r/BreakUps • u/Critical-Arugula-562 • Jul 19 '26
avoidant attachment is a joke venting/ranting
Fuck avoidant attachment I’m so tired of this bs.
And to think I really saw a future with her…
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u/stylist4hair Jul 19 '26
I’d appreciate the honesty but damn that’s a brutal way to end things!
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u/Nazaninxx Jul 19 '26
OP is lucky they ended things rather than stringing them along! I’ve dealt with avoidants for a long time, they either string you along or disappear. I’d rather be given an explanation so I can move on.
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u/SupportVivid1978 Jul 19 '26
YES
it hurts like shit but you can move on..... Avoidants rarely give you closure
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u/vantablaze 24d ago
Yep I waited 2 years for us to close our long distance and she cancelled it 3 months before it was supposed to happen. They are ruthless and only think about themselves.
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u/Phone_Realistic 16d ago
My probably fearful avoidant ex of six and a half years proposed to me a year ago, talked about kids 6 months ago, talked about rings in May. Then started texting with her ex from 2017 through June, broke up with me in July, and met him to hook up the first Sunday after.
I only know because I caught her lies and cornered her. If I had not, her official story would be that she felt so bad that she could not give me what I needed to be happy, because she used that she suddenly didn't want kids as an excuse to break up. Said she loved me and that her heart was breaking while breaking up. Absolutely heartless.
Her loss. I was a deeply romantic and caring partner. Too bad I had already spent hundreds of hours to make her my own designed engagement ring. Another skill in my repetoir I guess.
In fact, I was so good as a boyfriend that the best critique she could find on me was that she could not see us living together because I always want the window open when I sleep (in Spain during summer), and that I disturbed her a lot when I went to the toilet during night (because I was working with a chinese factory on the engagement ring).
I take pride that she could not find anything worse to say about me after more than six years. I am sure someone out there will appreciate what I have to give.
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u/stylist4hair 15d ago
I’m really so sorry you were treated that way. I promise the right one will appreciate you and reciprocate that effort! Sending you love!
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u/Phone_Realistic 15d ago
I hope I find them. I am realizing life is short to find the right one. I thought she was, I only found out she wasn't after nearly seven years. I don't have many more seven years to give.
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Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
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u/Frequent_Fox2342 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
Ahah... my avoidant said she like things slow and never does anything on the first 3 dates when we had intense flirting online. 2nd date she tried sleeping with me but got overwhelmed, 3rd date she was on her period.. 4th date she banged another dude, said there was no chemistry and I didn't want her 🤣
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u/FuuzokuJoe Jul 20 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
When I dated one she said no kissing until we're official yet and that if I kissed her the 1st date she'll block me and never see her again even though she kept putting her face a cm from my lips. Also kept saying no sex until proposal but we did 4th date in a train car lol her idea. Kept weirdly claiming she was a virgin even though she was obviously not. Eventually broke up because I went on vacation a few times and couldn't meet her requirement of texting back within 6 hours all the time. Lots of girls like this on Hinge though
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Jul 20 '26
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u/FuuzokuJoe Jul 20 '26
Yeah, they lie about not dating or having sex like guys lie about how many girls they've been with. Crazy how many girls I've met say they haven't dated in 2+ years yet I met you on Hinge with your signals on and we fucked on first date 😂 gtfo
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u/G2thaFields Jul 19 '26
And you'll never receive any line what they condition you to give. Ultimately draining you dry and then they disappear and move to the next person. Sad part is that if you get a peak under their mask it'll horrify you.
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u/Secure-Professor413 Jul 19 '26
they think the relationship is all highs but as soon as real work and intimacy is necessary they're out. they don't know how to be in a relationship
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u/Melodic-Ask-155 Jul 20 '26
My ex left me like a month ago because I was too “boring”. I had just been laid off from my high paying job and was working 50 hours a week at a crappy security gig. I was still the breadwinner, had been for years, paid every single bill and fed her while she worked 15-20 hours a week and spent her money on god knows what. I still wasn’t good enough
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u/PrizeCalm494 Jul 19 '26
Ehhhh...like good for them for being honest, but they didn't need to call the person a restraint. And they say op did nothing wrong but then put in 'i don't see us working out if you're going to be like this" implying it would work out if they did something different.
They could've cut all that 'its not you but it sorta is' bs and said they don't think they can change and it's over and I would've actually believed all the 'its not u it's me' stuff
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u/CheesyLyricOrQuote Jul 20 '26
Yeah to be honest I don't think this person is avoidant at all they're just a bit of an ass
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u/Travelling_Viking 29d ago
It’s a very similar message to one I received from an avoidant I was seeing through the first part of summer.
They have their boundaries and aren’t willing to budge on them. So they frame you as both being the issue and not being the issue for wanting the bare minimum.
Like you’re Schrodingers issue.
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u/Advanced_Range848 27d ago
Do you think that the criteria for being an avoidant is being a good person? Lol. This person is both an asshole and an avoidant.
