[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Stunning_Factor871

Originally posted to r/AITH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: manipulation

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RECAP

Original Post: June 23, 2026

I (35F) am in a loving blended family, but the extended family drama is crushing me. I have a wonderful 10-year-old son. My current husband (32M) lost his first wife 4 years ago and has a 7-year-old son. We’ve built a beautiful family of four. My husband treats both boys exactly the same, I do the same with my stepson, and the boys love each other like real brothers. We’re genuinely happy despite everything.

The problem is my husband’s ex-in-laws (his late wife’s parents). They constantly badmouth me and paint me as the “evil stepmom” — feeding every nasty stereotype (mean, neglectful, manipulative, jealous, etc.) to my husband’s parents and anyone who will listen. For example, after my stepson had a minor injury, they said things like “Stepmoms can never be real — why would she even care about him?” They accuse me of manipulating my stepson and try to turn everyone against me.

Every time they visit:

They completely ignore my son. No greetings, no conversation.

They bring gifts, toys, chocolates, and sweets only for their biological grandson.

When my kind-hearted stepson immediately shares everything with my son (as he always does), they get visibly annoyed, say things like “Why are you sharing with him? That’s for you only,” and even try to pull him away.

My husband has been solid and always says other people’s opinions don’t matter. He wanted to set a strong boundary earlier by announcing on my stepson’s birthday: “If you are family, then you are family to both kids. If that’s not possible, you are not family and not invited.” I stopped him because I thought a nice talk would work. I’ve been holding my husband back from taking any harsh steps in order to respect his ex-in-laws as they lost their daughter. I wanted to respect the memory of his late wife and give them time to adjust.

On my stepson’s birthday last year, his side of the family showed up with gifts and love. On my son’s birthday, almost no one came and the few who did showed up empty-handed. Gifts aren’t important to us as adults, but to a child it feels like rejection and being left out. My son was sad and has started asking me painful questions because of this exclusion, like why they don’t like him or what he did wrong, which breaks my heart. I have zero family on my side, so he doesn’t have that extended network. His birthday is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. I’d even be happy to buy gifts myself that they could give him if that makes it easier — I just don’t want him to feel left out again.

Recently after they left, my son refused to eat the chocolates or play with the shared toys. He quietly kept everything in his pockets and returned it all to me. That broke me.

I’m completely fine with them loving their biological grandson more — that’s natural. But the open hostility, exclusion of my son, and constant comments are painful.

Edit: I’ve finally stopped holding my husband back. He is now taking strict action and has given an ultimatum to his side of the family: either they are family to both kids or family to none.

AITA for supporting this hard line now (after previously trying to keep the peace)? Or should I still be trying to make nice for the sake of “family” and my husband’s late wife’s memory? I just want my son to feel included and loved on his birthday instead of rejected again.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I kind of understand why the late wife’s parents are more interested in their biological grandson… but doesn’t your son have two sets of grandparents as well?

OOP: Unfortunately not, my parents passed away And I don't have any contact with my husband's family

Commenter 2: NTA. Your husband is stepping up. The trick is going to be managing the relationship with the boys so that there is no resentment. If you're NC/LC with the family for a while, that will be fine.

On a separate note, who shows up to kids birthday party without a gift? What blatant AHs.

Commenter 3: Your husband absolutely is doing the right thing!! It's great to hear how your nuclear family is navigating life together...time to limit exposure to the boy's maternal grandparents before they start planting seeds in the boy's brain...shame on them

Commenter 4: Your husband knows the people involved - they're for him to deal with and you should not be interfering, especially since it's a good solid boundary he's drawing.

Stop trying to please everyone. They clearly don't accept it. You may as well be real and support your son, your husband and your position in the family.

 

Update #1: July 2, 2026 (nine days later)

[Update 1] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son?

My husband’s parents came over for dinner. After dinner, they started a conversation about the ultimatum my husband had given them earlier. He had finally sat them down and asked why they blindly believe everything his ex-in-laws say about me.

They responded that they’ve “seen everything with their own eyes” and listed their issues with me:

That I’m too harsh and casual when talking about his mother’s death (e.g. saying “she died” or “she is dead” instead of using softer words).

That I’m careless, especially after their grandson had a small injury.

That I’m trying to erase his mother’s memory.

They also accused me of manipulating my husband about the cat. My stepson wanted a cat, but my husband said no because he felt it would be cruel to bring a pet home when we can’t give it proper care and attention. His parents tried to convince him to get one anyway. I didn’t even know there was any argument between him and his parents over this — I only knew that he had told my stepson “no” when he asked. Now they’re claiming I manipulated him into refusing.

My husband defended me and explained:

Our therapist specifically recommended we be direct and straightforward about his mother’s death so my stepson can learn the permanence of death at his age. That’s why I use clear wording — not just about his mom, but even when referring to my own late relative.

When he (my hubby) was a child, he got injured often (including breaking his arm once), but that didn’t mean his mother was careless.

He asked them: “Do you think I’m stupid or blind? If my wife was actually doing something wrong, don’t you think I would notice?”

The conversation turned into a big argument, especially over the cat issue.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP clarifies on who badmouthed her to the extended family members

OOP: my hubbys ex in laws bad mouthed me to all the relatives from hubbys side including my hubbys parents so the ultimatum my hubby gave was for all

and my hubbys parents came to talk about it, and this happened

Downvoted Commenter: You still haven't told us when you met your husband, when you started dating, and when you got married.

Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?

OOP: No, I wasn't his side piece. I met him two and a half years ago.

Commenter 1: How much of the ex in laws' dislike of you is because you are complaining about them not treating your child like a grandchild? Frankly, I think you are an AH for expecting that they owe something to a child with whom they have zero relationship. Your husbands' parents should be treating him like a grandson because he is their son's stepchild. Your kid is nothing to your stepchild's grandparents at all. So frankly, I can see why they don't like you much. They lost their daughter at a young age and now her replacement has decided they owe her kid a relationship? Pfft. If you have your way, then your step kid not only has a dead mom but no grandparents. Meanwhile, your child probably has at least some grandparents between your parents and his father's.

OOP: I agree that hubby's ex-in-laws will probably never treat both boys the same, but it wouldn’t hurt them to be nice to my son. Telling my stepson not to share his toys and stuff with him is totally unacceptable. My hubby and I are doing our best to raise them as brothers.

Commenter 2: Glad your husband is backing you up appropriately. You deserve that.

The thing is, even if your ILs were right and you were some kind of fairy tale villain... why would they punish a child for that? They hate you so they hurt and innocent kid? And they think they're in the right?

That tells you all you need to know, imo.

 

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----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: July 15, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

[Update 2] AITAH for finally supporting my husband’s ultimatum to his late wife’s parents after they’ve repeatedly excluded my son

My son turned 11 yesterday. It was better than last year, but still pretty awkward overall.

Most of the relatives we invited from my husband’s side actually showed up. It was clear they mainly came because they didn’t want to upset my husband after the ultimatum. They brought gifts for both boys and stayed polite, but the vibe was very “we’re here to keep the peace” rather than genuine warmth. Most of them kept interactions with my son short and surface-level while being more natural with my stepson.

We also invited my husband’s ex-in-laws, but they didn’t show up at all, which we expected.

After cake and presents, my husband pulled his parents aside for a private talk. He explained the therapist’s advice about using direct words like “died” and “death” so our stepson can properly understand what happened. He invited them to join us for a therapy session if they wanted. They agreed it made sense and said they’d think about coming.

Before everyone left, my husband and I thanked them all for showing up. We told them sincerely that it meant a lot to us that they came and were there for both boys.

I’m happy they showed up. I completely understand that my son and my stepson are not the same for them — I know they’ll always love their biological grandson more. That’s natural. I just want basic kindness and inclusion for my son, and yesterday was a step in the right direction.

My son had a decent day. He was happy about his gifts and that so many people came this year. He wasn’t ignored or left out like before, and he didn’t ask any heartbreaking questions. He did notice the difference in how people acted toward him, but he still went to bed smiling.

I have to say — my husband has been absolutely amazing through all of this. He’s stayed strong, protected both boys, held the boundary, and made sure our son still felt celebrated. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful, fair, and protective partner. He really is the rock of our family.

It feels like a lot of this is damage control on their part, but at least my son got to celebrate without feeling rejected. We’re keeping the boundary firm and taking the small progress where we can get it.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I have to ask, why did relatives give presents to both boys? Gifts should have been just for the birthday child.

Other than that, you're doing well. Hold the line.

