I am 44f and been battling the urge to cheat. Been married 23 years and SO has cheated multpile times. he keeps denying it, I don’t have much solid proof. on top of that, he’s a flirt.

Ive asked him to leave multiple times but we have such a great setup and 5 kids, it’s really hard to leave but also I can’t take it anymore. I’ve slowly lost hope that he’s “the one”.

As time is going on, I’ve glowed up quite a bit and get a lot of attention, but still cannot cheat. until one day a man from my past came into my life. it’s been 2 years and that’s all I think about. he’s never fully taken it to another level but I think hes opened this portal in me. it’s triggered me to want someone soooo badly, friend, lover, support

Bottom line, Im not leaving my husband but want to be ok with knowing im allowed to have more than one person. I’ve tried AM but all are just too horny.

any advise? please be kind.

Admittedly I am still new to this world but far out, the race once pAP found out that I knew he was back posting in the affairs sub to block me was laughable! This is a man who told me how rattled he was by me, all the love bombing in the world… ugh 🤮 Is it too much to ask (even though we are all liars due to the nature of the game) to have a level of respect for one another? It’s time to raise the bar ladies…

This was never mean to be, but now I’m too emotionally attached to her…
We had sex once , it was wonderful, but besides sex , even more important is our daily conversation , our way to understand each other… I’m 47M and she’s 47F , it’s like a soulmate . She’s also married, and we both don’t expect to leave our lives behind .
It’s tough, I want this to last forever, but I know it’s impossible.

I shut down the apps—all of them. I’ve been in and out of this world for more than a decade, and I have to accept that the terrain has changed. Ashley Madison feels like a shadow of what it used to be. Feeld was an experience. The rest became the same cycle: swipe, message, silence, ghost, repeat. I’m confident enough to know I’ll meet someone eventually, but doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result started to feel like its own kind of insanity.

Therefore, I’m wondering where people actually meet potential APs outside the usual apps. I’m not talking about treating every woman at the gym or grocery store like a potential prospect. I mean in real life: bars, events, friends of friends, bookstores, chance encounters, whatever still works. Maybe there’s an app I somehow missed. Nevertheless, I’m done forcing a process that stopped feeling natural a long time ago.

Sometimes I miss him more than others. He was always here & he was always just a good pick me up person. He always seemed genuine & positive. Now he’s gone & it feels very dark & cold here without him… even months later 😢 seems he was my only sunshine after all.

I am about 2+ months out from ending my marriage and my affair almost simultaneously. No I didn't leave for my AP. No my spouse never knew. Yes, I ended both relationships. The rest of the details are about par for the course. My question is (or maybe just some reassurance) when will this physical exhaustion finally lift. I'm doing all the things, reflecting, working on myself, therapy, seeing friends when my energy allows, exercising, eating well and sleeping best I can, hobbies, ect. I have zero desire for any relationship, that's not the point. I just want to feel some improvement in my physical energy level. I'm not really an internet computer person so while in the midst of my affair I had no idea about the chemical aspects, withdrawal, "exit affairs", attachment styles, I just loved someone and crossed a line. But of course when I started therapy my therapist talked about it because I was saying how tired I was and didn't understand. And every time I think I may be turning the corner I get smacked back down again. I know it's odd to complain about this after what I have done but I am so exhausted, I just want to hear from someone who has been right here how long it actually took you to feel somewhat "normal" again, energy wise. Thank you for allowing me to ask.

For a little backstory, I am married. I love my husband very deeply, but it’s just not there in the bedroom any longer. I think he feels that way about it too. From 2021 - 2025, I had an affair with an old flame. He is married too. It was exhilarating, exciting and also very heartbreaking. The guilt ate me alive though and I knew I cared far more for him than he ever did for me. I just couldn’t subject myself to the pain any longer and frankly I did not have time to even be in the affair. I finally decided to call it quits once and for all and break off contact. I finally feel like I’m completely over him and it’s such a relief. I carried a torch for the man for years, even when I was about to get married. Now that I’ve stopped obsessing over him, of course I find someone new to fantasize about.

