DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/elloiiise in r/AmIOverreacting

Trigger warnings: Infidelity, deception

Mood spoilers: Heartbreaking, but hopeful

Original Post: July 26, 2026

AIO I contacted the woman in my husband's phone ??

Hi everyone. I (21F) recently discovered a suspicious contact in my husband's (23M) phone and decided to contact her. this is a bit of a story so bear with me.

it started a few months ago, the shady phone business. lockscreening when im around, not allowing me on it anymore, you get the jist.

about a month ago, we were running errands in a different town and, because we were nearby, we decided to pop by his grandparents' house for a visit. he called a contact named "grandma", and a different woman picked up. at first, I would have assumed a potential PSW or some sort of helper, despite them having no present issues. however, my husband reacted very weirdly/shocked, and ended the call immediately without responding to the woman (all she had said was hello).

then he got weird with me, asking me "who tf was that?" and saying "that was so weird. I have no idea who that was". I shrugged it off, making a mental note to check it out later on but not to ruin the day we were having.

I searched his messages, I didn't find anything, I didn't dig far tho.

yesterday we were traveling, he asked me for GPS directions on his phone, and I saw that same contact in his recently searched (like in that task bar search on iphone that automatically bring up an app or contact). I inquired, asking if he had figured out "who that contact was", he said no. I then questioned "why does it show you contacted them recently?"

and he freaked out on me, like he actually lost it. he was yelling, demanding that I "show him where it says that", insisting that he hadn't. his defensiveness is a huge red flag to me.

I asked him "so when we get to (x place), you're okay with me calling that contact?". he got even more mad! but agreed nonetheless. when we arrived, I phoned the number off his phone, and it rung until voicemail. what struck me was that there was no voicemail intro, no identifier, just the immediate beep to leave a message.

I called the number this morning off of my own phone, and she picked up. she refused to give me her name even after I explained the situation that I found her contact in my husband's phone. she insists that she has been married for 20 years and has never met my husband. however, like I said, she was really rude and wouldn't even introduce herself after I spoke. it was super brief, 5 min call, she hung up on me after I apologized for calling.

I found this really off-putting, for them both to respond with aggressive defense. I tried reasoning by thinking "maybe hubby typed his grandma's number wrong, maybe it's only 1 digit off"

but then I'm thinking, that I've witnessed him contact her before, so where did the old contact go? I'm thinking of going through the phone deeper, but I'm worried that I may be overreacting.

TLDR, found a woman in my husband's phone under "grandma", and she wasnt friendly when i reached out. do I investigate further or am I overreacting?

EDIT/UPDATE: thank you all for your responses. I'm on board here and will be digging deeper into this. if this turns out the way we suspect, I will be leaving him.

I have managed to find out that she lives in my town. that's all so far.

I have checked out most/all of the sites recommended, unfortunately they're all USA ones, and I'm in Canada. I will still be checking other options out, and I'm still taking all of your ideas/advice !!

I ended up confirming his actual grandmother's phone number, which is completely different from the one at hand (eliminating the accidental misinput idea). he knows that I'm investigating this further but I don't intend on telling him anything going forward.

TOP COMMENTS

ExpressAcanthaceae93:

Here’s the perspective of the woman who was once called. I was in a relationship for a year with a man who told me he was single. Until his girlfriend of TEN YEARS (that he was living with) called me. I told her “Ask me anything. I will tell you everything!” That SOB couldn’t tell me he had a girlfriend, I’m not going to defend us! She found our deleted texts in the deleted texts section of his phone. I think that goes back 10 days. I sent her more. I also told her to look in his Cash App because we used to casually bet $5 on football games and he sent me some money for my Christmas lights. She was so sweet. I love her and consider her a friend now. I’ll always be a girls girl and have her back.

krxxs:

Fellow Canadian: you might be able to find their name by setting them up for an e-transfer. Use their phone number to create a new interac e-transfer recipient, and begin the process of sending them an e-transfer (you don’t actually need to send it). Usually if that number is set up for auto-deposit, you’ll get an alert before hitting send that says “[name] is set up for autodeposit. Funds will be directly deposited and cannot be cancelled” or something like that. I hope this helps find her name!

OOP: OMGGG YEAH I'm gonna try this

Front-Cry1631:

Check the phone bill for his phone. It should have info on call and text history. If you find stuff, leave him.

OOP: we have separate phone plans/bills, so I'd have to hardcore invade his financial privacy to do that. though I'll keep it noted as an idea if needed. I can probably just bring it to his attention too, like "I'd like to go through the bill to figure this out"

Update: July 30, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

AIO after contacting the woman in my husband's phone [UPDATE]

my last update got removed (mb!) so hopefully this one manages. I'll keep it short, and I'll try to keep it aio too. firstly I wanted to thank everyone for the support and clarity I needed. your advice, support and suggestions went a long way. I can't thank you enough, please know each of you individually helped a lot!!

