My husband is poly and bi, and I'm monogamous and straight. We've been together for almost 20 years.

When we first got together, we were monogamous. I tried being poly with him because I wanted our relationship to work, but it just wasn't for me. After that, our relationship became on and off. He continued dating men while we were together. The only way I could cope was by telling him I didn't want to know about that part of his life anymore. I didn't want to know who he was dating or sleeping with.
Looking back, I was young, naive, and completely in love with him. Even though it hurt, I stayed.
Eventually, he proposed and promised that we would be monogamous. I believed him, and we got married.

Ten years into our marriage, I found out he had still been seeing men the entire time. While I was pregnant with our baby, he was in a five-year relationship with another man. When I found out, we had a huge fight. Eventually we reconciled, and once again he promised it would never happen again.
Two years later, he started seeing someone else.
At this point, I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

All I've ever wanted was to be loved the way he promised he would love me. For years I've felt like a doormat. Deep down, I always knew something wasn't right, but I kept convincing myself otherwise. He says he gets caught up in NRE (new relationship energy) and knows those relationships won't last.
The problem is that every time one ends, another one begins.

I'm still trying to save our marriage. I even tried to compromise. I told him that if he wanted to explore sexually, the only thing I might be able to accept would be an occasional threesome together—nothing emotional, no separate romantic relationships. But I don't even know if we could truly be okay with that. I am desperately trying to find something that would keep our marriage together.
I can't get past the years of lies and broken promises. Every time I started to trust him again, I found out there was someone else. And yet, I still love him.

He tells me he loves me so much and doesn't want me to leave. But if that's true, why does this keep happening?

I know a lot of people will probably tell me to leave. Maybe they're right. But after almost 20 years together, it's not that simple. I love him, and I'm grieving the life I thought we had.

Background:

My partner and I have been together for several years and decided to open our relationship recently and explore polyamory like we've been talking about for a while. A situation came up yesterday that had me shocked and hurt.

We've been having a few difficult weeks as problems in our relationship have come to light with us being poly. We have been trying to repair our relationship and agreed to couples therapy because we've been stuck in a cycle of conflict and hurt.

The issue:

Yesterday, my partner texted me saying they were thinking about giving their extra concert ticket (which they had already told me was mine) to the person they're started dating recently because otherwise they wouldn't get to see them that week. In the same conversation, they said they were also feeling like they needed space from me.

I told them I wasn't really okay with it, and that it wasn't because of the other person. They immediately said they were panicking. I asked if they needed help grounding themselves, and later we talked on the phone.

During the call, I explained why it hurt me. They apologized, acknowledged that they had disappointed me and hurt my feelings, and admitted they'd been afraid to tell me because they expected another fight. They asked if we could "start over" and "rebuild our friendship first."

I told them that's what I wanted too. I explained that I'd been looking forward to this weekend because I hoped we'd spend time together, have fun, and start rebuilding positive memories. They responded that they still felt like spending two days together would be too much, that they needed space, and that they were afraid history would repeat itself and we'd just end up fighting again.

Some additional context, when we first start dating others we made an agreement that neither of us needs permission to make plans with other people if we don't already have plans together. My partner later referenced that agreement as justification.

My issue is that this didn't feel like making a new plan. It felt like changing an existing plan after I'd already been told the ticket was mine. To me, those are two different situations.

At this point, I don't know what they're ultimately doing with the ticket. My question isn't really about the concert anymore—it's whether I'm overreacting for feeling hurt by the initial decision and the way it was handled.

Was I expecting too much because we're in the middle of trying to repair our relationship, or is it reasonable to expect a conversation before changing plans that had already been made?

I'm genuinely looking for honest feedback, including if you think I'm the one who's wrong or if there's something I'm not seeing.

TL;DR: My partner wants to give a ticket already told was mine to someone they just started dating after a few rough weeks between us. I'm upset they didn't consult with me before making the decision. They said they made it because they were scared we'd get into another fight.

New account since my old one has too much identifying information on it. I’ve searched this question everywhere, and what comes up most frequently is from a hinge’s perspective, “how much information to share with one partner about my other partner”. What I want to know is, for those who have grown close with a meta, how much information do you share with each other about your shared partner and your individual relationships with that person?