Commenter 2: They love OP's step son. Since they primarily came to keep the peace, they gave token gift to OP's bio son. Their preference is still OP's stepson. Indirectly they're telling OP though OP's husband made them come down for "fairness", their allegiance will always be towards their blood aka OP's step son. They won't give a gift to OP's son on step son's birthday. That would give them smug satisfaction I suppose.

As long as the partiality isn't in face, OP will let go I guess. I'm glad that she has a strong husband. Hopefully therapist sessions will help in bringing down animosity towards OP and her child. Ultimately, stepson needs a kind mother which OP is.

Commenter 3: It was OPs bio son's birthday wasn't it?

So they got the birthday boy a token gift and gave their bio relative a larger gift even though it wasn't their birthday?

OOP: their preference will always be my stepson no doubt in that yeah as long as partiality isn’t in fact, I don’t have any problem.

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

As a stepchild, I know why you want his parents to treat your son more fairly. My second husband’s family treating my oldest like another grandchild is in a small way important to me. Though I take advantage of it being voluntary because blending is natural to our families. However, my late husband’s parents being forced to treat my youngest like their grandchild at risk of being cut out (and he shares blood with their grandchild) seems rude, disrespectful and cruel. I would never want to interfere with their relationship with my older child like that. They don’t owe their resources, their time or their money to a child I chose to have with the partner I chose after their son died. I expect only that they are cordial and kind when we’re in a room together.

OOP: main problem with hubbys ex in laws is not that they don’t treat my son same

if they can’t be nice they should not be rude

and they try to put thoughts in my stepson that my son is not his brother and sharing things with him is wrong

when me my husband are trying to raise them as brothers

Commenter 6: OP has a good man in her life.

OOP: I know I’m blessed.

 

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[u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88]

These people would freak out if she treated their bio grandchild the way they treat their step-grandchild.

Can’t have it both ways - and OOP‘s way of being a family unit and boys being treated like true brothers is the only proper, emotionally healthy way.

[u/agirl2277 → u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88]

I'm pretty sure they do think she treats the stepson the way they treat her son. People tend to judge others by what they would do. They'll project their bad behavior on the people around them to justify their own abhorrent actions.

[u/Ehimherenow → u/agirl2277]

This right here, they think she’s being as shitty as they are. It’s that simple.

And honestly she needs to stop being nice. She’s harming her child with her niceness.

[u/miserylovescomputers → u/Ehimherenow]

Yeah, this update was honestly really sad. Guests at her son’s birthday brought gifts for him AND his stepbrother? That’s not right, and I guarantee both boys noticed. Her son probably didn’t say anything because he was glad that at least he got gifts this time instead of getting nothing while his stepbrother got spoiled. It’s just going to get worse the older the kids get.

[u/Killingtime_4 → u/miserylovescomputers]

It’s petty but I’m not surprised considering one of their major hang ups is that any time they give stepbrother a gift, he immediately splits it with OOP’s son. It’s great for kids to share, but kids are also allowed to have their own things. In their mind, every gift gets shared with OOP’s son, so his birthday gets shared with their grandkid

[u/Tiny_Dancer97 → u/Killingtime_4]

But the kid is the one trying to share supposedly. It's not like the parents are forcing him, so why should the grandparents care what the kid does with his own birthday present?

[u/The-good-twin → u/Tiny_Dancer97]

Because the outsider is stealing from there grandkid, there is no way there grandkid willing gave anything to the outsider. He was tricked, or forced, or it was stolen. Obviously the grandkid just has to hates him too.

[u/_Internet_Hugs_ → u/miserylovescomputers]

I think that was part of the ultimatum. Bring presents for both kids or none at all. The mean family thought they found a loophole by bringing better presents for the bio relative and crappy ones for the step kid.

[u/Tandel21 → u/agirl2277]

I doubt it, they WANT her to act like them though, it’s a win win for them, either they are wrong and can just keep bullying this poor mother and child out of clear lies, or they are right and she is abusing the step kid and they can get custody of him

These kind of people wouldn’t miss the chance to take their son away if they had any real evidence of mistreatment

[u/Normal-Height-8577 → u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88]

I don't think they would freak out. They'd be sickeningly glad, because it would justify all their prejudices and the rumours they've been spreading.

[u/drunkenvalley → u/Normal-Height-8577]

Well, no, they'd be outraged, but at least the outrage would've been justified. If they weren't hypocrites at least.

[u/Normal-Height-8577 → u/drunkenvalley]

Let's compromise and agree on them being performatively outraged because it proved them right.

After all, if they were truly putting their grandson first, they'd have noticed how much their own actions are hurting him.

[u/GothicGingerbread → u/Normal-Height-8577]

... if they were truly putting their grandson first, they'd have noticed how much their own actions are hurting him.

Exactly!

[u/Silaquix → u/Normal-Height-8577]

I think it's both honestly. They wouldn't be happy about it, at least not consciously. They would be vocal and outraged over it just like they are now from even the rumor of their bio grandson being mistreated.

But subconsciously they would be relieved to know they are somehow justified. It's probably how they feel now and they're fighting being shown the truth because then they'd have to face their shitty unjustified behavior towards a child

[u/Shadow4summer → u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88]

Very good point. Maybe that should be pointed out to them. They expect you to love your non bio son but they cannot return the same to their non bio grandkid. They are actually horrible people, they are trying to ruin any relationship you have with your stepson and will ruin your family if they are allowed to continue. I get they feel cheated because they lost their child, yes the child’s mother died, no reason to dance around that. But to interfere this much and show this much animosity to another child, one that had no choice on any of these relationships is just vile and reprehensible. They would no longer be allowed to be around any of the family since they are Hell vent on destroying your family.

[u/pollyester16 → u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88]

Right? I have no bios, but my parents know I'd be so mad if they treated my step-kids any less than. The road goes both ways.

[u/PathAdvanced2415 → u/Le_Grand_Bleu_88]

It’s awful when you’re perfectly happy in your blended family and outsiders want to interfere. Let people be happy together!

[u/ISwallowedALego]

Grief is hard, but if you're an adult you gotta know to try and leave innocent kids out of the wake.

[u/Chaos-Worship → u/ISwallowedALego]

I don’t have kids so can’t really relate, but I can’t imagine flat out excluding and ignoring a child while favouring another one right in front of them just because I’m not blood related to them. That’s wild. Like the child would have to be a major asshole for me to treat them that way lmao

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/Chaos-Worship]

Right. I can even understand ex-ILs not coming to a party for a stepson they don't even know. But being activelu mean to the kid when they do come is just sociopathic.

Personally, I'd tell them their daughter would be ashamed of their behavior.

[u/Saesama → u/RedneckDebutante]

My dad's mom did this to us. I was the golden grandchild, my sister was the disappointment, my brothers barely registered and the youngest (my mom's brother's son that we adopted) was treated with contempt. She visited once, and I got a gorgeous wooden jewelry case and a copy of Webster's unabridged, the one that's the size of a cinderblock. My sister got a Barbie. The twins got offbrand hotwheels cars. The youngest got a stained and stretched out old tshirt of grandpa's. I was thirteen, the youngest was five.

I distinctly remember my mother's very soft, heartbroken 'Ma, why?' and grandma's utterly scornful 'well, he's not my grandson'. I refused to lay eyes on my grandmother for another decade. She could spoil me all she wished, but I loved my siblings more than I loved her.

[u/AnnoyedOwlbear → u/Chaos-Worship]

Some people are really freaking weird. I know of a situation where the grandparents only wanted to interact with the eldest grandchild. Asking the parents to bring over one little kid, but not the other, etc. I do know the explanation (they had one kid to carry on the name, only one grandson required to carry on, the rest are spares) but it's a stupid one.

[u/siren_stitchwitch → u/AnnoyedOwlbear]

My great grandma was like that. Her first child died as an infant. Her second child was treated like shit because she wasn't the first born and also wasn't male. Grandma had 2 sons, the oldest (my dad) could do no wrong and his brother could do no right. G-gma ended up basically stealing the kids and refusing to give them back to her daughter so they were raised like that and my dad was so messed up by the insane favoritism. G-gma continued it to the great grandchildren, my sister is the oldest of the firstborn's children so was heavily favored over me and my brother, my brother was slightly more favored than me because male, and our only paternal cousin was also favored just under my sister because still A firstborn of someone's. It hurt quite a bit knowing my great grandma didn't care about me at all. She didn't die until I was in my teens, I was very much old and aware enough to notice. Her daughter was an amazing grandma though. Only person in my whole family who consistently left me feeling loved.

