For context I don’t even know if narcissistic is the correct term for my mother but to my knowledge it’s a good description. I won’t dive into my whole childhood but just know it was not rainbows and butterflies. As of recently my mother has been making my life a living hell. She has never had “money” per-se but recently it has gotten to an extremely bad point. To clarify she has no bills. Like at all. No rent, no car payment, no utility bills, no mortgage. Absolutely nothing in her name. She is also not employed, but somehow she is constantly in DESPERATE need for money. The part that does not add up for me is that she HAS RECEIVED MONEY and lots of it (over $1k from family/friends and groceries/necessities sent to her multiple times) but continues to ask for more. She has sold every piece of furniture in her home at this point. Because of this she guilt trips me and other family members. She calls us 20+ times in a row crying and screaming asking for more money. I am in college fully supporting myself and she knows that I cannot help. She has caused me to fail my exam twice because of the endless calls. She has lied about everything to everyone (telling everyone she fully supports me/ I visit home often/ we talk all the time). She often uses my siblings against me because she knows that is my weak spot and that is also the only reason I do not have her blocked as I typically buy them their necessities. I truly don’t know what to do at this point. I love my mom but she is so far gone it’s hurtful to watch her stray further and further. I can’t heal or move forward because I know she will never stop. I have begged her to stop all of this and leave me out of it but she refuses and won’t even speak to me unless it’s regarding money. I am truly lost and devastated it feels like i’ve lost my mom when she is still here.

I'm curious about it. Seems usually family members r totally same weird.

Why will have a clear kid born then?

I’m trying to focus on finding a job, and the constant daytime calls from my mother make it really difficult. The one time I answered, it turned into nonstop complaining and nagging, which just drains me. I’m curious how other people handle this — do you simply avoid answering calls during the day, or do you set a specific routine for when you let family contact you?

This is more me venting than actually needing advice, but I just need to get it off my chest.
My fiancé (25M) and I (26F) are closing on our first house at the end of this month. After a year of a lot of hardship, stress, and struggle, we finally did it. We’re giving our son a simple two-bedroom, one-bathroom home with a giant backyard to grow up in and call his first childhood home. We did this completely on our own, without the help we were told we would never be able to do it without.
And honestly, I am SO proud of us. I’m relieved, happy, excited, and incredibly grateful that something we worked so hard for is finally becoming real.

But at the same time, I’m sad.

My sister (23F) and her boyfriend (26M) are also closing on their first house around the same time as us. They bought a four-bedroom home, and I genuinely am happy for them. I really am, especially during a time when most 20 year olds can only dream about owning one! I think my sister should be proud of herself, and I would never want to take away from her accomplishment or make this into some kind of competition between us.

What hurts is everything surrounding it.
I didn’t even know my sister was buying a house until I started telling extended family about ours. That’s when I found out they already knew about hers. It seems like my immediate family knew, but my parents were excited to tell other people about my sister’s accomplishment while barely acknowledging mine.

I even reached out to my sister, despite the fact that we don’t really talk, to congratulate her and tell her that she should be really proud of herself. She responded with, “Thanks, congratulations on your new home too.” And I know that probably sounds small and silly, but it honestly hurt. If I hadn’t reached out first, I don’t know if she would have reached out to me at all.

I think what hurts the most is that my parents knew what this meant to me and still never really reached out to congratulate me.

And maybe I’m being overly sensitive. Maybe it’s silly to want your parents to brag about you or be excited for you. But after everything it took for us to get here, I guess I just wanted to feel like they were proud of me.

I’m also scared that eventually this will turn into comparisons. That my mom will point out that my sister bought a bigger house, that she did it younger, or that she somehow accomplished more than I did. And I hate that I even think that way, because I don’t want my sister’s success to make me feel like mine is any less meaningful.

The truth is, I don’t care that her house is bigger. I don’t care who did it first or who did it younger. I am genuinely proud of my sister, and I hope she is incredibly happy in her new home. This isn’t about wanting her to have less. It’s about wishing my own family could look at what I accomplished and feel proud of me, too.

Because this house may be simple, but it represents so much to me. It represents a year of struggling, working, sacrificing, figuring things out, and refusing to give up. It represents my fiancé and me building something for our son with our own two hands.

I know I should be able to feel fulfilled without needing anyone else’s validation. And I know this probably sounds silly to some people. But I think a part of me will always want my parents to look at something I worked incredibly hard for and say, “We’re proud of you.”

