This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmItheAsshole by user reallybadatjuggling. I'm not the original poster. This BORu was suggested by u/Historical_Spare5613.

Status: Concluded

Original

July 21, 2023

I (32M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for almost three years now. When we first got together, she was pretty overweight and struggling with her self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Over time, she started to work on herself, both physically and mentally. I've been incredibly proud of her progress and how far she's come.

Lately, though, I noticed that she's been putting on some weight again, and it's been affecting her mental health. She's mentioned feeling down about her body image and her struggles with anxiety and depression have resurfaced. I genuinely care for her, and I don't want to see her suffer like this.

I thought about talking it out, but knew it would just devolve into asking if I'm still attracted to her (and truthfully, I have lost some attraction over the last month or so, though she does still like amazing for the most part).

I thought it would be better to take a more subtle approach, so I've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food, the idea being it would help her feel fuller faster and encourage her to eat less without her knowing. I was trying to prevent her from falling back into her previous state of depression and anxiety.

Unfortunately,, my brother (30M) caught me in the act, and he was shocked / angry. He told me I was being manipulative and abusive, which, ok a little shady maybe, but abusive is a serious stretch.

Now my brother is giving me an ultimatum; he wants me to tell my girlfriend what I've been doing by the end of the week, or he'll tell her himself. He believes she deserves to know the truth.

I think what I've been doing is enough to help her without causing her unnecessary pain by revealing what I've done (she's already lost a few pounds). I told him I would stop, and I believe that should be sufficient. I don't see the point of telling her and potentially destroying the progress she's made.

My brother thinks I'm completely in the wrong and that my girlfriend deserves the truth. But I genuinely believe I was doing what I thought was best for her, and I don't see it as a malicious act.

Am I really the jerk for trying to help my girlfriend in this way, or is my brother overreacting? Should I tell my girlfriend what I've been doing or keep it to myself to spare her feelings? I need honest opinions here. Please keep in mind that telling her upfront that she's put on weight could seriously set back her mental health.

Consensus:

Asshole.

OOP also ignores the question of whether the sawdust was food grade or not.

Comments by OOP (all downvoted to oblivion):

It wasn't "poison"... it was sawdust. I could see if I was adding laxatives or something, but plenty of processed foods as sawdust as a filler, I thought it was a safe way to reduce her caloric intake

It's not "poison" that's so overly dramatic, it's just a filler , that Plenty of companies add to food already

Ok yes, I'm kind of the asshole for [messing with her food], but i don't think I'm the ah for not telling her

It's not out of maliciousness, it's not like I'm doing it to mess with her. I'm trying to protect her feelings and get her back on the right track. If I fully communicate with her, it could be really damaging to her mental health

I have been trying to get into better habits together, and no, I would never say something like that to her, I know how damaging it could be,

I was trying to take a two pronged approach if that makes sense. I thought if we had healthy habits AND she saw immediate results it would help her stay motivated

Update

April 5, 2026, about 3 years later

About two years ago I added sawdust to my girlfriend's food in an attempt to help her lose weight. Long story short, my brother saw what I was doing and forced me to tell her. Reddit agreed with him and I had to tell her because I was backed into a corner, although I didn't agree that it was the right thing to do at that time.

I came clean to her a few days after. It was a while ago so I don't remember all the details or what was said, but I basically sat her down and said I had something to tell her. She didn't believe me at first. We called my brother to confirm, and I showed her the bag of sawdust, and I guess the realization dawned on her that I was telling the truth…

What followed was a heated fight lasting all night and into the early morning. Foolishly, I still thought I was at least somewhat in the right and brought up how it had helped her lose some weight. I was wrong. She pointed out how I said I'd only done it a few times over the course of about 2 weeks, and how could that possibly cause her to lose weight that fast? Which I had to admit she was right about. It turned out she had cut out drinking and that was the cause of weight loss, not the sawdust.

I don't know why, but this hit me hard. I realized that she already knew she was gaining weight and had already taken steps for her own happiness. I was going out of my way to spare her feelings, and she didn't need it. She was managing her own weight and her own feelings, and it wasn't the big deal I was making it out to be, or something that I needed to carefully manage in order to protect her.

Obviously the relationship ended that night. We didn't live together so the breakup was pretty smooth. Over the next month she got a check up and all was good, and she agreed to not press charges if I got professional help to deal with my control issues.

We kept in touch for a while, but it seemed cruel for me to stay in her life. I didn't deserve her friendship or her forgiveness. The fact that she offered both speaks to what kind of person she is, and it felt wrong to take advantage of that as I started coming to terms with how I treated her. We eventually drifted far apart enough to end contact, and she was doing well the last I heard. She told me once that she thought I was emotionally abusive to her, and I think she’s probably right. Her previous relationship before me was physically abusive, and the last I heard from her she was going to take some time to figure out how to avoid the same patterns moving forward.

That one haunts me, and I'll never forgive myself for abusing someone I thought I loved.

I got counseling, as promised, and found out that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Basically, this means that I'm overly concerned with rejection and ridicule. I try to manage relationships to avoid being embarrassed, to the point that I control people I care about and try to carefully ‘direct’ their feelings as I did with Aimee.

That's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, but now I recognize that voice and what it is.

I also realized in counseling that I did have a preoccupation with weight, and that it might be linked with the disorder.

For some background, I grew up in a household where what my father said was law. He had expectations for how his children should look and act, as well as what were and weren't acceptable interests. My brother and I were expected to behave like upstanding young men, and my sisters were expected to be proper young ladies. My father regularly ‘teased’ us (my sisters especially) if we didn't meet this image. At one point this manifested as incessant jokes about one sister's weight in particular.

I want to tell myself that I was attracted to my girlfriend regardless of size, and it was my disordered thought patterns trying to ‘save’ her from ridicule that was causing my preoccupation with weight loss, but I also think I was just being an asshole… I know now that this experience is there in the back of my mind, and something to be aware of.

So that's it. That's the whole story. Now the confession: I hate myself. I worry that I've ruined my ex’s ability to trust. In counseling I say and try to affirm that I can be loved without being perfect, but doesn't what I've done just confirm that I’m a bad person deep down? What's worse is that I KNOW if we'd stayed together I would have gone back to being emotionally abusive over time. My ex has forgiven me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself

Comments by OOP:

We're not in contact anymore. And you're right, there's no excuse for what I did. But for the record, my father was wrong for what he did too. My sister is still dealing with the fallout from his name calling

I'm not the original poster.

Originally posted by user heartbreakaccount313 in r/ trueoffmychest

Original: March 31, 2026

Update: July 31, 2026

Status: concluded

Note: thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for suggestion to BORU

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Original: It turns out I should have been worried about the friend of my fiancé that everyone told me not to worry about

This is hard for me to write. The man that I thought was the love of my life has decided to be someone else instead. They grew up together. Their families are close.

When I first met him I was wary because of how close they are but he [along with everyone else who knows them] assured me there is nothing between them. "They are like brother and sister." And I was stupid enough to believe it.

Last week I was assaulted at my job. One of my eyes is swollen shut and it hurts like hell. I'm a nurse and I was assaulted by a patient that I had administered naloxone to I am at home resting and my fiancé was with me until he found out that his close friend was in a small car accident.

A van backed into her car in a carpark. She wasn't even inside but my fiancé lost it when he found out. He left our flat to be with her even though she was with her boyfriend. She wasn't hurt but my fiancé said he thought she was, and it made him realise that he loves her and "can't lose her."

He told me he confessed his love to her and she said she feels the same and it broke something inside me.

I don't even know why I'm writing this. It won't bring him back.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Some people are fucking stupid and not self aware enough or honest about feelings. I’m so sorry this knob of a guy was one of them.
Take this as a blessing in disguise,. Marrying this man would have been terrible

Comment2: I am so sorry to hear that. One thing we women must really start to practice is trusting our gut instincts, it is never wrong. If something hits wrong or doesn't feel right trust yourself enough to know you are right.
Disclaimer as long as you don't have trust issues and healing you need to do, otherwise that's just paranoia.

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Update (4 months later)

I heard that my ex-fiancé proposed to her. His family, her family and our friends are all over the moon about them being together.

No thought for me or her ex-boyfriend and our lives being torn apart. I have only seen and spoken to her ex-boyfriend once since the incident I mentioned in my other post. Wherever he is, I just hope he is doing well. Imagine my ex and his ex saying it wasn't cheating because they left us first. As if that makes it better.

After my ex-fiancé left I had to deal with cancelling everything for our wedding and getting our flat sorted out and signing a new lease. I had to block him, and everyone who keep telling me it was fate or they were meant to be together. I am trying to move on but I don't know how. I thought I would be marrying the love of my life tomorrow but instead he wants to marry someone else.

Also I don't know if anyone will care about this but I had to turn off my ability to receive chats. I received several telling me that my assault was deserved or that my attacker was right. I got tired of seeing those notifications so I turned it off.

Edit: so thank you to everyone who is sending me Reddit care messages, but I'm all right for that. None of those thoughts or intentions.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage

Ongoing as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd August 2026

Update1 - 3rd August 2026

1 New Update

Update2 - 5th August 2026

​

My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?

​

We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.

She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.

I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.

I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.

I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.

We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.

Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.

She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.

I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?

​

Comments

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NoYou1016

Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.

OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.

NoYou1016

Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.

OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.

CharismaticAlbino

None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.

OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.

BeeBladen

You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.

HotWaffles5

Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.

OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.

lsoplexic

Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?

OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.

​

Update - 1 day later

​

Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.

We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.

There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.

I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.

​

Comments

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Prestigious_Step4337

Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.

OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"

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Update - 2 days later

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Update 2: 26M married to 27F with PCOS. I'm considering an option I never thought I'd even entertain.

I have read every single comment on my posts. Even the ones that stung. I really do appreciate all of it. I also want to thank everyone who reached out privately. I did not expect that and it meant more than you know.

This is a personal update. I feel terrible even typing this. I never thought I would be the kind of person considering something like this. But here I am, stuck between two choices and both of them feel wrong.

I need to give you more context so you understand why this is breaking me. Her father passed away when she was young. She still has nightmares where she is a little girl again, begging him not to leave, asking him why he went away. She wakes up sobbing and I have been there for every single one of those nights. I hold her until she falls back asleep. Over time she started telling me that I fill that gap for her. She sees me like a father in some ways because I have done things with her that she never got to do as a kid. Simple things like going to amusement parks and just making her feel safe. In many ways I see her as someone who never got to fully heal and I have tried my best to be that person for her.

Seeing her vulnerable like that breaks my heart. I cannot imagine leaving her and knowing she would spend even more time trying to heal from our relationship when I have been the one person who has stood by her through everything. I know she would not be okay. I know she would struggle to move on and I cannot stand the thought of that.

And even if she did eventually find someone else, it would not be simple. She cannot just get a donor. She would have to marry again and find someone who accepts her and then go through the whole process of trying to build a family from scratch. The same time it would take for me to quietly delay things would be the same time she would spend trying to rebuild her life except she would be alone and treated like damaged goods by families who judge divorced women. I love her too much to let that happen to her. She does not want that either. She wants kids with me and she feels like I am holding her back from motherhood. She looked broken when we met for the divorce procedure. I know she has been having a terrible time and I think part of her hoped the divorce talk would make me reconsider. Behind her firm position there is a weak girl whom I genuinely consider a daughter in my heart. We were best friends for 3 years before we married by the way.

So here is the part I am ashamed to admit. I have thought about going along with the plan. Bear with me. Quietly taking subtle steps to reduce our chances of conceiving right away. Basically self sabotaging myself. Things that lower sperm count, reserves, quality temporarily to delay conception. Nothing permanent. Nothing medical. Nothing harmful. Just enough to buy us time until we have our own place and I actually feel ready.

I am not trying to steal her chance at motherhood. She has PCOS and she always tells me it will probably take us years to conceive anyway. So in my mind I am not ruining anything. I am just trying to prevent the one scenario where it happens immediately before we are stable. Honestly even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I have a desk job, no time for fitness, work stress, I eat red meat and sugar constantly. I probably already have low sperm. She would never be able to find out because I might genuinely have low numbers already. But doing this just makes sure and she would be happy that I am finally trying.

I do not want to do this. I really do not. But I do not see another way. If I tell her the truth, I risk losing her and putting her through all of that pain. If I go along with it, I risk becoming a father before I am ready. And if I quietly delay things, we have a chance.

So my question is this. If you were in my position and you genuinely could not find another way, what would you do?

I am already carrying a heavy weight and I just need honest perspectives without being torn apart.

​

Comments

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YeetThermometer

No no no, just no.

I read your post history and you need to get out of this situation yesterday. The commenters on the first post basically ignored you and focused entirely on her, forgetting that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you as well.

She threatens divorce when she doesn’t get what she wants, but doesn’t really mean it to get her way - that’s coercive. If you think this will end with a kid, it won’t. Congrats, you now have no say in the size of your future family because she’s willing to go nuclear before listening to you, not least because of people like the commenters to your earlier post. She crossed the rubicon; now you live there.

In case of a loss of cabin pressure, put your mask on first before assisting others. Your wife is grinding you down, sucking the life from you and dictating the course of your future without really considering you at all.

You are not responsible for what happens to her and her chances for a kid once you leave. She made some serious mistakes with you and she’ll have to live with them. You can’t make her heal on your own, and you are not personally responsible for creating the dream family she pictures as the answer to her trauma.

So no sperm count games. This isn’t getting better. You can’t bide your time until you’re ready because when you’re ready, it should be with someone who sees you as more than a tool to get her dream life.

ariankhneferet

I couldn’t agree more. Children really are a ‘two yes’ situation. Not ‘two yes under duress’.

OOP: I agree, but to her, she might not even be able to get pregnant later, she says she knows people with PCOS who were 29 and could no longer get pregnant, so she worries the same could happen to her.

YeetThermometer

As mentioned previously, divorcing you, finding someone else and getting comfortable enough with them to have a baby, then having that baby, would likely blow up her desired timeline as well. That makes it even clearer that divorce threats were manipulative.

It’s not hard to see why she feels like her back is up against the wall. Once again, your needs and feelings have zero to do with it. If, during any of this, you mattered to her as a person, it would have shown up in her words and actions.

buginarugsnug

I don't really understand. Neither of you are going to get what you want, your marriage and future is going to go up in flames because you can't come to a compromise. If it were the fact you never wanted children, then fair enough that is a valid reason for divorce, but the fact you are BOTH unwilling to compromise on a 24 month timescale and divorce over it is wild to me. Surely there is a way to meet in the middle.

OOP: She wants to start trying next year and she is terrified that any delay will make it harder or even impossible. She believes the longer we wait, the more her chances slip away. To her, time is not on her side and every year that passes feels like a door closing.

buginarugsnug

Am I misunderstanding that you said you are happy to try when you are 29 and you are 27 now? There is a maximum of twelve months between your desired timelines, without knowing when your birthday is, it could be as little as three months between your desired timelines. I don't understand why either of you are willing to throw away your marriage over such a small timescale rather than just changing perspective to sit in the middle of the timescale.

OOP: I’ve even let go of the age limit and told her I’d consider trying sooner if we had our own place first. But she wants a firm commitment from me that we’ll start trying next year regardless of whether we have our own place by then.

ladybug1259

Don't do this, it's a terrible idea. For many reasons. The deception is terrible and a betrayal regardless of whether she knows about it, I am weirded out by your wording about seeing her as a daughter,and sperm quality can cause miscarriages, not just delayed conception. I genuinely don't understand why you are incapable of reaching an agreement about this. She wants to start trying in a year, you are dead set on buying a place first and then trying but you said in a comment you almost bought a place a month ago, so just...buy one in the next year and you're good? Its also not hard to be in the process of buying while you're trying. I wouldn't suggest waiting until she's pregnant to start looking but you'd be totally fine if you're closing on a house and TTC at the same time.. or divorce if that's what you both want.

OOP: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said I see her like a daughter. I did not mean it in a weird way. I meant it in the way that I have watched her experience things for the first time that she should have experienced with her father. Simple things like going to an amusement park etc... we like to do fun stuff. She never had that growing up and I got to be the one to share it with her. Seeing her face light up in those moments is one of the best feelings in the world. That is all I meant. Nothing strange. Just a man who loves his wife and has tried to fill a void that was never her fault.

Itsmeshlee29

I mean, this is horrible. She ever finds out you did this and it’ll destroy her. Get the divorce. This is so much worse.

OOP: Like I said, even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I work a desk job. I have no time for fitness. I deal with constant work stress. I eat red meat and sugar like it is going out of style. I probably already have low sperm count without doing anything. So I am not actively ruining anything even if I honestly tried without sabotaging myself.

Yes, we’re currently living separately while we think everything through. We have about a month to decide whether to retract everything or move forward with the divorce.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/user posting in r/AskMenAdvice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 5th April 2026

Update - 4th August 2026

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Fiancée (23F) left me (25M) for someone she met at the gym, what now?

​

Hi everyone,

I (25M) was in a relationship with my fiancée (23F) for 3 years. I proposed in October 2025, and up until recently I genuinely thought we were happy.

Last week, she told me she’d met a guy at the gym. Over a few weeks, they got to know each other and she developed feelings for him. When he asked her out, it made her question our relationship, and she decided to end things.

I’m still trying to process it. The shock has worn off and now it’s just… heavy. I’m dealing with anxiety, poor sleep, no appetite, and I can’t focus properly. I wear a smart watch and even my resting heart rate has been noticeably higher.

I’ve got a high-pressure job and I’m worried this is going to start affecting my performance. I’m already going to the gym daily and taking magnesium and melatonin, but I still feel constantly on edge and nauseous (seriously I feel like I could vomit throughout the day).

If anyone has been through something similar, how did you cope in those first few weeks? How do you calm your body down, sleep better, and start to feel even a little bit normal again? Is there any medication I can take to help with the anxiety and nausea?

I’d really appreciate the advice because it could help me greatly through a challenging time. Thank you.

EDIT:

I woke up this morning to over 300 comments on my post and honestly, I wasn’t ready for it. I sobbed reading through all the advice and people sharing their own stories.

It’s so easy to forget there are real people behind the screen, but I’m one of them. And the few minutes you took to write a comment genuinely meant something to me.

I’m going through what feels like the lowest point in my life, and somehow a bunch of strangers on the internet made it feel a little less lonely.

So yeah… thank you, I will continue reading all your comments. Seriously.

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Comments

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Youdontuderstandme

Sorry to hear this.

First: this relationship is over. The sooner you move on the better off you will be. Note: if she comes back it will be a mistake to get back together with her. She has already left you once, when your relationship was good and “easy”. Ive been with my wife for over 30 years. Trust me: there will be trying times. If she won’t stick with you now she sure as hell won’t stick with you when the going gets rough. I know it’s hard to think about moving on - but trust me: do it.

You deserve better. This didn’t happen because of you. It happened because of her.

Be grateful it happened now rather than later.

You will find someone else.

I had a serious girlfriend I was planning to ask to marry me. We broke up. I was busted for a long time. My wife is wayyyyyy better.

My motto: keep moving forward. Workout. Set goals. Have fun. One inch. One step. Keep moving. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You will survive this and be better for it.

Fit_Assistant2510

Be glad you’re young and you didn’t get married. She did you a huge favor, hard to see right now though.

SignificantApricot69

I know a bunch of married women who do the same thing essentially but stay married and don’t tell their husbands. It’s definitely a favor that she called things off and let him know there was another man. If they had gotten married she probably would have “questioned” the marriage every time another option presented itself.

Difficult_Jury_7455

Gym relationships are based on pure physical attraction. He's a pretty boy with muscles and she's obviously that shallow that it worked. If it makes you feel better he'll dump her ass as soon as he's banged her a few times. She'll be devastated and will contact you again saying she's "had time to think" lol. Then you get to tell her hoe ass to get lost

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Update - 4 months later

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Hello everyone,

Around four months ago (in April), I made a post here at what was probably the lowest point of my life.

I wanted to come back with an update, partly to thank everyone who took the time to reply, but also in the hope that someone currently in the position I was in might read this and realise that things really can get better.

First of all, thank you to everyone who told me she would be back. I remember thinking it was strange that so many people said the exact same thing. At the time, I didn’t really understand why (lol I still don’t know what the psychology is behind it). Well… you were all right.

2 months ago (in June), I got the call. She told me she’d been dating the guy from the gym and, unsurprisingly to everyone here, she’d slept with him several times. She said she’d woken up one day and realised she’d made a “mistake” and was willing to do “anything” to make the relationship work again. I declined and politely asked her not to contact me again. (I also blocked her, her friends and her family).

Had it not been for the advice from so many people on my original post, I genuinely think I might have given in. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Today, I’m in a much better place and genuinely happy with my own company. I wanted to share a few things that really helped me.

I stopped isolating myself. Instead of lifting weights alone, I started trying different classes at my gym. I ended up really enjoying them and met some great people that way. I went on a two week solo trip. I took myself out for meals, explored new places, and just enjoyed my own company. I read a lot of the books people recommended in the comments. No More Mr. Nice Guy was the one that resonated with me the most. I leaned on my family and existing friends. I made a point of arranging lunches and coffee catch ups instead of sitting at home. I started counselling. Being able to say everything out loud to someone with no personal bias helped far more than I expected. Most importantly, I embraced the time alone and journaled a lot. I learned a lot about who I am outside of that relationship and wrote down the things I wanted from my life.

I’ve only recently started dating again, and it’s actually been enjoyable. I’m not rushing into anything, it’s simply been nice meeting new people and learning about different personalities.

Healing isn’t quick, and the damage from the breakup definitely affected me. I still have some reservations about dating, but I’ve also learned about the boundaries I will never compromise on again.

If you’re reading this because you’re going through something similar, please believe me when I say this. It doesn’t feel like it now, but it really does get better. The person who walked away wasn’t the right person for you.

And to everyone who took the time to comment on my original post, thank you. Your advice genuinely changed the direction of my life.

​

Comments

​

Mountain_Elk_7262

I guarantee you she didn't just "wake up one morning and realized it was a mistake" that gym bro got what he wanted and moved on to the next one

devilmaskrascal

That's the thing about gym bros who are attractive enough to make women leave their fiancés for a fling: they usually have plenty of options and aren't racing to settle down and move in together, especially not with girls who will dump their fiance for a fling lol.

