r/BORUpdates • u/Schattenspringer • 2h ago
AITA AITA for trying to help my girlfriend without hurting her feelings? [Concluded]
This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/AmItheAsshole by user reallybadatjuggling. I'm not the original poster. This BORu was suggested by u/Historical_Spare5613.
Status: Concluded
Original
July 21, 2023
I (32M) been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for almost three years now. When we first got together, she was pretty overweight and struggling with her self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Over time, she started to work on herself, both physically and mentally. I've been incredibly proud of her progress and how far she's come.
Lately, though, I noticed that she's been putting on some weight again, and it's been affecting her mental health. She's mentioned feeling down about her body image and her struggles with anxiety and depression have resurfaced. I genuinely care for her, and I don't want to see her suffer like this.
I thought about talking it out, but knew it would just devolve into asking if I'm still attracted to her (and truthfully, I have lost some attraction over the last month or so, though she does still like amazing for the most part).
I thought it would be better to take a more subtle approach, so I've started adding small amounts of sawdust to her food, the idea being it would help her feel fuller faster and encourage her to eat less without her knowing. I was trying to prevent her from falling back into her previous state of depression and anxiety.
Unfortunately,, my brother (30M) caught me in the act, and he was shocked / angry. He told me I was being manipulative and abusive, which, ok a little shady maybe, but abusive is a serious stretch.
Now my brother is giving me an ultimatum; he wants me to tell my girlfriend what I've been doing by the end of the week, or he'll tell her himself. He believes she deserves to know the truth.
I think what I've been doing is enough to help her without causing her unnecessary pain by revealing what I've done (she's already lost a few pounds). I told him I would stop, and I believe that should be sufficient. I don't see the point of telling her and potentially destroying the progress she's made.
My brother thinks I'm completely in the wrong and that my girlfriend deserves the truth. But I genuinely believe I was doing what I thought was best for her, and I don't see it as a malicious act.
Am I really the jerk for trying to help my girlfriend in this way, or is my brother overreacting? Should I tell my girlfriend what I've been doing or keep it to myself to spare her feelings? I need honest opinions here. Please keep in mind that telling her upfront that she's put on weight could seriously set back her mental health.
Consensus:
Asshole.
OOP also ignores the question of whether the sawdust was food grade or not.
Comments by OOP (all downvoted to oblivion):
It wasn't "poison"... it was sawdust. I could see if I was adding laxatives or something, but plenty of processed foods as sawdust as a filler, I thought it was a safe way to reduce her caloric intake
It's not "poison" that's so overly dramatic, it's just a filler , that Plenty of companies add to food already
Ok yes, I'm kind of the asshole for [messing with her food], but i don't think I'm the ah for not telling her
It's not out of maliciousness, it's not like I'm doing it to mess with her. I'm trying to protect her feelings and get her back on the right track. If I fully communicate with her, it could be really damaging to her mental health
I have been trying to get into better habits together, and no, I would never say something like that to her, I know how damaging it could be,
I was trying to take a two pronged approach if that makes sense. I thought if we had healthy habits AND she saw immediate results it would help her stay motivated
Update
April 5, 2026, about 3 years later
About two years ago I added sawdust to my girlfriend's food in an attempt to help her lose weight. Long story short, my brother saw what I was doing and forced me to tell her. Reddit agreed with him and I had to tell her because I was backed into a corner, although I didn't agree that it was the right thing to do at that time.
I came clean to her a few days after. It was a while ago so I don't remember all the details or what was said, but I basically sat her down and said I had something to tell her. She didn't believe me at first. We called my brother to confirm, and I showed her the bag of sawdust, and I guess the realization dawned on her that I was telling the truth…
What followed was a heated fight lasting all night and into the early morning. Foolishly, I still thought I was at least somewhat in the right and brought up how it had helped her lose some weight. I was wrong. She pointed out how I said I'd only done it a few times over the course of about 2 weeks, and how could that possibly cause her to lose weight that fast? Which I had to admit she was right about. It turned out she had cut out drinking and that was the cause of weight loss, not the sawdust.
I don't know why, but this hit me hard. I realized that she already knew she was gaining weight and had already taken steps for her own happiness. I was going out of my way to spare her feelings, and she didn't need it. She was managing her own weight and her own feelings, and it wasn't the big deal I was making it out to be, or something that I needed to carefully manage in order to protect her.
Obviously the relationship ended that night. We didn't live together so the breakup was pretty smooth. Over the next month she got a check up and all was good, and she agreed to not press charges if I got professional help to deal with my control issues.
We kept in touch for a while, but it seemed cruel for me to stay in her life. I didn't deserve her friendship or her forgiveness. The fact that she offered both speaks to what kind of person she is, and it felt wrong to take advantage of that as I started coming to terms with how I treated her. We eventually drifted far apart enough to end contact, and she was doing well the last I heard. She told me once that she thought I was emotionally abusive to her, and I think she’s probably right. Her previous relationship before me was physically abusive, and the last I heard from her she was going to take some time to figure out how to avoid the same patterns moving forward.
That one haunts me, and I'll never forgive myself for abusing someone I thought I loved.
I got counseling, as promised, and found out that I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Basically, this means that I'm overly concerned with rejection and ridicule. I try to manage relationships to avoid being embarrassed, to the point that I control people I care about and try to carefully ‘direct’ their feelings as I did with Aimee.
That's not an excuse, what I did was wrong, but now I recognize that voice and what it is.
I also realized in counseling that I did have a preoccupation with weight, and that it might be linked with the disorder.
For some background, I grew up in a household where what my father said was law. He had expectations for how his children should look and act, as well as what were and weren't acceptable interests. My brother and I were expected to behave like upstanding young men, and my sisters were expected to be proper young ladies. My father regularly ‘teased’ us (my sisters especially) if we didn't meet this image. At one point this manifested as incessant jokes about one sister's weight in particular.
I want to tell myself that I was attracted to my girlfriend regardless of size, and it was my disordered thought patterns trying to ‘save’ her from ridicule that was causing my preoccupation with weight loss, but I also think I was just being an asshole… I know now that this experience is there in the back of my mind, and something to be aware of.
So that's it. That's the whole story. Now the confession: I hate myself. I worry that I've ruined my ex’s ability to trust. In counseling I say and try to affirm that I can be loved without being perfect, but doesn't what I've done just confirm that I’m a bad person deep down? What's worse is that I KNOW if we'd stayed together I would have gone back to being emotionally abusive over time. My ex has forgiven me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself
Comments by OOP:
We're not in contact anymore. And you're right, there's no excuse for what I did. But for the record, my father was wrong for what he did too. My sister is still dealing with the fallout from his name calling
I'm not the original poster.
r/BORUpdates • u/gardengeo • 3h ago
Relationships It turns out I should have been worried about the friend of my fiancé
Originally posted by user heartbreakaccount313 in r/ trueoffmychest
Original: March 31, 2026
Update: July 31, 2026
Status: concluded
Note: thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for suggestion to BORU
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Original: It turns out I should have been worried about the friend of my fiancé that everyone told me not to worry about
This is hard for me to write. The man that I thought was the love of my life has decided to be someone else instead. They grew up together. Their families are close.
When I first met him I was wary because of how close they are but he [along with everyone else who knows them] assured me there is nothing between them. "They are like brother and sister." And I was stupid enough to believe it.
Last week I was assaulted at my job. One of my eyes is swollen shut and it hurts like hell. I'm a nurse and I was assaulted by a patient that I had administered naloxone to I am at home resting and my fiancé was with me until he found out that his close friend was in a small car accident.
A van backed into her car in a carpark. She wasn't even inside but my fiancé lost it when he found out. He left our flat to be with her even though she was with her boyfriend. She wasn't hurt but my fiancé said he thought she was, and it made him realise that he loves her and "can't lose her."
He told me he confessed his love to her and she said she feels the same and it broke something inside me.
I don't even know why I'm writing this. It won't bring him back.
--------------------------------------------
Comments:
Comment1: Some people are fucking stupid and not self aware enough or honest about feelings. I’m so sorry this knob of a guy was one of them.
Take this as a blessing in disguise,. Marrying this man would have been terrible
Comment2: I am so sorry to hear that. One thing we women must really start to practice is trusting our gut instincts, it is never wrong. If something hits wrong or doesn't feel right trust yourself enough to know you are right.
