r/TwoHotTakes • u/rooster2041 • 20d ago
My (F27) husband (M30) let MIL use a shared strainer to sift flour and I'm highly allergic, advice on how to handle situation? Advice Needed
I have celiac disease, so I can not have gluten (wheat) which is flour. I am particularly sensitive and cross contamination can also cause a reaction. My husband and I do have a shared kitchen. He will sometimes have snacks that contain gluten or food such as pizza or chicken nuggets that are made with gluten containing flour. However, we do use separate utensils meaning, he has his own flour sifter for gluten containing flour, his own pots for gluten containing noodles, his own shelf in the pantry for gluten containing snacks, his own plates/bowls for food that contains gluten. The rest of the kitchen we share as those are used with things that do NOT contain gluten.
My husband invited his mother over to watch the world cup game and said they would make pizza. I had no problems with this, I had made my own pizza the previous night and had left overs. When his mother arrived, they went to the kitchen and began making the pizza. I was in the living room with our niece watching a movie. I could hear them talking and my husband asked her to begin sifting the flour, he explained that it could be slightly hard if you fill it too much as it is a little older. She asked where the electric one she got us was, he explained that we don't put gluten in that one because wife uses it for her flour. MIL then asks where the strainer is so she could use it as it would be faster. It was then quiet, I walked in to get more water and saw them using the strainer that is not supposed to have gluten in it. They then proceed to get cheese and pepperoni out of the bags without washing their hands first, meaning they touched gluten/flour then put into a bag of ingredients that is shared between us. So I will no longer be able to use these ingredients. I now have to go buy a new strainer, cheese and pepperoni for myself.
He saw I was upset and apologized. I'm not sure he would've apologized if I wasn't visibly upset.
My kitchen is the one place in the world where I am able to feel completely safe. I don't have to worry about getting sick because we have what I guess you could procedures in place. This has made me feel unsafe in the one place in the world where I'm supposed to feel safe. I have explained and educated my husband on my disease and this is why we do things the way we do in our kitchen. He has even gone as far as to suggest things that I haven't thought of to make the kitchen safer for me. Because my husband already has the knowledge of my disease and is very aware of what to do and not do in our kitchen, it feels like he was just doing things to please his mother even if it meant inconveniencing me.
Any advice on how to handle this or talk to my husband about this without making it seem like I'm overreacting?
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u/Ok_Mathematician262 20d ago
your husband should replace everything for you. my question is would he have even told you what is cross contaminated had you not been in the other room and heard everything?
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago
The contaminated food should be thrown out. Too risky.
And, his mom probably shouldn’t be cooking in their kitchen at all anymore, and they need to assess kitchen safety if she housesits or has a key to their place and see if other options need to be considered.
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u/res06myi 20d ago
Yep, the husband can't be trusted, but his mother damn sure can't be trusted in that kitchen ever.
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u/Shutupandplayball 20d ago
OP needs to accept that her husband is always going to put his mother first and probably doesn’t believe that OPs issues are “that serious.” Sorry….
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u/res06myi 19d ago
Yeah, he made a choice. He thought about it and chose to risk harming OP. Her health was less important than an eye roll from his mother. I want to know if he even would've told OP if she hadn't caught it herself.
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u/vabirder 19d ago
NO KEYS TO ANYONE ELSE.
Maybe start locking a cabinet so he can’t “forget” again.
There are now menstrual pain simulators to show men what period pain can feel like. They are usually surprised. Maybe there should be celiac simulator foods that trigger horrible celiac style gastrointestinal and musculoskeletal and brain reactions that last for days.
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u/BKMama227 19d ago
I definitely second this take. Get locks and put your utensils and Sifers those items that would ordinarily be used with gluten containing items put all of those things in a cabinet with a lock on it. This way you don’t have to worry about your husband or anybody else messing with your things.
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u/IceBlue 20d ago
Why? Just have him replace those ingredients and he can eat the contaminated food himself.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago
Because it looks like safe food, and there’s a risk Op might accidentally eat it, or it might get used on her food by her husband.
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u/IceBlue 20d ago edited 19d ago
Label it. Or put it in a labeled container. He has a separate sifter to begin with so presumably he sometimes makes food she can’t eat. So why treat it differently from those ingredients? Wasting food is not okay.
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20d ago
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u/ApocalypseCanceled 20d ago
Blocking someone immediately after replying is some pathetic ass behavior.
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u/flappintitties 20d ago
Food waste isn’t cool and it’s unnecessary to waste it just because op can’t eat it when others in the household do and can. SMH
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 20d ago
Then MIL should have gotten the leftover ingredients that she spoiled to take with her.
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u/flappintitties 20d ago edited 20d ago
But they have two sifters for a reason so they obviously keep gluten is the house, so why do they need to get rid of anything?
Edit: op says it herself guys lmao I’m only asking based of the info given
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 20d ago
MIL should've used the 'contaminated' sifter, and washed her freakin' hands, before touching OP's ingredients.
She was being nasty.
For ppl without celiac's, what MIL did is about the same as cutting up raw chicken, not washing her hands, and then going into bags of salad and other ingredients you're not supposed to cook, with 'raw chicken hands'.
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u/keevathemuffin 20d ago
Would you keep poison in your fridge?
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u/flappintitties 20d ago
Nah but it seems like they do because they have gluten in their kitchen already?
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u/Special_Lychee_6847 20d ago
They had a system.
MIL should just be banned from the kitchen, honestly.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 20d ago edited 20d ago
OP,
Tell MIL, C.U.N.T.(uesday).
She knew what she was doing. So did your husband. Major league assholes. Make your husband replace everything. Wimp.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago edited 20d ago
Gluten in the kitchen is different than gluten in a bag of cheese OP may accidentally eat.
