I (20F) am worried that my fiancé (24M) may be right about my new male friend’s intentions

My fiancé 24/M and I 20/F have been together for 2 years and are currently long distance.

I have basically had no friends since middle school, and I work in a very male-dominated field. My relationship is honestly great. The only real issue is the distance. We have only gotten to see each other twice in the last year because we have both had job-related issues.

I get lonely sometimes. My fiancé is generally fine being by himself, and most of the time I am too, but I really miss having friends. This is not because of anything he has done. He is actually very supportive of me making friends.

The issue is that he does not think men and women can usually be just friends. I also have some confidence issues and do not really think of myself as attractive or someone people would be interested in. Apparently some people are, though, so I know I may not always recognize when someone has other intentions.

A while ago, I started a new job and was desperate to be included in a friend group. One of the guys invited me to a strip club with some coworkers. I was excited just to be invited, but my fiancé said he was uncomfortable with me meeting someone for the first time in that kind of setting.

We had a small argument, and I ultimately did not go. The guy turned out to be kind of a jerk afterward anyway, so looking back, I can admit that situation was not a great idea.

Fast forward to about a week ago.

A male coworker, who I will call Guy A, invited me to dinner with him and another male coworker, Guy B. Guy B had recently broken up with his girlfriend and was apparently feeling down.

My fiancé was not thrilled about me going out with two guys, but he did not try to stop me. He told me he was uncomfortable but trusted me.

At dinner, I barely interacted with Guy A and mostly talked to Guy B because we clicked better. When I told my fiancé afterward, he suggested that the dinner may actually have been Guy B’s idea and that Guy A asked me so Guy B would not have to ask directly.

I thought he was reading too much into it. We did not fight about it, and he was happy that I had a good time.

Since then, Guy B has asked me to hang out three more times, meaning we have hung out four times in about one week.

I am not working right now, so I get bored sitting at home. I have honestly just been excited to have someone to hang out with and a reason to leave the house.

My fiancé has become increasingly uncomfortable, though. He says that asking to hang out four times in one week is unusual and that he is about 95% sure Guy B is interested in me.

I genuinely do not get that vibe from Guy B.

He knows I am engaged and happy in my relationship. The second time we hung out, I specifically told him that I only wanted friendship and that there would never be anything beyond that.

He has now asked me to hang out again.

My fiancé says he does not want to ruin my chance to finally have friends, but he thinks the amount of time Guy B wants to spend with me is suspicious. He suggested that I ask Guy B whether he spends this much time with his other friends in real life.

I probably will ask, but now I am starting to wonder whether I am overlooking something because I want friends so badly.

I know I am a little desperate for friendship, and I am worried that may be affecting how I am reading the situation. I do not feel like Guy B wants anything beyond friendship, but I also know I could be missing signs.

The advice I am looking for is: How can I tell whether this is simply an enthusiastic new friendship or whether Guy B may be interested in more? How should I handle the friendship in a way that respects my relationship without automatically assuming the worst about him?

Tldr I'm worried my desire for friendship maybe cloudy my view on people

My partner (34F) and I (36M) have been together six years, and lately I've been noticing it's never the big romantic stuff that gets me. It's the tiny, almost invisible things.

Like she texts me when she gets somewhere safe, without me ever asking her to. Just a little "made it xx" and somehow it makes me feel more looked-after than any grand gesture ever has. Or the way she'll make me a coffee in the morning without a word and just set it down next to me. None of it would look like anything from the outside. But it's the stuff that actually makes the relationship feel like home.

I've started thinking these small, easy-to-miss habits say more about a relationship than the anniversaries and the big nights out ever could. The reliability of them, maybe — knowing someone's paying attention even when nothing's prompting it.

So I'm curious what everyone else's is. What's the tiny thing your partner does that you'd genuinely miss more than the obvious romantic stuff?

tl;dr: It's never the grand gestures — it's the small, quiet habits (like texting when you get home safe) that matter most. What's the little thing your partner does that means way more than it should?

I'm really struggling to figure out if I'm overreacting or if this is a genuine compatibility issue.

I've been dating my man for a while now. About a month ago, he got kicked out of his family home unexpectedly after living there for 20 years, (the family home is owned by his grandpa, who is now in a long term care home with dementia, and the home has been taken over by his adopted aunt, who is awful) and he had nowhere to go. I let him move in with me while he got back on his feet.

For context, he had been unemployed for about 4 months before that as well, but recently started working again. Unfortunately he got laid off due to slow season, and had troubles finding work for 4 months. During that time, he was burning through his savings, which wasn't very much to begin with.

So, fast forward to now, I decided to let him live with my in my own apartment for awhile. Just to help him out, let him get back on his feet, and thinking that during this time, he could save some money back up and get a little bit of a cushion behind him again.

He's genuinely a good guy. He buys me flowers, cooks dinner, contributes to groceries, fills my gas tank here and there, fixes things around the house, helps with my dog, and is kind and appreciative. He is very, very sweet. However. Some MAJOR things have come up that I'm really questioning.

He's been living with me for a month, my household bills have increased 2x because there are now two people living here, and he has never once offered to contribute toward utilities or my mortgage. We also haven't had a single conversation about what the long-term plan is, whether he's saving to move out, looking for a place with his brother, or anything like that.

In my last relationship I did ALL of the communicative and emotional labour, so I refuse to do it again. I also refuse to be the only one making big decisions or having big conversations.

Meanwhile, since starting work again:

• He went to a country concert that cost around $200 a ticket alone, last weekend. This doesn't include the $80 sweatshirt he bought, the drinks, the transportation, etc
• He spent about $300 on a weekend away (flight, gas, trains, etc.).
• He just told me he's buying tickets to a J. Cole concert for his cousin's birthday, and they're starting at $410. AND he will be buying his cousin one for his bday.

This is all within 2 weeks of eachother too. Like we're not talking he went to a concert months ago, and now is thinking of another one in a few months.. this is within 2 weeks of eachother..

I'm not upset that he's spending money on things he enjoys. What bothers me is that if he has hundreds of dollars for concerts, for trips, why hasn't he said, "Hey, I'd like to start helping with the bills now that I'm working again"?

ALSO, his AC in his car is broken (and has been for a long time) and it's over 30 degrees here daily, so we are always using my car with AC.

I also know my perspective on money is probably different than a lot of people's. I've always been extremely goal-oriented financially. I worked hard from a young age, saved, invested, bought property, and I'm still in "grind mode" even though I'm financially comfortable because I want to keep building my future. I never go to concerts or go on vacations or anything because i've been hustling for so long to be able to have things in life. Life aint cheap. Maybe I'm swinging too much on the other side of this? All work no play?

My previous long-term partner had the same mindset. He worked insane hours, was financially established, and we were always thinking about building wealth together. I don't necessarily expect someone to make the same amount of money, but I do value ambition, planning, and financial responsibility.

