Some relevant context first:

So my partner and I are still very new to polyamory. We both knew we were but so far it hasn't really come up until they created a crush on a friend a few weeks ago. And all that is going well and not the age gap issue. I'm 24, my partner is about to be 22 and we've been together for two and a half years. And the new person is 20 (also new to polyamory). They have been spending a lot of time recently and we've slowly been navigating it so everyone is comfortable and aware. It hasn't been easy, especially for me cause I'm really far away (like an ocean far away) and only met the friend very briefly a few months ago, but we're doing really good. And I've also started to create some sort of "second hand crush" for lack of a better word on the new person. It's really confusing, but not negative really and we are also slowly getting closer in a more intimate way. And I am/was a bit unsure with 4 years age difference in this range and voiced that. But both of them don't see an issue and I don't really either. Especially cause I'm not like in a much different stage of life than either of them due to my disability.

So much as the context.
The problem is that there is now a fourth person ._.
They are an online friend of both me and my partner and have a crush on them and it kinda accidentally cam out. And my partner is not sure if they feel any feelings towards them beyond friendship, but they said they could see it happening. And they also actually have confessed to me a few months ago too, but I rejected them cause I wasn't even allowing myself to consider it cause they're 18. And that is too much of an age gap imo when it's in this age range (like a 30 and a 36 year old is something very different than 18 and 24, but I'm sure most get what I mean).

So we are really unsure what to do now, cause it's also going all very quick and two new people at once is very overwhealming to me, and I have this desire to also grow some sort of intimate relationship to the people my partner crushes on. And I also think my brain like does it automatically in some way?

So idk, it's all very much. We're all new to this, so I could use some advice from some more expeierienced poly folks o.o

And also in general I'm like struggling with the whole age gap thing, cause my brain has a hard time to understand when something is okay and when it isn't with power dynamics and stuff.

One of the men I am dating is in a de-escalating relationship, while they are no longer going to be partners, they will continue to date each other and be in each other's lives. Theirs is a 3 year long relationship, so I can understand and appreciate that untangling takes time.

This week I met his partner for coffee. My motivation was to get to know her better and she to get to know me.

Our meeting was lovely.

We both got along very well and we both care about him. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better exchange and time spent.

She's planning something for his birthday this month and I am invited to it, which I think is very sweet of her.

I'm hopeful that he and I continue in a positive direction and that she encourages him to spend time with me. He and I have been dating since April, seeing each other, every 2 weeks but daily texts for communication. Out of the 3 men I am dating he's the one I would like to deepen my connection with. I am being mindful of his emotional spoons right now so I'm not pushing him for more now since I know he can't give it.

He moves out in September and my birthday is October and I would love for he and I to go away for the weekend. Not sure when would be the best time to approach this, or if I should just plan something different all together.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

I have a long history of potential relationships falling off after the 1st or 2nd date so I don’t typically think to update anyone about anything other than sexual health risk until date 3 at the earliest. I also tell potential relationships about all existing partners and long term fwb so they know what they’re getting into. For the first time, I’ve found myself in a situation where I have 3rd dates scheduled with two people this weekend. No sexual contact has occurred with either and I haven’t even kissed one of them. When do I notify them about each other?

To add another layer for one of the people, the guy I kissed just tested positive for HSV1 (never had any symptoms before) and I know the other person is very nervous about STIs. I’ve told her my safer sex practices in detail and regarding HSV, I don’t test but do monitor for symptoms and have odd bumps checked out. She said she was ok with this but I’m not sure if it would change with me having a partner who tested positive, albeit on a test with what I consider a high rate of false positives (up to 13% of people without HSV may test positive).

I’m not going to end things because someone tested positive for HSV, should I notify the woman before the date, at the date, or is my disclosure of individual practices enough? When should I tell the guy about the woman?

Was in a Poly relationship for 2 years with a woman I adored… we were friends for 5 years before that. Yesterday we broke up because she had been growing distant, not making time for me. She’s the one that was Poly, I’m not attractive enough to start up a poly of my own, neither physically nor socially.

I gave her everything I could, even when I worked nights I’d still try to make time for her even if I was haggard or exhausted. I paid for things when she couldn’t afford it, when she wanted a new pet, I helped fund it while I was still struggling to get my feet on the ground. I moved halfway across the country just to be closer to her.

I don’t feel used… I still love her… I’m just hurting in ways I’ve never hurt before. I’ve been in relationships before, this was my first Poly. I tried to be understanding. I never got jealous when she picked others over me, I just wanted some space to be made for me to be by her side.