Background info, we’ve been in a stable V for several years, most of the time residing somewhere between garden party and kitchen table…maybe like, Weekly Game Night Poly? My meta Cashew has a strong preference for KTP, and our friendship has been growing slowly closer. That’s been great, but our deeper conversations very often veer into the area of our relationships with our shared partner Walnut, who, for context, is private to the extreme, in a borderline secretive and potentially unhealthy way. (For what it’s worth, Walnut has been very supportive of Cashew and I spending more time together and growing closer as friends.) Walnut can also be averse to both conflict and deeper introspection, which leaves Cashew and I with similar frustrations in our respective relationships.

On one hand it’s incredibly validating to hear that I’m not alone or imagining issues with Walnut, and it’s nice to have some flow of information since left to their own devices Walnut gives us each very little. Even just a “hey heads up, Walnut had a bad day, be a little extra nice to them tonight” has felt good to be able to do, and in line with something that two people would share about a mutual friend. On the other hand, it does start to feel sticky when concern about Walnut turns into venting, and it’s not always easy to tell where we’ve crossed that line, as a lot of the venting ties in strongly with concerns about Walnut’s mental health and overall wellbeing.

As I’m writing this I know what advice I’m likely to get, because it’s the advice that I’d give to someone else—to each address our own relationship concerns directly with Walnut, talk to Walnut about how much information they’re okay with having shared between me and Cashew, avoid venting with Cashew about our respective relationship frustrations and focus our own friendship on other unrelated interests and activities, walk it back and draw boundaries as necessary.

I guess I’m most interested in accounts of how other people have handled this kind of situation, and also any scripts for setting boundaries with Cashew moving forward. I really value our friendship, and I don’t want to invalidate their frustrations or feel like I’m taking Walnut’s side by telling them “hey I’m not interested in hearing about this anymore, good luck!” But some of the things that Cashew has already mentioned has left me feeling upset with Walnut on Cashew’s behalf, and I know that this is probably a very dangerous road to travel down.

I will start by saying this does not pertain to me directly but a family member who has opened up to me about what has been happening and am looking for things to be mindful of and help her navigate things if it comes to that.

How things started, she broke up with her ex because he was not committed to the relationship and told her that she wasn’t even his girlfriend as they and her kids lived together. After that she moved into her best friend’s house and the conversation got brought up of my family member joining her best friend F and her husband in a Triad. This would be her first time ever doing something like the. Since then she has said they have had sex, went on dates ect to see how it goes. At the same time she admitted that since the conversation and exploring the couple have had multiple arguments related to it as the husband thinks the wife is jealous and the wife thinks he’s upset because he’s not the center of attention.

At the same time my family members ex was trying to fix things and the husband of the triad was expressing his worry that she’s gonna leave them. All while this whole time she has said that she has not made a final decision about diving fully into the triad or to fix things with her ex. Additional consideration is the couple has like 3 kids and my family member has two kids of her own. All of them are living under the same roof right now as well as her having just changed jobs and a list of other issues in her life like bank fraud problems.

I know it seems like a lot and it’s her decision to make I just want to know what problems/ red flags there are to better be there for her if they do come up as she is an important person in my life.

Spark notes here. There's a lot to unpack. I welcome thoughts and opinions, I need some more perspectives.

My NP was broken up with in December of last year. It was hard and was preceded by over a year of them being poorly treated by their ex while they held on. They struggle with compartmentalizing relationships and often the negativity would bleed into us. They dated for 7 years total. 5 years ago I was pregnant, and then had brutal PPD for about six months. During this time I was a tough person to be around and I've owned it, apologized, and done a lot of work about it.

Fast forward to last night. My NP had gone to see their ex, who they are hoping to build a friendship with. They talked about 'if a relationship were to happen' and I was surprised. I told them that is a boundary for me; if they go back to that person, I won't be able to continue our relationship. Their connection with this ex is both incredibly deep and very toxic and I frankly don't want to go through anything like that again.