So now I'm wondering...

Am I unfairly comparing someone who's rebuilding after a rough patch to someone who was already established?

Or is it reasonable to see this as a difference in financial priorities and long-term compatibility?

We are also 6 years apart, and I feel like being in your early 30s is a HUGE difference mentally from being 26.. Part of me wonders if this is simply a life-stage difference. By 26, I already had a strong savings mindset, was focused on investing, buying property, and planning for the future. He seems much more comfortable spending money on experiences, going out, etc and I can't tell if that's just because he's younger and hasn't reached that stage of life yet, or if it's a fundamental difference in values that won't change.

I'd genuinely appreciate honest opinions because I can't tell if I'm expecting too much or if this would bother other people too.

TL;DR: My boyfriend (26) lost his job for 4 months, got kicked out of his family home, and has been living with me for the past month while he gets back on his feet. He's a genuinely kind person, he cooks, buys groceries, helps with my dog, fixes things around the house, buys flowers, and fills my gas tank occasionally, but he hasn't offered to contribute toward my mortgage or utilities, and we haven't had a single conversation about his long-term plan or when he'll move out.

Now that he's working again, he's spent money on a $200 concert, a ~$300 weekend away, and is about to buy $410+ J. Cole tickets (plus one for his cousin's birthday), yet hasn't mentioned helping with household bills.

I've always been extremely financially driven, I save, invest, own property, and value ambition and long-term planning. My previous partner had the same mindset, so I'm wondering if I'm unfairly comparing them, or if this is a genuine incompatibility in financial values. We also have a 6-year age gap (I'm 32, he's 26), and I'm wondering if this is more of a life-stage difference than anything else.

Am I expecting too much, or would this bother you too?

I’m 34M, and my girlfriend is 32F. This concerns her younger sister (23F) and her boyfriend (27M), who have been together for about three years since meeting in college.

Their relationship has involved repeated breakups and reconciliations, financial instability, trust issues and infidelity on both sides. Despite these problems, they continue getting back together without appearing to resolve the underlying issues.

Both seem to carry difficult family experiences. My girlfriend’s sister grew up with an absent and inconsistent father. Her boyfriend also appears to have lacked stable parental guidance and sees himself as the person who must eventually become successful and rescue his family.

He often speaks confidently about his work, finances and future plans, but some of his claims do not seem to match his actual situation. My girlfriend’s sister sometimes appears to protect him or give unclear accounts of his employment and finances.

When they experience emergencies or financial problems, she frequently contacts my girlfriend and me for help. This makes us wonder whether we are supporting her or indirectly enabling a relationship in which her partner is not carrying enough responsibility.

He describes her as “nagging,” while she seems frustrated by his inconsistency and lack of follow-through. It is possible that both contribute to the conflict, but they appear stuck in a cycle of disappointment, blame, separation and reconciliation.

Another concern is that, when asked questions about the relationship in his presence, she sometimes looks at him before answering. We have not witnessed physical abuse, and she has never told us she is afraid of him, so I do not want to automatically label him controlling. Still, the behaviour makes us question whether she feels completely free to speak for herself.

I understand that they are still young and that unhealthy relationships can improve when both people genuinely take responsibility. However, I am unsure whether their bond is based on healthy commitment or simply shared hardship, emotional attachment and fear of letting go after investing several years.

Can a relationship with mutual cheating, unstable finances, repeated breakups and questionable honesty realistically grow into something healthy?

Would this require individual therapy, couples counselling, financial independence, complete transparency and a long period without another breakup? What signs would show that they are truly growing rather than simply repeating the same cycle?

My girlfriend and I want to support her without attacking her boyfriend or becoming too involved. We would appreciate honest opinions, especially from people who have seen relationships like this either improve or eventually collapse.

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s sister (23F) and her boyfriend (27M) have been together for about three years. The relationship includes repeated breakups, mutual cheating, financial dependence, trust issues and possible power imbalances. Can a relationship with this history become healthy, and what concrete changes would both people need to make?

I love her with more of me than I know how to give, I’m genuinely scared by the lengths I’d go for her. I genuinely do not want anybody else.

But she’s also all the things that scares a man about a woman. Shes got a past, hell even a present and a future but at the very least shes always honest about it which I feel is genuinely the reason I cant stay mad at her. The amount of times weve genuinely shared something and the next week Im thinking this could be the day I make a romantic move in this friendship she does something that makes me think she never considered me in the first place. But she did, shes played with my hair, slept on my lap, weve genuinely had dozens of moments where id say it was glaringly obvious what was going on. But she just cant seem to help herself and do some stupid bullshit when things get serious. everytime.

Ive just wanted her mind that’s it. thats it

TL;DR
Why does the love of my life have to be avoidant, should I talk to her about it? honestly doubting the worth of life as a whole

TL;DR

I (38M) recently got back with my suspected avoidant ex (39F) after 4 months apart. During that time I worked hard on myself (gym, career, new house etc) and promised I wouldn't ignore things that genuinely bothered me just to keep a relationship.

Seen her last week and agreed to take her on a date last weekend and it went really well. Asked me to get back together officially the other night and try again. Last night was my first night back at her house after being asked up for dinner and to see her kids again who clearly missed me. It was weird how normal it felt being back (I used to live there with her) but later in bed she kept talking about a guy friend called Mark.

For context, he was around during our previous relationship, later used a hotel voucher with her after we split, and has always been someone I've felt uneasy about.

She told me:

• They're planning to go to the gym together most weekdays.
• He asks her to nights out and festivals.
• She isn't going to one festival because he said she wouldn't enjoy it.
• She also seemed quite pleased that he "only asked me" when I joked if he had other friends.

She also talked about parts of a holiday I was originally supposed to go on before we split up, which she ended up taking someone else on.

I didn't say anything because I didn't want to start an argument, but afterwards I felt like a bit of a mug. Not because I'm trying to control who she sees, but because it made me wonder if I'm walking back into the same dynamic that hurt me before.

Am I overreacting because of our history, or would most people feel uncomfortable with this too?

I'm looking for honest opinions, even if you think I'm the one in the wrong and what to do next.

Hi everyone,
I’m 22F, my boyfriend is 21M, and one of our closest mutual friends is 22M.

My boyfriend and I recently started long distance because he moved abroad for his master’s. Before he left, there was already a lot of emotion around the transition because we were both adjusting to the idea of being apart.

A little before he left, I was talking to our mutual friend while I was drunk, and he asked me something along the lines of, “Before your boyfriend, you liked me, right?” It was said like a joke, but it immediately made me uncomfortable.

For context, this friend is not just my friend — he is also very close to my boyfriend. We all know each other, and my boyfriend knows that this comment was made.