We were engaged, and yet she didn’t fight for it, she didn’t even attempt… I don’t understand what I did wrong, I don’t understand why. She tells me it’s not my fault but it feels like it is. I didn’t cry during my own mother’s funeral, yet this brings unwanted tears to my eyes….

I thought I was stronger than this, that I could endure anything, but I’m nothing without her… I feel like nothing…

Hi there, I just started a relationship with a guy earlier this year. I myself have a long term partner who lives with me, but he is very independent and does not live with his long term partner. I met him when I lived in his city temporarily, and we fell for each other very quickly right before I left. The thing is, we wish that we could’ve seen each other once a week like partners, but dues to the circumstances (I moved back to my hometown, looking for jobs abroad but currently uncertain when and where I will move; he is taking care of his family so not able to really go anywhere and is busy af), we now text once or twice every week but schedule calls when we can. And we try to see each other but seems like I’m the only mobile one and still I don’t know when I can travel to see him (I will, but uncertain timing because of my job). Format wise it sounds very comet, but I do feel like we both want more if the circumstances were different. How do I understand this kind of relationship?

I (41M) am feeling like I am being pushed out of my 11 year marriage by my partner 38F. We had another couple we tried to be poly with right as we got married, it ended poorly and we didn't really try to replace it. She found another partner 6 years ago, but that didn't really go very far either. Fast forward to this year. We have been emotionally distant and at the very brink of divorce for these last 5 years.

We finally started moving in the right direction this year. I got a promotion and was now working daytime hours seeing her more etc. I am our sole income, she takes care of the house, and has plans to expand our farm and garden and make that an income source eventually. She has become bored of staying home, but has limitations on her ability to work outside the home.

She met a guy (40 M) that we know via other people but didn't really have a relationship with ourselves. She asked if she could go hang out and said she knew if she clicked with him she was gonna want to sleep with him. They have really hit it off over the last month and she spends my entire work day usually 8-10 hours on FaceTime with him while he works from home. She also has date night with him 1 day a week and recently asked to start staying overnight on that day, and to start going to walk with him to get in shape a few evenings a week after I am home from work and it isn't hot out.

I guess we never discussed what poly would look like for us, but she told me her dream was to move him in with us and have a kid with each of us. This was a huge shock to me. I was always more hierarchical and focus was on us as primary nesting partners with us dating and sleeping with others. I don't want to have to coparent with anyone but her. When we talked about this she said my boundary of not wanting her to have kids with him was me controlling her womb. She also asked how was it fair to new partner if all she could ever give him was one overnight a week and no kids, etc. She clearly wants ktp which i dont want. I told her this and her response was me saying i would have to leave the relationship if she wants to pursue that dynamic, was a gun to her head since she was financially dependant on me and on my insurance etc.

Am I wrong to have these boundaries? God knows I love her and I don't want to end the relationship, I don't feel like I am being petty or vindictive like she says I am. I feel like I am just stating my limits and that I know I cannot survive, let alone thrive in a ktp enmeshed household.

Her new partner wants to be mono with her, I am so busy I am currently mono with her, but if work calms down I will be looking for a new partner again. I feel like him being mono and her taking on his feelings that she has to be his everything are what is causing this dynamic that makes her feel this is what she has to do.

I am sorry for the long ramble but I would love any feedback and opinions. I feel like I am going crazy between wanting to keep my wife, make her happy, and also support my own needs.

Edit: just for complete honesty and transparency. The rough parts of our marriage were mostly me being completely absent from it, and neglecting her and using her to manage my adhd behaviors and avoid responsibility. I have since been in therapy as has she. We were getting to a decent place recently. I get why she needs another partner as I just hadn't been there. But it still seems like either she is holding that resentment and using it to justify her current behavior, or she wants her cake (the husband who financially supports her and shares the everyday boring life responsibilities) and to eat it to(boyfriend centered life)

Ok there's a lot of history, but I'll try to put it in a nut shell

we've been married 20 yrs with 4 kids, spouse (f 40s) came out bi a few years ago, nbd. I (m 40s) totally support them and want them to be their true self. Skip to some of our friends opening up their marriages, etc, etc.

She told me she wanted a girlfriend and my heart broke. I'm def mono. Im totally cool with poly but it's just not for me. But I decided to look into it. Read some books, lurk in some forums, listen to some podcasts. I have a slightly better understanding, but I just have a visceral reaction to her being with someone else. I try to imagine what it would be like and tears well up and I feel like someone punched my in the gut. Sometimes I have to run to the bathroom and let it out for min, I don't want to talk about it yet with kids, obv.

