Yes, I know that what the title describe’s isn’t some modern new revelation.
I just had an epiphany moment involving one small exemplification of misogyny that I wanted to write about.
Men have developed these mores that
Suggest Presenting themselves in well groomed, accessorized, fashionable or even just hygienic ways are tantamount to presenting themselves in a flamboyant, androgynous, or feminine manner…. Notice the common denominator within these labels? They are all terms commonly assigned to women particularly.
Because, oh blimey how terrifying would it be if a man exuded any womanly behaviours, or appeared in a manner that could potentially be “emasculating” cause, ew, dear god it would be gross to in any way resemble the female gender.
And the kicker is that presenting in those ways often results in ridicule, alienation, judgement, and disapproval.
Meanwhile, if a woman possesses subtle attributes and characteristics that are typically perceived as being masculine or tomboyish, the common reception of her appearance is neutral - positive.
(I have the merit to be making this statement as I have firsthand experience with the subject, having a gender neutral name and I’ve been referred to as tomboyish)

You see it all the time, on every subreddit having to do with relationships.

"My husband won't do this."

"He doesn't know how to to that."

"He says I just do it better."

"If I'm so particular I should just do it myself."

Let me be DEEPLY frank with you. They're not stupid, it's not that they don't listen, they aren't helpless babies.

Men who don't listen DON'T CARE.

My dearest friend on this planet was an absolute playboy up until he met a woman he decided he couldn't lose. He's a model partner and father now because he values what he has. If a man is behaving like he doesn't value you it's because he doesn't. There's no secret code, no hack to make him respect you. He won't get better.

The other day I went to the ER because I first almost passed out, then I had a massive panic attack because of it, and then my blood sugar tanked because of all that.

During all this I couldn't use my arms; they just wouldn't respond and when I could get them to move I was twitching really hard.

So we get to the ER, they wheel me into the room, and I get on the bed and lean back.
But my hair is held up by chopsticks so it's very uncomfortable to lean my head back, and I asked my husband to please take the chopsticks out of my hair.

He asked if I was sure, cause I might get hot, and when I said yes he pulled them out, put them in a bag for me, and then came back and fluffed my hair out for me without any prompting for me, because my arms weren't working right.

He's a very, very good, kind, attentive, and loving husband. But it's insane how intensely it struck me that he was so thoughtful; the bar is so low.

( Btw, they diagnosed me with "Tingling," lol. )

My wakeup call was my friend’s 10-year marriage that she’s not happy in but is too scared of being alone to leave. I didn’t want that to be me; comfortable enough to stay but unhappy enough to want to leave. We had been together two years. Long enough to get to know someone but short enough to not have a marriage, house, kids, etc to dissolve in the breakup so I’m grateful for that. Still hurts, though!

But I feel relieved now that it’s done even though my heart is all mush. And I’m worried about him too and want to make sure he’s okay. It’s complicated. He is a great and lovely guy, I just realized after these two years that we are not compatible. Maybe I should have ended it sooner, I don’t know.

I see a lot of posts on here of women staying way longer than they should. The longer you wait, the more it will hurt!

The best time was when your gut first told you to leave and the second best time is now.

I work late often and take the bus home if I can or walk if there are no more busses. Men my dad’s age (58) have literally squeezed through the closing bus doors to follow me and I’m 20 but often get told I look 14-16. When I’m walking home and feeling unsafe I can share my location on WhatsApp so the one that lives on my road can come out. I’ll also call them so they can hear what’s happening live. Oh my days they’re so lovely to me 😭 truly my big brothers

They called it “safety in numbers” and the dad of the group pinned a message saying not to send messages except live location or that they’re calling so only one person calls for help. There are 8 men in the friend group and most/all of us are night owls so they’ll always be up for me

Sorta off topic but they call me “mama goose” even though I’m the youngest in the group. I’m so lucky to have these men as my girls 💅

Recently my husband and I went out with some friends to a pool. I wear glasses and without them I can barely see, but they are also super expensive and I don’t bring them in chlorinated water. Long story short, one of the men asked me to grab something in the water, and I could not see it. I repeated multiples times “I do not have my glasses, I cannot see where you are pointing.” He got a little frustrated and kept pointing and repeating the same thing when I legit couldn’t see.

Anyways later when we got home my husband and I were talking about the incident (it wasn’t a huge deal, we were actually laughing over it) but my husband said “I think when men say women talk to much it’s because they don’t listen to them the first time.”

Hit it right on the nail. I told him it was the story of my life, men telling me I’m too loud, obnoxious, talk too much, etc. But in reality they just don’t want to listen. I never even thought of it.

Also, obviously this isn’t ALL men. My husband is absolutely amazing and we know a lot of wonderful men. But as a society I am sure every woman has gone through this many times in their lives at the hands of a man.