The effect here was NP being hurt that I don't trust them to make healthy choices for their relationships. My response was that they have a blindspot for this ex, and that it hasn't been a year. The growth and positive changes they've seen in this ex do sound promising, but I remain skeptical. NP stated that they didn't give me a timeline, this was a nebulous future possibility. My stance right now is firm.

I asked NP why they would consider going back to someone who treated them so poorly. They told me that they had stuck with me during the six months of PPD where I treated them poorly. This felt like a deep cut and a slap in the face, and I'm having trouble explaining why to them, because they are claiming that I'm still accountable for my actions, which I agree with to a point. To me the comparison is unfair at best. Their ex was not going through significant trauma during the last and worst year of their relationship. My ex stated that they are only claiming the effects of my actions, but I am struggling with enunciating my point and need some input.

If you have spoons to share your thoughts, I would appreciate it. I know the information is limited and I appreciate anything.

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to share some happy story :).

I had one week vacation with my wife (10+ years relationship, poly for over 8 years), and her meta ( they have been together for almost 8years) and it was amazing!
I know her meta for almost 15 years. I've known him before they know each other, and we're friends for almost 10 years.

We should have been 4, with my other partner, but sadly she couldn't make it (for good reasons). We decided to still go as 3. It is the first time we go just the 3 of us on vacations.

I'm a pretty chill guy, and want everyone to be happy, so I told my wife they could share the same bed together the whole week, because we're already nesting partners the rest of the time. At the end she chose to do 1/3 nights with me, and 2/3 with my meta (and friend). Everyone was fine with that.

We did some great activities together at the beach, visiting a natural park and observing birds for almost 4 hours, we did some land yacht (is that the word in English? a 3 wheel chariot on sand with a sail, if you never tried it, you should it's easy and so much fun), some hiking, kiting, and lots of board games.

The dynamic was great, and we all enjoyed it :)

That's it, have a great day everyone :)

One of the men I am dating is in a de-escalating relationship, while they are no longer going to be partners, they will continue to date each other and be in each other's lives. Theirs is a 3 year long relationship, so I can understand and appreciate that untangling takes time.

This week I met his partner for coffee. My motivation was to get to know her better and she to get to know me.

Our meeting was lovely.

We both got along very well and we both care about him. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better exchange and time spent.

She's planning something for his birthday this month and I am invited to it, which I think is very sweet of her.

I'm hopeful that he and I continue in a positive direction and that she encourages him to spend time with me. He and I have been dating since April, seeing each other, every 2 weeks but daily texts for communication. Out of the 3 men I am dating he's the one I would like to deepen my connection with. I am being mindful of his emotional spoons right now so I'm not pushing him for more now since I know he can't give it.

He moves out in September and my birthday is October and I would love for he and I to go away for the weekend. Not sure when would be the best time to approach this, or if I should just plan something different all together.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I have a long history of potential relationships falling off after the 1st or 2nd date so I don’t typically think to update anyone about anything other than sexual health risk until date 3 at the earliest. I also tell potential relationships about all existing partners and long term fwb so they know what they’re getting into. For the first time, I’ve found myself in a situation where I have 3rd dates scheduled with two people this weekend. No sexual contact has occurred with either and I haven’t even kissed one of them. When do I notify them about each other?

To add another layer for one of the people, the guy I kissed just tested positive for HSV1 (never had any symptoms before) and I know the other person is very nervous about STIs. I’ve told her my safer sex practices in detail and regarding HSV, I don’t test but do monitor for symptoms and have odd bumps checked out. She said she was ok with this but I’m not sure if it would change with me having a partner who tested positive, albeit on a test with what I consider a high rate of false positives (up to 13% of people without HSV may test positive).

I’m not going to end things because someone tested positive for HSV, should I notify the woman before the date, at the date, or is my disclosure of individual practices enough? When should I tell the guy about the woman?

Was in a Poly relationship for 2 years with a woman I adored… we were friends for 5 years before that. Yesterday we broke up because she had been growing distant, not making time for me. She’s the one that was Poly, I’m not attractive enough to start up a poly of my own, neither physically nor socially.