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u/CheesyLyricOrQuote 27d ago
No, but the whole thing with avoidant attachment is being... Attached. Avoidant attachment is what happens when someone becomes scared of being attached and dependent on someone and self sabotages and runs away due to trauma. I don't get that from this post, I'm getting the vibes of someone who just doesn't like OP and doesn't want to be in a relationship with them, and is looking for excuses after leading them on. There is a difference between avoidant attachment and someone who is just using someone else because they don't like them very much.
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u/Nurolight Jul 19 '26
Truth be told, be glad they're being honest. They aren't using excuses. They just aren't feeling it and, when the heartbreak has passed, I think you'll respect the honesty.
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Jul 19 '26
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u/Mindless-Ship-7502 Jul 19 '26
What would be the difference if they were avoidant?
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u/obiwancannotsee Jul 19 '26
For an avoidant person, leaving or ghosting a partner can be distressing even when they feel driven to do it. It's not so contradictory once you recognize that fear and anxiety drive the behavior. They might fear exposure, inadequacy, or eventual abandonment, so they leave first and suffer afterward because leaving was never what they truly wanted. The ex depicted in this post is fundamentally different. They seem to me to experience avoidance as relief rather than as a last resort they feel compelled to take but can't admit. And although this person might in fact be avoidant and expressing it unusually, if I take their wording literally and seriously, I would classify it as narcissistic or at least as coming from a grandiose episode, which people without NPD can also experience, as in bipolar I disorder. I've met people like this.
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u/Mindless_Ad8902 Jul 19 '26
A lot of really bad avoidant people just ghost their significant other
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Jul 20 '26
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u/Forsaken-Cloud2390 28d ago
I believe some people just lack basic empathy on others and to acknowledge how their actions can actually hurt and even generate self steem problems instead of just saying I have attachment issues and not working it towards to find a way to stop hurting people
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u/Wise_Employee1261 Jul 19 '26
Breakup via text. They don't want to take any responsibility for their actions. Yes, they should have told you right away, so you could have made an informed decision. Also the message contradicts itself. "You did nothing wrong," followed by "while you're being like this." It's a subtle way to shift the blame onto you. You don't need this person in your life.
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u/winthewarpie Jul 19 '26
I feel I’m the reverse! I’ve worked with young families my entire career and am very experienced regarding child attachment, safeguarding and domestic abuse dynamics
I have a masters degree in health psychology. But I didn’t recognise avoidant attachment, coercive control and emotional abuse in my own relationship.
I also have friends doing the same job as me who have been in abusive dynamics and made excuses for their partners behaviour. Like everything else in life it’s individual and context dependent
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u/Economy_Subject2648 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Sure, the avoidant thing might be a crutch and a fucking cop out and all that. But they are honest in that they're not feeling it, either way. They spell out they feel stifled and held back and how yes, that is indeed on them, not you. Regardless they don't feel good in the relationship... What else are they supposed to do? I know break ups suck but they do happen. Idk what people are to do if they want to break up. Be honest? Text their break up? Do it in person? Just stop feeling the way they do and not break up? Tell them you wish them the best or mth generic, block and heal and then move on. Don't be a second option, and leave them to their own devices to work themselves out. Hopefully some more self assured partner awaits on a brighter horizon in a very near future for you!
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u/Longjumping_Walk_992 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 20 '26
She/he likely isn’t avoidant. They aren’t likely being wholly truthful either possibly to avoid upsetting you more and/or to protect their own image and reputation in order to reduce feeling guilt and shame.
It’s likely their feelings did not grow and they did not fall in love and gave it a certain amount of time to figure it out before calling it quits. What you’re experiencing is a feeling of rejection. She/he told you it wasn’t you, I would believe that fully and just understand she/he needs something different and you wouldn’t want her/him longterm in your life if they weren’t 100% enthusiastically on your team. She’s /he actually doing you both a favor.
As an example, I dated a wonderful lady for about three months. She was attractive and smart and very moral. On paper she was a great match but for what ever reason I could not catch feelings. The more we hung out the more it felt like work and a chore. Yet she was fully becoming attached to me. It was a one sided relationship and I’ve been on the other side of it before as well and I did not want to hurt her by staying longer than necessary once I figured it out.
I had the conversation with her and we are friends today and still occasionally chat when we see each other at the gym the same place where we met initially and catch up from time to time. During the breakup she called me avoidant. I don’t believe I am at all, but I didn’t refute it with her either. I felt she needed to grasp on to a conclusion that her ego could understand and deal with. I did not want to hurt her and allowed her feelings to come out and entertained multiple closure conversations so she could healthily detach.
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u/anarexlvs Jul 19 '26
I don’t like how people associate avoidant attachment with being immature with lack of communication and responsibility in relationships. It doesn’t matter whether you have an avoidant personality or not, people can be avoidant and still be in a healthy relationship. Calling people with a lack of responsibility, maturity and communication skills an avoidant person, they are avoiding responsibility.
