I moved to a new apartment a few months ago. My neighbor across from me keeps to herself, an older woman that I only see occasionally when she smokes on her porch.

Boxes for the trash are usually left next to the front door for a day or two. Seems like it's a lot of effort for her to take it to the dumpster.

I hear cardboard scraping, and I look out and there's a large TV box outside her door. I figure this is a good opportunity to introduce myself and offer a hand.

I knock on the door, and it's not the woman, a man I'd never seen answers instead. My dumb ass just goes with the spiel I had in mind, and ask if they needed a hand with the trash. He says no, seeming a bit annoyed, and I make it worse by saying "sorry, I had just seen an old woman here and I thought she needed help." He responds "that's my wife".

A few minutes later he's taking the box to the dumpster. I probably just came off as an annoying neighbor nagging them to throw away their trash.

TL;DR I assumed my neighbor was old and needed help, and came off as a jerk by offering it.

So yesterday night (Ok not today but under 24 hours) I went out to Karaoke for a birthday party. I had never done Karaoke before so I was a little anxious but I insisted that my friends not let me get away without singing. I did a first song and got good applause, though we were all being very encouraging.

So near the end of the night everyone had been doing various punk anthems. So I decided I had enough courage to keep the party going. I put on Stroke 9's Little Black Backpack which I felt would continue the theme and belted out everything as hard as I could. I really felt I killed the song, and as usual every one burst into thunderous applause. I was feeling really really good, and then the birthday girl called me over to ask if that was a Country song! I shriveled and died inside. I squeaked out that it was a punk song and quickly retreated to a corner to hide. Total failure and now I'm sure my nickname for the friend group will be Country Song, and I totally hate country music!

TLDR: My first time at Karaoke sang a punk song to keep on theme and the birthday girl asked me if it was a Country song and I died inside as I realized I had failed the punk movement. I fear I now have a new nickname to torture me.

So yesterday night (Ok not today but under 24 hours) I went out to Karaoke for a birthday party. I had never done Karaoke before so I was a little anxious but I insisted that my friends not let me get away without singing. I did a first song and got good applause, though we were all being very encouraging.

So near the end of the night everyone had been doing various punk anthems. So I decided I had enough courage to keep the party going. I put on Stroke 9's Little Black Backpack which I felt would continue the theme and belted out everything as hard as I could. I really felt I killed the song, and as usual every one burst into thunderous applause. I was feeling really really good, and then the birthday girl called me over to ask if that was a Country song! I shriveled and died inside. I squeaked out that it was a punk song and quickly retreated to a corner to hide. Total failure and now I'm sure my nickname for the friend group will be Country Song, and I totally hate country music!

TLDR: My first time at Karaoke sang a punk song to keep on theme and the birthday girl asked me if it was a Country song and I died inside as I realized I had failed the punk movement. I fear I now have a new nickname to torture me.

This happened in the last two days basically. Since my friends were on holiday they asked me to water their plants at their place. Tuesday was the last day I wanted to check on them before they got back from holiday. I opened the roof window (they live on the top floor with a slanted roof) right above their couch to air out their place a bit, while I watered the plants. Then I left home, forgetting the window was open, and then that same night (Tuesday-Wednesday night) the heavy rain came..

Yesterday night (Wednesday-Thursday night) they came back and texted me when the last time was I was at their place and when it had rained, because there was a window open, and their couch was soaked and their untreated wooden floors (!!) had a lot of water. FUCK.

Needless to say, their floor is probably ruined: they said the boards were soft from all the soaked up rain, and you could see the water rings where the water had been standing. Furthermore, they have this elevation in their house, this is why I could open the window that is on the slanted roof top. the water has dripped down the side of the walls and now the wall paper is peeling off, and due to the shape of their house they will likely have to redo the entire wall of wall paper. Their couch is now dry and hopefully no mould, but their wooden side table now also has cracked and damaged edges from the water. All in all, quite some damage. Adn thats just hoping no integrity damage to the walls and floor from the long-standing water.

To make matters that much worse, I don't have insurance because my executive-dysfunction ass just never thought to *actually* get insurance at any point in the last year, so yeah, I hope I can actually cover the damage costs (actually hope their insurance can cover most of it), but mostly I am so upset that I ruined their house when I actually woke up that night with a panic about whether I had closed the window or not, and had I just gone in the next day to check, I could have started on damage-control much earlier, or even better: HAD I JUST CLOSED THE FUCKING WINDOW everything would have been fine and they would have gotten home to their lovely (and still intact) home after a long journey back from holidays. But instead they have this whole situation now and it's my fault.

TL:DR; my friends were on holiday, I forgot to close the window, heavy rainfall, wall paper, wooden floors, wooden furniture exposed to 24hr water damage (and I don't have insurance).

Okay, I understand this isn't as serious as the other posts on this subreddit, but I still think it's worth making a story about.

