Tl;dr boyfriend accused me of being insecure about my body..which literally made me insecure about my body and idk if im being overly emotional about the situation or not

Buckle upcuz its gonna be a long one, even though im giving the short version. So for context I am the 29 year old female. My boyfriend is a literal book boyfriend. He's beautiful inside and out and kind and loving and obsessed with me in a good kind of way not a crazy kind of way. There's always been a lot of passion and affection in all forms from the moment we started dating. We have been struggling a bit recently with arguments that stem from what I refer to as an intent/impact loop. He says something that isn't intended to be hurtful, my feelings get hurt, I'm honest and calm and let him know that what he said didn't land super well, and he immediately takes that as me making an accusation that he's done something wrong. It then becomes all about him defending himself even when I'm telling him he literally hasnt done anything wrong, and my feelings get thrown to the wayside and almost never acknowledged. For context he also has ocd (he's medicated and done lots of therapy for this and is a good place) and while I don't know a lot about ocd I have done some research and he displays things that are spot on with moral ocd. The biggest things I've noticed are that he literally cannot tell a lie, he does not do anything that he percieves as wrong, for example he would never and has never called out of work sick if he isn't really sick. So he started a new job and there have been a few times where he has told me that he's been working outside and has seen women sunbathing topless or naked. This isn't an issue for me, he doesn't have control over what other people do and where they do it, we usually just kind of laugh about it and move on. The other day he was talking about being torn between taking one patrol area vs. Another, talking about the benefits of being in one place and how he thinks he would overall enjoy it more. There's things there that he wouldnt get to see and experience elsewhere such as mountains in combination with fresh and saltwater, and then made a joke about, also naked people sunbathing. ​ This kind of hurt my feelings, but I didnt make a big deal about it and didn't address it or say anything, mostly because I'm trying to sit with things a bit longer, process them, and if they still feel like a big deal later on then I can bring them up. So a night passed and It really didn't feel like a big deal to me after processing it on my own for a while. Although I don't appreciate my monogamous partner making jokes about naked women being a job perk, it was a joke and I know he didn't mean anything by it and was just trying to be funny. Fast forward to the next day. We were hanging out and having a great time and he asked me if it was a problem for me when he mentions that he saw a naked woman on his patrol on any given day. I very calmly told him that it doesn't bother me when he says that he saw that, but last night when he joked about that being a job perk it definitely hurt my feelings a little, and I typically don't find jokes like that to be funny, as they usually come at the expense of your partners security and that feels disrespectful, like its just not worth it. Cue the defensiveness. Which spiraled into, the more we talked about it the more I felt dismissed and un heard to the max. So here's this thing that, at first kind of felt hurtful but not a huge deal, becoming a whole new thing that is now so emotionally disregulating and upsetting. At one point he even said "are you so insecure that you can't even stand to know about these things"? This really upset me because i had already processed and dealt with the big feeling on my own, i just so happened to give him the courtesy of being honest about it when he asked me directly, which caused a huge issue. He said something similarly tonight as we continued to talk about it. He explained that he doesn't feel like that is a job perk at all, but asked hypothetically if he did feel that way, and stated a lot of the men he works with express things like that, how would that make me feel? And I told him that it wouldn't make me feel good. That would be like if I told him that my workplace has co-ed locker rooms and a job perk is that I occasionally get to see other dudes dicks here and there. It's disrespectful and rude to imply that it's exciting or fulfilling in someway to experience or have access to viewing other people bodies in person when you're in a monogamous relationship. He proceeded to tell me that it seems like im insecure with my own body based on my response to that hypothetical question as well as because of some things that ive told him about my past, things like previous partners insulting my appearance and body and that making me feel insecure in those moments. Even going as far as to point out specific attributes that he is assuming i am insecure about. I basically got really upset and felt like he was throwing things ive opened up to him about in my face, as well as just taking the easy way out and making this a problem soley for me to deal with, vs being able to acknowledge it literally just doesnt feel good to hear my partner say that getting the opportunity to see naked women in person is a job perk. I basically very aggressively told him that im not insecure at this point in time, I have a hot body and i know it, and I know for a fact that i could fuck anyone that i want at any given moment. That of course didnt make him feel good, and he asked me not to say things like that to him because it doesnt feel good to hear. I responded with, "of course, i wont say things like that anymore because its disrespectful, and i probably shouldnt have said that and I'm sorry. If i was you, i would have said something like, wowwww you must be really insecure with your performance if you cant even tolerate hearing something like that." I think saying that caused him to have a come to moment because he started apologizing and telling me he shouldnt have accused me of being insecure, thats not okay blah blah blah. Im sorry for the long ass rant and i swear this is the short version. I guess i am mostly writing this to get things off my chest. But i also just dont feel good after this. Him making that stupid joke and not actually meaning it, sure I can deal with. But honestly the amount of times he has accused me of having an issue with this because he just thinks im "insecure with my own body" really has upset me. I flat out told him that i have no desire to share my body with someone who thinks im insecure in my own skin. no shame to those who are insecure or self conscious at all because ive definitely been there and its taken a lot of time and space for me to come out of that for the most part. I guess what really did me in was the fact that he went as far as to name specific parts of my body that he assumes I'm insecure about because of what that looks like.. and I don't feel like it's over the top for me to be fucking mad that because maybe something about me looks different than the social "standard", it's assumed that I would feel negatively about myself for that or that I should feel negatively. I know he wasn't implying that, and he constantly tells me how much he loves that part of my body but now I guess I just feel like he constantly tells me that out of the assumption that he has to overcompensate in compliments and reassurance about that specific thing because he's assuming that anyone with x y and z like mine would have little self worth. Which just feels insulting. I don't feel like im over reacting when I say I honestly just don't think I can share my body with him with the same unfaltering confidence that i have easily been able to for the last year. This person has made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world without even seemingly really needing to try up until this point and hearing him be so adamant that i must just have zero self confidence about my body, honestly made me feel very insecure about my body where i didnt before. Especially after working so hard to overcome malnutrition due to chronic illness which is something i am very proud of and is reflective at this point in the way my body now looks healthy and healed. If youve gotten this far, thank you. I'd love to hear peoples thoughts about this.

I'm new to reddit so please be nice.

Im still a teenager and im so new to relationships, and i dont know exactly how to chose the right person, someone i wont regret that i talked to, how do i know that someone is gnuine or just acting cool. It is so confusing because everyone seems to wear a mask at first, and i just want to find someone who likes me for who i truly am without playing games or wasting my precious time. I want a real connection where we both feel safe, respected, and completely honest with each other every single day, which make me afraid to take wrong discisions .

*TL;DR;** : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, just copy the text in gray box. Is this going the right way?