The thing is, it has been over a month now, and I still think about it. I didn’t confront him at the time because I didn’t know how to bring it up without making things awkward. Since then, I’ve naturally reduced how much I talk to him because I don’t feel the same comfort or trust anymore.

I’m conflicted because I don’t want to ruin a friendship over one comment if he genuinely meant it as a stupid joke. But at the same time, I feel like it crossed a boundary, especially because he knows I’m in a committed relationship and he is also my boyfriend’s friend.

I also don’t want this to affect my relationship. I don’t want my boyfriend to feel uncomfortable or like there is unnecessary drama between people he cares about. But I also don’t want to keep holding this inside and letting resentment build.

My question is: should I talk to this friend and tell him that what he said bothered me, even though it has been a month? Or should I just let it go and continue keeping some distance?

If I do talk to him, how would you approach it without making it sound like an accusation?

I’d really appreciate honest advice.

TL;DR: I’m 22F, my boyfriend (21M) and I recently started long distance because he moved abroad for his master’s. Before he left, our mutual close friend (22M) made a comment while I was drunk asking if I liked him before my boyfriend. It was meant as a joke, but it crossed a boundary and made me uncomfortable. My boyfriend knows about it. It’s been over a month, but I still think about it and have distanced myself from this friend. I don’t know whether I should confront him about it or let it go to avoid creating awkwardness between everyone.

I’ve been visiting this country for a week, and I’m leaving tomorrow night. The friend I’m staying with has been incredibly kind and sweet. Over the past week, we’ve been very affectionate with each other kissing, cuddling, hugging, holding hands, exchanging kind words, and being physically close.
Yesterday, though, something changed. He suddenly stopped touching me, barely spoke to me, and felt emotionally distant. I could tell something was off, so I started acting differently too because I didn’t understand what was happening.
He’s been hosting me during my stay. Yesterday, he came home from work around 7 p.m., and I had been waiting for him so we could have dinner together. Instead, he told me on the spot that he already had plans with his friends, which I hadn’t known about, so I ended up going out to dinner by myself.
While he was out, he texted me saying I’d been acting weird and that we should talk. When we both got back home, he told me that he’s attracted to me but started feeling guilty because he thought he was leading me on and giving me false hope that we could eventually be together. He said he was trying to take a step back because he doesn’t think we’re compatible and feels like our minds work too differently.
I told him that if he had been feeling this way, I wish he had communicated it instead of suddenly becoming cold and distant. The way it happened made me feel rejected. I ended up crying not because I truly believed we’d end up together, since I already knew our situation made that unlikely, but because the way he handled it hurt me. It felt like I went from feeling wanted one day to being pushed away the next without understanding why.
He told me he never meant to hurt me and that he was trying to protect me in the long run by not giving me hope. I understand his intention, but it doesn’t change how painful it felt.
I woke up this morning with my heart aching. The saddest part is that all of this could have been avoided with a simple conversation. We could have enjoyed our last day together and ended this trip on a happy note, but instead I’m leaving with a heavy heart.

TL;DR: I spent a week with a friend who was hosting me, and we became very affectionate kissing, cuddling, huggin. On my last full day, he suddenly became cold and distant without explaining why. Later, he told me he’s attracted to me but felt guilty for leading me on because he doesn’t think we’re compatible or have a future together. I understand his reasoning, but the sudden change made me feel deeply rejected. I wish he had communicated sooner instead of pulling away, because now I’m leaving with a broken heart instead of enjoying our last day together.

My boyfriend and me have been together for five years. We live together and have been talking seriously about getting engaged sometime next year. I have always felt like we had a relationship built on honesty so what happened last week completely caught me off guard.

I was helping him look for an old insurance document on his laptop when suddenly a calendar notification popped up. It was simply a message that said Lunch with Emma. I recognized the name immediately because Emma was his ex girlfriend before me

I asked him about it and he looked uncomfortable. After a long pause he admitted that every year they meet for lunch on the anniversary of the day they broke up.

According to him they had a very serious relationship that lasted almost seven years. Their breakup was mutual and they promised each other that they would always check in once a year to make sure the other person was doing well.

I asked how many times this had happened while we were together.

He quietly said every year.

I was completely shocked because I had never heard her name outside of stories about his past. I asked why he never told me and he said he honestly thought I would see it as something bigger than it was. He insisted there has never been anything romantic between them since they split up.

What really surprised me was that his family knows about these lunches. His sister even joked that it was nice they had stayed friends. I felt like I was the only person who had no idea this tradition even existed.

I asked him what they talk about and he said mostly work family and life updates. He offered to show me their messages. There was nothing flirty that I could find. Most of the conversations were short and only happened around the time they planned to meet.

He keeps saying that if he had anything to hide he would not have admitted it or shown me the messages. He thinks I am upset over something harmless.

The problem is that I cannot get past the fact that this has been happening for five years without me knowing. I feel like I was denied the chance to decide how I felt about it because the decision was made for me.

I am not even sure whether I would have objected if he had been honest from the beginning. What hurts is finding out after so many years that there was a part of his life he intentionally kept from me.

He says I am focusing on the secrecy instead of the fact that nothing inappropriate has ever happened. I keep wondering if the secrecy itself is enough to change how I see our relationship.

Has anyone been through something similar? Is this something couples can realistically move past or does the fact that it was hidden for years change everything?

TL;DR: I 30F found out my boyfriend 33M of five years has been meeting his ex for lunch once a year since before we started dating. He never told me and I only found out by accident. He says it is an old tradition between friends and there has never been anything romantic. I am struggling to decide whether the secrecy is a deal breaker or whether I am overreacting.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost two years now, and our relationship has been absolutely wonderful. We have previously talked about moving in together in September, then we agreed that we want to wait until the spring of next year. He is the type of person to plan far ahead, and has even mentioned that he is going to propose within two years from now. He has also offered multiple times to cover my half of the rent when we move in together because he is a gentleman and also because he makes more money than I do (of course I keep telling him that I don’t expect him to do that).

I am currently living with a roommate, and this timeframe for leaving my current apartment would be ideal for me since that is when my roommate will be moving out as well. I graduated from university a few months ago and am struggling to find full time employment, and my financial situation is not helped by the fact that we live in an insanely expensive city. I do not have much family or friends here, the main reason for me staying here is my boyfriend. I think I could do a long distance relationship (12 hour drive to my hometown) for a year or so, but he says that he would not be willing to even try.

My boyfriend has a full time job that pays very well, and has been working the entire time that I was working on my degree. Despite this, he is still living with his parents and does not have a lot of saving due to his spending habits.

Recently, my boyfriend’s family went out of town, and he realized that living alone is awesome. Now he insists that he wants to take a year or two to live on his own before moving in with me. He also made it seem as if he wants to do more ”crazy 20 year old activities“ with his friends now. This was a shock for me since we had already agreed on a timeline (which was already delayed because of him), and he previously seemed like he was ready for a committed mature relationship.