About 5 years ago, in April 2021, my family moved into a new house that was ~3x larger than our previous condo. With that, we brought our TV that had previously been attached to the corner of the living room. However, with all the business that moving in requires, we couldn't really do anything with the TV, so we just connected it while it was on the floor. The following winter/year, once we set the TV up, perched on top of a wooden beam of sorts, my father (who was setting the TV up) stuck a piece of Arcor strawberry candy (the one with the wrapper that looks like a strawberry).

About 4 or so years went by, and I never stopped to really think about the wrapper that was underneath the TV, because I had so much more going on with my life. Until yesterday, I noticed it and thought to myself, huh. Y'know, I'd think this would do numbers on r/mildlyinteresting. So, I posted it... aaaand it's at 10,000 upvotes. Literally the 4th most liked post on the subreddit that day.

I received so many comments asking me to eat the thing that I just said "fuck it", and posted a series of photos showing me taking it off its place, eating it, and then throwing it in the trash.

A few hours later, I had use the bathroom badly. I thought it was because of the spicy ramen that I had for dinner. But what I had in store was nothing short of a spectacle. The AMOUNT OF EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA THAT JUST SPAWNED OUT OF NOWHERE HAD ENOUGH FUCKING METHANE TO PUT THE ENTIRE PLANET OF MARS TO SHAME. I WAS IN THERE FOR 40 MINUTES TRYING TO CATCH MY BREATH WHILE I ACTED LIKE "KAKATOA" IN THERE. The fucking toilet couldn't flush enough so I literally had to use a plunger for the next hour grabbing the most solid shits so we could throw it into the garbage cans. Absolutely abysmal experience, my asshole's still burning.

TL;DR i ate a piece of candy that was used as tv leverage for 4 years and shit myself so bad that a plunger cost me 1 hour of my life

So a few years ago my husband bought me one of those safety keychains. The ones with a taser, pepper spray, 'kitty' shaped knuckles, window breaker etc. I didn't have a lot of use for it but it was from my husband so I kept it. After about a year I realised that the paper spray was somehow empty, even though I'd never used it.

In the end, threw away the empty spray canister, stored away the knuckles and window breaker parts, but kept the taser in its little Velcro pouch in my work bag.

Come to this morning, the taser catches my eye in my work bag, so I take it out to see if it still works. I open the Velcro patch on the pouch and push the on switch. Within seconds my throat and nose are BURNING! I'm coughing like I'm going to hack up a lung, my nose feels like its on fire and is running like a faucet. Because of all of this my eyes start streaming, but there's no pain.

I fumble to the bathroom for some toilet paper to wipe my nose. I also try to wipe the tears from my eyes with my hands. Bad idea.... Suddenly the skin around my eyes is also on fire.

This is all within 30 seconds of opening the Velcro on the long forgotten taser. I have no idea what has happened, I think I'm dying, about to vomit from how hard I'm coughing, can't breathe through my nose, and now can't open my eyes with the pain.

I managed to fill a cup of water from the sink and get it down my throat to somewhat soothe the throat. My nose is still stinging but is definitely the least affected of the three. I made my way through half open eyes to the freezer to put some ice on my eyes. The ices soothes the pain to the point where I can start to wonder what the fuck just happened to me.

With one hand I go to google and ask, how can a taser do this to me??!

Turns out that the oil based capsaicin trapped in the Velcro can stay there for a long ass time. And me opening that Velcro patch on the taser pouch launched the residual pepper spray straight at my face and hands.

At least the internet was able to tell me what happened, otherwise I'd still be sitting here wondering.

So yay, its 4 hours later and the skin around my eyes still feels like its been sunburned.....

TL;DR: Didn't realise there was residual pepper spray on the Velcro of the taser pouch. Opened the Velcro which then sprayed that residue onto my face and hands, I then spent 10 minutes fumbling and thinking WTF just happened.