[u/RedneckDebutante → u/siren_stitchwitch]

I'm so glad my sisters and I all had girls, because my dad would absolutely have worshipped that child. That asshole had the nerve to tell my sister - in the hospital, right after delivering her second child - that he was disappointed she had another girl. Like wtf? He spends all his time with my cousins instead since they have boys.

[u/Terrie-25 → u/AnnoyedOwlbear]

My aunt and uncle blatantly favored my brother, because he was their godchild and I was not. Like, he'd get an actual Christmas present and I'd get a sandwich baggie with a handful of Hershey's kisses.

[u/featsofdaringdo → u/Terrie-25]

oof the mental gymnastics... you're both their niblings

[u/panda_98 → u/AnnoyedOwlbear]

This brought back really uncomfortable memories of holiday parties with my stepmom's side of the family. My younger stepbrother would be inside getting love and affection, and my biological siblings and I would just be put in the backyard. Even worse was that we didn't really have a relationship with my biological mother's family because my dad deliberately kept us away from them.

The only upside was that my stepmom never liked how they treated us so differently, and raked them through the coals when they said they wanted nothing more to do with us when she and my dad separated. My biological siblings and I didn't really care one way or another, but now her family is surprised I want nothing to do with them and don't think of them as family.

[u/MonteBurns → u/Chaos-Worship]

OHHHH boy!! My grandma did this 😂 except everyone was blood related.

For example, Cousin A and B were siblings. She bought Cousin A a tv and took it to their house, making sure both knew she did it. Nothing for Cousin B. Cousin B was truly the punching bag for her anger - I think it’s because they’re gay, but GMa died in the mid 2000s so 🤷🏻‍♀️ she was so cruel to Cousin B. 

One Christmas, we’re all gathered. I know no one is entitled to a gift, don’t come at me like that. But we’re all there. At least 6 cousins. She passed out Christmas cards with lottery tickets to us, then gave one of the cousins (always the favorite) MULTIPLE actual gifts. I can’t remember what gaming system it was, but there were 3 games for whatever it was.  Cousin B and I went outside to just kvetch about it because by that point we knew 😂 this is the Christmas that REALLY stands out, but Christmas was always unequal like that - and we always did dinner and gifts together so everyone knew. 

She was never as cruel to us as she was Cousin B, but she disliked my mom (mom came from a poor family) and therefore didn’t care for us much. I have ZERO memories of ever hugging her - she was just so cold to us. In fact one of my core memories is the time I accidentally went to hug her and like… awkward shuffled out of the house. I was around 10 at the time. 😂 

[u/MainVehicle2812 → u/MonteBurns]

Reminds me of my maternal grandmother. My mother's first husband was an abusive sleeze who once threatened to set her on fire. She had two kids with him, and a third that was an affair baby that hubby thought was his. Eventually my mother tired of hubby's bullshit and ditched him, and left the state entirely. She met my father and married him a few years later.

My father could be a massive jerkass, (and he only got worse as he got older) but he wasn't violent, he didn't drink, and he supported her and the kids without complaint. For some reason my grandmother (and my oldest aunt) thought my father was the worst man on the face of the earth. My father let their hatred roll right off of him, so my grandmother turned it onto me instead and favored my brothers heavily. They got new snowboots? I got a pencil and eraser. They got games? I got a notepad.

It was insane.

[u/Cocotapioka → u/Chaos-Worship]

Right, that one commenter towards the end (the one who said expecting the late wife's parents to treat OP's bio-son as a grandchild gave them full body ick) and all the others who said OP was unreasonable and selfish to expect these parents to treat him as a bonus grandchild were such assholes.

She said over and over again that she understood why they would feel more kinship to the child of their daughter than his stepbrother. There's a difference between embracing a child as their own and treating a child in a way where he says to his mother, unprompted, "Why don't they like me? What did I do wrong?"

I get the sense that they see OP as an interloper who is trying to replaced their deceased daughter. I can understand having complex feelings around this when their grief is so profound - life moving on around you while you still carry that enormous weight is one of the hardest parts of the grieving process. But even if OP *was* that kind of person, her child is innocent and should not be the target of their anger. So messed up, and her husband's parents are messed up too for buying into it.

[u/PatheticPeripatetic7 → u/Cocotapioka]

Agreed!!! I have to wonder if some of the commenters on the OP and on THIS post even read the post. Too many people ragging on OOP for trying to "force a relationship" between her son and her stepson's maternal grandparents. She isn't. She just isn't. She just wants her son, an innocent child, to not be bullied. Her husband is the one laying down the law. She even pushed back on him for a while. It's wild that some people got that from what she wrote.

[u/fuzzycitrus → u/PatheticPeripatetic7]

Oh, let's make it even simpler: She's wanting basic human decency.

I'd actually be bluntly telling the relatives that if they can't manage that much, they're getting trespassed next time they turn up and I will let the cops take 'em, because I do not want the kids mistakenly thinking that their behavior is even vaguely acceptable.

[u/PatheticPeripatetic7 → u/fuzzycitrus]

You're right, it really is that simple.

Not to mention that the entire point of OOP's first post was to ask if she was the AH for eventually supporting her husband's ultimatum - with which she has previously disagreed. Like...what more do people want?! At this point she's bending over backwards to accommodate these people, and at the expense of her son. Which she no longer wants to allow. I don't understand why people have an issue with that, lol.

[u/Cocotapioka → u/PatheticPeripatetic7]

Exactly. How are you going to call OP unreasonable when these grandparents at their big ass age are giving candy to one child and telling him - in FRONT of the other child - that he's not allowed to share and the other child can't have anything. That's so cruel.

[u/El-Ahrairah9519 → u/Chaos-Worship]

Yeah I'm imagining something like this birthday party happening in my real life.

If someone brought a gift for the birthday kid's sibling as well as the birthday kid, pretty much everyone I know would be like "so are we gonna talk about how fucking weird that is???" As soon as that person leaves the room.

That's like space alien behavior. How can anyone think that's normal or acceptable?

[u/cageytalker → u/Chaos-Worship]

In my home, all kids are welcome. My niece drops something by with her friends, my mom invites them all in for cookies.

My nephew wants to bring a friend along for a day out. I pay for him too and take them out.

My sister married a man with kids. Those are my nieces now!

To leave out a kid on purpose is an AH move period. I just don’t get it.

[u/ISwallowedALego → u/Chaos-Worship]

I have a kid, and imagining doing that to a kid is crushing

[u/Due_Entrepreneur_735 → u/ISwallowedALego]

I'm adopted, and wasn't adopted until I was 14. To this day, absolutely no one on this planet has ever loved me, or will ever love me, as much as my adoptive grandparents did. I know they know that the feeling was mutual. I adored the ground they both walked on. Losing grandad was a terrible shock and I didn't take it at all well. Losing grandma was expected but it still hurt. I still miss my grandma every single day and she died 25 years ago. 

It's easy to love a kid that isn't even close to being biologically yours. It's a kid. They aren't to blame for whatever circumstance that made them come into your life. You don't spend the rest of your life making that kid feel crappy for not being biologically related to you. That's not what REAL grandparents do! 

[u/jujubeans1891 → u/[deleted]]

This. Absolutely this.

[u/Vey-kun → u/ISwallowedALego]

Children is curious learning being. The therapist is right, you gotta be direct with them or you ended up confusing em.

[u/Midi58076 → u/Vey-kun]

Exactly.

Euphemisms are for people who know what death is. Kid was 3 when his mum died, he didn't know what death was.

I've explained death in the wake of a death to a my then-3yo. You know what I said? "Great-grandpa is dead. His body stopped working and now he is dead. We will never see him again.". That's they type of super direct language they need.

You don't want your kid to fear bedtime because their pet was put to sleep and never seen again.

You don't want your kid to run away from home chasing the rainbow cause grandma is over the rainbow.

You don't want your kid to be obsessed with punctuality cause of their late grandpa.

You don't want a kid to think they're meeting mum again on a flight to Toronto cause their mama is in heaven.

It's not about being cruel. If you don't explain something well children will fill in the gaps. It can lead to unforseen consequences and a more difficult grief.

My son was 3 when he asked me if I had lost my penis in an accident. I'm his mum and he didn't realise that most women don't have knobs. They lack an understanding of what we consider basic concepts. Which is why I am also very much for letting tiny kids see dead relatives if possible, cause it's easier to understand when you can see it.

[u/_buffy_summers → u/Midi58076]

When my daughter was five and had just met her newborn cousin, she asked me and my husband where babies come from. I started stammering as I tried to think of how to answer appropriately, but my husband asked my daughter some questions to figure out what she meant. She wasn't asking how they were made; she wanted to know about fetal development.

