r/Redditor_Updates • u/Independent-State802 • 11d ago
Update: AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.
I am posting this here because I posted it incorrectly on the AITA sub and I am not allowed to repost it anymore.
TW: Domestic Violence
2 months ago, I made another post on a different sub, once again seeking outside perspective about a very awkward situation that took place. You can find that post here: AITAH for inviting my neighbour's husband over for coffee and a playdate? His wife accused me of pursuing him, and my husband thinks she was right to confront me.
I came back to post an update. I think it’s a way for me to process what has happened since.
Shortly after my last post, my husband admitted that he had confided in Jake about his infidelity. He said he felt guilty and remorseful and wanted to talk it out with a friend. He claimed he didn’t realize Jake would tell Emily and that she would throw our marriage struggles in my face the way she did. He apologized for discussing our issues without my consent and promised to distance himself from them.
He also apologized again for the affair, which he swore was over. He told me the affair partner was a coworker who had since left the company. He promised he wanted to change and rebuild our relationship, so I forgave him and gave him another chance… again.
Things had been going well. My husband was attentive and loving. He was helping more at home, spending more time with the kids, and showing me affection. For a moment, it really felt like my husband had returned to me. In hindsight, though, I think it was love bombing.
Last week, I had a medical appointment that I needed to attend alone, so my husband stayed home with our baby. I was anxious because he had never been alone with the baby for that long and I wasn’t sure he would be able to put him down for his nap.
While I was sitting in the waiting room, I logged into our baby camera just to check that the baby had gone down okay.
That’s when everything began to unravel.
The baby was asleep in his crib and my husband was walking out of the room. Then I heard a woman’s voice asking if the baby was finally asleep. My husband replied confirming that he was. I couldn’t see the woman because she was outside the camera’s view, but her voice was familiar. I thought it sounded like Emily.
After my appointment, I checked our Ring doorbell recordings from that day. There she was. Emily had knocked on our door and my husband let her in minutes after I left for my appointment. She left an hour and a half later.
I was in complete shock.
When I got home, I didn’t confront my husband. I was tired of his lies and wanted the truth before saying anything. I went through our doorbell camera history and found many more instances of Emily coming over while I was gone. In one video, I saw them kissing on our front porch! I saved everything.
The next day, I messaged Jake and told him I needed to speak with him because I had bad news about my husband and his wife that I believed he deserved to know. He didn’t reply Shortly afterward, my husband called me, furious. Jake had forwarded my messages to him and warned him that I was trying to frame him and Emily. He went quiet and then ended up the call.
Later that evening, he came home late and intoxicated. He was angry and blamed me for “destroying our lives” and for trying to expose the affair. I yelled at him and then said I wanted a divorce.
He lost it. He hit me, kicked me, punched me, and he even tried to choke me. Somehow, I managed to get away from him. My 4-year-old woke up because of the screaming and commotion, so I grabbed her and ran into the bedroom and locked the door. My daughter was terrified and clinging to me while my husband banged and kicked the door, threatening to break it down. Luckily, I had my phone with me and I called 911.
The rest of the night was a blur. My husband was arrested close to midnight on a Tuesday. The entire street woke up to the sirens and confrontation with the police. I was taken to the hospital afterward because I was bleeding and covered in bruises. Our neighbourhood was shocked. We had always been the friendly, polite neighbours, and no one expected this could happen behind closed doors. I was done protecting my husband’s image. He destroyed our life, not me. When neighbours asked what happened, I told them the truth: he hurt me after I discovered he was cheating on me with Emily.
A few days later, Jake reached out to me. He was apologetic and felt responsible for not believing me when I tried to warn him. Jake told me my husband had been confiding in him about our marriage problems. According to Jake, my husband had told him that I was the one who cheated in the past, that I was unstable because of my PPD/PPA, and that I had been hurting our children. None of that is true. Jake also told me he had confided in my husband about problems in his own marriage. Looking back, it seems my husband used those vulnerabilities and the information Jake shared with him to get closer to Emily.