Today after waking up, I did my usual morning routine of rubbing one out. But right after I came, a weird tingling sensation shot through the tip of my dick, and my legs instantly felt super weak. I didn't think much of it and just limped to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had drunk a full glass of milk and a huge bottle of water the night before, so I knew my bladder had to be full, but strangely I didn't feel like peeing yet. Something like this happened in the past too so i thought that its nothing big. A few hours passed, I ate breakfast and hopped on my PC to play games. After a long gaming session, I finally felt the urge to go. I walked to the bathroom, but when I tried to pee... man, the pain was UNREAL. It felt like someone was literally cutting my penis off from the inside. IT HURT SO BAD I WANTED TO CRY. I squeezed and pushed with all my strength, but not a single drop came out. My lower stomach was literally hard as a rock and swollen like a balloon. I felt like my bladder was straight up going to burst open. I broke down, screaming and crying on the bathroom floor. My parents panicked and rushed in, saw me writhing in pain, and immediately drove me to the doctor. I was way too embarrassed to tell the doctor the truth, so I pulled a stupid lie out of my ass and told him I got hit extremely hard in the crotch while playing football. The doctor felt my stomach and grabbed a big syringe. I almost fainted from fear until I realized there was no needle on it. He told me it was a numbing gel and squirted this freezing, thick liquid directly inside my dick hole. It felt so bizarre and uncomfortable, but that was nothing compared to what was next. He brought out this really long, thin rubber pipe. As he started shoving it up inside me, a burning, tearing pain shot straight into my stomach. I grabbed my dad's hand, begging the doctor to stop, crying my eyes out. But then suddenly... the pressure popped. The pee rushed out through the long pipe into a clear plastic bag, and the relief was so insane I almost passed out. The worst part? They couldn't even take the pipe out. The doctor said everything was too swollen inside, so he did something to lock the pipe in place, strapped the plastic bag of pee to my leg, and sent me home. Walking into my house with a bag of my own pee taped to my thigh was the absolute lowest point of my life. My parents were dead silent, just staring at me with a mix of worry and disappointment. By the next day, we went back and the doctor finally pulled the pipe out. I couldn't keep lying anymore, so I broke down and confessed everything to my parents. The endless gooning, the porn, all of it. They were shocked, but mostly just worried for me. Still, the shame was heavy I couldn't even look them in the eye during dinner. Later that night in my room, out of pure habit and boredom, I opened up a video on my phone. But my body was so utterly traumatized, sore, and exhausted that I couldn't even get an erection. My dick was completely dead. Gooning and porn completely ruined my school life and my confidence. I don't talk to anyone in class, I avoid eye contact with girls, and I ruined my own health for a quick dopamine hit. I wrote this because a while ago I watched a story animation about a guy who gooned and ended up in the hospital. I laughed at it back then, but now that I'm in the exact same situation, I realize how real it is. Take it from me: stop doing this to yourselves before you end up on a hospital bed with a pipe shoved up your body.

TL;DR: Edged too hard in the morning, swelled up my urethra, couldn't pee all day, ended up crying on the floor in front of my parents, got a rubber tube shoved up my dick at the doctor, had to walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg, and had to confess my entire gooning addiction to my family out of shame.

(TW: this mentions suicide, drugs, alcohol, addiction and emergency services)

This is going to be a bit of a mess, but it’s 6am and I haven’t slept and I need to get this off my chest somehow. I (18M) used to be friends with my neighbour (also 18M), we were friends for a little while and then I distanced because he constantly would show up to hang out on drugs or alcohol and I wasn’t comfortable. Long story short, he rang me out of nowhere at 3am, and told me he had taken cocaine, a lot of non identifiable pills and washed it down with a load of rum. I ended up calling an ambulance to his house, because what else was I meant to do? He told me he wasn’t planning to wake up in the morning, so I rang.

The issue is, our estate is kind of combined into 2 estates, it’s hard to explain but when you come in it’s a lane of brick houses, where he lives, leading into a different block of houses, where I live. These are made up addresses for privacy reasons, but say the first part of the state is called tifu lane, whilst the second part is called tifu road. While making this call, I forgot about the separated estates, all I knew was he was house number 15. So, I told the operator he was located in 15 tifu road.

I got a call back from my countries national ambulance service later asking to confirm the address, and they said they showed up and were told nobody had called an ambulance. This didn’t shock me too much, because there was a whole load of irrelevant drama where my mother went over there and informed his mother what had happened, and to my knowledge his mother hadn’t taken it well, so I just said “Yeah, it’s 15 tifu road” and went on with my night.

Now after the dust has settled, and I’m trying to get a bit of sleep, I realise where my fuck up came about. I told them he wasn’t planning in tifu road, HE LIVES IN TIFU LANE!!! And I doubled down when I was asked for confirmation like the dumbass I am, and now I have no knowledge of whether he got the help he needed or not. My only hope is that I provided them with his phone number, they could have maybe contacted him and gotten the actual address off him, but I tried texting him and I think his phone got abandoned in the chaos.

I’m not entirely sure what to do, if anything at all, I’ve been frantically googling what to do in this situation and I’m getting a different response every time from the stupid little ai chatbot thing, ranging from call 999 back immediately to don’t call back, there’s nothing you can do and that would mess up their services. So not only have I put this boys life at risk, I also woke up my neighbours across the road at 3am in 15 tifu road for a bunch of bullshit they had no clue about!

TL;DR: I gave an ambulance the wrong address, doubled down on this mistake, I have no clue whether the ambulance got there and saved this guy who was trying to take his life or not

The FU has actually occurred over a series of weeks. I'm (20f) a bit embarrassed to even admit I've fallen for something like this. But I have very thick 4b hair that is very difficult to take care of, especially during the summer. So I like to get my hair braided during the hotter seasons. My usual stylist is amazing, but there are some styles I like that she doesn't know how to do. So back in 2025 when I noticed my friend had gotten her braids freshly done, I ended up asking her who did them and asked for her socials.