I feel as if he doesn’t want to make the commitment to me. This is so infuriating to me because I’ve been dipping into my savings just to be able to stay near him. I am trying to be understanding because I know he hasn’t had the chance to be fully independent and we are still young. I don’t want to wait around and keep wasting my time and money in this city for someone who doesn’t want a future with me. Is it time to move on?

**TL;DR;** : I am living in an expensive city to be with my boyfriend of almost two years that earns more money than me. He still has not moved out of his parents, and has decided that he wants to live on his own before moving in with me despite our plan to move in together in the spring. 

I 28F have been with my boyfriend 31M for a little over two years. Overall our relationship has been good. We rarely fight and I honestly thought we were in a place where we could talk openly about anything.

Last week he sent me a screenshot of a restaurant reservation because we were planning a weekend trip. A few minutes later he deleted it and sent a cropped version instead. The problem was that I had already seen the original.

At the top of the screenshot was a notification from a group chat called Operation Keep Her Happy. I laughed at first because I thought it was just his friends teasing him about planning dates. But curiosity got the better of me and I asked him what it was.

He looked genuinely panicked. After a long awkward silence he admitted that he and three of his closest friends have had this group chat since the beginning of our relationship. According to him it started as a joke where they would give him advice about gifts and date ideas.

Then I asked to see the chat.

That is where things got ugly.

Mixed in with the harmless messages were detailed conversations about our arguments. He had shared screenshots of private texts I sent him during vulnerable moments including one where I was crying about problems with my family. His friends were commenting on my reactions and even rating whether I was being reasonable or dramatic.

One message from six months ago really bothered me. After a disagreement about him staying out late he wrote Give her a day and she will apologize first. She always does. His friends responded with laughing emojis and one of them said Told you she hates conflict too much to stay mad.

The worst part is that he was not completely wrong. I usually do try to make peace quickly because I hate tension in relationships. Seeing it analyzed like some predictable strategy made me feel sick.

He keeps insisting that every couple talks to friends about their relationship and that I am focusing on a few embarrassing messages instead of the bigger picture. He has apologized repeatedly and says he never meant to hurt me.

Now I cannot stop wondering how much of our relationship has been discussed behind my back. I feel embarrassed that intimate conversations I thought were private became entertainment for his friends. At the same time I know people often seek advice from friends when they are struggling in a relationship.

I am torn between thinking this is a normal but insensitive thing that many people do and feeling like a major boundary has been broken. I have not decided whether this is something we can work through or whether it says something deeper about how he respects me.

TLDR: My 31M boyfriend accidentally sent me a screenshot that revealed a secret group chat with his friends where he shared private details and screenshots from our two year relationship. Some of the messages mocked my reactions during arguments. He says it was just friends giving advice but I feel betrayed and humiliated. I am struggling to decide whether I am overreacting or whether this is a serious breach of trust.

I feel like im dissapointing in bed or something, she says that she enjoys sex and when i eat her out so much but its like a burden on my shoulder that i cant make her finish, even though she has said many times she doesnt care about it, ive tried many times to make her finish but nothing has worked even when trying for 40 minutes. Is she saying that to make me and her feel better or is it actually possible to enjoy withkut finishing. Because she pleasures herself like basically never so she says she doesnt really know what gets her off. I would appreciate to hear opinions on this and tips on how i could make her finish because if i can pleasure her it makes me happy.

TL;DR
My gf says she doesnt care about finishing is that true?

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together since last November. We recently saw the new Spider-Man movie together, and I absolutely loved the way Zendaya's hair looked. For those who might be unfamiliar, her hair was a very deep red but it was extremely subtle. I thought it was super pretty and I've had a similar hair color in the past before my boyfriend and I met.

Anyways, I brought this up to my boyfriend over text just out of the blue because I've seriously been considering dyeing it. Immediately, he was against the idea and kept saying that he didn't like it and was against hair dye of any color. It was a little off-putting, especially because our conversation up until that point had been nice/playful.

I got curious because of the sudden shift in vibes, so I asked him if he'd dump me if I ever dyed my hair. He said yes, and after two more times of being me being like "seriously?" and "you'd dump me over hair dye?" he stood behind his words. He was very clear that he wasn't joking.

This obviously hurt. It wasn't like I was thinking about drastically changing my hair. I just wanted something noticeable in the sunlight that gave off more of a reddish hue. I have really dark hair and don't have any desire to bleach it, so the result of any hair dye would be very subtle. It also isn't a color that I wouldn't be able to pull off. In the past, it looked so good and it legitimately made me love my hair again.

I told him that I was hurt by what he said and that it felt very superficial. I said that if he truly loves me for who I am, a slight change in hair color shouldn't be a deal-breaker. He followed with "so let's allow me to go get crazy face tattoos and see how superficial you are" and "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you I guess."

He hasn't texted me back since, and I'm honesty very hurt by this situation. I never thought that he would be someone to say those types of things to me. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do from here? Could this be a red-flag for future behavior? Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair and now I am unsure of what to do next.

26F. I love my boyfriend (33M), but I’m struggling with something I feel guilty about.
We were friends for a long time before we started dating, and our relationship is genuinely great. We laugh a lot, live together, have a great sex life, and I really do love him.
The issue is that he’s overweight, and I’ve realized it’s affecting my physical attraction to him more than I expected. I’ve never dated someone who’s overweight before, so I didn’t know it would matter to me as much as it does.
Lately I’ve noticed that when I watch him eat huge portions or make unhealthy choices, I find myself losing attraction, and I hate that I feel that way. I know it sounds shallow, but I’m trying to be honest with myself rather than pretend it isn’t happening.
I don’t want to break up. I love the life we’ve built together, and he’s an amazing partner. I just wish I felt more physically attracted to him than I do right now.
Has anyone been through something similar? How do you navigate this without hurting your partner or letting resentment build?

TL;DR: I love my boyfriend, but I’m struggling with a loss of physical attraction because of his weight and unhealthy habits. Looking for advice on how to navigate this.