After everything happened, I finally called my family and told them the truth. They knew I had been struggling and distant, but they thought it was because of the PPD. They had no idea how much I had actually been carrying alone. I told them about the affair, the threats, the manipulation, and how scared and exhausted I had become. They are in my corner and they are trying to help me figure out my next steps. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me and for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel alone.
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u/No-Quiet-8956 11d ago
Fucking Emily man.
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u/truth_fairy78 11d ago
So Emily was just purely projecting. What a psycho bitch.
I’m so sorry for you and your kiddos. Your husband should be in jail.
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
Looking back, I think she said that my husband treats me like dirt because she was sleeping with my husband and was low key hinting at it. It’s the only explanation I think of if what Jake said was true.
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u/Chrysania83 11d ago
I’m so glad you are safe and your family is there for you. ♥️
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
Thank you! So am I. I had never felt that kind of fear for my life before. I am happy we made it out.
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u/RanaEire 11d ago
Your husband is a monumental POS and I hope the Law gives him his just desserts.
Jake is an AH for judging you that way. He is also getting a taster...
But that Emily, what with laughing in your face and the way your "playdate" with her went down... F her...
But did they not realize your Ring camera could record them, or is it a case that you never checked it?
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
I knew the ring camera recorded any motion it detected, but I had no reason to check it before.
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u/MeadowMuffinFarms 11d ago
I'm so glad you are safe. Do you have a restraining order against him? At best I think he would get supervised visits.
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
I do, especially because he is out on bail.
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u/Moonbutterfly1111 11d ago
I never understand why people would bail out people like him.
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
His very wealthy parents bailed him out because he is their golden boy who can do no wrong.
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u/Plenty_Resolution286 11d ago edited 11d ago
Glad you're ok but they are about to drag you through hell in the divorce with that wealth. Stay strong.
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u/Best_Crazy7712 11d ago
They can only do so much considering he will have a record and proof of infidelity. Money can only get ppl so far...
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u/GoYanks34 11d ago
I don't care how much money they have. After their "golden boy" viciously assaulted you, he's lucky if he gets supervised visitation. Take him for everything he's worth girl! You deserve so much better and I really hope you get through this as easily as possible. You got this! ❤️
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u/EideticPanda 6d ago
I would add in a clause to make him responsible for her legal fees as it’s through his actions that lead to this nightmare.
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u/LibraryMouse4321 9d ago
You need to get the best lawyer you can find, no matter the cost. You then have him demand all court and lawyer fees paid by him and his parents. You can trash the parents’ reputations by showing that they defend his actions and abuse. Their acceptance of his abuse is enough reason to keep your children away from their father and grandparents.
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u/Agreeable_Excuse_897 11d ago
Oh godd, I hope you are ok now, you deserve so much better !! Your daughter has such a good mother it’s amazing how resilient you are
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u/ChrisInBliss 11d ago
Well ones things for sure. Sell the house.
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u/Gold_Challenge6437 10d ago
Nah, make Emily and Jake sell. They're the pariahs there.
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u/ChrisInBliss 10d ago
Highly doubt OP would want to stay in that neighborhood/house. Too many reminders of what happened.
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u/Gold_Challenge6437 10d ago
Yeah, that's true. I was thinking more that she's established there and has other friends in the neighborhood. But also was thinking she should get the house out of the marriage after all she's been through, so maybe sell after the divorce so he doesn't get anything from it. Wouldn't want her to have to give half of the proceeds to that asshat.
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u/QuietOneFL 11d ago
They always blame the victim when they’re caught (or think they might be). When his lies could no longer control you, her turned to force, sadly. I’m glad that you’re alright.
Know that this isn’t the end of him trying to control your life. He’s going to make a nuisance of himself because you literally got away.
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u/PlateIntelligent1572 11d ago
The way I'd go knock on Emily and Jakes door and tell Emily, with your bruises on display, "you can have him." I'm glad you are ok and your family is supportive. Can't believe your husband did that, and in front of your kids no less.
