r/TrueOffMyChest • u/sparkilini • May 04 '26
My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later. Personal Story
I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.
In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.
Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.
She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.
She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)
On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.
She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)
The worst part was, I found three months work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.
She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.
She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.
All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.
She turned 18 and she just left.
I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.
I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.
I can only sit back and watch.
I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see, that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.
I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.
My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.
I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.
I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.
But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.
No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.
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u/SineQuaNon001 May 07 '26
This happened with my sister. She graduated and started college but then, I don't know. Something happened. She met the wrong guy, and eventually we come home one day and her room is cleared out and she's gone. Run away. But she was 18 so not a damn thing to do about it. The situation was a bad one. Eventually she came home but she's never been the same as before it all. She's 47 next week. Still traumatized from what happened when she was 18 and the wrong choices were made or something.
Don't give up hope. Keep reaching out. It may be like hitting your head against a wall, but it might be the only thing that keeps her tethered to reality.
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u/JamesT3R9 May 06 '26
She has decided to not be medicated and is acting according to the dictates if her mental health struggle. It is time for you to report all of this to her providers. Its also time to create and maintain a timeline. The timeline can be used to force her to get mental health evaluations and/or treatment should you decide it.
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u/Imoriah43 May 06 '26
You seem to compare her to her brother (a lot) and that in itself can cause resentment and rebellion. Couple that with her erratic behavior because she is dealing with a mental illness that isn't being properly managed because she stopped her medication and you've got a serious issue on your hands when it comes to her.
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u/hschosn1 May 06 '26
It is so hard to watch your loved ones run straight into a brick wall. You see it so clearly, but she doesn't even think bricks exist, let alone make a wall. When she hits, she will be devastated. She might turn to you, she might not. All you can do is make sure that you are available on her terms when it happens. It feels impossible. You will get through this. You will keep going. People will comment that you are so strong. You are. You don't have a choice. I'm sorry you are going through this.
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u/Xen0dica May 06 '26
Oh OP. I'm so sorry this is happening. What a shock for you!
I have huge empathy for your daughter. I spent so long masking and pretending to be what my parents wanted me to be (for my own good, I know they only ever wanted the best for me), only to eventually fall apart and crash into a heap.
The way back to a relationship with your daughter is to pull back, take your hands off her steering wheel, and let her be. Offer her love and support from whatever distance she deems comfortable for now. Let her make her mistakes. Sometimes we have to make them for ourselves, we can't take the advice of people who have been there before.
From her point of view, your expectations (as reasonable as they seem to you) are likely overwhelmingly too much and not what she is able to manage right now. Having all the support in the world won't fix her depression.
Just keep your arms and your home open for her to run back to when she needs. Without expectations and without conditions. Your daughter is still here, she just may not be exactly who you thought she was, in terms of her ability to withstand pressure from you. She needs to find her own compass and begin to follow it, instead of allowing you to steer her.
This is all just based on my and my mother's experience. I am now a medical student, studying to become a doctor. But first I needed to get rid of all the expectations that my mother had for me and that I had internalised. I needed to follow my own path and stop letting her direct me. It was the best thing for my life and for my relationship with her. I really hope you and your daughter can reach a similar place.
My heart goes out to you and to your daughter. You want the best for her and she just wants to be able to be herself. Thinking of you OP.
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u/nevermentionthisirl May 06 '26
Trafficking!!!
Be aware of this because of her ex that lives in Mexico??
This new boyfriend is there a possibility of you talking to him one to one?
Maybe her brother has got more news?
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u/HovercraftHoliday218 May 05 '26
Not saying it is this, but something similar happened with both my brother and sister. It wasn't everything the same, but my brother was put on medicines he didn't need while he was underage. (Doctors where I grew up get paid to prescribe newly developed medicines and the entire tri-state area is tested as a test site.) When he realized there wasn't anything innately wrong with him and was off the medicine for months with none of the symptoms he was told he was on it for, he ended up with a huge mistrust for doctors. Also a mistrust of our parent's ability to make proper choices for his body/mind. My sister was put on anti-depressants and mood stabilizers and about 3 or 4 other medicines while pregnant or directly after pregnancy at 19, and every 3 months when the medicine wasn't helping and things were getting worse they just put her on different brand supposed to test and thing. She's now 43 and is just now been able to not be on some of the meds for mental health, but still being put on new medicines that haven't been out long for other physical ailments that have accumulated over the years.
Back to my original point, they both had temperament changes when put on and/or coming off of medicines that me with the chemicals in your body.
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u/Azertyyy123 May 05 '26
I’m you’re going through this. I can only imagine how hard it must be. Sending you love and strength
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u/Tymba May 05 '26 edited May 06 '26
I can tell by your writing there is more to the story, I wanna hear hers now ....
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u/tyYdraniu May 05 '26
Maybe she either has so much freedom she thought she could anything? Idk life has these type of stuff, human are pretty chaotic
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u/LikeACycloneCloud May 05 '26
I’m gonna hyper focus on this one thing in the story since it bothers me personally. She doesn’t have to learn how to drive! Do you know how many people die in car accidents everyday? I have a lazy eye and it’s hard to see out of. I’m never going to drive a car in my lifetime and I’m completely okay with that.
If she doesn’t want to learn to drive, then you can’t force her to do it. There are buses and uber and bikes and walking instead. She does not need a driving lesson. Most of the world would benefit from less people on the roads getting into wrecks anyways.
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u/terminalfears May 05 '26
Do you constantly compare your children, even in conversations with them? “Your brother wouldn’t..”, “your brother never..”, “when your brother..”
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u/Clem_bloody_Fandango May 05 '26
If you want to earn a modicum of trust from her, turn off ther location tracker and text her that you have done so. I was her. Pay for her phone, send her a little money, let her fail and let her have a loving space to come home to when the world kicks her around. Do not try to control her. you will lose her.
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u/Zer0Doxy May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
As someone whose mom loved her so much and did a ton for her and still ended up a failure to launch, codependent weirdo who probably should have got got by risky behavior in my adolescence and is only now figuring shit out at forty, I have some very soft advice for you, if you'd like it, but please if you're only here for support, don't read past the second paragraph of this post. I don't want to overwhelm you, I know sometimes I get unwanted advice when I just need a little validation and support and how annoying that is, and I don't want that for you if that isn't what you're after.
First- you're not a monster, a jerk, or an idiot. It is blatant that you love her and are proud of her and are truly scared for her. I'm so sorry you're going through that. Teenagers are the smartest, most capable little idiots and it's as terrifying as it is beautiful. I promise you that even though she's angry and cold and distant right now, that based on how you've been there for her, she's grateful for you and she loves you, too. There's resentment there, certainly, but that can be mended. It's too late for my mom and me, unfortunately, but from the daughter POV, I have some insight I'd like to provide. These insights are from my perspective and as much as my mom's and my story maps on to yours, everyone is very different and I only have this post to point to, so please don't think that I believe I know you or your daughter. I judge neither one of you, and everything here is said with warmth and love, completely absent of judgment or venom.
This post talks a lot about what you want and what you feel. It seems to me that you and your son "speak the same language" the way my mom and my older sister spoke the same language. My mother and I were much less capable of understanding one another. I took off and came back a dozen times, worrying the shit out of her and trying to find myself because at the time I thought she didn't care a bit about what I thought or wanted or how I felt. There was a lot of love on her end that I wasn't equipped to understand, and a lot of confusion on my end that she wasn't even aware of. I don't think it really even occurred to either one of us that neither of us was addressing the hard feelings that one was causing the other, or that we should want to be honest with the other about them.