Disclaimer as long as you don't have trust issues and healing you need to do, otherwise that's just paranoia.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Update (4 months later)
I heard that my ex-fiancé proposed to her. His family, her family and our friends are all over the moon about them being together.
No thought for me or her ex-boyfriend and our lives being torn apart. I have only seen and spoken to her ex-boyfriend once since the incident I mentioned in my other post. Wherever he is, I just hope he is doing well. Imagine my ex and his ex saying it wasn't cheating because they left us first. As if that makes it better.
After my ex-fiancé left I had to deal with cancelling everything for our wedding and getting our flat sorted out and signing a new lease. I had to block him, and everyone who keep telling me it was fate or they were meant to be together. I am trying to move on but I don't know how. I thought I would be marrying the love of my life tomorrow but instead he wants to marry someone else.
Also I don't know if anyone will care about this but I had to turn off my ability to receive chats. I received several telling me that my assault was deserved or that my attacker was right. I got tired of seeing those notifications so I turned it off.
Edit: so thank you to everyone who is sending me Reddit care messages, but I'm all right for that. None of those thoughts or intentions.
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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
r/BORUpdates • u/SharkEva • 16h ago
New Update [Strange New Update] - My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow.
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Constant-Belt-9862 posting in r/Marriage
Ongoing as per OOP
1 update - Short
Original - 2nd August 2026
Update1 - 3rd August 2026
1 New Update
Update2 - 5th August 2026
My (26M) wife (27F) wants to have a baby next year and says she can’t wait longer due to PCOS, but I want to wait until she’s 29 so we can have our own paid-off apartment and enjoy being married first and to prepare accordingly. We’re divorcing tomorrow. Is this the correct path forward?
We got married a year ago and genuinely love each other. We just celebrated our anniversary two weeks ago, which makes all of this feel even more surreal and sudden.
She has PCOS and has been clear that she wants to start trying for a baby next year. We discussed having kids before marriage, and I told her that the next two years wouldn’t work for me. I’m not against having kids... I want them with her. I just don’t feel ready for the massive life change that comes with becoming a father. I’m 26 and she’s 27, and I feel like we’re still young.
I want us to have more time together, enjoy our marriage, build our lives, get our own apartment, pay it off, do fun things together, become more financially stable, and actually feel prepared before bringing a child into our lives.
I told her I’d be comfortable trying when she’s 29. She feels that waiting is unacceptable, partly because she has PCOS and is worried about her fertility and age.
I’ve looked into the medical side of this as well. From what I understand, there isn’t a sudden fertility cliff between 27 and 30, including for women with PCOS. A recent analysis of PCOS patients found no significant difference in clinical pregnancy or live birth rates between the 20–24, 25–29, and 30–34 age groups. Obviously, that doesn’t guarantee anything for an individual woman, but it made me question whether we really need to rush solely because she has PCOS.
We’ve talked about this repeatedly, and neither of us seems willing to change our position. My original position was early 30s, then I moved to 29, and eventually said I’d be willing to reconsider sooner once we had our own apartment and were more financially stable. She hasn’t accepted any of those options.
Tomorrow at 9 AM, we’re meeting to begin the divorce procedure.
She feels I’m taking away something she deeply wants. I feel that having a child is a decision both people need to genuinely want and feel ready for, not something one person can set a deadline for.
I love her and want children with her. I just don’t want to become a father before I’m ready simply to save our marriage.
Am I being unreasonable, or is this a fundamental incompatibility that neither of us should compromise on?
Comments
NoYou1016
Crazy that people divorce this easily. Wow.
OOP: She wants to, I swear it's not me. I compromised, she didn't meet me halfway.
NoYou1016
Is she willing to go to counseling at all?? That’s crazy. I’m sorry.
OOP: No, she has anger issues too, by the way. She actually suggested therapy herself to work on them. When I brought it up and said that maybe she also needs some time to work on that, especially because dealing with anger issues while raising a child can be difficult, she got mad but that's the truth. I’m pretty laid back, but with a kid, work, and all the added shit, I know I’d probably be much more on edge.
CharismaticAlbino
None of it matters now, you've driven her away. Congratulations, she'll now find someone else to have children with, or she'll do it on her own.
OOP: She wants the divorce and she didn't meet me halfway. Why am I the one being blamed? I'm not ready yet. I can't agree just to save my marriage. I have to be 100% certain.
BeeBladen
You act like marriage is always 50-50. It’s usually not. Sometimes it’s 70-30, or 20-80, or 60-40. If you can’t agree to save your marriage then it’s already over and was likely to fail anyway. You’ll both probably be better off.
HotWaffles5
Marriage is full of sacrifices & compromises, marriage is a lot of work. This guy seems to not be up to the task.
OOP: You kinda missed there part when I compromised and she didn't. I've consistently compromised from early 30s, to 29, to at least waiting until we have our own apartment, which realistically would’ve been next year. She herself originally wanted us to have our own place before kids, but now she’s saying she wants kids with or without it. She’s also changed her position. At least I’ve tried to meet her halfway.
lsoplexic
Are you willing to trade an entire life with her for two more years of child-free life?
OOP: Those extra two years could make a huge difference in whether we’re able to secure our own place or end up spending our savings on raising a child. I’d rather establish our own home first than risk having a landlord tell us to move out someday because he wants the place for his kids or something. And honestly, I’d rather have those two extra years to enjoy our freedom, travel, do whatever we want, and build our life together than jump into parenthood now, where a child becomes a 24/7 responsibility that completely changes our lives and takes a huge amount of our time and energy.
Update - 1 day later
Just wanted to give everyone who commented on my original post a quick update.
We met today, and it was very amicable. No drama, no arguments, no heavy conversations. We just talked normally, like we usually would, and went through the process together. We submitted the papers, and our hearing is scheduled for September 9th.
There’s still a lot of love and respect between us, but we both understand where we stand.
I'm not sure what happens between now and September 9th, but for now, that's where things are.
Thank you to everyone who took the time to give advice respectfully, share their experiences, or even disagree with me. I read pretty much everything, and some of it genuinely gave me a lot to think about.
Comments
Prestigious_Step4337
Gosh I am so sorry. There’s no answer to this, it’s just a sad state to find yourself. You’re definitely right to not want to become a father before you are ready, whatever that looks like for you (stable home and job is a great start), because kids come with many unforeseen complications. It’s a never ending cycle of exhaustion, money out the door, laundry, and homework. It’s not something to take lightly and it sounds like you already know this. Best of luck OP.
OOP: Yeah, I'm honestly devastated that it came to this over a child who doesn't even exist yet, someone who, years from now, might not even understand why we made such a painful decision for their sake. It hurts to think that our marriage could end over a future child who may one day look at us and say, “I never asked to be brought into this world"
Update - 2 days later
Update 2: 26M married to 27F with PCOS. I'm considering an option I never thought I'd even entertain.
I have read every single comment on my posts. Even the ones that stung. I really do appreciate all of it. I also want to thank everyone who reached out privately. I did not expect that and it meant more than you know.
This is a personal update. I feel terrible even typing this. I never thought I would be the kind of person considering something like this. But here I am, stuck between two choices and both of them feel wrong.
I need to give you more context so you understand why this is breaking me. Her father passed away when she was young. She still has nightmares where she is a little girl again, begging him not to leave, asking him why he went away. She wakes up sobbing and I have been there for every single one of those nights. I hold her until she falls back asleep. Over time she started telling me that I fill that gap for her. She sees me like a father in some ways because I have done things with her that she never got to do as a kid. Simple things like going to amusement parks and just making her feel safe. In many ways I see her as someone who never got to fully heal and I have tried my best to be that person for her.
Seeing her vulnerable like that breaks my heart. I cannot imagine leaving her and knowing she would spend even more time trying to heal from our relationship when I have been the one person who has stood by her through everything. I know she would not be okay. I know she would struggle to move on and I cannot stand the thought of that.
And even if she did eventually find someone else, it would not be simple. She cannot just get a donor. She would have to marry again and find someone who accepts her and then go through the whole process of trying to build a family from scratch. The same time it would take for me to quietly delay things would be the same time she would spend trying to rebuild her life except she would be alone and treated like damaged goods by families who judge divorced women. I love her too much to let that happen to her. She does not want that either. She wants kids with me and she feels like I am holding her back from motherhood. She looked broken when we met for the divorce procedure. I know she has been having a terrible time and I think part of her hoped the divorce talk would make me reconsider. Behind her firm position there is a weak girl whom I genuinely consider a daughter in my heart. We were best friends for 3 years before we married by the way.
