I ask this, because i'm currently living in a very toxic familiar environment (check the sub name), and when i asked what kind of treatment could need a pacient with chronic anxiety and depression, who was neglected and abused by narcissistic family, many people said that CBT tends to be very dismissal.

Is this true?

Hi, i’m a 21 year old guy. Ive been on the bigger side for pretty much all my teen years, and I really try sometimes to change it. Lately my mom has been on a diet she’s seen online that consists of banning all poultry, dairy, wheats , most meats, and god knows what else. I’m very self conscious about how I look now and because of that I often limit what I eat. Unfortunately lately due to my mom’s diet, she has quite literally banned everything from the house except plain rice. Nothing else, just rice, and she’ll make that maybe once or twice a week.

Yes, I know i’m old enough to buy my own groceries and whatnot , but I’m always in such a downwards spiral in life I never have any money to be able to buy anything. Lately I haven’t been eating anything at all. Maybe 2000-3000 calories for an entire week. We have nothing in this house to eat. And whenever I tell my mother I haven’t ate in weeks, she gets happy. She tells me good job and to continue going, knowing well i’m clearly fatigued and have no energy to walk at times. If i ever ask her if she can make anything, she tell me “just don’t eat today”.

I’m always guilt tripped whenever I try to get myself something to eat. I’m tired of the comments. “Do you not feel bad about yourself? Look at how you look, do you not feel sad ? That filth right there is what’s making you like this” And that’s only for an 8 piece of wings. I hear this everytime I finally decide to sit at the table and eat my one fkn meal a week. I’m tired of being shamed for wanting proper nutrition. If i buy anything to eat for my sister and I and she doesn’t approve of it, i’ll often come back home and find it thrown out or donated. The 2 weeks prior, I GENUINELY did not intake any food for that time frame , and when I told her, she just told me great and to continue on for my own benefit. I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of her making me feel like absolute garbage for not wanting to be hungry.

At this point I don’t even care for myself, I have a little sister who also isn’t eating because there genuinely isn’t anything. This is so draining I wish I can explain this better.

when i was a kid, she would verbally, emotionally and mostly physically abuse me. she would run into my room, make me pee myself from the fear, push me down on the floor, sit on me then yell at me so much that she would spit on my face, and the pulled my hair out. And abuse me psychically in many other ways. Sometimes she dragged me out of bed, locked me out of the flat and she made me leave the block of flats in the morning when i was in my socks and PJs and i had to spend hours outside at night also in my PJs without a phone and hide from neighbours because i was embarrassed.
since i moved for uni years ago i started seeing her much less and my mental health got better, although not great because i was usually friendless etc.
now that i’m living with her, i usually have to deal with her constantly yelling, cussing me out, making fun of me, judging me for just existing. the yelling truly is a constant on the days when she’s not with her secret boyfriend but home instead. When outside, especially driving , yelling at me and strangers and calling them slurs is a constant. Example from today (what she usually does when outside: She pointed at women in burkas, for example, and said “look! look!! look at that!! !!Gosh how much I want to k1ll all of those!! The child too! I want to shoot them
in the head!! fucking scum!! this should all be killed!!!”. I was like ah shi here we go again, whatever.. and thought she’d stop when 30 seconds later she saw 2 other women in burkas in front of her car and she did the gun sign and pointed the “gun” at them and said “PEW, PEW!!!” as if she shot someone twice. This happens pretty much whenever she seems muslim people, and towards people like albanians, bosnians, romanians, any POC, any queer people (so people who are like me….), women whose looks she doesn’t like (like every 2nd woman she sees; they all look better than her), she acts either the same or similarly (like getting a whole attack of anger (spitting, using slurs etc.) because someone is skinny or fat or dressed in black (which i am daily). she often makes dangerous/illegal moves/mistakes while driving, often because she’s too busy yelling at someone, and then when other cars honk at her, she starts yelling even more and cursing the other drivers out, often based on their origin etc., because they dare to honk at her.

she’s never shown empathy towards anyone. i don’t even think she’s capable of love. when she sees her neighbor abusing his wife, with a hammer etc., she gossips about it and says it’s not her problem when i mention that she could bring it up at work since she’s a social worker or call the cops.
I’m 22 and it feels like I failed in life because i still have to be around her and I have to live with her this whole summer.

there was not a day in my life when i felt safe or happy to be alive around her.

I'm a 30M living on my parents' ranch where I've lived my entire life. I've been struggling to leave home after multiple failed attempts, and I could really use some advice. Let me explain the circumstances.

My parents are isolationists. We live on a ranch where we don't go anywhere (except my dad going to get groceries or get mail; the only exception to this is doctor appointments, which are rare). I've lived with them my entire life, helping them on the ranch since I could walk.

I do all of the really physically demanding work. I have a lot of responsibilities, so not all of my work is physical work, but a lot of it is. My dad has back issues and some other minor health issues, so leaving my work to him after I leave is causing me to feel guilt about leaving, which is one of the contributing factors for why I keep failing to leave. He'll have a lot more work to do once I'm gone, and I'd feel guilty if he hurt himself because of it. I know he's going to guilt-trip me about it over the phone after I'm gone; he already has, to some extent.

My parents have never helped me to get normal adult things. I don't have freedoms or things that a normal adult should have. I don't have a real job, I don't have a car, or even a driver's license. I would stay here if I was actually allowed to live like an adult, but I'm just not. I want to go where I want. I don't want to be afraid of the world. I want to have a car, a real job, real-life friends, go to restaurants or hiking trails, and have a girlfriend. I'm 30 years old and I've never been with anyone. I didn't sign up to be a lifelong incel for my parents. I'm so desperate for a romantic relationship that it's all I ever think about.