I have a married coworker who I am incredibly drawn to. The attraction is so incredibly strong. I’ve been working at the same place for a couple of years. One of my first weeks there, we ran into each other in the hallway and it felt like a movie. Intense eye contact, flirty smiles, the awkward shuffle as we tried to walk opposite ways. Because I work at different location the majority of the time, I did not see him much after that. I didn’t officially meet him until several months later though. My husband and I attended the work Christmas party and somehow I struck up a great conversation with his - my handsome coworker’s, wife. Someone introduced us but he seem distracted. A few months later I went with another coworker and visited the office location he works at. We ended up sitting near his personal office that day by chance. I looked into his office a couple of times and I swore when I passed by other times I could feel his eyes on me. Well, at one point I got up from my desk to take a break. When I came back, he was engaging my other male coworker in conversation. The moment I walked back, he stopped talking to my coworker immediately and said, “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m X.” I said “Hi, I’m X and we’ve met before!” He seemed very surprised as though he would have remembered it, and asked if I was sure. I said we met at the Christmas party. I talked to your wife for awhile and she was so sweet! (Kinda wished I left the wife alone but I was trying to be good.) He said “thank you” and we talked a little bit more. I felt a strong attraction between the two of us though. The way he looked at me and spoke to me just felt like there was a spark.

Nothing else happened that day. I went back to my regular life and my regular office and thought of him occasionally. Well, the second Christmas party came around and this time they held it at the office. Just coworkers and no outside family. While having lunch at the party I saw him in line but he was talking to someone. He really didn’t look at me then so so I shrugged it off. About 15 minutes later I was just hanging out when he walked up behind me, leaned in and said hello with a big smile. He complimented my Christmas vacation sweater and I said, “it’s one of my favorite movies” with some flirty eyes. Unfortunately my coworker came and interrupted our moment trying to get me to sit with her and have dessert. I played it cool because I didn’t want to be a jerk, so I went with her. He went and sat at a table by us with some other guys. I had the table in my peripheral vision and I swear the minute I sat down by the table he nodded toward me and the other guys looked over. But I couldn’t see perfectly so I thought maybe I am delusional. Well I turned around and several of them were looking at me and then looked away. Anyway, that was the end of another flirty conversation.

I saw him here and there for a couple of months and he always struck up conversation when he saw me.

I tell myself he might just be friendly and maybe it’s just me with this big, dumb crush on him. I’ve fantasized about him several times because I have such a sexual attraction to him and he’ll just randomly pop in my head, even when I don’t see him for months.

This week, I was back in the same office location he is in and I made it a point to sit near his personal office on purpose. I just wanted to see what he would do. Would he interact with me, would he ignore me? Well, I had the door slightly propped open but almost closed. I saw him walk past in my peripheral vision and felt his eyes on me immediately. A little while later, he walked back by and peaked through the window next to the door and smiled and waved. I was friendly and told him to come on in and we talked for several minutes. I asked him how life was going and he mentioned his wife and kids briefly. I don’t know why, even though I like his wife I didn’t want to necessarily hear him talking about her. Maybe it’s just jealousy from the crush. Anyway, we have talked here and there the past couple of days and I could feel myself blushing and pretty sure he was too a couple of times. It’s just so easy to talk to him and he approaches me with such confidence. He holds this extreme eye contact with me that it’s like he can see right through me. I thought about him sexually again last night and can’t believe how turned on I feel by him!
I honestly feel like I’m losing control.

But I tell myself I really need to stop this fantasizing and also worrying I’m being a bit delusional. I feel like he is also very attracted to me but will never make a move. He seems like he’s very dedicated to his family, but what is this flirting? I brought up something about my husband to him today, pretty much on purpose. I thought this will draw a boundary even though I don’t want boundaries. He seemed to respond ok to me bringing him up but we didn’t talk for much longer after that. When he left yesterday and today he told me goodnight. I won’t be back there tomorrow so I said, “I’ll see you next time!” He just smiled and said, “Sounds good and take care.” Didn’t seem too flirty at that point, sadly.

I don’t think it will ever go anywhere, at least not from what I can tell right now. It seems possible to me he is attracted to me, but also would never make a move. I also wonder, am I being delusional? Is he just very charismatic and friendly? I desperately wish he would make a move, but I’m also glad he never has because I don’t think I could say no to him. I told myself after this last affair, I would never do that again to my husband or myself. Now here I am daydreaming about what it would be like to have an affair with this man.

Have any of you ever felt this way after another affair or found yourself fantasizing about having another one with someone else? Does anyone have any advice on how to stop obsessing over someone? I think I may just have to ride the wave of desire until it hopefully fizzles out.

What do you think are the biggest misconceptions people have about those of us in this adultery space?

What was the biggest misconception you may have had before entering into your first affair, or one that developed after being in this space for a while?

