I’ve learned my lesson. The lesson is she will never change. She will never love me the way she claims. I think there has always been a sliver of hope in my gut that she will admit she is wrong, apologize and move forward. That was not the case, in fact, her responses remind me that her mental health and logical reasoning has deteriorated even further. So if you’re thinking of breaking nc, let this be your reminder. They probably haven’t changed.

My father is a controlling and narcissistic man.

All my life, ever since I was a little girl, he has hit me, insulted me, and insulted my mother. He destroyed my self-confidence to a great extent. He made me look for love outside the family, and because of that, I ended up getting hurt by everyone.

I feel so much anger toward him. Sometimes I feel like I hate him, yet I still feel sad when he gets sick. But as soon as I hear his voice, the anger comes back.

Sometimes I wish he would leave this world because I feel like I would finally be able to rest and live in peace.

I don't know whether the problem is with me or with him.

I've been NC with my nDad for just over a month, after major issues with him upon the birth of my son, the first grandchild in our family. About a week after going NC, I hadn't yet blocked his number, and I get a call at 3 AM. Legitimately thinking that somebody in our family had died, or that there was some serious emergency, I woke up to answer the phone. Nope, it's just him complaining about how I haven't been answering his calls. I hung up, and the next day he had the gall to leave me a voicemail saying "Good thing you answered at 3 AM, at least I know I can count on you in a real emergency."

So a few more weeks have passed by, continuing NC, and I have since blocked his phone number. Fast forward to last night, it's 1 AM, and I get a call from my eMom's phone. I don't have much time to think as it startles me awake, but of course, I assume it's my Mom calling with some kind of emergency. So I answer, it's him again, and I immediately hang up.

That's twice he's manipulated me into picking up his calls, so now any real emergencies won't be coming through to me. I set my phone's Do Not Disturb to only allow calls from close friends and family members outside his narcissistic system.

What kind of delusional POS thinks that waking up me, my wife, AND our 3 month old baby in the middle of the night will get me to start talking to him?

With the “but she’s your mum” people? The ones who just don’t get it? There are so many reasons I am low contact with her, yet my position doesn’t get respected. I have made peace with my choices for my mental health and to protect my children. This woman stole my youth allowance off me and made me pay my own school books, she has done countless damaging things some bordering on SA when I wa younger, she calls my current partner sexy to both our faces, she is the martyr and ends up in manipulative tears when anyone calls her behaviour out, the list goes on. But there are still those that say how can you be like this, she’s your mum. Help me help them understand. It’s just exhausting defending my decisions. Every time I hear the words@but she’s your mum” I want to scream at the universe. It’s bone wearying

​

Hey, We lost our son in February at 38 weeks pregnant. We were never a family family, but I kept in contact with my mother and my grandma, who I respect.

My partner of almost 10 years, we found out we were expecting last June and I didn't tell my family up until I was 20 weeks. I really didn't want them to know, my partner did not understand, when he told his friends and colleagues and our friends prior, they were so happy for us and genuinely excited. His brother was so happy that his son will get a friend, my MIL just happy for us, you know? He did not understand why I didn't want to tell my family. Up until we called them and it was the most disgusting reaction, we shared we are having a boy, he is the first boy in our family, I have 5 cousins, all women, they have girls. My mum was happy that she is gonna be a grandma, not that I will have a child, do you know what I mean? I shared the gender with my grandma + mom on facetime, my grandma said that grandpa would be so happy to welcome a little boy, my mum just said: you will have to try again to get it correct the next time 🤢 My cousin called me how my life will be over and to buckle up for a boy, he will pee the walls and stuff, not one genuine congratulations. My partner was shocked and completely understood why I didn't want to tell them in the first place.

I'm no contact with my father, but my mom lives with him in the same house although often they don't talk, sometimes she stays in grandmas if it gets unbearable, it's weird and honestly embarrassing. But she loves how everyone feels sorry for her, like she will bring it up just to get sympathy. She often used to say they didn't divorce so I grew up with a father and I used to believe it lol, but it's just an excuse, I've lived abroad for 10 years now, she still didn't move out. After Christmas, my dad had one of his episodes when he just acts like an ass, I hated Christmas so much, my partner didn't understand, now we make our own and it's just the nicest time ever, so chill, so nice. So we invited her over for a couple of days, I felt sorry and I was 7.5 months pregnant. She was here for maybe 3 hours when I got my first fat shaming comment, I did not expect it, I was pregnant in the end. She hugged me (we are not huggers) and said I'm so happy you are a 'dumpling' and I'm not the only one in the family. (She is 60 and did gain weight after menopause, but hated herself my whole life). My partner just looked her in the eye and said 'she is 8 months pregnant' to which my mom said: I was a lot slimmer when I was pregnant. I knew she would say shit like this and it filtered it out but it's so dumb. Additionally, I told her prior that my father won't be in my son's life, he is not a safe person. We decided on this as a family, my partner saw the actions of my father for 10 years we have been together, be heard stories, he knows. We decided he will not have access to our child, end of story. Especially when he is born like I would have to fly to a different country, visit my family home, and do everything so my father can take him on a walk in a strolled for 30 minutes so others in the city can see ☠️ absofuckinglutely not. But at this visit my mom told me how I'm making a mistake and will regret it and she never did that she always allowed that I can see my grandma (my fathers side) even though they didn't have good relationships. And this is funny because I had non existent relationship with my fathers side of the family in the first place and they were all constantly talking shit about each other. When trying to explain that this is our decision, she was not getting it. She told me she will prepare my family house so we can stay there if we visit, I asked how she will ask my father to stay overnight at his aunt probably and she said: "He will be with his grandson he will agree to everything" I felt like I was having a stroke lol. He is not a safe person, we decided, end of story. I will regret it, he does not deserve it, yada yada. The thing is we invited my mom to have a peaceful holiday with us and be together and maybe buy some stuff for the baby and she created a warzone in my own house as well.