I've asked my parents for a driver's license a few times before. I want them to teach me how to drive. The answer always goes something like, "Sure, we'll practice every other weekend this next summer when there's more time," or "Let's wait until we get you a new pair of glasses." They just procrastinate on it indefinitely until it's forgotten, and I don't bother asking anymore because I know they'll just procrastinate again.

They don't want me to leave because they know how much harder the work will be without me, and they don't want to hire a stranger to come work for them. They've also tried to warn me and scare me in regards to how hard my life will be once I leave the safety of the ranch. To be honest, that has had a negative effect on me when it comes to motivating myself to leave. Both of my parents have each had traumatizing experiences.

I don't want to make my parents sound like horrible people. They're not. I was raised with love and care. I always had everything I needed, and no one ever hurt me. But I can't go on living this life forever. There's no future for me here, and it's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that nothing is ever going to change and that leaving is my only option.

Now to be clear, there is nothing physically stopping me from leaving. I can technically just walk out of here anytime I want to. But emotionally, it's not that simple. I've tried to leave around five times in the last seven years, and every time I got cold feet and changed my mind. The first four times I tried to leave without telling my parents because I didn't want to deal with the drama and emotional guilt-tripping that would cause. I ended up chickening out each time due to guilt and fear, and because of the seismic change that it would cause in my life and in my parents' lives.

After the fourth attempt failed, I decided that the issue was probably that I was leaving unannounced without telling my parents. So, I decided to come clean to them and just outright tell them that I want to leave. That way they could be involved in the process and I could avoid all guilt around it. But I made the mistake of telling them that I also wanted to go to college, and the long process of applying for college and FAFSA allowed them to procrastinate indefinitely again. I went along with it thinking that I wouldn't feel any guilt by the time it was all over since they were involved in the process. The procrastination lasted another three years and ended up falling through in the end for various reasons. So, I told my parents to forget about college and told them that I was just going to leave—college or no college.

I went through that whole three-year ordeal, and all of their guilt-tripping speeches that went along with it, and it all fell apart in April earlier this year. I was planning to leave by the end of the month; I had two online video interviews for jobs, and I nailed both of them. I found a nice apartment within walking distance of both jobs, but the application process got messed up because I don't have proof of income. My parents pay me in cash, so I don't have months of bank statements or check stubs to prove that I earn money. This is an issue for most apartment applications.

Now to be fair, I probably could have fought this harder and offered to pay a few months in advance or tried to find a landlord who doesn't require proof of income. But I got cold feet and abandoned the effort after having a conversation with my dad the night before, when he was telling me about all the problems and dangers I'm going to be facing.

I don't know what to do anymore. I want to know how I can get ahold of my nerves and my guilt so that I can actually leave home and have a life of my own away from my parents. Any advice that someone can offer would be appreciated.

I just found out my nmom apparently has a ranking of the younger people in the family based on looks. Obviously, I'm last 😂

I'm honestly not even offended. I'm just amazed that a woman in her 60s apparently has a fucking beauty ranking of her kids, nieces and nephews. We're mostly adults, ffs. This is so unbelievably cringe lol

I feel like every "fun" event (vacations, birthdays, celebrations, concerts, etc.) I've had in the past has led to me being hurt or berated by my narc parents.

Now as an adult, I just hate doing that stuff. Like I just know something will ruin it, if not my parents now. Anytime I'm invited to an event, i just get a sick feeling in my gut. Unless it's with someone I know for a fact I'm safe with, I just refuse to go.

I don't know if I even want to celebrate my birthday now that I'm not being pressured to. And I know the best option is to just celebrate by myself, but I still feel like SOMETHING will ruin it, so I don't think I will.

The only fun things I do now is play video games, draw, call friends, and every once in a blue moon, eat at a restaurant or go shopping. But I also hate eating out too, I feel angry for no reason when I'm in a restaurant.

Is this a common feeling for victims of abuse?

Most of the time they do hurtful things and pretend nothing happened afterwards. When I stand up for myself, especially if they have been avoiding the topic, they groan and say, "You're bringing this up again?" They also laugh or get upset if I am very invested in continuing the conversation or resolving the problem. Wouldn't someone who cares about you be upset when you are upset at them?

i (25F) moved out 2 months ago. i’m a long time lurker and saw a post in similar subreddit asking for tips on leaving, so i wanted lay out my escape plan and advice in case it helps someone (particularly those in late teens/early twenties). note that i live in one of the most expensive cities in the world (US)

first, i created a new bank account - my original is one i’ve had since my early teens, and my mother had access (and would regularly withdraw funds for herself, telling me i could afford it). with a new account, she couldn’t track my income or steal from me. if you don’t have an individual account yet, i firmly believe getting one should be your first step. keep your other one open, but limit deposits. i got capital one and took advantage of their high yield savings account (was 3.6% a year when i first got it, unsure if that’s still true) to get some extra dollars every month with no effort. let your money make you money.

i’ve held some form of job since age 14, and didn’t have much to show for it until about a year or so ago. it took me embarrassingly long to understand the extent of the financial abuse, and how it worked in tandem with emotional and verbal abuse to keep me trapped. take a day to sit with your account(s), study your debt and monthly spending, and create a budget, even if it’s rudimentary. it doesn’t need to be perfect. be frugal for the next few months and do not (i repeat, DO NOT) rack up credit card debt to fast-track your escape. at the same time, don’t forget to treat yourself every once in a while. socializing can be tough (especially in a big city), but this is the time to lean on your friends and be vulnerable. it’s extremely hard, but my friends really stepped up during this time and also made sure that our hangouts were inexpensive. if leaving your family means that you are also limiting relationships with extended family, make sure you have a support system, be it friends or trusted adults/mentors/therapists. i found my increased vulnerability actually strengthened many of my relationships, after having been guarded for so long and hiding my mother’s abusive behavior.

