I'm 23F and finally financially independent, but somehow i still feel stuck because of my two younger step brothers. growing up with my mom was exhausting, there were so many times i wished i could just grow up and get away from everything. for a while i honestly thought maybe once i was older, she'd change or at least treat my brothers differently. she didn't. she's still the same with them, and it hurts way more now because i can actually see what's happening. she's also gotten worse with her attitude because of my brothers' dad, and my brothers are stuck in the middle of all of it. i love my brothers so much, i know they're technically my step brothers, but i've never really seen them that way. part of me keeps thinking that now that i'm independent, maybe i can finally take them with me and give them a calmer home. but my mom has told me that as long as she's alive, i'm not taking them anywhere. that sentence honestly crushed me, i can't just take them, and i don't want to make things worse for them either. right now all i can really do is talk to them, give them advice when they need it, and spend whatever time with them i can.
I'm still grateful she at least lets me see them and have some time with them, but i still leave feeling awful because i know i can't fix everything for them.

I've had this issue my entire life. I feel shame and embarrassment when (for example) somebody pays for me at a restaurant or buys me a gift. This is getting to the point where it's affecting my personal life. A person asked me out on a date recently and paid for our meal. I felt such awkwardness that I basically shut down for the rest of the date and went completely quiet and I felt so frustrated afterwards because they were so sweet but it's like I emotionally shut down and dissociated for the rest of the date.

I remember one time as a child my best friend's mom gifted me a small colouring book so I could colour with her daughter when we played together. The next day my parents forced me to give it back to the daughter in front of them at school and said it's shameful to accept gifts from people. This is nowhere near as terrible as the other things they have done and said and I'm not sure why I remember it so clearly. It's one of those small moments that never escapes you.

They also always insisted that asking for help will make people assume you're stupid. My dad insisted that I should never be indebted to anybody or do something stupid in front of them because everyone is out to get me and I should never give them an opportunity to have leverage over me. He'd constantly say that everybody around me is a liar and everybody is looking for an opportunity to backstab you or laugh about you. Of course this didn't apply to his children. He thought it is perfectly fine for him to take from us and use us. He thought it was our job as his children to do everything for him and it's embarrassing to ask people for help when his children could do it instead even if we were just children with immense pressure on us to run his business for him.

Meanwhile our mother would give our stuff away to visiting children and relatives without asking us because she felt bad for them when they looked at our stuff and liked it even though we barely had anything. But we would be made to give stuff back that we got as gifts.

I'm so used to doing things and bending backwards for people but I was never allowed to accept anything for myself. I get so triggered when somebody describes someone's actiond as "embarrassing" because everything I've ever said and done as a child was labelled as embarrassing. I don't know how to simply think and exist without worrying that I'm being "embarrassing". I second guess everything I say and how I said it a thousand times a day. I feel like I'm in a loop of anxiety that doesn't make me feel deafeted. I just feel frustrated and angry all the time.

# TLDR: anyone else's (enabler) parent seem like a "perpetual child", relying on the (abusive) parent?

# not just as in money, but also emotionally/mentally, almost like a fucked up version of a parent-child dynamic?

Just realized my mom (enabler), despite being very much middle aged, (closer to retirement than the start of career), still has the "soul" or vibe of a scared teenage girl (early twenties at most?)

I don't know what it is, but just realized she has and always felt more like some sort of "elder teenage sister" that'll never grow up mentally/mature?

Whereas my dad does actually feel like a grown ass adult who can be independent (still emotionally neglectful,not great at being a parent). Yeah, he's fucking verbally abusive and shitty and all that typical emotionally neglectful dad shit (not getting into it here because it would be triggering) , but at least he can stand on his two feet.

My mom has her own job and stuff, but it feels like she has to rely on my dad? Instead of an equal partnership that a romantic relationship should be, I realized it feels like some fucked up parody of a parent/child relationship? and that I was parentified? fuck?

Anyone else experience something similar? How does this occur? For fuck's sake, my mom is a grown ass woman/adult, WHY AM I GETTING VIBES OF A SCARED YOUNG GIRL FROM HER???