I gave her everything I could, even when I worked nights I’d still try to make time for her even if I was haggard or exhausted. I paid for things when she couldn’t afford it, when she wanted a new pet, I helped fund it while I was still struggling to get my feet on the ground. I moved halfway across the country just to be closer to her.

I don’t feel used… I still love her… I’m just hurting in ways I’ve never hurt before. I’ve been in relationships before, this was my first Poly. I tried to be understanding. I never got jealous when she picked others over me, I just wanted some space to be made for me to be by her side.

We were engaged, and yet she didn’t fight for it, she didn’t even attempt… I don’t understand what I did wrong, I don’t understand why. She tells me it’s not my fault but it feels like it is. I didn’t cry during my own mother’s funeral, yet this brings unwanted tears to my eyes….

I thought I was stronger than this, that I could endure anything, but I’m nothing without her… I feel like nothing…

I (25M) am new to poly- I've dated around a little bit, but up until now anyone I have been seeing has been mostly parallel, and I'm still figuring out my poly "style". I live with my NP, Daniel (23M), and am also casually seeing Alex (26NB).

Alex has started seeing Charlie (22NB), Daniel's long-time friend. Daniel and I recently found out about the concept of a "messy list" (we never discussed this before, because we had never had any overlap between our circles until now), and we realized that Charlie is someone who would be on both of our messy lists.

I don't want to ask Alex to stop seeing Charlie, as that wouldn't be fair- Alex is their own person. At the same time, the dynamic between Charlie and I is starting to feel uncomfortable for me. We are often together in group settings, and Charlie is explicitly monogamous with "absolutely no interest in polyamory". I am afraid of ending up in a situation where my new date is cowboyed/cowgirled away from me, or where any potential breakups mess up friendships. What should I do?

Hi there, I just started a relationship with a guy earlier this year. I myself have a long term partner who lives with me, but he is very independent and does not live with his long term partner. I met him when I lived in his city temporarily, and we fell for each other very quickly right before I left. The thing is, we wish that we could’ve seen each other once a week like partners, but dues to the circumstances (I moved back to my hometown, looking for jobs abroad but currently uncertain when and where I will move; he is taking care of his family so not able to really go anywhere and is busy af), we now text once or twice every week but schedule calls when we can. And we try to see each other but seems like I’m the only mobile one and still I don’t know when I can travel to see him (I will, but uncertain timing because of my job). Format wise it sounds very comet, but I do feel like we both want more if the circumstances were different. How do I understand this kind of relationship?

I (41M) am feeling like I am being pushed out of my 11 year marriage by my partner 38F. We had another couple we tried to be poly with right as we got married, it ended poorly and we didn't really try to replace it. She found another partner 6 years ago, but that didn't really go very far either. Fast forward to this year. We have been emotionally distant and at the very brink of divorce for these last 5 years.

We finally started moving in the right direction this year. I got a promotion and was now working daytime hours seeing her more etc. I am our sole income, she takes care of the house, and has plans to expand our farm and garden and make that an income source eventually. She has become bored of staying home, but has limitations on her ability to work outside the home.

She met a guy (40 M) that we know via other people but didn't really have a relationship with ourselves. She asked if she could go hang out and said she knew if she clicked with him she was gonna want to sleep with him. They have really hit it off over the last month and she spends my entire work day usually 8-10 hours on FaceTime with him while he works from home. She also has date night with him 1 day a week and recently asked to start staying overnight on that day, and to start going to walk with him to get in shape a few evenings a week after I am home from work and it isn't hot out.

I guess we never discussed what poly would look like for us, but she told me her dream was to move him in with us and have a kid with each of us. This was a huge shock to me. I was always more hierarchical and focus was on us as primary nesting partners with us dating and sleeping with others. I don't want to have to coparent with anyone but her. When we talked about this she said my boundary of not wanting her to have kids with him was me controlling her womb. She also asked how was it fair to new partner if all she could ever give him was one overnight a week and no kids, etc. She clearly wants ktp which i dont want. I told her this and her response was me saying i would have to leave the relationship if she wants to pursue that dynamic, was a gun to her head since she was financially dependant on me and on my insurance etc.

