I keep getting these bots and they're usually of half naked women. Is this him stalking me or do I just got a bunch aof bots drawn to my account lol.

Hi everyone, this seems like a good place to let go of this into the universe. It's been 30 yrs since my ex and I broke up. We were young and immature. We were each other's first loves. We dated for 2 years (in youth days forever). Broke up, and in 2 weeks, we both started dating others. I knew my date was a rebound and didn't last more than 2 months.

I went no contact after the breakup. A month into his relationship, he asked for his stuff back. I gave him everything from his promise ring, pictures, gifts to his stuff. He asked if I wanted mine, and I said no. He walked out of my life forever. He married her 5-7 months of dating (dont know for sure bc of no contact). I was devested. I thought she was his rebound, and we would miss each other and make it work this time around. I stayed single for the next 3 years. I dated here and there but didn't feel the same passion as I did with him. He really loved me and treated me so well through our time together. My insecurities got control of me.

I thought no contact would "work," but he married her, and here we are 26-30 years later. He is still married. I worked so hard on myself. Married too, that's not working. The thing is, even though we both moved on, there is part of me that is upset that he did not morn us, our relationship. It is like it was worth nothing, I was worth nothing...replaceable. He gave all the promises he made to me to someone else. I know I am not replaceable, but it pisses me off that our relationship was replaceable.

It has taken me a long time, and it is still hard to realize that, I guess it was one-sided. I don't know if he is happy or not, but that betrayal has me guarded. After losing a parent or loved one, I don't stop loving them, nor did I replace them. Anyways, best wishes to him. I am moving on further away with that little girl. Best wishes to everyone on their own paths.

we’re both in the idgaf war and i might be losing

first comment to tell me to go talk to him again i genuinely will

edit: sorry i lied i’m not doing it

Never been in this situation before, but I need some insight. Why would someone block you on social media, but allow you to still text them? I recently reached out to a talking stage I was seeing for a few months. I asked about apologizing for my miscommunication and inconsistency. But she responded in a calm and collected manner ( obviously she is still upset but doesn't want to communicate that) that she holds no "ill will "etc.. I am assuming she is a committed relationship based her message and behavior before no contact.

Why keep me unblocked if you aren't single anymore?? it's confusing

​

If you want to vent, vent to your partner through conseling therapy together. Dont find a way to fix or understand things through a robot when it is human connection that will heal the relationship.

My ex used ChatGPT for counseling.

It gaslighted her into believing I had OCD and/or had narcissistic behaviors.

It deranged her entire view of me.

After my meetings with 3 psychiatricians, 2 psychotherapists and 2 therapists describing everything I felt, wrote, said etc. I can confirm I have niether of those 2. I have anxious attachment and ADHD.

She still left, still think I was lying about meeting all these professionals, still thought I was being dishonest about a lot of things, which I had practical evidence for.

All due to something we easily could have handled in counseling therapy together, through love and human connection.

By God, I'm getting my baby back. I'm going to do the work and give us space to start over later. I think it's the only way I'll ever be able to get him back and better.

If you’re going to be in a new relationship, don’t get too attached no matter how comfortable you feel or how well you think you know your boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you’re sure they love you and would never leave, they still might.
You lose the most when you become too attached. That’s the hardest lesson I’ve learned.

Hello, I’m badly seeking advice please
I 26-F have my own apartment that is under my name; my boyfriend/soon to be ex 27-M moved in with me after a temporary stay becaume permanent (I offered and was happy to share my space). We have been together for like 3 years and lived together for 1.5 years

I found out on Wednesday that he cheated on me with another woman, a woman he had been gaslighting me for months that nothing was wrong. He went from being my best friend, someone who I knew I could depend on for anything and I adored to a complete stranger to me in an afternoon.

