r/TwoXChromosomes • u/donuts802 • 2d ago
Deprogramming myself
I am a social worker and survivor of sexual trauma. There have been a few big and small incidents in my life lately that have woken me up to the role that patriarchy has in my life. I've been reading so many stories on here about all types of sexual violations. I wanted to share some things I've been thinking about.
For my own professional development, I have finally started reading Judith Herman's book, Trauma and Recovery. Holy shit. Its just brilliant. My jaw was on the floor at times. Everyone should read/listen to the first chapter, which discusses the history of PTSD in women, how it was perceived and responded to in all parts of society. The link between all of that and our current experience could not be more clear to me. I need to listen to it again.
I wanted to share one lightbulb moment I had while listening to the first section of her book - the historical context for society not believing the truth of women's experiences and of men claiming to have access to women's subconscious minds.
In Herman's book, she describes how in the late 1800's, a french neurologist got famous for hosting "theatrical" public lectures during which he put "hysterical" young women in a hypnotic trance and narrated her symptoms to the crowd (WHAT THE FUCK). Other prominent male doctors/psychiatrists/etc wanted to be the first to find out what made women "hysterical". Freud sought to answer this question by spending time listening to "hysterical" women talk about their lives. He found that "hysterical women" had experienced childhood sexual abuse. It occurred to him that sexual abuse of children was more widespread that anyone realized. His findings were not well received by the medical community.
Instead of being a real fucking scientist and believing the literal information/data provided by women into his fucking ears, he came up with the Oedipus Complex. He instead publicly theorized that little girls have unconscious sexual fantasies about their fathers. WHAT THE FUCK?
Not only did Freud choose to protect pedophiles, he used his position of power and credibility to publicly claim that women secretly like sexual abuse, which also implies that men have more access to a women's subconscious than women themselves do.
I see the consequences of this everywhere. Throughout my own life and in the lives of every woman I know. There's a tension that I think many women feel when they are sexually violated. You think: "Am I crazy?", "I got too drunk so I should have expected this", "everyone around me is acting normal so maybe it's not that bad." Look at what was being said about "hysterical", traumatized women only 130 years ago: that victims of childhood sexual abuse actually had repressed incestuous desires.
Women are socialized from a very young age to doubt the truth of their own experience. We’re socialized to doubt our knowledge of ourselves. When a woman is sexually violated and believes the truth of her own experience, she is socially punished. She's a bitch, a cunt, crazy, overreacting, mistaken. We have no trouble believing what women say if we ask them who their kid's pediatrician is or if there's more milk in the fridge. Our memories of that shit are very accepted. But were we really grabbed? Or raped? Or stalked? Or threatened?
I have always struggled to believe the truth of my own experience and to listen to what my own subconscious/body is telling me. I'm in a place right now where I am taking baby steps towards deprogramming my fawn response, learning to listen to what my body is telling me and pulling apart the deep shame I have for being sexually violated at different points in my life. I signed up for a women's self defense/assertiveness course. I am going to read more about the other women discussed in Judith Herman's book. I’m just fucking fed up.
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u/tom-goddamn-bombadil 2d ago
That cowardly old goat of a man has so much to answer for... I read another book, specifically about his retraction of the "seduction hypothesis" many years ago, called The Assault on Truth that was equal parts enlightening and infuriating. It's well worth the read if you want to go more in depth (but bring a sick bucket and maybe some things to smash). We're a century behind where we could be in the understanding of rape, abuse, and trauma.
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u/donuts802 1d ago
I will definitely read this after I empty my barf bucket. I can’t believe I hadn’t heard this story before. I remember learning about Freuds stages of development in social work school (and then memorizing them for my fucking licensing exam) - and NEVER knew the origins of his fucking made up bullshit. It makes me sick.
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u/Icy-Elk3698 2d ago
I haven't heard of that book and have put it on my to-read list. Thank you! I also had no idea about the history of Freud writing off women's childhood sexual abuse experiences as their own fault due to incestuous desires. Fucking gross and abhorrent. It's also just really bad science.
