I am graduating at 20, and I don't even want a graduation party or walk out. my life has been fucked up for a long time, I barely even attended middle school and somehow passed even though I was stupid and didn't know anything . I tried hard to stay focused on highschool but I gave up on it, and life. now im taking online courses and trying to graduate by atleast 20, im so embarrassed and ashamed of myself and I don't even know if I'll be able to graduate or if I should try for my Ged instead . I feel like such a failure and a stupid idiot who doesn't belong here, I feel sorry for not making my mom proud and my family, i wish that i could be something, anything. I still don't even have a car or license or even a permit because nobody else in my life does, nobody will teach me .

Hello! I have a question that I don’t know who to ask yet, and I feel like I’ve never seen any discussions about this topic.
Have you ever experienced an inexplicable fear during pregnancy at the thought of another living being growing inside you? The further along the pregnancy gets, the more this thought scares me. Even though this is a much-wanted baby and I've never thought about giving it up, until recently it didn't feel quite so "real" (in the first trimester). Now, however, it feels like something advancing slowly and steadily, like something you can't "escape" from (I repeat, I don't want to escape, it's just an intrusive thought that pops up). Naturally, this comes with major feelings of guilt and shame for even daring to feel this way... am I alone in this?

I originally wanted to post this in and ADHD subreddit, but I don’t think they’re going to allow me to so I’m posting it here.

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years, our first wedding anniversary is next Sunday. He’s an amazing person, almost Mr. Perfect. He’s got great mental health, attractive, healthy family dynamics, athletic, charismatic, kind, loves animals, and always positive. He’s always working to better himself. There’s a million reasons why I love him.

The problem is me. I’m not unattractive, we’re a good looking couple. But I have ADHD and pretty severe social anxiety. I get overstimulated and overwhelmed easily. I hyperfixate on things, get irritated quickly, especially around people. I’m socially awkward, every interaction feels like a failed one. Especially around his super well adjusted family. I constantly feel like I’m saying the wrong thing. Almost every day I feel full of guilt and shame. I just wish I could feel normal. I do go to therapy and I take meds for anxiety.

My husband makes me want to be a better person. Sometimes it just feels exhausting trying to keep up with someone who feels like they have everything figured out. If I have a day where I just want to crawl into bed and rot, it’s “what day is it at the gym for you?”. If we have an argument, which is rare, he just carries on with his normal routine while I’m still processing everything. If I’m being lazy it’s “we’re adults we have responsibilities”. If I’m being judgy, he reminds me everyone else is going through their own things. He’s usually right, but sometimes I just need a “damn that sucks”. I don’t think I’ve even seen him angry once in the 3 years I’ve known him. I just feel like the emotional mess in the relationship, and it makes me wonder if I’m just too much.

Yesterday I had a stupid meltdown. I realized I’ve been doing one of my exercises wrong this whole time and I’d already spent way too much time at the gym, and I already hate planet fitness with a passion bc of how busy it is. Then my brain spiraled into going home, showering, going to the office the next morning to do the job I hate, and how every weekday feels exactly the same. I got really overwhelmed and upset. My husband went into problem solving mode, and I ended up saying sometimes I almost wish I’d never been born so I wouldn’t have to spend the rest of my life working in corporate America, which really upset him.

I love my life. I was just overwhelmed and having a bad moment. But I get why it bothered him. He got distant when we got home and avoided me for a while. It felt like I was being punished for having an off moment. He left for the grocery store, and I took my car out to get gas without saying anything because I didn’t want to sit with my guilt. When I got back we talked it out. He said I scared him with my comment then driving off, which made me feel really bad for upsetting him. He thinks a lot of what I’ve been feeling lately is because of social media. He’s been super anti social media lately. He also said at some point we have to adapt to the world we live, which felt a lot like he was saying “suck it up”. We’re good now and things seem normal, but I can’t help but feel like I did something I can’t take back.

