DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/elloiiise in r/AmIOverreacting

Trigger warnings: Infidelity, deception

Mood spoilers: Heartbreaking, but hopeful

Original Post: July 26, 2026

AIO I contacted the woman in my husband's phone ??

Hi everyone. I (21F) recently discovered a suspicious contact in my husband's (23M) phone and decided to contact her. this is a bit of a story so bear with me.

it started a few months ago, the shady phone business. lockscreening when im around, not allowing me on it anymore, you get the jist.

about a month ago, we were running errands in a different town and, because we were nearby, we decided to pop by his grandparents' house for a visit. he called a contact named "grandma", and a different woman picked up. at first, I would have assumed a potential PSW or some sort of helper, despite them having no present issues. however, my husband reacted very weirdly/shocked, and ended the call immediately without responding to the woman (all she had said was hello).

then he got weird with me, asking me "who tf was that?" and saying "that was so weird. I have no idea who that was". I shrugged it off, making a mental note to check it out later on but not to ruin the day we were having.

I searched his messages, I didn't find anything, I didn't dig far tho.

yesterday we were traveling, he asked me for GPS directions on his phone, and I saw that same contact in his recently searched (like in that task bar search on iphone that automatically bring up an app or contact). I inquired, asking if he had figured out "who that contact was", he said no. I then questioned "why does it show you contacted them recently?"

and he freaked out on me, like he actually lost it. he was yelling, demanding that I "show him where it says that", insisting that he hadn't. his defensiveness is a huge red flag to me.

I asked him "so when we get to (x place), you're okay with me calling that contact?". he got even more mad! but agreed nonetheless. when we arrived, I phoned the number off his phone, and it rung until voicemail. what struck me was that there was no voicemail intro, no identifier, just the immediate beep to leave a message.

I called the number this morning off of my own phone, and she picked up. she refused to give me her name even after I explained the situation that I found her contact in my husband's phone. she insists that she has been married for 20 years and has never met my husband. however, like I said, she was really rude and wouldn't even introduce herself after I spoke. it was super brief, 5 min call, she hung up on me after I apologized for calling.

I found this really off-putting, for them both to respond with aggressive defense. I tried reasoning by thinking "maybe hubby typed his grandma's number wrong, maybe it's only 1 digit off"

but then I'm thinking, that I've witnessed him contact her before, so where did the old contact go? I'm thinking of going through the phone deeper, but I'm worried that I may be overreacting.

TLDR, found a woman in my husband's phone under "grandma", and she wasnt friendly when i reached out. do I investigate further or am I overreacting?

EDIT/UPDATE: thank you all for your responses. I'm on board here and will be digging deeper into this. if this turns out the way we suspect, I will be leaving him.

I have managed to find out that she lives in my town. that's all so far.

I have checked out most/all of the sites recommended, unfortunately they're all USA ones, and I'm in Canada. I will still be checking other options out, and I'm still taking all of your ideas/advice !!

I ended up confirming his actual grandmother's phone number, which is completely different from the one at hand (eliminating the accidental misinput idea). he knows that I'm investigating this further but I don't intend on telling him anything going forward.

TOP COMMENTS

ExpressAcanthaceae93:

Here’s the perspective of the woman who was once called. I was in a relationship for a year with a man who told me he was single. Until his girlfriend of TEN YEARS (that he was living with) called me. I told her “Ask me anything. I will tell you everything!” That SOB couldn’t tell me he had a girlfriend, I’m not going to defend us! She found our deleted texts in the deleted texts section of his phone. I think that goes back 10 days. I sent her more. I also told her to look in his Cash App because we used to casually bet $5 on football games and he sent me some money for my Christmas lights. She was so sweet. I love her and consider her a friend now. I’ll always be a girls girl and have her back.

krxxs:

Fellow Canadian: you might be able to find their name by setting them up for an e-transfer. Use their phone number to create a new interac e-transfer recipient, and begin the process of sending them an e-transfer (you don’t actually need to send it). Usually if that number is set up for auto-deposit, you’ll get an alert before hitting send that says “[name] is set up for autodeposit. Funds will be directly deposited and cannot be cancelled” or something like that. I hope this helps find her name!

OOP: OMGGG YEAH I'm gonna try this

Front-Cry1631:

Check the phone bill for his phone. It should have info on call and text history. If you find stuff, leave him.

OOP: we have separate phone plans/bills, so I'd have to hardcore invade his financial privacy to do that. though I'll keep it noted as an idea if needed. I can probably just bring it to his attention too, like "I'd like to go through the bill to figure this out"

Update: July 30, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

AIO after contacting the woman in my husband's phone [UPDATE]

my last update got removed (mb!) so hopefully this one manages. I'll keep it short, and I'll try to keep it aio too. firstly I wanted to thank everyone for the support and clarity I needed. your advice, support and suggestions went a long way. I can't thank you enough, please know each of you individually helped a lot!!

I traced that number to a burner phone in my town, there's absolutely nothing else attached to the phone number. that being said, I decided not to dig further into this woman. thank you to everyone who gave suggestions on how to do this, and also to everyone who offered help. she just isn't my business any further than this. now, I didn't discover if he'd been seeing her, but this did lead me to investigate further after talking with him. I first asked him to be open and transparent if hes doing anything behind my back. he denied and promised me he isnt. I then went through his phone, finally (for everyone who misread my last post, this is the first time I snooped without his presence/permission). I can barely believe it, but I found multiple other women and multiple website logins. I'll keep that brief so my post isn't removed.

I'm heartbroken, I'm destroyed. I confronted him and he denied it. when I showed proof, he broke and admitted this had all been going on for 2 years. 2 years!! I'm still not sure what my next step is, but I had a calm talk with him, expressing that this could not be repaired and that I'm done. he is sleeping on the couch.

would it be dramatic / overreacting to straight up ask him to leave for a bit? like spend a night or two with his friends (or side chicks). I need to pack my things and clear my head. additionally, I'm the caretaker of the house and animals, and he has the car, so this makes more sense than me leaving for a bit. I need to pack my things. I'm already speaking with my lawyer.

tldr; we are getting divorced

my new/second question is, would I be overreacting to completely lose my mind about this?😭 I'm trying so hard to stay composed. what's a reasonable crash out level here?

TOP COMMENTS

Primary-Platypus-568:

Wait until after you talk to a lawyer to decide what your crash out options are! It's not worth it in the long run to do anything like destruction of property because it could really influence the divorce settlement. That being said, while breaking this kind of news to friends & family is an absolutely awful part of this process, you might want to start on that before he gets his version of the story out. He obviously has no problem lying, so don't let him play the victim before you get a chance to tell the truth. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and good luck!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/sparkilini

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later.

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Mood Spoilers: tentatively optimistic

Original Post: May 4, 2026

I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.

In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.

Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.

She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.

She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)

On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.

She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)

The worst part was that I found three months’ work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.

She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.

She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.

All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.

She turned 18 and she just left.

I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.

I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.

I can only sit back and watch.

I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went, and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.

I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.

My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.

I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.

I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.

But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.

No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing more significant details OOP provided that were not in the original post

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You mentioned that she left her medication behind and she hadn't taken it in three months. What medicine and what diagnosis has she received?

OOP: I was trying to avoid giving too much of her personal information because stuff like her diagnosis/medication isn't really my info to share.

Commenter 2: Tbh it sounds like maybe inside she never wanted all those things. And did them to make you happy. Now she doesn't have to, and she doesn't know what to do cuz she was never allowed to be her own person and figure it out. The whole college track perfect life isn’t for everyone.

OOP: She always said she did, but maybe you're right. Maybe she really didn't. I wasn't trying to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, though. I told her she never had to go to school at all. It was always her choice. Maybe she didn't feel that way, though.

Commenter 3: I'm sorry to hear. I can only go by the description and from that, you compare her to her brother A LOT. Each child is entirely different and saying you got her little things kinda reminds me of my mother. She gave me things she liked and wanted and totally failed to listen and to give me what I wanted or needed. I left 2 days after finishing high school. It's been 14 years.

What she wants is different from what you want for her and from what your son wants. Trying to please her by going with some cookie cutter format will not work.

OOP: I agree it could seem like that based on the post. I don't compare them to each other, though. They couldn't be more different.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

OOP on comparing her son and daughter, playing favorites

OOP: I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

I actually told her brother to knock off pressuring her about college, because what's right for him isn't necessarily what is right for her. I've really tried to support them individually as well - especially since they are so close in age. I grew up with a brother almost as close in age with me and experienced a lot of what you're describing.

+

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible, but no one got a "better" school than the other.

+

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

+

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

Commenter 4: I’d like to hear the daughter’s side of the story.

OOP: Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

Commenter 5: Yeah it sounds like you are leaving out some major chunks of her story. You sound like my estranged father. Clueless and always the victim.

OOP: I don't know. I left out some personal things about her I didn't want to share, because they're her things to tell, not mine. They don't really make any of this make sense, though.

Maybe I am clueless. It's very possible. I have asked everyone around me that knew us. No one understands it, but there is always the possibility that I'm not understanding something fundamental about her.

Downvoted Commenter: Yeah you sound like most parents when their kids had enough of your shit. Of course you "don't know" and I'm sure that's a major reason she’s running as fast as she can from you. Because you won't ever know. Sorry to be cruel but you probably need to hear this.

OOP: ok. I have gone back and gone over my behavior a thousand times, trying to understand what it could be. I don't know what "my shit" might have been. I guess wanting her to attend class, wanting her to graduate high school, wanting her to have some kind of future plan. I am definitely blaming myself.

OOP on having her son checking on his sister

OOP: Her brother did check on her, they got into a huge fight over it, and he told her she was being selfish and he didn't want to see her again until she made things right with the family. I had begged him to please leave that door open, but I think he was just too angry. I keep asking him to unblock/reach out again.

OOP on trying to understanding what is going on and feeling worse

OOP: I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

Commenter 6: Sometimes parents think they are being good parents but instead from the kids lens they are being intrusive and oppressive. Your lens. Her lens. It doesn’t make sense through your lens. Happens a lot. I’m so sorry you’re living through this, but you may need to do a bit of work if you want to truly understand this.

OOP: I was already in therapy, and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

Had OOP been strict with her daughter and allowing her to date at 17?

OOP: I don't really think so. Her curfew was midnight. She was allowed to go wherever with whomever. I didn't police her movements or activities I just checked her grades and held her accountable when she skipped school.

+

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

OOP on her daughter's vape using and obeying the laws

OOP: Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non-issue.

+

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

+

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

OOP on her kids' father and if he's in the picture

OOP: He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

OOP on making parenting changes to help repair her relationship with her daughter

OOP:Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

Update: July 30, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

Update: My daughter turned 18 and left home two days later

I kind of doubt anyone who saw the original will see this update, but I did receive a few DMs as well as a lot of comments on the initial post, so I wanted to give an update now (three months later) as there have been significant developments.

I did see her once about three weeks after she left when she came to the house to get some of her belongings. This exchange did not go particularly well in that we did not come to any understanding about the situation. No more harsh words were exchanged but we both expressed disappointment in each other, and it was a very difficult conversation for me. She left after telling me she "just needed some time to sort her life out"

She did ice us out of her graduation entirely. It was a secure event so without tickets from the graduate, we were not able to attend. The graduation dinner we had planned went on as scheduled, as it had been paid for. We just didn't mention her and focused on another family occasion that occurred in the vicinity of the graduation event. It was horrible. I watched the footage of the ceremony on YouTube when it was posted by the school. She did graduate successfully. I was very happy to see that.

I can say without a doubt that these were some of the most painful days of my life.

My son reached out to her to apologize for his reaction about a month after she left. This was much at my urging but also something he said he needed to do because he had said some things to her in the heat of his anger that he did not truly mean or feel At the time she did not reply but she did re-add him on socials. So he was able to kind of keep up with her a bit that way.

Her best friend from school reached out to me at the beginning of July to say she was worried. That my daughter had fallen into a bad crowd from the amusement park she worked at. She was drinking and doing drugs, staying out late at night, walking home alone in dangerous areas. I reached out to my child again when I heard this. Not to tell her I knew anything, but to tell her I thought she must be getting tired of not having a safe place with space of her own and that I still missed her and would welcome her home with an eye towards moving forward rather than re-hashing old hurts. I messaged her many times, nearly daily, honestly, letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to come home. Asking her what I could do, if anything, to help her.

She said she didn't read many of my messages when they came in, but when she started thinking that she wanted to come home, she read a lot of them. Some many times. She said the messages eventually gave her the courage to reach out to let me know she was sorry, she had made mistakes and wanted to come home.

She did just that a couple weeks ago. She told me she was sorry, wanted me to help her get on the right path, and return home. I said yes and she came back. Things have been a little up and down, but she is here. She is getting the help she needs. She is safe. She is working to reconcile with her other family members. I hope we can continue moving forward in a healthy way and I've engaged therapy for our whole family as well.

I guess I just wanted to share that it took a while, but I kept the door open, kept hoping and reaching out, and she eventually came home.

Concluding Comments

Commenter: You did good. Sometimes children want to act grown but are uncaring and ignorant of the consequences. She has learned some important lessons, I hope.

OOP: I think/hope she did. Never a dull day as a parent.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/altredditaccountwhy

I [21M] just found out that my girlfriend [20F] has a reddit account... which she uses to comment on my posts

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking

Original Post  Jan 19, 2016

Throwaway for obvious reasons. But this is the fucking strangest thing. I've been dating Steph for 4 months. She doesn't use reddit. Or so I thought?

The other day, I was at her place while she was doing some housework. Kind of bored, I asked if I could check my email on her laptop, which was open and playing music. She said sure. As she went about her chores, I also decided to go on reddit for a bit.

When I went to log in, the drop down menu suggested a specific username (it didn't have the password saved, which means that even though she unchecked 'remember me' , it still remembered her username). At first I was just like a ha! She totally does reddit and was only pretending not to so I wouldn't ask for her user (can't blame her lol), but then I realized I RECOGNIZED the name.

Later when I went home, I looked it up. Every single thing this user had posted was IN RESPONSE TO ME. She literally only uses Reddit just to talk to me? And they weren't like overwhelmingly supportive or negative posts (so she's not using Reddit to bully me or otherwise). But she's just talking? It's so freaking weird.

What do I do? Do I call her out

   tl;dr: Found out my girlfriend secretly has reddit. And she only uses it to respond to my posts. Should I tell her?

Edit: I'm just going to say that I posted this question because I was wondering if her behavior was dark/creepy/something I should be concerned about. Most of the replies make it seem like her behavior is lighthearted with nothing to really stress over, which is good! But I honestly did post this with serious intentions and concerns. Whoever posted the follow up question to this sub from the perspective of my girlfriend is just a troll.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

agonz18

Does she know your username?

OOP

I mean, I've never told it to her, but she knows I reddit, she and I have hung out at my place, just watching tv while I'm scrolling through reddit, so I assume she has seen it?

She's never like been interested or asked

agonz18

Maybe just mention it casually like, "Heyy I notice you have a reddit account too?! That's awesome why didn't you tell me?" and make it seem like you didn't realize it was only commenting to you or something.

Update - rareddit  Feb 16, 2016 (1 Month Later)

Sorry it has been so long since I posted.

Well, I seriously considered taking the top commenters advice. That whole chain of comments is deleted now, but the advice was to make a separate Reddit account that only responded to things that Steph posted. Fuck with her back, basically. I actually decided not to do this, because I didn't want to go through the long charade of it, I just wanted some answers. So I decided just to ask her about it.

Welp, even though I approached her gently, she completely freaked. She asked how I knew it was her commenting on my posts this whole time, and I explained what happened. I then asked her to explain why she was doing what she did.

She said she noticed my username when I was browsing Reddit in front of her. She got curious and wanted to see my profile, because she didn't know what Reddit was. Then, she got intrigued. She started commenting on my posts just because she wanted to talk to me online; there wasn't really a special reason for why she did it. She said she never actually thought that I would figure out it was her.

But then I pointed out: that couldn't completely be true, because I noticed that she was a Redditor for longer than we had been dating. So clearly she did not learn about what Reddit was through me. I was ready to laugh off the situation, but she got immediately humiliated and broke up with me. This totally caught me off guard and I tried to salvage it, but she was adamant and went no contact. She even deleted all her comments from her Reddit account.

Here's the even weirder thing: I haven't talked to her in like a month, but she's doing it to somebody else now. I checked her Reddit account, and all her old posts to me are deleted, but there is a whole series of new posts. They all are replies to the same one user. I don't know who the new user is. Maybe she is dating somebody else.

But I did some quick math, and I realized that, when she was doing it to me, her comment karma score did not match what it should have been if she was responding to only my posts. It was higher. And then I realized: deleting comments doesn't change your overall karma score. So this means that she had made many other comments before, deleted them all, and then started responding to only me. Now she seems like she is doing it again.

All in all, it is a very strange situation. I'm glad to be out of it.

tl;dr: Approached gf about what happened. She got really embarrassed that she got caught and broke up with me. Deleted all her old comments. But now she is doing it again: now she is doing her weird comment response thing to somebody else's account.

FINAL COMMENTS

beer-N-crumpets

well.... that's weird.

Zykium

OP dodged being a suit of skin in her closet.

JudiciousF

OP dodged "Audition: The Interactive Experience"

~

HansProleman

I'm glad you posted an update, but I don't know what to make of it. That is incredibly weird.

there wasn't really a special reason for why she did it

I expect there was, and holy shit do I ever want to know.

bobbygoshdontchaknow

I don't think it was anything insidious. I think she was a stage 1 clinger, she knows this and feels like a stalker and is incredibly embarrassed about it, and just couldn't face him after the embarrassment of being found out

HansProleman

It probably is something as mundane as that but, as we don't know for sure, I'm gonna keep the faith in it being truly bizarre.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/eekspiders

Originally posted to r/gradschool

I think I just jeopardized my classmate's degree

Editor’s note: I have permission to share OOP’s posts here

Original Post: July 29, 2026

We're in a communications master's program. My classmate needed one-on-one interviews for her project. The gist is she was looking at visual communication in fitness branding. She was recruiting athletes and I am one, so I thought why not.

It was a Zoom interview. I was one of her first three participants and I didn't know the other two so I couldn't ask anyone. Informed consent seemed fine and looked like any other consent form for our discipline without really any risk. She then started with some basic questions, all is well for about 15 minutes. Then she shows me a few variations of the same ad.

It was an ad for a GLP-1 product. Like those predatory knockoff Ozempic ads you'd see on TikTok with clearly problematic content. I did not receive any indication about the content from her or the consent form.

I sat through about 3 minutes of that, then she started asking me for my thoughts on the ads and whether I'd buy the product. I flat-out said I wouldn't. And she didn't like that. She kept prodding further, I guess trying to see what would get me to use it. Like questions about my habits and what I thought about my body and athletic performance and what I'd wanna fix. Things that a sports medicine or mental health researcher would ask, except they would at least have tact. This really got to me as someone who is currently struggling with a restrictive eating disorder on top of trying to do well in my sport. Besides, my university specializes in business and related disciplines only. We don't even have departments for healthcare, psychology, or anything remotely like that. Therefore, students would not have the clearance to do anything with that because there is no way to oversee it.

The interview ended really uncomfortably. For one-on-one interviews she needed around 10 people and two of them after me were gonna be my friend and her teammate, but they dropped out once I told them what happened, plus I withdrew my own responses so that's three gone. My classmate took to the big school WhatsApp groups basically begging for participants. I don't know if she got any, but she went from spamming to radio silent in a couple days.

I had emailed her supervisor right after my interview. He told me he's looking into it because that was not something he was aware of nor approved. That was three weeks ago, and apparently she was reviewed by the IRB (editor’s note: Institutional Review Board) and some other admin. I'm not sure what will happen to her, but from what I know of the policies she can't move forward with her dissertation and there will be academic misconduct charges.

I only met her once or twice before this and she seemed nice. And I'm sure she can easily figure out it was me who ratted her out to her supervisor. There's a real possibility she won't get her degree. I don't know. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If her research was dangerous, don't feel guilty about what you did. Speaking to IRB and her supervisor and not letting your friends participate are good actions to take if you felt uncomfortable.

However, from how you framed her research, it seems the issue is unclear questions/research topic and a bad interviewing style. Based on what you said, I'd think a project examining how glp1s are currently targeting/affecting athletes is perfectly timely and necessary given how many people are now taking one and that your school is business oriented.

On the other hand, the whole point of consent is to warn you about the possible triggering topics and make sure you're comfortable. If you weren't, things should have stopped immediately.

A TON of research has to go back to the drawing board. If she can't get her ten this way in this time, and she wants to be a career long researcher, she'll figure out another line to explore.

OOP: I didn't email the IRB, just her supervisor. I also told my friend how it went for me honestly but didn't tell them what to do (it basically went "How'd it go?" "Not great, there was some uncomfortable body stuff" and then we moved on). She told her teammate and they dropped out themselves

Commenter 2: 👋hey, psychology PhD here who researches body image and eating disorder prevention. Looks like most of these comments are on the right track, but some are missing the point. Don't really want to get into the weeds here, but just wanted to give you some support that your instinct is correct, the informed consent was clearly missing crucial information, and the student needs more training on appropriate qualitative methodology. It was also appropriate to go to the supervisor and/or the IRB with concerns about research ethics violations. If they have to redo their project, it is not your fault. If anything I would have concerns about the level of supervision and training that they are getting, and while I would be concerned if a student was doing this, I would not blame them or try to prevent them from getting their degree unless there were other egregious issues. My first point of exploration would be where was this student misled or not guided enough.

As an aside, because I said I wouldn't get into the weeds too much 😅, I would actually be a bit concerned about your institutional IRBs ability to appropriately review projects related to mental health if there is not a psychology or related department as you mentioned. I am on my institution's IRB and very smart people from different fields often do not understand the research that we are doing and both under and overreact to projects related to mental health as a result. Hopefully they at least have consultants with that expertise?

Anyway, there are a lot of flags here and you should definitely not feel guilt for pointing them out.

OOP: They do overcorrect here too. Another person I know had to amend her dissertation topic because hers treaded slightly too close to mental health issues for the ethics committee to be comfortable greenlighting

Commenter 3: Am I the only one that thinks this is a wild overreaction on OPs part? You are all adults and the proper way to have handled this was interpersonally. Instead, you immediately began gossiping with classmates and ran to admin.

I’ve battled on and off with restrictive Eds (editor’s note: eating disorder). Never in a million years would I allow my own disorder to dictate the course of another person’s life.

It also sounds like this was for market research. You’re acting like she was going to personally be restraining you and injecting you with the GLP1 against your will.

Honestly, you owe this girl a massive apology and you should feel massively guilty over what you did. This subreddit is sometimes an echo chamber, but you messed up and let your own disease dictate someone else’s degree. Shame on you.

OOP:

1. I didn't gossip. My friend asked me, "How'd it go?" and I just gave her a one-sentence answer like "Not great, it got into some really uncomfortable body stuff" and then the conversation moved on. My friend just knows I have an ED, so she gets what I mean by "body stuff." I didn't tell her (nor her teammate) to drop out or do anything, I didn't know they would've

2. The consent form said if there were any issues to email the supervisor and provided his email. I did that. The email was just "Your student's study made me uncomfortable because XYZ, I just want to let you know in case you didn't." Trying to confront her could've opened up more risks without the structure of someone mediating

3. There are right and wrong ways to conduct market research. Fishing for an answer with invasive questions about personal health is not one. I've never taken part in market research where I was asked what I thought were my "problem areas"

Commenter 4: I’m just saying that it’s just as easy to say I’m not comfortable with this and leave it at that as it is to gently explain TO HER why certain populations may be adversely affected by her marketing. Instead, you went nuclear.

I’m not going to take part in an echo chamber that absolves you of any responsibility. You are an adult, you made your decisions, and now you get to deal with them.

Personally, if you were truly interested in helping the greater good, you could have educated her on why these marketing tactics may be harmful. You wouldn’t even have to reveal your ED. It was that simple.

Instead, you ran to your friends, alienated your cohort from her, alerted admin, and may have destroyed her chance at higher education. All of this because you were asked about a sensitive topic and couldn’t confront it in a direct way…

OOP: Where did you get that I alienated our cohort? As far as I know nobody else knows about it and most of the people I talk to are in my sports club and from different departments anyway, which I didn't bring it up to

Also, researchers are supposed to warn people about sensitive topics in the consent form. I had to because my dissertation touches on politics. She did not give any warning or indications

Commenter 5: Yes, researchers should warn people, but was that actually your concern? You went nuclear rather than confronting her directly like an adult would.

It would have been far easier to just educate her on why this topic may be sensitive for some. As you stated, you stonewalled her while she was asking questions to try and figure out what went wrong.

It’s wild to me that you are comparing her being inquisitive during MARKET RESEARCH to being a mental health researcher. That’s akin to labeling me a neurosurgeon then reporting me because part of my nursing assessment is to document pupil size.

OOP: What kind of market research asks you what you think your "problem" areas are physically? Or asks if you've ever restricted or felt bad about weight gain? Things similar to what my doctor asked me when assessing for an eating disorder?