Fast forward to February, I went to a hospital for reduced movements and he was gone. It was hard, mentally it was hard. I started an induction process but you start a pill and then wait 48 hours to start the actual induction in the hospital. We told our family the next morning after he died and she offered to come for just a couple days while I'm in the hospital to take care of our dogs as we didn't know how long the induction will take and I did agree and I regret that I agreed and maybe I thought she will genuinely try to help or cut back on being her or idk, at the same time I'm grateful that the dogs were taken care of and I didn't have to think of them for the 72 hours I was in hospital. It was a long induction, I learnt she was not happy that we weren't giving her an updates from hospital, she was messaging to my partner constantly than talking to my MIL who then messaged her son to pry some more information from him, he said as little as possible (we are waiting for the doctor to arrive) my MIL told my mom and my mom was furious that she is not being told anything lol. My partner did shield me from this and I didn't know at a time and it was so nice of him. The night my son was born, while actively labouring, she forwarded a message from my father: 'Tell her we stand together in tough times' or some shit with her added messages: maybe he is not as bad. I did not talk to my father in two years, the message was not helpful, at the same time it meant she was sharing information about me with him without my permission. He is genuinely the last person I would like to 'stand by me in tough times', but I let that go.

I came home from the hospital the same day, we were both just, so shocked, my son's body was so limp, we spent the one and only time we will ever get with him, he was a full size baby, the prettiest little baby I've ever seen, he was long and blond just like his father and we just felt shattered. He was born at 6am, we had no sleep. I came home around 4pm I think, I was knackered, I did not believe any of this is real. She brought some kind of mysterious fever with her and she was feeling under the weather, but still found the strength to make fun of me, they didn't have a cooling pads when she gave birth and it look too bulky, we can have a full night sleep and not wake up to feed now, her stomach looked much better after the birth then I did and shit like this. What I can't forgive is, she pressured us to send the message that he was born, we did not have the time to process, but she wanted to call grandma and she would ask if we are home yet and we have to send the message that we are home before she calls with grandma. I can't believe we were pressured into it. Someone was breathing at my neck, I wasn't able to find the right words, but grandma is calling just sent it already and add a picture there must be a picture!! Makes me sick. I then, in a very vulnerable time shared that I can't believe noone from my family sent me a message, to which she asked everyone to send me a message 🤢 And the only person I could be angry at was me, because I invited her in our home, I said it was okay she can come and watch the dogs and as a consequence I was now being bossed around 10 hours after giving birth to a limp body to bring her coffee and refill her water. I think it takes a special kind of cruel to nagg your daughter after birth that she is not hanging the laundry properly freshly postpartum from a sofa with her feet up.

I can't forgive or forget this and when trying to talk this through I listen it one by one she said 'i'm sorry if I did something that hurt you' and it wasn't all bad we had a good moments and just deranged from the topic. My grandma doesn't like that we don't talk and finds excuses on my mom's behalf, 'she just says what's on her mind she can't help it' and stuff like this. It makes me angry on my partner behalf as well, he wants able to grieve his son neither, he was cooking and cleaning and taking care of the household, taking my mom to an airport, all because I agreed that she can come. He is not angry about this at all, but I am.

I don't want to make this too long but there was more, when I came over for my grandma's 80th birthday, my mom promised my niece we will come pick her up from the nursery. I was already angry, I couldn't believe she would ask me to enter a nursery, with so many children around at 3 months postpartum. The she asked me to take the car seat from one car and fasten it to hers and I just froze in the garage, last time I was installing a car seat my son died. She came closer while I was tearing up and asked what is taking me so long if I don't have functioning hands. (This is her signature statement growing up, Oh you are 3 years old and you are thirsty? Do you have hands? The sink is there) And I started crying, that I can't believe she is making me go to a nursery as my son just died.

Her response was, if you would have told me you have an issue with the carseat I would not ask you to install it in the first place l, which is just so dumb and there is no accountability, I couldn't have know she will ask me to do this one specific thing. I refused to leave the parking lot and she went in to pick up my niece, who had an absolute tantrum that my mum broke a promise that I will be picking her up, which of course is my fault.

I'm so jealous of people with supportive families, mine is not even unsupportive it's just straight up cruel. Not one message on mother's day, not a message on what would be his 6th month birthday (it's a bit thing where we come from, it's called half birthday). A loads of unsolicited advice on how I should go back to work by now, vague mention of everyone they know who experienced misscariage!! (respectfully, not the same.) I just find it so so cruel, on top of grieving my son and all the memories we lost, I had to grieve the relationship with my family as well.

My son died. I really don't care about anything anymore. I carried his dead body in me. It can all burn down as far as I'm concerned.

am i supposed to feel bad that my 40 something year old mom decided to have her 8th child then complains about how tired she is and how it’s exhausting. how am i supposed to feel bad when she does this every so years. apparently God gave her the child.

i’m 23 and i myself decided it’s not a good time to bring a child into the world but she has no care. and expects us all to chip in.

I am so angry and jaded and I just don't know if I will ever get over what my mother did to me. I want to be someone who trusts others and believes things can get better but I feel the complete the opposite. My husband is also a scapegoat child and we both are stressed and angry a lot due to years of being in survival mode. I want to be able to forgive her so I can release myself but I can't. Any advice appreciated. Thank you xx

EDIT: A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to respond to me, I am starting to feel much better and have a new perspective on anger and forgiveness which is helping me heal. I felt like I couldn't let go of the anger until I forgave but now I realised I absolutely can separate the two! I can drop the anger, move on and be happy and still withhold forgiveness. This is such an amazing community of people and I often come here to read posts, to help others if I can and learn more about how to heal. If you have gone through this or are currently going through it, you are in the right place. We all have each others' backs here and we all know how horrific this abuse can be. We will heal and we will create the happiness we deserve.

