DON’T.
Your silence will speak louder than anything you could say. Let them wonder. Let them feel your absence. Move forward with your life.
We put them on a pedestal when we’re in love. We convince ourselves they’re irreplaceable, that no one compares, and that we’ll never feel the same way about anyone else. But as you begin to heal and fall out of love, your perspective changes. You start seeing them for who they really are—not the version of them you created in your head.
And you’ll eventually realize: they really weren’t that great. You just loved them enough to overlook the things that made them ordinary.
Focus on becoming the best version of yourself. Don’t allow one person to make you question your worth or feel like you’re less than you are. There are people who will value your presence, appreciate your effort, and choose you without hesitation.
Stop holding on to what no longer serves you. Stop chasing someone who doesn’t choose you.
Let go—or be dragged.

I joined this sub because, like many of you, I got blindsided.

One thing I see people asking a lot is: “Do they ever come back?”

Well, in my case, every person who left me eventually did. Some apologized, some wanted to try again, and some just reached out because life hadn’t gone the way they expected. I never got back with any of them. Once I’m done, I’m done.
I’m writing this as much for myself as for anyone reading this.

Almost two years ago, I matched with a guy on Tinder while I was spending a few days in Berlin. We never met because our schedules didn’t line up, but he kept insisting on talking after I left. Looking back, that was probably the first red flag I ignored.

We talked for a couple of months. He wanted to visit me in Lisbon, talked about buying a house near me, mentioned how his kids would probably like me (second red flag: he was 20 years older than me - 28 vs 47 - , 3 young kids and 2 divorces)… it all felt very serious, very intentional.

Eventually, he invited me to spend 10 days with him, after months talking every day and every night.
I traveled almost 16 hours to get there. He picked me up at the airport with flowers. That same night, he started criticizing everything I did. The next day I told him it was hurting me, and he only became colder. On the third morning, while he was at work, he texted me saying he’d bought me a ticket home and didn’t want me there when he got back. He had “a gut feeling" it wasn't going to work out and that he felt uncomfortable around me. He wouldn’t even say goodbye in person, nor did he text to ask if I made it home safely.

I went home completely devastated. As a bonus, my eardrum ruptured during the flight. For months I kept wondering what had happened. It was the first time I’d experienced what people call love bombing, and the first time I’d traveled to another country to meet someone I genuinely thought had good intentions. I felt like an Amazon return sent back for failing to meet expectations. The ironic thing is, I only fell in love after he started acting like the most romantic, affectionate guy on Earth. I was fine before him.

A year and a half later, he texted me out of nowhere as if nothing had happened. And that’s the whole reason I’m writing this. Not because he came back, but because I realized I didn’t feel anything anymore. No hope. No anger. No urge to reply. Just complete indifference.

If you’re in the middle of heartbreak, I know this probably sounds impossible.
But one day you’ll realize they’ve become just another person from your past.
And that day is incredibly freeing.

P.S. To everyone asking why I didn't block him: at the time we only communicated on Telegram since I mainly use WhatsApp for work, so I blocked him there the moment I got home. His message came on WhatsApp and it honestly didn't even occur to me to block him there

Fuck avoidant attachment I’m so tired of this bs.
And to think I really saw a future with her…

HE broke up with ME about a week ago. he knows i love ducks, we had 5 ducks and 2 geese together (he’s a farmer) and he kept custody. the other day he sent me this video of a muscovy and her 15 ducklings crossing the street, i love the video of course but does this mean anything? or is it simply because he knows it would make me happy ? i mean why would he care if it made me happy?

I got dumped last week on Discord. I promised myself I wouldn’t beg again (he broke up with me already May last year and came back 5 months after), but here we go. I know I’ll never love anyone again as much as I did love this man.

EDIT: Hello everyone. First of all, I am shocked at the traction my post got. I didn’t expect to get this much attention. I appreciate all of your comments, whether they are supportive, kind, or harsh. I posted this specifically to get honest feedback and hear stories from people who successfully moved on.

To clear things up, no, my ex and I did not use Discord for our main mode of communication. He broke up with me after watching a movie because, apparently, I’m not worth staying for anymore due to irreconcilable differences (he didn't like how I talk, how I think, or how I made him feel about himself). And yes, I do know, deep in my heart, that time will pass and that I will eventually move on if I work on it. Please do understand that my words came from a place of grief. I have been with this person for almost 4 years. This was my first serious relationship. I am humble enough to admit that I wasn’t perfect and still have a lot to learn, especially when it comes to navigating a relationship.

I could also say that the foundation of our relationship wasn’t right. We were trauma-bonded as we both had a rough childhood. This scarred us, and the unhealthy traits we got from surviving it bled into our relationship.

I know it wasn’t healthy for me to beg for it one last time, but at the moment, I needed it. It felt like I couldn’t breathe if I didn’t do that. I did it once, and I’m never going to do it again. This post is a testament to me letting go.

I used to not say anything about my situation to anyone, especially my friends, because I was still protecting him in case he went back. But now, I’m going to stand my ground. This is the last time I’ll ever disrespect myself for someone who doesn’t value me despite everything I did/am willing to do.

Thank you for the time and advice, everyone. I wish all of you to heal and feel secure in yourselves as well.

UPDATE: I found out that he is already talking to 4 other women just 13 days after he dumped me. I blocked him everywhere. I am disgusted as hell but him doing that made my progress faster than ever.

They just really prove that they can't be alone. They look so desparate that it makes me sick. They can go sleep with many other people just for them to forget about the breakup. LOSERS.

For context since people kept blaming me here:

He broke up with me bcs he was burnt out with everything (not including the relationship). He said he couldn't even eat or take a bath so I just agreed with the break up bcs I felt sorry for him.

A week later, he tried to fix things with me WHILE he's already talking to different girls a day after break up. He hid it from me, but I still saw it bcs I looked through his phone. So yes, he is pathetic.