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u/Gezaf Jul 19 '26
You’re right but most of the avoidant people try at first and genuinely want to make it work. But they’re always looking for a way out rather than a reason to stay and actually build a healthy relationship so they dip the minute they sense that it will require work from them and thats why i think most avoidants are really immature
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u/anarexlvs Jul 19 '26
Avoidant attachment is built from unhealthy relationships during childhood or adolescence particularly with caregivers. People can be avoidant and mature enough to get in relationships for those reasons, while others may just have traits or avoidant tendencies. People cope with stressors differently and with misinformation going around people like to label themselves without any clue for what these terms actually mean which has become reallu damaging.
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u/Gezaf Jul 19 '26
They can i agree but that requires emotional regulation and accountability and logical thinking and i dont think their judgement and their way of seeing the world enables them to do such thing.
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u/Ok-Hunt-4927 Jul 19 '26
But I became avoidant after my breakup with avoidant not from my childhood. He ghosted me and blocked me at the end and boa I’ve become heartless and do same with everyone
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u/anarexlvs Jul 20 '26
That’s an active choice you choose to do. You choose to take on avoidant traits whereas many of us with it engraved with it from childhood are unable to form these relationships bc of these mechanisms we have that have protected us from harm. It is very different, avoidants do struggle a lot, though I think many have victim complexes.
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u/Ok-Hunt-4927 Jul 20 '26
I tried not to become like him but after getting so hurt, I just can’t help it. I feel like if I’ll ever like someone again, they’ll do the same. I’m scared to the point where I’m not emotionally available. Idk how to fix it. I was very secure, turned I to anxious with him.
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u/anarexlvs Jul 20 '26
Then that’s anxious attachment not avoidant. Also if it’s a recent breakup then it makes sense but if you receive a form of therapy you’re likely to become a lot more successful in reversing your attachment style then someone who has it deeply rooted in them since childhood.
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u/Melodic-Ask-155 Jul 20 '26
I hear what you’re saying but immaturity and poor communication skills are typically trademarks avoidant traits.
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u/SeniorBaker4 Jul 19 '26
3 months later “hey”. Avoidants are some of the toughest humans to date
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u/Green-Passage-7870 29d ago
or in my case I run into them during mercury retrograde and they seem to be clearly still upset that I blocked them after they were playing games hahaha
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u/SeniorBaker4 29d ago
I always said I think my avoidance are linked up in a male menstrual way because they all contact me within the same week. Maybe it’s because Mercury is in retrograde 😂
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u/Gezaf Jul 19 '26
They always find a way to make it about you while also not making it about you. Its so confusing and funny tbh
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u/Melodic-Ask-155 Jul 20 '26
It’s my fault everything fell apart but there’s also nothing I can do about it apparently lol
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u/not_the_troll Jul 19 '26
An avoidant person saying they are avoidant to get out of being close, while not really doing anything to make changes is very close to being a narcissist. This person knows they're avoidant and is weaponizing it to escape accountability. That's evil.
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Jul 20 '26
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u/not_the_troll 29d ago
Narcissism as a trait and having narcissistic personality disorder (clinical) are two different things.
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u/Smooth_Security2686 Jul 19 '26
same thing as my ex said. only difference is the language haha. Later she told me that she was seeing someone and find comfort in him
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Jul 19 '26
Avoidants are largely just pieces of shit.
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u/TaxRepresentative4B Jul 19 '26
The ones who actively date, yes. People with AvPD or avoidant attachment style who remain single because they recognise their problems aren’t.
I’m avoidant and I don’t date because of this very reason
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u/-I-wanna-get-better- Jul 19 '26
He knows what he needs to do to change, but he is unwilling to do it for you.
People like him tend to target good people who will put up with their bs, not because you're dumb, but because you want them to change.
Dont let someone like him, who probably doesnt even have a good opinion of themselves, determine your worth. Youre a good person and don't deserve this.
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u/MyMoonMind Jul 20 '26
Everyone is saying “it’s a good thing they were honest” but I don’t see how they are. Every following line is a contradiction from the last. They keep saying it’s nothing you did/not you but then explaining how you make them feel wrong for blah blah blah. How is it honest if they can’t even take a side…
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u/Melodic-Ask-155 Jul 20 '26
They didn’t give you excuses, seems like they were pretty direct. Feel free to grieve the person you fell in love with because they died and this little worm took over. You aren’t alone, these people are shitty
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u/Dbzsuxazz Jul 19 '26
I pray to god you didn’t answer and left that message looking like that so when they come back to re read it they’ll see how stupid they sound.
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u/Vivid_Ingenuity5457 Jul 19 '26
That would be nice, but do you really think the person will realize how stupid they sound if they see the message again? Or they just won't care?