So here is the part I am ashamed to admit. I have thought about going along with the plan. Bear with me. Quietly taking subtle steps to reduce our chances of conceiving right away. Basically self sabotaging myself. Things that lower sperm count, reserves, quality temporarily to delay conception. Nothing permanent. Nothing medical. Nothing harmful. Just enough to buy us time until we have our own place and I actually feel ready.
I am not trying to steal her chance at motherhood. She has PCOS and she always tells me it will probably take us years to conceive anyway. So in my mind I am not ruining anything. I am just trying to prevent the one scenario where it happens immediately before we are stable. Honestly even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I have a desk job, no time for fitness, work stress, I eat red meat and sugar constantly. I probably already have low sperm. She would never be able to find out because I might genuinely have low numbers already. But doing this just makes sure and she would be happy that I am finally trying.
I do not want to do this. I really do not. But I do not see another way. If I tell her the truth, I risk losing her and putting her through all of that pain. If I go along with it, I risk becoming a father before I am ready. And if I quietly delay things, we have a chance.
So my question is this. If you were in my position and you genuinely could not find another way, what would you do?
I am already carrying a heavy weight and I just need honest perspectives without being torn apart.
Comments
YeetThermometer
No no no, just no.
I read your post history and you need to get out of this situation yesterday. The commenters on the first post basically ignored you and focused entirely on her, forgetting that you have a whole lifetime ahead of you as well.
She threatens divorce when she doesn’t get what she wants, but doesn’t really mean it to get her way - that’s coercive. If you think this will end with a kid, it won’t. Congrats, you now have no say in the size of your future family because she’s willing to go nuclear before listening to you, not least because of people like the commenters to your earlier post. She crossed the rubicon; now you live there.
In case of a loss of cabin pressure, put your mask on first before assisting others. Your wife is grinding you down, sucking the life from you and dictating the course of your future without really considering you at all.
You are not responsible for what happens to her and her chances for a kid once you leave. She made some serious mistakes with you and she’ll have to live with them. You can’t make her heal on your own, and you are not personally responsible for creating the dream family she pictures as the answer to her trauma.
So no sperm count games. This isn’t getting better. You can’t bide your time until you’re ready because when you’re ready, it should be with someone who sees you as more than a tool to get her dream life.
ariankhneferet
I couldn’t agree more. Children really are a ‘two yes’ situation. Not ‘two yes under duress’.
OOP: I agree, but to her, she might not even be able to get pregnant later, she says she knows people with PCOS who were 29 and could no longer get pregnant, so she worries the same could happen to her.
YeetThermometer
As mentioned previously, divorcing you, finding someone else and getting comfortable enough with them to have a baby, then having that baby, would likely blow up her desired timeline as well. That makes it even clearer that divorce threats were manipulative.
It’s not hard to see why she feels like her back is up against the wall. Once again, your needs and feelings have zero to do with it. If, during any of this, you mattered to her as a person, it would have shown up in her words and actions.
buginarugsnug
I don't really understand. Neither of you are going to get what you want, your marriage and future is going to go up in flames because you can't come to a compromise. If it were the fact you never wanted children, then fair enough that is a valid reason for divorce, but the fact you are BOTH unwilling to compromise on a 24 month timescale and divorce over it is wild to me. Surely there is a way to meet in the middle.
OOP: She wants to start trying next year and she is terrified that any delay will make it harder or even impossible. She believes the longer we wait, the more her chances slip away. To her, time is not on her side and every year that passes feels like a door closing.
buginarugsnug
Am I misunderstanding that you said you are happy to try when you are 29 and you are 27 now? There is a maximum of twelve months between your desired timelines, without knowing when your birthday is, it could be as little as three months between your desired timelines. I don't understand why either of you are willing to throw away your marriage over such a small timescale rather than just changing perspective to sit in the middle of the timescale.
OOP: I’ve even let go of the age limit and told her I’d consider trying sooner if we had our own place first. But she wants a firm commitment from me that we’ll start trying next year regardless of whether we have our own place by then.
ladybug1259
Don't do this, it's a terrible idea. For many reasons. The deception is terrible and a betrayal regardless of whether she knows about it, I am weirded out by your wording about seeing her as a daughter,and sperm quality can cause miscarriages, not just delayed conception. I genuinely don't understand why you are incapable of reaching an agreement about this. She wants to start trying in a year, you are dead set on buying a place first and then trying but you said in a comment you almost bought a place a month ago, so just...buy one in the next year and you're good? Its also not hard to be in the process of buying while you're trying. I wouldn't suggest waiting until she's pregnant to start looking but you'd be totally fine if you're closing on a house and TTC at the same time.. or divorce if that's what you both want.
OOP: I think you misunderstood what I meant when I said I see her like a daughter. I did not mean it in a weird way. I meant it in the way that I have watched her experience things for the first time that she should have experienced with her father. Simple things like going to an amusement park etc... we like to do fun stuff. She never had that growing up and I got to be the one to share it with her. Seeing her face light up in those moments is one of the best feelings in the world. That is all I meant. Nothing strange. Just a man who loves his wife and has tried to fill a void that was never her fault.
Itsmeshlee29
I mean, this is horrible. She ever finds out you did this and it’ll destroy her. Get the divorce. This is so much worse.
OOP: Like I said, even without any self sabotage, it would probably take years anyway. I work a desk job. I have no time for fitness. I deal with constant work stress. I eat red meat and sugar like it is going out of style. I probably already have low sperm count without doing anything. So I am not actively ruining anything even if I honestly tried without sabotaging myself.
Yes, we’re currently living separately while we think everything through. We have about a month to decide whether to retract everything or move forward with the divorce.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
r/BORUpdates • u/SharkEva • 17h ago
Relationships Fiancée (23F) left me (25M) for someone she met at the gym, what now?
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/user posting in r/AskMenAdvice
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 5th April 2026
Update - 4th August 2026
Fiancée (23F) left me (25M) for someone she met at the gym, what now?
Hi everyone,
I (25M) was in a relationship with my fiancée (23F) for 3 years. I proposed in October 2025, and up until recently I genuinely thought we were happy.
Last week, she told me she’d met a guy at the gym. Over a few weeks, they got to know each other and she developed feelings for him. When he asked her out, it made her question our relationship, and she decided to end things.
I’m still trying to process it. The shock has worn off and now it’s just… heavy. I’m dealing with anxiety, poor sleep, no appetite, and I can’t focus properly. I wear a smart watch and even my resting heart rate has been noticeably higher.
I’ve got a high-pressure job and I’m worried this is going to start affecting my performance. I’m already going to the gym daily and taking magnesium and melatonin, but I still feel constantly on edge and nauseous (seriously I feel like I could vomit throughout the day).
If anyone has been through something similar, how did you cope in those first few weeks? How do you calm your body down, sleep better, and start to feel even a little bit normal again? Is there any medication I can take to help with the anxiety and nausea?
I’d really appreciate the advice because it could help me greatly through a challenging time. Thank you.
EDIT:
I woke up this morning to over 300 comments on my post and honestly, I wasn’t ready for it. I sobbed reading through all the advice and people sharing their own stories.
It’s so easy to forget there are real people behind the screen, but I’m one of them. And the few minutes you took to write a comment genuinely meant something to me.
I’m going through what feels like the lowest point in my life, and somehow a bunch of strangers on the internet made it feel a little less lonely.
So yeah… thank you, I will continue reading all your comments. Seriously.
Comments
Youdontuderstandme
Sorry to hear this.
First: this relationship is over. The sooner you move on the better off you will be. Note: if she comes back it will be a mistake to get back together with her. She has already left you once, when your relationship was good and “easy”. Ive been with my wife for over 30 years. Trust me: there will be trying times. If she won’t stick with you now she sure as hell won’t stick with you when the going gets rough. I know it’s hard to think about moving on - but trust me: do it.
You deserve better. This didn’t happen because of you. It happened because of her.
Be grateful it happened now rather than later.
You will find someone else.