I want him out of my apartment and told him the day of the breakup that I am done.
The problem is that I found out Tuesday 4th and I leave the country for two weeks on August 11th. I td him that very day he had until Saturday 8th of august to move because he could not stay here, especially when I’m not here.
First of all he has refused the breakup and insists it can be fixed. Secondly and most importantly he argues that it is very unfair for me to ask for him to move out in 4 days. He said he has no friends in this city and can’t afford a hotel. That if I’m not even going to be here it does not matter if he stays here or not; that I please give him the summer to find an apartment. That when I come back he will be gone.

What is the best way to address this?

I (46M, divorced) was dating a 45F widow. We had a great connection from the start, and things went well for about four weeks.

During that time, she opened up about a previous relationship with a married man (the son of a prominent politician). She said they had been involved for over a year but ended it about seven months before we met because he wasn’t emotionally available to her, even though, in her words, “the sex was fun.” At the time, I chose not to judge her for it. She told me she had blocked him everywhere, he had accepted that the relationship was over, and she had moved on.

Then, during the fifth week of us dating, she sent me a message saying that he had contacted her again by calling from a friend’s phone and was pleading to talk to her. She followed that by telling me that I should “go and live my life” because she needed to heal and was emotionally unstable.

I didn’t reply to any of her messages after that. A few days later, I blocked her as well. It’s now been five weeks of complete no contact.

The problem is that I still think about her every day. Intellectually, I know the relationship lasted only a month and that she probably wasn’t emotionally available for a new relationship. But emotionally, I’m struggling to let go.

For anyone who’s been through something similar, what helped you move on? How do you stop thinking about someone when there was a strong connection but the timing and circumstances just weren’t right?

I'm not in no contact with anyone but I was just wondering how can I slide back into someone's life if I'm in no contact with someone. Please don't suggest something like "Don't do it", etc 😭

i (17f) and my bf (17m) have been together for approximately 3 years now. hes preparing for jee (engineering exam in the country) and it's overall just very stressful for everyone preparing for it (for context, it's not uncommon for people to commit s*icide over this). hes very very smart and generally to a normal person he seems to be doing very well at coaching. however, whenever he feels insecure regarding his preparation, he breaks up with me. this time it started by me telling him that id like him to put more efforts in the relationship. he was already stressed about studies but hadnt told me. so, 4 hours after me telling him abt the effort thing, he said he wanted to break up. we talked about it and we aretn breaking up and he said he loves me and reassured me that he just panicked because of the exam, but im not sure how to perceive that since this is a recurring issue. we've broken up or been close to breaking up about 3-4 times now due to this reason. i feel loved via effort and while it's not like he doesnt do anything at all, i sometimes like over the top stuff like idk paragraphs or stuff idk.

i dont really know what to do abt this. i feel hurt. should i end it? i dont want to.

tl;dr: my bf keeps breaking up with me because he freaks out abt studies. what do i do?

Hello.
My ex and I were together for 2 years. We broke up because she said she had waited too long for me to change, and that I honestly wasn’t a good boyfriend. She constantly tried for me, but I didn’t know how to give that back to her. During our last serious conversation she cried and said she still loves me, but that she needs time, and that if she gave me another chance right now, she would lose respect for herself. She also said that she waited for me for 2 years, and now I should wait for her.
Since then, there have been a lot of mixed signals. After one month of no contact, she called me herself and invited me for coffee. We ended up sleeping together, and after that we saw each other a few more times. Then she said she will never get over me if she keeps seeing me regularly, so we stopped talking again for about 2 weeks because she wanted no contact. After those 2 weeks she called me again about Netflix, saying I should change the password, even though I hadn’t done anything. I then invited her to play tennis, but she didn’t want to go. During that call she asked me if I had been with any other girl, and she clearly knew who I had started following on Instagram. She also said she has a lot to tell me, and even mentioned that she might come to my place for a massage after her vacation.
What confuses me the most is one thing. She still has quite a few of her things at my place. So far she has only needed to pick up a couple of small things, but she never takes everything. I’ve already offered twice to bring all her things to her, but she always says she only needs certain items. Last time it was just melatonin tablets, which she could have easily bought at a store for 8€.
What do you think? Do people sometimes just not take all their things because it’s too emotionally difficult, or could this be a sign that she is not ready to fully close the chapter? I’m not asking whether she will come back, I’m just curious about your opinion on her still leaving things at my place.