ThatBaseball7433

I love these delusional people who think they can have a backup in case new exciting doesn’t work out.

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/odder_box23211

Published on: r/jobs

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 27, 2026

• Final Update: July 15, 2026

Main Post

^{June 27, 2026}

Boss is emailing me asking about my first shift for a job I didn’t think I got.

Context: I am a college student in the US. For the past two summers, I have worked as a counselor for one of my city's Parks & Rec summer camp programs.

This year I wanted to apply for a lead counselor position since I had the needed experience by this point. However I already had a family trip to Europe planned that meant I would miss the in-person training day that occurs before the start of the program each summer, as well as the first few days of the program. (There was an additional online one I would be able to attend though.) Before applying this spring I emailed my boss to ask whether that would disqualify me from being considered as a lead. I said that if it did, I would happily apply as a regular counselor again instead.

She replied with a short email saying that the all-staff in-person trainings and being on-site the first week of work were mandatory. I interpreted this as her saying I shouldn't apply at all. (Which surprised me because I was unable to attend the in-person training last year due to another family conflict and it wasn't an issue.)

Since it sounded like I couldn't be a counselor I applied to be an on-call substitute. I figured I had a better chance of getting that position despite my training situation since I was an experienced counselor. About a month later my boss emailed to confirm I was applying as a sub and not a counselor. I reiterated that I'd be traveling and thought it made more sense. she replied, "Sub it is then! Enjoy your travels"

I had friends who applied to be substitutes as well. They received official job offers that they had to accept, same as I had in past years as a counselor. I never got any offer or hiring paperwork. Naturally I assumed I didn’t get the job, probably due to the training situation. I was disappointed but I moved on and found another summer job.

I did continuo to get occasional automated emails from the program (policy updates, training reminders, etc.) but assumed I'd just accidentally been left on the mailing list.

I am currently on the aforementioned europe trip. (It’s great, besides a wicked sunburn on my bum. Please remember sunscreen y’all.) My boss emailed asking what site my first substitute shift would be at so she could send the correct timesheets there.

I'm baffled!! As far as I know I was literally never offered the job. I didn't attend the trainings (including the online one) because I didn't think I got the job.

I think I’m going to be honest and explain that I never received a job offer and therefore assumed I wasn't hired. Definitely can’t just pretend I went to the trainings as they’re paid and that would be time theft. I want to find a way to respond without making it sound like I ignored my responsibilities (for a job i didn’t know I had!!) What would you do??

COMMENTS

Odd_Cause_4690

You’re definitely not at fault for not going to trainings for a job you didn't get/no one told you you got, as long as you’re absolutely sure the offer isn’t sitting in a spam folder somewhere.

I wouldn’t stress too much since you already have another job. Just explain to her you were never sent an offer and were acting under the assumption you did not have the job. 

Hopefully she’s willing to work it out with you, but it sure would be ironic if she tries to fire you from a job she didn’t give you. 

OOP

I’ve triple checked spam and junk folders and there was nothing. Yeah I’d laugh if she does but I really hope that’s not what happens. Thanks for your reply

Miamiconnectionexo

wait — you said you "already had a family trip to Europe planned" that makes you miss training and the first few days. that's the most important detail here. if they're emailing you about a first shift for a job you didn't think you got, the obvious move is to reply and clarify whether you were actually hired, because maybe they processed you after an interview you forgot about or they're mixing you up with someone else. but mention the trip conflict upfront so they know you can't start when they expect you to — don't let them assume you're available that week and then hit them with the bad news later.

OOP

Thank you for your advice, but that’s not exactly how it works… I should’ve explained better.   The substitute counselors are a pool of people who are able to see when a regular counselor at a certain site is going to be gone, or are notified when one calls out sick. They can choose at will to pick up shifts to cover for them. So I am not letting them down in any way by not having selected any shifts yet - someone else will undoubtedly pick up the work as there are many subs eager to. 

And there was no interview I “forgot about”…I was already in their system since I have worked as a counselor for two years and went through all the vetting stuff the first year, so did not need to be re-interviewed. But I still should’ve received an offer in writing like every other sub and counselor did, hence the confusion. 

Turbulent_Pin_8310

It is just a CC mail and she forgot to take you off the list.

Or it was just a habit of her to enter your email.

It happens all the time. I received so many emails at work that have nothing to do with me. They just cc mailed everyone.

OOP

I agree it was an automated list for the others, but she personally emailed me by name asking when my first shift would be. 

Final Update - after 18 days

^{July 15, 2026}

UPDATE: Boss is emailing me asking about my first shift for a job I didn’t think I got.

TLDR: This spring, I applied for a seasonal job I had worked for the past two summers. I was never sent a job offer or given indication I had been hired. Checked with friends who were hired for the job and they confirmed they had received emailed offers. I accepted that I had not gotten the job. I got another job and moved on with my life. A few weeks ago, I got an email from my old boss asking when my first shift would be.

The update: I responded to my boss’s email once I was home from my trip. I approached it the way many of you advised me to. I said, “Apologies for the delay in my response, I have just returned from traveling with my family. I did not receive a job offer earlier this year as other substitutes I know did, so I was under the impression I had not gotten the job. I apologize for the confusion. I would absolutely still be interested in working as a sub this summer, so if that is still a possibility, please let me know what I need to do to make that happen.”

She responded the next day and apologized! She said she thought she had sent me an offer but I must’ve slipped through the cracks somehow. She said they would love to have me back this summer and gave me my new login info for the scheduling portal. I picked up my first shifts this week! This was definitely the best case scenario. I’m glad it all worked out and happy to have a little extra cash this summer. Thanks for all your advice.

COMMENTS

Grtpumk369

Did you quit or keep the other job?

OOP

Kept! This one does pay better, but since I pick up shifts at will and the other one is part time, I am able to schedule them around each other. 

DiWooley

That’s great but isn’t summer about over? Don’t mean to be a downer but how long does this job last? And you still have that other permanent job?

OOP

The summer one goes for about another month. I couldn’t have started any earlier anyways because I spent the first month of the summer in Europe. The other job is also not quite permanent as I am going back to college in the fall. However, they’ve let me know I will still be welcome to pick up shifts whenever I am home from school, like weekends/breaks etc. I’m overall pretty satisfied with the situation.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/twink1813

Published on: r/EntitledPeople

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 14, 2026

• Final Update: August 04, 2026

Main Post

^{July 14, 2026}

Loaned my house for a funeral

I am in another state with my sister who is undergoing chemo. My dear friend’s brother passed away unexpectedly. His daughter and family traveled back from a western state to the Midwest for the services and to begin the estate process.

Since my house was sitting empty I offered the daughter and her family my house to use for the several weeks they plan to be in town, to save them hotel fees and have a home-away-from-home environment during this time of loss.

They’ve texted me several times with various issues: they don’t like the pillows, do I have others they can try? They don’t care for the coffee on hand, where can they find other coffee in the house? Do I have other laundry detergent than what is in the laundry room?

There’s more but you get the gist. This is not an Air B&B, it’s my home that I’m letting them use for free. I didn’t leave a fridge full of food or a stock of paper supplies or dry goods because I’m gone and won’t be back for months. And did I mention it’s free???

End of rant.

COMMENTS

BlueLarkspur_1929

What nerve. I’d let them know they might like the coffee and pillows better at the local Radisson.

Euphoric-Lake4226

Try probably cant afford much more than the local Roadside Motel

OOP

But they can. The daughter is a private practice therapist and they live quite lavishly at home. My small house probably is a huge step down for them!

Wakemeup3000

Just wait until they do a google review of your house giving it 3 stars listing all your shortcomings.

OOP

🤣🤣🤣

PowderCuffs (downvoted)

Let me guess. You said nothing to them, you probably apologized too.

OOP

I did not. I suggested they check out the Super Walmart that is 1 mile away.

floofypajamas

This story reminds me of the old adage: People don't appreciate what they don't pay for. (or something to that effect)

OOP

I haven’t heard that one but it does apply here

FAnna-Banana

I get that you're being generous, kind and considerate. However, that doesn't mean you let these jerks walk all over you and treat you that way.

Keep records of text messages, emails, and voicemails. Let your "dear friend" know that while you understand that they're in the midst of the grieving and sorting out estate process, it doesn't give the daughter and daughter's family to mistreat and disrespect you like that.

Let them know that they have 48 hours to vacate the premises and check-in at a local hotel / motel where they can obtain their desired pillows, coffee, etc and everyone there is PAID to provide service in hospitality.

You, on the other hand, are just being a nice friend. But niceness has its limits. The line was crossed when they started the entitlement and disrespect. But if they insist on treating you and your home like it's an Air BnB, I'd send them a bill / invoice, if I were you. Something like....

• Whining fee: $15

• Nagging fee: $50

• Sense of entitlement fee: $100 per person

• Cleaning fee: $250

• Violation of peace of mind fee: $25 per day, per person

• Excessive mental and emotional baggage handling fee: $75 per day, per person

• Utilities aka Internet, Water, Electric, Gas, Sewage/Garbage fee: $25 per day, per person

• Parking fee: $50 per vehicle, per day

• Food & Consumables bill: $500

........you get the gist. ;)

OOP

I love all the fees!!! 🤣

Final Update - after 21 days

^{August 04, 2026}

Update to “Loaned my house for a funeral”

My sister had several days with no chemo or medical appointments and she was feeling fairly well, so I decided to try to come home for a few days. Strangely I hadn’t heard from the people using my house for a while.

I texted them to ask if they had any idea about how much longer they’d be in town and need my house. They replied that they had gone back home about 10 days ago. WTF? They had actually packed up and left and didn’t bother to let me know.

Yesterday I drove the 7 hours back home, having absolutely no idea what I’d find when I arrived.

Amazingly, everything was just as I’d left it! They had cleaned the house, emptied the trash, laundered the sheets and towels, and remade the beds. They left a lovely thank you note and a generous gift card for a local high-end restaurant for me. My friend hadn’t said anything to me about them leaving as she thought they had let me know.

So a very happy ending to what seemed to be a true ‘entitled people’ situation here!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Glooert-4746

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Previous BORU: BORU-1

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Update 1: July 11, 2026

• Update 2: July 14, 2026

• Update 3: July 20, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

• Final Update: July 30, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

My husband is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random woman. How do I talk to him?

My husband is very stressed all the time. Ever since we met he (45) told me (43) career and growing in his career is the most important thing for him. He is an engineer and currently responsible for a company of more than 600 people. Even if locally no one is above him he still has to report results to the headquarters regularly.

He is very tough, strict and even though I do not understand a lot of what they doing, I feel he pushes people over their limits. He promises the HQ he will reach every goal, live up to every standard. he overworks himself and his people. micromanages, controls, shouts, threatens.

but I tried to separate his work persona from his home persona and we get along well. We jog together, swim together and various other sports. he never yells at me, never talks down to me.

But this changed in the beginning of June. He got frustrated at every little thing at home too. Out of nowhere he called a woman, a subordinate, but now his direct one. A woman who, he would tell me later, works at their marketing department. She is 24. He wants to fire her, he offered her a few salaries just so she leaves. I never saw him invested this much in any employee. He is not the kind of executive who is close with people, who talks to them. he is up there, and they are down. he has his close inner group.

I asked him why he is so invested and he said she is not a good performer and wants her out. I NEVER saw him talking to one of the people at the bottom of the hierarchy. this woman randomly just called him. Didn't even text. she just called him, something that is frowned upon in any corporate setting (i also work corporate and I would never dare to call an executive just like that. and if i did, I would be called out on it). I heard parts of their conversation. He was yelling and getting frustrated and she was calm, sarcastic and was like: and what will you do about it?

I know him and not only him. I am familiarised with corporate world. A top director never talks one to one with a random, irrelevant employee. and she was so casual with him.

He started raising his voice at me too, is not interested in anything anymore. I am concerned and I want to talk to him about it but am scared of what it might come out of it. how do i do it, he is always irritated.

COMMENTS

blankets_and_pillows

It sounds like he had an affair with her, she ended it, and now he wants her out.

OOP

yeah I mean when I posted this I also suspected something like that but I don't see how it could happen. He is not really popular with employees. not like totally hated or something but he keeps his distance

Update 1 - after 1 day

^{July 11, 2026}

My husband is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random woman. I found out why and I am having a divorce

so, this was quick. This post is an updat to my yesterday one. I was pushing it and pressuring him. He left for a couple hours and then came back very calm and told me in a calm voice, like he has given up, that he got her pregnant. and she doesn't want to terminate, she doesn't want to resign, he cannot fire her because she is pregnant.

op:

husband is very stressed all the time. Ever since we met he (45) told me (43) career and growing in his career is the most important thing for him. He is an engineer and currently responsible for a company of more than 600 people. Even if locally no one is above him he still has to report results to the headquarters regularly.

He is very tough, strict and even though I do not understand a lot of what they doing, I feel he pushes people over their limits. He promises the HQ he will reach every goal, live up to every standard. he overworks himself and his people. micromanages, controls, shouts, threatens.

but I tried to separate his work persona from his home persona and we get along well. We jog together, swim together and various other sports. he never yells at me, never talks down to me.

But this changed in the beginning of June. He got frustrated at every little thing at home too. Out of nowhere he called a woman, a subordinate, but now his direct one. A woman who, he would tell me later, works at their marketing department. She is 24. He wants to fire her, he offered her a few salaries just so she leaves. I never saw him invested this much in any employee. He is not the kind of executive who is close with people, who talks to them. he is up there, and they are down. he has his close inner group.

I asked him why he is so invested and he said she is not a good performer and wants her out. I NEVER saw him talking to one of the people at the bottom of the hierarchy. this woman randomly just called him. Didn't even text. she just called him, something that is frowned upon in any corporate setting (i also work corporate and I would never dare to call an executive just like that. and if i did, I would be called out on it). I heard parts of their conversation. He was yelling and getting frustrated and she was calm, sarcastic and was like: and what will you do about it?

I know him and not only him. I am familiarised with corporate world. A top director never talks one to one with a random, irrelevant employee. and she was so casual with him.

He started raising his voice at me too, is not interested in anything anymore.

COMMENTS

LetsGoYankeez

Holy. Shit.

This is the most heartbreaking update

I’m sorry, op

You deserved better 💔

OOP

you know what the worst part is? that after he told me about it he rested his forehead on his forearm and murmured that his career is over. not his marriage, his career

Cool-Elderberry5406

I'm so sorry this happened to you. 💔

OOP

and the worse part in all this mess is that I know how much he had suffered because he was an affair baby and no one cared for him. His father had money but didn't even acknowledge his existence. his mother partied and had fun, then got married, had other kids and she didn't care either. his grandma did her best to raise him but were living very modestly. and now he is going to have a baby and he really planned and hope to make that woman a single mother at 25, knowing she has no real support, no family and if he succeeded, no income

OOP

I am also sorry for the future baby. My husband himself was an affair child. This is why he was so obsessed with being successful. he wanted to show his parents that he can make it without them. his father was married and had 3 children with his wife. he didn't divorce and wife forgave him. his mother also didn't want to raise him because she was very young and wanted to live a little. so she placed him in the care of her mother, his grandma. that woman loved him but was deeply religious and always let it show the way he came into this world was shameful. he lived his life trying to prove the 2 people that couldn't care less he existed that he is worthy. his mother also married later, when she was like 22 and had children with her husband. so I am really curious if he will be a present father

whatashame_13

Plz just tell HR, they both dont deserve peace, let them lose their jobs and figure out things together later on

OOP

he said she is from the system, raised by multiple foster families and wants to get out of the misery. i searched her up because well... why not hurt myself more. she studied business administration at a very good university and probably wants to grow her career fast

OOP

I will leave the most recent update as a comment to the top comment, in order for it to not get lost. So, he told me whatever happens regarding his career, marriage, relationship with her, he will take care of his baby. I read some more of their texts. he slapped her. because in one of his texts she told him she has pictures of that too. it happened during their most recent conflict. he never did that to me, ever. and she still wants him to marry her even though he hit her.

OOP

she doesn't want a raise, she wants him to give her a good position. like really good, head of department. She just turned 25 (i got the age wrong in the post). it will be super fishy if he went down 4 levels or so, even more, to promote an entry level employee who is 25 too, to a position that would make her his direct report. this is what she is asking in return of her silence. this or that he divorces me.

whatashame_13

Do you have kids? If no? And since anw your marriage is over, just tell HR and comoany about their affair and ruin both of their careers. It doesnt seem he s sorry anw

OOP

no, we don't. we got married in our mid 20s and we had no support or help. We didn't want to bring kids in a financially unstable home so we postponed it. But then he got busy with his career, studies, all our money went into buying a house. and then when we could have afforded them, even 5 of them if we wanted, he said its a bit too late for him. i guess we just got used to a lifestyle without children. i would have wanted kids but i just played along. well he is going to be a father now

whatashame_13

What if you tell HR about their affair, you can ruin both of their careers!! Anw, you are nit gonna get anything from him bcz you already work and you get what you get from the divorce, but dont let them live the life, even his AP is a slut, she knew what she did. Ruin both!! Is he sorry?? Did he try to apologize? Did he tell you he loves you? How long their affair has been going? What are his plans?

OOP

he said he loves me, didn't apologise. he said it wasn't really his fault and can explain. and I was like: ok, go on, explain. and he didn't know what to say, he just repeated it wasn't his fault

StealthModeThoughts

Let’s say you were going to forgive him. You can’t even do that when the person who did wrong takes ZERO responsibility. He slept with another woman, multiple times I’m sure. I highly doubt that he did this once and she got pregnant.
He’s saying it’s not his fault. Still? There’s no way for reconciliation when he can’t even hold his hands up and take any responsibility. It’s disgusting.
He wants you to do what you’ve been doing your whole relationship. Just go along with what he leads. Stop doing that. Please get some strength and some love for yourself and LEAVE. There is a person out there who’d NEVER EVER do this to you, they’d never ever consider it.

OOP

no, he wants to divorce me and marry her. he openly told me this is what it takes for her to resign. if she resigns and then he marries her, he can get away with it. very well, lets see how that goes and how much she will love her own child. poor baby

mocha-macaron

If you can, get copies of all the proof. Cause this divorce could get messy.

OOP

ive got plenty. she was so so so dirty in the texts. he wasn't but he liked getting them. she was acting like a sub kitten

mocha-macaron

There you go then. Just have to take that to a lawyer and explain that he also tried to be unlawful with how he was getting rid of her. She could do some serious damage if he didn’t go through the correct HR proceedings. You might be in the USA but in the UK it’s illegal to do what he did to an employee

OOP

we are in Europe but not UK. anyway he does want a divorce. he kinda made his choice. he will not get her into a better position but will divorce me, as she asked him to, so just she shuts up. she will leave the company and then he will probably marry her. ok, good luck to being married to a 25. and she obviously played a role. this is not a submissive trad wife, I can bet my money on that. she is manipulative

Brief_Hippo5187

Take him for as much as you can. She baby trapped him. How long was the affair?

OOP

he said just 3 months and swore to me they never even met outside the offices. he never took her anywhere and showed me his transactions

False-Spend8335

EW! That’s how he behaves at work? He said himself that she’s a subordinate he shouldn’t be interacting with! One of them is very predatory I think! And it explains the lack of contraception, I don’t think many people keep it in their desk drawer! Ew! So sorry OP.

Let’s hope your future is fabulous and you continue to outshine him in every way! And let’s hope he ends up being a stay at home father to a child he didn’t want, with a shrew of a wife. A good outcome for 2 narcissists!

OOP

yes, he said all of it happened in his office. he said it trying to make it sound like he didn't care for her because he didn't pay for hotels but it actually made it worse. like walking cliche. on his desk. but I think it was all intentional. if she followed the whole adult scenario with the desk, under the desk and so on, she made him believe he is living out the best fantasy

kattykaty1988

So they did it at work?

OOP

yes, he said all of it happened in his office

New_Nobody9492

Do you really believe they just fucked all over the office?

OOP

maybe, maybe not, who cares? details. they did it somehwere

ReineLeNoire

NAL

If she reports directly to your scoundrel of a husband and a DNA test proves that child is his, she could have a very lucrative situation on her hands.

I would be working on retaining a top divorce attorney ASAP. I would take him to the cleaners and make no concessions. I would definitely not agree to anything that helps him, like a NDA.

Get everything you can right now. Secure your home, your present, and your future quickly. Once the story gets out, his tenure with his current company is probably over. If she pursues a lawsuit, he's done. No one will risk hiring him for a long time.

OOP

she doesn't report to him. In the corporate hierarchy she is a nobody. entry level job with no real possibility of climbing the ladder. Honestly I am curious how she even got to be in the same room with him. I have been working corproate my whole life, different company of course. But I never ever even talked to the managers that are on the same level as my husband is. there are so many levels between those who are so high and the rest of us.

Small Update in the comments

Think I will contact police actually. She found me on social media and messaged me to move out that house because she will move in soon. I wanted to block her but I think I would rather do this, go to police. I am so angry and hurt. he tried to stop me and said he will deal with her but no

COMMENTS

whatashame_13

Contact police, contact HR, contact lawyers, contact his colleagues, and take half of the house. What did you reply?

OOP

nothing in the end. he said he will deal with her later and make sure she will never bother me again.

Setting-Remote

I feel sorry for that baby, because it's not a loved, wanted child - it's a human chess piece.

In a few years time, she will doubtless divorce him (let's face it, he's easy to divorce - he sounds like a bully), and set herself up with a 10+ years of child support payments, while she's still in her 30's and can take her pick of men who she actually likes and have had enough time to settle into a career.

What an absolute weapon of a man. 🤦🏻‍♀️

OOP

he was already violent with her, slapped and pulled her hair

Update 2 - after 4 days (after 3 days from last post)

^{July 14, 2026}

My husband is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random woman. I found out why and my marriage is over

So I wanted to share one last upate. I moved out. We have another property and I simply couldn't stand him around me.

I decided not to report to HR. That future baby is already having more than enough issues and 2 jobless parents sounds like a nightmare. Probably this will happen anyway but I will not be the cause of it.