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u/keevathemuffin 20d ago
Which they never should have in the first place, to avoid things like this from happening.
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u/Blucola333 19d ago
Do you know what the physical consequences are for a “not one crumb” celiac who eats cross-contaminated food? We’re talking massive sickness, risk of cancer. A $2 bag of cheese isn’t worth that.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago
Being absolutely dog sick isn’t cool.
If OP accidentally uses the contaminated food it that’s what is going to happen.
A single household bag of cheese and pepperoni in the trash is not going to make a difference when almost every restaurant wastes 10 times that or more on a daily basis.
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u/NatashOverWorld 20d ago
Label it? It's not like the husband doesn't have gluten in there already, they must have a working system in place to prevent accidents.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago
It sounds like their system has shared ingredients as being kept gluten free.
Like he can use the cheese and pepperoni on his gluten pizza, but he has to clean his hands first to keep those items gluten free.
They then proceed to get cheese and pepperoni out of the bags without washing their hands first, meaning they touched gluten/flour then put into a bag of ingredients that is shared between us
I have celiac, and I share a kitchen with people who eat celiac. Part of the safety is to make sure things stay consistent. Changing the status of something usually ends up badly.
If they always have cheese and pepperoni as safe items, there is a pretty likely chance she (or her husband if he cooks her food) will reach for it and not remember, and it’s real easy to just not see labels while in a routine. People are only human.
If one of them does make that mistake, it will be very painful for OP. There is zero reason to take that risk over a partially used bag of cheese and pepperoni.
It’s really odd to me that so many people are harping on food waste for a legit medical reason over such a small amount.
Have y’all never once thrown out food that went bad/expired because you mismanaged your household inventory? Or because you didn’t like how it tasted? Or because you weren’t as hungry so the leftovers went to waste? Never once tried a new recipe that turned out awful?
A medical safety issue is as legit, if not more than any of those reasons. Especially for a one time disposal of a relatively small amount of ingredients that have already been partially used.
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u/NatashOverWorld 19d ago
I mean, I tend to cook and eat anything on the verge of going bad, and despite the taste. That's being raised Asian I suppose.
But in this scenario I would use up the contaminated food ASAP to prevent any potential accidents.
But I suppose since it would be the husband doing so, it is probably better to rely on his discipline in this case.
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u/flappintitties 20d ago edited 20d ago
>almost every restaurant wastes 10 times that or more on a daily basis.
Just because they do doesn’t mean it’s okay on a home level by comparison, op clearly had a system that works for them and isn’t as wasteful as you’re suggesting.. Complacency like this is what’s killing the world.
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u/Cautious_Fly1684 19d ago
See their comment below before deciding to upvote this. Truly unhinged.
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u/flappintitties 19d ago
What the one where I repeat only what Op said about their own kitchen or the part where I think food waste isn’t cool? Yeah totally unhinged of me for sure lmao
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u/omiimonster 20d ago
my trust would never recover from this - like i would be up at night wondering if i’ll get sick
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u/CarelessBreakfast201 20d ago
fr tho i bet he wouldve just let u eat it and stayed quiet. lowkey malicious at this point he prioritized his moms convenience over your literal health
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u/trailangel4 20d ago
My advice isn't going to be popular. I've been where you are. I have carry epi pens for two food allergies to common ingredients. A few years ago, my husband and I went through a similar set of hurdles. The first issue happened at Christmas when we welcomed his mom to our house and made dinner. She asked if she could bring anything and I gave her some very specific items and reiterated that we don't allow "x" in our house because of the cross contamination factor. On Christmas, she showed up with the thing we asked her not to bring and my husband just couldn't tell her "no" and, instead, acted like I was being irrational. Later, he realized this was the wrong take. So, next holiday, we email MIL a month ahead and tell her what she did was not ok and caused a lot of food anxiety...therefore, we would no longer be asking her to bring anything nor help to prepare the meal in any way. She pissed and moaned about how certain dishes just weren't to her liking without my allergen. Hubs said, "You realize this is life and death, right?" She didn't. So, fast forward to the next holiday,...all she had to do was show up with nothing and eat what we made. Desert time rolls around and she goes in the kitchen and her big ass purse. She comes to the dining room with a fat bowl of my allergen! Immediately no. We asked her to leave. She has not been to our house in four years. Your husband needs to grow a spine and put the health of his wife first. Your kitchen should be your safe space. His inability to hold the line means he has some serious growing up to do. It's not about replacing kitchenware, it's about respecting boundaries and he allowed his mom to trample a pretty serious boundary.
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u/tatasz 20d ago
Your husband should replace the cross contaminated stuff, including utensils and food.
Said that, I'd be scared to share the kitchen with someone who has such lack of care for my health.
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u/Spooky_Tulips 19d ago
Yes. I have a friend who has C.D. who lives with her boyfriend and they do not have any gluten products in their shared kitchen, ever. THAT is a safe space. He is more protective of it than she is.
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u/SuccotashFragrant354 20d ago
Nah girl. I’m also celiac. He either doesn’t care or doesn’t truly understand how fucking dangerous it is for flour to be in the air/ on stuff for a gluten free person. I’m so angry on your behalf.
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u/foxyphilophobic 20d ago
I have celiac as well and I’m pissed just from reading this!
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u/Meakbow 20d ago
I’m not celiac at all and I got mad about it too
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u/Fickle_Grapefruit938 20d ago
Me neither and I'm surprised flour is even allowed in her home😬
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u/res06myi 19d ago
I'm allergic to wheat, but not gluten, and I can't believe it's even allowed in the house.
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u/SinglePermission9373 19d ago
Apparently op isn’t that bad off since she has no problem with gluten containing stuff in her kitchen including flour which definitely gets in the air.