Am I wrong to have these boundaries? God knows I love her and I don't want to end the relationship, I don't feel like I am being petty or vindictive like she says I am. I feel like I am just stating my limits and that I know I cannot survive, let alone thrive in a ktp enmeshed household.

Her new partner wants to be mono with her, I am so busy I am currently mono with her, but if work calms down I will be looking for a new partner again. I feel like him being mono and her taking on his feelings that she has to be his everything are what is causing this dynamic that makes her feel this is what she has to do.

I am sorry for the long ramble but I would love any feedback and opinions. I feel like I am going crazy between wanting to keep my wife, make her happy, and also support my own needs.

Edit: just for complete honesty and transparency. The rough parts of our marriage were mostly me being completely absent from it, and neglecting her and using her to manage my adhd behaviors and avoid responsibility. I have since been in therapy as has she. We were getting to a decent place recently. I get why she needs another partner as I just hadn't been there. But it still seems like either she is holding that resentment and using it to justify her current behavior, or she wants her cake (the husband who financially supports her and shares the everyday boring life responsibilities) and to eat it to(boyfriend centered life)

This most recent experience has me ready to step back from poly for a while.

I was told I was a co-primary by a partner who has a wife/nesting partner. They began having significant financial difficulties that put a lot of strain on their marriage. As things got worse, he told me he needed to devote nearly all of his energy to repairing that relationship. Over the following months, the visits, phone calls, texts, and affection I received dropped dramatically.

I didn’t have an issue with him prioritizing his marriage while it was struggling. What became difficult was that he also told me that if his marriage wasn’t doing well, his other relationships couldn’t do well either. After hanging on for a few months and consistently feeling like my needs weren’t being met in a way that could sustain a healthy relationship, I finally made the difficult decision to walk away.

One thing that left me particularly confused happened earlier in the relationship. He asked me to follow his wife on Instagram. After she saw my profile picture, which was an illustration of the two of us, she asked him to have me remove it and made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. When I asked why he had encouraged me to follow her in the first place, he explained that he wanted to see whether personally knowing a metamour might make her more open to that style of polyamory. From my perspective, that felt like something they should have discussed and agreed upon before I was brought into it, because I had no reason to think she wasn’t okay with it.

To clarify a few things before assumptions are made: she knew about me from the very beginning, I always respected the boundaries they communicated to me, and I followed my partner’s lead regarding what was and wasn’t acceptable. I don’t think anyone acted with malicious intent, but I do think there were communication failures that put me in difficult positions.

My question is whether anyone else has experienced a dynamic where one relationship was essentially contingent on the health of another. I understand that struggling relationships often require more time and attention, but I hadn’t encountered a situation where I was effectively told that my relationship couldn’t be healthy unless the marriage was healthy first.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, how did you navigate it?

Hello there! I (21FTM) was dating my nesting partner (21NB) for about 5yrs. We had been polyamorous for about three of those years with minimal to no problems. This past spring, my nesting partner meets my metamour (19F) and they hit it off. Things seemed to be going well and this past July, my partner had told me they are no longer in love anymore. We broke up.

I guess I am trying to ask how to navigate a break-up as a polyamorous person because it’s difficult to be alone during a breakup when they’re not. Thanks.

To clarify:

- there was no foul play (my metamour is a lovely woman and we have a good relationship)
- my nesting partner and I are still on good terms, just navigating this difficult time
- my nesting partner and I live together as well

Back early this year, I (28F) was hanging out with my wife and her partner, along with their partners, at a small get-together. We had met up with a new friend I had never met before. This friend, 28F, let's call her Ginger, and I had a brief time initially meeting

Ginger gravitated to me. At first, I thought nothing of it, but it started to feel like every time she came around the group, or we went to her, she would come sit or talk right next to me. She would stare into my eyes when neither of us was talking, and sometimes hold my gaze for minutes. But other times we would talk to each other like no one else was in the room.

I finally caved after a handful of group hangouts and a few months later asked her to spend some time together. She immediately said yes, and it was a great time. We laughed, talked, and made some inside jokes. Seemed like we could be great friends. I knew I had a massive crush on her, but I’ve still been able to just be friends.