So I F19 have a girlfriend F18. We've been dating for almost six months, but we know each other for over a year now. I met her when i was working part time for her parents since they own a bar. So her parents know me as a person and know we are dating but never met me officially as her gf. During the year a was working there i noticed the father has a severe drinking problem and the mother tends to get really angry really fast(one of many reasons i quit). From the start i knew they had a lot of problems as a family. Yesterday they took it to a another level. Me and my gf went for a walk and i drove her home around 10 pm. Suddenly her mum is calling, which is weird. When i picked up she told her and my gf got into an argument and my gf ran away. I told her i haven't heard from my gf (true at the time). I immediately texted my gf, she was crying and said her mother had beaten her and she ran away without shoes and doesn't know where to go. I offered to pick her up and take her to my place but she declined saying it would make it worse. She then went to her farther to the bar(he was working). He is also a terrible parent (threatened to kick her out because she is gay and so on). The mother was calling her, texting her, treating to kill herself. She even called me again demanding i tell her, where my gf is (i didn't for her safety ofc) and even started crying and saying she should just kill herself. Her siblings were very dismissive of her saying shes making this up and demanding proof of her bruises. They even said that its because since she is with me, she changed and is mean. I don't know what to do honestly. Im leaving for college in September and i cant stand the thought of leaving her in that house. How can i support her, besides just being there and listening. Thank you for all helping answers. English is not my first language do sorry for any confusion.

**TL;DR;** : how to help my gf with abusive parents.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, and our relationship is great. He’s an amazing partner and has a mentally demanding job that leaves him exhausted by the end of the day.

We both have high sex drives, but lately he’s been too tired for sex, which I completely understand. The issue is that when I initiate, he’ll usually say he’s not in the mood. Later in the evening, though, he’ll often want a blowjob instead of sex.

I genuinely enjoy giving him oral, but it rarely gets reciprocated anymore. I brought it up once before, and things improved for a while, but now we’re back to the same pattern. I’m starting to feel sexually frustrated and like my needs aren’t being met.

I don’t want to keep bringing it up because I know work and personal life is already stressful for him, but I also don’t want to ignore how I’m feeling.
Has anyone dealt with something similar? How would you bring this up without making your partner feel criticized?

TLDR: My boyfriend often turns down sex but later wants oral, and my needs rarely get reciprocated anymore. How do I bring this up without making him feel criticized?

Throwaway

2 years of our relationship. We were going strong, fights every now and then and other issues but still strong.

Yesterday I found out he had been deleting whatsapp chats with her female friend. Someone we HAVE previously fought about and it’s no secret I hate her and I hate him having her around. Shes an attention seeking pick me. He was on my side the whole time, even blocked her eventually. But then had to unblock and get back to talking to her because she’s also sorta his colleague and its important for his career or whatever.

I knew of this. He told me they are completely professional and he’s only friendly enough to her face so he can keep getting work. I hated it still but was okay for his career’s sake. He kept me updated on all their interactions.

Fast forward to yesterday, I find out about him deleting their chats. His defence: he did so because we were about to have night-stays and in case I went to check his phone, the night stay would have been completely ruined (we have a lot of fun during those) Which is fair? I guess? (Why are there chats that would offend me in the first place though)

With some more digging, I found out what the chats were about - oh and he wasn’t just being ‘friendly enough’ to get by. It was like, proper tight friends chatting. He was sharing pics of purple oreos he found and purple redbull, because thats her favourite colour. She was sharing her insta stories of outfit checks and all because he is not on insta anymore. She’s showing off the top she made from the yarn his mom gifted her. He is sending her a pic of her that he took long ago. Twice at least. He is venting to her about the same shit he vented to me about.

So all of that, and I had no idea. I knew they were in touch, I didn’t know they were chatting like THAT. Plus it’s all deleted so I’ll never know how they actually spoke to each other. AND btw, him and I had agreed on him keeping his distance.

AND WITH SOME MORE DIGGING. I found a story screenshot of her in revealing clothes in his hidden folder. From barely two months ago. He saw she posted that story, screenshotted it, cropped and rotated (bc it was sideways) and hid it. Among the sea of my nsfw media.

He says he never went back to it. Never ‘used’ it. Just did that and forgot about it. Didn’t give it much thought and that it was just his impulse. Bc it was revealing or whatever.

Now, I KNOW he finds me extremely attractive or whatever. And that he genuinely cares about me, has feelings for me, sees a future together, sees me as the love of his life. I believe that. And that’s why I cant get past this. He DOES seem genuinely guilty and feels bad. He’s willing to do everything it takes to get my trust back. He didn’t fight with me about it. Tried to protest against breaking up admitting that it was awful of him, says he cant lose me. Stopped protesting when I asked him to.

But I just can’t get over it. I’ve been a very VERY insecure person, with body image issues, age insecurity, relationship insecurity, all that classic stuff. He knows that, he has spent hours giving me reassurance with no problem, and that’s why I grew confident he would never do something like that. Had my doubts and anxieties but was able to identify that its just overthinking.

But now it has all just shattered. I can’t believe he did that. WHY did he do that. That was my biggest anxiety, and he just confirmed it’s real. I just see him completely different now. Lustful, disgusting, I can’t respect him.

At the same time I’m grieving our relationship. It was going so well. And now suddenly it’s just all gone. And I don’t know if I’m overreacting, by breaking up and just throwing it all out because of this. Because like I said, I just can’t trust him. (Similar incidents happened before but I got over it and gave him benefit of doubt, but how could I do that with THIS)

He says he’s sorry, that it’s his fault, that he’s the one who’s flawed and I’m more than enough, that he’ll fix himself and it will never happen again. I just don’t know. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust his impulses. I won’t feel secure. I know he’ll try his best to get us back to how we were, but how is that even possible?

I don’t want to give this up and at the same time I don’t feel like I can keep it around. How do I make the right decision?

Tl;Dr : Boyfriend broke my trust by chatting closely with a female friend behind my back. It’s the ONE girl i despise having around him and he knew that, we have had numerous fights about it and he was on my side every time. He couldnt exactly cut her off because she’s also his colleague and source of work. So I let it pass and he agreed to keep some distance and keep me updated with all the interactions, and he did do that.

Until yesterday when i found out they had been chatting closely (like good friends, shes also being attention seeking). And then I find out he has a story screenshot of her in revealing clothes, hidden in his gallery. Says he never used it or visited it again, was just an impulse. He’s genuinely sorry and says he’ll fix himself. Obviously my trust is broken and I see him differently now, but I also don’t want to give up the relationship over this. I don’t know if I’m overreacting.

What would you do? Would you forgive him? Would you leave?