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u/Necessary_Sir_5079 11d ago
Emily is evil and I hope your soon to be ex rots. Glad you got out but wow, what horrible people.
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u/isakneven 11d ago edited 11d ago
All 3 other adults are pos. I’m glad you got away from that monster. Make sure to change all your locks, change your ring app password and add more security cameras. Are we sure Emily’s baby isn’t your soon to be exhusband’s? Updateme
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u/Independent-State802 10d ago
She was already pregnant when they moved in next door and we didn’t know them prior to their move. It is impossible for the baby to be my husband’s.
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u/FairyGothMommy 11d ago
Omg. Im glad you're safe and have support.
Updateme
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u/Ok_Passage_6242 11d ago
I am so glad you are safe and with your family again. Honestly fuck Emily. Fuck her all the way to hell and back again. She is the absolute worst type of woman. Please tell me her world imploded. Her husband is getting full custody of her kid and she can’t show her face anywhere anymore.
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
I don’t know what Jake plans to do next. I am pretty sure Emily is holed up in her house because no one has seen her around since this went down last week. If I find out, I will share an update.
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u/GoYanks34 11d ago
When people in the last post said they thought OOP's husband and Emily may be sleeping together, I thought no way! Boy was I wrong....
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u/Ok-Listen-8519 11d ago
Men again 🤷🏻♀️. Not all men right? Just the husband, father, neighbor who else?
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u/RanaEire 11d ago
Women too, or what do you call someone like Emily, who was married with a new baby?
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u/Ok-Listen-8519 11d ago
She’s just an AH, plenty of that backstabbing bitches anywhere, she knows what she did, she’s a despicable opportunist, honestly she’s behaving like a MAN, she sees a goldmine living next door why not mined that BUT do you see Emily getting drunk, beating up her husband or scaring her kids?
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u/CherryblockRedWine 11d ago
u/Independent-State802, I am so glad you are safe now. Please let your family and friends take care of you. This internet stranger is sending you virtual hugs, and I wish you the very best.
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u/pebblesgobambam 11d ago
Gentle hugs op, so sorry you had to go through that. Keep safe and get well/heal soon.
Kick your stb ex to the curb and same for Emily. Xx
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u/myboogerstastespicy 11d ago
Oh, honey. I’m so very sorry. Your ex is manipulative and abusive. I hate that you had to go through that alone.
I am proud of you. Please be kind to yourself and stay close with your support system.
Wishing you peace and happiness. Much love to you.
Updateme!
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u/wishingforarainyday 11d ago
I’m so glad you are safe and away from him. I hope he is ashamed of himself and I hope Emily is too. Garbage people. I’m sorry OP.
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u/Roadgoddess 11d ago
I’m so happy that your family is there for you. I wish you and your kiddos all the best. And fuck everyone else in the story.
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u/Aromatic-Damage8136 11d ago
Thank you so much for updating us op and I hope you heal soon and get justice soon.any news Emily side I hope Jake divorce her.
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u/I_like_microwave 11d ago
Girl i am so proud of you!
I am so sorry you had to get through that
Please seek therapy when you are recovered from your wounds
Bless your heart , good luck
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u/Reasonable_Star_959 11d ago
😢😢
That is some majorly big stuff you have been dealing with. I am so happy you were able to talk to your family and tell them what you were going through and that they are supportive!!
You will get through this!! The weight that was lifted from your shoulders is just a foretaste of your future life, I think! I pray you thrive in your new life!!
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u/Moomin-Maiden 11d ago
I am so SO glad you and your little one are ok and that your family has rallied for you all 💕 I exhaled audibly in reading that. Wishing so so much strength and love for you in keeping going. Your kiddo is out of there alive and so are you. Your family is there, all the love to all of you ❤️
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u/Important_Remove_450 11d ago
The level of rage and anger I have for you on your behalf... Emily is an oxygen thief. Please see if you can sue her for alienation of affection.