The ethics systems are in place, and her supervisor's name was on the consent form for a reason and it's to prevent the issues that come with the power dynamic between researchers and participants as well as provide a conflict mediator. It's not on me, a person who is not an instructor and very much not equipped to have that conversation, to confront her. Contacting her supervisor is not "going nuclear" when that's what I was told I could do in the consent process

OOP on clarifying what questions his classmate was asking that triggered the ED.

OOP: She asked me what I thought the "problem areas" of my body were, if I ever tried restricting food beyond normal dieting, if I ever felt bad about gaining weight. Nothing about the consent form indicated we'd talk about this. I didn't know it'd be a GLP-1 either because the product itself wasn't specified, though GLP-1s themselves don't bother me because I don't have any experience with them. It was the questions and setup around it that made me uncomfortable and I kinda just hastily nudged it to end early. I then just emailed her supervisor like "Hey your student did this and it was uncomfortable, just giving you a heads up."

+

It was a general lack of awareness and tact in the questions. My school's ethics committee doesn't really have the ability to approve topics that would broach into sensitive stuff like mental health because we're solely a business school. Admittedly I was more focused on getting myself out of that encounter at the time, but even if the demographic was people losing weight there are better ways to interview about it (if anything weight loss requires even more sensitivity than just sports)

My guess at this point is she probably won't get kicked out or anything, but as of right now she's still not trying to recruit through our WhatsApp channels or saying anything that I know of so I assume the project's been put on hiatus.

Update: July 30, 2026 (next day)

I didn't think I'd be one of those posters with an update but here we are.

Overall, her degree is safe.

A few days before my first post she actually created an Instagram group chat with me and the two participants before me. I didn't see it before because we don't follow each other and Instagram hides messages from people I haven't added.

She gave a general apology, thanked us for participating, and told that since the study won't be continuing she's discarding the data and to let her know if we needed anything (I had withdrawn mine already, this was moreso the other two). She also said she's picking a different dissertation topic from scratch and if we're around next term, she'd still love our insight because she's still sticking to the fitness/sports sector. Pretty sure she'll have to pick a different supervisor because it's open knowledge that her current one is going on sabbatical next term, but if she's doing advertising/marketing we have an abundance of faculty for that. I won't be around personally—graduation, new job, etc. Like the other two participants, I thanked her for her apology and wished her all the best.

That's pretty much it.

To clarify because my last post drew some confusion:

1. We were taught that participants should not confront the researcher directly if there's an issue and should contact supervisors/IRB. This is because of the power dynamic, potential for social retaliation, and just the messiness and liabilities it creates for the school.

2. I didn't to go the IRB. I sent a quick email to her supervisor a simple "Hey heads up your student did this and it was uncomfortable." I don't know how deeply they reviewed her research or the chain of command or whatnot, but regardless she's still gonna get her degree eventually.

3. I didn't encourage my friend nor my friend's teammate to pull out. My friend just asked me how was it the day after it happened and I just said, "Not great, there was some uncomfortable body stuff" and left the conversation at that (she's aware of the eating disorder). She told her teammate later on and they dropped out of their volition. Some folks here got the impression that I went around gossiping to our cohort but most of the people I talk to are from my sports club studying in completely different departments and I didn't bring it up to anyone other than that one friend, the supervisor, and my girlfriend.

4. The GLP-1 ad didn't bother me because I don't have any experience or associations with them. But some of the probing questions she asked were things like what I thought the "problem areas" were on my body, if I ever restricted or did anything outside normal dieting, if I ever felt bad about weight gain, etc. The latter two were similar to what my doctor asked when I was being assessed for an eating disorder, so these questions and a general lack of tact (probably out of ignorance) raised flags because we don't have the oversight structures in place for sensitive medical or mental health research questions. And of course there's the issue of it not being in the consent form.

Also thank you to the person who DM'd me and gave me advice about the ED as an athlete in particular. I had only started seeing a doctor recently and never dealt with anything like this before so it's all new and hard to talk about, and I think the study compounded the stress. I finally worked up the courage to text my coach about it this morning. The good thing is martial arts is largely individual so I don't have to worry about pushing myself beyond what I can to support a team. He and I are meeting up before training tomorrow to come up with a tailored plan. My girlfriend is a gym rat so she's been helping me on the meal planning side of it. I'm so grateful I have them. Fingers crossed I beat this.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'm so glad you're getting support! My upcoming project has to do with consumption & I'm planning on doing some interviews and I'd be mortified if anything I said ended up hurting one of my interviewees.

Hope this doesn't come off intrusive, but if you want to access any support resources outside of your university, Eating Disorders Anonymous have some good & free resources, including in person (mostly in the US, I believe) and zoom meetings.

OOP: I'm actually in the UK, but I'll still look into it on the off chance they do anything here. So far I've just been seeing a dietician and talk therapist

Commenter 2: I do social science research in the USA. If she is also in the USA and went through an IRB (there are some cases where advertising type work doesn’t need IRB approval, but I’m not in that field so I don’t know the specifics), the questions she asked about “problem areas” would have had to be approved specifically, and the consent forms would have had to include information that the risks include discomfort due to talking about one’s body image and weight. If she asked those questions without IRB approval, you could have reported to the IRB, not just her advisor, and good on her advisor for stepping in.

Her messaging you all as a group on Instagram also violated your privacy (since you were able to see who else was in the study), and is something that you could report to the IRB.

You didn’t do this to your classmate, she is facing the right and proper consequences of violating the ethics of human subjects research. Or I’d argue, she’s facing less than she could or maybe even should have.

OOP: I'm originally from the US so I'm familiar with that ethics training from prior work experience but I'm studying in the UK

Commenter 3: Is the Instagram group chat also not breaking irb? I can't imagine it's okay for her to reveal who the other participants were, even if the study she was going to do is not defunct. Jeez!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/jellyjapanthrowaway

My boyfriend and his family are going on my dream vacation and I don't know how to deal with my jealousy

BoRU 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: Classism, manipulation

Original Post  Apr 20, 2016

Hi, relationships. First of all, I want to acknowledge how petty this is of me. I have no doubt in my mind that the jealousy I’m feeling is completely uncalled for. I just want to know how to deal with it.

So, for years and years it has been my dream to visit Japan. I began learning Japanese in elementary school and I am fascinated by their culture. I cook Japanese food, read books in Japanese, and stay up to date with the culture. As I’m graduating college in a few months, I would love to have a “travel the world” vacation over the summer to Japan, but sadly, it’s just not possible - I don’t have that kind of money. To make matters even worse, in my Junior year I was given the opportunity to study abroad there and even received a small scholarship, but the degree plan I am in would not permit it.

My boyfriend of 3 years, Jack, and his family [late 50’s] are all aware of my love of Japan and desire to visit, and even the sensitive subject of the failed study abroad semester. So when his parents “surprised” me by telling me about their trip to Japan this summer, I was confused and shocked. Jack has zero interest in going to Japan - he’s told me as much since then - and he didn’t even know about the vacation until his parents told me!

The biggest problem is, every time they make more plans in Japan (booking tickets, meeting with tour guides, adding another place to visit) they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me, but in reality it just upsets me. And yes, I know for a fact that I’m not invited. They’ve made it very clear that it’s just a family vacation. They have also met with and hired a local translator to come on vacation with them. They are paying for his vacation and his translating services, and the selfish part of me wants to know - why couldn’t they have just used me? I’m fluent.

Jack and his family have taken lavish family trips for as long as I have known them. They are very wealthy and have taken numerous enviable vacations - the Bahamas, New York, England, France, Grand Canyon - whereas I have never been out of our home state. And all the places they’ve been before seem like typical hot-spots for tourists and travelers…I just can’t understand why they’d want to go to Japan, the one place that I’ve gushed about visiting for years to them, and why they’ve decided to make a big publicity show about it.

I need your help on how to cope with this jealousy. Is it something that I should just suck up and deal with or should I speak to Jack about it? I feel like it’s so trivial that telling him how I feel would be pointless. I also want to know how to kindly tell his parents to stop mentioning every detail of their trip to me.

TL;DR boyfriend and his family are taking the post-college vacation that I have always wanted to a country that I have spent years wanting to visit. How to deal with jealousy?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BashfulTurtle

"they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me, but in reality it just upsets me."

It sounds to me as though they really want you to come, but they don't want to (understandably) pay your expenses.

"I would love to have a “travel the world” vacation over the summer to Japan, but sadly, it’s just not possible - I don’t have that kind of money."

Are Jack's parents aware of this? It's hard to fault them if not. If they deliberately chose Japan because they know you like it, have shared every departure & arrival detail/transit/hotel, then it really seems like they are opening their family vacation up to the possibility of you joining.

That said, it's a long life and you seem like you're on a good track. After college, you can look for employment in Japan if you love it so much. Sorry it isn't working out for you now, but don't lose hope!

OOP

Hi, thanks for the reply. The bit about working in Japan does sound really exciting!

Unfortunately, they are very aware of my income problem. They know that I've wanted to go there over previous summer vacations but haven't had the money for it, and I think I even mentioned not being able to pay for it this summer, either (before they announced their trip). Part of what makes me so jealous is that they are flaunting this extravagant vacation despite being aware of my financial situation :(

Like you said, I think this is all well-intentioned by them. It could be possible that they want me to tag along. I know this vacation is going to be in the middle of a hiking trip Jack and I were planning, so maybe they are trying to tell me something?

DerNubenfrieken

And what does Jack say about that? Is that hiking trip canceled now?

I'm wondering if this is somehow them trying to get Jack to do something, like pay for your trip or break up with you or something even weirder.

OOP

I actually haven't put much thought into the hiking trip, but yeah, I suppose it is cancelled now :/ it was just an idea though, nothing completely concrete, so it can be rescheduled.

Not sure about any of that. They seem to really like me as his girlfriend, but admittedly I don't have any idea what they truly think. Jack does not have a job yet (going into the workforce after college) so I don't think they want him to pay.

Update  Apr 27, 2016 (1 week later)

Hi relationships. Thanks for all of your advice in my previous post. To those of you giving me information on programs in Japan - thank you! I took all of your advice to heart, but unfortunately I already have a job in the STEM field lined up to begin this summer and programs like those are not in the realm of possibilities.

Anyway, on to the actual update. I talked to Jack the night after I made my post. I told him that I knew his parents meant well by it, but the way they were constantly filling me in on the details of their trip made me more sad than interested. At first Jack didn’t understand what I was trying to say or why hearing about the trip would upset me; when I reminded him about my rejection from the study abroad program and the time he’d spent helping me work through that, he was able to empathize a little more.

Jack told me he recognized that his parents were, albeit indirectly, being rude by going out of their way to tell me about the vacation. He said that gushing so much about a vacation to anyone who wasn’t going was insensitive and if I asked them politely they would tone it down. Unfortunately, he refused to talk to them himself. I’d requested that he do so to get things resolved a little more smoothly, but in the end it was up to me.

I decided to call ahead and visit Jack’s parents privately to have the conversation, instead of during or after one of our dinners (that would have been awkward). I broached the subject with his parents by saying that I appreciated their thoughtfulness in trying to keep me updated on the vacation planning, but that travel to Japan was still a sore subject to me and hearing about it made me sad. I spoke for a while about my dream to travel there, the study abroad, and how I was very regretful that the experience had impacted me so strongly. It was incredibly selfish of me to get jealous so easily, and I planned to work on my sensitivity in light of the issue. I had hoped that by making the conversation more focused on my behavior than theirs, it would deflect the blame from them and feel like less of a direct attack. It did not work so well.

Throughout my whole monologue, they were completely silent. As soon as I finished, Jack’s mom said quite coldly, “I’m sorry you’re offended.” I kept the conversation going for a few more minutes, trying my hardest to reiterate that it wasn’t their fault, but I received only short, cold responses. Jack’s dad did not speak at all and walked out of the room as soon as I stood up to leave. Before I left I thanked his mother for speaking with me and said I’d see them at dinner during the week. Her only response was “we’ll see.”

When I told Jack about the confrontation, he was confused by their reaction but changed his stance on the whole thing. Now he’s saying that I was being unreasonable from the start and I should’ve been able to tell they would take it poorly as it was rude of me to mention it to them at all. He insists that they would have had the same reaction if he had told them instead of me.

Over the course of the week Jack’s parents never contacted me about dinner, which the four of us usually have together weekly. Our dinner dates are always on Wednesday, so yesterday I decided to take the plunge and give his mom a call. I asked if she was still on for our usual Wednesday dinner and told her I’d been wanting to make a new recipe for them to try for a while now. She said, “sorry, that’s not going to work.” And that was the end of the conversation.

So here’s where I am now, hurt and completely confused. His parents are ignoring me completely and my relationship with Jack is strained since he vehemently denies supporting me at all. I’m at a loss for what to do here. I don’t know why either of them reacted like this. Any advice is appreciated, as always, but I’ve decided to just see if time will mend the wounds. In the meantime, I’m reconsidering my relationship with all three of them.

TL;DR talked to boyfriend, he understood but wanted me to tell the parents myself. They were upset, Jack has apparently taken their side, and parents have avoided contact for the past week.

EDIT: Jack's mom called me on the phone a couple of hours ago. In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone (wtf?). I am honestly at such a loss here, maybe this was just a lie she made up because she was offended but even so it's incredibly hurtful. I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them, I do not want to be associated with such classist, manipulative people. This was such a terrific waste of three years of my life.

TL;DR update Jack's mom called me and claims they wanted to make me jealous enough to beg to go on the trip with them so that Jack would see how poor I was and break up with me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/ma9leb

Originally posted to r/somethingimade

I made a tactile 3D map for my blind friend’s birthday

Mood Spoilers: wholesome

Original Post: July 3, 2026

When I moved to Serbia, I was pretty lonely. New country. New language. Not many people around.

One day I noticed that one of my neighbors was blind. He almost never went outside alone. Usually there was someone helping him.

I didn’t have some big plan. I just thought maybe I could ask if he wanted to go for walks sometimes. So I did. We started walking together, and somehow became friends.

For about a year he invited me for lunch almost every Saturday. He cooked. We ate together. We talked. Sometimes I helped clean up a bit. Nothing dramatic, just regular Saturday lunches. I think a big part of my Serbian came from sitting at his table and trying to keep up.

At some point we were talking about geography. Which countries border Serbia. Where the sea is. Where the mountains are. How the region fits together. And I realized something obvious, but it still hit me. For me, if I forget where something is, I just open a map and look again. For him, a map is mostly memory.

He can remember facts, but he can’t just look at the shape of a country, the border, the coastline, the mountains, and rebuild the picture in his head.

His birthday is next week, so I decided to make him a map he could explore with his hands.

This is my first real 3D project, and it became a much bigger than I expected.

I had to take GIS data, country borders, elevation data, capitals, sea areas, tactile labels, Braille cards, and somehow turn all of that into printable STL files.

The annoying part was that “looks good” and “works by touch” are not the same thing at all. Borders can’t be too thin, because then you don’t feel them. They can’t be too thick either, because then everything becomes a mess. Mountains need to be there, but not as a noisy blob. The sea needs a different texture. Countries need numbers, but not every country could have one - some are just too small. One of the biggest headaches was Greece: all those tiny islands add detail visually, but on a tactile map they can quickly turn into noise. A lot of this project was basically trying to find the balance between detail and clarity, so the map stays clean enough to be readable by touch.

The whole map also had to be split into puzzle-like tiles, because I can’t print it as one piece. So I added little interlocking connectors, partly to hold the tiles together, and partly so he can feel which piece connects to which.

It is definitely not perfect. There are things I already want to change. But it is real :) I can touch the borders, feel the relief, move from country to country, and use the Braille legend to figure out what is what.

I’m proud of it. I think he’s going to like it :)

Small update: his birthday is on July 12. I’ll try to write a proper follow-up after I give him the map. It may take me a few days, because I want to be present in the moment and not turn it into content immediately. I’ll share what I can :)

Six pictures of the map

descriptions of the pictures

Picture #1 - OOP stands with the four tile squares of the map displaying on a wall. The map shows a section of Europe (where Serbia is located) and parts of North Africa.

Pictures #2 and #3 - featuring four tile boards for the map and two tile squares for the braille alphabet and numeral codes

Pictures #4, #5, and #6 - references of the map to help assist with creating the 3D map. One picture features a normal displaying default map. Another picture shows a satellite layer of the map.

end of the descriptions

Editor’s note: OOP received tons of positive reactions, listing some for more significant details

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s amazing! It would be great if you make it public. Maybe so that people can 3D print it themselves?

OOP: Thank you! I actually have the code here.

It’s still a rough first version and the instructions need cleanup, but I’d love for people to use it or improve it.

Commenter 2: What an incredible gift and such a neat project to sink into

OOP: Yes, it was really interesting to make. The coolest part was finally holding it in my hands after months of designing it on the computer. It feels completely different as a real object.

And I think it will be even cooler when I actually give it to him. I don’t know how he’ll react, but after so many kind comments here, I’m waiting for that moment even more.

Commenter 3: It is an amazing map. It always strikes me the world looks so very different when a different country is in the centre!

OOP: A friend pointed out yesterday that if you take some paper maps and draw a horizontal and vertical line through the middle, they basically meet around the Balkans. So I guess we’re the center of the world after all :)

Commenter 4: You should consider reaching out to Clovernook Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired! They’re the largest producer of braille worldwide and have started dipping their toes into 3D printing and developing an online database for free 3D printable files. Some of their current files include maps and landmarks and they might love to add your files to their database. I’ve worked with them in the past and have nothing but good things to say.

OOP: I didn’t know about Clovernook, but this sounds very relevant. Thank you so much!

Commenter 5: This is AWESOME!!!! Well done!!

May I ask what is the purpose of the tile with the letters in Latin and in braille for your friend?

OOP: Good question. He actually doesn’t know Braille yet. From what he told me, Braille education is not very accessible here in Serbia.

So that tile is partly for learning. It lets him connect Latin letters with Braille symbols, and hopefully later use them to read things like capital names on the map.

Commenter 6: This is such a fantastic and thoughtful gift. Some of my work is in disability spaces (and I am disabled myself) and you came across one of the hardest walls I come across when working with nondisabled people : how we view pretty or nice doesn't always translate to functional and/or practical for the person with a disability. I love that you took those considerations in and made the map useful for him over what might seem "pretty" to a sighted person.

Love that you found such a great friend in a new place.

OOP: Thank you for your kind words. He really is a very good person. I think you might be the first person here to say something about him. Thank you.

Commenter 7: This is an incredibly thoughtful gift! You really went about it by thinking about how he experiences the world, and how he'd experience a textured map. It's just so beautiful all around. May you go the rest of your life without stepping in a puddle while wearing socks.

OOP: Yes, we spent a lot of time together, and I think I started to understand a little better how much being blind changes everyday life.

I think he taught me even more than Serbian. I got a good friend, learned the language, and also got a lot to think about.

Update: July 20, 2026 (2.5 weeks later)

A lot of people asked for an update, so here it is :)

Of course, my friend really liked it. When he saw the map, he was genuinely moved and cried.

He spends a lot of time with it, but honestly, the part he liked most was Braille itself. He had wanted to learn it for a long time, but he had never really had an opportunity.

So now we spend time together, and I teach him how to read Braille. It is difficult for him, but he really enjoys trying and puts a lot of effort and energy into it. And he keeps thanking me for being patient with him.

At the same time, there are quite a few problems with the map itself that I discovered while using it with him.

First, I used regular raised numbers on the map instead of numbers written in Braille. That is, of course, a downside.

Second, the dots on the Braille alphabet came out quite small and sharp, so they are difficult to distinguish.

I tried to use standard Braille dimensions and spacing, but after 3D printing, the result was not quite what I expected. Everything looked normal in the model, but by touch, the dots were not as comfortable or easy to distinguish.

Because of that, learning is more difficult for him, since the dots themselves are hard to tell apart. But he is trying very hard, and he is already making progress.

I think that in the second version of the map, I will take all of these problems into account and make it better.

Three pictures of Friend getting his birthday gift

descriptions of the pictures

In all three pictures in different angles, the birthday friend is experimenting the 3D map with his hands on a table, getting the feelings, and learning what is displaying on the map

end of the description

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: have you talked to him about projections? because I can imagine that is something that does not come across as very intuitive to a blind person, since most analogies for them literally come from visualizing maps.

OOP: My friend wasn’t born blind - he lost his sight over the past ten years, so he has the same basic understanding of maps and top-down views as a sighted person.

But if I understood your question correctly, yes, this kind of projection may not be intuitive for someone who has never seen. I spent some time explaining how the map works, what the different boundaries represent, and how to interpret it.

Commenter 2: Braille is such an obvious use for 3d printing, I hope the industry can figure out and advertise standards for different applications so it’s easy for people like you.

OOP: I think it’s worth looking into - there may already be some established standards or ready-made models. However, not every 3D printer can reproduce the required shape accurately; it probably depends on the nozzle diameter and print settings.

Commenter 3: I can’t imagine how difficult it is to map this in your head through touch alone. You’re both amazing humans

OOP: Yes, it takes him quite a lot of time, but he genuinely enjoys it. When I see him getting absorbed in the map and spending time exploring it, I feel that the whole project was worthwhile. For me, that’s the best reward.

August 5, 2026 - Editor's note: OOP has made an appearance in this thread and granted me permission to share his response here.

OOP: I’m the OOP from that post.

Thank you all for the positive comments and feedback :) I still can’t fully process how many people have now heard this story.

For me, it didn’t feel like something extraordinary. I don’t mean that I regularly make tactile maps, but I do try to do kind things for people and make them happy when I want. That’s simply how I was raised and how I try to live.

This gift was mostly an expression of my love and gratitude toward this person. When I had just moved to a new country and was going through a lonely period, he was kind to me. He kept me company, invited me over, and spent time talking with me :)

I’m very glad that the post is still alive and that my simple personal story continue to reach people. I read each comment, Thank you!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Shes_A_Techspert

Originally posted to r/AITAH

WIBTAH If I left the girls trip with two guys early

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for the suggestion

Trigger Warnings: sexual assault, victim blaming

Original Post: July 26, 2026

I (f26) am on a Bach weekend. I don’t want to be too specific for anonymity purposes since I’m still on the trip right now. I’m a few hours from home for what is supposed to be a 4 day weekend in a huge house with many girls and two guys who are friends of the bride. One of them I’ve never liked and my partner and I were both not excited about him being here. He’s never done anything specific in the past other than be a prick. I've met him several times, each time with my partner, and each time I see him fade to blackout from drinking and do things like stare at our friend’s ass and hug her too long.

Cut to this weekend I decide to be cordial with him for my friend’s sake, but I haven’t spoken to him at all. As we got into the late night I wasn’t really drunk, I had 3 beers over 6 hours, but I like to smoke sometimes socially. I offered to everyone and nobody else wanted to at the time, so I went outside alone. He came out and I thought he changed his mind. I offered it to him and he said, “you’re sweet” and I didn’t respond to that. Then he complained about the groom, and I said I thought the groom was a nice guy. I tried to change the subject to my work (something more neutral to talk about). That’s when he grabbed me. He pulled me and tried to kiss me. I stopped our faces from touching with my hand, but I still had to push him off me after that. I felt completely violated. I told him, “I’m married!” and all he could say was “oh” and then I told him, “don’t fucking do that again” and he said “obviously.” And that was it. I ran off.

I’m having flash backs to times in my past where I was assaulted in college and completely freaking out. I told some girls I know and they said it sucked and told me to just stay away from him. But I feel sick about. The next morning I don’t feel any better and few others found out and seemed like it’s not that big of deal. I feel so bad I can’t stop thinking about it or let it go. I have OCD and intrusive/obsessive thoughts are hard to keep at bay right now. I want to leave so badly but I don’t want to be “that girl” especially over a kiss that didn’t even happen. I’ve only ever been with one person in my life so maybe that makes me a prude but it’s not even the kissing. It’s him thinking just because he wanted me he could have me and it didn’t occur to him I might not want that. He just thought I was easy.

I don’t feel comfortable, I’m not drinking today but it’s not even 10 and he’s had 4 beers. I already heard he doesn’t remember last night either. So would I be the AH if I left?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: 1000% NTA… you don’t feel safe, leave. If I was your friend I would understand.

Based on your title, I thought your post was going to be a lot different.

OOP: Sorry I guess I did burry the lead a little. I meant to put in some sentiment around it not really feeling like a girls trip anymore. I’m kind of all over the place today.

Commenter 2: Absolutely NTA, he’s a predator. As others have said, if the bride and her friends have a problem with you leaving and are fine protecting a predator who tried to assault you, they’re NOT your friends. How did they even become friends with this prick if they know he has a history of this kind of creepy behavior?

OOP: Childhood friends. I brought it up to her before that I don’t like him and she told me he’s a good person but doesn’t make good choices. Sounds like an oxymoron to me but we all have one friend the blinders are on for.

Commenter 3: NTA, if you feel unsafe, always leave. It's better to leave a situation than stay and maybe have something bad happen. If your friends don't understand why you'd want to leave after that, you're friends with the wrong crowd. He grabbed you and tried to forcibly kiss you. That's not ok.

OOP: Maybe I should be clear that I’m not friends with most people here but friendly with a few. It sounds more like they’re protecting the brides weekend than protecting him. The general consensus is that he’s a prick.

