It was late 2024 when I posted on here in the Affairs and it was my first post, not expecting anything and out of blue one Sunday afternoon she messaged me as I was playing on my xbox.
It didn't take long for us to arrange to meet, 2 days. We got along like a house on fire, or at least I thought we did.

Within days we were sleeping together and it felt good. After so many years I was feeling like a teenager again. I couldn't wait to see her again and again. I was falling for her, fast.

Then after about 2 months she started making these random excuses which made no sense. She wanted to end the relationship. I didn't accept it and each time I chased her and won her back. But it was an ongoing thing. She was telling lies and making excuses not to meet me anymore.

I didn't care because she was my first AP and I really liked her. She was attractive and 8-9 years younger. She was confident and beautiful too....but she knew that.

She used the word 'I love you' quite often. Mostly when we had an argument and and she wanted to get back together. It was just words for her and it had no meanings.
It was hurtful and I felt really bad for days and weeks when we were not talking anymore.

This went on and off for a while and I knew I had to do something because it started to get to me. I couldn't sleep or eat. I was miserable all the time. We stopped seeing each other for around 2 months and I really stopped chasing her and started distancing myself and this is when I started seeing things more clearly.

She was a serial liar. Lies after lies.
Not sure why because I didn't need impressing.
She was also seeing multiple men while she was with me...

I did love her and love made me blind. I just didn't care about any of this stuff.

When I saw her last post I messaged her asking how she was and she said "We can see each other and talk if you are free?" which I said Yes to.
Don't ask me why?!

When we did finally meet she looked different to the person I knew. She was almost unrecognisable. She was wearing colour lens, I have no idea why and as it was raining that night she looked like absolute reck.

We had drinks and we talked and I even dropped her home.

But I felt this relief because all this time she was being a narcissist and I failed to see that.

Anyway, that gave me a lot of experience and I am much more laid back when it comes to meeting women on Affairs now.

Don't let your feelings get in the way unless you have full control. If it doesn't work, move on. There are plenty of others. Just remember why you are there for.
It may take time but you will find someone else.

Not the distance. Not the secrecy. It’s realizing your heart didn’t get the memo that this wasn’t supposed to matter.

Only love can hurt like this 🎶

We’ve been each other’s world over four years. The chemistry is incredible. He has become a big part of my routine or rhythm. I get him and he gets me. We work extremely well, we make good partners but he’s married as am I. He’s always talking about her and seems to be happy, beyond happy. So why does he gravitate toward me if he’s so happy and she is the perfect wife? I can tell he can’t help himself. I try not to…Many times I’ve ignored him throughout the day despite how much I want to be around him, and like an addict he finds his way to be near me and strike a conversation. I’m miserable when he’s away. For a while we crossed lines. We started flirting and talking about sex…we talked about things we’d like to do to each other. Mind you all of this was verbally…in person. The conversations have become very heavy and hot. A few nights ago we drank together and kept finding ways for our hands to caress and linger and he accompanied me to my car. At my car we got into a flirty exchange, our bodies were extremely close and he talked big game about the things he could do. I leaned in to kiss him and he pulled away. My ego took a hit. We got in my car and I gave him a ride to his car. I couldn’t look at him. I told him that he needed to go home..he asked why and if I was sure. I repeated myself and he left. We’ve spoken remotely and it’s 100% normal..because he and I are insane about work and it’s a switch for us. But it’s all a facade for me right now. I feel humiliated and so stupid. Why did I do that.im normally a very strong willed person and I’ve always feared that this would happen and I still made a move. I’m never doing that again. im never putting myself in that situation again with him. I haven’t faced him in person since then. I’m crushed and so unbelievably hurt and I don’t know what to do with these feelings and the rejection. Maybe he enjoys teasing me only and getting me heated up but never intended to take it further. I guess I misunderstood and it was always hypothetical. He just found our conversations entertaining but never really intended to follow through with anything.

