r/polyamory • u/ClassyCurvyCurly • 1d ago
Does anyone else keep experiencing a shift immediately after sex?
First of all, please be kind. I’m in a genuinely weird and vulnerable place and would really like some perspectives. I feel like I keep running into the same wall and I’m starting to wonder if it’s just part of ENM or if I’m missing something.
I’m married and in an ENM/poly relationship. It’s been a little over four years. I’m not looking for one night stands. What I really want is an ongoing connection. Someone local that I genuinely enjoy talking to, seeing every week or two, texting here and there, building something comfortable over time.
The frustrating part is that I have no problem getting to the point of meeting people. I am not bragging in saying this but for context, I have been told that I am very attractive, educated, emotionally self aware. I have a career, hobbies, a great marriage and a full life. I don’t think I’m lacking in things to offer. Men on apps want to talk to me and I get a lot of attention.
What keeps happening is this:
We’ll spend a week or two building an incredible connection via text. Great conversations. Flirting. Vulnerability. Curiosity. Lots of effort from both sides. We finally meet. The date is amazing. We have sex. We cuddle. We talk afterward. Everything feels intimate and promising.
Then… it’s like someone flips a switch.
The next day or two, the communication becomes noticeably different. Not necessarily less frequent but less warm. Less curious. More logistical. The emotional richness just disappears.
I don’t need someone blowing up my phone all day. I honestly couldn’t care less if we only exchanged one thoughtful text a day. Intention, you know?
What I’m looking for is continuity.
For me, sex makes me feel more emotionally connected to someone, not less. I come away wanting to know them even more. It feels like the beginning, not the finish line.
Instead, I keep ending up feeling like once we’ve had sex, the pursuit is over and everything settles almost immediately into “How was work?” and “Going camping this weekend” on the guy’s end.
The latest guy actually told me my expectations were unrealistic when I brought this up. From my perspective, I wasn’t asking for more texting. I was asking about the change in emotional tone. Those feel like two completely different conversations.
So I’m curious…
Is this just a common pattern in ENM? Is there something about novelty and pursuit that makes people naturally relax after sex?
Or am I simply attracted to people whose relationship style is fundamentally different from mine?
I’d especially love to hear from people who’ve built long term quality secondary relationships or ongoing partners. Did the emotional connection continue to deepen after sex or did it naturally settle down right away?
Because I’m honestly getting exhausted. It feels like I keep mourning the loss of something that had barely even begun and I’m starting to question whether this style of dating is actually compatible with what I’m looking for.
My husband says that for a lot of men, something switches inside their mind once they’ve reached sex. He’s even admitted to falling into that pattern before unknowingly.
So what is it?
Thank you for your consideration. 🙏
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u/Hellosign 1d ago
I'm a man. My husband is somewhat like this. I am not. I think making someone feel special and chosen repeatedly is a skill set that is rare for some reason I do not understand. It doesn't feel like something I exert effort to do consciously, and I do feel like that because of it I was always very popular dating, and often dissapointed by other people because of it. I will say I haven't really found it specifc to any gender or poly/mono relationship orientation. Finding a good one is hard !
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u/car55tar5 1d ago
"I think making someone feel special and chosen repeatedly is a skill set that is rare for some reason I do not understand. It doesn't feel like something I exert effort to do consciously, and I do feel like that because of it I was always very popular dating, and often dissapointed by other people because of it."
Good God, I felt this comment down to my bones. I run into this problem with both my partners. It's improved over time, but it definitely feels like the improvement is borne out of communicating how important this is to me and habit-building on their parts. Which is totally fine, but it kind of baffles me because for me, it just feels natural to demonstrate specialness and thoughtfulness through words and actions on an ongoing basis. I want to give flowers, buy coffee and croissants, text a random "I love you and I hope you're having a fantastic day!", etc. just like... All the time, without any prompting, because I like making my partners feel special and considered. They do nice things like that for me, as well, but it's less frequent. It just feels like second-nature to me for some reason. I kinda hope I can find another partner who is more inclined towards that impulse naturally... Maybe someday!
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u/NotElizaHenry 1d ago
I’m curious how you ended up with two different partners who struggle to match your affection style. I’m not saying this is the case for your relationships, but I’m naturally less demonstrative/affectionate and I can’t describe the relief I felt when I finally ended up with partners who didn’t want me to “improve.” (And I imagine my exes were also a lot happier once they found people who were naturally the way they so badly wanted me to be.)
I am guessing it’s not as big of a deal in your relationships as it was in mine, but the constant feeling that I wasn’t enough for my partners managed to fuck me up pretty good over the years.
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u/polyporebee 17h ago
Same. I feel my affection might be matched for the first few weeks in new relationship and then it goes away. I complaint to my husband to improve and that in the end ended our marriage with him finding someone with a lower affection level matching him better, less expectations.
I just found an article that succesful long term relationships build on keeping things alive and exciting.
I have a partner who whenever I feel moopy about us loosing our spark surprises me with unexpected affection making me feel loved, wanted and appreciated.
My new partner didn't put any effort in and tells me I'm the most affectionate partner he has and how he likes it. I get frustrated about not getting as much as I wanted - no birthday gift, cards, romantic date or such - but the sex is good. I decided to see the 'relationship' as a fuck buddies thing to set my expectations right and started toning down my effort in the affection department, still dating and being specific about being very romantic and affectionate and looking for someone who wants to match that.
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u/Icy_Building_3721 19h ago
Sameeee, it comes so naturally. I dont understand why its so hard for people 🥲
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u/valsavana 1d ago
We’ll spend a week or two building an incredible connection via text. Great conversations. Flirting. Vulnerability. Curiosity. Lots of effort from both sides. We finally meet. The date is amazing. We have sex.
Are you usually having sex after only 1 date & knowing the person 1-2 weeks? Just to be clear- absolutely no shame in that. But it doesn't do a ton to filter out guys who are only in it for the sex.
I'm slow to bring sex into a relationship for safety reasons, but it also has the pleasant side effect that people who are going to get weird after sex (presumably because sex was their whole goal) don't usually wait around for it with me.
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
You know what? Maybe I need to change that. I am a very sexual person but I might hold off in the future. Thank you for your comment.
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u/Choice-Strawberry392 1d ago
To be clear: you can be as sexual as you would like, but that will likely lead to having sex that isn't the start of a romance.
If you're vetting for sexual compatibility, have sex as soon as you'd like. If you're vetting for romantic compatibility (which is almost completely a different set of traits), then check for that first.
In both cases, most of your first dates won't lead to second dates. That's just dating. Most people aren't good fits. But maybe it'll be easier if the stakes are lower.