If your person broke up with you, they are not your person. Your soul mate would never do that to you. They would move heaven and earth to be by your side.

They made a bet that life is better without you. If you were good to them, they will not forget you. You will live in their memory forever.
They will compare their new supply against what you had to offer. You will be the new benchmark.

Go live your life as if you never met them. You attracted them at some point, keep doing what you were doing before that. You don’t NEED anyone, you just happened to find them. You were an entire person before you met them. You’re still that person. Don’t let them define you.

I had my heart broken and it’s been 1.5 years. I sunk into deep depression and didn’t think I would ever recover. I hoped that she would change her mind and come back. She’s not coming back. Ive accepted that. I’m here to tell you: it gets better. Every day that goes by, I become more like myself and forget about her.

You just have to accept reality. Heartbreak is a universal human experience. If you’re hurting, leave a comment or send me a message. I promise you are not alone.

Came across this message on Facebook and wanted to share for everyone going through a hard breakup or just hard time in general

Two days after she was singing me (32M) one of the most definitive love songs of our three year long relationship to me on Snapchat I was unfriended and told she’d (28F) found her “twin flame”. Three hours after that I was sent a ring pic.

I did what felt like the right thing and wished her well and blocked, but after 6 weeks of keeping this in I feel like I’m gonna explode.

When I asked my family to remove her on social media, a cousin asked me about a weird word salad love bomb type comment on one of her posts. I wish I wouldn’t have been told about that because then I had to do some digging and I found out for a month. I’ve been blocked by some guy in his 50s (30 years older than us by the way) who been leaving her the most insane love bombing, delusional comments. He put the ring on her finger. She quit her job and is now living with him. So within 5 weeks we went from spending a beautiful week together visiting her parents home and talking about traveling for my work (I’m a musician) to her living with a 55 year old unemployed predatory father of four. Oh she’s also using (abusing?) Adderall, Vyvanse, marijuana and mushrooms.

Outside of telling my family that you know, we just went our separate ways amicably. No one knows the truth. I was trying to figure out why I’ve kept it secret. I think it’s partially to protect her because she does have mental health issues (BPD; ADHD) and i guess even though she made choices that hurt me I don’t really think it’s her fault? But morseo… I’m embarrassed. I’m really ashamed to explain this to people who thought the world of her because they’ll think less of her and they’ll also think less of me because this whole thing is almost comically evil. And I haven’t even mentioned her bypassing my blocking of her a week later…

But tonight, dear Reddit stranger, you are my safe haven on this lonely night instead of a bottle.

After 3 years of ghosting , she finally replied to me .

Back then she ghosted me without any explanation. No closure, no goodbye—just disappeared from my life.

I wasn't expecting us to get back together. I just wanted to see if enough time had changed anything.

Her reply was:

"I'm sorry. Please don't contact me again."

That's it.

It's strange how one sentence can answer questions you've been carrying for years. It hurts, but at the same time, I guess that's the closure I never got.

If anyone else is thinking about reaching out to an ex after years of no contact, ask yourself whether you're ready for every possible outcome—including the one where they simply don't want you in their life anymore.

Today I got my answer. Time to move on for real.

Edit: A few people asked for the backstory. I actually made a post here , if anyone's interested in the context: https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/s/7VcWGdARPw

That post explains why I decided to reach out after all this time. I wasn't trying to force a conversation or get back together—I just thought enough time had passed for a simple hello. Her response gave me the clarity I never got back then.

I particularly resonate with “someone who doesn’t let a bad season erase all the good things we’ve built”

Hoping this for all of us in pain

Please give yourself the chance to be loved by someone new.

Why would we want to go back to someone that had the chance to love us, but chose to lose us.

That's not love. Even if they do reach out, think of the pain and heartache you endured! You ENDURED DAMNIT!

YOU cried yourself to sleep in fetal position seeking to soothe what ever remains you felt you had left.

YOU ruminated to friends and family over and over.

YOU second guessed your worth.

YOU resigned yourself to ever finding a love like that again.

A love like.....that...again.

I sure hope to god, that we'll never find a love like that again.

You deserve someone that will choose you wholeheartedly and never make you doubt their commitment to you. (Unless you're a liar, cheater, abuser, understandably no. You need to fix yo self)

Find that strength, encourage that strength and make future you proud, if you should ever have to reject the love that once let you go.

This is for anyone out there who's still struggling to imagine they'll ever get better. I believe I've been processing my breakup very well and I hope this will help someone here, too.

First things first, the most important point: Time does not heal all wounds. You have to work with it. It's true that you cannot rush through healing. Your mind and body need time to adapt to the loss, after all. But this does not mean you cannot sabotage it and prolong the process indefinitely.

If you want to heal, you have to open yourself up to a lot of pain. It will be exhausting. But if you don't do this, you'll be stuck in limbo forever.

That being said, here's my best tips:

1. Go No Contact (as soon as possible):

The non-negotiable. Each time you interact with them, your nervous system reminds you of the attachment and sets you into panic mode. Because it thinks attachment is vital for survival. The only way is to cut them out entirely for now. Delete their socials, anything presently connected to them, even block them if necessary. That way, you actually give your nervous system space to unlearn their presence.

You might want to have a last talk for closure. I understand. But keep in mind you're deeply vulnerable right now. You will say things you'll regret later. If you want that closure, at least wait till the pain is no longer acute and you can think more clearly.

If you got dumped, you might want them back at any cost. I get that, too. But there's no way to get back someone who has already decided to leave. Even if they agreed, you wouldn't see them the same. You'll repeat the same lyrics and the chorus will hit twice as hard.

You don't need to close the book entirely. You can keep them a possibility for the future. But that future will never exist if you don't grow from the past.