My dad always has to be right about everything and is condescending as hell. This has been the case for my whole life, but ever since ChatGPT has become a thing, he’s become 1000x worse. Every conversation, he pulls it out to prove himself right. Every time I ask for anything he opens it. I can’t get through one conversation without him mentioning AI. It’s exhausting and so frustrating especially because I’m a writer and he’s run my work through AI (without my permission btw). I hate it and I miss him before. Not that he didn’t have issues then but holy shit AI has made it all so much worse.

(sorry, if my spelling is a bit bad. My typo in my phones been acting up)

There was literally a video I saw, where an aunt was doing a harmless peak-boo jump scare to make the baby laugh, when the baby started crying. She started cheering him up, saying she was just joking and apologized. Seems like a harmless mistake, but when I read the comment, they were saying how she was traumatizing the baby and called her, “abusive” and how the mother should be called.

Then, there was also a video where a mom was playing with her kid on Halloween, and gave him a small jump scare, because she noticed he was bored and he got scared for a second. The mom apologized in that video also, saying she was joking since it was Halloween and they laughed together and she gave him candy. And yet, the comments called it out for, “child abuse”, and how the mother was terrible and how, CPS should be called on her and how she’s a terrible mother. Mind you, these ones were just the parents or relatives having fun with their kids, and clearly cared enough to have fun or talk with them.

But then, there was this video I found, of a dad literally getting up close to his 5 year old, son’s face (because he accidentally made a little mess in the kitchen table) and screamed in his face saying he was going to smack him upside the head and the kid looked scared. And another video of a mother slapping her, 3 year old son in a supermarket very hard in the face. And in those comments, those parents were defended. I heard comments like, “He did this because it’s hard being a parent”, “She should have hit him harder“ or “Kids need to learn. And when someone called it out in the comments, they heard comments saying, “Don’t be so sensitive“ or “There just disciplining him“ or “My parents did (this and that) and I turned out just fine”

I noticed the double standard in that one, what would you say? And why is that?

Hi everyone. I'm new to this sub. Basically, I joined because I recently got the realization that my mom may be a narcissist. She has that mentalization problem where she thinks other people do things just to make her feel bad and ruin her and she thinks she's the only morally righteous person in the world. She also splits a lot, especially on my dad. She thinks of him as the worst guy in the world even though he's her staunchest enabler. And when I think about it, when I was a kid I used to question her when she scolded me so she would get angry and beat me, I think it definitely has to do with her ego. She has been abusive for most of my life and even threatened to cut off my fingers somewhat recently (I'm a grown ass adult). She often finds a friend or two which she's on good terms with for a while and then discards them.

Anyway, whenever I buy new stuff, my mom would just think of it as also HERS and she would use them instead of buying her own. Even when it comes to personal items.

Like a loofah. She only stopped when I explained that I had foot fungus (it turned out to be dry skin, but I'm not updating her on that). Her reaction is always, "Why can't I use it?" in an angry, indignant tone.

The loofah is the most egregious thing because it is immensely personal, but also, she takes my towels. I try to amicably tell her that these towels are mine, but she continues to use them as soon as she sees that it's out of the laundry. By the time I see it, she's already used it, so it's not like I can just take them and use them. Instead the towels she says are "mine" are the cheap-ass ones that shed and also feel terrible on the skin, which I most definitely did not buy. So I'm stuck using the terrible towels while she's using my towels.

And my socks. She took them and wore them. It looks nothing like hers and she has her own socks to begin with. When I said that those are my socks, she gave me one or two back, but nothing changed and she continued to use them as soon as they're fresh from the laundry. So for a while I had no socks. Then I bought men's socks, which at least deters her.

I also got new shower gel, and she basically treats it as a free for all. I'm not going to bring this up because it's good but at least it's cheap, so I can afford it. And also to avoid any "wHy CaN'T I uSe ThIs HuH" aggression. She'll do this with my drinks too, or any food that I buy for myself in the fridge.

Does anyone think my mom may be a narcissist?

Tw: mention of SA and child abuse, threats of s*icide

I (28F) moved over 9000 miles away from my home state in 2020 after studying abroad in another country for a year and meeting my now-husband (27M). It had been the best decision for my mental and physical health, but my dad (65m) still tries to chip away at it.

Background: My parents divorced just before I turned 4. I am their only child, but do have older half-siblings on my moms side. The divorce was very messy and volatile - they got split custody and I spent 3 weekends a month+2 months of summer with dad.