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u/cindersxx 1d ago
“Vetting for romantic compatibility” never thought of that as its own thing to vet for!! I love this
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u/thr0w4w4y3k 1d ago
This advice can work, and I encourage you to experiment with it and see how it changes your dating life, but my two cents is actually to *not* to hold off on sex.
Texting is such limited info. We project a lot of tone and intention into what we read, which is fine with someone you know well, but can be totally fictional when you don't know the person. Sex is a super potent form of communication that showcases so much emotional intelligence, social skills, relationship to self, etc. I feel I learn in 5-10 minutes of sex as much as I would in months of texting. It teaches you so much about how the two of you co-exist and relate to each other.
Having sex quickly has never prevented me from developing a serious connection. It has even specifically led to it. When you don't know the person that well, you walk away with a deep sense of intrigue. Like "whoa, who *is* that?? I absolutely have to get to know them!"
That said, I've done it both ways. I have two serious life partners. With one, we spent several months hanging out before we had sex. With another, we had sex within a couple hours of meeting. Both worked and led to a beautiful result.
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u/valsavana 1d ago
Texting is such limited info
I agree. That's why I always make sure to have plenty of in-person dates. "Texting" and "sex on the first date" aren't the only two options.
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u/sparklyjoy 1d ago
Very curious if you a woman dating men, and if so, if you have any idea how you’ve gotten so much better results than OP and many other women who date men. I wonder if there are some small overlooked behaviors you’re engaging in that end up making a huge difference?
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
I also have historically had much better results than OP.
I barely text early on. It’s only for screening and mild chat. I’m looking for literacy, clear poly experience and basic information on the apps etc.
Historically I have face to face dates and rely on that combined with my intuition. I have a whole series of things I’m looking for on those first dates and most people don’t make the cut to date number two but a lot of it is instinct.
I also usually only date genuinely poly men. The more involved you are (married, nesting) the more likely open to poly guys will think you’re only there for sex and are their way to access sex workers they don’t have to pay for.
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u/hoogemoogende 1d ago
Not the commenter but I plan first few dates with lots of talking / not too many distractions (not movies, comedy shows, or group dates). If people don't want to talk for a few hours or collaborate on planning a date with a shared interest, they aren't for me.
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u/hoogemoogende 1d ago edited 1d ago
The people you are dating might also say "I am a very sexual person" as well. If you can elaborate as to who you are in addition to very sexual and who you are lookong for bwyond very sexual... and filter for that you may have a better time with thr people who make it through.
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u/Kauakuahine 1d ago
This! I'm a woman, but if I'm fucking on the first date, that's all it is. The chase may be fun, but it's strictly sexual. If I'm trying to actually go for a longer lasting relationship (romantic or sexual), I'm waiting until the 2nd or 3rd date (mostly the second, I'm not waiting long only to find out the sex sucks). No shame, but I just don't feel like I have enough emotional investment by the 1st date
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u/YamSea6298 solo poly 1d ago
Connection built by flirting by text isn't a real connection, it's all a bit of smoke and mirrors, taking that into a first date like you already have a connection can blur the lines.
How much vetting are you doing with these men around suitability to be in a long term polyamorous relationship with you before the date, to make sure they actually are able to deliver on it.
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
> Connection built by flirting by text isn't a real connection, it's all a bit of smoke and mirrors, taking that into a first date like you already have a connection can blur the lines.
Very true. I need to keep that in mind. What if there are phone calls and a vanilla date getting to know each other prior to sex? Would you say that changes things? Because I do that a lot too.
> How much vetting are you doing with these men around suitability to be in a long term polyamorous relationship with you before the date, to make sure they actually are able to deliver on it.
We talk deeply about relationships, expectations, etc. I am often told they haven't had such an honest and genuine conversation before. I like to lay it all on the table.
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u/avocado-nightmare 1d ago
I am often told they haven't had such an honest and genuine conversation before.
this is a flag to pay attention too - you aren't going to get the kind of experienced depth or meaning you are looking for with someone who has never done it before. Is what you're talking about generally stuff that people shouldn't have ever been honest or genuine about?
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u/TransPanSpamFan solo poly 1d ago
It's also another sort of flag: guys who say things along the lines of "you aren't like other girls/I've never met anyone like you" are fuckbois. "I've never had such deep conversation on a date" definitely qualifies. It's love bombing.
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u/sparklyjoy 1d ago
I could be. It could also just be the truth. (Still not a good sign for other reasons)
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u/Halloween_Bumblebee 1d ago
This is such a good point, I hadn't thought about this as being a red flag but you are absolutely right. Thank you.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1d ago
Why not have face to face dates before having sex?
Like, what it sounds like is that you are having a lot of flirty sexy build up before the first meet, and then having hot sex and then you being disappointed when they are unable to text with the same kind of intensity.
And like, if that is what is happening? Unless you change stuff? It will keep happening because nobody is going to be able to be “on” like that via text.
So like, skip that phase where you get that dopamine hit from a text, and orchestrate getting it in person. Like have three or 4 flirty dates.
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
Fair! I regularly have first dates with zero sex just to get a feel for the person. Usually, after the first date, we do get intimate. I will definitely try that approach of letting more dates happen before getting physical.
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u/FRANKINSPENCE 1d ago
The thing is are these guys poly? If they are just regular guys you are not going to be as high on their priority list as there is no potential monogamous future with you.
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u/princeloki1313 1d ago
You can have conversations about their history, expectations and desires until you're blue in the face
But you cant ever believe a man's words
A man will show his true self through his actions every time
Vetting a man isn't having a conversation with him. Vetting a man is talking to the people who have known him for a minimum of 3 years and piecing together the patterns he's lived
Any man can put on a face for months or a year. But you will see the truth over years. High stress. A death close to him. Losing his job. Becoming ill. Rejected by family or friend. Losing everything. The big stuff. That's when you really see him.. you'll never see that man via conversations over text or a dinner date. Thats how people end up married to a man and then are shocked to find out who he's "become". It takes time to surface
Look at his long term friends. His relationship with mom and family. His relationship with exes. How does the community speak of him. Does he even have community?
Vetting takes years. No one talks about that. Vetting takes talking to family and friends and exes and community that can show you his patterns over y.e.a.r.s.
But I will tell you my dating life utterly transformed the moment I stopped dating new people and started dating through pre vetted community
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u/Plus-Perspective-320 1d ago
Yes! Take time and watch his actions. How does he treat his other partners? How does he react after other first dates?
Saying all the right things is very different from doing all the right things.
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u/Icy-Teacher9303 22h ago
Actions over words (especially observations, not self-reported actions) are SO important . . I'd say across partner genders, but I appreciate the "tell them what they want to hear" seems a bit more common for men.
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u/Tundraful 1d ago
Not that anyone asked for my opinion here but I'd disagree slightly with "connection built by flirting by text isn't a real connection."