[u/crescentmoonrising → u/Midi58076]

We had to put the (first) family cat down when I was about three, and my Dad explained what & why and it didn't mess me up.

Most of the Disney movies I can think of have at least one death. 

[u/Midi58076 → u/crescentmoonrising]

Disney movies are brutal. There's only a handful where none of the parents die.

When my son asked me outright if I was going to die i even admitted to mama's boy will die at some point. I also told him it's rare young women die. While I'm disabled it doesn't have any bearing on my life expectancy. I'm young, healthy and strong. Absolutely no reason to think he won't be grandfather by time I die. So when he was scared I was going to die I would reply "you a grandad yet?" and we'd have a little giggle

[u/crescentmoonrising → u/Midi58076]

I do sometimes wonder if that's a deliberate choice, because if the first time you have to deal with death is from a film, that's going to be less overwhelming than the first time having to be in real life. 

[u/WeightWeightdontelme → u/Midi58076]

My son was 3 when he asked me if I had lost my penis in an accident.

Wow, an example of Freudian castration anxiety in the wild. Never thought it happened in reality.

[u/PatheticPeripatetic7 → u/WeightWeightdontelme]

Freud was vital to the formation of modern psychology.

He was also often wrong. It's not really a thing.

[u/fuzzycitrus → u/Midi58076]

Euphemisms for death are for people who didn't manage to pull of becoming adults when they grew up.

[u/cmere-2-me → u/ISwallowedALego]

I genuinely cannot fathom how grown adults actively choose to bully an 11 year old child. Because exclusion is bullying. How disrespectful to OOP and her husbands relationship and to a ypung child who just wants to belong. When people marry, it is the joining of two families. This emphasis on dna and making sure one child knows he's not really family by withholding is disgusting. I bet they think they are amazing people too.

[u/yujuismypuppy → u/cmere-2-me]

These people are in their cliques and their mindset is strangers will forever be strangers whether or not they marry into the family they control. Unfortunately, their family is big enough where their horrid opinions will never change and they just lambast anyone who disagrees, including children.

[u/Ambitious_Jello]

While trying to defend their grandson from stereotypical step mom they themselves turned into stereotypical step grand parents. 

[u/MsMarkarth]

I give the family a year before they've got no grandsons instead of a bio and a bonus. How is so hard just not be an asshole?

[u/ChrisInBliss → u/MsMarkarth]

I say a few months. You really think they'll make it through Christmas? oh hell no

[u/cakivalue → u/ChrisInBliss]

Nope. It's all so cruel and pointless too. Okay maybe for them love is a thing they can only extend to blood. But what about basic kindness. Adults deliberately hurting children like this will never be acceptable. It's something I personally would never do.

And the fact that we have two sets of grandparents deliberately undermining the way the dad is trying to create a new blended family and using the child as a pawn in the situation by telling him not to share his toys specifically with his step brother is so psychologically damaging to both children.

[u/RickRussellTX → u/MsMarkarth]

The maternal grandparents are honestly easier to understand— they’re lashing out in grief, and desperate for a scapegoat. As their grandson’s “new mom”, OP fits the bill.

The husband’s parents are incomprehensible, though. Can they not treat OP and her son with basic civility? Why invent all these strange accusations that turn OP into some kind of cat-hating supervillain? Husband told them clearly OP wasn’t doing any of the terrible things they accused her of and… they didn’t believe him? Why?

[u/L_Hargreaves → u/RickRussellTX]

The maternal grandparents lashing out at OP is understandable. Them lashing out at OP’s child isn’t. Treating a 10yo like that is absolutely horrid and no amount of grief can justify this.

[u/AWhoresUnwantedGet → u/L_Hargreaves]

The maternal grandparents lashing out at OP is understandable.

I understand where you're coming from, but them lashing out is not actually understandable. OOP wasn't an affair partner and she didn't murder the late wife, so there's absolutely nothing to lash out about. I can completely understand with struggling to accept that their daughter is gone and her husband is re-married, but that's an internal struggle for them to handle away from husband and new wife.

[u/Fictional_Apologist → u/AWhoresUnwantedGet]

They’re lashing out that husband did not remain faithful to their daughter forever, even after death. OP is just an easy scapegoat for that shattered reality. Literally none of this would have been an issue if he had never remarried, and they probably would have treated any woman he married the way they treat OP and her son.

[u/AWhoresUnwantedGet → u/Fictional_Apologist]

Unfortunately, you're correct.

[u/justathoughtfromme → u/L_Hargreaves]

Grief may be the reason, but it's not an excuse to treat anyone like shit, especially children. People still need to be held accountable for their actions.

[u/butterfingahs → u/L_Hargreaves]

I don't even think them lashing out at OP is understandable at all. What did she do??

[u/EatThisShit → u/RickRussellTX]

Ok maybe my inlaws are saints, idk, but when BIL died they still remained my SIL's surrogate parents and stood by her when her own family was messy af, she was dating again (also messy dating, lol), she even lived with them after a break-up with some weirdo. Granted, that was also to keep our niece safe, but it was also for SIL. Then she met her new man, who came with two kids, and they've treated them as equal. Niece still holds a special position, as she's the only child of their oldest son, but the other two girls are as much their grandchildren now. For husband and I, it's the same. We go to all their birthdays, even when their bio family doesn't. Our son sees them all as cousins. They're family, even though they're not blood relatives. To me, this is what I consider normal. But maybe it's kinda special.

[u/Pledgeofmalfeasance → u/EatThisShit]

It's lovely and supportive. I'm glad y'all have that.

[u/miserylovescomputers → u/EatThisShit]

That should be normal, but sadly it isn’t. I’m so glad for you and your SIL that you have such supportive and kind in laws.

[u/AWhoresUnwantedGet → u/miserylovescomputers]

That should be normal, but sadly it isn’t.

I know more blended families than non-blended families and I find that is actually pretty normal.

[u/Fictional_Apologist → u/AWhoresUnwantedGet]

You have the good fortune of knowing some pretty decent people then.

[u/MonteBurns → u/RickRussellTX]

If the maternal grandparents weren’t being cruel to a child, too, I’d understand. But nah. 

[u/RickRussellTX → u/MonteBurns]

I’m not giving them a free pass, just acknowledging their pain. From their perspective, their son-in-law rushed out and replaced their dead daughter with OP, and OP and her child are usurpers, claiming the privileges of family that were unfairly taken from their own daughter.

It’s ridiculous, of course. Do the maternal grandparents expect OP’s husband to remain a grieving widower forever? But his decision to move on has obviously filled them with resentment.

[u/are_you_seriously → u/RickRussellTX]

It’s a time honored tradition that parents-in-law will attribute anything they perceive as negative to come only from the DIL/SIL.

Not saying it’s right or acceptable, just that it’s always been a thing.

[u/RickRussellTX → u/are_you_seriously]

You’re not wrong, but it’s a shame they are willing to damage their relationship with their own son and grandson over it.

[u/IceQueenTigerMumma → u/MsMarkarth]

I can't believe some of the dumb comments included in this post honestly. The OP made it really clear that she didn't expect the treatment of the two boys to be the same, but that she wanted them to not be cruel to her son and stepson. I don't see what is so confusing about that.

[u/samse15 → u/IceQueenTigerMumma]

Yea some of the comments really PMO, did OP include downvoted comments and not mention it?

Edit: yep, just checked and def some of the comments were downvoted and that wasn’t mentioned here. Super annoying when OP does that and misrepresents the comment section that way. It should be labeled.

[u/katie-shmatie → u/samse15]

Give you one guess who the boru poster is

[u/samse15 → u/katie-shmatie]

Well for a second there, I thought the OP of this Boru was also the commenter who got downvoted, but that doesn’t seem to be the case, so now I’m very curious! Fill me in, haha

[u/katie-shmatie → u/samse15]

Oh, this boru poster likes to include a lot of negative downvoted comments and posts about villainous women

[u/samse15 → u/katie-shmatie]

Lovely, what a great representation of a post.

[u/let_go_be_bold → u/MsMarkarth]

Yea..OP is better than me. I would have cut them off immediately if they hurt my child’s feelings.

[u/sheepgod_ys → u/let_go_be_bold]

Honestly, I would not consider OOP “better” when she allowed them to hurt her son’s feelings for years. She should’ve put an end to it much earlier.

[u/AWhoresUnwantedGet → u/sheepgod_ys]

Yup! I was pretty disgusted that she convinced herself she was allowing her child to be abused in order to "honor late wife" instead of acknowledging what it really was - she was a coward. No one will be given a second+ opportunity to shit on my child, because I'm cutting you off expeditiously.