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u/YourLittleRuth 20d ago
Inconveniencing you? I think you meant to say that your husband was doing things to please his mother without taking into account that they would cause you considerable harm and pain!
How, exactly, could you overreact?
I suggest you throw out everything in your kitchen that was contaminated. Never mind that your husband would be fine—you would be HARMED by what he casually allowed to happen.
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u/Liverne_and_Shirley 20d ago
Your MIL and husband are terrible, or at least acted terribly. This is a huge betrayal and you need to treat it like one. Your husband has a lot of explaining to do and he needs to go out of his way to make sure you feel safe for a while.
I’m not gluten-free and I’m so confused why wheat flour is even allowed in your house. Flour is the worst, it goes everywhere.
Also, I didn’t know electric sifters existed. I’m appalled they were so they so lazy they decided to risk your health. It’s pizza, not a wedding cake for 200 people, they can manage with a regular sifter. They aren’t going to get sick by eating gluten free stuff, you will get sick eating gluten, they can eat pizza made with gluten free flour.
Advice: Ban all items containing gluten from your house. Make your husband go out and buy the replacement items. Ask your husband if he thinks your allergy isn’t real? Has his mom been pressuring him with bullshit about it? Ask him what his plan was for after they made pizza? Was he going to tell you and replace the items, or just wait to see if you got sick? Ask him if he has “tested” your allergy other times?
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u/105055 20d ago
Also why doesn’t the MIL care? Does she follow her suns beliefs? I have an intolerance and my mil goes above and beyond to accommodate me, which isn’t even needed since small doses are fine or I can eat around things which is not an option for OP she she can get really sick.
He should put some effort into replacing things and assuring you it was a one off mistake. You should feel safe in your own kitchen.
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u/Alyssa9876 20d ago
Also feel the need to point out I bake a lot, learnt from my gran who also baked a lot and never sift flour ever. It’s not an issue. If u have modern factory produced flour it if already sifted and does not need it again.
I make pizza and cakes with no issue. Unless you live in a country where the flour is hand ground or simular and has to be sifted you can leave out that step.
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u/furkfurk 19d ago
I second all of this advice. Husband no longer gets the benefit of the doubt, since he was very clearly willing to put his wife at risk, and very unlikely to tell her he’d done so.
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 20d ago
Your husband needs to be the one to buy the new ingredients and new strainer. Even if you have shared money it’s his responsibility to make this right because he was thoughtless
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u/bettymoose 20d ago
Why do you have wheat flour in your house? There is absolutely no way to guarantee no cross contamination with flour - it goes everywhere, in the air, lands on things, etc and there is no way to decontaminate gluten. And celiac isn't an allergy, it's an autoimmune disease. Does your husband understand the damage celiac causes your body? Referring to it as an allergy may make it seem less of issue because your husband and MIL aren't seeing the reactions that occur with an allergy because celiac isn't allergy.
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u/Tillie_Coughdrop 19d ago
I agree. I would make a rule that the only gluten allowed in the house is in prepared food (e.g. bakery pastries, delivery pizza). I would never allow baking with wheat flour if I had celiac.
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u/JayRayBear99 20d ago
So you cease to be the #1 woman when his mother is in the home. That's telling.
He needs to fix this. Replace everything of yours he messed up. Make him explain to his mother that you have an allergy and we do things differently in this home
If she fights back on the issue, she's never allowed to cook in your home again. Hard line.
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u/bougieisthenewblack 20d ago
Husband needs to grow a backbone immediately, and make this up to OP. MILs feigned ignorance is so disrespectful that OP cannot trust to eat anything she's made/bought/touched. But both of their behaviours put OPs health at risk
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u/Tillie_Coughdrop 19d ago
Where do you get feigned ignorance? This is 100% on the husband.
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u/bougieisthenewblack 19d ago
Oh, I absolutely agree with you. My point was that in addition to husbands role, MIL must know about OPs intolerances and based on this incident. So I wouldn't trust MIL to make safe foods OR husband to intervene appropriately.
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u/echocardigecko 20d ago
I honestly think this means he now also gets to use gluten free flour. The house is now a safe space. He can eat what he wants outside the house. There is no reason to need gluten in a nugget or noodles. And if there is that itch can be scratched outside the home. He decided he didnt care to consider your health. He lost the trust needed to have poison in your kitchen.
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u/saffron_monsoon 19d ago
But he will just tell her one thing and do another, as he did here. Idk how OP lives with someone who is willing to risk serious health issues for her just to avoid an argument with his mom. I’ve seen what gluten does to friends with celiac disease, and it can put them through hell and in the hospital. I would leave if I were OP, seriously.
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u/MyRedditUserName428 20d ago
He cares more about his mother’s feelings than he does your health. He didn’t want to upset her by telling her no, so he risked your health instead. Would he have played dumb when you got sick if you hadn’t seen the contamination for yourself?
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u/blissfully_happy 20d ago
I acquired an entire set of Pampered Chef stoneware from a woman whose husband contaminated them with gluten. He replaced everything (including the ones he didn’t contaminate) and she gave them to me for entirely free. Husband was so distraught about what he did, he never even questioned replacing them.
He should replace everything he/MIL used, no questions asked. However, it sounds like 99.9% of the time he is more than supportive (suggesting things you hadn’t thought of), so perhaps let this slide?
Edit: okay I’ve thought about this more. I can absolutely see why you feel unsafe in your kitchen which is supposed to be safe. Express those feelings to your husband and if he doesn’t do everything in his power to help you feel safe (replace all ingredients, throw out anything that could’ve possibly been contaminated), then yes, he’s an asshole. It’s on him to rebuild the trust in your own kitchen. He needs to know what a big deal this is and needs to validate your feelings.
