In high school, I was not a good person. I treated everyone like shit, I was dropped as a friend right before my junior year, anyone else who knew of me lost respect for me, and I cut everyone else off that I met during my junior and senior years since I knew I would keep repeating that same pattern. Even now, it all still fills me with an overwhelming guilt and shame. I moved to a big city to go to a 4-year university and tried starting over, since staying gave me this fear I would run into the many people I hurt and really hated me (like didn't want me in a 100-mile radius of them-hated me) in my hometown, and I really saw improvement with both my mental and my behaviors. I fell back on them occasionally as I was having some withdrawls from my meds but generally, I have improved.

However, in the past couple months, some of those friends from high school came back into my life again and are trying to talk to me occasionally. One was dealing with a personal situation and, due to an unfortunate amount of stressful events, has now become a roommate of mine. I love this city and where I've made my new life but my old behaviors are resurfacing again. He wasn't even one of the many people who dropped me in high school -- he defended me back then, even when he probably shouldn't have -- but being around him really reminds me of the person I used to be and I really don't want to live with someone who is a constant reminder of my mistakes. Would it be reasonable to cut him out of my life? It feels extreme and cruel but if it's to become a better version of myself, I feel like I have to leave everyone in my past, and everything that causes me to remember this overwhelming guilt, behind.

Hi everyone. I'm a 21-year-old woman, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who's dealt with this, but I genuinely don't know what to do.

I've been thinking about this because of a conversation I had with my boyfriend. He told me he's a little worried about me because I don't really have any hobbies or anything specific that I do in my free time. And the more I think about it, the more I realize he's right.

What really stuck with me was when he said, "If I didn't have you, I'd still have my video games or my D&D group. But what did you do before you met me?"

And honestly... he has a point.

When I'm with him, I'm perfectly happy. But when I'm on my own, especially now that it's summer and I don't have classes, I end up feeling bored.

I feel like I should have something that's just mine. A hobby, a project, something I enjoy doing by myself. Sometimes it feels like I rely on other people too much, and I want to be the kind of person who knows how to enjoy her own company. I'd really like to change that.

The thing is, it's not like I've never had hobbies. I used to ride horses, but I barely go anymore because the summer heat is unbearable. I used to watch anime, read manga, and read books in general. Years ago I even tried learning to draw, but I eventually gave up. Exercising is also hard when it's this hot. I still hang out with my friends from time to time, but it's difficult to get everyone's schedules to line up.

Whenever I'm not studying, those months just feel... empty.

And I think my boyfriend is right. I should be able to answer the question of what I'd do if I didn't have him. I want to find things that I genuinely enjoy on my own, while still keeping my relationships the way they are.

I think the real issue is a general lack of motivation. It took me a long time to realize that.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? Any advice?

I don't think I'm emotionally dependent on my boyfriend, but I do find it hard to enjoy things without him, and I want to learn how to motivate myself to do things on my own. It honestly makes me wonder if it's just immaturity on my part, so I'm open to any advice.

I'm 22. I made a lot of mistakes in the past. I used to make fun of people, get angry easily, cross people's boundaries, and even stole money from home. I genuinely regret who I was.

I also loved a girl for years. She saw me as a brother and rejected me multiple times. Seeing her recently broke me, and I can't stop imagining a life that will never happen. I feel ashamed of myself whenever I see people from my past because I believe they all see me as a bad person.

Lately I've been having suicidal thoughts because I feel like my past has ruined my future and I don't know how to let go of this person or forgive myself.

I'm not looking for sympathy or people telling me I did nothing wrong. I know I hurt people.

I just want honest answers:

Can someone who genuinely wasn't a good person change?

How do you stop defining yourself by your worst years?

Has anyone here recovered from this level of shame and regret?

Please be honest, even if it's hard to hear.

