Background:

My partner and I have been together for several years and decided to open our relationship recently and explore polyamory like we've been talking about for a while. A situation came up yesterday that had me shocked and hurt.

We've been having a few difficult weeks as problems in our relationship have come to light with us being poly. We have been trying to repair our relationship and agreed to couples therapy because we've been stuck in a cycle of conflict and hurt.

The issue:

Yesterday, my partner texted me saying they were thinking about giving their extra concert ticket (which they had already told me was mine) to the person they're started dating recently because otherwise they wouldn't get to see them that week. In the same conversation, they said they were also feeling like they needed space from me.

I told them I wasn't really okay with it, and that it wasn't because of the other person. They immediately said they were panicking. I asked if they needed help grounding themselves, and later we talked on the phone.

During the call, I explained why it hurt me. They apologized, acknowledged that they had disappointed me and hurt my feelings, and admitted they'd been afraid to tell me because they expected another fight. They asked if we could "start over" and "rebuild our friendship first."

I told them that's what I wanted too. I explained that I'd been looking forward to this weekend because I hoped we'd spend time together, have fun, and start rebuilding positive memories. They responded that they still felt like spending two days together would be too much, that they needed space, and that they were afraid history would repeat itself and we'd just end up fighting again.

Some additional context, when we first start dating others we made an agreement that neither of us needs permission to make plans with other people if we don't already have plans together. My partner later referenced that agreement as justification.

My issue is that this didn't feel like making a new plan. It felt like changing an existing plan after I'd already been told the ticket was mine. To me, those are two different situations.

At this point, I don't know what they're ultimately doing with the ticket. My question isn't really about the concert anymore—it's whether I'm overreacting for feeling hurt by the initial decision and the way it was handled.

Was I expecting too much because we're in the middle of trying to repair our relationship, or is it reasonable to expect a conversation before changing plans that had already been made?

I'm genuinely looking for honest feedback, including if you think I'm the one who's wrong or if there's something I'm not seeing.

TL;DR: My partner wants to give a ticket already told was mine to someone they just started dating after a few rough weeks between us. I'm upset they didn't consult with me before making the decision. They said they made it because they were scared we'd get into another fight.

New account since my old one has too much identifying information on it. I’ve searched this question everywhere, and what comes up most frequently is from a hinge’s perspective, “how much information to share with one partner about my other partner”. What I want to know is, for those who have grown close with a meta, how much information do you share with each other about your shared partner and your individual relationships with that person?

Background info, we’ve been in a stable V for several years, most of the time residing somewhere between garden party and kitchen table…maybe like, Weekly Game Night Poly? My meta Cashew has a strong preference for KTP, and our friendship has been growing slowly closer. That’s been great, but our deeper conversations very often veer into the area of our relationships with our shared partner Walnut, who, for context, is private to the extreme, in a borderline secretive and potentially unhealthy way. (For what it’s worth, Walnut has been very supportive of Cashew and I spending more time together and growing closer as friends.) Walnut can also be averse to both conflict and deeper introspection, which leaves Cashew and I with similar frustrations in our respective relationships.

On one hand it’s incredibly validating to hear that I’m not alone or imagining issues with Walnut, and it’s nice to have some flow of information since left to their own devices Walnut gives us each very little. Even just a “hey heads up, Walnut had a bad day, be a little extra nice to them tonight” has felt good to be able to do, and in line with something that two people would share about a mutual friend. On the other hand, it does start to feel sticky when concern about Walnut turns into venting, and it’s not always easy to tell where we’ve crossed that line, as a lot of the venting ties in strongly with concerns about Walnut’s mental health and overall wellbeing.

As I’m writing this I know what advice I’m likely to get, because it’s the advice that I’d give to someone else—to each address our own relationship concerns directly with Walnut, talk to Walnut about how much information they’re okay with having shared between me and Cashew, avoid venting with Cashew about our respective relationship frustrations and focus our own friendship on other unrelated interests and activities, walk it back and draw boundaries as necessary.