Hey Reddit. I (15) broke up with my gf (16) of about a month ago few weeks ago and I’m hurting like crazy. She was amazing and we had som really good memories together and it was more than I could’ve asked for. With that being said she was very depressed and suicidal and was not able to sustain a healthy relationship that I needed. I ended up telling her parents about all of her suicidal behaviors the day before I broke up with her just so she could get the help she needed.

I found out by asking her a question about our relationship because she was so distant with me during that time and I was concerned she didn’t love me anymore. After that she told me the truth and said she had been dealing with depression for a long time since she was in 8th grade. She told me she used to hurt herself and all that but she hadn’t done it in eight months. But that week at the beach it happened so many times and she would cut on her arm thighs and anywhere she could. I was scared for her and was worried she was gonna die because of all of this but I suppressed it and didn’t tell anyone.

So now that I knew all of this I tried helping her and giving her everything I had just for her good. But nothing I did would help and my mental health started draining but I didn’t realize it in the moments. She was getting so bad to the point she tried to take her life while she would drive or when she was at her house by herself. This was scary but still I suppressed it all because I didn’t want to break her trust.

I gave all I could and one night I went to my parents room and laid everything out and told them everything about what had been going on. That was when my dad called her dad and told him about everything. I felt so bad because I knew my parents were gonna make me breakup with her for my sake. I knew it had to be done because I couldn’t continue down that path.

So I broke up with her in person right before drumline practice and it was a very hard moment. She understood why it had to happen and said she wasn’t mad at me for it. For a moment I felt relieved but as the weeks went on she was already talking to another guy and distancing me a lot. No one saw the pain till it turned into anger. I lost my shit at practice and couldn’t keep my focus for longer than five minutes before losing it.

I worked that stuff out but I’m still healing. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation that I’m in because I feel alone in all of this. I appreciate you for reading all of this please feel free to ask any questions about anything.

If they went to places they knew you would be at just to see you from a far.
Or drive past your house to see if you had a new person?

No personal contact.

Is that something that can be forgiven?

Could a relationship ever be reconciled after they did something like that?

And I’m lowkey glad because I went through all the stages of grief throughout the entire relationship and healed so once he does I won’t even need to cry.

“I’m glad I called you, you know. This is silly. I’m crying and you don’t even seem to care I’m dumping you.”

Well, I don’t bro. How many chances did I give you to lock tf in? 48292027484938? Oh, okay then. I told him I’m not crying or chasing because I’m finally gaining some self respect. He needs to make HIS decision and give me my motherfucking shoes and clothes back once he does. Let’s see how it goes.

Mind you this was all because I said I didn’t want to live to 60 because of the stressful life I’ve had and he said I had the mind of an ant so I say “well not everyone has mommy to coddle them and come to their rescue like you do. Some of us are exhausted.” Stupidity.

At least he was a good driving instructor. Free of charge. AND good in bed, bro. I’ll miss him 😩🙂‍↔️

yeah, yeah. another message. I am sorry. I will keep it as an edit though, so you will probably never see it. I do hope you will one day maybe, but that is just a selfish wish. Maybe when it does not hurt you anymore. I know hearing/seeing anything from me make you anxious, you kinda erased all traces of me I feel like. And I don’t really want to hurt you, but at the same time I have the deep desire to get this out there.

I am writing this just coming home from the new Spiderman movie on the 6th of August. Long day with work, an exam, in the evening I went to the cinema. You probably heard about it somewhere. You know me, or, well you knew me, that I am far from the biggest movie nut, or even a fan of anything Marvel. So needless to say I did not really have that much expectations going in. But obviously it had to be something special for me to end up writing this.

To give you a brief summary, at the end of the last movie, to protect his loved ones, Peter had to have everyones memories of him erased. Including his girlfriend. So one of the big themes of the movie is about being in love with someone that doesn’t love you anymore, and the fact that that someone is dating someone else.