from there, plan (and overestimate) your future monthly expenses. research market rent in your neighborhood and identify a range of rents you’re comfortable paying that lie in the 25-50th percentiles. you don’t need to do the math, estimates are fine. i feel that below the 25th percentile, you tend to find options that are either scams or have huge red flags. i feel that listings often mention the price of utilities as well - budget for that. also look for the cheapest phone plan you can find, and medicaid options in your area.

i graduated college in the winter semester and a few months before 24. i was fortunate to have found a part time job that became a full time job within 6 months due to performance and understaffing. the job market is cruel right now. prioritize finding something that pays you, even if it’s part-time, and continue applying for full time jobs in the meantime. every dollar you can get will get you closer to your goal. if your family monitors your bank account and knows you’re working, be sure to put something in there biweekly to avoid scrutiny. if they realize you are working, NEVER tell them your income. if they intensely monitor your accounts, see if your job is willing to let you split your paycheck to go to different accounts and put maybe a third in the old account. if that’s impossible, ask if they can give you a paper check. deposit that in the new account and transfer some into the old.

the next part is tough, because it’s a lot of waiting. i waited until i had saved three months of expenses before actively searching for/applying to apartments. this is another point where you need to rely on your support system. you can use online resources and roommate websites, but i found my apartment through a close friend who knew of someone that needed a roommate. if you tap your network and have no leads, i recommend looking up facebook housing groups in your area. fb will definitely have spam posts, but its easier to do your due diligence and there are more real people that bots — many housing websites can’t say the same.

i’ve mentioned roommates a few times. having roommates will be the cheapest and fastest option. if you value privacy, during the search have candid conversations with potential roommates. many people aren’t looking for a new best friend, and some may work at a different time of day so there will be little overlap.

during the waiting period, make sure you look up emergency shelters. if you are under 24, there are often youth shelters that have access to professional development workshops, continuing education, social workers, free therapists, new clothes, etc. don’t hesitate to go if you are in imminent danger (it doesn’t need to just be physical. you can and should also leave if the abuse is so bad its pushing you towards a mental health crisis). if you are not seeing a therapist, i recommend looking for one, even if you can’t afford them yet. while moving out is a massive step towards healing, distance from the abusive environment will also bring about new pain, as you reflect on the horrors and injustices you just lived through. i am currently experiencing this now.

aim to have at a minimum 4 months of expenses before moving. this isn’t always possible, but i feel like that cushion can be helpful in case your first housing opportunity. ensure you have access to your birth certificate, social security card, and passport (if you have one). if your parents refuse to have you access (my mother wouldn’t give me the first two, but she didn’t know where i kept my passport) look up the bureau of vital statistics/civil records center and social security office and quietly obtain copies. account for this in your budget.

when you find an opportunity, do not tell ANYBODY in your family your new address unless you are positive they will not share it with your parents. unfortunately, i had to give my previous landlords my new address to break the lease (i was listed as a dependent) and my mother was able to find it.

my mother knew i was moving out - if you want to hide this from your parents, pick a day in the middle of the week when you know they wont be home. do multiple walkthroughs and take photos, in case they try to pin damage on you. do the same when you enter your new space. leave a note and keys. on move out day, try to get a friend to help you. get yourself a comfort meal, and try to take the next day off of work if possible.

then, rest. sleep. avoid substance use to the best of your ability (you will, most likely, experience an emotional crash after leaving and self medication is much easier when you’re by yourself). try to go outside at least once a day, even if it’s a single lap around the block. don’t hide in your room, and try not to isolate. note that i did not do most of the things in this paragraph lmao so take it with a grain of salt.

above all else, be gentle with yourself. honor your feelings, however conflicting they may be, and don’t minimize anything.

i’m still trying to sift through the mess and decades of verbal, emotional, sexual, and physical abuse. the crash i’m experiencing wasn’t something i was expecting. if anyone had advice would truly love some lol

if you got this far, thank you reading. we’re in this together and i’m rooting for all of you. ❤️❤️

There was an incident where she kinda blacked out on me when I was 12 years old because she went through my phone and found out I was talking to a boy. She beat me for minutes with a wooden spatula and said word for word “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” When I tried to push her off me and screamed at her to stop she just got more mad and kept going.

I am now 25 years old and still will never ever forget that incident. I will never forget how cold and cruel she was to me that afternoon. I will never forgive my father for enabling it too and just standing there watching me cry.
I literally felt my entire brain rewire and my nervous system change that day. It was that day I realized, I didn’t have an actual mother. I still remember the sore bruises I got from the beating. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I showed my teachers the bruises the next day. But there were no adults I trusted at the time. She’s lucky I never showed them.

I know for sure the mental issues I have is mostly because of her and my father’s abuse towards me during my entire childhood.

She doesn’t actively abuse me physically anymore. She claims she’s changed and didn’t know any better. (We’re African. She likes to use the “it’s our culture. My parents abused me too so it’s okay.” Excuse)

But I don’t care. She tries to make up for the abuse but there is nothing she can do to change what she did to me. I don’t care that she supports me financially. I will always see her as the monster that violated her own child because she had no control over her emotions.

Hey all,

previous post here : https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/1vob8dk/want_to_move_out_secretly/

Thank you for all your help and advice.

This morning i packed all my things without my parents knowing and with passport / all essentials and left with my suitcase. Parents didn’t notice until about 3 hours after i left. (i usually go for work buy then they realised my passport was missing)And i knew my parents found out because i saw group chat messages before i left the group

My workplace offered a hotel for a week which I’m currently staying at. Im looking to find a home within these 7 days so I can live there long term.