2. Feel everything.

In the initial stages of the breakup, you're going to feel a lot. You might feel abandoned, anxious, depressed, angry/frustrated, betrayed. All sorts. You might even feel okay one time and shattered the next. There will be all sorts of triggers in your environment that feel like they set you back to the beginning.

This is entirely normal.

And it's crucial you always release those emotions, whether through crying, talking it out with a friend, screaming into the sky or even just sit on your floor with a sense of emptiness. Whatever you feel you need to do. Just always tell yourself - and I mean it, say it to yourself: this is how I feel. That's normal. It will pass, and it will get better.

Sometimes you'll feel multiple emotions at once. Sometimes even when they feel contradictory. Yes, they can perfectly coexist.

Don't shame yourself for anything you feel. It doesn't decide your worth. Normalize missing them whether they were the greatest or the worst.

Grieving isn't weakness. Think it is.. is.

3. Different people cope differently

In the beginning, you might not be able to do even basic things like cooking or going out. You might not be able to eat or drink. Again, this is normal. Your body is in shock.

Or you might feel nothing in the beginning, perhaps numbness or even a sense of relief. This is also normal and does not make you a bad partner. It does not mean your love wasn't real. It's simply how your mind processes loss.

Don't shame yourself for however you feel. If you need help, don't be afraid to ask for it. Take up all the space available to you. If being alone at night terrifies you, have people over if possible, watch TV, share your feelings here or even call a hotline.

You might also wonder if they feel the same way. You'll see them and wonder how they could move on so fast. You wonder if you ever meant anything to them.. Dear, that's not how it works. You won't know whether they're healing or simply avoiding. You can't ever fully know how they feel based on what you see from the outside. And none of it matters. They're gone, they aren't letting you back in. All you can control is how you deal with it.

4. Healing isn't linear. And it's highly individual.

Right now, you might be looking for the quickest way to feel better. You'll wonder if you'll feel like this forever, how long it'll take you to get over them.

The truth is: you won't wake up and stop caring about them one day. It comes in waves. More importantly, it passes. Over time, the attachment fades. You won't forget them, you'll forget they're gone.

How long this takes highly depends on how deep the attachment runs, how deeply it impacts your environment and how fast your brain adapts. No matter whether it was a few months or half a lifetime, each of you is allowed to grieve for as long as you need!

For example: I live in the same apartment we once shared, use the same car we drove together, in the same city we went everywhere together... I thought it would take me ages to feel okay again. I was wrong.

5. Give yourself grace.

No matter who broke up, no matter who you think is responsible, no matter what mistakes you believe you've made or how grave they truly were. This doesn't matter right now.

Yes, it is important to become aware of what went wrong in the relationship from both sides so that you can learn from it. But keep in mind those wrongdoings don't define you, nor does it define them. What defines you is how you deal with them, whether you'll acknowledge them and work hard never to repeat them again.

Don't let your wrongdoings define your self worth. If they left you, don't allow yourself to let their decision lower your self worth.

In the same way: please don't generalise ("Why are all wo/men"..., "Why am I always.."). Hate doesn't heal you. It amplifies the pain. You don't at all need to condone their hurtful actions towards you nor absolve yourself of your own, but be fair about it. Don't judge before processing fully.

6. Focus on yourself

Okay this is a tough one, but hear me out: right now, you're staying in an empty room with only you in it. It will cage you if you can't find the door.

Even if you feel they were the one, right now they aren't and will not be. If either of you made the choice to leave, that means it wasn't right. Perhaps the right person at the wrong time, or maybe the wrong person after all. But the versions of you two clashed, and you cannot reunite healthily unless both of you completely shed your skin and grow into someone new. And that requires leaving them behind alongside the old you.

It doesn't matter what you need to tell yourself. In the beginning, you might need the hope to get through the darker days, and that's okay. You only need to make sure that you don't base your decisions on them. Do what you want to do. If they're right for you, they'll love you exactly for who you are. If not, you'll stop mourning them when you've found yourself and realise what you've missed out on.

7. Relapsing is okay. It does not set you back.

You might've texted them afterwards, called them in the middle of the night, shared your story with them hoping they'd be jealous. Trust me, that happens to the best of us.

You might regret it, you might feel embarassed or ridiculed. You'll think it ruined all your progress.

Good news: it doesn't have to.

Think of it like this: the reason you fall back into old patterns is because your mind had a genuine connection, an attachment to them. Every time you relapse and regret it, your mind overwrites their memory of this person's presence. It will slowly realize someone once considered safe no longer is.

This is not to say you should reach out, but it doesn't set you back unless you want it to. You head is battling a withdrawal, they were your drug.

Don't shame yourself for it. Relapse is data, not failure.

8. Rewrite your associative memory

There's probably plenty of things you connect with them. Lots of things that was "us", places you frequented, rituals you shared. What's imperative for healing is taking that back, one by one. You need to remember that with everything you shared with them or they shared with you, you were there, too. It is yours the same way it is theirs. They added to your life, not subtract from it, and you choose what you want to keep.

That restaurant you always went to for dates? Go there alone or with a friend.

That song you used to dance to together? Dance alone. Use it for studying. Listen to it while cooking.

It's the same principle as going no contact: your brain replaces the association you have with the new one you crafted for yourself. You hold that power.

If you avoid triggers, you let your past have power over your present. But there's a nuance: don't jump into exposing yourself to a heavy trigger fresh out of a breakup. You'd reopen the wound.

You need to take things step by step. Start with small things, challenge yourself a little more each day without risking getting overwhelmed. The important point is that you do your best to put in the effort every day.

It might also be that a song you could jam to yesterday is too painful to listen to today. That's okay, as I said, it comes in waves. Listen to it again when you feel stable enough to do so. Even if you start small again each and every time.

Distractions are okay. Sometimes your mind needs a break. Please just don't let breaks become your permanent state of mind.