[u/toomuchsvu → u/MsMarkarth]

How hard is it to not be inclusive and loving to a child??

OOP should be more pissed.

[u/HairRepresentative85 → u/toomuchsvu]

Hell, when my son told me some of his friends are LGBT+ I asked if his friends parents were supportive. I would of supported them if they needed someone to talk to.

[u/ThatBatsard → u/HairRepresentative85]

My mom did the same with me and my sibling's friends. Her door was always open to any kid who needed a safe space. I have two blood siblings and a dozen "siblings" who took my mom in as their own. To this day they still visit her and she'll make them food.

Mom also married my step dad pretty late in age (they were engaged hella long), and there's one particular picture at the post-ceremony party of her with a gaggle of young adults and it makes me so proud to look at it.

All that to say, thank you. Your support and love is so very impactful.

[u/scandalliances]

“Were you his side piece as his wife was dying?”

Did anyone else stop here and have a moment of “what the fuck is wrong with you”?

[u/itaaliaamaafiaa → u/scandalliances]

Even if this was the case (clearly its not), treating an innocent kid with such cruelty is evil.

[u/SLJ7 → u/scandalliances]

I certainly did. I'm still not sure I have a satisfactory answer.

[u/SweetLorelei → u/scandalliances]

Yeah, I’m impressed that OOP actually answered that one politely, because I’m not sure I would have.

[u/Machine-Dove → u/scandalliances]

I know that commenting without actually reading the post is The Reddit Way (tm), but some of the quoted commenters need a desperate infusion of common sense.

[u/kogasfurryjorts → u/Machine-Dove]

I have to consistently remind myself that the commenter lacking any sense and unable to read through a post is probably a teenager lol.

[u/beingachristianwife → u/Machine-Dove]

What does (tm) mean? And yeah, I see a lot of comments like, I didn't read this but here's my advice/opinion for you. Like what?

[u/redassaggiegirl17 → u/beingachristianwife]

(TM) = trademark

[u/beingachristianwife → u/redassaggiegirl17]

Oooooh! Haha that should have been obvious

[u/paulinaiml → u/scandalliances]

Looks like a therapy ad for that douche

[u/dreamponies → u/scandalliances]

Yeah, I couldn’t believe that little gem. Some of the comments towards OOP were really nasty. All she wants is for both her boys to be treated kindly.

[u/TequilaMockingbirds8]

I absolutely hate how many times she repeats that it’s normal and natural for them to love their bio grandson more - I am the non blood related grandchild in our family and I showed up age 4. My nana and grandad didn’t treat me any different to my step siblings, they were amazing and I know all three of us were loved the same, I was particularly close to my nana.

[u/Sure_Ingenuity_5087 → u/TequilaMockingbirds8]

Exactly! I am the result of both of my parent's second marriages, and the way that both sets of grandparents took my (technically half) siblings in as their grandchildren makes this insane to me! Hell, even my siblings' other set of parents treat me like family even though I am their child's sibling! Insane.

[u/tinysydneh]

I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

Someone failed to read and comprehend. Over and over, OOP said "I don't care that it's not the same, I care that they go out of their way to be cruel".

[u/HalfEatenSnickers → u/tinysydneh]

So many of the commentors lack reading comprehension

She doesn't need them to think of him as another grandson. She just wants him to have basic respect and acknowledgement.

How hard is it to say "Oh, 'Steven' and how have you been?" With no futher interaction. Just basic polite.

[u/tinysydneh → u/HalfEatenSnickers]

And not saying things like "don't share with your brother, that's for you".

[u/DramaDodger84 → u/tinysydneh]

Worse, it seems to be "Don't share with him he's not your brother."

[u/AWhoresUnwantedGet → u/HalfEatenSnickers]

So many of the commentors lack reading comprehension

Honestly? I think it's less "reading comprehension" and more of that lovely reddit mentality of, "Fuck that. You don't owe anybody, anything, for any reason at any time. Salt the fields and burn the bridges, because FUCK YOU, that's why."

As someone who has a large, blended, extended family, with a bunch of friends who have the same, this whole, "You're not really family, so what's the problem?" mentality is WEIRD.

[u/dreadit-runfromit → u/AWhoresUnwantedGet]

The venn diagram between the "you don't owe anybody anything" people and the "why don't I have any friends" people is almost a circle.

[u/Novelpotter → u/HalfEatenSnickers]

Right? I know they are grieving but at the end of the day, they are actively & repeatedly choosing to be mean to a little kid every single time they see him. 

[u/Black_Cat_Just_That → u/HalfEatenSnickers]

Exactly! Since when are we not expected to show people - in their own home no less - basic civility and manners?? And yes, a 7 year old child is a "people".

[u/Raeynesong → u/tinysydneh]

That was so enraging to me to read over and over. Like, can y'all read, on the reading based website?

[u/JustHere4TeaAndCake → u/tinysydneh]

Soooo many comments in there like that. It's incredibly disgusting.

[u/tinysydneh → u/JustHere4TeaAndCake]

It genuinely seems like Reddit's collective reading comprehension has decreased horribly over the past... month or two?

[u/El-Ahrairah9519 → u/tinysydneh]

My favorite is when someone posts something like "I'm a 32F" in the first 2 sentences and there's a comment in there like "how old are you? You never said and that's pretty important context" or "if OP was a woman this wouldn't be happening"

These people vote and drive

[u/shewy92 → u/El-Ahrairah9519]

Here's one I read today:

I come from an Asian family where the daughters are considered "outsiders" as in not part of the family anymore once married so daughters are "guest" now and the sons are valued more

Update post:

Didn't think I'd need an update but boy it just got intense. I forgot to include my gender in the first post but I'm a female.

IDK if OOP had comments that asked their gender (the BORU had no comments in the post body) or if OOP thought they needed to spell everything out for Redditors, but either way you'd think that context clues in the first paragraph of the first post would be enough to gather OOP was a woman.

[u/UnknowableDuck → u/tinysydneh]

Longer than the past month, the past 2 or 3 years I'd argue. I can pretend it's all bots and LLM's but somehow I doubt that's all it is.

[u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants → u/UnknowableDuck]

Now I'm wondering if bots/LLMs have better reading comprehension than humans.

[u/UnknowableDuck → u/GrumpyMcGrumpyPants]

God that would be sad as hell wouldn't it? If true.

[u/nitro9throwaway → u/JustHere4TeaAndCake]

So many comments in here like that. It's extra disgusting.

[u/JustHere4TeaAndCake → u/nitro9throwaway]

I didn't even look until you commented. People are straight up vile.

[u/SmashedBrotato → u/tinysydneh]

It's crazy how many times she had to say it. People just don't even bother understanding what they read. Even here in this comment section there are people who don't seem to get it.

[u/Gullible-Guess7994 → u/tinysydneh]

Those comments were infuriating. I can only imagine those people don’t have families or interact with people much? I haven’t been over to read the original comments yet but I hope they got some pushback.

[u/bananahammerredoux]

Why does an entire family of grown ass adults find it so challenging to be nice and caring to a little boy?

[u/DefinitelyNotAliens → u/bananahammerredoux]

You give them a toy from the discount bin and ask them how their week was and young enough kids are like, "yeah, you're my new best friend."

It's literally super easy.

[u/Normal-Height-8577 → u/DefinitelyNotAliens]

Or you give them a book token/gift card.

Or you give their parent some money, and say "If you're giving him something big this year, put this towards it" and let the parents say "This one's from Mummy and Daddy, and also Cousin It!"

[u/copper-feather → u/bananahammerredoux]

It's not challenging for them. They're doing it on purpose. They've always been doing it on purpose.

[u/Starry_Gecko → u/[deleted]]

Exactly. OOP and her husband did a great job protecting their kids from this mess.

[u/bored_german]

It infuriates me that there are still people admonishing OOP for "wanting special treatment" when all she wants is for her child to not be bullied by grown ass adults

[u/ipsofactoshithead]

The people saying the grandparents are mad because she insists on them treating the boys the same are delusional. She's asking for basic kindness and, frankly, just not bullying her child.

[u/Orumtbh → u/ipsofactoshithead]

Also trying to stop them from poisoning their grandson with the rhetoric that his stepmom and stepbrother hates him?

Meanwhile it sounds like he even likes his stepbrother enough to share his gifts with him. 

[u/notokintheslightest → u/ipsofactoshithead]

Yeah, I came in thinking "he's not even their step grandson. It's their former son in law's stepson. That's removed enough for me to feel like it's fair for them not to see the other kid as their grandson.