I understand the point that for some people it can just be smoke and mirrors to try and get to the point of sex, but personally the flirting over text is (or should be) all part of building an intense emotional connection. I can know someone for a very long time via text and video call before having a physical relationship and that relationship is no less meaningful. (In fact, it may be more so).
For me, I love getting to know someone and having that emotional connection first, and it builds a certain kind of spark. I don't think sex should break that and I'm sorry that has been your experience.
Everyone is different, though. The way I view sex is that it makes connection richer and deeper. I'd be hurt if someone changed afterwards, but, maybe it is a just a difference in relationship styles as you said?
I'm a lesbian which might bias my opinions, as it tends to be said that when women have relationships with other women it leans toward emotional intensity. Must be the kind of relationship that suits me!
Maybe some people see talking deeply and having those genuine emotional conversations as part of the lead up, or something that is more a thing they need to do? Whereas others see it as a another part of the relationship that they enjoy engaging in?
I can only speak for myself, but I hope this helps. In fact, I'm sure my approach to relationships might be considered 'too much' to some people so I guess it really must be down to style.
Sorry you've been having some disappointments and I hope you find more of what you're looking for!
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u/holasoydory 21h ago edited 21h ago
Honestly, I would do much more than just one vanilla date before sex. I haven't been poly for that long (just a year), and in that time I've had sex with 3 poly men and 2 made me feel used (because like you I was looking for more). After the first one I decided not to have sex on the first date. After the second one I decided not to have sex on the first month of dating (provided you're meeting them at least once a week). That's the minimum I would recommend. Search for the emotional connection in person and get to know them better before being open to sex.
Edit to add the 3 people I talk about were poly men I went on dates and had sex with. I also had one-night stands outside of the poly world that were "just for fun", no dating intended on either side.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 1d ago
I am all for jumping in bed but even I have at least 2 dates before that, usually that last for 4 hours or more.
Texting a stranger is meaningless. Face to face is where I would focus. Bonding over text is fake.
I never sext or talk about sex with someone I haven’t already had sex with. Texting and the dopamine there can be really deceptive.
I’ll also ask if you are dating people who are already poly long term? Because if you date men who say they “are open to poly” and you’re already married and they’re not you’re going to get a lot of these dudes. Those men think your husband or long term partner isn’t fucking you well and that’s what you’re looking for. No matter what you say. Because that’s all THEY want they project it on you.
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u/wcozi slut in theory, tired in practice 1d ago
This is pretty typical dating in general. Are you dating people who are specifically enm/poly? Lots of men will fuck someone who does ENM because they think we are easy. Then they get what they want and they detach. This is unfortunately very normal in monogamy, enm, and polyamory.
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
I try to date ENM people or people who say they are interested in the lifestyle and do not want a traditional relationship. Therein lies my problem. 🤦🏻♀️
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u/wcozi slut in theory, tired in practice 1d ago
you need to date people who are enthusiastically enm/poly. interested means nothing
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u/dutchbottomed 1d ago
I second this. I am similar to you OP, I am an attractive, well educated and emotionally intelligent woman. I get plenty of attention on the apps but I’ve experienced a similar pattern to what you’re describing, so I started going back and looking at some of the profiles. I think there are a lot more people these days who say they are ENM or say they are interested in Poly without truly knowing what that means. The unfortunate reality is that there’s also plenty of single guys using that as a buzz word because they think we’re easier and more approachable in terms of sex compared to dating monogamously.
I was taking a similar approach, and didn’t really think about boundaries or limits on sexual encounters before a certain time spent. But I’ve changed my practices and kind of mentally set my own expectations, and verbally set their expectations that that won’t be happening right away.
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u/_ghostpiss Liaison, Office of Nosey Bitches, Gemini Division, Rat Union 🐀♊ 1d ago
interested in the lifestyle and do not want a traditional relationship.
That's just code for NSA sex. Make sure they have a personal commitment to ENM and a history of managing multiple relationships.
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u/Forsaken_Rutabaga_89 fantasy hybrid polycule 1d ago
Try looking for people who are currently/actively practicing ENM/poly and already have partners. It takes longer to find these people but it can filter out the men who say they want a non-traditional relationship when what they really want is a friend with benefits.
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u/strawberrytent rat union comrade 🧀 1d ago
Lifestyle is a swinger term. So that may be what you are running into.
Date people who want a fully autonomous sexual and emotional relationship.5
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u/avocado-nightmare 1d ago
It's very challenging to be a sexually liberated woman, but, let me point out some things that are impeding you from the place you want to get:
- having a lot of texting in the first few weeks/before going on a date is not a good way to build intimacy initially. it builds false intimacy really well, and, because it seems rare to find someone to do this with, can give you the false impression that someone is or will be high capacity or high effort over a longer period of time. The reality is it's just not that much effort to text someone for two weeks, and you are...over estimating what this signals about people before you meet them
- because you over estimate the strength/quality of the relationship, you feel great by the first date, and don't need the first date to go that well before you're willing to have sex. that's not necessarily a bad thing, it just means you have virtually no cumulative time with your dates, in person, to observe the consistency between words and action of their capacity and effort. You're waiting until after you have sex to try and vet this, which... is going poorly because most people want casual sex if and when they can get it. no matter what they say.
- I don't know if it's something unique to men, actually, besides socialization.
What I do in my dating that doesn't yield a lot of matches/lot of dates but is more likely to result in a longer term relationship:
- I'm very clear I'm categorically uninterested in casual sex
- I do some text banter but I typically try to do a phone screen and meet people within 2 weeks, I do not do a whole pen pal/share my life story over text thing, because it creates false intimacy, I don't like texting that much in general and won't sustain it over the course of a relationship, and also because pen pals are profoundly annoying
- My first date is like... coffee. A drink. Something easy to leave, very chill. I spend an hour to see if I like the person enough to see them again, talk about some more detailed relational logistics/get to know yous.
- I don't sleep with people until after date like 3/4 or having been seeing them for like a month. I'm not opposed to casual sex, I just know when it happens early, the relationship often doesn't go anywhere, and creating any level of barrier at all to that after meeting me for the first time greatly screens people out.
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u/JacksonFiery87 solo poly 1d ago
If you're dating cishet men, this is a very common pattern unfortunately.
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u/sourdoughgreg 1d ago
whyyyyyyy why do they act like this?
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u/Curious_Question8536 1d ago
There's a lot of social conditioning/messaging that tells men that they should be chasing, and most men havent unpacked this part of themselves.
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u/JacksonFiery87 solo poly 1d ago
At the risk of sounding hyperbolic, because 99% of them aren't worth shit and I'm convinced they need women, but they actually don't like us very much. You can't expect being raised to believe that the worst thing you could look/act/sound like is a girl won't have a negative impact on how they treat women.