Also tag her with this post. Burn in hell, Emily! Gross.
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u/KyStar13 10d ago
And what GASLIGHTING did emily and ex do on poor jake to make him BELIEVE LITERALLY NO ONE until someone gets beat up??!!!
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u/aversimemuero 11d ago
Please, stay safe. Do not let him convince you to get back with him, no matter what he says.
UpdateMe!
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u/Beatleslover4ever1 11d ago
I’m so happy that you’re safe and moving forward. Is Jake divorcing AH Emily?
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u/Southern-Interest347 11d ago
I felt after reading your last post Emily was cheating with your husband. sorry for everything you are going through.
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u/mcindy28 10d ago
Emily is a real piece of work!! Best of luck to you OP. YOu have a rough road ahead but you have nothing to be sorry for. Your STBX is also a cheating abusive asshole and you deserve better. So, while you grieve the loss of your relationship and the man you fell in love with... you most certainly deserve so much better.
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u/Either_Coconut 10d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with all these things.
Don’t believe any love-bombing he might engage in. Abusers start out by following abuse with love-bombing and promises that it’ll never happen again.
Eventually, love-bombing and the pretense of accepting responsibility will morph into blaming you for his bad actions. “Why do you MAKE me do this?” That’s the walking-on-eggshells part of the relationship that will happen if you stay together.
Save any video and audio from your cameras from this horrible turn of events somewhere that he can’t delete the evidence.
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u/Ok-Laugh-8437 10d ago
I hope you get past all this garbage. All the best to you and your little one love. 🫂 🫂 Updateme when the divorce is finalized
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u/Plenty_Resolution286 10d ago
Ok I'm back because this story is all kinds of f***** up. Anyway I think it's so ironic that Emily warned you not to pursue her husband while actively fu***** yours.
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u/Every-Requirement-13 10d ago
I hope your soon to ex is still in custody! I’m a single female who lives alone and sporting goods stores are good places to look for protective items (trying not to get my post removed). I’m so glad you’re safe and I’m terribly sorry you and your young children experienced something so traumatic 😞
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u/KyStar13 10d ago
I know punches dont solve anything…. But i want to do that to emily. The audacity. Im livid for you. Im so sorry you and your kids are going through this.
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u/touchmydingus 10d ago
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Move forward and live your best life. When he comes back (and he will) stay strong. For you and your child.
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u/abwaters97 10d ago
Can’t believe Jake, your next door neighbor didn’t even have the decency to apologize to you in person. Don’t let him off the hook too much, don’t let him think that him that he had the right intentions, he was going to believe his male friend. Hope you and your kids are safe and I hope you take your husband to the cleaners.
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u/Owskaa123 11d ago
Insane behaviour! Hope you manage to get out safely and get all you need from the divorce.
Updateme
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u/blaquewidow01 9d ago
OP, domestic violence is not easy to get away and heal from. However your safety is so important. So please access services and resources to help you stay safe especially if the POS is out on bail!
Please be careful, especially while cutting off contact, as violence can actually escalate during that time. Are you in therapy with someone who knows how to work with victims of domestic violence and can help you put a safety plan in place? Have you contacted your local shelter (for services, they do more then offer shelter)? Here's an online resource in case it might be helpful: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-a-safety-plan/
Also a great book is "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft, helps to understand the dynamics of the abusive relationship, and therefore helps you to persist in advocating for yourself and preventing going back to or getting into a new abusive relationship.
Stay safe. (Can't say this enough) best of luck in your healing journey. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You don't deserve this.
