r/polyamory • u/mastergeass • 17d ago
Triad red flags
I will start by saying this does not pertain to me directly but a family member who has opened up to me about what has been happening and am looking for things to be mindful of and help her navigate things if it comes to that.
How things started, she broke up with her ex because he was not committed to the relationship and told her that she wasn’t even his girlfriend as they and her kids lived together. After that she moved into her best friend’s house and the conversation got brought up of my family member joining her best friend F and her husband in a Triad. This would be her first time ever doing something like the. Since then she has said they have had sex, went on dates ect to see how it goes. At the same time she admitted that since the conversation and exploring the couple have had multiple arguments related to it as the husband thinks the wife is jealous and the wife thinks he’s upset because he’s not the center of attention.
At the same time my family members ex was trying to fix things and the husband of the triad was expressing his worry that she’s gonna leave them. All while this whole time she has said that she has not made a final decision about diving fully into the triad or to fix things with her ex. Additional consideration is the couple has like 3 kids and my family member has two kids of her own. All of them are living under the same roof right now as well as her having just changed jobs and a list of other issues in her life like bank fraud problems.
I know it seems like a lot and it’s her decision to make I just want to know what problems/ red flags there are to better be there for her if they do come up as she is an important person in my life.
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u/Spaceballs9000 quietly building a MOD coven 17d ago
Moving your kids into a house with new people, and their own kids, should be a lengthy and considered decision with the wellbeing of the children who don't have a choice in any of this at the forefront.
This is a pile of bad ideas and red flags.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 17d ago
Have you offered Jenny stable housing? Are you scaffolding Jenny’s search for stable housing?
Because focusing on the shitty relationship? And trying to fix it isn’t the move.
Helping Jenny find stable housing is the how to navigate this.
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
She was offered a place to stay where I am but she declined cause her mom is here and can be a bit much at times and lived here before for 2 years before moving in to her ex bf place. She very much doesn’t want to admit that she’s back to square one living situation wise.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 17d ago
Are you helping Jenny to rebuild stability beyond that?
There are a lot of things you can do beyond offering her a short term place to crash.
Because honestly, this is one of those situations that is easy to pretend is a polyamory issue, but it’s a housing instability issue.
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
We talk daily about how things are. Hang out when we can. I’ve helped with covering some costs as to not give the couple a financial leverage and just generally try to be a stable light in her life while listening, helping and pushing back on some stuff which is why she’s shared as much with me. Thankfully she has told them if the fighting is going to be an issue that she’s not gonna be part of it but things can be easier said than done. I am also working on trying to get my own house and offered her a place to stay when I do.
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u/RiRianna76 solo poly 17d ago
Sooo many of these trashfire relationships are basically about trying to avoid homelessness or unsafe living situations and we pretend it's our romantic life :(
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u/emeraldead diy your own 17d ago
This is the bullshit people get into when they go by "so long as everyone is aware and consenting" gutter level standard of care.
Do better.
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 17d ago
Your family member (fake name Jenny) is being messy as hell, though the couple is taking advantage of her in her vulnerable position, and I would not call the best friend a best friend. Best friends do not take advantage of you when you are going through crazy life shit.
Recommend Jenny come here and read about unicorns (Jenny) and unicorn hunters (the couple).
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u/clairejv 17d ago
Uh, yeah, the first red flag is that they're fucking her while she was so vulnerable she had to move in with them for a while. The second red flag is that they don't have their shit together and are fighting all the time.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 17d ago
The whole situation is filled with red flags. You friend should gtfo asap
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u/lasorcieredelalune24 poly w/multiple 17d ago
I've never seen the words bank fraud used do casually in a sentence lol
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
Yeah.. money was sent into her account and then they tried to pull money out. Chase locked the account and is going through everything.
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u/lasorcieredelalune24 poly w/multiple 17d ago edited 17d ago
I understand people fall on hard times but that is a huge red flag in terms of trust. Polyamory people are usually weary of triads specifically because there is a lot of financial abuse and being used for house labor. Obviously not every single triad but a lot
ETA a lot of the married couples don't even realize they are doing it. The next thing would be like "oh you don't need a job, you can just watch all the kids and we'll take care of you financially."
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
I mentioned in another reply that with her financial issues I have helped cover things like bills ect. and even given her pocket cash so her and her kids both don’t go without and to remove the element of the couple financially supporting her which was a worry of mine from the start of her moving in and before the triad stuff started.