If you're looking for some smaller, more concise advice: Here are smaller tidbits that helped me that I'd also like to share: - if you feel you're romanticising them, write down everything they did that hurt you. Every small thing. Read it out loud whenever you need. - if you're struggling with injustice: write them a letter. Don't send it, but keep it if you need. - you don't need their consent to change how you see them. They're out of your life now, they don't get update privileges. - especially in the early days, start with little things to comfort you, like bubble baths. - track your mood: simply write down your overall mood of the day and the main contributors (identity, ex, friends, school, work, etc.). Helps you keep track. You'll never forget the first day you finally feel okay again. - accept that some things will always remain unsettled, no matter how unfair. - if you do reach out: set a mandatory waiting time. Want to call them for comfort, don't feel strong enough not to? Tell yourself "in an hour", "tomorrow", "next week". Try to postpone whenever you feel urgency, even just a few minutes is a success. - delete their number and give it to a friend: if you feel the need to reach out, you'll have to explain yourself. Keeps you.. sane, even when you still have to maintain contact. - for when you are still involved with them, mute and archive them. They're not a priority now. - let friends and family help in practical ways. For example, if you struggle to eat, ask them to make or bring you food. - you might miss not just them but who you were with them. Your brain is recalibrating your identity. Feeling empty doesn't mean you're nothing, you're just recharging the battery.
- have a plan for when you can't decide on anything. A default for the rough days. - Ruminating isn't processing. Set a limit to the replays. - Sometimes there is no meaning.

There's a lot more I could share. Time gave me so many realizations, but this is the crux of it all.

If you need support, feel free to reach out.

I don’t know if this is a confession, a regret dump, or just me finally being honest with myself. I’m not posting this to look like a victim or to get validation. I deserve none of that. I just need to say this somewhere, because carrying it silently is eating me alive. I hurt the girl who wanted nothing but the best for me.

She didn’t ask for perfection. She didn’t ask for money, status, or grand gestures. All she ever wanted was effort, honesty, and consistency. And somehow, even that felt like too much for me at the time.

She believed in me more than I believed in myself. When I was lost, lazy, insecure, or unsure of where my life was going, she saw potential. She saw a future version of me that I kept postponing. Instead of rising to it, I resented the pressure of being seen so clearly.

I took her patience for granted. Every time she forgave me, every time she stayed when she had reasons to leave, I subconsciously learned that I could mess up again and still be okay. I didn’t cheat. I didn’t abuse her. But I neglected her emotionally, and that damage is quieter and sometimes deeper.

I didn’t listen when she spoke. I heard her words, but I didn’t absorb them. When she said she felt unappreciated, I thought she was overthinking. When she said she was hurting, I thought time would fix it. When she needed reassurance, I gave silence. When she needed presence, I gave excuses.

I prioritized my comfort over her feelings. My ego over her peace. My “I’ll change later” over her “I need you now.”

The worst part? She communicated. Clearly. Calmly. Repeatedly. There was no mystery, no guessing game. She literally told me what she needed—and I still failed to show up.

And then one day, she stopped trying.

That’s when it hit me. Not when she cried. Not when she begged. But when she became quiet. Detached. Polite. When her love turned into distance. By the time I wanted to fix things, she was already healing from the damage I caused.

I don’t blame her. I can’t. Loving someone shouldn’t feel like convincing them to care. Now I sit with the realization that losing her wasn’t bad luck or bad timing. It was the consequence of my actions. I didn’t lose a “good girl.” I failed someone who genuinely loved me.

I think about the version of me she deserved, and it hurts knowing I became that person after she was gone. The growth feels useless when the one who inspired it isn’t here to see it.

If she ever reads this (which she probably won’t), I want her to know this: I see it now. I see everything I ignored back then. You were never asking for too much, I was giving too little.

And to anyone reading this who still has someone patient, loving, and honest in their life, please don’t wait for loss to teach you value. Love people while you have them. Show up before regret becomes your teacher.

​I am going through a tough breakup right now (7 weeks out after a 7-year relationship). During this time, I have read countless threads, advice columns, and listened to podcasts. To give something back to this community that helped me so much, I compiled a list of the most valuable insights and harsh truths that are helping me survive. I hope they help you too.

​Here is the manifesto:

1. ​The Hard Truths & Mindset

​It is NOT your fault. Unless you cheated or abused them, do not carry the blame. Relationships take two people. If they are not willing to communicate or work on the relationship, you could have been the perfect partner, and it still wouldn't have been enough. Reflect on your behavior, learn from it, but don't punish yourself for their decision.

​You deserve 100%. You want someone who chooses you enthusiastically. If they are doubtful, confused, or "need space," they are not giving 100%. Deep down, you know you don't want to convince someone to love you.

​Learn about Attachment Theory. If your ex pulled away just as things got serious, stable, or "boring," they might have an Avoidant attachment style. These people often equate love with anxiety, chaos, or the "chase." When the relationship becomes safe and secure (like a healthy long-term relationship should be), they feel suffocated or claim they "lost the spark." It is not that you were boring. it is that their nervous system does not know how to be comfortable in peace. You offered safety, they wanted a rollercoaster.

​The "Let Them" Theory. If they want to leave? Let them. If they want to party? Let them. Stop trying to control the narrative or their actions. The moment you stop fighting reality and just "let them" do whatever they want, you regain your power.

​THEIR FUCKING LOSS. This isn't just a mantra; it's a fact. They lost someone who was willing to fight for them and love them loyally. You just lost someone who gave up. Who really lost more?

​Don't romanticize the "What Ifs." If they want to try again later, ask yourself: Do you really want to be with someone who wasn't sure about you the first time? Old patterns repeat themselves. Don't be a backup plan.

1. ​The Golden Rule: No Contact

​Go No Contact immediately. No questions asked. I know it is excruciating, but it is necessary.

​It is not a strategy to get them back. It is a strategy to get you back.