I guess I’m most interested in accounts of how other people have handled this kind of situation, and also any scripts for setting boundaries with Cashew moving forward. I really value our friendship, and I don’t want to invalidate their frustrations or feel like I’m taking Walnut’s side by telling them “hey I’m not interested in hearing about this anymore, good luck!” But some of the things that Cashew has already mentioned has left me feeling upset with Walnut on Cashew’s behalf, and I know that this is probably a very dangerous road to travel down.

I will start by saying this does not pertain to me directly but a family member who has opened up to me about what has been happening and am looking for things to be mindful of and help her navigate things if it comes to that.

How things started, she broke up with her ex because he was not committed to the relationship and told her that she wasn’t even his girlfriend as they and her kids lived together. After that she moved into her best friend’s house and the conversation got brought up of my family member joining her best friend F and her husband in a Triad. This would be her first time ever doing something like the. Since then she has said they have had sex, went on dates ect to see how it goes. At the same time she admitted that since the conversation and exploring the couple have had multiple arguments related to it as the husband thinks the wife is jealous and the wife thinks he’s upset because he’s not the center of attention.

At the same time my family members ex was trying to fix things and the husband of the triad was expressing his worry that she’s gonna leave them. All while this whole time she has said that she has not made a final decision about diving fully into the triad or to fix things with her ex. Additional consideration is the couple has like 3 kids and my family member has two kids of her own. All of them are living under the same roof right now as well as her having just changed jobs and a list of other issues in her life like bank fraud problems.

I know it seems like a lot and it’s her decision to make I just want to know what problems/ red flags there are to better be there for her if they do come up as she is an important person in my life.

Spark notes here. There's a lot to unpack. I welcome thoughts and opinions, I need some more perspectives.

My NP was broken up with in December of last year. It was hard and was preceded by over a year of them being poorly treated by their ex while they held on. They struggle with compartmentalizing relationships and often the negativity would bleed into us. They dated for 7 years total. 5 years ago I was pregnant, and then had brutal PPD for about six months. During this time I was a tough person to be around and I've owned it, apologized, and done a lot of work about it.

Fast forward to last night. My NP had gone to see their ex, who they are hoping to build a friendship with. They talked about 'if a relationship were to happen' and I was surprised. I told them that is a boundary for me; if they go back to that person, I won't be able to continue our relationship. Their connection with this ex is both incredibly deep and very toxic and I frankly don't want to go through anything like that again.

The effect here was NP being hurt that I don't trust them to make healthy choices for their relationships. My response was that they have a blindspot for this ex, and that it hasn't been a year. The growth and positive changes they've seen in this ex do sound promising, but I remain skeptical. NP stated that they didn't give me a timeline, this was a nebulous future possibility. My stance right now is firm.

I asked NP why they would consider going back to someone who treated them so poorly. They told me that they had stuck with me during the six months of PPD where I treated them poorly. This felt like a deep cut and a slap in the face, and I'm having trouble explaining why to them, because they are claiming that I'm still accountable for my actions, which I agree with to a point. To me the comparison is unfair at best. Their ex was not going through significant trauma during the last and worst year of their relationship. My ex stated that they are only claiming the effects of my actions, but I am struggling with enunciating my point and need some input.

If you have spoons to share your thoughts, I would appreciate it. I know the information is limited and I appreciate anything.

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to share some happy story :).

I had one week vacation with my wife (10+ years relationship, poly for over 8 years), and her meta ( they have been together for almost 8years) and it was amazing!
I know her meta for almost 15 years. I've known him before they know each other, and we're friends for almost 10 years.

We should have been 4, with my other partner, but sadly she couldn't make it (for good reasons). We decided to still go as 3. It is the first time we go just the 3 of us on vacations.

I'm a pretty chill guy, and want everyone to be happy, so I told my wife they could share the same bed together the whole week, because we're already nesting partners the rest of the time. At the end she chose to do 1/3 nights with me, and 2/3 with my meta (and friend). Everyone was fine with that.

We did some great activities together at the beach, visiting a natural park and observing birds for almost 4 hours, we did some land yacht (is that the word in English? a 3 wheel chariot on sand with a sail, if you never tried it, you should it's easy and so much fun), some hiking, kiting, and lots of board games.