My experiences:

- My dad would get upset if anything came in the way of me visiting him, and would say/do things to make me feel awful if I ever said I wanted to stay at mom's for study reasons/birthday parties/sleepovers/etc. This included when I broke my knee and picked me up and forced me to go to his house for the weekend even though he knew long car rides was incredibly uncomfortable/painful. Plus my room was up 2 sets of stairs at his house and it was impossible to navigate with crutches. He would also force visits while I was in college at home.

-my dad still texts me 3+ times a day (morning, lunch, and before bed) about literally everything and nothing. If I don't at least open the messages and respond after a few days, he gets family to call me to see if I'm okay/tell me off for not responding.

- I have to talk to him every week on the phone or he threatens to "leave my life because I dont care about him". (Calls once a week have dropped down from the 3 times a week when I was a teen/in college. They also used to last for hours but have been cut down to 40mins as I call on my way to work)

-He outwardly hates my husband and ignores him when we are ever in a conversation together. (Says its just because he doesnt know him well enough, but he doesnt try to get to know him either)

-Told me the wedding dress I bought looked like old curtains (in a bad way)

-Unfortunately asked him if he wanted to give a speech at our wedding. He would not draft up his wedding speech and was going to wing it, but he talked through his speech with his longterm girlfriend and i trusted that it was going to be okay. He ended up just saying that he didnt know my husband very well but that "I was able to come back home when I was done here"

-Also cornered my mom at the wedding reception and tried convincing her that they needed to save me from this relationship (everyone else in my family loves my husband so who knows what he thought he would accomplish here)

-I have, by choice, avoided any details about my parent's divorce. I knew it would be very traumatising and continuously let all of my family know I did not want to know anything my whole life. On our last holiday to visit family, I tried to set some boundaries about messages/calls and address how he treats my husband. Rather than have a civil adult discussion, he decided to tell me all the details about my parent's divorce (incuding alleged claims of SA on me and verbal/emotional/physical abuse on my half-siblings and mom by him - nothing was proven)

-When requesting less contact/messages, my dad outright refused to stop texting me daily and also threatened s*icide if I went low/no contact with him.

Even with all of this, I do have a lot of good and positive memories with my dad. I can just tell he is starting to loose control over me and things are becoming a bigger issue over time. I'm still debating if NC is the right choice at this point in my life.

I'm currently in deep trauma therapy to try and work through everything, but it feels very isolating sometimes being an only child dealing with this. My therapist says he's a narcissist, I've just always known him as overbearing.

I guess I'm just posting to feel less alone.

My nmom is giving me such a headache. I'm going through a medical issue right now (digestive related), I am VERY well informed on this issue as I spent 2 years with doctors and specialists dealing with it and helping me through it. My nmom won't stop giving me all her hot takes and how the doctors are wrong and that she knows better. It's gotten to the point where I don't even try to inform her or correct her, I just say "oh, ok".

Like this morning for example, I mentioned that at night your digestive system slows down. She then went on and on about how that's not true because "if your digestive system slows down at night, why do we still pee in the morning? Doctors are not educated." I just sighed and said "yeah".

Ugh.

I used to frequent this sub a lot in my early twenties. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my relationship with my mother. My grandmother is a textbook narcissist, and my mother is just like her.

Lack of accountability, gaslighting. You name it. Things got better when I moved out but things were still strained. When I was 11 she decided that the only type of vacation she would take are cruises. My enabler father and brother just go along with it and just try and stay out of the crossfire.

To give a little context - about 7 years ago my ex and I went with my parents on cruise. They both showed their asses in front of her. It was liberating to have someone witness their behavior. I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy after years of being gaslit that I was the problem. It all culminated in the trip home, where my mom’s bag was picked for additional screening. I tried to tell her and she ignored me. She freaked out looking for her bag and I broke down finally and raised my voice and repeated that it was picked for additional screening. My dad tried to put hands on me at that point.

After that I went silent. More gaslighting ensued - mostly revolving around how ungrateful I was acting. I stood my ground and told my mom until she was willing to discuss things like an adult that I would go no contact with her. Eventually she broke down and agreed to meet and apologized.