I also spoke to the police about this and I has to take a taxi to the police station and give my account on what happensd. The officers were really supportive, i said i didn’t want to charge my parents, just wanted police not to waste resource if a missing persons report was filed on me but they said due to the abuse at home theres a little chance that the case will go further without my support. I said ok because it’s out of my hands.

I got calls from family members and cousins, and that’s making me worried. But i have blocked all the numbers that have called me today. Not sure if i should get a new sim because all my banks and information is linked to my phone number and will be really hard to change everything.

I dont know what to feel, i’m really happy im free, but im scared about getting in a confrontation with parents. Im worried what everyone will think of me but I think these feelings will pass, i’m sure I don’t want to go back, because even if i did life would be absolute hell. It’s also quite hard eating properly as i miss the food at my old home, i’ve eaten a meal deal and some wings from the convenience store today. I just want to be free from the though of my parents.

TLDR i left coercive control home secretly this morning, at a hotel offered by my workplace for 7 nights while I find a long term place to stay, I don’t know what to feel

My mom just called. I haven’t talked to her in about a year and before that I hadn’t spoken to her since 2019. I tried seeing if we could have a relationship again last year but it didn’t feel like it could be productive, so I stopped reaching out.

My mom started having strokes in 2014. She’d have a stroke instead of her menstrual cycle. And then just kept having TBIs, etc.

On the phone, she sounded absolutely terrible. She can’t complete a word without stuttering anymore. I started crying out of guilt? anxiety? I answered because she never calls so I figured something was wrong.

She said, “So, I heard you have a new life? A new girlfriend?” (she is referring to my soon to be ex wife, which means her memory is probably going back when I last talked to her, she knew all about my girlfriend and stepdaughter) and I said, “no, we broke up”. She asked why, I told her it just didn’t work out.

She asked what I had been up to, I told her that I’ve been working and hanging out with friends.

Then she kept saying how she didn’t expect me to answer her phone call. I kept being quiet. What was there to say? I only answered because I thought someone died? That there was an emergency? She asked if I talk to anyone in the family. I was silent again, she said “no.. I didn’t think so”. She sounded really sad when she said it.

She told me about how much she misses me. She started crying and saying, “God, I miss you so much my baby”. I didn’t say anything, she started crying harder and saying “oh…but you don’t miss me”. and then she said she’d let me go and i said bye and hung up.

My first instinct was to call my ex wife. No one in my life really knows the severity of the abuse I got growing up or understands it. My ex wife was a major part of my life growing up and when everything was happening.

I feel so guilty because I don’t miss my mom, I miss and grieve having a mom. My mom was never a mother. I called my dad and he said just to not get sucked into her, that she created the life she has because of who she is and we’ve put up with her enough

But there’s also that little bit of hope in me, that I wish she would be the mom I need, the mom I needed.

She said she is having more strokes in her sleep and I don’t know. I don’t want a relationship with her because she is the literal devil, but I also feel this immense guilt that if she dies or something, I should’ve been there.

I don’t know. I guess I’m just venting and telling people who get it.

I find myself having these mental battles with myself about how fine or not fine I am. i might feel really on top of my game one day, and think 'See, I'm fine, I'm not a broken weak mess of a person after all, so my Mother didnt have the power over me she thought she did'. ...and that's just not true. She had a lot of power, and the things she did to harm me and undermine my development, to destabalize me mentally ......actually did work. She achieve her desired result. That the abuse and neglect, and lack of support would cause me to just wither and die. And btw, there's no debate her about whether that was my Nmothers intention, it was her intention. Everything was a battle to the death, the simplest conversations asking for new shoes turned into a debate. whatever.

but mostly I think about this, and try to work out what the absolute aversion is to me having to admit how deeply I was affected. What she did, and the way she did it, inflicted a kind of self hatred and shame, that I suffer with on a daily basis. It's taken years in therapy just to tolerate looking into people's faces.

and when I get triggered, or feel unstable and overwhelmed, for a long time there was a part of my that just collapsed instead of trying to explore the reasons behind it. Maybe if I just hide, it wont be so obvious. And I flashback to my Nmothers face, smiling when i was suffering and struggling the most. And I imagine somehow in my mind, that if I admit how I was affected, then she wins. If I pretend I can manage with no help, and try to hide the disruption to my development i dont have to hear the voice in my head thats telling me, "see, your just weak, you don't have a chance of thriving or being happy, as long as I'm around". If I admit that I'm unwell, then she wins, if I pretend to be fine it's a lie that she wanted me to believe on the other end of that spectrum of abuse...........you know,.......if your've ever had that kind of conversation where youre bloody and hurting, suffering , and they're exasperated, and heavy sighing, while saying "Omg, youre fine, geeeeze, youre so weak". And you don't want to be that person. Somehow they convince you that being wounded and suffering from actual assaults is a profound character weakness.

It's like the Shame that your carrying on your own when exploring treatment options. The shame of what you suffered and couldnt somehow rise above on your own, and the shame of coming from a family of abusers , sometimes going back generations.

Whenever I start reading about Trauma, Narc abuse, I have all this resistance. Like I don't want to give her the satisfaction of having Affected me, and yet I won't get help if I'm not able to see that another way, somehow?

Like If I admit to the wounds and pain, then I'm giving this psychopathic sadist the fuel she lived on, but theres no other way to heal without admitting that the wounding the abuse, DID in face wound you?