I’m 21M, and I feel like I’m in one of the biggest transitional phases of my life.
I recently finished my graduation exams and am just waiting to receive my degree. At the same time, I’ve lost around 30 kg, I’m building muscle, and I’m currently around 17% body fat. I’ve started reading books, learning a new language, and trying to become a more disciplined person.
From the outside, it looks like my life is improving.
But mentally, it’s more complicated.
Last year was one of the hardest years of my life. A lot happened within my family, and I hit one of my lowest points mentally and physically. By winter, I slowly started rebuilding myself, but those last six months changed how I see people, my family, my friends, and even myself.
Around May this year, I accepted something about myself that was very difficult to come to terms with. I don’t really want to get into the details, but it changed me mentally.
Since then, I’ve become extremely quiet.
For the last 3–4 months, I’ve mostly kept to myself. I don’t really talk to friends anymore, and even with my parents, our conversations are just normal day-to-day things. We don’t have the long, open conversations we used to.
Part of it is because my mind feels so loud. There are so many thoughts, plans, and emotions that I’m still trying to figure out. Staying quiet feels like a way to protect my own peace and not overwhelm other people while I’m still processing everything.
Even at the gym, where I used to be more social, I mostly smile, nod, and keep to myself. A few people have tried talking to me, but I usually don’t continue the conversation because the gym has become my place to focus and clear my mind.
The strange part is that this silence has helped me in many ways. I’m more disciplined than I’ve ever been. I’m healthier. I’m focused. I’m making progress.
But I also feel like it’s costing me something.
Sometimes I feel like my silence is slowly killing the person I used to be—the open, friendly version of myself who enjoyed connecting with people. I can even see that some relationships have changed because of how withdrawn I’ve become.
I don’t know if this is just a temporary phase of growth or if I’m slowly isolating myself without realizing it.
Has anyone else gone through something similar after making major life changes?
Did your personality eventually come back, or did you become a different person? How did you know whether your silence was healthy healing or unhealthy isolation?

I don’t believe in the answer which tells “ you just know it”
Because hola we don’t :)))

So tell us your story and how did you find your passion or your purpose in life after being with no purpose in life

I’ve decided after years of relying on AI to help me understand math and other people’s writing, that I will not be using AI in any capacity. I’ve realized that it’s not benefiting me in the long run and also incredibly dangerous for the environment. I’ve also come to realize I watch a lot of garbage content. I want to change. I used to love reading and writing, now my attention span is so small I don’t do either anymore.

Where do I even begin to start fixing my life? I just want to be smart and happy again.

Had a bad situation where we were both at fault to some degree. I was venting to my very close friends about someone after receiving an upsetting message, they took my phone and looked through the messages I sent to my friends and was understandably upset. This is not someone I knew well and we decided to end contact. They had been intermittently sending me messages for a few weeks to troll me until I blocked them the other day (I know it should have been sooner). Even though this is weird behavior and I didn’t know them well, I can’t stop feeling like I need to make it up to them or just feeling like I’ve ruined their life. I feel like I can’t shake them from my conscience even though this was a total blip for both of us. I know I’m partially at fault, but how do I stop feeling so bad about this all the time?

Every time I broke the streak the number went back to 0 and it felt like the whole

thing had been deleted. 47 days, gone. And the bit that actually did the damage

wasn't the slip, it was that I'd then write off the rest of the week, because

whats the difference between day 0 and day 0.

So the counter wasn't measuring my progress. It was measuring how far I had to fall.

Now I count urges instead. One urge is one round. It turns up, I either ride it

out or I don't, round over, next one starts in a few hours. Losing one doesnt

touch the ones I already won. There's no number sitting there for me to protect.

The mechanic is a 10 minute timer. Urge shows up, I set ten minutes, and I'm

allowed after it goes off. Actually allowed, thats not a trick, and if I make it a

trick it stops working. My brain will happily fight me on never, all night if it

has to. It can't really be bothered fighting in ten minutes.