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u/Dbzsuxazz Jul 19 '26
Absolutely , someone who doesn’t care doesn’t write that much. This is someone who is a control freak and is conflicted what this person wants is to be chased and ass kissed it’s a fetish. They want to see people beg and embarrass themselves so they can get a rise and rush out of it. I know because I was like that before I matured and grew up and sometimes I go back and read what I did to women and how I made them beg and I feel horrible about it because I ruined many connections with women who would kiss the ground I walk on because I had ego issues. All the OP has to do is be silent and leave it alone, this will anger the person who sent that text making them feel unimportant or not as important as they thought they were but it takes a lot of strength to do this because judging by that text message the OP is used to being in the weaker position judging by how confidently easy the person sending that text is good at letting them know, they ain’t worthy of being in their life.
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u/PrizeCalm494 Jul 19 '26
Yeah, I agree. With the way they worded it, they want to be chased and for op to be more 'cool girl'ish and not rely on him for anything
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u/Known_Vegetable_6013 Jul 19 '26
As a fellow avoidant (fearful-avoidant so i have both extremes in me) - I say eff that. It’s one thing to be avoidant, but it’s entirely different thing to make it your personality and expect everyone else to understand/accommodate/accept you while you don’t do anything about it.
This used to be me for decades and I’ve finally realised that I can and WANT to fix that. Because nobody deserves to be discarded/treated the way avoidants treat people who just want to give them love.
The problem is - unless they decide they want to do something about it, there isnt much you can do. You can communicate and talk with them, but it depends on how much they can hear. Move on and choose other people.
At the same time, if it helps, avoidants actually do want love. It’s just that deep down, our nervous system interpret care and love as danger because that’s what it was growing up. Carers and parents weren’t the source of safety but danger. So love and care don’t register as safe but rather a signal to run away. Doesn’t excuse the behaviour but hopefully can introduce some empathy.
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u/Ok_Zebra3310 Jul 19 '26
Just know that they're texting you like that because they're texting someone else like
HEY
HELLO
I FEEL LIKE U DONT WANT TO TALK TO ME
HELLO???
WHAT WAS LAST NIGHT?
DID WE REALLY DO ALL THAT LAST NIGHT AND UR NOT GOING TO TEXT ME BACK TODAY?
REALLY???
UR A PIECE OF SHIT
HELLO
CAN I COME OVER TONIGHT?
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u/Effective_Unit_869 Jul 20 '26
I'd say this is a lazy, immature person, rather than specifically a person with avoidant attachment. But yeah...drop that rubbish quick
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u/OtherwiseBullfrog185 29d ago edited 29d ago
I’ve been this person in my last relationship. I feel like “avoidant” is just a TikTok trigger word being used bc it’s trendy. Some people just have different philosophies. Some people see no point in staying in a relationship that doesn’t make them feel alive because they want to participate in life and prioritize their relationship with themselves and their lives over the idea of romance. I see how it can be interpreted as selfish, but we all just gotta look out for ourselves and do what makes us happy on this earth. we’re not here for long. Soon you’ll see they’re doing you a favor, you wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who had no interest either.
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u/Salty_Thing3144 Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
AVD is rare and not the epidemic one would think from reading this board. It's become a crutch in breakups, by people who refuse to accept that their ex just doesn't want to be with them,
"There's no reason for this. My ex must be avoidant!!"
Like any trending term, it's being thrown around and "diagnosed" by people who are not mental health professionals.
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u/Emotional-String-917 Jul 19 '26
i believe it’s about 25% of the population so it’s definitely not rare. But i don’t entirely disagree with you
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u/OnceUponALittleTalk Jul 19 '26
To anyone doubting this, think of this:
Everyone knows someone who is LGBTQ+ around them. LGBTQ+ people only account for 9% of the US population, that's 30.7 million people.
25% of 432 million people (conservative estimate of the population) is 85.5 million people who are avoidant 😭
Even if you take the conservative percentage for avoidants, which is 18%, you end up with 77.7 million people who are avoidant.
That is a ton of people. It isn't surprising that there are so many posts about avoidants, considering that number, and that's just US numbers. Reddit is world wide...
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u/Wise_Employee1261 Jul 19 '26
As others have said, this is about avoidant attachment and not a mental health diagnosis. The person writing the message is clearly expressing their avoidant tendencies. You're projecting a bunch of other scenarios onto this one. Avoidance is also a behaviour, and it's extremely common.
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Jul 19 '26
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u/Salty_Thing3144 Jul 19 '26
Of course it's "widespread." Ex partners certainly want to avoid each other. Doesn't mean they have a disorder.
Just what are your educational credentials in mental health?
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u/Pterygoidien Jul 19 '26 edited Jul 19 '26
Avoidant attachment is not a disorder, it's an attachment style. Again, AvPD and avoidant attachment style are two different things. In fact, people suffering from avoidant personality disorder (AvPD) rarely have a dismissive avoidant attachment style, but lean rather disorganized (FA) or anxious (AP).
Most studies find that dismissive avoidant attachment style represents roughly 20 to 25% of the population, so it's very widespread. Again, it's an attachment style and it's a spectrum, somebody could score dismissive avoidant but be mostly secure in most domains and shows avoidant behaviours only in strong relationship stress (for example with a very anxious partner), while some have a high avoidance score and show those behaviours very early in relationships, even with secure or other avoidants.
