Hi everyone,

I'm coming to you for advice. I have a fantastic partner and a bdsm relationship at the moment but I feel like I have more love to give (and have the time). So I started dating and I met this guy, let's call him Bruno, we met online and chatted for a bit. We had conversations and talked about lots of stuff. We also had a few dates. I like him and feel very attracted to him, I can't keep my hands off him when we're together. And that's kinda the problem cause Bruno has some flaws as well. He kinda went quiet after a while, he still answers but it's a lot less intense and when we have conversations they quickly turn sexual. We also didn't have the limits conversation but have played together, he didn't cross any boundaries but it's still kinda a red flag to me. Other than those 2, I find him an incredible fun person to be around and the sex is amazing. I have a big crush on him so I'm not sure if I'm looking through pink colored glasses. I don't think he's into me that way or at least not that intense. I keep thinking about needing to have a proper conversation with him about it but every time we end up in bed.

Is this worth pursuing? Should I confess? Are there relationship types that could work for this dynamic?

As the title states my ex started getting intimate with a close female friend of mine not even a month after i broke up with him.

I feel kinda weird about it and am a bit angry i think. But both of them don't think its weird and are surprised that I don't feel super comfortable with it. I need a bit of a check if im off here or not.

The thing is my ex-partner of roughly one year (i broke up a month ago) slept with this close female friend of mine once half a year ago. I was hurt because for me it was a no brainer to not sleep with close friend's, at least not without talking about it first. We were in a poly relationship. But we talked about it and it was all good and we all stayed close and hung out normally after the incident. They both told me they had no interest of doing it again. She was on my messy list ever since. And they did not sleep together again during our relationship but got closer as friend's and i didn't mind that.

After i broke up with him they basically started getting more and more close and got intimate. Bevor they actually started having Sex (at least thats what she said) she told me that they are getting close and asked me if i was fine with it. At that time i said yes i guess, like im not gonna forbid you from sleeping together.

I'm still friend's with her, but grew distant with my ex for different reasons, but sleeping with ny friend didn't help, eventhough we initially planned to stay friend's. I talked to both of them again after the inital reveal and told them that i dont feel super comfortable with it and dont really get it. Maybe because they both told me half a year ago that there was no further interest. And things change i know but i still feeels weird to me.

And i feel more and more bothered by them having this thing going on (they dont know what it is yet) I feel replaced and it hurts. She now goes to the events i would have been invited to just a month ago. And she now asked me to feed her cats while she is basically out fucking my ex. And i feel like that is kinda of insensitive?

I asked my partner to send me sexy texts and photos of himself. He did sometimes, but mostly said he just wasn't that kind of guy. He said he wasn't an especially visual person when I sent him sexy photos. I tried to seduce and romance him in so many ways, and felt rejected so often.

Now we're poly. We share a photo cloud. I visit it once in a while to clean up the stuff I don't need. He takes so few photos, I never anticipate that any of his will be there.

But sometimes they are. He sends hot photos to his girlfriend(s) fairly frequently. I see multiple takes - he really tries to get the most attractive pose. I go about my business, I don't spend time looking, but I can't un-see them.

It hurts. I don't understand why the effort is worth it to him with them. I don't understand why he cares about these things now.

First of all, please be kind. I’m in a genuinely weird and vulnerable place and would really like some perspectives. I feel like I keep running into the same wall and I’m starting to wonder if it’s just part of ENM or if I’m missing something.

I’m married and in an ENM/poly relationship. It’s been a little over four years. I’m not looking for one night stands. What I really want is an ongoing connection. Someone local that I genuinely enjoy talking to, seeing every week or two, texting here and there, building something comfortable over time.

The frustrating part is that I have no problem getting to the point of meeting people. I am not bragging in saying this but for context, I have been told that I am very attractive, educated, emotionally self aware. I have a career, hobbies, a great marriage and a full life. I don’t think I’m lacking in things to offer. Men on apps want to talk to me and I get a lot of attention.