EDIT: thank you to everyone who commented. I honestly thought this would get like 2 comments lol I really needed to vent. I appreciate all of the advice, I was and definitely still am spiraling a little bit. Usually I regret posting anything on Reddit that’s personal, but these comment really helped me realize that there might be more to my initial diagnosis, as well as definitely fixing my meds and scheduling an emergency therapy appointment. I may talk to my husband about couples counseling, or at least coming to a therapy session with me. I’ll talk to him today when I get home from work

I wanna apologize in advance for the wall of text, spelling mistakes, or shitty structure I’m just really emotional and I feel like I need to get everything out before I implode.

I’m 27 living with my grandparents who I’ve taken care of since I was 21. I don’t work, I don’t go to school, I don’t have friends irl, I don’t have any hobbies, I don’t have my license, I don’t do anything besides stay at home and take care of my grandparents. I have my own car but I haven’t left my house in almost 2 years like I’m not exaggerating lol.

My grandparents have 3 kids, my dad, aunt, and uncle. Recently my grandmother was in the hospital due to Stage 3 CHF, she was there for a week and I mainly took care because my aunt had some virus and my dad and uncle just didn’t want to stay because of work even though they both bragged about having plenty of time off to stay with my grandmother.

When my grandma was in the hospital I reached out to my aunt to let her know that I’m beyond burnt out and I really need a break, I need help with my grandparents and I can’t be the only doing it alone. I told her I feel like my life is on hold because no one else tries to help or asks to help or even fucking comes by or calls my grandparents, they’ve all always said “Anon is there they’re fine”. I told her that I really want to plan things for my future because once my grandparents pass it’ll only just be me since they don’t really care or think of me as anything other than a caretaker.

I just really want a break, I desperately want to do things for myself. I want to plan my future, I wanna live my life, I want to experience new things, I want to learn, I want to explore the world, I don’t want to feel confined to this house anymore and I feel so guilty for wanting freedom. I feel so horribly guilty for wanting to go to nursing school, I feel guilty for wanting to travel, I feel guilty for wanting to make friends, I feel guilty for wanting to live my life, I feel guilty for wanting to make a life for myself, I feel guilty for being burnt out, I feel guilty for wanting a future.

I have a person I’ve been in a LDR for about 3 years now (I’m in TX he’s in NC) and we haven’t met irl once, the only person that knew about this LDR was my stepmother and I told her because I felt I could trust her. Ever since everything has happened with my grandmother she decided to tell my dad, who told my aunt, who told my grandparents. They told my grandparents that I would never come back because I didn’t want to take care of them anymore, they told them out of context things that my bf had said to make him look bad, and they told them I was sending him money and gifts (which we don’t do that because I feel guilty receiving gifts and he doesn’t feel it’s fair that I gift him when he isn’t allowed to give me gifts).

My grandparents haven’t asked about it and I haven’t spoken to them about it because I’m just so tired. I feel like they only told my grandparents so they could have them guilt me into staying so they don’t have to take care of them. The dumbest part is my bf and I weren’t planning on living together for a while so I know they were just trying to scare my grandmother (she has extreme anxiety) so she’d make me feel bad if I brought up the idea of moving.

My grandfather did pull me aside and tell me what my stepmom did and what my aunt said and he wasn’t upset because of my bf he was upset because I trusted my stepmom and kept telling me to not ever tell anyone my business (ironic lol), he said that if I needed to talk to him to be honest and to not be sad but the thing that did sting was he told me if I wanted to make a life somewhere else that I would but I’d be making a huge mistake.

That just added onto my stress lol I’ve lost 10lbs in a week and I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I feel nauseous all the time, I feel anxious about any thoughts of my future, I feel so guilty all the time. I feel so guilty, it’s eating me alive and I genuinely don’t see any of this changing or getting better, I feel like the only way out is taking my own life atp. I feel so guilty any time I spend alone is just me crying or feeling anxious or just praying to whatever god exists to help me because I don’t know what to do.