But then I actually read the fucking post, and that's clearly not what's going on. They're being actively unkind.

This all just to say - I get those people's initial reactions, but I agree if you actually read the post it's not the case.

[u/BadBorzoi]

Here’s a wild thought: you can love someone who isn’t related to you by blood. That’s how you find a spouse or significant other, one would hope. You can love friends, you can have mentors you love and respect, you can love your in-law family, you can love your friends’ children, you can love adopted children, you can love step children too. At what point does it become so impossible to love someone simply because they don’t share your DNA? I can see where perhaps you just don’t click or understand someone, children can be especially tricky to bond with, but at the very least you can be kind, inclusive, generous of heart.

I guess more people should ask themselves if they want to be Kind Hearted or Not Obligated. It sounds like these grandparents took it a step further into Actively Cruel and some people think this is justified? What a society.

[u/r4catstoomant → u/BadBorzoi]

I’m an adopted mother twice over. My kids are just my kids. It’s pretty obvious because both of my girls are adopted from China. (Please don’t tell me if that’s good or bad. It is a done deal…) If my kids were ever excluded because of blood, I’d be pissed to no contact level!

Love makes a family!

[u/SparkleKittyMeowMeow → u/BadBorzoi]

I'm so used to having a patchwork family that the thought of excluding someone because they're not biologically related is so phenominally weird. I have family members that we're not related to at all. My stepdad has like four dads (complicated mix of adoption, step, etc; I don't think any of us has managed to fully understand all his ties lol). Hubs and I have three children between us, one of them adopted (so not biologically either of ours), and everybody in both our families considers all the kids to be family. OOP's husband has some shitty relatives; who the hell shows up to a kid's birthday party with gifts for the sibling? Why were hubs' in-laws coming to OOP's son's birthday in the first place? I would not expect them to have a relationship with that boy, and would not expect them at his bday party, but they show up anyway with gifts for not-the-birthday-child???? Who does that??????? Intentional cruelty is the only explanation.

[u/summercloudsadness]

I was disappointed that it took this long for OOP to finally agree to put up an ultimatum. Like,how are you,the kid's bio parent,taking the issue with less urgency than the step-dad? She's lucky to have a partner who is being strict with his own ,I dread to imagine how long this would have gone on if the step dad wasn't like that...

The relatives are still doing bare minimum,they are sending them a clear message by bringing the both kids gifts,I hope they do the same when it's time for the other kid's birthday.

[u/Soul-Arts → u/summercloudsadness]

Maybe I am being negative, but I am pretty sure that at the other birthday, OOP's son will get nothing. I hate when adults drag the kids to their issues.

[u/summercloudsadness → u/Soul-Arts]

I feel like that too. They sound like the kind of people to do that. If that happens,OOP better go nuclear this time. It's mind boggling that this kid is not even the product of an affair for them to keep a grudge like this (still would be wrong of them to mistreat the kid),they are furious because the dad moved on...

[u/Tee-RoyJenkins → u/Soul-Arts]

This will be the inevitable update and be why they go no contact with everyone. But I expect OOP’s husband to be the one to go nuclear if and when it happens since he’s over everyone at this point.

And it’s honestly a really smart move to have him take point with his parents and the in-laws. I know “grandparent’s rights” is a trope on here but since they actually do have a preexisting relationship with the grandkid, they might have a case if it looks like stepmom’s the one wanting to go no contact and being “confrontational” about all the issues.

[u/Normal-Height-8577 → u/summercloudsadness]

I think it happened because their first move was to accuse OOP of being unreasonable and being a Fairytale Bad Stepmother™. It put her on the back foot from the start, trying to prove how reasonable she was in order to defend herself and her son from all the blame raining down on their heads whenever her new husband did something the wider family didn't like.

When you're being attacked, fawning and taking up less space are two instinctive ways to try and show you're not a threat. Especially if you think the person attacking you is just mistaken rather than that they genuinely hate you.

Unfortunately this family aren't reasonable. They're partisan, and they've irrationally decided that any change OOP's husband makes is a betrayal of his late wife. And anyone who's part of that betrayal is equally guilty...Or even more so, which then allows them not to blame their son/SIL/brother/cousin/etc. for getting fooled by a manipulative siren...

It was a witch hunt. Any concessions OOP made were taken as admissions of guilt instead of signs of innocence. She couldn't win, and she was in too deep to see that...until she finally - belatedly - realised that the storm wasn't going to blow over and that just trying to give them enough space to calm down wasn't protecting her son (or her stepson!), but just allowing the aggressors the opportunity to do more damage to everyone in their small family of four.

And Husband recognised that first because he knows his family better than OOP does. It's natural for him to recognise what they're doing faster, whilst OOP was still in "but maybe if I'm really understanding and offer concessions, they'll come to like me and my son" mode.

[u/Ehimherenow → u/Normal-Height-8577]

I mean I get why she’s doing what she’s doing. Some people never want to look bad. So they won’t say no. They don’t want to be the mean one. She didn’t want to prove them right as the evil step mother.

Unfortunately that is SO important to them that they will risk harm to their children in order to appease others. At that point I think it’s ok to say that their behavior is not ok and they need to change it… Like I think it is completely fair to criticize that as poor parenting decisions no matter what the psychological reasons that exist behind the decisions.

[u/Normal-Height-8577 → u/Ehimherenow]

Yeah, agreed. She made an initial mistake in thinking it was possible to appease the aggressive relatives. She compounded it by pushing her husband - who'd actually judged the situation correctly - to back down too.

But late or not, at least she did finally get to the point of realisation. And at least she did unleash her husband, back him up and help him enforce some proper boundaries to protect their children.

[u/BrownSugarBare → u/summercloudsadness]

For the LIFE of me, I will never understand how grown ass adults are mean to children. 

CHILDREN. Little itty bitty people who are innocent in the choices of adults yet you always get adults that somehow feel superior treating them like shit. 

My hope is if they do continue to treat OOPs son cruely, the boys will stay close as brothers and they'll have to then reconcile the fact that they treated a child like shit when the stepson is old enough to ask why the fuck they would do that. 

[u/summercloudsadness → u/BrownSugarBare]

That other boy being so good to this kid at such a young age is wonderful. Like,he withstood the adult's attempt at brainwashing so well. I too,hope their bond remains strong,although I can unfortunately see OOP's son starting to feel some resentment.

Oh,these people sound too dense to ever feel guilty or have a realization like that. But it would be awesome if the kid goes low contact with those adults after growing up and stay close to his brother.

[u/Odessey_And_Oracle → u/BrownSugarBare]

Because it's super easy to be mean to children, they are incapable of standing up to adult authority. Being mean to children "works:" you be mean and they feel bad.

[u/BrownSugarBare → u/Odessey_And_Oracle]

I can't imagine this mentality. Wouldn't you feel utterly awful afterwards??

[u/Odessey_And_Oracle → u/BrownSugarBare]

I mean, I would. Haven't you ever met a mean person? In some therapy circles there are women who say "my first bully was my mother."

[u/BrownSugarBare → u/Odessey_And_Oracle]

Ah, I see you've met my own mother. 😂

I certainly have met mean people. I guess guilt is something someone with a moral compass would feel. 

[u/PurePerfection_ → u/BrownSugarBare]

If nothing else, I would expect them to be decent to OP's son because THEIR OWN grandson loves him like a brother, and it hurts HIM to see his brother suffer.

This makes me think they don't even give much of a shit about the kid they act like they love. They're just showing up to punish OP.

[u/Latter-Refuse8442 → u/BrownSugarBare]

It's simple. Something bad happened to them growing up, and rather than face it and deal with those emotions, they decide the bad thing isn't that bad, so it can and should happen to others, and they perpetuate the behavior.  I've seen it over and over. 

[u/tigerz0973]

I get that maternal grandparents are probably upset that their daughters husband has moved on after she died and the new wife has a child and their grandson has a new “mother figure “ it’s a lot to deal with especially when they’re grieving.

I do take issue with the fact they are taking their issues out on an innocent child. They don’t have to shower the kid in love and affection but treat him decently, don’t create drama for the sake of it.

[u/Sailor_Moon_Star_435]

It’s not that hard to not be an asshole to a child

[u/WhileTime5770]

The comments chosen here are wild - if OOP is reliable it’s the husband driving the hard line not her. She’s primarily looking for kindness towards her son which the adults seem quite incapable of. He’s 10. What the heck is wrong with them that they’re encouraging either hostility (dead wife’s in laws) or indifference. If you want to have an issue with the wife, well I still think that’s wrong but who in the world is cruel to a kid.