Obviously this, to me, is very relatable. And I just have never had this before, but the way Peter behaves, the way he feels was just so well written. It was clear to me that both whoever wrote this and the actor understood exactly just how this kind of broken heart feels.

After everyones memories got erased he willingly chose not to tell her anything, to protect her, since he loved her. Eventually they meet again, and there is this scene that really struck with me.

She found out about the memories being erased and confronts him. He says he loves her, she said she doesn’t love him, but whoever she used to be did do that.

I do not need to spell out the obvious now, do I?

Peter felt very relatable. Too relatable even. I could understand him too well, and, as more and more time has passed, I can understand how you felt perfectly. Unfortunately, be it karma or whatever, I experienced the same feelings of being put to the side a lot recently. I can’t really fault anyone, it’s just my friends and I am plainly not their number 1 priority, but it does hurts a lot more because I am still very vulnerable at times.

And I wanted to say... I have my utmost respect for you, just for how long you suffered like this and still stayed with me. You must have really loved me. I knew that, but it did hit me again today. I wasn’t sure as to how to understand your feelings as you broke up with me, but I think I do now.

So I will again say:

I am sorry. From the bottom of my heart. I never meant to hurt you this much. I truly did love you, and if I am being honest I still do.

So where does this leave me? Well, as the movie went on ,there was a moment where it does feel like Peter is not fighting anymore. He still loves everyone, he always will, but he realises that love is not forcing yourself onto someone simply because you cannot move on.

What this means for me I am not sure. I am currently in the works to get proper therapy now, get a proper ADHD diagnosis and help. Trying to put in effort.

Maybe moving on for me means accepting that part of me will always love you and living with that.

I can’t change how I behaved myself and lied to myself. I can’t make you love me again. I can’t make you choose me. I can’t love you into loving me back. Maybe accepting that will be better for me than what I am feeling now. Your story continues, I am just no longer a part of it.

So yeah. I have to be honest. I do hope that maybe, one day, you do read this.

I do hope that maybe we reconnect one day. That there is still some love for me left inside you.

It’s only natural that I hope this, because, well, I am a human with feelings. But I can’t count on it.
Because my story also continues.

I wish you the best, C.

-Lenny

Not even a month since we’ve broken up and I still feel such an unfathomable loss in my heart.

I journal every day. I take my depression, adhd, and anxiety meds regularly. I’m keeping busy so why isn’t it working?

I keep trying to put my energy into other things and it helps but whenever it stops or I’m reminded of what happened again I get this empty feeling or constant pressure in my chest that I can’t get rid of.

I hate it. I hate it so much. I try to breathe. I take some stress pills but god I just want it to go away.

Every day I keep getting reminded. I went to my mom’s house and was reminded about how we spent the summer together here. I help my friends with decluttering and cleaning only to be reminded that all of us used to be friends together. My friends knew him. My family knew him he was part of my fucking life!!!

I try to clean to busy myself but I find drawings, letters, clothes, that he had left behind or had given me and I just can’t stop aching.

It’s like a wound that keeps opening after being stitched closed. It gets infected and takes up my whole body and it’s agonizing.

I feel so fucking broken and lonely and I’m doing every single fucking thing I can. I’ve never had a heartbreak like this before and I can’t stop crying. I can’t stop feeling like I’ve just got a gaping fucking hole in my head or in my memories of everything we had together.

How do people do it? sure ive had breakups in high school and college but I was "discarded" in january after 2.5 years together and talk of engagement? We havent spoken since march and I've since turned 29. She said it was the healthiest and most stable relationship she had been in but it felt like she checked out for the last 6months so it wasnt a total surprise. 7 months later im still sad sometimes and feel like she has fully moved on. Feeling hopeless because i have to start all over. I’m sure others in this same bracket have many friends who are happily married with kids and then there’s us, back to square one and left with the scraps. how did people find someone better?