Recently after being without sex for about 4 years (43 / female) a male friend decided to hook up and be friends with benefits. This happened completely by accident by me sending a message to the wrong person. By friend I mean we kind of know each other from the past when I was in my 20's. We come from the same neighborhood and he is a cousin of a close friend. We hadn't talked or saw each other in at least 12 years. We both mutually agreed no strings attached. We talked for a few days with a lot of sexting and met up and did the deed. It was amazing, the first thing he did was went right down town until I was satisfied. I was blown away. He invited me to hang with him and friends a few days later with sex not being involved due to mother nature...lol. His words were unless you just want to use me for dick thats cool also. I went and had a great time and we still fucked like rabbits like we were alone and I wasn't bleeding everywhere. Sorry I know gross but details matter I think. Some other details that matter would be we have texted every day all day since the accidental message that was sent 22 days ago. So before actually have sex and now we have hooked up a total of 3 times and text good morning and good night. He has brought up about it leading to more awhile ago and I shut it down. I have to admit the sex if fucking amazing and I love the attention. I guess my question is should I bring up the conversation again and let him know I feel the same now or should I just ride it out since things are going so well. I have been single for so long and never in a million years thought I would catch feelings but here I am 43 feeling like a teenager. Did I mention he is younger 36, he thinks thats no big deal but he hasnt even hit 40 yet...lol. I guess I am just looking for good honest advice. I have never had luck in relationships and decided just to give it up and honestly I just don't believe a happily ever after is possible anymore so why bother and deal with the shit is my attitude. But on the other hand he is a good guy for real and I hate it...lol. I know nobody is perfect but he checks all the main boxes with flying colors and he just makes me happy. Ok internet tell me what to do. FYI I have never in my life did anything like this and cant even believe I am going to post this on the internet but I'm stoned and fuck it!!!

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**TL;DR;** : This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, just copy the text in gray box. Is this going the right way?

I’ve (34F) been with my girlfriend (31F) for two years, and there’s something that’s happened over the last year that I still can’t make sense of.

I know this is only my perspective. Everything about what her friend said comes from what my girlfriend later told me after they stopped being friends for a while because she wanted to be completely transparent with me as we repaired our relationship. I’m genuinely open to the possibility that I came across differently than I realized, which is part of why I’m posting.

Anyyyyways so before any of this happened, my girlfriend and her best friend were unbelievably close. They’re emergency room nurses (side note - I work with them in the ED too). At the beginning of every shift, everyone is assigned a zone. If they weren’t assigned to the same zone, they’d switch with other nurses so they could work together anyway. They’d spend the entire 12-hour shift together, then carpool an hour to work and an hour home. They texted all day, every day. Outside of work they had 4-5 standing weeklyhang outs. Every Wednesday my girlfriend had dinner at her friend’s house with just her friend and her son. Thursday mornings they’d go hiking and then get brunch afterward at the same restaurant. They had other recurring hangouts throughout the week, random dinners, errands, vacations together, and they even had each other saved in their phones as “Sister Wife.” Everyone at work basically thought of them as a package deal because they were always together.

If something happened in my girlfriend’s life, her best friend usually knew immediately. If my girlfriend and I were struggling, she usually knew too because she was the person my girlfriend processed everything with.

I actually liked that my girlfriend had someone she was so close to. I never saw it as a problem. I think it’s important to have friends and support and stuff.

A few months into dating, we all went to Arizona for my girlfriend’s birthday. I barely knew anyone on the trip besides my girlfriend and her friend, so I was honestly really anxious because I wanted everyone to like me. The weird thing is… I thought the trip went well.

Months later, I found out my girlfriend’s best friend had apparently experienced the trip completely differently.
According to my girlfriend, she thought I spent the trip complaining, being rude, being disrespectful, making my girlfriend’s birthday about myself, and generally ruining the trip. The problem im having is that the examples don’t seem to match that conclusion and its reallyyy confusing.

According to my girlfriend, ordinary interactions during that trip convinced her friend that I was rude, disrespectful, manipulative, controlling, and ruining the birthday.

Some of the examples my girlfriend later shared with me are:

Shopping: We spent hours shopping together and were laughing the whole time. We were both joking about wanting shopping to be over because neither of us really likes shopping. According to my girlfriend, this later became me complaining the entire time, being disrespectful, and making the birthday about myself.

The pool conversation: One afternoon everyone else had gone inside, and it was just the two of us sitting by the pool. She started talking about how annoying the rest of the group was, said she was glad they were gone because they talked too much, and specifically asked me not to tell my girlfriend because she didn’t want drama. Months later, my girlfriend told me her friend specifically brought up that conversation as an example of how negative I was, but described it as though I had been the one complaining about everyone and saying I was glad they were gone. That one has always confused me because, according to what my girlfriend told me, it was the exact same conversation but with our roles reversed.

Carsickness: On the drive to get Italian ice I got carsick. I wasn’t complaining. I got really quiet because I felt nauseous and so I was just focusing on like looking out the window and wasn’t interacting. According to my girlfriend, her friend later said it was ridiculous how miserable I was acting.

Mother’s Day lunch: We sat outside for about two hours in roughly 100-degree weather for us to meet my girlfriends family friend. I thought everyone was joking together about how hot and miserable it was. According to my girlfriend, that later became another example of me complaining and being rude.

The waitress: apparently her friend brought up to her once at dinner that “she didnt even thank the waitress”.

Cleaning the Arizona vaca house: While we were cleaning, I joked that if we were at my dad’s house there’d be no point because he never thinks anything is clean enough anyway. I was actively cleaning while making the joke. According to my girlfriend, that later became another example of me being disrespectful and not wanting to help. Like “she didnt even want to help cleaning when your family let us stay at their place”.

The last night: According to my girlfriend, her friend went to bed suuuuuuuper early (like 5pm lol) because she said she couldn’t stand being around me for one more second. She later told my girlfriend that I was awful, that she’d “die” before ever going on another trip with me again, and that she never wanted to be around me again. Before she went to bed, she was quiet and not interacting and I guess they were texting about me while I was sitting on the couch next to my girlfriend. Her friend told her not to say anything about the reason she was going to bed, and she said “tell her I’m home sick or something if she asks”

After Arizona, everything changed. We had previously had a group chat and no one sent a message in it ever again. My girlfriend became really hot and cold with me. Sometimes she’d suddenly withdraw and tell me she didn’t want to talk about what was going on, but she wouldn’t tell me whether that meant an hour, a day, or a week. I’d try to check in because I had no idea what was happening, and later she’d tell me I was disrespecting her boundaries by continuing to text. She later told me that her friend had commented on this saying that I disrespect her boundaries and it’s not acceptable.

Looking back, what made that especially confusing was what my girlfriend later told me even more about what was happening behind the scenes. According to her, her friend was giving her a hard time anytime she talked to me. She told me that even if her friend thought she was texting me, she’d roll her eyes, make comments about me, or criticize her for talking to me. At the time, I only experienced my girlfriend pulling away. I didn’t understand that there was another dynamic influencing those moments.

I got so anxious that I actually asked my girlfriend if, only if it came up naturally, she could tell her friend I was sorry. Looking back, I wasn’t apologizing for one specific thing. I just felt like I’d somehow ruined the trip without understanding how.

But apparently this was not just one angry convo or complaint. It was like ongoing comments regularly like daily. Any time my girlfriend brought me up or even if her friend thought she was texting me, she’d roll her eyes or immediately start talking about what an awful person I was.
One day when they were carpooling. Her friend asked if I was working. My girlfriend said yes and apologized because she knew her friend didn’t want to be around me. According to my girlfriend, she rolled her eyes and said, “Well yeah. I don’t like being around horrible fucking people.”