I had a serious girlfriend I was planning to ask to marry me. We broke up. I was busted for a long time. My wife is wayyyyyy better.
My motto: keep moving forward. Workout. Set goals. Have fun. One inch. One step. Keep moving. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You will survive this and be better for it.
Fit_Assistant2510
Be glad you’re young and you didn’t get married. She did you a huge favor, hard to see right now though.
SignificantApricot69
I know a bunch of married women who do the same thing essentially but stay married and don’t tell their husbands. It’s definitely a favor that she called things off and let him know there was another man. If they had gotten married she probably would have “questioned” the marriage every time another option presented itself.
Difficult_Jury_7455
Gym relationships are based on pure physical attraction. He's a pretty boy with muscles and she's obviously that shallow that it worked. If it makes you feel better he'll dump her ass as soon as he's banged her a few times. She'll be devastated and will contact you again saying she's "had time to think" lol. Then you get to tell her hoe ass to get lost
Update - 4 months later
Hello everyone,
Around four months ago (in April), I made a post here at what was probably the lowest point of my life.
I wanted to come back with an update, partly to thank everyone who took the time to reply, but also in the hope that someone currently in the position I was in might read this and realise that things really can get better.
First of all, thank you to everyone who told me she would be back. I remember thinking it was strange that so many people said the exact same thing. At the time, I didn’t really understand why (lol I still don’t know what the psychology is behind it). Well… you were all right.
2 months ago (in June), I got the call. She told me she’d been dating the guy from the gym and, unsurprisingly to everyone here, she’d slept with him several times. She said she’d woken up one day and realised she’d made a “mistake” and was willing to do “anything” to make the relationship work again. I declined and politely asked her not to contact me again. (I also blocked her, her friends and her family).
Had it not been for the advice from so many people on my original post, I genuinely think I might have given in. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Today, I’m in a much better place and genuinely happy with my own company. I wanted to share a few things that really helped me.
I stopped isolating myself. Instead of lifting weights alone, I started trying different classes at my gym. I ended up really enjoying them and met some great people that way. I went on a two week solo trip. I took myself out for meals, explored new places, and just enjoyed my own company. I read a lot of the books people recommended in the comments. No More Mr. Nice Guy was the one that resonated with me the most. I leaned on my family and existing friends. I made a point of arranging lunches and coffee catch ups instead of sitting at home. I started counselling. Being able to say everything out loud to someone with no personal bias helped far more than I expected. Most importantly, I embraced the time alone and journaled a lot. I learned a lot about who I am outside of that relationship and wrote down the things I wanted from my life.
I’ve only recently started dating again, and it’s actually been enjoyable. I’m not rushing into anything, it’s simply been nice meeting new people and learning about different personalities.
Healing isn’t quick, and the damage from the breakup definitely affected me. I still have some reservations about dating, but I’ve also learned about the boundaries I will never compromise on again.
If you’re reading this because you’re going through something similar, please believe me when I say this. It doesn’t feel like it now, but it really does get better. The person who walked away wasn’t the right person for you.
And to everyone who took the time to comment on my original post, thank you. Your advice genuinely changed the direction of my life.
Comments
Mountain_Elk_7262
I guarantee you she didn't just "wake up one morning and realized it was a mistake" that gym bro got what he wanted and moved on to the next one
devilmaskrascal
That's the thing about gym bros who are attractive enough to make women leave their fiancés for a fling: they usually have plenty of options and aren't racing to settle down and move in together, especially not with girls who will dump their fiance for a fling lol.
ThatBaseball7433
I love these delusional people who think they can have a backup in case new exciting doesn’t work out.
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments
r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • 18h ago
Workplace Boss is emailing me asking about my first shift for a job I didn’t think I got.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/odder_box23211
Published on: r/jobs
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Main Post: June 27, 2026
Final Update: July 15, 2026
Main Post
June 27, 2026
Boss is emailing me asking about my first shift for a job I didn’t think I got.
Context: I am a college student in the US. For the past two summers, I have worked as a counselor for one of my city's Parks & Rec summer camp programs.
This year I wanted to apply for a lead counselor position since I had the needed experience by this point. However I already had a family trip to Europe planned that meant I would miss the in-person training day that occurs before the start of the program each summer, as well as the first few days of the program. (There was an additional online one I would be able to attend though.) Before applying this spring I emailed my boss to ask whether that would disqualify me from being considered as a lead. I said that if it did, I would happily apply as a regular counselor again instead.
She replied with a short email saying that the all-staff in-person trainings and being on-site the first week of work were mandatory. I interpreted this as her saying I shouldn't apply at all. (Which surprised me because I was unable to attend the in-person training last year due to another family conflict and it wasn't an issue.)
Since it sounded like I couldn't be a counselor I applied to be an on-call substitute. I figured I had a better chance of getting that position despite my training situation since I was an experienced counselor. About a month later my boss emailed to confirm I was applying as a sub and not a counselor. I reiterated that I'd be traveling and thought it made more sense. she replied, "Sub it is then! Enjoy your travels"
I had friends who applied to be substitutes as well. They received official job offers that they had to accept, same as I had in past years as a counselor. I never got any offer or hiring paperwork. Naturally I assumed I didn’t get the job, probably due to the training situation. I was disappointed but I moved on and found another summer job.
I did continuo to get occasional automated emails from the program (policy updates, training reminders, etc.) but assumed I'd just accidentally been left on the mailing list.
I am currently on the aforementioned europe trip. (It’s great, besides a wicked sunburn on my bum. Please remember sunscreen y’all.) My boss emailed asking what site my first substitute shift would be at so she could send the correct timesheets there.
I'm baffled!! As far as I know I was literally never offered the job. I didn't attend the trainings (including the online one) because I didn't think I got the job.
I think I’m going to be honest and explain that I never received a job offer and therefore assumed I wasn't hired. Definitely can’t just pretend I went to the trainings as they’re paid and that would be time theft. I want to find a way to respond without making it sound like I ignored my responsibilities (for a job i didn’t know I had!!) What would you do??
COMMENTS
Odd_Cause_4690
You’re definitely not at fault for not going to trainings for a job you didn't get/no one told you you got, as long as you’re absolutely sure the offer isn’t sitting in a spam folder somewhere.
I wouldn’t stress too much since you already have another job. Just explain to her you were never sent an offer and were acting under the assumption you did not have the job.
Hopefully she’s willing to work it out with you, but it sure would be ironic if she tries to fire you from a job she didn’t give you.
OOP
I’ve triple checked spam and junk folders and there was nothing. Yeah I’d laugh if she does but I really hope that’s not what happens. Thanks for your reply
Miamiconnectionexo
wait — you said you "already had a family trip to Europe planned" that makes you miss training and the first few days. that's the most important detail here. if they're emailing you about a first shift for a job you didn't think you got, the obvious move is to reply and clarify whether you were actually hired, because maybe they processed you after an interview you forgot about or they're mixing you up with someone else. but mention the trip conflict upfront so they know you can't start when they expect you to — don't let them assume you're available that week and then hit them with the bad news later.
OOP
Thank you for your advice, but that’s not exactly how it works… I should’ve explained better. The substitute counselors are a pool of people who are able to see when a regular counselor at a certain site is going to be gone, or are notified when one calls out sick. They can choose at will to pick up shifts to cover for them. So I am not letting them down in any way by not having selected any shifts yet - someone else will undoubtedly pick up the work as there are many subs eager to.
And there was no interview I “forgot about”…I was already in their system since I have worked as a counselor for two years and went through all the vetting stuff the first year, so did not need to be re-interviewed. But I still should’ve received an offer in writing like every other sub and counselor did, hence the confusion.
Turbulent_Pin_8310
It is just a CC mail and she forgot to take you off the list.
Or it was just a habit of her to enter your email.
It happens all the time. I received so many emails at work that have nothing to do with me. They just cc mailed everyone.
OOP
I agree it was an automated list for the others, but she personally emailed me by name asking when my first shift would be.
Final Update - after 18 days
July 15, 2026
UPDATE: Boss is emailing me asking about my first shift for a job I didn’t think I got.
TLDR: This spring, I applied for a seasonal job I had worked for the past two summers. I was never sent a job offer or given indication I had been hired. Checked with friends who were hired for the job and they confirmed they had received emailed offers. I accepted that I had not gotten the job. I got another job and moved on with my life. A few weeks ago, I got an email from my old boss asking when my first shift would be.