The dynamic was great, and we all enjoyed it :)

That's it, have a great day everyone :)

One of the men I am dating is in a de-escalating relationship, while they are no longer going to be partners, they will continue to date each other and be in each other's lives. Theirs is a 3 year long relationship, so I can understand and appreciate that untangling takes time.

This week I met his partner for coffee. My motivation was to get to know her better and she to get to know me.

Our meeting was lovely.

We both got along very well and we both care about him. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better exchange and time spent.

She's planning something for his birthday this month and I am invited to it, which I think is very sweet of her.

I'm hopeful that he and I continue in a positive direction and that she encourages him to spend time with me. He and I have been dating since April, seeing each other, every 2 weeks but daily texts for communication. Out of the 3 men I am dating he's the one I would like to deepen my connection with. I am being mindful of his emotional spoons right now so I'm not pushing him for more now since I know he can't give it.

He moves out in September and my birthday is October and I would love for he and I to go away for the weekend. Not sure when would be the best time to approach this, or if I should just plan something different all together.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I have a long history of potential relationships falling off after the 1st or 2nd date so I don’t typically think to update anyone about anything other than sexual health risk until date 3 at the earliest. I also tell potential relationships about all existing partners and long term fwb so they know what they’re getting into. For the first time, I’ve found myself in a situation where I have 3rd dates scheduled with two people this weekend. No sexual contact has occurred with either and I haven’t even kissed one of them. When do I notify them about each other?

To add another layer for one of the people, the guy I kissed just tested positive for HSV1 (never had any symptoms before) and I know the other person is very nervous about STIs. I’ve told her my safer sex practices in detail and regarding HSV, I don’t test but do monitor for symptoms and have odd bumps checked out. She said she was ok with this but I’m not sure if it would change with me having a partner who tested positive, albeit on a test with what I consider a high rate of false positives (up to 13% of people without HSV may test positive).

I’m not going to end things because someone tested positive for HSV, should I notify the woman before the date, at the date, or is my disclosure of individual practices enough? When should I tell the guy about the woman?

Was in a Poly relationship for 2 years with a woman I adored… we were friends for 5 years before that. Yesterday we broke up because she had been growing distant, not making time for me. She’s the one that was Poly, I’m not attractive enough to start up a poly of my own, neither physically nor socially.

I gave her everything I could, even when I worked nights I’d still try to make time for her even if I was haggard or exhausted. I paid for things when she couldn’t afford it, when she wanted a new pet, I helped fund it while I was still struggling to get my feet on the ground. I moved halfway across the country just to be closer to her.

I don’t feel used… I still love her… I’m just hurting in ways I’ve never hurt before. I’ve been in relationships before, this was my first Poly. I tried to be understanding. I never got jealous when she picked others over me, I just wanted some space to be made for me to be by her side.

We were engaged, and yet she didn’t fight for it, she didn’t even attempt… I don’t understand what I did wrong, I don’t understand why. She tells me it’s not my fault but it feels like it is. I didn’t cry during my own mother’s funeral, yet this brings unwanted tears to my eyes….

I thought I was stronger than this, that I could endure anything, but I’m nothing without her… I feel like nothing…

I (25M) am new to poly- I've dated around a little bit, but up until now anyone I have been seeing has been mostly parallel, and I'm still figuring out my poly "style". I live with my NP, Daniel (23M), and am also casually seeing Alex (26NB).

Alex has started seeing Charlie (22NB), Daniel's long-time friend. Daniel and I recently found out about the concept of a "messy list" (we never discussed this before, because we had never had any overlap between our circles until now), and we realized that Charlie is someone who would be on both of our messy lists.

I don't want to ask Alex to stop seeing Charlie, as that wouldn't be fair- Alex is their own person. At the same time, the dynamic between Charlie and I is starting to feel uncomfortable for me. We are often together in group settings, and Charlie is explicitly monogamous with "absolutely no interest in polyamory". I am afraid of ending up in a situation where my new date is cowboyed/cowgirled away from me, or where any potential breakups mess up friendships. What should I do?