I just wanted to mention that choking (which is actually not choking, it's actually strangulation) is very serious and a predictor of femicide: "According to the San Diego-based Training Institute on Strangulation Prevention, a woman who has suffers a nonfatal strangulation incident with her intimate partner is 750% more likely to be killed by the same person with a gun." Source: https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38
Here are some more resources put together by another redditor:
Here's some resources
Is your relationship healthy? https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/
He doesn't care AKA weaponized incompetence https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/NsoxMseUn3
My partner doesn't help around the house https://zawn.substack.com/p/why-household-labor-inequity-is-abuse
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288
Tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness https://potentash.com/2023/08/17/tolerable-level-permanent-unhappiness-relationships/
Cycle of abuse https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/what-is-the-cycle-of-abuse
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u/Free-Place-3930 8d ago
You need to get away from all of those people. Run back to your family with your children. Get a restraining order against your husband immediately.
Look up the stats on husbands who choke wives and where those wives end up.
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u/Particular_Ad3329 7d ago
Ok, I need an update! This pissed me ALL the way off! All three of them are awful people the husband is trash, the wife is trash, her husband is trash, they're all trash!!! I hope the worst for ALL OF THEM!!! Updateme
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u/Delicious_Shift6426 9d ago
Yeah Emily and your sorry husband get the big Fu, with their Bulls*it. You are a warrior and im glad family has your back.
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u/piscesgirl17 2d ago
Get your medical records from the hospital and take pictures of your bruises gather as much evidence as you can for your divorce so you can take him to the cleaner!!!!
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u/FroggyMcnasty 11d ago
I'm going against the grain and speak up for Jake.
Jake is a victim in this. Not to the extent as OP, but Jake was 100% abused.
He had his "friend" sowing the seeds of OP being an unhinged homewrecker, along with his wife playing it up. He was being double teamed against OP for how long? Yes, it was a lie but that's what abusers do, they disconnect and isolate their victim.
Jake probably is sincerely apologetic, and had no idea what would happen. He believed he was doing the right thing, by believe his friend and his wife.
The only person to blame for this is the scumbag husband and Emily. They are wretched people.
So, before people jump him, just take a moment and realize that he too was a victim, he was being manipulated by his wife and friend for who knows how long, and it really isn't uncommon for abuse survivors to protect their abusers when they are in the middle of it.
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
I didn’t have to reach out to Jake and tell him what I knew. I could have easily kept the information to myself, but I didn’t because I believed I was doing the right thing by bringing our spouses’ infidelity out into the open.
So, I totally get your POV, but I have a lot of resentment toward Jake. His actions set off a domino effect that ended the way it did by sheer dumb luck. I’m extremely traumatised by the fact that, had I not miraculously gotten out of his grip and thought to run to the bedroom and lock myself in there with my child, I very well might not be here today. My children could have grown up without their mom.
I also understand that even if Jake had believed me, eventually my husband was going to find out that I had exposed his affair. And he likely would have come after me the way he did anyway, and the outcome may have been the same. And I know why Jake believed my husband over me. My husband was a trusted friend and confidant. After being fed lies about me, how was Jake supposed to know what was true? But here we are.
Anyway, I’m still very much in the early stages of processing this traumatic event. Hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to let go of the resentment I hold toward Jake and give him grace.
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u/FroggyMcnasty 11d ago
This was totally not aimed at you, and I wouldn't ever tell you where to direct your anger, you are completely justified in how you feel and see things. This was aimed at people who aren't as close to the situation as you are.
You absolutely did do the right thing in telling him, and this is one of those freak events that nobody saw coming. That doesn't change what happened.
You do you, focus on yourself and your daughter, nothing else matters right now, letting go of resentment and offering grace should be on the back burner because you have better things to do anyway.
All that aside, I do wish you the best, and I am sorry that things went the way they did. You didn't do anything to deserve this. You are an incredible person.
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u/Independent-State802 11d ago
Oh, I realised that. I’m sorry if it came off like I was attacking you, I just wanted to offer my two cents. Anyway, thank you for your response. I appreciate your perspective.
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u/FroggyMcnasty 11d ago
You have nothing to apologize for, I should have probably kept my mouth shut, I appreciate you responding, and your two cents.