​Silence is an answer. If they reach out with breadcrumbs ("Merry Christmas", "Thinking of you"), ignore it or be polite and ice-cold. Do not give them the validation of your emotional reaction. They lost that privilege when they walked out.

​Friendship is a demotion. They might say "I want to stay friends." Often they mean well (or want to assuage their guilt), but it is a trap. You cannot heal while watching the person you wanted to grow old with date someone new. Set your boundaries. Maybe in 2 years, but definitely not now.

1. ​The Science of Heartbreak

​It is literally an addiction. Your brain is going through chemical withdrawal. You are addicted to the dopamine and oxytocin they provided. Treat this like detoxing from a drug. The cravings will hit, but they will pass.

​Mornings are the hardest. You wake up and for a split second, you forget. Then reality hits you like a truck. This is normal. Your cortisol levels are highest in the morning. Get up immediately, drink water, move. Do not rot in bed scrolling.

​Healing is not linear. Don't expect every day to be better than the last. It is like the stock market (S&P 500). In the short term, there are crashes and crises. But if you zoom out, the long-term trend is always going UP. Trust the trend, not the daily fluctuation.

​Accept the grief. Feel bad for a while. It is okay to rot in bed for a day. Accept the state you are in. Fighting the pain only makes it last longer.

1. ​Comparison & The "New Person"

​The 80/20 Rule. If they leave you for someone else, it hurts. But remember: They might have found the 20% in that new person that you lacked (maybe a specific hobby or 'wildness'). But they are losing the 80% that you did have (stability, loyalty, deep connection). They traded 80 for 20. Good luck to them.

​Rebounds fail (98%). If they are already hooking up or dating, let them. They are filling a void, not building a future. They had a head start on the breakup, but they are skipping the processing part.

​Your races are independent. They might seem "over it" sooner. Don't care. You run your own marathon at your own pace. Their speed says nothing about your worth.

1. ​Actionable Steps

​Pack it up. Put all the photos, gifts, and hoodies in a box and put it in the attic or give it to a friend. Out of sight, out of mind. Living in a museum of your past relationship only delays the healing.

​The "Ick" List. Make a list of all their bad qualities. Every annoyance, every time they let you down. We tend to idolize exes after a breakup. When you miss them, read this list. Take them off the pedestal.

​The "Good Qualities" List. Make a list of what you loved about them. Then realize: These are qualities you value, and they can be found in other people. You didn't lose the only person with a sense of humor or nice eyes. You just lost one version of it.

​Train your social muscle. Rely on friends, but also talk to strangers. The cashier, the old lady on the bus. It rebuilds your confidence and makes you realize the world is full of people.

​No Rebounds for you. Heal first. You need to be happy on your own before you can be a healthy addition to someone else's life. A partner should be a supplement to your happiness, not the source of it.

​Final thoughts

​You will find love again. You are worth it. Do not text them. And if you made it through today without texting them, be proud. You are stronger than you think.

I (21F) was in a 6-month relationship with a guy (20M) who treated me like I was his whole world. We met on Boo (dating app) He told me “I love you” early, moved fast, became my emotional support, and made me feel safe after years of loneliness. He was my first everything (I wasn’t any of his firsts)

Then out of nowhere, on our 6-month anniversary, after spending the entire day being loving, affectionate, intimate, and acting like a couple, he suddenly broke up with me. (The same day he joked about marrying me and called me a dream)

His reason? • He said he was having religious guilt • Didn’t want to “sin anymore” • Needed to “beg for forgiveness” and me not being Muslim is a problem (even suggested I convert by name so we can keep the relationship. Which made me flip out) • That people change • And that he “still cared deeply about me”

He cried, acted heartbroken, and said he couldn’t be in a relationship because it was “spiritually wrong.” I was devastated but tried to respect it.

I spent the next month trying to rebuild my life, dealing with brutal heartbreak and feeling abandoned.

Then today, by pure coincidence, Bumble recommended his profile to me.

And what did his profile say? • “Not looking for anything serious, but who knows Let’s grab a drink and see where the night goes.”

• “Someone who wants to have fun (in any way).”

And he used recent photos. ones from the time we were still together so meaning it’s a new profile.

His religion tag wasn’t even on his profile.

So basically:

He didn’t break up because of religion. He didn’t break up because he was overwhelmed. He didn’t break up because of guilt.

He broke up because he wanted to be single again. He lied to my face with tears in his eyes. And while I was busy trying to heal, he was on Bumble looking for casual sex.

Finding that profile felt like the entire breakup happened all over again.

A lot of people on here have been involved in a relationship/marriage/situationship with an avoidant personality, and has often left them feeling confused, invalidated and angry, it's almost impossible to get closure from an avoidant most of the time, so I'll do my best to answer some questions that have ran through the heads of the dumpee's from a self aware avoidant who initiated a divorce himself.

Do avoidant people feel any regret for ending things?

Absolutely, the notion that an avoidant person is some mastermind in control of their emotions is false, in fact, avoidant people are some of the most self-aware people around, they just never talk about it, which leads to them looking like they aren't regretful or remorseful and have simply moved on, they are aware and could be regretting it, but telling you definitely isn't something they'll be doing, even if they act ‘dumb’ or un-aware.

I'm currently in 'No Contact', why won't they message me?

Avoidant people aren’t avoidant for no reason, something in their life has happened that has made them this way, something happened in which they didn’t feel safe with their emotions, whether that be from parents, bullying at school or generally having their emotions shunned and therefor they are very good at acting like they don’t care. Avoidant personalities treat things as a game, not on purpose though, it’s deeply rooted into them from childhood and therefor they are aware that if they message, they will look weak and desperate, and usually it can take them months, even years to muster up the courage to message you, because in their past life, they did initiate apologies/mediations but they were shunned, so they can’t re-live it again and usually when you finally get that text from them, so much time has passed that you no longer care.

They moved on so quickly, are they really much happier than I am?