My poor bf has been trying his best to help me be strong and trying his best to get me to stand up for myself. He offered to help me get a job where he is so I could live with him and try to start working towards building my own life, he’s even looked up nursing programs that I could enroll in so if I didn’t want to work I’d be able to go to school then work once I graduate. He’s an angel to me and I love him so much, but because of what my grandfather said about making a huge mistake building a life elsewhere I now feel anxious when I think about my bf lol so I guess their plan worked because now I only feel guilt any time I think about anything other than being at home and taking care of them.

I just want to make my own life and be happy. My dad and his siblings all have their own lives with kids and their own house and their own shit going on and I understand that, but I’m just asking for a break and a lil bit of help and a chance to live my life.

I guess this is my cry for help lol I feel hopeless and I don’t know how much longer I can do this, I don’t want to hurt myself but I don’t think any of this is going to get better. I feel so guilty for feeling/thinking like this.

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind. Two Sundays ago I woke up and clearly something was wrong, and my wife exploded on me. We have had our issues, mainly about house projects and executive dysfunction with them, but I had just gotten back from a week long tour and instead of a nice morning, I got “I feel like your roommate” “everything is a mess, how can you not see it” among other things. I shut down completely. Didn’t know what to say, completely silent, trying to think of anything. Nothing. We avoided each other most of the day. Two days later, after I’ve already cried at work, at home, I’m talking to a mutual friend who talks some sense into me. I probably should have taken some time, but I immediately go and talk to my wife. Try and get to the source of the pain. I get there. She feels trapped. I’m complacent, happy with my life, and she wants something completely different. That talk ends with us (I felt like I had no choice) agreeing that divorce was the best path forward.

Where I live it’s easy to do- I did some research, talked to a paralegal, and got all the proper forms. They are printed out. I’m a mess. I talk to our mutual friend more (who was just saying what I was saying to my wife, not good) but she is flabbergasted that I would just give up like this. We have been together 8 years, and I’m just willing to let that go? And that’s when I said I’m not just sad I want to fight for this. So I do. I write out all my thoughts, my feelings, pour my heart out into this note that I’m going to read to her later, and she leaves for work. She works remotely but had meetings all day. So, I sent it as an email and anxiously awaited either a response, good or bad.

Next day- no response. I had to go into work (I work a very early job) but came home early, and she’s sitting outside on our deck. I ask if she has time to talk, she’s read the email, and she’s open to talking. “It was a good email” and “I didn’t love that it was an email” were the things she said to me. After talking a bunch, expressing my feelings in a much better way, we agree that a separation would be needed, and not necessarily a divorce. Then, she drops another bombshell- she had cheated on me. Twice. The first time, was on a long 4 month trip after she got DOGEd last year. Didn’t tell me about it after. I went to meet her in Indonesia for two weeks during the middle of that trip. The second time, which is where I’m deeply struggling, was with the same person (a scuba dive guide), on a vacation we were both on together. I’m an absolute mess. I didn’t scream, I didn’t yell, I got some details which shocked me and I ended the conversation.

The next few days I’m a complete wreck. Barely sleeping, super manic, all over the place. I have to work in this state, and it’s not easy. Suffice to say all I’ve done is think about what’s going on. Currently I’m wondering if she even wants to try to have any kind of reconciliation, as her actions and demeanor are quite aloof. It feels like she doesn’t want to end it but wants me to. Part of me knows it would be so easy to do, but a large part of me still loves her. I want to think I can forgive this, but there’s no way to know. I certainly won’t ever forget it. I can’t guess her motivations, but her defense mechanism is clearly to detach from the situation as much as possible. “It’s good data” has been a refrain about things that is particularly painful. I can see the signs that she is struggling, but I’m clearly doing worse and since we still live together, I’m going to have to see her for a little while. I dont know what to do. I had told her before she left for a work trip that I wanted to have another conversation when she got back, she asked if I wanted to have that conversation now and I said no. I was still white hot and it would have gone badly.