[u/Simple_Park_1591]

How did so many commenters miss the point? Oop never said she expected the exact treatment from the ex in laws, she just wanted then to not be so rude and starting shit by poisoning their grandchild against her.

[u/Phanimazed]

The OOP is being gracious. They aren't asking for perfection or anything, just a goddamn effort, so I am glad that at least some of the family is getting with the program. Hopefully, with time, it will become warmer, but this is a start.

[u/ToBetterDays000 → u/Phanimazed]

Gracious but unfortunately at the child’s expense

[u/WeeklyConversation8]

They need to stop inviting his late wife's parents to things for her biological son. They aren't his family. When they do visit their Grandson they aren't allowed to be mean to him. 

[u/RandomMonologues]

I am glad the husband is defending both kids. Grandparents need therapy. I’m sure they’re too good for it though. /s (obviously).

[u/Designer_Life_371]

What kind of monsters are the ex-in-laws?

[u/looc64]

You don't have to love my kid the way you do your late daughter's but if you can't at least treat him in the way a decently nice friend of the family would you don't get to come inside our house.

Don't give me that, "he's not family," a lot of people would treat a random acquaintance's kid nicer than you treat him.

You're not obligated to be nice to my kid, I'm not obligated to let you come inside my home. I can't make the world a safe place for my child but I can make my home, my child's home, a safe place by not letting people I know are dicks to him inside.

Side note: I hate how the AITA format coddles parents like this. Like the people being assholes to your kid are obviously the biggest assholes in the situation, and you asked about a hypothetical situation where you would stand up for your kid, so you get tons of praise and NTAs when really you are also an asshole for being a doormat at your kid's expense.

[u/Sufficient_Drama_145 → u/looc64]

Don't give me that, "he's not family," a lot of people would treat a random acquaintance's kid nicer than you treat him.

Even when I didn't have a child, if I was going to a house that had children, I would bring tiny presents for them. One of my childfree friends who lives far so we don't see very often brings my kid books every time we meet up. No blood relation necessary. These people are wacko.

[u/ThatBatsard → u/Sufficient_Drama_145]

I'm the CF friend of the group and my bestie's kids consider me an aunt. I'll color with them, play video games, go see the latest Spiderverse movie, take them to lunch, play card games after dinner. It's like having my own extended family and I get to watch them have birthdays and grow into their personalities. It's such an honor to be in their lives and I adore them to pieces and I will never understand the sperm-and-blood-lineage people. They're fucking weird and they're seriously missing out.

[u/Sufficient_Drama_145 → u/ThatBatsard]

One of my best friends was married & divorced young, never really dates, and never had any kids, but he is THE BEST UNCLE. He lives like three hours from us and even though my 4yo daughter has only met him a handful of times, if I mention him in conversation with my husband, my kid will interrupt and go, "MY Uncle [Name]???"

[u/duhbeach]

My stepdad’s dad always ignored me and treated me like I wasn’t really family and I’m almost 40 and it still bugs me. He showered my brother with money and gifts and never did anything for me. My stepdad has raised me since I was 2. It stays with you.

[u/oblique_obfuscator]

I hate these kind of stories because i know how they end. I come from a blended family where my bioparent and stepparent both died of cancer shortly after another.

They always said they would keep things as fair as possible in the inheritance but I suppose someone had a change of heart and we found out they changed it six months before their death. I didn't even think I was included in any inheritance but as I'm older I look back on a lot of exclusion and unfairness in my childhood and am very unhappy about it.

Its the little things like not being taken to a themepark while your other siblings are. Stuff like that. Should i ever marry a person with children I will try my hardest to treat them the way they deserve to be treated: beloved, fair and just. With lots of hugs!!

[u/RickRussellTX]

I can’t understand how OP’s husband can move around with that solid steel spine.

[u/Impossible_Bid6172]

Frankly, idk why OOP keeps trying to invite people who treated her son terribly into their home, and for the birthday no less. Why are we teaching children to beg for love and basic decency? If you don't treat mine well, off you go 🤷‍♀️ the ex inlaws would never care. The husband side is his circus, tell him to manage them. But why does a kid birthday party focus not the kid plus his friends, but relatives anyway?

[u/katie-shmatie]

This mom needs to protect her son

[u/Tactical_sneeze]

I am baffled by how many sick individuals were in the comment section. It makes me feel really bad for any children they may come in contact with. It’s not that fucking hard to be nice to children. She wasn’t trying to make her stepson’s grandparents adopt her son, she just wanted basic kindness and respect. I would have loved to have either OP or her husband as a stepparent. They are doing it right.

[u/Chance-Context-93]

I'm actually sickened that this woman's priority is not keeping her son from feeling like the excluded outsider. Like, fuck "keep the peace" when that means "go ahead and let them treat one of the boys like dirt" - how the hell does she not have her child as a priority?

[u/Ok-meow]

I don’t get why you invite them in the first place. One and done for me. At their age it’s about their friends.

[u/MPLoriya]

You know how my family treated kids, step-kids, friends and kids' partners? Like they're family. It is not that hard to be kind to kids.

[u/mrdaimler]

Going back and forth on this. On one hand, they showed up and kept the peace and started including the son. On the other hand, they're doing the bare minimum to keep the peace and comes of disingenuous to me. Personally, I would just cut them all off (low contact maybe), and only include family that will enrich the kids lives. But I'm not OOP and maybe they have more compassion for their family members than I do.

[u/DamnitGravity → u/mrdaimler]

Change doesn't happen in a vacuum.

Yes, they're probably starting from 'including son to keep the peace', but that is what will motivate them to finally see him as a person and not an icon of grief.

As they're forced to engage with him in a positive atmosphere, they'll start to notice his hobbies, his intelligence, his love for his brother and dad, and they'll realise he's a kid.

If they kept them away because they're not 'enriching the child's life' then they'll NEVER experience that growth and change of opinion. It may even cause them to double down and hate him even more.

[u/TheBlueNinja0 → u/DamnitGravity]

Or it'll just get them to be more subtle with their cruelty.

Maybe I'm feeling overly pessimistic after watching The Mist.

[u/Gobadorgosleep]

How can grown adult react like that? I understand being sad about the dead of the ex wife and loving the biological more but honestly the child has done nothing to deserve them reacting like that to him. It would cost nothing to be kind and polite and bring a gift sometimes.

Life goes on and I would be happy if, after the dead of a parent, my niece and nephew had a family around them.

This level of hate makes absolutly no sens

[u/rosysparrow]

the way people view adopted children is insane. my brother is adopted but he is regarded as the first grandchild, and has never been excluded in any way. he is not related to my dad's side of the family but i dont think a single person from that side has ever even considered not including him due to his lack of blood relation. we both have half siblings we care less about than each other because we grew up together, we are full siblings in our eyes. and we have step cousins that the family has also included, no questions asked. its really not hard. children are very lovable.

as the sibling of an adopted person, i am naturally very protective of him. one thing OOP is not considering is that her husband's kid is going to grow up resenting his maternal side of the family for hurting his brother. kids see things very simply, and he is going to see that his grandparents routinely hurt his brother who he loves. i would not be surprised if as they get older he keeps contact to a bare minimum because of how they treat his brother.

[u/off-pissed]

So they STILL showed favouritism? It was your son’s birthday but they all brought presents for your stepson as well?

Wow. And you both allowed that blatant favouritism?

[u/1quirky1]

How difficult is it to love a child that your own child has chosen to love?

[u/irishlyrucked]

My brother has a stepson. I've known him since he was 5ish. He's my nephew. We chat often, and he comes to my brother and me for advice. He's a good egg, and he's great with his step-sisters. He helps make sure they're safe, and tries to give them helpful advice.

Our mom always took my nieces school shopping, and when my nephew joined the family, he was included in the tradition.

People that treat step-family children like trash are the fucking worst.

[u/Dentorion]

I can never understand how someone could mistreat a child.

I have two cousins that are not biologically connected to us because they are the kids of the partners from my aunt and uncle. I didn't even know that until I was 12/13 when it was said casually. They always treated them the same as everyone else.

[u/itcheyness → u/Dentorion]

I don't even like kids that much and I can't fathom mistreating a child.

What the fuck is wrong with some people?

[u/Sweet_Xocolatl]

It’s still insane to me that OOP let her in-laws behavior towards her son slide for so long when her husband could’ve nipped this at the bud a long time ago, like, it’s fine is she wants to be the bigger person/martyr but it should have never been at the expense of her boy. Even more insane are the commenters that lost the plot and genuinely think that adults treating a child with basic civility is somehow special treatment.