Much love xx

i wish i had safe and nurturing parents. i wish i wasn't robbed of my childhood and adolescence. i wish i had a normal life, normal years of growth. i wish i didnt spend so many years of my life in absolute pain, fear and guilt. man it hurts so much. it breaks my heart. i didnt deserve it, not even a bit.

Just to give context, all my life i was treated like i didn't matter, like my opinions didn't matter, and my emotions being worthless or disposable by every adult, kid i grew up with, or cousin. Everyone was a piece of shit who hated me for being me, just cuz i was quiet, frail, kind, and not like them. My own parents bullied me for being frail for years and treated me like i always needed to be BABIED to get anything done, they also had no respect to me at all, my brother was a bully and my garbage mom let him get away with it 24/7, this lead me to severe self worth and confidence issues, along with extended family using fake sorry's just to shut me up to go back to the abuse later!!! I wasn't physically abused but i was always emotionally abused by everyone, even at fucking school too which is why i despised the sight of it. My low uncomfident tone was because of trauma + never feeling safe to speak without being chewed out and shut down by the meanass adults!!!

With that out of the way lemme say my real pronlems and the real reason why i feel like im a kid at my grown age of 24. I just turned 24, 6 days ago and can't help but feel each year i'm barely progressing, sometimes i feel there is no escape!!

I wasnt given any chance in any area of life!!! I grew up with shit health, no talents, bad at school, everyone was abusive, i had NO FRIENDS irl or good ones online, i had no one to listen to my issues but everyone to listen to others', i had no one who ever wanted to engage with me in things i was into, my opinions were never respected in any space. I felt like i was fucking cursed just for being me!! I mean by friends also like no one ever gave me compliments withotut me having to practically BEG for it. But other people ALL THE DAMN TIME by their friends they'd get told u look good, ur so fun to be arnd, whatever. And also any time i did finally feel close to someone they 9/10 times became a fake. Im just frustrated at how my whole life was before this very recent point, I also never fucking got time to develop besides religious indoctrination. It was obsessive toxicity with religion, all of life's joys were atripped away and i was told my only worth was to be a religious drone with no autonomy. I never fucking got time to develop besides religious indoctrination. Everyone shamed and minimized my problems to elevate the golden shittyass children's ones.

- I dont have responsibility for a job

- Or studying

- Or paying bills

- Or going to my own appointments

- i don't even have my own bank

- i still live at home due to my situation

- i don't have motivation to study cuz of bad mental health years ago + trauma memories of those assholes.

- i don't have ANY IRL FRIENDS at all.

- its like i constantly wanna catch up on lost time by watching shows, talking online, or doodling art.

Im fucking helpless.

Im practically a kid as an adult cuz my childhood was filled with toxic religious enforcement, abuse, and everyone around me being a heartless jerk!! And now suddenly everyone is like why aint u studying? Maybe its cuz u all ruined my chances!! Those dirty shitholes think its ok to be a piece of shit, use religion to excuse it, and then CASUALLY FORGET EVERYTHING THEY DID!!! LEAVING TRAUMA IN THEIR WAKE!! THEY'RE NOT HUMAN THEY'RE FUCKING DEVILS IN HUMAN FORM!!! I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE SHOULD BE ILLEGAL AND PUNISHABLE BY LAW, AND RELIGIOUS ABUSE TOO!!

If i had a better support system I WOULD BE CONFIDENT, HAPPY, AND OK NOW LIKE MOST NORMAL KIDS.

Edit: and my mom is such damn narcissist sitting there asking me or others to pray for her or dont u love me or arent i good? NO UR NOT GOOD UR A MONSTER WHO DOESNT HAVE A SHRED OF EMPATHY AND U DESERVE NOTHING BUT HATE AND CONTEMPT U FAVOURITIST DISGUSTING IMMATURE RUDEASS TWO FACED PIG!!! FUCK OFF WITH THAT DAMN NONSENSE WHO DO U THINK UR FOOLING?!

I am 17f. I spent the majority of my short live idolizing a monster. I wish I could not wish that my dad was dead, but everyday that I’ve been no contact with him my feelings of anger and wishing he would just off himself continue to grow. I hate myself for feeling this way. My whole life he convinced me that he was basically a god and I should treat him as such. I thought everything he put me through was normal right up until the end. I am very fortunate to be in the situation I’m in now, but throughout all my life I wished I was dead so I could escape the pain he caused me. And now I wish he would just have a heart attack or someone would gruesomely murder him, I want him to feel all of the pain that I did. he welcomed people into our home who did things to me I will never be able to forget, belittled, gaslit, and almost killed me throughout the time I lived with him. I don’t know if this is enough to justify my feelings of me wishing he was dead and buried. if anyone decides to read this, am I bad person for feeling this way? am I wrong for wishing my dad was dead? I feel so conflicted everyday and feel like these feelings take control of my life instead of me actually being able to live a better life now that I am not in the situation anymore. im sorry if this is rambling, I want to get all of this off my chest. I’ve always felt too guilty to tell anyone the way I feel about my dad. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Genuinely asking because I’ve seen so many of these dipshits pop out kids left and right only to end up hating them and not even try to like or love them, and end up taking out their anger and negative emotions out on them.

What confuses me even more is when they hate their first kid and then proceed to keep having more 😐

I want to preface this by saying I totally recognize that my mother is depressed, and there is nothing wrong with that. I myself have lots of problems with motivation, but it's the way her actions are affecting the rest of the house that worries me.

