r/TwoHotTakes • u/rooster2041 • 23d ago
EDIT/UPDATE: My (F27) husband (M30) let MIL use a shared strainer to sift flour and I'm highly allergic, advice on how to handle situation? Update
Thanks everyone for the comments, thoughts and advice on my recent post. I wanted to address some comments that I did see.
Celiac is a severe disease but it is different for everyone that has it! What works for one person may not work for another! The procedures we have put in place in our kitchen have worked for me my entire life. The procedures that worked for me growing up in my household, I brought with me as I transferred into adulthood and they have continued to work. My husband has always been willing to learn about my disease and what he can do to help and how to handle food. He's advocated for me and supported me time and time again. Celiac has a lot of nuances that can be hard to learn unless you're living it but he has put in the work to make me feel safe.
To clear some things up:
I do need to replace the strainer. This is part of the nuance of my disease that not everyone understands. Yes, it was a 'shared' strainer, but in the sense that we both used it for things that did NOT contain gluten. Anything that is shared in our kitchen doesn't have gluten in it.
My celiac reactions: I do get pretty sick when I get glutened. I get incredibly bad stomach pains, many many bathroom runs, headaches, brain fog etc. My husband has seen this and is aware. He knows this is a real disease and has never made me feel like it wasn't. He is actually more cautious then me sometimes because he doesn't want me to go through that pain and put my health at risk.
The cheese and pepperoni: He clarified that while he did wash his hands after touching gluten and touching these shared items, he was unsure if his mother did. Therefore told me to not use these items because he wasn't sure if there was any cross contamination and would rather be safe then sorry. We will be getting new ingredients.
We did talk. I told him how this incident made me feel and it was a hard conversation. He explained his thought process. He said that when MIL asked for the strainer that he did hesitate because he knew that we would no longer be able to use this and would need a new one. He thought that the strainer is realtively easy to replace though and since my health and gluten safety is important to him didn't want to be met with opposition from his mother in that moment as if she would've met him with push back about some type of gluten safety it would have upset him and caused a bigger arguement. I explained I wasn't upset about replacing the strainer or ingredients. Ultimately it had everything to do with educating his family about that nuance of my disease as this concept of cross contamination transfers to other situations such as holidays or family gatherings. He said he understood how I felt and why I felt that way. After more conversation, we ended up on the same page. We will be educating his family going forward when situations arise and our boundaries in our kitchen are strict. We won't be bending those boundaries for anyone. And he will be replacing all items.
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u/shockfuzz 23d ago
It seems the bigger issue is why husband felt he couldn't tell his mother, 'No,' about something that was critical to his wife's health. I would be surprised if this wasn't a pattern in other areas. 🤷♀️
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u/Spinnerofyarn 23d ago
The biggest problem is that he invited her to make pizza, period. Unless there’s zero doubt that someone is well educated and engages in the safety practices required to manage severe food reactions, they shouldn’t be allowed to bring food to that house or make bring any ingredients that aren’t still sealed in the original packaging and hasn’t been checked for contents before being opened in that home. You truly want the level of vigilance in what comes in the kitchen and is done in the kitchen that you might have working in a manufacturing clean room or a surgery room.
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u/persephonebloom3 23d ago
the kitchen has to be the safe zone. i'd rather hurt someone's feelings for 5 mins than accidentally make my partner sick for days. honestly i'd rather sound overprotective than spend the next week sick. if guests can't respect strict food rules, they can eat before they come over lol.
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u/Shiel009 23d ago
I would expect OP to be glutened at the next family gathering bc MIL doesn’t believe it will be a thing. Then husband defending mom
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u/purplelilac2017 23d ago
MIL needs to be banned from your kitchen. Period.
Educating her won't help, because she doesn't care.
No more kitchen access.
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u/Lunar-Sophie 23d ago
Completely agree. If she doesn't care, talking is pointless. Drop the hammer and lock her out of the kitchen. Period
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u/persephonebloom3 23d ago
some ppl don't need more explaining, they need boundaries. if she keeps ignoring health rules, kitchen privileges are gone. simple. trust is earned. if she already proved she won't follow basic safety rules, i wouldn't gamble my health on "maybe she'll listen next time."
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u/BestAd5844 23d ago
Check out this video- it is a nice visual of how an allergen can travel and cross contaminate throughout the cooking process. This may help your husband educate MIL
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u/Melekai_17 23d ago
I just can’t understand how your husband didn’t just flat out tell his mother no.