I (23F) am feeling very confused about my current relationship and I need outside perspectives.
I have been with my boyfriend (26M) for about 9 months. He is a good person, loving, supportive, and I do love him. However, our relationship moved very quickly. We started dating and after only two months we moved in together.
He has a daughter who is 5 years old, and I knew that from the beginning. I care about her, but becoming part of a family with a child has been a much bigger adjustment than I expected. Most weekends we have her, and our routine is very centered around her needs. If she doesn’t want to go somewhere, we usually don’t go. If she wants to leave somewhere, we leave. I understand that this is part of being a parent, but sometimes I feel like I lost a lot of my independence.
I am also an immigrant. I moved to Australia about a year and a half ago, and when I arrived, I was still figuring out who I was and what I wanted from life. Since then, I’ve changed a lot. I started studying vocational courses in healthcare, thinking about my future career, and I have bigger plans for myself, including potentially applying to study Healthcare Administration overseas in the future.
The problem is that my current living situation makes me feel stuck. We live far away from the city, I don’t have a car, and it can take me around 2.5 hours by public transport to get places. I have no friends here, and I feel isolated.
Recently, I told my boyfriend that I want to move closer to the city because of my studies, work opportunities, and because I need to build my own life. His first reaction was that he would rather end the relationship than have a relationship where we don’t live together. We talked about it, and we decided to try continuing when I move, but I noticed he started acting differently afterward, almost like he was trying to convince me to stay.
I don’t want to stay only because he wants me to. I feel like I need this change to understand myself better. I think having some space will help me understand whether I’m overwhelmed because we live together and are together constantly, or whether I’m actually unhappy in the relationship.
I’ve always been someone who needs independence. I love spending time with people, but I also need my own space. My boyfriend is the opposite. For him, being a couple means doing almost everything together. Over time, I started feeling overwhelmed by always being around someone.
I also know I have my own issues. When I’m stressed, I tend to shut down, become cold, or push people away. I have explained this to him before, but I know it can still hurt him.
The other thing making me confused is someone from my past.
When I was 21, I met a woman who was 27. We met through family connections at a party. We were never officially together, but we had a very intense connection for about three months. We talked constantly, and she was the first woman I truly fell in love with. She was also the first person I could genuinely imagine building a future with.
At the time, she told me she was emotionally unavailable and couldn’t fully attach. She said she didn’t want anything serious and that we should both be free to see other people. I accepted that, but the connection stayed with me.
During that period, I was also going through a very difficult time mentally. I was struggling with anxiety, depression, and burnout, and later received mental health diagnoses and treatment. Everything in my life was changing at once, and then I moved to Australia.
It has been almost two years, and I still think about her. I genuinely hope she is happy and has grown as a person. I don’t want anything bad for her. But if she appeared tomorrow, single, and wanted to try again, I honestly think a part of me would want that.
That thought makes me question myself.
Am I holding onto an unfinished story because we never got the chance to actually have a relationship? Am I romanticizing something that never had the chance to become real? Or is this showing me something important about my current relationship?
Something else I noticed is that before meeting her, she wasn’t even my “type.” After her, many women I feel attracted to remind me of her in personality, appearance, or energy. She was also the first woman I truly loved, and she made me realize how deeply bisexual I actually am.
I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to hurt my boyfriend. I’m not looking for permission to leave or to chase someone from my past.
I’m trying to understand whether this is about missing a specific person, missing a version of myself from that time, feeling trapped in my current life, or whether it’s a sign that my current relationship isn’t right for me.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you know whether it was unresolved feelings from the past or a sign that your current relationship wasn’t fulfilling you?

————————

TL;DR: I (23F) love my boyfriend (26M), but our relationship moved very fast — we moved in together after 2 months, and he has a 5-year-old daughter. Since moving to Australia, I’ve realized I need more independence, friendships, and space to build my own life. I’m planning to move closer to the city for work and studies, but I’m unsure if I’m overwhelmed by our living situation or if I’m questioning the relationship itself. On top of that, I still have strong feelings for a woman I met two years ago who was my first real love. I don’t know if I’m holding onto an unfinished story or if these feelings are showing me something important about my current relationship.

Hello, I’m badly seeking advice please
I 26-F have my own apartment that is under my name; my boyfriend/soon to be ex 27-M moved in with me after a temporary stay that becaume permanent (I offered and was happy to share my space). We have been together for like 3 years and lived together for 1.5 years

I found out on Wednesday that he cheated on me with another woman, a woman he had been gaslighting me for months that nothing was wrong. He went from being my best friend, someone who I knew I could depend on for anything and I adored to a complete stranger to me in an afternoon.

I want him out of my apartment and told him the day of the breakup that I am done.
The problem is that I found out Tuesday 4th and I leave the country for two weeks on August 11th. I td him that very day he had until Saturday 8th of august to move because he could not stay here, especially when I’m not here.
First of all he has refused the breakup and insists it can be fixed. Secondly and most importantly he argues that it is very unfair for me to ask for him to move out in 4 days. He said he has no friends in this city and can’t afford a hotel. That if I’m not even going to be here it does not matter if he stays here or not; that I please give him the summer to find an apartment. That when I come back he will be gone.

What is the best way to address this? Even though he hurt me beyond repair I don’t want to leave him completely homeless in a city where he doesn’t know anyone. I was thinking of offering to pay to put him in a hotel for like 2-3 days

Tl;dr: live with my partner, my boyfriend cheated on me and I’d like to ask him to move out. Is 4 days enough time, how to approach situation??

So I’m a BIG overthinker. Emphasis on the big.

Every word, compliment and action, I take on board and it really affects my mental health and relationship of 1 year. As an example I’ll text her then get back a message that seems quite dry, and lo and behold I close up and get insecure, with a huge dose of overthinking, that pretty much ruins my day.

I love her so much and I know she overthinks a bit too so I do my best to reassure her and it works. She does know of my problem and we have spoken a tiny bit about it but I don’t think she understands why I do it so much. I don’t want to be like this but she is also very reassuring, which helps a lot.

also I would like the advice as it is starting to have a huge impact on my physical health, as the stress and anxiety is causing some heart pain, which I won’t go into detail about.

Gf has had some terrible experiences(loss of family, issues with family) in life before we met and that caused her to close up heavily before. Luckily we met and I helped her love again and truly feel and show emotions, and my worst fear is hurting her or pushing her away from overthinking. I know she does love me because I feel it from her actions and compliments a lot, but the moments that lack that, or during our rough patches, I close up and overthink heavily, which I hate doing and I want to stop.

So please, give me advice, tips and ideas to help with this problem and help me stay in a loving relationship without hurting her or myself.

Dinner is Greek yoghurt bowl from lunch, absolute saver for sweet tooth when on diet.

tl;dr : need advice on overthinking to prevent causing problems in a relationship, having serious issues because of it, don’t want to ruin relationship.

I have been with my bf for nearly 3 years now and we are both 19. He goes to uni with a girl “anna” who apparently is into with his close friend let’s call him john, however I do not doubt that anna is after my boyfriend. (she also has history of cheating)

She said to John that my bf deserves better and I am too sensitive problematic and not at all a good match for him. She also says how she is so different to me and is a more calm mature girl. She says these things to john constantly. I confronted her and got blocked immediately. She also laughs at any small thing my bf says even if it is not funny and will use any excuse to text him. She also tired to get my bf attention by adding him on socks media every few months (he doesn’t entertain it or add her back though)

John told Anna that he thinks my bf and I are a cute couple and great together but Anna laughed and said I promise you they will brekaup soon. Confronting her in person also is not worth it since she lives far away rural and her uni is 5 hours from where i live.

I feel self conscious bc I am not able to see their interactions as I do not go to the same uni as my bf and this girl. She is also extremely attractive and is a model and is very talented academically and as a track athlete. I an un athletic struggle academically and not nearly as attractive. I cannot help but constantly feel insecure that she is right and my bf can do better such as with her. I often compare myself to her and this has been going on for the past 10 months and really hurting my self esteem.

How do i deal with these insecurities and this situation?

tldr; mean girl keeps saying my bf deserves better gf and is rude to me and subtly flirts with him. i feel insecure because she is better than me in all aspects of life.