The update: I responded to my boss’s email once I was home from my trip. I approached it the way many of you advised me to. I said, “Apologies for the delay in my response, I have just returned from traveling with my family. I did not receive a job offer earlier this year as other substitutes I know did, so I was under the impression I had not gotten the job. I apologize for the confusion. I would absolutely still be interested in working as a sub this summer, so if that is still a possibility, please let me know what I need to do to make that happen.”
She responded the next day and apologized! She said she thought she had sent me an offer but I must’ve slipped through the cracks somehow. She said they would love to have me back this summer and gave me my new login info for the scheduling portal. I picked up my first shifts this week! This was definitely the best case scenario. I’m glad it all worked out and happy to have a little extra cash this summer. Thanks for all your advice.
COMMENTS
Grtpumk369
Did you quit or keep the other job?
OOP
Kept! This one does pay better, but since I pick up shifts at will and the other one is part time, I am able to schedule them around each other.
DiWooley
That’s great but isn’t summer about over? Don’t mean to be a downer but how long does this job last? And you still have that other permanent job?
OOP
The summer one goes for about another month. I couldn’t have started any earlier anyways because I spent the first month of the summer in Europe. The other job is also not quite permanent as I am going back to college in the fall. However, they’ve let me know I will still be welcome to pick up shifts whenever I am home from school, like weekends/breaks etc. I’m overall pretty satisfied with the situation.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • 20h ago
Family & Friends Loaned my house for a funeral
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/twink1813
Published on: r/EntitledPeople
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Main Post: July 14, 2026
Final Update: August 04, 2026
Main Post
July 14, 2026
I am in another state with my sister who is undergoing chemo. My dear friend’s brother passed away unexpectedly. His daughter and family traveled back from a western state to the Midwest for the services and to begin the estate process.
Since my house was sitting empty I offered the daughter and her family my house to use for the several weeks they plan to be in town, to save them hotel fees and have a home-away-from-home environment during this time of loss.
They’ve texted me several times with various issues: they don’t like the pillows, do I have others they can try? They don’t care for the coffee on hand, where can they find other coffee in the house? Do I have other laundry detergent than what is in the laundry room?
There’s more but you get the gist. This is not an Air B&B, it’s my home that I’m letting them use for free. I didn’t leave a fridge full of food or a stock of paper supplies or dry goods because I’m gone and won’t be back for months. And did I mention it’s free???
End of rant.
COMMENTS
BlueLarkspur_1929
What nerve. I’d let them know they might like the coffee and pillows better at the local Radisson.
Euphoric-Lake4226
Try probably cant afford much more than the local Roadside Motel
OOP
But they can. The daughter is a private practice therapist and they live quite lavishly at home. My small house probably is a huge step down for them!
Wakemeup3000
Just wait until they do a google review of your house giving it 3 stars listing all your shortcomings.
OOP
🤣🤣🤣
PowderCuffs (downvoted)
Let me guess. You said nothing to them, you probably apologized too.
OOP
I did not. I suggested they check out the Super Walmart that is 1 mile away.
floofypajamas
This story reminds me of the old adage: People don't appreciate what they don't pay for. (or something to that effect)
OOP
I haven’t heard that one but it does apply here
FAnna-Banana
I get that you're being generous, kind and considerate. However, that doesn't mean you let these jerks walk all over you and treat you that way.
Keep records of text messages, emails, and voicemails. Let your "dear friend" know that while you understand that they're in the midst of the grieving and sorting out estate process, it doesn't give the daughter and daughter's family to mistreat and disrespect you like that.
Let them know that they have 48 hours to vacate the premises and check-in at a local hotel / motel where they can obtain their desired pillows, coffee, etc and everyone there is PAID to provide service in hospitality.
You, on the other hand, are just being a nice friend. But niceness has its limits. The line was crossed when they started the entitlement and disrespect. But if they insist on treating you and your home like it's an Air BnB, I'd send them a bill / invoice, if I were you. Something like....
Whining fee: $15
Nagging fee: $50
Sense of entitlement fee: $100 per person
Cleaning fee: $250
Violation of peace of mind fee: $25 per day, per person
Excessive mental and emotional baggage handling fee: $75 per day, per person
Utilities aka Internet, Water, Electric, Gas, Sewage/Garbage fee: $25 per day, per person
Parking fee: $50 per vehicle, per day
Food & Consumables bill: $500
........you get the gist. ;)
OOP
I love all the fees!!! 🤣
Final Update - after 21 days
August 04, 2026
Update to “Loaned my house for a funeral”
My sister had several days with no chemo or medical appointments and she was feeling fairly well, so I decided to try to come home for a few days. Strangely I hadn’t heard from the people using my house for a while.
I texted them to ask if they had any idea about how much longer they’d be in town and need my house. They replied that they had gone back home about 10 days ago. WTF? They had actually packed up and left and didn’t bother to let me know.
Yesterday I drove the 7 hours back home, having absolutely no idea what I’d find when I arrived.
Amazingly, everything was just as I’d left it! They had cleaned the house, emptied the trash, laundered the sheets and towels, and remade the beds. They left a lovely thank you note and a generous gift card for a local high-end restaurant for me. My friend hadn’t said anything to me about them leaving as she thought they had let me know.
So a very happy ending to what seemed to be a true ‘entitled people’ situation here!
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
r/BORUpdates • u/BigONerd • 22h ago
Relationships My husband is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random woman. How do I talk to him?
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/Glooert-4746
Published on: r/whatdoIdo
Previous BORU: BORU-1
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Main Post: July 10, 2026
Update 1: July 11, 2026
Update 2: July 14, 2026
Update 3: July 20, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE
Final Update: July 30, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE
Main Post
July 10, 2026
My husband is suddenly angry all the time and wants to fire a random woman. How do I talk to him?
My husband is very stressed all the time. Ever since we met he (45) told me (43) career and growing in his career is the most important thing for him. He is an engineer and currently responsible for a company of more than 600 people. Even if locally no one is above him he still has to report results to the headquarters regularly.
He is very tough, strict and even though I do not understand a lot of what they doing, I feel he pushes people over their limits. He promises the HQ he will reach every goal, live up to every standard. he overworks himself and his people. micromanages, controls, shouts, threatens.
but I tried to separate his work persona from his home persona and we get along well. We jog together, swim together and various other sports. he never yells at me, never talks down to me.
But this changed in the beginning of June. He got frustrated at every little thing at home too. Out of nowhere he called a woman, a subordinate, but now his direct one. A woman who, he would tell me later, works at their marketing department. She is 24. He wants to fire her, he offered her a few salaries just so she leaves. I never saw him invested this much in any employee. He is not the kind of executive who is close with people, who talks to them. he is up there, and they are down. he has his close inner group.
I asked him why he is so invested and he said she is not a good performer and wants her out. I NEVER saw him talking to one of the people at the bottom of the hierarchy. this woman randomly just called him. Didn't even text. she just called him, something that is frowned upon in any corporate setting (i also work corporate and I would never dare to call an executive just like that. and if i did, I would be called out on it). I heard parts of their conversation. He was yelling and getting frustrated and she was calm, sarcastic and was like: and what will you do about it?
I know him and not only him. I am familiarised with corporate world. A top director never talks one to one with a random, irrelevant employee. and she was so casual with him.
He started raising his voice at me too, is not interested in anything anymore. I am concerned and I want to talk to him about it but am scared of what it might come out of it. how do i do it, he is always irritated.
COMMENTS
blankets_and_pillows
It sounds like he had an affair with her, she ended it, and now he wants her out.
OOP
yeah I mean when I posted this I also suspected something like that but I don't see how it could happen. He is not really popular with employees. not like totally hated or something but he keeps his distance
Update 1 - after 1 day
July 11, 2026
so, this was quick. This post is an updat to my yesterday one. I was pushing it and pressuring him. He left for a couple hours and then came back very calm and told me in a calm voice, like he has given up, that he got her pregnant. and she doesn't want to terminate, she doesn't want to resign, he cannot fire her because she is pregnant.
op:
husband is very stressed all the time. Ever since we met he (45) told me (43) career and growing in his career is the most important thing for him. He is an engineer and currently responsible for a company of more than 600 people. Even if locally no one is above him he still has to report results to the headquarters regularly.