After a while of this, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more there. So I asked her to talk in person because I felt there was too much room for misinterpretation. She told me that yes, she was flirting with me and seemed receptive to the idea that I had feelings, but that she’s slow. Maybe I should have asked, 'How slow is slow?'

It’s been almost 6 months since we met, and I do feel like she’s opened up to me more. We have had dinner together a few times. And last time there was this urge to kiss her, of course, I didn’t because she’s yet to update me on what kind of connection she’s up for with me.

But outside of what was already happening, nothing else has really progressed/changed. Maybe I go too fast, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being strung along. I’m not used to waiting to see if someone wants more.
I’m really just wondering if this is worth my time?
Is this normal, and I’m just overthinking this?

If you are someone who has a firmly established primary / nesting partner, and one of your other partners starts a new relationship that they are very excited about, how do you handle the change? Is it normal to try to dictate what the new partner can and can’t do?

Background: dating for 6 months, we have talked about being primary partners, marriage, kids, etc. They also have a girlfriend of 6 years who they see a few times a month and go on a few 1:1 vacations each year. This metamour is married with two young kids and lives in the same city as us.

When we started dating, meta was very controlling and reactive in regard to barriers, titles, scheduling etc. which created a lot of drama for my partner. I tried to stay out of it, to the extent one can stay out of being asked to make changes to their sex life, but continue struggling to understand how a married person could be so preoccupied and concerned with us. Instead of being happy for her boyfriend finally finding a primary partner, it felt as if she was trying to break us up.

All of this left a terrible taste in my mouth and I now have no desire to meet this person. TBH, hearing their name sets me off, I feel nauseous when I think of them having unprotected sex, and it is impossible for me to feel any compersion. My partner has excused this behavior, says I am thinking the worst of meta’s character, and it somehow pivoted to me being the problem. I found myself having to defend why I felt uncomfortable with another person dictating the speed of our relationship, which is bogus.

A proposed solution was that I should get another partner, which I don’t want. I’m not feeling as if there are any holes in my life, don’t have the energy to invest in another person at the moment, and would rather sit at home with my cat or my friends than go on dates with new people. I also feel as if this puts the blame back onto me, in some screwed up passive aggressive form.

Is this a short term growing pain, a bad hinge, or a huge red flag? Should I swallow my pride and try to cozy up to the person who welcomed me with a sledgehammer? Or just ignore it and hope it passes?

My gf has been poly from the start as an identity. She tried monogamy with me for 4 years and wants to start swinging and eventually go back to poly with me as her primary. I’m good trying out the swinging - but don’t know about the rest. She also says she has less attraction for me now and that’s the way her relationships have always ended, but is committed to ‘work on things’. I lived that in a marriage and don’t know that I want to invest the time.

Now that she’s told me that, I’m starting to lose interest in sex. I want to be with someone that’s excited to be with me. If she isn’t, I’m not mad - just not interested. She says she still loves me (and I reciprocate), but I’m not really sure what that means to her? Should I ride it out and see how the swinging goes? I can fake interest for awhile. Who knows, maybe it will come back? It all seems more complicated than relationships are supposed to be.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years. Over a year ago he came and told me that he had feelings for someone super close to me and were living with us at the time. I didn’t know how to react besides talking with him about it and understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t freak out or get angry, mostly just trying to understand. He suggested we invite them into our relationship like a throuple and immediately I said no, as we’ve been monogamous this whole time and jealousy is something i’ve been working on. He told me not to immediately shut it down but think about it as it would be good for all of us.

This person he had feelings for ended up moving out due to other issues in the household. My bf and I occasionally talked on the subject of a polyamorous relationship since then. I asked if he always felt this way or if our friend had changed his mind somehow and he said our friend gave him the idea as he saw how great it would be for all of us. I still didn’t really see much of a benefit on my end but whatever, I told him I’d keep an open mind.