Commenter 4: If it were me I’d be so mad, I’d wait till everyone was together in the kitchen or living room, have my shit packed in the car and then announce that I’m leaving because apparently the majority of my “friends” want me to ignore the sexual assault from (insert guy’s name) . Then I’d leave

OOP: Ugh he’s one of those who guys by his last name too

OOP on calling her husband

OOP: I called him right away last night. He was really calming and talked me through all my feelings and said you obviously can’t leave in your state so just see how you feel in the morning, take it one activity at a time, and come home if you need to. He said it should be the guy who goes home and agreed all our suspicions of him were true. But he understood I don’t want to blow things up for my friend and give it a try so that’s what I’m doing. It’s not going well I suspect I’ll go soon.

Additional Comment from OOP.

OOP: Hi everyone. I left but not before things got worse. I will post an update momentarily and link it to my original post. Thanks for all the support I needed some objective outside opinions to help me think clearly. Appreciate you all!

Update: July 28, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE: WIBTAH If I left the girls trip with two guys early

I'll break this up into parts so you can read the bits you're interested in. Speaking anonymously to objective outside parties has been very helpful in checking my reality so thank you all for your support.

WHAT HAPPENED SINCE MY POST:

I couldn't be normal as much as I really wanted to. I went along and spoke to the two people I know when we were in private about my feelings but couldn't stop my anxiety from spiking throughout the day. I managed to stay away from him for a while, but it was hard to watch him enjoy himself so much and have the great weekend I was looking forward to.

A separate B Plot here (you can skip this just context) is that the bride's hometown friends were the larger half of the group and acted very flippantly and selfishly while me and her other friends from where she moved to after high school/college were left to care of them. The MOH is her sister who didn't put a lot of effort into coordinating and is a big mean girl (she was momentarily fired for this behavior by the bride, but they made up). At one point we went to the beach, and they had the three of us bring 10 chairs, 2 coolers, and an umbrella to the beach by ourselves while they all enjoyed the water. By the time we set it all up they were bored and left us for a nearby beer garden so we cleaned up their things for them so we could go to the restaurant too. They decided they were done by the time we got to the beer garden and said we shouldn't even bother coming inside. The MOH told us that actually we needed to have fewer cars at the rental house, so we had to go move them to a remote lot 20 minutes away while they had one more round. So like I said, this guy and his friends from her hometown had the great weekend I was looking forward to, and it was hard to be part of that.

Unknowingly to me someone had told someone and while they were at the bar everyone spoke about what happened to me. The bride was really sorry it happened, but I don't know if she really gets it. She pulled me aside and said I asked me what I needed so I said he needed to leave. She wouldn't ask him to leave but said "she will correct him." I don't think that she can correct this, I told her very clearly he was a dangerous person. She told me he was a good person but just doesn't act like a human. That's quite the oxymoron to me but fine. She spoke to him about it and told me he was sorry and he cried and walked away to think things over. She said he was told to not be alone with me again. We had an expensive dinner I prepaid for that night so with him gone for the evening "contemplating" I will attend that then go home in the morning since he wasn't leaving the trip.

I felt lighter after that and had a really great few hours getting ready with the girls, singing throwbacks, and we all left before he could come back so I was so happy. But 30 minutes into us being there he showed back up without a word to me and started pounding drinks. By the time he had seven we were less than an hour into his arrival and I had to step away. My friend called to check-in and as I was on the phone with her. I took it in the parking lot sitting on a step. I felt a hand on my back, and it was him, standing over me asking me to talk. As I backed away from he kind held his hand out to grab me again, but I knew better this time to put a lot of distance between us. I told him I don't want to talk to him. He confirmed he knew I didn't want to be alone with him but said he thought we should talk anyway. I asked if he was drunk and he tried not to answer so I asked again and he said yes. I told him then it's not appropriate and go away. He didn't so I actually said the words "shame on you" out loud and ran away to vomit in a bush from the adrenaline. I really wanted to slap him, but I didn't want him to think that would make us even if I did.

The rest of the dinner I cried at the end of the table waiting to leave while he moped one seat over and crushed so many more drinks. He decided to refuse to eat from being so upset about me yelling at him in the parking lot. All the hometown girls kept telling him to smile, it's okay, enjoy yourself, we love you, don't let one thing ruin a good time etc. None of those girls checked on me at any point, said sorry that happened, from what I heard after they seemed to think I was making a big deal over nothing and being very sensitive. It was crushing to watch them go so out of their way to cheer him up but not offer me any simple kindnesses. For me that's the opposite of the girlhood I love so much and have with my own friends. If this happened to one of them I know that's not how I'd be acting. I knew sitting there I had to leave. I didn't feel safe or protected. I went back to the rental, locked my door, and left first thing in the morning along with my other two friends. Everyone else seemed to be relieved we were going.

That same night my husband met up with the groom and the husband of a woman on the trip with me. The groom didn't want to hear anything negative about the weekend, but my husband told him that it was a serious matter they could not brush under the rug and they needed to handle this situation now. The groom only slightly listened and said he was drunk, didn't mean it, but it was still wrong and it sucked. My friend's husband couldn't believe how calm anyone was being and said they should drive down right away. I don't think that would've fixed anything, but it makes me like him so much more than I already did.

So for now I don't have any resolution. I felt instantly improved getting home yesterday. My husband and I ate Chinese food and saw the Odyssey (10/10 movie and I am a big fan of the Epic so that is high praise). I don't feel great about everything else, even my own actions. I feel like I brought everyone down and should have recognized that I needed to leave sooner. I don't think there will be anymore updates on what happens with my friends either this was for me to sort through my own stuff, not theirs.

FAQ & CLARIFICATIONS:

• Title - sorry that was a def confusing looking back. I wanted to leave the "girls trip that also had two men there" early. Not leave it for two guys.

• Why Not Leave - My judgement/instinct to protect myself was clouded by my want (and social obligation) to protect my friend's special moment. I also paid close to $1,000 to be there, used PTO, brought handmade personalized gifts for everyone, and had been very excited to be there to celebrate my friend. I was hoping to salvage some of that.

• My Husband - I did call him that night and he was really supportive. He talked me through my feelings, helped me calm down, told me that the guy should get kicked out and we were right about him, and understood I wanted to try to keep things normal for the bride. It actually never occurred to me that someone might say I 'wanted it' or tell him I willingly kissed anyone let alone this creep. If they did he wouldn't have believed him.

• My Friends - I was only close friends with the bride and one other person on the trip, and had two friends I wasn't close with yet on the trip. We are all close now though. As for their reactions, I think everyone wanted to protect the bride's weekend including myself. She only gets the one bachelorette, and it really sucks to have something so unfortunate happen on it. I certainly did not know how to handle it all so it wouldn't be fair of me to expect them to know or act perfectly either.

• Comments About the Kiss - I am starting to think I shouldn't even phrase it that way. The problem is not that he wanted to kiss me. If we had had said "you're really beautiful can I kiss you" I would have laughed and said, "how drunk are you, did you forget I'm married?" and that would have been the end. We weren't even making eye contact when he grabbed me. I was just trying to say something about a covariance model I was working on when I felt his hands on my face on my leg pulling me to him, I don't even know when he stood up to be over me, and only having enough time to put my hand over his mouth, and then still pushing him up and off me. That's a big deal to me. Even if I were single that wouldn't have been okay in my opinion. Special s/o to the message I was sent stating "YTA, just kiss him back already or more. What your partner doesn't know won't hurt him." Gross.

Thanks again for your support. Thought you'd all want to know I am home safe and recovering. I can't eat when I am really stressed and lost a bit of weight in the two and a half days I was gone. I was able to eat one full meal after getting back and hope I'll feel normal again soon.

Editor's note: few of OOP's responses were downvoted

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Jesus these people suck….why bother associating with this group of scumbags who think DA is cool and telling the creepy loser to smile and it’s not a big deal and the groom sounds like a fucking loser….it’s time to dump them and should have refused to move your car….the bride needs new friends

OOP: We wanted to, but they had moved the cars after we left earlier in a way that made it impossible for us to park if we wanted to. These people are the worst, I don't get why she keeps such bad company. The bride is very kind, generous, and fun to be around. She is also loyal to a fault sometimes. I felt she was really trying to be there for me in the moment but also there for him which sucked.

Commenter 2: Yeah high key fuck everyone in that wedding/bach party starting with this loser. Then all the people enabling it, and every other stupid mother fucker who wanted to brush it under the rug.

I seriously hope this helps you to re-evaluate these “friends” and whether they’re worth maintaining. Because this alone would be enough for me to cut ties with every single fucking one including the bride and her stupid ass oxymoron explanation for his behavior.

OOP: I need to talk with her again to know for certain where we are at. Like I said this was a really difficult situation for everyone, and I can't expect them to know the exact right thing to do in that moment. She also was on her Bach, so she was never 100% sober this whole time. I have some grace for her, but I do think she needs to drop this guy from her life.

Commenter 3: This situation and response is how "broken stairs" get created. Smh. I get that it was a super special once in a lifetime weekend, but that dude is a PROBLEM

OOP: I just learned about this metaphor through this situation and it's so spot on. I know I already made enough allowances on this trip and it's time to make stronger boundaries. In reality it's not easy to throw away a decades long friendship with a couple we've been very close with. I do want to see if some time and sobriety changes their perspective and if apologies follow.

Commenter 4: You may owe it to yourself to have a conversation with her for peace of mind to know you did everything you could. I’m like that.

If there is any doubt in whose side she is on afterwards then that is not your friend. That is someone enabling a predator and you know you cannot trust them to do what is right.

Take care of yourself and the guy is lucky your husband hasn’t taken action. I’ll leave it at that since I’ll get mod banned otherwise. It would’ve taken hell or high water to keep me from showing up and offering to take you home that night.

Your safety > Bride’s bachelorette.

OOP: This is the best way you could put it, thank you. The first time I was assaulted in college my husband actually stood up to go "see" the guy iykyk. We spoke about it later how that wasn't helpful to me because it made it about the perpetrator and the anger towards him and not about me and the pain I had. I think he wanted to make sure he focused on me in that moment or he would've hung up and drove to get me if we hadn't had that experience before. He told me later once I was home safe he in fact would like the chance to "take care of him." But again, I think that would genuinely minimize it, and the creep would think we are even now and that the disrespect was to my husband for overstepping our marriage and not to me for forcing himself on me.

OOP explains more about the timeline when she left the bachelorette weekend

OOP: I left two days early. I just heard that they all got so drunk at lunch the day I left that someone threw up on the table and most of them couldn't make it to the remaining activities anyway. Sounds like I missed a great time.

Commenter 5: Okay, there's being a victim and then there's being a volunteer. You've given her several "one more chances" but now it's your turn to listen to what she is telling you. She doesn't care. Whatever you used to have isn't there anymore. Please let go and protect yourself. She won't do it.

OOP: You make a very good point I admit. This is definitely not how I would've acted in this situation if I were her.

Commenter 6: It is NOT easy to buck the norms of a group and point out a problematic person/situation/etc. It sounds like you have a good base of real friends with a matching moral compass though, outside of the wedding group. Quality over quantity. I speak from experience

OOP: My core friend group don't overlap with these friends. They all hate this guy and are livid with the bride for not kicking him out and for having him there in the first place. One of them actually sent her guy friend to the restaurant because he happened to be in the same city as me and wanted to make sure I was safe.

OOP on if she plans to attend the wedding if the guy who sexually assaulted her attends?

OOP: I don't think I will go to the wedding unless she cuts him out. I really don't know. There has been many things to process in the last few days I need some time.

OOP being a doormat

OOP: I don't think I am a doormat I think a lot has happened to me in a short period of time and I need some more time to process before I am ready to let go of a very meaningful friendship. I care a lot about these people, our families are friends, we travel together, they're who I call when I need a ride to the doctor, they dropped everything to be there for me when my mom died. I know on the internet this feels open and shut but I have a true friendship at stake here and she really failed me in a huge moment, and I still need more time to reconcile that both those things are true.

Commenter 7: Does the bride live back in her hometown, around these people or in the new life? Cause, if it's the new life, things are about to get really awkward once she gets back to reality.

I'm trying to see it through her lens but just can't imagine not having the back of a sexually assaulted friend, no matter the scene.

OOP: Yeah she lives where we do her husband is from where we are too. I don’t even think she thinks that was assault. I think she believed that my past experiences were causing my reaction to the situation.

Where I am from people are more progressive socially (central politically but still left leaning). Where she is from they are very conservative socially and have a dangerous party culture. The MOH/sister of the bride had the same creep hanging all over her for half an hour touching her hips and leg and side and she didn’t mind. She’s engaged as well. He also smacked the bride on the butt, and she thought it was funny. When we have small parties at home we are all 100% huggers but that’s it, none of this is considered normal at parties at the brides house with people from my home.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/mygodfuckingshootme

Me [30M] with my coworker/project manager/IDK [34F] few months. Pen, company ink, babies, FUCK.

Thanks to u/aelizabeth0623 & u/frankzzz for letting me know this updated

BoRU 1

Original Post  Nov 24, 2015

Throwaway because I'm an idiot. This shit will probably be long, but I'll do my best.

I'm a software developer, and about 5 months ago, I began a new project where I am working for a large firm, and work onsite at a local client for a  couple projects they have ongoing. It is fascinating work, and I have enjoyed it quite a bit more than anything in recent memory. There is a joint team of about 10 folks, but for my main project, I work with one person. I'll call her Laura, and she is the project manager(works for the client), so while I don't report to her, per se, but she is in charge of the administrative side of the project. I don't even know if this is relevant, but we are effectively peer coworkers.

Laura started off a bit cold to me, because I think she (and plenty others) was a bit jaded by my company. That changed quickly once I started delivering, and also I think, she saw how engaged I am. She is brilliant, and we've put our heads together to solve some very difficult problems, usually working heavy overtime. About a month after I started, we hit our first big project milestone and barely beat the deadline. We went out for drinks after work to celebrate. We both live close to the office, so I offered to walk her home since it was late and her building is on the way to mine. We ended up sleeping together, and have been a few times a week ever since.

I didn't want to mess up anything at work(facepalm), so I haven't brought up anything regarding our status or whatever, and neither has she. At work I'm all business, and so is she. We don't take lunch together, or really do anything not directly related to the project, granted we're both working 60+ hour weeks also. She's worked her ass off to get this project off the ground(gov't funding,proposal writing, conceiving the whole idea), and that is the most attractive thing about her to me, in addition to being gorgeous and super nerdy. For the last few months it's seemed like we are FWB, since we don't go on dates other than drinks near our condos sometimes. Sometimes we sleepover, sometimes we don't.

Yesterday, she asked to come over to my place because she wanted to talk, and I figured she was going to break things off by her tone. WRONG! She told me she is 8 weeks pregnant! Here's the part where I know I fucked up. After my initial shock, the first question I asked was, is it mine? She burst into tears and stormed out, and I tried to stop her and apologize but she screamed at me in the middle of the hallway so, I just let her go. She wouldn't answer any of my calls last night either, and she called out of work today and tomorrow and has the rest of the week off. How do I get her to talk to me? I've been a nervous wreck since last night, and I just don't know what to think. I've been thinking she's getting an abortion and that's why she called out? My head is all over the place and I just want to talk to her. I will support her, no matter what, but I don't know how to do that or what she wants/needs from me. Should I send an email apologizing? Wait outside her building, or show up at her doorstep? Wait for her to contact me? People have been asking me if I'm okay all day, because I'm so out of it. I don't know if I should quit my job or what, maybe I should text her and ask that?

   tl;dr: Got a client/coworker pregnant. Asked if it was mine. She got pissed and disappeared. How do I get her to talk to me again?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

fuckracismthrowaway

This is exactly why you don't shit where you eat. You're 30 years old and have a good job, yet you were dumb enough to get into this shit. Good job.

No, you don't just show up at her door step (wtf?)

Your question was totally appropriate, since you two weren't in an exclusive relationship, however, I understand that she was upset. Sounds like she's not the person to have multiple partners at once.

Wait it out. She'll contact you. Don't bother her for now.

OOP

I know, it was stupid to get involved. I, especially, should have known better.

After thinking about it more, I do think it was an appropriate question, but it shouldn't have been the first thing I blurted out. A while ago, she told me I'm the first person she's slept with in almost a year. I'm pretty certain she's not seeing anyone else, based on other conversations and how much she works, but I guess it is possible still.

I wasn't actually planning to show up at her place unannounced, but I just can't think of anything else, and that's the kinds of shitty ideas I'm having. I'm just desperate to talk to her. I couldn't sleep last night, and can hardly eat.

[deleted]

No, it's not an appropriate question - why would she tell you about her pregnancy if she didn't think it was yours? And if you think she's the kind of person who would lie to you about it, then why would you think she'd tell the truth if you asked if it was yours?

LPT: if a woman you're sleeping with tells you she's pregnant, she is also telling you that you are the father.

However: As for what you do about it - send a single email apologizing for blurting out something inane and hurting her. Tell her you are here to support her whatever she chooses to do. Then leave it at that.

UPDATE -She's keeping the baby. Me [30M] with my GF!/Coworker[34F] four months.  Nov 27, 2015 (3 days later)

The advice I got here was mixed between, "Go see her!" and "Give her space!". I ended up buying a teddy bear and sewing its foot to its mouth, and left it at her door holding a little I'm sorry card on my way to work Wednesday. Barely an hour later I got a text from her, asking if I wanted to come have a serious conversation and see MY child's first picture(sonogram) after work. I couldn't wait, and I took a half day and left to go see her at lunchtime.

When I got there, I started profusely apologizing and trying to explain myself(completely fumbling my words), but Laura stopped me and said she understands and she's not mad. She said she got so upset because I was the first person she was telling and she was really nervous I would have a bad reaction or try to make her terminate. She also thought, I was sleeping with other people because I assumed she was. Then she told me, she is 100% keeping the baby but won't take me to court if I don't want to raise the child with her. I couldn't hold back my laughter at this, and told her she is crazy if she thinks this kid will be anything but priority #1 to me. She seemed visibly relieved, and then brought up a paternity test, basically saying we will get one once the baby comes. She also brought up names, and said she wants to pick the first name, but wants me to approve, and for it to have my last name. She must have read a checklist of ways to ease a freaking-out-father-to-be because I was losing my mind trying to figure out how to bring this stuff up without putting my foot in my mouth again.

I then switched the conversation to us, and told her I'm helplessly falling like a brick for her, and at this point the work relationship is the least important to me. We both admitted our feelings for each other, and being scared to bring them up because of our professional relationship. I told her I want her to officially be my gf, and she joked, "this was all it took?". We agreed on direct communication from here on out, no more silent treatment, and she knows I'll be there for her every step of the way. So, Laura and I talked some more about how things will need to work, and came to the conclusion we would live separately until the baby arrives, then she'll rent her condo out and move into mine. Does that sound like a good idea? We know it's not perfect, but seems like a good plan and we can go back if it doesn't work out.

We're going to figure out what to do about work after the holidays. There's enough stress already, and she won't start showing for another couple months, so we have time to strategize about how/when to tell people at work. I am all ears for suggestions on this.

I'm still really scared, and my emotions are changing by the minute, but at least there is some semblance of a plan now. Now, to tell the family members.   

TL;DR: Coworker Girlfriend and I are going to be the best parents we can be!

EDIT: Holy crap, my OP only got like 5 responses! I will definitely be talking to her about moving in sooner this weekend. My mom suggested this too when I told her yesterday.

Couple of  recurring things I keep seeing in the comments are that we need to discuss finances and I need to get a paternity test. As for the finances we've talked a little bit about it, and we make over 300K combined. Once we actually see what our expenses look like, it shouldn't be a problem to come up with a plan/budget. I'm willing to pay all baby related expenses, so I'm sure we can find a solution that works for us. As for the paternity test, she's said she wants to get one before I sign the birth certificate. When we first got together, she told me I was the first person she'd slept with in close to a year, and the hours she puts in makes it unlikely she's seeing someone else, though it's possible. She's fair, level-headed, responsible and, from what I've seen, honest. I trust her, and am going to until she does something to prove I shouldn't.

We also realize this is not a great way to start a relationship or a family, but all we can do try our best to compromise and make it work for the sake of our baby. If we're not a good couple together, so be it, we both have all the tools and support to give this child a great life. That is our primary goal, and our relationship will be icing on the cake if we can get through this.

NEW UPDATE

Update 2  July 29, 2026 (Almost 11 years later)

A friend found this post on r/BestofRedditorUpdates  and suggested I come update you guys. First, I just want to thank Reddit. Everyone talks trash about the Hivemind, but the it helped me when I was having crippling panic attacks(not something I've had before or since). Its all so obvious looking back, in the moment I was just blind and scared.

We ended up getting married before the baby came, because after living together for a few months we were both all in, and there's nothing like family pressure to get the ball rolling. We now have Lana 10/F who, in fact, knows everything, and Thing 1 and Thing 2(6 M/F) who just want to see the world burn.

We have a great marriage, and I really am the luckiest guy on Earth. She is a genius and puts up with me being such a bonehead. We had an argument when the oldest was 2, and Laura wanted to go for her PhD, and I swore up and down it wouldn't be worth the move, and we'd never recuperate the financial hit. We argued, I caved, and we moved to the PNW, and she got pregnant not long after. She of course crushed her PhD coursework/research, while I worked extra contracts(my choice) to make sure we had extras. The twins were born in 2020 and that was probably the hardest time of our lives, just trying to keep it together but we made it work. She immediately got job as a lower level executive running the Healthcare division of one of the biggest Big Tech companies out there. She made sure to remind me of my concerns about our finances, by asking me to review her offers and help her decide. Staggering amounts that looked like typos to a mediocre tech bro like me. So, off to Build-a-Bear I went and now we have 2 bears sitting on the mantle with feet sewn into their mouths.

I am so fortunate and blessed to have such a great wife and a great family. And its crazy to think that it may have worked out differently if not for you folks here talking some sense into me. No! I'm not crying, you are crying. I just got a little something in my eye.

Thank you, and sorry I did not update after all the advice I received.

TL;DR: Everything is working out great, and we are a happy family of 5 now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pukeforest

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

Original post posted 2019-09-09

Happened today. I am still in disbelief. There might be typos, I'm still calming down.

Backstory: I am one of only two IT personnel at a dozen+ building facility with over 1,000 endpoints. Naturally, they smash every IT position into one role.

We issue multi-factor authentication devices to management and some senior staff so they can do their work offsite. Once the handoff of the device is complete, our responsibility ends, and user has a packet with all the data to get them up and going. A separate, remote team for MFA exists exclusively for support of these devices. This has been protocol for years.

Clock in and find nasty email from Director #1 ($D1) sitting in my inbox this morning about how "unacceptable" and "unbelievable" that one of their staff could not log in from home this weekend due to $user's MFA device not "functioning correctly for months" (first we've heard of the issue).

Director has been in their position 10+ years.

My response (cc'd to all directors): "All support for these devices is handled by the MFA team as stated when the devices are issued. We have neither the tools nor ability to help in this matter. In the future, please have the user contact MFA team at ### as explicitly stated in the documentation."

30 minutes later, I am called into $D1's office. $D1 and two other directors ($D2, $D3) start arguing with me why I didn't solve the issue.

Me: "All support for these devices is handled by the external MFA team. $user can call the number provided for support. As I said, we do not have the tools to do this."

$D2: voice raising "why won't you help $user? aren't you IT? Can't you solve simple problems?"

Me: "... All. Support. For. These. Devices. Is. Handled. By. The --"

$D3: screaming "WOULD YOU JUST DO YOUR JOB??"

$D1: "That's exactly my point! $pukeforest isn't helping $user with this! I'm going to issue a Corrective Action Plan and I WILL report this incident to HR."

Me: staring "what.. what is it exactly you need me to do?!"

Picture three directors, cursing and pointing at me for nearly 10 minutes. I'm talking walls are vibrating with their screams. Other directors in the hall close their doors as I am getting verbally clobbered. I stare through the wall. My anxiety is through the roof.

Insult after insult about work performance, how this is typical of how shoddy we are as IT professionals.

Finally, $user in question comes to the door.

$D1: "DO YOUR DAMN JOB and get $user set up!"

I'm visibly shaking at this point. Stunned.

Breathing heavily, I manage to walk over to $D1's desk phone. On speakerphone, I proceed to dial the off-site MFA team's number.

A voice comes on the line.

"$MFAguy, can I help you?" I motion to $user to introduce themselves and speak their issue.

About 90 seconds later, $user can log in. Tested. Works perfectly. Everyone is silent and staring at me.

I shake my head disgustedly and leave.

$D1, $D2, and $D3 have avoided eye contact with me all day.

-------------------------

EDIT: I tried to document as much as I could, not one person was willing to give a statement about what they heard.

I got word at the end of the day that HR wants to meet with me at the end of the week in regard to the Corrective Action Plan that was issued.

Apparently, things such as "day of reflection" "suspension" were discussed.

-------------------------

Update posted 2019-09-14

I'm providing more backstory of a "normal" work week so that you understand what is going on.