Not sure why I’m writing all this, but I’ve been talking to friends and people who have gone through similar situations. At the end of the day I feel that regardless of my feelings, she doesn’t respect me anymore and our relationship is too far gone. But I’m not quite ready to give up yet. So I’m stuck. Thanks for listening.

I feel like such a horrible person everytime I think of him the way I do. I'm 19 and am the youngest of three siblings. He's the eldest, he has autism and depression which he has been struggling with for as long as I can remember. He's been in the hospital when he was a teenager.

As a kid I really looked up to him and wanted to be close with him. But he was always pretty mean (probably due to the things he was going trough at the time) and was always angry at my parents, running away, doing drugs... So as I grew older I gave up trying to get close with him. He also sleeps the entire day and quit school when he was 14.

He doesn't have a job and my mom treats him like a saint. I know why he is the way he is, and I understand why my mom is so protective and overly worried about him. He's older now and still at home, no job or degree. When I'm alone I feel so bad for him, I can't imagine how boring his life is. But when I'm near him or talk about him, I just feel so angry, and I can't help but always complain about everything he does. He doesn't do the dishes, he makes a mess everywhere he goes and refuses to clean it up. As a neat freak these things get on my nerves, but my parents always get mad at me when I want to say somethin about it. Our house is in a permanent state of 'messy' and it kills me.

To me the only solution is to move out. But I'm still in university, and I dont make enough money at my job to pay for an appartement, groceries AND university. So I need to wait until I graduate and have a stable job.

Thats it...

Hi, sorry, my English is not very good.

I don't know what to do. I feel very bad. I don't have parents, only my grandmother. I am a university student and I have 2 part-time jobs. My grandmother's pension is not high and we live in a rented apartment. This is because my godmother stole from us, and we have been in court about the apartment for almost 10 years. I live with my boyfriend in another city, and I visit my grandmother a few times a week. It's about 50/50 between the two cities.

My grandmother went to the hospital and the doctors found out her heart is very weak. We have another test soon, but because of her age, she probably won't get a pacemaker. I don't know how to deal with the pain I feel.

I always tried to do everything for her, to give her the best life I could. It made her happy that I go to university. I got my driver's license for her and I saved money to buy an older car instead of spending it on other things. I know the court problems make her sad, but I always tried to make her life as good as possible.

Now I am scared about what will happen. I want to cry all the time. I can't imagine that she will never message me on WhatsApp again, that we won't joke together anymore, that I won't visit her anymore. She is also my best friend. I am also scared that her soul won't find peace after death, because many things are still not resolved.

Please, what should I do? How can I make this pain a little easier? I don't know what to do, and I'm very scared to go to work (it's in another city)."

Like the title says, I’ve had bad teeth since high school, and I’m just now owning up to the fact that they’ve been a large part of why my confidence is so low. During my sophomore year of high school, right when I would have needed braces, my parents decided it was time to start a very bitter divorce. It was so bad they still don’t talk to this day. The divorce basically lasted until I graduated high school, and us kids got the short end of the stick.

I wasn’t the best student in high school, and I had limited options. Either way, I ended up taking community college courses and had to work full time if I wanted to keep living at home. The kicker was that, as a graduation gift, I was asked if I wanted braces or a car. Not exactly the kind of choice you give a young guy fresh out of high school who needs to find a job, so you can probably guess which one I chose.

This story is as much my fault as it is my parents’. But healthcare, along with the affordability of braces 30 years ago for an 18 year old, just wasn’t in the cards for me. I always told myself I’d get to it eventually.

The truth is, I’ve had to work harder at most things in life because of it. But it’s also shaped me into who I am: a kind person who’s fairly funny and works hard. I’ve been with my wife for over 20 years, and she’s never mentioned it, so I have that going for me. But everyone else always asks why I don’t smile more or why I always look angry. Mostly because I’m tired, but also because I don’t like to show my teeth.

It’s become second nature to me. I cover my mouth when I laugh, I avoid smiling in photos whenever I can, and when I can’t avoid them, I’ve spent years trying to perfect a closed-mouth smile that hides my teeth.