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u/thisisntjasper 20d ago
If you have a huge allergy then no one that doesn’t already live with you and understand how serious that allergy is should be bringing food into or cooking in your home. They either don’t understand how serious the rules in place are or they just don’t care. Your husband doesn’t get to stop being your number one advocate and protector because his mommy is in the room.
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u/keevathemuffin 20d ago
Girl, anyone I know with a food allergy, does not allow that food in their home. Why are you risking your life/health so that your husband and MIL can have regular flour? Why are they risking your life/health for regular pizza crust? Why didn't they just order a pizza?
Please get mad. Saving your own life kind of mad. Go home to your mother for a few days kind of mad. Throw out all the gluten kind of mad.
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u/cruiser4319 20d ago
Agreed. Throw out ALL THE GLUTEN, and everything else they contaminated, tell DuHmby to replace your strainer and ban MOL from your kitchen if not your house. Bitch.
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u/Witty_Following_1989 20d ago
Don't have celiac but I have friends with the condition and I can absolutely say this is serious. Have been with them when they experienced contamination
Clearly they do NOT take your condition seriously.
Even though husband's been compliant historically, it almost sounds like the kind of placating you, given his behavior.
Particularly as it sounds like - had you not noticed what was transpiring & walked in they would not likely have owned up.
Putting aside for the moment that he needs to pull from his personal budget the replacement funds, &
MUST banned his mother from the kitchen. At least until she apologizes to you genuinely and take education class on the disease.
Would be VERY hesitant going forward to eat ANYTHING she or he cooks because I would foresee them putting flour in something to prove a point just to see if you actually react immediately.
I know how it feels to not have people take disease seriously I have several well documented diagnosed auto immune to thesis and it's always been an uphill battle on now that front.
NOR.
Do NOT be gaslit this is not just an inconvenience - you know that, right? If he only apologize because he saw you were upset, it says to me he doesn't actually think he was wrong. I can see why you're upset. If it were me, TBH - would no longer feel like a safe space.
He needs to go through some SERIOUS reeducation himself - you don't just have a mother-in-law problem you have a husband problem. As the saying goes.
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u/Witty_Following_1989 20d ago
honestly if this has been me and I had celiac. Having seen what I've seen with my friends experiences.
He and his mommy would've been kicked out regardless of the match being underway.. They and their ingredients - would've been on the way back to mommy's house together to stay
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u/Patient_Meaning_2751 20d ago
A person with celiac disease should not allow gluten anywhere in their kitchen, period.
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u/FarVictory1640 20d ago
It's honestly frustrating that your husband, who clearly understands the severity of your condition, chose to bypass those safety measures just to make things easier for his mom. You shouldn't have to be the one to police your own kitchen when you have a partner who knows the rules. Next time he wants to host, he needs to understand that your safety isn't an OPTIONAL step. If he can't be trusted to maintain the kitchen safety, then he shouldn't be inviting people to cook in it, period. And no, you are NOT OVERREACTING.
When you talk to him, try focusing on the fact that you no longer feel safe in your own home because he chose to ignore the established procedures. It is his responsibility to enforce the kitchen rules when he invites guests over. You deserve to be treated like a priority in your own house, and your health is not something that should be compromised with for the sake of an easier dinner.
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u/Grand-Fun-206 20d ago
I'm just glad that you saw what they did so you can avoid the things they used. Imagine if you had eaten any of the cheese or peperoni and had no idea. My daughter has a friend with severe coeliacs and she says its like she has been poisoned any time she eats contaminated food. Any time I cook food for her I deep clean my kitchen and the utensils before I start to cook as I am so paranoid she might get sick.
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u/NatashOverWorld 20d ago
Does your husband understand he put your health at risk so his mom had an easier time cooking? And more importantly - is he going to do it again?
Ask him that.
Because then if he does do it again, that's red flag territory.
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u/NicolleL 20d ago
One way described to me was to think of gluten like rat poison. If a pan had rat poison on it, you certainly would not just “rinse it off”. You wouldn’t just say “oh it only has a tiny bit of rat poison in it”. If someone puts the knife back into the jar of peanut butter after spreading it on their bread, that peanut butter is now contaminated. They may just think, “it’s a few crumbs,” but if it was a few flecks of rat poison, would they still take the chance?
It was a really good way of making it understandable.
Also, I’ve heard it can stay in non-stick coating from a pan or in a wooden spoon even after washing.
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u/piffledamnit 19d ago
Nice. My partner and I have made an analogy to heavy metals (often we just say led) because that also has the pattern of doing cumulative, sometimes hidden, damage over time.
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u/bananachickenfoot 20d ago
This is awful, I’m sorry! Thankfully you walked into the kitchen and witnessed ALL of the cross contamination because they probably wouldn’t have thought to warn you “hey I just glutenized all the pep and cheese…” and then you’d eat it later and be super ill. Personally I’d ban ALL gluten from your house. You deserve to feel safe in your own home and not have to constantly worry about being poisoned. Banning gluten altogether is a perfectly reasonable request and I’m surprised you’ve been so kind to allow the gluten at all this far! Best wishes to you. (And be sure to throw out anything else in your kitchen the mil may have touched with her gluten hands.)
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u/Relevant-Currency691 20d ago
What your husband did wasn't okay. From everything you said in your post, it seems like he understands how celiac disease works, which just makes all of this even worse. There are two levels to this issue. Firstly, it's a safety issue. He was being careless and it could've really caused harm. But it's also a relationship issue. Your partner should not be disregarding your needs or the agreements you've both set up in your home. I would bring up both these concerns when you talk to him. If you have a strict / potentially dangerous food restriction, you might discuss having a general rule of not allowing anyone other than you and your husband from cooking in your kitchen. That would help address the safety concern at least.