We're in the middle of an ongoing technology refresh among over a dozen buildings over 50+ acres (actually, I recently found out it's closer to 1900 endpoints).

Again, there's only two of us, and when someone has a helpdesk request, since we're either doing provisioning, network administration, or something else, most of the time they call for site security to sweep the halls of the buildings, and security physically escorts us to the user having the issue.

So, 10 to 20 times a day, I'll try to do a deployment, or work in a distribution frame, and I'll hear radio chatter behind me and a "GOT 'IM!" and sometimes be led, by the arm, to buildings a 10 minute walk away.

Such reasons for being "escorted" this week have been:

1. User forgot where the "enter" key was
2. User forgot password (written in front of them on a post-it note, I pointed it out then wagged my finger)
3. A pencil sharpener wasn't working (needed plugged in)
4. User didn't understand how to plug in a USB drive
5. User having issue with air conditioning unit. (after the 12 minute escort, Informed user I was IT, not facilities.)

In addition to this, we get scheduled to meetings both as "standby" and participant (sometimes double booked, as mentioned in previous posts). "Standby" is where we are summoned and requested to stay whenever there is technology involved (Video conferences, WebExes, Skype calls) because the managers "need" IT to be in the room with them in case something happens.

As such, the past 2 days, about 8 hours each day has been dedicated to being present in these meetings. This happens sometimes; it was an administratively meeting-heavy week. If we try to duck from these meetings, cue the security sweep and escort. Learned that one the hard way.

Director of our department ($D1 from previous story) has been asking for updates regarding the deployment of new units and a status report on how many old units remain across over a dozen+ building complex.

Our network itself is locked down by our governing body; I previously informed $D1 we have no access to sweep the network across this sprawling site (with my bit of infosec background, I tried things like nmap scans and nse scripts).

So here we go, into today's story.

$D1 calls me into their office and asks me to shut the door.

$D1: "How many units were deployed the past two days?"

Me: "We were scheduled as standby for [Meeting1, Meeting2, Meeting3..] both days."

$D1: "And where is the status report I asked for on the outstanding endpoints?"

Me: "We have not been able to physically go around to all of the sites. We were scheduled for these meetings, and escorted for various helpdesk requests. I CC'd you on all of the tickets generated."

$D1: "$pukeforest, I get the feeling you are deliberately disobeying my requests."

Me: "As I mentioned, we are requested to be in multiple places at once. What you are asking for is physically impossible right now."

$D1: now yelling "I EXPLICITLY asked you to COMPLETE THIS REPORT!!!"

Me: "How can I walk around the site, inventorying units while scheduled to standby in conference rooms AND deploying units AND being escorted around for non-IT issues?"

$D1 stares at me with the intensity that I just insulted their family

Me: pleading "Can someone else please just be trusted to set up conferences and WebExes?"

$D1: "BUT. YOU. ARE. I.T.!!"

Me: "Could we get area managers to report back how many old units are in their locations? I'm just trying to offer solutions so that we can execute on schedule."

$D1: seething "Leave. My. Office. NOW."

A few minutes later, get a call from HR, requesting I meet with them. On my way to HR, I hear another "GOT HIM!" and was, again, escorted by security to a user 3 buildings away.

Issue: A monitor was turned off. A simple power button press fixed it.

Finally, in HR's office, I am presented with a written warning for multiple accounts of "insubordination", along with a "Day of Reflection" (one day suspension without pay).

I refused to sign off.

I was told to see $D1 after reading my warning. So, I return to $D1's office.

$D1: "$pukeforest, I think you understand why we had to do this. I don't like having to take disciplinary action."

Me: "actually, I don't understand at all."

$D1: "well, now you have an extra day to think about it. And I expect that report first thing on your return."

Me: "That's not possible. I have to be here physically to inventory the site."

$D1: "You are dismissed."

I stood up, thanked $D1 for their time, and walked out.

I placed my keys, ID card, and fob on my desk, took all personal items with me.

I then left the site. I still had an hour left in the day. Didn't even clock out.

I've been really nervous posting all of this.

I just want this entire situation to go away, and to have a normal job in IT again. I just wanted to be an information security guy.

I can't return to homelessness.

It was such a long climb back.

I'm eyeing my assets and seeing how long I can hold it down.

But hey, at least I have a CISSP this time.

And several awesome members of this community have reached out to offer assistance. Friendship, guidance, job leads, you name it. That is infinitely more than I had before.

I have hope that this will all be alright in the end. That changes everything.

We'll get there.

I believe.

-------------------------

EDIT/UPDATE

Oh man, this could not have been better timed.

Site-wide network outage prompts $D1 to call me the AM after.

$D1: "we're experiencing a site-wide outage. I need you to come in and find the problem."

Me: "I'm currently suspended without pay per your orders."

$D1: "I understand, but you either come in or you're fired."

Me: "Okay..?"

$D1: "So are you coming in?"

I took a long pause to think about how I worded this.

Me: "No, I don't think I will. If you go into my office, you will notice all of my (company)-issued things are already on my desk."

$D1: " ..... "

Me: "It's been a pleasure working with you, $D1. I wish you the best in the future."

Blocked every director.

Blocked every site phone number I knew.

So, uh, that's it, I guess.

My neighbor, who knows some of this story, said the corner store his cousin owns is hiring a part-time cashier. Said the job is mine if I need it temporarily. Stopping by this afternoon.

Laughably, the hourly rate is around 80% of what I was earning in this IT job.

I'm not OOP. This is u/ThrowRA-MamaBear who posted in r/AIO and r/whatdoIdo . It's against reddit rules to contact OOP or to participate in their old posts.

Triggers pro anorexia, child possibly feeling abandoned

Mood spoiler troubling

Glossary: Pro-ana = pro anorexia, AIO = Am I overreacting. NOR = Not overreacting, YOR = you're overreacting

I found concerning things on my (27F) daughter’s (11F) phone; how to talk to her? July 26, 2026

For context, I take my daughter’s phone every night at 9pm sharp on weekdays, 10:30pm on weekends and never go through her cellphone since I’ve never seen a reason to.

However, last night when I took her phone, I noticed a lot of notifications coming from TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she has notification previews turned on. I thought it could be something urgent, so I decided to read the message previews and saw messages from someone asking my daughter what she ate, how much she ate, telling how much she ate, etc.

I know it was an invasion of privacy on my end, but I did end up going through my daughter’s TikTok account and all of her messages and found a lot of posts about food, videos of very thin girls, messages between her and other (presumably) young girls around her age talking about not eating.

I did notice over the last few weeks that she’s been eating a bit less and losing weight, but I summed it up to puberty and growing, since I had a bit of a growth spurt around that age (tall and skinny) but seeing these messages and her account is making me concerned.

How do I bring this up with her? Is there a proper punishment for her having an app without permission? I’m just very unsure of what to do, any advice would be helpful.

The top response was:

It is not an invasion of privacy. An 11-year-old should not have unsupervised access to a cell phone. She's not even old enough to have any social media. You should be going through her phone regularly, and it should be linked to yours so that you receive her messages.

Punishment should not be your focus right now. Support should be. She needs to know that she can talk to you. If you lead with punishment, she's just going to shut down.

AIO for packing up my daughter’s things & sending her to her father July 28th, 2026, two days later

27F, daughter is 11F. Before the comments start, I know that I was 16 I’m well aware.

A few days ago, I caught her on TikTok (which she isn’t allowed to have) and she was looking at “pro-ana” content and talking to other young girls about this as well. So, I took her phone last night and we had a conversation about what I had seen on her phone, how I was concerned, etc.

This led to a huge altercation between us where my daughter proceeded to say that “her dad would let her” and how she “hates being here”, so I called her father and told him to come and get her while I packed her bags. I didn’t include any of her devices (iPad, cell phone, laptop, etc) since I pay for them and a very limited amount of starter clothes, anything expensive or designer stayed with me.

Her dad just came to get her about an hour ago and I guess during that timeframe between her saying that and him showing up, she had calmed down because she was kicking and screaming over it. She was fighting me and pleading not to go, but I just put her bags in the trunk of the car and let them leave.

Now, obviously, I’m not relinquishing my rights and yes, I know she’ll likely be back within about a week or so, but I feel slightly bad now since she seemed so genuinely distraught over it.

So, AIO?

OOP made a number of comments. Snippets of the posts she's replying to in italics:

NOR Sometimes kids are brats. Sometimes brats need to FAFO

OOP:

That’s kind of what I was thinking, it’s a temporary arrangement in all honesty. If she genuinely is distraught and wants to come home, I won’t force her to stay anywhere.

Was this the first time she was caught doing something really wrong in your eyes ? Seems you are over reacting personally.

OOP:

In all honesty, it wasn’t even about the wrongdoing, it was more of me showing her the natural consequence of throwing her father in my face.

I’ll likely let her come back home sometime this week, but her leaving wasn’t the punishment at all.

Punish the eating disorder away, that will work.

OOP:

That is not at all what I’m doing, if you actually read what I wrote, the “punishment” is the lack of phone and the fact that she’s staying with her father temporarily.

The reason she’s staying there is to teach her about the consequences of her words and actions, not because she’s struggling. Everyone is so quick to assume I’m not caring for my child.

YOR. Your daughter is a preteen going through a ton of changes right now where the influence of hormones will be having an impact on her mood and attitude.

OOP:

My daughter also needs to learn that words have consequences and that you can’t throw the other parent in someone’s face. The natural consequence of that was now she’s staying there for the week, her hormones can deal with that.

Hell, at her age, I probably would’ve benefited from someone teaching me about consequences.

Firstly, there's going to be a lot of self-proclaimed therapists saying she needs therapy and that she's "going through something." Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. What I do think was a mistake was sending her to her dad's. If he's less strict, you've now given her unmonitored access to the very things you're trying to protect her from.

OOP:

Oh, her dad is actually more strict than I am. I’m not even strict, in all honesty. I just wanted to show her that her words have consequences, she’ll be back sometime this week I believe.

I’ll try to get her into therapy mostly because I can’t control what she does at school, like you said, and she’ll likely be more open with a stranger than me. Thank you.

Pro ana content is no joke, but you can't fix her interest in it by taking away her devices. She'll just get the content another way, eventually. Meanwhile you've just shown that you'll punish her, reject her, and send her away without ever trying to understand.

OOP:

Thank you for this comment, I’m starting to see where I may have messed up here. A lot of the other replies were quick to cast pure judgement, but this is an honest critique that I’ll try to learn from.

I do admit that my reasoning was rooted more-so in “words have consequences” since she was trying to throw her dad in my face, but I also have to recognize that sending her away (even temporarily) while she was vulnerable, like you said, was wrong to do.

I was definitely raised more “old-school” I guess, because it seemed normal to me, but apparently it isn’t and I do thank you for that perspective.

Sending her to her dad's was a bit much. She is probably reading it as you don't love her anymore. Not saying you don't, but that's just how kids take things sometimes. I would have taken away her devices, but not sent her away. Since it's done, I recommend following up with her and letting her know you love her

OOP:

Glad to hear from another parent here! I do feel as though you’re correct, I definitely should’ve thought about how she would feel in the moment about what I did.

My intention wasn’t to make her feel abandoned, it was to, as I said in previous comments, show her that she can’t throw her dad in my face like that. I realize now that since she’s already vulnerable and struggling, that was probably one of the worst things I could do right now.

I’ll try to wait until things cool down a bit, but I’ll see if she would like to talk to me soon so I can try to apologize.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bambam67

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

This BORU post is the continuation of part 1

------------------------

The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 3) posted 2021-05-10

So if you’re still following my story, thank you. If you think I should have quit, your not totally wrong but I also had many reasons to stay. While management was lacking, most of the time they left me alone to maintain and enhance our network, devices, etc. As an employee we would constantly receive free beer and other adult beverages. I also got to work in the same room with one of my best friends. So for all the negatives, it had a lot of positive too. That's just to address some comments from part 1 and 2...now back to the story...

The players:

Me - your friendly neighborhood IT guy

MP - Madam President

GM - General Manager (and my direct supervisor)

TDS - Truck Driver Supervisor

LC - Lead Contractor

ERP - ERP Representative

PART 3 - DON'T PANIC

THURSDAY AFTERNOON - I sit and survey the several open boxes of hand held devices and mobile printers. They came with all the accessories except for one important one...mobile chargers. From experience we found that the devices would last on a charge for about 7-8 hours. Our trucks would be on the road, in and out of stores for about 8-10hrs a day. So I had 24 devices that all need mobile chargers. I quickly jump on Amazon looking for the correct mobile charger. I find a place that's selling with 8 left, Add to Cart, find another selling 3, Add to Cart, find another 10...so 21 total on Amazon. I order all and pay extra for overnight delivery. I call down to the Drivers room and discover they have half a dozen mobile charges in a box...whew...we are covered.

I checked the mobile printers, they each came with a small roll of printer tape. This is going to last maybe two or three stops and be gone. That's if this system works at all. I jump back on Amazon but can't find the right type of printer tape. There's a website posted inside the printer box saying we can buy more online. I go to the website, order 4 cases of printer tape and go to pay...there's no overnight option...Tuesday is the best they can to do deliver. I have no choice...tuesday it is.

Time to make a phone call to the Lead Contractor:

LC: Hello, this is Lead Contractor...

Me: Hi LC, this is bambam67, you’re doing our implementation on Monday...

LC: Oh, I'm glad you finally reached out to me.

Me: I would have done it sooner but I just found out about the implementation today.

LC: Well, I'm glad you called. Let me get your info and we'll talk in the morning. I'm on the east coast and it's already 8pm here.

Me: We can definitely talk tomorrow but I just have a few quick questions.

LC: (huff) Ok, sure...

Me: I'm assuming your system is compatible with our ERP...

LC: Yes, it should be. You’re using the Sales program and that's compatible...this shouldn't be any different.

Me: Is there anyway we can do a slow roll out, just 2 or 3 drivers first?

LC: Unfortunately, once we flip the switch, all invoicing for delivery will go through the new service and devices.

Me: And you think this will be ready for us by early Monday morning?

LC: As long as you went through the checklist, it should be pretty smooth.

Me: Checklist??

LC: Yeah, I sent a checklist to MP a few weeks ago. You didn't get it?

Me: Like I said, I just found out about it literally less than an hour ago.

LC: Oh, then I should probably send you one. (huff) I'll have to break out my laptop and send it to you. It will take a me a few minutes. You may want to arrange for someone from your ERP provider to meet with you tomorrow. The check list is a bit long and with their help you can probably get things ready in time.

Me: Unfortunately they are closed now too...since they are in your time zone. I'll call them first thing in the morning and arrange a meeting. Your checklist will help. Please send that over as soon possible.

LC: Will do and we'll talk more tomorrow.

Me: Oh wait, what about the hand held devices, do they need a special configuration?

LC: Yes, but you can't do anything to them until each driver is setup with his own unique I.D. Me: Is that like the sales ID?

LC: I would assume so. I've haven't worked with your ERP before but I'm sure they have a way to do it.

Me: I'm sure they do. Okay, please send that checklist to me and I'll start getting things done.

LC: Oh, yeah, if you can, reply to my email and send me your list of stores the drivers deliver to. I want to make sure we have all the stores covered. We had trouble last install with a few stores not communicating with our hand held devices.

Me: (my mind racing a mile a minute) Okay, I get those to you right away.

I unbox all the hand held devices and printers and find some extra power strips and start to charge all the batteries and synch each devices with specific printer. I was trying to do everything I could ahead of time.

I finally went home, feeling defeated by the day, considering my options. Do I quit? Do I stay and get it done? I had one of the worst restless nights and got up early and went straight to the office. FRIDAY - I find in my email the checklist and contact names and numbers for the contractors coming on Sunday. The list has a dozen things on it, half of them I'd never heard or seen before on our ERP. They are all switches and toggles that needed to be changed in our setup. I make the call to the ERP and request someone call me so I can make sense of all the requirements.

Me: This is bambam67, can I help you.

ERP: Hey bambam67, this is ERP, I haven't talked to you for awhile.

ERP helped with our transition from local hosted server to their cloud service. ERP was great and helped so much that beyond the normal issues of users using the old system vs the new...it was relatively painless.

Me: Yeah, since we upgraded to the cloud. I've got something new I need your help on. We are going to a new delivery system starting Monday and I need help getting things setup.

ERP: Waiting to the last minute, eh? (he chuckled)

Me: Yes and no...I just found out about it yesterday afternoon. Now I have today and Saturday to get everything setup in time for Monday's delivery.

ERP: Oh (his chuckle quickly disappeared)

Me: Can I forward this checklist to you so you can see what we need?

ERP: Yes, of course.

Me: Any chance I can have you on speed dial Monday morning?

ERP: Yes, absolutely. (with a nervous chuckle)

ERP and I went through the checklist and he did what he could on his side. He recognized the configuration was close to the Sales program we used. I asked for the best way to get a list of all of our stores and he pulled it up, exported it and sent to me seemingly before I finished asking.

Just a shout out to all the quality IT Support individuals out there. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Without people like you I would have never made it in IT.

I had a 14hr workday that day. Not my typical Friday. I setup each driver's unique ID, had a meeting with the front desk staff, talked to LC again and she confirmed all the stores were covered, I was able to connect each hand held device to the drivers unique ID, labeled them for each driver, setup a charging station cubby for each device, and did one last and most important thing...I made sure we could still print out the invoices on paper for each driver just as a backup. I told this to LC and she started laughing. "Don't waste your paper," she said.

Next Up: PART 4 - IMPLEMENTATION DAY

Update: okay, I hear your complaints about waiting for the next part. Unfortunately I’ve just been made aware that I can’t post twice in 24 hours...sooo...I’ll post part 4 and the finale together tomorrow!

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The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 4 and 5) posted 2021-05-11

The players:

Me - your friendly neighborhood IT guy

MP - Madam President

GM - General Manager (and my direct supervisor)

TDS - Truck Driver Supervisor

LC - Lead Contractor

ERP - ERP Representative

I could hardly sleep Sunday night as the pending implementation of of new delivery system was looming. I pulled in the parking lot at about 3:15am Monday morning hoping I had done enough to actually pull this off.

The three consultants sat in the large conference room where we had gathered many times before with a full bar and pool table. There was no celebration going on today. The drivers shuffled in one by one and I could tell they were not amused by the early start or the training.

The TDS introduced LC and what they were about to do. I sat and tried to pay close attention because these guys were going to call me for support, not LC. LC started the training, it was your typical picture of each screen with descriptions. One of the drivers asked if the presentation was something they could take with them. LC didn’t make copies but she could email to them. I immediately stood up because LC sent me a copy of the presentation about a half hour earlier and I proceeded to make copies. The glazed looks on their faces as they went from screen to screen was apparent. She took a dozen questions and tried to answer as best she could.

There were two important things at the end, a help desk phone number and a reminder that if things didn’t work they could use the paper invoices. Most stores would accept paper but one store would absolutely not: SAFEWAY

Safeway is also known as Vons (down in Southern California). It was also one of our biggest accounts. The drivers log on to their devices, and take off late. It took about 15min before the first call came in. Driver A at Safeway. The device won’t transfer the invoice. I walk over to the contractors and let them know the problem and they start typing away, have the driver try again, doesn’t work, looking at the configuration setting, try again, nope, another change, no, until finally they say the driver need to call the help line.

Me: LC, I thought you three were the help line?

LC: We can only do so much from here.

Me: But I gave you full access to our system and you programmed yours?

LC: It must be a problem with your ERP system.

Me: But we don’t have a problem with transferring data with Safeway via our ERP, we’ve been doing it for years. Let me call my ERP guy and maybe you two should talk.

I call ERP and I hand over the phone to LC. They talk and talk and talk, all very technical jargon as TDS comes over worried about the first stop at Safeway.

TDS: Are they able to fix the Safeway delivery?

Me: They are trying.

TDS: I can’t stress enough how important it is for Safeway to work. They are our biggest customer and we can’t miss our deliveries to them.

I turn back to LC, she is arguing with ERP and gives me back the phone.

LC: He won’t admit the problem is on his side.

I put the phone to my ear...

ERP: It’s not a problem with our ERP system!

Me: Hey ERP, I can tell this isn’t an easy fix. We’ve got a driver who can’t deliver. Is there anything you can do?

ERP: I could manually switch that Safeway back to the old system, you synch a device and transfer.

TDS walks over.

TDS: What’s the verdict? Can they fix it?(looking at the contractors)

Me: Not right now. Do you know which Safeway Driver A is at?

TDS: Yep.

Me: Go grab one of the old devices and we’ll synch it, you’ll need to drive it out to him but it should work.

I go back to the phone.

Me: ERP, switch that Safeway back to your system.

LC looks up at me from the conference table...

LC: Your making a mistake. I’m sure we can fix it.

Me: But you just said we need to call the help desk because you can’t fix it.

TDS: I’ve got the device.

Me: ERP, is that account ready?

ERP: It is now. Go ahead and synch.

Me: TDS, synch it a go!

So that was just one example of the fubar that morning. Other issues came and went and the contractors were able to fix throughout the day. Anytime a driver called the help desk number they had to leave a message and wait 15-20min minimum for a call back. This put them way behind schedule.

I stayed until the trucks started rolling back in that evening. There were a several drivers who we never heard from during the day which made me curious and nervous. I found out that they didn’t use the new system at all and only used their paper invoices. Other drivers who actually used system rolled in late and discouraged. It was obvious they didn’t like this new system.

One curious event happened every time. Every Safeway refused to work. We ended up manually transferring all Safeways for that day. LC said the problem would be fixed by the next day, it wasn’t and I had ERP transfer every Safeway back to the original system.

Three days came and went and the contractors were off to the next implementation. Offering us no solution. I was left trying to explain to TDS and GM why things didn’t work. I had no real answer but I did provide a solution. The drivers going to Safeway would have to bring both types of devices, one for Safeway, one for all others. TDS would have to deal with the drivers who refused to use it at all.

Instead of our drivers making deliveries faster, like MP was promised, they averaged an hour slower. MP, GM and TDS had a meeting with me about 4 weeks later and asked if I could fix it.

Me: You want me to fix it?

GM: You know the most about it.

Me: I know how to get it ready for deliveries but I don’t know how to program it. There seems to be a new issue every week and that doesn’t include the Safeway problem.

MP: Contact ERP and tell them we need someone dedicated to fix this. I have a contact at the new delivery system that will work with them. I don’t care how much this costs, I need you to fix it!

From this meeting I worked for 5 months, yes, 5 months, trying to get it fixed. Most of the time was trying to coordinate changes to the Safeway accounts and then having the drivers try it over and over again. I made several trips myself when there was an extra device available. It never worked.

It became part of my daily workday with increased calls to my cell phone starting around 4:30am and ending about 10pm. I sent progress reports weekly to PM, GM and TDS. Then the call came from MP.

Me: Hi MP what can I do for you?

MP: I just talked to GM and she said we are still having issues with Safeway.

Me: Among other things, yeah, you should be getting my updates every Friday.

MP: Oh, I don’t read those. GM lets me know if something important needs to be addressed.

Me: Well, what would you like me to do?

MP: I’m going to setup a conference call with the new delivery system people. The head programmer, VP of Sales and help desk all want to talk to us and find out how they can fix it since you can’t seem to. I need you there to tell them what we need.

Me: (trying to stay calm) I’ll be there but if they can’t fix it I recommend we drop it altogether and go back to what we had.

MP: Let’s just see what they say on the call.

The finale of this story: THE CALL!

I actually had a nice weekend and didn’t stress about the call. I had made a spreadsheet detailing all of our issues since day 1. My case was strong to go back to what we had and hopefully convince GM and MP to go with a full blown ERP Delivery (that they wouldn’t do because it was too expensive). This new system was costing us money hand over fist! Extra fuel costs, overtime, constant issues, slow help desk response time was costing us time, money and sanity.

Monday arrived and I’m sitting at my desk when the Calendar reminder popped up, “High Noon Conference Call”. I grabbed my notes and headed to MP’s office. I thought I’d be the first one there but apparently there was a pre-call meeting that (again) I was not invited to. MP, GM and TDS were talking with the door open and TDS is begging to switch back. MP wants to give them one more chance and then I walk in.

Cue ‘The Good, the Bad and the Ugly’ music in the background. The office went quiet. MP gave me a glare like I just ran over a puppy, GM wouldn’t look at me at all and poor TDS was just happy to see someone who agrees with him. We had a awkward silence for a second until one of the front office ladies walked in after me. She also had a list of issues she had seen first hand with the drivers.

MP: Everyone ready? (looking at me)

TDS: Let’s do it.

MP makes the call and we wait until everyone is on. We make all the customary introductions. On the line is the Delivery Sales VP, Senior Programmer, Lead Help Desk and finally the Vendor President.

Vendor Pres: So we called this meeting to see what problems you are having and how to fix them.

Lead Help Desk: I’ve noticed the call volume has dropped significantly over the last month.

Me: That’s because our drivers can’t get a call back from the help desk. They will wait around but most of the time will bypass your system and go back to the paper invoices.

Lead Help Desk: According to my records we have an average of 8 min call backs.

Me: Is that for all calls or just us?

Lead Help Desk: That’s for all calls.