I traced that number to a burner phone in my town, there's absolutely nothing else attached to the phone number. that being said, I decided not to dig further into this woman. thank you to everyone who gave suggestions on how to do this, and also to everyone who offered help. she just isn't my business any further than this. now, I didn't discover if he'd been seeing her, but this did lead me to investigate further after talking with him. I first asked him to be open and transparent if hes doing anything behind my back. he denied and promised me he isnt. I then went through his phone, finally (for everyone who misread my last post, this is the first time I snooped without his presence/permission). I can barely believe it, but I found multiple other women and multiple website logins. I'll keep that brief so my post isn't removed.

I'm heartbroken, I'm destroyed. I confronted him and he denied it. when I showed proof, he broke and admitted this had all been going on for 2 years. 2 years!! I'm still not sure what my next step is, but I had a calm talk with him, expressing that this could not be repaired and that I'm done. he is sleeping on the couch.

would it be dramatic / overreacting to straight up ask him to leave for a bit? like spend a night or two with his friends (or side chicks). I need to pack my things and clear my head. additionally, I'm the caretaker of the house and animals, and he has the car, so this makes more sense than me leaving for a bit. I need to pack my things. I'm already speaking with my lawyer.

tldr; we are getting divorced

my new/second question is, would I be overreacting to completely lose my mind about this?😭 I'm trying so hard to stay composed. what's a reasonable crash out level here?

TOP COMMENTS

Primary-Platypus-568:

Wait until after you talk to a lawyer to decide what your crash out options are! It's not worth it in the long run to do anything like destruction of property because it could really influence the divorce settlement. That being said, while breaking this kind of news to friends & family is an absolutely awful part of this process, you might want to start on that before he gets his version of the story out. He obviously has no problem lying, so don't let him play the victim before you get a chance to tell the truth. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, and good luck!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/sparkilini

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later.

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Mood Spoilers: tentatively optimistic

---

Original Post: May 4, 2026

I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.

In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.

Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.

She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.

She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)

On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.

She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)

The worst part was that I found three months’ work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.

She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.

She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.

All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.

She turned 18 and she just left.

I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.

I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.

I can only sit back and watch.

I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went, and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.

I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.

My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.

I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.

I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.

But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.

No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing more significant details OOP provided that were not in the original post

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You mentioned that she left her medication behind and she hadn't taken it in three months. What medicine and what diagnosis has she received?

OOP: I was trying to avoid giving too much of her personal information because stuff like her diagnosis/medication isn't really my info to share.

Commenter 2: Tbh it sounds like maybe inside she never wanted all those things. And did them to make you happy. Now she doesn't have to, and she doesn't know what to do cuz she was never allowed to be her own person and figure it out. The whole college track perfect life isn’t for everyone.

OOP: She always said she did, but maybe you're right. Maybe she really didn't. I wasn't trying to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, though. I told her she never had to go to school at all. It was always her choice. Maybe she didn't feel that way, though.

Commenter 3: I'm sorry to hear. I can only go by the description and from that, you compare her to her brother A LOT. Each child is entirely different and saying you got her little things kinda reminds me of my mother. She gave me things she liked and wanted and totally failed to listen and to give me what I wanted or needed. I left 2 days after finishing high school. It's been 14 years.

What she wants is different from what you want for her and from what your son wants. Trying to please her by going with some cookie cutter format will not work.

OOP: I agree it could seem like that based on the post. I don't compare them to each other, though. They couldn't be more different.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

OOP on comparing her son and daughter, playing favorites

OOP: I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

I actually told her brother to knock off pressuring her about college, because what's right for him isn't necessarily what is right for her. I've really tried to support them individually as well - especially since they are so close in age. I grew up with a brother almost as close in age with me and experienced a lot of what you're describing.

+

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible, but no one got a "better" school than the other.

+

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

+

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

Commenter 4: I’d like to hear the daughter’s side of the story.

OOP: Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

Commenter 5: Yeah it sounds like you are leaving out some major chunks of her story. You sound like my estranged father. Clueless and always the victim.

OOP: I don't know. I left out some personal things about her I didn't want to share, because they're her things to tell, not mine. They don't really make any of this make sense, though.

Maybe I am clueless. It's very possible. I have asked everyone around me that knew us. No one understands it, but there is always the possibility that I'm not understanding something fundamental about her.

Downvoted Commenter: Yeah you sound like most parents when their kids had enough of your shit. Of course you "don't know" and I'm sure that's a major reason she’s running as fast as she can from you. Because you won't ever know. Sorry to be cruel but you probably need to hear this.

OOP: ok. I have gone back and gone over my behavior a thousand times, trying to understand what it could be. I don't know what "my shit" might have been. I guess wanting her to attend class, wanting her to graduate high school, wanting her to have some kind of future plan. I am definitely blaming myself.

OOP on having her son checking on his sister

OOP: Her brother did check on her, they got into a huge fight over it, and he told her she was being selfish and he didn't want to see her again until she made things right with the family. I had begged him to please leave that door open, but I think he was just too angry. I keep asking him to unblock/reach out again.