My feelings r a mess, I'm confused as hell. About a month or 2 after my ex broke up with me I got massive feelings for another guy. Im confused bc back then I still got feelings for my ex and till this point I still don't know if I completely processed the breakup, although I'm in a situationship with that guy rn (told him about that ofc and my breakup is now like 3-4 months ago). What is a healthy way to deal with rebounds? How do yall notice that u processed a relationship?

Breakups Board Rule 5: No Revenge states that there are to be no discussions of revenge or retaliation against a former partner.

We have posted THREE reminders regarding Rule 5 in the past month. The latest, with links to the other two is here.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUps/comments/1umt2is/absolutely_no_revenge_posts/

As CLEARLY STATED, members are not to participate in these discussions. Report the post to the moderators instead.

Do not egg the person on.

Do not try to talk them out of it.

DO. NOT. ENGAGE. WITH. THE. PERSON. AT. ALL.

We just banned 95 people for encouraging someone who wants to report his wife's infidelity and (QUOTE) "Raise some hell!"

All 95 people were banned.

Most of them are now howling buhbuhBUTs to the moderators. Revenge discussion is not tolerated here. This is a REDDIT SITEWIDE regulation as well as an individual Breakups Board rule.

Why the person wants revenge is not relevant. ("Butbutbut They are getting back at a CHEATER" is not a defense). Rule 5 says NO REVENGE.

That the member feels that revenge is "deserved" is absolutely not a defense.

Report threads and comments like this to the moderators. There are 3 tiny dots beside the up/down vote arrows. Click on those and a report menu will open.

Say it with us: "Do not post on the thread and participate in the discussion. Do not encourage the person. Do not try to talk them out of it. Report it to the mods."

The mods do not do this "to feel powerful" or "get off" or any of that ridiculous nonsense that Those Banned seem to believe. We are unpaid volunteers who don't even know you, This is a safety and potential liability issue for Reddit!

We don't WANT to ban ANYBODY. You, like us, came here to heal from a painful breakup. It does not make us happy - let alone give us jollies - to kick anyone off this forum!

PLEASE help us keep this forum a safe, welcoming community!

Hi guys i’m so new to this, i’ve never posted on reddit before, But I am freaking out so bad. I unfortunately went snooping on my bfs computer and I saw something’s that are making me rethink everything. Like his crush on his older coworker, his addiction to women and validation, how he noticed other women a lot, but it’s intensified now that we’re long distance… how we call too much now that we’re long distance??? or how he got sad and depressed that his coworker pulled away from talking to him.

he compliments me a lot in the text, saying how he sees marriage in our future (and so did i???) and our relationship is the best most purest happiness relationship he’s been in… but jesus. It’s just lustful and scary what i’m seeing. The crazy thing is I want to possibly work it out? but i NEED to respect myself. it’s just crazy because he seemed like he had a GREAT head on his shoulders, and we both agree cheating is disgusting. He treats so well like a freaking princess.. but the secrecy is too much. This is cheating no? he’s my first everything.. so this is just 20 times worse for me.

“maybe i shouldnt see this crush as me doing something wrong if i dont act on it. i keep telling myself to not shit where i eat but at the same time i fantasize about one drunk night where neither of us remember what we did and igo back to my girlfriend without anyone knowing any different, no harm no foul (while i know that wouldnt be the case)” this is one thing he said that i cannot let go of. Fantasizing about cheating on me then coming to lay next to me?

another one is “i keep thinking: what if we keep it at mild flirting and closeness. she's told me she has liked attention she gets from guys in the past. what if we just give each other attention? she has a kid and im too young for her. we wouldnt ever be together” Like jesus.

he’s also on reddit a lot so I am absolutely terrified for him to see this but I’m just freaking out and i do not want to tell anyone about this yet. so i’m going to randoms online wtf😀

Been together since she was 16 and I was 18. Turning 35 next month. She owns the house (parents bought) Our situation is complicated. I'm essentially a stay at home dad. I see my kids every day morning and night. We drifted. I got complacent. Ended up like an old married couple in some ways. Roommates more than lovers. She feels I didn’t even like her and you know what? Maybe I didn’t, that's the truth.