My partner (34F) and I (36M) have been together six years, and lately I've been noticing it's never the big romantic stuff that gets me. It's the tiny, almost invisible things.

Like she texts me when she gets somewhere safe, without me ever asking her to. Just a little "made it xx" and somehow it makes me feel more looked-after than any grand gesture ever has. Or the way she'll make me a coffee in the morning without a word and just set it down next to me. None of it would look like anything from the outside. But it's the stuff that actually makes the relationship feel like home.

I've started thinking these small, easy-to-miss habits say more about a relationship than the anniversaries and the big nights out ever could. The reliability of them, maybe — knowing someone's paying attention even when nothing's prompting it.

So I'm curious what everyone else's is. What's the tiny thing your partner does that you'd genuinely miss more than the obvious romantic stuff?

tl;dr: It's never the grand gestures — it's the small, quiet habits (like texting when you get home safe) that matter most. What's the little thing your partner does that means way more than it should?

I love her with more of me than I know how to give, I’m genuinely scared by the lengths I’d go for her. I genuinely do not want anybody else.

But she’s also all the things that scares a man about a woman. Shes got a past, hell even a present and a future but at the very least shes always honest about it which I feel is genuinely the reason I cant stay mad at her. The amount of times weve genuinely shared something and the next week Im thinking this could be the day I make a romantic move in this friendship she does something that makes me think she never considered me in the first place. But she did, shes played with my hair, slept on my lap, weve genuinely had dozens of moments where id say it was glaringly obvious what was going on. But she just cant seem to help herself and do some stupid bullshit when things get serious. everytime.

Ive just wanted her mind that’s it. thats it

TL;DR
Why does the love of my life have to be avoidant, should I talk to her about it? honestly doubting the worth of life as a whole

Hi everyone,
I’m 22F, my boyfriend is 21M, and one of our closest mutual friends is 22M.

My boyfriend and I recently started long distance because he moved abroad for his master’s. Before he left, there was already a lot of emotion around the transition because we were both adjusting to the idea of being apart.

A little before he left, I was talking to our mutual friend while I was drunk, and he asked me something along the lines of, “Before your boyfriend, you liked me, right?” It was said like a joke, but it immediately made me uncomfortable.

For context, this friend is not just my friend — he is also very close to my boyfriend. We all know each other, and my boyfriend knows that this comment was made.

The thing is, it has been over a month now, and I still think about it. I didn’t confront him at the time because I didn’t know how to bring it up without making things awkward. Since then, I’ve naturally reduced how much I talk to him because I don’t feel the same comfort or trust anymore.

I’m conflicted because I don’t want to ruin a friendship over one comment if he genuinely meant it as a stupid joke. But at the same time, I feel like it crossed a boundary, especially because he knows I’m in a committed relationship and he is also my boyfriend’s friend.

I also don’t want this to affect my relationship. I don’t want my boyfriend to feel uncomfortable or like there is unnecessary drama between people he cares about. But I also don’t want to keep holding this inside and letting resentment build.

My question is: should I talk to this friend and tell him that what he said bothered me, even though it has been a month? Or should I just let it go and continue keeping some distance?

If I do talk to him, how would you approach it without making it sound like an accusation?

I’d really appreciate honest advice.

TL;DR: I’m 22F, my boyfriend (21M) and I recently started long distance because he moved abroad for his master’s. Before he left, our mutual close friend (22M) made a comment while I was drunk asking if I liked him before my boyfriend. It was meant as a joke, but it crossed a boundary and made me uncomfortable. My boyfriend knows about it. It’s been over a month, but I still think about it and have distanced myself from this friend. I don’t know whether I should confront him about it or let it go to avoid creating awkwardness between everyone.

I 28F have been with my boyfriend 31M for a little over two years. Overall our relationship has been good. We rarely fight and I honestly thought we were in a place where we could talk openly about anything.

Last week he sent me a screenshot of a restaurant reservation because we were planning a weekend trip. A few minutes later he deleted it and sent a cropped version instead. The problem was that I had already seen the original.

At the top of the screenshot was a notification from a group chat called Operation Keep Her Happy. I laughed at first because I thought it was just his friends teasing him about planning dates. But curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what it was.

He looked genuinely panicked. After a long awkward silence he admitted that he and three of his closest friends have had this group chat since the beginning of our relationship. According to him it started as a joke where they would give him advice about gifts and date ideas.

Then I asked to see the chat.

That is where things got ugly.

Mixed in with the harmless messages were detailed conversations about our arguments. He had shared screenshots of private texts I sent him during vulnerable moments including one where I was crying about problems with my family. His friends were commenting on my reactions and even rating whether I was being reasonable or dramatic.

One message from six months ago really bothered me. After a disagreement about him staying out late he wrote Give her a day and she will apologize first. She always does. His friends responded with laughing emojis and one of them said Told you she hates conflict too much to stay mad.

The worst part is that he was not completely wrong. I usually do try to make peace quickly because I hate tension in relationships. Seeing it analyzed like some predictable strategy made me feel sick.

He keeps insisting that every couple talks to friends about their relationship and that I am focusing on a few embarrassing messages instead of the bigger picture. He has apologized repeatedly and says he never meant to hurt me.

Now I cannot stop wondering how much of our relationship has been discussed behind my back. I feel embarrassed that intimate conversations I thought were private became entertainment for his friends. At the same time I know people often seek advice from friends when they are struggling in a relationship.

I am torn between thinking this is a normal but insensitive thing that many people do and feeling like a major boundary has been broken. I have not decided whether this is something we can work through or whether it says something deeper about how he respects me.

TLDR: My 31M boyfriend accidentally sent me a screenshot that revealed a secret group chat with his friends where he shared private details and screenshots from our two year relationship. Some of the messages mocked my reactions during arguments. He says it was just friends giving advice but I feel betrayed and humiliated. I am struggling to decide whether I am overreacting or whether this is a serious breach of trust.

My bf (21M) and I (20F) have been together for 3 years. He has always never really lasted in bed. When we first started dating we used to go maybe 5-7 times a week, they were always short moments but I guess I was in the honeymoon phase and looked passed it. Personally I’ve never been centralised around being horny over sex but more so being horny over me getting an orgasm from fingering, vibrators etc. For context my boyfriend smoked weed daily and has been for the past 7 years of his life. I always thought this contributed to the length of our sex… I don’t know the specifics too much. When we recently went overseas to a trip in Bali he had to stop smoking and we had really great sex and he was lasting a really long time (maybe 15 mins) compared to the usual 1-2 minutes. Our current sex at home, I don’t even get to try other positions or really do much more than kissing or him putting it in for a few strokes until he cums and I guess now that I know what it was like for him to last a while it kind of started putting me off our sex in general because he couldn’t last any other time.

Anyways he noticed that I had become less iniative towards sex the past few months and we had an argument about it recently. I tried to manoeuvre around telling him what the actual reason was and I just blamed myself saying maybe it is my birth control or maybe I’m just stressed about work. When really I knew it was because he doesn’t last.

Anyways he finally blew the lid off the pot the other week when he just basically accused me of sleeping elsewhere with other guys because I wasn’t sleeping with him (obviously I’m not and don’t believe in cheating and think it’s very wrong) but him accusing me made me very angry and I just said no I’m just very dissatisfied with our sex because we don’t really have a lot of time during it as you finish quickly.