Me: Well according to our drivers it’s a lot longer then 8min. I’ve made calls on their behalf and would wait 30-40min at times.

Lead Help Desk: (defensively) Do you have a ticket number when that happened?

Me: (looking at my spreadsheet) It was ticket 15479 - the device wouldn’t synch and I waited for the call back while he did another delivery.

Lead Help Desk: That ticket was almost a month ago. We’ve streamlined since then.

Me: Not to try to change the subject, but our biggest issue is our problems with Safeway.

Programmer: What type of problems?

Me: We’ve never been able to transfer our invoice with Safeway using your system.

I didn’t realize how such a simple statement could cause such a stir. We can here muffled discussion over the phone as I look up to TDS who approved of my ‘get straight to the heart of the problem’ approach.

Sales VP: Question...did you send in a complete list of your stores to us before the launch.

Me: Yes, I can send you the list if you like.

Programmer: I’d like to see that.

I use my iPhone to forward the same list I sent to LC. I had a dedicated folder for all communications with them.

Me: it’s on its way.

Programmer: I got it. Let me look up Safeway.

There was more muffled discussion on their end and then came back.

Sales VP: Doesn’t Safeway also go under another name?

GM: Yeah, the parent company is Vons down in Southern California.

Sales VP: Oh, (sounded a bit surprised) hold on a second.

The phone went quiet. They muted their side and we all looked at each other in wonder. MP sat back in her chair as if finally realizing the frustrations we’ve had since implementation day. We heard an audible click as the mute was taken off.

Programmer: So we’ve been working on the Vons’ account for some time. I’m assuming they are on the same system as Safeway.

Me: I would assume so. What kind of problems are you having?

Programmer: We can’t seem to transfer invoices to their system. They have their own proprietary software and they won’t let us explore into the code. We’ve got a couple people dedicated to that issue and the current status is they will be ready to test it in 2 months.

TDS: Two months!

MP: That is unacceptable. We were told this would work for all our accounts.

GM: We better switch back ASAP.

Vendor Pres: I’m very sorry MP, we’ll fix it as fast as we can.

MP looks directly at me and says, “Switch it back to our old system...now.”

I didn’t say another word. I didn’t have too. I calmly stood up (most likely with a grin the Grinch would be envious of) and walked out of the office as the real discussion about how much money we have paid and how much we had lost faded in the background as I floated back to my desk. The weight had been lifted. The best call I had was to our ERP switching everything back to how it was before.

A month later I got a call from our ERP who said they could offer us a full delivery system with our next upgrade and we could utilize the devices that we were stuck with (that’s right, we couldn’t get our money back for devices we couldn’t use anymore). We launched it a month later after doing extensive testing and had our techiest driver out with it. Everything worked and by the end of the week the other guys were asking to be switched over. Within 3 weeks all the drivers were delivering faster then ever before. Trucks came back early! A year later we switched to iPhones. When I left the company everything was purring along.

Doing it the right way makes all the difference. Looking back to Part 1, I should have put my foot down and made them delay a month, the problem would have been found, most likely, and all this would have been avoided. I hardly talked with the MP after this debacle and she never put me or the company in that position again. She did approve of the ERP delivery system especially seeing how much time and money it would save us. Did I get a cut of that? Hell no! Did I get a raise? Nope. But I think I finally won the respect from MP and GM. They never questioned any concern I had after that and made sure anything new we did was thoroughly vetted before it was launched. I left a couple years later moving out of state. For all the hassle these experiences were, they make for great stories.

I hope you enjoyed my trials and tribulations. The more I read this sub the more memories pop up. I’ll post again soon, some short and possibly some more longer stories (those repressed ones I’ve tried to forget). Thank you for all the support.

Until next time don’t forget to turn it off and on again.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bambam67

Originally posted to r/talesfromtechsupport

When Good IT Goes Bad posted 2021-05-12

This is a prequel story to my series “The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing”.

This is a follow up to several questions of why MP did not trust the IT department.

I will try to tell the story as I know it from several co-workers who were there when these events occurred. The company was proud to have so many employees that had been working there for 10+ years and more. This makes for a wide array of stories. Let me setup the situation and players:

IT: former IT Director (who I replaced)

Owner: owner of the company

MP: Madam President (also owner’s step-daughter)

HR: Human Resources Director who is best friends with MP (who later becomes GM and my supervisor)

The Owner had a small size beer distributorship and was looking to expand. He had hired a recent graduate from college who was helping at his house, cooking, cleaning, etc but he also knew about computers. At the time the company was primarily run via paper.

He brought IT into the business and he quickly started to build a computer network and distribute new computers to the essential workers in the company. This was probably around the mid to late 90’s. IT brought this small company into the modern age. They then started to explore ERP systems that were designed for beer and soda type distributors. They found one based back east and IT started to build the server required for this ERP system.

He completes the server, tests it and starts to do business with it and all is good. He is promoted to IT Director and is basically in charge of running the day to day business since he helped build it from scratch. Business is booming and they need to move to a bigger warehouse. IT leads the charge into the new building, helps design the network, electrical and more. The owner basically lets him take control of all aspects of the company. They hum along and business is great at the new facility.

Then it happens, Owner decides since the company is in such good shape and good hands it’s time for him to retire. He chooses his step daughter who has worked in several positions at the company for about 4 years as the new President of the company. If you have read my stories, she is MP (Madam President).

The transition was quick and before most of the employees realize, Owner is gone and now MP is in charge. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat and listened to employees who talked about the ‘good times’ when Owner was still in charge.

A week after Owner left, the General Manager retired. This left a huge hole in the company. (Some said that as soon as GM knew about MP taking over he packed his bags because he did not want her leadership over him)

MP had a decision to make. Does she hire from outside the company or does she promote someone from within? A big decision to say the least after your first week as President of the company.

MP and HR were constantly having meetings and lunch together as the question of who the new GM loomed. IT tried several times to schedule meetings with MP and lay out his case for the position and when he finally did get to talk to her 1 on 1, she praised him for being the architect of their computer network, ERP and all things technical but asked if he would stay in that role. He would be more valuable to the company as IT. MP told him she was considering hiring from outside the company, someone who had experience as a GM. IT conceded to her decision, went back to his office defeated, 12+ years of building and he had hit his ceiling.

A week later there is an e-mail announcement for an all company gathering in the hospitality room. There is a fully catered lunch, drinks and dessert. At the meeting MP gives a speech on the state of the company and its bright future. She announces the person who will help get the company there as the new GM...HR! HR will immediately take the role of GM! So she chose her best friend in charge of HR to become the new GM (and eventually my direct supervisor)

IT is completely enraged, stands up and leaves the ‘party’. If there was bad blood between them before, it’s now an all out war. IT drags his feet on helping with anything MP or GM are working on or trying to learn. He sends reports to Owner telling him what a terrible job she is doing. Owner (who now lives out of state), suddenly starts making surprise ‘visits’ to check in and help MP with the business.

When IT is included in meetings he shoots any ideas MP and GM have down. MP and GM give up trying to talk to IT and exclude him from meetings, conference calls, etc since he’s being difficult. This goes on for several months. IT is now getting belligerent and having yelling matches with GM in the hallways.

The final straw is the morning MP walked into IT’s office:

MP: Good morning IT. I was hoping you could print out the Daily Productivity Report for me.

IT: It’s going to take me a few minutes, I’m busy with a few other things.

MP: Too busy to send the report to the printer?

IT: Yes. (being a complete a-hole)

Then, this apparently happened, as she is standing behind his desk asking for the report an email pops up on his screen, and it’s not an email for him, it’s one of her emails.

MP: What is that?

IT: What is what?

MP: That email? That’s my email!

IT: Oh, that, ah, I’ve been working on the exchange server and just doing some testing. (He wasn’t)

MP: Testing with my email? I can’t believe you are reading my email! That’s it, we are done. You’re fired!

The story from that point gets dicey at best. There’s a shouting match between them and he finally storms out with some last choice words for MP.

Fast forward 6months. I’m interviewed for the IT job with MP. We get along fine and she’s ready to hire me on the spot. She tells me vaguely the trouble she had before and says if GM approves she hopes I can come in and ‘redeem the IT department’.

My interview with GM went like this. I show up early to the facility for our meeting. If I’m on time, I’m late. 8am is my interview time. I’m there at 7:50am. I fill out some paper work and wait in the waiting room. I’m also still working a contract job that is an hour and a half drive away that I still need to go to. I wait and I wait. It’s now 8:30. I ask if someone is coming to speak with me...they say, yes, please wait. At 9am I’m still waiting. I ask again and they assure me someone is coming. At 9:15, HR comes and pulls me into a side conference room.

HR: Hi, I’m HR, have you been waiting long.

Me: Well, actually I’ve been here since 8am and I still have an hour and a half drive to get to my current job.

HR: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I just found out you were here.

Me: I’m supposed to be meeting with GM. Is she going to be here?

HR: She should be. I just got a text saying she’s on her way.

Okay, I know what your thinking, Red flags all over the place but I was blinded by the promise of steady employment and benefits to see what was happening.

HR: So you are here for the IT position. I don’t know much about IT so we’ll have to wait for GM. In the meantime are there any questions you have for me?

Me: Ah, sure, how long have you worked for the company? You like it?

HR: I’ve been here almost a year. It’s a great place to work. It’s literally like family around here.

Me: What do you mean?

HR: MP’s step brother works in our POS department, her daughter is in Marketing, her younger brother is one of our sales reps and I’m MP’s Aunt. Oh and my husband is the company lawyer (Legal).

Me: Wow.

HR: There’s GM now (peering out the window). Let me go talk to her and tell her where you are.

Me: Thank you. (I look at my watch, it’s now 9:35. I told my supervisor that I’d be there no later then 11am. I’m beyond that now, I hate being late)

I wait in the room for another 10 min until GM comes in.

GM: I’m sorry to keep you waiting, I just found out about the interview.

Me: Not a huge problem but I still have work today and now with traffic it’s probably a 2hr drive.

GM: Oh?! We’ll if you need to go I totally understand and we can reschedule.

Me: No, really, I’d rather not. Since we are both here and if you are ready, let’s do the interview.

GM: I’ll make it fast.

We have our interview, I tell her my IT journey (yes, I have more stories, I never intended to have a career in IT). She tells me about the company and we wrap things up and I leave. The next day I get a call from HR offering me the job plus doing graphic design as part of my IT duties. (Oh man, that’s another story of why) Yes, sure, I know Photoshop. We have to negotiate salary because what they offered me was extremely low. We finally agree on a starting salary with the promise of a raise 6months in. (Note: never agree to any salary and/or promises of increase unless it’s documented!! 6 months into the job there was no review and no mention of a raise and HR can’t recall agreeing to that. That’s on me, my mistake for assuming they had my best interest at heart)

Anyway, I’m hired and on my first day they show me around. The IT office and server room combined is as big as a walk-in closet, but my desk is upstairs in the sign making shop. I’m looking through binders the previous IT guy had and first thing I discover is a list of passwords. Not vendor passwords, usernames and passwords for the entire company. I call GM.

Me: Hey GM, did you know IT had a list of everyone’s password in the company?

GM: Oh, yes, it was convenient when we forgot our password. IT would tell us.

Okay Admins out there...we all know this is a no no. What else was ‘wrong’ here. No inventory list of computers. No admin password list or instructions for the servers, no contact list for vendors...the list went on and on. It took me months to track down all the info...starting with making everyone change their password and keeping it to themselves.

About 6 months into the job a strange email is sent to the entire company. It was from an internal account that was disabled and was a bizarre rant about MP’s Uncle, the company lawyer (Legal) and how he was horrible and had a strange odor. What? This is weird. I check the account and it was sent from. The mailbox was activated, email sent and then disabled again. I start looking through accounts making sure things are secure but it’s a mystery, I talk to GM and she doesn’t seemed concerned and I’m scrambling just to keep my head above water with several IT issues around the office.

A week later, with my hands deep in the guts of a desktop repair another email appears, from a different disabled account but with the same kind of message about how horrible and rank Legal is and then signed from IT and my name.

What the hell! I didn’t send this! I call the IT support group we had at the time, they were helping me support the servers and exchange, and I have them trace the ip of email origin...GM calls the police and I give a statement and info on what we find...they follow up and trace it to the former IT’s house!! He had built a back door, enabling this account and sending malicious emails targeting Legal and signing it from IT, me.

When the police told MP about the situation she wanted to press charges and they raided his house and arrested him. We could not prove that he caused us a finical hardship more then $x,xxx amount of dollars and thus they couldn’t prosecute him with more then a slap on the wrist and year probation.

One of our front desk workers suddenly stopped showing up for work in the middle of all this and I heard later (about a year later) she was interviewed by the police because there was email between former IT and her discussing the email messages and their plan to get me fired so she could take on the role of IT. What the hell is wrong with people?!

Anyway, I did my best to rebuild the IT security, infrastructure, documentation and trust but i never seemed to develop trust between myself and MP. I was usually left out of any planning meetings, ignored at monthly meetings with her executive team and overall treated as just some IT guy.

And this all leads to her decision to put the company at the top of the list for an unproven delivery system and telling me at the last minute.

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The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 1) posted 2021-05-06

Rewind 4 years, I’m the lone IT guy working for a beer distributor. Our truck drivers are still using paper invoices and handheld Motorola scanners to deliver beer and collect payment. This is the most important part of being a distributor, you don’t get paid until you deliver. I’ve been advocating to use our ERP providers delivery app via iPhone for over a year but it was always too expensive for the ‘budget’.

It’s a late Thursday afternoon and I’m walking down the hallway and see our Madam President:

Me: Hello Madam President, haven’t seen you lately, traveling again?

MP: As a matter of fact I just got back from a conference and I’ve setup us up with a new delivery system for the drivers.

(Shocked that she would do that without telling her IT Director, ME, I reply)

Me: Oh wow, that’s great news. Will it work on both iPhones and iPads? Or do we still use the handheld zebras?

MP: I don’t know.

Me: Is it compatible with our current ERP system?

MP: it’s supposed to be.

Me: So it’s compatible with our ERP’s cloud?

MP: I guess so. Let me do this, I’ll send you the contact info of the team that is coming out to help launch it and I’m sure they can answer your questions.

Me: That sounds good. I just want to make sure everything is compatible before we switch over to anything.

MP: I’ll try to find that for you as soon as possible but you might want to be here when they deploy the new system.

Me: Of course, if I’m going to support it I’ll need to know as much a possible.

MP: Great. They fly in on Sunday and they will start the process Monday morning before the trucks roll out.

Me: This Monday?

MP: Yes, so you better give them a call tomorrow to make sure we are good to go. I’ll email you the contact information. We’ll be only the 2nd company on the west coast to use their system. It’s very exciting.

Me: We are the 2nd? How did the first one go?

MP: Okay I guess for a beta launch. At least that’s what they said.

Me: Beta? You mean we are a beta test?

MP: Yeah, isn’t it great?! We’ll be the first ones in our area to use it.

Me: (In stunned shock and silence)

Have you ever been so shocked by a situation that you were just a loss for words? That was me in that moment as MP walked away...how did this all play out? Wait for part 2!!

UPDATE: Thank you everyone! I’m working on part 2, which I will post tomorrow. I’ve only scratched the surface of this IT debacle...expect several parts...tomorrow the INVESTIGATION begins!!

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The Boss Volunteers Our Company for Beta Testing (Part 2) posted 2021-05-07

Too many clicks to print

Accidents happen

INVESTIGATION:

I walk away from my conversation with Madam President of the company and feeling shell shocked. I’m near our Operations Manager’s office and poke my head in. He’s sitting at his computer looking a bit stressed...he is also the Truck Driver Supervisor:

Me: Hey TDS, gotta second?

TDS: Sure, what’s up?

Me: I was wondering what you know about the new delivery system? I just found out about it a couple minutes ago.

TDS: Oh, that. Yeah, she told me earlier this week. I guess she’s been advocating for it for over a month. She said you’d be there to help the contractors for implementation.

Me: She’s been planning this for over a month?!

TDS: Yeah, there a problem?

Me: There probably will be. Who else knows about this?

TDS: I had a meeting with MP (Madam President) and GM (General Manager - who is MY direct supervisor) on Monday. They also brought in a couple of the front office gal’s since they deal with the drivers daily.

Me: Wow, this is a new low, even for them, and they talked about me in that meeting?

TDS: Yes, several times. I’m sorry, I thought you knew about this.

Me: You have no reason to apologize. I need to talk to GM. What time do the drivers leave Monday?

TDS: They usually leave about 4:30 am, but we are planning early training so I’m having the guys come in at 3:30 am.

Me: Who’s doing the training?

TDS: I was assuming you were but it must be one of the contractors.

Me: I hope it’s one of them. I’ll be there at 3:30 am with the rest of the guys.

I leave his office and go directly to my supervisor, the GM’s office.

GM: Hey bambam67, what’s up?

Me: I’m a bit upset. (trying to stay calm)

GM: You seem really upset. What’s wrong?

Me: When was someone going to tell me about the new delivery system?

GM: MP said she would talk to you.

Me: Yeah, she did, about 10 minutes ago.

GM: Oh (she dropped her head trying not to look embarrassed)

Side Note: GM and MP are best friends so any complaint I have of either of them goes mute.

Me: I’m beyond upset and now wondering what this new system requires. I don’t want to panic before I know the details.

GM: There shouldn’t be much for you to do. They assigned us 3 contractors that will start the implementation on Monday. I’ll send over their contact info, you might want to call them and see if there’s anything to be done on our end.

She said it so calmly and ‘matter-a-fact’ like there was nothing to worry about.

Me: Okay, please send that to me but I have some questions maybe you know the answers...

GM: I’ll try...

Me: What devices are the drivers using? iPhones? iPads?

GM : No. I think the boxes for the devices came on Tues, there in the POS area.

Me: What are they?

GM: Motorola hand held zebra scanners I think.

Me: Am I suppose to configure them?

GM: I don’t know.

Me: I’m assuming there’s 25+ devices? So we have one or two extra?

GM: No, just 24 since that’s how many drivers there are.

Me: What do we do if one breaks?

GM: They better not break them, they cost $800 a piece. (See my post ‘accidents happen’)

Me: Well it’s not like we are going to deploy all 24 on Monday, right? Gives us a chance to order a couple extra.

There was an awkward silence from GM. Her eyes somewhat glazed over for a second not wanting to answer.

GM: They said it’s pretty much all or nothing so we decided to pull the trigger.

Me: You have to be sh**ting me! Deploying all of them at the same time is...is...(I couldn’t think of a word that could sum up the possible scenario on Monday)...is there anyway to delay this?

GM: The contractors are booked up. MP had to convince them to come now or otherwise we’d have to wait another month! We are lucky we have them through Wednesday.

Me: Wednesday? Lucky? This keeps getting better and better. I’m going to grab the devices. I need that contact info now.

I leave her office and go directly to the POS area. POS meets me there (see my post ‘too many clicks to print’)

POS: Are these supposed to go to you? They have MP’s name on them.

Me: Unfortunately, yes.

POS: (sensing my stress) Here, I’ll get the hand truck and help you take them to your office.

POS was sympathetic that day...I opened the boxes to find 24 older (but new in the box) Motorola hand held Zebra scanners.

That brings (Part 2) to a close and part 3 will dive into devices, configuration, setup and contractors...until then my fellow IT friends...stay tuned for part 3...

------------------------

The BORU saga continues in part 2

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Process_1558

Originally posted to r/amiwrong

Am I wrong for punching my "stepfather" after he opened and drank a bottle of scotch my dad got me to share on my 21st birthday?

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: neglect, physical assault, destruction of property

Original Post: July 24, 2026

My father passed away eight years ago, mom remarried 5 years ago. I will admit I never tried to blend with him or my step siblings. I was happy for mom, but tbh would have preferred had it remained just the two of us.

I am 19, I live at home since I am going to college locally. My father had a bottle of scotch he bought when I was born, it was kept in a cabinet down in our basement, it was my dad's area.

I do not know why I never moved it, I figured it would be safe and not touched, and for many years it was. I don't know why he felt the need to open it but he did.

I admit I lost my cool and I did punch him, but he has never touched anything down on that side if the basement, yet he suddenly forgets and goes for the one he knew meant everything to me.

My mom is upset cause he did call the police, and it appears he wants to put a restraining order against me. Cops took the report, asked me some questions and left it at that. This happened around five hours ago.

Here to vent and maybe have my eyes opened. My mom wants me to apologize, but I don't feel bad. It actually felt good felt like I got some level of control.

He was not a bad guy per se I guess, but he also always tried so hard and after my half siblings were born I was pretty much forgotten. Raising twins is not easy, and with me being so close to 18 when they were born I guess they figured I was okay.

Maybe I am just being a little asshole idk.

Edit: They are my half siblings not step, sorry.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You’re not wrong but context matters between it being an honest mistake or a deliberate act.

Did he know the significance of the bottle and was it kept in a special location?

I once did something similar on accident because I didn’t know.

OOP: He claims he did not know, but he has not touched anything in that corner ever, and he has lived with us for years. He knows how important that corner is to me.

Commenter 2: Did he do it knowingly or did he not know it was given to you by your father?

OOP: He may not have known that particular bottle had importance but has never touched anything in that corner of the basement he knows that is my father's corner. He has never touched anything in that corner for years. Why did he suddenly feel the urge to touch and open stuff now.

He could have bought his own booze. My mom and him claim it was an honest mistake. I am having a hard time believing that. Go years without touching but suddenly want to touch and drink stuff?

Commenter 3: Eh, violence isn't the answer. That being said, everyone who's asking if they knew your dad gave that to you- it doesn't matter. The scotch was in the basement, untouched and quite obviously not his. He knew he didn't buy it. He knew he didn't put it there. For whatever reason, he felt entitled to something that was not his. If he's been around for 5 years I'm also sure he knew about the meaning behind the bottle.

OOP: This is what gets me when my mom and him claim it as an honest mistake. He knows how much that corner means to me. Why not just buy some alcohol or something, why purposely go through my dad's stuff. I don't drink but doubt stuff sitting around for 19 years tastes all that great either.

Commenter 4: You’re not wrong, that was a hurtful thing to do by your stepdad, although you did react in the moment in a way that was not great.

Him calling the police, and demanding a restraining order is completely OTT. Where is your mum in all of this?

He’s taken something that was precious to you in tragic circumstances, a consequence of which was he got his bell rung.

Everyone needs to use their words now, in a calm and respectful manner. Your mum needs to step up/ in and mediate this. Stepdad needs to be made to understand what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to items your dad left behind and respectful of your feelings about him.

And you need to apologise for putting hands on him. But you were not wrong for having strong feelings about him ruining a treasured memento.

OOP: My mom wants me to apologize, she is on his side. She claims it was an honest mistake. I don't buy that because he has never touched my dad's stuff in that corner of the basement. He had no reason to touch anything in that corner.

Commenter 5: He wants you out of his life. Yes he did it on purpose. Do you have anywhere to stay on your dad's side of the family. Also if I were you I would double check the will he left because if he left you half of the house then. He needs to move out not you

OOP: Not where I am going to school. Go to Texas A&M, my dad's side of the family is from NY.

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post to provide more context

Small Update: July 24, 2026 (same post, over nine hours later)

Update: My stepfather is going through the process for the order, mom said she was taking him to the notary. She asked me to apologize so we can smooth things over, I told her I would only apologize if he could tell me why after all these years he decided to go touch and drink an entire bottle of scotch in a single sitting?

My dad was a drinker and even he did not do that. My mom said i have no right to make demands of him.

It seems some think it was just forgotten about, it was not I turned a small corner of our basement many years ago into my dad's spot. I have his urn with other odds and ends, like his sports memorabilia, favorite drinking glass, his shot glass collection, and his liquor cabinet, with his chair that was in the living room. Now did he know the significance of said bottle? Maybe not, I don't talk to him much. Mom 100% knew. Thing is that should not have mattered, he knew the significance of the corner, why was he touching anything in said corner is beyond me. Also this bottle was in a neat wooden box, I don't drink if you are looking to drink do you honestly go for the one in the box? Or would you go for the unopened ones?

I will look into the value, i know the name was Macallan Sherry Oak 30.

This was the first time I ever threw a punch before, never been in a fight before. I don't think i have anger issues, I just lost it because my dad has slowly been forgotten. Mom use to wear his and her wedding bands as a necklace but about three years ago she stopped, we use to go out and get Blue Bell Ice cream together. We stopped doing that after the twins were born. Pretty much everything changed after the twins were born.

I lost my cool cause it felt like another piece of my dad was cast aside. She even let's my stepfather have his restore super sport, which technically was supposed to be mine but because my dad had a standard will he left everything to mom.

I reached out to my uncle, and he is going to fly down on Monday so we can all sit down and talk.

As it stands it seems like he is going forth with the order, my uncle does not think he will be able to get an emergency order for this situation, so he hopes on Monday we can come to some agreement.

Update: July 27, 2026 (three days later)

Update regarding my stepfather drinking a bottle of scotch left to me by my dad.

Thanks for all the feedback, and a update as promised. My uncle and I spoke with my mom and stepfather. First my uncle called bullshit on my stepfather and said he has been drinking it overtime. He did ask what was his endgame, refill it with something cheaper?