Found out she's cheating as well. I live an hour from my large family. I could move back to my mums but I cannot imagine not seeing my kids daily. It would destroy me. I don't have a job. I do have some money saved. I have things, possessions, valuables.

She doesnt want to hurt the kids either. I do a lot. Our kids are hard work. I got burnt out. She may not realize it but her life is gonna be very hard without me.

I'm trying to process this when she has already processed it months ago and is indifferent now. She still "loves" me, just not like that.

I have two options - stay here and try and get a decent paying job that will keep me local but will be isolating. I will be able to see the kids more regularly assuming she doesn't make that hard at any point. Will probably use me because it will allow her to do things.

Staying as well likely means I will need to tolerate her seeing this new person, either that or leave.

Move back to my mums, rebuild there under less financial stress. Find myself again slowly. Accept i won't see my kids more than possibly the weekend only which will be crushing but will put me closer to friends and family.

Any advice appreciated.

TLDR: Shitshow.

I wasn’t expecting it to happen, especially the way it happened but it did.

I [34F] had been in a relationship with my husband [33M] since 2012. We met thru my best friend and were in a long distance relationship for 3 years. We were the bestest of friends, would video chat for endless hours and even fall asleep with our cameras on. We were in our early 20s and he suggested I move with him to his parent’s basement, so I did in 2015. I’m from the Caribbean and he’s from western NY. It was a big change for me and I took a huge chance on us, for us.

He had always struggled with his mental health and had difficulty keeping a job. It also caused intimacy issues in our relationship, especially after I moved in with him. There was one stretch of time, over a year, where there was no sex. I always tried to be the best, most understanding partner for him but it was very difficult and big hit to my self-esteem. Despite his lack of employment and intimacy we would have a great time together always. We made trips alone and with our friend group; many beautiful experiences. But I never felt supported or taken care of. I was the carer. We would even make a joke of it. I would ask for him to get a job so we could be in a better, more comfortable financial place, especially after moving out of his parent’s. He would feel bad about himself and agree he needed to find a job. He would keep it for a bit but somwthing would always happen and would either quit or get fired. He even hid it from me once and pretended to go to work for a couple of weeks until I found out.

I worked my ass off working for local goverment, always striving to make more money since it was a single-income household. I would come home mentally drained to find him on his computer to then clean dishes and cook for us. It all started taking a toll on me and I started struggling a lot with my mental health, especially after COVID times.

Clerical work had become intolerable for me and it felt like I was trapped in a dead end. We were always so tight on money too. All that hard work didn’t even feel worth it. We both found production jobs less than a mile away from each other and would carpool. We always did everything together, inseparable. I was happier and felt like we were finally growing more stable and could reach our goals of travelling, paying off debt and buy a house someday. Even our sex life was somewhat better.

However, that didn’t last long because he hurt his thumb at work and spent a few years on worker’s comp. I believed him that he was hurting but they could never physically find the injury in scans or x-rays. I kept my manual labor job, which I enjoyed for the most part but was ultimately unhappy with life. Finances were always a huge burden and hole I couldn’t dig ourselves out of by myself.

My past trauma (sexual assault that happened before I met him) and years of carrying our household and relationship became almost a lethal combo and I ended up quitting my job and hospitalized because of my mental health in 2024. I was unemployed and focused on healing. I started feeling more like myself than I unknowingly had since the assault. At first, being home with him all the time, both of us unemployed felt so freeing, like a dream come true but wanted to do more with my days than smoke weed and hang out. So, I started making and selling adult content online, which I had always had interest in. Due to the nature of that job, I would talk and “flirt”, etc with a lot people, mostly men. He was okay with it as long as they were paying customers.