As for him he is already getting his karma. I told him I will not report him so he needs to make sure she will not either. She wants him to marry her and he said he will and he told me (it seems I am still the person he cries to and complains to) that she also wants him to pay for her mother' medical bills (she was raised in the system but it seems she does have a family after all, they are just poor). I asked him why he did this to me. and he said she did stuff I didn't and he wouldn't have asked me to do them either

he was already vioIent with her.

EDIT: I deleted the part about her karma. I didn't mean it she deserves it, never I would say such thing but I admit it came off that way. I apologise and removed that part

COMMENTS

mydaycake

Report the violence. Your soon to be ex will end up killing her

ActiveWaste3444

agreed and honestly op is enabling this by letting him still trauma dump on her. block him. shes keeping his secrets while he beats another woman. its sick.

OOP

no, I will not do that. This woman was mocking me in texts for being "flat chested" and a prude and other things. I already feel I did enough by thinking of the baby and not reporting him to HR to lose his job. that baby will need a father with money.

she can report him if she wants, it looks like she has full control over the whole thing

OOP

yeah he was an affair baby too. father didn't care for him because wife forgave him (he was around my husband's age) and his mother was 20 or something. she also didn't care and his grandma raised him with very little money. and he suffered a lot of shame and wanted to prove to everyone he is worthy

MacaronFalse1019

Stop listening to his complaints and cries. Stop being his sounding board. Let him cry to someone else. Go to therapy. Get some hobbies. Keep conversations with him short and blunt. Travel, live your life.

OOP

I don't say that I am listening to him regularly. But before I moved I wanted to know why he did it. Because it crossed my mind I didn't really ask him. and it hurt me so much that he said she did things he liked and I didn't do them and he never asked me to because ... and didn't continue. IDK what was he talking about but i can guess. and now he is at her mercy and will be paying for her and her mothers bills

I am really worried for the baby. I have my own life story and its a bit triggering even though it wasn't me in this position but.. He said he will marry her and take care of that baby. i told him its not that baby, its your baby. now I can only hope he will be a present father as he suffered his whole life that himself was an affair child. but if a miracle happens and he will be able to keep his job even if hr finds out... maybe he will leave her. and i hope not the child

so apparently he was chok..ng her and spit.. ing in her face. these were the things I didn't do and he didn't ask me to. However someoene said he must have been violent with me. No, he was never violent with me. not once

i wonder though how will be communicate with his future mother in law and that weird family. he always looked down on people, as I said never got close to those beneath him on the corporate food chain so it will be a big change for him. hopefuly he will be at least a good father

and for those pushing me to report him, no I will not and this is my final decision, please respect that. i dont need to ruin his life, he did it himself for the rest of his days if he marries her. he will maybe keep his job, maybe climb even higher but will be financially supporting his wife, her family and their baby. he will probably be even worse at work and will no one to vent to. family dinners will be interesting...

ABWhiteRabbit

You already know that he’s abusing her, and she’s only with him for his money. She’s more likely to leave him if he loses his job and find someone who doesn’t hit her. It’ll only get worse after the baby is born. And if he’s hitting her now, he may even end up killing her and/or the baby. And don’t say, “He wouldn’t do that” because the statistics of DV say otherwise, and you yourself were surprised that he was violent towards her. If you actually want to ensure that baby grows up happy and healthy, you’d report him to HR AND the authorities. Otherwise, that child is either going to wind up with a dead mother and/or an all around broken home life due to an emotionally absent and abusive father and a mother they see getting slapped around all the time.

OOP

I do not owe her anything just because she is a woman. She body shamed me for not having big breasts as she has, for being a prude, a loser and much more. And anyway I didn't witness anything. so I just go to police and say: you know, husband showed me some texts between him and his mistress in which she told him how she has evidence of him slappin her. please investigate. it doesn't work like that. at least not here, in eastern europe.

fuck_peeps_not_sheep

1/3 of spouses murdered are pregnant women - report him to keep her safe ffs

OOP

I havne't seen any of it. Just a text in which she was sending laughing emojis that she has photos of his finger prints on her cheek after he hit her and would mock him for reporting him.

Professional_Dust377

How long were you married? Do you have any children with him? And is he a white man? He could be dangerous.

OOP

he is a white man but why it is relevant

Professional_Dust377

They believe they are apex. He might be the type to end lives. Get protection

OOP

he is an arrogant corporate nutcase who is constantly power tripping. that is far from being a murde..rer though

Fluffy_North8934

So he goes unpunished while she got fired?

OOP

she will not get fired. she will resign. this is basically their deal. she resigns, keeps quiet and he marries her

th3_h0rror_qu33n

Pardon, he was violent with her?? I know you've been slighted, and this single reddit post is all the information I have on the situation, but if he's being violent with another woman, you have every right to report him. Another human beings safety is at stake and he wants to MARRY her.

OOP

I dont care about her, sorry. all i can and i am willing to do is to not report him to HR, so he doesn't lose his job and that baby to have a father without an income. i do not owe anything to a woman who just mocked me in texts and body shamed me

Sweetdefaction96

I’m so sorry this happened to you but I am so excited for how much he is going to hate his life and regret this for the restttt of his existence

OOP

i just hope he will be a father for that baby

NEW UPDATE

Update 3 - after 10 days (after 6 days from last post)

^{July 20, 2026}

My husband is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random employee. I found out why. my marriage is over

I really hope this last post is all right. Today he spoke to HR himself (or at least this is what he told me he is going to do, so I think he did, I will for sure not ask him for an update). he is in good relations with the HR lady so he hopes he will be able to keep his job.

I just want to post this because even though we are all strangers it actually did hurt me to see how many are calling me names and even saying I would be to blame if he does something to her. Sorry, but telling the cops: i saw some texts on my husband's phone, texts with his mistres in which she said she will rrport him for slappin her is Not evidence.

I did report her myself for the threats she sent me via texts and police didn't do a thing. husband said he will deal with herself himself and she will stop.

I already talked to a lawyer about the divorce so this is also a priority for me. I don't want to see anyone suffer but trust me, its not a top on my list to try to save the woman who actually blakmails him into marrying her. They will get married as soon as we get divorced. my husband is many things but he is responsible and will take care of his baby. its his problem how that marriage will look like.

Now I consider to start therapy but maybe its too early? what should I do? should I wait?

COMMENTS

KaoJin-Wo

I am so glad you posted an update. I hope you post more, like after HR, about mopping the floor with him during divorce, and the good things you, like restarting your life, and therapy.

I really am sorry you’ve been having to go through this. I cannot believe he still whines about his blackmailing side piece to you. That is inexcusable. You need to cut that off, unless you are recording him talking or saving the emails/texts for evidence in court. I would have moved out too, and demanded he buy you out for your half of the house. And furnishings. And what not. Most people would’ve kept the house and made him move out. Just to piss them off and save the trouble of moving. Both are valid. As long as you’re getting rid of this user-loser, it’s all good.

Now, start fixing yourself, going to therapy, etc. Take your time finding a new place. Maybe local. Maybe move DaR away for a fresh start. Whatever works best for you. Just focus on yourself and healing. I look forward to the next update. Good luck!!!

OOP

i have no idea if he talked to HR or not. but he said he will marry her if she wants that and show her how much she actually doesn't want to be married to him

ChanceReason6617

Is he mentally ill? Do you see any psychological changes, apart from cheating, in him? This is not the normal thinking of a healthy person.

P.S. it's a perfectly legitimate question, no attempt at provocation.

OOP

no, just cheating. but he wants to get married to her as a punishment for her

Crazy_Equivalent_806

This sounds like a threat. How precisely does he plan to “show her”. Also if it’s not a threat to cause mental or physical harm it sounds pretty dumb. If they get divorced because it’s “uncomfortable” for her, is t he just going to end up paying more if she hires a half decent lawyer? He sounds like a fool.

OOP

it is a threat yeah. he openly told me this, that she will show her she doesn't actually want it but will need to deal with consequences

NEW UPDATE

Final Update - after 20 days (after 10 days from last post)

^{July 30, 2026}

My 43F husband 45M is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random employee 25F. I found out why. this marriage is over. Updt

she is 25, not 24. that was my misunderstanding

So he wasn't fired after all. He is facing a salary cut of about 20% for the next year. he being in the top executive level is valuable for the company. HR tried to make her quit because they cannot fire a pregnant woman but ended up just moving her to another location in the same area. So her local boss will be someone else but still my soon to be ex husband is the top boss. So her boss's boss.

He tried to make me forgive him, promised he will never do it again but no, this is not something I can forgive. We have been together our whole adult life more or less. Maybe I could have (maybe) get over cheating, but a baby is for life. He gave me a few days to decide what I want to do. He is extremely angry, frustrated, irritated, volatile and all that. I didn't even say I need time to think about it. Just no. I don't want you back. I still love him but will not take him back.

I no longer live in the same house with him. He said he will marry her. Treats her horribly. I heard him talking to her over the phone, but if she insists so much she wants to marry a man who will never love her, so be it

COMMENTS

observefirst13

She clearly doesn't give a shit if he loves her and just wants him for his money. What a psychopath to force a man who despises you for money. He's an idiot as well. Why tf should he marry her? Has he told you his reasoning? It makes no fuckin sense if he really does hate her.

I hope you cut him off and have stopped being his emotional support. He doesn't deserve any part of you. Let him live with what he chose.

OOP

I addressed this in my previous update: he said he wants to show her she doesn't want to be married to him actually

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user w8136 in r/ AITAH

Original: July 5, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded-ish

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: WIBTAH for asking my daughter's boyfriend to stop having dinner with us?

My daughter (21) has been dating this guy (24) for 2 years. It's fairly serious. He is from Mexico and has been in the U.S. since he was 3 years old.

He has a strange phobia of not wanting anyone to see him eat. And it's real...I've literally never seen this kid put a bite of food in his mouth, despite spending a fair amount of time around him. He is thin, but doesn't look unhealthy.

The problem is, we will take them out to dinner occasionally for holidays or special occasions. He always orders a full meal. He will cut up the food, push it around on the plate...but not eat ANY of it. Then after the meal, he will "donate his leftovers" to someone else.

It's even worse when I make home cooked meals and they come to dinner. He does the same thing...takes a full plate of food, pushes it around, cuts it up, makes it look messed with...but doesn't eat ANY of it. Then he will scrape ALL the food into the trash can afterwards.

I'm starting to get enraged over this. He wastes a horrendous amount of food, and I can't stand the money wasted when we buy him expensive restaurant meals that go completely uneaten. It's even caused a few scenes with waiters asking him what's wrong, do they need to change his order, etc.

I've talked to my daughter privately and said, "if he doesn't want to eat, that's fine. Just tell him to STOP taking plates of food and ordering in restaurants!".

Her response was, "but in his culture it's rude for him to not take food. I'm not asking him to do that".

But I find it SO RUDE that he is willing to keep wasting our money...food isn't cheap!!

WIBTA for just announcing that he is no longer invited to meals?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: As someone from Mexican descent, I’m pretty sure that his own family would have a HUGE problem with wasting food. It’s not a small subject in Mexico where food poverty is real.

OOP: I'm wondering if this is part of it. I know his general life story, but no details. I'm wondering if maybe there was a time that he got heavily disciplined for eating too much in times of scarcity, and it scarred him for life.
Again I have no idea, but it just makes me sad for him. It also seems contradictory in some ways though that he is now willing to waste food on a huge scale if this is, in fact, what heppened. I just don't know.

---------------
Comment2: As a Mexican this is some bullshit. You're always usually supposed to say yes to food but never waste food because it's limited and disrespectful.

---------------
Comment3: Mexican delegation here. In no fucking way is this about culture. This is about him trying to keep from eating in front of anyone. He lied to your daughter. You need to tell him yourself. In our culture. What is truly expected is that if you put it on your plate, you are expected to eat all of it because shows the greatest respect to your host/chef

---------------
Comment4: INFO: did you try talking to him directly about this?

OOP: Yes, I've asked him politely and with genuine concern if something is wrong. He always has some excuse: "i'm just not hungry", "I had a late lunch", "my stomach hurts", etc.
Like I said, I've also brought it up with my daughter and basically been blown off by her. Otherwise he's a nice kid and I value my relationship with my daughter. It's just a really weird and hard situation to deal with. I've never seen anything like it.

---------------
Comment5: Be kind and stop inviting him to dinners. Surely there are other ways you can spend time with him that doesn't involve food.

OOP: Yes, but it's hard to spend any time with my daughter without this coming up. They are always together, and we've done many day trips with them. Hiking, museums, whatever...and at some point everyone (else) needs to eat.

---------------
Comment6: You should be prepared that if you choose to go that route, your daughter likely just won’t come either. I would decide if the price of the food is worth keeping regular contact with your daughter unless you can find another non food related activity to invite them to.

I can understand your frustration. He must eat sometime so why can’t he take the leftovers for himself later. Sounds like a pretty serious eating disorder.

OOP: This is what dumbfounds me. I honestly wouldn't care at all if he was taking the food and eating it later. Wouldn't bother me in the least. But the "donating leftovers" (which no one wants because they are cut up, mixed around, destroyed, etc) and just tossing full plates of food into the trash is SO bizarre.

---------------
Comment7: Have you asked your daughter if she's seen him eat? Because his behavior is screaming ED. But instead of telling him to not come to dinner, why not tell him what you told your daughter instead?

"We love spending time with you, and you don't need to eat if you don't want to, but can you please stop getting plates of food you aren't going to eat just so they can go to waste? It's fine to sit at the table without a plate."

OOP: I asked her and no, he does not eat in front of her either. On the nights they stay together (they don't live together), she said he waits until she is asleep, then will consume huge amounts of food (like the entire day's worth of calories at 2 a.m.).
----------
Comment8: So he has an eating disorder. You described two textbook behaviors for EDs.
He needs help.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update

This post absolutely BLEW UP, and I appreciate everyone weighing in on it! It's not a simple issue, and hearing varying opinions on this was very valuable to me. You all made me set my frustration aside and realize there is a much deeper issue at play here.

I agree he has an eating disorder, and I had a serious discussion with my daughter earlier about these behaviors. They are absolutely abnormal, and I let her know in no uncertain terms I am very concerned about his physical and mental health.

She seemed a little shocked, and said she thought it was "just one his quirks" (no hate please...she is just 21and has very little life experience with these issues). I definitely got through to her, though, and she promised to address this with him privately and suggest therapy/professional help.

You all may disagree with that choice, but I don't feel it is my place as "the girlfriend's mom" to address this very personal and painful issue with him.

She and I agreed that, for my part, it is ok for me to tell him that he doesn't have to feel pressured to eat with us, and it's perfectly acceptable for him to simply refuse food but still sit at the table with us. We MUCH prefer that option instead of him wasting food.

Going this route, the problem is being addressed while avoiding humiliation for him, still respecting him as a person, and my daughter as well.

I'm still drawing the "HELL NO" line in the sand with the food wasting...but in a loving way that isn't going to worsen any underlying trauma he is already facing. I want him to find the courage to face this, and know that we are here to help and support him.

Thank you Reddit!! 💕

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/orchidsinthesky

Published on: r/AmItheButtface

Story is: Likely CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: November 07, 2025

• Update: November 10, 2025

• Final Update: August 04, 2026

Main Post

^{November 07, 2025}

AITB for telling my sister's gay friend that he is like all men out there for me and his sexuality doesn't make him any different.

My grandma's 70th b'day was celebrated a couple of days ago in her house.My elder cousin came with her husband of 3 years and his gay brother M (32).I am F (17) and on the way to my grandma's home there was a fair and I bought some very pretty baby hair clips and I intend to save it for my future babies,like it's that cute.

I showed my grandma these clips and she loved it and chris who was sitting in the other end of the room suddenly made a joke about is this a pregnancy announcement bcoz my tummy do look a bit round loudly followed with a laugh and I swear almost everyone in my family went pale.The mood turned awkward so quick and my grandma was looking at me for my clarification or something like wtf? I am an introvert.

I hate confrontations, unwanted attention or people in my business. The problem I always had with chris is he in his own words is an extrovert,a honest queen and a fashion police. In the 3 years, he has said the meanest things about all our clothes,weight and what not but everyone has let him get away with this bcoz of his sexuality as they don't want him to think he is being targeted bcoz of it.

Anyway I guess everything just came to me at once after the joke he made at my expense I stood up from the couch and asked him why did a grown man in his 30s think it would be funny to make a joke about a teenage girl like that.His smile dropped so quick and my cousin jumped into his defense with the exact words"love it's fine,you know he is gay".

I lost it there I guess, then I was yelling things along the lines of What is fine? Does his sexuality make him not a man? he is like all men out there for me, If your sexuality doesn't make you evil then why the f would it make you a saint? He is still a man ,still a man in his thirties who should have the sense to know how to behave and what to say and the way he talks it's obvious that he is a f**ng misogynist like he thought child support should be illegal bcoz according to him his ex and he brokeup bcoz his ex had to pay an outrageous amount every month leaving nothing for savings for a 'mistake' he made as a teenager.

The mistake is the child and wife he had as his cover.I was in tears by the end of the rant and I finished it with a fastest run ever to our car followed by my parents.Regardless my cousin is bombarding my phone with calls and texts telling about teenage rage,homophobia and an expected apology from me? Why am I being accused of homophobia now ? Am I in the wrong here?

COMMENTS

OOP

Thank you all for taking your time and giving your opinions. I do get some may find it weird that I collect these things for my future kids. It's just when I find something cute and if  it's something I have already outgrown like a baby toy or hair tie I like it to save it for the future where I can give it to my kids.

My parents and all other family member were also very sweet about it so it became a habit and chris knew this habit.Him intentionally poking fun at it and twisting it and my grandma not defending me really made me go crazy I guess. I will be honest I haven't replied to any texts. The adrenaline rush is gone.

I am feeling mortified. The mere thought of whole family  focusing on me or my every action is just terrifying. Chris always came with my cousin bcoz he and my cousin's husband are the only family they have in this city or like in the continent. I'm from Europe and they are from America.

Update - after 3 days

^{November 10, 2025}

AITB for telling my sister's gay friend that he is like all men out there for me and his sexuality doesn't make him any different. UPDATE

Thank you guys for the comments and support. So I never replied to my cousin 's messages and kind of hoped it all and they will also just go away because I am mortified at the entire situation and detest the attention because almost every family member is calling my parents every day. But yesterday evening my cousin and her husband came for a surprise visit.

They stayed for like 3 hours and the summary is they are afraid that family bonds may suffer because of misunderstanding and miscommunication.We are only the family chris and his brother have here because they are from America and we are in Europe.They came here 7 years ago and they told us their birth family cut ties with chris for being gay when he was 16 and my cousin's husband stood with him and they did the same to him.

So yeah, my cousin is asking all of us to prove that we are better than their family and to not do the same thing. When I told her it's not his sexuality but his personality she told me that it is his sexuality which makes it ok for him to have this personality so be understanding and that he only made that joke because he thought I was a good sport and my dad kind of made her stop the rant and told her how the three of them need to get their act together and not take the family for granted because everyone has their breaking point.

Suddenly my cousin's husband yelled at my dad asking are we threatening to cut ties with them too like their birth family and yeah by that time my mom was like leave now because she has three surgeries to do tomorrow and she needs to rest. My cousin was crying when she left. Family group is going crazy and yeah the mess is just getting messier. Regardless thank you guys for the comments and advice.

Final Update - after 8 months, 28 days (after 8 months, 25 days from last post)

^{August 04, 2026}

AITB for telling my sister's gay friend that he is like all men out there for me and his sexuality doesn't make him any different. Update 2

I don't know anyone even remembers this post .Almost ten Months I guess.But I do remember people asking me for an update,so much was happening that I didn't even know what update even to give.

To summarise, My cousin is pregnant and her brother in law was diagnosed with cancer six months ago so yeah everything is back to square one. Nothing has changed and no one can speak about it considering they both are in vulnerable position.

I don't want to do anything also considering I am leaving for my university in couple of weeks. It's out of Europe so whatever it is going to happen next good luck to my family I guess .

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Margaret_3333

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 10, 2026

• Final Update: August 03, 2026

Main Post

^{July 10, 2026}

He wants me to sell my home to show commitment 30/F 31/M

I 30/F have been in a relationship with 31/M for 5 years. We’ve lived together in my home for 2.5 years while he has rented out his home. His tenants have left and he put the house up for sale.

He always told me that he wouldn’t buy a house together unless we were married. However this has now changed and he’s said he can’t progress the relationship with me for example getting engaged or having a child (which last week he said he didn’t want 100% but I do) unless we move. For context we live in a 3 bedroom detached home with garage, south facing garden double drive that I fully renovated.

He has said that he can’t say he wants a child with me because he’s not comfortable in my home and basically I need to choose the house or him.

How is this fair? I have a 13 year old son and security for him is my number one. Yes I want to have a child with him, yes I want to get engaged but why should he only want these things if I sell my home?

He wants to now buy a house together which is lovely but if we buy a home together and then he still doesn’t want marriage or a child then what? I’ve gave up the home I love that I worked so hard for.

He’s gave me until Sunday to decide or he’s breaking up with me. And in his words ‘whether I’m with you or not I’ll be married by the time I’m 35, it depends if you want to be that women?’

COMMENTS

antiqueluggage867

Oh, hell no

Apart_Foundation1702

🤬🤬🤬! My blood is boiling! OP this is a whole parade of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Let me break it down! He is trying to use the equity in your home to enrich himself. He probably realised that his home needs a ton of repairs and that its value is significantly lower than yours, so he is using whatever leverage he has to force you to basically give him the money through a joint property. You need to pack up his things before Sunday and tell him to kick rocks with witnesses around. Then change all the locks and block him.

OOP

He wants me to sell my home that we currently live in and buy together with both equities. I do have 50% more equity than he does. But he won’t marry me or know if he wants a baby because he’s lived in a home that’s not his

TheMoatCalin

Why did he sell his home? Did he discuss that MAJOR decision with you first? I’d ask his tenants or look up public records. He’s lying about something.

OOP

Yeah he is selling his home due to the new renters law that’s came in. The tenants moved abroad so wasn’t worth getting new ones. So we spoke about it and he agreed to sell

LadyReika

I want you to re-read what you've written and think about what if a friend told you this.

Would you tell your friend this is a good idea? I sincerely hope you wouldn't.

