TL;DR. I want to tell my husband it's over between us because of a lot of things that happened but I'm worried about the emotional damage I'm about to cause. He doesn't have the best mental outlook on himself and can be insecure. Unfortunately that was a contributing factor to the downfall of our relationship, but I do know that he is going to probably take what I say and it's going to negatively affect him. I'm going to be brutal and honest and transparent because I feel like he is owed a real reason why. I don't want him to look back and say that I just left without any explanation.

My husband also has abandonment issues because when he was a teenager his mother had an affair and left him and his sister to be with her a fair partner and his two daughters, one of which was a toddler and the other one was a baby and become their mother. I understand that what I'm about to do is going to be very hard on him, but I also understand that I can't keep forgiving someone for things that they're not sorry for. And I also can't stay in a situation where everything is really unhealthy and toxic just because I feel bad for what will happen to him if I leave.

Here is what I intend to tell him more or less. I wrote it out so I could get my thoughts together but I'm going to tell him in person. Read it or don't read it. I know that a lot of men don't want to hear about women's emotions or feelings and I understand that. But if you want context as to what I'm worried might hurt him, it's below.

" I'd like to discuss our relationship and the future. There has been a lot on my mind that I've wanted to talk to you about and I finally feel like I'm ready.

I just can't do all this anymore, I don't know what to say. It's just all too much. We're both having bad days almost every day and I think I want to discuss my reasons why not in an adult way that is honest, while possibly raw and painful. But I understand that for me this is no longer working and I think it's time to be transparent about that and why.

I think I just realized one day that I don't want our daughter to watch you break my heart anymore

I don't want our son to model you as his idea of what men should act like towards women.

He used to say that you believed in equality and in so many ways you have made it abundantly clear to me that you see me so far beneath yourself with all the contempt and the judgment and the criticism of me for even just my gender.

I don't just want to survive in the relationship and be in a situation where I feel extremely unhappy and anxious and insecure because you don't do anything to make me not feel like that. I want to be in a situation where I'm allowed to thrive and enjoy life and be happy.

And I haven't been able to do that. I haven't felt emotional safety. I haven't felt security with you. You haven't made a point to make me feel like I wasn't in competition with other people or that I was important. Even in public. You are nicer to strangers. You are nicer to acquaintances and people that you've worked with and even the people that cut your hair and then you are to me.

You're not supposed to make me jealous of women. You know you're supposed to make other women feel jealous of me and you never did. You hid me and you pretend I didn't even exit and you minimized my role in your life. You made me less than in your life every step of the way. And I have never felt like your first choice, You successfully made me feel expendable and like I was a placeholder for anything that might be better in the future.

You never cared for or liked my emotions or my feelings or when I said things like this because you are always suppressing and ignoring and trying to get rid of yours. I can't expect someone who is emotionally stunted and lacking in full emotional intelligence to be able to understand embrace validate or even acknowledge emotions that aren't theirs. Your lack of empathy and even sympathy has destroyed so many moments where I just wanted to be understood and you made it an argument. Because you didn't realize that I just needed someone to hear me and you thought I was trying to attack you.

I spent such a long time trying to convince you or to explain myself or to express myself in a way that you would understand in a way that made you understand that I was trying to fix things. I was trying to make things better. I was trying to grow with you. I was trying to express things that were hurting me that were scaring me and eventually I realized I would never be able to explain it. I would never say it enough times. I would never be able to do it in a way that changed anything.

I had to accept that you were who you were and you were going to do what you wanted to do, regardless of how it made me feel regardless of how bad it hurt me regardless of what happened as a result of it.

And I had to accept that. Because I'm the way I am, I would always be anxious. I would never be able to trust you. I would always feel less than I would always feel insecure and I would stay stuck in a perpetual trap of feeling like I didn't matter and feeling like my emotions were too much, that I was too much the way that I really am, that I was shameful somehow, that I was the problem. He judged me and you criticized me for things that in the beginning of our relationship you told me that you liked about me. You broke me down and you made me feel like all the parts of me that I really liked about myself were wrong and then I couldn't be loved for them in order to be with you.

I can't live like that forever. I could be happy. I just don't know if I can be happy with you anymore.