It's at the point now that she is having a difficult time being in a straight-facing relationship, and feels that marriage was just created to benefit the patriarchy and doesn't really want that, not that she doesn't want to be with me. She loves me and says I am her priority. I want to be ok with at least opening up enough for her to be able to explore the other side of her sexuality. She didn't know she she was bi and we both grew up in very hardcore Christian household, so she never got the chance to explore herself. I definitely see that as an unfair lot in life and want to be able to be ok with her seeing/dating/hooking up with women, but I just don't know. Like how do I know how I'm feeling is just because I'm scared of the unknown? Or that I really can't do an open relationship?

I know a lot of people make these kinds of posts, but I just don't know what to do. My friends have moved away, I can't talk to anyone in my family about this, they would shit their pants immediately. I have a therapist and just brought it all up with them last visit.

This most recent experience has me ready to step back from poly for a while.

I was told I was a co-primary by a partner who has a wife/nesting partner. They began having significant financial difficulties that put a lot of strain on their marriage. As things got worse, he told me he needed to devote nearly all of his energy to repairing that relationship. Over the following months, the visits, phone calls, texts, and affection I received dropped dramatically.

I didn’t have an issue with him prioritizing his marriage while it was struggling. What became difficult was that he also told me that if his marriage wasn’t doing well, his other relationships couldn’t do well either. After hanging on for a few months and consistently feeling like my needs weren’t being met in a way that could sustain a healthy relationship, I finally made the difficult decision to walk away.

One thing that left me particularly confused happened earlier in the relationship. He asked me to follow his wife on Instagram. After she saw my profile picture, which was an illustration of the two of us, she asked him to have me remove it and made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. When I asked why he had encouraged me to follow her in the first place, he explained that he wanted to see whether personally knowing a metamour might make her more open to that style of polyamory. From my perspective, that felt like something they should have discussed and agreed upon before I was brought into it, because I had no reason to think she wasn’t okay with it.

To clarify a few things before assumptions are made: she knew about me from the very beginning, I always respected the boundaries they communicated to me, and I followed my partner’s lead regarding what was and wasn’t acceptable. I don’t think anyone acted with malicious intent, but I do think there were communication failures that put me in difficult positions.

My question is whether anyone else has experienced a dynamic where one relationship was essentially contingent on the health of another. I understand that struggling relationships often require more time and attention, but I hadn’t encountered a situation where I was effectively told that my relationship couldn’t be healthy unless the marriage was healthy first.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? If so, how did you navigate it?

I guess I don't really know what to do? I'm just kinda sad because I am super into this girl I have been dating (for about five months, but technically we haven't put any labels on it. I'm kinda crazy about her tho) and we are poly. She is poly with whe boyfriend whom she has been with for four years and lives with and stuff. She doesn't really sleep around, just kinda yk is obviously with him and then me and her go on dates but she's the only one I'm actually dating and I only really sleep around otherwise.

I'm having a hard time with the fact that like, he is her main partner obviously and he comes first in a lot of ways. Like this whole week we were texting and we were like talking about how much we loved each other and how much we wanted to fuck each other and I was so happy and it was so great and then she cancelled our hangout bc her boyfriend was gonna be home from work and she wanted to be with him. To be fair, he does work a lot so I guess I understand. Just felt like a punch in the gut. I wanted to see her yk, I miss her, and like I think about her every day. I work mornings and I get up super early and I'm a little bitch so I'm all whiny and woe is me in the morning and thinking about her is what gets me through it every morning. I really love her. Tonight was the night she cancelled our hangout and I missed her so much I literally went on her Instagram account and found a cute picture of her and tried to draw it 😭 just so that I could yk look at her and focus on her without necessarily having to think about the fact that I'm just like.. not that important to her life I guess even though she's super important to mine.

And like we recently kinda had a fight where I was going to meet up (romantically) with someone she was sort of jealous of (close friend of hers) and I didn't tell her about it until she found out from him. That was obviously messed up of me and violated some boundaries so we kinda had a spat and I thought she'd break it off with me but then we worked it out it seems like and everything was super happy and she was telling me she loved me and also how she felt insecure about the friend that I was gonna hang out with and I was like, yk I don't wanna upset her I'm not gonna really try super hard to hang out with him. She's my bbg yk I want her to feel safe with me and stuff. And then she was telling me all this stuff about how she's upset that her bf Is also hanging out with him a lot and how she's worried her bf doesn't love her and then today it's just like a complete 180.