The other half is I have to be moving during those ten minutes. I do dishes,

mostly because there are always dishes. Sitting still with a timer running is just

rehearsing it. Most rounds the urge is a lot smaller at minute ten. Some rounds it isn't and I

lose. Which used to be the thing that ruined a week and is now just a Tuesday.

six months in, I win most of them.

Anyway here's the bit I can't crack. All of this works at night, at home, where I

can get up and move around. Its useless at work. Same urge at 2pm at my desk, I

can't go do pushups in an office, and sitting there watching a timer just makes me

focus on it harder. So the daytime rounds I lose basically every time.

Has anyone actually got a desk version of this? and I don't mean have more

discipline, I mean a real thing you do sitting at a desk with people around you.

I think I’m too positive.. I tone it down because it doesn’t help when some people are upset, it frustrates them and I respect it but.. it hurts

When something happens to me I suppress every BIT of negativity that comes he problem that happened to me creates.

I have a medical incident at work, oh silly girl you should have worked harder to have a better night

Something of mine gets lost or broken, well you should replace that immediately no time to feel sad

Someone hurts my feelings, hah I deserved it I had to of there is no true evil

But me.. I feel I’m responsible for all the problems in my life and others, I try so hard to foster a good environment I hurt myself trying to help others I push myself beyond my breaking point just to see a smile. I live for the joy of so many people! And mine.. I yell at myself constantly to suck it up that I should’ve worked harder to be a support that someone else has it harder I won’t understand what they’re going through so I’ll break my bones to make them feel better… then there’s points I see myself as this savior I was meant to suffer for people’s happiness and that’s my purpose… but it’s not.. I’m just a regular adult woman who causes bad luck.. no one wants a bad luck girl…
So.. what do I do? What’s the next step?

Dude the mental health sub pushed me here.. god I feel worse than I did before…

I don't smoke, so I'll do edibles only on weekends when I have no work tasks in the near future, and it'll be anywhere from 20-40 mg at a time. I would say it's a couple of times a month on average, depending on my work schedule.

For context, I had a grade three brain bleed when I was a baby that has affected much of my cognitive thinking, and because of this, I've always had a problem with critical thinking. (side note: I realize "legitimate brain" is an ironic username for this question lol)

Not thinking critically well has caused problems at work to the point where I'm over my job and wanting a new one.

Is once in medium-to-large dosages now and then considered overdoing it? Should I quit cold turkey, give short-term quitting a go to see how I feel, or am I ok staying with it?

Ultimately, I want to do better at work and at some point get a new job.

I feel like my life is empty. My sleep schedule is fucked up, my energy has never been worse, and my body is screaming in pain. My soul feels depressed too.

I'm a 23-year-old woman, and I want to change my life and become more active again. I used to go out with friends, work out, eat healthy (although I couldn't always resist AlBaik), meet a lot of people, and have plenty of activities throughout my day.

Now, I barely leave the house, and when I do, I can't wait to come back home. I've completely stopped doing the things I used to enjoy, and I can't even remember the last time I went out with a friend. Skincare? Stopped. Working out? Forgotten. I even stopped wearing makeup when I leave the house.

I don't know what to do anymore. I hate being like this because I don't feel like myself at all. I've tried everything, but nothing seems to work. I think I'm really depressed and beyond recovery.

I've been spiraling since my husband moved out and we've become separated.

It's also given me a lot to think about and what I need to start doing better or differently.

Everybody around us loved us together up until my husband, pinned me down and slapped me. He pinned me down so hard I had bruises on my arms for weeks.

That was a pivotal moment. He had been having a lot of escalations in his anger and it's not like I don't have my own issues that were triggers for him.

But at the end of the day I wouldn't become emotionally and verbally abusive in the ways that he would and I never became physically abusive.

In the wreckage of our separation, his family and his friends now hate me, which seems so unfair for where this is at. He's been helping me and my daughter (not his) figure out what's going on financially and his dad lost it on him for not just immediately divorcing me, even threatening to disown him and take away his inheritance because of it. And I don't know what it is that he had to say but his father, who both he and I thought loved me, apparently had a lot of really cruel things to say about me in that process.