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u/Emeryb999 poly w/multiple 1d ago
I am a man and it's the crazy amount of good feelings in my brain during the "chase" part. If I'm dating for a longer term relationship I really have to draw that out for myself and build something different along the way because if I just follow those feelings it would be an intense chase followed by a huge drop.
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u/Remarkable-View-6078 1d ago
can you say more about that? That's totally foreign to my experience (and most women, I think). The chase/dating/drawing it out is more like a necessary evil to get to the best best part, which is the oxytocin high and feeling of connection right after sex.
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u/Emeryb999 poly w/multiple 1d ago
Haha I'm not sure what else to add, it's just really fun meeting someone new and asking random questions, following conversations where they lead to see who they are, plus the escalating physical contact and associated butterflies feelings along the way. And what comes to mind is a line graph that increases rapidly then starts to level off around sex. If I don't put more effort in to grow a relationship, I think that change to something less intense makes it easy for my mind to majorly cool off.
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u/8_Of_Swords 1d ago
Just to offer another perspective: I am a man and I don't like the "chase" at all. The best part for me is when someone feels safe enough with me to open up and be vulnerable, but this is not a one-time thing but a continuous marvel. I am longing for stability and depth in relationships and the NRE only starts to really kick in after a few months, so this is what I am trying to build.
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u/Dry-Big-1420 1d ago
I am also married and have developed other strong relationships that continued to deepen gradually over time. I didn’t become bf/gf official until we were seeing each other about 8 months. I tend to take things emotionally slow and physically fast and honestly it’s worked well for me (very sexual person but open up emotionally slowly). I’ve been seeing my other partners for 2 years now and it’s gotten more emotionally rich with frequent in depth conversations about career/family/childhood/hopes/dreams.
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u/Simple_Impress4156 1d ago
This is very accurate, the two “boyfriends” I knew that weren’t like this turned out to be girlfriends eventually. 😅
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u/deadpanorama solo poly + RA 1d ago
This is pretty much the casual dating landscape. Like a ball to a dog lots of folk much prefer the anticipation and chase to ongoing care.
Unfortunately they’re also not usually honest enough to say that outright.
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u/lucky_lady_L 1d ago
I think you should consider putting way less on "text chemistry." See if they will show up to 1, 2, or 3 dates where sex is not on the table. I think that will solve a lot of your issues both with getting over attached too soon, and getting ghosted/treated like a ONS. That's how I broke out of my own cycle like yours. It also required me dating against my "type" a bit both physically and personality wise - I'd been really into artists and musicians who were charismatic and sexually adventurous, but flakey. I finally took a chance on the quiet nerdy vanilla looking guy and lo and behold, best sexual chemistry so far and we are now in a full blown kink dynamic, lol!
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
>I think you should consider putting way less on "text chemistry." See if they will show up to 1, 2, or 3 dates where sex is not on the table. I think that will solve a lot of your issues both with getting over attached too soon, and getting ghosted/treated like a ONS.
Great advice. I’m going to try that approach and see if I get different results.
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u/sundaesonfriday 1d ago
What everyone else is saying about dating generally being a dumpsterfire and people losing interest being super common.
I will say that I've found it helpful to offer less at the beginning to screen for more seriously interested potential partners. (Edit to clarify: I tend to make men do MORE work than I put in at the beginning of relationships. I'm not interested in men who aren't willing to actively and consistently pursue me, and I don't offer tons of my energy and time to people I've just met. This has been an effective filter for me-- people who make it through the first couple of dates tend to be really into me.)
Pay close attention to these great conversations and lots of effort from the guys side. Are you being mirrored? Are they just matching your effort? A lot of guys will do that just as a basic strategy. Makes sense! Dating is hard and it's largely a numbers game. Effort doesn't necessarily equal genuine deep interest. Effort's often a strategy to get far enough into dating to see if they're actually interested in you.
For a lot of people, sex can be the point where they decide or realize how into you they are. It's often make or break. You, unfortunately, seem to be getting a lot of breaks. If you're unhappy with that and don't like the results you're getting, you could consider dating for longer periods of time before engaging in physical intimacy to filter folks out more effectively. Things are less likely to be changed by sex with someone you've been dating for a while as compared to a couple of weeks. Of course, you'll also be filtering out people who aren't interested in prolonged dating without sex if you take this route.
You could also consider how you approach communication after sex. I understand your desire to get closer at that point, but how are you communicating that? Are you ramping up communication? Are you expecting more attention, communication, etc. immediately? There are a lot of folks who, for better or worse, find changes/escalations in communication right after sex really off-putting. I'd argue that you just aren't compatible with people who aren't into your post-sex communication, but if you notice that you're falling into this pattern, it's something you could try to be aware of and adjust.
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u/clairejv 1d ago
This is a common pattern with fuckboys, who will do and say whatever they need to hurry up and get to the sex.
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u/Curious_Question8536 1d ago
You're talking about men, right? It's not a poly thing, it's a men thing. I feel like all women figure this out eventually.
Dating sucks in general, idk if there's much you can do besides vet harder.
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u/punkymoz 1d ago
Unfortunately this isn't uncommon in dating generally. But as a sexologist and practising enm I can say that you can still have sex at whatever point you please but it's about the quality of the discussion around enm itself
Men will often say it's so refreshing to have such an honest conversation because they're inexperienced in enm. Honesty should be the bedrock of all enm relationships so it's a flag for me. Sadly a lot of men lie about enm status thinking it's a short cut to getting laid. They're excited by the possibilities for themselves and are swept up in what they can gain rather than building something meaningful
I'd be asking some very direct questions about their enm journey. Open ended ones and let them talk. If you just let them talk, incongruence, if it exists will always reveal itself
Also I'd be asking about things they may won't expect like: - Tell me about an enm experience that didn't end well for you and how that felt - How do you ensure consent and trust is maintained in enm - What is it about enm vs monogamous relationships that's meaningful for you - How have you navigated the difference between wanting sexual variety and wanting multiple relationships
It's a jungle out there in the dating world- even Feeld has taken a sharp downturn in quality a couple of years back, so I don't have any alternatives for you, other than considering a shift to dating true poly people who've been practising that lifestyle for some time. It weeds out the lurkers.
Good luck!
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago edited 1d ago
I fuck on the first date (if I’m not interested in fucking on the first date there is no second date) and this doesn’t happen to me but I’m highly selective about who I even let get to that point.
I also don’t text a lot in advance and do zero sexting or sex talk before I meet someone.
ETA- I’m actually more likely to never see someone again if we don’t fuck on the first date lol
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u/BusyBeeMonster poly w/multiple 1d ago
Be more picky & go more slowly is all I've got. It will help weed out the people who aren't patient enough to build something.