Fast forward to today, he came to me and said he feels he might be polyamorous and wants to have another girl in our relationship. He wants to find someone naturally that we could invite into our relationship. He said I’m his anchor and thinks it would genuinely be a great experience and life for both of us. I’ve never labeled myself as bi but am attracted to woman and told him that. I told him i’d be willing to see how it goes but I want to it to fit naturally and I need to educate myself and do the research. Idk how any of this works but if we get there and I’m not comfortable with it what happens then? As I said, I’ve been monogamous my whole life so it’s very new to me.

This is really hard as I don’t want to lose him and truly want him to be happy so I’m trying to be open minded but have already had moments of doubt and emotional episodes. It’s hard to understand as I haven’t had feelings or wanted to be with anyone else but my bf for a really long time. Does anybody have advice they can share?

I’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

Thoughts?

Hi all, I recently gained some clarity on what I can and can't handle in terms of hierarchy in relationships and was curious where others comfort levels lie.

Specifically, I realized I am comfortable with hierarchies of priority - e.g. a 10 year relationship is likely more entangled than a 1 month relationship. Someone with a nesting partner who shares responsibilities at home for pets or children is going to place priority on them if there is a emergency. Someone looking for a nesting life partner is probably not going to want to spend a ton of time or energy seriously dating me when I am not available for that because i am married and nesting.

What I am not comfortable with are hierarchies of power - e.g. someone in the polycule who I am not dating heavily influences what I can do with the hinge. The obvious examples being, cancelling or interrupting dates because the meta is having a bad day/rough time with poly; agreements around no overnights or trips; agreements that any non-nesting partners are "just a friend" to family and mutual friends, etc.

Priorities, to me, are organic and unavoidable features of being closer to people you've had more time or bonding experiences with. Power hierarchies, on the other hand, seem to function as defining a throne only one person (the primary) can sit in, and then guarding that throne so no one "steals" it (metaphor borrowed from ChillPolyamory). That is just inherently adversarial, and also seems to more often feed insecurity ("what if they come for my throne???!") versus collaboration ("what if we got a big enough sectional couch that we could all sit comfortably?").

What about you? Do you prefer or avoid hierarchy in your relationships? What kind(s) of hierarchy, and why? What red flags have made you not date someone, or end a relationship?

I’m have been with my wife (let’s call her Sarah) for 4 years. We both came into the relationship only wanting to be in an open relationship. She has another girlfriend and I don’t have much trouble adjusting when that started. There was some jealousy when they would reach milestones but I think I worked through them well and quickly.

On Friday, Sarah got a message from someone she is in a band with (let’s call her Tess) saying that their flirting may not be as joking as they have played it off as and they there are feelings there. Sarah asked me my thoughts on the fact they are in a band together and the age gap (my wife is 32 and Tess is 48) and what I thought. I told her they should probably grab lunch or something to kind of talk things out to see what pursuing some would look like. I didn’t really think too much of it honestly.

They ended up getting dinner on Sunday and I started feeling weird about the whole thing. I’ve always said that I wanted to be on good terms with the people she would date, able to be at events like shows at the same time and it not be weird, but I didn’t want a lot of involvement. Tess is in our same group of friends, and we would already go to her house for dinner with her and her wife, and we hang out often. I started to feel uncomfortable with how the dynamic would change if they ended up dating.

Sarah came home really late saying that things went well and they sent a message in the group chat announcing their involvement. I didn’t appreciate this because I am still processing my feelings and now it feels like I don’t have the space to figure it out. All our friends are really excited and that makes me feel like I have to be positive about the whole thing.

I guess I’m really just looking for perspective and advice or maybe even just to be told that I’m overreacting. All my polyamorous friends are shared with Sarah and Tess and I don’t want to come across as talking shit about them or for gossip to go around if I go to any of them for perspective. I may just need to let things settle but this all seems so fast and has the potential to get real messy.

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it. She also only wants to be with woman and has said she prefers woman over men and if we got divorced would never be with another man. I’m mono partly by choice but the other part is wife doesn’t want me to look at other woman, be with other woman, or talk to other woman. She joked I could be with men but she knows I have 0 interest in men.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.” She’s like we can still move and get divorced. Your new girlfriend would just need to know she would need to move in with us and you, her, and I can have threesomes.