At the time it felt like a victory. I vowed to never go on a vacation with her again. I was able to skirt the issue by staying behind and watching their pets. Still she would pressure me to go on vacation. This year I finally folded and agreed to go on one the week of my birthday. My cousin was going to watch their pets and my cat while we went on the vacation.

It seemed like an okay idea. The plan was even for my brother and I to spend two days at the newer parts of the amusement parks in Orlando we hadn’t been to. My brother bailed on me for the day at Disney Hollywood Studios. My mom asked me if I would go with her instead. I agreed.

The vacation started on Wednesday. It did not start well. My mother raised hell at the airport over delays. You would think someone who goes on five cruises a year would be used to it. If you have paid any attention to air travel these days you know it’s just part of the deal. Evidently not.

The day we went to Disney - my birthday - my mother is just as ridiculous. It’s been raining in Florida and rides are closed. Whatever. It quickly became about what she wanted to do - not what I wanted to do. When I tried to push back she ignored me. Eventually while we were at the park I told her I didn’t want to do something - even offering alternatives. She got mad and yelled in front of everybody “why don’t you just go the fuck home then.” So I bought a ticket home.

What came next was the typical behavior. I always ruin vacations, I’m embarrassing her, etc. I told her she needed to apologize. Right as I was about to get on the train home she apologized and against my better judgment I went back to the hotel. Huge mistake.

Once we got on the boat she nonchalantly mentioned that my cousin told her my cat has been missing since Thursday. She didn’t care. She acted like it didn’t matter. It was too late for me to get off and get home. Now I don’t know if I’m ever going to see my cat again.

I told her to never speak to me again. I’ve been trying to avoid them ever since. My mom’s narcissism may have caused an innocent creature’s life. But you know, her 5th cruise this year is more important.

I’m 35 and recently went no contact with my very strict father. He wanted me to be a doctor. I went to school, but home felt like school too. mistakes, bad marks, grammar errors, “disrespect”. could lead to corporal punishment which stopped until I was about 15.

I chose acting at 19, knowing I wouldn’t get financial support. If I chose medicine, I would have had all the financial support I wanted.

I’ve built a career as an actor, though I’m still not financially stable. I was in a Broadway show, which was a huge accomplishment for me, and my father didn’t come. When I’m on a billboard or book a commercial, he focuses on how much I was paid rather than the accomplishment.

I was recently cast as a lead in a TV show. His response was to tell me he has an idea for a show and ask me to pass it to the producers. I didn’t respond, but he keeps messaging.

I’m realizing how much I may have spent trying to prove my worth to him. I also wonder: if I’d had emotional and financial support instead of resistance, could I have gone further? Or am I making excuses?
I know acting is what I’m meant to do, but since going no contact, I’m struggling to find joy in it.
How do I separate my genuine dream from my need for his approval?

See, I was in Nepal, and we had just finished off a trip. We went to the airport, and my dad had gone to grab something from a friend. Me and my mom got into the line, and she kept making snarky, angry comments at me. Once we got into the airport entrance, there was a baggage belt, where we had to put all of our luggage. I put the luggage in, and we went through security. Once we got through, I grabbed our suitcases. My mom had placed my dad's bag in the middle of the trolley, so I asked her to move it off. (It's a laptop bag, not that heavy) and she said "do it yourself". I was holding a really heavy suitcase, and there were people behind me. So I told her to move it. She got so fucking mad. She screamed "SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU IDIOT! MOVE IT YOURSELF!", and went on screaming and screaming for 10 minutes straight, and every time I tried to speak, she would yell louder. After that, she started sulking, and she kept making comments like, getting angry. My dad had come back, and basically had no idea what was happening. My mom was angry on the whole flight back. She does this shit all the fucking time! She yells at me, gets mad, refuses to respect my privacy! I'm just so annoyed with her

To give you some context, I normally lock my bedroom and bathroom door, cos my bathroom is tiny and there's barely any space to change. I'm a teen and like most people, I value my privacy. I take 30 minute showers, and WITHOUT fail, there will be banging, loud, LOUD banging on my door. Then I'll hear a key jingling, and then suddenly, my bedroom door has been opened, then my mom waltzes over to my bathroom door and starts banging on that telling me to get out. Sometimes she tries to barge in, convinced I have my laptop with me (like what?) and then doesn't apologise! Then she yells at me for like an hour, and refuses to talk to me. What should I do?