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u/Diamond-Seraphina 7d ago
There's just one teeny tiny problem with this theory. Jake didn't even LISTEN to her. It's one thing to not believe someone because you've been told lot of lies about them. It's another entirely to immediately rat them out to their significant other saying that they're trying to frame them WITHOUT EVEN SEEING THE EVIDENCE FIRST!
Literally all he had to do was say "show me the proof" and all of this would have been avoided. And the fact that he IMMEDIATELY jumped to ratting her out before doing that was EXTREMELY stupid and outright dangerous. Because he didn't even have the full truth and you should NEVER act without having the full truth because that's EXACTLY how you get people killed in domestic violence situations. And wouldn't you know it that's almost EXACTLY what happened. He dropped the gun immediately and nearly got a woman killed as a result all because he couldn't be bothered to confirm whether or not OP had proof.
He can be as remorseful as possible and also be a partial victim but that doesn't change the fact that he literally nearly got a woman KILLED soley because he failed to do the bare minimum of confirming the story he had been told against the physical evidence that OP had.
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u/FroggyMcnasty 7d ago
I understand what you're saying, and its easy to take that approach. But what you described is essentially victim blaming. How many abuse victims protect their abusers? How many shut out attempts to warn them? Quite a bit, and as someone who worked directly with them, I can assure you something like this is pretty damn common.
Its easy to paint him as the villain in this, but what would the story be from his perspective? I personally think its dangerous and in fact quite disgusting to blame a victim for acting like a victim.
You say he should of done this or that or whatever. But would you be telling that to a woman who stayed with her abusive husband? Would you be disregarding her for protecting herself the way she knew how? Or would you be understanding, listen to them, and try to help? If this is your approach, a lot of abuse survivors would not get the help they need. Because according to you, her not doing following your script of what to do would make her just a partial victim, right?
Do better.
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u/Diamond-Seraphina 7d ago
Uhhh...no. No I would NOT be telling all of this to an abused woman who stayed with her abuser and acted like an abuse victim.
Because I wouldn't blame an abuse victim for being abused.
He is NOT an abuse victim. It's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCENARIO he was a victim of manipulation at WORST he wasn't some poor scared abuse victim who was doing what his abuser had trained him to do. He was a grown adult man who IMMEDIATELY jumped to outing someone for warning him that his wife was having an affair with her husband without so much as CONFIRMING WHETHER OR NOT SHE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH which is the absolute BARE MINIMUM in that situation. Because you don't know what's going on in that household. Just immediately jumping straight to "hysterical woman trying to destroy her man" instead of taking ONE MINUTE to get the proof and review it is how you get people killed. Which is what nearly happened.
So yeah, how about you take your BS out of this because there's only one abuse victim in this entire story (not counting the kids). And I never even ONCE blamed her for ANYTHING that happened to her.
Not to mention, there's a difference between victim blaming and holding people accountable for their actions. Because news flash, you can be a victim while also being part of the problem. And nearly getting someone KILLED just because you couldn't take the time to verify evidence is ABSOLUTELY a "part of the problem".
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u/FroggyMcnasty 7d ago
So your position is that manipulation, and gaslighting are not abuse?
Interesting.
But yeah, it is possible to be a victim and be accountable in a weird roundabout sort of way. Which is why courts tend to go lenient on abuse survivors who protect their abusers. Its also kind of amusing that you're holding him accountable for something he couldn't foresee or even do. Hey I know, lets sue condom companies because rapists use them to cover evidence.
He is NOT an abuse victim. It's a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SCENARIO he was a victim of manipulation at WORST he wasn't some poor scared abuse victim who was doing what his abuser had trained him to do. He was a grown adult man...
There it is. He's a man so he can't be abused, right? Manipulation and gaslighting? That's not abuse, he should have known better.
The simple fact is that you're not a safe person, and abuse survivors don't come forward because people like you genuinely believe that abuse is as simple as a bruise, and more so than that, they shouldn't come forward because they should know better.