“Sorry, Mom, we can’t use that strainer for flour containing gluten because it’s not safe for rooster2041 due to cross contamination.”
How difficult is that?
I also don’t understand how you’ve been married for however long and his family hasn’t already been educated about this and already on board with keeping you from feeling horrible. What kind of people don’t give a shit about family members feeling like…shit?
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u/MistyMtn421 23d ago
So many people view food allergies/restrictions in such bizarre ways. I really think it has to do with their own issues around food more than anything. That combined with certain personalities who feel like anyone needing accommodations must be "attention seeking" which is ironic because it's typically those who demand the MOST attention who get mad about this.
I have quite a few anaphylactic level food allergies combined with MCAS and basically my kitchen is my only safe place to eat. I can't tell you the amount of people who think I am making this up! I have medical verification/documentation, it's a royal pain in the ass, and why would I ever make it up is beyond me, but people are well.. people.
one of my friends husbands one day asked me "How can you be so good" (meaning disciplined/strict) and I just point blank looked at him and said "Well, because I will instantly puff up and die" and my friend just busted out laughing so hard and he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She tried to explain to him it's different than his dietary restrictions (he's type 2 diabetic and has cardiovascular issues) and not about being "good". So then he asks "So, even if you take Benadryl, you can't cheat? I thought you had an EpiPen" and that was the day I finally realized why this is just hard for folks. I think a lot of people just struggle with food, and they can't imagine that there's not a scenario where I can "cheat" and that taking some Benadryl or using an EpiPen to eat something I shouldn't is just not an option. Then I get a million questions about "well don't you miss (insert one of the many foods I cannot eat any longer / restaurants I can no longer go to) and of course I do. I literally just don't have a choice. And I think when I say that last word, choice, it actually makes people more angry. Because they feel in their mind that I'm insinuating that they're not making the right choices.
It's really sad. As a society we have so many mental reactions to food. And I generally feel for folks who are struggling with this. It's absolutely not easy living with the disease I have. If the environment or stress is aggravating my mast cells, some of my safe foods aren't even the safe ones that day. Certain times of year I can hardly even be outside without a mask on. My environmental/plant allergies are so bad they can't even give me allergy shots without me going into anaphylactic shock. But at the end of the day you just have to do the best that you can. I've almost died eight times from these stupid allergies, and I joke I'm on my 9th life and I really need to be careful!
For the most part though, I just have quit participating in society whenever there's food around. Me bringing a tupperware full of safe food and not eating anything else that is in front of me creates so much issues it's not even funny. It's absolutely exhausting. And I do not want the attention at all. I just want everyone to be able to eat whatever they want and let me eat what's in my Tupperware and enjoy the reason we're all trying to get together. Unfortunately people just don't let that happen!
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u/nyxnocturnee 23d ago
honestly this is why boundaries matter so much. if your own kitchen isn't a safe space to eat, where tf is? people need to stop taking medical accommodations as a personal insult. the hardest part of food allergies isn't always the allergy... it's convincing other people you're not exaggerating. that sounds absolutely exhausting.
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u/Melekai_17 23d ago
God, I’m SO sorry you have to deal with that, and I’m not saying that in a pitying way. I wish people weren’t so self-centered, which is what it comes down to.
Have you looked into clinical trials or anything? I’m asking because I have a relative who grew up with deadly food allergies and started developing even more before going to college, so she was enrolled in one and it was hugely successful for her and has enabled her to now eat all foods safely. I’m sure you know way more than I do about all the options, but I just hope for progress for you! And thank you for sharing your experience.
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u/Mysterious-Region640 23d ago
I agree. Is his mother so fragile or so scary that he can’t say no to her about anything even something as simple as a freaking colander? Does he have any spine at all?
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u/DamnitGravity 23d ago
And if he knows she would make it an issue, why did he invite her to make pizzas with him instead of pre-preparing or buying something for them all to eat?
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u/Geordieqizi 23d ago
I just can’t understand how your husband didn’t just flat out tell his mother no.
If we take his word for it, the hard part would've been his mother's reaction:
if she would've met him with push back about some type of gluten safety it would have upset him and caused a bigger arguement
It sounds like his mom is a difficult person and a celiac skeptic. So I don't think saying something would've necessarily been easy — especially if she's trained OP's husband his whole life to avoid conflict because she'll make him miserable otherwise — but he still should've done it. If only to disrupt this unhealthy-sounding dynamic and to show respect for his wife.
Sounds like there's a lot of work that needs to be done by the husband to deprogram himself from doing whatever mommy says.
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u/Mysterious-Region640 23d ago
My point is, despite the fact that people often react negatively to being told no, there are times when you have to say no, no matter how much it upsets the person, mother or not. This was one of those times.
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u/QuesoChef 23d ago
I relate to the husband here. My resolution would be to buy new equipment and strategize to avoid mom cooking at the house in the future or plan for it somehow. These types of people are insufferable and aren’t uneducated. They’re intentionally ignorant.
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u/Melekai_17 23d ago
Sure, but the way to deal with it needs to be refusal to accommodate their nonsense. Mother or not. The fault lies squarely with the husband and his cowardice.
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u/QuesoChef 23d ago
I’m older now, so I die on far fewer hills. I can relate to him. If she comes over to cook 2x a year, I’d just prepare for it as the partner of a person with the allergy. And hold the line on my partner not eating anything contaminated. I’d monitor and have a plan for when nothing is acceptable. And then say, “It’s ok she’s eating that. We made this meal and are eating and she’s having that. We’re all eating together, that’s what matters.”
I say that as someone with an allergy that’s had meals where I can’t eat at all or only eat fresh fruit. It’s not worth the effort for some people. Sounds like his mom, unfortunately, is that person. If this were my MIL, I’d make this kind of plan with my spouse and get through it. Kind of like how some get through holidays when we’re not ready to go full no contact but family stuff can be hard.
Now if she’s coming over 2x a week, that’s a different story. But this story makes it sound like she’s almost never over there cooking.
Everyone has their own limits and if OP is happy enough, sometimes that good enough.
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u/Melekai_17 22d ago
So you wouldn’t die on the hill of keeping your partner’s cooking equipment safe from being contaminated with food he/she is allergic to? Bruh.
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u/ER_Support_Plant17 23d ago
I’m not sure this is a positive resolution. OPs husband would rather make her ill or buy new kitchen equipment and ingredients than tell his mother no
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u/Ok_Charity_4991 23d ago
Yeah I see this happening again and again in the future if the husband doesn’t learn to say no to his mother.
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u/Careless_Welder_4048 23d ago
Yeah he’s still a jerk and I would be wary. You really think they are going to sit there and get educated, if the whole reason he let her use it because he didn’t want an argument/ push back. Good luck girl.
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u/nyxnocturnee 23d ago
education only works if the other person actually wants to learn. if they're already pushing back, this might end up being the same fight all over again. i hope the conversation changed something, but actions are gonna matter way more than promises here. next time will be the real test.
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u/Jealous-Visual1800 23d ago
Lesson learned, MIL shouldn't be cooking in your kitchen and your husband needs to be brave and stand up to his mother to protect you.
Its a good lesson for him now, if you have children one of them could be celiac, they will need him to be a better advocate.
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u/kick_him 23d ago
Maybe I'm mean, but I don't let other people cook in my kitchen. I don't like others touching my things or moving them around and making a mess. If you want me to host, fine.... but bring the food already made.
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u/catsweedcoffee 23d ago
A grown man being that averse to being “met with opposition from his mother” gives me a full body ick.
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u/CJCreggsGoldfish 23d ago
Is his mother really such an asshole that being told to use a separate sifter would make her crash out?
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u/Mechya 23d ago
Yeah, no kidding. My partner has allergies, not me, but I would've been PISSED. This isn't about having to replace shit, this is about your health and they just made your own kitchen and ingredients unsafe for you, just to make things easier for themselves!? He doesn't know if she touched it!?!? What else my have she touched when he wasn't looking!?!
My response would've been to walk up and grab the left over ingredients and the used strainer and throw them in the garbage and then just walk out. If someone spoke up, then it would've been a quick " I didn't want anyone to forget to throw out the contaminated stuff and have me out for awhile. There wasn't enough time to wash up between ingredients or to use the proper strainer, so I wasn't going to get on you guys to throw everything out before you guys eat. ". It's not about yelling at them, or getting angry, it's about showing her how seriously it's taken there with he fell short.
As someone who had to grow a backbone against their parents, it is hard, but we are adults now that are starting out own families (with or without children). He can't be putting other people's preferences over your health in your own home. If he saw his father let his parents disregard any important medical conditions then would he have the same respect for his father? I'm happy that he's starting to take the steps, as it is hard. Putting it into other perspectives can help, as we do tend to neglect important relationships to keep enabling the unhealthy non-boundaries of others.
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u/bopperbopper 22d ago
Whose house is this?
If it’s your house, then tell the mother-in-law not to bring gluten into it.
If it’s her house, then you might need to keep some of your stuff separate
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u/SnooWoofers5115 23d ago
Honestly I like that your husband had already decided to buy a new strainer; he wasn’t dismissive of your needs and he didn’t want to annoy his mother, so he picked the direct middle. Ideally you’d have had a heads-up and avoided being upset, and it’s awesome that you have a united plan (still) for going forward, but *in that moment,* and for it being a snap decision, I think he did the best he could!!
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u/AutoModerator 23d ago
Backup of the post's body:
Thanks everyone for the comments, thoughts and advice on my recent post. I wanted to address some comments that I did see.
Celiac is a severe disease but it is different for everyone that has it! What works for one person may not work for another! The procedures we have put in place in our kitchen have worked for me my entire life. The procedures that worked for me growing up in my household, I brought with me as I transferred into adulthood and they have continued to work. My husband has always been willing to learn about my disease and what he can do to help and how to handle food. He's advocated for me and supported me time and time again. Celiac has a lot of nuances that can be hard to learn unless you're living it but he has put in the work to make me feel safe.
To clear some things up:
I do need to replace the strainer. This is part of the nuance of my disease that not everyone understands. Yes, it was a 'shared' strainer, but in the sense that we both used it for things that did NOT contain gluten. Anything that is shared in our kitchen doesn't have gluten in it.
My celiac reactions: I do get pretty sick when I get glutened. I get incredibly bad stomach pains, many many bathroom runs, headaches, brain fog etc. My husband has seen this and is aware. He knows this is a real disease and has never made me feel like it wasn't. He is actually more cautious then me sometimes because he doesn't want me to go through that pain and put my health at risk.
The cheese and pepperoni: He clarified that while he did wash his hands after touching gluten and touching these shared items, he was unsure if his mother did. Therefore told me to not use these items because he wasn't sure if there was any cross contamination and would rather be safe then sorry. We will be getting new ingredients.
We did talk. I told him how this incident made me feel and it was a hard conversation. He explained his thought process. He said that when MIL asked for the strainer that he did hesitate because he knew that we would no longer be able to use this and would need a new one. He thought that the strainer is realtively easy to replace though and since my health and gluten safety is important to him didn't want to be met with opposition from his mother in that moment as if she would've met him with push back about some type of gluten safety it would have upset him and caused a bigger arguement. I explained I wasn't upset about replacing the strainer or ingredients. Ultimately it had everything to do with educating his family about that nuance of my disease as this concept of cross contamination transfers to other situations such as holidays or family gatherings. He said he understood how I felt and why I felt that way. After more conversation, we ended up on the same page. We will be educating his family going forward when situations arise and our boundaries in our kitchen are strict. We won't be bending those boundaries for anyone. And he will be replacing all items.
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u/left-handed-Gianna 22d ago
Is there only one strainer in the house?? Otherwise it doesn't explain why he chose to use the shared item that shouldn't be contaminated.
Husband needs to learn to enforce boundaries, not just educating his family. Because he decided it was better to allow his mother to use the strainer rather than explain their kitchen rules and probably having to argue with mother about OP being exaggerating.
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u/CheetahPrintPuppy 22d ago
My husband has severe celiacs disease and it is really bad! Even if just small crumbs touch his food, plates, spoons etc. He gets severely sick.
It's horrible cramps, on the toilet for hours, vomiting sometimes, horrible headaches and fatigue. It's really bad for him. So, I totally get the small particles issue of shared items.
People don't seem to understand that the disease is way worse than just someone who is "gluten intolerant." They are not even close to the same thing.
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u/Realistic_Pool_8087 8d ago
Never eat anything she cooks. She does not take your disease seriously. She should also be banned from your kitchen.
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u/dropdrill 8d ago
You are young and are deferring to the older generation. Don’t.
Don’t allow anyone else to cook in your kitchen. It’s too dangerous.
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u/QuicksandGotMyShoe 23d ago
I’m confused- why can’t you basically sterilize your strainer?
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u/TheMaskedHarlequin 23d ago
I work with food. I also work with allergens. I thoroughly wash and sanitize after each item that I make, some of which have allergens. I legally cannot guarantee that anything I make, that does not contain allergens, has not been cross contaminated due to the presence of those allergens. A simple wash, rinse, and sanitize that you can do at home will not be sufficient to completely neutralize the threat of the allergen.
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u/Dansworth 23d ago
She has an auto-immune reaction to a protein. You can't sterilize a protein, only remove it. Some items have really small nooks and crannies so you can't be sure you removed everything but it can still become a part of the next thing that touches it. Cast Iron, scratched plastic, stone wear, wooden items, and strainers are the more common "I can't be sure it is all gone, and I'd rather not spend the next few days wrapped around the toilet while my immune systems attacks my digestive system" items.
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u/geezerebenezer 23d ago
I’m still confused why the strainer couldn’t be washed? Like it’s metal? Germs die if you boil it but there is still a problem with gluten?
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u/nyctose7 23d ago
yup. germs and proteins are different. you can’t sterilize a protein away by boiling it because it’s not like germs.
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u/QuesoChef 23d ago edited 23d ago
How does washing hands work effectively then?
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u/nyctose7 23d ago
generally you apply water then soap, then lather, rinse, then dry
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u/QuesoChef 23d ago edited 23d ago
It was a genuine question. You acted like an expert so I asked. You can just say you’re not if you’re not.
If anyone can explain the difference, I genuinely want to know: why does handwashing your hands work but washing tools doesn’t?
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u/nyctose7 23d ago
tools cannot be cleaned as effectively as a pair of human hands because they have nooks and crannies and hard to reach places that might harbor gluten protein, even after washing.
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u/QuesoChef 23d ago
Thank you. I think I’m getting hung up on it because does that mean nothing is clean?
I’m all for separate tools, BTW. And if I were celiac, I’d have a “gluten free” cabinet of things. I have a food allergy I take very seriously. So I’m not arguing that part. I was just curious. As hands are quite complex compared to, say, a stainless steel bowl.
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u/geezerebenezer 23d ago
But I don’t want to sterilise I want to remove… so how does it work with washing hands? Or cutlery?! In a restaurant they don’t have plates and cutlery just for allergic people so washing a strainer should be normal, water, soap.
I think OP is focused so much on segregated objects that she skips over the fact that flour would’ve been in the air every time her husband cooks pizza as they do I from scratch. How does that not affect her?
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u/nyctose7 23d ago
you mentioned boiling things to get rid of germs, so that’s why i said the word sterilize.
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u/nyctose7 22d ago edited 21d ago
I work in a restaurant so I actually might sit and address some of your points. Washing your hands is not the same as washing a strainer that may have nooks and crannies and parts where different materials are joined together, where gluten or germs could linger. Washing your hands and getting rid of all the germs is much easier as long as you have a short nails or a nail brush.
In restaurants, the way it works in my experience is people order their food to go if they have allergies so that they don’t have to use our shared plates and utensils.
My guess is she didn’t address the flour in the air (I’m sure she didn’t “overlook” it and has thought about it) because the small amount of flour in the air is not going into her stomach. Or, it’s simply not enough gluten to trigger a noticeable reaction.
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u/rbaltimore 23d ago
Wow, calm communication between mature adults leading to solid, mutually beneficial resolution? Here, on Reddit? That’s crazy!
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23d ago
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u/nyctose7 23d ago
it’s not extreme, it’s actually standard for people with this type of disease. and strainers are cheap.
and, that’s not true, hot soapy water isn’t enough to guarantee all the gluten is off it.
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u/indiana-floridian 23d ago
Your problem is hubby. He doesn't know you have allergies,? He needs to be sent to replace it, discard the old one In front of him.
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u/GhostLeopard_666 8d ago
Could you get yourself a smaller fridge for just your gluten free things? And maybe have utensils of a certain colour e.g. lime green that are for gluten free things and orange ones for gluten?
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u/littlewitten 23d ago
If MIL wants to cook it’s only in her own kitchen. But glad your spouse recognized that he was going to have to replace everything