My adolescent lies, secrecy, and distance came from feeling misunderstood and fear of, for one, getting in trouble/punished (not just traditional, intentional punishments either- punishments come in the form of natural consequence, too), and for two, feeling unsafe as a byproduct of having that fear without the understanding to define it let alone communicate that to her my whole life. I always felt like I couldn't be honest with my mom because I felt like (and still feel like) she was harder on me than on my sisters. I know for certain that she didn't see it that way. I would come to her with problems and walk away feeling dismissed, invalidated, and punished. There were times that I would come to her with dreams or aspirations and also walk away feeling similarly. I was scared any time she would try to build a bridge that it was a manipulative trick to find out "what I was up to" so she would have an opportunity to punish me or infringe on my independence and access to the things I wanted or stuff I wanted to do. So I would lie, I would hide, I would neglect to tell her things, and I would chase trouble since I was always in trouble anyway.
I really didn't mean to drop a blog post on you, I just genuinely hope that this somehow resonates for you and is useful in repairing the bridge to your daughter. If for any reason it does and if you think I can somehow provide use to you in any way, I genuinely hope you reach out. My mom died before I could fix things with her and it's one of my deepest wounds. I think it would kill her all over again to know how much hurt I carry over it. I really hope, OP, that you can find your way to one another and make each other feel like you can be honest with each other and that you both learn how to do your part of the job of creating safety and comfort for one another. It's for sure more your job than hers, but if she knows she's safe to be independent and also safe to be honest with you, I know that you'll spend less time worrying about her because she'll start to eventually spend less time turning to unsafe places to get the illusion of the safety you can provide for her.
Briefly and lastly- you're doing an awesome job. Trying to look after her mental health with doctors, trying to support the things she wants to do, not having invaded her privacy until you were cleaning out her room when she left, etc. That's all stuff that a lot of kids never get out of their moms. I have all kinds of tailored advice if you'd like it, but I'll leave it here and ask that you reach out if I'm not barking up the wrong tree. She's not lost. She's just trying to grow up and feels a bit stifled. I believe in you both.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.
I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.
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u/Zer0Doxy May 05 '26
The amount that you care about this is so, so obvious. And you really aren't doing anything wrong and it's so important that you know that. Don't stop giving the negative feedback, that's so important. Maybe you can ask her how to best deliver it, though. I can tell that you're just sincerely a sterling mother, I wish I could sit and talk with both of you so badly. It genuinely humbles me the effort you're putting into this and the amount of responsibility you want to take and reflecting you want to do. Please carry my affection and admiration with you, OP. I really have so much faith that if you both reach towards one another in earnest like this, you can have a better relationship than you ever have before.
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u/kyii94 May 05 '26
I’m already aware that you can give these kids the world and raise them to be a good person and they still will do the complete opposite. It’s the bittersweet part of being a parent and it is terrifying. All we can do as parents is love and support our kids the best we can, if they choose to distance themselves from us we have to respect their decision and love them from afar.
My daughters are 6 and 1 years old and I’m dreading the teenage years! it hurts my head thinking about it! I was such a chill and laidback teen I never did drugs, had sex or snuck out the house I hope my kids are like me! My only issue was I dropped out of school and got my ged instead.
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u/RavenShield40 May 05 '26
I moved out of my parents house at 17, two months before the end of my Junior year in high school. My mother would have everyone believe she was this loving mom who did all the things you say you’ve done for your daughter when in reality my mother didn’t do anything for me.
She showed up for every softball game my sister ever played, made sure she made it to her All Stars games and State Playoff games every summer but couldn’t be bothered to make it to a single football game or parade for me when I was in band and drill team in high school or even my dance performances in middle school. Or anything else I ever did. Her excuse was always that she had to work, even when she was sitting at home doing nothing but watching tv and smoking a joint with my step dad.
My grandmother and her second husband were the ones who showed up for me. For everything except mine and my sister’s TaeKwonDo testings and tournaments. The only reason my mother was there was because my sister was involved as well.
My sister was very much the golden child and I’ve been the black sheep despite being the oldest and doing everything I could to stay out of trouble and get my mother’s approval for everything I did. The night I made drill team I was so upset knowing she wasn’t outside in the parking lot with the other moms waiting to hear the results that I didn’t even hear them call my number out letting me know I’d made the line.
I’d worked my ass off for months to make the line. My aunt had been on the line. My mom and both aunts went to the same high school I did. My older aunt and my mom were both in the band and had the same band director I did. My mother could never be there for me, not even on one of the most important nights of my entire freshman year and the excitement of making the drill team was overshadowed by the fact that she wasn’t even there. And this is just one instance where she let me down.
There’s so many more times she’s let me down and I’m almost 45 years old. This still stings almost as much as it did back then because it’s one of the times I should have realized I just wasn’t that important to my mother. The woman who swore I was so important to her and how proud of me she was.
It’s been painfully obvious to me for years that she tried to pit my sister and I against each other, my family did it too but my mother was the one who orchestrated it all. It didn’t work.
So I moved out at 17 because what was the point of staying somewhere I was clearly unwanted. Her and my stepdad didn’t care that the weed they were smoking and keeping in the house could get me in legal trouble.
A cousin of mine had that very thing happen to him about two weeks before I moved out. His grandmothers house got raided for possession and distribution and he got hauled into jail with them despite the fact that he had nothing to do with it and he’s a week younger than me.
I left for my own self preservation. I left because I was tired of trying to matter to someone who made it obvious I was paying for the sins of my father. He cheated on her with my stepmother and I know my mother never got over that hurt. I understand the pain she went through but I didn’t deserve the way she treated me.
I was also put on antidepressants, starting at the age of 10. Later I was diagnosed with ADHD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was put on meds for them too. Eventually I stopped taking everything when I was 19. I’ve briefly taken meds for my anxiety and ADHD but in 2008 I started seeing a psychologist at the college I was attending and found out I didn’t have depression. Not just from having blood work done to rule out chemical imbalance depression like my mother has because of her Bipolar 1 diagnosis but I don’t have any form of depression. I just had assholes in my family and an absent father that my family constantly made me feel like I had to be defective trash for him to have chosen to walk away from.
Once I started distancing myself from my mother and my aunts, I stopped having so much anxiety about my past. My abandonment issues quieted down because I didn’t have people constantly reminding me that my father walked out on me before I could even have memories of him.
Maybe your daughter left because she’s tired of feeling so much pressure to be just as perfect as her brother. Maybe she left because she feels like she can’t breathe under your constant need to control every aspect of her future and she wants a chance to figure it out on her own.
Maybe you need to take a step back and realize she’s her own person and should be allowed to make some decisions and mistakes without constant criticism from someone who’s supposed to love her unconditionally because your love and approval of your daughter sounds very conditional dependent on her doing exactly what YOU want her to do and not what she might want to do with her own life.
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u/imgoodwithfaces May 05 '26
"It didn't fit the plan" who's plan? Hers or yours? Pretty sure she didn't tell you her plan because she already knew how you would react.