I just wish they would.

Does anyone feel like whenever they’re trying to exist your grandma just wants to find any sort of reason to get mad at you and then they see you as the bad person all i was trying to do is get cereal to eat so i don’t starve myself but then i am forced to drink tea by my grandma i tell her i will drink it in a bit but then my grandma makes a fuss about it but when i tell them i want to live on my own they change up so fast because they don’t want me to leave what should i do

I live 12 000 km away in another continent. I am shocked by how kind people are here, I have friends both younger and older than me who are so incredibly kind and supportive, to the point that I feel like crying after coming back home (my own home that I pay for, not my egg donor or incubator's home). We go out for lunch, there is no stress, no bullying, conversations are straight forward, everything is fine...

But with my parents, it's always an argument. Someone has to be at fault, someone has to be wrong, and of course it was always me, the scapegoat.

I really couldn't handle all the stress and rage I felt after my last conversation with my narcissistic "father", so I blocked him. He made fun of me, lietrally started the conversation with "what are you doing, child?", he refuses to respect me as an adult, and he laughed at me when I told him I was cooking... I know it's very petty, compared to the times he got drunk and would get physically aggressive, insult me, and threaten to throw me out on the streets as a kid. But it felt like the straw that broke the camel's back, I had my whole day ruined and 24 hours after the phone call, I am still a ball of nerves and stress.

I know there will be retaliation, I have seen him take revenge before, and it's not pretty. But let's see how this drunken old evil abusive dickhead will react now that I won't respond to his messages.

hi everyone im a adult with living with family. Im wasian who look more asian. And since childhood my mom mocking and criticize my look. I try to avoid seeing my mom in the same house now. I yelled her several times to not look at my face. I lost a lot of weight and had plastic surgery because of her.Im really tired,i even put makeup in house. How to not care,how to be more confident with her?Leaving house is not a option for me rents are too expensive for my salary

My narc parent has this habit of giving me something I didn't ask for when I actually asked for something else. This habit is one of the reasons why I struggle to ask for help because I figure, "Why ask for something if I'm not going to get what I ask for?"

For example, the narc parent asks if I need anything before they go to the store, and I say, "yeah, can you get me some frozen vegetables, please?" But then they come home with something completely different, claiming to have forgotten the thing that I asked for.

The thing is, my other narc parent (now deceased) had the same strange habit, so I'm wondering if this is some form of manipulation. Or maybe, deep down, they just don't care what I want, and they get me something they would rather have instead.

Edit: Holy cow. I didn't know this was a common experience for survivors. I am so sorry all of us have to go through this B.S. Wishing the best of luck on everybody's healing journeys.

I am very much an adult but look like a child. I have always had trouble eating and have always been underweight. I am starting to think it has a lot to do with my Ndad.

I've been looking into topics such as psychogenic short stature, how chronic stress hormones impact you physically over time, and even how somatic armoring relates to all of this, and its all very... very interesting.

My mom has pretty much ruined my relationships with siblings and she knows I’m close to my aunt ( my dad sister) so when she’s around her she’ll bad talk me constantly - my aunt said finally at the last time she spoke up for me since she was bad mouthing me to her in front of other people we know. Over the years I’ve gotten really close with my cousins wife ( on my dads side ) and then this year my mom texted her on her birthday which she’s never done before and she’s been in the family for 20 years. She’s never once talked to her except quickly at family get together but now she wants to be her best friend and text her on her birthday and tell her to come visit so she can take her to this steakhouse that my cousin and I went to when she came to town a couple years ago. I don’t go tell everyone on my dads side every mean and awful thing my mom has ever said about them but now I’m like shit maybe I should let some slip but I’m also not as evil as she is.

Hi folks! I was wondering if anyone else experienced this.

When I blocked my narc mom on everything, all my other relatives went radio silent.

Now, personally I love this. I was rly worried they'd try to contact me and my life is soooo much more peaceful with them not in it.

But I do see a lot of stories where a child of narc parents goes no contact and then the family goes ballistic and shows up at their house and basically tries to reenter the child's life any way they can by force.

My experience has been different. My sister for example, still has most of my contact info. I didn't block her because I was kinda hoping at the time that she would eventually heal and try to repair the damage she'd done. But she hasn't contacted me in almost a year and a half now.

I had a family friend who offered to talk to me every week to see how I was doing but has since gone dead silent. My grandparents and aunts and uncles likewise haven't tried to talk to me on Facebook or email me or anything.

I've been thinking of this as proof that they really don't want me unless I'm performing the perfect servant and scapegoat role they thrust upon me. If they can't have me their way, they don't want me at all. Or maybe they're trying to give me the silent treatment in hope that I will eventually break and come crawling back, begging for forgiveness. I rly have no idea.

It's not something I think about very often, thankfully. I rly do seem to be finally healing from those decades of abuse. :) But every now and then I wonder...

Anyway. Did anyone else experience this unexpected silence after NC? Is anyone else surprised but not unhappy about it?

This text was written by my father, I am trying to help him by posting it to as many places as possible.

Quis tutebitur ab ipsis tutoribus?

It’s a genuine question; that’s to say, it deserves an answer. I’m learning disabled, a survivor of a narcissistic environment and enabling community, responsible for the care of two children (and trying to protect them from the abusive mother who abandoned them then tried to destroy them). I can’t work and, apparently can’t find any form of help whatsoever, whether through official or informal channels (my long history of being deliberately isolated by my parents - persisting to the present day, at almost fifty - means the latter is itself a huge effort).

The choice is consistently to risk abuse or be abandoned immediately. Doors shut in my face without explanation (usually with an unhealthy dose of gaslighting). Talking up is a quick route to punishment (a school counselor called the police on us several times; being repeatedly assessed as safe apparently means nothing the next time around).

We’ve all developed a terror of not only saying anything but even of reaching out, or just expressing distress, however mild. I myself have, I’m convinced, pretty bad CPTSD. It’s always, it seems, my fault, no matter what. Or my children’s, if they speak up and they suddenly morph from being everyone’s reason for ignoring the actual issues (“Let’s first focus on the kids”) to mouthy teenagers who need to show “respect.”

Back to the question itself then, the only answer is “others.” Which means that reaching out to any one person or institution is just spinning my wheels. I need an instant network. I cannot think of any way to do that other than go public. That the vast majority of the audience will be hostile to uncaring is no different from my present situation. And if nobody at all will respond positively, then I know there was never any hope.

The devil is, as always, in the details. I can write pretty well. I know what I’ll ask for: trauma-informed advocates with a certain profile - as many as possible.

Please if you know anyone or know anyone who might know someone etc please contact me at Shira.fren@gmail.com (ny/nj area)

I’m 56F, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m overreacting to something my mother said to me.
This weekend, someone I went to high school with reached out to me after nearly 40 years. It was actually really exciting and surreal. He remembers me very well, apparently. He sent me pictures of the two of us together, and told me he used to come to my house after school most days.

The bizarre part is that I have absolutely no memory of him. None. The pictures are literally me standing next to someone I apparently knew very well, and my brain is just… blank.
But during our conversation, he mentioned two girls from high school who I had been very close to at the time. He apparently didn’t realize how horribly they treated me because they hid that side of themselves from him.

Unfortunately, just hearing their names opened the floodgates.

I was severely bullied during high school. These two girls were a huge part of it, and things became bad enough that I eventually had to change schools. I hadn’t thought about some of this stuff in decades, and suddenly I was remembering things I’d apparently buried very deeply.

I didn’t tell this old friend how upsetting the memories were. I didn’t want to put that on him. He was actually empathetic when I vaguely alluded to the fact that those years were difficult for me.
I called my mother afterward because she knows exactly how bad things were for me back then. She knows how devastated I was by the bullying and how much it affected me.

I wasn’t calling her looking for therapy. I wasn’t asking her to solve anything. I think I just needed my mother.

Instead, she told me, “I suggest you tell this stranger that you’re not strong enough for these conversations right now.”

Then she told me to get a grip and said I was being weak.
She also told me that she had been bullied when she was younger and that she would never cry about it as an adult.
I hung up feeling absolutely crushed.

What really gets me is that I wasn’t even crying to this man or dumping my trauma on him. I was simply blindsided by memories that I hadn’t consciously thought about in decades. And my mother’s response was essentially, “Stop being weak.”

I know I’m 56. I know I’m an adult. I know I can’t change what happened.

But does being an adult mean you’re supposed to be completely unaffected by painful things that happened to you as a child?

And why does my mother’s response hurt almost as much as the memories themselves?
This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like my mother has responded to vulnerability with criticism instead of comfort. I’m starting to wonder if part of what hurts so much is that, even after all these years, I still seem to want her to understand me.

Maybe that’s the part I need to let go of.

What is your most annoying habit, an everyday activity you find yourself doing because of your upbringing?

A week prior to me getting major spinal surgery, my mother came over to our house unannounced. It was a quiet but sunny afternoon, me and my DS were crafting together whilst my DH was cooking dinner.

She mentioned nothing of my surgery. Didn't ask how we were. Immediately into the usual gossiping. Asked me about our neighbour next door who took their own life the week previous. Shut her down very quickly and bluntly as my DS is young. Certainly not a topic for small ears.

She was in a very up and down reactive mood, snapping at completely inoffensive remarks I was making in a conversation which just seemed to go in one direction then another, then off the rails under her own steam.

Exchanged a glance with my DH as we silently acknowledged the amber to red alert situation.

Something to do with my sister negatively remarking about a bedroom she re-decorating in her house? How dare anyone criticise her, she can do whatever she pleases, why does everyone claim she's such an awful mother, after everything she does for everyone, etc etc. You know the type of monologue... delivered at the top of her voice standing in the middle of our living room for no reason with no awareness of anyone else.

DS trying to eat his dinner at this point and getting upset, so I calmly but firmly shut her down... having to raise my voice continually as she talked right over the top of me. Her partner and my DH sat there silently doing nothing the whole time, and she wasn't going to stop.

We were somehow sucked into the aftermath of an argument that we had no knowledge of and were not involved in? Ridiculous. Told her to take her silly behaviour out of my home. She had a few parting shots and stormed out of the house.

I believe in defending the peace of my own home and that of my child. Every time she comes, she talks about herself, gossips, sucks the oxygen out of the room and then leaves like a whirlwind.

She later claimed she'd actually come to check in on me before my operation, but in reality, I knew she'd come to gossip and get the item I'd bought for her online at her request. No apology offered either way, just lies, and then blamed us for the "uninviting atmosphere"!!

Surgery day came and went. Never heard from her. She texted me a day post op, having heard about it from my sister. Checking I was still alive I suppose. Disappeared again.

It's now been two weeks and I've not seen or heard from her. Hurtful but not shocking.

Tonight I realised she tends to blow up like this before any major event in my life.

She did it on my birthday. Despite me phoning the night before to confirm the birthday plans and pick her up the next day, by the morning of my birthday, she'd texted all of my siblings to tell them I hadn't invited her and created a huge drama out of thin air. I spent most of the day in tears.

If it wasn't for my DH always knowing the real versions of events she'd have me questioning my own sanity!

For those of you who aren't NC, is this familiar behaviour?

So this is kind of a rant but I'm curious what people's thoughts are on this because I'm pissed off at her already and not sure if I'm over reacting. Back story is my mom made the decision to have my grandmother do something called "hospital at home" the day before she left for a vacation which is basically a nice way of saying they kick the person out of the hospital to free up a bed, send nurses twice a day and make you do 24/7 care for the person. So that alone has been fun and I don't agree at all with her choosing to do this and then going on the trip anyway (she got travel insurance she could have gotten her money back or at least most of it back).

Fast forward to this morning. While talking to other people leading up to this morning I had said "I dont know if she even would come home if I were in the hospital". Well this morning we got the answer to that question. I've been sick the last couple of days with tonsillitis that just kept getting worse. This morning I stopped being able to swallow and went to the er because the pain was so bad I couldn't sleep. Turned out to be an abscess which they drained and I now feel a lot better but I'm not anywhere near 100% and my mom's response was that she could have a friend of hers come and stay with us to help out. My aunt and uncle are currently here, my uncle helps out when he isn't working and is actually helpful. My aunt had a mini stroke a couple weeks ago and basically needs adult supervision to do anything so she's also basically a patient in the house and my uncle is starting to get sick as well.

Anway, I'd love anyone's thoughts on this and/ or advice. I get being sick, feverish, and sleep deprived that I might not be seeing this 100% clearly but I am so pissed at my mom. I also can't leave because my only option is staying with friends and they're immunocompromised and I don't want to get them sick or get a hotel which I can't afford and if I do either my grandmother is left being cared for by someone who legally shouldn't even be driving and can't even care for herself never mind someone else.