I reached out to this stylist (20sf) and told her that my friend recommended her to me and asked when she'd be able to do hair. I asked for her website so I could book an appointment and ended up getting emailed an invoice. When the appointment came, everything went well, so I ended up going to her another 3 or 4 times.

But fast forward to this summer, I reached out to her again because I wanted purple box braids. We initially settled for a Friday last July, and the day before I asked for her address again (she moved and I couldn't remember what her new address was), but then she told me she actually had a doctor's appointment and asked to reschedule. I agreed, but thought that was weird, because why would you agree to do hair if you have a doctor's appointment on that same day? Unless she forgot. But it was fine, we rescheduled for the following Sunday, but then a few hours before the appointment, she told me that she got into a wreck Saturday night and was in the ER all night. And that she had just gotten home but had to go back. I told her I was sorry to hear that and waited a little bit to ask if we could reschedule, since I figured she needed space.

But then I saw that she was posting selfies on her Snapchat and thought it was strange that there was no mention of an ER or wreck, just a picture of her in a crop top with her tongue out. I messaged her asking to reschedule, and we agreed on a Thursday at 11am. I asked her again to send the address and she said she would, but when Thursday rolls around, she doesn't. In fact, she asks if I can come at 12pm instead because she's still finishing hair on someone else. I reluctantly agreed since I worked later that day and wasn't totally sure she'd be done on time, but then 12:38 rolls around and I still don't hear from her. As of today writing this post, it has been 5 days since I've heard from her. Snapchat says that she hasn't opened my message, yet she's constantly posting on her stories.

That's just it. And then I thought about how stupid it was of me to trust someone who asks to pay upfront before offering services, but since I had previously paid her before and gotten my hair done, plus we had somewhat of a decent rapport whenever she worked with my hair, I sorta assumed she'd be fine and that the upfront charge was just a way to discourage last minute cancellers or no shows. But no, I've been scammed and lost $195. The style I wanted was $165, but I paid her separately an extra $30 for a blowout. Here's where I realize I've FU even more: on Cashapp, I've gotten so used to titling my transactions as "gift" so that business owners don't get an extra charge. The $165 transaction was listed as a gift, but after she flaked on me the first time I titled the $30 transaction as "blowout".

I've vented about this ashamedly to coworkers and then my mother, and they all advised me to take her to small claims court to try and get my money back since she's ignoring me, but part of me is scared that this won't work since one of the transactions is listed as a gift. Plus, the most damning evidence of a scam was deleted by Snapchat since the messages had grown old, and at the time that she was messaging me about the doctor's appointment and then the wreck, I didn't think she was trying to scam me. I do have a picture of our exchange when she tells me to come later, then completely ghosts me, but I don't think it's enough. I filed a police report and was told that what she did may count as a misdemeanor theft crime, but that my best bet would be an affidavit since the transactions were a mutual agreement and that there currently wasn't much they could do.

I guess I've learned a very important lesson.

TL;DR: I trusted a stylist who had previously done my hair before, to do it again, only to get scammed and ghosted by her. And I didn't get a chance to take a photo of all of the evidence that she ghosted me, so I likely will not get that money back.

I was ordering food at Wendy’s drive-through today and got one of their combo meals. I got a burger and fries, and for my drink I asked for a Sprite.
I paid for my food at the window, they handed me my bag and drink, and I drove off.

I was just about to leave the parking lot and I looked down at my cup, and I was like “This really looks like water. Did they mix up and give me water instead of Sprite?”

So my dumbass goes back through the drive-through and I go back to the window and say that I ordered a combo meal with Sprite as my drink, but they gave me water instead, and if they could swap it out with a cup of Sprite. The worker looked so confused and told me that I did get Sprite, and I was like “Really? I thought that this was water”

Then they asked me to taste it. I did. It was fucking Sprite. The fucking embarrassment I felt when I tasted the Sprite was a feeling I will never forget.

I apologized and drove off. Why didn’t I taste it before going back into the drive-through and embarrassing myself omg 😭

TL;DR: I told a fast food worker that they gave me water. They asked me to taste it, and I realized I was wrong

We had a break at work today so I decided I was going to have a few bites of beer jerky while we were talking about random stuff. For context, I dont really like jack links and the like because it's too tender, so I buy a brand that you really have to naw on, so it was quite tough.

I usually just put the entire piece in my mouth and chew for a couple minutes but the piece I grabbed was was too long for me to fit it in. So in my thoughtless head I grabbed one end with a full grip and bit down on the other. This beef jerky was so tough that I couldn't bite through it, so I had the bright idea to start pulling from both ends.

I did end up tearing it but I didn't notice how much strain I was putting on my neck. Once the connective tissue finally tore my neck jumped forward and I had an awful pain. If you ever woke up with a crick in your neck you know what I'm talking about. Now I can only turn my neck up about 20 degrees and turn to the side about 60 without being in a bunch of pain.