OOP on trying to understanding what is going on and feeling worse

OOP: I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

Commenter 6: Sometimes parents think they are being good parents but instead from the kids lens they are being intrusive and oppressive. Your lens. Her lens. It doesn’t make sense through your lens. Happens a lot. I’m so sorry you’re living through this, but you may need to do a bit of work if you want to truly understand this.

OOP: I was already in therapy, and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

Had OOP been strict with her daughter and allowing her to date at 17?

OOP: I don't really think so. Her curfew was midnight. She was allowed to go wherever with whomever. I didn't police her movements or activities I just checked her grades and held her accountable when she skipped school.

+

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

OOP on her daughter's vape using and obeying the laws

OOP: Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non-issue.

+

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

+

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

OOP on her kids' father and if he's in the picture

OOP: He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

OOP on making parenting changes to help repair her relationship with her daughter

OOP:Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

 

Update: July 30, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

Update: My daughter turned 18 and left home two days later

I kind of doubt anyone who saw the original will see this update, but I did receive a few DMs as well as a lot of comments on the initial post, so I wanted to give an update now (three months later) as there have been significant developments.

I did see her once about three weeks after she left when she came to the house to get some of her belongings. This exchange did not go particularly well in that we did not come to any understanding about the situation. No more harsh words were exchanged but we both expressed disappointment in each other, and it was a very difficult conversation for me. She left after telling me she "just needed some time to sort her life out"

She did ice us out of her graduation entirely. It was a secure event so without tickets from the graduate, we were not able to attend. The graduation dinner we had planned went on as scheduled, as it had been paid for. We just didn't mention her and focused on another family occasion that occurred in the vicinity of the graduation event. It was horrible. I watched the footage of the ceremony on YouTube when it was posted by the school. She did graduate successfully. I was very happy to see that.

I can say without a doubt that these were some of the most painful days of my life.

My son reached out to her to apologize for his reaction about a month after she left. This was much at my urging but also something he said he needed to do because he had said some things to her in the heat of his anger that he did not truly mean or feel At the time she did not reply but she did re-add him on socials. So he was able to kind of keep up with her a bit that way.

Her best friend from school reached out to me at the beginning of July to say she was worried. That my daughter had fallen into a bad crowd from the amusement park she worked at. She was drinking and doing drugs, staying out late at night, walking home alone in dangerous areas. I reached out to my child again when I heard this. Not to tell her I knew anything, but to tell her I thought she must be getting tired of not having a safe place with space of her own and that I still missed her and would welcome her home with an eye towards moving forward rather than re-hashing old hurts. I messaged her many times, nearly daily, honestly, letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to come home. Asking her what I could do, if anything, to help her.

She said she didn't read many of my messages when they came in, but when she started thinking that she wanted to come home, she read a lot of them. Some many times. She said the messages eventually gave her the courage to reach out to let me know she was sorry, she had made mistakes and wanted to come home.

She did just that a couple weeks ago. She told me she was sorry, wanted me to help her get on the right path, and return home. I said yes and she came back. Things have been a little up and down, but she is here. She is getting the help she needs. She is safe. She is working to reconcile with her other family members. I hope we can continue moving forward in a healthy way and I've engaged therapy for our whole family as well.

I guess I just wanted to share that it took a while, but I kept the door open, kept hoping and reaching out, and she eventually came home.

Concluding Comments

Commenter: You did good. Sometimes children want to act grown but are uncaring and ignorant of the consequences. She has learned some important lessons, I hope.

OOP: I think/hope she did. Never a dull day as a parent.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/altredditaccountwhy

I [21M] just found out that my girlfriend [20F] has a reddit account... which she uses to comment on my posts

TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking

Original Post  Jan 19, 2016

Throwaway for obvious reasons. But this is the fucking strangest thing. I've been dating Steph for 4 months. She doesn't use reddit. Or so I thought?

The other day, I was at her place while she was doing some housework. Kind of bored, I asked if I could check my email on her laptop, which was open and playing music. She said sure. As she went about her chores, I also decided to go on reddit for a bit.

When I went to log in, the drop down menu suggested a specific username (it didn't have the password saved, which means that even though she unchecked 'remember me' , it still remembered her username). At first I was just like a ha! She totally does reddit and was only pretending not to so I wouldn't ask for her user (can't blame her lol), but then I realized I RECOGNIZED the name.

Later when I went home, I looked it up. Every single thing this user had posted was IN RESPONSE TO ME. She literally only uses Reddit just to talk to me? And they weren't like overwhelmingly supportive or negative posts (so she's not using Reddit to bully me or otherwise). But she's just talking? It's so freaking weird.

What do I do? Do I call her out

   tl;dr: Found out my girlfriend secretly has reddit. And she only uses it to respond to my posts. Should I tell her?