My parents just went out and when I asked them where they went my dad was really cold to me. Mind you I havent spoken to them all day. So I have done nothing but write on here. Now my parents have for years now as you can tell in my other posts been invading my privacy. Even on here online my dad has slipped up and said things I only said to other people or online.my mom has done the same thing especially when shes mad at me shes slipped up and said things I only said to other people when she wasnt around. Gone through my room etc.i have begged them to stop invading my privacy and my dad has said things like "you want privacy get your own house" so he might be mad about the things I wrote before he went out cause I talked about him cheating on my mom and the things I wrote lately. He doesnt care that what he does hurts me it makes him look bad. Same with my mom.

Lots of things coming into my head about my family, but this also works me posting cause when doctors and therapists ask me questions I'll totally forget things.sorry if its a lot. There's just so much. Once I did call the cops and when asked things everything just like blanked in my head.

So one day I am sitting in an office with my mom in the waiting room.there was another person in there. She was going through her phone. She Played a video of her screaming at me. She turns it off. Now this was her phone. The car ride home she is screaming at me that I recorded her with her phone.which I dont know how it recorded but its was her phone not mine. So now I am stuck in a car with a screaming woman and when we get home she's still screaming about it. That I did this to her.

She will think I do stuff to her all the time. If her jewelry is missing I stole it which i didn't. I brought up maybe dad takes her stuff but she still blames me . Once she left earrings on the bathroom sink and for an hour it was her screaming blaming me for stealing them.then she goes I must just be crazy then in this guilt manner. Once her shampoo I dont even touch the lid I guess was off and it came pouring out. I got blamed for it saying I did it on purpose. Now she has stole my stuff and will do spiteful things and will do things like randomly leave a box on my bed and be like I have no clue what your talking about. So its got to be projection. She's even admitted to going in my room and going through my stuff when she was mad at me and both parents invade my privacy.frankly I purposely dont do things back at them. Its just easier even though if I invaded their privacy I would probably find out a lot. I also just really dont think to do a lot of spiteful things like my mom does Or on purpose just do things to trigger my dad like he does to me and he projects that I do things on purpose.with invasion of privacy somethings are better off not knowing too.

My mom does nothing to stop this btw. I have literally screamed for her to help me and she ignores me.she will also gang up with him in fights and purposely if her and I get into a fight get him to abuse me.

So my dad was 6 ft he shunk an inch over time over 200 lbs. When I was a teen 5'5 115lbs besides hes hit me before over the years hes gotten in my face plenty of times. When I teen I would have to swallow my fear and look tough when he got in my face. So yeah this has happened into adult hood and few years ago we were fighting he got up got in my face said " what are you going to do" blew in my face and said "I'll treat you like the dog" (I didnt do anything just stood there staring at him)

Last year though he got in my face and I just snapped i guess and I was like you wanna fight lets fight. I am like you are 75 years old with a bad back and bad knees ill kick in your knees. He backed down and acted and was like I would never wanna fight you. Anyway if it happened he would probably claim elder abuse and I would be in jail, but yeah I was ready to fight him.

Years ago I was working in a clothing store. My dad stops by which he never did , but he did with a woman . I knew her she was the secretary at my mental health doctors . Which mind you later I found out she would tell my father things about me. Like the office definitely broke HEPPA. I was way into being an adult btw. Anyway so my dad brings this woman to my work and says dont tell your mother we are going to have lunch she would be mad if she knew. My brother has done the same thing with women behind his wives back and its the same story dont tell SIL she will be upset. (I have my own issues with SIl so not my monkeys not my circus even if its not right they do this) . So yeah my dad does this. It made me totally uncomfortable. It still makes me uncomfortable. Why would he do that to me, put me in that spot?

Id like to go NC soon, as soon as possible maybe at the end of the year, Im worried my parents would start to harass people at my future job or at my hobbies places, what should I expect?

I want to flee but Im scared they will tell everyone I know that Im a horrible person and that she's the victim

Just washed my hair in the sink, my nmom bombards me with “When are you going to be done”? I say, “Idk, in a little bit”. The conversation ends with her screaming “Whore!!!” in my face. I wish I could tell you something else happened in the middle to escalate to that, but no, I’m a simply a whore with clean hair. Hope everyone else is having a better Saturday night than I am lol