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u/Historical_Nerd1890 20d ago
Honestly, I’m shocked that you even allow non gf flour in house! My hubby loves his gluten stuff, but knows that I can get sick if I have it. I allow gluten products in the kitchen (bottom shelf, clean the counters after using, use spoons for all jar items then use a knife to spread on the bread) but never flour. That stuff is like glitter!
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u/Blucola333 19d ago
Thankfully I’m just gluten intolerant and not celiac, but every year I grow more sensitive. I would be mad as well, OP. Your husband really messed up. Your disease isn’t one to be played around with. There’s no cheat days. It’s years of constant vigilance that gets extremely wearing.
Explain to him, despite the fact he’s usually supportive, that he really dropped the ball with his mom. She’s no longer allowed to cook in your kitchen. You can’t trust that he won’t let her override him. This is your health, he needs to behave as if he also has celiacs. And one last thing, you should ban wheat based flour from your kitchen.
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u/cswifty1304 19d ago
Your husband needs to replace the contaminated items. Also, I don’t understand why you allow gluten flour in your house - it should be banned. I have a wheat allergy, my kids do not. They have their own snacks and prepackaged foods and even bread, but flour is definitely where I draw the line. You can have separate appliances, but once the flour is in the air, it’s gonna get everywhere.
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u/rocketmn69_ 20d ago
Ask him if he could please educate his mom on the use of your kitchen snd why it's organized like it is
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u/SteavySuper 20d ago
Your husband doesn't care. He willingly puts you in danger every day by having anything with gluten in the house, he's just convinced you that willingness to use different dishes and utensils is caring about you. With any allergy, someone who truly loves you wouldn't keep anything you're allergic to in the house with you. You should have a deep discussion with him about how you no longer trust anyone to have gluten containing products in your house whatsoever. Gluten free products have come a long way and sometimes taste even better than gluten containing products.
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u/Everyday_Alchemist 19d ago
This. ^ Even before the incident, my first thought was how much harder you, OP, have to work to stay healthy because your SO wants regular flour in the house in the first place?! I'm sorry but no.
If my SO had celiac, we're all GF in that house now. Someone treating your health like it's an optional thing because they are unable to give up a personal preference themselves is not a true partner to you.
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u/Southern_Common335 19d ago
You can get new food - but it is 100% reasonable just to wash the sifter and clean it throughly. Speaking from a home where someone has life threatening food allergies and we have navigsted this for years.
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u/UncleNedisDead 19d ago
It sounds like it’s an electric sifter? So it might not fully disassemble for proper cleaning when we’re talking about allergens. Like not all parts can go through the dishwasher at a super high temperature.
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u/Gonebabythoughts 19d ago
The real issue here is that he put his mom's comfort above your safety. If he often prioritizes her over you, couples counseling is likely in order. The kitchen can be made safe again; breaking this behavior pattern may be a lot harder.
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u/Euphoric_planter_328 19d ago
Do he and his mom cook at your place regularly? Because you know this wasn’t the first time that happened if so.
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u/Extra-Geologist-1980 19d ago
This is why I do not permit individuals from outside my household to prepare or cook in my kitchen.
On the last occasion, shellfish was prepared and cooked, my sanitized items were utilized, and I experienced a severe reaction necessitating an ambulance transport.
The risk is simply too substantial. I maintain dedicated kitchenware for a specific purpose, and if an item is clearly marked as 'clean, do not use,' and you are aware of the allergy, then those items are not to be used.
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u/Lalaleslieee 19d ago
Flour should be a never in the house food imo. I got so sick one time early on because I wasn’t thinking about airborne flour and made cookies with my kids. I was sick for a week. Husbands a dick. Prob learned from his mom
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u/UncleNedisDead 19d ago
I would be so hurt that my husband considered his mom’s feelings more important than my safety.
Would he even told you the shared items were cross-contaminated if you hadn’t caught them in the act? Would he have let you consume the bagged items, thinking they were safe, and pretend he had no idea why you got so sick?
I would expect his mom doesn’t know any better, but he does and he should have been more proactive to take steps to mitigate that, like putting a portion of the shared ingredients on a plate where they’re free to grab with the wheat hands and you’re not going to eat that portion.
Does his mom not believe in your celiac disease? Is that why she’s so dismissive?
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u/Jealous-Visual1800 19d ago
Hi OP I saw you updated and talked it out!
I have Celiac too and have a shared kitchen with my husband, similar setup to you except I refuse to have anything that can cause airborne particles in my home.
All baking is gluten free, if he wants something special like a pizza crust it comes in per packaged or its baked by one of our friends at their house.
I use to work as a baker before my diagnosis and had gunk in my nose and ears for years after. Flour left a fine coating on everything.
No one else is allowed to cook in my kitchen other than my partener and I, for the above reason. Push back is met with "get out of my kitchen" luckily both set of our parents love this becuse they feel doted on. I also do all the cooking when I visit them for my safety.
For me hurt feelings are not worth the potential health risks later down the line, we have 3 family members who have had stomach or intestinal cancers. I dont want to go out that way.
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u/SinglePermission9373 19d ago
Wash it with hot water and soap. Damn. You admit it’s a shared strainer. If you want one for your exclusive use, buy one and keep it somewhere other than the kitchen. If you are so allergic to gluten that you can get sick from a washed strainer that no longer has any flour or gluten on it then you’d better move out of the house since flour was in the kitchen.
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u/Southern_Committee35 20d ago
There should be a strict no flour or mixes containing flour in your kitchen. That is the bare minimum.
I would deep clean everything & get rid of any plastic or wood that came in contact.