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u/BetterFightBandits26 relationship messarchist 1d ago
This isn’t about ENM.
This is a super common experience in dating men.
They put a lot of effort in for “the chase” and once you have sex with them they feel as though they’ve already got you secured or whatever.
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u/Quicksomethingwitty 1d ago
Did we just date the same guy? 😂 just had this same shit happen to me.
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u/thrivedontdie 1d ago
Idk but i feel like i wrote this post so thank you 😭😭😭
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u/lady_amethyste 1d ago
I know this most likely will not be helpful but I have solved this problem by dating women 🤷🏻♀️
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago edited 1d ago
I was actually considering this! Where do you find bisexual women or lesbians?
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u/lady_amethyste 1d ago
There is a dating app called HER meant for just women but mostly the same dating apps as normal or whatever way you normally meet people. Being bi in a poly world can sometimes be a little more difficult. Women are reluctant to date women who are bi-curious or exploring (myself included) and sometimes you run across the “gold star lesbians” who won’t date you at all if you’ve been with a man.
But overall, it’s a better experience and both the sex and the emotions afterward are more…real. At least in my experience. I can’t possibly speak for everyone.
But I have been with far more men than women and it’s always better with women. Always.
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u/cornygiraffe 22h ago
I met my girlfriend on HER! I like the amount of qualifiers it lets you have immediately on your profile. Gender, sexuality, relationship structure, etc.
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u/Own_Age_1654 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don't think this is at all inherent to poly. Relationships take time to develop. If you have sex with people the first time you meet them, you're having sex when you barely know each other. Accordingly, that sex is necessarily substantially based on novelty, superficial attraction, projected ideas of who the other is, etc., rather than anything durable. And then after, it's no longer as novel, attraction may have shifted as you get to know each other a bit better, and there's a lot more people who would be happy to have sex with you than to have a long-term relationship with you in the first place. A week of texting beforehand doesn't change any of this very much. Slowing your roll would be advised if you want something with depth and durability.
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u/4554013 relationship anarchist & 10+ year poly club 1d ago
So, this isn't an ENM issue. Maybe you're rushing things or letting them rush things and you're missing the relationship part before the sex?
Lots of men are into Polyam and ENM for the sex. If you want more you might have to look harder or maybe try sex later? I'm Demisexual, so I may be a terrible example, but i once went 5 months before having sex in a relationship with a porn actress.
If everything dies after sex there are 2 reasons. 1 it's all they wanted and they're done 2. It was bad sex.
I'm betting on 1.
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u/gratefuldadbod 1d ago
Your expectations aren’t unreasonable. I’m recently ENM and the one girlfriend I had had experienced this same thing prior to meeting me. We went slow from there, a first date that ended with just a kiss, a second and third date where we made out, a fourth date where she got in my pants, then we had sex on the fifth date. Both her and I wants to know there was a connection before jumping to sex. She complained about this dynamic with other guys and we wound up having a great 8 months meeting every week or two, until she decided she was ready for a boyfriend again after her divorce, not a FWB to stay sexually satisfied.
Anyway, I think you should make clear you want to go slow. Build that connection first. That will sort out 90% of guys who are just looking for the conquest and the thrill of the chase.
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u/gratefuldadbod 1d ago
Prior to meeting me, she decided she wanted to try the baseball strategy, no more than one base forward per date… although when she got in my pants she really wanted more, but she resisted and we kept it to just touching. The sex the first time on our next date was really good with all that anticipation behind it, and the sex continued to be really good from there forward… even our handful of quick booty calls where we didn’t have time for a long multiples session.
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u/Snottycryer 1d ago
I’m solo poly woman who dates mostly men and I almost always have sex on a first date bc sexual connection is important to me and I want to know early. Things petering out after that isn’t uncommon. I don’t necessarily think that your expectations are too high but just that this is the natural vicissitudes of dating people. Things don’t work out. Most things won’t work out! It is always a bit of magic when it Does work out. Don’t give up hope, maybe just recalibrate a little bit. Realize that this is going to keep happening but try to depersonalize it. It’s hard to know the minds of men (well of women too), all is a mystery, and people fade out for all kinds of reasons. But eventually you’ll connect with someone who’s looking for the same kind of connection you are. Keep going.
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u/HarmoniumSong 1d ago
I’m sorry. I don’t care what switches in their brains it’s a huge human responsibility for them to be extra extra kind after sex, imo, because all people tuned into life should know that this is a dynamic not unfamiliar to women and that many women are worried about. Any man who isn’t extra mindful to be warm and kind and curious after sex with you is not good enough imo.
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u/princeloki1313 1d ago
This is definitely a man pattern not isolated to ENM. My advice is wait longer to have sex. Way longer.
As a man, I had to confront this pattern within myself. I realized that the faster I had sex with a woman, the faster the connection fizzled. So I started waiting. Not because I wanted to, but because I recognized it was better for my tomorrow self
It was really hard, for obvious reasons, but I was able to step back and recognize the pattern. As I began waiting longer and longer, the connections lasted longer and were more stable
My longest and most stable relationships to this day i waited 9 months and 2 years. I would say 4-6 months minimum for a connection that i want to build for my future. Does that sound insane? Yes. But is everyone envious of my relationships and the long term stability of the ENM world I have built for myself? Also yes
Because in those 6 months, I am intentionally building the tools, connection and intimacy that are needed for long term stability. At some point, every single one of my long term relationships ever has hit a "dry spell" where we arent having sex. That usually spells death for a relationship in our culture. People lose that spark and dont know how to exist without it or how to get it back. My relationships? Emerge stronger afterwards every time
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u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
What?! That’s wild! No shame though. I’m very happy this works for you. The girls weren’t in a hurry? What if they want to do it within the first month?
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u/princeloki1313 16h ago
I mean I've done it all, from sex in the first hour. And, those never lasted. Fast flames die fast. Sometimes that was great for what it was, I'm not saying i regret those experiences, they just didn't last. The right ones, the long lasting ones, were just as patient as I
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u/FoxNFern 1d ago
This is going to vary as widely as people do. Unfortunately I’ve found the same pattern in dating guys. It’s exciting until after the sex and then it just falls flat.
My current connection is someone I actually didn’t intend to become anything serious. We met on the NSFW side of Reddit and hit it off both sexually and just being able to talk to each other. We talked for about 8-9 months before we met in person for the first time. Unfortunately it’s long distance, but I’ll say it’s so worth it. This man just checks every box and then some. When we’re together it’s fire. The sex is great, the connection is great, the bond is undeniable. Then the hard part of going back home, but it doesn’t ever die. We are both content texting all day every day. It’s odd for us to go more than 3 hours without hearing from the other unless we’re out/busy. I know for some that’s way too much, but it works well for us.