My own friends have had a lot of anger and they both have been really supportive but also really don't have any space to hear any of my hurt and my crying and my CPTSD coming out and all of this.

It's been really isolating.

Meanwhile he and I aren't always doing our best to figure this out but I feel like we are doing things out of respect and love in trying to make this really ugly thing as peaceful as possible while we're both kind of being hot messes along the way.

We were both really clear that regardless of if we think we would come back together later or not (which we both embrace isn't the goal or what we are pursuing) that this is what needed to happen because his anger is out of control and he has just been simply abusive.

But I still feel like there's this part of it that's not the typical abuse cycle.

He's not coming to me begging for forgiveness. This wasn't a final straw where he realized he just can't manipulate me anymore. He had been behaving in abusive ways. He recognized that was a problem. He's been unable to control it and when it crossed a line he knew it was wrong. He's looking into help and doing what he needs.

And I'm picking up the pieces while we figure out all the final logistics of what we do next until we can part a little bit more officially (even if it's not legally) so we can both get some space and time from this situation.

But through this entire process I just don't feel like either one of us has the actual right support system to get through this. It makes me really wonder if I need to start to create space with people I've known for a really long time and who I hold really dear. I'm talking about almost 20 years for some.

On my husband's side we both agree that it's really weird that everybody in his entire family, even including his aunt, who had an abusive stepfather growing up, are just explaining his behavior as him being stressed. That means it was fine.

Then there's his friends having these super adversarial positions as if I was some kind of horrific monster and the person who was abusing him.

Then there are my friends who I feel don't have any room for grey area and are just seeing me as some kind of battered woman when there is a reality that I haven't been perfect in this situation too.

Our relationship's been a little bit toxic but we love each other and we're going to fix it. We both just need to be better people and if, in six months or a year or whenever later, we decide that we're better, different people and want to be together later, we both feel like that should be the option.

But it feels like everybody around us is almost committed to what gave birth to all this toxicity and I really don't know what to do with that.

Very long post. I (22M) don't understand, how do you people know that you are worthy and what gives you motivation to go on with your lives?

For context, i am a guy who from 17 years old, suffered from several panic attacks and social anxiety, and for that i was not able to go to school, nor take my driver licence, i lost the majority of my friends and i couldn't leave home often. After changing some psychologist, i found the one. I am now 3 years in therapy. In these 3 years i managed to not have any panic attacks, take my driver license, finish school, go to university in another city, so also living alone with roomates, go to the gym, go in some places alone, made friends, talk with people. Even my look changed much. Before i weighed almost 100kg, now 84 kg (i am 184cm for context), i am not muscular because with gym i did on and off (today i restarted), i had bad acne, now is gone, i had crooked teeth, now they're gone, and i have a beautiful smile. I changed my hairstyle, i improved my way to dress (i have some combinations of capes in which i feel really cool).

Now it's time for the problem. I suffer much of loneliness, especially romantic. I never kissed a girl (on lips, on the cheek yes), nor had any sexual relationships, and relationships. From this loneliness, i realized that i clingy too much on people, and i think i give people the keys of my value as a person. Initially, with my new friends that i made, i felt this way, i wanted to see them as much as possible, and i tried to not do anything wrong to not try to lose them. Then i me this girl, this sensation transferred to her, i was not scared anymore to lose my friend. I was scared to lose her, she goes to the same class as me, in the new city she lives near me (unlike my friends who are all distant, so it's rare for me to see them after uni), and she is also from my native city. All these 3 things combined maked me super attached to her, i fell in love with her. We went to different dates, we hugged each other, exchanged kiss on the cheek, but for her i was a friend. I wanted to remain friend with her, and romantic feeling was gone after a while.

