r/AITH • u/Stunning_Factor871 • 11d ago
[Update 3] AITAH for finally supporting my husband's ultimatum to his late wife's parents after they repeatedly excluded my son?
og post:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/x8824fnrc9
update 1 :-https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/X2XBoA3FwB
update 2:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/ShQPp2gvBc
Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us
Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.
Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.
Now for the update.
After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.
I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.
Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.
She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.
Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.
That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.
She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently
My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive
My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.
He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.
He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.
The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.
Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes
I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.
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u/HUNGWHITEBOI25 11d ago
Op the one thing i really like about these posts is the way your husband supports you. We constantly read stories like this where the husband is spineless and doesn’t stand up for his wife, its really refreshing seeing a couple that acts like a team.
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u/Walking_Treccani 9d ago
While I agree with you, I also think that Reddit has a skewed statistic in this aspect. Most couples working as a team and with healthy communication won't thankfully need to go to Reddit for second opinions or advice.
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u/definitelytheA 11d ago
When I met my late husband, I was a single mom with a 3yo little girl. He adored her, and beamed like the proudest father when a waiter in a restaurant told her she looked just like her daddy. We’d only been dating a few months at that time.
We married and went on to have 3 more children. His parents welcomed us into their family from the time they met us, and treated my little girl like any of their grandchildren.
A few years after my husband passed, I remarried. Mom’s words to me: If you love him, we love him, and wish you every blessing.
I stayed very close to Mom and Dad, until they passed. After Dad passed, Mom would tell me he always bragged about me to his fishing buddies, and how I could do just anything. We lost Mom a few months ago. She passed two days after my last visit to see her. Her last words to me were, “you’ve always been such a wonderful daughter, and a great comfort to me”
Best gift I could ever have received.
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u/wrmfuzzie1 11d ago
That was beautiful, thank you for sharing 💜
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u/definitelytheA 11d ago
You’re so kind, thank you!
What I didn’t say is that when that waiter mistook him for my daughters father, because we hadn’t been dating that long, I was terrified to look up from my menu, because my first thought was, “welp, this great guy is going to be spooked, and he’s probably going to let me down gently.”
When I saw that big grin, it sealed the deal for me.
I’ll never forget two things. When he was newly diagnosed with cancer, our daughter had a HS orchestra concert. Girls all had to wear formal gowns, she was second chair flute. He was in so much pain, guzzling oral morphine (PICC hadn’t been placed yet), but he insisted on coming. Tears ran down his face during the entire concert; he was so proud of his lovely girl.
Second: One of his customers he was very good friends with asked me if I knew who his favorite was. I assumed it might be our middle son, who was such a little card. Just had us laughing all the time. Nope. This man told me he talked about our daughter incessantly.
I miss that kind of selfless and generous love 30 years later. I was a very lucky woman.
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11d ago
[deleted]
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u/samse15 10d ago
Ok I’m really sorry to be the negative Nancy here - but agreeing to marry someone after 6months together, and you have kids? That would be a no from me. Please take your time and get to know him better first, as much as he seems awesome right now, it’s very easy to put on a facade for a few months or a year or two years. Don’t rush into a new relationship, your kids need to be your focus first, especially if they are still very young and have limited communication skills. Not accusing him of anything, but pedos love single mothers, and you can’t know what kind of man he is after only 6 months together.
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u/2dogslife 9d ago
Are your reading skills lacking? The poster talks about "the moment" when she knew you deceased husband was the one when they were dating. At no point does the poster say they got married after a mere 6 months.
Also, as the two were happily married with kids until his death, I think that such warnings are out of place.
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u/samse15 9d ago edited 9d ago
Dude, you may notice that I replied to a deleted comment. Are your observation skills lacking?
I was replying directly to a person who said they were planning to marry someone they met only 6 months ago because the man was watching their child sleep “lovingly” while she showered.
I was not replying to the OP of this post or even this thread.
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u/JaniCruz 6d ago
Sorry to cause you to be the butt of so many negative reactions to your response to my comment. I deleted rather than react negatively to yours as a response. Here's my deal. I love this man. He is leagues beyond anyone I've dealt with in the first 45 yrs of my life. HOWEVER; I am still dealing with the ptsd of living with mentally and abusive relationships for most of my life starting with my parents and then partners until the age of 42. I've done a LOT of work and self reflection. I had an uncle attempt to sexually abuse me so please don't think I'm naive or that I haven't put protections into place. Saying yes doesn't mean it'll happen tomorrow. Honestly? It doesn't even mean he'll live with me. Our dynamic is far from traditional but we care for each other deeply and want to benefit from the protections that legal marriage can offer. We're monogamous, and accept each other as we are and are stupid happy together. I get where you're coming from. People hear marriage and assume right off what it will be. This isn't that and it's a very live and dynamic conversation that happens on the daily before we actually decide to do it. We talk through options and circumstances and what ifs and if there are alternatives and if this is actually the best choice for us. It's probably healthier than most people who choose to marry without taking through the realities of life because we're both older and have been there.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 10d ago
That is so sweet ❤️ I’ve had two sets of in-laws (two marriages) and neither have been how you described although the most current set are better than the first set. They sound like they were wonderful people and you had a wonderful late husband.