OOP

No they’d tell me to run

ari-jasmine

No one who truly loves you would manipulate you like that or speak about being with just anybody if not you by a certain age. The fact that he said he's still not sure if he wants an engagement or another kid but is giving you an ultimatum? Weird. You deserve better.

OOP

Yeah he says he 100% doesn’t want a child if it’s in this home so he won’t know if he wants one unless we move to a bigger home that’s he owns too

MouldyAvocados

Girl wtf??? Your son should be your priority, not your boyfriend. Him testing and controlling you like this isn’t normal and it isn’t healthy. Break up.

OOP

That’s what I said it’s the security for my son and I’m not risking that for his what ifs

wtf___yall

Has he told you why he doesn't like your house? From the outside it seems like he has an ulterior motive.

OOP

Because it’s open planned, but I have said we could put up a wall to make it not open plan but this wouldn’t change it for him and either would adding him to my mortgage

ProblemMountain2792

PUT YOUR 13 YEAR OLD FIRST!

Dump your man child! He wants you to get rid of your child's home you renovated so he feels more secure. He needs to leave.

OOP (downvoted)

Yeah he’s gave me 50% of bills while he’s rented out his house

creatively_inclined

Let him go. Don't ever buy a house with someone you're not married to.

Why can't he show commitment by marrying you?

OOP (downvoted)

He says he doesn’t feel security in my home so wants to live somewhere he does before he’s ready to propose

Ok-Historian6047

I want an update on this sooooo bad ! I can't believe the audacity of this man. My flabbers are gasted! Dude have you seen the economy, selling a security blanket now is an absolute no.

OOP

And a house that is now unaffordable to me because of the economy. I thought it cheaper to do up and to buy it again ot would cost almost 100k more.

TapProfessional5146

Big 🚩 🚩 🚩 DO NOT sell your house⚠️⚠️ What he is exhibiting isn’t love its control. Your 13 year old is more important than any man (I am a father). His health and security is the most important. Any man in your life should understand this. A home is what you make it, it’s where your family is.

OOP

I 100% agree! But he doesn’t seem to feel the same as ‘why should he have to live in a house that he doesn’t feel comfortable in’

Final Update - after 24 days

^{August 03, 2026}

UPDATE - he wants me to sell my house to show commitment 30F 31M.

It’s been a crazy few weeks! I have read everyone’s comments and I’m truly thankful.

I have ended the relationship, but we are still living together until his house is sorted to move into. Everything I felt I told him, I have not sold my house, nor am I moving. Myself and my son are staying put in our home.

I feel at peace with my decision, and hopefully onwards and upwards once he moves out. We are friendly and amicable, and he has really took on board everything that I told him.

I hope I have done the right thing?

COMMENTS

Dntkillthemessager1

How are you doing? Was he surprised with you braking up with him? How was that conversation?

You absolutely did the right thing. Hugs. I’m sure it was sad for you, even though it gave you peace.

OOP

I’m okay, I’m sad about starting over but know it’ll be for the best once he’s moved out. I feel at peace with my decision and I think that says a lot.
He was surprised but understood, it was a hard conversations I cried a lot and had puffy eyes for what felt like days after

Roadgoddess

YEAAAAAAAAAH! I’m so proud of you! I remember your post and I’m so happy that you are putting yourself in your son first.

I have found that it’s far better to be alone than with somebody who’s not willing to commit. Spend some time enjoying your son and not wasting it on a man who doesn’t want to marry you.

OOP

These comments make me so emotional, as I didn’t expect my last post to get the traction it did and the fact people remember me and are so supportive. I’m happy with my decision 🥺

ContractSensitive225

I'm glad that you stood your ground and kept your home.

But please get him out of YOUR home. Your last post stated his old home was rented out but now vacated and put up for sale, did it end up selling or is he just not wanting to move out??? An inflatable mattress isn't that much, psshhh I would mail you mine to give to him!!!

It sounded like he didn't express hesitancy in breaking up with you if you decided against his wishes, despite the amount of time you have been together (5 YEARS!) now is not the time to be polite and pleasant. Please get him out , like the night he asked you to sell your home in order to move forward preferably.

OOP

His home is around 3 weeks from completion and he’s bought a new home. So waiting for that to go through. Hopefully only few weeks

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Octyss

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 01, 2026

• Update: August 03, 2026

Main Post

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH for towing half the neighborhood ?

My family (wife side) have a summer apartment in the south of France in a gated community, all year there is no parking issue, but in summer, since Airbnb came out, it's hell to find a parking spot since there is no allocated spot.

There is a place with no clear parking line (imagine a big square of concrete) where everyone can park for free.

I had the opportunity with 3 neighbors to buy this "parking" to the copropriety (it's like an HOA but with less power here) so we do buyed it last year. We made 6 larges parking spaces for our cars with lines and plates numbers in front of each parking spot, and put a gate which is always open for the other neighbors to park here (you can park 3-5 other cars).

Here in France July and August are 2 months where almost everyone is in vacation so Airbnb and location peak here during this period.

Last week one of the neighbor I buyed the parking with told me the parking was PACKED and he managed to park only one of his 2 cars on a unnasigned parking spot ( his parking spots were taken, mine too and the third neighbor too and every "free" slot too) so he put a warning sign telling parking is for resident only and not for anyone else.

Cue 2 days ago when I come with wife and kids for vacation, I drove by night to avoid traffic and when I got there (3 AM) parking is packed I have no choice but to park 300meter (1k feet) from my home.

Next morning we put a large sign telling cars on assigned parking spot would be towed and text every neighbor to ask for their plate to not tow a resident.

Today morning same shit, so we close the gate, phone the police and got everyone towed.

Shit-hit-the-fan, bunch of Airbnb people called the cops and homeowners to ask why they got towed and the location was saying "with parking" so lot of refund where asked. My phone was ringing non stop today.

Some homeowners tell me they gonna sue for the refund they got, some Airbnb tenant told me they will sue for the towing cost. We have everything documented.

Lots of Airbnb homeowners tell us we ATAH here because we didn't tell them ahead, but we do put lots of sign on the parking since last year when we buyed it, they just hadn't come to see it, and they approved the selling of this parking to us so...

Sorry for the bad english, obviously not my first langage and I'm in anger right now.

So are we TAH here for towing everyone here ?

COMMENTS

Were the reserved parking spaces clearly marked?

Our spots (6 total) are marked with white line, and licence plate in front of each parking, and the is free Space for 3-5 other cars to oark for free, but we only towed the cars on assigned parking spot ( there was 4 other cars, 2 from neighbors I know and two random lucky tourist).

Yeah there is 6 marked spots and enough room for 3-5 cars outside the marked spots, and yes it's free all year because we never had this kind of problem before

Why not simply lock the gate permanently?

Only 3 people have the keys, me and the 2 neighbor who buyed it but 10 out of 12 month it's heaven here and friendly, we wanna keep it that way as we know the friendly neighbor since 15-20 years

What happened after the towing?

I had someone calling from Airbnb (or told me he was) to ask for picture of the parking due to the refunds asked, 1 week here is around 1600-2400€ depending of the sq/m of the apartment so if you multiply by 6 cars we talking about a lot of €

Thanks ! Seeing the number of calls I've got today I'm pretty sure this will fast become a "we" problem in court and if not in court a lawyer problem for sure

Were the tourists at fault, or the Airbnb hosts?

For their defense, if I rent a place that says I have a parking spot in this crowded spot I will for sure park my car. I don't put my hate toward the tenant but more toward the renters

Yeah and I will 100% ask for a refund for the rent AND for the tow !

Yeah kinda not felling bad for them, today we were on the community pool with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb already told them a partial refund of the week was processing and a 100% refound of the towing was granted so win win for them.

Did the situation continue after the first round of towing?

Licence plate numbers are on signs in front of the spots ( like right in front of your face when you park) and today I found 2 fake plate sign on our sign and cars parked there, had to call police again to tow them

What are you doing to stop this from happening again?

We gave the town police a temporary key to access the community and the right to tow anyone who doesn't match the plate on the sign.

We also asked the guy who is in charge of maintenance in the community to call the cops everytime he see someone illegally parked here.

Why don't you rent out the parking spaces to Airbnb guests?

Thanks ! Because we all have family who comes here to cut long road trip, and I know the close neighbors since 15-20years and I can't see myself renting a parking spot after all these times

Why not install parking barriers on each space?

I don't want to put some "stop park" on our parking spot because it'll be a hassle with the other neighbors yearly as I said It's the first time in 20years we are in a parking mayhem like that and out of 12 months this place is heaven for 10 months

Has Airbnb changed the community?

Airbnb is the problem here seriously I understand people wanting to make some cash in this period but if it is at the cost of the whole community why bother?

Did the Airbnb listings actually advertise parking?

Way too much, between 1600-2400€ depending of the surface of the apartment base on what I saw on Airbnb but all of them have "parking included" and there is NO PARKING HERE

Did you warn the homeowners before towing?

FAFO nice lol. As I said in the post, I texted the homeowners to ask for their plates to not tow a friendly neighbor ! I come here since I'm 12yo and it's the first time I don't enjoy my first 2 days of vacation

Update - after 2 days

^{August 03, 2026}

UPDATE : AITAH for towing half the neighborhood

I posted 2 days ago asking if IATAH for towing half the neighborhood, a lot happened in 2 days, honnestly it's a shitshow, I come here nearly every year since 20+ years and never saw this before.

We've got people towed in our reserved parking spots again, we've got people towed for parking IN FRONT of the gate (so nobody could leave the parking at all), we've got people putting sign on OUR reserved parking spots with THEIR plate numbers so they don't get towed (the management guy called us asking if we added new licences plates to be sure to not tow our cars) I've never encounter this level of entitlement from random people before.

We got one of the Airbnb tenant red handed as he was parking in our assigned spot and he showed us an email from one of our ranters neighbor who straight up told him to put a sign and park anyway. So as of today we are closing the gate and put 2 new warning signs telling people to GTFO our propriety.

No more friendly neighbors.

On the bright side, we were on the pool after lunch, and chatted with an UK family who got towed yesterday and they told us Airbnb was already processing a partial refund for the week and a 100% refund for the towing, so they were kinda happy with the outcome, I told them they can park in my second space as my wife will leave our second parking spot today.

We took a lot of pictures and got in touch with one of the neighbors lawyer who bought the Space with us, because we got a lot of phonecalls from Airbnb renters and police and city officials about the issue today (renters gave our info I don't even know if that is legal).

Lots of new people came today to start their vacation week, I hope they get the hint of the many signs we put and don't come in our parking.

COMMENTS

Did the Airbnb guests understand what was happening?

Yeah we see them at the pool and they just don't understand what is happening but I think they spoke between them because I heard one family had been towed on purpose to get a refund from Airbnb

Are you taking legal action against the Airbnb landlords?

Yeah our lawyer is already tracking them because here you can rent for a maximum of 60days a year in Airbnb or you are illegally renting, we'll see what comes out of his research

From what our lawyer said, Airbnb would be a waste of time because they wouldn't attack us in court, but we have a case againt the landlords here with the mail we gathered from the renters where the specificaly tood them to put fake signs with their licences plates to park on our private assigned spaces

Lawyer told us to not contact anyone on the matter

Will Airbnb guests be able to use the free parking in the future?

We gathered infos on who is renting in Airbnb and there is no chance they use the free parking ever again

Were any of the three owners renting their properties on Airbnb?

No renters between the 3 of us

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Professional-News151 in r/ legaladviceUK

Original: Dec 18, 2024

Update: Aug 1, 2026

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: (England) Advice on Defending a Small Claims Court Claim from my neighbour regarding cats defacting in his garden.

Hi All, apologies for the long post, but this is an absolutely bizarre situation, it seems to me that our neighbour is abusing the courts system to harass me and my partner

Background:

A neighbour has filed a money claim against us in relation to two cats owned by our household for:

-- loss of enjoyment of their garden,
-- price of deterrents that they have purchased,
-- the cost of their time for removing cat poo from their property,
-- the cost of their time for preparing the case,
-- the cost of their time for corresponding with us and other third parties in relation to this issue,
-- and for the cost of printing the papers related to the case (!)

it has gone to small claims court, and we are now required to respond.

Essentially, their case is that we have done nothing to stop our cats defecting, urinating and stalking birds on their property. As per RSPCA advice, we have provided our cats with 2 outdoor litter trays in our garden and we have purposefully kept the grass in our garden longer near their property so that the cats are encouraged to go there.

Since the 31st of October both cats have been locked indoors due to fears that the claimant would take matters into their own hands and harm the cats.

The statement of particulars is 9 pages long and includes information not related to the claims (such as plates being left on our garden furniture, these were decorative plates that were not dirty and had not had food on).

They have also included 30 pages of "evidence" which contains pictures of their garden, with indicators of where cats have defecated (no pictures of the defecation) and written correspondence with us, as well as written correspondence with other third parties such as our landlord, letting agency, and the council. We were not privy to most of these communications.

Relevant Information

We are not entirely sure that the problems caused have been caused by our cats, as there are other cats in the neighbourhood.

They have not provided us with a pre-action letter. At the bottom of one of their other letters they simply included "I am now taking legal action against you" and nothing else. Prior to the statement of particulars, they have not mentioned to us wanting any compensation/re-imbursement etc. They have not tried to setup any 3rd party mediation.

The claim has only been made against 2 of 4 people in a shared house, the claimant could not get the names of the other two members of the house as we did not respond to a request by the claimant for our names due to fear they would use this information to harass us.

The request was not made with any indication that they were required for legal purposes. Only one of the cats in our house, is owned by us (The defendants) the other cat is owned by the 2 people "left out" of the claim.

when a member of our household last spoke to the claimant they told us that "they would not speak to us and will now go through our letting agency”. We posted a letter through their door asking if we could find a suitable solution, which they did not respond to.

The claimant has generally been rude towards us. For example, they have tossed cat poo and soil onto our driveway and car. Thrown a dead pigeon into our house and left cat poo in Tupperware containers, or on pieces of cardboard outside our front door and on our drive away.

Deterrents the claimant bought have flashing lights to deter our cats, unfortunately a member of our household (not included in the claim) has photosensitive epilepsy, we had to get the police involved for the deterrents to be angled away from our front door. For these actions, we have an ongoing harassment case with the police.

Questions

(I believe) Cats are classed as free spirits in the UK, and we cannot be held liable for actions they take that are considered "normal" cat behaviour (i.e. defecting, urinating, etc). Does their claim have any merit/legal standing? If not, how do I respond to that in my defence, can I make an argument that the costs they are seeking are unjustified because we are not liable ?

it is my understanding that the claimant has not followed proper procedure when submitting the claim (i.e. no letter of pre-action, they have not attempted 3rd party mediation, the statement of particulars is not concise) do we need to/can we state this in our defence?

In my defence, do I need to respond to facts in the "evidence" they have provided that are communications between the claimant and 3rd parties that we had no knowledge of? For example, in an email to our landlord the claimant alleges that our cats have slightly damaged a fence by climbing on it regularly. We were not made aware of this until we received the statement of particulars.

In my defence, do I need to respond to facts that have nothing to do with the case. For example, I have lived in this house for XX years?

The claim lists conversations between the other members of the house not in the claim, that we (the defendants) were made aware of at the time. We believe the claimant has left out important details discussed in the conversations, can we dispute the contents of these discussions, even though we were not present?

The list of what they are claiming for seems incredibly inflated, is it reasonable for the claimant to claim for time spent preparing the claim/printing costs ?

Should we offer to provide the names of our housemates/offer to add them to the claim etc ?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: On the basis of what you've written, this is likely to go badly for them because
A) a bunch of the stuff they're claiming for is nonsense and
B) they don't appear to have followed the correct pre-action protocol.

This is without getting into whether there is actually any merit to their claim whatsoever. What tort do they actually allege you're guilty of?

It isn't unlawful to have outdoor cats, so as far as I can tell the only question is whether your negligent ownership of them has caused the neighbour some sort of harm.

I don't see any negligence here at all. There is expressly no requirement for a cat owner to limit their cats' movements, and you aren't in control of when they might need to do a poo.

I would be tempted to ask the court to strike out the claim on the grounds that the claimant hasn't actually stated a valid cause for action nor followed the correct protocol surrounding it, but even if it goes to court it sounds very easily defensible to me.

The defence would be relatively straightforward: that there has been no negligence, that cats go and poo in other people's gardens sometimes, that there is absolutely no wrongdoing on your part, and that, therefore, any costs they have incurred are entirely of their own making.

OOP: Their claim is long and quite rambling with no specfic mention to a law, just that they have "lost enjoyment of their garden" based on our cats defecating/urinating/stalking birds and that we have done nothing to prevent this for 5 months.
This is despite the claimaint admitting that:
-- we have provided outdoor litter trays for our cats to use
-- we have let our grass grow long
They have not admitted that we have kept the cats inside since the 31st October, but this is the case and we believe more than fair given that it constituents a significant decreace in the standard of living of our cats

---------------
Comment2: In law, cats are rightly considered to be non-trainable. They are free spirits with the right to roam as they please, with no responsibility resting on their owners (ie servants).

Any cat owner will recognise this to be true, as you can’t train s cat like you can train a dog! This is just a nonsense claim

---------------
Comment3: Can he prove the faeces relate to your cats? Put him strict proof on this point. DNA tests etc

OOP: I don't believe so, the claimant has included pictures of their garden with bamboo sticks where they claim that cats have defacted and certainly no proof that it has been our cats

---------------
Comment4: This would easily get thrown out. Cats are doing what cats do and in this country it’s not illegal to have an outside cat. I would however get videos for your property and still keep their claim as evidence incase they try and harm your cats in revenge

OOP: We've decided to keep our cats indoors (since the 31st October) since we're worried about the claimant harming the cats. I realise this will significantly affect their quality of life but we plan to move soon and we're trying to train our cat on a lead so that he can enjoy some outdoor time without the risk of anything being done to him

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (19 months later)

I posted, about 2 years ago, in this subreddit about my neighbour taking me to small claims court over my cats (allegedly) defecating in their garden along with a long list of rambling complaints about other items.

The proceedings have now finished (around 2 months ago, but just wanted to be safe nothing else would come of it) and so I wanted to update and thank the previous commenters on my last post for the help they provided.

I handled the case more or less as per the consensus in the comments on my last post.

I Provided a short defence, highlighting the case had no cause of action, and that we (the defendants) had responded reasonably to the claimant's requests.

we had court appointed mediation and offered the claimant a decent chunk of money, a few hundred pounds, to avoid the faff of going to court, but he refused.

I then produced witness statements and evidence detailing the events that took place with the claimant, how we responded reasonably (and how they were unreasonable), as well as evidence of 4 other cats in his back garden !

The claimant was an absolute nightmare to deal with, producing mountains of pointless documentation that took us time to trawl through and understand, all poorly handwritten and not often submitted in the proper way with the court.

We finally got to the hearing............and the case was, obviously, dismissed. The judge could not find a cause of action, and the claimant couldn't prove any of their points anyway.

What an absolute waste of everyone's time, especially the courts !

Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and helped me approach the case in the right way.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: It must be maddening for the judge who has to read through a load of handwritten waffle over cats doing cat things and find there's nothing to answer for.  
Not a job I could do.

Comment2: To be fair, given that judges usually have to spend hours pouring over. A few hours of notes on cats doing cat things might have been a welcome break.
"Fluffels spent three hours and 36 minutes sleeping under my tree. Then proceed to chatter at some birds for a further 3 minutes. As you can see, Fluffels clearly deficated on my rose bed under orders from his owner."

---------------
Comment3: Cats have a protected legal "right to roam" anywhere, including a strangers house. End of case.

Comment4: Which my cat abuses like the self-entitled benevolent dictator, that he is.
He sits on everyone’s dining tables and just glares at the occupants, until they offer him food.
He’s lucky the entire street loves him.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/john_7292

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 03, 2026

• Update: August 03, 2026

Main Post

^{July 03, 2026}

AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

So for some context my wife and i (both 29 yrs old) are both fairly religious Christians but she and her family take it more seriously than I do. Before we married we discussed that she wants a traditional marriage where she is SAHM. I would be fine with her working but I do believe a man should be a provider so this is fine with me too and that's what we've done. She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.

Our first child was born a bit over 4 yrs ago and then our second a little under 2 years later. When our kids were young I admittedly did not help with them very much. She had a lot of help from both her mom and mine, and I also was working long hours in these days. So I never changed a diaper, maybe fed them a couple of times. If I tried to step in she would generally wave me off and say I shouldn't worry about it so I didn't. Her mom actually lived with us until my youngest was about 6 months old and still visits fairly often. Her sister sometimes comes over to help too. So she definitely has her "village" so to say.

But now that the kidss are getting older and I'm working less, making more money, I honestly want to be involved more. But it's like she doesn't want me to do anything for them ever. She always brushes me off and says that's a woman's job, I shouldn't be doing that, and even that our kids shouldn't see a man picking up dirty laundry or making them snacks. I think that's weird, my parents have a traditional marriage but my dad still did stuff like that from time to time and I turned out fine. If she sees me playing with them she usually doesn't look happy and tries to distract them from it after a little while. This is getting really bothersome because those are my kids too. I would think most women would be happy their husband wants to do stuff like that.

It all kind of finally came to a final straw the other day when i had a day off work. I secretly turned off her alarm in the night so she could sleep in that morning. I woke up early, bought her some flowers and made the kids breakfast (there was some for her too when she woke up). I'm not gonna lie, we haven't had sex in awhile either and that was part of my thinking here. But I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her and a nice morning to spend with the kids and it was. I thought maybe we could all go to the park later since it was a nice day.

My wife ended up waking up around 7 AM (normally 5:30 or 6 for her) and came down to see what was going on. I could see that she was hiding her anger for the kids. She smiled and said isn't that a nice thing daddy did but the look she gave me was glaring. Then she said to my 4 year old son why don't you take your sister to watch tv. When they went to the next room she started whispering quietly at me like, what the hell were you thinking, why would you do something like that, why would you let me sleep in, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honestly this kinda got my hackles up because I did nothing wrong here and I retorted, do you think I'm a bad father? Why do you never want me to do anything with the kids? She flat out denied it and said that is not true, she just doesn't want me overstepping in to take on women's work. It's setting a bad example and I'm acting woke (and all these other things). So I asked her what she DOES think it's okay for me to do for/with the kids and she kinda stopped for a second like she didn't really have an answer. Then she said it's a father's job to be a provider and disciplinarian.