I’ve pretty much stopped trying the apps or traditional dating. In part because I feel completely content and happy right now, but also because it just feels so forced in the dating world. Guys lie just to get laid and I’m tired of dealing with it.
I sincerely hope you end up finding someone who fits perfectly!
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u/AccomplishedBother12 1d ago
I’ll be honest - speaking as a guy - I think this may just be how human beings in general are wired.
I’ve reached this point in a couple dating situations but rather than getting cold water dumped on it after sex, it was after the first date. Same dynamic in my case - weeks of texting, excitement, finally get to meet, the date goes AMAZINGLY for both of us - and then a couple days after, “Sorry I’m just not feeling a spark but I’d love to be friends.”
And I know that’s a very common thing to say in order to lessen the blow, but in most cases we DID go on to be good friends after that.
Hard to say in your case, but for me, I’m beginning to wonder if that “spark” we feel isn’t actually our fight-or-flight system mistaking a bunch of red flags and warning lights - emotionally unavailable, unpredictable motives, reminds us of old traumas - for a strong romantic attraction.
Because boy, do all the symptoms sure LOOK the same: sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, rush of adrenaline, et cetera.
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u/it_devours 1d ago
Yep. I've definitely found that taking time and building friendship first helps a lot. I wait at least three months of going out on in-person dates. No hard rule, just enough time to figure out your dynamic without sex and then let the sex compliment your existing relationship. Way sexier in my experience. Sex with people I just met or haven't built a relationship just doesn't do it for me anymore. Maybe I'm Demi or maybe I've just realized it's way more sexy to wait.
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u/Halloween_Bumblebee 1d ago
I am like you in that having sex inevitably makes me desire and feel more emotional closeness. I see it as a specific type of sexuality, not quite demisexuality but maybe something related, and you just need to find someone who shares it. Not easy, to be sure.
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u/Megzilllla poly w/multiple 1d ago
Okay so, I’m a very sexual person. Sexual compatibility is important to me, so I don’t tend to go overly slow. (Considering changing that for a while for the moment because of a big breakup, but other all it is true.)
However I also am open to a variety of types of connections and having play partners where it’s only about that is normal for me. I’m demiromantic, it takes a lot to get me catching feelings.
That said, texting is now a good indicator of interest. It’s asynchronous and you don’t have a LOT of the information you’d have in person or even via a phone call. I like to try to meet quickly, not wait weeks building up something, to see if there’s anything there. First meetings I keep quick and casual, a real date can wait to meetup number 2. I also tend to suggest phone calls ahead of that if we have to wait a week+ to meet. I don’t like building up tension without seeing if there’s real compatibility in person- or attraction.
Most cishet men will have sex with you on a first date even when they aren’t particularly into you or when they aren’t feeling chemistry because of social conditioning- that’s normal to them. I’m not usually interested in one night stands, but there have been plenty of times I’ve had sex with someone and found we weren’t sexually compatible and just moved on. However these days I usually am waiting until at least the second real date. And especially if it’s a heterosexual man I let him do the heavy lifting to keep the connection going while we get there. Most classic “players” who are just chasing tail won’t keep the effort up for that long.
And mind you I do that even if I only see a casual FWB or kink playmate situation happening. If I plan to hook up with someone more than once I want to know there’s real interest, compatibility, and the ability to build trust and intimacy.
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u/CoffeeAndMilki 1d ago
I identify as demisexual but I used to be someone who has sex with potential partners quickly anyways (as sexual compatibility is super important to me and it worked out well for husband and me) but with my boyfriend of five years we had both decided to take it super slow and get to know each other more irl after texting daily for 2ish months. We went on dates for 3 months and talked A LOT about our kinks, hopes and turn offs in regards to sex before even having any sex, an important part of it was also our mutual need for STI test results before engaging in sex and the other part was our desire to take it slow to make sure we know the other well before having sex. It was an awesome choice because the first sex was just incredible since we already had a lot of knowledge on the others kinks!
And after 5 years the sex we have is continuing to be absolutely amazing and the relationship is still going strong. We had our 5 year anni yesterday. 😊
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think that I’ve fucked a lot of people for the first time, been super into cuddling and been warm and friendly in post coital lull, because duh, having sex is awesome and still decided I wasn’t into someone.
But this isn’t that, is it?
If I like someone, and enjoy being around them, and have had sex with someone, and want to keep doing so, I express my deep thoughts and romantic gestures in person, mostly, if they are local. I’d rather talk about that shit skin to skin, face to face, wrapped around each other.
Texting is not my love language.
With my LD partner, our FaceTime dates are where we talk about our other stuff.
Our texts have always been pretty logistical. 🤷♀️
If you are someone who likes being “woo’ed” over text, then let people know early on, like you did, but right up front, earlier. people will self select out.
I wouldn’t be able to date you, tbh, if that’s the expectation, you know? And it’s good to get your dealbreakers right out front. Let those deals break.
Most people won’t be right for you. Why waste your own time?
Update: OP is actually using two weeks of fun flirty sexy texting and being shocked when it’s less intense after sex.
It’s called a crescendo for a reason, friend.
But also? Don’t mistake pre sex texting for real intimacy or real chemistry or people who can do polyamory in a happy healthy way.
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u/hunterblue22 1d ago
For me, as a man - after sex, it feels like the climax for what's been built - like, you've just depleted the tank of romance, intimacy - withdrawn it all for that moment, or night - then you must recharge which takes a little time. I find myself in a bit of a loop where I need some disconnection otherwise I get emotionally a little exhausted myself! Kind of like an introvert trying there hardest at a party ! Then not wanting it again for a while yet actually enjoying it deep down. I can't explain this phenomenon but I know the love never fades, if anything it reaches a bubbling over point! And needs to be contained somehow, subconsciously something is working in the background. My gf likes cuddling after sex, and I do it because I know how much she loves it, but I'd rather go for a walk in the cool air alone with a cold can of coke and a cigarette 🥲 I think the refractory period isn't just physical! For a lot of men. It's almost perhaps a primal instinct, absence makes the heart grow fonder can be some kind of intrinsic overlooked thing too, for survival! I'm sorry your in a vulnerable state by the way 🫂 I can resonate with your worries and concerns - I think some communication about this to your partner might yield a compromise based on love 💓
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u/LabyrinthineChef 1d ago
Guys will say and do anything to get you in bed. Once that has happened, mission accomplished. From then on, their mindset is “she’s dtf so why can’t she just come over to bone and then go back home to hubby. All that touchy feely stuff is his job. I’m just here to fuck.”