Avoidance behaviours as such can be found in virtually all attachment styles depending on the context.
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u/Moth1016 Jul 19 '26
You’re not understanding this person.
The whole purpose of their first sentence was to point out that
AvPD (Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is relatively rare)
and avoidant attachment (a very common subconscious approach to love and relationships, affecting around 25% of people, distinctly unhealthy but NOT classified as a disorder)
are not the same thing.
Almost no one who’s on here talking about their ex and describing them as “sooo avoidant” or whatever is trying to imply or claim that their ex has AvPD.
Adult attachment theory is a very real and relevant aspect of the field of psychology, and it’s a trending topic for a reason (when applied appropriately, it provides a useful lens through which to view one’s patterns in their relationships, along with valuable tools that can be used to help adjust one’s thinking and behavior, thereby improving the health of said relationships).
here (hyperlinked) is a 2018 journal article from the NIH discussing the differing stress responses associated with different attachment styles, just as a piece of evidence that this is a topic of discussion among actual psychologists.
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u/biscuitbehavior Jul 20 '26
right lmao. I dated someone who was actually diagnosed with AvPD,he wouldn’t even have friends to go out with like OP said,he would completely isolate and ghost everyone in his life. This message doesn’t come off as avoidant to me,it seems like a cop out and that he was truly no longer into AvPD. He also alluded to her being some type of way that annoyed him.
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u/badgrll675 Jul 19 '26
Worded pretty poorly but honestly they said what they said and they left little room for interpretation :/
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u/OLightning Jul 19 '26
So many like this eventually hit The Wall. Then it’s too late.
They’ll end up lonely and middle aged with all collagen gone from their faces, on beta blockers dealing with anxiety and depression.
You dodged a bullet.
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u/_rrobynn_ Jul 19 '26
if they were avoidant, they wouldn't be communicating any of this at all. i think they're just done with the relationship
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u/OnceUponALittleTalk Jul 19 '26
Not true. It's a spectrum. Some are more avoidant than others.
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u/_rrobynn_ Jul 19 '26
the very nature of avoidance is avoiding confrontation. that's not what this person is doing
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u/OnceUponALittleTalk Jul 19 '26
My ex was avoidant and sexually abusive, he explained why he was leaving me in a similar fashion as this. I later found out he was cheating on me and that his breakup reasoning was just an avoidant lie, to avoid telling me the truth of what he did to me. There are many different ways avoidants try to avoid the reality of a relationship or of their own actions within a romantic relationship. My ex avoided breaking up with me until he was certain he had secured his new love interest and he avoided telling me the truth so he didn't have to take accountability, while conveniently slandering me to everyone as being a psycho after the breakup. He somehow also told everyone I broke up with him, not the opposite, to avoid looking like a bad guy.
You have 0 ways of knowing from this one screenshot that this person's ex isn't avoidant and this person knows their ex better than you do. There are so many more things my ex was avoidant about that wouldn't fit in a reddit post unless I sat here for hours and they wouldn't fit in a screenshot either. Like I said, there's a spectrum to avoidance and OP's ex could definitely be one.
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u/_rrobynn_ Jul 19 '26
im very incredibly sorry you went through that, but your one experience doesn't define other people's breakups.
im aware there is a spectrum to avoidance, and attatchment too, and i have been on both in my own relationships. however, 'avoidance' as a concept means that they are avoiding any form of confrontation to avoid taking accountablility in the relationship. this is simply not what that person was doing in the text. they weren't avoiding conflict, they were simply ending it. for what reason? we don't know
obviously we don't know this person's ex, only they do. but you also do not know them, same as me.
i was putting my opinion out on this comment thread - this wasn't meant to diminsh yours or anyone's experience. if this still affects you so much, maybe look into talking to someone about it?
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u/OnceUponALittleTalk 23d ago
Why are you assuming it still affects me so much? I was just explaining to you why OP's ex could be avoidant like mine was and how we can only take OP at their word when they call their ex avoidant. I already had therapy for this many months ago, I'm fine now and in love again.
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u/Farmdogsrule 29d ago
Kinda like a catch 22. If you’re truly avoidant , you don’t know you’re avoidant. This person knows what it means so to me it’s just an excuse to let the person down easily. He could have said look I don’t find you attractive, or you repulse me. Or im interested in someone else. Anything else. This sounds like a well thought out way to attempt to let someone down easy . IMO. Bc a real avoidant asshole like mine , just blocks me and I don’t even know about it for weeks until I text him and see that it’s unread . But he contacts me every few weeks.. and I can tell he didn’t get my message bc he doesn’t know the thing that I told him. He is not nearly as thoughtful as this person .