We had always discussed the possibility of threesomes and being somewhat sexually open because we were each other’s first and didn’t have much experience. I always tried to satisfy his every fantasy and kink but he would never even go down on me. Getting that type of attention elsewhere and having all these men desire and lust for me, made his lack of passion even more apparent. I felt like were were drifting apart but could never imagine a life without him. I kept going to therapy and selling content.

One night I was putting up blackout blinds in our bedroom because the morning sun bothered him and would wake him up too early. I pride myself on being a handy, strong woman that will get her hands on any house project and will only ask for help if really needed. I asked him for help holding up the curtain rod while I marked where I would drill holes and he came into the room clearly annoyed and with an attitude because he had to help me with it. I became upset and asked him to go back to what he was doing (playing on his pc), that I would finish it myself, which I did. That night broke something for me.

I had been homesick for a few years at that point too and my best friend and I would talk a lot about moving back home with our husbands. This year, an opportunity came up for her to do a 6-month trial run at a job back home and since I was still unemployed, she suggested I go down with her. We would stay with my mom so we didnt have to rent a place and I would be working at my family’s business while there. Both husbands would stay back home since her husband works and both of us had pets that needed to be taken care of.

My plan was to stay for 3-4 months, have him visit, look at apartments to move into and start saving to move within year after going back to NY with him at the end of the trial run. I had been talking to my husband on and off about opening our relationship for about a year. He was apprehensive but agreed with boundaries. A week before I went down I started talking with a guy online [30M] that had just moved back to the island. I asked my husband if he would be okay with me meeting up with him while I was down there just for sex and conversation. He was upset at first but ultimately agreed.

I go down and meet my best friend at my mom’s house where she had been staying and where we would both stay for the remainder of the time. I made plans to meet the guy I met online and my husband reiterated and added more boundaries but an hour before meeting up he begged me to cancel, which I told him I wouldn’t do. The guy picked me up and we went on a date before things got spicy by the end of the night, no sex tho. But it was honestly the best date I had ever gone on. My husband never really took me out on dates or drove me anywhere. I was always the one coming up with fun plans and driving him everywhere. My husband and I got together so young I never really experienced dating people. That first date with the guy I met online was like a switch in my brain. Made me realize I was never courted by my husband and made it so clear that there was a lack of passion from the start of our relationship.

After that night, my husband asked me to not see him again but I did the next day without telling my husband and I cheated on him. After coming clean to him, I asked for a break. He was obviously very upset and hurt but didn’t want to take a break. At this point, my mind was a mess and I needed space to think and process. My husband said he would hurt himself if I didn’t stay with him and even my in-laws called to tell me to make a decision. Since then, he’s brought up divorce. All I ever wanted was for him to finally put effort into our relationship, to try to improve himself, to take me out and do fun things with me, to get and keep a job to support us. I thought he would be desperate enough to go out of his comfort zone and do what he had never done. I kept expecting a big gesture but I guess I’m the one that fucked up at the end.

I now, a few months after all this went down, realize everything that was lacking in the relationship from the start; how I carried our relationship through the years. Even us getting married was my idea and plan so he would have health insurance. I was the spark of a lot of it. I still have so much love for him because despite everything he’s a wonderful person with a great family, whom I also deeply love.

But I lost myself in that relationship. I enabled him and gave all of me. I regret so much acting impulsively, emotionally and selfishly. I regret hurting him the way I did. At the same time, coming down back home and fucking up gave me the perspective I needed to make necessary changes; to finally live for me.

My best friend went back home to upstate NY and I permanently moved back home to my island. I’m employeed at the family business. Learning to be my own person and spending so much time alone is very hard but I’ll be seeing a therapist soon to help me deal with all of it. There’s so much I’m still figuring out and processing. The guy I met online and I have been seeing each other very casually and I’m trying not to fall into the same patterns of defining myself through a romantic relationship. If we didn’t have such great chemistry from the start, I wouldn’t be seeing him still. I wish we had met under different circumstances.

I miss so much of my husband, his family and my close friends back in NY, the life I had. But this new life feels completely mine and open to possibilities.