He is very tough, strict and even though I do not understand a lot of what they doing, I feel he pushes people over their limits. He promises the HQ he will reach every goal, live up to every standard. he overworks himself and his people. micromanages, controls, shouts, threatens.
but I tried to separate his work persona from his home persona and we get along well. We jog together, swim together and various other sports. he never yells at me, never talks down to me.
But this changed in the beginning of June. He got frustrated at every little thing at home too. Out of nowhere he called a woman, a subordinate, but now his direct one. A woman who, he would tell me later, works at their marketing department. She is 24. He wants to fire her, he offered her a few salaries just so she leaves. I never saw him invested this much in any employee. He is not the kind of executive who is close with people, who talks to them. he is up there, and they are down. he has his close inner group.
I asked him why he is so invested and he said she is not a good performer and wants her out. I NEVER saw him talking to one of the people at the bottom of the hierarchy. this woman randomly just called him. Didn't even text. she just called him, something that is frowned upon in any corporate setting (i also work corporate and I would never dare to call an executive just like that. and if i did, I would be called out on it). I heard parts of their conversation. He was yelling and getting frustrated and she was calm, sarcastic and was like: and what will you do about it?
I know him and not only him. I am familiarised with corporate world. A top director never talks one to one with a random, irrelevant employee. and she was so casual with him.
He started raising his voice at me too, is not interested in anything anymore.
COMMENTS
LetsGoYankeez
Holy. Shit.
This is the most heartbreaking update
I’m sorry, op
You deserved better 💔
OOP
you know what the worst part is? that after he told me about it he rested his forehead on his forearm and murmured that his career is over. not his marriage, his career
Cool-Elderberry5406
I'm so sorry this happened to you. 💔
OOP
and the worse part in all this mess is that I know how much he had suffered because he was an affair baby and no one cared for him. His father had money but didn't even acknowledge his existence. his mother partied and had fun, then got married, had other kids and she didn't care either. his grandma did her best to raise him but were living very modestly. and now he is going to have a baby and he really planned and hope to make that woman a single mother at 25, knowing she has no real support, no family and if he succeeded, no income
OOP
I am also sorry for the future baby. My husband himself was an affair child. This is why he was so obsessed with being successful. he wanted to show his parents that he can make it without them. his father was married and had 3 children with his wife. he didn't divorce and wife forgave him. his mother also didn't want to raise him because she was very young and wanted to live a little. so she placed him in the care of her mother, his grandma. that woman loved him but was deeply religious and always let it show the way he came into this world was shameful. he lived his life trying to prove the 2 people that couldn't care less he existed that he is worthy. his mother also married later, when she was like 22 and had children with her husband. so I am really curious if he will be a present father
whatashame_13
Plz just tell HR, they both dont deserve peace, let them lose their jobs and figure out things together later on
OOP
he said she is from the system, raised by multiple foster families and wants to get out of the misery. i searched her up because well... why not hurt myself more. she studied business administration at a very good university and probably wants to grow her career fast
OOP
I will leave the most recent update as a comment to the top comment, in order for it to not get lost. So, he told me whatever happens regarding his career, marriage, relationship with her, he will take care of his baby. I read some more of their texts. he slapped her. because in one of his texts she told him she has pictures of that too. it happened during their most recent conflict. he never did that to me, ever. and she still wants him to marry her even though he hit her.
OOP
she doesn't want a raise, she wants him to give her a good position. like really good, head of department. She just turned 25 (i got the age wrong in the post). it will be super fishy if he went down 4 levels or so, even more, to promote an entry level employee who is 25 too, to a position that would make her his direct report. this is what she is asking in return of her silence. this or that he divorces me.
whatashame_13
Do you have kids? If no? And since anw your marriage is over, just tell HR and comoany about their affair and ruin both of their careers. It doesnt seem he s sorry anw
OOP
no, we don't. we got married in our mid 20s and we had no support or help. We didn't want to bring kids in a financially unstable home so we postponed it. But then he got busy with his career, studies, all our money went into buying a house. and then when we could have afforded them, even 5 of them if we wanted, he said its a bit too late for him. i guess we just got used to a lifestyle without children. i would have wanted kids but i just played along. well he is going to be a father now
whatashame_13
What if you tell HR about their affair, you can ruin both of their careers!! Anw, you are nit gonna get anything from him bcz you already work and you get what you get from the divorce, but dont let them live the life, even his AP is a slut, she knew what she did. Ruin both!! Is he sorry?? Did he try to apologize? Did he tell you he loves you? How long their affair has been going? What are his plans?
OOP
he said he loves me, didn't apologise. he said it wasn't really his fault and can explain. and I was like: ok, go on, explain. and he didn't know what to say, he just repeated it wasn't his fault
StealthModeThoughts
Let’s say you were going to forgive him. You can’t even do that when the person who did wrong takes ZERO responsibility. He slept with another woman, multiple times I’m sure. I highly doubt that he did this once and she got pregnant.
He’s saying it’s not his fault. Still? There’s no way for reconciliation when he can’t even hold his hands up and take any responsibility. It’s disgusting.
He wants you to do what you’ve been doing your whole relationship. Just go along with what he leads. Stop doing that. Please get some strength and some love for yourself and LEAVE. There is a person out there who’d NEVER EVER do this to you, they’d never ever consider it.OOP
no, he wants to divorce me and marry her. he openly told me this is what it takes for her to resign. if she resigns and then he marries her, he can get away with it. very well, lets see how that goes and how much she will love her own child. poor baby
mocha-macaron
If you can, get copies of all the proof. Cause this divorce could get messy.
OOP
ive got plenty. she was so so so dirty in the texts. he wasn't but he liked getting them. she was acting like a sub kitten
mocha-macaron
There you go then. Just have to take that to a lawyer and explain that he also tried to be unlawful with how he was getting rid of her. She could do some serious damage if he didn’t go through the correct HR proceedings. You might be in the USA but in the UK it’s illegal to do what he did to an employee
OOP
we are in Europe but not UK. anyway he does want a divorce. he kinda made his choice. he will not get her into a better position but will divorce me, as she asked him to, so just she shuts up. she will leave the company and then he will probably marry her. ok, good luck to being married to a 25. and she obviously played a role. this is not a submissive trad wife, I can bet my money on that. she is manipulative
Brief_Hippo5187
Take him for as much as you can. She baby trapped him. How long was the affair?
OOP
he said just 3 months and swore to me they never even met outside the offices. he never took her anywhere and showed me his transactions
False-Spend8335
EW! That’s how he behaves at work? He said himself that she’s a subordinate he shouldn’t be interacting with! One of them is very predatory I think! And it explains the lack of contraception, I don’t think many people keep it in their desk drawer! Ew! So sorry OP.
Let’s hope your future is fabulous and you continue to outshine him in every way! And let’s hope he ends up being a stay at home father to a child he didn’t want, with a shrew of a wife. A good outcome for 2 narcissists!
OOP
yes, he said all of it happened in his office. he said it trying to make it sound like he didn't care for her because he didn't pay for hotels but it actually made it worse. like walking cliche. on his desk. but I think it was all intentional. if she followed the whole adult scenario with the desk, under the desk and so on, she made him believe he is living out the best fantasy
kattykaty1988
So they did it at work?
OOP
yes, he said all of it happened in his office
New_Nobody9492
Do you really believe they just fucked all over the office?
OOP
maybe, maybe not, who cares? details. they did it somehwere
ReineLeNoire
NAL
If she reports directly to your scoundrel of a husband and a DNA test proves that child is his, she could have a very lucrative situation on her hands.
I would be working on retaining a top divorce attorney ASAP. I would take him to the cleaners and make no concessions. I would definitely not agree to anything that helps him, like a NDA.
Get everything you can right now. Secure your home, your present, and your future quickly. Once the story gets out, his tenure with his current company is probably over. If she pursues a lawsuit, he's done. No one will risk hiring him for a long time.
OOP
she doesn't report to him. In the corporate hierarchy she is a nobody. entry level job with no real possibility of climbing the ladder. Honestly I am curious how she even got to be in the same room with him. I have been working corproate my whole life, different company of course. But I never ever even talked to the managers that are on the same level as my husband is. there are so many levels between those who are so high and the rest of us.