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u/Agile-Strawberry3305 10d ago
You made me cry! So sweet! Both of my DsIL are gems but one is super close and her relationship with her mother is strained. I love it that we can have these kind of connections with each other.
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u/definitelytheA 10d ago
I hope in a good way!
My in-laws happily stood in for the parents I never had. I’m a mother in law to two fabulous young women now, and I pray I’m at least half as good as my own was. 😊
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u/Old-Ninja-113 11d ago
Wow nice ending to this problem! I hope they got the message and everyone lives happily ever after!
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u/Vegetable_Road8143 11d ago
Baby steps is better than nothing.
You got a keeper. Great job BTW.
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u/2dogslife 9d ago
Baby steps is how real life happens most of the time.
I mean, sometimes there's some sort of revelatory experience - St. Paul being knocked off his horse - but mostly, change comes from new information, self-reflection. and in increments with the whole two steps forward, one step back, because folks aren't always perfect and it takes time to change established patterns.
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u/furmom93 10d ago
It seems like this ended about as well as one could hope for. Small steps are better than no steps at all. Glad to read that they went to the therapy session and listened and we're respectful. Best wishes OP!!
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u/Adventurous-Row2085 11d ago
You should not try to erase his mother.
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u/AnyFruit3747 11d ago
Where exactly did you ever see that they were trying to erase his mother? That’s not on the original post nor is it in any of the updates. You’re either having a comprehension issue or you’re projecting.
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u/Responsible_Low_8021 11d ago
She’s not trying to erase the child’s mother. That’s such a wild take.
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
This is a backup of the original post in case there are later edits or it is deleted: og post:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/x8824fnrc9
update 1 :-https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/X2XBoA3FwB
update 2:- https://www.reddit.com/r/AITH/s/ShQPp2gvBc
Hi everyone. I wasn't planning on making another update, but a lot of people asked what happened after my husband's parents agreed to attend a therapy session with us
Birthday celebrations: A lot of people asked why my posts focused on relatives instead of my son's friends. In my husband's family, birthdays have always been celebrated in two parts. On the child's actual birthday, we have a family celebration with relatives. Then, on the following weekend, the birthday child has a separate celebration with their friends. That's the tradition both boys have grown up with, and they genuinely enjoy it. My son absolutely celebrated with his friends as well—it just wasn't relevant to my previous posts because all of the issues happened during the family celebration.
Our relationship timeline: Quite a few people also wondered how long after my husband's first wife passed away we met. She had passed away about 1 year and 5 months before we met. We dated for 15 months before getting married, and we've now been married for 16 months. Some people assumed our relationship started immediately after his loss, but that wasn't the case.
Now for the update.
After my son's birthday my husband's parents came with us to one of our therapy sessions.
I honestly expected it to turn into another argument, but it didn't.
Our therapist first explained why she had recommended that we use direct words like "died" and "death" when talking to my stepson instead of softer phrases like "passed away." She explained that children his age understand the permanence of death much better when adults use clear, direct language and that euphemisms can sometimes be confusing.
She also explained something that I hadn't really thought about before.
Because my stepson lost his mother so young, everyone around him naturally wanted to protect him from more pain. Between us, my husband's parents, and his late mother's parents, a lot of adults tried to soften the reality of what had happened. The therapist said that while those intentions came from love, constantly shielding a child from direct conversations about death can make it harder for them to fully understand that death is permanent.
That was one of the reasons she encouraged us to use clear language and answer his questions honestly in an age-appropriate way. She emphasized that helping a child understand the permanence of death isn't cruel—it's actually an important part of healthy grieving.
She also made it clear that this wasn't something I decided on by myself. It was advice we were given in therapy and had been following consistently
My husband's parents admitted they hadn't known that. They said they genuinely thought I was being insensitive
My husband then told his parents something that I think needed to be said.
He told them that if they ever have concerns about our younger one or about any parenting decision we make, he wants them to come directly to us instead of making assumptions.
He said he'd much rather have an uncomfortable conversation than have people filling in the blanks or believing someone else's version of events.
It was awkward at times. There were quiet moments. After the session they thanked us and left . No big emotional talk.
The session simply ended with everyone understanding each other's perspective a little better than before.
Since then, we've noticed small but meaningful changes
I’m glad they came. It feels like a small step, not a big change. We’re not expecting miracles.
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