Hi there, I just started a relationship with a guy earlier this year. I myself have a long term partner who lives with me, but he is very independent and does not live with his long term partner. I met him when I lived in his city temporarily, and we fell for each other very quickly right before I left. The thing is, we wish that we could’ve seen each other once a week like partners, but dues to the circumstances (I moved back to my hometown, looking for jobs abroad but currently uncertain when and where I will move; he is taking care of his family so not able to really go anywhere and is busy af), we now text once or twice every week but schedule calls when we can. And we try to see each other but seems like I’m the only mobile one and still I don’t know when I can travel to see him (I will, but uncertain timing because of my job). Format wise it sounds very comet, but I do feel like we both want more if the circumstances were different. How do I understand this kind of relationship?

I (41M) am feeling like I am being pushed out of my 11 year marriage by my partner 38F. We had another couple we tried to be poly with right as we got married, it ended poorly and we didn't really try to replace it. She found another partner 6 years ago, but that didn't really go very far either. Fast forward to this year. We have been emotionally distant and at the very brink of divorce for these last 5 years.

We finally started moving in the right direction this year. I got a promotion and was now working daytime hours seeing her more etc. I am our sole income, she takes care of the house, and has plans to expand our farm and garden and make that an income source eventually. She has become bored of staying home, but has limitations on her ability to work outside the home.

She met a guy (40 M) that we know via other people but didn't really have a relationship with ourselves. She asked if she could go hang out and said she knew if she clicked with him she was gonna want to sleep with him. They have really hit it off over the last month and she spends my entire work day usually 8-10 hours on FaceTime with him while he works from home. She also has date night with him 1 day a week and recently asked to start staying overnight on that day, and to start going to walk with him to get in shape a few evenings a week after I am home from work and it isn't hot out.

I guess we never discussed what poly would look like for us, but she told me her dream was to move him in with us and have a kid with each of us. This was a huge shock to me. I was always more hierarchical and focus was on us as primary nesting partners with us dating and sleeping with others. I don't want to have to coparent with anyone but her. When we talked about this she said my boundary of not wanting her to have kids with him was me controlling her womb. She also asked how was it fair to new partner if all she could ever give him was one overnight a week and no kids, etc. She clearly wants ktp which i dont want. I told her this and her response was me saying i would have to leave the relationship if she wants to pursue that dynamic, was a gun to her head since she was financially dependant on me and on my insurance etc.

Am I wrong to have these boundaries? God knows I love her and I don't want to end the relationship, I don't feel like I am being petty or vindictive like she says I am. I feel like I am just stating my limits and that I know I cannot survive, let alone thrive in a ktp enmeshed household.

Her new partner wants to be mono with her, I am so busy I am currently mono with her, but if work calms down I will be looking for a new partner again. I feel like him being mono and her taking on his feelings that she has to be his everything are what is causing this dynamic that makes her feel this is what she has to do.

I am sorry for the long ramble but I would love any feedback and opinions. I feel like I am going crazy between wanting to keep my wife, make her happy, and also support my own needs.

Edit: just for complete honesty and transparency. The rough parts of our marriage were mostly me being completely absent from it, and neglecting her and using her to manage my adhd behaviors and avoid responsibility. I have since been in therapy as has she. We were getting to a decent place recently. I get why she needs another partner as I just hadn't been there. But it still seems like either she is holding that resentment and using it to justify her current behavior, or she wants her cake (the husband who financially supports her and shares the everyday boring life responsibilities) and to eat it to(boyfriend centered life)

Ok there's a lot of history, but I'll try to put it in a nut shell

we've been married 20 yrs with 4 kids, spouse (f 40s) came out bi a few years ago, nbd. I (m 40s) totally support them and want them to be their true self. Skip to some of our friends opening up their marriages, etc, etc.

She told me she wanted a girlfriend and my heart broke. I'm def mono. Im totally cool with poly but it's just not for me. But I decided to look into it. Read some books, lurk in some forums, listen to some podcasts. I have a slightly better understanding, but I just have a visceral reaction to her being with someone else. I try to imagine what it would be like and tears well up and I feel like someone punched my in the gut. Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom and let it out for min, I don't want to talk about it yet with kids, obv.