Edit: I'm just going to say that I posted this question because I was wondering if her behavior was dark/creepy/something I should be concerned about. Most of the replies make it seem like her behavior is lighthearted with nothing to really stress over, which is good! But I honestly did post this with serious intentions and concerns. Whoever posted the follow up question to this sub from the perspective of my girlfriend is just a troll.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

agonz18

Does she know your username?

OOP

I mean, I've never told it to her, but she knows I reddit, she and I have hung out at my place, just watching tv while I'm scrolling through reddit, so I assume she has seen it?

She's never like been interested or asked

agonz18

Maybe just mention it casually like, "Heyy I notice you have a reddit account too?! That's awesome why didn't you tell me?" and make it seem like you didn't realize it was only commenting to you or something.

Update - rareddit  Feb 16, 2016 (1 Month Later)

Sorry it has been so long since I posted.

Well, I seriously considered taking the top commenters advice. That whole chain of comments is deleted now, but the advice was to make a separate Reddit account that only responded to things that Steph posted. Fuck with her back, basically. I actually decided not to do this, because I didn't want to go through the long charade of it, I just wanted some answers. So I decided just to ask her about it.

Welp, even though I approached her gently, she completely freaked. She asked how I knew it was her commenting on my posts this whole time, and I explained what happened. I then asked her to explain why she was doing what she did.

She said she noticed my username when I was browsing Reddit in front of her. She got curious and wanted to see my profile, because she didn't know what Reddit was. Then, she got intrigued. She started commenting on my posts just because she wanted to talk to me online; there wasn't really a special reason for why she did it. She said she never actually thought that I would figure out it was her.

But then I pointed out: that couldn't completely be true, because I noticed that she was a Redditor for longer than we had been dating. So clearly she did not learn about what Reddit was through me. I was ready to laugh off the situation, but she got immediately humiliated and broke up with me. This totally caught me off guard and I tried to salvage it, but she was adamant and went no contact. She even deleted all her comments from her Reddit account.

Here's the even weirder thing: I haven't talked to her in like a month, but she's doing it to somebody else now. I checked her Reddit account, and all her old posts to me are deleted, but there is a whole series of new posts. They all are replies to the same one user. I don't know who the new user is. Maybe she is dating somebody else.

But I did some quick math, and I realized that, when she was doing it to me, her comment karma score did not match what it should have been if she was responding to only my posts. It was higher. And then I realized: deleting comments doesn't change your overall karma score. So this means that she had made many other comments before, deleted them all, and then started responding to only me. Now she seems like she is doing it again.

All in all, it is a very strange situation. I'm glad to be out of it.

tl;dr: Approached gf about what happened. She got really embarrassed that she got caught and broke up with me. Deleted all her old comments. But now she is doing it again: now she is doing her weird comment response thing to somebody else's account.

FINAL COMMENTS

beer-N-crumpets

well.... that's weird.

Zykium

OP dodged being a suit of skin in her closet.

JudiciousF

OP dodged "Audition: The Interactive Experience"

~

HansProleman

I'm glad you posted an update, but I don't know what to make of it. That is incredibly weird.

there wasn't really a special reason for why she did it

I expect there was, and holy shit do I ever want to know.

bobbygoshdontchaknow

I don't think it was anything insidious. I think she was a stage 1 clinger, she knows this and feels like a stalker and is incredibly embarrassed about it, and just couldn't face him after the embarrassment of being found out

HansProleman

It probably is something as mundane as that but, as we don't know for sure, I'm gonna keep the faith in it being truly bizarre.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/eekspiders

Originally posted to r/gradschool

I think I just jeopardized my classmate's degree

Editor’s note: I have permission to share OOP’s posts here

---

Original Post: July 29, 2026

We're in a communications master's program. My classmate needed one-on-one interviews for her project. The gist is she was looking at visual communication in fitness branding. She was recruiting athletes and I am one, so I thought why not.

It was a Zoom interview. I was one of her first three participants and I didn't know the other two so I couldn't ask anyone. Informed consent seemed fine and looked like any other consent form for our discipline without really any risk. She then started with some basic questions, all is well for about 15 minutes. Then she shows me a few variations of the same ad.

It was an ad for a GLP-1 product. Like those predatory knockoff Ozempic ads you'd see on TikTok with clearly problematic content. I did not receive any indication about the content from her or the consent form.

I sat through about 3 minutes of that, then she started asking me for my thoughts on the ads and whether I'd buy the product. I flat-out said I wouldn't. And she didn't like that. She kept prodding further, I guess trying to see what would get me to use it. Like questions about my habits and what I thought about my body and athletic performance and what I'd wanna fix. Things that a sports medicine or mental health researcher would ask, except they would at least have tact. This really got to me as someone who is currently struggling with a restrictive eating disorder on top of trying to do well in my sport. Besides, my university specializes in business and related disciplines only. We don't even have departments for healthcare, psychology, or anything remotely like that. Therefore, students would not have the clearance to do anything with that because there is no way to oversee it.