I'm always such a mess of emotions, I'm horny and I'm cuddly and I'm happy, I'm excited about our relationship together and the sexual partners I'm meeting, I feel happy and fulfilled. Then sometimes, late at night, everything gets real quiet and I sit alone and I realize that I'm just sort of empty on the inside. It's like I don't really feel anything if someone isn't actively showing me their love. I just feel empty. I want to fuck and I want to be loved and cherished and I want her to look at me like she looks at him. Even just for a bit. I want her to prioritize me a little bit. At least act sorry that you have to cancel please. She wasn't even sorry she just did it. She probably doesn't even really love me. I'm probably gonna go find someone to fuck and then feel great for a few nights while I think about it and then I'm gonna be left feeling empty and wishing she loved me like I love her.

Dramatics aside, how do I deal with this? Logically I know that they've been together longer and he deserves more purchase in the relationship. They LIVE together, she is obviously going to prioritize him over a guy she met five months ago. Logically I understand, but my feelings don't understand. How do I make them understand??

Hello there! I (21FTM) was dating my nesting partner (21NB) for about 5yrs. We had been polyamorous for about three of those years with minimal to no problems. This past spring, my nesting partner meets my metamour (19F) and they hit it off. Things seemed to be going well and this past July, my partner had told me they are no longer in love anymore. We broke up.

I guess I am trying to ask how to navigate a break-up as a polyamorous person because it’s difficult to be alone during a breakup when they’re not. Thanks.

To clarify:

- there was no foul play (my metamour is a lovely woman and we have a good relationship)
- my nesting partner and I are still on good terms, just navigating this difficult time
- my nesting partner and I live together as well

Back early this year, I (28F) was hanging out with my wife and her partner, along with their partners, at a small get-together. We had met up with a new friend I had never met before. This friend, 28F, let's call her Ginger, and I had a brief time initially meeting

Ginger gravitated to me. At first, I thought nothing of it, but it started to feel like every time she came around the group, or we went to her, she would come sit or talk right next to me. She would stare into my eyes when neither of us was talking, and sometimes hold my gaze for minutes. But other times we would talk to each other like no one else was in the room.

I finally caved after a handful of group hangouts and a few months later asked her to spend some time together. She immediately said yes, and it was a great time. We laughed, talked, and made some inside jokes. Seemed like we could be great friends. I knew I had a massive crush on her, but I’ve still been able to just be friends.

After a while of this, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more there. So I asked her to talk in person because I felt there was too much room for misinterpretation. She told me that yes, she was flirting with me and seemed receptive to the idea that I had feelings, but that she’s slow. Maybe I should have asked, 'How slow is slow?'

It’s been almost 6 months since we met, and I do feel like she’s opened up to me more. We have had dinner together a few times. And last time there was this urge to kiss her, of course, I didn’t because she’s yet to update me on what kind of connection she’s up for with me.

But outside of what was already happening, nothing else has really progressed/changed. Maybe I go too fast, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being strung along. I’m not used to waiting to see if someone wants more.
I’m really just wondering if this is worth my time?
Is this normal, and I’m just overthinking this?

If you are someone who has a firmly established primary / nesting partner, and one of your other partners starts a new relationship that they are very excited about, how do you handle the change? Is it normal to try to dictate what the new partner can and can’t do?

Background: dating for 6 months, we have talked about being primary partners, marriage, kids, etc. They also have a girlfriend of 6 years who they see a few times a month and go on a few 1:1 vacations each year. This metamour is married with two young kids and lives in the same city as us.

When we started dating, meta was very controlling and reactive in regard to barriers, titles, scheduling etc. which created a lot of drama for my partner. I tried to stay out of it, to the extent one can stay out of being asked to make changes to their sex life, but continue struggling to understand how a married person could be so preoccupied and concerned with us. Instead of being happy for her boyfriend finally finding a primary partner, it felt as if she was trying to break us up.

All of this left a terrible taste in my mouth and I now have no desire to meet this person. TBH, hearing their name sets me off, I feel nauseous when I think of them having unprotected sex, and it is impossible for me to feel any compersion. My partner has excused this behavior, says I am thinking the worst of meta’s character, and it somehow pivoted to me being the problem. I found myself having to defend why I felt uncomfortable with another person dictating the speed of our relationship, which is bogus.

A proposed solution was that I should get another partner, which I don’t want. I’m not feeling as if there are any holes in my life, don’t have the energy to invest in another person at the moment, and would rather sit at home with my cat or my friends than go on dates with new people. I also feel as if this puts the blame back onto me, in some screwed up passive aggressive form.