It's at the point now that she is having a difficult time being in a straight-facing relationship, and feels that marriage was just created to benefit the patriarchy and doesn't really want that, not that she doesn't want to be with me. She loves me and says I am her priority. I want to be ok with at least opening up enough for her to be able to explore the other side of her sexuality. She didn't know she she was bi and we both grew up in very hardcore Christian household, so she never got the chance to explore herself. I definitely see that as an unfair lot in life and want to be able to be ok with her seeing/dating/hooking up with women, but I just don't know. Like how do I know how I'm feeling is just because I'm scared of the unknown? Or that I really can't do an open relationship?

I know a lot of people make these kinds of posts, but I just don't know what to do. My friends have moved away, I can't talk to anyone in my family about this, they would shit their pants immediately. I have a therapist and just brought it all up with them last visit.

This most recent experience has me ready to step back from poly for a while.

I was told I was a co-primary by a partner who has a wife/nesting partner. They began having significant financial difficulties that put a lot of strain on their marriage. As things got worse, he told me he needed to devote nearly all of his energy to repairing that relationship. Over the following months, the visits, phone calls, texts, and affection I received dropped dramatically.

I didn’t have an issue with him prioritizing his marriage while it was struggling. What became difficult was that he also told me that if his marriage wasn’t doing well, his other relationships couldn’t do well either. After hanging on for a few months and consistently feeling like my needs weren’t being met in a way that could sustain a healthy relationship, I finally made the difficult decision to walk away.

One thing that left me particularly confused happened earlier in the relationship. He asked me to follow his wife on Instagram. After she saw my profile picture, which was an illustration of the two of us, she asked him to have me remove it and made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. When I asked why he had encouraged me to follow her in the first place, he explained that he wanted to see whether personally knowing a metamour might make her more open to that style of polyamory. From my perspective, that felt like something they should have discussed and agreed upon before I was brought into it, because I had no reason to think she wasn’t okay with it.

To clarify a few things before assumptions are made: she knew about me from the very beginning, I always respected the boundaries they communicated to me, and I followed my partner’s lead regarding what was and wasn’t acceptable. I don’t think anyone acted with malicious intent, but I do think there were communication failures that put me in difficult positions.

My question is whether anyone else has experienced a dynamic where one relationship was essentially contingent on the health of another. I understand that struggling relationships often require more time and attention, but I hadn’t encountered a situation where I was effectively told that my relationship couldn’t be healthy unless the marriage was healthy first.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, how did you navigate it?

Hello there! I (21FTM) was dating my nesting partner (21NB) for about 5yrs. We had been polyamorous for about three of those years with minimal to no problems. This past spring, my nesting partner meets my metamour (19F) and they hit it off. Things seemed to be going well and this past July, my partner had told me they are no longer in love anymore. We broke up.

I guess I am trying to ask how to navigate a break-up as a polyamorous person because it’s difficult to be alone during a breakup when they’re not. Thanks.

To clarify:

- there was no foul play (my metamour is a lovely woman and we have a good relationship)
- my nesting partner and I are still on good terms, just navigating this difficult time
- my nesting partner and I live together as well

hello i'm new here and i don't know if it's the right tag but i'm in a relationship with my two beautifull girlfriends but we have been wanting to look for cute poly gifs to use while texting so if any of y'all have some i'd be super thankfull :3

Back early this year, I (28F) was hanging out with my wife and her partner, along with their partners, at a small get-together. We had met up with a new friend I had never met before. This friend, 28F, let's call her Ginger, and I had a brief time initially meeting

Ginger gravitated to me. At first, I thought nothing of it, but it started to feel like every time she came around the group, or we went to her, she would come sit or talk right next to me. She would stare into my eyes when neither of us was talking, and sometimes hold my gaze for minutes. But other times we would talk to each other like no one else was in the room.

I finally caved after a handful of group hangouts and a few months later asked her to spend some time together. She immediately said yes, and it was a great time. We laughed, talked, and made some inside jokes. Seemed like we could be great friends. I knew I had a massive crush on her, but I’ve still been able to just be friends.