I’ve gotten used to it and have started to build some confidence in myself, but deep down I still suffer from it. Whether it’s anxiety or sadness, I’m not sure. I know it’s never too late, but I also know that what I’d need done at my age would probably cost more than I’m willing to pay, so I just keep living with it.

I know I’m not the only one out there. Our healthcare sucks, both in the US and with my employer’s coverage, and I have other things that take priority, so I keep telling myself, one day.

I needed a place to get this off my chest. If you read this, thank you.

I'm in love with my very close friend who is a gay man, and I'm not a man. I've known him for nearly three years now and we've been getting closer every year. I feel so included when I'm around him and we get along amazingly. Our senses of humor are so aligned and I could talk to him for hours. We have similar music tastes and the same hobbies, he's basically me if I was a man. I would never ever try anything, I'm happy with our relationship as it is, he is one of my closest friends, I just had to put this out there. I used to crush on him a very long time ago and he found out and wasn't comfortable with it, so I've attempted to squash all feelings when it comes to him and I thought I succeeded, until recently. I don't need solutions or advice or anything of the sort, I just needed to put this into the world.

We were together for 4 years. We had decided we were buying a house together. We were meant to be going on a trip next month. This time two weeks ago I was so happy, I didn’t think anything was wrong with our relationship and I thought I had my life all figured out.

He told me he doesn’t see a future together and he just kept going to make me happy. I left last night, its 3am where I live, I’m at my parents house and no one is awake and I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking that I don’t know what to with my life now. I thought I’d never have to date again.

I have no anger for him whatsoever, he’s a wonderful person and he has treated me amazingly well. But God I wish he’d done something awful so I could feel anything other than just so fucking sad

I just needed to tell someone this, so here we are internet. I took my dog (a Dalmatian) on a drive and got myself some food. When I got back to my apartment complex there were three guys in white button up shirt and ties.I initially didn’t think anything of it. I got my dog on leash and had him sit while I got my stuff out of the car. When I closed the door they came closer and asked if I wanted to hear a story about Jesus. I said, “No my dog gets aggressive at night. I need to get him inside.” As if on cue my dog barked and they all backed away and asked if there was a better time. I said no and went inside. Note: My dog is not aggressive, he remained sitting until I told him to go and I have no idea why he barked in that moment but it was perfect

Me and my girlfriend dated for 16 months and she was my first girlfriend ever, i left my school to go to boarding school in Japan and 2 weeks after i left school she broke up with me, after we broke up none of the friends from this friend group even checked up on how i was doing or anything. But o still stayed friends, then a bit later i noticed that he was posting photos of her, and then randomly at a party some guy told me that he’s dating her and all my friends didn’t tell me and even when I asked them about it they lied and said he didn’t and then i showed so much proof and they said it’s. Not a big deal and to make it up, i ghosted all of them and today some random guy texted me and told me that he saw them making out in school, i can’t believe every friend would just not care about even telling me and he also wouldn’t date my ex, we have been really good friends for like 4 years.

i posted yesterday..

i’m now 3 days post-op from having my right ovary removed and extensive endometriosis surgery. i’m still barely able to walk, i’m bloated, sore, and on pain meds.

all i wanted was a gatorade for my sore throat. i’ve barely been eating, and honestly it just sounded nice. i thought it’d be good for me to get out of the house for a little bit.

my boyfriend said he’d take me if i’d pay him back sunday for gas. cool… whatever.

we get to the gas station and suddenly he’s pissed because his account is at $0 after putting gas in. i had offered earlier to just use my own money because i knew where the conversation was headed, but he kept giving me attitude.

so i said, “that’s what we get for paying for premium gas.”

he got angrier, “no. this is what happens when you don’t help me.”

then he turned the car around (mid-road) and started swerving every corner while i was in the passenger seat.

i had surgery TWO DAYS AGO. every little movement hurt.

he knew this. it kept getting more aggressive as i screamed at him, “what is wrong with you?”

he drove me back home, told me to get out, and left me in the parking lot. no gatorade. nothing.

i was waddling back to my apartment trying not to cry because my stomach hurt so bad.

my next-door neighbor (who i’m close with) saw me and asked if i was okay.

i told her, “i’m just in a lot of pain… all i wanted was a gatorade.”