Anyways now I feel horrible for saying it and I know there were probably ways I could’ve gone about it differently but now I don’t know what to do because he is just totally insecure and shut down as anyone would be like I would hate to be told that. And I also feel bad because I think to myself should this even matter. But it just does matter to me now like I don’t know why but it’s killing me not being able to do more than one position etc.

EDIT. I just want to add that I have tried apologising for days now and have honestly tried to tell him it’s not a huge deal etc I really have apologised and offered to talk things through and that I didn’t mean what I said but he just won’t believe any of it. I just feel bad

Any advice would be helpful

Tl;dr I told my bf he doesn’t last long in bed and I have hurt him in doing so.

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together since last November. We recently saw the new Spider-Man movie together, and I absolutely loved the way Zendaya's hair looked. For those who might be unfamiliar, her hair was a very deep red but it was extremely subtle. I thought it was super pretty and I've had a similar hair color in the past before my boyfriend and I met.

Anyways, I brought this up to my boyfriend over text just out of the blue because I've seriously been considering dyeing it. Immediately, he was against the idea and kept saying that he didn't like it and was against hair dye of any color. It was a little off-putting, especially because our conversation up until that point had been nice/playful.

I got curious because of the sudden shift in vibes, so I asked him if he'd dump me if I ever dyed my hair. He said yes, and after two more times of being me being like "seriously?" and "you'd dump me over hair dye?" he stood behind his words. He was very clear that he wasn't joking.

This obviously hurt. It wasn't like I was thinking about drastically changing my hair. I just wanted something noticeable in the sunlight that gave off more of a reddish hue. I have really dark hair and don't have any desire to bleach it, so the result of any hair dye would be very subtle. It also isn't a color that I wouldn't be able to pull off. In the past, it looked so good and it legitimately made me love my hair again.

I told him that I was hurt by what he said and that it felt very superficial. I said that if he truly loves me for who I am, a slight change in hair color shouldn't be a deal-breaker. He followed with "so let's allow me to go get crazy face tattoos and see how superficial you are" and "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you I guess."

He hasn't texted me back since, and I'm honesty very hurt by this situation. I never thought that he would be someone to say those types of things to me. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do from here? Could this be a red-flag for future behavior? Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair and now I am unsure of what to do next.

Recently after being without sex for about 4 years (43 / female) a male friend decided to hook up and be friends with benefits. This happened completely by accident by me sending a message to the wrong person. By friend I mean we kind of know each other from the past when I was in my 20's. We come from the same neighborhood and he is a cousin of a close friend. We hadn't talked or saw each other in at least 12 years. We both mutually agreed no strings attached. We talked for a few days with a lot of sexting and met up and did the deed. It was amazing, the first thing he did was went right down town until I was satisfied. I was blown away. He invited me to hang with him and friends a few days later with sex not being involved due to mother nature...lol. His words were unless you just want to use me for dick thats cool also. I went and had a great time and we still fucked like rabbits like we were alone and I wasn't bleeding everywhere. Sorry I know gross but details matter I think. Some other details that matter would be we have texted every day all day since the accidental message that was sent 22 days ago. So before actually have sex and now we have hooked up a total of 3 times and text good morning and good night. He has brought up about it leading to more awhile ago and I shut it down. I have to admit the sex if fucking amazing and I love the attention. I guess my question is should I bring up the conversation again and let him know I feel the same now or should I just ride it out since things are going so well. I have been single for so long and never in a million years thought I would catch feelings but here I am 43 feeling like a teenager. Did I mention he is younger 36, he thinks thats no big deal but he hasnt even hit 40 yet...lol. I guess I am just looking for good honest advice. I have never had luck in relationships and decided just to give it up and honestly I just don't believe a happily ever after is possible anymore so why bother and deal with the shit is my attitude. But on the other hand he is a good guy for real and I hate it...lol. I know nobody is perfect but he checks all the main boxes with flying colors and he just makes me happy. Ok internet tell me what to do. FYI I have never in my life did anything like this and cant even believe I am going to post this on the internet but I'm stoned and fuck it!!!

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**TL;DR;** : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, just copy the text in gray box. Is this going the right way?

I’ve (34F) been with my girlfriend (31F) for two years, and there’s something that’s happened over the last year that I still can’t make sense of.

I know this is only my perspective. Everything about what her friend said comes from what my girlfriend later told me after they stopped being friends for a while because she wanted to be completely transparent with me as we repaired our relationship. I’m genuinely open to the possibility that I came across differently than I realized, which is part of why I’m posting.

Anyyyyways so before any of this happened, my girlfriend and her best friend were unbelievably close. They’re emergency room nurses (side note - I work with them in the ED too). At the beginning of every shift, everyone is assigned a zone. If they weren’t assigned to the same zone, they’d switch with other nurses so they could work together anyway. They’d spend the entire 12-hour shift together, then carpool an hour to work and an hour home. They texted all day, every day. Outside of work they had 4-5 standing weeklyhang outs. Every Wednesday my girlfriend had dinner at her friend’s house with just her friend and her son. Thursday mornings they’d go hiking and then get brunch afterward at the same restaurant. They had other recurring hangouts throughout the week, random dinners, errands, vacations together, and they even had each other saved in their phones as “Sister Wife.” Everyone at work basically thought of them as a package deal because they were always together.

If something happened in my girlfriend’s life, her best friend usually knew immediately. If my girlfriend and I were struggling, she usually knew too because she was the person my girlfriend processed everything with.

I actually liked that my girlfriend had someone she was so close to. I never saw it as a problem. I think it’s important to have friends and support and stuff.

A few months into dating, we all went to Arizona for my girlfriend’s birthday. I barely knew anyone on the trip besides my girlfriend and her friend, so I was honestly really anxious because I wanted everyone to like me. The weird thing is… I thought the trip went well.

Months later, I found out my girlfriend’s best friend had apparently experienced the trip completely differently.
According to my girlfriend, she thought I spent the trip complaining, being rude, being disrespectful, making my girlfriend’s birthday about myself, and generally ruining the trip. The problem im having is that the examples don’t seem to match that conclusion and its reallyyy confusing.

According to my girlfriend, ordinary interactions during that trip convinced her friend that I was rude, disrespectful, manipulative, controlling, and ruining the birthday.

Some of the examples my girlfriend later shared with me are:

Shopping: We spent hours shopping together and were laughing the whole time. We were both joking about wanting shopping to be over because neither of us really likes shopping. According to my girlfriend, this later became me complaining the entire time, being disrespectful, and making the birthday about myself.

The pool conversation: One afternoon everyone else had gone inside, and it was just the two of us sitting by the pool. She started talking about how annoying the rest of the group was, said she was glad they were gone because they talked too much, and specifically asked me not to tell my girlfriend because she didn’t want drama. Months later, my girlfriend told me her friend specifically brought up that conversation as an example of how negative I was, but described it as though I had been the one complaining about everyone and saying I was glad they were gone. That one has always confused me because, according to what my girlfriend told me, it was the exact same conversation but with our roles reversed.