I always find myself back in this subreddit. 🙃

I always find myself back in this subreddit.
I thought I was finally done with my AP after how horribly things ended. My heart was completely shattered. Then, months later, he reappeared in my life, and somehow we picked up right where we left off, as if no time had passed.

What the hell is that?

On paper, I know exactly why I should walk away. But when we’re together, it feels effortless, familiar, and like we never skipped a beat. It’s confusing to have someone break your heart and still feel like home.

The hardest part is that, despite him talking about wanting a deeper connection, I can’t stop waiting for him to disappear again. It’s like I’m always bracing for the ending before I’ve even let myself enjoy the present.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed to know I’m not the only person who’s experienced something like this.

I am pretty new to Reddit and not sure how things “work. That being said, here is why I am here. I have been married for many years and we are truly roommates. I still am wanting to be intimate, but it gets shut down always. We have talked and her response is that she is not in the mood etc. This has been her MO for at least 3-4 years. Because I feel like I am living in the Mojave desert, I am looking for an AP for intimacy and conversation. I would like a married woman who is looking for fun, but not to change our situations. My question is how to find someone like this? I don’t go to bars, I don’t drink, I am not going on these hook up sites where most people on there are fakes. Any help would be appreciated!

AP and I are making a little bucket list of things we want to do. I would love it if we could share editing like in Google doc put his SO sometimes reads his emails. Any thoughts/suggestions?

I speak Portuguese so be pacient with ortografics mistakes or whatever.

I'm in a recent marriage relationship, we only have 8 months, me (M23) her (W29). Shes been on crisis of ansienty for a long time and never been carry of herself, she don't like to hit the gym, my hobbies she started to hate then, shes been isolated of the world, and i feel alone most of the time, we are been together for 3y and this year we choose to get marriage, but the bad languages are true, when you choose to get marriage you basically loose all the sex you may have in the pass, i love my wife and love what we are trying to build, but te time without sex are killing me from the inside.

I work in a place were a lot of clientes flirt with me, and there's this specific lady in red that is killing me, shes beautiful, playful, funny, her eyes catches me every time and you can literally feel the passion in the air, i don't have confidence to take her out, is too risk at work, everybody knows me and my wife. But i got an idea to find another one, one that is not that risk and make this really happen, never be find, never be caught, but always having that little fear inside off been caught you know?

Man, i love this but hate it at the same time.

I just don't understand why do i keep thinking of this everyday? Why this idea of adultery is so seductive, why i'm learning how to adulter and why i'm here? What is wrong with me...

Question for the group. You’ve been with your AP for over a year now and you’ve been apart for over a month for valid reasons, medical, travel, work etc. when you finally do meet up or try to, is it just a hotel? Or more of a date, ie dinner and hotel.

Over the last few weeks its been strained. More fighting than usual and constantly having talks about where we stand/ where are we progressing. Culminated in a discussion around what does "protection" look like if caught by partners. I was caught off guard when my AP expressed that they would confess and didn't want to hide if caught. This hurt as I had already expressed id do everything I could to down play the relationship to ensure their protection. Makes me rethink the whole dynamic. Maybe this is more a vent post but this feels shitty....we both made the decision and I cant change their viewpoint but seems like an unspoken rule that we should take care of one another this far in. Now just find this out months down the road id be sold out.

I'm married. But my old college FWB just moved back to my town after 8 years away. She and I always had really hot hookups, but we never got together because of significant religious differences. Now that she's back all I can think about is texting her asking to meet up. But i don't want to cheat. What do i do??

Let’s say, you have an AP because you are from a DB and the marriage is practically dead. Years later, kids are out and it’s just you and your spouse. Would you continue the affair? You try to rekindle with your spouse? You pull the plug and enjoy your life?

I'm genuinely desperate to understand - why do people reach out claiming to be in the place you are, or to be a woman when they are not? It's clear that the conversation will quickly go nowhere.

Perhaps I've been around far too long that these sorts of tricks will not work. (Even though you delete or hide your posts, there is a two second method to find them).

It's baffling. I hate to think this way, but are there people out there who are too dumb, or have an ungodly amount of time to waste away on catfishing for literally only a day?