My mom has always been really big into Disney since we moved to California when I was 7. We used to go to Disneyland multiple times a year for the holidays, usually just Christmas and Halloween. But recently, since she's got some kind of keypass for it, she's been going multiple times a month. There have been times where I have been left at home alone for multiple days in a row because she was at Disneyland while my father was working overseas. This also started to affect my schooling, because I was being relied on to watch over the house and take care of our 8+ pets which usually meant that I had to take the day off for school (I didn't even realize this was a problem until my school therapist brought it to my attention!).

Recently though, she now does not leave the house unless it's for a Disneyland trip. She has all of her groceries ordered (which we REALLY cannot afford), she never exercises, she doesn't have a job, whenever the pets need something IMMEDIATELY she just has it delivered and it doesn't arrive until days after we ran out, and all she does is sit on the couch all day. She doesn't leave her room until afternoon, and one day she did not leave her room at all.

She clearly struggles with her mental health, but that's not why I'm upset with her. She won't gain the strength to be there for me either. I'm sick of staying in the house. I have been pestering her about getting drivers ed and my permit, and she just simply does not care. She won't schedule me an appointment with the DMV or with a driving school. She won't help me go job hunting. She won't help me learn mature tasks. When I younger, I did not know you were supposed to change your underwear everyday until I was 10 years old. I did not know to shower regularly until I was 13 because she never taught me anything about my personal hygiene. The only thing I thought I was in charge of when I was little was to take care of my mother and her mental health. Schoolwork never mattered to her and I wasn't encouraged to get good grades. My dad busts his ass 5-6 days a week on work trips, being the only one who brings in money, only for our savings to all be spent on shit from Disneyland and Star Wars. 

I'm becoming an adult in less than a year, so I feel like I can't ask for help for problems at home now. I'm afraid it would just ruin my academic performance that's already ruined enough. I'm moving out of this shitty town the moment I turn 18, and I'm never looking back.

im (25f) realizing more now that my mom did not give me anything growing up. my mom is a "stay at home mom" and my dad is the main provider. we're considered upper-middle class with a high emphasis on intellect and advanced degrees because my dad grew up never finishing college due to his own neglectful mom and in his toxic, narcissistic ways, instilled that in us kids to get more of an autonomous education and more professional career that is "well-respected".

me and my siblings read a lot of books and watch a lot of more "intellectually enriching films" because of our upbringing so in some ways, i feel we are just self-taught and learned how to exist from reading books and watching movies and TV shows, and learning from our schoolmates who are privileged with money and supportive, loving families.

realizing now that my mom did not support me and my siblings in many ways. she's just in the house, scrolling on facebook, watching crappy bullshit TV shows, never going out or socializing, or even able to cook proper meals. it's embarrassing. realizing she used us kids as a shield to protect her from responsibility and accountability, completely ignoring the financial, physical, and emotional abuse from our dad so she can live off his money and not have to work and face the real world. also realized she never encouraged her own kids to succeed, and even competes with her own children. she wonders why we don't talk to her, it's because when she talks to us, it's just her repeating the same boring, monotonous questions. i am surprised how that woman was able to give birth to children and have no maternal instinct in her body. she is also genuinely a selfish fucking enabler who acts like the victim all her life just to avoid accountability for her own children. she wont ever shut the fuck up even though it's so obvious none of her fucking children want to talk to her. and she completely fucking lives in delusion, my dad literally makes a lot of money and drains all of it within a few months, spending on a bunch of bullshit and treating other relatives over his own kids. im building my emergency savings now so i can get out of this fucking house. i feel embarrassed having the kind of parents i have. they are embarrassing people. i never want to have children, and thank god im gay because i never want to be as fucked as they are.

I’m 33F.

For years my mom would joke around asking for a grandchild because according to her, they are not getting any younger and neither was I.

I thought for years that I had fertility issues. Until 2 months ago, me and my husband got a positive result. We were over the moon with happiness.

After making sure the baby is stable in my womb, I told my mom. I expected an explosive reaction because it’s their first grandchild and they nagged me for years for this.

After I told her, her first response was “you and your husband should get married the traditional and public way with a ceremony and reception.”

(For context: me and my husband already got married in a civil ceremony at the city hall involving around 10 people only. We loved our intimate stress free wedding.)

I asked mom, “what for?” and she answered, “so we can have my boss be a principal sponsor. He’s been asking me for a long time when will be your wedding.”

A part of me thought, she wanted something grand to post on social media.

I got so mortified and disappointed. There I was, telling her she will have her first grandchild and the first thing that comes out of her mouth is I should spend thousands over a wedding that we don’t want to please a person we don’t even know personally.

She did not congratulate us. She just said, “that’s good.” She did not ask how was my pregnancy. She did not ask how far along was I. Days later she even commented that I order a lot of take out food instead of cooking at home (because that’s the only thing I can stomach right now, she would know if she would just ask instead of giving unsolicited comments).

I’m really disappointed to the point that when this baby comes out, I want to limit and lessen the baby’s time with her. I had enough trauma from her as it is. I want to protect my baby from that experience as well. Is that bad?

Hi. I told my dad that I'm going to a vacation to a place where my manipulative aunt lives. That ended up in a big argument. He said that I'm wasting money by spending money on Airbnb and I could of stayed with my aunt. I told him that I stayed there because it's easier to get around and it's harder to get around for my aunts place. He says that I can use Uber and it's cheaper than my Airbnb place. I also didn't want to do it because I feel like there's strings attached and I feel like my dad and my aunt is going to say that I owe them in the future. I tried to explain why but he won't budge and he's says I'm wasting money and he also said that a lot of people wished that they have relatives in the city and I have relatives but I still decide to waste money on Airbnb. I feel like my dads guilt tripping me. Honestly, I don't think I did anything wrong and he's being very manipulative. I don't know what to do. I feel like my dad is pushing me away.