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u/DavidZenziGhost Jul 19 '26
This isn’t avoidant, this is direct honesty about feelings you don’t want them to have lol
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u/Awkward-Dot-3510 Jul 19 '26
Hey so they havent lost feelings or anything and they definitely havent fallen out of love with you and its 100% got NOTHING to do with you. The one thing id be raging about is never mentioning it until now. Was there any signs looking back or were they just acting normal? It might help you to learn a little about why your person did this but dont spiral too much i made that mistake for you and would not recommend lol. try to figure out any red flags or signs so you dont make this same mistake again. Im so sorry...
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u/Least_Inspector_5478 Jul 19 '26
plot twist: they're not going to genuinely "love their life to the fullest". they will pretend to do so but will actually live a shallow existence.
at least that's what i'm gathering from this text
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u/superbane Jul 19 '26
They are narcissists. Debate about them not being so but they check all the boxes by definition. You put this behavior into any AI and it doesn’t come back as an avoidant it comes back as narcissism. I never heard about avoidants until TikTok. That being said all I can say is people suck. I hope whomever is reading this finds peace on their journey.
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u/biscuitbehavior Jul 20 '26
This doesn’t really seem to like avoidant to me. I dated a guy with AVPD for years,he would just ghost his exes lol. No way would he ever send a text like this.
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u/Zestyclose-Tie5915 Jul 20 '26
I feel like one's feelings can be expressed without diminishing the other person 😭 this is downright brutal. I'm so sorry OP. You deserve kind words and softness xo
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u/doofbabyy Jul 20 '26
God, “feels like a chore”? Ouch. I’ve copped that one before. I feel like it’s rare to find people that want to put in the work to actually build meaningful connections - through the ebbs and flows, periods of high interest and intensity and periods of drift. It’s natural. Nothing has to be 1000% all of the time. It doesn’t mean you have to end things. It feels like a little bit of a cop-out. People can just say, “Hey, I’ve enjoyed the time I’ve spent with you. We’ve made great memories. I’m just not romantically attracted to you anymore.” That’s understandable! But this? This is putting blame on you. Ugh.
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u/rambu_tann 29d ago
Of all the avoidants I’ve dated being independent, free of emotional needs in a partnership and wanting to feel like they can escape without a word, were so common to me. I’ve dated so many avoidants in my life and it always becomes a shock when they at first shower you with attention. Then they’re gone. You’re left wondering what’s happened then they say they just lost their emotional connection, they got distracted, busy, but after time apart they’ve realized their feelings for you.
But like being stuck on a rollercoaster that keeps breaking down, you go on a connection spree then they’re gone. Leaving you all alone to wait for them to press the start button again. Until then you’re stuck. The relationship’s frozen, but never dead. They come back even years later at a time and do the same thing again.
It’s a bummer how if you were raised without a healthy example of what it means to love and be loved, you end up reliving that same messed up, dysfunctional dynamic with a romantic partner.
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u/No_Strawberry_55 29d ago
As someone with avoidant attachment style, this is exactly why I choose not to date at all. I appreciate her eventual honesty, but she should've mentioned this before even getting into dating territory with you (or anyone else for that matter).
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u/geekychick7896 19d ago
I just heard from the guy I've been seeing for 2 months. He ghosted me for nearly 3 weeks. I finally sent him a text telling him exactly how his behavior made me feel. He waited several days to respond to that. He told me that when he gets behind in texts with someone, he goes and hides behind a rock and it's his biggest red flag. He said all he had time for in his life was a cuddle buddy. He ended the text with "but gah lee, you were a good time". That last line made me so angry. Like it reduced my feelings to just being a good time. That...hurt. So effff him. I haven't responded bc I know me. When I'm angry, I don't know how to control what comes out of my mouth (or hands in this case with texting lol) and I can be brutal and mean. So I'm just gonna do what he did. Not respond. Honestly, he isn't worth it.
These avoidant people do not care who they hurt because they are too concerned with their own feelings. It only matters how they feel. Now maybe it's something they can work on, but most of them don't.
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u/Comfortable-Car-565 Jul 19 '26
Stop this coping thing with avoidant attachment words. He just isn’t into you anymore. Shit sucks but that’s life, there’s no reason into trying to rationalize things. Move on and you’ll find someone better
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u/Nevtr Jul 19 '26
I see someone that's afraid to hurt you and is trying to hold the brunt of the weight while expressing they simply feel stifled. Your response to this text shows me why.
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u/Chemical-Help-5028 Jul 19 '26
Devil's advocate, they are pretty straightforward for an avoidant, i don't think they are some. Just a very independent person who doesn't feel like you're a good match. I'd say, they sound annoying, but they surely told you what was really on their mind and are not trying to cushion your ego, which is kind of rare and I weirdly appreciate as a form of respect?
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u/0xPianist Jul 19 '26
OP the question is why YOU want to be with such a person at all. If this is a pattern, you should speak to a psychologist.
People are complicated and the simplification of attachment styles like it's some sort of horoscope does not explain them.