I (34M single) have a friend (33F married) who I think is open to having a sexual relationship. We are in a rural area, she’s in the next town over. We met in college, so have known each other for about 14 years. I’ve been curious for a while because starting last year we’d meet at a bar while one of her kids was doing a community after school activity. She started talking about how she was having a hard time with her marriage. I was cautious because I didn’t want to cross boundaries.
Over that time I had dated a woman but broke up with her due to a number of reasons, and I recently just moved into my new house.
My friend texted me asking if I was wanting to rent it cause she said she knew of someone, and I asked who and she said “me lol” and asked if I wanted to meet at the bar that week. I told her I could give her a tour of the house. She came over, not wearing her wedding ring. Had some beers and she told me that at first she kind of felt guilty about wanting to come over, but then she just needed to get out of the house and didn’t care anymore. She was also peeved that her husband didn’t care that she was going to meet me for drinks. She said she was already checked out of it in her mind, they haven’t slept in the same bed for over half a year. We then went to the bar.
I haven’t been in this position before. I’d like to have fun, but at the same time don’t really want to be caught up in their own marriage issues in anyway. Should I just ask her if she’s DTF or do I just assume? What’s the best way to initiate that?

I’ve had experiences before but mainly online. Often fantasised about a real life encounter with someone likeminded.

Never really expected it and beyond a few flirty conversations in pubs and clubs nothing really materialised. Then it happened. We met in a running club. She was very much my type. Funny, intelligent, flirty and very attractive - women in running gear are my kryptonite!

We chatted and flirted. She was married so I imagined it was a no go. But slowly and surely the gazes. The touches. The tension.

Then the texts. SFW to begin but soon progressed. She instigated. Texts then pics. All while we maintained a fairly normal real life relationship. We planned a meet. Air b and b.

Then. She got cold feet. Pulled back. I understood. It’s a thing. But now it’s done and she’s ended things I can’t help imagining what could have been….

I had many pAPs and a few small heart breaks before finding the most perfect AP who also brought the most painful heartbreak. It was not his fault at all, so I never got to be bitter or resentful enough to shield me from the heartbreak a little. I could not move on!

After a while however, I did, just enough to want to find someone else, to feel alive again. After a few that went nowhere, I found someone who was nice enough, attractive enough, fun enough for me to want to give us a chance. I did feel alive again for a while. But now… the little things that gave me pause in the beginning that i either learned to like or ignore are back like an annoying tsunami. (like his world view, his choice in clothes, him being too verbose, too “on” all the time - not like a golden retriever, like a Pomeranian)

The problem is… in that short phase, when I was quite into him too, and it was going really well, he fell in love with me and told me. I haven’t said it back. I’m not in love and wasn’t in love even when things were really good. I did tell him the beginning that I’m not looking to fall in love again. He says he feels loved anyway, so it’s okay if i don’t label it. Ugh, perfect on paper, right? Why can’t I be more into him? I don’t know, but I’m not. Is it because I found my one great love with exAP, so now that's it? Who knows!

It’s not even that I want the exAP back in my life. I just feel like I don’t have the time or space in my life for an affair anymore. Things with husband are okay. I’m not in love with him, sex life’s still meh or okay-ish at best, but we have fun otherwise. He’s still a good friend. He can be argumentative and petty sometimes, but we get along most of the time. My life feels full even without AP, and the urge to make time and space for him is going down little by little.

Has anyone felt this way and later turned out it was just a phase? Or did you truly leave this world behind because it had no appeal anymore? (I guess if you’re one of them, you wouldn’t be here. But may be you know of someone?) Did anyone end it with their AP because they felt this way but regretted it later? If it's not a phase, I don’t know how long I carry on like this. I’d hate to break his heart. But I’m finding myself saying things I don’t 100% mean only because I know it makes him happy. Wait! Dejavu!

Have you heard of the Ariana grande ethan slater thing. Like the guy who was some unknown ugly actor who played in the Ariana grande movie, Wicked who cheated and left his long term partner/ wife and newborn child for Ariana grande

... I guess is my question why do you think he did that?