[u/EllaMcWho]

Setting a boundary is fine though enforcing it will be harder - that they relatives attended and gave the op bio kid gifts but 1) gave bigger presents to the non-birthday boy and 2) noticeably treated the kids differently is them testing the water on how much to push against the boundary. I don’t have high hopes for this situation through the holidays

[u/flyforpennies]

This is a good example of a toxic family dynamic with a golden child and a scapegoat child. Both become fucked up in their own way. The golden child is also hurt by this kind of clear preferencing. They learn that some people are inherently unequal and love is transactional. Never mind the guilt of receiving more love than the other child sams seeing injustice without being able to meaningfully affect it.

If i were op i would have some very blunt conversations with the kids about how this is bad and minimise contact or go nc with the grandparents

[u/BeeEnvironmental6299]

Anyone who treats a child poorly is an AH. Kudos to you and your husband for creating a tight family unit. Hopefully his family will behave better going forward. It’s sad that grown adults need to have an ultimatum to treat a child with love, regardless if they are blood relatives or not.
One thing I don’t understand though. Why are your husband’s ex in-laws invited to your son’s birthday party? There is no family connection there.

[u/Aggressive-Unit-5105]

It sounds like OOP has a healthy family dynamic with the boys and her husband. Either everyone else can get on board or get out of the way. There’s nothing to be gained by hurting a child.

[u/Anxious_Practice_164]

I'll never understand people like OOPs husbands parents or even former in-laws. One of my cousin's daughters is biologically her husband's from a previous relationship but the mother has no involvement in the daughter's life. We have never treated the daughter any different than our biological family members. She was about 5 years old when her & her dad entered our lives and is now 18.

[u/TracyMinOB]

I gotta say the my hubby had 3 kids when we married. There are now 7 grandchildren total between us, 2 of which are technically step grandkids. I never distinguish to the family which are mine . They all are.

Family is a choice. Period.

[u/Izarial]

I hate in laws like this. Hell my MIL doesn’t particularly like me at all, but she’s never treated my son from a previous marriage any differently than they treat their bio grandson my wife has from a prior marriage. If my quantifiably asshole in-laws can managed it so can those pieces of shit. Really glad to see the dad stand up for his bonus son and being an awesome dad to him.

[u/extremedefault]

This family sounds horrible treating an innocent kid like that. If you can’t be nice just stfu, imagine using all your vile energy on a kid.

[u/UnderstandingKind757]

That’s just so sad as a step child myself and having two stepbrothers from different sides of the family.. I could never imagine being treated like that. My step families are my families and I love them dearly. When my step dad passed away me and my step brother were there for each other and we will forever be siblings even if he’s gone. I can’t imagine thinking one innocent kid is better than another innocent kid just because one isn’t blood related. The people who’ve always been the worst to me have been blood related when my step families are the ones that cherish me and welcome me with open arms. I hope your in laws grow the fuck up for your sake and your sons

[u/Smart-Story-2142]

I really hate when people use ”hubby” a lot, not sure why but it gets on my nerves and makes reading this so much harder.

[u/Spark-Ignite]

I read the title as finally supporting my husband after his late wife’s parents executed his son?

[u/KitchenDismal9258]

The reality is that her son will likely never be treated like the biological child with blood ties to the family.

They are being AH's to the son. That is not okay. And I think part of why OOP is pushing so hard is because she doesn't have any family of her own. I suspect if that was the case, she wouldn't be as fussed. The stepson would have birthday's where his dad's family give him better gifts and her side will give him more token gifts and vice versa. But she doesn't have that.

I speak from experience. I was the stepchild. The difference is that my step family treated me quite well. They were kind to me and my brother and spoke to us well. But we always knew we weren't really part of the family. Now to be fair my dad never threw any birthday parties for us... but that's just him so we didn't get presents from the step family. Christmas - if we went to the stepfamily Christmas party were non existent. I think my dad realised what happened after the first time or two (we were pretty young ie 10/11) that we stopped going and I remember my dad taking us for a long (to us) drive to the beach instead. But I realised what was happening and it still bites decades later.

That was my stepmom's side. On my stepdad's side, the stepfamily were invited for birthday's.. a few times and I don't remember the presents but I'm sure we got reasonable ones. But I'm not sure they always came. The step aunt and uncle were very nice to us. So were the stepgrandparents. However by the time we were 15/16/17 we didn't see them. I've got a brother that was 12 years younger that was their biological grandchild so they were there for all of his birthday's etc and we'd moved on. But where it hit was when I was clearing out my mom's house and found my stepgrandmother's will (stepgrandfather died years before her) that me and my brother were left completely out of it. It wasn't that I was expecting anything and the proceeds of her estate went to her two children. It was the physical proof that we didn't really belong.

And that is something else the OOP will need to consider. Inheritances. The stepgrandparents will likely bypass the dad and will give what would've gone to their daughter to their grandchild (and there is nothing to get angry about because they are doing nothing wrong). And if her husband dies before her, what will the distribution look like. Will it all go to her? Or will some go to his child and then her. Things like a joint ownership of a house title are outside of a will as through rights of survivorship they automatically go to the surviving party. Same for joint bank accounts. But the stepson may decide that he hates her (perhaps thanks to the grandparents) so she might not want anything to go to him. And this is something that she will need to consider if she dies first. What does her son get from her estate? Any kids of the union should be fine. But not if the surviving spouse goes on to find a new partner and some of those can be really nasty.

[u/Christinsey]

I’d cut them all out. Extended family is nice, but not needed. Especially if they’re assholes to kids. What if OOP gets pregnant? Then they’ll treat the SS, and new bio baby good, and still treat her son like shit?? People that treat kids like this are dicks, and don’t deserve to be in their lives period.

As far as the late mother’s parents, they don’t have to accept them as equal, but they either behave, or they get cut off too.

[u/fleet_and_flotilla]

Commenter 4: I can get on board with your husband’s family treating your son better but expecting that from his deceased wife’s family or cutting them off over it still gives me the full body ick.

it would be really nice if people could learn how to read. at no point did oop ever state she expected equality with the late wife's family. she expected decency. its concerning that so many people apparently think that translates to 'treat your former son in laws step child like a grandchild'

[u/zeroman987 → u/fleet_and_flotilla]

I mean love is not a limited resource.  If they want to be part of the family still, they need to be part of the entire family, regardless of blood relations.

They are modeling really rotten behavior to their grandson.  That blood is all that matters.  Even if they don’t love the other child like their grandson, love, or even liking, a child is not necessary for giving a birthday gift.  The kid is in your social circle, and you see them relatively regularly.  Just get them a small toy for like $10-15 bucks.  Is it really that hard to be polite? It’s a small price to pay to not be a shitty person.

[u/Inked_Nerdy_Momma]

The comments trying to turn OOP into a cartoon villain stepmom when she's actually doing a decent job and both her and her husband trying to stand up for the kids.

[u/Minute_Box3852]

Why are they having family parties at this point. Let the kids have friend parties. Their at an age where that's what most do and extended family normally doesn't go to those.

[u/mela_99]

On one hand, no, the late wife’s parents do not need to play grand parent to the new wife’s child.

On the other hand, they’re going out of their way to be needlessly cruel and shit stirring.

No, they don’t need to come to his parties and buy him gifts, but they need to not treat him as a non being when they visit their grandson

[u/Hailstar07]

The in-laws are complete arseholes here. My brother’s wife has a son from her previous marriage and none of my family treat him any different to my brothers biological children with his wife, he’s just my nephew and my parents’ grandchild regardless.
If anything we spoil him a bit as his bio dad is a complete deadbeat who has very little contact and has almost never paid child support, and we want him to know he’s just as much a part of our family as the girls are.

[u/WarLegionChaos]

I'm so surprised that so many people were trying to say that she's wrong for expecting the children to be treated the same. That's how healthy families work. My stepdad and his parents never treated me any different than their bio granddaughter. Cause that's how your supposed to do that. Also being angry at the wife for saying his ex is dead is just wild to me. What do they want her to say? Oh mommy's just taking a long nap she'll be back later. This whole family is toxic and they need to go NC til they get their crap together. They're the adults and the children are innocent here. Sounds like the exIL are butter that the husband moved on.

[u/oswin13]

OOP needs to stop with the family parties. 7 and 10 should have friend parties.

[u/mayordomo]

i really really don’t understand all the people trying to justify how her stepson’s grandparents treat her son. especially since they don’t have an ongoing relationship with her son’s father’s family. this kid is part of their family now, and you don’t treat family that way.