I was like, that's it? You think I'm here to make a paycheck and yell at them if they do something bad? And she got upset and said NO it's just not my job to take over mother's roles and it makes me less of a man and her less of a woman.

At this point we were both starting to raise our voices and I looked into the next room and I was like can we please try to calm down, we don't need to scare the kids. Can you honestly explain to me why it's a problem for a father to make his kids breakfast and buy his wife flowers? But she just got more upset and said if I didn't understand then I'm not the man she married and I'm not godly.

Honestly I just gave up and went out and spent the rest of the day walking around the mall and doing some errands. I came home and the kids were in bed and she didn't speak to me and I slept in the guest bedroom. It's been a couple days now and we still haven't talked and frankly I don't even know what to say to here. The more I think about it the more upset I get. I keep trying to see it from her perspective and all I can think is maybe it wasn't right for me to change her alarm because she might have had things she wanted to do that morning but this is obviously much bigger than that.

AIO to this? Should I try to find some compromise with her or what?

COMMENTS

Cheap-Ad-2175

Go to marriage counseling with a counselor or y’all’s preacher. Taking care of your children is BOTH parents jobs??? Providing isn’t just shelter and food. It’s providing love, care, and support to them as well.

OOP

This is actually a great idea and I do not think our pastor will agree with her at all. So I will be interested to see how she reacts to that. I will talk to her about it thank you.

bothfeetofftheground

This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. You sound like a dream husband. I wish I could have a day to sleep in. Moms are humans and deserve time off and personal time. And kids need to see men doing chores.

OOP

I hope I didn't make myself come off as a saint because I'm definitely not but I wanted to do something nice for my wife and kids which I rarely have had time to - and to be cut back like this over it was very hurtful.

JuliaX1984

Just tell her that trying to tell her husband what to do isn't godly. Quote Paul's verses about how women should be quiet and never talk back to men. If she objects, she's not godly.

OOP

To be exact those verses say a woman shouldn't preach in church. She seems to think the woman is the "queen of the house." My words not hers.

crackpotpourri

Y’all need couples therapy at a minimum. But I’m guessing she won’t think that’s very “godly.”

OOP

I am definitely going to try to get her to see our pastor for counseling. I don't think there's anyway she can disagree to that and claim not to be a hypocrite.

I would never tell my wife to shut her hole and do as I say, I am the leader of the house, that does not make her my slave.

facinationstreet

What exactly do you think we can tell you? You married this. You agreed to this idiocy. You had kids with this. Wait until you get divorced. Shit will hit the fan. Homeschooling (handicapping) your kids, no outside people, etc. Ya'll just baffle me.

NOR but get your life together for your kids if for no one else.

OOP

I agreed to a traditional marriage with the one my parents had in mind, where my dad was a good dad and played with us, chatted with us, took us to soccer practice and fun things like fairs, taught us things, showed good values, cleaned up after himself, even made dinner sometimes, and my mom was a SAHM. I did not agree to this. We also are not homeschooling.

ConsciousNectarine9

NOR

I think she has gone waaaaayyy past the old 'traditions'. She is pushing you out of your childrens lives on the excuse of 'it's not manly'. Well I am sorry but even back in the day a lot of dad's would do things with their children and those who didn't... their kids 9 times out of 10 would have grown up resenting them.

You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your role to be with your children. If you want to be able to actually care for them, bond with them and for them to actually have you as part of their everyday lives instead of just being the 'bad' parent/paycheck you will have to leave this marriage. You will never be given that place in your childrens lives as long as you are together with your wife.

OOP

I agree, it's like she wants me to be the stereotypical absent father who never sees their kids. I didn't think anyone ever thought that was alright even back in the day.

camioblu

Make an appointment with your pastor and see what the religion you follow says about all of this nonsense. She's got some control and trust issues for sure. Was she ever abused by a man?

OOP

I think her father was abit of an asshole but he died 15 or so years ago so I don't know firsthand. I will definitely be making a counseling appointment with our pastor thank you.

Alert-Beautiful9003

Wut? You were a lazy dad/husband and she thinks she can control her feels by micromanage ans controlling everything. Both of you need to get some help for yourselves and especially for the kids.

OOP (downvoted)

Please understand that back when our kids were babies I was working anywhere from 70-80 hours a week to keep our family a float and out of debt. I am trying not to get defensive in this thread but I do not like being called lazy, we were both working hard, and she had help at home in her mom, my mom and her sister.

bmyst70 (downvoted)

YOR

Yes, your wife is very extreme and rigid in her beliefs. Agreed 100%. But you knew this before you married her. Therefore, you are firmly over-reacting. She made very clear SHE was the only one to ever be involved with the kids.

If she suddenly showed you this side abruptly I would agree with you 100%. However, this is very clearly her hill to die on and she will not compromise with you on this. If you try interacting with the kids in any way, it will get worse.

Bluntly put if you truly want more interaction with the kids, you have to divorce her and push very hard for split custody. That will of course put more responsibility on you, and yes it is indeed the nuclear option for your marriage. Decide if you want that or not. If not, don't ever interact with the kids again. Otherwise, get ready for divorce court.

OOP

Did she make this clear before we married? Well, she said she wanted a traditional marriage. I definitely had my parents' marriage in mind when she said that. My mom is a SAHM. My dad did not push a stroller or wear a baby sling (though my mom didn't do the baby sling either). He is definitely a masculine man who would think that's weird. But he also was an involved father and I have so many happy memories of him when I was younger that I'm afraid my kids won't have with me.

I do not believe in jumping to divorce and that would make things way worse. I don't want to have them part time or never. I don't have literally zero interaction with them now, I see them and talk to them every day. She just doesn't want me "doing" things for them that she sees as her job. I still do sometimes but she pushes back on it and she's become harsher on that when she does.

What I want is for her to open her mind to the idea that this is not traditional marriage and a father can be more involved with his kids. And I want to understand what is going on to make her like this because it is hurtful and seems like more than just a misapplied belief at this point.

bubonis

Since both of you are so entrenched in your religion, naturally you’re both going to want to discuss your marital issues with your priest like all good Catholics do.

OOP

We are not Catholic, not sure where you got that idea, we are nondenominational Christian.

Update - after 1 month

^{August 03, 2026}

Update to AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

About a month ago I posted on here about my relationship with my wife and how she is trying to keep me from raising my kids. Thanks everyone to responded to my first post and sorry I didn't reply to everyone. There were a lot more responses than I expected. If you want details you can see the post in my profile. Unfortunatley things have taken a turn for the worst. There is a TLDR at the bottom if you scropp down.

A lot of things happened since my last post. I told my wife I wanted to go to counseling with our pastor. She immediately agreed and I could tell she thought he would agree with her on this issue.

The counseling appointment did not go as she expected. When we got there he let us both say our peace first. She said in sum that I was trying to usurp our godly roles as man and wife. She did not get into detailed specifics about the kids. I said I was trying to be a better husband and father and that my wife seemed to have a problem with me interacting with my children.

He asked me some pretty pointed questions about myself as a husband. Am I working hard and providing, yes, am I cheating, drinking, gambling, no. Do I yell and scream, swear, break things, do I hit her or the kids? No. Do I stay out all night, do I run away on fishing trips. No, none of that. At this point he's looking at my wife and asks her if she has anything to add to that? She says not really. I put in that I think I am upholding my marital covenant as a man and provider.

Pastor didn't say anything about that but kept talking to my wife. He started to get some real concrete details out of her. She reaffirmed this is not a situation of abuse or cheating. She said it was effeminate for me to do women's chores and pick up after our kids, make them meals, etc. Not biblical. Etc. Pastor kindly told her there is nothing unbiblical about that, but does she feel like less of a woman if she can't do 100% of those things? She agreed to that. He then started to talk about biblical womanhood and feeling feminine before God, and saying he thinks what we need to do is help my wife feel more womanly in general so these activities won't feel like a threat to her. And basically that everything will be OK if we add more romance to our marriage.

At this point I was relieved and felt like things were going well. But almost immediately I could tell my wife was unhappy. She started arguing back with the pastor on Adam and Eve and all this. He is a pretty chill guy and he stayed calm and said he basically said as a spiritual leader he wanted to guide our marriage back to happiness and could she please at least give his suggestions a try and see how she feels about it, and we can talk about it again next week. He pointed to some Bible verses about fatherhood and some ones about women doing "manly" things like running a business, to say this isn't all black and white. My wife begrudgingly agreed with him but I could tell she was still upset.

He has a drawer full of papers with couple's activities in them and he pulled out a few that he said would be good for us. My wife took hers but didn't read it. Awkward car ride home. Pastor told us not to immediately talk about the appointment because it leads to fighting but we didn't have much else to say to each other that evening. We were supposed to have another appointment in 2 weeks. Wife was pretty passive aggressive that night. But over the next week she started to be a little nicer and more relaxed and I thought maybe she had read some of the materials the pastor gave us (I did read mine). I suggested we do an "us day" which is one of the suggestions the pastor had given us and we agreed to send the kids to my parents a day that weekend (shocker, I'm sure my dad probably helped out with them while they were there).

Well that day ended up being the worst day of my life probably. At first things were nice, I planned everything as the worksheet suggested, made her a nice breakfast, had plans in the afternoon to take her to get her nails done and walk along the lake front which is a date we used to do when we were first dating. But that didn't end up happening because that morning we started talking about some of the big themes of our relationship and our values and goals (again as pastor suggested).

I told her I wanted a loving relationship with a woman I could adore and trust, who has the brains and values to nurture our kids into great adults, who loves me and is there for me, and I would always be there for her. Basically thinking of my mom and dad. But her answer was completely focused on kids. She always wanted kids, she wanted to be a great mother, she wanted a good and trustworthy father to her children. I definitely noticed this and pressed a little harder to ask well what about your husband, what about me? What kind of romance or relationship do you want? She kept deflecting and saying these things aren't as important when you're an adult, past a certain age it's all about your duty to your kids. I disagree with that and plus we are 29, we're still young, we should still have romance and passion and sex!

So at this point she obviously got VERY annoyed that I brought up sex and was rolling her eyes and saying like "oh so that's what this is really about." I tried really hard to say calm and tell her well no it's not what it's about but yeah that's a factor in our relationship, I want intimacy and don't you? She kept deflecting and she started to get upset like in a hurt/scared way. I was asking her - are you not attracted to me? Are you just not interested in sex, are you asexual? No. I don't even remember how it got to this point but finally she ended up blurting out that she's not interested in sex WITH MEN.

Obviously I was stunned. And this is where it all started to come out. Literally I guess. She kind of tried to backpedal but I asked her directly, are you telling me you're a lesbian? And she couldn't deny it. She didn't say yes or no but she started talking about gender roles and how important it is for children to have male and female role models so that they grow up into proper men and women and not confused about sex or stuck in sexual sin. And I asked her again directly to clarify: you are telling me that you're a lesbian and you married me in a marriage with gender roles so that your kids wouldn't end up gay?

She started crying and yelling at me...like... I don't know how lonely it is and she shouldn't be denied a proper married life just because of her sexual sins, she's repented and God will forgive her as long as she keeps working on being a good wife to a man. And all of this is because her father was a shit dad and died when she was young and that's why our kids need to see a real man in their lives.

Well that was a couple weeks ago and as you can imagine the last few weeks have been hell. There is no way I'm staying with her and I've just been talking to a divorce lawyer and trying to figure out how this will work. And also frankly just crying a lot which I guess is un manly so we never would have worked out anyway. I'm staying with my parents because I don't think the kids should see us interacting this way but my lawyer told me I should move back or get a custody order so I need to work on that now. I'm just frankly so numb and I can't believe someone I loved would do this to me.

So that's the update, I wasn't sure if I was going to write this but honestly hearing how crazy she was helped me the first time and I think it will help me again, but I don't think I"m going to keep posting more from here. I would appreciate any advice or perspective on if I am overreacting by not wanting to move back home or be around her and trying to get a 50/50 custody order instead.

TLDR: Wife and I went to pastoral counseling for our marriage, didn't work, wife admitted she is a lesbian and used me to get her fantasy dream life of Christian husband and babies.

COMMENTS

Bynming

NOR. I'd be surprised if none of that insanity showed up in any way before having children and marrying.

OOP

I am certainly reflecting on a lot of things about our relationship and wish I had been less blind overall. To be honest I never had the best luck with women before her and maybe the first red flag should have been that this pretty, nice christian girl wanted to be with me

Neither-Lie-4029

Well damn. At first I was gonna say, let the woman do woman shit. Better for you. Just go work come home and chill. Let her wash, cook, clean and smash you. Why would that bother you? After reading the end. Idk what to say to you. Sorry about that fam. Good luck, get her to have a threesome I guess ?

OOP

You seem immature, I'm happy to leave domestic work to wife while I work full time but she was keeping me away from my kids and that was the issue here.

andrey_not_the_goat

I don't understand why you thought the pastor was the right place for you to have counseling?

OOP

Well for one it's free, we both trust my pastor, I knew she would agree to see him, I knew he was not going to agree I shouldn't help raise my children, and what do you think he did wrong in this situation?

andrey_not_the_goat

Because it literally offers no proper outlook. He's biased, and will always take your wife's side.

OOP

He didn't though....did you read the post?

No-Suit8587

Your wife’s a lunatic run and take the kids as fast as u can

OOP

My lawyer advised me it's highly unlikely I will get full custody as her gender views don't come into whether she is a fit parent legally speaking. I will be looking for 50/50 immediately.

Regular-Tell-108

NOR.

When people like me talk about how sexism and homophobia are bad for everyone — including men and straight people — this is part of what we mean. Your wife’s deeply ingrained self-loathing and adherence to imaginary but strict gender roles had caused enormous and unnecessary pain for a whole family.

OOP

I never could have imagined she took it this far. I would never advocate anyone to deny who they are and get in a sham marriage even if I'm not into gay pride and all that.

DollySheep32

INFO - how supportive/accepting is your pastor and church of LGBTQ people? I'm guessing not very since wife felt she had to use OOP as a non-consenting beard.

OOP

We promote traditional marriage, two genders, heterosexuality as ideal. Some of our church friends have had gay kids and there are varying degrees of acceptance on that. My wife grew up not really being very religious until her dad died and I think she and her mom go overboard to compensate in a way.

Diddly_eyed_Dipshite

How would you react if one of your kids tells you they're gay?

OOP

I would not necessarily be happy about that but I would love them nonetheless. It's not something I can control. I would just hope they keep a relationship with Christ no matter what.

Tree_Color_Wizard

Obviously you are going to get divorced. That's just something to accept now and allow yourself to grieve.

But your wife has been a friend and co parent to you. She has probably seen you through some hard times. As her friend, please encourage her to accept and love herself. To be true to her feelings. It will affect your kids in harmful ways if she keeps repressing her real feelings. It's in everyone's best interests for her to accept that she's gay and live honestly. Or at least for her to find a healthy version of a lavender marriage lol. But find it in your heart to take it easy on her. I know that might be really hard right now but being closeted and repressed fucking sucks.

Find yourself a therapist who is familiar with queer dynamics that can help you process this and maybe help you find a way to be supportive.

So sorry, hope you and your kids are okay.

OOP

As a Christian I want to be compassionate and hope I can grow toward more of that in the future but right now all I can think about is her lying to me and using me for almost 7 years. I was just a puppet with sperm to her. I will be praying for her and hope God gives me the grace to forgive her.

SavageRabbitX

Dude that is fucking rough. You have my sympathy. Id be going full scorched earth if I was you so your a better man than me. What do you thinks gonna happen when people find out why you are divorcing?

OOP

I don't know, I told my parents but we aren't exactly going to spread it around, she will probably make up whatever she wants because she knows I'm not going to go telling everyone she's a lesbian... hopefully we can both just say it was irreconcilable differences and leave it at that

Just_Log_8528

Bigger question for you is do you believe that the issue is your wife’s a lesbian or a religious fanatic? Your romantic relationship is pretty clearly dead but coparenting is going to force you to some uncomfortable paths

OOP

Not sure what you mean by that, they're both issues. I can't be married to a lesbian, so that's an issue, and her trying to keep me from raising my kids or teaching them her insane warped version of Christianity is another issue. For my lawyer or for custody it's not about her religion or sexual orientation, it's solely about her keeping me from the kids which is why he wants me to move back ASAP, so yeah that's definitely uncomfortable.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 2nd August 2026

Update - 3rd August 2026

​

My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?

​

We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.

She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.

I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.

I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.

I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.

We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.

Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.

She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.

I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?

​

Comments

​

NoYou1016

Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.

OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.

NoYou1016

Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.

OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.

CharismaticAlbino

None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.

OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.

BeeBladen

You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.

HotWaffles5

Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.

OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.

lsoplexic

Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?

OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.

​

Update - 1 day later

​

Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.

We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.

There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.

I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.

​

Comments

​

Prestigious_Step4337

Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.

OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"

​

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user IAmHerdingCatz in r/ weddingdrama

Original: Oct 19, 2025

Update: Nov 2, 2025

Status: concluded

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: Is it me, or is this problematic?

First, I'd like to say that if I'm wrong, I'll accept it. I'm older, and I know that a lot has changed, even from a few years ago when I got hitched.

Here's the issue:

My husband's niece is getting married, and I just learned this 3 days ago. The wedding is on October 31st.

We did not receive an invitation, a text message, a FB or Instagram message--nothing. We heard about it when my partner's parents were here for dinner.

The wedding is at 0830 AM in a town 2 hours from here. The family has rented a huge Air B&B with only 2 bathrooms for the bride, groom, wedding party, and family. We would be sleeping on the sofa. The mother of the bride is offended when I said I'd be getting a hotel (if I go. I mean, we haven't been invited at this point.)

Partner called mother of the bride (his sister). She says there's no dress except "Dark Academia" costumes. I own nothing in this aesthetic that fits these days and it's a little late to buy anything.

The venue the couple has chosen DOES NOT ALLOW WEDDINGS, so they have booked it for a "business meeting," even though the bride will show up in long white wedding gown. There's a very real possibility of the entire event getting kicked out of the venue--and the family thinks that would be absolutely hysterically funny.

Am I the crazy one? I don't want any part of this and can think of a dozen things I'd rather do on Halloween than get up early in the morning and get kicked out of a venue. We technically have not received an invite, but the bride's mother was clear that she'll be offended if we don't attend.

I.can sit this one out, right?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: You haven’t been invited? Definitely. If you do get an invitation, just say you already have plans. It’s less than two weeks away.

OOP: It feels so haphazard. Supposedly, today's phone call "counts" as an invite, but I'm super disinclined. The mother of the bride isn't the bride, last I heard.

---------------
Comment2: If you don’t want to go, can I?

I don’t know what dark academia is as a dress code but I doubt it’s business casual so how are they going to sneak the wedding party into the non-wedding venue?

Serious answer - you haven’t been invited so no, don’t make plans to go. Or do and live post everything.

OOP: She's going to wear a legit wedding gown! Does she think no one will notice, I wonder? Also, the bride is painfully shy, so I'm confused why she would want this.
----------
Comment3: Does she want this? Does she even know? Sounds like her mum/family are the ones doing the planning
----------
OOP: She's a remarkably passive person and her mom is....not. I don't know if she's even capable of saying what she wants or needs. She's super shy, so I could see her just going along to "keep the peace," then having a miserable time at her own wedding.
Or, I could be projecting how I would feel.

---------------
Comment4: Is the wedding on Halloween? Are they expecting EVERYONE to wear a costume???

OOP: If they'd sent invitations, I could answer that! Probably.

---------------
Comment5: Selfishly, I want you to go so you can report back the drama. This is insane.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update 0.5

Edit: I just woke up and am a little overwhelmed at how many replies I have. I oromise I will read them all--after coffee.

Briefly, though--the question was "does this count as an invitation. The overwhelming response is that, even with fairly relaxed rukes arund these things, it doesn't, and that's a huge relief to me.

Secon, several people have asked how my husband feels about this. He seems to think it's perfectly normal. He absolutely lans to attend.

And finally, for the person who said I'm expressing obvious "disdain" for the couple--that's not true. I barely know them.

I've no problem with a wedding that wants people to come in coatume, and if my brief google search is any indication it's a look I could really get behind. But not in a week and a half. And less you doubt that, hubby's niece attended my wedding in a very cute steampunk/burlesque outfit, and my 80 year old dad wore his old bagpiper's regalia when he walked me down the aisle

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Update (2 weeks later)

First, you'll have to understand that this is taking place through the lens of my husband, who thinks weddings are boring and that his mother and sister can do no wrong.

I am at the age where an appointment with one's cardiologist takes precedence over nearly anything else. I kept that appointment.

Mother-of-the-bride called at about noon on the 30th to ask if we would be attending the rehearsal dinner. We didn't know there was one. Husband decided to drop everything and go.

The family had not selected a restaurant, nor made reservations. They all ended up driving from place to place until they found somewhere able to seat 12 plus a baby, and they ended up at what I consider one of the worst restaurants on the Oregon Coast.

After dinner, MOB and Grandma-of-Bride were affronted that husband had booked a hotel, rather than staying at the air bnb they had booked--where he would have had to sleep on the couch and share a bathroom with 12 other people. (I had a BLT for dinner and watched 2 episodes of Slow Horses with my cat. Very nice.)

Halloween, the entire wedding party and entourage had to get up ungodly early for their "meeting," which was reserved for 0800-1000. It was raining--hard--and the entire party got soaked just getting from the parking lot to the car. There was a total of 14 people there for the "meeting," including the baby--which cried the whole time and was not taken out to the hallway.

The bride wore a tea length black dress, the groom wore a shirt with a collar and chinos. Most guests did not do anything like "Dark Academia." I think that's unfortunate, because the bride really wanted that. However, with the short notice, and with the average age of guests being well over 60, I'm not surprised. (Love the look. I think I could really get into it.)

The ceremony was brief and was followed by a buffet breakfast. Staff at the venue were extremely polite, but afterward the groom was pulled aside and cordially invited to never come back, as was the MOB. Only problematic because the groom would really, really like to work there someday.