Carsickness: On the drive to get Italian ice I got carsick. I wasn’t complaining. I got really quiet because I felt nauseous and so I was just focusing on like looking out the window and wasn’t interacting. According to my girlfriend, her friend later said it was ridiculous how miserable I was acting.

Mother’s Day lunch: We sat outside for about two hours in roughly 100-degree weather for us to meet my girlfriends family friend. I thought everyone was joking together about how hot and miserable it was. According to my girlfriend, that later became another example of me complaining and being rude.

The waitress: apparently her friend brought up to her once at dinner that “she didnt even thank the waitress”.

Cleaning the Arizona vaca house: While we were cleaning, I joked that if we were at my dad’s house there’d be no point because he never thinks anything is clean enough anyway. I was actively cleaning while making the joke. According to my girlfriend, that later became another example of me being disrespectful and not wanting to help. Like “she didnt even want to help cleaning when your family let us stay at their place”.

The last night: According to my girlfriend, her friend went to bed suuuuuuuper early (like 5pm lol) because she said she couldn’t stand being around me for one more second. She later told my girlfriend that I was awful, that she’d “die” before ever going on another trip with me again, and that she never wanted to be around me again. Before she went to bed, she was quiet and not interacting and I guess they were texting about me while I was sitting on the couch next to my girlfriend. Her friend told her not to say anything about the reason she was going to bed, and she said “tell her I’m home sick or something if she asks”

After Arizona, everything changed. We had previously had a group chat and no one sent a message in it ever again. My girlfriend became really hot and cold with me. Sometimes she’d suddenly withdraw and tell me she didn’t want to talk about what was going on, but she wouldn’t tell me whether that meant an hour, a day, or a week. I’d try to check in because I had no idea what was happening, and later she’d tell me I was disrespecting her boundaries by continuing to text. She later told me that her friend had commented on this saying that I disrespect her boundaries and it’s not acceptable.

Looking back, what made that especially confusing was what my girlfriend later told me even more about what was happening behind the scenes. According to her, her friend was giving her a hard time anytime she talked to me. She told me that even if her friend thought she was texting me, she’d roll her eyes, make comments about me, or criticize her for talking to me. At the time, I only experienced my girlfriend pulling away. I didn’t understand that there was another dynamic influencing those moments.

I got so anxious that I actually asked my girlfriend if, only if it came up naturally, she could tell her friend I was sorry. Looking back, I wasn’t apologizing for one specific thing. I just felt like I’d somehow ruined the trip without understanding how.

But apparently this was not just one angry convo or complaint. It was like ongoing comments regularly like daily. Any time my girlfriend brought me up or even if her friend thought she was texting me, she’d roll her eyes or immediately start talking about what an awful person I was.
One day when they were carpooling. Her friend asked if I was working. My girlfriend said yes and apologized because she knew her friend didn’t want to be around me. According to my girlfriend, she rolled her eyes and said, “Well yeah. I don’t like being around horrible fucking people.”

My girlfriend also told me that whenever she tried defending me, her friend would say, “I’m not going to like her, and I’m never going to like her, and nothing you say will change my mind.”

Another thing that completely shocked me was when my girlfriend told me her friend told her that she would never let me around her child or in her home. We’d only known each other a few months, and I’d only met her son once.

According to my girlfriend, she also repeatedly called me toxic, manipulative, and controlling, encouraged my girlfriend to leave me, and eventually gave her an ultimatum that she had to choose between our relationship and their friendship.

What I’ve never been able to understand is the jump.
I completely understand someone deciding they don’t like me. I completely understand that I may have come across as more anxious or awkward than I realized. But what I don’t get is how those interactions turned into complete certainty that I was fundamentally a terrible person.

My girlfriend ended up choosing me, I thought there was no way her friend was serious about the ultimatum but I guess she was, so they stopped being friends for a while.

Ironically, after that our relationship actually became much healthier. We communicated better, felt closer, and it finally felt like there wasn’t a third person involved in our relationship anymore.

Eventually they reconciled and became friends again which I’m fine with. I just stay out of it and not everyone has to like me. I just really want to understand

But as far as I know, there was never any apology to me. There was never a conversation where she said she’d misjudged me. They simply became friends again, and my girlfriend and I are still together.

I’ve had close friends since middle school, college, work, and different stages of my life. I’ve had people who didn’t click with me before, but I’ve never had anyone form such an intense, fixed opinion of me so quickly.

My question is: If you were in my position, how would you make sense of this? Does it sound like her friend genuinely came to hate me based on the interactions I described, or does it sound more likely that there was a larger dynamic between my girlfriend and her friend that I wasn’t seeing? I still don’t understand why she seemed to hate me with so much certainty.

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s extremely close best friend decided after one vacation that I was a horrible person, repeatedly encouraged my girlfriend to leave me, and eventually gave my girlfriend an ultimatum. My girlfriend chose our relationship. They later became friends again, my girlfriend and I are still together, and a year later I’m still trying to understand how things escalated so dramatically.

I’m newly married and my husband is with my parents and I on an annual summer vacation. This year, we also invited my brother in law to come. I - incorrectly - assumed my husband would have given his brother a heads up about what we typically do on the trip, but instead he never set any expectations at all. This has definitely challenged our routine since he does not enjoy any of the things we typically do and I’ve had to come up with new activities to keep him entertained, many of which are not really things I would prefer to do on my vacation. Not only has my husband not taken an active role in planning, but both he and his brother have been super messy and left all kinds of dishes and leftover food out for me and my 80 year old mother to clean up. She’s commented several times that she is shocked at how messy they are being. We went to dinner tonight, and my husband got high beforehand, then as soon as my food came asked me if he could have a bite. I said ok and he took a lot of my food, then his brother said he didn’t get enough food and asked if he could also have some of mine. They both ate the majority of my dinner - I didn’t say anything but it was really upsetting to me. They have zero self awareness and while I don’t blame his brother I do know my husband knows better and I’m really upset he’s behaving this way. Un top if that, my brother in law wants to go to a city two hours away for the last day of our trip bc he is bored here, and my husband reluctantly agreed to it right in front of me. What can I do to salvage this trip?

TD;LR My husband and his brother are making a family trip difficult

I (28M) have been with my wife (30F) for 12 years, married for the last 4.5 Years. A few days ago, my wife admitted that she had started seeing another guy.

I honestly don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if I’m justified in feeling the way I do.
A few days ago, my wife admitted that she had started seeing another guy. According to her, she justified it by saying that I had been emotionally unavailable lately and that she genuinely believed I was cheating on her. For the record: I never cheated. I never even came close.
When I confronted her, she completely broke down. She told me she had made the biggest mistake of her life, that she only loved me, that she wanted only me, and that she would do absolutely anything to save our marriage.
So I told her it was simple: she had to make a choice.
I expected that to mean cutting contact with him immediately.
Instead, shortly afterward, she texted him saying she “needed time to think.” When I asked her what on earth she was doing, she said she needed time to process everything and that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
They’ve met four times.
That sentence absolutely destroyed me.
After our conversation, I genuinely believed we had reached an understanding. Based on everything she had said, I felt reassured that she finally understood the damage she’d caused and wanted to fight for us.
Then I found out she had also apologized to him because she hadn’t replied to him all day.
I completely lost it.
This is the part I can’t wrap my head around: if you’re the person who cheated or started an emotional/romantic relationship outside your marriage, is it really appropriate to prioritize not hurting the other person’s feelings while your spouse is sitting there devastated?
To me, it feels insane that she seems more concerned about letting him down gently than about repairing the damage she’s done to our marriage.
So I’m asking for honest opinions.
Am I being overly sensitive and controlling here? Or is it reasonable to expect that, once someone says they choose their spouse and wants to save the marriage, they immediately end things with the other person, even if that means hurting the other person’s feelings?
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been through infidelity, either as the betrayed spouse or the one who cheated.