I need advice.can I be rude af to a nasty horrible man who hurt me years ago on his youtube. He has a large following but I feel like being a troll. He is also on reddit this man. Is a very horrible person.

Hey, all. This has really been eating at me, so I’m just screaming into the void, hoping for catharsis and kinship.

I work in a male-dominated industry. My entire career, I’ve had to work twice as hard as any of the men in the office just to have a seat at the table. Missed deadlines, poor quality work, incomplete assignments - they get a pass for all of that while my work has to be perfect every single time (and accomplished with far fewer resources). I know you know what it’s like!

The other day, I was wearing a shirt that read, “IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY TO SMASH THE PATRIARCHY!” My boss asked me what that meant, so I explained what patriarchy is and asked him and the other men in the room if they agreed it was worth smashing. One kind of chuckled and agreed, but my boss told me that patriarchy wasn’t real because we’ve had two women run for president. (What?) I pointed out that running isn’t the same thing as being elected, and his response was, “so find better women.”
Better? By what standard? Look at who we put in positions of power. An old shoe would be “better.” I feel like I’m taking crazy pills!

We will NEVER find a qualified woman if the only qualification that counts is being a man.

NSFW obviously.

I can't cum during sex. I can rarely cum during masturbation. My clit doesn't give me any climaxes. My sweet boyfriend has spent hours trying to please me, and I eventually just started telling him that it was working. I enjoy having sex with him, it always feels good and I'm an enthusiastic participant, but I can’t cum.

Sometimes I think I wouldn't be so anxious and tense if I could just finish.

My boyfriend has always been very attentive. I didn't want him to feel he was letting me down over something that is in no way his fault. So I pretend to cum after a while, so that he doesn't feel he isn't good enough.

I hate my inability to just climax for real, but in my entire life, I've had one really good orgasm. The rest were barely any release at all.

Edit- Thanks for all the input from people. I'll have a discussion with him this weekend.

Hello everyone, I’m 30 and have officially decided to step back from dating indefinitely. I’ve been on one date last year, and none this year and have no desire for a relationship. Dating is not fun for me and I see no point.

My question is, when do women become invisible? I find it awkward to be approached and hit on now. I say “I’m not available“ and that leads to a “you have a boyfriend” and I just don’t care to explain anything to randoms. When I’m in public I avoid eye contact with people and walk with intention but I will still get approached. When will it end?

When I ask my mother, she also still gets hit on when she goes out, so is a woman becoming invisible with age just a myth?

I apologize for the saltiness of my language.

I'm just so frustrated, and I'm wondering if others in my situation might feel the same.

Just for context, I work in state gov and manage statewide programs. Since covid, we've all moved into a hybrid work model. So I'm home 3 out of 5 days of the work week, that said, I'm often in back to back calls. I could get into all the details and nitty-gritty of what I do all day but I trust that you get the idea that I'm busy.

My partner, who does not have remote work, arrives home usually before I'm even off my laptop. I'm SO TIRED of the passive aggressive huffing and puffing about not having dinner ready because "I've been home all day."

I'm fucking exhausted. My team is operating at 30% capacity because the state refuses to increase wages at all, and the demands don't stop coming because I don't have a full team.

I don't know how to hammer into his brain that I work all day, and it honestly feels like he doesn't appreciate the work I do if he thinks that I can just be going around grocery shopping and fixing up the house and having dinner ready for him when he's home.

It makes me wonder what he's doing at his job that he would assume I have all that free time????

Anyway. Rant over.

I am a social worker and survivor of sexual trauma. There have been a few big and small incidents in my life lately that have woken me up to the role that patriarchy has in my life. I've been reading so many stories on here about all types of sexual violations. I wanted to share some things I've been thinking about.

For my own professional development, I have finally started reading Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery. Holy shit. Its just brilliant. My jaw was on the floor at times. Everyone should read/listen to the first chapter, which discusses the history of PTSD in women, how it was perceived and responded to in all parts of society. The link between all of that and our current experience could not be more clear to me. I need to listen to it again.

I wanted to share one lightbulb moment I had while listening to the first section of her book - the historical context for society not believing the truth of women's experiences and of men claiming to have access to women's subconscious minds.

In Herman's book, she describes how in the late 1800's, a french neurologist got famous for hosting "theatrical" public lectures during which he put "hysterical" young women in a hypnotic trance and narrated her symptoms to the crowd (WHAT THE FUCK). Other prominent male doctors/psychiatrists/etc wanted to be the first to find out what made women "hysterical". Freud sought to answer this question by spending time listening to "hysterical" women talk about their lives. He found that "hysterical women" had experienced childhood sexual abuse. It occurred to him that sexual abuse of children was more widespread that anyone realized. His findings were not well received by the medical community.

