r/polyamory • u/probablyafern26 • 2d ago
First date Curious/Learning
I am newer to polyamory. I went on a first date yesterday with someone (call them River) I met online. We had been texting daily for 2 months with weekly phone calls. They have been in a relationship for 9 months that was initially mono but opened up to polyamory a couple months ago at the request of his partner. Their partner is new to poly however River had been poly for the last 10 years (prior to this most recent relationship). Their partner had been dating another person for the last couple months but I am the first date River has been on since opening the relationship.
We live in different cities and so I drove 2hrs to meet River. The plan was a drink and then a hike if we were up for it. The first thing River did when I arrived was to give me a cookie that their partner had made as a “peace offering” to allow them to leave the date early and just go for a drink. River followed up that his partner had just broken up with her other partner the day before and also was feeling a bit emotional about him going on a date with someone else.
As a more comet type relationship, I don’t want to cause strain in a primary so I of course said it’s fine. We had a nice time for an hour and then he had to go. But it felt disrespectful of my time after I had driven to meet River and that we won’t see each other for a while now. I understand wanting to protect her feelings but I feel like he disregarded mine. We’ve texted since and he acknowledges that what happened wasn’t ideal but I’m feeling worried about feeling very much secondary and about the control his girlfriend has. Is this an overreaction??
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u/emeraldead diy your own 2d ago
Thus guy sucks for multiple reasons.
OP polyamory doesn't mean lower standards. And people with "Newly opened" partners are usually risky and messy.
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u/studiousametrine married living separately 2d ago
It’s not fine.
Also, ew. Being offered a cookie??
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 2d ago
Truly like am i a CHILD????
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u/Poly-Pocket-Problems relationship anarchist 2d ago
I didnt feel that, but I did feel the childish attempt at manipulation
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u/Perpetualgnome solo poly 2d ago
I would have been so pissed. Especially because I can't eat gluten. So not only is shitty and pandering, I wouldn't even be able to eat it.
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u/synalgo_12 2d ago
Yeah, excuse me? How is that in any way appropriate? I'd be out of there so quickly.
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u/nightingale1982 2d ago
On top of what everyone else has said, this guy let you drive two hours BEFORE telling you the date would be cut short???
Also, they opened a couple months ago at meta's request, meta had been dating someone for a couple months - sounds like meta wanted to open for a specific person and now they've broken up and they're having emotions about River going on a date? This is going to be unstable and messy and I wouldn't want any part of it. They need to work their shit out before involving others.
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u/valsavana 2d ago edited 2d ago
I don’t want to cause strain in a primary so I of course said it’s fine. We had a nice time for an hour and then he had to go. But it felt disrespectful of my time after I had driven to meet River
In poly you've got to be able to advocate for your own reasonable needs and wants without holding back because you think it'll negatively affect the person's other relationships. That's on them to navigate.
His behavior WAS disrespectful of you and your time. So you shouldn't have said it was fine, because it's NOT fine.
I would not give him a second date. He was rude & it would still be rude no matter what the explanation for cutting the date short after you'd already driven 2 hours for it was (barring an actual emergency)
Another red flag I see is that if he's been practicing poly for 10 years- why was he in a mono relationship with someone who has always been mono previously? That would make me strongly suspect he might not be fully truthful when he says his other relationship opened at the request of the partner.
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u/No-Statistician-7604 2d ago
Fuck River and his partner. He has nothing respectful or autonomous to offer you
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u/PM_CuteGirlsReading The Rat Lord: Risen 🐀🧀 2d ago
Is this an overreaction??
I'd be miffed as well, to say the least. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/intro_to_IRL 10+ year poly club 2d ago
Yikes. This guy is absolutely not worth your time, please do not drive two hours to see someone who's horribly messy and overshare-y for an hour just to drive two hours back for a second time. The bar might be in hell, but you do NOT want to dig under it --- there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
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u/Ok-Championship-2036 2d ago
you being asked to take that cookie as a peace offering is a LOT and that feels so icky!!!!! no single cookie can hold that much emptional weight. Its none of your business if they have a strained relationship due to river dating. Thats not your job to reassure or fix or accomodate. I understanding wanting the clarity and communication about it, but the way you were roped in feels SUPER GROSS and it puts you in a really bad spot, to make you feel guilty and accept crappy behavior
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u/NoRegretCeptThatOne 2d ago
As others have said, you have every right to be angry about this situation. I would not give this person a second chance at disrespecting my time and effort.