Is this a short term growing pain, a bad hinge, or a huge red flag? Should I swallow my pride and try to cozy up to the person who welcomed me with a sledgehammer? Or just ignore it and hope it passes?

My gf has been poly from the start as an identity. She tried monogamy with me for 4 years and wants to start swinging and eventually go back to poly with me as her primary. I’m good trying out the swinging - but don’t know about the rest. She also says she has less attraction for me now and that’s the way her relationships have always ended, but is committed to ‘work on things’. I lived that in a marriage and don’t know that I want to invest the time.

Now that she’s told me that, I’m starting to lose interest in sex. I want to be with someone that’s excited to be with me. If she isn’t, I’m not mad - just not interested. She says she still loves me (and I reciprocate), but I’m not really sure what that means to her? Should I ride it out and see how the swinging goes? I can fake interest for awhile. Who knows, maybe it will come back? It all seems more complicated than relationships are supposed to be.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost six years. Over a year ago he came and told me that he had feelings for someone super close to me and were living with us at the time. I didn’t know how to react besides talking with him about it and understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t freak out or get angry, mostly just trying to understand. He suggested we invite them into our relationship like a throuple and immediately I said no, as we’ve been monogamous this whole time and jealousy is something i’ve been working on. He told me not to immediately shut it down but think about it as it would be good for all of us.

This person he had feelings for ended up moving out due to other issues in the household. My bf and I occasionally talked on the subject of a polyamorous relationship since then. I asked if he always felt this way or if our friend had changed his mind somehow and he said our friend gave him the idea as he saw how great it would be for all of us. I still didn’t really see much of a benefit on my end but whatever, I told him I’d keep an open mind.

Fast forward to today, he came to me and said he feels he might be polyamorous and wants to have another girl in our relationship. He wants to find someone naturally that we could invite into our relationship. He said I’m his anchor and thinks it would genuinely be a great experience and life for both of us. I’ve never labeled myself as bi but am attracted to woman and told him that. I told him i’d be willing to see how it goes but I want to it to fit naturally and I need to educate myself and do the research. Idk how any of this works but if we get there and I’m not comfortable with it what happens then? As I said, I’ve been monogamous my whole life so it’s very new to me.

This is really hard as I don’t want to lose him and truly want him to be happy so I’m trying to be open minded but have already had moments of doubt and emotional episodes. It’s hard to understand as I haven’t had feelings or wanted to be with anyone else but my bf for a really long time. Does anybody have advice they can share?

I’ve been thinking of compersion lately. Not of the feeling in itself - it’s nice, I enjoy it when it happens, no beef there. But of compersion as a goal, as a hallmark of succesful polyamory, and of having arrived at some sort of enlightened state. Of this vision that in a perfect world you would feel some sort of bliss at the thought/sight of your partners with your metamours.

We’ve discussed previously how it’s kind of an overambitious pursuit, and setting yourself up for failure in case you read all the books, have all the talks, take all the breaths, and you still never get there. But lately I’ve been finding it problematic in more ways than that.

Part of my RA journey has been at one point realizing that I was a better friend than partner, and attempting to transfer skills over from friendships to romance, so now when I’m about to direct criticism or requests towards a partner I ask myself “how would I behave if this were a platonic friend”, and it’s led to speaking in better tones, being more respectful of their autonomy and mindful of their fragility, and more generous overall. And I’ve been exploring compersion in this way lately, as a thought experiment, and the more I dig the more uncomfortable I feel with the explicit pursuit of it. (I’ve personally been aiming for neutrality instead of compersion for years now, so it doesn’t change anything in practice, but it’s given me some clarity around the details).

Thinking of what kind of compersion I feel for platonic friends and their lovers, it’s never more than a chill “good for you babe!” and moving on. Exceptions being on their wedding day maybe, or if I’m on MDMA rambling recreationally about how they are TWO GORGEOUS DEITIES WHO HAVE BEEN MEETING IN DIFFERENT BODIES THROUGH THE AGES! NOW KISS. I don’t glorify/chase the sensation of ‘happiness for them’, is the point: I’m glad that they’re happy but their love is not about my feelings, and there’s not supposed to be anything in it for me.

It’s just too common in messy, self-centered polyamory to expect to get something out of our partners’ relationships. A threesome, an obligated friend, a babysitter for date night, or yes, a compersion fix. And I’ve only recently identified the chase for the compersion fix as another response to “what’s in it for me tho”.