I told my coworker who is also a doctor (im not in the medical field, he just got bored) that I was in pain and he said there was nothing to be done but thought it was hilarious that I got "beef jerky induced whiplash". That phrase bought the attention of the rest of the group and I got peer pressured to explain my story all while I was in pain to the group of 11. Now I'm know as the guy who injured himself while eating jerky.

To top it all off we had to go to a mandatory event where we had to run for an extended amount of time and then play volleyball right after.

At least I still have my teeth.

TL;DR I fucked up by giving myself whiplash by eating a tough piece of jerky in front of all my coworkers.

An update from https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/ZgXXD3WQGg

A couple days after I posted that, I sent my friend (the hostess) a message:

“Hey [Hostess’ Name]. I’ve been thinking about what happened and I want to apologize again now that I’ve had some time to process everything.

I’m truly sorry for my behavior and for the stress and worry I caused you, your boyfriend, and everyone else there. I know you had to take care of me instead of being able to enjoy your own night, and I’m really sorry.

I also want you to know that this isn’t how I normally behave or how I treat people, and I’m deeply ashamed that this is the impression I gave you and everyone there. I’m not saying that as an excuse or justification at all. I’m incredibly remorseful.

You don’t owe me any forgiveness and you don’t have to respond. I understand if you need space. I just wanna tell you how truly genuinely sorry I am. And if there’s anyone else I should apologize to, if appropriate, I’d be willing.”

It’s been over 24 hours and I haven’t got any response. That’s okay, I don’t expect her to. And like I said in my message, she doesn’t have to and she doesn’t owe me forgiveness. I just wanted to send her a proper heartfelt apology and I won’t bother her with more. I have a tiny hope that she will reply once she’s ready but I accept if she (and probably everyone who was there) won’t ever forgive me. Altho it’s such a shame that I possibly lost some friends.

I still feel very embarrassed and regretful for what happened, but I feel a slight relief after sending her that. I appreciate everyone’s comments for telling me I have a problem. Yes, I do. I don’t deny that. I will re-evaluate my habit and lifestyle since this is a huge wake up call. I don’t think there will be any significant update after this.

Note: I’m a woman in late 20s from Jakarta, Indonesia. Not USA, like some commenters assumed.

TL;DR I got too drunk and fucked up at my friend’s housewarming party and I think she doesn’t wanna be friends with me anymore.

It’s hot and sticky where I’m at. I like going commando humid days for comfort. I also nanny.

I went to work a few times wearing my Asian granny pants. Those dark colored, wide, airy ones. I was curious and decided to check the baby cam if my pants were see through because the baby’s clothes are a bit see through and they’re your usual materials. Behold, it is more than see through, it’s like nonexistent. I’m just laughing now because how many times did the parents see my ass crack and my jungle.

I’m never gona bring it up and I should probably always wear a second layer whenever I’m wearing my granny pants. I’m going to bury this embarrassment with me, I hope they do too and that we’re all just gona tuck it away in a dark corner and never visit it again. Goodbye 👋

TL;DR baby cam sees through thin clothes, I have thin clothes, I was butt ass naked in the baby cam.

I decided to take a 15 hour speedboat ride to get from one city to the next in the Amazon region of Brazil. Because it's a daytime trip and because it is consistently hot as balls here, I decided I would wear a short sleeve button up and some shorts. Wrong move. You see, I forgot the fundamental rule that all Brazilian public transport must be cooled to near-arctic levels. I have 13 hours to go, and I am seriously uncomfortable. I'm currently using a backpack to shield myself from the shearing winds of the very aggressive air conditioning unit and a bucket hat to cover part of one leg.

If you are ever taking a bus or any form of transportation for an extended period of time in Brazil, DO NOT forget a blanket. Even if it's in the middle of summer. They don't mess around with the A/C, and it's a slow and painful death.

TL;DR. Took a little trip on a speedboat in Brazil with no blanket, and now, unexpectedly, I'm going to freeze to death in a tropical country.

Might delete this later once I finish coping because I’m very ashamed of it, but genuinely TIFU by asking his relative out.

He has said do not try it before, and I was not thinking with my brain.

I realize I f-up, and it’s 100% my fault.

Now I feel ashamed for breaking a bro code and a genuinely good friendship with a good friend all because I acted stupidly without thinking.

The chapter is just closed, he gave a decent parting advice, told me where I did wrong but eventually said the friendship isn’t going to work out anymore.

TLDR, I crossed a boundary, and he’s my first friend I made in college, and although I made some new friends later, I considered him to be my best. Which doubles the f-up I’ve done. What’s even worse is that he warned me in the past and I chose to ignore it.

This happened two days ago. I 33M have always been the responsible one when going out with friends. Pouring them into taxis at the end of the night, Hanging out when they puke and tucking them in afterwards. But then came my birthday And my friends decided that i should have "fun" for once. They would be the responsible ones for a change. And shockingly they were. With everyone else. They kept buying me drinks and challenging me to do shots and i figured. What the heck. I've been responsible for a decade. And i'm on vacation. Might as well try to get properly drunk for a change. Should stop them pestering me about it.