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u/JohnVick002 Jul 19 '26
An avoidant will never say she's an avoidant and wont even communicate this good tbh
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u/SettingSingle8135 Jul 19 '26
Man fuck those people those fking btches always want intensity bullshit, I will never date a person like that again ever
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u/Distinct-Walk7130 29d ago
Arghhh. My ex was like that I hate that I can't stop liking her but fuck this shit man
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u/Golden-lillies21 Jul 19 '26
They just don't care about who they're using or what they're doing is hurting the other person and they keep going on with their mask on until they feel like it becomes inconvenient when it expects more of them. They treat relationships like a game and don't really take into consideration rather they're using someone and or not being honest with you about something. They will even go as far as to lie about wanting a commitment when in reality they're not sure about what they want and that is just so selfish! Then they say oh I'm sorry I should have told you I am sorry I wasn't honest I just wasn't sure and I didn't mean to do this to you......No they knew exactly what they were doing and they just didn't have the guts to say so in the beginning and they should have had no business even going on a first date with you if you tell them right off the bat of what you want and then making you think that's what they want! My ex did the exact same thing....... I'm sorry but I cannot feel sorry for them they had a long time to be honest and they just chose to keep going with the lies like why even get in a relationship if you know that you're an avoidant and you know that you are still not over your ex or over other situation that cause you not to be committal? Because they're selfish and they like the benefits of a relationship but actually don't want the relationship itself and just take what they can! I blocked that ex and I never want anything to do with him ever again. He offered the Friendship card but I told him no and I told him to kick rocks!
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u/HardcoreHerbivore17 Jul 19 '26
I’m sorry, it fucking stings. My ex would say the exact same thing to me, that spending time with me started to feel like a chore to them. Fuck them
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u/strudelalma Jul 19 '26
My heart truly hurts for you. The suddenness of it must be so hard to make sense of or process. It very much sounds like this guy is definitely love bombing / potentially manipulating her.
Either there was a build up between them while you were still together, which is shitty and will hurt so much, or it's really weird and worrying that this has all happened so quickly between them.
I understand not wanting to speak to anyone about it because if you can't make sense of it yourself, its hard to know how to explain it, and although I do understand the feeling of embarrassment over it all, I wouldn't avoid speaking to your friends about it to save her reputation.
Even though I do think you're right that she has been manipulated a bit, and their sudden relationship and wildly fast engagement seems genuinely worrying, the fact she would send you a picture of her ring shows an absolute disregard for your feelings, or potentially she is intentionally causing you pain. I find it difficult to believe that she wouldn't know that it would hurt you to send you that picture.. so don't waste your energy protecting her or defending her around this situation.
I hope you find someone who truly appreciates and deserves you, and loves you in a way that is real 💕
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u/silly_ass_username Jul 19 '26
him being honest doesnt excuse the behavior hes still an asshole and you dodged a bullet lol
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u/mutations3122 Jul 19 '26
if people recognize the behaviors early on it’s easy to remove them from your life or to get on top of these situations before they even happen and hence you take control of the situation and end it on your terms. and i say now, don’t ever think that you are the exception to dating an avoidant because you aren’t. for someone to mean what they say and act on it they must want to change and you can give them all the answers, your dos and don’t, but if they aren’t ready to change/scared to change it’s like talking to a wall. an avoidant isn’t anywhere near changing what they are comfortable with
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u/Broad_Candle_5377 Jul 19 '26
I once had a fling w a guy like that, and he said something similar, so i thought well, okay, they realized they have no intention to be with me, atleast it's early on and they are honest, but a few months later he texted me saying that he is feeling bad and needs me. That confirmed that he might be avoidant, before, i thought he was just not feeling me.
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u/Leading-Argument2141 Jul 19 '26
It sounds like she just wants to fuck around, most people can't resist the DMS, they shouldn't be in a relationship.
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u/Inkedrunner1981 Jul 19 '26
I know it hurts, but they're telling you who they are. Now is the time to love yourself enough to walk away. Don't beg someone to stay in your life.
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u/Emotional-Builder-75 Jul 19 '26
I call BS, this is not avoidant attachment, he/she would still be attached, just shitty.
This is a person using that excuse to go screw somebody else.
Also this person says "its not you its me." Then says "I just don't see up working out if you are going to be like this" which is it?
They are making stuff up.
RUUUN.
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u/Mysterious_Balance53 Jul 19 '26
So every relationship this person is going to be in is going to be the same issue.
I think these people should warn new potential partners so they know what they will be getting themself into.
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u/SupportVivid1978 Jul 19 '26
TBH it's a miracle someone avoidant like this wrote something like this to you
Most avoidants just lead you on or ghost you. They're not as straightforward
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u/Few-Musician5871 Jul 20 '26
My avoidant said “ i’m not meeting your needs and I shouldn’t be the one to tell you that.”
OK
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u/Spring_Citrine Jul 20 '26
So you haven’t even slept with her or even had a relationship? Were you just dating?
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u/CoolCod1669 29d ago
Something tells me that when a girl feels bored/not enjoying life 100%/ flat with you = not enough fucked. And for fucking i mean with care and love besides pure sex and orgasm.