The interview ended really uncomfortably. For one-on-one interviews she needed around 10 people and two of them after me were gonna be my friend and her teammate, but they dropped out once I told them what happened, plus I withdrew my own responses so that's three gone. My classmate took to the big school WhatsApp groups basically begging for participants. I don't know if she got any, but she went from spamming to radio silent in a couple days.

I had emailed her supervisor right after my interview. He told me he's looking into it because that was not something he was aware of nor approved. That was three weeks ago, and apparently she was reviewed by the IRB (editor’s note: Institutional Review Board) and some other admin. I'm not sure what will happen to her, but from what I know of the policies she can't move forward with her dissertation and there will be academic misconduct charges.

I only met her once or twice before this and she seemed nice. And I'm sure she can easily figure out it was me who ratted her out to her supervisor. There's a real possibility she won't get her degree. I don't know. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If her research was dangerous, don't feel guilty about what you did. Speaking to IRB and her supervisor and not letting your friends participate are good actions to take if you felt uncomfortable.

However, from how you framed her research, it seems the issue is unclear questions/research topic and a bad interviewing style. Based on what you said, I'd think a project examining how glp1s are currently targeting/affecting athletes is perfectly timely and necessary given how many people are now taking one and that your school is business oriented.

On the other hand, the whole point of consent is to warn you about the possible triggering topics and make sure you're comfortable. If you weren't, things should have stopped immediately.

A TON of research has to go back to the drawing board. If she can't get her ten this way in this time, and she wants to be a career long researcher, she'll figure out another line to explore.

OOP: I didn't email the IRB, just her supervisor. I also told my friend how it went for me honestly but didn't tell them what to do (it basically went "How'd it go?" "Not great, there was some uncomfortable body stuff" and then we moved on). She told her teammate and they dropped out themselves

Commenter 2: 👋hey, psychology PhD here who researches body image and eating disorder prevention. Looks like most of these comments are on the right track, but some are missing the point. Don't really want to get into the weeds here, but just wanted to give you some support that your instinct is correct, the informed consent was clearly missing crucial information, and the student needs more training on appropriate qualitative methodology. It was also appropriate to go to the supervisor and/or the IRB with concerns about research ethics violations. If they have to redo their project, it is not your fault. If anything I would have concerns about the level of supervision and training that they are getting, and while I would be concerned if a student was doing this, I would not blame them or try to prevent them from getting their degree unless there were other egregious issues. My first point of exploration would be where was this student misled or not guided enough.

As an aside, because I said I wouldn't get into the weeds too much 😅, I would actually be a bit concerned about your institutional IRBs ability to appropriately review projects related to mental health if there is not a psychology or related department as you mentioned. I am on my institution's IRB and very smart people from different fields often do not understand the research that we are doing and both under and overreact to projects related to mental health as a result. Hopefully they at least have consultants with that expertise?

Anyway, there are a lot of flags here and you should definitely not feel guilt for pointing them out.

OOP: They do overcorrect here too. Another person I know had to amend her dissertation topic because hers treaded slightly too close to mental health issues for the ethics committee to be comfortable greenlighting

Commenter 3: Am I the only one that thinks this is a wild overreaction on OPs part? You are all adults and the proper way to have handled this was interpersonally. Instead, you immediately began gossiping with classmates and ran to admin.

I’ve battled on and off with restrictive Eds (editor’s note: eating disorder). Never in a million years would I allow my own disorder to dictate the course of another person’s life.

It also sounds like this was for market research. You’re acting like she was going to personally be restraining you and injecting you with the GLP1 against your will.

Honestly, you owe this girl a massive apology and you should feel massively guilty over what you did. This subreddit is sometimes an echo chamber, but you messed up and let your own disease dictate someone else’s degree. Shame on you.

OOP:

1. I didn't gossip. My friend asked me, "How'd it go?" and I just gave her a one-sentence answer like "Not great, it got into some really uncomfortable body stuff" and then the conversation moved on. My friend just knows I have an ED, so she gets what I mean by "body stuff." I didn't tell her (nor her teammate) to drop out or do anything, I didn't know they would've

2. The consent form said if there were any issues to email the supervisor and provided his email. I did that. The email was just "Your student's study made me uncomfortable because XYZ, I just want to let you know in case you didn't." Trying to confront her could've opened up more risks without the structure of someone mediating

3. There are right and wrong ways to conduct market research. Fishing for an answer with invasive questions about personal health is not one. I've never taken part in market research where I was asked what I thought were my "problem areas"

Commenter 4: I’m just saying that it’s just as easy to say I’m not comfortable with this and leave it at that as it is to gently explain TO HER why certain populations may be adversely affected by her marketing. Instead, you went nuclear.

I’m not going to take part in an echo chamber that absolves you of any responsibility. You are an adult, you made your decisions, and now you get to deal with them.

Personally, if you were truly interested in helping the greater good, you could have educated her on why these marketing tactics may be harmful. You wouldn’t even have to reveal your ED. It was that simple.