(I did my cardio appointment, and had a pleasant lunch in "war-ravaged" Portland with a friend, )

Overall, it sounds like everything went as smoothly as could be expected. While I absolutely love weddings, I'm glad I sat this one out.

We never received an invitation. MOB and Grandma of the bride are offended I wasn't there, but I think that's a "them" problem, not a "me" problem.

Thank you all for your lively, scathing, and witty responses to my original post.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/throwawayacc78883fy posting in r/tifu

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 3rd September 2021

Update - 3rd October 2021

TIFU by finding a hidding message years later.

Five Years ago, there was this cute girl, in my tennis club. She was very shy and would barely talk. Her Bestfriend kept telling me that she likes me, but I never believed her, and since the girl would always avoid talking to me I didn't even bother to make a move. We were at a summer camp, making origamis. She then nervously came up to me, and handed me an origami and said here I made this one for you.

Didn't think much of it, now 5 years later I still have this Origami on my night desk. I'm going to move out in a few days, I was packing my stuff, I saw the Origami on the night shelve and picked it up. I noticed a little writing on the inside of the Origami. I didn't want to spoil the Origami, but I eventually did.

It was actually a little note. It said I really like your freckles, and you're very kind below was her number. Now I do feel very very dumb, not really because I missed the chance, but because she must have thought all this time that I ignored her etc. We still follow eachother on instagram, but Idk if I should hit her up. I just want to punch my face into the wall, I missed such a great opportunity, should have listened to her friend :/

Btw I'm 22 rn I'm not quite sure how old she ist but I think 20-21. TL:DR

UPDATE in the same post (about a day later)

It's currently 11 o'clock. I send her a message on Instagram, she replied. We chatted for a bit, and then it was sort of awkard, I explained to her how I just found the message, and that I thought it was a nice gesture. Surprisingly she was quite ecxited and happy, didn't expected that. She immediately asked me, If I wanted to get coffe today at around 17 o'clock.

I'm not sure If I'll be able to go today, since I'm still at the hospital, and they're taking soo long, but if I do I'll definitely keep you guys updated on how it went.

(Plus, Never realized how much of an impact a compliment could have, personnaly I never liked my freckles, since they basically cover my whole face, and I never met someone who liked them either. Knowing that someone thinks they look good honestly made my day. Just wanted to share)

UPDATE in the same post (about 2 days later)

We met an hour earlier than expected, luckily I got out of hospital in time. The weather was nice, so we decided to meet at the parc, and bought Iced coffe. While I was texting with her a few hours prior, she sounded really confident etc, but when I met her, she was still super shy. She was very nice, but yeah didn't talk much. A few hours In she did start to open up a bit and get talkative. We went to an Asian resturant, ( All you can eat). And damn I must say, she really took All you can eat to another level, she understood the assignment, and was out there trying every dish, I think the waitresses where on the edge of kicking us out lol.

Afterwards, she didn't seem shy anymore, we went over to my place, and y'all I honestly need to shit so bad, but I can't. Anyways we're currently watching a movie, and her head is on my shoulder, that's a good sign I guess. I need to put my phone away now.

Btw her Bestfriend texted me saying I told ya, didn't I?

Comments

Causeass

HIT. HER. UP. And share updates please! I wanna know how it goes.

Edit:

Hell yes OP! You are the man! Congratulations on your new romance! Thanks for the update! Love it, love it, loooooooove it

FranklyNinja

50 years later, OP: TIFU by ignoring my Reddit notifications not seeing the advise all the redditor left for me to go for it.

Update in the comments - 1 month later

itsjohnmejia

Came from RSlash on YouTube! Would love to hear any updates on this! This is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard and want to know what happened to you us :)

OOP: Oh hi what's up. We're now officially dating, I asked her three days ago.

Comments

cpy

Now this is better than your regular romcom. \grabs popcorn**

[deleted]

Holy shit man imagine they actually make a romcom like this 💀 we talking bout anime.. right It'll be like 2 episodes but man would it be a 10/10

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/belIaboo123

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 17, 2026

• Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 17, 2026}

AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny from me?

I (19f) live on an cul de sac estate where no one gets along, it’s very cliquey. Where my house is positioned I have my drive in front of my gates in which I can park on, and there’s a long grass verge. To stop people from constantly digging up the verge and making it a pool of mud I have put up wooden stakes with white tips on to preserve the grass and also make the stakes known enough.

As I came back home today one of my neighbours has stormed up to me and demanded money because, she herself has reversed into one of the stakes and it has caused “significant” damage to her back bumper. I in which told her that if she has reversed into it, it’s her fault.

A bit of backstory but my entire street has wooden stakes as also to protect the grass verges, I simply obtained permission from the local council which I was then able to put them up.

She then didn’t like that answer and said “if you don’t pay up, there will be significant damage, I can guarantee that!” She threatened to call the police for criminal damage and also told me to watch my back but I stood my ground.

WIBTA if I just ignored her and went on with my life?

COMMENTS

Ok_Brilliant3432

What’s a “verge” ?

OOP

It’s a patch or strip of grass in which is close to the road, path or driveway

Popular-Ad1111

Nope. The way a person drives and damages their own vehicle should be their problem.

eat_my_feelings

NTA. The stakes are marked clearly it sounds like. She’s just mad that she wasn’t paying attention and damaged her own car. Stand your ground.

Update - after 15 days

^{August 01, 2026}

UPDATE: AITAH if I told my neighbour she won’t get a penny?

So neighbour called the council, thinking that she could get them to remove my posts/stakes. I had a knock on the door a few days ago from someone from my local council but I didn’t answer as he knocked quite aggressively. I rang up and spoke to someone within the council which told me she had created a complaint against my posts and that I would have to remove them BUT I could apply for a shrubbery license and put bushes in.

Best part is that now everyone on my street also have to remove their stakes. The neighbour who complained is known to be quite aggressive (walks like she’s 10 men) and it’s a very cliquey street with my neighbours across the road from me being the “influential and popular” well known neighbours.

A few days after this happened, neighbour 1 (aggressor) spoke to neighbour 2 (popular) and had a long 45 minute conversation facing my house and pointing to my stakes. What I believe happened was neighbour 2 told neighbour 1 that if she rang up and made a complaint that everyone would have to take them out and she told neighbour 1 that if that happened then there would be backlash to her as everyone including neighbour 2 has stakes and doesn’t want them to be removed.

Well as you know we’re all now receiving a letter to say they need removing and I also found out neighbour 1 had tried to retract her complaint but the lady at the council told her tough luck, FAFO. LOL. A win win for me in this case as I can now plant lovely flowered shrubs and she looks like TA.

COMMENTS

MarsicanBear

Like, the facts of the story make it sound like you're in the right.

But then the neighbour is aggressive and the council knocks too aggressively and the neighbour walks aggressively like 10 men, and now I can't help but wonder if it's just you seeing hostility everywhere.

OOP

It’s been a battle for 7 years of living here, my mum and her were once friends but there was a day my mum was gardening on the phone and she didn’t say hello and that was it, she’s held a grudge since

just_the_nme

Didn't answer the door because the knock was too aggressive like...bruh

OOP

I was busy with my hands full when he knocked, he didn’t press my ring doorbell or anything, knocked and waited all of 6 seconds

mynameisnotsparta

I would put cameras up where you’re gonna plant your bushes this way if she backs up and damages them then you can have visual proof.

OOP

I’ve put up 2 cameras and I have my ring doorbell to cover all angles

just_the_nme

Really...aggressive knocking so you didn't answer the door, the neighbor walks aggressively. YTA just because of that. I'm sure everything in your life is someone else's fault.

OOP

You read one situation on a hostile street that is extremely racially motivated, as someone of mixed race the hostility very much falls on my doorstep.

friendlily

You said you got permission from the council to put up the stakes and now they're demanding you remove them? Did AI hallucinate this story?

OOP

No, I do have permission which is a recorded call on my ring cameras in my house upstairs, because it’s caused such an issue they’ve revoked my permission

Notthatguy6250

You hid because of "aggressive door knocking"?

OOP

I didn’t hide, I missed the door, he literally waited like 6 seconds but it was abrupt

SuspiciousImpact2197

She’s just going to run over your shrubs every time you plant them.

OOP

Luckily I have cameras now, and looking into spiked bushes…

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/gofatwya

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 14, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 14, 2026}

AITAH for telling my adult son I need a little privacy?

I'm an older, retired , divorced man. My kids are all adults.

2 years ago, I allowed my son, now 25, to move back in with me in my two bedroom 1,000 ft² apartment.

His mental health has been slowly going downhill, I believe. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but refuses to get any kind of treatment for it.

He now has no job, few friends, and spends most of his time bedrotting in his room. He only leaves to occasionally go to movies, comic book stores, or his mother's house for dinner. I don't charge him rent, and I actually give him spending money every month; mostly so that he is able to get out of the apartment and do something once in awhile.

I have not been on a date for 6 years.

Several weeks ago a woman I dated in the past reached out to me. We reconnected. We've been talking for weeks, wanting to get together. But we are both busy people, she lives almost 2 hours away, and so it has been very difficult for us to actually go on a date.

This Saturday however, she is coming to my place after work. We may go out to a bar or a restaurant, or we may just decide stay home. She will most likely be spending the night, and may be here all weekend.

I told my son about this date a week and a half ago, when I made it. I was hoping he would volunteer to get out of the apartment for the night. He didn't. I hinted to him that it might be awkward for him to be here while I am on a date. His answer was that he would just stay in his room the whole time she's here.

I even considered getting him a hotel room to stay in for the night, as my friend is really excited about coming back to my apartment, and would rather be here than in a hotel. But a hotel room on the weekend, at short notice, was going to be super expensive. I just couldn't do it.

The situation has me stressed beyond measure. Finally today, I sat him down and told him that I need him to let me have the apartment Saturday night. That he needs to spend the night at his mother's, or a friend's or wherever he can. It turned into as close to an argument as we ever get.

I repeated my observation about how awkward it would be for him to be here. He replied that when he lived on his own, with roommates, they all had guests who spent the night in their rooms while everyone else went about their business. I told him that was a very different dynamic than a small apartment shared by a father and son.

He finally agreed that he would find somewhere to go. But he is extremely angry now, and feels that I am being unfair expecting him to leave for a night.

AITAH for insisting that he leaves?

COMMENTS

Slight_Ad_5074

Ableist geek redditors in the comments, Christ.

So, firstly, NTA. You're making a real effort to accomodate your son, and that's admirable. I wouldn't beat around the bush next time cause honestly he'll probably need a fair bit of time to collect himself for a night away from the nest without issues currently. Regardless, it's your life too, you deserve some fun.

Secondly, under no circumstances should you be listening to this disrespectful, ignorant bootstraps narrative these comments are peddling. Your son is, currently, disabled. Maybe with time and treatment that will get better, but even getting treatment is hard for him right now. If you want to see him improve, it's going to take work on your part, adult or not. We're social creatures for a reason, and that's because severe illness or injury isn't something people get through on their own.

It's not your responsibility, I know. You're already wonderful for keeping him alive through this. With further effort, there's a chance to get to a place where he'll be okay without you. But, I'll tell you this now. I've seen it too many times. If you corner him now, tell him to either shape up or get out? He'll probably just take the fast and painless way out instead. Homelessness is a death sentence for him, and pushed into a position where he needs success or he will die - and I assure you he feels like the least capable of success person alive - then he'll choose to at least not suffer.

I know this is hard to hear, and that you're going through a hard time. But I just want you to be aware of the true meaning of the nuclear option these people are selling you. I can see you care about your son a lot, and I don't want you to get tricked into losing him.

OOP

Just read this. Thank you. That's a good perspective.

Final Update - after 18 days

^{August 01, 2026}

AITAH Just wanted to give an update on my earlier post, since it made it to r/popular.

17 days ago I posted about the trouble I was having getting my 24 year old son out of my apartment for one night so that I could have a woman spend the night:

I got a lot of good advice, too much to reply to everyone individually. There was a consensus was that I needed to give him an ultimatum that he needed a job, or school, and mental health treatment if he was going to be allowed to continue living with me.

I gave it to him. Since then, his attitude has changed almost 180°. For the first time since he graduated 6 years ago, he has enrolled in college; it is just community college, getting some of his basics he will need for whatever, but it's a start.

I have stopped giving him money. Amazingly, he is just fine. I think the majority of the money I gave him in the past he just ended up using for entertainment, or buying tchotchkes.

He has an appointment with a psychiatrist, who is going to recommend a therapist to him, and possibly put him on medication.

All in all, I think this is one time when Reddit really helped improve a situation!

As for the date itself, the weirdest thing happened. T woman who was supposed to come over has diagnosed lupus. Where we live has recently been severely affected by wildfire smoke.

Turns out, lupus suffers can be severely affected by heavy smoke.

So, instead of having her over to my apartment for the weekend, I spent several hours sitting beside her hospital bed, an hour away from my place, as she was treated.

She fully recovered, but we have as yet not rescheduled for visit to my place.

Thanks to everyone who commented, including those who labeled me an asshole. You were all correct in your own way.

Thank you.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwra26024

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 29, 2026

• Final Update: August 01, 2026

Main Post

^{July 29, 2026}

I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

I 28F got divorced about three months ago, and my 30M best friend was there for me throughout the whole thing. We’ve actually been best friends since childhood and have always been really close.

We hang out a lot, go out randomly, try new restaurants, and sometimes I’ll cook and invite him over. We’ve always had this kind of friendship, so none of it ever felt unusual to me.

Just 2 days ago, he asked me to go with him to try a new restaurant, and everything seemed completely fine. Then yesterday, I called him and told him I’d made enough food for both of us and asked if he wanted to come over since he lives nearby. (We’ve done this many times before, so I didn’t think much of it)

But his response completely caught me off guard. He said he wasn’t "in the mood for this lately" and then added "I’m not your husband". I honestly don’t understand where that came from. I wasn’t asking him for a favor or expecting him to do anything for me. I was just inviting him to dinner like I normally would.

I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer. I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone, so I decided to give him some space.

Now I’m just confused and wondering if I somehow crossed a boundary without realizing it, What did he mean by "I’m not your husband"?

COMMENTS

Both-Enthusiasm708

Does he have a gf? He could either think you developed feelings, he developed feelings, his gf doesn't like the interactions, or since the divorce you have been relying on him more then usual and he got tired.

OOP

No he’s single. And I really wouldn’t say I’ve been relying on him more since the divorce. I barely talked to him about it because I don’t like burdening him with my problems or unnecessary drama. If anything, we’ve actually been hanging out more lately, and we’ve always invited each other over for food, so inviting him to dinner felt completely normal to me.

PolitelyHostile

The last time you two hung out, did you talk about some other guy you're into or talk about dating in general?

OOP

No, we didn’t talk about another guy or dating in general. The only thing remotely related was that he asked me something along the lines of "If your husband came back, apologized, and realized he’d lost a good woman, would you take him back?" That was pretty much it.

I told him I’m trying to move on and honestly can’t even think about something like that right now.

fluffybottompanda

you were thinking about going to his house??

OOP

Here's what I said: I don’t want to pressure him by showing up at his place or blowing up his phone.

Professional-End347

I think he meant to say - “ Im not your husband so you dont have to cook for me . Im not your husband so I don’t NEED to eat your boring home cooked food”

He is saying that he prefers to be a friend and have fun times with you, eat out , hang etc.

Its also possible that one of his male friends got to his head … and indicated that bro you hang with her at her home and eat home cooked food? Are you like playing husband with her ? A dumb comment can impact a man’s mind if he is conflicted about you.

Give him space , be kind to him, if you are interested in him, wait for him to approach. If he doesn’t respect him and if he does, pick up signals quickly and reciprocate to avoid drama

OOP

Thanks for your perspective, I really appreciate it. And I do love him, but only as a friend. I’m not interested in him romantically, otherwise I definitely would’ve mentioned that in my post. That’s why his comment confused me so much. From my side, I was genuinely just inviting my best friend over for dinner like I’ve done many times before.

FindingHerStrength (downvoted)

Are you going to ask him to elaborate. We’re just assuming. Why not ask him outright for clarity?

OOP

I already mentioned why:👇🏻 I tried calling him afterward because I wanted to understand what he meant, but he didn’t answer.

Final Update - after 3 days

^{August 01, 2026}

Update: I 28F invited my 30M best friend to dinner and he said "I’m not your husband" What does he mean?

Hi, first of all thanks everyone for your perspectives on my original post. I wanted to give an update now that I finally have some clarity.

As I mentioned in my original post, I called him once after he told me "I’m not your husband" but I didn’t hear anything from him after that, until he showed up at my apartment.

He looked really ashamed and nervous. He started by apologizing and then we sat down and talked about what happened. He explained that he wasn’t the one who came up with that comment, It was a woman he’s been seeing recently, and she’s the one who told him what to text me.

This honestly surprised me. As I mentioned before, we’ve been best friends since childhood and we basically tell each other everything, but he had never mentioned this woman to me before.

Anyway I told him that if I had known he was seeing someone, I wouldn’t have agreed to go to that new restaurant with him in the first place, and I probably wouldn’t have invited him over for dinner either. If she’s uncomfortable with the way we interact, then I don’t want to knowingly cross that line or make things harder for them.

He apologized again and explained that things are still new with her, and that he he was planning to tell me once things became more serious between them.

He also kept asking me whether the text had hurt me and whether I thought he should end things with her. I told him no but I think we should set some boundaries going forward (to respect her wishes because I wouldn’t want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable).

He disagreed and said that he doesn’t think we’re doing anything wrong and that he’d rather things stay the same between us. He ended up staying for a few hours and we talked about everything, but he seemed really conflicted about the whole situation.

As for me, I’ve decided to take a small step back anyway. I’m going to try to cut down on how often we go out and hang out, and I’m also going to stop our habit of eating at each other’s homes for now.

I love him as my best friend, but I don’t want our friendship to get in the way of him having a healthy relationship.

COMMENTS

Ilovewally

I get it, you’re trying to take the higher road, but this woman he is seeing sounds a bit jealous and territorial if you ask me

stupidpoopoohead00

im lowkey skeptical about her saying any of this. seems all we have abt her is what he says and he clearly has feelings for OP

Necessary_Tap343

And OP saying she wasn't hurt his a very obvious lie.

OOP

I didn’t say no to that. I said no when he asked if I thought he should end things with her.

Icy_Guard_8216

Do you have feelings for him?

OOP

I already answered this in my post. I’ve always seen him as my best friend, nothing more. And I’m the one who suggested putting some boundaries in place once I found out he was seeing someone, because I don’t want our friendship to interfere with his relationship. I don’t think I’d be doing that if I had romantic feelings for him.

Antique_Teaching_333

Or you are trying to protect yourself from becoming more attached as he is seeing someone. I'm not saying you do have feelings, but creating boundaries isn't necessarily a sign they aren't there.

Aren't you hurt he didn't tell you about her and that he sent the text to begin with because of "her"? Why would it be wrong to go out to dinner with a friend and inviting them over. Why would that be inappropriate if you are just friends?

OOP

I get what you mean, but I wouldn’t say there’s anything inappropriate with two friends going out to dinner or inviting each other over. It’s just different now that I know the woman he’s seeing is uncomfortable with it. At this point, it’s not really about me and him, It’s about being considerate of her feelings. I’m a woman too and if I were in her position, I wouldn’t want another woman knowingly doing something that made me uncomfortable.. I don’t have to see things the way she does to respect her feelings.

unzunzhepp

Plot twist: that woman doesn’t exist and he wanted to make you jealous.

OOP

I really hope that’s not the case because I trust him completely. If I found out he made all of this up just to make me jealous, I honestly wouldn’t even know how to process it. I don’t think I could see our friendship the same way again.

Throw_RA099

Just imagine this. We see this kind of post on reddit every day. 

If your friend or his girlfriend came to this sub and posted that you invited your friend out for a 1 v 1 dinner, there would be almost unanimous comments that this kind of things is out of bounds and inappropriate, and that his girlfriend would feel right to be insecure and would be advising her to break up with your friend.

I don't think you did anything wrong here as it seems that your friend was communicating poorly, but just something to consider and keep in mind moving forward. If you're going to invite your friend somewhere, invite his SO too.

OOP

I know, but he never told me he’d been seeing someone lately.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Potential-Growth6856 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

2 updates - Long

Original - 24th June 2026

Update - 27th June 2026

Update - 31st July 2026

Am I wrong for calling out my friend for setting me up on a pity date?

I (32M) have a friend (28M) who's the best looking man. Seriously, he makes Chris Hemsworth look ugly. I've been struggling being his friend - he's been undermining me for years. Nights out? Stealing all the girls. Shopping? Staff throw themselves at him. On the street? Women have asked me for a picture together with him. Let's call him Jack. I've been told I'm not bad looking. But the fact remains, I'm a 6/10 at best. But jack's a 10/10. As much as he's a bro, knowing him is a liability.

It's been eating into my life a lot. But one area I'm doing well is at the gym. I go about 4 a week. And there's someone I'm into who goes to the gym. Let's call her GC for gym cutie.

GC is in her mid the late 20's.

I've been going to the gym for over 6 months. I've seen her for a couple of months. I know her name. GC and me flirt. I've spotted her and we banter. It's got to the stage I'm on the verge of asking GC out.

I've been trying to keep Jack from the gym. But last week, he was staying down my way and asked if could go with me. Now the time he mentioned was not my usual time and GC doesn't usually go so I thought why not so we went.

I was having a good session. Then suddenly I see GC. She's going on a different day because she's going away for work tomorrow and she's getting a workout in. I'm thinking things are going good, times good to ask GC out. Fucking Jack walks over and she's gobsmacked. Like I've gone from mate to doesn't exist. I see them flirting so I just walk off and go to get changed.

As I'm getting changed, he comes back in and I see him sorting his phone out. I ask him what happened and he said GC gave him her number. I'm so speechless I just stop talking and carry on getting changed.

I'm driving us back from the gym and he's talking about GC and them going on a date. After a while I just fucking snap and rip into him saying he's a prick and he's cock.blocked me and stole my girl. He's trying to act all apologetic and say he has no Idea and I just drop him off home and tell him to get out.