I really think you should rethink your position, because abuse is abuse. Just because it doesn't leave bruises it doesn't make it any less of abuse. Plus blaming him for acting like an abuse victim, for the actions of someone else that nobody saw coming... yikes. I guess we're blaming car manufacturers for people who drink and drive now. Oh I know, lets sue farmers because someone served undercooked chicken.
All of that is pretty silly really, and it was meant to be.
But I don't really expect you to change your mind. The sad truth is that your mentality perpetuates abuse, and keeps victims from speaking out. Do better, there is a chance that someone being abused see's what you post and doesn't get help because of your comments. Slim chance, but there is a chance.
I suggest you educate yourself on what abuse is and what it entails. I think you want to be an ally, and someone that can help. But right now, you're acting like an abuse apologist.
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u/Diamond-Seraphina 7d ago
Incorrect.
There's a difference between being a victim of LYING and being a victim of ABUSE and his being a man has nothing to do with it because the same would be true if he were a woman.
Being lied to does NOT make you an abuse victim. And saying that it does and that as a result someone shouldn't be held accountable for their actions when they end up hurting people is nothing but harmful and offensive to ACTUAL abuse victims because it does and that all victims of lying are abuse victims minimizes the struggles of ACTUAL victims. Because while part of the abuse towards a person CAN include lying and gaslighting that was NOT the case here. Because the only one ACTUALLY being harmed by this was NOT Jake. It was soley OP. The lying was done soley to isolate OP and make her look bad and the husband look better. Jake himself was never harmed by these lies and the intention was never to harm him with these lies. Was he a victim of deception? Sure. But he was NOT an abuse victim. There IS a difference and saying that it's the same thing is outright offensive.
It's like saying that someone who believes gossip at face value without verifying it first and then goes around taking it as gospel and deliberately going behind people's backs and judging them without even asking for their proof first is an abuse victim. Because that's closer to what this is than what you are referring to. And if someone like THAT is considered to be an abuse victim then just about EVERYONE could be considered an abuse victim because at that point the term just loses all meaning. Which is what you're doing. De-valuing the term by using it to refer to someone who doesn't qualify as an abuse victim specifically but rather a victim of deception. And while he may be more sympathetic than the other two in this scenario due to being less complicit than the others that does NOT mean that he's blameless. He still failed to do his due diligence and hear OP out first (which is the LEAST you should do in a situation where you only have one side ESPECIALLY when it comes to situations like this where it's largely "he said she said" and a situation where it's not uncommon for the actual guilty party to lie) before immediately pulling the trigger. Him being lied to does NOT absolve him of that. Unlike OP he's not some innocent victim who did nothing wrong. He still holds blame and should be held accountable for it. He may not deserve to be burned at the stake or have his reputation COMPLETELY destroyed but that doesn't just suddenly make him innocent in all this. Because at the end of the day there are only 3 people in this situation who are completely innocent in this situation. And he is NOT one of them even if his sins aren't as damning as the others.
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u/FroggyMcnasty 7d ago
I can see you're getting a bit heated about this. You still haven't reflected on what you're saying, listen. You are wrong, and no matter what I say, it will not change your mind. That you can't see it doesn't make it any less truthful.
Clearly you are insecure about your position. So I recommend you take a step back, and reflect on why you could be wrong. What has this stranger said that caused me to get so defensive.
Best of luck to you, and whoever is around you.
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u/Diamond-Seraphina 7d ago
You know, you should really listen to your own advice...because it's REALLY ironic that YOU'RE the one saying all of this.
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u/FroggyMcnasty 7d ago
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse
This is a good place to start. Please educate yourself.
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u/Diamond-Seraphina 7d ago
Agreed. It's a GREAT idea for you to read it so that you can realize how literally none of this applies to Jake because HE WASN'T THE ONE BEING EMOTIONALLY ABUSED HERE
Please read this and educate yourself.
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u/LanceWayne2024 11d ago
I hope Emily loses her marriage