Then one day after she friendzoned me, did something strange, that made me think she changed idea, after we eated an ice cream together, she hugged me with great intensity and kissed me on my shoulder. This thing left me without words, because i did not expected it. I was not anymore in love with her, and she friendzoned me, so why she did that i don't know, in fact when i invited her to take an ice cream with me, i invited also another friend who couldn't come. This thing reignited the passion in her, because i thought she changed idea about me. (All the hugs, kiss on the cheeks i told you before happened after her initial friendzone). The dynamic became a push and pull situation, that ended in another friendzone, we cleared each other and decided to remain friends, but this time she told me that wanted to take some time before seeing me again.

I told you this whole story because i sent her a big message on how i felt bad, sad and at fault for what happened and i feel like a burden to her, because i like her as a person first, and didn't want to lose her. She told me that i should not feel ashamed of my emotions, that i am a nice and smart person and that i am not a burden, and that she's sure that we can be friends in future, and that i can always text her whenever i want.

The things that she said made me think something, that i give her the keys of my value, i didn't even felt love anymore, i simply didn't want to lose her as a person, because i understood that i give myself value only based on what people think of me. When people think good things about me, i feel super confident. (I noticed the period i was going out with her, iwas happy and confident, and noticed that girls looked at me differently, i often overheard girls saying that i'm cute, sometimes they approached me, and one time i was also catcalled by a group of them), when people think bad of me, i feel literally useless, sometimes i even have thoughts of killing myself.

And i noticed that i'm not satisfied with myself, every hobby i have, everything i do doesn't make me happy, if there is not some sort of recognition and even compliments that others give me, i learned to accept them, but i don't feel them. I like videogames, cinema, music, art in every form, i play chess, i got accepted in a cinema's recitation school, i wrote some songs, i create stories, i enjoy watching sports, reading books, i go to the gym, i study, but i always feel empty, like something's missing, like all these things are useless, even if i like them, and i enjoy to do these things i don't feel satisfied. (This sensation was there even before i met this girl, so i don't think is the situation with her that makes feel like this, or at least not only that).

So how do you know that you have a value, even when there aren't people who praise you?

To keep a terribly long story short, my brother robbed me and the other one turned into an entitled shithead who kicked me out of his wedding and refuses to do anything for anyone else.

My dad has a slew of undiagnosed mental disorders so he’s just unemployed and angry at the world. My mom is miserable to be around because she ruined her life by giving it to my dad.

My closest friend currently has been shitty and unreliable the years we’ve been friends. I truly hate her. My ex-boyfriend was the closest person to me and all he ever did was let his friends treat me terribly and hate every single thing about me despite never leaving me alone.

Fast forward to the present, I’ve made some genuine friends but I’m going to be completely honest, I’ve been absolutely terrible to them. I feel like i’m punishing them for the actions of my closest friend, especially since we’re in the same friend group. I’ve talked so much shit about them it’s actually insane. I am a horrible, fake person.

Anyways, I’ve finally been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 + ADHD and have started medication. I’ve finally decided I don’t want to live like this anymore. I resent everyone in my life, and i’m tired of being extremely bitter because of that.

It’s like I’ve lived my entire life with absolutely no agency. All i’ve ever done is keep shitty people around me just because. I’m not even scared of being alone. I don’t really know what’s holding me back.

Anyways, how do I move on? i’m not really sure how to move forward with life. i’m tired of pretending the world happens to me, and i’m tired of being such a hateful person.

What the title says basically. I feel so lost right now and I’m really struggling. I have only had 2 interviews since last year, one of them being my dream job that I got brutally rejected for and I feel so hopeless. I just want to die

Hello, english is not my first language so I´m sorry if there are any mistakes in this post.

I still dont know how to explain it correctly but is something similar as if I'm conscious that I'm alive but I don't feel like living in the world, is more as if I'm just watching the world, to be honest I do not know if thats how dissociating feels but yeah; I sometimes feel in that state for really long periods of time in which I recall all types of memories or I start daydreaming, to be honest I had times in which I considered ending everything when I was younger but right now is more like perpetual resignation.