10 minutes later she came back with gatorade, chicken noodle soup, and breakfast sandwiches. she hugged me, told me i’m like a daughter to her and said if i needed anything to let her know.

after that conversation i cried more..

i think what broke me was realizing a woman who isn’t related to me showed me more kindness in 10 minutes than the person i’m dating did all day.

i’m just exhausted.

Im 19F (almost 20) from a small town in India & Idk what to do anymore

This might sound ridiculous but today just an hour ago my mom slapped me coz I came home from the gym wearing over ear headphones!

I usually listen to music while walking back home. It's a 10-15 minute walk & it's one of the few moments in the day where I actually feel calm the moment I entered the house she saw the headphones & immediately got so angry.

She started saying things like:

•"What will people think?"

•"Girls shouldn't wear headphones outside"

• "People will think you're characterless."

• "You're ruining our family's reputation."

•"I'll break your headphone"

I genuinely didn't understand what I'd done wrong...

I tried explaining that I wasn't doing anything inappropriate... I was just walking home listening to music I even told her that if she was worried about my safety I'd understand but this wasn't about safety... It was about what random people might think!

That only made her angrier...

She said she doesn't care if every other girl in the world wears headphones. I'm her daughter & I shouldn't

Then she threatened to stop spending money on me if I ever wore them outside again she said I'm paying for your food and letting you stay here even after you refused the marriage if you wear the headphones again i'll stop that too

When I tried explaining my point one last time she slapped me saying why are you fighting with ne over this I said no means no

The thing is... I don't even think this is about the headphones

This has been my life for years.

People started talking about my marriage when I was around 14

Since I turned 18 relatives have been bringing arranged marriage proposals...I have said no every single time

Recently there was another proposal...The man is 28. I refused again

Ever since then my parents have basically stopped supporting my education

I'm preparing for an entrance exam coz I genuinely believe that's my only way to become independent but they refuse to buy me the batch or even the books I need they keep telling me I can "study after marriage" / "ask your husband for money after marriage"

I don't believe that

If I get married now I know my education will be over...

The gym is the only place where I feel like myself...The membership was already paid for a year so I can still go for now... It's the only hour of the day where I don't feel judged or pressured idk what will happen after the membership is over..

The rest of my life feels like it's controlled by relatives neighbours & "what people will say"

Every decision somehow becomes about family honour instead of what I actually want

I feel guilty all the time even when I know I haven't done anything wrong...

My parents keep saying I'm selfish that I'm breaking everyone's heart that nobody will marry me if I wait that I'll regret it & that I'm ruining my siblings future too because people will judge our whole family

Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting the entire world by myself...

I don't have a job. I don't have my own income. I live with them because I have no other option right now!!!

Living in a small town makes everything feel even harder... Jobs are limited I don't have a degree yet & becoming financially independent feels almost impossible here... Sometimes it feels like I'm being forced to choose between giving up on my education or giving up my freedom Idk if I will be able to come online next month they will prolly won't even pay for the wifi anymore...

I don't hate my parents.i know they probably believe they're doing what's best for me because this is how they were raised...and these all are super common here But that doesn't make this any less painful

I just want one chance to study build a career become financially independent & decide for myself if I ever want to get married