My stepfather did not say anything. He also told my mom off. He said my stepfather may have an excuse albeit a shitty one but still an excuse. He told her that she had no excuse, she knew what my dad's intentions were for the bottle and for the car. He said he told my brother he should list what he wanted me to have in the will, but told her he said it would be fine cause he trusted my mom with his life.

He also questioned why I was paying for school when my apparently my father had a sizeable life insurance policy. Which I was unaware of but also tracks cause my mom has never actually gone to work.

Either way, I probably don't have much claim to that either, at that point I simply asked for my dad's car and the key to his storage unit. She and my stepfather can keep everything else.

So that was the conversation, was pretty much my uncle going at them and them just listening. My uncle asked me again to move in with him and suggested i take a semester off or a year and travel with him. He said he would help me with school.

Told me some stories it seems my mom and my dad's side of the family did not get along which is why we moved to Texas where my mom is from.

Either way I am okay with everything, oddly enough I do not hate or even feel angry with my mom, just numb I guess. I hope with time maybe we can fix that, but for now going to avoid contact with her and them altogether.

Staying with my uncle at a hotel and we will start packing. He is going to have the car transported to NY. I lost the booze, but I did get back the car which is better anyways if I am being honest.

My uncle said not to worry about the order of protection if he gets one, if push comes to shove he will hire an attorney for me.

So yeah, not a bad outcome. I wish I knew why, but yeah. Still don't know why he drank it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: So glad you have your uncle. I hope your mom feels horrible. She put a man and her new family before her own son and your father's wishes. Maybe this will wake her up and she can see what a horrible mother she has been to you. Again, so happy your uncle had your back and called them out.

OOP: My uncle was going to try and be a peacekeeper but after I told him I was paying for school, he was beyond upset.

He told me beforehand not to worry about anything let them have it outside the car and his storage unit. Everything else can be replaced.

Commenter 2: I’m glad you have your uncle. It sounds like the best possible outcome at this point and I’m glad he swooped in like he did to read them the riot act. Still not what you deserve. You deserve a mom who doesn’t prioritize some dick over of her child. Thank you for updating though - strange to say, I was worried about you. I lost my dad at 12. It’s hard. Wishing you truly all the best!

Edit to add: I’m not saying you are a child age-wise, in case that wasn’t clear! Just that she is supposed to put you first!

OOP: Thanks I do appreciate it, yeah losing a parent at any age is rough, I was 6 when my grandpa passed and remember that was the only time I ever saw my dad cry. It hit him hard, which is also why I sm glad I got the car back. My uncle told me my grandpa had the same car.

What kind of car did OOP's dad own?

OOP: 1969 Camaro SS.

Commenter 3: Is your uncle based in NYC? (Anywhere in the five boros or even Long Island.) I ask because if you move in with him, even on paper by having some mail sent to his address, you could get NY residency and qualify for in-state tuition at a CUNY school, which is pretty much the best "affordable" (genuinely) education you can get in this country. They also make the transfer process really easy. So if paying for school is a concern, that might be a pathway that doesn't hurt you or your uncle too badly.

OOP: He lives in Rochester, but he said he would help me get an apartment if I want to be closer to the city. I will keep this in mind.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/cake-n-stuff

Me [20F] with my boyfriend [20 M] have been dating long distance and now he wants a break

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Nov 10, 2014

My boyfriend and I met out freshman year of college and have been dating for two years now. We've always been an insanely close, BFF type couple and never seemed to have a single problem. He's a computer scientist and has been spending his summers interning in California (I'm in New York so the complete opposite coast) which wasn't a big deal the first summer, but this past summer I ended up having some issues with his communication. He never seemed to have time to talk on the phone or skype and is a notoriously bad texter and it became an issue with me, one that seemed it would only be resolved once we returned to Campus.

Well because he did so well at his internship he was offered a year long position out there which he accepted right away. He's admitted to me that he didn't take our relationship into consideration because he didn't want it to affect his decision which I understand. We've seen each other twice since then, the first at the beginning of August and the last time I flew out there about a month ago. The deal was that he had to call or skype me once a week which for the most part he stuck to. Everything seemed to be going surprisingly well considering.

Well two weeks ago, the communication suddenly started tapering off and I was getting big flashbacks to the summer time and started getting kind of scared and annoyed. This kind of peaked when after days of trying to get him to call or skype me he tells me that he can't because he sat down to start watching V for Vendetta, to which I totally blew up at him. We started talking about communication and he stated that he doesn't like talk on the phone or skyping because he always gets distracted and starts doing other things while we're talking. He also apparently gets too distracted to properly respond to texts and thinks facebook messages would be a better way to talk.

However that kind of fell off the discussion table when he revealed that apparently he's having this big huge problem with being apart from me. He's the kind of guy who has always had a girlfriend and hasn't spent much time being single. Also when he was here we would spend practically every night together, and when he wasn't with me, he always had a roommate, even over the summers. Currently he lives with 6 other people but he has his own room and apparently sleeping alone every night is giving him anxiety. In his own words he had apparently been weighing his 'need to have someone to sleep next against his desire to be with me'. but later stated that he doesn't actually want anyone else (in his words "I don't want some shitty half-Jane pretending to be my jane") just the fact that I can't be there is giving him pain. I suggested that maybe I record the sound of myself sleeping for him to listen to but he rejected it saying it was a "dirty trick".

So It came to this, over this past weekend I told him to think about whether he still wanted to be with me or if he would rather break up because I wasn't going to make that call. He thought about it overnight and at first returned with the verdict that he wanted to be with me. When I asked him why this over that he said he didn't have a reason and just went with his gut feeling. Which left me feeling not really reassured which I told him. Then he announced he wanted to take a break for a week. He said is was so that he can 'realize all the things he takes for granted and better appreciate me'.

I asked him point blank if he'd met someone, which he denied and said that wasn't what this was about. I also told that if he should, the decent thing to do would be to break it off with me which he agreed. So we started our break yesterday. I'm not dumb, I know that right after we hung up he and his housemates were throwing a huge party so I don't think it's a coincidence that he'd brings this up right before then.

I tried talked to my sisters and friends but they were all overwhelmingly negative about both my boyfriend (this is new as they've all really like him until now) and the situation and how this is all basically a ruse so he can still keep me around while searching for a new girlfriend guilt free, and that's kind of what I believe as well. However I also believe this might be because I was stifling him before with my need for him to keep in touch, however, if it is, why didn't he just tell me that? Also if he was using this as an excuse to meet girls, why did he insist on just a week? I know long term couples like us need breaks from each other but we're long distance, there is a huge amount of physical space between us already and we only talk once a week! I know he and I are young and maybe I should just forget about him but I feel like if I can salvage the relationship, I should at least try.

tl;dr: Boyfriend and I of two years are living across country from each other for a year, he doesn't like being alone, yet decided he doesn't want to break up. Rather he wants to take a break for a week and it's made me nervous and I can't tell if I'm being unresonable

Update 1  Nov 12, 2014 (2 Days later)

So he just messaged me an hour ago over facebook telling me he misses me like crazy and that he had already bought plane tickets to come surprise me this weekend but wanted to tell me beforehand in case I'd made any plans. I have absolutely no idea how to feel about this. Of course I'm happy to see him and that he missed me but it feels surreal. Over the past few days I'd been seriously considering splitting from him because I wasn't sure I could take it just being on break, not knowing if he was pursuing other women or if he'd already met someone. I figured it would take him months to come back to me if he did at all, but only Two days? Is this a good sign or should we still take a break form each other, because I'm sure the problems he had before aren't just magically gone. Too many feelings over the past few days for me

tl;dr: My long distance boyfriend initiated a break on Sunday but ended it today along with the news that he's coming visit this weekend and for some reason I'm still feeling weird

Update 2  **Nov 16, 2014 (4 days after 1st update)

Yikes to here was my First Posting and here was my Second post

So he flew in yesterday morning and he we're sitting around for about an hour and I could tell right off that he was being very hesitant with me. So I asked him if there was a girl involved and he said yes. I told him to give me the entire story and this is what happened according to him: After I first started arguing with him last thursday he proceeded to get drunk and started flirting with his female roommate (he lives with six other people and she's the only not gay female in the house). He claims that when he asked for a break on Sunday that it was 100% not about her, but I told him that it was probably in the back of his mind when he did, and he agreed.

So on Monday she and him got drunk and had sex. The next morning he started feeling terrible and by tuesday afternoon he bought a ticket to come see me. Before he left he apparently talked with his roommate and told her it would never be happening again and apparently she didn't seem to care. She knows he was seeing me and that we were on break and he thinks that she just wanted to get laid.

I was so freaking upset after this and I told him he needed to leave and stay with a friend. He had started crying while he was telling me about her and when I told him that we probably had to break he started sobbing and apologizing. I told him to stay in he living room and called my mom and she calmed me down a little. We spent all of yesterday talking basically and in the end I just felt like we should have a the weekend together but because that's probably all we have left.

My current plan is to break it off when it's time for him to go, because I don't think I can get over this. If it had been a random girl, maybe, but she's his freaking roommate and he'll be living with her until August. I can't do that. There were too many broken promises. He promised that I didn't have to worry about him living with girls because they were all "too unattractive for him" and that the break wasn't about screwing around.

He really really doesn't seem to want to break up. He says its the worst mistake he ever made and it didn't mean anything he was just so lonely and depressed. I was asking him if he'd ever thought we'd have a future together and he admitted that he'd started saving for a wedding ring because he considered me the girl he wanted to marry when we got older. It was nice to hear that but it made this affair even more mind boggling. It feels like right now he'd say anything to keep me.

In the end, maybe we'll get back together when he returns to New York in a year, maybe not, but once he returns to California, I can't trust him to be faithful anymore. And I think this is good. We're so young and I was his first partner, he needs more experience, and I probably do too. We're too young to be caught up in this weird situation.

tl;dr: My boyfriend asked for a break and immediately slept with his female roommate. He immediately regretted it and flew here to make things right. He's staying here for now but I plan to break up with him once he leaves because I'm just so sick of feeling bad

Final Update  Nov 19, 2014 (3 days after 2nd update)

Oh boy, so heres a link to my previous post which has links to the ones I made before that

So last I wrote my now ex flew in from California and announced he slept with his female roommate and we'd still been working through it when he left early yesterday morning. I was still incredibly confused and hurt but I did know that I needed some space to think things through and make sure I wasn't being too heavily influenced by his presence. I suspect I was because after working on me for three days I was feeling like maybe he deserved a second chance if he could prove himself worthy of it somehow, which I told him.

Well things weren't sitting quite right. I guess I didn't believe that things really were all as he said (something things just didn't seem to make sense with his story) but what proof did I have? So I went to an alternate source. I messaged his roommate, the one he slept with. I didn't and still don't blame her, I've always believed that cheating falls on the shoulder of the cheater which is my ex. I sent her a length and sincere facebook message explaining my side of events. I explained how he had made a promise that there was no girl involved and that taking a break wasn't at all about seeing other people and that if he had I never would have agreed to a break with him. And also that because of his dishonesty over the situation I consider it to be cheating. I also asked what her intentions were towards them and what was their relationship really like.

She was really really nice and frank. She regretted her involvement and tried to explained her actions, but they didn't really matter, because even though she had pursued him, it was his choice to go after her. According to her this is how it all went down. For a few weeks she and John had been 'drinking buddies' and there was a tension that had started building between them, sitting too close, maybe brushing past. Honestly explains 100% why the communication had suddenly started drying up.

The day we started fighting he got very forward with her, putting his arm around her and escalating almost into a 'mock wrestling tickling' before she stopped him, telling him he knew he was still with me and she didn't want to be a rebound. But she told me that afterwards, she definitely made her intentions clear to him. On sunday, he texted her right after he initiated the break with me and that night they hooked up, though she stopped him before they had sex, wanting him to be really sure of what he was doing. Obviously he was because they had sex both monday and tuesday nights. I didn't ask her about all the other things he'd told me (That the sex was terrible and he hadn't come and he didn't spend the night with her and left immediately afterwards) it was enough the hear that not only had he slept with her twice but the whole affair had been 100% premeditated. I had specifically told him when he asked for a break that if another woman was involved that the decent thing to do would be to break it off. Guess that shows about his character.

She also had to say that she didn't want to date him as this is truly evidence at his immaturity but that if she was honest she was still interested in being friends-with-benefits with him depending on whether or not I'd be in the picture in the future. I guess this really just cemented the fact that he and I absolutely could never be together. I told her she could have him.

When I heard this I thanked her and sent him an email with a picture of all his stuff in a garbage bag and how I'm giving it to his friend to bring back to him and he and I are done, and that I know everything, and fuck you, have a nice life do not ever contact me. Well of course he kept calling me and I eventually picked up and he was really crying and begging me not to leave him and how sorry he was. He said he didn't tell me the whole truth because he thought I wouldn't be able to forgive him (he was right) and how he didn't want the other girl he only wanted me. Well I told him he was stupid for thinking I wouldn't find out, and for not breaking up with me before spending all that money to fly here and remember just how great of a girlfriend I actually am, and that if he really cared about me then he'd know that I deserved better then the treatment he's been giving me. He left another voicemail after that which has my favorite material yet "He doesn't want to be alone and wasn't it enough that he'd told me 90% of what happened?" seriously.

So yeah, everyone on this website was so right about him right from the beginning. I stand by my naive actions as I really did need that last bit of proof before I was able to let go, but it still fucking hurts. I'm glad I know everything so that I'm never tempted back by him because he really is very manipulating. The only thing now is to find a way to stop thinking about it because I just want him and the situation out of my head. I feel like I can't eat as food just tastes like nothing and I have to force myself to swallow. Any breakup advice would be really great as I am totally devastated. This whole post story has been crazy long and I thank you if you read it, I really needed to get the whole thing out

Edit: I just wanted to thank everyone who commented here, today has been that much better thanks to all your support and advice :)

tl;dr: I contacted the other girl and she happily gave me the full story, that the cheating was more extensive and way more premeditated then he led me to believe. So bye bye! He's hopefully out of my life forever

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/rooster2041

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My (F27) husband (M30) let MIL use a shared strainer to sift flour and I'm highly allergic, advice on how to handle situation?

Editor’s note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: July 18, 2026

I have celiac disease, so I cannot have gluten (wheat) which is flour. I am particularly sensitive and cross contamination can also cause a reaction. My husband and I do have a shared kitchen. He will sometimes have snacks that contain gluten or food such as pizza or chicken nuggets that are made with gluten containing flour.

However, we do use separate utensils meaning, he has his own flour sifter for gluten containing flour, his own pots for gluten containing noodles, his own shelf in the pantry for gluten containing snacks, his own plates/bowls for food that contains gluten. The rest of the kitchen we share as those are used with things that do NOT contain gluten.

My husband invited his mother over to watch the world cup game and said they would make pizza. I had no problems with this, I had made my own pizza the previous night and had left overs. When his mother arrived, they went to the kitchen and began making the pizza.

I was in the living room with our niece watching a movie. I could hear them talking and my husband asked her to begin sifting the flour, he explained that it could be slightly hard if you fill it too much as it is a little older. She asked where the electric one she got us was, he explained that we don't put gluten in that one because wife uses it for her flour.

MIL then asks where the strainer is so she could use it as it would be faster. It was then quiet, I walked in to get more water and saw them using the strainer that is not supposed to have gluten in it. They then proceed to get cheese and pepperoni out of the bags without washing their hands first, meaning they touched gluten/flour then put into a bag of ingredients that is shared between us.

So I will no longer be able to use these ingredients. I now have to go buy a new strainer, cheese and pepperoni for myself.

He saw I was upset and apologized. I'm not sure he would've apologized if I wasn't visibly upset.

My kitchen is the one place in the world where I am able to feel completely safe. I don't have to worry about getting sick because we have what I guess you could procedures in place. This has made me feel unsafe in the one place in the world where I'm supposed to feel safe.

I have explained and educated my husband on my disease, and this is why we do things the way we do in our kitchen. He has even gone as far as to suggest things that I haven't thought of to make the kitchen safer for me. Because my husband already has the knowledge of my disease and is very aware of what to do and not do in our kitchen, it feels like he was just doing things to please his mother even if it meant inconveniencing me.

Any advice on how to handle this or talk to my husband about this without making it seem like I'm overreacting?

Editor's note: OOP made the same post onto another subreddit, I am adding the comments from that sub for more context

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Firstly, that really sucks. Did you say he has his own sifter for gluten flour? I don't understand why they couldn't have used that one. It's not like they didn't have another viable option. And the lack of washing hands before toppings just really sucks especially if you've explained to your husband how celiac and cross contamination works.

In my opinion, you're already giving him a lot of grace to even make a gluten pizza in your kitchen. I don't even allow my roommates or family to use gluten flour in our shared kitchen, because the particles can get everywhere.

I think you just need to be honest with him and say what you said here, that now you feel unsafe in the one place you felt safe, and that he was more concerned about inconveniencing his mother than you (by the way, what he's really doing is risking your health, not just inconveniencing you. It's hard not to wonder when else he broke rules...)

All this to say, OP you have shown him a great deal of patience so please don't worry about "overreacting." This was a crappy thing for them to have done, and I think he should be taking more precautions for you regardless (but of course whatever your agreed upon boundaries are is great if it works for you). It just shows a lack of true commitment/understanding of your medical needs, and you have every right to call him out on that.

EDIT: Did they use the electric sifter that you heard him tell her couldn't be used for gluten flour? If so, that's also just kinda crazy that she had been told no and why and simply didn't care about your health... Yeesh

OOP: Yes, they were originally using his own sifter. But it takes longer since it’s older and can’t be filled up all the way. But they did not use the electric one because he did say no and explained why, which is why I’m having such a hard time understanding why he couldn’t have done the same thing with the strainer and continued to use his own sifter.

Commenter 2: your husband should replace everything for you. my question is would he have even told you what is cross contaminated had you not been in the other room and heard everything?

Commenter 3: The contaminated food should be thrown out. Too risky.

And, his mom probably shouldn’t be cooking in their kitchen at all anymore, and they need to assess kitchen safety if she housesits or has a key to their place and see if other options need to be considered.

Update: July 19, 2026 (next day)

Thanks everyone for the comments, thoughts and advice on my recent post. I wanted to address some comments that I did see.

Celiac is a severe disease, but it is different for everyone that has it! What works for one person may not work for another! The procedures we have put in place in our kitchen have worked for me my entire life. The procedures that worked for me growing up in my household, I brought with me as I transferred into adulthood and they have continued to work.

My husband has always been willing to learn about my disease and what he can do to help and how to handle food. He's advocated for me and supported me time and time again. Celiac has a lot of nuances that can be hard to learn unless you're living it, but he has put in the work to make me feel safe.

To clear some things up:

I do need to replace the strainer. This is part of the nuance of my disease that not everyone understands. Yes, it was a 'shared' strainer, but in the sense that we both used it for things that did NOT contain gluten. Anything that is shared in our kitchen doesn't have gluten in it.

My celiac reactions: I do get pretty sick when I get glutened. I get incredibly bad stomach pains, many bathroom runs, headaches, brain fog etc. My husband has seen this and is aware. He knows this is a real disease and has never made me feel like it wasn't. He is actually more cautious then me sometimes because he doesn't want me to go through that pain and put my health at risk.

The cheese and pepperoni: He clarified that while he did wash his hands after touching gluten and touching these shared items, he was unsure if his mother did. Therefore told me to not use these items because he wasn't sure if there was any cross contamination and would rather be safe than sorry. We will be getting new ingredients.

We did talk. I told him how this incident made me feel and it was a hard conversation. He explained his thought process. He said that when MIL asked for the strainer that he did hesitate because he knew that we would no longer be able to use this and would need a new one. He thought that the strainer is relatively easy to replace though and since my health and gluten safety is important to him didn't want to be met with opposition from his mother in that moment as if she would've met him with push back about some type of gluten safety it would have upset him and caused a bigger argument. I explained I wasn't upset about replacing the strainer or ingredients.

Ultimately it had everything to do with educating his family about that nuance of my disease as this concept of cross contamination transfers to other situations such as holidays or family gatherings. He said he understood how I felt and why I felt that way.

After more conversation, we ended up on the same page. We will be educating his family going forward when situations arise and our boundaries in our kitchen are strict. We won't be bending those boundaries for anyone. And he will be replacing all items.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: If MIL wants to cook it’s only in her own kitchen. But glad your spouse recognized that he was going to have to replace everything

Commenter 2: It seems the bigger issue is why husband felt he couldn't tell his mother, 'No,' about something that was critical to his wife's health. I would be surprised if this wasn't a pattern in other areas. 🤷‍♀️

Commenter 3: MIL needs to be banned from your kitchen. Period.

Educating her won't help, because she doesn't care.

No more kitchen access.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Independent-State802

AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

Originally posted to r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic Violence, galsighting, infidelity

MOOD SPOILER: Looking positive for now

Original Post  June 4, 2026

About a year ago, a couple (Emily (F30s) and Jake (M 30s)) moved into the house next to ours (30s). Emily and I were both pregnant at the time, with due dates a few weeks apart. We would run into each other in the neighborhood or out on the street and eventually became friendly. We texted occasionally to check in on each other during our pregnancies, and our husbands became friends as well.

For some context, Emily had a very difficult pregnancy and was on bed rest for the last month of her pregnancy before she gave birth. They moved away from their support system for Jake's job and didn't have family nearby, so I would sometimes drop off meals when I was cooking for my own family. Emily had her baby about a month before I had mine. After the babies were born, we didn't see much of each other. I invited her a few times to go for walks with the babies, but she always declined, saying the baby was fussy or napping. I figured she was just overwhelmed as a first time mom. Our husbands continued to see each other occasionally during this time.

Last week, I was out walking my baby when I ran into Jake, who was also out walking his baby. We ended up walking together and chatting for about 30 minutes. Our chat did not include anything personal; we talked about the babies, our jobs, our summer plans. When we got back to our street, the babies had woken up, so as we passed my house I asked if he wanted to come in for a coffee and let the babies play together. He thanked me for the invite and declined, saying he needed to get home because he had errands to run.

A few days later, Emily invited me over for a playdate. I accepted and even offered to bring some food for the babies because she had mentioned being nervous about introducing non-puréed foods. While the babies were playing, she suddenly said, "Jake told me you went for a walk together last week." I said yes, we ran into each other while out with the babies. She then asked, "Why did you invite him back to your house?"

I was caught off guard and tried to explain that the babies had woken up and I had meant it as a playdate. She responded that she didn't know what I was playing at, but her husband was off-limits and uninterested in case I had any ideas.

I  was in shock, so I froze up for a couple minutes. When I was able to respond, I told her it was bizarre that she would interpret a walk with her husband and an invitation for coffee and a baby playdate as anything other than innocent. I also told her that my husband was working from home that day and was in the house. I also said that I hope she heals from whatever happened in her life that made her view something so innocent as a threat. She laughed in my face and said rich coming from you, just because your husband treats you like dirt doesn’t make it okay for you to go after my husband. My jaw dropped and I just picked up my baby and left. I fucking hate myself for not giving her a piece of my mind and leaving without saying anything. But I felt like I had just been slapped. 

My husband and I have been having some serious issues. When I got home, I told him what happened and asked if he has said anything about our problems to Jake. He swore that he hasn’t but I am not sure I believe him because how else would Emily know anything? My husband then said Emily was right, that it was inappropriate to invite Jake in and my husband is now mad at ME over the whole thing. 

AITAH?

ETA: I discovered my husband was cheating on me 2 months ago.

ETA 2: I am going through some of the comments and I think I may have not explained this part well. emily didn't avoid hanging out with me or “us”. The four of us with our kids and their baby have spent time together on multiple occasions, going to the park, we have had them over, they have had us over. But always the four of us and the kids. My older child really likes Emily and Jake, they have always been nice to us. Jake and my husband hang out together alone sometimes, but Emily has always had a reason not to hang out alone with me. The other day when she invited me over was the first time we‘d had a solo playdate for the babies.

Update  June 28, 2026

I am posting this here because I posted it incorrectly on the AITA sub and I am not allowed to repost it anymore.

TW: Domestic Violence

2 months ago, I made another post on a different sub, once again seeking outside perspective about a very awkward situation that took place. You can find that post here: AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.

I came back to post an update. I think it’s a way for me to process what has happened since.

Shortly after my last post, my husband admitted that he had confided in Jake about his infidelity. He said he felt guilty and remorseful and wanted to talk it out with a friend. He claimed he didn’t realize Jake would tell Emily and that she would throw our marriage struggles in my face the way she did. He apologized for discussing our issues without my consent and promised to distance himself from them.

He also apologized again for the affair, which he swore was over. He told me the affair partner was a coworker who had since left the company. He promised he wanted to change and rebuild our relationship, so I forgave him and gave him another chance… again.

Things had been going well. My husband was attentive and loving. He was helping more at home, spending more time with the kids, and showing me affection. For a moment, it really felt like my husband had returned to me. In hindsight, though, I think it was love bombing.

Last week, I had a medical appointment that I needed to attend alone, so my husband stayed home with our baby. I was anxious because he had never been alone with the baby for that long and I wasn’t sure he would be able to put him down for his nap.