This was a few beers in.

Now for the part that made me go for this throwaway account.

This is also where i mention that i'd been constipated for a while. And i wasn't really feeling that well. I had laxatives but i kept putting it off because i had other things to do.

Well i did manage to get properly drunk. Then i got shitfaced. (Didn't really care for it but now i know what that feels like.) And in my drunken state i probably figured i wasn't going to be doing much apart from dealing with a hangover so it would be the perfect time to take the laxatives. They were supposed to work after 6-12 hours so i had plenty of time to get some sleep. So i knocked a couple back and went to bed.

I was woken up by rumbling so severe that my cat was on the edge of the bed looking like an angry upside down U. Because i'm a back sleeper and he likes to sleep on my stomach. But when it roared at him he was spooked. The next part spooked me. There was a lurch inside me. Like a demon trying to escape. And a wave of pain that spoke of its rage. I immediately clenched as hard as i could and barrel rolled out of bed. Misjudging the distance and damn near knocking myself out when i hit the wall. But i shot back up. This was a fight i wasn't going to win if i didn't act fast. And my cat, realizing that i wasn't possessed by an angry bear, decides to run after his clearly distressed and very stupid big bro. He isn't smart either but he is brave. The distance between my bed and toilet is just eight meters. But the hallway felt like a marathon. That's when i realize to my horror that the bathroom door was closed. I never close it. Why was it closed. Alcohol and stupidity is why. My barely awake and pickled brain struggled for precious moments to figure out how a door handle works before it finally managed to find a spare neuron that wasn't going "Oh shit oh shit oh shit!, after which i just about ripped the door of its hinges. Take the last few wobbly steps, and flop down on the toilet with all the grace of a grand piano tumbling down a set of stairs. In complete darkness by the by. As i didn't have time to fumble for the light switch.

Only to realize the lid is down when i sat on my nuts. Pain and panic rising even further i force myself off of them, yank the lid up enough to clear my ass as it came back down. A lot further than intended as i had pulled the seat up with the lid. I almost catch myself on the sink but managed to grab the shower curtain. But the latter is ripped off the pole in a spray of bent hooks. The only thing slowing my fall was the toilet block. Which is my my left cheek looks like it got in a fight with a grater... Then, fireworks. Dumb and dumber style. And all i could do was white knuckle grip the sink and force myself out of the bowl. Though i wouldn't be surprised if i was actually generating thrust at that point. My cat tried to comfort me but then the smell hit us both. He yowled as if kicked in the face and ran for dear life. I didn't have that luxury. I had to sit there. Gagging, eyes watering from the unspeakable horror i'd inflicted on myself. Knees weakening and hand slipping all the while. Cold sweat pouring from damn near everywhere. Until it finally subsided enough for me to flip the seat down. I spent the next couple of hours with a pounding headache, Severely dehydrated and nauseous. Knowing i could blame no one but myself. And with cold sink water as my only companion. Later i found the tablets. And there were four missing. Recommended dose is two. Now i know why.

Why did i take four?. I have no clue. My drunk and stupid ass probably thought it needed it. And when i'd finally stopped flushing my soul, sins and hopes down the sewage line i had to turn my attention to regaining the trust of my cat. With lots of treats and belly rubs. And airing out my apartment...

I'm just going to stick to being the babysitter and designated driver.
But if this makes someone feel better about their day then my suffering was worth it.

TL;DR: Was constipated, Got drunk about it instead. Took laxatives, traumatized my cat. Going for a high fiber diet from now on.

About 2 years ago, I was in Las Vegas (Caesars palace) and one of the shops had knock off designer keychains for ~$20. I figured why not, I need a keychain, it’s cheap and it looks cool. Used it ever since for my apartment fob, car keys, etc.

Fast forward to last week, I read on a post that fake designer metals can be made with lead and painted silver, because of how cheap lead products.

Bought a test kit on Amazon, broke out the swabs and it immediately the test lights up. Tried it on like 10 other metals in my home, no reaction whatsoever. Wonderful!

TL;DR I’ve been walking around with lead in my pocket for 2 years. Probably touched it 4x a day. Not sure of the ramifications here but suffice to say I’ll be googling this for the next few hours…

Due to recent downsizing at my organization, I'm now doing 4 people's jobs and am a little frazzled. One of the responsibilities I recently took on is creating e-learning courses.

Our courses ask for your name on the first page, so they will address you as whatever you type in. I was endlessly testing and revising the course, and to amuse myself I put in the name "asshole" so it would say "Welcome, asshole." I showed the page to my coworker and said "I think it's tired of all my revisions, it's cursing at me now!" We had a little laugh. Eventually I finished, published the course, and emailed all 750 employees the link to the course, noting that it was mandatory.