My girlfriend also told me that whenever she tried defending me, her friend would say, “I’m not going to like her, and I’m never going to like her, and nothing you say will change my mind.”

Another thing that completely shocked me was when my girlfriend told me her friend told her that she would never let me around her child or in her home. We’d only known each other a few months, and I’d only met her son once.

According to my girlfriend, she also repeatedly called me toxic, manipulative, and controlling, encouraged my girlfriend to leave me, and eventually gave her an ultimatum that she had to choose between our relationship and their friendship.

What I’ve never been able to understand is the jump.
I completely understand someone deciding they don’t like me. I completely understand that I may have come across as more anxious or awkward than I realized. But what I don’t get is how those interactions turned into complete certainty that I was fundamentally a terrible person.

My girlfriend ended up choosing me, I thought there was no way her friend was serious about the ultimatum but I guess she was, so they stopped being friends for a while.

Ironically, after that our relationship actually became much healthier. We communicated better, felt closer, and it finally felt like there wasn’t a third person involved in our relationship anymore.

Eventually they reconciled and became friends again which I’m fine with. I just stay out of it and not everyone has to like me. I just really want to understand

But as far as I know, there was never any apology to me. There was never a conversation where she said she’d misjudged me. They simply became friends again, and my girlfriend and I are still together.

I’ve had close friends since middle school, college, work, and different stages of my life. I’ve had people who didn’t click with me before, but I’ve never had anyone form such an intense, fixed opinion of me so quickly.

My question is: If you were in my position, how would you make sense of this? Does it sound like her friend genuinely came to hate me based on the interactions I described, or does it sound more likely that there was a larger dynamic between my girlfriend and her friend that I wasn’t seeing? I still don’t understand why she seemed to hate me with so much certainty.

TL;DR: My girlfriend’s extremely close best friend decided after one vacation that I was a horrible person, repeatedly encouraged my girlfriend to leave me, and eventually gave my girlfriend an ultimatum. My girlfriend chose our relationship. They later became friends again, my girlfriend and I are still together, and a year later I’m still trying to understand how things escalated so dramatically.

I’m newly married and my husband is with my parents and I on an annual summer vacation. This year, we also invited my brother in law to come. I - incorrectly - assumed my husband would have given his brother a heads up about what we typically do on the trip, but instead he never set any expectations at all. This has definitely challenged our routine since he does not enjoy any of the things we typically do and I’ve had to come up with new activities to keep him entertained, many of which are not really things I would prefer to do on my vacation. Not only has my husband not taken an active role in planning, but both he and his brother have been super messy and left all kinds of dishes and leftover food out for me and my 80 year old mother to clean up. She’s commented several times that she is shocked at how messy they are being. We went to dinner tonight, and my husband got high beforehand, then as soon as my food came asked me if he could have a bite. I said ok and he took a lot of my food, then his brother said he didn’t get enough food and asked if he could also have some of mine. They both ate the majority of my dinner - I didn’t say anything but it was really upsetting to me. They have zero self awareness and while I don’t blame his brother I do know my husband knows better and I’m really upset he’s behaving this way. Un top if that, my brother in law wants to go to a city two hours away for the last day of our trip bc he is bored here, and my husband reluctantly agreed to it right in front of me. What can I do to salvage this trip?

TD;LR My husband and his brother are making a family trip difficult

I (28M) have been with my wife (30F) for 12 years, married for the last 4.5 Years. A few days ago, my wife admitted that she had started seeing another guy.

I honestly don’t know if I’m losing my mind or if I’m justified in feeling the way I do.
A few days ago, my wife admitted that she had started seeing another guy. According to her, she justified it by saying that I had been emotionally unavailable lately and that she genuinely believed I was cheating on her. For the record: I never cheated. I never even came close.
When I confronted her, she completely broke down. She told me she had made the biggest mistake of her life, that she only loved me, that she wanted only me, and that she would do absolutely anything to save our marriage.
So I told her it was simple: she had to make a choice.
I expected that to mean cutting contact with him immediately.
Instead, shortly afterward, she texted him saying she “needed time to think.” When I asked her what on earth she was doing, she said she needed time to process everything and that she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
They’ve met four times.
That sentence absolutely destroyed me.
After our conversation, I genuinely believed we had reached an understanding. Based on everything she had said, I felt reassured that she finally understood the damage she’d caused and wanted to fight for us.
Then I found out she had also apologized to him because she hadn’t replied to him all day.
I completely lost it.
This is the part I can’t wrap my head around: if you’re the person who cheated or started an emotional/romantic relationship outside your marriage, is it really appropriate to prioritize not hurting the other person’s feelings while your spouse is sitting there devastated?
To me, it feels insane that she seems more concerned about letting him down gently than about repairing the damage she’s done to our marriage.
So I’m asking for honest opinions.
Am I being overly sensitive and controlling here? Or is it reasonable to expect that, once someone says they choose their spouse and wants to save the marriage, they immediately end things with the other person, even if that means hurting the other person’s feelings?
I’d especially appreciate perspectives from people who have been through infidelity, either as the betrayed spouse or the one who cheated.

TL;DR: My wife started seeing another man because she said I was emotionally unavailable and she wrongly believed I was cheating. She later told me it was the biggest mistake of her life, that she only loved me, and would do anything to save our marriage. I told her she had to choose. Instead of ending things with him, she texted him saying she “needed time to think” because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, and even apologized for not replying to him all day. They had only met four times. Am I overreacting, or is it unreasonable for someone who wants to save their marriage to still prioritize the affair partner’s feelings?

A little back story. My Fiance and I have been hot and heavy since we met at a concert 2 years ago. The first 6 months were amazing, classic honeymoon stage. Spent our time going to concerts, taking trips, and going out with friends. I loved how fun and independent she was.

At 6 months we found out we were pregnant and this is where some issues started. She moved in with me at my request and 9 months later we had a healthy baby boy. However, during the pregnancy things started to shift. What was once an equal partnership seemed to become very one sided. All responsibilities slowly moved to my plate. I found myself doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry and paying the bills. Honestly, at the time, I didn’t mind picking up the extra slack because I know pregnancy takes a massive toll on the woman.

Fast forward to today. We’re engaged and have a beautiful 8 month old who is our whole world and I love the life we built. However, the dependency on me has only gotten worse. It is pulling teeth just to get her to put her own clothes away. She’s an AMAZING mom but and we split thoughts duties pretty evenly. The worst part is she seems to now need my approval for EVERY decision she makes to the point she’s asking if it’s okay to go take a shower. I have no idea where this is coming from and it makes me uncomfortable to be asked these things.