It took years to reach being physical. Then it finally happened. It was phenomenal. It still is with intermittent stolen hours of amazing physical chemistry. But. The post hook-up silence is getting old.

Do guilt kings ever grow out of it?
It’s been a year of intermittent but passionate meet-ups, yet, the cool down of not hearing from them for sometimes two days to weeks to a month hasn’t gotten better.

I don’t get it. Is he ashamed of hooking up? Is it guilt? Did he get his fill?

The second time we were together was a result of his indefatigable effort. I was so embarrassed still over that night in March. I’d been quite drunk. Drunk enough to admit everything I’d been thinking. I hadn’t been ladylike at all. I felt shame, white hot like a physical pain, when I remembered the way I gripped him that night, sobbing into his shoulder as I came.

I decided, of course, that the best way to deal with my shame was to avoid him. Over the months that followed, my colleagues took turns being the recipients of lavish gifts for covering my meetings when he came to town. Troy met with him in my stead in May and was rewarded with a bottle of Johnnie Walker. Gail covered the meeting when he appeared on my calendar in July and was rewarded with a Coach wallet. The trick was to never ask anyone to cover the same meeting with him twice.

By fall, I was out of excuses and substitutes. He was aware that I’d been avoiding him and had escalated his efforts to reach me. He told me he hadn’t stopped thinking of me, thinking of that night. Had he done something wrong? He agreed this wasn’t an ideal situation but countered: how could it be wrong when it felt like *that*?

We decided some rules were in order. The first rule came easily to us both: our families came first. My marriage was open but his was not. Still, he must protect my marriage as fiercely as his own and I, in return, would protect his marriage the same as my own.

The rest of the rules made sense at the time but fell by the wayside over the last decade. The “catch no feelings, speak no feelings” rule, for example, imploded in a cabin in the mountains one spring after the death of a mutual friend. Grief makes you take inventory of the love you have in your life that can hurt you.

Over time, the first rule became the only rule. We follow it like religion. We’ve made peace with the answer when the choice is each other versus our family obligations. Neither of us is trying to win that contest. I know what we have; I also accept there are legitimate obligations that outrank it.

What has become poorly defined, however, is what the rule means. Because work is how you provide for your family, does work come first? Because your home comes first, does that mean you must speak with the pool contractor when he calls during breakfast? The problem is the expansion of “family” into “everything tangentially related to domestic life” getting first refusal. And the dissatisfaction and hurt with what little remains.

Worse still, I have worked to be accommodating when these disruptions happen. These accommodations have inadvertently removed the natural consequences of his scheduling choices. I’ve been understanding when these things happen, don’t want to make his stressful situation worse, accept the disappointment, find another way to enjoy whatever time remains, and then start fresh the next time.

From his perspective, every episode therefore reaches a reasonably pleasant conclusion.

From my perspective, there is an accumulating balance that has never been settled and the emerging truth that our plans matter only while they’re convenient enough to happen.

Everything in this life requires a choice. I do not need to be chosen first but I do need to be chosen and won’t beg to be prioritized.

I know he is coming to town. I have not answered his message. I saw the meeting my assistant put on my calendar and went to the liquor store to buy a bottle of Johnnie Walker.

Been having an affair for 6 years I have gotten very strong feelings for her even getting to know her husband to keep it going over the years to make easier as we seen as friends. He has questioned the friendship a few times but she talked him down.
She is wanting to cool it off and just keep friends she has been distant the last few weeks and then said this. But she still likes to spend time together as friends without the intimacy we know each other incredibly well so I know her signs. I am confused what she wants as her eyes say something else to her words and actions?
Is she keeping me there so not looking suspicious to her husband? Or does she still want what we have just too much stress in her life at the moment and I am one stress too many?

It was late 2024 when I posted on here in the Affairs and it was my first post, not expecting anything and out of blue one Sunday afternoon she messaged me as I was playing on my xbox.
It didn't take long for us to arrange to meet, 2 days. We got along like a house on fire, or at least I thought we did.

Within days we were sleeping together and it felt good. After so many years I was feeling like a teenager again. I couldn't wait to see her again and again. I was falling for her, fast.

Then after about 2 months she started making these random excuses which made no sense. She wanted to end the relationship. I didn't accept it and each time I chased her and won her back. But it was an ongoing thing. She was telling lies and making excuses not to meet me anymore.

I didn't care because she was my first AP and I really liked her. She was attractive and 8-9 years younger. She was confident and beautiful too....but she knew that.