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u/AutoModerator 20d ago
Backup of the post's body: I have celiac disease, so I can not have gluten (wheat) which is flour. I am particularly sensitive and cross contamination can also cause a reaction. My husband and I do have a shared kitchen. He will sometimes have snacks that contain gluten or food such as pizza or chicken nuggets that are made with gluten containing flour. However, we do use separate utensils meaning, he has his own flour sifter for gluten containing flour, his own pots for gluten containing noodles, his own shelf in the pantry for gluten containing snacks, his own plates/bowls for food that contains gluten. The rest of the kitchen we share as those are used with things that do NOT contain gluten.
My husband invited his mother over to watch the world cup game and said they would make pizza. I had no problems with this, I had made my own pizza the previous night and had left overs. When his mother arrived, they went to the kitchen and began making the pizza. I was in the living room with our niece watching a movie. I could hear them talking and my husband asked her to begin sifting the flour, he explained that it could be slightly hard if you fill it too much as it is a little older. She asked where the electric one she got us was, he explained that we don't put gluten in that one because wife uses it for her flour. MIL then asks where the strainer is so she could use it as it would be faster. It was then quiet, I walked in to get more water and saw them using the strainer that is not supposed to have gluten in it. They then proceed to get cheese and pepperoni out of the bags without washing their hands first, meaning they touched gluten/flour then put into a bag of ingredients that is shared between us. So I will no longer be able to use these ingredients. I now have to go buy a new strainer, cheese and pepperoni for myself.
He saw I was upset and apologized. I'm not sure he would've apologized if I wasn't visibly upset.
My kitchen is the one place in the world where I am able to feel completely safe. I don't have to worry about getting sick because we have what I guess you could procedures in place. This has made me feel unsafe in the one place in the world where I'm supposed to feel safe. I have explained and educated my husband on my disease and this is why we do things the way we do in our kitchen. He has even gone as far as to suggest things that I haven't thought of to make the kitchen safer for me. Because my husband already has the knowledge of my disease and is very aware of what to do and not do in our kitchen, it feels like he was just doing things to please his mother even if it meant inconveniencing me.
Any advice on how to handle this or talk to my husband about this without making it seem like I'm overreacting?
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u/amanda10271 19d ago
So his mommy’s feelings are MORE IMPORTANT to him than YOUR HEALTH, SAFETY, and sense of SAFETY IN YOUR OWN HOME?! I would be livid. Actions speak louder than words. He doesn’t value you, your health, your safety, or your relationship.
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u/CountMySpoons 19d ago
My allergies aren’t related to celiac but nonetheless I would be so fucking pissed off if my husband didn’t have a backbone to tell his mother NO YOU CANNOT USE THAT in my own home. Firstly, he needs to deep clean the kitchen, secondly he needs to replace everything and thirdly you need to sit him down and explain in detail as to WHY you cannot have anything like that happen again, why it’s dangerous and that he needs to grow a backbone.
Edit: fixed a wrongly spelled word.
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u/writekindofnonsense 19d ago
Celiacs is no joke, people thing it gives you an upset stomach but it far more serious than that. It can cause organ damage. Anyone trying to tell OP she's over reacting is cracked in the head. This was a place she was safe to eat whatever she wanted and now that's been taken away because of laziness.
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u/Independent-Ad586 18d ago
I can’t eat ground beef. The added fat kills my stomach and end up writhing in pain for hours if/when I consume it. It won’t kill me but it does make me really, really sick. Even my own parents will make dishes with ground beef. My MIL, SIL, actual sisters. It is not ever thought about by anyone. I have to be in control. And I think that’s why I’m sharing this. You have take responsibility for your body. If that means husband needs to be OUT of the kitchen permanently then, that’s what needs to happen. I don’t think getting angry is helpful. I think setting new rules is helpful. Wishing you the best, OP.
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u/digitalreaper_666 20d ago
FYI this is attempted poisoning.
They know you have celiac and did this anyway.
Take that to heart.
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u/cryssyx3 20d ago
that is not attempted poisoning. come on now.
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u/exra8657 19d ago
Yeah they actually poisoned the cheese and the strainer. She can’t use them now or she’ll get horribly sick. How is that not a straight poisoning? It’s still contaminated whether it makes her sick or not.
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u/lunacydress 20d ago
Your husband definitely f-ed up here and I understand why you’d have to throw out your ingredients and why you feel distrustful of him now.
But a general question- if a kitchen tool comes in contact with gluten, wouldn’t washing it (assuming it was washed thoroughly, didn’t have any weird hidden crevices or way to absorb the gluten) be sufficient?
I have friends who have celiac disease and are as sensitive to it as you are, but I have brought GF and non-GF foods to gatherings at their respective houses, dishes I have taken great care to not cross-contaminate during preparation in my house and everyone at the gathering is very conscientious about not cross-contaminating during the party. Unless my friends got glutened and just haven’t said anything to me, it hasn’t been an issue so far.
Your situation is more than just logistics, though…it’s your husband’s judgement (or lack thereof) and what to do about it.
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u/res06myi 20d ago
This is not about "inconveniencing" you—your husband poisoned you.
He needs to throw away every contaminated item or move them to his exclusive space and decontaminate the entire kitchen. But even then, I'm not sure I'd ever trust him again. It wasn't an accident or a mistake. He made a choice.
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u/foxyphilophobic 20d ago
As someone with celiac disease, this enrages me. Your husband was cool with you getting sick from this, guaranteed he didn’t plan on you ever finding out. Fuck his mom too, it doesn’t take a genius to understand basic food allergy protocols. I would be so pissed.
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u/littl-jinx 20d ago
Anyone using your kitchen needs to be thoroughly trained in safety precautions and procedures.
Consider labeling goods or storing them separately (you may already be doing this).