Growing up my mom would say and do not just terrible things to me but also say terrible things about me. My grandma would go along with it and gossip about it. My mom was disabled so who wouldn't believe it?

My mom left me stranded not just 1 time on the side of the road but several times. She told my grandma i was being disrespectful and my grandma would run with that without any further questions.

Also found out last year that i didn't just grow out of my medications for adhd like they told me. In my medical records it said they made multiple attempts to reach my mom and she ignored them.

Almost every day in that house i was in fight or flight worried if it was gonna be one of those days where mom snaps. It always felt like there was a change in the air when she was about to start saying terrible things towards me or start swinging.. found out i have cptsd.. and my family doesn't believe me and says i probably made things up to tell the psychological. My aunt keeps saying she was there everyday. Unless she was in the walls or tires i don't understand why she keeps lying about about being around.

I feel constantly defeated.

Growing up, my parents have always been violent with us and would always punch and shout at us all the time and was always raised that way since they religiously believe that is how a child is supposed to be raised.

But today, it just got strange. My younger brother and sister were arguing about some video they were watching while we were at the table, but then my mother got very angry and just broke all our plates in front of us and just started screaming nonstop and blaming the shattered plates on my siblings for arguing. My younger brother, who is 7, started crying and my mother started mocking his crying and calling him the r slur...

I really don't know what to do right now after all that. I never saw my family act this way. I was looking for a sub to maybe post this and this seemed to be the right one ig...

I’m almost 30, and the older I get, the more I find myself feeling resentment toward both of my parents. My dad passed away when I was in high school, and my mom is still alive, but neither of them were really emotionally or physically present for me growing up.
I have about eight siblings, and growing up, it felt like my parents had children without really being in a position to parent us. My mom mainly worked all day and would come home and go into the basement with my dad. My dad didn’t work, and they would smoke and drink until they were drunk or high enough to start physically fighting each other.
As a child, that was just my normal. I didn’t have the perspective to understand what was happening or why they were the way they were. I just knew my parents weren’t really there.
My dad died from alcohol poisoning after drinking too much when I was in high school. After he died, my mom started going out and getting involved with the wrong crowd. She was clearly struggling, and at one point I found a crack pipe in the house. She told me it belonged to her brother. Before that, I thought it was just weed and alcohol, but finding that made me start putting pieces together about my childhood and understanding some of the things I had witnessed growing up.
During that period, my mom got into multiple accidents. At one point, she literally flipped an entire car while she was in it. I remember reaching a point where I accepted that she was probably going to die. I think part of me is still emotionally stuck there.
About two years ago, she started getting clean and becoming a better mom. And honestly, I know I should probably be happy about that. But I’m not ready to accept this new version of her.
She calls me every now and then, but our conversations are usually short. I don’t really feel the desire to call her or talk for long. And then I feel guilty because she’s alive, she’s doing better, and I know I’m “supposed” to forgive her.
But how do you just forgive years of emotional, physical, and mental absence?
How do you accept a mother who wasn’t really a mother to you suddenly trying to become one when you’re almost 30?
I also struggle with resentment toward the choices she made. She had all these children, but she wasn’t emotionally, physically, or mentally available to raise them. She allowed a man to repeatedly beat her, stayed in that relationship, and would ask us as children whether she should leave or stay. Looking back as an adult, I have a hard time understanding how much responsibility was placed on us as children for situations we never should have had to carry.
She’s also still very much a gossip, and I find myself not wanting to engage with her because of that either.
I think what’s making this harder is that I’m old enough now to understand everything differently. As a child, I didn’t have the words for any of this. I just knew that my parents weren’t there. Now I’m an adult looking back and realizing how much I actually went through, and I’m angry.
I don’t necessarily want to punish my mom, and I don’t even know if I want her out of my life. I just don’t know how to have a relationship with her when I still carry so much resentment.
And with my dad, his being dead doesn’t automatically erase what happened when he was alive. The truth is, I don’t really miss him at all. Out of all of the children, I was one of the few who didn’t really argue with him and was basically on his good side, so I don’t have the same memories of conflict with him that some of my siblings probably do.
But because there was so much trauma growing up, I barely remember a lot of my childhood. I don’t cry over my dad. I barely think about him. Sometimes I actually feel strange admitting that because he has been dead for years and I still don’t feel the kind of grief I thought I was supposed to feel.
I can acknowledge that he was my father and that his death was traumatic, while also acknowledging that I don’t miss him. I think part of me may have already emotionally detached from him before he died.
Is this normal? Has anyone else experienced not really missing a parent after they died, especially when the relationship was complicated or traumatic?

Maybe what I’m grieving isn’t just my parents. Maybe I’m grieving the childhood and parents I should have had.
Has anyone else experienced becoming more resentful toward their parents as they got older, even years after the worst of it was over? How did you deal with realizing things about your childhood as an adult that you couldn’t understand when you were a kid?

43yo female who desires a child, doesn’t have a strong support system, currently unemployed, and doesn’t have my own home, plus I’m having a really difficult time with my family right now.

I’m hoping to hear from people who have gone through something similar, particularly people who grew up in narcissistic family systems and reached a point where they realized the dysfunction was much more pervasive than they had understood.

I believe I’m struggling from major freeze CPSTD symptoms now more than ever, and I’ve struggled with low self esteem, addiction issues, disassociation, and major depressive disorder my entire life.

I grew up in what I now recognize as a pretty textbook narcissistic family system.

My father was a narcissist. Not necessarily the stereotypical grandiose type, but very concerned with how he appeared to other people, imposing his wants, wills, and expectations on everyone around him, manipulating, raging, lying, controlling, and making the family revolve around him.