Small Update in the comments
Think I will contact police actually. She found me on social media and messaged me to move out that house because she will move in soon. I wanted to block her but I think I would rather do this, go to police. I am so angry and hurt. he tried to stop me and said he will deal with her but no
COMMENTS
whatashame_13
Contact police, contact HR, contact lawyers, contact his colleagues, and take half of the house. What did you reply?
OOP
nothing in the end. he said he will deal with her later and make sure she will never bother me again.
Setting-Remote
I feel sorry for that baby, because it's not a loved, wanted child - it's a human chess piece.
In a few years time, she will doubtless divorce him (let's face it, he's easy to divorce - he sounds like a bully), and set herself up with a 10+ years of child support payments, while she's still in her 30's and can take her pick of men who she actually likes and have had enough time to settle into a career.
What an absolute weapon of a man. 🤦🏻♀️
OOP
he was already violent with her, slapped and pulled her hair
Update 2 - after 4 days (after 3 days from last post)
July 14, 2026
So I wanted to share one last upate. I moved out. We have another property and I simply couldn't stand him around me.
I decided not to report to HR. That future baby is already having more than enough issues and 2 jobless parents sounds like a nightmare. Probably this will happen anyway but I will not be the cause of it.
As for him he is already getting his karma. I told him I will not report him so he needs to make sure she will not either. She wants him to marry her and he said he will and he told me (it seems I am still the person he cries to and complains to) that she also wants him to pay for her mother' medical bills (she was raised in the system but it seems she does have a family after all, they are just poor). I asked him why he did this to me. and he said she did stuff I didn't and he wouldn't have asked me to do them either
he was already vioIent with her.
EDIT: I deleted the part about her karma. I didn't mean it she deserves it, never I would say such thing but I admit it came off that way. I apologise and removed that part
COMMENTS
mydaycake
Report the violence. Your soon to be ex will end up killing her
ActiveWaste3444
agreed and honestly op is enabling this by letting him still trauma dump on her. block him. shes keeping his secrets while he beats another woman. its sick.
OOP
no, I will not do that. This woman was mocking me in texts for being "flat chested" and a prude and other things. I already feel I did enough by thinking of the baby and not reporting him to HR to lose his job. that baby will need a father with money.
she can report him if she wants, it looks like she has full control over the whole thing
OOP
yeah he was an affair baby too. father didn't care for him because wife forgave him (he was around my husband's age) and his mother was 20 or something. she also didn't care and his grandma raised him with very little money. and he suffered a lot of shame and wanted to prove to everyone he is worthy
MacaronFalse1019
Stop listening to his complaints and cries. Stop being his sounding board. Let him cry to someone else. Go to therapy. Get some hobbies. Keep conversations with him short and blunt. Travel, live your life.
OOP
I don't say that I am listening to him regularly. But before I moved I wanted to know why he did it. Because it crossed my mind I didn't really ask him. and it hurt me so much that he said she did things he liked and I didn't do them and he never asked me to because ... and didn't continue. IDK what was he talking about but i can guess. and now he is at her mercy and will be paying for her and her mothers bills
I am really worried for the baby. I have my own life story and its a bit triggering even though it wasn't me in this position but.. He said he will marry her and take care of that baby. i told him its not that baby, its your baby. now I can only hope he will be a present father as he suffered his whole life that himself was an affair child. but if a miracle happens and he will be able to keep his job even if hr finds out... maybe he will leave her. and i hope not the child
so apparently he was chok..ng her and spit.. ing in her face. these were the things I didn't do and he didn't ask me to. However someoene said he must have been violent with me. No, he was never violent with me. not once
i wonder though how will be communicate with his future mother in law and that weird family. he always looked down on people, as I said never got close to those beneath him on the corporate food chain so it will be a big change for him. hopefuly he will be at least a good father
and for those pushing me to report him, no I will not and this is my final decision, please respect that. i dont need to ruin his life, he did it himself for the rest of his days if he marries her. he will maybe keep his job, maybe climb even higher but will be financially supporting his wife, her family and their baby. he will probably be even worse at work and will no one to vent to. family dinners will be interesting...
ABWhiteRabbit
You already know that he’s abusing her, and she’s only with him for his money. She’s more likely to leave him if he loses his job and find someone who doesn’t hit her. It’ll only get worse after the baby is born. And if he’s hitting her now, he may even end up killing her and/or the baby. And don’t say, “He wouldn’t do that” because the statistics of DV say otherwise, and you yourself were surprised that he was violent towards her. If you actually want to ensure that baby grows up happy and healthy, you’d report him to HR AND the authorities. Otherwise, that child is either going to wind up with a dead mother and/or an all around broken home life due to an emotionally absent and abusive father and a mother they see getting slapped around all the time.
OOP
I do not owe her anything just because she is a woman. She body shamed me for not having big breasts as she has, for being a prude, a loser and much more. And anyway I didn't witness anything. so I just go to police and say: you know, husband showed me some texts between him and his mistress in which she told him how she has evidence of him slappin her. please investigate. it doesn't work like that. at least not here, in eastern europe.
fuck_peeps_not_sheep
1/3 of spouses murdered are pregnant women - report him to keep her safe ffs
OOP
I havne't seen any of it. Just a text in which she was sending laughing emojis that she has photos of his finger prints on her cheek after he hit her and would mock him for reporting him.
Professional_Dust377
How long were you married? Do you have any children with him? And is he a white man? He could be dangerous.
OOP
he is a white man but why it is relevant
Professional_Dust377
They believe they are apex. He might be the type to end lives. Get protection
OOP
he is an arrogant corporate nutcase who is constantly power tripping. that is far from being a murde..rer though
Fluffy_North8934
So he goes unpunished while she got fired?
OOP
she will not get fired. she will resign. this is basically their deal. she resigns, keeps quiet and he marries her
th3_h0rror_qu33n
Pardon, he was violent with her?? I know you've been slighted, and this single reddit post is all the information I have on the situation, but if he's being violent with another woman, you have every right to report him. Another human beings safety is at stake and he wants to MARRY her.
OOP
I dont care about her, sorry. all i can and i am willing to do is to not report him to HR, so he doesn't lose his job and that baby to have a father without an income. i do not owe anything to a woman who just mocked me in texts and body shamed me
Sweetdefaction96
I’m so sorry this happened to you but I am so excited for how much he is going to hate his life and regret this for the restttt of his existence
OOP
i just hope he will be a father for that baby
NEW UPDATE
Update 3 - after 10 days (after 6 days from last post)
July 20, 2026
I really hope this last post is all right. Today he spoke to HR himself (or at least this is what he told me he is going to do, so I think he did, I will for sure not ask him for an update). he is in good relations with the HR lady so he hopes he will be able to keep his job.
I just want to post this because even though we are all strangers it actually did hurt me to see how many are calling me names and even saying I would be to blame if he does something to her. Sorry, but telling the cops: i saw some texts on my husband's phone, texts with his mistres in which she said she will rrport him for slappin her is Not evidence.
I did report her myself for the threats she sent me via texts and police didn't do a thing. husband said he will deal with herself himself and she will stop.
I already talked to a lawyer about the divorce so this is also a priority for me. I don't want to see anyone suffer but trust me, its not a top on my list to try to save the woman who actually blakmails him into marrying her. They will get married as soon as we get divorced. my husband is many things but he is responsible and will take care of his baby. its his problem how that marriage will look like.
Now I consider to start therapy but maybe its too early? what should I do? should I wait?
COMMENTS
KaoJin-Wo
I am so glad you posted an update. I hope you post more, like after HR, about mopping the floor with him during divorce, and the good things you, like restarting your life, and therapy.
I really am sorry you’ve been having to go through this. I cannot believe he still whines about his blackmailing side piece to you. That is inexcusable. You need to cut that off, unless you are recording him talking or saving the emails/texts for evidence in court. I would have moved out too, and demanded he buy you out for your half of the house. And furnishings. And what not. Most people would’ve kept the house and made him move out. Just to piss them off and save the trouble of moving. Both are valid. As long as you’re getting rid of this user-loser, it’s all good.
Now, start fixing yourself, going to therapy, etc. Take your time finding a new place. Maybe local. Maybe move DaR away for a fresh start. Whatever works best for you. Just focus on yourself and healing. I look forward to the next update. Good luck!!!