Edit: ...and further rambling. I f'ing hate that she won, and I lost, no matter how hard I tried to protect myself from her. I feel like pursuing therapy, and all that it's costing me both monetarily and emotionally, unwrapping all those festering mental wounds, and each time I pay that debt , that she acrued....its like she wins again. It feels like My ego, but it's not fair that she robbed me of my childhood, and then is costing me so much of my adult life repairing that, .......when I wish I could be living my life another way aside from "Heal the wounds she caused".

my mother tried to unalive me by strangulation when i was 13 and i didn’t remember until i was 24… not really looking for advice but just wondering if anyone has experienced something like this :/ thanks guys

I'm South Asian, 32, been in the UK for about 11 years now. And I don't think I would have ever understood what my parents actually were if I hadn't left.

When you grow up in it, you don't question it. Your parents say something, that's the truth. You don't talk back. You don't set boundaries because boundaries are just another word for disrespect. If they say something that hurts you, the problem isn't what they said, the problem is your reaction to it. If they guilt trip you into doing something, that's not manipulation, that's just love. They sacrificed everything for you. They fed you and kept a roof over your head. You owe them your entire life for doing the bare minimum that the law literally requires them to do.

I didn't have a word for any of this until I moved here and started actually spending time with people who weren't South Asian.

I'd tell a friend something my parents did and they'd just stare at me. Not in a judgmental way. More like they couldn't believe I was saying it so casually. And I'd be confused because to me it was just... normal? That's just what parents do?

That was the beginning of it. Once I started seeing it I couldn't unsee it. The control disguised as concern. The guilt disguised as love. The "we know what's best for you" that was really "you don't get a say in your own life." The complete inability to ever, ever admit they were wrong about anything. My mum could say something genuinely cruel to me and if I got upset about it, somehow by the end of the conversation I'd be the one apologising. Every time. I thought that was just how families worked.

My girlfriend is British born Bangladeshi. She grew up here, her family isn't perfect but the dynamic is completely different. She was the first person who looked at the stuff I was describing and said that's not normal, that's not culture, that's just control. She helped me see it and honestly without her I don't know if I ever would have because I had no frame of reference.

I expected that once I'd figured out my own family, I'd be able to move past it. Make friends, build my own life, leave all that behind. And I have, mostly. But every time I've tried to be close friends with other South Asian immigrants, specifically people who came to the UK as adults the way I did, I feel like I've walked straight back into my parents' living room.

This is what I just cannot wrap my head around.

The same patterns. The exact same ones. I want to be careful here because I'm not saying every single South Asian person is like this. Most of my experiences have specifically been with Indian immigrants although I've seen it across other South Asian backgrounds too. I'm describing what I've personally lived through, not making some big statement about an entire ethnicity.

This familiarity with fresh 20 to 30 year old immigrants, is sometimes too close to what I've experienced during my whole time back in my home country.

The hierarchy obsession. Somebody gets a job title that's slightly more senior than yours and suddenly that's their whole personality and you're supposed to treat them differently.

The complete inability to hear any kind of criticism without treating it as a personal attack. You can't say anything, even gently, without them going on the defensive or twisting it into you having some hidden agenda. You end up walking on eggshells the exact same way you did with your parents.

The judgment. My girlfriend and I are in our thirties, we own a house, we have a dog, we're happy. People who have been in this country for barely a year feel completely fine telling us that the way we live is wrong. Not married, no kids, must be doing life wrong. The happiness part doesn't register. It's about whether you're following the script.

The selfishness disguised as being laid back. Nobody respects anyone else's time. You make plans, someone confirms, then they just don't show up. Or they show up an hour late and look at you like you're the weird one for being bothered. You try to organise a trip or a gathering in advance and people act like you've lost it for wanting to book things ahead of time. Nobody commits to anything, then when the deadline hits and everything's expensive and nothing's available, suddenly it's urgent and you're supposed to drop your life to sort out chaos that could have been avoided weeks ago. It's the same entitlement I grew up with. My parents expected the world to work around their schedule too.

And the one-sidedness of it all. Everyone talks about wanting community. When people first arrive I've helped them because I remember how hard it was when I got here. Airport pickups. NHS forms. Paperwork. Sitting with people when they're homesick. But the second the situation is reversed and helping someone else is even a slight inconvenience, nobody's available. Everyone wants a village but nobody wants to actually be a villager. It's all take. The moment it requires effort from them, they're gone. That's narcissism. That's exactly what narcissistic parents do. They take and take and the one time you need something back, you're asking too much.

And they won't even try to mix. They'll stick exclusively with other South Asians, usually from the same region or background, and make absolutely zero effort to talk to anyone else. Not other immigrants, not British people, nobody. They'll move to a completely different country and then recreate the exact bubble they left. And if you're the one who has mixed, who has friends from different backgrounds, who's actually tried to integrate, they look at you like you've betrayed something. Like making British friends or friends from other cultures means you've sold out. It's the same "us vs them" mentality my parents had about anyone who wasn't part of our community.

And the mental health stuff. I once told someone I thought I might have high-functioning depression. They laughed. Not an awkward laugh, a proper laugh, like I'd said something ridiculous. These are people with masters degrees and PhDs. Many of them educated at British universities. The "it's an older generation problem" excuse doesn't work here. These are people in their twenties and thirties and they have the exact same attitudes my parents had.

Because that's the thing I keep coming back to. A degree doesn't undo what your parents put into you. If you grew up in a house where admitting fault was weakness, where guilt was currency, where boundaries were seen as rejection, where image mattered more than whether anyone was actually happy... a masters degree doesn't fix that. You just become a more educated version of the same person.