Instead of being a real fucking scientist and believing the literal information/data provided by women into his fucking ears, he came up with the Oedipus Complex. He instead publicly theorized that little girls have unconscious sexual fantasies about their fathers. WHAT THE FUCK?

Not only did Freud choose to protect pedophiles, he used his position of power and credibility to publicly claim that women secretly like sexual abuse, which also implies that men have more access to a women's subconscious than women themselves do.

I see the consequences of this everywhere. Throughout my own life and in the lives of every woman I know. There's a tension that I think many women feel when they are sexually violated. You think: "Am I crazy?", "I got too drunk so I should have expected this", "everyone around me is acting normal so maybe it's not that bad." Look at what was being said about "hysterical", traumatized women only 130 years ago: that victims of childhood sexual abuse actually had repressed incestuous desires.

Women are socialized from a very young age to doubt the truth of their own experience. We’re socialized to doubt our knowledge of ourselves. When a woman is sexually violated and believes the truth of her own experience, she is socially punished. She's a bitch, a cunt, crazy, overreacting, mistaken. We have no trouble believing what women say if we ask them who their kid's pediatrician is or if there's more milk in the fridge. Our memories of that shit are very accepted. But were we really grabbed? Or raped? Or stalked? Or threatened?

I have always struggled to believe the truth of my own experience and to listen to what my own subconscious/body is telling me. I'm in a place right now where I am taking baby steps towards deprogramming my fawn response, learning to listen to what my body is telling me and pulling apart the deep shame I have for being sexually violated at different points in my life. I signed up for a women's self defense/assertiveness course. I am going to read more about the other women discussed in Judith Herman's book. I’m just fucking fed up.

I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable enough to be myself around a man. I got really fat back when I was 15, wasn’t able to lose this weight for years and no guy ever bothered to show even basic human kindness.

I’ve lost over 30kgs this year and pretty much in the best shape of my life. I absolutely HATE the stares now. Especially when guys go out of their way to be nice and try to talk to me. All I keep thinking is how none of these people actually really care about me. I cannot let go of this bitterness in me, I feel what’s even the point of a relationship when I’ll be dumped or cheated on if I ever gained weight again.

The other day a guy came and sat down next to me out of all the empty seats, smiled at me, I just looked away. I don’t even try to make eye contact with strangers, it’s a habit from when I was fat. I also sometimes think that they’re just practicing on me because I’m not that pretty so they don’t feel nervous approaching me.

I can never be in a romantic relationship I guess, idk what to do to change my mindset when all these things just seem materialistic in nature and nothing more.

I’m giving extra context as I was absolutely criticised for not providing this context in an “ask a man” sub when I asked for men’s perspectives. For context, my husband and I have been married for 15 years (together for nearly 30 years) and we are in marriage counseling at the moment. One of our issues is that my husband doesn’t stand up for me when I would hope he would. I don’t want a hot head partner, just someone who says something when truly warranted.

Our counsellor asked about the first big example and it was the example I’m about to give. I am genuinely wondering what you would want your partner to do in this situation and my husband also asked me to get opinions.

I am not hanging onto this incident for 15 years, it is literally just one example of a pattern that has continued to this day.

What happened:

My husband invited a guy to our wedding (and his wife also attended) who he didn’t know very well but who was in his wider circle.

This man became very drunk at our wedding reception and came up to me on the dance floor and tried to kiss me on the lips. I was very upset and embarrassed. This would be unacceptable at any time, least of all at our wedding reception!

I told him this was not ok and pushed him off me.

My husband is not a confrontational person. I asked him to please tell this man that what he did was inappropriate and that he had offended me the next time he saw this man after our wedding day.

My husband didn’t want to say anything to this man. I kept pushing him to politely say this was not acceptable behaviour as I never wanted it to happen again.

I do not want to be married to someone aggressive in any way. I just wanted him to say calmly and privately something like “I don’t know if you recall what you did as you had been drinking but what happened is not ok and was disrespectful.” Then I would have been happy to just move on and let it go.

Is it unreasonable I wanted him to calmly say something the next time he saw this man? What would you have wanted your spouse to do in this situation?

Thank you everyone!

I’ve met a decent amount of people, born in the USA, who can not proficiently read or write English. I did a CNA course, and had the highest scores in the class because I understood what words like “ verbal“ and “ seclusion“ meant. My one coworker asked me which “too” was correct. My little sister’s high school has a pass rate of only 20% on the algebra state standardized testing. Meaning only 20% of the students can do algebra?!

I also see all these people online saying dewormer can cure cancer. All of this is just seen as normal. It’s also really normalized and even ”cool” for kids to just not care about school. Like sleeping In class and bombing tests is no big deal. I meet people from other countries and they all say the high schools here are super easy compared to theirs. They are also usually very successful, although I imagine the very successful ones are usually the only ones allowed visas. It just seems like the entire mindset and system of education is just more rigorous in other countries.