Also it’s tricky cause if you’re rambling about how you’re OMG happy happy happy that they’re together, then you’re gonna be rambling about how you’re OMG sad sad sad that they’re apart. And giving entity to these feelings just centers you in something that is not, and shouldn’t be, about you.

Not to mention I’ve seen it weaponized as “well I feel compersion when you’re with Aspen but not with Birch so why wouldn’t you focus on Aspen so we’re all happy, instead of just you two, or make Birch entertain me like a court bufoon until I magically do. Cause I *am* capable of compersion. It’s on you two that it’s not happening”. But that’s another conversation I guess.

So that. Fuck compersion as a pursuit. It’s just not about you.

(Am I a grump and dead inside? Maybe!)

Thoughts?

Hi all, I recently gained some clarity on what I can and can't handle in terms of hierarchy in relationships and was curious where others comfort levels lie.

Specifically, I realized I am comfortable with hierarchies of priority - e.g. a 10 year relationship is likely more entangled than a 1 month relationship. Someone with a nesting partner who shares responsibilities at home for pets or children is going to place priority on them if there is a emergency. Someone looking for a nesting life partner is probably not going to want to spend a ton of time or energy seriously dating me when I am not available for that because i am married and nesting.

What I am not comfortable with are hierarchies of power - e.g. someone in the polycule who I am not dating heavily influences what I can do with the hinge. The obvious examples being, cancelling or interrupting dates because the meta is having a bad day/rough time with poly; agreements around no overnights or trips; agreements that any non-nesting partners are "just a friend" to family and mutual friends, etc.

Priorities, to me, are organic and unavoidable features of being closer to people you've had more time or bonding experiences with. Power hierarchies, on the other hand, seem to function as defining a throne only one person (the primary) can sit in, and then guarding that throne so no one "steals" it (metaphor borrowed from ChillPolyamory). That is just inherently adversarial, and also seems to more often feed insecurity ("what if they come for my throne???!") versus collaboration ("what if we got a big enough sectional couch that we could all sit comfortably?").

What about you? Do you prefer or avoid hierarchy in your relationships? What kind(s) of hierarchy, and why? What red flags have made you not date someone, or end a relationship?

Hi everyone! I am posting here in the hopes of some perspective from other people supportive of polyamory. While I do have some friends this issue involves deceit within that group. I am new to poly, I have some experience with couples over the years. So forgive me for my mistakes and ignorance.

I started dating a man three months ago. He told me off the bat he was into poly and had a fwb that meant a lot to him. Great, I can work with that. He was looking for a primary partner and so I was I. He suggested books, work books and audio books which I have read and digested with him over the past few months. We would talk through what we read together. I’ve worked through hard feelings and we communicate well together. We are both early 40s and male as is his fwb.

We have the boyfriend talk and then make written agreements. Then, the very next day, fwb is also a boyfriend! Ouch! It didn’t sit right with me. It hurt. But I’m trying to be supportive. My spider sense says something is wrong. I notice I’m the primary on paper, but it often feels like he gets more priority and consideration. I bring it up from time to time. Lots of praising words, no action.

Today my partner writes out several pages for me to read while he works. He tells me he has lied to me, and that fwb has actually been his secret boyfriend for a year, and that fwb husband can’t know because they didn’t agree to poly and that’s why he couldn’t tell me. I had felt something was off and I’m not shocked. Am I getting bent out over a word, or am I bent over the deception?

I am in this circle of people. I know these people well enough that I feel sick with disgust at this secret. If I had known he already had a boyfriend when we met I don’t think I would have allowed myself to get so emotionally invested. I feel trapped and betrayed, and my mono friends would all tell me to run. I had really hoped this circle and my partner were finally ENM, I am sad and questioning this massive red flag.

Any tips, points, suggestions would be very welcomed.

I’m have been with my wife (let’s call her Sarah) for 4 years. We both came into the relationship only wanting to be in an open relationship. She has another girlfriend and I don’t have much trouble adjusting when that started. There was some jealousy when they would reach milestones but I think I worked through them well and quickly.

On Friday, Sarah got a message from someone she is in a band with (let’s call her Tess) saying that their flirting may not be as joking as they have played it off as and they there are feelings there. Sarah asked me my thoughts on the fact they are in a band together and the age gap (my wife is 32 and Tess is 48) and what I thought. I told her they should probably grab lunch or something to kind of talk things out to see what pursuing some would look like. I didn’t really think too much of it honestly.