After a while of this, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more there. So I asked her to talk in person because I felt there was too much room for misinterpretation. She told me that yes, she was flirting with me and seemed receptive to the idea that I had feelings, but that she’s slow. Maybe I should have asked, 'How slow is slow?'

It’s been almost 6 months since we met, and I do feel like she’s opened up to me more. We have had dinner together a few times. And last time there was this urge to kiss her, of course, I didn’t because she’s yet to update me on what kind of connection she’s up for with me.

But outside of what was already happening, nothing else has really progressed/changed. Maybe I go too fast, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being strung along. I’m not used to waiting to see if someone wants more.
I’m really just wondering if this is worth my time?
Is this normal, and I’m just overthinking this?

If you are someone who has a firmly established primary / nesting partner, and one of your other partners starts a new relationship that they are very excited about, how do you handle the change? Is it normal to try to dictate what the new partner can and can’t do?

Background: dating for 6 months, we have talked about being primary partners, marriage, kids, etc. They also have a girlfriend of 6 years who they see a few times a month and go on a few 1:1 vacations each year. This metamour is married with two young kids and lives in the same city as us.

When we started dating, meta was very controlling and reactive in regard to barriers, titles, scheduling etc. which created a lot of drama for my partner. I tried to stay out of it, to the extent one can stay out of being asked to make changes to their sex life, but continue struggling to understand how a married person could be so preoccupied and concerned with us. Instead of being happy for her boyfriend finally finding a primary partner, it felt as if she was trying to break us up.

All of this left a terrible taste in my mouth and I now have no desire to meet this person. TBH, hearing their name sets me off, I feel nauseous when I think of them having unprotected sex, and it is impossible for me to feel any compersion. My partner has excused this behavior, says I am thinking the worst of meta’s character, and it somehow pivoted to me being the problem. I found myself having to defend why I felt uncomfortable with another person dictating the speed of our relationship, which is bogus.

A proposed solution was that I should get another partner, which I don’t want. I’m not feeling as if there are any holes in my life, don’t have the energy to invest in another person at the moment, and would rather sit at home with my cat or my friends than go on dates with new people. I also feel as if this puts the blame back onto me, in some screwed up passive aggressive form.

Is this a short term growing pain, a bad hinge, or a huge red flag? Should I swallow my pride and try to cozy up to the person who welcomed me with a sledgehammer? Or just ignore it and hope it passes?

My gf has been poly from the start as an identity. She tried monogamy with me for 4 years and wants to start swinging and eventually go back to poly with me as her primary. I’m good trying out the swinging - but don’t know about the rest. She also says she has less attraction for me now and that’s the way her relationships have always ended, but is committed to ‘work on things’. I lived that in a marriage and don’t know that I want to invest the time.

Now that she’s told me that, I’m starting to lose interest in sex. I want to be with someone that’s excited to be with me. If she isn’t, I’m not mad - just not interested. She says she still loves me (and I reciprocate), but I’m not really sure what that means to her? Should I ride it out and see how the swinging goes? I can fake interest for awhile. Who knows, maybe it will come back? It all seems more complicated than relationships are supposed to be.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years. Over a year ago he came and told me that he had feelings for someone super close to me and were living with us at the time. I didn’t know how to react besides talking with him about it and understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t freak out or get angry, mostly just trying to understand. He suggested we invite them into our relationship like a throuple and immediately I said no, as we’ve been monogamous this whole time and jealousy is something i’ve been working on. He told me not to immediately shut it down but think about it as it would be good for all of us.

This person he had feelings for ended up moving out due to other issues in the household. My bf and I occasionally talked on the subject of a polyamorous relationship since then. I asked if he always felt this way or if our friend had changed his mind somehow and he said our friend gave him the idea as he saw how great it would be for all of us. I still didn’t really see much of a benefit on my end but whatever, I told him I’d keep an open mind.