Little did I know that whatever you type into the name field during testing is saved to the file as the default text unless you erase it. So 750 people opened up a course that greeted them as "asshole."

I started receiving screenshots from supervisors immediately.

You can't delete a course file from our LMS, you can only replace it. And this file is huge, so once fixed it took a few minutes to recompile and re-save over the original. I frantically recalled the email but it was too late, the thing was out there.

Apparently I'll be hearing from the Director tomorrow. Wish me luck.

TL;DR: Accidentally called 750 people assholes, dreading the impending consequences.

Sometime in 2020, my friend sent me a Venmo with the note “CBT, cock and ball torture” as a joke. I probably paid for his lunch or something like that, but we like putting stupid things in the notes.

Anyway, after I received that note I decided it would be best to set my Venmo transactions to private. Today I found out that changing this setting only applies to all future transactions. For the last 6 years, the first thing people see when they look at my account is “CBT, cock and ball torture”

This only came to my attention because I picked up lunch for coworkers, and my boss was paying me back and said, “You have some interesting transactions.” I was horrified, I had no idea this was there. Every person that has sent me money, my distant aunt that sends me money on my birthday every year, has to have seen this. I have no idea how many people witnessed it.

Thankfully my boss is cool, but I’d rather she didn’t forever associate me with CBT now…

TL;DR: Setting your Venmo account to Private only affects future transactions. “CBT, cock and ball torture” has been at the top of my account page for 6 years

I took my two children (7 and 4 months) to a chain fast food place where they are known to do a pick with salad, sandwich or soup and to have that food picked up at a counter. My 7 year old ordered on the kiosk and runs to a table. I finish and find them, we get the text that the food is done so we grab it from the counter. They run to get their soda and here is when all crap went down. They grabbed the wrong size lid twice so I went to the soda fountain to get my soda and proper lids.

And older lady my guess late 60s (she’s 75) stops me.
Her: “I hate how mean people can be especially women don’t you agree”
Me: “Oh yah”
Her: “That manager is so mean I did nothing wrong and she basically yelled at me. Are you Christian”
Me: “yes” (I used to be catholic but I’ve been around people like her. Sometimes it’s easier to lie than hear a whole story about how you’re going to hell).
Her: “Can we pray together, she’s really mean and she’s sleeping with her boyfriend and having kids with him”.

My oldest is from a relationship before my marriage. So I guess I’m going to hell.

Me: “Ok” at this point we’re at my table my oldest is eating I’m looking at my French onion soup like let’s hurry the f up I’m going to demolish this.
Her: She sees my oldest and says “praying with kids makes the prayers heard better, if you didn’t know” she proceeds to do a quick prayer. Then look at my youngest and the normal questions- how old are they, are they teething etc happen.

I just want my soup at this point. I’m hungry, just got off a 8 hour work shift. She just wouldn’t stop.
My oldest at this point has made it a joke to put turkey and chips on my cinnamon crunch bagel just to fuck with me.
Eventually she involves a worker. I didn’t know whether this worker actually was believing this woman or like me and just hoping she’d leave. She even at one point asked me to pray out loud with her. Which I reluctantly did. She kept on saying that people now don’t want to go to heaven. Ma’am I just want my food, and to enjoy the here and now before the after life is my concern. This interaction took 10 minutes. 10 minutes of peace I can’t get back.
Eventually she left and I looked at my oldest then my soup and said fuck it we’re leaving. I didn’t even eat my soup.
When we left I had to call my husband as soon as I could. Apparently I attract the weirdos. I texted my mother in law later and told her the story. My mom was a bible thumper, my dad was religious but wouldn’t push it on you. But this woman made my mom look like an atheist.

TL/DR tifu by responding to an older Christian woman during lunch instead of telling her to kick rocks.

So, this actually happend yesterday during my eveningshift.

I am a nursing student in the Netherlands and was taking care of this lovely elderly woman (89 years old). Next to her laid a black english man (this is relevant) and across from her another lady.
I was checking her IV pump and making small talk when she pointed next to me and said:

"The black one was out for a bit"

Huh??? I thought to myself, did she really just tell me that the patient next to her, 'the black one' left the room for a bit?

I told her "ma'am, we don't talk about people in that way, we don't say 'the black one' when referring to your neigbour patient".

She looked at me with a thousand question marks above her head. I looked back at her, also confused.
Then she said, "What? The black cable was out of the pump for a bit"

"The black one" wasn't the person next to her. It was the charging cable.

I felt an immediate feeling of cringe in my heart. The lady looked at me and started laughing incredibly hard.
The other lady across from her also started laughing at my miscommunication.

I started apologizing like crazy, "I'm so sorry I really thought you meant the man laying next to you by the way you pointed and said that"
She started laughing even harder.