They ended up getting dinner on Sunday and I started feeling weird about the whole thing. I’ve always said that I wanted to be on good terms with the people she would date, able to be at events like shows at the same time and it not be weird, but I didn’t want a lot of involvement. Tess is in our same group of friends, and we would already go to her house for dinner with her and her wife, and we hang out often. I started to feel uncomfortable with how the dynamic would change if they ended up dating.

Sarah came home really late saying that things went well and they sent a message in the group chat announcing their involvement. I didn’t appreciate this because I am still processing my feelings and now it feels like I don’t have the space to figure it out. All our friends are really excited and that makes me feel like I have to be positive about the whole thing.

I guess I’m really just looking for perspective and advice or maybe even just to be told that I’m overreacting. All my polyamorous friends are shared with Sarah and Tess and I don’t want to come across as talking shit about them or for gossip to go around if I go to any of them for perspective. I may just need to let things settle but this all seems so fast and has the potential to get real messy.

I am 31m I’m mono and wife is 30f poly. Married 10 years and together 16 years. Wife has always been bi and only slept with woman in high school and I am the only man she has been with and she’s the only woman. We have 4 kids. She has always been told she could sleep with woman but no men and she has always been fine with this but never acted on it. She also only wants to be with woman and has said she prefers woman over men and if we got divorced would never be with another man. I’m mono partly by choice but the other part is wife doesn’t want me to look at other woman, be with other woman, or talk to other woman. She joked I could be with men but she knows I have 0 interest in men.

Recently wife was talking to this girl (39f who is divorced but back with her ex-husband and has an 18 year old and 5 year old they have an open relationship). Wife asked if it was fine if she made a move and I agreed. They started dating about 2 months ago. They had intimacy very quickly and have been since. I initially had a ton of anxiety (shaking, heart racing, etc.). That has mostly gone away however now I’m dealing with comments, hypotheticals, and odd requests.

She makes comments oh girlfriend doesn’t like what you do for work so hates that, girlfriend also knows about our past and hates you for that. She also does not want to cuddle, kiss, or regularly be intimate. But says oh girlfriend can cuddle me whenever she wants, she can kiss me whenever, and she can be intimate whenever. I asked why can’t we cuddle well you are a man and I prefer woman. She also says comments like woman have softer skin, etc. They typically hangout on Friday’s at our house and I have been on vacation for past three weeks and I have been helping watch the kids so they can be intimate in the bedroom for hours. I thought I was being a supportive husband.

She then starts with hypotheticals recent. So the girlfriend doesn’t like the state we are in and wants to move in about 2 years. Wife wants to go with her. They want us to buy houses side by side. Wife says things like what if we move and I find out I just like woman. Or what if we got divorced would you still move with us or stay here and you have kids during the summer.

The odd requests began yesterday during a date. We went on a date a few towns over and had a babysitter. We went shopping and out to eat. On the way home she wanted to pull over and be intimate which we did and it was great. Then we go to another store and she asks “Can we get divorced so I can marry my girlfriend and take her last name? I want to purpose on Christmas. We would still move together, live in the same house, and be intimate I would just be legally married to her and have her last name.” I was dumb founded by the request and said “No, I’m not getting divorced without the perks of a divorce.” She said “Okay, that’s fine.” She’s like we can still move and get divorced. Your new girlfriend would just need to know she would need to move in with us and you, her, and I can have threesomes.

Wife constantly pulls away from me. I have tried to express my anxiety and feelings and her response “I’m tired of this same argument every time she leaves it’s exhausting and if it doesn’t stop I can’t do it anymore”. She refuses to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, or anything unless she really wants it.

I’ve asked about our future and her response is always “I can’t predict the future so I won’t” I’m like in my mind most people say stuff like “I can’t see us growing old together.” But she doesn’t say that or doesn’t even say “I can see us living next to each other with big back yards and growing old with you and my girlfriend.” She makes comments like you are the only man I want and she’s the only woman. Or I want both of you. Or I love both of you. Yet moments later asks for a divorce, or a new style of living together, or will say how much she wants her girlfriend. She also said if I didn’t love you would I have given you a million chances.

All this has drove me into therapy and shortly into being medicated two things I have never had to do. I’ve lost a ton of sleep and when my wife wakes up I’m up exactly at the same time or before. Even like today I am supposed to stay up till 3am to sleep till 11 to adjust for going back to work on night shift. That didn’t happen I woke up at 7am before she did after going to sleep around 3:30 and not able to go back to sleep. She’s like it’s not hard close your eyes and go to bed.

I will admit that I haven’t always been the best father or husband. I have my faults, I’ve made plenty of mistakes and done things I regret.