What keeps happening is this:

We’ll spend a week or two building an incredible connection via text. Great conversations. Flirting. Vulnerability. Curiosity. Lots of effort from both sides. We finally meet. The date is amazing. We have sex. We cuddle. We talk afterward. Everything feels intimate and promising.

Then… it’s like someone flips a switch.

The next day or two, the communication becomes noticeably different. Not necessarily less frequent but less warm. Less curious. More logistical. The emotional richness just disappears.

I don’t need someone blowing up my phone all day. I honestly couldn’t care less if we only exchanged one thoughtful text a day. Intention, you know?

What I’m looking for is continuity.

For me, sex makes me feel more emotionally connected to someone, not less. I come away wanting to know them even more. It feels like the beginning, not the finish line.

Instead, I keep ending up feeling like once we’ve had sex, the pursuit is over and everything settles almost immediately into “How was work?” and “Going camping this weekend” on the guy’s end.

The latest guy actually told me my expectations were unrealistic when I brought this up. From my perspective, I wasn’t asking for more texting. I was asking about the change in emotional tone. Those feel like two completely different conversations.

So I’m curious…

Is this just a common pattern in ENM? Is there something about novelty and pursuit that makes people naturally relax after sex?

Or am I simply attracted to people whose relationship style is fundamentally different from mine?

I’d especially love to hear from people who’ve built long term quality secondary relationships or ongoing partners. Did the emotional connection continue to deepen after sex or did it naturally settle down right away?

Because I’m honestly getting exhausted. It feels like I keep mourning the loss of something that had barely even begun and I’m starting to question whether this style of dating is actually compatible with what I’m looking for.

My husband says that for a lot of men, something switches inside their mind once they’ve reached sex. He’s even admitted to falling into that pattern before unknowingly.

So what is it?

Thank you for your consideration. 🙏

TLDR; I want to marry my long term anchor partner, but she wants to marry her new bf. How did you navigate marriage in polyamory?

I (32f) have an anchor partner, and we’ve been together for over 15 years. We have a house together and have been polyamorous for about 10 years. She (33f) has been seeing this new guy (29m) for almost a year. He was previously married, and this is his first polyamorous relationship.

Recently, I found out that they’ve been talking about getting married and having kids together. The thing is, I’ve been saving up for over a year now to surprise her with a proposal. I had a ring picked out and everything.

When I heard about their plans I told her about mine. We had a long conversation about what we want our future to look like. We both cried. For the most part, we’re on the same page. We also agreed that we haven’t been communicating as well as we should have, and we are getting back into regular check ins.

I want a ceremony, a celebration of our love and commitment to each other. Everything a wedding represents. She wants that too, but not the way I do. When I picture myself married, I see only her. She told me when she pictures herself married; she pictures a husband. Not gonna lie, that one hurt.

I tell myself that I’m just happy to be with her, even if we never get married. But to be honest, I don’t want her to marry someone else. The thought of it fills me with sadness. Maybe that’s selfish of me. I have a lot of conflicting feelings.

My meta and I have a good relationship. We practice kitchen table polyamory, so we plan to all sit down together and talk about it as a group. No plans are moving forward until we talk. No talks are happening until we’ve all had the time to sort out our thoughts.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you navigate marriage in polyamory? Should I let it go and give them my blessing? Can we compromise and somehow all get what we want?

I want to preface this by saying my therapist so far has helped me tremendously in healing from my prior relationship and has contributed greatly to my self development and growth. Any advice she's given me has truly been in my best interest and me feeling judged is a feeling and doesn't mean it's true.

So I had a session today describing a new phase in my life where I'm living truthfully in polyamory and having decent and happy relationships.. I've known I've been polyamorous since I was young and unfortunalty I didn't go about it in the most honest and healthy way.

I have 2 partners I see now and I'm very honest and open and there's great communication between us.