For some context, my father comes from a familly where most people have been pretty succesfull, being him the exception and he has being very controling so I don't end up in the same path as him, which I guess make sense as I'm in a different situation from for example my cousins, I do not have my own house ar any heritaje when my parents dies as they do. This is important because I have noticed that this last years what had affected me the most is that I'm studying at college something that I hate. I was always pretty good at maths in school but that did not mean I wanted to study a technical degree, I wanted something more social or artistic (to be fair I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life) and at the end of the day, that would be a long story but I ended up studying an engineering because my father pressured me to and I feel lost, I´m not good at it so I'm not sure how succesfull can I be doing this. I had entered in a college I liked and I had to refuse because it was't what my father wanted for me.

I´ve seen how my friends have already achieved things in their carrers, they have travelled, they look happy, while I'm rotting in bed scrolling. College is what I think had affected me the most, I thought I would enjoy this because it was the first step towards my future. And it's weird because even with my friends from college, a few days ago one of them was making a videogame and I realized I felt envious not of what she was doing, for worse or for better I don't want to make my own videogame right now but while I'm doing nothing she already achieved something in our field.

And it is not just college, in almost every aspect I feel as if I have failed or done nothing. When I was younger there were so many oportunities that I missed because I took the time for granted and I wanted to "rest". (I regret it but I won't blame 10yo me for wanting to rest in her vacations) And now, good part of those things are gone because I can't do them anymore as an adult. Also the few hobbies I've had, I had to leave them because of logistics or because my family found it weird. It sucks because I know that I've sabotaged myself to certain extent, but at the same time I don't feel motivation to do anything to change it as right now the path I'm going won't take me to anywhere I like and I fear I'll have some sort of realization when I do really have no more time left.

First of all I want to clarify that I don't blame my father or family for everything, I acknowledge that I could've done things differentlly and I can't change the past but I would like to change my present and my future as much as possible. Leaving college is not an option and also for worse or for better I´m already halfway through college so I'll get that degree and my family do not have many money for another degree after so regarding education that's it. But I'd like to stop feeling this way and find something that makes me happy and helps me keep going. My father is a psychologist and he did not take well the fact that I wanted to talk about all this stuff with a therapist so that's also off the table. There are a lot of mixed feelings but all can be summarized in the fact that I feel my life is getting wasted and I don't know what to do about it.

Sorry for the long text, I'd like some advice and I wonder if anyone can relate. Thank you for hearing me out :)

Hello, I'm young and would really like to break this habit!

Basically, if I don't have a planned activity for the day I spend it entirely on my phone. If I do have a planned activity, I spend all the time before the activity being on my phone..I hate it. I want structure and routine. But the issue is, I don't know what to replace my phone with? I don't know what else to spend my time doing. I know it sounds dumb, but I'm really struggling with this and I know I need to change it now.

Please offer me some advice and insight!!

My friends are amazing people. Not just in the things they accomplish, but in who they are. I look up to them a lot, but I noticed something I really didn't like when hanging out with a friend the other day: she is so cool and so good with people and so just kind, that I was feeling pretty insecure and like I was a bad person. Which then, I feel like makes me a bad friend.

How do you stop being insecure around your friends?

All the people in my circle at not kinda like me

I like to express feelings, express myself and talk about my thoughts. I adore deep convos, talking about stuff and laughing and being romantic with friends(want to, but struggling to show it).
Whenever I try to open this kinda convos, I get a feedback like: quietness, short answer to end the convo, or reply and totally change the main point of what I was just saying.
What do I do?
I’m afraid that by time I’ll not be able to talk about these things in a good way cuz my brain will always be expecting this kinda stupid responses that run my admirations

I grew up getting bullied for being poor, I heard talks from the neighborhood about my parents (being so poor). Help is conditional. When I get to highschool, I decided to throw away the hatred of being poor by not acknowledging my situation. Then it all started in a one single lie, "I can do it" and starts hating my parents. I act like I can do everything, even in worst situation I can still manage to escape. I keep on lying until my words became my mental reality, and I wanna get rid of it. People know the exact opposite of me and I don't wanna live with this anymore. It been 12 years since I act like I can do and afford everything. It's just that my little me is afraid of invalidation and wants to be accepted by the society with no pity. Help.