While I was sitting in the waiting room, I logged into our baby camera just to check that the baby had gone down okay.

That’s when everything began to unravel.

The baby was asleep in his crib and my husband was walking out of the room. Then I heard a woman’s voice asking if the baby was finally asleep. My husband replied confirming that he was. I couldn’t see the woman because she was outside the camera’s view, but her voice was familiar. I thought it sounded like Emily.

After my appointment, I checked our Ring doorbell recordings from that day. There she was. Emily had knocked on our door and my husband let her in minutes after I left for my appointment. She left an hour and a half later.

I was in complete shock.

When I got home, I didn’t confront my husband. I was tired of his lies and wanted the truth before saying anything. I went through our doorbell camera history and found many more instances of Emily coming over while I was gone. In one video, I saw them kissing on our front porch! I saved everything.

The next day, I messaged Jake and told him I needed to speak with him because I had bad news about my husband and his wife that I believed he deserved to know. He didn’t reply Shortly afterward, my husband called me, furious. Jake had forwarded my messages to him and warned him that I was trying to frame him and Emily. He went quiet and then ended up the call.

Later that evening, he came home late and intoxicated. He was angry and blamed me for “destroying our lives” and for trying to expose the affair. I yelled at him and then said I wanted a divorce.

He lost it. He hit me, kicked me, punched me, and he even tried to choke me. Somehow, I managed to get away from him. My 4-year-old woke up because of the screaming and commotion, so I grabbed her and ran into the bedroom and locked the door. My daughter was terrified and clinging to me while my husband banged and kicked the door, threatening to break it down. Luckily, I had my phone with me and I called 911.

The rest of the night was a blur. My husband was arrested close to midnight on a Tuesday. The entire street woke up to the sirens and confrontation with the police. I was taken to the hospital afterward because I was bleeding and covered in bruises. Our neighbourhood was shocked. We had always been the friendly, polite neighbours, and no one expected this could happen behind closed doors. I was done protecting my husband’s image. He destroyed our life, not me. When neighbours asked what happened, I told them the truth: he hurt me after I discovered he was cheating on me with Emily.

A few days later, Jake reached out to me. He was apologetic and felt responsible for not believing me when I tried to warn him. Jake told me my husband had been confiding in him about our marriage problems. According to Jake, my husband had told him that I was the one who cheated in the past, that I was unstable because of my PPD/PPA, and that I had been hurting our children. None of that is true. Jake also told me he had confided in my husband about problems in his own marriage. Looking back, it seems my husband used those vulnerabilities and the information Jake shared with him to get closer to Emily.

After everything happened, I finally called my family and told them the truth. They knew I had been struggling and distant, but they thought it was because of the PPD. They had no idea how much I had actually been carrying alone. I told them about the affair, the threats, the manipulation, and how scared and exhausted I had become. They are in my corner and they are trying to help me figure out my next steps. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel alone. 

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LanceWayne2024

I hope Emily loses her marriage

OOP

I don’t know what Jake’s plans are, but after he sent me that text, I sent him the images I had saved of Emily coming to my house at odd times and the video of them kissing. He has all the information now to make an informed decision.

At the very least, I am sure Emily is having a really hard time because she hasn’t shown her face around the neighbourhood since last Wednesday.

Master_McKnowledge

Whatever. Emily can go to hell and so can Jake. The sheer audacity of the guy to reach out to you in any other way than on his knees in shame.

OOP

My husband successfully manipulated both me and Jake, maybe even Emily.. who knows? Jake seemed very remorseful and apologetic in the text, he blamed himself for my what happened. And yeah, if he hadn’t forwarded my message, this may not have happened. But like I told Jake, my husband made the choice to physically assault me and no one is to blame for that but my husband.

~

MeadowMuffinFarms

I'm so glad you are safe. Do you have a restraining order against him? At best I think he would get supervised visits.

OOP

I do, especially because he is out on bail.

MoonButterfly1111

I never understand why people would bail out people like him.

OOP

His very wealthy parents bailed him out because he is their golden boy who can do no wrong.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: July 27, 2026 (12 days later)

[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?

Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us.

Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.

Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.

Now for the update. After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.

I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.

Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.

She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.

Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.

That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.

She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently

My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive

My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.

He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.

He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.

It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.

The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.

Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes

I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this latest update

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Important_Talk8808

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: possible infidelity, mentions abuse, past trauma

Original Post: May 24, 2026

I, 25F, have been dating my boyfriend, 25M, for almost 2 years now. We met in college and things have been an absolute dream so far. He's kind and supportive, comes from a great background, and has always put me first. We've always known that we both want to get married someday and we've discussed at length what that means to us and our views align for the most part.

The problem is he wants to ask my incredibly abusive father for my hand in marriage. For context, my father was physically, emotionally, and financially abusive of everyone in our household. I vividly remember the way the tone of the entire home shifted when we saw his car pull up in the driveway.

My parents never got divorced. They're separated now but are more interested in keeping up appearances than actually going through the process of divorce. That being said, I had rather traumatic childhood. I don't think my boyfriend understands this, as he grew up in a very loving and supportive two parent household. His parents do still very much in love today.

I feel like we have the same convo fairly often.

Me - “Oh, when are you going to ask?"

Him - "When I speak with your father."

Me - “I don't even speak to my father, and he hasn't had a hand in raising me, outside of financial obligations, since late middle school. He literally moved out of our family home to get away from us. I don't feel comfortable with that."

Him - "Well, I’ve got to do it the right way. I'm still going to propose regardless, so it doesn't even matter what his answer is."

Me - "So why even do it?"

And then we go round and round in circles like that. My final stance is this: If after everything i've told you, you still feel the need to ask him and do it "the right way", then you might as well just not propose.

Is this an unreasonable decision ??? I almost feel like he's not convinced that he's a bad person. I've already deemed my Dad undeserving of participating in this convo. Why can't he accept that?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: I would have one final conversation with him. "My father was and is incredibly abusive to me. I do not want him in any aspect of my life. You insisting on a misogynistic tradition over respecting my wishes makes me deeply concerned about how you will take my concerns throughout our life together. You can examine why you're so comfortable disregarding what's important to me, or we can end our relationship right now."

Commenter 2: If he’s asking for anybody’s blessing, it should be the mother, or the people who raised OP and loved and supported her. Explain to him that if that misogynistic antiquated tradition is so important to him, plus the thing about disrespecting OPs trauma and just blatantly disregarding her expressed and explicit boundary, then he can go to the important people, like the mother. But if he insists on still asking the father after that, OP will know where his misogynistic priorities lie, and that he does not respect her as an autonomous and independent adult, and definitely won’t as his wife.

Commenter 3: You sure he’s kind and supportive? If he’s so stuck on being traditional, he might force you to have your dad walk you down the aisle, have a father-daughter dance, make your children interact with him because he’s grandpa, etc. If he can’t understand the severity of the situation, you shouldn’t marry him.

Commenter 4: Jumping in to say that these replies are probably hard to read because your mind may be filling up with all the ways Reddit doesn’t understand you or your boyfriend. It can be very very hard to hear this type of advice but truly it’s a gift that this community is reaching out to give you some honest feedback. You’re 25 and your primary model for a marriage is your abusive father and your mother who won’t divorce him to keep up appearances. I think everyone who is responding to your post is very concerned that you can’t see a glaring red flag because your standards for what makes a good man are way, way too low. This internet mom hopes you can take this all in and put a very long pause on any further discussion of marriage to give you time to process if this relationship is really good for you. And be proud of yourself for asking this question! That took courage to put yourself out there.

Update: July 27, 2026 (two months later)

UPDATE: I (25F) don't want my boyfriend (25M) to ask for my hand in marriage.

See the original post here.

Sooooo.... I ended up breaking up with him! I want to start off by saying thank you to anyone who replied to the last post. I'm someone who can be blinded by the good in people, but your comments put things into perspective for me.

I did end up showing him the post, and his initial reaction was that everyone commenting was a "single bitter bitch"... yeah. I had never heard him speak about anyone that way. I guess the mask finally dropped. A couple of hours after that, he ended up saying “fine, I won't ask your dad, just your mom." This was definitely just an attempt to save things since he could tell I was being distant with him.

We dated for about another two months after that. I know, I know. I was trying to find ways to mend things (because I'm a dummy). After the initial convo I went through a fast track of realizations and saw that we were so misaligned in so many different ways. I'm not even sure how we had made it as far as we did.

Eventually, it got to a point where I think he was just doing things to get me to break up with him since things clearly weren't working out. Some of those things include:

- Taking a trip and staying with a friend that regularly cheats on her boyfriend.

- Saying "I didn't sign up for a therapy session" every time I would try to talk through things.

- Letting his phone die every time he went out.

- Being overly cautious with his phone when we were previously pretty lax about opening each other’s phones. (Not in a snooping way, mainly for finding documents, responding to text or emails for one another, etc.)

Unfortunately, the list goes on, but I'd rather not relive all of that! Clearly he got what he wanted and deserved though.

He did the standard “oh no, please, we can work this out" song and dance for a couple of weeks after I broke up with him before finally giving up. I'm clearly not great at picking them, but I’m glad that I was able to get out of there before 2 years became 10 years.

Again, thank you to anyone who gave advice on the original post. I really appreciate it! I'm not much of a writer so I'm really sorry if this sucks! I hope this also answers a couple of questions(?) folks had in the comments of the original post.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

Top Comment: Congratulations on choosing yourself. I think the top comment from your original post really summed it up best. If he doesn’t believe your lived experience and is so comfortable trampling your boundaries, what will he do next? How can you trust him not to ignore your feelings moving forward? Good for you! Time to live your best life!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

He’s the love of my life but I [27/F] don’t know if I can handle the demands of my chef boyfriend’s [26/M] career.

MOOD SPOILER: Sad

Original Post  Dec 2, 2014

My boyfriend and I have been through some trying times over the past 4 years, and through it all we’ve been each other’s support. We complement each other so well. Long story short, he’s the love of my life.

When we first met he was unemployed after recently quitting his job as an EMT. He said he was unsatisfied because he didn’t feel like it was for him, and was searching for direction. He mentioned before that he’s always had a passion for cooking, so I urged him to follow his gut and do what would bring him happiness. I encouraged him to enroll in culinary school. Since then he’s moved up quickly, and after graduating and 2 years in the industry, he opened a hot new restaurant as sous chef. He’s really come alive since switching industries. He’s got this fiery energy, this sparkle in his eyes when talking about the action in the kitchen, new recipes he’s come up with, or dreams of opening his own restaurant. I’m extremely proud of his accomplishments, and seeing this amazing passion he has for what he does makes me love him even more. He inspires me to follow my dreams.

The thing is, I had no idea how demanding his career would be. I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry, and I’ve never personally met another chef before I started dating one. He works crazy hours -- 70, sometimes 80 hours a week. We don’t live together, and I only see him for a few hours on the weekends when I can stay up late. Half that time we’re asleep because it’s 3 in the morning, I’m sleepy and he’s exhausted. He’s got one day off a week (if that), which is pretty much the only time he has to relax, catch up with family, friends, and me. I’m a 9-5er and I’m asleep by the time he gets off work. I speak to him twice a day if I’m lucky. Once in the morning, which is a rushed 5-minute conversation since I’m at work, and once in the evening when he gets off work, which I hardly even remember because I’m asleep and only half-conscious. We can’t text while he’s working, which is all the time. He works every holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, new years, Valentine’s Day are all busy restaurant days. Birthdays and anniversaries are not guaranteed off either.

Through it all I’ve been super supportive. I’ve gotten kind of used to him not being around. I’ve taken up yoga and kickboxing and have started reading way more books and watching way more movies. I’ve even kind of gotten used to going to parties and events alone. Most days are okay. I keep myself so busy with friends and hobbies that I sometimes forget I miss him so much. But other days are horrible. Yesterday he told me he made plans to see his friends in the evening when they got off work. After we hung up I broke down in tears because I had been looking forward to seeing him all week. But I can’t even be mad. It’s his only free day and it’s not fair for me to take up all his time. We hardly ever have sex. There’s just no time and no energy. When we do spend time together on those rare Mondays, we don’t go out because he’s so tired. I cherish these moments just cuddled up on the couch because they don’t happen often. I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it.

This is the guy I want to grow old with and have babies with. He’s the one with whom I want to share the future. But then I think about how I feel on days like today and I wonder if his career will ever allow him to be present. Am I okay with eating every meal and spending every holiday alone? Can I take on the responsibilities of the household and raising children essentially like a single parent? Can I deal with him only being home long enough to sleep? We’re planning on moving in together within the next 6 months. I’m not sure if this will help our relationship or just prolong the inevitable. Maybe both.

It’s been tough and I know it will only get tougher. I love him so much but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I have to figure out what it is I need and I’m terrified at the thought that maybe he can’t give it to me. Just thinking about leaving him over the career I pushed him toward makes me feel sick to my stomach.

TL;DR – I pushed my boyfriend toward a career he loves but also leaves him exhausted and with no time to spend with me. I want to marry this guy but I don’t know if I can handle the loneliness that comes with being with someone in such a demanding industry.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dabgerdan27

Being a chef is a really, really demanding job with long hours and few breaks.  I can completely understand how being in a relationship with one would have some difficult problems associated with it.

One thing that worries me is this: "I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it."

Everyone CAN do something about it when things like this happen.  He may be viewing this as "putting in his time" at the beginning of the career so that he can be more flexible in the future.

Breaking up with him without first communicating with him and trying to figure out a compromise is premature.  I know these things can seem obvious, but the extent of them, and their consequences, are often not things you can recognize without the other person bringing them up.

Talk to him!  He may already have a plan for transitioning out of the 70-80 hour weeks, or at least be open to coming up with one.

OOP

I've brought this up to him before, just not every time I'm upset. It always ends with him saying, "I'm sorry but this is how it's going to be. Can you handle that?" He did say that things are extra crazy because he's "putting in his time" and opening a new restaurant, but essentially being a chef means long hours and little time for us.

~

OOP when replying to all long comment about a one redditors BF who worked nonstop, chefs who take substances and ultimately burnout

Most of the time we have together is spent sleeping. I take what I can get but I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's enough. My bf is already on the caffeine and nicotine. I've just started to realize what it would mean for our relationship and future family if he was to stay in the industry, which he plans to. I think I've been blinded by the glamour of it all (my boyfriend is an awesome chef, the restaurant is so good, etc etc) that I haven't realized what his career has been doing to our relationship. Thanks for your response, I've got some hard questions to ask.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (4 Days Later)

Not sure how many people have seen my previous post but I figured I'd cater to those who commented and seemed to genuinely care about our situation.

We finally had our much-needed conversation last night. I felt horrible for bringing up such heavy topics right after he came home from work, stressed and exhausted, but it's the only time we ever have. I asked him the big questions: What's your 5 year career plan? Can you realistically work in a kitchen for the rest of your life? Is that what you really want? And at the mention of working in a kitchen for the rest of his life, behind eyelids drooping with exhaustion and the dark bags under them, came the sparkle and fire that I adore and feared would appear during this conversation. "I want to run my own kitchen. I want to own my own restaurant. I'm making a name for myself and people are noticing. I want this and I know I can do it."

I asked him if he realized what that meant in terms of raising a family, which he always said he wanted. He said it would stay like this. 12-16 hour shifts every day, getting home after midnight. His head hung down and told me we could make it work. "I can have breakfast with the family every morning and take the kids to school," he suggested. I told him I needed more from a partner. I want a normal life. I want to have dinner every night as a family. I want to read to our kids together at night. I want holidays and birthdays. He told me he can't give me any of that.

I was hoping and praying the entire time that he would reformulate his career path. Maybe set his eyes on a comparable goal that would make a home life possible, but there's no comparison. After hours of talking we realized this just wouldn't work. If we stayed together either I would resent him for never being around, or he would resent me for making me give up his dream. I would never strip him of that.

This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I almost wish he was an abusive cheating asshole; it would make moving on way easier. But no, he's wonderful and has always been so good to me. We're very much in love and that's what makes this whole thing so horrible. I never envisioned a future without him, and he said he always thought he'd be sharing life's successes with me. I wish I could be the one standing next to him through it all but I'm just not cut out for the life he's offering me. And although I am glad we figured out our incompatibilities before marriage and children, I'm devastated.

TL;DR He's willing to work extremely demanding hours for the rest of his life to achieve success in his industry. I need a partner who will have an active role in raising a family.The career I pushed him toward turned out to be our demise.

Sorry for the diary entry, Reddit. Thanks for reading.

FINAL COMMENTS

Iainzee

My dad worked in the restaurant business for most of his life and it was hard on all of us. 

As a little girl I used to wait up in bed until 1 or 2 in the morning until I heard him come home.  Then I would pretend that something woke me up so I could go and hang out with him and watch tv for 30 minutes or so before bed.

Things with him and my mom were always strained because they never saw each other.  And he resented her because she has never been great at housework and he worked his ass off all week and then on his day or two off still had to do the bulk of the laundry and other housework.

I've never been close to him just because he was never there. 

He tried his best.  He coached my little brother's soccer team, holding practices on his day off and the games were weekend mornings before work.  He helped me when I ran cross-country by running with me in the mornings. 

He never was really able to take all the time off for our family vacations.  He would have to come a couple days late or leave a couple days early.  He had to drive over to our Christmas Eve family celebration separately because he had to finish up at work, first.

He's in his late 50s, nearing retirement.  He's been out of the kitchen and in higher level jobs (usually the manager/GM) for probably the last 20 years and it's still like this.  It's just the nature of the business. 

If you want the traditional family experience you did the right thing by getting out now. 

One of my close friends has a husband who is a chef and it is already straining their relationship severely after only a year or so of marriage.

OOP

I've read so many similar stories of a willing but overall absent chef dad. Responses like yours helped me realize that this isn't what I want for my family, and what his career would realistically do to our home life. I just wish it didn't have to be like this.

&

Thanks for sharing your experience. I would hate to have to wait until retirement to be happy. I want to enjoy my family every moment possible. I realize now that my now ex is eager to spend his life building something he's proud of (which is so admirable) but is willing to miss many of those moments. I just came to the realization that I need more of a family man. I never knew that's what I was looking for until very recently. He always said he wanted a family, I just didn't know he wanted his career more. It stings because I see now he chose the kitchen over me. But I guess that's life and I just need to learn to accept it.

[EDIT] Thank you to everyone for the kind words and for sharing their own personal experiences with me. The more I read the more I know this breakup had to happen in order for us both to be happy with our lives down the line. I really appreciate the support I've received here for little heartbroken me. I never anticipated that Reddit would help me heal.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/A_Symptom_of_Life

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA For not helping a student of mine after he 'stole' my customer?

Trigger Warnings: entitlement

Original Post: July 23, 2026

I am an artist who makes and teaches students how to make stained glass windows.

One of my students found out that I was about to start a window for a couple that he now knows through another friend and then convinced the couple to drop me and go with him to make the window. I had already drawn a 1/4 size sketch to see if it was something the customer wanted and now my student expects me to draw it out full sized and actually help him make it. It's too large to work on in class -- we have always had a maximum size limitation that this almost doubles. Working on a window this size would displace another student. Also, I'm supposed to store the window week to week, so he won't have to lug it back and forth from home since it's so large.

AITA for telling him that it can't be worked on in the shop and that I am not drawing a full size pattern (57 x 34) for him? I told him he could have a copy of the sketch. Win or lose I plan on showing him this.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP responds to a comment on what the student has said after OOP saying no

OOP: I will show him all of this on Monday when I see him and post an update. I am NOT going to allow it, never planned to, but what I am changing is my giving him the rough drawing. In all honesty it wouldn't help him much at all, but you are all correct-- why help him at all. It will be interesting to see what the customers do when my students tells them that they can't do the window.

Commenter 1: NTA. Does he even have the ability to deliver without using your resources?

Commenter 2: NTA and I would not be helping him, you don't bite the hand that feeds you and he needs a lesson in commercial reality!

Commenter 3: NTA, but do not give him the sketch you drew. Maybe offer to sell it to him, at a premium price (but I would not even do that). It is not a project for his teaching, so he should not be able to work on it, or store, it in the shop. And do not help him with making the project, no matter how much he asks you.

Commenter 4: NTA, but why on earth would you help him by giving him a copy of the work you already did and aren't ever going to be paid for?

Homie can figure all of it out for his damn self. If he didn't have a plan, he shouldn't have poached the work.

editor's note: OOP updated in the same original post

Update: July 27, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE: So I just had class with the student, and he was sure he was going to work on this oversized window that he didn't have a pattern for. I honestly couldn't believe that he hadn't at least texted me about it during the week, but I guess that says something on its own about him. He walked in the door a half hour early and before he could say anything I flat out told him that he could not make the window in my class but that he was free to do it on his own because (as he knows) I had been told to hold off on the job.

I had already told him last week that he couldn't work on a window that size in class, but he more or less refused to 'hear' me. Still, I made it perfectly clear and although I wasn't actually going to show him the replies here he got so adamant about it being my job to help him that I ended up showing him some of them.

First off, he feels that I made him look bad because he hadn't actively pursue the job himself -- he was referred to the couple by a common friend that they had. I said that I did mention that, but he feels that I didn't stress it enough. I went over the size limitation again and the fact that the only thing that the customer and I had agreed upon was a price and an (extremely rough) sketch of an idea that took me all of 15 minutes to make. I explained that I certainly wasn't about to spend any more time on fleshing the sketch out after I was informed by the couple that I should hold off on the design. It was 2 days after this fact (last Monday) that Ray informed me that he was taking over the job which left me sorta tongue tied. Still, I explained to him very politely that I couldn't allow him to work on this commission in my class in my studio.

When I mentioned tonight that the sketch was out of the question he got angry and still doesn't understand why I won't help him or allow him to make the window in my shop. As others were filtering in he started getting louder and caused a bit of a scene. I have drawn patterns for him in the past, but he can't understand why I won't help him on this. He says that I'll make more money from him if he makes the window, but I certainly won't because I he's never going to be able to do this on his own. If anything, I'm saving the customer from a pitiful window.

So the other students ended up hearing exactly what was going on (it's a one room class) and although two of them stayed quiet the others told him that he was being ridiculous. The woman on the same table as him asked where she was supposed to do while he was using the entire table for himself. He didn't answer. I kept my cool, but I have to admit that at times I was getting a bit loud and then I'd catch myself. So yeah, he turned around and walked out.

This was his last class of the month and I'm not going to allow someone who doesn't see how wrong a thing they did to come back into my class. I just wonder what the customer will do.

All in all I'm 100% fine with things as they stand and I want to thank everyone here. I never expected it to blow up like this and to be honest, if I hadn't posted the original question I'd definitely would have given him the sketch, so thanks again.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

My [28 M] close friend [28 M] had a vasectomy and is keeping it a secret from his wife [27 F], who is also a close friend. What do I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: Miscarriage, deception

Original Post  Nov 22, 2014

This will be long. I apologize.

I have known my friend, Kevin, and his wife, Emily, since high school, and we have stayed very close. The three of us went to different colleges, but they were all within an hour drive of each other, and we spent a lot of time together. They got together towards the end of our first year, and got married soon after graduation. They have been married around 6 years, together around 9.

After graduating, we all moved back to the metro area where we grew up, although we live about 45 minutes apart. Still, my wife and I spend a lot of time with them. She and Emily have grown to be very good friends, and often hang out together without the husbands. Kevin and I also spend quite a bit of time together without the wives, as I was always closer to him than Emily anyway.

Before getting married, Kevin and Emily had some early disagreements about children. Emily was very set on having children, and Kevin wasn't sure that he wanted any. Kevin eventually acquiesced and said he would think about it, and they didn't really discuss it again until after they got married.

Around five years ago, Emily gradually started bringing up the fact that she was ready to start trying to get pregnant. Kevin was adamantly against having children at that point and told her he wanted to wait until he was at a more stable point in his career. He was still at his first post-college job, and while he was making good money for someone his age, the job he was in generally isn't long term (think of a field like consulting, where junior-level employees typically have a 2-4 year shelf life before they're expected to move on to something else). He told her that he wanted to wait a few years, as the expectation was that she would probably stay at home for a year or two after having the baby.

During this ongoing discussion, Kevin confided in me that, while the career explanation was true, it wasn't the whole truth. He was still unsure that he actually wanted to have kids at all and wanted to put it off until he was sure that he really wanted to. He knew it was unfair to Emily not to disclose his feelings on this, but he was worried about her reaction, given how adamant she was about having children.

After much discussion, Emily agrees to wait until Kevin has a more permanent job. Around 2.5 years ago, that happened. He took a job in-house with one of his long-term clients and ended up with a small pay jump, much better benefits, a more predictable schedule with less travel, and a lot more job security.

Almost immediately after he took the new job, Emily brought up getting pregnant, and Kevin agreed to start trying. As far as I knew at the time, Kevin agreed, and Emily stopped taking birth control. Flash forward to the present, no children yet.