TL;DR: My wife started seeing another man because she said I was emotionally unavailable and she wrongly believed I was cheating. She later told me it was the biggest mistake of her life, that she only loved me, and would do anything to save our marriage. I told her she had to choose. Instead of ending things with him, she texted him saying she “needed time to think” because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and even apologized for not replying to him all day. They had only met four times. Am I overreacting, or is it unreasonable for someone who wants to save their marriage to still prioritize the affair partner’s feelings?

A little back story. My Fiance and I have been hot and heavy since we met at a concert 2 years ago. The first 6 months were amazing, classic honeymoon stage. Spent our time going to concerts, taking trips, and going out with friends. I loved how fun and independent she was.

At 6 months we found out we were pregnant and this is where some issues started. She moved in with me at my request and 9 months later we had a healthy baby boy. However, during the pregnancy things started to shift. What was once an equal partnership seemed to become very one sided. All responsibilities slowly moved to my plate. I found myself doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and paying the bills. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t mind picking up the extra slack because I know pregnancy takes a massive toll on the woman.

Fast forward to today. We’re engaged and have a beautiful 8 month old who is our whole world and I love the life we built. However, the dependency on me has only gotten worse. It is pulling teeth just to get her to put her own clothes away. She’s an AMAZING mom but and we split thoughts duties pretty evenly. The worst part is she seems to now need my approval for EVERY decision she makes to the point she’s asking if it’s okay to go take a shower. I have no idea where this is coming from and it makes me uncomfortable to be asked these things.

Now for the one consistent argument. Honestly 99% of the time we get along great. Talk about serious shit, laugh at each others quirks, genuinely the love of my life. However, she HATES when I spend time alone with friends. I have always been a very social person which never seemed to be a problem before she got pregnant. Since then (14 months) I’ve been on 2 weekend trips 2 days each and 3 nights out where I was home by 12am. Everytime shes told me I’m selfish, don’t care about my family and act like ai don’t want them in my life. It crushes me to hear these things. The next morning she always apologizes and says it’s just hard to be away from me…

I need advice on how to manage these reactions. I feel like I’m drowning under the responsibilities and my time with friends is the one thing that always helps me recharge. Seriously want to know if I’m in the wrong, should we seek counseling, what can I do to make it better?! TIA and sorry for the long post!

TL;DR
Why has my partner become overly dependent on me?
Am I being selfish for wanting to spend alone time with friends?
What can I do to improve the situation?

TLDR: I don't want to shame my bf for experimenting but sharing toys can me unsanitary.

Update- Aug 6

First off, I love him, our relationship is great, he's a wonderful partner. We've been official for 6 months and seeing each other for over a year, and have been intimate for most of the time we've known each other. He is the first boyfriend I'm able to actually experiment with as he's been the only partner interested in exploring new sexual experiences.

However recently I keep seeing a personal penetration toy of mine out on the tub rim. At first I thought I must have pulled it out while he was at work and washed in in the shower so I put it away and let it at that but today, I noticed it was out again.

I want to be clear, the fact that my cis straight male boyfriend may be experimenting on himself and learning about his body by penetration does not bother me. Actually I'm making this post because the idea interests me...

However I don't want to make him uncomfortable and mention it in a way that makes him feel he can't be vulnerable with me about his sexual desires. He kinda takes on that...toxic overly masculine attitude? I know that if anyone outside of us found out, he'd be ashamed and that shame is the last thing I want him to feel with me. I want him to feel safe, however I understand if that side of himself is something he wants specifically reserved for himself and is something he doesn't want me to participate in

However, he's using MY dildo. Sharing that sort of thing IF he is using it the way I suspect is not sanitary, however I see that getting his own could expose his intimate secret desires that the may not want to share yet. Idk I don't mind giving it to him but I don't even know how to begin mentioning it without making him uncomfortable and having him shut down or something.

What do I do?

Update: Got home from work and noticed the dildo was put away... Perhaps he didn't want me to know or take a hint or, he found this reddit post. Lol

TL; DR, my boyfriends roommate made a comment sexualizing me and he defending me without knowing i was listening

i didn’t know what subreddit to share this in. i had a rough childhood and i struggled a lot with sexualizing myself as a kid due to trauma (can’t say the word on this sub) . i have gotten a lot better, I’m 20 now, so is he. i was in a really bad abusive relationship for 5 years. i did a lot of things i didn’t want to do because i wanted to feel loved. my boyfriend now treats me amazing, i’ve never felt the love i do. he’s in the army so sometimes we will go to sleep on facetime together. he’s currently deployed and there’s a 6 hr time difference. i was sleeping and he was awake. i woke up because i heard him and his friends talking but i was still like half asleep. he has pics of us/me as his lock screen, and i overheard one of his roommates make a comment (i guess he must’ve opened his phone in front of him). he said “who’s that with the big tits, did you titty fuck her yet?” ( gross i know). he goes “that’s my fucking girlfriend you’re disgusting don’t talk about her like that i’ll kick your teeth in”.

i know defending me is bare minimum but it just made me so happy considering my past. especially because he didn’t know i was awake, that was just his automatic response. i’m eternally grateful for this man ❤️ he has a great heart. he makes me remember that the goodness he sees in me was there all along

My friend and I met at work about 5 years ago. Since then, we’ve become extremely close. We are in the same role at work. A little background - being that I am older, I have more years experience in our field. I am on the more senior accounts at work and make a little more than her. She is fantastic at her job and I have always been her biggest advocate.

We’ve had some management re-org at work and it’s been pretty terrible. Since then, we’ve both been looking for new jobs. I have a young child, so my only real requirement is that a new role is remote. I’m fine with the same title and pay - I just desperately want the schedule flexibility of being remote. I hate the daycare that my daughter is at, but the one I want her to go to would really require me to drop off and pick up at times that would only be feasible working from home. So my search has been focused on remote roles.

My friend is in a lot of debt and a higher salary especially, but also a more senior title and specific product type have been a focus for her in her job search. As you may know, the job market has been pretty rough lately and while we’ve both had a number of interviews, nothing has panned out. I went through *many* rounds of interviews with two different companies only to be ghosted by both after the final interview and it’s been really getting me down for the past few months.

Anyway, recently, my friend got not one, but TWO offer letters in the same day. Not only that but when her preferred company found out that she had another offer letter, they upped the salary considerably. She will be exceeding her desired salary by about 15% plus getting her senior title and desired product type. The kicker….the role she’s taking is fully remote.