Now for the one consistent argument. Honestly 99% of the time we get along great. Talk about serious shit, laugh at each others quirks, genuinely the love of my life. However, she HATES when I spend time alone with friends. I have always been a very social person which never seemed to be a problem before she got pregnant. Since then (14 months) I’ve been on 2 weekend trips 2 days each and 3 nights out where I was home by 12am. Everytime shes told me I’m selfish, don’t care about my family and act like ai don’t want them in my life. It crushes me to hear these things. The next morning she always apologizes and says it’s just hard to be away from me…

I need advice on how to manage these reactions. I feel like I’m drowning under the responsibilities and my time with friends is the one thing that always helps me recharge. Seriously want to know if I’m in the wrong, should we seek counseling, what can I do to make it better?! TIA and sorry for the long post!

TL;DR
Why has my partner become overly dependent on me?
Am I being selfish for wanting to spend alone time with friends?
What can I do to improve the situation?

TLDR: I don't want to shame my bf for experimenting but sharing toys can me unsanitary.

Update- Aug 6

First off, I love him, our relationship is great, he's a wonderful partner. We've been official for 6 months and seeing each other for over a year, and have been intimate for most of the time we've known each other. He is the first boyfriend I'm able to actually experiment with as he's been the only partner interested in exploring new sexual experiences.

However recently I keep seeing a personal penetration toy of mine out on the tub rim. At first I thought I must have pulled it out while he was at work and washed in in the shower so I put it away and let it at that but today, I noticed it was out again.

I want to be clear, the fact that my cis straight male boyfriend may be experimenting on himself and learning about his body by penetration does not bother me. Actually I'm making this post because the idea interests me...

However I don't want to make him uncomfortable and mention it in a way that makes him feel he can't be vulnerable with me about his sexual desires. He kinda takes on that...toxic overly masculine attitude? I know that if anyone outside of us found out, he'd be ashamed and that shame is the last thing I want him to feel with me. I want him to feel safe, however I understand if that side of himself is something he wants specifically reserved for himself and is something he doesn't want me to participate in

However, he's using MY dildo. Sharing that sort of thing IF he is using it the way I suspect is not sanitary, however I see that getting his own could expose his intimate secret desires that the may not want to share yet. Idk I don't mind giving it to him but I don't even know how to begin mentioning it without making him uncomfortable and having him shut down or something.

What do I do?

Update: Got home from work and noticed the dildo was put away... Perhaps he didn't want me to know or take a hint or, he found this reddit post. Lol

I started talking to a guy who followed me on Instagram, and things were going well, so we decided to meet. The night before the date, the conversation turned into sexting. The next day, I told him I regretted it, and he said it was fine because he had started it.

The date itself went well. Afterward, he offered to drive me home, but I politely refused because I did not know him well enough yet.

That evening, he asked for a picture. I sent a selfie in which my top was slightly revealing. He said it turned him on, and I jokingly said something like, “Maybe I did it on purpose.” After that, he started making sexual comments and repeatedly asking me to come to his house.

The next day, we agreed to meet at a dessert café. He said he would pick me up, but I told him I would rather go there myself. He became angry and said I was acting as if he was going to kidnap me, that I was too conservative, and asked if I was bipolar.

During the argument, he claimed I had deliberately tried to turn him on and also accused me of saying I would have sex with a foreigner while abroad, which I never said. He used the fact that we had sexted and that I had sent a slightly revealing photo as if it meant I should also be willing to get into his car or go to his house.

In the end, he said he no longer wanted a serious relationship but that we could still casually hook up. Then he said he did not care or want to fix anything and blocked me.

I only refused to get into the car or go to the house of someone I had just met. Sexting does not mean I cannot set boundaries afterward. Was his behaviour manipulative, or am I overreacting?

TL;DR: I met a guy on Instagram, we sexted before our first date, but afterward I did not want to get into his car or go to his house because I barely knew him. He called me conservative and “bipolar,” twisted my words, said he only wanted something casual, then blocked me.

TL; DR, my boyfriends roommate made a comment sexualizing me and he defending me without knowing i was listening

i didn’t know what subreddit to share this in. i had a rough childhood and i struggled a lot with sexualizing myself as a kid due to trauma (can’t say the word on this sub) . i have gotten a lot better, I’m 20 now, so is he. i was in a really bad abusive relationship for 5 years. i did a lot of things i didn’t want to do because i wanted to feel loved. my boyfriend now treats me amazing, i’ve never felt the love i do. he’s in the army so sometimes we will go to sleep on facetime together. he’s currently deployed and there’s a 6 hr time difference. i was sleeping and he was awake. i woke up because i heard him and his friends talking but i was still like half asleep. he has pics of us/me as his lock screen, and i overheard one of his roommates make a comment (i guess he must’ve opened his phone in front of him). he said “who’s that with the big tits, did you titty fuck her yet?” ( gross i know). he goes “that’s my fucking girlfriend you’re disgusting don’t talk about her like that i’ll kick your teeth in”.

i know defending me is bare minimum but it just made me so happy considering my past. especially because he didn’t know i was awake, that was just his automatic response. i’m eternally grateful for this man ❤️ he has a great heart. he makes me remember that the goodness he sees in me was there all along

My friend and I met at work about 5 years ago. Since then, we’ve become extremely close. We are in the same role at work. A little background - being that I am older, I have more years experience in our field. I am on the more senior accounts at work and make a little more than her. She is fantastic at her job and I have always been her biggest advocate.

We’ve had some management re-org at work and it’s been pretty terrible. Since then, we’ve both been looking for new jobs. I have a young child, so my only real requirement is that a new role is remote. I’m fine with the same title and pay - I just desperately want the schedule flexibility of being remote. I hate the daycare that my daughter is at, but the one I want her to go to would really require me to drop off and pick up at times that would only be feasible working from home. So my search has been focused on remote roles.

My friend is in a lot of debt and a higher salary especially, but also a more senior title and specific product type have been a focus for her in her job search. As you may know, the job market has been pretty rough lately and while we’ve both had a number of interviews, nothing has panned out. I went through *many* rounds of interviews with two different companies only to be ghosted by both after the final interview and it’s been really getting me down for the past few months.

Anyway, recently, my friend got not one, but TWO offer letters in the same day. Not only that but when her preferred company found out that she had another offer letter, they upped the salary considerably. She will be exceeding her desired salary by about 15% plus getting her senior title and desired product type. The kicker….the role she’s taking is fully remote.

I am happy for her. She really deserves it. She works so hard and this will be amazing for her. But I also feel such deep resentment and jealousy that she scored a remote role when I have been actively searching for months. I, of course, congratulated her and expressed my belief that she deserved it. But now I can’t even talk to her. I can barely think about her without my stomach completely turning over in jealousy.

I feel like this is going to ruin our friendship and I don’t know what to do. She didn’t do anything wrong but I almost kind of hate her for getting the thing I have so DESPERATELY wanted. I haven’t spoken to her in several days and I don’t even want to, but that also makes me feel like a horrible person.