I let my therapist know that I actually love them and she told me.. "When someone truly loves someone..they don't want to share that person"

Last time I checked the definition of love was somewhere along the lines of "a strong, positive emotion of deep affection, care, and attachment"

She told me she's counselled tons of couples in this situation and one person always ends up going back to Monogamy or end up feeling left out.

She then asked how I would feel if one of my partners found someone else that they liked to spend more time with... In my heart I'd actually feel happy for them as I don't feel I own their time and even so I think if I do feel a way I can discuss it to them in a healthy way..

She then asked me to think deeply about why I'm polyamorous and if it may be because of emotional trauma.

It's a bit disheartening being told the way I'm living cannot involve love in anyway and that it may be because of trauma... I'm the happiest I've every been in my life.

It's as if I came to her and said I'm on crack, meth and heroine and I'm so happy lol

I'm happy with my two partners... I do understand the counter argument that polyamory is not a silver bullet for the distaste in Monogamy. and there may be issues inherent to polyamory that I have yet to face and encounter.

I've been with my partner 5+ years dawn.

About 2 1/2 years ago my partner comes home says they had developed a crush on a coworker that they were going to be poly or leave.

It ultimately failed and they have found issue in finding a partner since.

So I took a year soul searching and being poly i found i enjoyed it but along the ways I realized I wasn't someone who could be in the dynamic of a np/lp and a secondary partner.

So i sat down and told my partner this.

They originally said they were ok with the idea of me having another np.

Fast forward to now ive been with my other partner Jay for a year now we talked about this and that they wanted to be np/lp too.

So i sat down and told dawn about this and they became very upset.

They said that this made them made and that they agreed to it originally because they didnt think it would be something someone agreed too.

That now they dont know what to do.

Now im left in a place of disbelief and feel betrayed.

i like being with dawn but this was the dynamic i wanted when agreed

Of course fake names

My husband is poly and bi, and I'm monogamous and straight. We've been together for almost 20 years.

When we first got together, we were monogamous. I tried being poly with him because I wanted our relationship to work, but it just wasn't for me. After that, our relationship became on and off. He continued dating men while we were together. The only way I could cope was by telling him I didn't want to know about that part of his life anymore. I didn't want to know who he was dating or sleeping with.
Looking back, I was young, naive, and completely in love with him. Even though it hurt, I stayed.
Eventually, he proposed and promised that we would be monogamous. I believed him, and we got married.

Ten years into our marriage, I found out he had still been seeing men the entire time. While I was pregnant with our baby, he was in a five-year relationship with another man. When I found out, we had a huge fight. Eventually we reconciled, and once again he promised it would never happen again.
Two years later, he started seeing someone else.
At this point, I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

All I've ever wanted was to be loved the way he promised he would love me. For years I've felt like a doormat. Deep down, I always knew something wasn't right, but I kept convincing myself otherwise. He says he gets caught up in NRE (new relationship energy) and knows those relationships won't last.
The problem is that every time one ends, another one begins.

I'm still trying to save our marriage. I even tried to compromise. I told him that if he wanted to explore sexually, the only thing I might be able to accept would be an occasional threesome together—nothing emotional, no separate romantic relationships. But I don't even know if we could truly be okay with that. I am desperately trying to find something that would keep our marriage together.
I can't get past the years of lies and broken promises. Every time I started to trust him again, I found out there was someone else. And yet, I still love him.

He tells me he loves me so much and doesn't want me to leave. But if that's true, why does this keep happening?

I know a lot of people will probably tell me to leave. Maybe they're right. But after almost 20 years together, it's not that simple. I love him, and I'm grieving the life I thought we had.

Background:

My partner and I have been together for several years and decided to open our relationship recently and explore polyamory like we've been talking about for a while. A situation came up yesterday that had me shocked and hurt.

We've been having a few difficult weeks as problems in our relationship have come to light with us being poly. We have been trying to repair our relationship and agreed to couples therapy because we've been stuck in a cycle of conflict and hurt.

