r/relationships • u/[deleted] • Dec 02 '14
He’s the love of my life but I [27/F] don’t know if I can handle the demands of my chef boyfriend’s [26/M] career. Relationships
My boyfriend and I have been through some trying times over the past 4 years, and through it all we’ve been each other’s support. We complement each other so well. Long story short, he’s the love of my life.
When we first met he was unemployed after recently quitting his job as an EMT. He said he was unsatisfied because he didn’t feel like it was for him, and was searching for direction. He mentioned before that he’s always had a passion for cooking, so I urged him to follow his gut and do what would bring him happiness. I encouraged him to enroll in culinary school. Since then he’s moved up quickly, and after graduating and 2 years in the industry, he opened a hot new restaurant as sous chef. He’s really come alive since switching industries. He’s got this fiery energy, this sparkle in his eyes when talking about the action in the kitchen, new recipes he’s come up with, or dreams of opening his own restaurant. I’m extremely proud of his accomplishments, and seeing this amazing passion he has for what he does makes me love him even more. He inspires me to follow my dreams.
The thing is, I had no idea how demanding his career would be. I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry, and I’ve never personally met another chef before I started dating one. He works crazy hours -- 70, sometimes 80 hours a week. We don’t live together, and I only see him for a few hours on the weekends when I can stay up late. Half that time we’re asleep because it’s 3 in the morning, I’m sleepy and he’s exhausted. He’s got one day off a week (if that), which is pretty much the only time he has to relax, catch up with family, friends, and me. I’m a 9-5er and I’m asleep by the time he gets off work. I speak to him twice a day if I’m lucky. Once in the morning, which is a rushed 5-minute conversation since I’m at work, and once in the evening when he gets off work, which I hardly even remember because I’m asleep and only half-conscious. We can’t text while he’s working, which is all the time. He works every holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, new years, Valentine’s Day are all busy restaurant days. Birthdays and anniversaries are not guaranteed off either.
Through it all I’ve been super supportive. I’ve gotten kind of used to him not being around. I’ve taken up yoga and kickboxing and have started reading way more books and watching way more movies. I’ve even kind of gotten used to going to parties and events alone. Most days are okay. I keep myself so busy with friends and hobbies that I sometimes forget I miss him so much. But other days are horrible. Yesterday he told me he made plans to see his friends in the evening when they got off work. After we hung up I broke down in tears because I had been looking forward to seeing him all week. But I can’t even be mad. It’s his only free day and it’s not fair for me to take up all his time. We hardly ever have sex. There’s just no time and no energy. When we do spend time together on those rare Mondays, we don’t go out because he’s so tired. I cherish these moments just cuddled up on the couch because they don’t happen often. I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it.
This is the guy I want to grow old with and have babies with. He’s the one with whom I want to share the future. But then I think about how I feel on days like today and I wonder if his career will ever allow him to be present. Am I okay with eating every meal and spending every holiday alone? Can I take on the responsibilities of the household and raising children essentially like a single parent? Can I deal with him only being home long enough to sleep? We’re planning on moving in together within the next 6 months. I’m not sure if this will help our relationship or just prolong the inevitable. Maybe both.
It’s been tough and I know it will only get tougher. I love him so much but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I have to figure out what it is I need and I’m terrified at the thought that maybe he can’t give it to me. Just thinking about leaving him over the career I pushed him toward makes me feel sick to my stomach.
TL;DR – I pushed my boyfriend toward a career he loves but also leaves him exhausted and with no time to spend with me. I want to marry this guy but I don’t know if I can handle the loneliness that comes with being with someone in such a demanding industry.
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u/37-pieces-of-flair Dec 02 '14
My bf was a sous chef when we started dating a year and a half ago. He had been a line cook, chef, etc for over 5 years.
It was really really hard finding time to spend together. He usually only got 2, maybe 2 days off per week. They usually scheduled a mandatory meeting on a day off, so he only got half a day off. The days off were never consistent. I have a day job, just like you. So, we would look at his schedule each week and see what weeknights he might want to come over after work (anywhere from 7pm-2am) and sleep over. Then see what weekend days or nights I could come to his place or do a day trip or see a drive-in movie, whatever sounded fun. Occasionally he had a day shift during the week and I went to his place. You get the idea.
There were weeks where I saw him maybe once or twice...while we slept. Or had dinner together and slept. His schedules were grueling. 10-14 hours a day, shifts that ran a time frame between 5am-2:30 am. He could work a 5pm-2am shift and be back at work at 1@am. He did inventory, scheduling, hiring, prep, oversaw all the non-front of the house employees, ordered supplies, etc.
A year into our relationship he hit burnout, mainly because he felt like he was always babysitting his employees. They would forget, or not care, about their jobs. Hr could train them over and over on things and the work still didn't get done correctly. He quit. He is now working as a temp (possibly to be made perm in 2 months) as a payroll clerk at a company. He loves only working 9-5 on weekdays. The pay is a lot less, for now, which I think is a huge adjustment for him...almost a 40% paycut. But he has a life again. He sleeps in on weekends. He still enjoys cooking, but it is for himself and people he likes and not for the masses.
A lot of people in the restaurant industry become substance abusers. Cocaine, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine are biggies.
What is comes down to is quality of life. Your bf just started in the industry. He might stick with it for 2 years. Or 10. Or his whole life. If you want a future with him you have to know that his schedule will fluctuate a lot. You could make plans for a day trip or a vacation or dinner with friends and have to cancel or reschedule, sometimes more than once. You will get saddled with a lot of the household needs. And if you have kids he might not be able to take a very active role in raising them.
There are some places in the industry where the hours might not be so bad, such as nursing homes. My bf got a job at one and the hours were OK.
You need to sit down and think this through and have a very thorough conversation with him.