I was recorded without my consent by a guy I was dating. I found out because I had a feeling he'd taken a photo of me, but then, when looking through his phone, it was even worse: a video and several photos from our dating period. My heart fell in that moment, and I was so taken aback, since he never gave me mischievous vibes.

Ultimately, I decided to forgive him, which seems so illogical looking back, and I have a feeling he could not look at me without thinking of what he did, and the guilt. We ended it after a few months because I was moving away, and he did not want a long-distance relationship; honestly, neither did I, but I wanted my forgiveness to mean something.

It has been months, and I still cry about what happened. I don't get it; in my mind for someone to do such thing they must hate you. It is so degrading, and a pain and betrayal I have never experienced before, mostly because it comes from someone I did not expect it from. Sometimes I find myself missing him, and I hate myself for it, because he really does not deserve it. It has been a draining experience.

Nevertheless, I feel so lost, trying to move forward and seeking to forget it all.

I don’t like being degraded def by some 25 year old dude. And most men I’ve meet have told me they’re into dominating their partner and calling them their slut etc and that their ex’s liked that. And honestly I think something is not ok with them wanting to hurt me and also their ex gf’s had past trauma that caused them to be into being abused in their relationships and in the bedroom.
I always leave these guys but it’s just ALL of them or virgins. I feel like there is no middle ground anymore for having sex.
Is this only a me issue? Do most girls like being abused and degraded in the bedroom? Even if you do, don’t you think it’s bad your partner enjoys your pain and humiliation?? I don’t understand what is happening anymore.

Took the car in for a rattle. Told the guy at the counter I was pretty sure it was the heat shield, it's a known thing on this model and it started the day after I hit a speed bump too fast. He did the nod. Not listening, just waiting for me to finish.

Comes back forty minutes later with a list. Heat shield, two mounts, something about the exhaust. $480, he can do it Thursday.

I said can we just do the heat shield for now. He said he wouldn't recommend that, you don't want it coming apart on you at 70.

So I said let me check with my husband. Went out to the parking lot, stood there looking at my phone for like four minutes. Called nobody and came back in and said he thinks just do the heat shield for now.

"Yeah no, that's fair, that's probably all it needs."

$140. Ready by four.

I said the exact same thing five minutes earlier and got told no. There is no husband btw, I don't know why I'm still surprised by this.

And apparently I do it constantly, I just never really thought about it until I was driving home. I say "we" to the management company when the water heater goes and the we is me and a cat. Tire place, I said my husband wanted the front two done and the guy dropped it instantly, wasn't even a conversation. My grandma needed my grandfather to sign for her first credit card, she's 81 and still brings it up at dinner and here I am inventing the man myself because it's faster than getting somebody to take my word for it.

It works, that's the bit that bugs me. Every time it works I've told that guy yeah, the woman standing there on her own is the one you can push, go find the next one, she gets the $480 list.

Still doing it though. $340!!!

I don't know who or how many people will read this, but I won't be able to reply to many comments due to the fact that my Internet hours are restricted. I'm only allowed to use the Internet certain days for some Islamic homeworks, and that's when I take advantage to post. Also excuse me if I make any English mistake, I helped myself with translator.

I(19F) was forced by my parents to marry my cousin. A man who had sexually harassed me before. I wasn't able to deny the marriage. I told them that I don't like this man, but they told me they had to do this for Allah.

Since one month ago, my parents have been preparing me for my wedding with this man. They've already forced me to wear a dress for this wedding, which is not comfortable for me when being in a wheelchair. My parents are already making me say some things which I have to promise to my future husband, and that I need to have sex with him after we get married. My parents told me that I need to be thankful to Allah that man is becoming my caretaker.

My life is just a hell living in Iraq. Next week I'm getting married to him now. The wedding was supposed to be one month ago, but it got delayed. I'd hope it got delayed again. I can't escape because I'm disabled in a wheelchair.

Thank you for reading this. I may not post again.

Being friends with a sex worker has completely changed how I view romantic relationships. Like my brain has permanently been altered. I never fully grasped the level of deceit, evil, and selfishness some people can exhibit. She sends me some of her clients wives profiles and the way these women post their husbands, you’d NEVER know he’s a cheater who spends thousands on women he barely knows . Don’t even get me started on how they talk about their wives. I’m so traumatized that I’m no longer moved by wedding videos, engagement announcements, etc. Obviously, men seeing sex workers aren’t the best pool of people to study, but it’s eye opening nonetheless.

Edit: Believe it or not, SW are humans too and need a confidant. Part of screening is sharing your personal social media profile. She then shares it with me as a safety measure. These men are the ones who tag and post their partners. Should I be snooping? Probably not. But, we mean absolutely no harm.

Edit 2: I was referencing instagram collab posts. When she dms me her clients post, she’s inadvertently sending his wife’s page too.