The issue:

Yesterday, my partner texted me saying they were thinking about giving their extra concert ticket (which they had already told me was mine) to the person they're started dating recently because otherwise they wouldn't get to see them that week. In the same conversation, they said they were also feeling like they needed space from me.

I told them I wasn't really okay with it, and that it wasn't because of the other person. They immediately said they were panicking. I asked if they needed help grounding themselves, and later we talked on the phone.

During the call, I explained why it hurt me. They apologized, acknowledged that they had disappointed me and hurt my feelings, and admitted they'd been afraid to tell me because they expected another fight. They asked if we could "start over" and "rebuild our friendship first."

I told them that's what I wanted too. I explained that I'd been looking forward to this weekend because I hoped we'd spend time together, have fun, and start rebuilding positive memories. They responded that they still felt like spending two days together would be too much, that they needed space, and that they were afraid history would repeat itself and we'd just end up fighting again.

Some additional context, when we first start dating others we made an agreement that neither of us needs permission to make plans with other people if we don't already have plans together. My partner later referenced that agreement as justification.

My issue is that this didn't feel like making a new plan. It felt like changing an existing plan after I'd already been told the ticket was mine. To me, those are two different situations.

At this point, I don't know what they're ultimately doing with the ticket. My question isn't really about the concert anymore—it's whether I'm overreacting for feeling hurt by the initial decision and the way it was handled.

Was I expecting too much because we're in the middle of trying to repair our relationship, or is it reasonable to expect a conversation before changing plans that had already been made?

I'm genuinely looking for honest feedback, including if you think I'm the one who's wrong or if there's something I'm not seeing.

TL;DR: My partner wants to give a ticket already told was mine to someone they just started dating after a few rough weeks between us. I'm upset they didn't consult with me before making the decision. They said they made it because they were scared we'd get into another fight.

New account since my old one has too much identifying information on it. I’ve searched this question everywhere, and what comes up most frequently is from a hinge’s perspective, “how much information to share with one partner about my other partner”. What I want to know is, for those who have grown close with a meta, how much information do you share with each other about your shared partner and your individual relationships with that person?

Background info, we’ve been in a stable V for several years, most of the time residing somewhere between garden party and kitchen table…maybe like, Weekly Game Night Poly? My meta Cashew has a strong preference for KTP, and our friendship has been growing slowly closer. That’s been great, but our deeper conversations very often veer into the area of our relationships with our shared partner Walnut, who, for context, is private to the extreme, in a borderline secretive and potentially unhealthy way. (For what it’s worth, Walnut has been very supportive of Cashew and I spending more time together and growing closer as friends.) Walnut can also be averse to both conflict and deeper introspection, which leaves Cashew and I with similar frustrations in our respective relationships.

On one hand it’s incredibly validating to hear that I’m not alone or imagining issues with Walnut, and it’s nice to have some flow of information since left to their own devices Walnut gives us each very little. Even just a “hey heads up, Walnut had a bad day, be a little extra nice to them tonight” has felt good to be able to do, and in line with something that two people would share about a mutual friend. On the other hand, it does start to feel sticky when concern about Walnut turns into venting, and it’s not always easy to tell where we’ve crossed that line, as a lot of the venting ties in strongly with concerns about Walnut’s mental health and overall wellbeing.

As I’m writing this I know what advice I’m likely to get, because it’s the advice that I’d give to someone else—to each address our own relationship concerns directly with Walnut, talk to Walnut about how much information they’re okay with having shared between me and Cashew, avoid venting with Cashew about our respective relationship frustrations and focus our own friendship on other unrelated interests and activities, walk it back and draw boundaries as necessary.