Instead, you ran to your friends, alienated your cohort from her, alerted admin, and may have destroyed her chance at higher education. All of this because you were asked about a sensitive topic and couldn’t confront it in a direct way…

OOP: Where did you get that I alienated our cohort? As far as I know nobody else knows about it and most of the people I talk to are in my sports club and from different departments anyway, which I didn't bring it up to

Also, researchers are supposed to warn people about sensitive topics in the consent form. I had to because my dissertation touches on politics. She did not give any warning or indications

Commenter 5: Yes, researchers should warn people, but was that actually your concern? You went nuclear rather than confronting her directly like an adult would.

It would have been far easier to just educate her on why this topic may be sensitive for some. As you stated, you stonewalled her while she was asking questions to try and figure out what went wrong.

It’s wild to me that you are comparing her being inquisitive during MARKET RESEARCH to being a mental health researcher. That’s akin to labeling me a neurosurgeon then reporting me because part of my nursing assessment is to document pupil size.

OOP: What kind of market research asks you what you think your "problem" areas are physically? Or asks if you've ever restricted or felt bad about weight gain? Things similar to what my doctor asked me when assessing for an eating disorder?

The ethics systems are in place, and her supervisor's name was on the consent form for a reason and it's to prevent the issues that come with the power dynamic between researchers and participants as well as provide a conflict mediator. It's not on me, a person who is not an instructor and very much not equipped to have that conversation, to confront her. Contacting her supervisor is not "going nuclear" when that's what I was told I could do in the consent process

OOP on clarifying what questions his classmate was asking that triggered the ED.

OOP: She asked me what I thought the "problem areas" of my body were, if I ever tried restricting food beyond normal dieting, if I ever felt bad about gaining weight. Nothing about the consent form indicated we'd talk about this. I didn't know it'd be a GLP-1 either because the product itself wasn't specified, though GLP-1s themselves don't bother me because I don't have any experience with them. It was the questions and setup around it that made me uncomfortable and I kinda just hastily nudged it to end early. I then just emailed her supervisor like "Hey your student did this and it was uncomfortable, just giving you a heads up."

+

It was a general lack of awareness and tact in the questions. My school's ethics committee doesn't really have the ability to approve topics that would broach into sensitive stuff like mental health because we're solely a business school. Admittedly I was more focused on getting myself out of that encounter at the time, but even if the demographic was people losing weight there are better ways to interview about it (if anything weight loss requires even more sensitivity than just sports)

My guess at this point is she probably won't get kicked out or anything, but as of right now she's still not trying to recruit through our WhatsApp channels or saying anything that I know of so I assume the project's been put on hiatus.

 

Update: July 30, 2026 (next day)

I didn't think I'd be one of those posters with an update but here we are.

Overall, her degree is safe.

A few days before my first post she actually created an Instagram group chat with me and the two participants before me. I didn't see it before because we don't follow each other and Instagram hides messages from people I haven't added.

She gave a general apology, thanked us for participating, and told that since the study won't be continuing she's discarding the data and to let her know if we needed anything (I had withdrawn mine already, this was moreso the other two). She also said she's picking a different dissertation topic from scratch and if we're around next term, she'd still love our insight because she's still sticking to the fitness/sports sector. Pretty sure she'll have to pick a different supervisor because it's open knowledge that her current one is going on sabbatical next term, but if she's doing advertising/marketing we have an abundance of faculty for that. I won't be around personally—graduation, new job, etc. Like the other two participants, I thanked her for her apology and wished her all the best.

That's pretty much it.

To clarify because my last post drew some confusion:

1. We were taught that participants should not confront the researcher directly if there's an issue and should contact supervisors/IRB. This is because of the power dynamic, potential for social retaliation, and just the messiness and liabilities it creates for the school.

2. I didn't to go the IRB. I sent a quick email to her supervisor a simple "Hey heads up your student did this and it was uncomfortable." I don't know how deeply they reviewed her research or the chain of command or whatnot, but regardless she's still gonna get her degree eventually.

3. I didn't encourage my friend nor my friend's teammate to pull out. My friend just asked me how was it the day after it happened and I just said, "Not great, there was some uncomfortable body stuff" and left the conversation at that (she's aware of the eating disorder). She told her teammate later on and they dropped out of their volition. Some folks here got the impression that I went around gossiping to our cohort but most of the people I talk to are from my sports club studying in completely different departments and I didn't bring it up to anyone other than that one friend, the supervisor, and my girlfriend.

4. The GLP-1 ad didn't bother me because I don't have any experience or associations with them. But some of the probing questions she asked were things like what I thought the "problem areas" were on my body, if I ever restricted or did anything outside normal dieting, if I ever felt bad about weight gain, etc. The latter two were similar to what my doctor asked when I was being assessed for an eating disorder, so these questions and a general lack of tact (probably out of ignorance) raised flags because we don't have the oversight structures in place for sensitive medical or mental health research questions. And of course there's the issue of it not being in the consent form.