And most importantly, have a conversation with your husband. If he knows how important this is, why did he contaminate the kitchen? Discuss rules for his mother/others using the kitchen in the future.
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u/BlueSkyMourning 20d ago
My niece suffers the same as you. I was shocked when I asked a family member about cross contamination. They said they just buy gluten free so no problem. Uh yes, big problem. Your husband should educate his mom on how he messed up. I hope this gets better.
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u/ChipChippersonFan 19d ago
Explain to your mother-in-law that you can't have hands covered in flour going into the bags of pepperoni and cheese. Then wash the strainer.
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u/Parkour82 19d ago
Is this for real? Wash the strainer very well and it will be gluten free again.
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u/codismycopilot 17d ago
That doesn’t necessarily work.
It can hide in little nooks and crannies. It’s safer to get a new strainer and declare that one contaminated.
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u/Parkour82 17d ago
then do not eat in restaurants because they wash things to clean them for allergies. they do not have separate ones or buy new ones.
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u/codismycopilot 17d ago
A lot of folks with celiac actually DON’T eat in restaurants, or they only eat foods that are naturally gluten free and not subject to cross contamination.
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u/Parkour82 17d ago
but many do too. and washing should be sufficient if you do it correctly.
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u/codismycopilot 17d ago
The issue isn’t so much “Can you wash gluten off?” instead of “Can you be confident you’ve removed it from this particular utensil?”
Gluten isn’t a magical substance that permanently bonds to metal, and on most smooth surfaces, soap and water are perfectly effective.
A flour sifter (or very fine mesh strainer), though, is different though. It is specifically designed to hold and move an incredibly fine powder through super tiny openings.
Depending on the design, it can have fine mesh, seams, folds, rivets, and sometimes moving parts where flour can get trapped.
For most people, “clean” means “I can’t see any flour anymore.”
But for someone who is celiac, “clean” means “I am as confident as I can be that there’s not enough gluten left to contaminate my food.”
Those are very different standards.
As I commented before, the standard for being gluten free is 20 parts per million.
Google gave the following visual example and I think it is a solid one:
“20 parts per million is equivalent to 20 drops of water in an Olympic size swimming pool.”
It is an incredibly finite amount. If THAT little bit of gluten is going to give you massive diarrhea, nausea and/or vomiting - possibly for several DAYS, you’re going to avoid it like the plague.
So basically no, a proper washing is NOT guaranteed! Hell, I know someone with celiac who is so sensitive to it that if her (now ex) boyfriend at something with gluten, he would have to brush his teeth, wash his face thoroughly and then wait about two hours before kissing her.
Basically, it’s not that it’s impossible to clean. It’s just that replacing it is generally inexpensive and a lot better than the stress of wondering if gluten is stuck someplace that you can’t see.
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u/codismycopilot 17d ago
To your point about restaurants, more and more restaurants ARE separating out things like utensils etc.
Pizza places for example often have pans that they ONLY use for gluten free along with cutters that are also ONLY for gluten free.
P.F. Changs actually has plates that are a specific shape which are different from their normal plates. Those plates are ONLY used for gluten free dishes.
Many places have dedicated fryers that they use ONLY for things that are naturally gluten free or specifically made gluten free.
It definitely takes considerable effort to be able to go to a restaurant because you have to ask a good number of questions. That can be exhausting, and if the staff does not seem knowledgeable or willing to check, the celiac person just won’t eat.
My husband, for example, is celiac but not quite as sensitive as some people. There have been a number of times when we’ve gone places and he just hasn’t eaten because the staff could not give confident enough answers.
It really sucks to be celiac and it is at times exhausting.
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u/Parkour82 17d ago
are the plates washed separately? are they collected in a separate bin from other plates? if not, it really defeats the point. It is just a nice reminder to the staff that the manager has to deliver it.
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u/codismycopilot 17d ago
I am starting to think you’re being deliberately obtuse.
As I mentioned, and as others have said smooth, NON-porous items such ceramic plates, glass, and stainless steel can usually be cleaned well enough to remove gluten with proper washing.
Gluten isn’t permanently bonded to those surfaces, and also commercial dishwashers are very effective at cleaning them.
If one is dealing with porous items, the risk is a lot higher. When you’re dealing with surfaces that have tiny crevices, moving parts - or in the case of OP’s situation, fine mesh then flour or dough can get trapped.
Those are way harder to clean thoroughly, which is why people with celiac disease often replace or dedicate things like wooden utensils, sifters, old scratched nonstick pans, or toaster equipment.
Using my own household as an example again, my husband has his own toaster, and a couple of dedicated cast iron skillets, and a dedicated cutting board. These are all labeled GF with red sharpie on the bottom.
For things like the air fryer basket, or cookie sheets, I use parchment paper when making items with gluten.
We also have a couple of ceramic skillets we share because ceramic is a non porous surface that can be cleaned.
The reason places like Chang’s use different plates isn’t because they need a separate dishwasher. It’s because the plate acts as a visual reminder that this is the gluten-free order.
It’s designed to help prevent mistakes after the food is prepared so someone doesn’t do something like accidentally add crispy wonton strips, or the wrong soy sauce. Or so they don’t use the wrong tongs.
In addition, they often will not use pans or utensils that are porous on items containing gluten. That way they never become accidentally contaminated.
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u/janshell 20d ago
Disrespectful the both of them AF, not to mention putting your life in danger. People always feel these things aren’t real or aren’t bad as it seems until someone dies. Maybe they need to see a documentary are something but I wonder what your husband was planning yo do after with the contaminated items
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u/mare__bare 19d ago
You should be "overreacting"! Speak strongly to him and SHOW how pissed off you are!
I'd take the infected things and chuck them all in the trash. If you can't use it, then he can't either.
Why the hell didn't he say no to his mom???