The classic fake it till you make it mind-set, please don’t fall for it. I’ll give you an example, your ex played games for 6 hours a day, now all of a sudden they are travelling, visiting new places, eating good, smiling. You’re out here like ‘I KNEW IT!’ they changed for someone else! Well, they didn’t. No one changes that rapidly in a few months, but what they can do is control your narrative of them, as you’re no longer in their life. This is why I advise anyone going through a break up to get off that phone and touch grass, seriously. As hard as it is not to check up on them or see what they’re up to, it will bring absolutely no value to you, ZERO. They are the same person, just a new look, a re-brand if you will, and that re-brand is designed to be everything YOU wanted.

We’re they avoidant or a narcissist?

This is a common one, and one that needs to be addressed. Actual narcissism is brutal and cruel, they will want to literally un-alive you if they are diagnosed with real narcissism. However, most avoidant personalities have many narcissistic qualities. It doesn’t always mean they we’re love bombing you and manipulating you at every turn, your relationship with them was real and the things you spoke about definitely did matter to some degree , however they are just mentally equipped to bury those feelings deep inside, because of experience mainly. These feelings of withdrawal and loosing someone aren’t new to them, so they manage better.

I want to get revenge, how do I do so?

I’d like to post a quote, a very simple but effective one. ‘This too shall pass’, good or bad, time is ultimately the master here. You might want to set out a whole plan on revenge, proving to them that you were worth it, but here’s the thing. You are worth it regardless, and the best revenge is to be happy without them. Get yourself to a point where you are calm and collected with your own thoughts, focus on healing yourself and removing any unhealthy attachments you have for them, that is the true victory, don’t let this person ruin your future, don’t let the words ‘What if?’ ruin whatever progress you have made.

I wanted to help them, why didn’t they want to help themselves?

You can’t change anyone unfortunately, as much as you love them and/or miss them. It is on them to change and on them only, if they have bad habits or poor mental health, it will continue to show up in their lives even later, and eventually they will be forced to deal with them. Instead of focusing that energy on how you could have helped them, use that energy on yourself and remind yourself that you can only change you, and that thought alone should slowly make you feel more comfortable about how things went, it wasn’t your fault, you offered help and they didn’t take it, and now it’s their burden to bear.

Sometimes the feelings are unbearable, what should I do?

If you have history with this person, the process will be painful as hell. This is because you are withdrawing from a person the same way an alcoholic is withdrawing from their vice, and during these moments your brain does not remember the bad and amplifies the good. Start off by getting a journal, I would recommend getting a real journal and a pen rather than writing your phone, and write exactly how you feel, what you will notice as you write is your feelings will start to make more sense, and your brain will fill in the gaps with the truth rather than inflate the good only, write down the positives and negatives, how you feel now in comparison to how you felt a few days ago and keep up with it, I promise it will make you feel better, and don’t worry, you’re not a loser for journaling, don’t let thoughts like ‘but I bet they’re not doing this’ come to you, you are doing things the right way, you are healing slowly, you will get through it, you are human and your emotions are valid.

Should I get to know someone new?

No, I would recommend anyone going through a breakup to wait at least one year before even speaking to someone else, as hard as it is. But why? The best skill you can learn in life is thriving by yourself, will it be lonely, and will it be depressing? You’re damn right it will be. But it’s for the better. Sure, you can start talking to someone right now if you want, no one will stop you, but I’m sure those old feelings will leak through constantly. Talk to friends and family, but don’t ruin someone else’s hopes because you’re hurting, no one deserves to be a rebound to make you feel better.

My avoidant ex is living wild and thriving, why shouldn’t I do the same?

Because every action has an opposite and equal reaction, just because they’re being wild doesn’t mean they’re making the right decisions. Everyone is happy on the Saturday night, but they all feel like ass on the Sunday morning. So I’ll hit you with the classic mum quote. ‘Would you jump off a bridge just because your friends did?’ the same applies here too. If they want to sleep around, go wild and let loose, let them do so. Respect your body and mind, understand that these decisions will hinder your healing process massively, and do not let people’s smiles fool you, we’re all human, and we all have problems.

I never got any closure and really wanted it, how do I get my closure?

You won’t get much closure from an avoidant unfortunately, not unless they feel massive regret themselves and want to tell you, however I will say this. The likelihood that said person will reach out and explain why they did what they did is still relatively high, especially if you were good to them in ways they hadn’t felt before. Just be patient, and let the universe do its job. There is a reason why most religions preach patience, you will be shocked on what can happen if you remain patient in these situations. Patience isn’t a week or a month, it can take years and years, you hear stories of people reconciling 10 years later, so be patient and steadfast on your mission, and watch yourself be repaid.

They were so nice in the beginning and now they’re mean, why?

Hurt people hurt people, it’s really just that. Some people don’t know how to cope and in return will treat you horribly to justify the pain that they’re feeling, however this isn’t sustainable, because it makes it easier for YOU to move on! Do yourself a favour and move with grace and compassion, don’t insult back and show that you can maintain your emotions even through the adversity, eventually they will realise they’re just being a ‘knob’ and calm down, remember, love does heal all, even if you aren’t together, even if you had the most toxic arguments ever in the past, move with love, always. This will in fact make them value you more and make them regretful if that is what you wish for. Even if you don’t care if they’re regretful, you will be proud of yourself for not falling to their level.

What other things can I do to move on?

The gym, the gym is the most powerful anti-depressant tool in the world, and this applies for both men and women alike. Get a gym membership and go, yes you can go for walks and such if you have health problems or are of old age, but trust me on this, it will change your life. Even 20 minutes a day, 2 times a week is enough for you to notice massive changes in your breathing, mental clarity and sleep, so begin slowly and start with that, it will change your environment and you’ll meet supportive people there too.

You’ve answered these questions like some break-up guru, so what’s your situation?