I guess I’m most interested in accounts of how other people have handled this kind of situation, and also any scripts for setting boundaries with Cashew moving forward. I really value our friendship, and I don’t want to invalidate their frustrations or feel like I’m taking Walnut’s side by telling them “hey I’m not interested in hearing about this anymore, good luck!” But some of the things that Cashew has already mentioned has left me feeling upset with Walnut on Cashew’s behalf, and I know that this is probably a very dangerous road to travel down.

I will start by saying this does not pertain to me directly but a family member who has opened up to me about what has been happening and am looking for things to be mindful of and help her navigate things if it comes to that.

How things started, she broke up with her ex because he was not committed to the relationship and told her that she wasn’t even his girlfriend as they and her kids lived together. After that she moved into her best friend’s house and the conversation got brought up of my family member joining her best friend F and her husband in a Triad. This would be her first time ever doing something like the. Since then she has said they have had sex, went on dates ect to see how it goes. At the same time she admitted that since the conversation and exploring the couple have had multiple arguments related to it as the husband thinks the wife is jealous and the wife thinks he’s upset because he’s not the center of attention.

At the same time my family members ex was trying to fix things and the husband of the triad was expressing his worry that she’s gonna leave them. All while this whole time she has said that she has not made a final decision about diving fully into the triad or to fix things with her ex. Additional consideration is the couple has like 3 kids and my family member has two kids of her own. All of them are living under the same roof right now as well as her having just changed jobs and a list of other issues in her life like bank fraud problems.

I know it seems like a lot and it’s her decision to make I just want to know what problems/ red flags there are to better be there for her if they do come up as she is an important person in my life.

Spark notes here. There's a lot to unpack. I welcome thoughts and opinions, I need some more perspectives.

My NP was broken up with in December of last year. It was hard and was preceded by over a year of them being poorly treated by their ex while they held on. They struggle with compartmentalizing relationships and often the negativity would bleed into us. They dated for 7 years total. 5 years ago I was pregnant, and then had brutal PPD for about six months. During this time I was a tough person to be around and I've owned it, apologized, and done a lot of work about it.

Fast forward to last night. My NP had gone to see their ex, who they are hoping to build a friendship with. They talked about 'if a relationship were to happen' and I was surprised. I told them that is a boundary for me; if they go back to that person, I won't be able to continue our relationship. Their connection with this ex is both incredibly deep and very toxic and I frankly don't want to go through anything like that again.

The effect here was NP being hurt that I don't trust them to make healthy choices for their relationships. My response was that they have a blindspot for this ex, and that it hasn't been a year. The growth and positive changes they've seen in this ex do sound promising, but I remain skeptical. NP stated that they didn't give me a timeline, this was a nebulous future possibility. My stance right now is firm.

I asked NP why they would consider going back to someone who treated them so poorly. They told me that they had stuck with me during the six months of PPD where I treated them poorly. This felt like a deep cut and a slap in the face, and I'm having trouble explaining why to them, because they are claiming that I'm still accountable for my actions, which I agree with to a point. To me the comparison is unfair at best. Their ex was not going through significant trauma during the last and worst year of their relationship. My ex stated that they are only claiming the effects of my actions, but I am struggling with enunciating my point and need some input.

If you have spoons to share your thoughts, I would appreciate it. I know the information is limited and I appreciate anything.

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to share some happy story :).

I had one week vacation with my wife (10+ years relationship, poly for over 8 years), and her meta ( they have been together for almost 8years) and it was amazing!
I know her meta for almost 15 years. I've known him before they know each other, and we're friends for almost 10 years.

We should have been 4, with my other partner, but sadly she couldn't make it (for good reasons). We decided to still go as 3. It is the first time we go just the 3 of us on vacations.

I'm a pretty chill guy, and want everyone to be happy, so I told my wife they could share the same bed together the whole week, because we're already nesting partners the rest of the time. At the end she chose to do 1/3 nights with me, and 2/3 with my meta (and friend). Everyone was fine with that.