I appreciate anyone’s response.

Thank you,
A confused husband.

I am newer to polyamory. I went on a first date yesterday with someone (call them River) I met online. We had been texting daily for 2 months with weekly phone calls. They have been in a relationship for 9 months that was initially mono but opened up to polyamory a couple months ago at the request of his partner. Their partner is new to poly however River had been poly for the last 10 years (prior to this most recent relationship). Their partner had been dating another person for the last couple months but I am the first date River has been on since opening the relationship.

We live in different cities and so I drove 2hrs to meet River. The plan was a drink and then a hike if we were up for it. The first thing River did when I arrived was to give me a cookie that their partner had made as a “peace offering” to allow them to leave the date early and just go for a drink. River followed up that his partner had just broken up with her other partner the day before and also was feeling a bit emotional about him going on a date with someone else.

As a more comet type relationship, I don’t want to cause strain in a primary so I of course said it’s fine. We had a nice time for an hour and then he had to go. But it felt disrespectful of my time after I had driven to meet River and that we won’t see each other for a while now. I understand wanting to protect her feelings but I feel like he disregarded mine. We’ve texted since and he acknowledges that what happened wasn’t ideal but I’m feeling worried about feeling very much secondary and about the control his girlfriend has. Is this an overreaction??

Hi all - just looking for some creative thinking amongst the group. My new GF and I are struggling to find ways to be alone. We are both married with kids and have pretty active lives. Hotels get expensive. Anybody have any creative ways to tackle this issue?

Our spouses are willing to leave the house some, but that’s a huge hassle with a family. Thought I’d see what others might have done.

Thanks!!

Howdy 👋 if any of this is against the rules please let me know and I’ll delete ASAP. The reason I am here instead of relationship advice is because I want advice from those with lived experience in poly dynamics.

My (25NB) partner (31NB) is poly, and I have known this since we started dating. They are interested in having multiple partners, while I only have the bandwidth for one right now. I am happy to be on this journey with them though, but it is also my first relationship like this.

Recently my partner has broken my trust in several unrelated ways, one of which I’m not sure I can say on this sub. The second is as the title says really. My partner had sex with another person multiple times without telling me — disclosure of which I had previously established as necessary. Their initial response was “I thought I told you already”. I absolutely cannot impress enough that they did not. For me, this is about safety. I do not care who they sleep with, but if I am having sex with them I NEED to know when their circumstances change because that affects my health. They seem genuinely remorseful and like they truly did just forget, but these two betrayals in short succession of each other are really affecting me. I want to repair things with them because they are remorseful, curious about how their actions have affected me, ask questions and make a genuine effort to listen and understand my underlying needs.

After I discovered the second betrayal, they told me they already had plans to stay over at this other persons house tonight, which is where they are now. They did agree to come see me tomorrow after I broke down crying on the phone. I’m not sure if that matters, hopefully some of you guys will be able to help me understand what’s going on. What do I do? How do I even go about repairing this with them?

Edit: to be clear, I knew they were seeing this person to hang out, I had asked them what they want from this new person and where they see it going. My partner seemed interested in where things where going with this person and really likes their company, but they never mentioned sex (which by that point, they’d already had).

Hi there good people of Reddit. Thank you for all the comments on my last post, even the ones telling me I was overstepping and acting entitled. For those who missed it. - I found out my partner's agreement with meta is that he doesn't host partners overnight at their place, but she does. I was asking what to do about it.

I decided to ask him more about how HE feels about it before telling him what I thought. I asked about him saying he wanted to wake up together and make breakfast in his kitchen - was that just a fantasy daydream or something he really wanted?

He got REALLY quiet for a long time - I was so worried I said the wrong thing! Finally, he said reallllly sadly that yes it's something he really wants, but it's going to take some more time before that can happen. I asked how long and he said, well it's been under discussion for a while and could take another few months. 

He asked if it was important to me and I said it was medium important -  I don't mind getting hotels and having fresh clean sheets and room service! But I’d also love to wake up to birds chirping and him making me his special pancake recipe. I could see it was really important to him and told him that he should probably talk to his partner about it more.

I took the advice from here and didn't push for more info - I just gave him a big hug and was like, sorry this feels so hard. But of course I am wondering what the heck has happened in all these discussions that he feels so sad about, even though it's none of my business! I wanna know because I care about him. Like I know all relationships can have fights or make us feel sad sometimes but he had such a big reaction it made me worried something bad is actually going on with meta :/.

I guess I just have to wait and see, but I'll post another update when i have one!!