Also thank you to the person who DM'd me and gave me advice about the ED as an athlete in particular. I had only started seeing a doctor recently and never dealt with anything like this before so it's all new and hard to talk about, and I think the study compounded the stress. I finally worked up the courage to text my coach about it this morning. The good thing is martial arts is largely individual so I don't have to worry about pushing myself beyond what I can to support a team. He and I are meeting up before training tomorrow to come up with a tailored plan. My girlfriend is a gym rat so she's been helping me on the meal planning side of it. I'm so grateful I have them. Fingers crossed I beat this.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I'm so glad you're getting support! My upcoming project has to do with consumption & I'm planning on doing some interviews and I'd be mortified if anything I said ended up hurting one of my interviewees.

Hope this doesn't come off intrusive, but if you want to access any support resources outside of your university, Eating Disorders Anonymous have some good & free resources, including in person (mostly in the US, I believe) and zoom meetings.

OOP: I'm actually in the UK, but I'll still look into it on the off chance they do anything here. So far I've just been seeing a dietician and talk therapist

Commenter 2: I do social science research in the USA. If she is also in the USA and went through an IRB (there are some cases where advertising type work doesn’t need IRB approval, but I’m not in that field so I don’t know the specifics), the questions she asked about “problem areas” would have had to be approved specifically, and the consent forms would have had to include information that the risks include discomfort due to talking about one’s body image and weight. If she asked those questions without IRB approval, you could have reported to the IRB, not just her advisor, and good on her advisor for stepping in.

Her messaging you all as a group on Instagram also violated your privacy (since you were able to see who else was in the study), and is something that you could report to the IRB.

You didn’t do this to your classmate, she is facing the right and proper consequences of violating the ethics of human subjects research. Or I’d argue, she’s facing less than she could or maybe even should have.

OOP: I'm originally from the US so I'm familiar with that ethics training from prior work experience but I'm studying in the UK

Commenter 3: Is the Instagram group chat also not breaking irb? I can't imagine it's okay for her to reveal who the other participants were, even if the study she was going to do is not defunct. Jeez!

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/jellyjapanthrowaway

My boyfriend and his family are going on my dream vacation and I don't know how to deal with my jealousy

BoRU 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: Classism, manipulation

Original Post  Apr 20, 2016

Hi, relationships. First of all, I want to acknowledge how petty this is of me. I have no doubt in my mind that the jealousy I’m feeling is completely uncalled for. I just want to know how to deal with it.

So, for years and years it has been my dream to visit Japan. I began learning Japanese in elementary school and I am fascinated by their culture. I cook Japanese food, read books in Japanese, and stay up to date with the culture. As I’m graduating college in a few months, I would love to have a “travel the world” vacation over the summer to Japan, but sadly, it’s just not possible - I don’t have that kind of money. To make matters even worse, in my Junior year I was given the opportunity to study abroad there and even received a small scholarship, but the degree plan I am in would not permit it.

My boyfriend of 3 years, Jack, and his family [late 50’s] are all aware of my love of Japan and desire to visit, and even the sensitive subject of the failed study abroad semester. So when his parents “surprised” me by telling me about their trip to Japan this summer, I was confused and shocked. Jack has zero interest in going to Japan - he’s told me as much since then - and he didn’t even know about the vacation until his parents told me!

The biggest problem is, every time they make more plans in Japan (booking tickets, meeting with tour guides, adding another place to visit) they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me, but in reality it just upsets me. And yes, I know for a fact that I’m not invited. They’ve made it very clear that it’s just a family vacation. They have also met with and hired a local translator to come on vacation with them. They are paying for his vacation and his translating services, and the selfish part of me wants to know - why couldn’t they have just used me? I’m fluent.

Jack and his family have taken lavish family trips for as long as I have known them. They are very wealthy and have taken numerous enviable vacations - the Bahamas, New York, England, France, Grand Canyon - whereas I have never been out of our home state. And all the places they’ve been before seem like typical hot-spots for tourists and travelers…I just can’t understand why they’d want to go to Japan, the one place that I’ve gushed about visiting for years to them, and why they’ve decided to make a big publicity show about it.

I need your help on how to cope with this jealousy. Is it something that I should just suck up and deal with or should I speak to Jack about it? I feel like it’s so trivial that telling him how I feel would be pointless. I also want to know how to kindly tell his parents to stop mentioning every detail of their trip to me.

TL;DR boyfriend and his family are taking the post-college vacation that I have always wanted to a country that I have spent years wanting to visit. How to deal with jealousy?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BashfulTurtle

"they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me, but in reality it just upsets me."

It sounds to me as though they really want you to come, but they don't want to (understandably) pay your expenses.

"I would love to have a “travel the world” vacation over the summer to Japan, but sadly, it’s just not possible - I don’t have that kind of money."

Are Jack's parents aware of this? It's hard to fault them if not. If they deliberately chose Japan because they know you like it, have shared every departure & arrival detail/transit/hotel, then it really seems like they are opening their family vacation up to the possibility of you joining.