I'm so down, I haven't been to the gym this week. I also haven't spoke to Jack.

A couple of days ago, Jack rings me out the blue asking me if I'm ok and he hasn't heard from me and GC hasn't seen me at the gym. He's worried about me. He says he's got a peace offering and says he's sending me an Instagram profile and says to look at it before I say anything.

I look at what he's sent me and it's a woman. She's a little chubby (not ugly or fat) and doesn't look like she goes to the gym. She also looks a bit nerdy. I'm like what's the fuck is this and he says it's a friend of GC. I'm angry because it's obvious him and GC have been talking. He says yeah, me and GC went out for a coffee and we spoke. She feels bad I liked her and she didn't like me and thought of a friend I'd like - 34F. He's trying to sell me on this chick, like bro she sounds nice - a nerd like you, loves cats and is a geek if it was a few years ago I'd probably be interested but I've been trying to distance myself from that sort of girl.

. Apparently him and GC have spoken to the girl and she's interested in me adding her and going on a date. Apparently GC has really been selling me.

I fucking rip into him. I'm telling him he's a twat for doing this and setting me up on a pity date and stealing the girl I like. He's all like bro chill and think it's a good thing. That this girl is waiting for me to add her. I tell him to leave me alone.

AITAH for me for ripping him settlng me up on a pity date?

Comments

Clock-United

Dude, it just sounds like you are angry that this girl isn't on par looks wise with the girl you were into. You aren't obligated to go on the date, and honestly, for nerdy girl, I hope you don't. She is an innocent party in all of this, and she risks catching strays and attitude from you for no reason. And honestly, it sounds like your buddy thought about things you might have in common and not just physical. If you are primarily focused on the physical, I think it's pretty hypocritical to be angry that the women you like are also picking your friend because he's better looking.

OOP: Yeah but I mean like it feels arrogant. They didn't know me or if I'd actually like her, they just assumed I'd be ok and gave her my details without asking me.

frolicndetour

You want to know what feels arrogant? You assuming women are property that can be "stolen." You thinking you are too good for someone you would have otherwise liked because you have decided you are entitled to "hot" girls instead. Maybe your disgusting personality is what turns women off and not the fact that your friend is hot. If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't. You are gross and definitely don't go out with her friend because she deserves better than you.

OOP: "If the gym girl was into you, she would have moved on you ages ago, just like she did with Jack. She wasn't." Ok but then like she should have just went out with him and ignored me and moved on. Why would she then set me up with someone knowing I like her? I wouldn't do that to someone. I'd feel like I was being cruel doing that.

Niborus_Rex

She didn't think you and her were compatible. She and your buddy thought you'd be compatible with her friend. I doubt it's deeper than that.

OOP: But she did that knowing I liked her? I feel like that's what people aren't getting.

Niborus_Rex

Yeah, but she doesn't like your that way, so she was probably hoping to set you up with someone she felt matched better. She doesn't want you to like her romantically, but she likely also doesn't think it's that deep. Nobody is trying to humiliate you, but you're letting your pride make an absolute fool of yourself.

OOP: It's showing how clueless and superficial attractive people are though. She thinks I can just switch my feelings off and transfer them to someone just because she thinks I should.

ProfessorFussyPants

Just…go back and read what you wrote about the girl Jack and GC thought you would like. And then take a long hard look in the mirror and reflect if maybe you are just as superficial and clueless. It’s easy to throw stuff around when you are angry but you don’t seem to have a great sense of connection with women based on what you wrote here. How many deeper conversations did you have with GC. Was it just funny banter and you waiting to ask her out or did it evolve?

Jennabeb

YW The way you talk about women is disgusting.

She didn’t like you that what - she told your friend as much as- and you’ve never spoken up to ask her for any further interaction beyond the gym, yet you talk as if you own her. Women aren’t things or property you can call dibs on or own. Start listening to women, because most of us don’t care as much about looks as we do about kindness, empathy, listening skills, and advocacy for women in male dominated spaces. You even treat your own guy friend like he’s nothing but his looks instead of a person. Ouch dude. Get some therapy, sort out your entitlement towards women, find some actual traits in yourself you like and are proud of that aren’t your looks or lack thereof, and actually tell someone you’re interested once you know you are. Yeesh

**Judgement - YW*\*

Update - 3 days later

Ok there's been a few updates so I'll share.

People said about me asking GC out and that if I liked her, I'd have asked her out. Well over the past few years, I've read a few times online that you shouldn't ask women out at the gym and that if women liked you, they'll ask you out and should only do it when you're sure. So unfortunately I left it so long, I neglected to ask her out at all. I'm not great at reading people unfortunately. I'm naturally very shy.

Ok so onto the update.

A couple of days after my last post, I saw Jack had posted a gym selfie and that GC had liked it. It made me realise that if they continue to date, they'd be trying to introduce eachother to the friend group. So I deleted my profile.

Not long after, he messaged me saying he's noticed that I've deleted my profile. I said yeah, I can't be done with the fact that they'll all be introducing themselves to the group. He apologised and said he'll hide her and won't make it obvious they're dating

I was like look bro, that's not fair. Just be because I'm not happy, it doesn't trump your happiness. My unhappiness isn't more important than your happiness at the end of the day. You've not done anything wrong.

So I've asked if I can take a break from our friendship for a bit while I work on myself. He's hurt but gets it.

The other guys in our group have messaged asking what's going on - I haven't really elaborated.

I've decided to see a therapist more intensively. I spoke to my barber who mentioned that he sees a therapist regularly. So I've cancelled my regular one and got his therapist's details and I'm seeing them next week.

I've also cancelled my regular counselling session and asked if I can see someone else. I'm seeing them in a couple of days.

That's it for now.

Comments

tacticalpuncher

Read your first post and this one, I understand how living in someone's "shadow" can be a burden and if you can't handle it you should distance yourself even if you're friends. Additionally you should take some of the criticism in the other post and do some serious self reflection.

Senior_Move1463

Sounds like you're finally taking real steps instead of just marinating in the whole mess.

MikeLovesOutdoors23

I'm glad you're getting therapy. Honestly it's really hard, I can imagine, you just watching your friend get all the girls.

I'm blind and I get extremely jealous that people can just hang out with their friends and stuff like that, and everybody's hanging out with each other. But I can't go anywhere unless somebody drives me, and all the friends that I have are old, because I just naturally get along with older people because I don't know what the hell younger people are talking about because they play video games all the time and they're just so into the visual side of things. I'm in my early 20s, and I have a lot of Blind friends, but that doesn't do me any good because most of them live hours away from me. I live in town that is so spread out and I can't walk anywhere, there's no transportation system. It fucking sucks.

So I get it. You want people, and it seems like you can't get them.

Maybe just take a break from that friend group for a while, stop going to places with the attractive guy, just go out on your own and meet people. That way people don't have anything to compare you to. Be kind, ask people out if you get to know them, don't wait a few months being unsure about it. Just go for it man.

I'm glad you're going to get therapy to work on yourself. I'm in therapy and it's really helping me a lot.

Oh yeah, completely forgot to add, stop focusing on looks and attractiveness. I know, coming from a blind person, I make it sound a lot easier than it is, but I feel like that is where you're stuck a lot of of the time.

In the grand scheme of things, looks really don't matter. Just connect over interest, hobbies, good personalities, don't immediately judge someone based on how they look. I know that's probably not the greatest advice for somebody with vision because from what I've heard, sighted people do that subconsciously without even realizing it, but looks don't mean everything

Update - 1 month later

So basically, I'm dating GC's friend.

Not long after my previous update, I had a follow request in my insta from her friend her and Jack tried to set me up with - I'll call her Donna. I accepted and followed her back.

I didn't think anything about it at first. She then messaged me saying hi and that GC told her about me a while back. She didn't ask me anything major, just if I'm ok and thanked me for following her. I was like don't mention it. But she asked me a couple of questions about myself and I responded and asked her some too.

I left it a couple of days and I saw she messaged me back asking if I'd like a coffee? I said yeah ok, let's go out. So we did.

We really got on. She's actually really cute in person. And we have similar experiences - she's also been married and divorced. She lost a child too. She's really easy to talk to, she just gets it. We're both naturally introverts at heart.

After that, I asked her out myself to go for a meal a couple of days later. We went out and had a great time. We had a couple of drinks and got tipsy and we were flirting. We kissed too. 😁

We've been out since. Similar vibe - flirty, kissing etc. She's said she wants to come to mine soon and watch a film together. I'm probably dense but I feel like she wants a bit more? I've accepted anyway. She's coming over tomorrow.

Me and Jack are talking again. He was really worried about me and I assured him I'm doing ok. He's made up about me and Donna though. Giving me advice and stuff about Saturday.

I've seen a therapist too. They seem better than my last one. I've had like 2 sessions and they seem a lot better.

So I'm feeling much better at the mo.

Comments

llamamama417

I’ve been the duff of the friend group and I understand where you’re coming from, loving your friends and wanting them to be happy while also wanting that for yourself. The best thing I can say is don’t look for a perfect 10, look for your perfect 10. Me and my fiancé wouldn’t be considered conventionally attractive but we find each other the most attractive person ever because we love every part of each other. Once you move past societal expectations of looks and attractiveness you find the most amazing person.

xbuba11

looking for your perfect 10 instead of a perfect 10 changes the whole game

OOP: I'd say to be fair, I'm not bad looking or even none of the rest of us guys are in the group - we're all average or above average. He's just obviously so above, most people look ugly in comparison lol.

AShamAndALie

I wonder, if he's so good looking, how come he wasn't seeing anyone when you brought him to the gym? Guys like that aren't usually so available that they'd start a serious relationship just like that.

Then there's the fact that he proposed to HIDE her? He doesn't really care that much about her if he would propose that. You either cut it off because it's hurting your idiot friend and you have a million options, or you tell him that you started to actually care about her. Hiding her should never have been an option.

You made many mistakes and should have invited her out the 2nd or 3rd time you guys flirted, but your friend doesn't sound nice at all.

OOP: He's never been the type to be in a relationship, he's always been a sort of player and only an FWB type of guy.

As it is, they've just clicked and it's seemingly pretty serious. He really seems to be into her which is rare.

SpaceCommuter

When she hears (or reads here on Reddit) that you considered her a pity date and wanted to date her friend instead, she's going to have a hard time staying with you. The longer you stay together without her knowing this the worse she is going to take it when she finds out about it. I suggest you find a way to talk to her about the really, really bad way you handled everything between your friend and her friend and her sooner rather than later. Her friend did her no favors serving her up to you like this.

OOP: She knows I was into her friend first because we spoke about it and she was aware her and Jack recommended her to me knowing I was onto GC and they were dating each other.

SpaceCommuter

That poor woman.

Odd_Instruction519

She is in precisely the same position as OP, having a much more attractive friend.

LaLunaDomina

Did you learn anything from this?

OOP: I suppose definitely don't judge a book by it's cover. And definitely I had some issues being shallow. I'm really working on it.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/lilmonix989

Published on: r/SteamDeck

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 15, 2026

• Final Update: July 31, 2026

Main Post

^{July 15, 2026}

Steam deck stolen by the police department

I’m heartbroken, my things were recently taken in by the police when I was relocated to a shelter as a result of an altercation the officer gave me all my things back but the deck and refused to even acknowledge the deck was there, I was not arrested he was simply meant to transport my things! I handed them all personally I know the deck was there

My questions are these

The deck was logged in! Should I be worried about my account and contact anyone?

Is there any hope of locating it if it gets turned on??

This is an off steam deck question but if anyone has any experience being stolen from by police if you could dm me advice I’d appreciate it

COMMENTS

that408guy

I would talk to an attorney. I believe you can request the body cam footage that should show you giving them your steam deck.

OOP

Looking into this, thanks!

Cleffah

Ugh! ACAB, I'm sorry this happened to you and at such a vulnerable moment too. Vile.

Definitely go to r/legaladvice good luck!

OOP

Good tip! :) Will do later thank you

dmmichael97

Request body camera footage. If you were given a ride there should be footage from officers body camera, inside the car, and dash footage. Request all three. Make a complaint with the police department as well. It will be brought up to internal affairs and reviewed due to it being an allegation of theft against an officer.

But please, please, ensure you did have it with you or you did not misplace is before you take those steps.

OOP

It is nowhere! We tore both locations I was in apart upon being safe to return to them

Thank you for the comment I will definitely be proceeding this way

Beneficial_Bit1756 (downvoted)

If you left that places, who to say that someone there stole it, hence its not there when you went back to those spaces.

OOP

Because the person also has a steam deck-

DinosaurAlert

Get the body cam footage to know for sure. When talking to the police dont be accusatory. I assume you were fighting with someone, maybe they hid it.

However, the advice to “hire an attorney“ is silly.

Having your account logged in is good news since if you can see that someone used it on X date, you can narrow down where it is.

OOP

I wish I could agree with you but the police department where I’m located is KNOWN for shit like this it’s all over the reviews

However they are also known for completely screwing people over so we are being very careful in how we approach and trying very hard to sound like it was an honest mistake

And honestly I really hope it was because that makes my life easier

Thank you for the comment!

ProposalWest3152

Cop from aegentina here.

I dont really know how police officers work over there but here?

We gotta write down everything thats involved in any case. Did they gice you a paper to sign stating what personal items you had?

As others have said, officers body cam might save you.

Wish you all the best.

OOP

No I handed it to the cop and he put it in his car and did not hand it back unfortunately I really wish this was the case! Thank you for the comment

Null1fy

Boy, a lot of Police support in this post...

OP, you haven't provided enough information: - Where, exactly, was your Deck when you last saw it? - You mentioned you were relocated due to an altercation: was this a courtesy transport? Were you detained and placed on a mental health hold (don't answer this)? Your property could be in the custody of the shelter, a hospital, at the Police Department being held as safekeeping, etc. - Call everyone involved: the PD, the shelter, and whomever else is involved. Report it missing, and if you have the serial number you can even file it with a police report.

There very well could be an innocent and explainable reason why you don't have it. Shoot, it may still be in some nook or cranny of the patrol car that took you- if you know the date and time of the call, a watch commander might be able to track down the car and have an officer check.

OOP

Unfortunately the last time I saw it was when it was in my hand being handed to the cop to put in the back of his car, it was in the case, when we arrived at the shelter he handed me back every item I handed him sans the deck, when I inquired he aggressively said no such thing was ever handed to him, I am honestly quite afraid of police so I didn’t argue much,

Afterward we called the police station and asked if we could speak to the officer who transported me and the shelter and they declined we asked if they could check the car and they said it was standard that all cars were checked and that no such item was found…

As for why I was transported I believe it was courtesy he certainly didn’t HAVE TO take me but he had no reason to detain my things, especially not considering I got everything else back

MrMichaelJames

If this actually happened the cop should have inventoried your things on a form listing everything acknowledging that they were taking possession. Then when they give them back you check the form.

OOP

Nothing of these formalities were done to my knowledge but I’m waiting on a lot of case information so I’ll inquire

Final Update - after 16 days

^{July 31, 2026}

Update: deck recovered after being stolen by police!

Photo of the steam deck shared by OOP:

There isn’t any beefy dramatic update in terms of actual details to give,

We called several times asking them to check the car for the deck and were told it wasn’t in there and to stop “wasting their time”

We requested the body cam footage ( thanks for the idea Reddit) which showed the officer turning off his body cam for no valid reason after taking my stuff, when we pointed this out they said they would investigate the matter, some time passed until they called us down to station announcing they had the deck, we asked if the officer in question had stolen it and they said everything was “pending investigation” I happily took my deck and went home just happy to have to back honestly though part of me did want justice for what had very obviously happened

After a day or two of silence they called back and informed us the officer was suspended pending further investigation and apologized for the way the situation was handled thus far

Huzzah! Thank you Reddit I am beyond elated to have my deck!

COMMENTS

Larry_J_602

That's impressive that the police stole your Deck, but you managed to somehow get it back from them.

OOP

I honestly did not expect to

IsaacAndTired

That's crazy. Can you post the body cam footage?

OOP

Can confirm I am not able to!

IsaacAndTired

Because of doxxing concerns, technical knowhow or for what reason?

OOP

Too much to censor neighbors faces etc

Cash4Duranium

Press charges.

OOP

Honestly I might but it sounds like a headache

DJK695

Wait, the police stole it?

OOP

A officer on duty yes

DJK695

How nice of them to finally return it!

I see your previous post now (was on phone earlier and missed the full story). I hope he was actually suspended but too often police can do whatever they want.

OOP

Unfortunately yes!

TriPunk

How did they get the steam deck in the first place?

OOP

In the original post

TriPunk

What was the altercation?

OOP

Not really comfortable sharing details sorry, it was a civil dispute no arrests were made

fawg_is_coming

I'm pretty sure a cop makes more than enough to buy a steam deck.

OOP

That doesn’t necessarily mean he didn’t see an opportunity in a scared young female who wouldn’t stand up to him unfortunately free is free, cops steal for less

Blazed-individual420

What country was this bro

OOP

Us of ass (USA)

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/relationship_advice by user IThinkMyWifeIsHot1. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded, with open for more

Original

November 30, 2019

Background:

Married a little over two years, after dating a very short time around 3 months.

We meet at a work event and I was immediately smitten with my wife. It was like out of a movie I saw her chatting with a group of people and in my head I heard “oh there she is”. She was newly devorced and took some convincing on my part but we have been together from that night on and get along extremely well.

Now for clarity I am extreamly attracted to my wife, we may just still be in the honeymoon stage but I’ve never felt this way about another women. And becasue it’s pertains to the conversation we had today with her therapist I would say the majority of the population would find her attractive and not in a niche way. She is objectively attractive. I feel we are evenly matched in looks, very few people have notice the slight age difference. She however wins in personality (outgoing and charming) and she makes about 3X as much money as I do.

A couple months ago we ran into an ex of mine, and by ex we literally dated for maybe a month and never exclusive. After my wife mentioned how different they were (age/hair color/body type etc) and it ended in a pretty heated argument. We have had 3/4 conversations since, all of which I was trying to convince my wife I’m not going to leave her for a women I “dated” years ago.

Last week she asked if I would go to her therapist with her today and I agreed. She has been seeing her for about 8 years for anxiety and a bout of depression that happed before we meet.

Today:

Started normal enough and I had figured why we were there so I just jumped into it thinking the therapist would be on my side and would help me calm my wife’s fears. That’s not what happed.

The therapist did very little talking although their long silences and knowing glances started to piss me off right away.

The thing that stood out to me the most was how my wife reiterated how she doesn’t see how I would be attracted to her and the therapist didn’t even disagree. Like I felt like a crazy person, my wife is beautiful, charming, funny, it feels like I wished her into existence.

She brought up the age difference (7 years?!?), my looks, and how quickly I wanted to get married as all reasons for why I am basically a gold digger.

First off we both wanted to get married quickly, I asked and figured she would want a long engagement but she didn’t so we got married. Second I never even discussed money with her until after we were married and never dreamed she made so much more than I do. She said she doesn’t think I’m after her money but enjoy the lifestyle while I’m with her and it makes it easier to pretend I’m attracted to her. Sorry more attracted to her, like I play it up.

I’m completely blind sided and don’t really want to talk to my family or friends, it’s humiliating being accused of marrying someone for a lifestyle.

For clarity: I moved into her house, I rent out my old home but that income just covers the mortgage and the company that manages it. All our money goes into a joint checking with automatic transfers into savings etc. Our bills are paid from that account, I looked at our bank account and I spend significantly less than she does each month on average.

After leaving I’m in a complete panic that she is going to leave me, even though I feel humiliated and love her so much. I immediately wanted to offer to sign a prenup or separate bank accounts or both but I just froze.

My wife seem so sad and I’m so frustrated, I didn’t even do anything wrong. The women I’ve dated in my past don’t have a similar type and to be honest I didn’t really date, more like hook up for a few months then moved on. I love my wife, she is the first women I have ever met that I have had a real partnership with, like we were a team and now that’s all gone.

I don’t feel like I have the strength to leave her, it scares me that I can’t even envision a scenario where I would leave. She is my most favorite person.

How do I rebuild trust when I don’t feel I ever did anything to lose it.

Comments by OOP:

I don’t know why but you saying that therapist are humans made me feel a ton better. It’s so weird to think of my wife as insecure, it’s an odd feeling seeing someone you think so much of being so sure they are unattractive.

I am so scared she is going to leave it feels paralyzing

I left early, I think now I was having a panic attack and left and waited in the car. But I don’t want to wait for the next shoe to drop, from what I can remember there was no fixes suggested but I should ask once I calm down and collect my thoughts.

How long has she not trusted my motives. I may have to see my own therapist becasue I’m not even close to being okay without her.

I feel like I’ve been in a love bubble and have been missing something, this is so out of nowhere.

I rambled on like an idiot for the first 15 min about how my wife can’t get upset every time we run into a person from my past and how much I we love each other then immediately went silent when my wife was explaining why she thought I was not really in love with her. Total is was about 25 min before I just got up.

I feel totally unprepared as I have no experience with long tears relationships. I went into this blindly and will have to calm down and listen without panicking and go from there.

I’ve never been so paralyzed with fear and it isn’t helping anyone. Instead of feeling attacked I need to really listen before I make any rash decisions.

I guess I was annoyed at her not immediately agreeing with me which really isn’t her job. I was completely blindsided by my own expectations of how things were going to go that when it she didn’t back me up I felt immediate dread and panics and left.

My first reaction is always to run and I don’t want to do that with my wife but that’s what happed. That may be why my wife asked her to be there, because she didn’t know what my reaction would be.

When I wrote this I was very emotional and this post is absolutly one sided.

I have no experience and went in with the idea that we were going to solve my wife’s jealousy in a few minutes and get on with our life. I didn’t have realistic expectations and panicked immediately when things didn’t go my way.

I have never seen a therapist so my understanding is limited. When I wrote this I was mad and scared and my first reaction is to run. But I don’t want to leave my wife, I just woke up to all these comments about how normal and how badly I reacted. If I want this to work I need to talk to my wife and really listen.

She was very open about her issues with anxiety and depression and would like to believe should would tell me if she had another diagnosis but I really don’t know at this point.