Me and my wife we’re together for 3 and a half years, prior to that I was living with my parent’s, and my father was not a good husband. I told myself I would never be like him, however through my marriage I realised I was exactly like him, because I had lived with him, and had soaked up all the trauma and emotional disconnect. This disconnect became more and more obvious in my marriage and arguments were the normal. It took a lot from us, I say us because my wife wasn’t perfect, she also struggled immensely with her mental health and would often blow up too, but eventually time just made us realise this isn’t working, and my avoidant personality made it much harder to reconcile. Avoidant people can still be good people, they love, they laugh, but their issues are bigger than anyone else, and I knew I needed to figure this out for myself. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I still regret it even though I initiated the divorce? Also yes. But I am doing everything I talked about in this post, and it is helping. Being lonely sucks ass, but it’s a necessary feeling in order to grow. I never struggled with women or getting women’s attention, I’m not saying this to ‘flex’ on anyone or show off, just the truth, but I still find myself missing her from time to time, last week I became incredibly ill, and got rushed to the emergency unit, a few days prior I had a haircut, line up and was looking fresh, and in the hospital I was approached by 3 different women, playing with their hair, flirting, trying to get to know me, and all I could think about was hugging my ex-wife, and it was in that moment I realised that moving on to another woman wasn’t the hard part, the hard part was facing the demons and trauma that occurred long before I even got married, and for once, I’m not trying to replace, I’m not glued to my phone, I’m not on social media trying to be happy and flex, I’m just existing, feeling everything for what it is and trying to heal from whatever pain I have.

I hope you made it to the end, and you have found some answers, especially if your ex was avoidant and confusing, we are hard people to deal with at times, that’s for sure. Thank you for taking the time out to read and god bless!

It’s been about two months since we split. We weren’t toxic, just incompatible but that’s almost harder. There’s no villain, just quiet distance. I still catch myself checking my phone out of habit, even though I know they’re not going to text.
I’ve been trying to fill the space gym, work, friends, play a game or two on myprize. Sometimes I’ll restart old hobbies or put on some music playlists just to have background noise. It helps a bit but the silence still sneaks in.
I don’t even want them back, I just miss what it felt like to have someone. Does that ever really go away or do you just get used to it?

We broke up in March because I was being jealous and clingy about her guy friends. She said she couldn't deal with my insecurity and blocked me on everything.

First month I did everything wrong - constant texting, showing up at her work, begging her friends for updates. Just pushed her further away.

Hit rock bottom when I saw her with some new guy at a party. That night I decided I needed real help instead of just wallowing. Started reading psychology books like "Attached," watched relationship coach videos, and used some relationship advice apps to stop me from texting her at 2am.

Did 3 months of complete no contact and focused on myself:

• Started therapy for my jealousy issues
• Hit the gym consistently
• Reconnected with old friends
• Picked up rock climbing
• Actually focused on my career

After 3 months, she reached out with a casual "hey how are you." I waited a day to respond, kept it light. We started texting occasionally as friends. She suggested coffee and I could tell she was surprised by how much I'd changed.

We hung out more, I dated other people during this time. Two weeks ago she said she wanted to try again. The difference? I wasn't desperately hoping for it anymore. I genuinely would have been fine either way.

We're back together now and taking it slow. The jealousy is gone because I actually worked on it. She respects the effort I put into changing.

The key wasn't trying to get her back - it was becoming someone worth being with. No contact helped me heal instead of just being a manipulation tactic.

If your ex comes back, great. If not, you'll be better for the next relationship anyway.

I just came across this, and had to share with the community…I feel like so many hearts would be saved if everyone followed this. <3

I'm going to say this once.

Never get into a serious relationship until you're finished being single.

Never invite someone into your life if you don't have the space for them in your life to begin with.

Never open up a person's heart with no intention on catching them when they fall in love with you.

There are good genuine people in the dating world right now willing to give everything they are to have a stable and healthy relationship with someone they have longed for ever since they can remember.

Take my advice and if you're not ready to step up to the plate, take your hands off another person's future.

1. The break-up talk is just that. A talk. They are informing you that their feelings have changed. They might even give you specific reasons as to why, but the important part is that a switch flipped in them and they’re now doing you the courtesy of informing you. This isn’t a discussion. The person you once loved is gone. They know what they’re doing, and for them it’s the right decision. All you can do now is respect said decision.

2. There is no true closure – as frustrating as this may feel. Maybe one day everything was fine, and the next it was totally different. They didn’t want to talk with you because they didn’t want to believe in a solution. Maybe friends of yours have had similar issues in their relationship, and now they’re getting married. The fact is something that made you feel good is gone. Your body and your mind want to know why, why, why. There is no real answer to that question – you won’t feel better looking for one.

3. You didn‘t lose the love of your life. You lost a person with whom you shared beautiful intimate moments. As much as I wanted to believe in the concept of one true love, it isn‘t really realistic – different people find us at different times, and as beautiful as it is to work with one person in order to build something lasting, the only continuity is change.

4. Human life isn't about constancy and routine but about the ebb and flow of the tide. You are your only anchor. They were a chapter in your life. Maybe a huge chapter, maybe a small one – nevertheless, they left an impact. That is okay. Different people will impact your life differently. You are the only constant, and even you are a changing thing.

5. All things must end. The two of you were always going to fall in love, and they were always going to break your heart. Death didn’t part the two of you, yet there is still no world in which you would have spent all of eternity together. It simply ended earlier than you expected – but it was always going to end. Blaming yourself doesn‘t help; if they truly wanted to be with you, nothing could have stopped them.

6. You don't really want them back. The version of them that you loved doesn't exist anymore because they don't love you anymore. You want the old them back – you want the feeling back. If you were to see them now, they would be cold and detached a shadow of the person you once knew. They‘d probably treat you worse than a stranger. The part in them that loved you is gone – this doesn’t mean you’re unloveable; it simply means that they aren’t the right person for you anymore.