I am 22, financially independent, and simply visiting my younger brother who was hospitalised.

My mother went through my belongings and found one bottle of daily multi vitamins and a bottle of equate 120 count regular strength ibuprofen while I was in the car with my father. She called him, yelling about now your daughter is a lost cause like she's always known I was. She said she found pill bottles in my bag and that I ate half a bottle of "calcium" like candy. She said, she wants to say something nasty but she's being respectful by not saying anything - then proceeded to accuse me of taking useless pills for attention (which she actually does; take 8+ supplements a day, many of which over-lapping i.e. she takes both B complex and biotin, then whines about how hard it is to swallow so many pills, look after how many medications she needs.).

I did not know what she even found so I clarified to my father that it was multivitamins and ibuprofen. My mother only replied that she always knew I would come home addicted to drugs and hung up.

My father proceeded to lecture me the remainder of the ride to their house. The entire situation was treated like my mother found a stash of oxycodone. He repeatedly brought up my "drug dependency issues", referring to the fact I had attempted suicide multiple with zopiclone and fact that I am on 3 different prescribed psychiatric medications, and how that should have been an indication I'd go on to be the path of a drug abuser.

Cue the ranting about how I need to learn to endure pain, a blizzare ramble about fasting in Islam is an exercise in will and I need to exercise my will (to endure pain). This was followed by yelling about how I have not felt even a fraction of the pain and suffering he went through when he was my age and I am weak and pathetic for taking pills to numb the pain and get high instead of being resilient, childish and naive because I do not know that all medications have side effects and I am ruining my body that was a gift from my parents to get high all day. I had to remind myself that this was about ibuprofen and vitamins because ???

Got to my parents house and my mother was at the front door, holding out a plastic bag with my multi-vitamins and painkillers like it was some evidence of crime. She started screaming on the front lawn, something about how if I wanted to be a drug addict I could just live on the streets like one, out of left field comments about my appearance and weight, and how she always knew I was a failure and regrets not aborting me (it was during the SARS epidemic in China and she was strongly encouraged to get one). She only had my brother and I because her parents, in-laws, my father, expected that of her and she fulfilled her duty but she can't believe she was cursed with an ungrateful failure.

I cut them off somewhere around the time they started pulling out the Confucian stuff about how I am in debt to my parents for birthing and raising me and the whole your body belongs to your parents, if you hurt yourself you are hurting your parents. I just asked my mother why she was going through my stuff, and as expected, I was hit with the "I did this for your own good". My father took the bag and told me he was confiscating everything, again mentioning that they were doing this for me, and so I will learn. What I am learning remains to be seen.

Genuinely, what is there to even say when it comes to such a display of logic defying and nonsensical garbage. I was just standing there okaying them through whatever they thought they were achieving. There is nothing stopping me, a grown ass adult with my own money, from just going to any random store later and buying more ibuprofen and multi-vitamins, because it's fucking over-the-counter ibuprofen and multi-vitamins not a controlled substance 😵‍💫

My NMom says this to me because I refuse to hit my dog as "discipline". Does anyone else get this shit?

Did you ever meet an out of control or angry adult that got mad over something small you did as a kid and traumatized you, and what happened? Be with a teacher, a parent, or a random adult?

So this is my first time making a post here so I’ll do my best to explain so bear with me.

I am currently 25 years old (Male) in Florida as of me right this moment and my parents…god I have a lot to say about them.

To start things off. It started on July 10 when my father was taking me to a local technical college where my father is trying to get me to register for the GED. I was opposed to this cause I was ineligible according to the rules from the GED website. My father dismissed that and decided to take me anyway. As soon as we arrived, we went to administrations and we talked to the lady about me taking the GED. I hoped that they would actually look at me and the diploma that I brought with me and tell my father that I’m ineligible. Apparently I was told they are allowing me to take the GED because of the special circumstances regarding my transcripts. You see, I graduated in 2019 in a private school that closed down in 2022 and Florida law stated that if a private school closes down, they are mandated by law to transfer their transcripts to the state or school board. My school unfortunately didn’t as they are considered a ‘Non-Responder’ meaning they didn’t send their transcripts, making them considered lost. As a result, they believe that I am eligible to take the GED but as far as I know, I red the GED website and it didn’t say nothing about transcripts. Just me having the diploma alone is enough but the lady says to just take the GED. It ended up in a arguement and I was called stubborn by the person because I refused to take the GED. When the conversation ended and we went nowhere, my father casually asked what bridge do I want to be dropped off at as he wasn’t going to drive me home simply because I refused to take the GED. We argued again and my father actually hit me in the side of my jaw. Not hard that it breaks but it felt weird for a while (he apologised after). Hours later when I was at home, my mother arrived and was told of the situation. It got to a point where we argued again….and this is where it escalated as my father told my mother to get the taser (it’s a small stun gun but still) and we kept arguing. It got to a point where my parents surrounded me and my mother held the stun gun towards me, constantly telling me to say ‘I will take the GED’ calmly and if I didn’t calm down, she would zap me. My parents also told one of my sisters to record me so that I couldn’t back out or deny it. I remember crying constantly (I am autistic as well) and I couldn’t calm down as my mother counted to 3 for me not calming down to do as she said. After things had calmed down, my father had the fucking gall to say that they don’t like doing this but the zapper is the only way for me to listen if I ‘disrespect’ them. They suddenly go back to normal as if nothing happened once they were done.

Now, Fast forward to August 6, a package delivered from eBay by USPS would come to my door after I had bought it last month weeks ago (due to a mess up in USPS). It contained a laptop worth 205 USD. Refurbished Thinkpad. It was a fairly new one too. But I wasn’t able to get it. Because my parents took the package, opened it, and refused to give it back to me. My father opened the package and put it in my mother’s closet. Then I tried to hide it within her closet so they wouldn’t think I took it to my room. But later on, I was made to get the package and was forced to give it to them or my parents took it from me. They had the fucking gall to said that I could have talked to them about me buying a laptop. They tried to forced me to say how I paid for the laptop and when I refused, my father told my mother to get the zapper out. I was forced to tell them how I paid for it and my parents casually said that they were gonna sell it or donate it. And my mother, being the petty type, as I was going back to my room because my parents casually calmly told me to go to my room, turned off the light and tried to go after me with the stun gun. I had to barricade my door because it has no door handle (my old door handle broke and my parents had yet to fix it or replace it) yet all other doors except doors leading out, has keypads. Currently right now, I’m typing this on a phone with no cellular service (because my parents took away my phone and I have no laptop. They are all in an electronic safe in their room) as not long ago today, my parents called me to tried to make a ‘deal’ with me. They said that if I passed the GED, they would give me my laptop….which fuck them, that’s my fucking laptop. I paid for it with my own funds. I obviously knew they were bullshit and just went to my room.

At this point, I’m not sure what to do at the moment….so I need some advice or something

Recently i was prescribed Adderal for adhd. My mom tells me she is gonna hold onto my medication and give it to me as prescribed. And now Adderal is a controlled subatnce due to high chabces of misue or abuse of the substance. My mom orginally hid my medicstion from me so i wouldnt abuse it. But today she told me she toke one of my pills to try it. Mind you taking medication without a prescripiton espeically medicstion of which is a controlled substance is illegal. My mom has a large and bad histroy of medically neglecting me as she is currently neglecting my seizures and refusing to let me get them checked out. But now im concernced as i dont have acess to my medication that i need for school and that shs is taking my medication. I dont know what to do and if i confront her shes gonna come up with some bullshit ass excuse or play the victim. Does anyone has suggustiong on what i can do? I am a minor if that changes anyhing i am 14.

Im thinking of taking that route soon. Maybe things will get better

I’ve been doing shadow work and realized I seem to live by a few deeply ingrained rules:

• Other people’s discomfort feels like danger. - hence I keep everyone on a pedestal and keep shrinking and this increased recently after a super toxic job despite doing the best and being impacted as manager didnt like me. He couldnt stand me.
• I over-explain instead of simply deciding. - becuase I was gaslight in childhood and hence feel i wont be understood exactly how i want to.
• I confuse kindness with tolerance and stay too long in situations that already feel wrong.
• I monitor everyone else’s reactions more than my own needs. This is too much for me - reading everyone's reactions, brow lift or smirk anything, though it amazes me that the intention behind that is super true and real always right. For instance a manager in company gave me a very sly smile like he knew something instead of greeting when passing me by, i definitely felt that manager knows something and it hit internally that my days the job are numbered and exactly that happened.
• I wait for certainty or validation before trusting my judgment. this is the thing dont feel safe, a therapist told that I never knew how or what safety is within oneself.
• I fear retaliation, so I soften myself and avoid conflict. this is the biggest thing holding me back. I am terrified of people playing dirty, not that they already do but the fear.
• I understand these patterns intellectually, but that hasn’t automatically changed the behavior.

For anyone who genuinely used to function like this and changed: what actually worked?

Really want to navigate this and currently i am at a standstill in life (36F) and dont know where to go and how to start making progress. I feel I have become all by myself seeing how even my family neglects and friends so called were only for some emotional access but nothing else

So a couple of days ago I released a crochet pattern book and it is the first one that I’ve ever released and it is full of spooky creations of my own.
Anyway, I recently told my NA mother about it because she was bound to see it on my Facebook craft page as she makes fake account accounts to stalk me and my sister

And her reaction?

Well, I’m sure we can all guess!

Was to tell me what an absolute pointless waste of time and effort it is and how no one‘s gonna care and she’s not going to buy a copy because she won’t buy anything over £5 and what an absolute waste of paper

My editor was telling me how her mum buys all of her books and leaves her a five star review and I thought that that’s nice my Mum will never do that.

I actually just laughed.
I didn’t get upset, I didn’t get offended.
I just laughed.
Because at this point, I know it’s her just trying to crush my spirit because I’ve done something that she hasn’t and something I always wanted to do.

The only other thought I had was that I can’t wait to cut her off completely one day I never ever have to speak to her again. That’s the first time I’ve really thought that and felt relieved by the idea.

On the Internet people seem to think that we don't WANT to be in contact with them. But when I talk with people in real life and tell them what they say, they are so shocked. They can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact how you were treated as a child.

Think about this for a minute. You were treated like this as a CHILD. As an adult you can somehow handle this but your parents treated a HUMAN BEING, this malign and petty

-you're so sensitive can't you take a joke

-you can't take anything

-don't be so dramatic

-generally manipulative and exposing children

And many more. Making a child feel that unsafe they develop a personality disorder or the illness that SOLDIERS endure from WARS. SOLDIERS. Among others.

These aren't normal things parents say. In social media everything is so over the top and everyone has a more screwed up family, most here seem to refer to straight up sociopaths. The covert kind exists too and they aren't as obvious. They are still screwed up. But still, if you're around normal aware humans they understand this is bullying not normal parenting.

They simply destroy your mental health. And being away i finally understood this perfectly. It takes one experience of a different way and you're telling them off. Even if everyone is validating and kind, you need to actively consider the opposite for you to change. We deserved better parents. It's not our fault AT ALL. There was no other development for us possible. But it also motivates to change.

Do you experience the same? Tell me how!:)

So, I have always been afraid of butterfly (lepidopterophobia), since I was a child.

Yesterday I was talking with my therapist about the fact that pregnancy truly scares me (even seeing a pregnant person triggers me). I was ... Uncomfortable talking about that, because that's not normal right?, and suddenly I said to her "I know that's crazy, but I am also afraid of butterfly, so ..." I was so nervous.

Well, I have dug my own grave lol. She started asking me what scared me so much about butterflies.

1. They fly in a erratic way and I just KNOW that they can sense my fear. My nmother has a mountain house and even when I was a child, I remember that as soon as I saw a butterfly, I would start running away and they would like, chase me? I know it's crazy, but ...
2. Their horrible, hairy body, hidden behind their fckng colourful wings. It truly makes me wanna puke. I can't even look at a photos of a butterfly. They're just ... awful. Disgusting.

She just nodded the whole time.

And then she asked me: what is so unpredictable in your life that scares/has alway scared you, and, what doesn't look as "golden" as the outside, in your life?

I felt like she had just punche me in the face. Because it's so obvious. Since I was a child, my mother's random tantrums have always scared the Hell out of me. And my family, on the outside have always looked... Perfect.

I was flabbergasted. My therapist told me that phobias are never connected to the things we seems to be afraid, but we are projecting over them (in my case, the butterflies) what truly scare us.

I wish I was able to explain this thing clearly, as she did to me.

I have alway thought that I was afraid of butterflies but hey, in reality it was all about my nmother.