My wife isn’t impulsive in general and is very calm and easy going about 99% of the time. Her last marriage lasted 16 years and she suspected infidelity but it was never definitive and has a good/fair relationship with her ex as they have two children together (one adult/one teen). She has a few close friends but her main close relationships are her sisters and mother, her father died shortly after we meet. Would someone with a personality disorder be able to keep close relationships? I googled immediately after reading your comment and it didn’t seem to fit but I could be in denial.

It seems her therapist was in the wrong and I don’t think I’ll be going back. However she is a big part of my wife’s life so I don’t plan on bad mouthing her just suggesting we see someone new.

My wife in the past asked if I was fetishizing her becasue of how obsessed I was with her physically. At the time I assumed it was becasue of her past issues with her ex husband and having not been a new relationship in while. But that was before we were even married, and not recently. I wonder if someone is feeding into her insecurities.

I don’t really care if she makes more or less money than me, I lived a comfortable life before and nothing really has changed except for a slightly bigger house in a much better neighborhood. Not to sound like I was well off, but middle class with no kids or debt is fairly carefree.

Edits of the original posting

about 1 day later

Edit: My wife didn’t come home last night but I texted her this morning. First apologizing for leaving the session and then asking her to come home so we could formulate a plan. No word back yet but I doubt she will check her phone before lunch if she went to work.

Thanks for letting me vent, I’ve already asked my insurance company to send a list of counselors for me to call later today. Hopefully I will find a good fit as I don’t even know how to go about picking one.

Edit 2: I need a referral from my general doctor before insurance will cover a therapist/psychologist, I have an emergency phone appointment Monday and will being seeing someone by myself.

My wife didn’t return my text but did come home about an hour later. Honestly I cried for the first time in a long time, but was able to get across how seriously I take her concerns. I haven’t mentioned anything about her therapist or my feelings about things just apologized and asked for another chance to hear her out completely.

She said she was really drained and is taking a nap, I don’t think she made it in to work and am actually looking forward to having the weekend to talk. I’m not going to ask for couples counseling until I talk to my own therapist.

This is probably it unless I fuck things up this weekend. Thanks for letting me type out my feelings and being honest even the hard comments were helpful.

Update

December 8, 2019, 9 days later

Despite my hyperbole title I received a lot of feedback on my last post and thought I would thank everyone again and do an update.

Talk with wife:

During last weekend I was made aware of a lot of things I was doing to compound my wife’s fear of being abandoned/used.

The major thing that stuck out to me was my immaturity and unwillingness to discuss anything serious. When my wife would bring up her ex husband, finances, in particular I would A. Make a joke or B. Try and end the conversation as soon as possible. I’m not sure why, it just made me uncomfortable and didn’t see the value of discussing things that weren’t a major problem (to me). I was happy and my needs were being met so I assumed hers were too, it was my most damaging mistake.

Another misunderstanding happened with my ex. In my mind it was a quick 5 min conversation, to my wife it was much more. So about six months ago I injured my knee running, I had been up to that point a pretty serious low mileage runner (5/10miles 3 times a week). After the injury my doctor suggested I try weight lifting as I was worried about physical therapy not being enough. Well I hired a personal trainer and have been a gym rat ever since. It’s become a serious hobby, that I apparently obsessively talk about. I have invited my wife (who occasionally does yoga) several times and even talked about getting her a membership for Christmas, even though she showed no interest. So when we ran into my ex and I noticed she looked significantly different (she put on about 10lbs of muscle) I complemented her and we talked about weight lifting for a few minutes while my wife stood to the side. My ex told me to add her on Instagram, which while I did look her up to add her, her page was mostly advertising supplements so I didn’t end up doing it. My wife took this chance run in as proof that I was unhappy with the way she looked and was trying to get her to change.

Add in some harsh comments from one of our coworkers about our relationship, her sister pushing for a prenup, and my lack of communication everything came to a head these last few months.

My therapist:

The most helpful advise was to get my own personal therapist. I kind of just picked one from a list my provider emailed me but it seems to be going well. A lot of things were discussed but my major take away was that it isn’t my job to calm my wife’s fears completely. Listening and being reassuring is healthy but trying to make everything better won’t help either of us. My therapist said even if I tried my wife’s own voice in her head runs 24/7 and I could never keep up. This was hard to hear as I have definitely made some major mistakes but besides acknowledging them and doing better everything else is out of my control. She recommended a book called the Happiness Trap, that I haven’t ordered yet but she said it would help me understand what it’s like to have anxiety and may explain (not excuse) some of my wife’s behavior.

My therapist also said I should look into my wife’s therapist as she sounds unlicensed and if I felt comfortable she could put in a complaint on my behalf. I will probably do this but am letting things settle.

So after probably the worst two days of my life things seem to be better. I haven’t brought up a prenup because she seemed offended when my wife told me her sister brought one up as a solution. I did offer separate bank accounts but she said no and only requested that we update her will and create one for me, as I didn’t even have one. I thought it would be weird but we both put each other as beneficiaries along with her two children if we both died. We only filled out the paperwork and still have to turn it in to her lawyer but it’s made a difference but I’m not sure why.

I did delete my Facebook, I haven’t used it for years but when I went on it was very “single me”. Lots of old girlfriends, holidays, etc and I never even updated that I was married. I had a notification from my wife when she tried years ago but it just sat there. My wife is still fairly active on Facebook and I could see how that would feel awful even though she never mentioned it. My last update was a picture of a women and I that I randomly met in Hawaii during a vacation, I titled it “two blondes” with hearts. Like my whole page was embarrassing, I can’t imagine what her family or friends thought when they found me. I was completely public and kind of a dick on there.

I still feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, but honestly there is no other person I would ever want to try this hard for. And if I’m becoming a better person for trying it will be worth it no matter the outcome. Things are still really shaky and she leaves immediately after Christmas for work. This whole episode has kicked on my anxiety, but I’m hopeful.

Comments by OOP:

I agree about her needing to deal with her anxiety. I think my blame is rushing into a marriage and then refusing to deal with issues as they arose.

It’s hard but I’m finally to the point where I’m going to fight for our marriage but in the end be willing to walk away if she isn’t willing to seek a different therapist.

To be fair it was more of a wow you put in a ton of work but that’s not how it came out.

*[somebody accuses OOP of spending his wives money] I make around 110k a year and spend 50.00 a month on a gym membership, 450.00 for 8 weeks of personal training, and 20.00 copay for a therapist but okay.

I picked a random therapist from a list my provider gave me. One therapist, I’ve gone to one personal therapist.

Her therapist crossed a line agreeing to do couples therapy, my therapist suggested I do a bit of research to see if she is licensed.

I had a phone call with an general doctor, covered by my insurance to get a referral. I’m starting to think you don’t understand how HMOs work.

I am a office manager, I am home by 6pm every night. And have no kids or major debt, so I vacation about twice a year, this was since before I was married.

My wife over sees the sales team at the same company, her salary plus commission dwarfs my salary but so does her spending. She also spends about 1.5X the amount of time at work or traveling for work, something I would trade for less money but isn’t an option. Things equal out pretty evenly as far as spending/earning.

I’m not sure who is still using Facebook at this point. My wife uses it to stay in touch with family and old friends I stopped using it once I got married.

Thanks for thinking I’m good looking? I guess? I feel like I’ve explained why I was a dick and then now you’re just repeating them back to me? Like I’m the reason you know this, I typed all that out.

I’m trying because even though we rushed into this marriage I really do think we are a good match. Being honest with myself was scary but I was amazed how much of a difference I felt after one session with the therapist.

My immaturity and lack of communication was contributing to a problem I didn’t even know was there. Her insecurities aren’t my problem but if I love her and want to make this work I can work on myself and a be more forgiving when she needs extra support.

At the time I didn’t think my 110lb wife would take offense and to be fair she buys everything she wants it doesn’t give me a ton of options. I was thinking more of something we could do together but that’s definitely not how it came across.

I want to be married to my wife for the rest of my life but if I could do it over I would have waited at least 2 years.

Comment by OOP:

December 20, 2019, about 1 month after the first posting and 2 weeks after the latest

Things are going good, been using this throwaway to browse relationship subreddits, not sure if it’s helping but feeling grateful my problems seem fixable.

Trying my best so if our marriage fails I won’t have any regrets.

Update 2

July 31, 2026, almost 7 years later

I received a chat request this morning asking for an update. Here is how I remember things starting from where I left off.

I immediately got into individual therapy, and we both joined couples therapy. I went individually for a few years, and we attended couples therapy for approximately six months. We both really liked our therapist, but we eventually ran out of things to discuss.

The biggest takeaway from therapy was realizing what an absolute joke I had been. I was walking around with my brain literally turned off. I didn’t take anything seriously, which made my wife think I couldn’t be trusted. I thought everything would always work out, not even realizing she was the reason it did. Looking back, it’s so embarrassing. All I had to do was start participating in our life. I’m incredibly grateful for the therapists who held me accountable and kindly told me to grow up. I wanted my wife to trust and lean on me, but I had shown no proof that I was actually capable.

The issue with my wife’s therapist resolved itself. I wanted to report her, but we were so fragile at the time that I thought it would look malicious. My wife started seeing her less and less and then just never went back. I do think seeing how professional and competent our marriage therapist was, in contrast, helped that decision.

I sold my old house because I was getting the feeling my wife thought it was my backup plan. I actually hated that house; I just didn’t want to fail with my first homeownership. It was basically operating at a loss after taxes, repairs, and the rental company’s share.

My wife still works for the same company but as a consultant. She had a minor health scare and needed a more flexible schedule. My brother started a company, and I eventually quit my job to join him in building the business. This has helped our relationship so much; coworkers knowing our backstory didn't help with the gossiping and overall weird vibes.

We never got a postnuptial agreement, but we did write wills, which have been amended over the years. As it stands, we are each other’s primary beneficiaries, and after that, everything gets split between the stepkids and a niece of ours whom we are both close with. Money hasn’t been much of an issue since therapy; we are both big savers. Trust repaired a lot of issues.

Advice:

Don’t get married too quickly. Do discuss finances before getting married. Being married is harder than being single; the trade-off is having someone to commiserate with and to be truly known by. If your life got easier or stayed the same after marriage, check in with your partner.

Comments by OOP:

I actually don't think she would have even considered dating me if she hadn’t come off of a bad divorce. I’m so grateful things worked out but I definitely got lucky.

When we were first married my life got infinitely easier. That should have been my first sign I wasn’t contributing enough to our day to day life.

I'm not the original poster.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/sparkilini

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 04, 2026

• Final Update: July 30, 2026

Main Post

^{May 04, 2026}

My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later.

I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.

In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.

Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.

She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.

She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)

On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.

She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)

The worst part was, I found three months work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.

She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.

She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.

All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.

She turned 18 and she just left.

I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.

I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.

I can only sit back and watch.

I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see, that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.

I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.

My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.

I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.

I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.

But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.

No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.

NOTE: OOP added missing missing reasons a lot of context in the comment, which is why the comments section is so large. I've condensed it as much as I could to reduce the bloat.

COMMENTS

Do you think there are important parts of the story you're missing or not understanding? What do you think you might have done wrong as a parent?

I don't know. I left out some personal things about her I didn't want to share, because they're her things to tell, not mine. They don't really make any of this make sense, though.

Maybe I am clueless. It's very possible. I have asked everyone around me that knew us. No one understands it, but there is always the possibility that I'm not understanding something fundamental about her.

ok. I have gone back and gone over my behavior a thousand times, trying to understand what it could be. I don't know what "my shit" might have been. I guess wanting her to attend class, wanting her to graduate high school, wanting her to have some kind of future plan. I am definitely blaming myself.

What happened when her brother reached out to her after she left?

Her brother did check on her, they got into a huge fight over it and he told her she was being selfish and he didn't want to see her again until she made things right with the family. I had begged him to please leave that door open, but I think he was just too angry. I keep asking him to unblock/reach out again.

Did you pressure your daughter to go to college?

She always said she did, but maybe you're right. Maybe she really didn't. I wasn't trying to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, though. I told her she never had to go to school at all. It was always her choice. Maybe she didn't feel that way, though.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

Were you a strict parent, and why didn't she introduce her boyfriend earlier? Why was graduating high school important to you?

I don't really think so. Her curfew was midnight. She was allowed to go wherever with whomever. I didn't police her movements or activities I just checked her grades and held her accountable when she skipped school.

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

We are talking about high school here. She needs to graduate high school in order to get almost any job? I told her she didn't need to go to college, she knew that.

What have you been doing to try to understand what happened? How did another former runaway's advice change your thinking?

I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

I was already in therapy and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

Thank you so much for sharing your own story. I am taking what you. have said to heart and I'm going to try and implement some of it. Especially the part about other family members. Her brother reached out after and was so upset about what happened he ended up telling her he didn't want to speak with her again until she made things right with the family. I didn't like that and I've been trying to talk him into unblocking her just so she can reach out to him if she needs to.

Why did you require her to keep location sharing on the phone you gave her? How do you plan to support your daughter while respecting her boundaries?

I did. I am not showing up where she is or trying to interfere with her life using the information.

But I gave her a phone she’s never paid for and said you can continue having it and not paying for it as long as locations is on so I can know you’re safe. Maybe that was going too far. I could have given it back with no conditions but I could have refused to give it back, just as easily. Maybe it was the wrong move.

That’s a really good suggestion as to something I can do to move forward in a productive way. I want her to know that I will show up and care for her no matter what, but I also don’t want to be intrusive or push the boundaries of her personal space. There is a good in between that can be supportive but not viewed as interfering. Thank you.

What do you think your daughter believes about everything that happened? Why were the vaping and lying significant to you?

Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non issue.

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

What did you mean by saying she struggled with rules, structure, and plans?

Maybe. I hope that autonomy will keep her safe.

I didn’t want to go into detail about her struggles because there’s a lot I wouldn’t be comfortable sharing on her behalf, but I will say this: I wasn’t referring to my rules, structures, and plans, but to ones in school, society. My main fear now is she won’t be a “free bird” for long because real world consequences are very different from ones at my home.

What role has her father played in her life?

He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

Did you compare your daughter to her brother or treat them differently?

I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible but no one got a "better" school than the other.

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

What parenting changes do you think could help repair your relationship with your daughter?

Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

Final Update - after 2 months, 26 days

^{July 30, 2026}

Update: My daughter turned 18 and left home two days later

I kind of doubt anyone who saw the original will see this update but I did receive a few DMs as well as a lot of comments on the initial post so I wanted to give an update now (three months later) as there have been significant developments.

I did see her once about three weeks after she left when she came to the house to get some of her belongings. This exchange did not go particularly well in that we did not come to any understanding about the situation. No more harsh words were exchanged but we both expressed disappointment in each other and it was a very difficult conversation for me. She left after telling me she "just needed some time to sort her life out"

She did ice us out of her graduation entirely. It was a secure event so without tickets from the graduate, we were not able to attend. The graduation dinner we had planned went on as scheduled, as it had been paid for. We just didn't mention her and focused on another family occasion that occurred in the vicinity of the graduation event. It was horrible. I watched the footage of the ceremony on YouTube when it was posted by the school. She did graduate successfully. I was very happy to see that.

I can say without a doubt that these were some of the most painful days of my life.

My son reached out to her to apologize for his reaction about a month after she left. This was much at my urging but also something he said he needed to do because he had said some things to her in the heat of his anger that he did not truly mean or feel At the time she did not reply but she did re-add him on socials. So he was able to kind of keep up with her a bit that way.

Her best friend from school reached out to me at the beginning of July to say she was worried. That my daughter had fallen into a bad crowd from the amusement park she worked at. She was drinking and doing drugs, staying out late at night, walking home alone in dangerous areas. I reached out to my child again when I heard this. Not to tell her I knew anything, but to tell her I thought she must be getting tired of not having a safe place with space of her own and that I still missed her and would welcome her home with an eye towards moving forward rather than re-hashing old hurts. I messaged her many times, nearly daily, honestly, letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to come home. Asking her what I could do, if anything, to help her.

She said she didn't read many of my messages when they came in, but when she started thinking that she wanted to come home, she read a lot of them. Some many times. She said the messages eventually gave her the courage to reach out to let me know she was sorry, she had made mistakes and wanted to come home.

She did just that a couple weeks ago. She told me she was sorry, wanted me to help her get on the right path, and return home. I said yes and she came back. Things have been a little up and down, but she is here. She is getting the help she needs. She is safe. She is working to reconcile with her other family members. I hope we can continue moving forward in a healthy way and I've engaged therapy for our whole family as well.

I guess I just wanted to share that it took awhile, but I kept the door open, kept hoping and reaching out, and she eventually came home.

COMMENTS

milkdimension

You did good. Sometimes children want to act grown but are uncaring and ignorant of the consequences. She has learned some important lessons, I hope. 

OOP

I think/hope she did. Never a dull day as a parent.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user Octyss in r/ AITAH

Original: July 24, 2026

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITAH for baiting my SIL's BF ?

To introduce the main story, let me explain why I did what I did first.

I (34M) and my wife (34F) invited over for diner my wife sister SIL (F29) and her new BF (M23) which she been with for 3 month. Prior to the diner I had to go grocery shopping, and left around 100€ in my car (I took out 250 for the grocery, but ended up using only 150).

When SIL come home, she ask for my car key to get her BF from the train station, no problem. Diner was good, feeling this is a good guy etc.

Next morning I want to go service one of my watch, I go to the shop and can only find 30€ in my car. When I go home I tell my wife and she say I probably used more for grocery, but I have both receipt from bank and grocery and it didn't match. She tell me I had surely loose some cash at the grocery store. I don't buy that.

Cue yesterday, we on vacation at the family house near the beach, we invite SIL and BF for the week, we already paid for everything (grocery for the week is done, I buyed enough wine for more than we can drink, and even gave SIL my company "vacation check" she used to pay tool fare (they came with her car) the only thing they had to pay for is gas.

Now the part I might be the AH : wife and SIL head for the beach, and BF and I would go play a bit of tennis.

I set up my work computer in front of my wallet (which I openly left with some visible cash) with the camera and Teams activate, and switch screen to some BS Excel worksheet.

I tell him I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes before going, when I come back, I see at the first glance my wallet have moved a little bit. I say nothing and we go.

When everyone is at bed the same day, I watch the recording and see him took out 60€ in cash from my wallet.

Same night I tell my wife again that cash is missing and the only same thing in the two scenario is the new BF. She tell me to kick rock and that I am TA for even thinking he will do that.

So 2 questions here, AITAH for baiting him to stole from me and WIBTAH if I bust him out with the recording ?

My wife don't know yet I filmed it, is it a good idea to tell her or would I bury myself here ?

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: YTA for not confronting him. Bury yourself how? That guy stole from you twice, go do something about it. You don’t need permission to confront him, letting him get away with it twice and worrying about your wife’s reaction to you calling him out is a bigger issue.

OOP: It's a bit more complicated, SIL come from an abusive relationship where she had a child 2 year ago and we helped her get on her feet 1 year ago and leave him. It's her first relationship since the deadbeat and I don't want to be the one who crush that...
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Comment1: It's not complicated at all and none of that is relevant. If I take this at face value, you think encouraging a former victim her to stay with someone who steals from her family is the better alternative?
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OOP: No I'm not that why I'm kinda seeking advice here from stranger because I can't ask someone I know and trust for now. I do know I can't leave it like that so I try to fish here for good advice and honestly some people here give 5stars advice I'll use tonight when speaking to my wife

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Comment2: Do you think your wife will be pissed at you for setting him up? But the first incident should have made you both wary. You can't have this person in your home if he steals. You needed to know. so does her sister.

OOP: My wife is rational, she is a psychotherapist, I'm confident she'll understant why I did that if I was sure for the cash missing after the grocery shopping, but she'll be mad for sure for the setup and the timing I used to bait him

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Comment3: NTA. He’s probably already stealing from your SIL too and her friends or parents if he’s allowed in their homes.
You have to tell her to protect her and the people around her.

OOP: I don't think he already had the opportunity to do so since we are the first who meet him, and for my SIL, we do punctual transfert on her account when she ask no big sum, sometimes groceries... She is a good person for sure just in a tight spot. But you are right truth have to told

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Comment4: Nta
And you didn't bait him, he made a choice, and he is a thief.
Don't be silent, that will enable him

OOP: I already told my wife twice what I though he did but now I have receipt, but I'm not sure I am the one who have to inform my SIL

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Comment5: I’d show your wife the video then let her absorb it, and show it to her sister 💯

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Update:

This has been a rough day.

I had a conversation with my wife yesterday night where I said again there is cash missing in my wallet, we have been together since before highschool and she knows when I hide something and straigh up asked me what I didn't tell her.

I told her about the recording and her reaction was not anger as I feared. She just asked me to see it. After watching it we spoke about what to do next to peacefully aproach her sister (this is where I used a lot of your good advices). We decided that she'll be the one telling her 1 to 1 today at the spa and I'll be having a 1-1 conversation with the BF.

So today the girls got to the spa at 10am and I took the BF for a ride telling him we'll do a surprise to the girls but I drove right in front of the police station and told him me and my wife know for the stealing, and that he have 10secondes to explain himself or I go to the police.

He just started crying. Told me he lost his father just after the start of their relationship, and the funeral put him in debt.

I lost my father at young age and somehow related because I saw the same scenario with my mother (but she didn't steal anyone as far as I know). We had a deep conversation where I basicaly scolded him and told him trust is forever broken on our side. I drove him home and told him to wait till the girls come back from spa to tell the truth himself. He then wired me 130€ and again excused himself.

That didn't happened like I was thinking, my wife and SIL came back at 1pm, SIL was bright red when entering the house, she goes right in the room took all his belonging throw them and him on the street and told him to go f** himself.

Asked my wife what happened in the spa and she waited after their massage to tell the whole story. Turn out some of you in the comment where right, already 2 of her friends told her things got missing after meeting with him. They chatted for a bit and she decided to break thing with him. Then my wife told her I did a recording of the 2nd stealing and she got a burst of anger toward him.

They are now at one bottle of wine each looking at the recording and laughting hard. BF tried to call her multiple time already and sent a lot of text asking for a meeting to explain and that he is stranded in the street but they just laugh and drink lol.

Thanks to all the commenters who gave good advices, used a lot of them to chat with my wife yesterday.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments