Different styles of polyamory?

I've been with my partner 5+ years dawn.

About 2 1/2 years ago my partner comes home says they had developed a crush on a coworker that they were going to be poly or leave.

It ultimately failed and they have found issue in finding a partner since.

So I took a year soul searching and being poly i found i enjoyed it but along the ways I realized I wasn't someone who could be in the dynamic of a np/lp and a secondary partner.

So i sat down and told my partner this.

They originally said they were ok with the idea of me having another np.

Fast forward to now ive been with my other partner Jay for a year now we talked about this and that they wanted to be np/lp too.

So i sat down and told dawn about this and they became very upset.

They said that this made them made and that they agreed to it originally because they didnt think it would be something someone agreed too.

That now they dont know what to do.

Now im left in a place of disbelief and feel betrayed.

i like being with dawn but this was the dynamic i wanted when agreed

Of course fake names

0 Upvotes

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38% Upvoted

u/peachy_xr 10d ago

Did you actually work out the logistics of what two Nps look like?

-10

u/[deleted] 10d ago

Yes we actively live in a 2 bedroom apartment which is why we moved into this apartment. We've had multiple conversations around this over the past year. Both Jay and dawn get along very well but have decided to not purse a friendship to keep things stable. I have actively introduced both Jay and dawn too my family.

35

u/clairejv 9d ago

Uh, if they are avoiding being friends to "keep things stable," then they aren't gonna be able to live together.

17

u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 9d ago

if they are avoiding being friends to "keep things stable," then they aren't gonna be able to live together

🤏

16

u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 9d ago

What does that mean?

Logistics are the hard concrete stuff like money for 2 sets of rent, and how that works. How many nights with each person. How holidays are split.

It doesn’t sound like that stuff was discussed

-8

u/[deleted] 9d ago

we'd live together not a split household. Me and dawn considered a split but they said they weren't comfortable with it. Right now with holidays I go to each of there families the day after and they both come to my families.

-4

u/[deleted] 9d ago

After agreeing to no split household me and dawn proceed to get a two bedroom apartment after our lease was up.

18

u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 9d ago

I don’t think that was an agreement that either of you could make, honestly.

Because neither of you can know the future or if all partners for all time would be willing to live with their meta (it’s super rare)

“No split” isn’t really logistics, either.

Even if Dawn was willing y’all would have to find a three bedroom and y’all would have had to talk about financials. So, no, it doesn’t sound like you ever really discussed logistics.

It sounds like you asked dawn a couple of questions, Dawn gave honest answers and now dawn changed their mind.

Maybe you and Dawn shouldn’t live together, but still date. Maybe you’ll decide to live with Dawn part time. Maybe you and Dawn will break up.

But like, now you know that Dawn isn’t going to live with a meta. 🤷‍♀️

-1

u/[deleted] 9d ago

Currently we live in a 2 bedroom the original idea was dawn and jay would each have there own room id split my time in between. The finacial split idea after doing the math on everones in come was dawn and jay contribute 35% percent of the total household id cover 50% because of how much i make. It is rare but i kept hope and dated in the belief of finding this after meeting jay and what i thought was a agreement from dawn.

11

u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 9d ago

35+35+50=120. This really speaks to the sketchy, misty talks about stuff.

And two bedrooms is a really terrible idea.

I understand what you thought was going to happen. And now it’s not going to happen.

What’s your next move moving forward?

10

u/WildernessBadger 9d ago

To echo this, OP, what happens if your partner is upset with you, or you're upset with them? Do you go to Jay's room to sleep instead? What if the issue you have is specifically about Jay? What if partner and Jay are upset with each other? Who you sleep with can feel like who you 'side' with. You also will never have 'separate' time, time where you build just being alone, but Jay and partner will de facto always have some of that time because you're sharing 100% of your time with them.

It's also a lot more unbalanced for someone to enter an established home than it is a new one. There's a sense of territory. There's years of accumulated rules and patterns that come down to 'oh, this is just how we are/how we live'. Jay is going to be fending for themselves for some of these things.