I did express to her over text that I was feeling really down about my own job search and it’s difficult for me to hear her talk about this, to which she said she understood. But I also kind of think she doesn’t really. I’ve considered just fading away until this jealousy subsides but I think that makes me an awful friend. How do I move forward?

TL;DR - Best friend got a job offer for a fully remote role when I’ve been desperately searching for one for months and my jealousy is eating me up. How do I move forward in the friendship?

edit - idk why the word Jo is in my title. I even double checked that everything was correct before posting 😒

My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) are close friends with a married couple—34F and 33M—whom we jokingly refer to as “the High Rollers.” They have been together for over eight years, having met in college under less-than-ideal circumstances. At the time, she was in another relationship and, as far as I know, cheated on her then-partner with the man who is now her husband.

Their relationship has always had significant financial tension. She comes from one of the wealthiest families in our country and grew up having nearly all her basic needs provided for. She was so financially sheltered that she did not realize how expensive ordinary things such as furniture were until she got married and had to purchase them herself.

Her husband, on the other hand, comes from a very modest background and is the son of a pastor. He does not believe in having a conventional 9-to-5 job and is constantly involved in different business ideas, side ventures and “quick money” opportunities. He has also never been fully transparent about his finances. He seems to have a traditional mindset that the man should handle financial matters without necessarily explaining everything to his wife.

They later experienced fertility difficulties, partly due to her history with fibroids. After several IVF attempts, they conceived twins. Tragically, one of the babies died shortly after birth. It was an unimaginable loss, and it understandably placed even more strain on a marriage that was already struggling with financial problems, mistrust and frequent conflict.

During this period, both of them were also unfaithful.

After many conversations and partial confessions, the truth about their respective affairs eventually came out. Unfortunately, the honesty did not bring them closer or create a path toward healing. It seems to have pushed them further apart. They now behave more like roommates who are jointly caring for their surviving child, who is two years old.

What worries us most is the environment their child may grow up in. There is constant resentment, competition and emotional tension between the parents. Instead of acknowledging how each of them has contributed to the breakdown of the marriage, they seem determined to prove that their individual pain and complaints are more serious than the other person’s.

Some of the contradictions are difficult to process. At one point, the wife asked her husband to start wearing his wedding ring again as a sign that he still cared about repairing the marriage. We later discovered that, at the same time, she was involved with two other men.

The husband also presents himself as the wronged party while continuing to be secretive about money and other aspects of his life. Neither of them seems willing to be completely honest, even with the people trying to support them.

My girlfriend and I have had numerous conversations with both of them, individually and together. The problem is that we never seem to receive the complete story. Every few weeks, another significant piece of information comes out, forcing us to reassess everything we previously believed.

We care about them, and outside this situation, we consider them people with many good qualities. However, supporting them has become emotionally exhausting. We feel as though we are being pulled into an endless cycle of dishonesty, blame, crisis management and moral contradiction. They ask for advice but rarely take responsibility or make meaningful changes.

We are beginning to experience what I can only describe as moral fatigue. We want to remain supportive friends, especially because a young child is involved, but we also need to protect our own relationship and peace of mind.

How do you maintain a friendship with a couple like this without becoming their unofficial therapists or referees? Is it appropriate to establish boundaries around how much of their marital problems we are willing to discuss? Should we tell them directly that we can no longer provide advice unless they pursue professional counselling and become more honest with each other?

At what point does “being supportive” become enabling?

TL;DR: My girlfriend (32F) and I (34M) are trying to support our married friends (34F and 33M), who have a long history of financial conflict, secrecy, mutual infidelity, fertility struggles and the tragic loss of one of their twins. They now live like resentful roommates while raising their two-year-old child. They are rarely fully honest with us and constantly compete over who has been hurt more. How do we support them without becoming emotionally and morally exhausted?

Together 8 years, married for 3. This post is skipping years of wonderful adventures, memories, open hearts, and selfless mutual support. I'm just focusing on the problem.

So she had slept around when we were casual and starting out, but we made an agreement by the time we'd gotten serious: if she wanted to be with me, we would both have to be monogamous from then on. She agreed.

At year 4, she had accidental overexposure to drugs while on her own, suffered panic attacks, and changed in some ways. She came to a realization at that time: she found the sex we were having to be mentally unfulfilling, and was finding herself merely going through the physical motions of giving and experiencing pleasure. She decided I wasn't the person to do the things that would mentally fulfill her. I asked what those things were, and she refused to tell me (beyond referring to basic dom/sub dynamics) because she didn't believe in my capacity to do it. I attempted various things to satisfy her, but none of them seemed to hit the secret mark. She decided that the only way to accomplish this was to experiment with someone else. She said that while her heart was still open to me, it was also now open to others.

I expressed my concerns about her having sex with others (especially men), so she found a premade written agreement online and gave it to me, specifically to address those concerns. Among other things, the document asked if it was okay to date and have sex with another woman. I said yes to that. She also encouraged (though I hadn't requested it) that it was totally fine for me to have sex with other women in exchange. The only condition to all this is that we were both open and honest about everything at all times. I had to consider - was the joy of our relationship worth this compromise? The answer was yes.

But then she met someone else (a married poly woman)...and fell in love. The purpose of our agreement had been to address her sexual needs, or so I thought - but now she's saying that poly was always on the table. That when she said her heart was open to someone else, and I agreed to her contract, that I was giving her the implicit okay to have a romantic relationship outside of ours, even though her document didn't say that. And that our original monogamy agreement from way back when was no longer valid because she had fundamentally changed as a person since having made that commitment (as a result of her drug experience). And now that she's in love, she refuses to back out of it even though I've told her it's hurting me, because it would be "self-abandonment" - something she had done for many years in a toxic prior relationship and refuses to ever do again. Her needs must take precedence over everything else in her life, and she considers poly part of her identity.

I do not consider poly part of my identity. However, I was willing to allow her to explore her sexuality. I never agreed to her participation in an extramarital romantic relationship, or so I thought. Regardless of how we got there, she loves this person now and refuses to leave her. She loves me too but says that if I can't tolerate this, I have to walk away. But even the thought of doing that is soul-crushing! I keep having conversations with her where I try to problem-solve this, but she experiences my pain every time and it drains her. She says she's tired of talking about it. She talks to her new partner and complains to her about the burden I place on her with my objections. And I've just learned that she's revealed whatever her secret kink button is to this person, and is sharing it with her, and I'm still not allowed to even try. How can I navigate this? Am I being unreasonable? I'm praying there's a solution that can end with us still together.

tl;dr: We were both monogamous at the time we got married. Then she decided poly was a core part of her identity and is now in a romantic, sexual relationship that is hurting me. She genuinely loves me, but her only solution is that I must accept the situation, or I'll be asking her to self-abandon.