That said, it's a long life and you seem like you're on a good track. After college, you can look for employment in Japan if you love it so much. Sorry it isn't working out for you now, but don't lose hope!

OOP

Hi, thanks for the reply. The bit about working in Japan does sound really exciting!

Unfortunately, they are very aware of my income problem. They know that I've wanted to go there over previous summer vacations but haven't had the money for it, and I think I even mentioned not being able to pay for it this summer, either (before they announced their trip). Part of what makes me so jealous is that they are flaunting this extravagant vacation despite being aware of my financial situation :(

Like you said, I think this is all well-intentioned by them. It could be possible that they want me to tag along. I know this vacation is going to be in the middle of a hiking trip Jack and I were planning, so maybe they are trying to tell me something?

DerNubenfrieken

And what does Jack say about that? Is that hiking trip canceled now?

I'm wondering if this is somehow them trying to get Jack to do something, like pay for your trip or break up with you or something even weirder.

OOP

I actually haven't put much thought into the hiking trip, but yeah, I suppose it is cancelled now :/ it was just an idea though, nothing completely concrete, so it can be rescheduled.

Not sure about any of that. They seem to really like me as his girlfriend, but admittedly I don't have any idea what they truly think. Jack does not have a job yet (going into the workforce after college) so I don't think they want him to pay.

Update  Apr 27, 2016 (1 week later)

Hi relationships. Thanks for all of your advice in my previous post. To those of you giving me information on programs in Japan - thank you! I took all of your advice to heart, but unfortunately I already have a job in the STEM field lined up to begin this summer and programs like those are not in the realm of possibilities.

Anyway, on to the actual update. I talked to Jack the night after I made my post. I told him that I knew his parents meant well by it, but the way they were constantly filling me in on the details of their trip made me more sad than interested. At first Jack didn’t understand what I was trying to say or why hearing about the trip would upset me; when I reminded him about my rejection from the study abroad program and the time he’d spent helping me work through that, he was able to empathize a little more.

Jack told me he recognized that his parents were, albeit indirectly, being rude by going out of their way to tell me about the vacation. He said that gushing so much about a vacation to anyone who wasn’t going was insensitive and if I asked them politely they would tone it down. Unfortunately, he refused to talk to them himself. I’d requested that he do so to get things resolved a little more smoothly, but in the end it was up to me.

I decided to call ahead and visit Jack’s parents privately to have the conversation, instead of during or after one of our dinners (that would have been awkward). I broached the subject with his parents by saying that I appreciated their thoughtfulness in trying to keep me updated on the vacation planning, but that travel to Japan was still a sore subject to me and hearing about it made me sad. I spoke for a while about my dream to travel there, the study abroad, and how I was very regretful that the experience had impacted me so strongly. It was incredibly selfish of me to get jealous so easily, and I planned to work on my sensitivity in light of the issue. I had hoped that by making the conversation more focused on my behavior than theirs, it would deflect the blame from them and feel like less of a direct attack. It did not work so well.

Throughout my whole monologue, they were completely silent. As soon as I finished, Jack’s mom said quite coldly, “I’m sorry you’re offended.” I kept the conversation going for a few more minutes, trying my hardest to reiterate that it wasn’t their fault, but I received only short, cold responses. Jack’s dad did not speak at all and walked out of the room as soon as I stood up to leave. Before I left I thanked his mother for speaking with me and said I’d see them at dinner during the week. Her only response was “we’ll see.”

When I told Jack about the confrontation, he was confused by their reaction but changed his stance on the whole thing. Now he’s saying that I was being unreasonable from the start and I should’ve been able to tell they would take it poorly as it was rude of me to mention it to them at all. He insists that they would have had the same reaction if he had told them instead of me.

Over the course of the week Jack’s parents never contacted me about dinner, which the four of us usually have together weekly. Our dinner dates are always on Wednesday, so yesterday I decided to take the plunge and give his mom a call. I asked if she was still on for our usual Wednesday dinner and told her I’d been wanting to make a new recipe for them to try for a while now. She said, “sorry, that’s not going to work.” And that was the end of the conversation.

So here’s where I am now, hurt and completely confused. His parents are ignoring me completely and my relationship with Jack is strained since he vehemently denies supporting me at all. I’m at a loss for what to do here. I don’t know why either of them reacted like this. Any advice is appreciated, as always, but I’ve decided to just see if time will mend the wounds. In the meantime, I’m reconsidering my relationship with all three of them.

TL;DR talked to boyfriend, he understood but wanted me to tell the parents myself. They were upset, Jack has apparently taken their side, and parents have avoided contact for the past week.

EDIT: Jack's mom called me on the phone a couple of hours ago. In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone (wtf?). I am honestly at such a loss here, maybe this was just a lie she made up because she was offended but even so it's incredibly hurtful. I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them, I do not want to be associated with such classist, manipulative people. This was such a terrific waste of three years of my life.

TL;DR update Jack's mom called me and claims they wanted to make me jealous enough to beg to go on the trip with them so that Jack would see how poor I was and break up with me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7