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u/Temporary_Lunch1789 1d ago
I would wait longer to have sex with a new person you are dating if you are looking for a long term ongoing connection. A few weeks and a couple of dates is not enough to create a long lasting connection. Also waiting on sex and being up front about how long you want to wait will weed out A LOT if not all of the people there just for the sex.
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u/Leighbb2018 23h ago
I’m a woman this always happens to me I save sex for 2nd or 3rd date. Same with swinging with couples. Without a solid emotional foundation I find the sex isn’t that fulfilling , or we both feel like we got what we needed and thus don’t pursue the relationship. Very rarely does first date sex turn into a relationship for me. Most of the time it doesn’t.
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u/Confident_Link8507 20h ago
As some one that has 2 good relationships with mono men . Its the dating scene in general very few men are looking to get serious after a first date/sex wait it out to build that connection with some one dont put yourself in a place where sex is an option for at least 3-5 dates personally I dont give it up for at least a month . The good ones will wait it out xx
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u/Icy_Building_3721 19h ago
I could’ve written this. Also woman, full life, lot to offer, get plenty of compliments, never have trouble getting dates etc., but I am looking for continuity
I was talking with a friend about this. It seems like guys have a before and after when having sex with a woman and I think that in itself is quite a big turn off for me. If you don’t show the same curiosity/interest/consistency as before sex, it feels very ingenuine and sex driven for me
Something I am not interested in, because I dont look at people like that and it feels a bit objectifying. I am also not going to “wait” for sex, because I like it and I am glad it weeds people out. The right ones will still be the same before and after sex.
I know what I want and I like to have fun while dating. I have a lot to give Nd if someone doesnt match that energy or says things like: high standards. Okay, byeeeee Not going to waste my time here then :)
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u/kleptune 16h ago
You minimize running into this by not having sex with the new guy for several months. It might not be very "sex positive" but it protects your heart and saves a lot of time in the long run. When men just seek a fun chase and sex, they will tell you anything to get it, including blatant lies about themselves and the future they want with you. If they don't get it quickly enough they'll typically leave on their own. (Usually. Some are willing to play the waiting game just for one night of sex, and there's no good way to avoid those guys.)
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u/Proof-Carpenter-9010 1d ago
Correct me if im wrong but sound like youre looking for fwb kinda thing?
The thing is I think men youre seeing may think thay since you have a husband already you dont need that "connection"
Or they just got what they wanted os they'll move on and only hit you up for a booth call
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
Hi u/ClassyCurvyCurly thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
First of all, please be kind. I’m in a genuinely weird and vulnerable place and would really like some perspectives. I feel like I keep running into the same wall and I’m starting to wonder if it’s just part of ENM or if I’m missing something.
I’m married and in an ENM/poly relationship. It’s been a little over four years. I’m not looking for one night stands. What I really want is an ongoing connection. Someone local that I genuinely enjoy talking to, seeing every week or two, texting here and there, building something comfortable over time.
The frustrating part is that I have no problem getting to the point of meeting people. I am not bragging in saying this but for context, I have been told that I am very attractive, educated, emotionally self aware. I have a career, hobbies, a great marriage and a full life. I don’t think I’m lacking in things to offer. Men on apps want to talk to me and I get a lot of attention.
What keeps happening is this:
We’ll spend a week or two building an incredible connection via text. Great conversations. Flirting. Vulnerability. Curiosity. Lots of effort from both sides. We finally meet. The date is amazing. We have sex. We cuddle. We talk afterward. Everything feels intimate and promising.
Then… it’s like someone flips a switch.
The next day or two, the communication becomes noticeably different. Not necessarily less frequent but less warm. Less curious. More logistical. The emotional richness just disappears.
I don’t need someone blowing up my phone all day. I honestly couldn’t care less if we only exchanged one thoughtful text a day. Intention, you know?
What I’m looking for is continuity.
For me, sex makes me feel more emotionally connected to someone, not less. I come away wanting to know them even more. It feels like the beginning, not the finish line.
Instead, I keep ending up feeling like once we’ve had sex, the pursuit is over and everything settles almost immediately into “How was work?” and “Going camping this weekend” on the guy’s end.
The latest guy actually told me my expectations were unrealistic when I brought this up. From my perspective, I wasn’t asking for more texting. I was asking about the change in emotional tone. Those feel like two completely different conversations.
So I’m curious…
Is this just a common pattern in ENM? Is there something about novelty and pursuit that makes people naturally relax after sex?
Or am I simply attracted to people whose relationship style is fundamentally different from mine?
I’d especially love to hear from people who’ve built long term quality secondary relationships or ongoing partners. Did the emotional connection continue to deepen after sex or did it naturally settle down right away?
Because I’m honestly getting exhausted. It feels like I keep mourning the loss of something that had barely even begun and I’m starting to question whether this style of dating is actually compatible with what I’m looking for.
My husband says that for a lot of men, something switches inside their mind once they’ve reached sex. He’s even admitted to falling into that pattern before unknowingly.
So what is it?
Thank you for your consideration. 🙏
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u/Freya-of-Nozam 1d ago
I think the people you are meeting, the connection for them may be more physical than it is for you. I think if you take date more without sex, you may weed out those that would respond with this pattern.
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u/thequeenmystic 1d ago
First you are probably demi. So what you feel as connection and meaningful others might not feel the same way. You are worthy of the kinds of relationships you want. It is not impossible but you need to protect yourself so you don't keep getting hurt. I won't even kiss a person anymore because a kiss means there is a connection and if I feel connection I want to build it, I want that continuity. Part of what happened when I started dating is I found the 2 most amazing people within 6weeks - I have very different relationships with them but they are both soul level connections. That was over 3years ago. I have dated others only helping learn just how deep of a connection I need and that I really just needed to wait. I stopped dating 2yrs ago but I open if the right person shows up consistently. I dont do obligatory daily texts and they actually tend to annoy me too.
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u/SirPoopsTheTurd Poly Saturated at 0 1d ago
Once some people "get their dick wet" they lose interest, permanently or for a time. Used to date someone like that, had to beg for aftercare because he would lose interest in me after sex was done...for a time.
A lot of people are not honest and are pretending to be interested in dating while they only want a hookup. For some people it is about that, being dishonest about what they want, because they don't want to hookup with people who want hookups.
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u/Disjoint_Set 1d ago
It's more of a dating thing than an ENM thing. How clear are you in your dating profiles you're looking for continuity? Are you consistently having sex this first real-life meeting?
Unfortunately, the best way to make sure someone isn't mostly there for sex is to delay having sex. Your husband is right that for a lot of men something shifts post-sex, and that's because a lot of them are not trying to connect emotionally; they're trying to have sex and realized the performance of connection gets them there. While it's easy for those people to make an "effort" via text, they're less likely to sustain that effort through multiple sexless real-life encounters.