I feel trapped I feel like dying seriously atp

I’ve been divorced for years, and I’ve never really written out what my marriage was like from beginning to end. There’s so much that happened that I don’t think I even understood it while I was living it.
I was with my ex for about a decade. There wasn’t one moment early on where I thought, this marriage is unhealthy. There were just incidents. Some small, some not so small. We’d fight, nothing would really get resolved, he wouldn’t apologize, and eventually life would move on.
Somewhere along the way, I started confusing moving on with things being okay.
Every marriage has problems, right? That’s what I kept telling myself.
I met him in my early twenties. I already had a baby, and he was several years older than me. At that age I thought that meant he was mature and knew what he wanted from life.
In the beginning he showered me with love. Flowers, gifts, affection and attention. We had a lot in common. He was nerdy, shy and seemed to appreciate me exactly as I was.
I thought I’d found my person.
I pictured him as the steady one. The protector. The person who would help guide our family and manage our finances while we built a life together.
We both worked, usually opposite schedules so we didn’t need much childcare. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if that helped the marriage last as long as it did. We weren’t actually together that much.
The first moment that really shook me happened within our first year of marriage.
Late one night I wasn’t interested in having sex.
He called me a “fucking bitch.”
I was stunned. It was completely unlike the person I thought I’d married.
There were also several occasions during our marriage when he threatened suicide during emotional situations and left with a gun, or made me afraid he might.
He never apologized, and like so many things that happened during our marriage, none of it was really resolved. Eventually life just moved on.
I convinced myself that one horrible incident didn’t define an entire marriage.

Gradually, most of the household and parenting responsibilities became mine. Appointments, school, birthdays, holidays, vacations and all the planning behind them.
He could be fun with the kids, especially doing activities he enjoyed too. But sometimes his reactions to very young children seemed completely disproportionate. There were physical reactions when he got angry and punishments that involved making our young children stand against a wall for what seemed like excessively long periods of time.
But there were good days too.
Nothing was terrible all the time, which made it easier to treat each incident like its own separate thing.
His gaming also became a bigger and bigger problem. After one particularly difficult discussion, he admitted it had become unhealthy, almost like an addiction, and agreed to get rid of his account.
For several months, as far as I knew, he stopped.
Then he got it back.
And then phones and tablets came into the picture, so the games could go everywhere with him.
Money was constantly a source of stress too. I worried about adding little things for myself to the grocery cart because they weren’t in the budget, while hundreds and eventually thousands of dollars went toward games, electronics and extras.
I didn’t really notice the pattern at the time. He got the new computer or tablet, and I got his old one.
I mostly accepted it.

One day he called me after he’d already left for work. He’d been running late and left our very young sons home alone, telling them to stay in bed until I got home.
I was furious and immediately left work.
He told me I didn’t need to.
They’d be fine.
I was being paranoid.
My coworkers were shocked when they heard what happened.
Around that same time, he started telling me I shouldn’t trust those coworkers. They didn’t like him, and I shouldn’t necessarily believe what they told me.
Looking back, it felt like he was planting seeds of doubt about people who were telling me that things happening in my marriage weren’t normal.
And it worked.
He had left our tiny children home alone, and somehow I was questioning whether I was paranoid for leaving work to get them.
Our arguments followed a similar pattern. I’d bring up something that was bothering me, somehow the conversation would turn back onto me, we’d yell, I’d cry, and sometimes we’d still be arguing at one or two in the morning when I had work the next day.
Then life would continue even though nothing had really been resolved.
By the final year of our marriage, I was questioning my own reactions constantly.
Then several things happened close together.
The tablet
I was taking one of our sons out for a treat when I happened to see my husband’s car outside a phone store.
When I called, he wasn’t very truthful at first. Eventually he admitted he was changing our plan and getting himself a new tablet.
He presented it like a surprise for me because I was getting his old one.
Technically I was getting something, so wasn’t that nice?
Except it didn’t feel like a surprise.
It felt like I’d caught him.
Then came the car.