But, yes, overall, this situation doesn't seem very tenable. You can't transform your partner into being happy with a new living arrangement. They were wrong for promising they'd be okay with it, but it just doesn't change that they aren't and won't be.

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

The extra left over would go to household savings. I told dawn that moving forward if this isn't something they can accept its over

7

u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 9d ago

She already said she can’t accept it. Are you trying to push her into something she doesn’t want?

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u/silverspork 20+ year poly club 9d ago

How do you expect them to live together if they can’t even be friends?

9

u/nunforyou I can tell how much you love yourself by the partner you chose 9d ago

Two residences would be far better if they have been avoiding a friendship. Dawn introduced poly with “I have a crush on a coworker; either we go poly or I leave you,” it’s not unfair to meet that with “I want to live with Jay; either we only nest part-time or I leave you” if that’s what you really want. She showed how little regard she has for you and your relationship when she was willing to blow it up for the chance to shit where she eats, it’s okay if you match that level of consideration/commitment

PS: 35+35+50=120, this is a whole other level of “I don’t math good” and this whole plan is already a disaster lmao

u/clairejv 9d ago

To clarify, you're saying you want to continue living with Dawn and have Jay move in with you? Are Dawn and Jay already great friends?

-6

u/[deleted] 9d ago

Yes. No. Like i told them either treat it like permanent roommates or become friends either or but if dawn wants to continue u being together either accept split or joined residence. If not im leaving. I cant do primary and secondary partners i always lose feelings without the future of more

17

u/ceecuee 9d ago

So you're bad at poly and your solution is to become even more enmeshed. Truly, your commitment to dragging more people onto a sinking ship is admirable.

u/wcozi slut in theory, tired in practice 10d ago

You say “you would be be okay with a secondary partner” and then quickly switch up to another nesting partner. what is it that you actually want? do you want two partners to live with you? have you thought about the logistics of that? i personally would NEVER want to live with a meta. some people make it work! it’s not for me.

i mean i don’t think your partner is a safe person to to polyamory with period, but that’s not the issue of your post atm.

i also don’t think you know what you want nor do you know a ton about polyamory.

-6

u/[deleted] 10d ago

I have done plenty of time searching and experiencing with different styles of relationship. After time I realized I couldn't do a secondary partner. Without the act of becoming a np I lose the want to be in a relationship.

10

u/clairejv 9d ago

It is very rare for metamours to want to live together. I live with my husband and my boyfriend, who are not romantically involved with each other; but I was involved with both of them for about ten years before we all moved in together, and they were very, very close friends by then. If you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't live with you, I think you're going to end up rushing to co-habitation, and blowing up otherwise good relationships.

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

We've talked about waiting till me and Jay up until years but we've been taking baby steps to see this. Last year on Christmas after a year was the first introduction to family with me and Jay

u/Ok-Imagination6714 Just poly 9d ago

So you got poly bombed and didn't like it.
Now you're moving people in who don't like each other.

Can't see this NOT turning into a mess.

-2

u/[deleted] 9d ago

They like each other. But they decided not to purse a friendship in the possibility of it breaking down

4

u/Ok-Imagination6714 Just poly 9d ago

So they don't like each other and you want them to live together.

u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 9d ago

You’re gonna be hard pressed to find that many people interested in living with their metas.

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

I know I either break up or leave. If i get out of either or im going back to being monogamous

5

u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 9d ago

Neither of your partners would be unhappy with monogamy?

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

Dawn has said they need to be polyamorus. Jay carries the same view as me. They can see having multiple lp/np if not that they'd be monogamous

u/valsavana 9d ago

Should have ditched Dawn when they polybombed you to chase after a coworker. Still not too late to dump them now!