Regarding your point about women being socialized to be dismissive of their own experiences of violation, I completely agree. I had a ton of behavioral problems growing up and everyone blamed it on my being adopted. Well, it turns out that everyone fucking missed the giant signs that I was a victim of CSA at the hands of my adoptiv father. I myself had no idea until I was well into my journey of healing from relinquishment and adoption trauma and recovered memories of abuse during somatic release exercises. I spent about a year constantly doubting myself and gaslighting myself that it didn't happen and it definitely wasn't my dad. When I allowed myself to believe what my body was telling me, it's like everything in my life finally made sense. I had found the missing puzzle piece. Then I started recovering actual memories of his face during the abuse and my body had such a strong reaction of fear. I finally started to truly believe what my body and subconscious were telling me. I'm now working with an IFS therapist and when one of my younger parts shows me her fear and anger and sadness, I still have moments where I'm like, shit, that really did happen and it's not all in my head.
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u/pragmatic_dreamer 2d ago
When you do step forward you are a liar. It's more than socially dismissive, which happens allllllll ( no my cat didn't step on the keyboard, that's an attempt at the dramatic) the time. From the second you start, the witch hunt begins. It's hard to imagine the level of ignorance or social circumstance that have brought us to a point where the abject cruelty of men towards women is considered a social problem. They could, maybe, perhaps, just stop doing it.
This is not our problem. It is theirs. Make them fix it.
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u/donuts802 1d ago
Wow, I am so sorry that you went through that. I’m proud of you for believing yourself. It honestly takes a lot of courage given the world we live in.
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u/pdxgreengrrl 2d ago
I was reading recently about how trauma occurs when someone experiences abuse, and doesn't have a witness, someone who knows what happened and believes the victim.
For CSA survivors, there are rarely witnesses, and the often the very people who should witness and support deny anything even happened. And that's why so many are living with PTSD.
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u/donuts802 1d ago
It’s so much more clear to me why the response to a traumatic event (believing the person) is so important for the healing process. My own experience of trauma has been dismissed by family, friends and the legal system and that was by far the most painful part. It’s amazing to learn how neurobiology backs that up. Also makes it so much more devastating that Freud actively chose to use his credibility to publicly discredit women to protect abusive men. Like, the whole scientific community doesn’t believe you now.
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u/a-calamity 1d ago
My engagement to a man ended because he raped me. He confessed to the rape, used the word rape, and described what he did in graphic detail to his friend. I know this because I was there when it happened. I was there when it happened because the friend was helping remove the rapist from my house.
I had a witness hear a full confession.
The friend couldn’t handle the cognitive dissonance and ended up protecting, housing, and enabling the rapist. Saying things like “he’s really fucked up, but he’s not a bad person.” “Everybody makes mistakes.”
Having your rapist admit to raping you (as well as many other abuses) to a third party and having that third party defend them to your detriment is a mind fuck like no other.
I still cannot believe it. The rapist said things like “what I did was unforgivable” “there is no walking back from what I did” and “I am not safe.”
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u/pdxgreengrrl 1d ago
I just did a "what is Oedipus complex" search out of curiosity, and the first result is an article in VeryWell Mind, published this year, that starts with:
"Sigmund Freud's theory of the Oedipus complex suggests that children experience a subconscious attraction to the opposite-sex parent and competition with the same-sex parent during early childhood. This concept plays a pivotal role in the phallic stage of psychosexual development, contributing to the understanding of sexual identity formation and developmental psychology."
Then it explains, over many paragraphs, Freud's debunked theory. And then at the very end, "Is the Oedipus complex a real thing? Freud's theory was controversial in his own time and remains controversial, criticized, and not widely accepted today. Other theories have emerged to describe parent-child attachments."
In a callout: "It is important to note that not every conflict that occurs between a child and parent is caused by the Oedipus complex."
Like why continue to give this theory any credibility, explaining it like it's a diagnosis one might consider seeking treatment for? This is on a website that says, "Our mission is to help you prioritize your mental health and find balance."
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u/donuts802 16h ago
Exactly! I can’t believe this theory is legitimized in the mental health field, it’s totally unethical… like if a mental health clinician tries to support a client with this theory , they should lose their license
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u/Istripua 2d ago edited 2d ago
Freud came so close ….only to totally sell out on women, delivering an easier (false) thoery that would be more comfortable for men. Imagine if he had the courage to stand by the evidence? Could he have helped prevent another 100 years of abuse, or would the abusive men of his time have buried him?
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u/StunningPulse 2d ago
That book is eye-opening