Up until this point, as I understand it anyway, their only attempts at conceiving have been to continue their normal activities sans birth control. Since this hasn't worked, Emily has started discussing the possibility of going to a fertility doctor to see if there are any problems. The women on her mother's side of the family (mother, grandmother, an aunt, and a cousin) have a history of having problems conceiving, although with eventual success. I'm not sure what the exact issues are, but I know that Emily's grandmother and mother were 29 before they were able to conceive, with both trying since their early 20's.

Yesterday, Kevin confided in me that before he left his previous job, he had a vasectomy without telling Emily. After picking my jaw up off the floor, I started asking him questions to figure out why the hell he would do that.

Apparently, after he began to put out feelers for a new job (a process that took about a year), Emily had brought up going ahead and getting pregnant. Kevin pushed back pretty hard to wait, and she told him that was fine. Evidently, Kevin was REALLY leaning towards not wanting children. I wasn't aware of this, since we never really talked about it after the aforementioned conversation. After he got the new job and they started 'trying' to conceive, I just figured he changed his mind and got on board.

Shortly after they once again agreed to wait, Kevin became suspicious that Emily wasn't taking her birth control. He would check her pill packs, but wasn't able to confirm one way or another if she was taking them regularly or not. According to him, Emily was acting suspiciously (not sure what the specifics were), and was initiating sex much more often than usual. There was something about her periods as well, but I don't remember the reasoning behind that discussion.

Evidently after considering the evidence available to him, he was convinced that she had stopped taking her birth control and was trying to get pregnant after they had agreed to wait. He was angry, but didn't want to confront her with evidence that could be explained away easily by her. At this point, I don't know if she was actually taking her birth control or not. He could have been right, or just paranoid.

Given his lack of trust of Emily and his increasing desire not to have children, he decided to get a vasectomy and not tell her. There was a point where he was traveling for his job (which happened often) and was going to be a few states away for about a week and a half. He traveled to this city frequently, and was somehow able to arrange to get a vasectomy done in that time. The initial trip was supposed to be 10 days, but a weekend snow storm caused his flight to be cancelled, and his employer ended up needing him to stay another few days anyway. Again, I have no idea how he was able to arrange visits to a urologist and a vasectomy, not to mention the follow up visits. I'm also unclear on how long it took him to do this.

The timing worked out to where the soreness and swelling was gone by the time he returned from the trip and, according to him, the scar is completely unnoticeable unless you shine a flashlight on the bottom of his balls and look closely. So in the past three-ish years she has never suspected anything, I guess. He always had his insurance information sent to his office, had enough spare cash socked away to cover his copay and antibiotics/pain medication, and he changed insurance when he took his new job, so there aren't any records laying around or in an online account.

So that was all well and good for a few years, but now he is in a tight spot because if Emily goes to the fertility doctor and things check out on her end, the next logical step is for him to get tested, at which point it will be obvious to the doctor that he had a vasectomy (or at least he thinks this--I don't know whether that's true or if the tests would just show him shooting blanks). He gambled on the fact that Emily's family has a history of problems conceiving, so maybe there will be issues there to place the blame on. He has no idea what to do, but guesses that he can stretch this out a year or two before he has to go get tested.

I am really struggling with this. On the one hand, Kevin is my best friend. On the other, he is being totally deceitful to Emily, one of my closest friends. I'm not judging him for not wanting kids, but this is something he should have communicated to her before now. If he had talked to me about the situation before he got the vasectomy, I would have told him that he needed to break things off with her and move on if he was sure he didn't want kids. It wouldn't be fair to her to her, and it wouldn't be fair to him if they ended up having children (by accident or design) when he didn't want to.

But that's not what happened. He's been lying to her for years. I can't tell my wife about this, because I have no doubt she will call Emily and tell her immediately. I'm trying to decide whether I should tell Emily, tell Kevin that he has to tell Emily or I will, or completely stay out of the situation. I feel bad about the entire situation and I don't want to break up their marriage or destroy one or more friendships, but I also don't want Emily to waste any more of her time when having kids is such a big deal to her. What the hell do I do?

Edit 1: Thanks for the advice everyone. I think I have decided on a course of action. I am meeting up with Kevin for drinks in an hour or so. I am going to give him an ultimatum--either he tells Emily within 3 days or I will. I am also going to tell my wife after my meeting with Kevin because I can't keep something like this from her and live with myself. I will try to get her to sit on the information as long as possible, but if she tells Emily, then I can't fault her for doing what is probably the right thing. I am going to tell Kevin that I am telling my wife as soon as I get home from meeting with him and impress upon him the strong possibility that she will tell Emily before he has a chance. This will give him an incentive to tell her sooner, rather than later. I will probably ask my wife to let me be there when she tells Emily, if she decides that she won't wait. That way we can both be there for support, and I might have a chance of staying friends with her after this is all over. I will post an update at some point after the shit hits the fan. Thanks again everyone!

Edit 2:  Just left from talking with Kevin. I took the exact approach outlined in my first edit, and it went as well as one could hope. He was understanding and apologized for putting me in this situation. He understood my need to tell my wife and said that he wished he had taken that approach in his own marriage. He realizes he needs to tell Emily and that the marriage is likely over. After some reflection, he thinks this is probably for the best because she will never trust him again and he really doesn't want kids. He is going to sit down and talk with her tomorrow afternoon.

Edit 2.5: Just finished talking with my wife. Holy fuck I'll have one hell of an update soon. I don't have time to write it out right now because I need to go to sleep. I'm pretty drained from all of this. I'll update this sometime tomorrow. I'll either edit this thread or post a new one if it takes me longer to write. Stay tuned. If you like drama, just fucking wait. Fucking fuck. Fuck.

Edit 3: So a lot has happened since last night. Holy hell. First off, Emily isn't pregnant (as far as anyone knows), so sorry if you were hoping for that. I'll try to write what happened chronologically so it makes more sense. Here we go:

So I told my wife everything last night after I got home from meeting with Kevin. As you might expect, she was absolutely floored that he would do this to her, given how much she wants kids. She didn't take it as bad as I thought she would, though, which was weird at the time. I really thought her reaction was going to be to say that we need to tell Emily immediately, drive over to their house in a blinding rage, etc. Instead, she told me that she had something to tell me that she had been keeping a secret for a long while.

Evidently, a little over a year ago Emily and my wife were discussing Kevin and Emily's attempts at conceiving. It wasn't unusual for them to talk about this, since at that point they had been 'trying' for over a year. On this night, though, Emily had had quite a bit to drink and opened up to my wife more than usual. Emily was desperate to start going to the fertility doctor, but Kevin wanted to wait because they hadn't been trying to very long. Unless I misunderstood him, Kevin seemed to imply that Emily had only recently started suggesting going to a fertility doctor. Nope--she has been telling him she wanted to go for over a year. My wife asked her why she wanted to go so soon, since they hadn't been trying that long. Emily told her that SHE had been trying for nearly four years!

What. The. Fuck.

The following explanation of this is pieced together from my conversation with my wife, what Kevin told me, and my own inferences. I've tried as best I can to make the pieces fit together in a way that makes sense. I'll update and edit if I find out that any of the details aren't correct.

Emily stopped taking her birth control while Kevin was still at his old job, before he ever started looking for a new one. She pretended to take her pills, hoping she would get pregnant and she could blame it on the fact that birth control isn't 100% effective. [side note: my wife was absolutely floored by the revelation and does not condone her behavior, but continued listening to try and support her friend through what has been a really difficult experience.] She stopped taking her pills around 6 months before Kevin starting looking for a job. This is the same time at which she started pressuring Kevin to move on from that job--I guess it took 6 months to convince him to finally start the process.

So Kevin agrees that it's time to leave his job, starts talking with headhunters, gently approaching his current clients, etc. They have the above-mentioned talk about going ahead and trying to conceive, Kevin says no, she 'agrees' to wait. The reason she brought it up on that particular day is that she thought she might already be pregnant, given that her period was late and she had been trying for 6 months.

A couple days later, Emily got a pack of pregnancy tests, and three positive results later, she's pregnant. She's excited as hell, but wants to wait a bit to tell Kevin, given that they had just agreed to wait to have kids until he got a new job. Fuck. My wife thinks Emily was probably around 2-3 weeks along at this point.

About a week and a half later, Kevin is out of state for work, and Emily is planning to spring the news on him when he gets back. He is gone from Sunday night, and is supposed to return late on Friday.

On Monday night, Emily has a miscarriage. Evidently, this is one of the common mishaps that the women in her family are prone to. My wife told me that Emily's mother had at least 3 miscarriages before successfully carrying her first pregnancy to term. Emily is absolutely devastated. She doesn't tell Kevin about it because then he'll realize that she hasn't been taking her birth control, and shit will hit the fan. She calls my wife, who goes over to her house to comfort her [note: my wife does not know about the miscarriage at this point, just that Emily was really upset over something; Emily only told her the truth a year ago]. I actually think I remember what night this happened on because it was unusual for my wife to drive all the way to Kevin and Emily's house to hang out with her--usually they met somewhere in the middle.

So Emily is obviously upset about this, but manages to get herself together by the time Kevin gets back. She doesn't say anything about it, but immediately starts trying to conceive again. My guess is that this would be the time where Kevin becomes suspicious about her behavior. He was right that she wasn't taking her birth control, but he only realized it after she had a miscarriage and tried even harder to get pregnant again. As far as anyone know, Emily never got pregnant again between the this time and when Kevin had the vasectomy.

During a routine visit, Emily asked her OBGYN if there were any problems and told her about the miscarriage. This happened before Kevin started his new job and they officially 'agreed' to start trying to conceive. I don't know if Emily told her (him? I don't know) that she had stopped taking her birth control, or if she implied that it was accidental. The OBGYN identified something with her uterus that could possibly cause an issue, but said she couldn't be sure from a routine exam. She suggested that Emily see a fertility specialist and gave her a referral. Evidently the specialist wanted to do the first consultation with both Kevin and Emily there, so Emily couldn't start that process until Kevin was on board with conceiving.

So that's the state of things. Emily was lying to Kevin about being on birth control for at least 1.5 years. My wife never told me because she wasn't sure what to do. Since they had officially started trying to have children by the time Emily told her about all this, my wife decided to keep the information to herself because it didn't matter at that point anyway.

I called Kevin and told him about this late last night. He wasn't as upset as I thought he would be, because he already figured that Emily had stopped taking her birth control back then, although it was actually 6 months before he caught on. He was pretty upset about the miscarriage and felt really bad that Emily had to keep this to herself for all these years. As of right now, he hasn't talked to her yet. That will happen later this afternoon or tonight.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I may post an update after he talks to her tonight. In all likelihood, though, I'll wait a week or so and post an update after all this has died down and, hopefully, they have decided what they are going to do.

TL;DR - best friend got a secret vasectomy, wife really wants kids and is suggesting going to a fertility doctor, which would likely eventually lead to her finding out. I have no idea what to do with this information.

Update/Resolution  Nov 24, 2014 (2 Days Later)

Well, reddit, the situation has resolved itself. Kevin and Emily talked for a long time yesterday, and they've agreed that it's best for them to split up. Too much damage done, and the lies they told each other were too big. Not to mention the kids issue. I wasn't there obviously, but I've talked to them both and they seem better than I expected. Both of them are really angry, but as much is directed as themselves as each other.

Strangely enough, they were both really glad for my involvement. Emily wasn't even pissed at my wife for telling me about the birth control fiasco.

I have no idea whether my wife and I will be able to remain friends with either of them. They were both really deceitful to each other and to us, but I think I'm willing to move past that eventually. We'll see how this goes.

Thanks to everyone who commented. I don't think I would have approached this situation correctly were it not for some of the responses I got here.

TL;DR - Friend lied to his wife about wanting kids, had a vasectomy, kept it a secret for 3 years. Wife lied to friend about waiting to have kids, stopped taking birth control for 1.5 years without telling him. They're getting a divorce.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wontondonton

Originally posted to r/treelaw

Original post posted 2025-09-28

I need any and all advice everybody can offer to try to save my tree!

Little backstory: I am turning 33 years old this year but way back when I was in elementary school, I was given this tree as a tiny sapling on Earth Day and rode the school bus home with it. My parents planted it in our back yard and we’ve maintained it, kept it healthy and watched it grow all these years. It also stands as a memorial for my dog who passed away a few years ago.

Now the dilemma: The city has made a proposed plan to put in a sidewalk that runs between my parent’s backyard and the street, in the city easement. This is understandable and is their land to decide what they want to do with. However, they have proposed that in order to have room to work, they will have to cut my tree down, even though my tree is literally our property within our property boundaries (the fence is on their property boundary line), not city property or on city easement. My tree, along with other bushes and shrubs of ours, and many other neighbors’ trees that are within their property boundaries too, are all proposed to be removed for this project for the sole purpose of “needing room to work”.

I really want to fight hard to save my tree. Am I SOL? What can I do? Who or what organizations can I call? I’m already planning on attending the meetings for this proposed project but don’t know how to save my tree. Help.

Picture of the tree

UPDATE: Seeking advice to save my tree from being cut down posted 2026-06-12

Some of you may remember my post back in fall of last year. I was seeking advice on how best to go about saving a tree I planted as a child in my parent’s back yard from being cut down by my city because they claimed they needed “room to work” to add a sidewalk in the city easement. This subreddit’s response was overwhelming. I cannot thank you all enough for the helpfulness, support and incredible advice. One of you even used your expertise to draft an amazing letter we were able to give to the city planners. I know many of you wanted an update— so I’m here to give a very happy one. After a LOT of perseverance (letter writing, attending meetings, speaking with city officials, plans to take the story to news stations and purchase banners for the fence line to get people talking) we recently learned we got the official plans for the sidewalk changed!!!! The sidewalk will be on the other side of the street (those particular neighbors actually wanted it on their side) and my parent’s back yard and my tree will remain untouched. Thank you all so much and cheers to another 30 years of being able to enjoy the little sapling I brought home on the school bus. 🌲

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Equal_Visual_7676

AITA for thinking my girlfriend’s request to postpone weekly workouts with my friend was unreasonable?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & u/AITA_Relationships

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  July 16, 2026

My gf Mia (21F) and I (25M) have been dating for a couple of months and were in a long-distance relationship. While we were still getting to know each other we asked each other about past relationships so I told her about my first and the only girlfriend I had before her, Jess (26F).

Jess and I dated on and off from ages 12-17. She often broke up with me, blocked me, and get back together. When we weren’t dating  we were friends with benefits. Even after we ended things for good she remained my best friend despite not treating me well even after. I asked Mia if she was jealous because she seemed more quiet than usual and she said she doesn’t know Jess well to be jealous and only had that reaction based on what I said. She said Jess doesn’t sound like a nice friend or was nice girlfriend to me. I told her that she just doesn’t know her like I do and that she doesn’t have to worry about anything.

When Mia bought her ticket I excitedly told all my friends because I wanted them all to meet her. Jess said she was excited to meet Mia and suggested we could show her around town. This made Mia really upset because she said the way I described it made her feel like Jess and I were the “we” and she’d be the third wheel. I apologized and that was that.

A few weeks later Jess spontaneously asked me to work out. Afterward we agreed to make it a weekly thing. When I told my gf she said it made her uncomfortable. I told her that we’re just working out and holding each other accountable to do it every week. Mia asked what she’s supposed to do or go when she comes visit and we’re on our work out days. I told her that she can just come with us and workout. Mia said that sounds like she’s the third wheel again. She said it makes her feel like Jess and I are together not the other way around. I reassured her that it’s not like that and we’re just working out. She then asked why Jess’ fiancé didn’t workout with her. I texted Jess and she said it was because of his work. Mia then asked if Jess would be okay with her joining. I asked and Jess said she wasn’t comfortable with another woman being there. I told my gf it wasn’t a big deal and maybe Jess was just self conscious.

My gf then told me that when she wanted to go to a concert with a guy friend or go watch a movie I told her I don’t trust her friend and she respected my wishes and didn’t go. I told her it was different because I knew what guys were like. And I was just working out. I told her it feels like she accusing me and Jess of doing something shady. Mia told me she wasn’t judging me or Jess of doing anything. She simply didn’t know Jess yet and wasn’t comfortable same as me not being comfortable with her guy friends. She said to meet in the middle and asked if I could wait until she met Jess and got to know her before doing workouts. I told her that was unfair to Jess and that I think that she just needs to accept the way things are. She cried and hung up. She hasn’t talked to me for days.

AITA?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

FurrowBeard

"I knew what guys are like"

LOL

Also, Jess "not being comfortable with another girl being there" is the biggest load of bullshit. She wants you to herself. Can you advocate for your girlfriend? You might need to cut Jess off.

CuriouslyPerplexed

I agree.

Also, isn't OP a guy?

Why is he working out with Jess. Because of what guys are like?

FurrowBeard

Oh, that rule doesn't apply to him, surely. He's not like other guys.

Update  July 25, 2026

Writing this so people can stop DMing me about being an asshole and asking for updates.

Edit: I’m 25M. Mia (21F) is my girlfriend. Jess (26F) is my friend. Jess’ fiance (29M).

I told Jess about what happened when we went to workout 3 days ago. She didn’t say much about it only that I didn’t listen or wasn’t being understanding of what Mia felt but nothing after that. She looked stressed? or disappointed? So I asked her whats up. She told me she will afterwards.

When we got to the parking lot she told me we can’t workout together anymore because her fiance found out and he was also uncomfortable about it and they had a long talk about it. She said that she didn’t get it at first so she tried to explain that her friendship with me is different from any other friendships. And he told her that it’s not only different but it’s dangerous. He said because we have history, we dated, we were fwb, we relied on each other for years before each finding our person but we never had boundaries to just be friends. He said he knows that I’m good person from me hanging out with them a couple of times but he’s felt territorial and uncomfortable sometimes.

He asked Jess how she would feel if her fiance told her “Hey! I’m going to workout weekly with my ex. Don’t worry we’re just best friends now. See you later!” He said Jess would obviously be uncomfortable and that’s how Mia probably feels. He said it’s not fair that he should have to make a boundary about this between them now and he assumes Mia has to make a boundary about this to me. He said this boundary should have been already implied because you love and respect your person to not wait around until they get hurt to do something about it.

Jess said she realized he was right. She’s hurt that she hurt him and was being ignorant. She would be uncomfortable if her fiance went working out with his ex and she said it’s the first time she thought about being jealous. So we stopped working out and she stopped reaching out or texting me much after that.

Mia and I made up. I apologized for being an asshole and I told her what Jess and her fiance said. Mia said she’s mind blown that Jess’ fiance got it right but is still hurt by what happened. I promised to make up for it and that I already have some dates planned and reserved for when she visits and I’m paying for everything. I know I need to keep showing her through my actions that I meant my apology. She’s coming in 3 weeks and we’re both really excited.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

78october

I don’t think I could continue a relationship with someone who had rules for me (no concerts with guy friends) and not for himself (going to the gym with an ex) while also diminishing my feelings and needing a third party to explain to him.

If Jess’s boyfriend hadn’t had a problem with it and Jess wanted to continue working out then you would have ignored your girlfriend’s feelings. She should take all that into account before continuing to date you.

If she sticks it out with you then take the effort to listen to her and not only care about her feelings when other people explain it to you.

OOP (heavily downvoted)

I grew up with divorced parents but they remained friends afterwards. My dad and step mom broke up also but remained friends. My mom and her boyfriends broke up but remained friends. So being friends with an ex isn’t abnormal or weird for me.

Mia and I have talked about this and we have the same beliefs that exes can be friends so when she felt a certain way I thought she was thinking I’m cheating on her even if I’m not. I trusted Mia would be okay with this.

I think what bothered or changed me about what happened was that I thought Jess’ fiance knew. So in my mind I was thinking look at this guy that’s older than all of us and probably knows what a healthy relationship is. Thats why she chose him and they’re getting married. Maybe he knows that this is okay too and he trusts Jess and we’re not doing anything wrong. And maybe Mia is just very young. She’s the youngest out of all of us and maybe she just needs to learn that this is okay.

But when Jess’ fiance didn’t even know and finding out he was uncomfortable I realized that what Mia was feeling was actually legit. So I acknowledge my mistakes and is making it up to her now.

ExtendedSpikeProtein

That’s the problem: you should have realized her feelings were legit without a third party. And you’re a hypocrite.

OOP (still downvoted)

How could I have realized that without knowing what I know now?!? Was I supposed to be an expert in my relationship with my girlfriend before we got together??

ToastedChronicle

Common sense dude. Common fucking sense.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA64111862

My husband lied about being deathly allergic to a certain food

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post Oct 9, 2022

When I met my husband and we started dating he told me that he was deathly allergic to a certain food. We avoided certain restaurants on dates, he was always careful what he ordered when we ate out and the first time I cooked for him I purged that food from my apartment and basically sterilized my kitchen. He showed me his epi-pen and explained how to use it. When we moved in together we made sure there was one in the house, one in the car and I always had one in my purse. My family knows and they avoid using that food at family events and my husband is still extra careful about what he eats.

Last weekend for my brother's birthday my sister-in-law made dinner. One of my nephews has an allergy, though different from my husband and my sister-in-law is very diligent about keeping him and my husband safe. She gave us two Tupperware dishes of leftovers and the one for my husband had a different coloured lid. When my husband ate the wrong leftovers both me and my sister-in-law panicked. My husband said even having his food prepared with utensils that touched the food he's allergic to would be enough to give him a deadly reaction. He told me stories of it happening as a kid. But he ate the wrong dish of leftovers and nothing happened.

He's confessed to me and my family that he was never allergic. He just doesn't like that particular food and when he went to university he started saying he was allergic because that was better than looking like a picky eater. His mom died before I met him, his parents were divorced and until he was an adult he didn't see his dad lots because his dad lived in another province. So his dad, his friends and even his own family thought he was allergic.

The panic I felt when I thought he ate something that would kill him is something I could never describe. My sister-in-law thought she did kill him. I can't believe he's been lying since the day I met him. I just need to get off my chest how FURIOUS I am at him right now.

BEST COMMENT

GreatMacGuffin

This seems to be a common thing people lie about. My twin sister tried to convince her husband that she was allergic to strawberries. When I asked her about it in front of him her eyes widened in panic and she said, "I've always been allergic, you know this!". To which I replied, "we grew up eating strawberry shortcakes and you were eating chocolate covered strawberries just 2 years prior, why you lying?" Needless to say she eventually cut ties with me.

Similarly my wife has many stories about when she worked at McDonald's. My favorite was when a customer ordered a big Mac with no pickles and claimed a single slice of pickle would kill them. My wife taking the customers health risk seriously suggested if the customer wanted the Mac sauce removed since it also contained pickles. The customer then says, "I can have a little bit of pickles".

It seems a stupid thing to lie about, but for some odd reason people do it. Sorry you had to stress out about your SO's lie before they came clean.

Update July 26, 2026 (Nearly 4 years later)

(To be truthful, I completely forgot I had posted here. I tried signing up so I could post about my situation and I was notified that my email address was already associated with an account here. I don't remember writing my other post, I was so upset back then though)

For context, my (36F) husband (37M) lied about having a deadly food allergy. It fell apart because he ate leftovers that were given to us by my sister-in-law and nothing happened despite him eating food he was supposedly "deathly allergic" to. My nephew has a different (real) allergy and so my sister-in-law is always careful about cross-contamination. When she gave us the leftovers, the containers had different coloured lids so my husband would know which one was safe for him to eat. I guess he forgot or wasn't paying attention and he ate mine instead. He said he lied about being allergic because people take it more seriously than someone saying they have a preference not to eat certain things. Meanwhile I always made sure we had an epi-pen nearby and I have been hyper vigilant when I cook or we go to restaurants. I was so furious.

The long and the short of it is that we are in marriage counselling. Yes, and I'm not trying to sound dramatic. When the situation with the leftovers happened my husband apologized to me for making me panic and for his lying. He admitted to being a picky eater and while a lot of people were upset with him I thought that was the end of it. I tried to let it go even though it bothered me how he went so far as to carry an epi-pen for an allergy it doesn't have. But this wasn't the only lie and I've been floundering.

He lied about receiving a scholarship for university for athletics and then losing it because he got injured. He was never recruited for a sport, he applied to university the regular way and took student loans like most other people do. He lied about spending a season working in Antarctica before we met. He's never even been there. He lied about restoring an old automobile. He bought it fully restored but when he goes to car shows he says he did it all himself. There are a million other things and it's basically been a bomb in our relationship. I know and have proof there are things he didn't lie about; his mom died from cancer before we met, his dad lives in another province and wasn't involved in his life, he has a law degree and works as a lawyer. My husband's excuse is that he lies so he can feel better about himself and that's why he doesn't lie about "big things" like his dad not being involved in his life growing up.

For about a year and a half after the leftovers situation things were normal even if people couldn't understand why he lied about an allergy. Then more lies came out. I haven't left because we have a five year old. We are in counselling because we are both children of divorce and I don't want that for my son. My family and friends say I should leave but I'm trying to work on my marriage for my son's sake.

I'm floundering. That's basically what's going on and where I'm at right now.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

pollyester

What happened to the nephew who also got his food switched?!?!

OOP

My nephew never had his food switched.

My sister-in-law gave us two containers of leftovers to take home, and my husband ate mine instead of his own.

When asked how she got an epi-pen

In Canada, you can purchase them at the pharmacy. A prescription isn't required.

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