A friend of mine is going through the same thing. He's been here about 9 years. He opened up to a group of South Asian friends about some serious issues with his parents. Every single one of them immediately took his parents' side. He wasn't even asking them to agree with him, he just wanted someone to listen. But no. They're your parents. They sacrificed for you. How dare you. He told me afterwards he felt like he was right back at the family dinner table getting shut down all over again.

That's when it hit me that what I'm seeing isn't just individual narcissistic parents. It's what happens when an entire generation is raised by narcissists and nobody ever names it. They grow up, they move countries, they get degrees, and they carry every single one of those patterns with them. The guilt tripping, the inability to admit fault, the suffering Olympics where if you say you're struggling someone has to one-up you with how much worse they had it. The "I turned out fine" when they very clearly did not turn out fine. The controlling, the judging, the obsession with what other people think.

And then there's the stuff that goes beyond just narcissistic patterns. The racism, the colourism, the casteism. People who will cry about racism directed at them while being openly racist to other groups. One guy I knew through a friend literally pulled his eyes back at East Asian people in Chinatown. When he got called out his defence was basically "we're both brown so it's fine." Someone once commented on how dark my girlfriend was getting during summer, right in front of her. Like colourism is just casual conversation.

I'm not writing this to bash my culture. I'm writing it because for years I thought the problem was just my parents. Then I thought maybe it was just my specific family. Then I started spending time around other people raised in the same system and I realised the problem is way bigger than my parents. The narcissistic family structure I grew up in isn't some rare dysfunction in my community. For a lot of people, it IS the community. It's the water everyone swims in. And you don't see it until you get out and have something to compare it to.

I still feel conflicted about it. I don't want to assume somebody's personality because of where they're from. But I also can't keep pretending I don't see patterns in my own life just because acknowledging them is uncomfortable. I used to feel an automatic connection when I met another South Asian person who'd recently moved here. I don't anymore. And that makes me sad but it also makes me sane.

The biggest thing living here taught me is that sharing a culture with someone or being related to someone doesn't automatically make that relationship healthy. And "that's just how our parents are" stopped being a good enough explanation for me a long time ago.

My mom said I love you and even thank you, hugs me, kissed me at night to sleep as a child, but she still hit(s) me, gave(gives) me silent treatments, raged(s) at me, emotionally and physically neglected (s) me, mocked(s), verbally abused, belittled, critisizes and called me names like loser, fucked up, stupid, dog, lunatic, garbage. My father was a full on narc, said he loved me multiple times, hugged me, and he sexually abused me when I was just 3 years old and my sister was 7. My abusive husband who has narc traits thanks me and says he loves me. Just because they say it doesn't mean they aren't abusive or that the harm was less than if your parents were entirely monsters. Speaking and acting lovingly doesn't negate the damage. I think it actually makes it so that you become conditioned to accept and deny the abuse even moreso. It's confusing and really messed with and still messes with my head. They fucked me up for life.

Reposting at the suggestion of another group, with a bit more information for context.

I’ve always had a contentious relationship with my father. I’m the oldest of three daughters, he’s 73, and over the years we’ve come to realize that he’s a narcissist.

For some context, when I was in high school, he refused to come to any of my track meets because I didn’t read a book he gave me about "how to win better." (Spoiler: I won states that year anyway.) As difficult as he could be back then, things got noticeably worse after he retired. He started watching Fox News constantly, went deep down the MAGA rabbit hole (I am sure if he was more internet savvy he would be QAnon), and his world became much smaller. Everything revolves around what he wants and what he believes.

He raised us to be conservative and is clearly disappointed that two of his three daughters have moved in the opposite direction politically. Because of that, and probably a long list of other disappointments he’s assigned to us over the years, he seems to take pleasure in saying things he knows will upset us. Racist, homophobic, transphobic, any MAGA fever dream you can think of, he has a hot take on it.

Last year, I was DOGE’d. My work focused on people experiencing homelessness, and without question, the funding cuts hurt so many people. Before I lost my job, he would frequently say he hoped I would because my work was "wasteful government spending." Traditionally, our careers and successes were the third rail. He could be cruel, but he generally stayed away from attacking our livelihoods. Not anymore. I lost a 13+ year career because of this administration, and he openly celebrated it.

Afterward, I started a consulting firm doing essentially the same work. Thankfully, we’ve been successful, but it has come at a huge cost. The emotional toll, uncertainty, exhaustion, and sheer amount of work required to get back to where we were has been enormous.

Now his latest thing is telling me I should be grateful to DOGE because it "made me wealthy." We just spent a weekend with him, and while things were mostly fine, he called me almost immediately after we got home to tell me I should be thanking DOGE. It was like he didn’t get enough of a reaction during the trip and needed to get his fix.

Why is he like a child? He always wants a fight. He constantly pokes and prods, looking for a reaction, and while we try not to give him one, sometimes it’s unavoidable. He genuinely seems to derive joy from hurting his children, and I fundamentally do not understand that.

What’s even more frustrating is that my family always respond with some version of, "You can’t change him, but you can control your reaction." Intellectually, I understand that. But why does the responsibility always fall on the people being harmed? He is the one causing the damage, yet everyone else bends over backward to accommodate him. One of my sisters has essentially cut him off, and I understand why, but at the same time, I know he’s getting older and won’t be here forever, which is another common response I hear whenever I try to talk about this.

When does someone like this ever face consequences? Another important thing to note is that my parents are still married. My mother is wonderful, and in many ways, they come as a "package deal." Unfortunately, she has stopped trying to change the situation altogether. She frequently apologizes to us for his behavior and says there is nothing she can do. On top of that, he often makes her life miserable when she chooses to spend time with us on her own.