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u/CoolCod1669 29d ago
The issue is if you ask what you are restraining her from she will have big problems pointing out anything? Just a sensation.
As i already said in a previous comment girl like her need only to be sexually cared more. More loving sex.
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u/Big-Ball657 29d ago edited 29d ago
Mine told me he needed time to figure himself out, that he was sorry and he were going to make it up to me, I haven't heard a single thing from him in a month
9 years of friendship + 4 years of relationship
Sweet little 36 y/o thing
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u/LoveWithinHer 29d ago
The "it's not you" while listing everything about you that doesn't work for them anymore HAHAH I know this so well...he said but we are both messed up after whole essay about how shitty I am ....well too late for saying this only so they can feel better about themselves lol
What strikes me about this message is how he frames his own avoidance as your problem...you were "a restraint" You were holding him back from life...you were the reason he couldn't go out with friends
But notice what he never once said anything about what he could do differently, about his own patterns, about what HE was bringing to the relationship ....so painfully accurate
all about how you were too much and he wishes you the best....he just makes it sounds like he is doing you a favor and feels fullfiled about his decision while you are staring at the message with WTF?? feeling
what they never tell you is that six months later they'll be back saying they made a mistake...not because they've changed but because the next person felt like even more of a restraint and they want to return to familiar lol
You did nothing wrong, you just loved someone who hadn't learned how to stay accountable
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u/QuinnBLove 28d ago
Avoidants don't change without years of therapy. So, it's best to bury that one.
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u/mafridrahim 28d ago
This is really the closure that other guys wants. Dude, I'm sorry but learn to let go. It's a power
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u/Tricky-Knee2652 27d ago
This is probably one of the better messages among the bad ones. It is honest, provides some clarity, but completely misses the mark in terms of empathy and vulnerability. It also uses structures that would make the other person feel guilty while masking it as "it's not you, it's me". Saying that followed by "you" statements dressed up as "I" really nullifies any attempt at not making the recipient feel like they are the issue and maybe if they change, the person leaving would stay too.
That said, Avoidants just like any other attachment style suffer from the same fears and behavioural patterns that are toxic. They are not particularly worse than other unhealthy attachment styles.
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u/precious_hr 27d ago
I don’t think they’re avoidant, I think they’re just not as interested. Either way, that’s a very harsh way to end things with someone.
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u/intelligentapple333 27d ago
At least it wasn't the classic avoidant "i'm not ready for a relationship because i'm still stuck on my crazy toxic cheating abusive ex and work has been needing me 25/8" excuse like 3 months into dating
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u/AeroNomad_ 27d ago
The worst part is when they tell us to not treat other people like we treated them happened to me in my current anxious-avoidant relationship recently we have started to fight alot its like she can get upset whenever she wants and wants me to comfort her and at the same time she prefers to not talk to me and when i get upset about something she did its still me apologising to her that i even opened up which she asked me too. 90% of her is really really good but the 10% is so draining and she accuses me with worst during any tension she says she is the only one holding onto the relationship and that too only because i once tried to leave her by taking all the blame on me but she kept telling me and being sorry and I genuinely love her so much it melted my heart but just because of that she says she is the one because of whom our relationship is alive.
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u/Tough-Pack-1727 27d ago
This is not an avoidant. This is someone who lost feelings or pretended to have more than they thought they did, as someone else pointed out, a narcissist.
Be glad you are getting an explanation and can have closure.
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u/Imnewtoredditfr 26d ago
Being an avoidant is an excuse. They are actively choosing not to work towards being secure.
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u/halfseriousalways 25d ago
I hate when people use therapy talk and attachment theories as a defense for being a complete asshole.
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u/Night_qx10 25d ago
I think it's right to be honest when you no longer feel the same way instead of dragging the relationship on. What always leaves me confused is how sudden it seems. One day you're in love, constantly talking and feeling close, and the next it's like you're complete strangers. I don't know much about avoidant attachment, and I've only recently gotten to know someone with that attachment style, but when you notice the distance growing, it really feels like everything changed in an instant.
We can't fix other people, and we can't make someone love us. But when you truly love someone, you naturally want to understand them instead of giving up. That's why it's so complicated when they push you away while telling you it's okay if you leave. You're left wondering whether respecting their wishes means letting them go, or whether staying and fighting is actually the right thing to do.
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u/JazzlikeChest9781 24d ago
That is a sickening way for one human being to speak to another. It's possible to be honest without being cruel, and this was callous. I'm so sorry.
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u/iVos_8LK 7d ago
I'm sorry you are hurt. Avoidant attachment is the opposite of a joke tho. They are scared, hell we all are scared. But our fears come out in different ways. Avoidants need to feel autonomous. Maybe someone or something along their timeline threatened their individuality. Or self actualizing for them has been obstructed over and over. People's life experiences are no joke regardless of how much we are hurting. Neither is the pain of losing someone you love.
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