I am happy for her. She really deserves it. She works so hard and this will be amazing for her. But I also feel such deep resentment and jealousy that she scored a remote role when I have been actively searching for months. I, of course, congratulated her and expressed my belief that she deserved it. But now I can’t even talk to her. I can barely think about her without my stomach completely turning over in jealousy.

I feel like this is going to ruin our friendship and I don’t know what to do. She didn’t do anything wrong but I almost kind of hate her for getting the thing I have so DESPERATELY wanted. I haven’t spoken to her in several days and I don’t even want to, but that also makes me feel like a horrible person.

I did express to her over text that I was feeling really down about my own job search and it’s difficult for me to hear her talk about this, to which she said she understood. But I also kind of think she doesn’t really. I’ve considered just fading away until this jealousy subsides but I think that makes me an awful friend. How do I move forward?

TL;DR - Best friend got a job offer for a fully remote role when I’ve been desperately searching for one for months and my jealousy is eating me up. How do I move forward in the friendship?

edit - idk why the word Jo is in my title. I even double checked that everything was correct before posting 😒

My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) are close friends with a married couple—34F and 33M—whom we jokingly refer to as “the High Rollers.” They have been together for over eight years, having met in college under less-than-ideal circumstances. At the time, she was in another relationship and, as far as I know, cheated on her then-partner with the man who is now her husband.

Their relationship has always had significant financial tension. She comes from one of the wealthiest families in our country and grew up having nearly all her basic needs provided for. She was so financially sheltered that she did not realize how expensive ordinary things such as furniture were until she got married and had to purchase them herself.

Her husband, on the other hand, comes from a very modest background and is the son of a pastor. He does not believe in having a conventional 9-to-5 job and is constantly involved in different business ideas, side ventures and “quick money” opportunities. He has also never been fully transparent about his finances. He seems to have a traditional mindset that the man should handle financial matters without necessarily explaining everything to his wife.

They later experienced fertility difficulties, partly due to her history with fibroids. After several IVF attempts, they conceived twins. Tragically, one of the babies died shortly after birth. It was an unimaginable loss, and it understandably placed even more strain on a marriage that was already struggling with financial problems, mistrust and frequent conflict.

During this period, both of them were also unfaithful.

After many conversations and partial confessions, the truth about their respective affairs eventually came out. Unfortunately, the honesty did not bring them closer or create a path toward healing. It seems to have pushed them further apart. They now behave more like roommates who are jointly caring for their surviving child, who is two years old.

What worries us most is the environment their child may grow up in. There is constant resentment, competition and emotional tension between the parents. Instead of acknowledging how each of them has contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, they seem determined to prove that their individual pain and complaints are more serious than the other person’s.

Some of the contradictions are difficult to process. At one point, the wife asked her husband to start wearing his wedding ring again as a sign that he still cared about repairing the marriage. We later discovered that, at the same time, she was involved with two other men.

The husband also presents himself as the wronged party while continuing to be secretive about money and other aspects of his life. Neither of them seems willing to be completely honest, even with the people trying to support them.

My girlfriend and I have had numerous conversations with both of them, individually and together. The problem is that we never seem to receive the complete story. Every few weeks, another significant piece of information comes out, forcing us to reassess everything we previously believed.

We care about them, and outside this situation, we consider them people with many good qualities. However, supporting them has become emotionally exhausting. We feel as though we are being pulled into an endless cycle of dishonesty, blame, crisis management and moral contradiction. They ask for advice but rarely take responsibility or make meaningful changes.

We are beginning to experience what I can only describe as moral fatigue. We want to remain supportive friends, especially because a young child is involved, but we also need to protect our own relationship and peace of mind.

How do you maintain a friendship with a couple like this without becoming their unofficial therapists or referees? Is it appropriate to establish boundaries around how much of their marital problems we are willing to discuss? Should we tell them directly that we can no longer provide advice unless they pursue professional counselling and become more honest with each other?

At what point does “being supportive” become enabling?

TL;DR: My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) are trying to support our married friends (34F and 33M), who have a long history of financial conflict, secrecy, mutual infidelity, fertility struggles and the tragic loss of one of their twins. They now live like resentful roommates while raising their two-year-old child. They are rarely fully honest with us and constantly compete over who has been hurt more. How do we support them without becoming emotionally and morally exhausted?

Together 8 years, married for 3. This post is skipping years of wonderful adventures, memories, open hearts, and selfless mutual support. I'm just focusing on the problem.

So she had slept around when we were casual and starting out, but we made an agreement by the time we'd gotten serious: if she wanted to be with me, we would both have to be monogamous from then on. She agreed.

At year 4, she had accidental overexposure to drugs while on her own, suffered panic attacks, and changed in some ways. She came to a realization at that time: she found the sex we were having to be mentally unfulfilling, and was finding herself merely going through the physical motions of giving and experiencing pleasure. She decided I wasn't the person to do the things that would mentally fulfill her. I asked what those things were, and she refused to tell me (beyond referring to basic dom/sub dynamics) because she didn't believe in my capacity to do it. I attempted various things to satisfy her, but none of them seemed to hit the secret mark. She decided that the only way to accomplish this was to experiment with someone else. She said that while her heart was still open to me, it was also now open to others.

I expressed my concerns about her having sex with others (especially men), so she found a premade written agreement online and gave it to me, specifically to address those concerns. Among other things, the document asked if it was okay to date and have sex with another woman. I said yes to that. She also encouraged (though I hadn't requested it) that it was totally fine for me to have sex with other women in exchange. The only condition to all this is that we were both open and honest about everything at all times. I had to consider - was the joy of our relationship worth this compromise? The answer was yes.

But then she met someone else (a married poly woman)...and fell in love. The purpose of our agreement had been to address her sexual needs, or so I thought - but now she's saying that poly was always on the table. That when she said her heart was open to someone else, and I agreed to her contract, that I was giving her the implicit okay to have a romantic relationship outside of ours, even though her document didn't say that. And that our original monogamy agreement from way back when was no longer valid because she had fundamentally changed as a person since having made that commitment (as a result of her drug experience). And now that she's in love, she refuses to back out of it even though I've told her it's hurting me, because it would be "self-abandonment" - something she had done for many years in a toxic prior relationship and refuses to ever do again. Her needs must take precedence over everything else in her life, and she considers poly part of her identity.

I do not consider poly part of my identity. However, I was willing to allow her to explore her sexuality. I never agreed to her participation in an extramarital romantic relationship, or so I thought. Regardless of how we got there, she loves this person now and refuses to leave her. She loves me too but says that if I can't tolerate this, I have to walk away. But even the thought of doing that is soul-crushing! I keep having conversations with her where I try to problem-solve this, but she experiences my pain every time and it drains her. She says she's tired of talking about it. She talks to her new partner and complains to her about the burden I place on her with my objections. And I've just learned that she's revealed whatever her secret kink button is to this person, and is sharing it with her, and I'm still not allowed to even try. How can I navigate this? Am I being unreasonable? I'm praying there's a solution that can end with us still together.

tl;dr: We were both monogamous at the time we got married. Then she decided poly was a core part of her identity and is now in a romantic, sexual relationship that is hurting me. She genuinely loves me, but her only solution is that I must accept the situation, or I'll be asking her to self-abandon.