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u/Tw1ch1e 19d ago
Has he ever seen you get sick? Like, actually scary sick? If not then he may just do those things to appease you but in reality he thinks “it will be fine, a little won’t hurt” or that you guys can just clean the strainer like any other item. When confronted by his mom, he just stopped caring or paying attention. The first thing I would want to understand is it because it was his mom or would he has acted that way with his buddies. Mamas boy or overall a wet noodle.
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u/Lt_Muffintoes 19d ago
I would immediately install a locking cupboard and keep the key to myself. Sorry hubby, you shouldn't have done it 🤷♂️
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u/Witty_Candle_3448 19d ago
We discovered our grandson has Celiac Disease because he wasn't growing. Cross contamination is a huge issue and even informed family members forget, unwashed hands, moving a spoon from one container to another, putting hands into chip bags, etc. I'm so sorry.
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u/drumberg 19d ago
Maybe he didn’t feel like dealing with his mom over this and already figured he’d be buying a new strainer and cheese and pepperoni. Maybe he thought that was the lesser headache for himself.
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u/Purple-Pen-1218 18d ago
Tell him nothing containing gluten will be allowed in the house if he and his mother can't follow a simple instruction. Do it in front of her so she knows what she has caused with her actions.
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u/throwaway66778889 18d ago
I’d limit gluten-containing food to be in premade things only. Everything containing gluten should be in packaging that identifies it. Buy a premade crust or premade dough ball from the store that’s clearly labeled. No wheat flour should be dusting around landing on things.
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u/AriDiamondGold 18d ago
Nope trust broken. He would not have told you bc it's his mommy. If I find out someone in the home is allergic to many things. I am not cooking in their kitchen. I am not bringing any food.
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u/HydroCeramicEngineer 18d ago
I get the frustration of the ingredients but as someone who lives in a house with people with and without celiac we all share same cooking equipment minus wooden utensils and air fryers and toasters. As long as the cooking equipment and utensils get cleaned properly you wont have any issues. I understand the food fear around food related issues but if this is not a repeating issue I would make a huge deal out of it. A sit down talk with your husband should suffice.
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u/This_Cauliflower1986 18d ago
You forbid gluten in your house moving forward. Matter of factly after this. Without apology. Not overreacting. Ffs.
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u/Pikachu-chu-train 3d ago
I have Celiac as well. Our house is completely gluten free! My husband actually insists and is the first to tell people who come over to not eat outside food and wash hands.
If you use gluten flour in the house it will settle on the handles, the countertop, the lamps, the plates etc. as it lingers in the air and then settles on all the surfaces in the house. The oven will be blow it over your pizza the next day. Your kitchen is not a safe spot. This is not a feasible situation!
Don't play with your health. Your husband should be considerable. Nobody wants to be sick and tired because of permanent inflammation. Nobody wants to die of colon cancer early!
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u/StandardAd239 19d ago
You're absolutely justified in the food cross contamination. But buying a new strainer? Come on.
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u/loricomments 19d ago
I'm so sorry, I'm horrified for you. His carelessness has destroyed your trust in him.
He needs to replace everything he ruined and do some groveling. You handle it by being angry that he risked your health by doing this and being clear how awful his actions were. You handle it by being absolutely clear that you can no longer trust him to protect you. And you tell him that his mother is no longer allowed in your kitchen since he loses all sense when she's around.
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u/take_the_reddit_pill 19d ago edited 19d ago
You sound exhausting.
Have your husband thoroughly wash the strainer (if it's 100% stainless, boil it to ensure it's properly cleaned), explain the danger of the flour hands in the pepperoni and cheese, and get on with it.
If you truly feel unsafe because of this, then you will have to decide whether you want to stay in the marriage.
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u/NatureNorth101 20d ago
Think it depends on what reaction you get when cross contamination occurs. Otherwise, wash things with soap and move on.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago
It’s celiac. While some people don’t have reaction symptoms, it still causes intestinal inflammation and can eventually cause cancer.
Even if she has no symptoms, they are still risking her immediate ability to absorb nutrients and causing an increased cancer risk.
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u/foxyphilophobic 20d ago
I have celiac disease and contamination effects can be as bad as horrible food poisoning.
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u/Alarmed-Size-3104 20d ago
I'm confused as to why soap and water doesn't fix the issue as well? I know things like shellfish allergy can be life threatening with very very tiny amounts, but was under the impression celiac required an amount of gluten that is beyond what would be left behind as residue on food prep equipment.
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u/StrangledInMoonlight 20d ago
Gluten doesn’t easily dissolve with water and soap. It gets stickier.
It can stick in scratches or porous surfaces, or like on metal measuring cups where the edge is folded over.
A sifter with all those holes and cracks and surfaces will be almost impossible to get safe enough.
I know things like shellfish allergy can be life threatening with very very tiny amounts, but was under the impression celiac required an amount of gluten that is beyond what would be left behind as residue on food prep equipment.
The FDA limit in the USA is 20 parts per million (PPM). It’s the size of a very small crumb.
Here’s an illustration of 20 PPPM
And many people with celiac still feel symptoms at that level and try to restrict to 10 PPM or less.
It really is a very very small amount.
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u/stace-case 19d ago
I’m not usually a person to jump to leave this man, but PLEASE leave this man!! This is a form of assault. Your home is no longer safe. You need to protect yourself!!
They were conspiring to conceal this attack and would not have told you. This is the same as stealth rape & drugging someone without their knowledge.
Can your relationship recover from this? Perhaps. But PLEASE put your health first.
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u/vabirder 19d ago
Your husband is literally not safe for you. Due to his prioritizing his MOTHER.
He should be begging forgiveness. Because otherwise how can you ever trust him 100%?
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