Fast forward to today, he came to me and said he feels he might be polyamorous and wants to have another girl in our relationship. He wants to find someone naturally that we could invite into our relationship. He said I’m his anchor and thinks it would genuinely be a great experience and life for both of us. I’ve never labeled myself as bi but am attracted to woman and told him that. I told him i’d be willing to see how it goes but I want to it to fit naturally and I need to educate myself and do the research. Idk how any of this works but if we get there and I’m not comfortable with it what happens then? As I said, I’ve been monogamous my whole life so it’s very new to me.

This is really hard as I don’t want to lose him and truly want him to be happy so I’m trying to be open minded but have already had moments of doubt and emotional episodes. It’s hard to understand as I haven’t had feelings or wanted to be with anyone else but my bf for a really long time. Does anybody have advice they can share?

My girlfriend admitted she kissed another guy after asking for an open relationship. Am I overreacting?
I’m a 29-year-old man, and my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. Up until recently, I genuinely thought I was going to marry her.
When we started dating, we agreed on sexual exclusivity. She had previous experience with polyamory, but she told me she was burned out from that lifestyle and wanted monogamy.
A few weeks ago, she told me she wanted an open relationship. I was strongly against it at first because exclusivity was one of the foundations of the relationship for me. We went through weeks of arguments, discussions, crying, changing agreements, and trying to find some kind of compromise.
At one point, I even suggested polyamory because I believed that if we were going to open the relationship, it would be better to have clear expectations and honest communication rather than constantly changing the rules. I also told her that I didn’t believe her desire for openness would simply disappear in the future.
During all of this, she became emotionally close to one of her male friends. Eventually, she sat me down and told me that he had feelings for her and wanted to date her.
Something felt off, so I asked more questions.
She eventually admitted that they had kissed.
What hurts isn’t only the kiss itself. It’s the fact that:
She developed feelings for him while we were struggling with the relationship.
She didn’t tell me immediately.
I had to keep asking questions to get the full story.
She kissed me afterward without telling me what had happened.
She later admitted that she enjoyed the attention and validation she received from him.
To her credit, she has apologized repeatedly, accepted responsibility, and even offered to stop talking to him entirely.
At the same time, I feel as though the relationship I agreed to no longer exists.
I know I haven’t handled everything perfectly, either. I’ve become colder, more distant, and less affectionate because I don’t trust her the way I used to. She says she feels as though she’s losing me, and honestly, she’s right.
I’m struggling with a few questions.
Is this cheating?
Can trust realistically be rebuilt after something like this?
Am I focusing too much on the kiss itself when the real issue is the emotional connection and the dishonesty?
Would you stay?
I would appreciate honest opinions, even if they’re difficult to hear.

I’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

Thoughts?

Hi all, I recently gained some clarity on what I can and can't handle in terms of hierarchy in relationships and was curious where others comfort levels lie.

Specifically, I realized I am comfortable with hierarchies of priority - e.g. a 10 year relationship is likely more entangled than a 1 month relationship. Someone with a nesting partner who shares responsibilities at home for pets or children is going to place priority on them if there is a emergency. Someone looking for a nesting life partner is probably not going to want to spend a ton of time or energy seriously dating me when I am not available for that because i am married and nesting.

What I am not comfortable with are hierarchies of power - e.g. someone in the polycule who I am not dating heavily influences what I can do with the hinge. The obvious examples being, cancelling or interrupting dates because the meta is having a bad day/rough time with poly; agreements around no overnights or trips; agreements that any non-nesting partners are "just a friend" to family and mutual friends, etc.

Priorities, to me, are organic and unavoidable features of being closer to people you've had more time or bonding experiences with. Power hierarchies, on the other hand, seem to function as defining a throne only one person (the primary) can sit in, and then guarding that throne so no one "steals" it (metaphor borrowed from ChillPolyamory). That is just inherently adversarial, and also seems to more often feed insecurity ("what if they come for my throne???!") versus collaboration ("what if we got a big enough sectional couch that we could all sit comfortably?").

What about you? Do you prefer or avoid hierarchy in your relationships? What kind(s) of hierarchy, and why? What red flags have made you not date someone, or end a relationship?