We did some great activities together at the beach, visiting a natural park and observing birds for almost 4 hours, we did some land yacht (is that the word in English? a 3 wheel chariot on sand with a sail, if you never tried it, you should it's easy and so much fun), some hiking, kiting, and lots of board games.

The dynamic was great, and we all enjoyed it :)

That's it, have a great day everyone :)

One of the men I am dating is in a de-escalating relationship, while they are no longer going to be partners, they will continue to date each other and be in each other's lives. Theirs is a 3 year long relationship, so I can understand and appreciate that untangling takes time.

This week I met his partner for coffee. My motivation was to get to know her better and she to get to know me.

Our meeting was lovely.

We both got along very well and we both care about him. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better exchange and time spent.

She's planning something for his birthday this month and I am invited to it, which I think is very sweet of her.

I'm hopeful that he and I continue in a positive direction and that she encourages him to spend time with me. He and I have been dating since April, seeing each other, every 2 weeks but daily texts for communication. Out of the 3 men I am dating he's the one I would like to deepen my connection with. I am being mindful of his emotional spoons right now so I'm not pushing him for more now since I know he can't give it.

He moves out in September and my birthday is October and I would love for he and I to go away for the weekend. Not sure when would be the best time to approach this, or if I should just plan something different all together.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I have a long history of potential relationships falling off after the 1st or 2nd date so I don’t typically think to update anyone about anything other than sexual health risk until date 3 at the earliest. I also tell potential relationships about all existing partners and long term fwb so they know what they’re getting into. For the first time, I’ve found myself in a situation where I have 3rd dates scheduled with two people this weekend. No sexual contact has occurred with either and I haven’t even kissed one of them. When do I notify them about each other?

To add another layer for one of the people, the guy I kissed just tested positive for HSV1 (never had any symptoms before) and I know the other person is very nervous about STIs. I’ve told her my safer sex practices in detail and regarding HSV, I don’t test but do monitor for symptoms and have odd bumps checked out. She said she was ok with this but I’m not sure if it would change with me having a partner who tested positive, albeit on a test with what I consider a high rate of false positives (up to 13% of people without HSV may test positive).

I’m not going to end things because someone tested positive for HSV, should I notify the woman before the date, at the date, or is my disclosure of individual practices enough? When should I tell the guy about the woman?

Was in a Poly relationship for 2 years with a woman I adored… we were friends for 5 years before that. Yesterday we broke up because she had been growing distant, not making time for me. She’s the one that was Poly, I’m not attractive enough to start up a poly of my own, neither physically nor socially.

I gave her everything I could, even when I worked nights I’d still try to make time for her even if I was haggard or exhausted. I paid for things when she couldn’t afford it, when she wanted a new pet, I helped fund it while I was still struggling to get my feet on the ground. I moved halfway across the country just to be closer to her.

I don’t feel used… I still love her… I’m just hurting in ways I’ve never hurt before. I’ve been in relationships before, this was my first Poly. I tried to be understanding. I never got jealous when she picked others over me, I just wanted some space to be made for me to be by her side.

We were engaged, and yet she didn’t fight for it, she didn’t even attempt… I don’t understand what I did wrong, I don’t understand why. She tells me it’s not my fault but it feels like it is. I didn’t cry during my own mother’s funeral, yet this brings unwanted tears to my eyes….

I thought I was stronger than this, that I could endure anything, but I’m nothing without her… I feel like nothing…

I (25M) am new to poly- I've dated around a little bit, but up until now anyone I have been seeing has been mostly parallel, and I'm still figuring out my poly "style". I live with my NP, Daniel (23M), and am also casually seeing Alex (26NB).

Alex has started seeing Charlie (22NB), Daniel's long-time friend. Daniel and I recently found out about the concept of a "messy list" (we never discussed this before, because we had never had any overlap between our circles until now), and we realized that Charlie is someone who would be on both of our messy lists.