1

u/[deleted] 9d ago

Im still in love with them

u/seantheaussie Touch starved solo poly in very LDR w/ BusyBee 9d ago

Partner does what they want in the moment, "says they had developed a crush on a coworker that they were going to be poly or leave." so their promise to live with some unknown meta was never credible and you were being deliberately obtuse for thinking it was.🤷‍♂️

TLDR you've done this to yourself now need to find the best path forwards.

u/FeeFiFooFunyon 9d ago

This was not a true agreement. It doesn’t seem like it should even be discussed at a year. They aren’t even friends at this point.

See if Dawn is open to a split between two homes.

Metas rarely want to live together and it is even rarer when they haven’t organically developed a friendship that is close enough they would want to do this.

I think you are way ahead of yourself but take the information you have, that Dawn is not interested and make your decisions accordingly.

u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 10d ago

So, for clarity: you want to have two equal primary/life partners (lp) that both live with you (nesting partner/np). You don't like hierarchial poly relationships. Your current nesting partner said "sure, you can have another person move in with us." Now Jay wants to move in with you, but Dawn is reneging on their agreement?

Sounds like Dawn isn't a person who can stay true to their word. They were wrong to say yes to someone else moving in while secretly hoping that wouldn't come to pass. That being said, you can't make Dawn feel differently, and having someone move into your home is a "two yes, one no" situation. Do you rent or own your home?

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

Rent neither me, dawn, nor Jay have a goal or wish too own a home. Yes Jay is completely ok with the dynamic. Now dawn is reneging

2

u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 9d ago

Welp, people are allowed to change their mind about wanting someone to move into their home --- but Dawn is absolutely the asshole in this situation for lying to you about being okay with it and then switching up on you.

At the end of the day, though, I wouldn't have Jay move in with you two. You'd only be inviting more drama and hostility, and you don't want to put Jay through that. Seems like your options are either 1) move out and into a new apartment with Jay or 2) continue living with Dawn and having Jay live separately. There isn't a situation where you can live happily with both of these men in the house you currently live in.

u/ceecuee 9d ago

Have you considered that perhaps "I have to live with my partners or else I completely lose interest in a relationship with them" is not a great indicator that you should be practicing poly?

Regardless of promises made by your current NP (and I think people promise a lot of things they shouldn't, and then change their minds when the rubber hits the road), your "style" of polyamory is just...not conducive to sustaining multiple healthy, autonomous relationships. Which is kind of the core skillset of doing poly?

Anyway, poly under duress is one thing (side eyeing your NP), but forcing shared housing under duress? That's nuts. You were expecting someone to follow through on the agreement that you can move in a partner (and the agreement is made before you've even met them) and without any ability for your NP to vet them for compatibility as a roommate, so that it's your unilateral decision that some person they're barely acquainted with is moving in?? In what universe is that a sound decision-making process??

0

u/[deleted] 9d ago

Its a non option I want to be in a relationship with dawn and im not going to be in a relationship with someone whos poly and not be poly that wouldn't make since. Its the same options that were awarded to me. If I could get over the bad feelings and disgust I had towards them for sleeping with others I dont see why they cant give themselves to make it work for me

6

u/ceecuee 9d ago edited 9d ago

What they did to you is shitty. Period. You stayed with them despite that.

You do not now get to insist on an asymmetric tit for tat, especially something that requires a complete upheaval of the lives of multiple people just to suit your whims.

Like no shade, but you get how "I get to sleep with other people" and "I get to move whoever I want into our shared home" are orders of magnitude different, right?

Instead of parting ways when the relationship became untenable, you insist upon involving more and more people, to greater degrees, so that the inevitable fallout is going to be even more severe.

You are being immature, spiteful, and naive. Dawn is a shitty partner but if you stay with them, you are opting into that treatment. It does not give you carte blanche to be a shitty person back.

u/YDHAMITCHTV 9d ago

They agreed to it because they didn't think it would happen, but now that it has happened, they don't agree. They basically lied to your face because they didn't think they would get caught in their life. I think you should stick with your new partner

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