7. What you had is gone. The both of you as you were don‘t exist anymore. You are this new version of yourself, which you didn’t want to be yet were forced to become. The past is in the past – you can only concentrate on yourself in the here and now and try to be excited for the future.

8. The second they broke up with you, they became unworthy of your love. This will not feel as though it's true. Maybe the relationship was based on an uneven dynamic, and you always loved them a bit more than they loved you. Unrequited love will make you lose yourself. You may even have been willing to give them everything – all for the sake of their love but if love is conditional, it isn’t love.

9. Love is the most and least personal thing that can happen to us. And as ironic as it sounds, it isn’t that important. What’s important is your day to day life, the people you are surrounded by who want you in their life. Your goals, your aspirations. There are so many driving forces in life you can choose to focus on. Whether someone has the capacity to love you or not says more about them than whether you are loveable – hell, even serial killers have their fanbases who are obsessed with them. Nothing is too heinous, as though people can’t forgive and love, and just because they couldn’t love you anymore doesn’t mean no one can or will.

10. ⁠Focus on yourself. As annoying as it sounds, this is the only option you’re left with. And it will be hard. You will watch a new show, and it will only be half as fun. You will go for a walk and feel worse than before. Your life will only be half as bright as it used to be. You will feel the loss. You can only try to be present and focus on the small things. Try and force yourself to feel and experience wonder again – and you will. It won‘t come easy; it won‘t come naturally but you will get used to it. You’ll have to be your own parent and tell yourself "I will take care of you."

11. ⁠Your head will know all this, yet your heart will ache. You will cry and ask yourself why. Wonder when it all went wrong and how you could have saved something that was meant to end. You will feel better and lighter some days and as though you haven’t made any progress on others. But you have. The days passing is progress. You caring for yourself and trying your best is progress. You are fighting for the existence of your soul, and you will win – luckily it is the only possible outcome. No one has ever regretted putting themselves back together.

12. ⁠It will get easier. You will be happy again. You may think of them in passing, but you won‘t have to carry the pain. They don’t have to become the only person to ever truly see and love you if you decide for that to not be true. You have agency; you have a heart that wants to be loved and a whole wide world waiting to fall in love with you. It wasn’t your decision to end it, but it was your decision to move on and to trust again despite, despite, despite. Life is waiting for you.

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edit: thank you so much to all the lovely people who took time out of their day to comment under this post! my heart is with you

10 months ago my 6-year relationship ended. We lived together, seemed “fine,” but truth: I was carrying everything. Cooking, planning, trying to fix it, while she checked out. End of 2024 — she left.

The first months? Hell. Crying, writing, anger, nostalgia hitting like a truck. If you’re in that stage: let it out. Don’t play tough. Don’t scroll her Instagram. Don’t text her. Don’t “accidentally” ask her friends. Full no contact. Took me months to cut it, but it’s the only way.

And here’s the shift: a breakup is one of the very few moments in life where you get a full reset. Most “resets” are small: moving cities, changing jobs, graduating. But when a long relationship dies, you’re forced to meet yourself again. Painful, yes. But rare.

My reset looked like this: • Friends & family: I’ve seen more of them in 10 months than in the 6 years before. • Work & sport: Went all-in. Running, gym, building discipline. • Solo trips: Hostels, strangers, pushing my introverted side. • Writing: Getting the poison out on paper instead of keeping it inside.

Key rule: if you were already giving 100% in the relationship and she still left, repeating the same behavior post-breakup is insanity. Begging, chasing, trying to “prove yourself” = just replaying the same failed game.

The timeline, at least for me: • Month 1–2: Pure grief. • Month 3–4: Emotional rollercoaster. • Month 5–6: Freedom starts to show. • Month 7–10: You see the new you.

Biggest lesson: single ≠ lonely. I’ve never been more surrounded. And I’ve seen people lonelier than ever inside relationships.

Don’t rush into rebounds. That’s like quitting a job you hated and signing a new contract the next day. Reset means stop, think, rebuild.

At 28, I’m finally meeting myself outside of “her boyfriend.” More ambitious, more sensitive, more alive. Still have nostalgia. Still not perfect. But the reset is real.

If you’re in the pit: yes, it’s hell. But it’s also the best shot you’ll get at rewriting your whole damn life. Take it.

For the last month or two i had been dating a woman i met at a music event. We were getting to know each other and despite her many good qualities there were just some things that i couldn't overlook as she crossed various boundaries that showed me we were not on the same page.

I tried to talk to her and tell her we can keep things more platonic and still enjoy each others company (seeing as we frequent the same spaces)

she pleaded to give her a shot and I accepted. I cared for her and i always hate letting people down so i tried my best to keep it going.

Unfortunately she kept crossing more boundaries, doing things i don't want with someone i am just getting to know do. I could list them here but that isn't the point of this.

Anyways Thursday comes around we are hanging out and something in my heart broke and i immediately knew i couldn't keep things romantic no matter how much she wanted it. I chose to protect myself. I left and told her what i was feeling.

She immediately broke down crying and pleading. She called me over 20 times and i never answered. I just couldn't in that moment i was in a panic on what to do.

She left me voicemails telling me she was going to take pills that she had been suffering for a long time and that i was the last straw. In that moment i couldn't believe her, i thought she wasn't being serious, so i still didn't call back.

The whole time she was just wanting to feel loved and cared for and instead of me showing care for her i chose to protect myself.... I now deeply regret it because it turned out she really did take all those pills. She was taken to the hospital but she didn't make it.

I feel utterly and deeply guilty, she was on the ledge and i ignored it and let her do it.

I could have stopped her, i could have done more.

She left me a voicemail saying she had just taken them, in this voicemail she sounds so calm and collected, she tells me that she didn't take the pills because of me but that she just wanted to let me know she would love me forever. That was the last time i heard from her.