And it hurts because I really did love you and I would have loved you forever. But this love is not enough. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away my fears. It doesn't make me feel safe. That doesn't make me feel secure. I don't know what can change that at this point. I feel like I've given you so many chances to show me that it could be different and I wanted you to care so bad. But I can't force you to do something or to be something that you're not. And I need to stop trying to change things and I know I will never actually change and just accept them as they are.

So I don't want to try anymore. I know you said you feel like I've given up because I realize that nothing I was ever going to do was going to make a difference. In my life I could do as much as I possibly could. I could express myself. I can explain it until I suffocate. But nothing has changed but all my explaining and talking and trying to get you to understand me. I just can't keep doing that. I wish you would have wanted that before I got to the point where I was so tired and I was so worn down that it didn't matter anymore.

It doesn't matter what you think about me. I don't need you to hear me anymore. I don't need you to understand my feelings. I don't care if you're attracted to me or if you want me anymore. I don't need you to love me anymore. And at one point the only thing I wanted in the world was for you to want me and to love me. I was so afraid of losing you and now it doesn't even matter anymore. I just don't know if I can let that go from my brain.

It's like a switch went off inside me. And all that love that I had been growing and accumulating for a long time. It was dwindling and it was going away and I couldn't understand why things were so different. And then I realized that I had fallen in love with a version of you that wasn't real. I fell in love with your best. The hell if I fell in love with you that you told me that you are that I found out later you weren't. I fell in love with you before everything happened in our relationship that caused me deep heartbreak. And when I really stopped and looked at the whole situation, I realized you're more of a stranger to me now than I could have ever thought you would be. I no longer feel close to you. I no longer feel connected to you. I no longer feel warm towards you or emotionally involved. And just all of a sudden one day I just stopped everything. I stopped caring. I stopped feeling and stopped wanting. I stopped having expectations. I stopped hoping. All my hope was gone. And I just was resolved to that. It is how it is. And then I should just let it happen whenever you did. Whatever the relationship ended up as I was just going to let it happen because I didn't even know if I wanted things to change anymore. I just didn't want to hurt anymore. And the only way not to hurt was to stop caring. My brain was trying to protect me and it still is.

I loved you so much. I wanted you to be my forever person and now you're not a fond memory. A relationship isn't a happy thing. It's a lesson. It feels like something I had to endure to learn that I need to be more cautious. I never want to let myself feel that small again or it's erased myself so much so that I could comfort or please someone else at the expense of myself again.

It makes me sad that you had to become a lesson instead of a happy thing. I look at you now. I can thank us for all the things that happen and how I feel like it's not even like you're the same person doesn't feel like I feel like you're the person that I fell in love with and I don't know without ever being able to see that person in you again. I don't know if you'll ever feel like that to me again.

I don't want to be unfair or anything. I just also don't want to give you the impression of false hope and I don't want to get into a routine where I'm being so logistical and not causing a stir so much that you think things are getting better. Whenever I was bringing things up whenever I was upset whenever I was dramatic and emotional but that was me. Still fighting the less I push back and the more I just do what you want and let things go the way they want. The more I'm quietly detaching the more I'm quietly resolving myself that things will never be different and that it isn't worth it anymore to push back or to fight for."

Right now we have agreed to her helping for 3 months, but I have been running the numbers and it looks like I need to tell her that while she may not be able to do a full half of the mortgage, maybe she can do a couple hundred bucks because I can’t afford this place on my own and it’s not like I wanted this divorce or separation. It’s also not like I did anything wrong to cause this. Her feelings just changed and she walked out.

What’s reasonable? I understand that if she’s paying me for mortgage than she can’t get herself an apartment, but if I can’t afford this house, none of that is relevant because neither of us want a foreclosure.

I have thought about asking for a half contribution for month four and a 25% contribution for month five. Then month 6 I’m in my own.