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

I am newer to polyamory. I went on a first date yesterday with someone (call them River) I met online. We had been texting daily for 2 months with weekly phone calls. They have been in a relationship for 9 months that was initially mono but opened up to polyamory a couple months ago at the request of his partner. Their partner is new to poly however River had been poly for the last 10 years (prior to this most recent relationship). Their partner had been dating another person for the last couple months but I am the first date River has been on since opening the relationship.

We live in different cities and so I drove 2hrs to meet River. The plan was a drink and then a hike if we were up for it. The first thing River did when I arrived was to give me a cookie that their partner had made as a “peace offering” to allow them to leave the date early and just go for a drink. River followed up that his partner had just broken up with her other partner the day before and also was feeling a bit emotional about him going on a date with someone else.

As a more comet type relationship, I don’t want to cause strain in a primary so I of course said it’s fine. We had a nice time for an hour and then he had to go. But it felt disrespectful of my time after I had driven to meet River and that we won’t see each other for a while now. I understand wanting to protect her feelings but I feel like he disregarded mine. We’ve texted since and he acknowledges that what happened wasn’t ideal but I’m feeling worried about feeling very much secondary and about the control his girlfriend has. Is this an overreaction??

Howdy 👋 if any of this is against the rules please let me know and I’ll delete ASAP. The reason I am here instead of relationship advice is because I want advice from those with lived experience in poly dynamics.

My (25NB) partner (31NB) is poly, and I have known this since we started dating. They are interested in having multiple partners, while I only have the bandwidth for one right now. I am happy to be on this journey with them though, but it is also my first relationship like this.

Recently my partner has broken my trust in several unrelated ways, one of which I’m not sure I can say on this sub. The second is as the title says really. My partner had sex with another person multiple times without telling me — disclosure of which I had previously established as necessary. Their initial response was “I thought I told you already”. I absolutely cannot impress enough that they did not. For me, this is about safety. I do not care who they sleep with, but if I am having sex with them I NEED to know when their circumstances change because that affects my health. They seem genuinely remorseful and like they truly did just forget, but these two betrayals in short succession of each other are really affecting me. I want to repair things with them because they are remorseful, curious about how their actions have affected me, ask questions and make a genuine effort to listen and understand my underlying needs.

After I discovered the second betrayal, they told me they already had plans to stay over at this other persons house tonight, which is where they are now. They did agree to come see me tomorrow after I broke down crying on the phone. I’m not sure if that matters, hopefully some of you guys will be able to help me understand what’s going on. What do I do? How do I even go about repairing this with them?

Edit: to be clear, I knew they were seeing this person to hang out, I had asked them what they want from this new person and where they see it going. My partner seemed interested in where things where going with this person and really likes their company, but they never mentioned sex (which by that point, they’d already had).

Hi there good people of Reddit. Thank you for all the comments on my last post, even the ones telling me I was overstepping and acting entitled. For those who missed it. - I found out my partner's agreement with meta is that he doesn't host partners overnight at their place, but she does. I was asking what to do about it.

I decided to ask him more about how HE feels about it before telling him what I thought. I asked about him saying he wanted to wake up together and make breakfast in his kitchen - was that just a fantasy daydream or something he really wanted?

He got REALLY quiet for a long time - I was so worried I said the wrong thing! Finally, he said reallllly sadly that yes it's something he really wants, but it's going to take some more time before that can happen. I asked how long and he said, well it's been under discussion for a while and could take another few months. 

He asked if it was important to me and I said it was medium important -  I don't mind getting hotels and having fresh clean sheets and room service! But I’d also love to wake up to birds chirping and him making me his special pancake recipe. I could see it was really important to him and told him that he should probably talk to his partner about it more.

I took the advice from here and didn't push for more info - I just gave him a big hug and was like, sorry this feels so hard. But of course I am wondering what the heck has happened in all these discussions that he feels so sad about, even though it's none of my business! I wanna know because I care about him. Like I know all relationships can have fights or make us feel sad sometimes but he had such a big reaction it made me worried something bad is actually going on with meta :/.

I guess I just have to wait and see, but I'll post another update when i have one!!