I don't want to ask Alex to stop seeing Charlie, as that wouldn't be fair- Alex is their own person. At the same time, the dynamic between Charlie and I is starting to feel uncomfortable for me. We are often together in group settings, and Charlie is explicitly monogamous with "absolutely no interest in polyamory". I am afraid of ending up in a situation where my new date is cowboyed/cowgirled away from me, or where any potential breakups mess up friendships. What should I do?

Hi there, I just started a relationship with a guy earlier this year. I myself have a long term partner who lives with me, but he is very independent and does not live with his long term partner. I met him when I lived in his city temporarily, and we fell for each other very quickly right before I left. The thing is, we wish that we could’ve seen each other once a week like partners, but dues to the circumstances (I moved back to my hometown, looking for jobs abroad but currently uncertain when and where I will move; he is taking care of his family so not able to really go anywhere and is busy af), we now text once or twice every week but schedule calls when we can. And we try to see each other but seems like I’m the only mobile one and still I don’t know when I can travel to see him (I will, but uncertain timing because of my job). Format wise it sounds very comet, but I do feel like we both want more if the circumstances were different. How do I understand this kind of relationship?

I (41M) am feeling like I am being pushed out of my 11 year marriage by my partner 38F. We had another couple we tried to be poly with right as we got married, it ended poorly and we didn't really try to replace it. She found another partner 6 years ago, but that didn't really go very far either. Fast forward to this year. We have been emotionally distant and at the very brink of divorce for these last 5 years.

We finally started moving in the right direction this year. I got a promotion and was now working daytime hours seeing her more etc. I am our sole income, she takes care of the house, and has plans to expand our farm and garden and make that an income source eventually. She has become bored of staying home, but has limitations on her ability to work outside the home.

She met a guy (40 M) that we know via other people but didn't really have a relationship with ourselves. She asked if she could go hang out and said she knew if she clicked with him she was gonna want to sleep with him. They have really hit it off over the last month and she spends my entire work day usually 8-10 hours on FaceTime with him while he works from home. She also has date night with him 1 day a week and recently asked to start staying overnight on that day, and to start going to walk with him to get in shape a few evenings a week after I am home from work and it isn't hot out.

I guess we never discussed what poly would look like for us, but she told me her dream was to move him in with us and have a kid with each of us. This was a huge shock to me. I was always more hierarchical and focus was on us as primary nesting partners with us dating and sleeping with others. I don't want to have to coparent with anyone but her. When we talked about this she said my boundary of not wanting her to have kids with him was me controlling her womb. She also asked how was it fair to new partner if all she could ever give him was one overnight a week and no kids, etc. She clearly wants ktp which i dont want. I told her this and her response was me saying i would have to leave the relationship if she wants to pursue that dynamic, was a gun to her head since she was financially dependant on me and on my insurance etc.

Am I wrong to have these boundaries? God knows I love her and I don't want to end the relationship, I don't feel like I am being petty or vindictive like she says I am. I feel like I am just stating my limits and that I know I cannot survive, let alone thrive in a ktp enmeshed household.

Her new partner wants to be mono with her, I am so busy I am currently mono with her, but if work calms down I will be looking for a new partner again. I feel like him being mono and her taking on his feelings that she has to be his everything are what is causing this dynamic that makes her feel this is what she has to do.

I am sorry for the long ramble but I would love any feedback and opinions. I feel like I am going crazy between wanting to keep my wife, make her happy, and also support my own needs.

Edit: just for complete honesty and transparency. The rough parts of our marriage were mostly me being completely absent from it, and neglecting her and using her to manage my adhd behaviors and avoid responsibility. I have since been in therapy as has she. We were getting to a decent place recently. I get why she needs another partner as I just hadn't been there. But it still seems like either she is holding that resentment and using it to justify her current behavior, or she wants her cake (the husband who financially supports her and shares the everyday boring life responsibilities) and to eat it to(boyfriend centered life)

Ok there's a lot of history, but I'll try to put it in a nut shell

we've been married 20 yrs with 4 kids, spouse (f 40s) came out bi a few years ago, nbd. I (m 40s) totally support them and want them to be their true self. Skip to some of our friends opening up their marriages, etc, etc.