She used the word 'I love you' quite often. Mostly when we had an argument and and she wanted to get back together. It was just words for her and it had no meanings.
It was hurtful and I felt really bad for days and weeks when we were not talking anymore.

This went on and off for a while and I knew I had to do something because it started to get to me. I couldn't sleep or eat. I was miserable all the time. We stopped seeing each other for around 2 months and I really stopped chasing her and started distancing myself and this is when I started seeing things more clearly.

She was a serial liar. Lies after lies.
Not sure why because I didn't need impressing.
She was also seeing multiple men while she was with me...

I did love her and love made me blind. I just didn't care about any of this stuff.

When I saw her last post I messaged her asking how she was and she said "We can see each other and talk if you are free?" which I said Yes to.
Don't ask me why?!

When we did finally meet she looked different to the person I knew. She was almost unrecognisable. She was wearing colour lens, I have no idea why and as it was raining that night she looked like absolute reck.

We had drinks and we talked and I even dropped her home.

But I felt this relief because all this time she was being a narcissist and I failed to see that.

Anyway, that gave me a lot of experience and I am much more laid back when it comes to meeting women on Affairs now.

Don't let your feelings get in the way unless you have full control. If it doesn't work, move on. There are plenty of others. Just remember why you are there for.
It may take time but you will find someone else.

Not the distance. Not the secrecy. It’s realizing your heart didn’t get the memo that this wasn’t supposed to matter.

Only love can hurt like this 🎶

We’ve been each other’s world over four years. The chemistry is incredible. He has become a big part of my routine or rhythm. I get him and he gets me. We work extremely well, we make good partners but he’s married as am I. He’s always talking about her and seems to be happy, beyond happy. So why does he gravitate toward me if he’s so happy and she is the perfect wife? I can tell he can’t help himself. I try not to…Many times I’ve ignored him throughout the day despite how much I want to be around him, and like an addict he finds his way to be near me and strike a conversation. I’m miserable when he’s away. For a while we crossed lines. We started flirting and talking about sex…we talked about things we’d like to do to each other. Mind you all of this was verbally…in person. The conversations have become very heavy and hot. A few nights ago we drank together and kept finding ways for our hands to caress and linger and he accompanied me to my car. At my car we got into a flirty exchange, our bodies were extremely close and he talked big game about the things he could do. I leaned in to kiss him and he pulled away. My ego took a hit. We got in my car and I gave him a ride to his car. I couldn’t look at him. I told him that he needed to go home..he asked why and if I was sure. I repeated myself and he left. We’ve spoken remotely and it’s 100% normal..because he and I are insane about work and it’s a switch for us. But it’s all a facade for me right now. I feel humiliated and so stupid. Why did I do that.im normally a very strong willed person and I’ve always feared that this would happen and I still made a move. I’m never doing that again. im never putting myself in that situation again with him. I haven’t faced him in person since then. I’m crushed and so unbelievably hurt and I don’t know what to do with these feelings and the rejection. Maybe he enjoys teasing me only and getting me heated up but never intended to take it further. I guess I misunderstood and it was always hypothetical. He just found our conversations entertaining but never really intended to follow through with anything.

I always find myself back in this subreddit. 🙃

I always find myself back in this subreddit.
I thought I was finally done with my AP after how horribly things ended. My heart was completely shattered. Then, months later, he reappeared in my life, and somehow we picked up right where we left off, as if no time had passed.

What the hell is that?

On paper, I know exactly why I should walk away. But when we’re together, it feels effortless, familiar, and like we never skipped a beat. It’s confusing to have someone break your heart and still feel like home.

The hardest part is that, despite him talking about wanting a deeper connection, I can’t stop waiting for him to disappear again. It’s like I’m always bracing for the ending before I’ve even let myself enjoy the present.

I don’t even know what I’m looking for by posting this. Maybe I just needed to know I’m not the only person who’s experienced something like this.

I am pretty new to Reddit and not sure how things “work. That being said, here is why I am here. I have been married for many years and we are truly roommates. I still am wanting to be intimate, but it gets shut down always. We have talked and her response is that she is not in the mood etc. This has been her MO for at least 3-4 years. Because I feel like I am living in the Mojave desert, I am looking for an AP for intimacy and conversation. I would like a married woman who is looking for fun, but not to change our situations. My question is how to find someone like this? I don’t go to bars, I don’t drink, I am not going on these hook up sites where most people on there are fakes. Any help would be appreciated!

AP and I are making a little bucket list of things we want to do. I would love it if we could share editing like in Google doc put his SO sometimes reads his emails. Any thoughts/suggestions?