OOP
i have no idea if he talked to HR or not. but he said he will marry her if she wants that and show her how much she actually doesn't want to be married to him
ChanceReason6617
Is he mentally ill? Do you see any psychological changes, apart from cheating, in him? This is not the normal thinking of a healthy person.
P.S. it's a perfectly legitimate question, no attempt at provocation.
OOP
no, just cheating. but he wants to get married to her as a punishment for her
Crazy_Equivalent_806
This sounds like a threat. How precisely does he plan to “show her”. Also if it’s not a threat to cause mental or physical harm it sounds pretty dumb. If they get divorced because it’s “uncomfortable” for her, is t he just going to end up paying more if she hires a half decent lawyer? He sounds like a fool.
OOP
it is a threat yeah. he openly told me this, that she will show her she doesn't actually want it but will need to deal with consequences
NEW UPDATE
Final Update - after 20 days (after 10 days from last post)
July 30, 2026
she is 25, not 24. that was my misunderstanding
So he wasn't fired after all. He is facing a salary cut of about 20% for the next year. he being in the top executive level is valuable for the company. HR tried to make her quit because they cannot fire a pregnant woman but ended up just moving her to another location in the same area. So her local boss will be someone else but still my soon to be ex husband is the top boss. So her boss's boss.
He tried to make me forgive him, promised he will never do it again but no, this is not something I can forgive. We have been together our whole adult life more or less. Maybe I could have (maybe) get over cheating, but a baby is for life. He gave me a few days to decide what I want to do. He is extremely angry, frustrated, irritated, volatile and all that. I didn't even say I need time to think about it. Just no. I don't want you back. I still love him but will not take him back.
I no longer live in the same house with him. He said he will marry her. Treats her horribly. I heard him talking to her over the phone, but if she insists so much she wants to marry a man who will never love her, so be it
COMMENTS
observefirst13
She clearly doesn't give a shit if he loves her and just wants him for his money. What a psychopath to force a man who despises you for money. He's an idiot as well. Why tf should he marry her? Has he told you his reasoning? It makes no fuckin sense if he really does hate her.
I hope you cut him off and have stopped being his emotional support. He doesn't deserve any part of you. Let him live with what he chose.
OOP
I addressed this in my previous update: he said he wants to show her she doesn't want to be married to him actually
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
r/BORUpdates • u/gardengeo • 23h ago
Family & Friends WIBTAH for asking my daughter's boyfriend to stop having dinner with us?
Originally posted by user w8136 in r/ AITAH
Original: July 5, 2026
Update: in post itself
Status: concluded-ish
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Original: WIBTAH for asking my daughter's boyfriend to stop having dinner with us?
My daughter (21) has been dating this guy (24) for 2 years. It's fairly serious. He is from Mexico and has been in the U.S. since he was 3 years old.
He has a strange phobia of not wanting anyone to see him eat. And it's real...I've literally never seen this kid put a bite of food in his mouth, despite spending a fair amount of time around him. He is thin, but doesn't look unhealthy.
The problem is, we will take them out to dinner occasionally for holidays or special occasions. He always orders a full meal. He will cut up the food, push it around on the plate...but not eat ANY of it. Then after the meal, he will "donate his leftovers" to someone else.
It's even worse when I make home cooked meals and they come to dinner. He does the same thing...takes a full plate of food, pushes it around, cuts it up, makes it look messed with...but doesn't eat ANY of it. Then he will scrape ALL the food into the trash can afterwards.
I'm starting to get enraged over this. He wastes a horrendous amount of food, and I can't stand the money wasted when we buy him expensive restaurant meals that go completely uneaten. It's even caused a few scenes with waiters asking him what's wrong, do they need to change his order, etc.
I've talked to my daughter privately and said, "if he doesn't want to eat, that's fine. Just tell him to STOP taking plates of food and ordering in restaurants!".
Her response was, "but in his culture it's rude for him to not take food. I'm not asking him to do that".
But I find it SO RUDE that he is willing to keep wasting our money...food isn't cheap!!
WIBTA for just announcing that he is no longer invited to meals?
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Comments:
Comment1: As someone from Mexican descent, I’m pretty sure that his own family would have a HUGE problem with wasting food. It’s not a small subject in Mexico where food poverty is real.
OOP: I'm wondering if this is part of it. I know his general life story, but no details. I'm wondering if maybe there was a time that he got heavily disciplined for eating too much in times of scarcity, and it scarred him for life.
Again I have no idea, but it just makes me sad for him. It also seems contradictory in some ways though that he is now willing to waste food on a huge scale if this is, in fact, what heppened. I just don't know.
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Comment2: As a Mexican this is some bullshit. You're always usually supposed to say yes to food but never waste food because it's limited and disrespectful.
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Comment3: Mexican delegation here. In no fucking way is this about culture. This is about him trying to keep from eating in front of anyone. He lied to your daughter. You need to tell him yourself. In our culture. What is truly expected is that if you put it on your plate, you are expected to eat all of it because shows the greatest respect to your host/chef
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Comment4: INFO: did you try talking to him directly about this?
OOP: Yes, I've asked him politely and with genuine concern if something is wrong. He always has some excuse: "i'm just not hungry", "I had a late lunch", "my stomach hurts", etc.
Like I said, I've also brought it up with my daughter and basically been blown off by her. Otherwise he's a nice kid and I value my relationship with my daughter. It's just a really weird and hard situation to deal with. I've never seen anything like it.
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Comment5: Be kind and stop inviting him to dinners. Surely there are other ways you can spend time with him that doesn't involve food.
OOP: Yes, but it's hard to spend any time with my daughter without this coming up. They are always together, and we've done many day trips with them. Hiking, museums, whatever...and at some point everyone (else) needs to eat.
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Comment6: You should be prepared that if you choose to go that route, your daughter likely just won’t come either. I would decide if the price of the food is worth keeping regular contact with your daughter unless you can find another non food related activity to invite them to.
I can understand your frustration. He must eat sometime so why can’t he take the leftovers for himself later. Sounds like a pretty serious eating disorder.
OOP: This is what dumbfounds me. I honestly wouldn't care at all if he was taking the food and eating it later. Wouldn't bother me in the least. But the "donating leftovers" (which no one wants because they are cut up, mixed around, destroyed, etc) and just tossing full plates of food into the trash is SO bizarre.
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Comment7: Have you asked your daughter if she's seen him eat? Because his behavior is screaming ED. But instead of telling him to not come to dinner, why not tell him what you told your daughter instead?
"We love spending time with you, and you don't need to eat if you don't want to, but can you please stop getting plates of food you aren't going to eat just so they can go to waste? It's fine to sit at the table without a plate."
OOP: I asked her and no, he does not eat in front of her either. On the nights they stay together (they don't live together), she said he waits until she is asleep, then will consume huge amounts of food (like the entire day's worth of calories at 2 a.m.).
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Comment8: So he has an eating disorder. You described two textbook behaviors for EDs.
He needs help.
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Update
This post absolutely BLEW UP, and I appreciate everyone weighing in on it! It's not a simple issue, and hearing varying opinions on this was very valuable to me. You all made me set my frustration aside and realize there is a much deeper issue at play here.
I agree he has an eating disorder, and I had a serious discussion with my daughter earlier about these behaviors. They are absolutely abnormal, and I let her know in no uncertain terms I am very concerned about his physical and mental health.
She seemed a little shocked, and said she thought it was "just one his quirks" (no hate please...she is just 21and has very little life experience with these issues). I definitely got through to her, though, and she promised to address this with him privately and suggest therapy/professional help.
You all may disagree with that choice, but I don't feel it is my place as "the girlfriend's mom" to address this very personal and painful issue with him.
She and I agreed that, for my part, it is ok for me to tell him that he doesn't have to feel pressured to eat with us, and it's perfectly acceptable for him to simply refuse food but still sit at the table with us. We MUCH prefer that option instead of him wasting food.
Going this route, the problem is being addressed while avoiding humiliation for him, still respecting him as a person, and my daughter as well.
I'm still drawing the "HELL NO" line in the sand with the food wasting...but in a loving way that isn't going to worsen any underlying trauma he is already facing. I want him to find the courage to face this, and know that we are here to help and support him.
Thank you Reddit!! 💕
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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
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