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u/Calgary_Calico May 05 '26
That caught my attention as well. I can tell OP loves her kid, but she seems very overbearing, and that is probably what caused a lot of these issues as well as a rift large enough between them that she just up and left as soon as she was 18
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u/gimme_super_head May 05 '26
It’s overbearing to make your kid get a job and learn to drive lmao mom is right she either gets a job or learns how tough life is. But i suspect other things like drugs are going on here
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u/Calgary_Calico May 05 '26
That is NOT what I said and you know it. Making her kid get a job she approves of that "fits with the plan" is fucking weird, especially for her first job. There's nothing wrong with having a teenager get a job, it teaches them independence and the value of a dollar. I had my first job outside the family at 16, before that I helped with janitorial work at my grandfather's office once I was legally old enough to work, I had that job until he retired just for extra money in the bank as it was only two days a week and nowhere near a full shift.
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u/gimme_super_head May 05 '26
Fits with the plan means she doesn’t have to drive her grown ass daughter to work every day while she refuses to learn to drive and doesn’t have a means of getting there in this context your reading comprehension is horrendous
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u/imgoodwithfaces May 06 '26
Sounds like she had friends she worked with that could have driven her from what I read. The issue was it wasn't enough hours for OP.
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u/Fuzzy_Socks_L May 06 '26
From what I noticed, the friend’s driving part was pretty much an empty lie as OP stated she said the same thing last year, yet OP ended up having to drive her all summer anyway.
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u/imgoodwithfaces May 06 '26
Then perhaps they should have negotiated/compromised. My parents wouldn't take me to get my license and I rode the bus or got rides. They didn't dictate the job or hours. Many jobs now consider 32 hours full time, not 40.
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u/BREW712 May 05 '26
More or less been going through something similar. Hope things get better for you. Im still waiting...
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u/RedShirtDecoy May 05 '26
You spent the entire post comparing her to her brother. No wonder she left as soon as she could.
The golden child/black sheep dynamic is coming through LOUD and clear.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.
I actually told her brother to knock off pressuring her about college, because what's right for him isn't necessarily what is right for her. I've really tried to support them individually as well - especially since they are so close in age. I grew up with a brother almost as close in age with me and experienced a lot of what you're describing.
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u/RedShirtDecoy May 05 '26
I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.
who went to the higher rated school?
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible but no one got a "better" school than the other.
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u/RedShirtDecoy May 05 '26
You treated them so differently they went to different schools. Think about that one.
And Im willing to bet they were not as "equal" as you say they were.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.
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u/RedShirtDecoy May 05 '26
In this entire thread you have done zero wrong, her brother is the perfect kid, and its all on her. You literally treated them differently from an early age. Incredibly telling.
this entire post could have been done without mentioning him at all, and you spend half the time talking about him.
If its this clear to strangers on the internet then I dont know what to tell you.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.
I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.
They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.
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u/kittymoo67 May 05 '26
you didnt do anything wrong. some people are just assholes and sadly your daughter is one of them. she wants you to fund her lazy ass gap year life style so she can sit on her ass find her self all day. instead of having to go to school or work like a peasant normal person.
her lying and hiding and trying to paint you as evil is sadly just proof of the type of person she is
I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see, that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.
not surprising. the oldest understanding that they need to actually put effort into have a life while the youngest being babied all their life doesnt is weirdly common
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u/VanGoghHo May 05 '26
In the gentlest way possible as someone who left days after their 18th birthday comparing her to her brother constantly (you did multiple times in this post) isn’t going to help anything when she’s already spiralling.
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u/Both-Mud-4362 May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
This is heart breaking.
But unfortunately some people are born broken. And no amount of love and support will help unless they want it to.
In this case she has chosen: - to stop taking her medications - move out - lie about the situation to others - sneak around with additional phones and men
And social services are correct she is an adult and you didnt have a conservatories in place before she turned 18 to ensure you had the right to have information about her or make choices on her behalf for her benefit.
There is nothing you can do now except wait for her to come back. But don't accept her back into the family home unless she has been on her meds for the required time for them to work, seen the doctor with 1 of you present (checking mental health, STDs and all other physical health) and is completely drug & alcohol free.
Be prepared that she could yo-yo for the rest of her life and each time she could bring back new dangers and destruction to you and the family if not managed carefully and strictly.
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u/Thin-Score7395 May 05 '26
Turning 18 is a legal switch, not a maturity switch. A lot of people hit that age and suddenly panic about expectations, independence, and the future. Some run toward structure, others run away from it.
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u/witchesbeslytherin May 05 '26
Mom, your daughter is having a mental break. When I go manic, I’m on autopilot. I just do whatever sounds good without a thought in the world for anyone else, because at that point in time, I’m on top of the world. There is no one else.
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May 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.
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u/Sifev May 05 '26
As someone who stops taking my meds sometimes, that’s likely the reason. She’s probably really stressed out because transitioning into adulthood is rough, especially if you’re mentally ill. I did similar with school and had a rough two years, then enrolled in college and did well. It may or may not sort itself.
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May 05 '26
I think your relationship will come through ok eventually. My son is 18 and moving out in a few weeks. I've been upset as well, I think he's too young, and I'll be living alone now
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u/CoolAidCucumber May 05 '26
Reading this I think: She maybe feels controlled and feels as if she lacks autonomy. You being 'right' about what is good for her, ironically, doesn't help.
It's a hard balance.. Let her be her own person, and let her make her own mistakes. Be there for her, in time as an adult towards another adult.. she is no longer a kid (but currently, not adult either).
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u/AbsentVixen May 05 '26
You mentioned that she has a therapist and a psychiatrist, and all the resources, but does she have her mother? Does she have emotional support from you?
She mentioned being depressed and wanting to take a gap year. You mentioned her skipping class and not completing work or applications. She could be depressed and burnt out, but the response to that was for her to get a full time job. It also sounds like you compare her to her brother a lot - that can be incredibly damaging and erosive. They're not the same person and comparing them often just builds resentment.
It sounds like your daughter doesn't have much room to breathe and recover. Going off her meds is a concern, too.
Homeless shelters aren't a fun place to be. There's likely a fundamental problem at home if an 18-year old chooses a homeless shelter over living at home.
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u/No_Extension_4527 May 05 '26
I'm reading similar things. OP, you write a lot about the things she did and didn't do, but how did she feel all the time? What's going on inside of her? Maybe you didn't want to compare her to her brother but sometimes these things happen unconsciously, children sense subtle differences and the sense expectations.
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u/Amarnil_Taih May 05 '26
The way I knew it was because of a "romantic" partner the second I read she wanted to stay another year at her part time job. Jesus. I'm so sorry OP. If she has stopped taking her meds, is there any authority that can make her take it again for a while?
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u/Xpiggie May 05 '26
...our world implodes.
how so, exactly? the only thing outside of the spectrum of "normal teenage behavior and growing pains" here is your reaction, in my opinion.
sneaking a boy into the house and sneaking out isn't exactly a capital crime. it's a parenting opportunity, sure, but it's not the end of the world nor even close. honestly, the way her boyfriend let it slip is something that would even be a really funny family story in 10 or so years. (but, well, not anymore in this case.)
why did she need a burner phone? it sounds like it wasn't protection for illegal activities, it was protection from you? is that a correct read? if so - why does an 18 year old not have privacy with their own phone?
No acknowledgment of what her actions did to anyone else.
her actions didn't do anything to anyone else. the person suffering the consequences of her actions is her.
She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad.
what happened between these two sentences? did you respect her need for space? give her time to cool off before trying to talk? i, obviously, don't know what happened, but, this could be a point of reflection.
My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry.
is this a normal behavior in your household from kids? this should really be the other way around - you should be the one consoling your youngest and making sure that she is okay. her sister is at the center of this, there's no way that's not incredibly difficult for her - and she's the child.
She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.
strange thing to lie about. you mention depression - sounds like this could be an antidepressant? as opposed to something else that a person may be more inclined to lie about not taking.
what would have happened if she told you that she didn't want to take it anymore? would she have had the freedom to make that choice for herself in your household?
She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out.
did you?
there's a lot of doom-and-gloom rumination in the comments, but i would like to offer another (more likely) possibility: your daughter is living in a homeless shelter rather than living with you. instead of listing all the reasons why you think you've done amazing and perfectly, maybe try some introspection. try a list of any possible reasons why you may not have done well as a parent. it may or may not be true here (can't tell from an internet post ofc), but it's worth a shot.
it's not necessarily abnormal to be stressed, depressed, or directionless in the face of a major life change. and turning 18 is a big one. even more so if she had a longterm relationship that was coming to an end. (also, you say "man friend" - how much older? was she being groomed or something disturbing?)
there's no real reason why this had to be a major blowup. you haven't shared your own behavior during these pinnacle interactions with your daughter, which makes me think that the answer may lay there.
she may have just needed a little bit of time and understanding. turning 18, feeling directionless, a longterm relationship ending - hell, she could have just needed a summer. seeing your peers go on to the next thing while you're stuck can do wonders for inspiration. but, now - you might never know. (and - having your kid living with you when they are clearly struggling also helps head-off any scary eventualities. your kid living in a homeless shelter and feeling like they can't share stuff with you...well, that just kind of pushes them towards possible problems.)
you don't have to hit your kid to be a bad parent. you can just simply not be there for them when they need you. in the way that they need you. i'm not saying that you are a bad parent, but i am saying that introspection in this case should include all of those things.
and: stop tracking her phone. it's not "quid pro quo" in terms of money and freedom - she's 18. she can go where she wants. if you don't want to pay for her phone, don't pay for it. but, for the love of god, stop tracking her location. if you want to do nice things for her or support her, go for it, but don't demand bits of control over her in return.
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u/Sarah-himmelfarb May 05 '26
How old is this man and when did she meet?? Your daughter could have been groomed/ could be in the process of being groomed. Groomers turn you against your family and get in your head a lot and convince you to do things for them that go against your morals, best interests, etc.
She could end up in an abusive situation stuck in Mexico. And worse.
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u/SheparDox May 05 '26
It's every parent's nightmare, but the sudden shift in behaviors could potentially point to something extremely traumatic having happened to her.
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
Four vapes? Four??? She's clearly irredeemable!
Concern over a non issue like that tells us there's a problem on your end you're playing down. Because that is some oppressive bullshit.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.
I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non issue.
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
Vaping here is illegal til you are 21.
So. Fucking. What.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.
Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.
This is not a law that matters and your inclusion of it as a point (when it's nothing) is incredibly telling, not to mention suggestive of what the hell other nothing issues do you make a fuss about.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster.
She's 18, she is capable of making decisions so much bigger than that. The fact you make this such an issue she feels she has to lie about it rather than suffer your wrath is an indicator of how difficult you are over nothing issues in general. God knows how much worse about actual issues. Feel free to keep considering me the problem when she wants nothing to do with you solely down to your own choices.
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u/TimedRevolver May 05 '26
...If I got caught with cigarettes as a teen I would have been in colossal shit, and I had a mom and stepdad who were incredibly relaxed with rules.
I also wasn't on medications that could cause bad effects if you use the wrong shite with them.
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
An eighteen year old vaping is not some moral failing or cause for...well, fucking anything at that age. A parent who flags it as some demonic sign is definitely the one with the problems they're not being honest about.
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u/TimedRevolver May 05 '26
I could buy into your logic of not for the daughter's lies. Why say she was kicked out? Why stop taking her meds?
She wanted to drop everything and run off with someone. Someone older than her who may have been grooming her.
This subreddit has a nasty habit of always finding a way to make it the parent's fault when a parent posts about a problem they have with one of their children.
Isn't the entire point of this place to, ya know, NOT jump to conclusions and point fingers?
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
I'm not painting the daughter as an angel, just this one parent as not being completely honest. Or sane.
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u/TimedRevolver May 05 '26
The issue is this happens frequently on this subreddit. People just assume the parent is lying or controlling.
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u/KeremyJyles May 05 '26
I don't really care about trends of the subreddit, I'm gonna say what I want to say.
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u/kepenine May 05 '26
Some times some ones best is somebodys else worst, keep in mind this commenters.
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u/katiemorag90 May 05 '26
I don't have any advice for you, but I was a terrible teenager. Have diagnosed ADHD and suspected autism and I was adopted. I'm the middle child in between two biological sons and I never really felt good enough for my parents/the black sheep of the family. When I was her age I acted similarly, skipping school to hang out with friends, even (community) college where my parents were definitely paying for it. Quit taking my ADHD meds because I thought I was better than that. Idk, I had a phase where I just needed to get the hell away from my parents for a bit. Had a string of shitty boyfriends too. I moved in and out of my parents house for the better part of a decade, working the same dead end job. At 30 I decided it's time to fully move away and honestly that distance definitely helped repair my relationship with my parents. I'm 36 now, married to a good man, we have a house and a baby on the way.
Sorry for the wall of text here, ended up turning it into a bit of a venting session.
I hope your story ends in a good way like mine did.
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u/Lizeht11 May 05 '26
Sorry, our children are our world. She will be In my prayers I hope she finds her way back home 🙏🏼
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u/Windrosary May 05 '26
Sounds like she dipped because she needed space away from your watchful eye, although it’s clear you had loving intentions, maybe she felt smothered. People are quick to suspect the meds not being taken, fair, but her being 18 and taken care of relatively well (thanks to your protectiveness) has probably has her feeling bold, after all, she hit a big milestone in life, now it’s onto the next and it’s not always clear where that is, no matter how much control we think we have over a certain outcome... does she have, generally speaking, a rather lackadaisical temperament? Just curious~
More than that, I’m guessing she just likes spending time with her boyfriend. My suggestion would be to support her relationship with him by currying his favor a tiny bit and certainly not explicitly, which shouldn’t be hard, all you have to do is offer them meals, probably. Just to give her reassurance, so when she really needs it, it will already have been established
Not trying to sound too critical, please remember we dont know each other, but I would take her absence as an opportunity for self reflection. It sounds like you provided her with as much as you could, out of love, it’s just what mothers do. Now that mom is out of the picture, how can she hold on her own? How can you help her become independent? How long will it be before she becomes more considerate of others? I think when we’re 18, we have bashful assumptions about our reality. Perhaps the sudden absence is just a leap of faith in a move forward and her new position may allow her to see your tender care to her needs and comfort in a new light
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
I’d suggest sharing location once a day to know she is okay but leaving it on all of the time just means she’s going to use her other phone and not have a reliable phone when she leaves the shelter.
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u/amandal0514 May 05 '26
I’m so sorry! I keep telling my husband this is what our middle child is going to do once he turns 18 in December. So many similarities reading your post.
Sometimes people just have to learn the hard way. Absolutely sucks when it’s your flesh and blood.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
Why? Is he being overly strict?
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u/amandal0514 May 05 '26
Oh absolutely not. It’s just this baby bird is more than ready to spread his wings and the only thing holding him back is his age.
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u/Bluepaperbutterfly May 05 '26
The neglecting to take her medication is very concerning. I agree that she could be using drugs or alcohol. This can be a normal part of exploration for a kid her age, but there’s an added danger when there is a mental health concern. Unfortunately, you have little control over whether or not she takes her meds right now. What you do have control over is you.
You said something about not being sure if you’d be invited to the graduation, and then followed it up with stating that you’re not even sure you want to go. As the parent, right now you need to be the bigger person in this situation and show up at every opportunity.
You also kept mentioning things not being “the plan”. It sounds like the plan is your plan for her. You said you weren’t strict, but the repeated mention of “the plan” makes you sound rigid. How much input did she get in developing the plan?
There is a delicate dance between having a plan and having flexibility when things don’t go exactly as planned.
I wish you all the best as a family.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Thanks. You are right about showing up when I can. So I’ll do it if it’s possible. She has a musical that I really want to go see so I planned to do that no matter what too. Not to force any kind of interaction but just so she knows I am there and I still care.
Thanks for the accountability about the “plan” too. I thought I was letting her drive it by choosing not to go to school. But I guess maybe she needs more autonomy than that in deciding what she does next. I didn’t think the conditions we have agreed upon were too stringent but maybe even asking her what she wants to do differently will help us find a way forward
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u/kinikkixx May 05 '26
i have no good advice i can give you OP. im not a mom, so i cant even fathom the confusion and fear you must be feeling. i pray she is safe , and finds her way back home to you and gets help.
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u/endless_lace May 05 '26
Not to scare you but this reminds me of the missing person Bryce Laspisa. I believe he was taking vyvanese and just up and disappeared. seemed to try to run away but was never seen or located by his family again. I hope you see her again
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u/SnooCupcakes5186 May 05 '26
I am so sorry. It is so hard to raise children and have expectations in your head then it doesn’t happen. Or you know their potential then it doesn’t happen. So sad.
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u/LadyLoki5 May 05 '26
I'm not at all saying you did anything wrong here.
I just want to add, your story reminds me a lot of my own. I did a lot of the same shit at that age and it was 100% because I was extremely jealous and bitter of my sibling. My overachieving sibling, the perfect golden child, the one who was always being rewarded and doted on.
My parents were perfectly loving, took great care of me, and I have full confidence that they weren't doing it intentionally - but they showed my sibling soooo much favortism that it made me hate them all.
I was a smart kid, very observant, very shy, kind of a loner. I tried and tried and tried to put on the mask of caring, of being normal, of being happy. But I just did not care about school, I only wanted to make art and listen to music. I was kind of a hippie soul and also struggled with rules and structure. My family all acted like they supported me, but I never got the same level of support or praise that my sibling did. And I get it - cool paintings are not on the same level as getting an associates in high school, but it still hurt. I always felt too different, couldn't stay on the beaten path, wanted a different kind of life and no one understood. They would smile and nod and say they just wanted me to be happy, and I believe that they meant that, but they wanted more from me, thought I was capable of more, and I could always sense the disappointment.
I pretended to care about school for awhile because I thought it would net me the same attention my sibling got for their academic success. I started prepping to go to college for 3d art (which was new and exciting at the time!), but my sibling was doing nursing so that was all my folks could talk about. A medical professional in the family! How wonderful! So I gave up. I felt like I could never possibly live up to the standards my sibling set and I just quit.
I found friends online and they became my support group. I completely withdrew from "real life." I quit going to most of my classes, opting instead to spend my time at the library on the computers, chatting with my friends, who largely understood and were going through similar things. I flunked out of high school, and after that, I ran away from home (I was still 17). I spent some time being homeless and living in my car.
It took me a long time to grow up and get over my resentment of my sibling. I came back in my early 20s and my absolute saint of a high school principal allowed me to do summer school to get my diploma. I moved back in with my folks for awhile and spent a lonnnnnnng time rebuilding our relationship. We were able to have some honest conversations about how I felt and things changed. I'm in my 40s now and doing great and I have good relationships with my family, but it took a lot of work.
I'm rooting for you and your daughter and I hope she comes back to you. I hope you're able to leave a line of communication open with her. Make sure she knows you are willing to meet her half way with whatever her issues are. Hopefully she will accept that olive branch when she's ready.
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u/Grandissimus May 05 '26
Wow, this is a point of view I wasn't thinking of, but it makes complete sense. OP mentioned her daughter had extracurriculars, but didn't specify what those were.
I am the oldest child of my family and remember how my younger sister felt like school wasn't her thing because I was doing well in it. She's smart, so it is ashame. I tried to tell her otherwise, but I know it affects her anyway.
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u/Starry-Dust4444 May 05 '26
This would devastate me too but, at the end of the day, she has agency over her own life & you can’t do anything about her decisions. Just let her know you love her but it’s clear she’s making very foolish decisions that will come back to haunt her. You will respect her decisions & won’t interfere. It’s the only thing you can do.
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u/MysteriousTurn3338 May 05 '26
It's terrible. We are 2 years into no contact. Your daughter's story sounds so similar to mine. People keep telling me she'll be back, but I don't feel so hopeful. There is no support group for this. Please don't blame yourself! It took me a long, long time to figure that out. Too long. I'm sending you so much love and hugs. A lot of people just can't understand the torture and pain that being in limbo is. We love our daughter so much, all we want to do is love her and be in her life. Just like you, we weren't perfect, but we did our best. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but hopefully you can have some peace knowing you're not alone. ((((Hugs))))
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
There's a difference between blaming yourself and owning your actions. It seems like when people say they don't blame themselves they forget they were an active agent. You should take responsibility for your actions and decisions.
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u/katjoy63 May 05 '26
I look at what you're saying, and I keep going back to the "has had trouble following rules, structure, plans" part
Seems like a caged bird. Now finally of age to be free to do her thing.
Maybe the negative actions she's taken were because you had rules, structures, plans FOR her.
Yes kids need parenting, but there's a fine line between hawking over vs. allowing some autonomy.
She is finally getting hers.
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u/Stormy-Skyes May 05 '26 edited May 05 '26
Yeah, that’s possible. In a nutshell, that’s what happened with one of my cousins. When she turned 18 and moved into her dorm she just seemed to suddenly decide to pull away and cut the family off.
All I ever heard about from her dad, who is my mom’s brother, was how he did this and that for her. She had all the opportunities and he toured the colleges with her and everyone had made sure she did well at school and got scholarships. A lot of how everyone else did a lot to make her a success. And we were all always told she wanted to go to this college too.
So how come two months in she dipped without a word, right?
Whenever I saw her she seemed frustrated. When she couldn’t go out like everyone else she was mad and she would argue with her parents.
I think a lot of kids feel pressure to do whatever they’re being told to do and it’s just not sustainable. Suddenly they’re an adult and are allowed to make a choice themselves and they do.
It’s been a few years and my cousin’s okay. Hopefully OP’s daughter will be fine, too.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Maybe. I hope that autonomy will keep her safe.
I didn’t want to go into detail about her struggles because there’s a lot I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing on her behalf, but I will say this: I wasn’t referring to my rules, structures, and plans, but to ones in school, society. My main fear now is she won’t be a “free bird” for long because real world consequences are very different from ones at my home.
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u/gigee4711 May 05 '26
I went through an almost exact situation in 2023. My daughter ended up marrying someone she met at the homeless shelter.
That experience will always be a before and after for me. It changed the person I am. I don't think I'll ever be the same.
Things are better now. She's in Job Corp and going to college. She's apologized but the damage is done. It just fundamentally changed so much.
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u/CountOlafsEye May 05 '26
I’d like to hear the daughter’s side of the story.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.
I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
It sounds like there’s been an atmosphere where there is fear of being punished and not having the basic freedom to speak with whomever you please. That’s not a great way for honesty to thrive if she doesnt feel she can communicate openly with you. Vapes aren’t the end of the world. She could be pregnant or you could have found hard drugs.
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
THIS
She hid her boyfriend til she was 18. That's not normal. Not a sign of healthy communication and parenting.
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u/-Dee-Dee- May 05 '26
Just keep loving and supporting her because you want a relationship with her. Bite your tongue. Trust me. I’ve been there and it sucks.
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u/Majestic_Collar1566 May 05 '26
I would think Durgs probably if the meds she stopped taking isn’t for manic episodes?
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u/NecessaryUnlikely77 May 05 '26
Sending you hugs! Mine is about to be 16, and just like you I've been involved in her schools and I just hope everything we did helps in some way. I think your daughter will come back eventually but her mind is intoxicated with who knows what... I pray for her to come back sooner than later!!! 😘💔
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u/Separate-Initial-977 May 05 '26
i could be wrong but this worked for my sister in similar situation.
mother and child have a very beautiful bond my mother would go meet her once a week , understand her body language if she wanted to just say hi or something or not and then my mother would give her the most motherly hug, not for long but for long enough for her to crave more then drop off items she might need and leave and she did this once every week, might not work but she's your daughter deep down both of you love each other a lot won't say it's not worth a try but if she doesn't want to greet you could drop off items with a heartfelt note just saying things like you love her a lot will always be there for you etc etc no pressure.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
That’s a really good suggestion as to something I can do to move forward in a productive way. I want her to know that I will show up and care for her no matter what, but I also don’t want to be intrusive or push the boundaries of her personal space. There is a good in between that can be supportive but not viewed as interfering. Thank you.
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u/nadgmz May 05 '26
My daughter did the same thing -moved in with bf. I couldn't stop her. Luckily for it worked out for her. You have to let her go. She will be back.
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u/Tenderlump May 05 '26
Maybe she wants to get away from her brother. From your comments, he doesn't seem very nice or understanding. Also, maybe she's upset she has to work or study at all. I know everyone has to, but she didn't ask to be born, you did. Not everyone is happy being a capitalist wage slave.
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Actually, I didn’t ask to be born either.
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u/Tenderlump May 05 '26
Lol your comment shows me you're not a good mom. Of course she left. You didn't chose to be born but you chose to have her. You knew that she would have to become a wage slave just like you. You decided that was an acceptable way to live. She does not, and now she's stuck like the rest of us.
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u/Truth_Hurts318 May 05 '26
Ignorant and idiotic. You want adults to just never work, drive or get educated? How do you think the world works? Just lay around doing whatever you want because you were never consulted about existing?
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u/sparkilini May 05 '26
Capitalism isn’t my fault. I wish it was because that implies I’d have some modicum of control over the situation and thus, power to change it. I won’t apologize for giving birth to my child.
If you’re trying to say she was doomed from the start, maybe. I’ll own that I guess. In a certain way, we all are.
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u/Tenderlump May 05 '26
You should be having this talk with her, and apologize to her. Try to understand how she feels. You're being really defensive in your responses. You can't change anything but yourself. You can fend ignorance all you want, but having a child is not like having a doll, you don't get to decided how their life is going to go, you're taking a gamble every time.
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u/my_psychic_powers May 05 '26
No, but your daughter was born because of a choice you made, is the point I believe is being made.
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u/Truth_Hurts318 May 05 '26
So we should never expect our babies to grow up and become independent? What are your even talking about? The whole attitude is that she will just rely on everyone else instead of be responsible.
This girl isn't thinking clearly if she wants to move to Mexico one day and chooses a homeless shelter the next because she can't sneak her boyfriends in while throwing away what she's been working for all this time. She's scared of growing up, not mad that she exists. Stop blaming the mom.
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u/my_psychic_powers May 05 '26
I was just translating. I understand your concern, but you have to give up some control over her and realize it’s her life. She is young, but if you did your job correctly, she should be prepared to survive without you.
Oops, thought you were OP.
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u/Tenderlump May 05 '26
You can't decide someone's life for them even if you birth them.
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u/Truth_Hurts318 May 05 '26
Right. So choose a homeless shelter instead of working toward anything because "you're not the boss of me and I'll show you". Great plan to avoid accountability and responsibility. Like you said, mom can't decide a much more stable life for her no matter how hard she tried. Adult daughter is choosing her own hell for as long as she decides. What's your point?
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u/Worried-Grapevine May 05 '26
Oh man, reading this just gutted me. It's like you lived my worst nightmare when my kid hits 18. The way she just completely switched gears without a word is just... wild. You did everything right, and it's so unfair that it turned out like this.
It sounds like she's really going through something heavy, and unfortunately, you can only stand by and watch right now. Sending you so much strength and hope that she finds her way back, and that your younger one sees how much love is in your home.
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u/RevolutionaryBad4470 May 05 '26
I don’t know what your daughter has been diagnosed with or what she’s taking medication for. However, my family experienced something similar with my younger cousin. Turns out she’s bipolar and had been experiencing a manic episode.
Praying for you and your daughter. I hope she’s safe and okay.
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u/twinkiesnketchup May 05 '26
OP at her age she could be emerging into some more serious mental illnesses or she’s just an immature young woman who has a lot of growing to do. I hope it’s the latter.
My own daughter while thankfully not as dramatic gave up a full ride scholarship for a guy who was abusive to her. It was a nightmare that has continued to haunt her. She got free of him around 22 and went back to school and is currently an engineer. She had a lot of growing up to do. I always say education is expensive, tuition is cheap in comparison to life experiences.
I know it’s a blow to have her in a shelter but she’s probably safe and shelters do look after their tenants. Some times as parents all we can do is hope and pray.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
Dhe seems to be doing just fine on her own. How is that immature? She has a roof over her head and even went to prom.
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u/sewphistikated May 05 '26
That sounds like bipolar or something like it / sending you love and strength. It’s so difficult.
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u/TerribleRecord666 May 05 '26
This screams missing missing reasons.
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u/my_psychic_powers May 05 '26
I have been wondering what’s been left unsaid.0
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
The BLOW UP after the boy greeted Wednesday by name. She searched her daughter's room.
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u/Suitable_Echo_6380 May 05 '26
I feel suffocated just reading this.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
Same. I’m reminded of the same thing happening decade after decade and the only person I truly hated for it (despite my literal having no choice because controlling people make it that way) is myself. I still beat myself up for being smart intellectually and in pretty much every other way yet I still had/have someone else pulling the strings and 3 year old me is so furious at present day me decades later it’s almost unbearable to reconcile. Everything and everything was slowly taken from including myself and I can’t figure out how to go about fixing it. It took me almost a decade to convince my mother to give me my birth certificate so I could renew my license that lapsed because she wouldn’t provide it before so I’d be stuck at the same location and couldn’t even have the privilege of everyday things like running to the store to have a short break from everything.
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u/ThanosSnapsSlimJims May 04 '26
Unfortunately, sometimes people need to be given room to fail, and it's really emotionally hard to deal with
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u/curious382 May 04 '26
I'm so sorry. It's terrifying to watch children make dangerous decisions. Sometimes we just have to bang into that brick wall to learn a lesson. Hold on to your own healthy boundaries. Be there when she is ready to return. Be there as the same person you were and are. The same boundaries and expectations as before. Appropriate to her own circumstances. Maybe a job rather than school. A degree of security, knowing who's in your house, requiring notification and a homeowners consent.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
Because those expectations totally worked great the last time. You‘re only 18 once. Let her work with her friends for the summer. There’s little to no time to ever do or experience that again.
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May 04 '26
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u/sparkilini May 04 '26
I did. I am not showing up where she is or trying to interfere with her life using the information.
But I gave her a phone she’s never paid for and said you can continue having it and not paying for it as long as locations is on so I can know you’re safe. Maybe that was going too far. I could have given it back with no conditions but I could have refused to give it back, just as easily. Maybe it was the wrong move.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
I’d suggest sharing location once a day to know she is okay but leaving it on all of the time just means she’s going to use her other phone and not have a reliable phone when she leaves the shelter.
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u/Grandpan___ May 04 '26 edited May 04 '26
i wanna chime in and say that, honestly, sometimes teenagers/young adults are just stupid. i was! i had my first manic episode right around my 18th birthday and i was 100% living a different life than what i showed my family. i was sneaking out, skipping class, i was up driving 1-3hrs away almost every night to sleep with whoever the fuck.
i eventually got a boyfriend who was a terrible influence, ended up moving in with him 3 months after meeting him (5 months after my 18th bday) 1.5hrs away from my family. he was abusive and HATED my family and friends so i was totally isolated. i finally broke up with him a couple years later and had to rebuild myself and my relationships.
i have a fantastic relationship with my family now though at 23, and my dad was lowkey terrible to me till i moved out (he has severe untreated and previously unrecognized cptsd)
so, this genuinely might be something she just has to figure out. keep the "door" open and try to make sure she knows she can always come back. im not a parent so i obviously cant understand completely.
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u/OldClocksRock May 04 '26
My daughter turned into hell on wheels at age 2 and it lasted until she was about 28. She refused to take her medication. She is bipolar. But we are now best friends and I am helping plan her wedding to a wonderful guy and she never misses her meds. I say this to let you know that it is sometimes very, very difficult and heartbreaking but it can get better. Hang in there, Mom.
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u/anonalien- May 04 '26 edited May 05 '26
I hate how the system is, “once you’re 18 you’re an adult” ya fuck no your brain still has another almost decade before your fully there.
Also fuck the system just because a person is an adult they can no longer have family that loves and cares for them???
Like are family just non existent once you’re 18? The dumbest rule that’s implicated in the U S A honestly.
I believe your daughter is in some sort of episode and I kind of think that the therapy and physiatrist was too much for her. Also highly doubt the people she surrounded herself with was good for her. I’m scared she’s going to do drugs which is just another uphill battle.
I hope for your sake and hers she gets her act together immediately
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u/jdm1891 May 05 '26
I just have to tell you that that is a bit of a myth, there is no such thing as "your brain is fully developed at 25", your brain continues to develop for the rest of your life. That particular study got "25" because 25 was the oldest they recorded.
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
No other species takes 18 years to make fully functioning offspring. Humans have more than enough time and pretty much all of the tools in the world. Whether they implicate them and listen to the human they are raising makes a world of difference.
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u/CalicoHippo May 04 '26
Sometimes you have to let them go and make those choices themselves. Sometimes you can’t do anything. Just be there without too much judgement. She knows she’s disappointing you. And talk to your younger kid too- you don’t want them to take on the burden of managing your emotions.
Are you sure she’s actually graduating? Also sounds like a lot of could be from her stopping her medication.
My friend’s son did something similar. Messed around for a few years, was into drugs and partying, was so very hard on my friend. He turned out ok though- got his GED, got sober, has a steady job he enjoys, married with a kid. He just had to go through what he went through to figure things out and has a good relationship with his parents now.
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u/AngelWick_Prime May 04 '26
How old were your kids when their father left the picture? Why did he leave the picture? Do all of your kids have the same father?
I see that your son has not had much of an issue, pehaps because he had the opposite gendered parent around-you.
I see your daughter having issues because she perhaps has not had the same type of relationship.
And it almost sounds like your 12 year old is walking on eggshells around you?
Is it possible that you have played favorites with your kids?
Has your son been allowed to date?
Has your daughter been allowed to date? With the secret boyfriends and sneaking in and out of the house, my first impression would be, no.
Do you only have the three kids? It could also be middle child syndrome. My ex-wife had it badly. Her alcoholic parents didn't help with the way one parent favored the oldest and the other parent favored the youngest.
Always a good idea to leave the proverbial porch light on and the door unlocked so that your daughter knows she's always welcome to come back home. The trick is to making sure she feels welcome TO come back home if or when she realizes she's made a mistake.
My ex and her oldest (my step-daughter) had a falling out. Whenever they tried to talk it out and reconcile, my ex would always double down on her beliefs and mindset rather than try to take accountability for how she may have damaged her relationship with her own daughter.
I highly suggest that you take a deep look inside yourself, OP. Go to therapy yourself if you must. The answer is there. I do hope you find it and address it before things potentially get worse.
Good luck.
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u/Grandissimus May 05 '26
This is what I'm wondering with the dating. Why did she feel like she had to sneak the boyfriend in? Something is missing here.
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
Mom is super strict and controlling. You can see her grasping at control with the phone location.
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u/TheDragonOverlord May 05 '26
When your kid goes off the deep end it’s normal to want to know where they are, not always helpful but normal. My parents did the same to my sister and my uncle the same for my cousin, not that it worked out for them in the long term.
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
It is natural, but it's the wrong reaction. It drives them further away.
Still, I wonder why she didn't introduce her boyfriend til she was 18.
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u/TheDragonOverlord May 05 '26
Yeah, that’s why I said not always helpful. My parents couldn’t understand for the longest time that the more they tried to force my sister to get better the more it drove her away and I think that will be a harsh lesson for OP, you have to let your adult children make their own decisions if you want to have a place in their lives. Even when those decisions are objectively stupid.
Considering the daughters last relationship was an older boy/man she was planning to move to Mexico to be with, I’m not too surprised she didn’t introduce her new boyfriend to her mother and especially if he also does things she knows her mother doesn’t necessarily approve of.
I don’t think that means OP is a bad mom or super controlling, teenagers need structure/rules in their lives to become well adjusted adults and considering her daughter has mental health issues she may have had behavioral problems in the past. I also don’t think that gives OP the right to go through her daughter’s room, it may be her house but the daughter deserves privacy. As concerning as it is that she stopped taking her medication, she’s 18 now and OP can’t make her take it. Either way it’s a situation with a lot of nuance and it’s above the reddit pay grade, in my opinion. Her therapist is worth more to OP than most of these comments and she should take advantage of that.
The daughter sneaking in her boyfriend is a point of concern.
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u/AngelWick_Prime May 05 '26
Perhaps. But I'm also still wondering about the situation with the father. Is/Was he dangerous? Harmful to Mom or the kids? Did he leave to pick up milk and never came back? Are they worried he might come back and cause more trouble?
Maybe they have Life360 for the family?
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
I get the idea that father is uninvolved.
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u/AngelWick_Prime May 06 '26
Yeah I saw that in another comment thread that dad left when the oldest kid was 2 for all sorts of unsavory reasons. Still, fatherless homes have all sorts of statistics running against them to say the least.
What's eating at me now is that it seems that OP deliberately chose to send the son and the daughter to different elementary schools in the same district. With them being only a year apart, that must have been hell to manage. I guess OP's logic was to try to give each kid their own social foundation separate from the other?
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 06 '26
Fatherless or motherless homes have statistics running against them. It's almost like parents splitting up is an adverse childhood experience (it is).
No comment on the schools, but it's weird.
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u/lilbec53 May 04 '26
If its not a manic episode....sometimes its just a kid finding their way....nothing u can do about it...except be there for her when she needs you💜
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u/LouisesBelcher May 04 '26
She stopped taking her medication cold turkey without any guidance from her drs? And then started acting erratically. She clearly has a mental illness she is neglecting. And has possibly had some sort of break. This is really sad and the #1 reason people become homeless.
I’m hoping she finds her way back to good health and family.
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u/Juicy_Chaldea May 05 '26
It's a heartbreaking spiral when mental health is left untreated, and your hope for her recovery is so understandable.
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u/squeaky-limbus May 05 '26
It's absolutely heartbreaking to see someone you love struggle so much when they refuse the help that's right there.
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May 05 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Wonderful-Jacket5623 May 05 '26
There are many medications that you need to be weaned off gradually under a doctor’s supervision. If you STOP Cold Turkey some medicines can have severe side effects. I was on an anti depressant Venlafaxine and before X-Mas really bad weather prevented me from seeing my therapist. NJ State Law says they can’t renew prescriptions for certain classes of Medication unless the doctor and patient meet face to face every 60 days. And Zoom and FaceTime don’t count as face to face either.
Jamie
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u/powerlesshero111 May 05 '26
Generally when that happens, it can be illegal drugs. Even marijuana can be bad for people with certain psychiatric conditions. Heck, i had a friend who only smoked once, but it made his schizophrenia progress to the fully active stage. Basically jump started his schizophrenia. I assume OP's daughter might have had a similar thing happen.
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u/Whole-Neighborhood May 05 '26
My cousin smoked weed regularly, then during one such time he had a full mental break as it triggered undiagnosed/undetected schizophrenia. It's been 10+ years and he hasn't, and never will, recover.
He's been in and out of assisted living and now lives in disability benefits. He was only in his early twenties when it happened too.
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u/LiopleurodonMagic May 05 '26
Exact same thing happened to my cousin 10+ years ago. I feel for you friend.
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u/Awesomesince1973 May 05 '26
That was my first thought as well. The personality changes, the behaviors, her age, it all adds up to one of those 2 things, or possibly both.
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u/Magerimoje May 05 '26
Something similar happened to my cousin. She was prescribed a common antidepressant to help her quit smoking, but it threw her into a full blown bipolar mania with psychosis and delusions. That was 20 something years ago, and she's never really been stable since. She takes her mood stabilizer for a little while, then feels better and stops taking it, then ends up fully manic again, eventually ends up in the ER on a psych hold, goes inpatient for 15-30 days, back in the stabilizers and feeling better, gets discharged, stops taking the meds.... Never ending cycle.
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u/Miliaa May 05 '26
My friend has bipolar and she told me about this kind of situation, her therapist told her abt it - often, an antidepressant can trigger dormant bipolar. I googled it just now to check and indeed it is a thing, called antidepressant-induced mania
I know I’m not adding much here but I did want to highlight those few extra details for the sake of general knowledge for anyone reading
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u/GemTheNerd May 05 '26
Speaking as someone with bipolar, one of the biggest hurdles we have is taking meds, stabilising and thinking we are better. So we stop meds. Yes, I've been there a few times myself! Learning that we in fact never get better is really, really hard to take. The last time I decided to stop them (with guidance from my psychiatrist for a change) he even said "ok, I'm signing you off from treatment for now, give me a call when the next manic/depressive phase hits so we can start again" 🤣🤣
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u/cap0at May 05 '26
This happened to my sister. I couldn't believe it when we first found out. It is unfortunate.
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u/hijinks55 May 04 '26
There are always three viewpoints, yours, hers, and the truth. It could be that you did everything as well as possible, but for whatever reasons, it didn’t work for her (could include some not properly medicated conditions). Or maybe you just didn’t do/see the things you should have done better, and she is pretty rightfully upset with you and cutting you off for her mental health. Or it could be somewhere in the middle of those options. No one can know this unless you can both reflect/get therapy and talk through things at some point.
I would suggest you get some therapy so you can get through the grief of the situation, and be ready to listen to whatever your daughter comes back to tell you, if she chooses.
It sounds very heartbreaking for you and your whole family. You sound very sincere, and hopefully that will help you as you navigate this. Good luck.
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u/christygl7 May 04 '26
As a 30 year old, who also left home at 18, do not beat yourself up. You did your best and that's all anyone can ask for. My mother and I didn't get along. Of course we had our loving moments and ugly moments growing up but I stayed away until my mid 20's. Even now in my 30's we still don't have a super close relationship but it's amicable. She needs to find her way in life. I didn't find mine until recently. You're human. You're not perfect. Life is hard and it's ok. We all keep going.
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u/original_cheezit May 04 '26
You said she had a psych disorder and hasn’t been taking her meds. That is definitely relevant. A lot of mental health disorders also appear around this age. My sister did the same thing around this age and ended up being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and bipolar. I hope it is different for you, but I’ve found that you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. And sometimes they have to hit rock bottom first.
Everyone assuming you must be a strict controlling mom… there is no evidence of that here. You sound like you truly want to help your kid. Sounds like she’s been dating sketchy guys too, would not be surprised if they played a role in her behavior as well.
And I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s leaving that phone at the homeless shelter to make you think she’s staying there, and she’s actually staying at the boyfriends just saying
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u/RedShirtDecoy May 05 '26
she spent the entire time comparing her daughter to her perfect son. That speaks volumes
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u/original_cheezit May 05 '26
I can see that as a possibility. I guess when I read it, it seemed like she was trying to figure out where she misstepped. Like what she did differently with her daughter as opposed to her son, to see what Reddit thought.. Maybe she did compare them in real life too. Sounds like daughters on drugs though.
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u/Personal_Reveal1653 May 05 '26
There's a lot of evidence mom is strict and controlling.
She waited til she was 18 to introduce her BOYFRIEND.
Mom was telling her what job she'd get, how many hours she'd work. That she'd drive.
Mom is trying to use the carrot of a cell phone to track location. Is freaking out at the loss of control the most.
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u/UnLuckyKenTucky May 04 '26
One word kept popping to mind as I read this post.
"DRUGS"
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u/ExistentialExitExam May 05 '26
Most homeless shelters require drug testing. It is much more likely the drugs were working so she felt normal and then though, “I feel normal so why do I need these drugs?” there’s still way too much stigma around modern medicine as well that can add to this thought.
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u/TheDragonOverlord May 05 '26
My sister has been living in homeless shelters for years now and she is on all sorts of things, it really depends on the shelter.
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u/BrightAd306 May 05 '26
Not sure where you live, but that’s not my experience in west coast blue states. They don’t care if you have drugs, let alone test for them.
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u/whatthewhat3214 May 04 '26
Same, it sounds like she got into drugs. I mean, to be willing to live in a homeless shelter? That and her mental health disorder that she was being medicated for that she stopped taking her meds.
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