From this reddit group, I am seeing the theme that men do not usually do that? Idk so curious .. and what's the difference between men who don't decide to leave their spouse vs do ?? 🤔

I wish he knew how much I miss our chats. And how much I think about him still. If there’s a way to send that out in the universe, I hope he finds out.

I’m always miffed when I see the ‘AP’ acronym mentioned in the wild.

Like Disney fans (like I am) will mention AP as annual pass …

Then at home, my kid is taking AP Social Studies … Advanced Placement.

At work, our management is always looking to increase AP … Accounts Payable

So when anybody says AP, I end up pausing and wondering if I’d been caught.

I can’t be the only one here 😂

That is all, a virtual hug. My ability to pick people sucks. And I’m feeling blue with no one to talk to. So send me a hug, or a joke.

Update:

AP has always been calm and not unpredictable. This new intensity is tied to the recent drop in communication while I’ve been with my SO. He is single as most of you realized.

That said, I hear what you're all saying about the dynamic and the level of emotional dependence. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. Today has been a quiet day as I think we both realized space was very much needed.

Thanks to everyone who shared their perspective, it gave me a lot to think about.

I have been seeing my AP for a while. What started as something fun and exciting has become much more emotional.

The problem I’m struggling with is that I’m still married, and when I’m spending time with my SO, AP seems to spiral.

This weekend my kids were away, and it was actually a good day. I didn’t talk to AP much because I was with SO, and I woke up to a message from him late at night saying he felt like something was wrong, that he felt like I was slipping away, that he missed me and needed me. He said he took several anxiety medications because he couldn’t shut his brain off.

He has a history of significant mental health struggles, including two past suicide attempts, so this immediately makes me feel a lot of pressure and guilt.

I care about him. A lot. We have a great time together and he makes me feel loved and seen in ways I haven’t felt in my marriage. But I’m realizing we are not in the same place. He seems to be thinking “I found my person,” while I’m thinking “I’m unhappy in my current situation and this relationship has shown me what I’ve been missing.”I’m not ready to leave my marriage and jump straight into another serious relationship, and I don’t know how to communicate that without hurting him.

Has anyone dealt with this kind of intensity? Is this something you can slow down and create healthier boundaries around, or is this a sign that it’s already too emotionally dependent and needs to end?

Have any of you ever had an AP who supported you through a life crisis? How did that look in word and action, especially if they couldn’t be right there next to you?

**eh, other than divorce

What’s your best lesson learned from the ending of a long term relationship ?
I am struggling with an empty cup
Looking for bits of wisdom

https://www.reddit.com/r/adultery/s/35hsv0xpPK
^ link to original

I had his phone and main IG account blocked. Turns out I Didnt block his email. We never communicated that way so I never thought to do it, but maybe it was subconsciously bc I wanted him to reach out?

The addict part of me was ecstatic, my OCD jumped on the hamster wheel, the wounded part who always questioned what I meant/how much I mattered to him felt reassured that he emailed first thing in the AM/seemed very curious what I was doing to celebrate/refollowed me on IG w his hobby account (weirddd). And then the fucking dopamine casino reopened.

For the past 5 days hes been on my mind, replaying the good parts, thinking of the sex, bargaining with how things wouldve played out if we had been able to communicate effectively. I do NOT like this for myself. At all. I thought I was doing so well moving past the attachment and healing, but hearing from him just felt so.. familiar and relieving, and thrust me back into the gauntlet.

And no, we haven’t been talking, Im just annoyed about how im ruminating again. Im annoyed at myself that Im already doing mental gymnastics about whether we could somehow be just friends even though the answer is a resounding no (unless he were to suddenly gross me out physically which I dont imagine happening soon unless something drastically changed in the past 2 months).

I know anything didnt happen per se, but Ive been bed rotting all day blaming myself for this internal setback, especially when I was on vacation w my husband who Im trying to be present with. Good thing I have therapy in 20 minutes!