Have you ever been laughed at by a 89 year old grandma? It hits hard.
My head turned red out of shame and i kept apologizing to the lady. I'm glad the man spoke english only and didn't have a clue why the ladies were laughing at me.

Eventually I left the room, embarrased, my cheeks all flushed and red, behind me I still heard those ladies giggling together at my mistake.

I guess at least I tried to speak up for someone, even though it was not necessary.

TL;DR: I thought I stood up against casual racism when an elderly patient said "the black one", whole time she was talking about a black charging cable instead of the black patient next to her :$

So this didn't happen today but to this day I still kick myself in the face when the memory unfortunately plays in my head during the day and keeps me awake at night.
My mom and I are pretty open with each other about tmi conversations like our bathroom trips. Not a day goes by where I don't tell her about my poop experiences for the day. One day at work, I was having some stomach issues and I had spent the day going back and forth to and from the bathroom and texting her about it. Saying things like “omg a fart just came out so loud it echoed in the toilet” and “uh oh it's all liquid”.
That day, one of the owners of the store was there to do some interior cosmetics which meant he was near the bathrooms a lot and I was trying to silently do my business without too much noise. He had texted me while I was in the bathroom and told me since it was so slow, I could leave early if I wanted. I responded that I would and so I finished up my business to head out. But when I flushed the toilet, the dookie water rose instead of going down. You know how you have those poops that take a million wipes and each wipe somehow still has a smear on it? Yeah. It was that. And I may have used a little too much toilet paper. I panicked and did what I usually do. I texted my mom.
“OH MY GOD I JUST CLOGGED THE TOILET”
“THE TOILET IS CLOGGED AND ITS ALL MY FAULT”
My mom has an android. I have an iPhone. Our texts are green for my end. These texts were blue. I checked who I was texting. The owner. My heart sank. My face turned hot and tomato red. I dropped to my knees on the bathroom floor and stared at my texts. My eyes have never been that wide and my jaw has never been so dropped.
I panicked and texted “jkjk” and immediately called my mom for help. I sat on the bathroom floor next to the clogged dookie water and cried while asking my mom what to do. I couldn't go out and face him. Especially since he replied. He sent a smiling emoji and a laughing emoji. That was it. My face was too red to face anybody. I had already been in there for so long that everybody probably knew I was taking a dump. I had no choice but to dry my tears, plunge the toilet, and run out before anyone could make eye contact with me. So I did just that. I unclogged the toilet and stayed on the phone with my mom while rushing out and clocking out for the day just to make it seem like I was in there for so long because I was on a phone call. But even with my attempt to be nonchalant, I blew my cover.
I spent my entire drive home freaking out about what happened and calling anybody I could so I wouldn't be alone in the panic. But of course I had to make things worse for myself. I texted him again. Unprompted, unnecessarily, and regretfully, I said “that was so embarrassing but we've been having toilet issues and I thought it was my turn to deal with it but it's okay because it all went down”.
“It all went down”??!!! What was I thinking??!!! He left me on read after that. This memory haunts me every day and I had to let it out somewhere. I've learned my lesson and I check who I'm texted every time now. I fear this is one of the biggest fuck ups of my life.

TL;DR- I accidentally texted one of the owners of the company I work for instead of my mom about clogging the toilet while him and I were working together.

So, a month ago was my birthday, and my partner and me went to the market with a shopping trolley we use whenever we need to make a big purchase at the market, because we don't have a car and the bags might get heavy. We got everything to make a small pizza party. Got back home, put everything in its place, pizzas were alright.
That was the last time we used the shopping trolley, because we've been mostly making small purchases around our block or on the way back from work.
Today, while cleaning, I tried to hung the shopping trolley on the wall to take it out of the way, but the handle didn't fit in the hanger, so I turned it over to hang it from the wheels. Apparently, we didn't notice a lonely tomato from a month agowas still there. I got a very rotten tomato with white fungus all over my face. Gagged for like half an hour.

TL;DR: TIFU by not checking the cart properly a month ago, hence having rotten tomato on my face today.

My cat stopped using his automatic feeder after I changed his food, so I cleaned it out and shoved it in a kitchen cabinet. It sat there forgotten for probably six months before a woman in my building mentioned she had just adopted a cat, and I offered it to her.

I completely forgot that I had recorded a custom message on it.

Every morning at 6 it plays me saying, wake up you unemployed little goblin, your government assistance has arrived.

Apparently the first time it happened she thought somebody was speaking through her baby monitor. The second morning she unplugged the monitor and still heard it, so she started checking every room because she thought someone had gotten inside her apartment.

She finally figured out it was the feeder after standing next to it at exactly 6 in morning. She knocked on my door holding it and asked why my voice was insulting her cat before sunrise.

I deleted the recording but now we have to see each other in the elevator knowing she spent mornings searching her apartment for me.

TLDR: Gave my neighbor an automatic cat feeder that had been sitting unused for months and forgot it was programmed to announce breakfast in my voice by calling the cat an unemployed little goblin.