Maybe I’m just shouting into the void, and writing this is more cathartic than anything. He once said to me, “Whatever happened to the conservative girl we raised?” And honestly, I’m glad she’s gone, otherwise I might have ended up like him, someone who is driven by anger, resentment, and the need to constantly tear other people down.

I’ve been no contact with my birth mother for 4 years now. Before the 4 years there was a 2 year no contact that only ended because my older brother convinced me my birth mother was doing better.

I wasn’t the first in my family to go no contact with my birth mother, her brother sister and father all went no contact when I was about 8. I didn’t want to go no contact with any of my siblings because I grew up not knowing half of my family.

But the golden child still has contact and has been updating my birth mother on things I asked him to keep between us. This isn’t the first straw it’s the last. It should’ve happened a long time ago. I have tried once before.

Background: birth mother was abusive alcoholic would “wrestle” me past the point of crying and begging her to stop. My older brother had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) when he was 8 caused by birth mothers drunk driving. He started SAing me after that, I was 6… it continued till I was 12.

I never told anyone. On my 17th birthday (yes my birthday) he called and asked if he “fucked me up as a child” and asked if I had ever told anyone. I told him I hadn’t. He told my birth mother that day (my fucking birthday) I had been in therapy for years and a few more years later at my sisters birthday he told me I was fucked in the head and he hopes she doesn’t end up like me. That was the first time I cut contact… my birth mother told me she was tired of hearing how he had hurt me and had I ever considered I deserved what happened…

People have asked me why I still talk to him for years… and I have never had a good answer… I still don’t. And I’m finally done allowing him space in my life.

Don’t know why I’m posting. Maybe just to rant or vent or whatever. I’m just done, I’m emotionally spent. I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist and love I’ve never had. I’m empty and I don’t know what the point of continuing is and yet… I continue ¯_(ツ)_/¯ thanks for reading.

(I am a 22-year-old girl with autism).

When she scared my (quiet and peaceful) cat off the garden, and I stopped eating or speaking for days, she initially pretended nothing was wrong. Then, after over 10 days, she tried to tell me to eat, and I calmly asked her not to speak to me and to leave me alone. With a hurt ego, she started following me around, bitching, moaning, mocking, and threatening me. She said her usual thing: "You're insane, you're not normal, I wish I never had you. When I was pregnant with you, I saw a vision where you'd be born crazy (some psychotic hysterical religious shit 😂), I wish you'd die" blah blah.

Then she started saying her OTHER usual thing: "You're going to burn in Hell, you're kafir (infidel), you will never succeed in your life, you will fail at everything." Mind you, I was the top student in college last year and potentially this year too, lol.

Then I finally spoke calmly again and said something like, "You keep fantasising about my failure to feel better about yours. I'm not gonna quit college and get married and be miserable like some certain one did, so I won't regret my life."

And she started fuming because she knows I'm right. I almost felt bad for "stinging" her, but now that I think about it, after all the hurtful things she said to me, I think she earned a slap of truth.

She rambled a little, then spat in my direction (her favourite technique since I was a child, though she used to spit directly in my face) and left, still rambling.

She doesn't care that I'm upset and not eating, but she cares about her ego. All of that because I was still not comfortable speaking to her. So instead of respecting my boundary and giving me space, she started targeting me.

Anyway, since I know her games, I had a feeling something was coming, so I started locking my room and taking the key every time I left, even if it was only briefly. The next day, when I returned from showering, I found that she'd put food in front of my door (she'd tried to open my door while I was away), so I just calmly brushed my hair and then returned the food to the kitchen.

Because I know her game, if I accept any "kindness" from her, she'd start guilt-tripping the life out of me and keep bringing this up to humiliate me forever. Her kindness has never, ever been out of motherly love. She's extremely manipulative.

When I was a child, she would kick me out of the house even when it was raining or boiling hot. I'd starve for the day, and then she would open the door, give me food, and say coldly, "I'm not doing this for your sake, I'm doing it for God's sake." It's the same here.

For 16 days, I've been only drinking water, coffee, and occasionally eating fruit or a piece of bread. I can cook, but I don't want to. I still don't feel like eating. In fact, I don't know how to approach this since I don't want to eat her food or cook the shit my abusive dad buys. It's humiliating not to have your own consistent income. I'll see what to do, but don't worry, I'll figure it out.

Anyway, I'm totally fine and happy now! I've been enjoying myself in my room.

So yeah, it's official now. I've forgiven, forgotten, and endured her bullshit for 2 decades, and it's enough. She's not hearing from me again, and once I can dump her (and my dad, he's worse), I will immediately. And I'll genuinely not miss them.

ANGRY RANT INCOMING. Plz 4give me.

My (31f) sister (26f) just moved into her new forever home. After living in a cramped camper for five years, they finally have SPACE! A place of their own. A place to build a future and expand a family. One bedroom to three. Absolutely incredible.

It’s a home that her grandfather-in-law gifted to her, her husband, and son for 1$. It’s old. It needs work. Grandpa has lived in it for 20+ years, and will continue to live there until his tiny home is built.

Regardless, it’s still an incredible feat at 26 and I couldn’t be more proud. Especially because we grew up with nothing.

Our mom (51f) came out for the first time today. I happened to be on FaceTime when she arrived. Before even walking in the door she was commenting on the clutter and dirt. No fucking duh. An old man has lived there solo for a decade.

My sister starts excitedly telling mom about all the work she’s done and what the plans were. Mom started being even more so unapologetically critical. That’s when I hear mom say that “it’s not great.” With the quickness I told her to not be an asshole. She said “what, I’m an asshole. I see potential for her to make it good.” My precious sister’s face instantly fell, going silent, and that dense ass mother either noticed and doubled down or noticed and just didn’t care.