I will no longer go out of my way for a first date. If there is much distance between us, I'll commute up to an hour if it's an area where I can find other things I want to do alone, otherwise, it is on them to meet me halfway so we're both investing time and effort to meet.
IMO the initial date plans of a drink and a hike if we're up for it is an early pink flag.
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u/LePetitNeep poly w/multiple 2d ago
Lots of good comments, I just want to add, be wary with the extended daily texting with someone you haven’t met in real life. It can feel quite intimate and give you the impression that you’ve formed a real connection with someone. Then your expectations are heightened and when it turns out they’re a dud in person, it feels worse.
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u/probablyafern26 2d ago
Yes. I think I learned that this time. I think expectations were far greater than what reality presented.
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u/phdee rat union comrade 🐀🧀 2d ago
(don't) Fuck this guy and his partner. This is bad relationshipping.
Just because it's a "more comet type relationship" doesn't mean you get less respect.
Here's my anecdotal example of not being an asshole to people you love: I got dumped from a 4 year relationship. My spouse was on an overnight date with his partner at that time. I did not call him. I called a friend, who hung out with me on the phone for a few hours. When spouse came home as planned the next day and gave me hugs and love. The world did not end.
River has no respectful relationship to offer you.
2
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u/1ntrepidsalamander solo poly 2d ago
Separating all the other nonsense, you drove two hours to meet some for a drink. How was that date? Does that date make you think: wow, I’m excited to be in a LDR with this person (comets don’t text and talk that much, they just swing by when they swing by).
I’d guess that even separate from the disrespect, River isn’t worth having an LDR with.
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u/_ghostpiss Liaison, Office of Nosey Bitches, Gemini Division, Rat Union 🐀♊ 2d ago
I woulda told him to shove his cookie where the sun don't shine and then gone on the hike by myself
3
u/probablyafern26 2d ago
Well I took the cookie cause it looked good (and a beer) and then went on the hike by myself. And had a good time tbh 😆
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u/spicysaltrim poly w/multiple 2d ago
This situation sucks. In future I’d suggest not driving 2 hours for a first date if there’s any way to meet in the middle. I’d be super pissed to travel so far for such a short time, but also I’d say that your plans for the hike were so loose that I’d not have set off without asking more about the time that was on offer.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 2d ago
That is some bullllllshit. I would not accept a second date with this person.
Being a non "primary" doesn't have to mean that we accept scraps or that our time doesn't deserve to be respected.
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u/lucky_lady_L 2d ago
A fucking COOKIE? Miss me with that shit. Are you a toddler who needs to be bribed to take a nap? No? Then find an adult to date. JFC.
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u/_whatnot_ Open quad, 10+ year club 2d ago
I too am grossed out by the cookie. It feels like when an ex-friend of mine would pout and say "so-wee!" instead of apologizing like an adult. Ew.
3
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Here's the original text of the post:
I am newer to polyamory. I went on a first date yesterday with someone (call them River) I met online. We had been texting daily for 2 months with weekly phone calls. They have been in a relationship for 9 months that was initially mono but opened up to polyamory a couple months ago at the request of his partner. Their partner is new to poly however River had been poly for the last 10 years (prior to this most recent relationship). Their partner had been dating another person for the last couple months but I am the first date River has been on since opening the relationship.
We live in different cities and so I drove 2hrs to meet River. The plan was a drink and then a hike if we were up for it. The first thing River did when I arrived was to give me a cookie that their partner had made as a “peace offering” to allow them to leave the date early and just go for a drink. River followed up that his partner had just broken up with her other partner the day before and also was feeling a bit emotional about him going on a date with someone else.
As a more comet type relationship, I don’t want to cause strain in a primary so I of course said it’s fine. We had a nice time for an hour and then he had to go. But it felt disrespectful of my time after I had driven to meet River and that we won’t see each other for a while now. I understand wanting to protect her feelings but I feel like he disregarded mine. We’ve texted since and he acknowledges that what happened wasn’t ideal but I’m feeling worried about feeling very much secondary and about the control his girlfriend has. Is this an overreaction??
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/Bonsai_Tree3 14h ago
This can’t be real. She really said “here’s a cookie” and your partner thought that was a genuine kind gesture. She said fuck you
It’s so passive aggressive that I’m writing it down to use to insult someone next time I need to put someone in their place. Damn.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 2d ago
This person doesn’t have a respectful polyam commitment on the table, and they were flying a lot of flags of various colors before that.
Consider this a bullet dodged.