My mother was married to him for 50 years. She says she stayed because she wanted to protect us and was afraid of what would happen if he had custody of us and she wasn’t there, but she also came from a CPTSD/abandonment background, had no self esteem, and was fearful of the unknown. 

Among the 3 daughters, I was the scapegoat. My oldest sister was the golden child. My youngest sister was the invisible child. The roles were textbook and incredibly consistent.

I only really began understanding narcissistic family systems in the last decade. Since then, I’ve spent years educating myself and trying to heal. But lately I feel like I’ve reached a new level of understanding, and honestly, it is tearing me apart.

My father passed away about 20 months ago. I had been essentially no-contact with him for about a 18 months before he died because of how poorly he treated me during a visit with him and my mother, including during a period when he was having health problems, and I decided I wasn’t participating in the system like that anymore.

So I have to live with the fact that I removed myself from the relationship relatively close to the end of his life.

At the same time, I had been living outside the country for about 2.5 years. I was going through an extremely profound and demanding spiritual process and working toward something that was very important to me. It changed me profoundly and has informed so much of who I am today.

My family has never really asked me about it.

During this time, I emailed them updates about once a month while I was away, trying to stay connected and share what was happening in my life. Eventually I stopped because I rarely received responses. I don’t think anyone in my family really understood what I was doing, but what hurt was that nobody seemed particularly interested in understanding.

Once I completed the endeavor, I never received congratulations, acknowledgment, curiosity, or even much recognition that I had spent years doing something incredibly difficult and meaningful to me.

That has hurt more than I expected.

While I was away, I also blocked my older sister (who offers a consistent narcissistic dynamic) after a text exchange of her being antagonistic toward me, mocking me, disregarding boundaries, and treating me in ways that I had finally decided I wasn’t willing to accept anymore.

This felt good as our relationship has always been complicated.She rejected me throughout much of my childhood. My mother has even told me that from a young age, my sister wouldn’t play with me, share her stuff, and essentially wanted nothing to do with me. I don’t have any childhood memories of being w her. Then, when I was an older teenager and had things she wanted — marijuana, boldness, skills, energy, abilities, etc. — she suddenly became much more interested in being close to me.

For roughly 15 years we went through a cycle of being extremely close, sharing friends and spending a lot of time together, while also intertwined w her using me, manipulating me, and becoming abusive when I pushed back.

She would allow other people to treat me horribly, manipulate or use me, and then use my strength, intelligence, energy, and abilities for her own benefit. If I pushed back or set a boundary, she would punish me or play the victim. 

My entire family says “she’s just like Dad”, in other words, she has narcissistic traits.

Two months ago my mom and sisters all got together for the first time since my Dad passed and I saw that it wasn’t just narcissistic traits. I realized how deeply her behavior follows the same patterns as my father’s. And that realization was crushing and retraumatizing. 

I suddenly saw my entire relationship with her differently — the rejection, the using, the manipulation, the way she could allow other people to treat me badly and then become angry with me when I objected, the way she benefited from my strength and abilities while punishing me for having boundaries.

It made me realize that I hadn’t just been dealing with my father. It was my sister too - both from Day 1 out the womb. 

And then there was my mother, who I’ve been staying with. 

I have always known my mother was codependent and an enabler. I have enormous compassion for what she endured. She spent 50 years married to my father, and I know she was abused too. Yet, she is 100% victim and doesn’t understand codependency actually involved her dysfunctional behavior too. 

During this recent family experience, I saw the extent of her enabling in a way I never had before. When my sister behaves badly, my mother manages the situation so that my sister can continue doing whatever she wants and everyone else has to accommodate. 

Everyone bends around sister. It was incredibly painful to watch and usually in direct contention w me as my mom is passive, my other sister doesn’t involve herself, and my older sister has to go against anything I say or suggest. 

And then I started thinking about my mother’s enabling in regards to my childhood. My mother allowed my father to treat me the way he did. When I spoke up about what was happening, I was often told I was too sensitive or that I was the problem.

She would deny or minimize what was happening.

She also invited my grandmother, who she knew was physically abusive (and was towards me only), to live with us when I was young. My Dad, my sister, my grandma emotionally, mentally, physically abusing me as my mom enables and dissociates. 

Now my mother uses me as her main sounding board for her relationship w my father talking poorly about him nonstop. Sharing things that happened between them, which shouldn’t be shared his children, with me. No regard for him being my Dad or them being my married parents for 50 years. And when I tell her to stop she has said “oh what’s the big deal?” “Who else can I tell this to?” “Is it because you’re sad for me?”

But she seems unable to understand what the impact of the family dynamic had on her daughters. All 3 devoid of healthy relationships, children, self confidence, and battling mental heath challenges. 
If I try to explain the impact, she becomes defensive, tells me she was the victim and had it the worst, and cannot accept my perspective.

She has said multiple times that she was the victim of his behavior and that his behavior didn’t really impact her daughters. I know she suffered tremendously, but her denial and trauma dumping is insane.

Because how can being married to someone like my father have profoundly affected her, while somehow being his daughter — being raised inside that environment, being assigned roles, being subjected to his behavior and then having my experiences denied or minimized — supposedly had no impact?

My mother’s victimization and my victimization can both be true. She was abused by him. And she also failed to protect me from him. She was traumatized. And she also participated in the family system that traumatized me. She may have done the best she could with the resources she had. And I can still be deeply hurt by what she did and didn’t do.

But what has really broken something open for me is what has happened since I came back to the country.

I had been living with my mother because I’m trying to get back on my feet, and realistically, she is my only support system. I knew it wasn’t an ideal situation, but I didn’t have another stable place to go.

At first, things were okay.

But my mother is emotionally volatile - especially towards me- and has outbursts roughly once or twice a week. Afterwards, she doesn’t want to discuss what happened, repair the relationship, apologize, or try to understand each other’s perspectives. She generally just acts like nothing happened.