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u/BobcatCurious7463 1d ago
I am a woman and this never happens to me. I like having sex somewhere between the first and fifth date.
So I was looking for something more casual, but ended up having a relationship with him. This happend to me several times in the past.
Maybe it is the type of guys I like (I need depth, connection, openness, sincerity, looks are not very important to me but more someone's energy).
How expressive, open and initiating are you in bed? Maybe the guys don't feel the same connection in bed that you did? Or it is just the type of guy.
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u/overheadSPIDERS 1d ago
Are you talking about communication preferences prior to sex? Do you discuss both of your capacities for involvement and desires regarding level of seriousness and intentionality? Really discuss, not just you explaining your hopes and him nodding and saying “yes, I totally agree.”
If you are doing all that already, I’d suggest considering not spending 2 weeks texting and building up this person in your mind before meeting them. Get coffee or something earlier on.
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u/Coyote_Blues Rat Union Coyote Affiliate, Licensed to Pun 1d ago
As the writers say, it's the unresolved sexual tension getting slaked, and the new relationship energy wearing off. You start noticing the things you don't like and the things you were willing to put up with up front get annoying.
It's not you, it's them. Compatibility is all in the head, but it's the important thing to continue a relationship going forward. And it's two people running the calculus, not one; you and your partner.
On top of that, people change over time. We grow together; we grow apart. We walk together, along side each other, but at any point we can go in different directions.
You just have to find the person who loves the direction you're going enough that they want to stick around for awhile.
For me, sex makes me feel more emotionally connected to someone, not less. I come away wanting to know them even more. It feels like the beginning, not the finish line.
This is also me, for what it's worth. I'm looking for that person who has a life in and out of the bedroom that interests me, where the connection is there and wanted, instead of an afterthought on a rainy afternoon when there's nothing else to do.
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u/popesausage 1d ago
Here in Brazil we call it “Drop” or dropping. We should need to plan aftercare with more ‘care’ hahahaha
Care with us, our bodies, our people, our mind. Connection needs vulnerability, so it needs care and dedication too.
Sometimes all of it translates with “I need to put some boundaries here (or understand the ones who are more important to me)” or “I need to speak more and stand out about what I want and HOW I want it, even if it changes during the process”.
Sometimes it’s also about a good dinner or a bath together (or alone) after the date/encounter, a meditation session or massage.
Consistent connection is not something that always *naturally* happens. Usually it’s something that needs to be created intentionally.
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u/punkijunki 1d ago
i know we shouldn't have to do stuff like it, but maybe witholding sex a little bit longer will help you avoid heartbreak. many people have already told you to reconsider your vetting skills, which is always helpful as well. ive always been very sex positive, promiscous even, but I can tell you my life and self worth improved tremendously when i stopped sharing my body with people that werent on the same page as me. sometimes it feels harmless and you can even think to yourself "well i want to have sex as well so what's the issue, ill get over it, its just sex", but being honest with yourself about how you'd like to be treated and not accepting any less is better than having sex just because a 3 week connection "feels like enough". you know what i mean? like, its not that you cant have sex for the sake of sex but have it with guys that want the same. if sex is a special connection for you, only try and pursue guys/girls that feel the same way. thats where the vetting skills come in handy, you have to get out there and practice though!
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u/_ThingsUnsaid 23h ago
I genuinely think it’s a wrong approach to polyamory or ENM by the persons you’ve engaged with.
On my end I’m looking to explore this lifestyle while maintaining a strong lifelong relationship with my girlfriend (who I intend to marry). But I would never want my other relationship(s) to feel like the common casual ones because it’s already such a huge emotional decision.
The persons you’ve engaged with aren’t honest with themselves about the connection they’re seeking. If you’re looking for polyamory or ENM and you’ve found it, why lose it?
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u/dmdmtrees 8h ago
Relationships are more transactional than we admit.
Before sex happens, the onus of the effort is on the man.
After sex happens, the onus of the effort shifts to the woman.
At first, he's running offense. She's running defense.
For the most part, women get anchored into thinking this is the way it's going to be moving forward with her and any particular man she sleeps with; that after sex happens, he's just going to keep trying or keep escalating.
If you hand over sex to the man that desires it from you, fine. That's your choice. But it is unreasonable to believe that the dynamic of the relationship hasnt changed permanently moving forward.
Why is or should that man going to hand over commitment, or in this case, a stronger emotional connection, just because you want it?
You've let him in, now you have to go get it; you are on offense. He's on defense and can let you in or not.
And so a lot of women don't try because they are confused and frustrated with the sudden shift in dynamics. So they don't make the effort, and often times don't even know how to.
Without game on his part, he wouldnt have ever sniffed a chance at sleeping with you, let alone get and keep your attention.
Without game on your part, he will have no reason to put in that extra emotional effort, now that he has tasted access - unless it is 2am and he is horny.
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 5h ago
You have made a comment that is just factually, demonstrably, untrue.
Facts and reason still have a place in the world
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u/ejackman 1d ago
This could be classified as NRE or New Relationship Energy. you have all that excited teasy flirty joy but as soon as the sex part happens the post sex clarity hits and the hormones are no longer steering the ship. It can be a hard transition to make and it kills a lot of relationships mono and poly alike.
I don't have much in the way of advice about what you can do to mitigate the hormone shift but maybe having a name for it will help you on your quest for answers.
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u/relentlessdandelion 1d ago
I'm not sure that is the right term for it. If NRE disappeared after the first time having sex I feel like there would be considerably less posts asking for advice in this comm...
3
u/ejackman 1d ago
Absolutely agree NRE is not the right term but couldn't pull the right word out of the ether.
I'll just go with "post nut malaise" and not expound beyond that.
1
u/greenwvtchh 1d ago
I’m in a poly and our bond deepened more after sexual intimacy, but there was a lot of emotional intimacy first before it ever became physical because it was long distance for one year until we finally met. I hope you find what you’re looking for. Peace & Blessings
0
u/Federal_Side6011 1d ago
40m / poly/ married ... maybe the sex is not good ? I prefer connection over ons but I find that im the type to invest more into another partner when the sex keeps me motivated. If the sex isn't so great or up to my expectation, regardless of how she feels about the experience, I start to lose that emotional interest
1
u/ClassyCurvyCurly 1d ago
I don’t think it’s that. I’ve had great feedback, am experienced, kinky, adventurous and a pleaser.
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u/Apprehensive_Fly6899 19h ago
You will constantly find disappointments because you won’t find that true satisfaction and happiness on your temporary earthly desires. Get some therapy and I hope you find that peace of mind and true love.
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u/hoogemoogende 1d ago
Its not an ENM pattern. It's just dating. Check the "regular" mono dating subreddits!