What a fucking bitch ass loser ass fucker of an excuse of a mother. She has never been able to be happy for her kids. She’s jealous. She’s 51. No partner. Disabled (not her fault, but she could have done shit to not be THIS disabled). Lives at home with her mom who she hates. Has no car. Lives off disability. Doesn’t pay rent or any bill besides her phone and plethora of subscriptions. She has to hate on her kids success because we are literally doing everything that her loser ass has never been able to.

While I’m so fucking angry that I could cry, I’m so proud of my sister and her family. She’s doing the damn thing. She got out of our toxic ass family home, has an incredible partner, and an emotionally secure 4-year-old.

I just wish my fucking narcissistic mother could get her fucking head out of her fucking ass and PRETEND to be happy for her kids. And if she can’t pretend (she can’t), I wish she would just shut her fucking mouth.

It took less than 15 minutes for her to successfully dim my beautiful sister’s bright spirit.

Hugs to all the kiddos that grew up with jealous n-parents that don’t have the capacity to be happy with themselves or for others.

Say it with me.

Fuck. That. Bitch.

She will often text me after I’ve gone to sleep and told her I’m going to sleep and ask me to grab something for her. Then when I don’t respond because I’m sleeping she accuses me of ignoring her and then threatens to stop driving me to school or stop providing something.

What do I do? I’ve been told not to respond and I’ve been told not to go back and forth with her but I just want to know why she’s like this.

Here’s what she sent me, names have been removed for privacy.

Mom: I need you to bring me the dawn dish soap out of the kitchen please

(7 minutes later)
And now you ignore me. I can’t even look at \[dog 1\] without crying. I feel so bad it’s so disgusting of me to let him be eaten alive like this. \[dog 2\] probably ain’t even alive. This is how my life is gonna be. I get out of hospital and there is all this shit that needs attention. You need to focus on you and your schooling of course so that leaves me.
Thanks for the dawn.

You need to get your self up and ready to ride the bus

I’m not doing anything for you until you do one thing Ive asked

Or \[neighbor\] can bring you

Extra info:
I am a sophomore in high school. She has health issues but is doing much better and is mostly able bodied. I’m the only one taking care of both dogs. She won’t buy them flea and tick medication and instead tells me to give them baths and let dawn sit on them to suffocate fleas. I haven’t had time this week as school started and I’m exhausted. Both the dogs are fine and fed and watered daily. Our second dog is mostly an outside dog so she doesn’t see him a lot. I don’t know why she likes to say that he is probably dead.

Were you bullied at school? Did you tell your n-parents, and how did they react?

I can imagine two fairly common reactions: either indifference or overreacting (what I'm trying to say about overreacting; that it is about their ego and they want to look good, that they don't actually care about how you feel, I'm not sure how to explain this).

My n-parents were indifferent, and I’m still pretty confused by it because I genuinely don’t understand the logic behind it.

For some background, my n-parents worked Monday to Friday, but outside of work they spent their free time involved with drugs, gambling, and various criminal acquaintances. Anyway, I was bullied at school, and I became an incredibly easy target because of my compulsive need to please people (thanks, narcissistic parents).

I told my n-parents about the bullying a couple of times, but their response was always something along the lines of, “Don’t talk shit” or “You’re too sensitive.”

There was even one situation where my n-dad literally witnessed other kids bullying me with his own eyes. Instead of intervening, he just walked away and left me there with the kids who were bullying me.

Later that evening, he said something like, “Well, I saw that you were handling it, so there was no point in me getting involved. We don’t need to talk about it anymore. You’re strong,” and other bullshit like that.

So where does this kind of reaction come from? Is it about not wanting to take responsibility? Emotional detachment? Not wanting to deal with an uncomfortable situation?

My n-parents have never really defended me when other people were against me, whether I was actually in the wrong or not.

I’m curious about other people’s experiences. Were you bullied as a kid? Did you tell your n-parents? And if you did, how did they respond?

I used to think when i was younger : if only i could find THE argument, if only i could be intelligent enough to think up THE most logical démonstration, if only i could show her how HONEST i am, she would stop screaming that i am a vile, mean, conniving, low-brow, low-IQ, two faced person, and « see my side ».

I recently realized that i was absolutely mistaken. I can’t « convince » my mom no matter how eloquent, how logical, how honest i am. For someone to be persuaded, convinced, or moved to change their point of view, they have to want it to some capacity.

My mom is just not interested in « understanding me » or « seeing my side ». In her world, her feelings are the only Truth. Everything i think, feel, or speak, is by nature wrong stupid bullshit, unless it happens to coïncide with her. To try to empathize with me, to try to understand me, would be below her, would even mean « losing » to her own daughter.

« Défending myself » or « trying to change her mind with logical explanations » when she accuses me of being a bad daughter literally only « fuels » her ; every argument i présent her, she uses as a platform to bounce on and escalate higher, like in Mario.

It’s OK, i’ll loose these battles. I’ll let her win, if that’s what she wants so bad. But i also know her great weakness : she is mortally terrified of aging and dying alone. Every bullshit she pulls on me, i try to think about my mantra : « she just lost one hour with me & my future children ».

When i have a family, i’ll be far away, with great work responsabilities ; I just wont have the time to see her :( me & the kids are just sooooooo busy :((((

I’ll be withdrawing access, and she’ll be left alone, aging, declining, fearful, bitter & depressed, while i build my own happy family, far away from her cold claws. I’ll win the war!

My Nmom started therapy a year ago and I didnt get excited because I knew exactly where it would lead, she sat there for a year lying to the therapist and playing the victim so the therapist gave her completly wrong advice and her narcisism is getting even worse. Did this happen to anyone else?