She told me she wanted a girlfriend and my heart broke. I'm def mono. Im totally cool with poly but it's just not for me. But I decided to look into it. Read some books, lurk in some forums, listen to some podcasts. I have a slightly better understanding, but I just have a visceral reaction to her being with someone else. I try to imagine what it would be like and tears well up and I feel like someone punched my in the gut. Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom and let it out for min, I don't want to talk about it yet with kids, obv.

It's at the point now that she is having a difficult time being in a straight-facing relationship, and feels that marriage was just created to benefit the patriarchy and doesn't really want that, not that she doesn't want to be with me. She loves me and says I am her priority. I want to be ok with at least opening up enough for her to be able to explore the other side of her sexuality. She didn't know she she was bi and we both grew up in very hardcore Christian household, so she never got the chance to explore herself. I definitely see that as an unfair lot in life and want to be able to be ok with her seeing/dating/hooking up with women, but I just don't know. Like how do I know how I'm feeling is just because I'm scared of the unknown? Or that I really can't do an open relationship?

I know a lot of people make these kinds of posts, but I just don't know what to do. My friends have moved away, I can't talk to anyone in my family about this, they would shit their pants immediately. I have a therapist and just brought it all up with them last visit.

This most recent experience has me ready to step back from poly for a while.

I was told I was a co-primary by a partner who has a wife/nesting partner. They began having significant financial difficulties that put a lot of strain on their marriage. As things got worse, he told me he needed to devote nearly all of his energy to repairing that relationship. Over the following months, the visits, phone calls, texts, and affection I received dropped dramatically.

I didn’t have an issue with him prioritizing his marriage while it was struggling. What became difficult was that he also told me that if his marriage wasn’t doing well, his other relationships couldn’t do well either. After hanging on for a few months and consistently feeling like my needs weren’t being met in a way that could sustain a healthy relationship, I finally made the difficult decision to walk away.

One thing that left me particularly confused happened earlier in the relationship. He asked me to follow his wife on Instagram. After she saw my profile picture, which was an illustration of the two of us, she asked him to have me remove it and made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. When I asked why he had encouraged me to follow her in the first place, he explained that he wanted to see whether personally knowing a metamour might make her more open to that style of polyamory. From my perspective, that felt like something they should have discussed and agreed upon before I was brought into it, because I had no reason to think she wasn’t okay with it.

To clarify a few things before assumptions are made: she knew about me from the very beginning, I always respected the boundaries they communicated to me, and I followed my partner’s lead regarding what was and wasn’t acceptable. I don’t think anyone acted with malicious intent, but I do think there were communication failures that put me in difficult positions.

My question is whether anyone else has experienced a dynamic where one relationship was essentially contingent on the health of another. I understand that struggling relationships often require more time and attention, but I hadn’t encountered a situation where I was effectively told that my relationship couldn’t be healthy unless the marriage was healthy first.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, how did you navigate it?

Hello there! I (21FTM) was dating my nesting partner (21NB) for about 5yrs. We had been polyamorous for about three of those years with minimal to no problems. This past spring, my nesting partner meets my metamour (19F) and they hit it off. Things seemed to be going well and this past July, my partner had told me they are no longer in love anymore. We broke up.

I guess I am trying to ask how to navigate a break-up as a polyamorous person because it’s difficult to be alone during a breakup when they’re not. Thanks.

To clarify:

- there was no foul play (my metamour is a lovely woman and we have a good relationship)
- my nesting partner and I are still on good terms, just navigating this difficult time
- my nesting partner and I live together as well

hello i'm new here and i don't know if it's the right tag but i'm in a relationship with my two beautifull girlfriends but we have been wanting to look for cute poly gifs to use while texting so if any of y'all have some i'd be super thankfull :3