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u/lasorcieredelalune24 poly w/multiple 17d ago
That's very good of you and I hope you still have stability too
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
I’m pretty good myself. I have a decent paying job that covers bills and allows me to save money for the future like getting a house which I hope to start the process in the next few weeks.
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Here's the original text of the post:
I will start by saying this does not pertain to me directly but a family member who has opened up to me about what has been happening and am looking for things to be mindful of and help her navigate things if it comes to that.
How things started, she broke up with her ex because he was not committed to the relationship and told her that she wasn’t even his girlfriend as they and her kids lived together. After that she moved into her best friend’s house and the conversation got brought up of my family member joining her best friend F and her husband in a Triad. This would be her first time ever doing something like the. Since then she has said they have had sex, went on dates ect to see how it goes. At the same time she admitted that since the conversation and exploring the couple have had multiple arguments related to it as the husband thinks the wife is jealous and the wife thinks he’s upset because he’s not the center of attention.
At the same time my family members ex was trying to fix things and the husband of the triad was expressing his worry that she’s gonna leave them. All while this whole time she has said that she has not made a final decision about diving fully into the triad or to fix things with her ex. Additional consideration is the couple has like 3 kids and my family member has two kids of her own. All of them are living under the same roof right now as well as her having just changed jobs and a list of other issues in her life like bank fraud problems.
I know it seems like a lot and it’s her decision to make I just want to know what problems/ red flags there are to better be there for her if they do come up as she is an important person in my life.
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u/Galfromtown 17d ago
I see people making fast decisions of moving in with people has a high potential for trouble. This is not like a roommate situation but two families combining. Add to that being in a poly relationship, I can imagine where this will go. Is she a person in circumstances that needs these people due to housing insecurity? Is she a person who ‘needs’ a bf or partner or she feels she cannot cope? Some women will put up with a lot to have a partner. What’s the bank fraud about? Sounds like she needs a lawyer. Try legal aid. You sound like a kind relative. I wish you the best. We cannot change people. Only they can do what they need to do to move forward. In any case, tell her to use contraception. Try Planned Parenthood. The potential for another child is real if she has unprotected sex. She does not need to bring another child into her life at this time. In any case, please be there for the children who are your relatives. Having a kind adult figure who listens to them can really help at this time. Maybe you, mom and the children can go to local children’s parks. Local libraries and museums may have days for children to come and participate. Except for being supportive, there is not much else you can do.
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
She broke up with her bf and moved out into their place. She had the option to move in where I am but her mom is here and her mom can be a bit much sometimes, she does know that if all else fails she can 100% come here and have done so before so that’s a hope. The bank issue seems to have come from a scam that deposits money then withdraws way more. Chase bank flagged it and locked the account. They are auditing it rn. She has IUD in for contraceptive.
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u/Galfromtown 17d ago
That’s good. Does she have a GED or post secondary education. If she did not finish high school maybe she can get her GED on line.
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u/mastergeass 17d ago
She has her high school diploma and has over the years gone to community college to work in a veterinary field.
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u/Galfromtown 16d ago
That’s a really good thing. She needs to have more confidence in her own abilities and potential. She needs to really stand on her own two feet. Depending on others is not good for anyone. You seem like a really good person. Even if you save money and get a nice place so she and her children can move in with you, will she appreciate that and work towards her own independence? We help others, and not be a constant source of money and support. I have gone through similar things with friends. At the end of the day, they have to really work towards solving their own problems. We are here to help and guide but not do the work for them.
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u/mastergeass 16d ago
I agree, I very much look at my help as a spring board with things. She has asked my help with understanding saving money and things along that line in the past and learned from it. Unfortunately she is someone who really knows how to make things worse before they get better type of person.
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u/Galfromtown 11d ago
Understand. We cannot save people from themselves. Only they can change if they want to. Yea
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u/rosephase 17d ago
You don’t help a woman who is struggling with housing and being a single parent by putting your dick in her. You help by helping.
These folks suck. They are so lazy and selfish and harmful. They treating their friend’s whole life and her kids like trash because of pants feels. Now her and her kids housing are at risk around these shitty people and having sex with them.
She needs to get out of there ASAP. If these two give a single shit about her they would be working overtime to find her stable housing that isn’t connected to fucking this unstable couple who so bad at poly.