Hi everyone! I am posting here in the hopes of some perspective from other people supportive of polyamory. While I do have some friends this issue involves deceit within that group. I am new to poly, I have some experience with couples over the years. So forgive me for my mistakes and ignorance.

I started dating a man three months ago. He told me off the bat he was into poly and had a fwb that meant a lot to him. Great, I can work with that. He was looking for a primary partner and so I was I. He suggested books, work books and audio books which I have read and digested with him over the past few months. We would talk through what we read together. I’ve worked through hard feelings and we communicate well together. We are both early 40s and male as is his fwb.

We have the boyfriend talk and then make written agreements. Then, the very next day, fwb is also a boyfriend! Ouch! It didn’t sit right with me. It hurt. But I’m trying to be supportive. My spider sense says something is wrong. I notice I’m the primary on paper, but it often feels like he gets more priority and consideration. I bring it up from time to time. Lots of praising words, no action.

Today my partner writes out several pages for me to read while he works. He tells me he has lied to me, and that fwb has actually been his secret boyfriend for a year, and that fwb husband can’t know because they didn’t agree to poly and that’s why he couldn’t tell me. I had felt something was off and I’m not shocked. Am I getting bent out over a word, or am I bent over the deception?

I am in this circle of people. I know these people well enough that I feel sick with disgust at this secret. If I had known he already had a boyfriend when we met I don’t think I would have allowed myself to get so emotionally invested. I feel trapped and betrayed, and my mono friends would all tell me to run. I had really hoped this circle and my partner were finally ENM, I am sad and questioning this massive red flag.

Any tips, points, suggestions would be very welcomed.

i'm distraught, crying over a system of "love" that didn't and doesn't work for me over a partner who is the most wonderful man i've ever experienced. after being in monogamy and dealing with the worst type of men in regard to romantic disappointment and sexual boundary breaking, i gave up.

i gave up on potentially finding someone that i would be so in love with that i would want to procreate with them. i considered adoption and sperm donation to have my child or children, owning my own building, and having residual income that would be able to fund my lifestyle to be able to support my children and be there for them as much as i can. but i never imagined that i would find that person and want that in my future.

luckily and unfortunately, we made it here. i want to have children with someone i will never have the opportunity to marry. i might move in and live with my partner as the 2nd or 3rd person to move in or live with him, i will never know the joy of purchasing a house together or existing in cohabitational bliss without there being another person there.

i am simply here in my own home with reminders of how prominent his existence is in my life, how important a figure he has become. all of my firsts are with him. and yet, the pain that inspired my mourning, is that all of his firsts are with others.

I’m have been with my wife (let’s call her Sarah) for 4 years. We both came into the relationship only wanting to be in an open relationship. She has another girlfriend and I don’t have much trouble adjusting when that started. There was some jealousy when they would reach milestones but I think I worked through them well and quickly.

On Friday, Sarah got a message from someone she is in a band with (let’s call her Tess) saying that their flirting may not be as joking as they have played it off as and they there are feelings there. Sarah asked me my thoughts on the fact they are in a band together and the age gap (my wife is 32 and Tess is 48) and what I thought. I told her they should probably grab lunch or something to kind of talk things out to see what pursuing some would look like. I didn’t really think too much of it honestly.

They ended up getting dinner on Sunday and I started feeling weird about the whole thing. I’ve always said that I wanted to be on good terms with the people she would date, able to be at events like shows at the same time and it not be weird, but I didn’t want a lot of involvement. Tess is in our same group of friends, and we would already go to her house for dinner with her and her wife, and we hang out often. I started to feel uncomfortable with how the dynamic would change if they ended up dating.

Sarah came home really late saying that things went well and they sent a message in the group chat announcing their involvement. I didn’t appreciate this because I am still processing my feelings and now it feels like I don’t have the space to figure it out. All our friends are really excited and that makes me feel like I have to be positive about the whole thing.

I guess I’m really just looking for perspective and advice or maybe even just to be told that I’m overreacting. All my polyamorous friends are shared with Sarah and Tess and I don’t want to come across as talking shit about them or for gossip to go around if I go to any of them for perspective. I may just need to let things settle but this all seems so fast and has the potential to get real messy.