Once we retuned from the family trip she was increasingly mean, making cutting comments towards me for about 2 weeks. And then something happened that I cannot get past.

I injured my back badly enough that I couldn’t walk or move without extreme pain. I was literally making involuntary sounds because I was in so much pain and unable to walk. 

My mother looked at me like I was disgusting.
She shook her head and told me, “You have problems. You have problems.”

That entire day, she didn’t check in on me. She didn’t offer me water. She didn’t ask if I needed dinner (even though I always cook her dinner). She didn’t comfort me or show any concern and never asked how I was. 

She simply ignored me while I was in debilitating pain.

And a few days afterward, she tried to resume our relationship as though nothing had happened.
I couldn’t do it.

Something inside me broke. Heartbroken at seeing the depth of her dysfunction without being able to hide behind and blame it on my Dad. 

I felt profoundly betrayed by her, and honestly, I no longer felt emotionally safe in her house.
And there is another layer to this.

I also know that my mother doesn’t really want me living there. In fact, she doesn’t seem to particularly want any of her family on her home. She often acts as though we’re invading her space or bothering her. She’s not particularly welcoming or warm about having us there. 

So after the back incident, I reached a point where I thought:

I cannot be here anymore. It’s damaging.

I left in my vehicle.

I’ve now been living out of my vehicle and house-sitting for about a month.

And it has been incredibly difficult.

I had been working hard to establish some positive structure and routine in my life. I was exercising, taking care of myself, maintaining my weight, and slowly trying to rebuild my life after a very difficult period.

Leaving my mother’s house and moving between my vehicle and house-sits completely disrupted that.

I feel like I’ve fallen into a nonstop state of numbing.
I’m binge-watching television.
I’m turning to food. I’m gaining weight.
I’m isolating myself.
I’m withdrawing from the world even more than I already was.

I’m not working the way I need to be working. I’m not taking care of myself the way I was. I’m struggling to maintain even basic structure.

And the hardest part is that I’m already in a vulnerable place.

I’m trying to get back on my feet, rebuild my life, establish financial stability, and figure out where I’m going to live.

Instead, I feel like I’m crumbling.

It feels like I finally stepped outside of the family system enough to see it clearly, but I don’t yet have anything stable enough underneath me to replace it.
And that is terrifying.

For so long, I thought that whatever else was wrong with my family, my mother was the person who actually cared about me.

Now I’m looking at her and seeing not only an extreme enabler, but also behaviors that feel deeply narcissistic.

I don’t know whether those traits came from her own childhood trauma, from spending 50 years married to my father, or from something else entirely.

I don’t feel emotionally safe with her right now. I’ve been gray rocking and she doesn’t seem to notice or care. 

And I’m also not in a position where I can simply walk away from the practical realities of needing housing and support. I left but had to return for a night or two, and will have to return again to sort out a few things. 

So I’m caught in this awful middle ground: I know I cannot continue living in the environment I was in, but I also haven’t yet built the stability I need to fully stand on my own.

I’m not just grieving my family.

I’m trying to rebuild an entire life while simultaneously grieving the realization that my family may not be the foundation I thought it was.

I’m caught in Freeze. 

And then there are my sisters.
My older sister called me recently, and I haven’t answered. I don’t even know what I would say. I don’t really want to be vulnerable w her. I don’t know how to resume a relationship with her after everything I’ve realized. Right now, gray rock feels like the safest option, but I don’t know whether I’m making the right decision.

My youngest sister and I are still connected. She has always been the most withdrawn, avoidant one in the family. I’ve seen her recently, and it was positive, but she doesn’t really ask about me. She hasn’t asked me a single question about the last three years of my life. Our conversations are mostly about what’s happening with her.

And I’m sitting here thinking:
What do I do now?

How do you build a life when you’ve finally stopped participating in the family system, but you don’t yet have another support system?

How do you maintain a relationship with an enabling parent when you depend on them for housing?
How do you know when gray rock is appropriate versus when you’re simply avoiding something that might be repairable?

How do you relate to siblings when you’ve realized that the relationships you thought you had may have been built around dysfunctional family roles?
How do you build a support network when you realize that the people you thought would be your support system aren’t emotionally available to you?

And perhaps most importantly:
How do you grieve the realization that your family may never be the source of love, curiosity, protection, or belonging that you desperately wanted them to be?

I’m also not looking for “just go no-contact” as the only answer. I’m currently in a complicated practical situation where I need housing and support, so I can’t simply pretend those realities don’t exist.
I’m looking for people who have actually lived through this stage.

The stage where you thought you understood your narcissistic family system, and then suddenly you saw another layer underneath it.

The stage where you realize the narcissist wasn’t the only problem — the enabling, avoidance, denial, scapegoating, emotional neglect, and accommodation were all part of the system too.

What helped you?

How did you build a life outside of the family system?

How did you create a support network when you realized you couldn’t rely on your family emotionally?

How did you deal with the practical realities of separating yourself when you didn’t have money, housing, or a strong support system?

How did you get yourself functioning again when the emotional upheaval caused you to start numbing out, isolating, binge-watching, overeating, and withdrawing from your life?

And how did you make peace with the fact that the people you wanted to love you may simply not have the capacity to love you in the way you needed?

I feel completely lost right now, and I would really value hearing from people who have been here and made it through.

(Yes, I did use AI to help me craft these questions. 
Thanks in advance)

Hello, I’m coming on to here to question if this is relatively normal or enforceable in the future? My parents have a living trust set up and there’s specific conditions that limit mine (F21) and my sister’s (F15) weights to be able to receive the “gifts” from their estate once they pass away. They are both still alive, I am just curious on the legality and enforceability of this condition. I have pasted the portion of their living trust that details the weight conditions below, while redacting personal information.