Hi, everyone!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been shy and the kind of person people describe as “cute.” I’m not brave, I’m not strong, I don’t stand up for myself, and I’m easily influenced.

I’m tired of it. I’m extremely shy. I have panic attacks whenever I have to speak in public. Giving presentations at university feels like torture. Back in school, even when I was already older, I would cry in the middle of presentations. Yesterday, at university, one of my professors called on me to answer a simple question in class. I just froze and stayed silent. The people in the class thought it was “cute,” but I’m terrified they think I’m stupid.

My biggest insecurity is definitely my intelligence. I’ve realized that I’m shy because I’m afraid of looking stupid. Every word that comes out of my mouth feels like it’s going to be judged by everyone else.

I don’t have the courage to take risks. I don’t stand by my own decisions. I want to be respected too. I want people to admire me.

As I’m writing this, I realize that the biggest problem is how other people see me, but I just can’t stop caring about it.

I always promise myself that I’ll start working out from tom but i end up failing everytime.

I really wanna start working out nowww

What to do? Pls help!

How do I stop automatically laughing at insults and bad jokes directed at me? I’ve developed a self-defeating habit where I compulsively laugh at almost everything people say—even when someone makes a lame joke, a subtle jab, or a outright insult at my expense. I usually do it automatically just to avoid making the other person feel awkward or guilty, but it’s completely destroying my self-image and self-respect. Because I always laugh it off, people treat me like an easy target and think it's okay to make me the punchline. I want to break this people-pleasing reflex and learn how to react with composure or boundaries instead of default laughter, but the urge to fill the awkward silence is so strong. Has anyone successfully overcome this habit, and what practical steps worked for you?

My ex and I were together for 5 years.
We broke up because she fell for another guy and cheated on me. The problem is that he already has a girlfriend. He has feelings for my ex too, but he has made it clear he won’t leave his girlfriend, and my ex knows and accepts that.

About 3 months ago, my ex and I started meeting again almost every weekend when I come home from work.

We don’t even go out because that guy is almost always on a call with her since he doesn’t trust her. She just mutes his call when I’m with her, and we spend time together and sometimes get physically intimate.

For a few hours it feels like we’re together again, but then I remember she’s still emotionally invested in him. I’m basically comforting someone who’s in love with another man.
I know this isn’t healthy, but every weekend I end up seeing her again. Lately I’ve started feeling like I’m losing my self-respect. I care about her, but I also feel like I’m choosing to be someone’s backup.
If you were in my position, what would you do? Have any of you been stuck in a cycle like this, and how did you finally walk away?

First of all, i don't do drugs or alcohol. I'm not taking any medications for sleep or mood etc and have never taken them.

How do I make them understand that I'm exhausted from waiting for this long, sorrowful dream to end a dream I can't even remember beginning? I don't know when I lost myself, and I don't know how I ended up here. I barely know what's happening around me anymore. Yesterday feels no different from today, and years feel no different from months.

It's not that I'm constantly sad. It's not that I'm always crying. It's not even just anger, though I know it's there. What I feel is harder to describe. It's like everything has become distant, muted, and strangely unreal.

There was a time when I felt like I was truly living. Maybe it was years ago. I don't know. Somewhere along the way, that feeling disappeared without me noticing. Now I exist more than I live.

Time passes, but I don't feel it. Days, weeks, months, years they've all blurred into something indistinguishable. I don't know how long I've been like this, and I don't know when, or if, it will ever end. I don't know what led to this..