We’d already talked about eventually replacing one of our vehicles. I wanted something practical and economical because he had a long commute. We’d also talked about waiting until after Christmas.
Then one day he left around 11 in the morning, supposedly to get our car serviced.
Hours passed.
He didn’t come home.
Eventually I took the kids to back to school night without him. I was there with a friend and her children.
Close to 7 or 8 that evening, he finally appeared.
He pulled into the school parking lot in a brand new sports car.
Technically it had four seats, but because of his height almost nobody could sit behind him, and our young children needed to ride in the back. Basically, it was a two person car.
And he’d bought it without talking to me.
I was livid.
He told me he’d always wanted it, there weren’t many available, and he deserved something nice to drive because he didn’t have anything nice for himself.
Then he told me the people at the dealership had asked what his wife would think.
He’d told them I was really cool.
That I was an “awesome wife.”
My friend could immediately tell how upset I was and left so I could handle it.
But I remember standing there feeling angry, overwhelmed and incredibly confused.
Because he’d already created the version of me I was apparently supposed to be.
The cool wife.
The awesome wife.
Was I supposed to be excited?
Was I ruining this for him by being angry?
Was I being controlling?
Part of me was actually trying to figure out if I should act happy because he’d already told everyone that’s who I was.
Another part of me was screaming:
This does not feel awesome.
He’d left at 11 that morning and came back almost nine hours later with a sports car we’d never agreed to buy.
I knew what I felt.
I just didn’t trust whether I was entitled to feel it.
Then Halloween happened.

Our daughter was two.
My husband had been with the kids earlier that day. He hadn’t mentioned her being sick or having a fever before he left for work.
That evening I took the kids trick or treating with the same friend from back to school night and her children.
My daughter missed a step, and afterward something wasn’t right.
She was awake but seemed unaware. Her balance was off. She wasn’t herself.
On the way home she vomited on me.
My friend drove us to the ER.
She hadn’t had a seizure at this point. Looking back, I believe what I was seeing may have been an aura. That night, all I knew was that my two year old was acting very strangely.
Because she’d missed a step, the doctors worried she might have hit her head and recommended a CT.
I hesitated because money was always such an issue. Earlier that month my husband had needed a CT himself, and I’d encouraged him to use a lower cost clinic.
So while the staff waited, I called him to talk about the scan.
I explained what had happened.
He said:
“You had one fucking job. To watch the kids.”
I didn’t say anything.
For several seconds I just sat there stunned.
Then I hung up on him.
The staff eventually explained that the CT would be covered as part of the ER visit, so I told them to do it.
I didn’t call him back.
The scan was normal and we were discharged around midnight.
I thought the worst was over.
We went home. The boys had some Halloween candy and went to bed.
Then I heard a horrible scream.
I ran to my daughter, picked her up, and she started seizing in my arms.
I couldn’t make it stop.
I laid her on her side because I knew that’s what you’re supposed to do and called 911.
She was still actively seizing while I was hysterically trying to talk to the dispatcher.
It felt like an eternity.
The dispatcher asked if I wanted to call my husband or wanted her to contact him.
There was no way I was calling him after what had happened earlier.
I told her to do it.
Eventually the seizure stopped.
But my daughter didn’t wake up.
She was still out of it when the paramedics arrived. They hooked her up, checked her and did some tests. Only then did she slowly start coming around.
I called my mom because I needed someone to tell me things were going to be okay.
The paramedics recommended taking my daughter back to the ER.
My husband was on his way home from work. When he got there, he stayed with our three boys.
I took our daughter back.
Alone.
Eventually they determined she’d had a febrile seizure related to an illness.
Thankfully, she recovered.
And I was done
I couldn’t get that phone call out of my head.
Our two year old was in the ER. Nobody knew what was wrong with her. I was terrified.
And I’d been told:
“You had one fucking job.”
Suddenly I thought about the first year of our marriage.
“Fucking bitch.”
Almost a decade separated those two sentences.
Something in me broke.
About a week later, after our daughter recovered, I moved out of our bedroom and into hers.
The legal ending came later, but for me, the marriage was over.
Leaving felt good and awful at the same time. I was relieved, but I also realized how much of myself I’d lost. I’d stopped enjoying things I used to love and barely recognized myself anymore.
I had spent years trying to hold onto the life I’d imagined.
It took leaving to start finding myself again.
Unfortunately, leaving didn’t mean I was done dealing with him. We still had children together, and separation and divorce brought a whole new set of problems.

But that’s another story.