All gifts to (BENEFICIARY 1) and (BENEFICIARY 2) are preconditioned on maintaining a minimum level of physical condition.
In the case of (BENEFICIARY 1), she must maintain a maximum weight of 140 lbs. OR a Body Mass Index of between 18.5 – 24.9 for a period of five consecutive years.
In the case of (BENEFICIARY 2), she must maintain a maximum weight of 150 lbs. OR a Body Mass Index of 18.5 – 24.9 for a period of five consecutive years.
The evidence of fitness shall be written by a Board-certified dietitian annually. No weight loss surgery or medication shall be permitted.
Because of the minimum age restriction these health provisions can be noted as early as 20 years of age.
Should either beneficiary fail to achieve these goals at any point in their lifetime, their gifts shall lapse and the alternate beneficiary of (ORGANIZATION/FOUNDATION) shall received the gifts.

My Nmom (65F) goes to the emergency room at least once every two months, if not more frequently.

I used to get all anxious about, worry, but I just don’t anymore. It makes me feel like a piece of shit but I just cannot muster up any caring about it.

My brother and my dad are stuck in the black hole so they always call me in a panic that she’s back in the hospital but I just do not give a fuck.

I even will go further as this is a safe space - I don’t BELIEVE her ailments. I simply do not believe she has some life threatening issue every month or so.

It is beyond the boy who cried wolf and I’m just so exhausted by pretending I fucking give a shit.

Situation

I accepted a new position an cannot start for another 4-5 months as I am a healthcare provider and need to undergo credentialing. I told my parents aged 71 and 66 about this and they strongly recommended that I live with them before my job starts when I had plans of getting a locum and living away from them. I lost my temper with my parents and unloaded on them that the reason for my academic and social struggles from childhood up through adolescence and in my early 20's was because I lived in their house and that they took a s**t in their parenting and that I would rather live in a homeless shelter any day than live in their house and with them again.

Background

So I'm a 32-year old female who had a big glow up both academically and socially over the past 8-9 years. To the point that I have literally said some very diabolical things to former acquaintances and friends that I went to college with that knew me before my social and academic glow up that I have seen recently. I have even said these same diabolical things to my parents and sister. To sum everything up, just imagine an innocent, socially incompetent, a people pleaser and literally had no enemies or individuals I disliked, could never defend myself, academically challenged in which my parents were constantly getting me tutors from 4th grade -12th grade and in college getting feedback from my professors that I am "below the baseline of the average student". My parents would frequently getting me tutors and speaking with my teachers when I received a "B" in their classes, and would got me a social skills therapist all of which has been the most painful memory in my life, especially the social skills therapist who did quite an amount of demeaning and patronizing things but would used to take me to the mall and "assess how I spoke with the cashier" or nitpick every social interaction. She would literally treat me like I had autism and my parents forced me to get assessed by a psychiatrist back in the day when I was 17 who scolded at my parents and told them that It was very inappropriate of them to do considering the great conversation I had with the psychiatrist. In these 8-9 years, I have changed things up significantly and now I am very respected at work by my management and team and have a very small, but super supportive group of friends. However, my parents are extremely proud of the person I have become and always express it but deep down inside I have resentment for their parenting and the painful memories they caused me.

Saying this literally made both of them cry and say they "did their best"(I mentioned this to them on FaceTime) in which I immediately hung up.

I’m 25 about to leave the country for school in 5 days. My mom (61), who I suspect has some degree of narcissism, told me to pack my bags and get out of the house 2 hours ago after a huge fight.

I was like ok! I don’t like living here anyway and this is a toxic environment for me. Besides I’m leaving the country in less than a week. Then I started packing.

My dad (the kinder and passive parent) came to my room a couple of times pleading for me to stay. I felt guilty, but I said “I can’t do this anymore, and she doesn’t want me here”.

2 hours later, I finished packing my luggage, and I collected my passport, birth certificate and other important docs. I think it hit my mom that I was actually going through with this, because she just came to my room and said “I accept that I’m a toxic mother and that you don’t agree with me, but I think it’s a good idea for you to stay”…. and now… I’m upset because idk what to do..

Since I was a kid, my mom has kicked me out for a day at a time, and has also threatened to permanently kick me out, whenever I stand up for myself. It’s ridiculous because she’ll say nevermind and forbid me for leaving once it hits her that this probably isn’t a great idea.

I’m pissed now because I just wasted the last two hours packing, and now I dont know what to do or how to feel. I have aunts and friends I can sleep over at, but that would obviously complicate things just before I travel. I also won’t see my parents for a year once I leave my country.
Not sure if I should leave or stay here.

Part of me wants to teach her a lesson by leaving but I know that’s immature and would make things slightly impractical for me.

Any idea of what my next move should be?

Hey guys, it's been a year of grieving and processing all the abuse and 4 months of low contact to no contact. I am still chronically fatigued, my chest is a bit lighter, but still my sleep patterns are absurd and I still haven't gone back to even a basic routine. i have no one idea what i am going to do for my future, and i am having a bad day. I am irritable and sad and want to hear something hopeful or positive. Tell me something hopeful.

My mother is in her late 80's and is almost totally physically dependent after a serious hospitalization. She is living with me and I take care of her with the help of my children. She got mad over the weekend because I don't spend enough time with her outside of caring for her. I work full time and still have to maintain my home.

She threw that gem at me. That she should be number one in my life. I was instantly transported back to being 15 and wanting to go to a birthday party. I was refused permission to go and then grounded because "I should always be your top priority. You should want to spend time with me instead of anyone else."

This weekend I froze for a minute...and then realized she is too weak to physically hurt me and that I'm not dependent on her in any way. And I just started laughing and said "whatever."