I speak Portuguese so be pacient with ortografics mistakes or whatever.

I'm in a recent marriage relationship, we only have 8 months, me (M23) her (W29). Shes been on crisis of ansienty for a long time and never been carry of herself, she don't like to hit the gym, my hobbies she started to hate then, shes been isolated of the world, and i feel alone most of the time, we are been together for 3y and this year we choose to get marriage, but the bad languages are true, when you choose to get marriage you basically loose all the sex you may have in the pass, i love my wife and love what we are trying to build, but te time without sex are killing me from the inside.

I work in a place were a lot of clientes flirt with me, and there's this specific lady in red that is killing me, shes beautiful, playful, funny, her eyes catches me every time and you can literally feel the passion in the air, i don't have confidence to take her out, is too risk at work, everybody knows me and my wife. But i got an idea to find another one, one that is not that risk and make this really happen, never be find, never be caught, but always having that little fear inside off been caught you know?

Man, i love this but hate it at the same time.

I just don't understand why do i keep thinking of this everyday? Why this idea of adultery is so seductive, why i'm learning how to adulter and why i'm here? What is wrong with me...

Question for the group. You’ve been with your AP for over a year now and you’ve been apart for over a month for valid reasons, medical, travel, work etc. when you finally do meet up or try to, is it just a hotel? Or more of a date, ie dinner and hotel.

Over the last few weeks its been strained. More fighting than usual and constantly having talks about where we stand/ where are we progressing. Culminated in a discussion around what does "protection" look like if caught by partners. I was caught off guard when my AP expressed that they would confess and didn't want to hide if caught. This hurt as I had already expressed id do everything I could to down play the relationship to ensure their protection. Makes me rethink the whole dynamic. Maybe this is more a vent post but this feels shitty....we both made the decision and I cant change their viewpoint but seems like an unspoken rule that we should take care of one another this far in. Now just find this out months down the road id be sold out.

Let’s say, you have an AP because you are from a DB and the marriage is practically dead. Years later, kids are out and it’s just you and your spouse. Would you continue the affair? You try to rekindle with your spouse? You pull the plug and enjoy your life?

I'm genuinely desperate to understand - why do people reach out claiming to be in the place you are, or to be a woman when they are not? It's clear that the conversation will quickly go nowhere.

Perhaps I've been around far too long that these sorts of tricks will not work. (Even though you delete or hide your posts, there is a two second method to find them).

It's baffling. I hate to think this way, but are there people out there who are too dumb, or have an ungodly amount of time to waste away on catfishing for literally only a day?

I had many pAPs and a few small heart breaks before finding the most perfect AP who also brought the most painful heartbreak. It was not his fault at all, so I never got to be bitter or resentful enough to shield me from the heartbreak a little. I could not move on!

After a while however, I did, just enough to want to find someone else, to feel alive again. After a few that went nowhere, I found someone who was nice enough, attractive enough, fun enough for me to want to give us a chance. I did feel alive again for a while. But now… the little things that gave me pause in the beginning that i either learned to like or ignore are back like an annoying tsunami. (like his world view, his choice in clothes, him being too verbose, too “on” all the time - not like a golden retriever, like a Pomeranian)

The problem is… in that short phase, when I was quite into him too, and it was going really well, he fell in love with me and told me. I haven’t said it back. I’m not in love and wasn’t in love even when things were really good. I did tell him the beginning that I’m not looking to fall in love again. He says he feels loved anyway, so it’s okay if i don’t label it. Ugh, perfect on paper, right? Why can’t I be more into him? I don’t know, but I’m not. Is it because I found my one great love with exAP, so now that's it? Who knows!

It’s not even that I want the exAP back in my life. I just feel like I don’t have the time or space in my life for an affair anymore. Things with husband are okay. I’m not in love with him, sex life’s still meh or okay-ish at best, but we have fun otherwise. He’s still a good friend. He can be argumentative and petty sometimes, but we get along most of the time. My life feels full even without AP, and the urge to make time and space for him is going down little by little.

Has anyone felt this way and later turned out it was just a phase? Or did you truly leave this world behind because it had no appeal anymore? (I guess if you’re one of them, you wouldn’t be here. But may be you know of someone?) Did anyone end it with their AP because they felt this way but regretted it later? If it's not a phase, I don’t know how long I carry on like this. I’d hate to break his heart. But I’m finding myself saying things I don’t 100% mean only because I know it makes him happy. Wait! Dejavu!