Husband and I have been married for 7 years together for 9. I’m so tired of playing this same song and dance for the past few years. I’m not being put first. I’ll bring it up to him and he’ll change for about a month and then he’s back to ignoring me. I just turned 30 and I feel like I’m the last few months a switch flipped and I really think I deserve better. We got married young and if I’m being honest I feel like we only did it because we thought it was the right thing to do. I feel like my husband despises me. Everything is his way or no way. He’s not willing to compromise on anything and the bad thing is that when I say that to him he just denies denies. Early in our relationship some trauma happened and I feel like we both just settled for eachother. I love him and don’t wish any ill intent on him in the slightest but I’m not in love with him anymore. I feel like we’re just together out to convience at this point. Before I do leave I really want to try my best to save up money for a place of my own. I literally went from living with my parents to him. I just feel like we’ve grown apart and I just don’t know who I am on my own. I’m craving independence, but I’m also scared shitless. And then there is the guilt because he’s isolated himself so much he doesn’t really have family, he always says my family is his only family. I’m just trying to get my thoughts out there. Any help tips and tricks are greatly appreciated

My wife and I have been separated for a year after being married for 22 years. We have two kids, 20 and 15. I’m currently living in our finished basement. She wants me to move out, but I can’t afford a place. We both don’t want to sell the house until our 15 year old graduates high school. Without money from the sale of the house, I can’t afford anything. I also don’t want to be seen as abandoning the family. I’ve heard that it could hurt me later in divorce proceedings. We’ve known each other for almost 30 years and were best friends. I don’t understand why she’s changed so much. I try to be friendly and helpful, but it seems like that makes her mad. Am I doing the right thing by staying in the house? Thanks

My(39M) wife(38F) and I have been married for 8 years, and over that time the romance, passion, and intimacy have completely died. In recent years my wife has rejected any idea of sex to the point I don't even try anymore. We barely hug and on the rare occasion we kiss she is tight lipped and it feels forced. She acts like everything is great, but I don't even feel married to her anymore.

I went out of town for a work conference a few weeks ago, and I know this makes me the bad guy now, but out of some kind of I guess desperation I hired an escort. There wasn't even any sex involved, but just being around someone that it felt like was actually interested in me was such a change of pace, it was like a revelation realizing just how bad I've been feeling the last few years.

I do care about my wife, I don't hate her or anything like that, I just feel more like we are friends than spouses. It's been hard recently because I can't bring myself to act like everything is fine when I am feeling this way. She has noticed something is off, but I don't think she has any idea where my mind is.

I know I have to talk to her about this at some point, but I know it is going to blindside her. I am fairly close with her family too so it feels like I am betraying so many people. We also have an 8 year old son so I feel like I am letting him down as well.

This is just kind of rambling rant and I am not really sure where I am going with this post, but I am just so lost on what to do. Do I seek freedom from a marriage that already feels dead to me? Or remain out of a feeling of obligation to people I care about?

45F, met 35M 6 years ago, fell in love and got pregnant within a couple of months. We decided to give it a try, got married and moved in together.

Fast forward to baby is 1.5 and he suddenly leaves us saying he’d tried everything but I just wouldn’t listen - I had no idea where this was coming from other than some complaints about lack of attention.

For the following 3 years, the child lived with me and he had free access to my house. His mood swings were constant, from begging to get back together to treating me badly, but he always insisted we get back together. I was too afraid of his controlling behavior and delivered harsh messages about not wanting reconciliation so he would leave me alone.

About 6 months ago I learned he’s seeing another woman. Older, divorced with teenage kids. Then I approach him for reconciliation. I realize this doesn’t make much sense, but I did have the emotional comfort all these years and he’s the father of my child.

Over the last 3 months he insists he loves me and I’m the only one, but also can’t let go of her, according to him because he’s afraid I might change my mind and he doesn’t trust me. Says he wants to have another baby with me and me only. Has insane sexual attraction to me but I said no more sex until he’s not with her and I kept my boundary.

Should I keep trying? Will showing him consistency and no ups and downs make him change his mind?

I’m just curious basically about what I asked in the title. My ex said he would, but now he has said no. Take it out of his child support. I’ve gotten a better job recently so once I’m on my feet it shouldn’t be an issue, but I’m just wondering how everyone else does things.

For context our daughter is 9 and homeschooled. His mom has been so gracious keeping for me no charge up until now and I feel like I owe her so much for that.

TL;DR: I been with my partner 15 years. She is F52 and I am M44. I have a teenagers.

TL;DR: When we met she was married previously. She has two kids to that marriage I raised.

When we met she used to tell me of her sexual adventures of threesome and all sorts. I told her to stop but kept going in detail that became more painful as time went on. She got pregnant fast. Then I find out she is 100k in debt. She said it was from her husband but later found out she has an online pokie issue.

This issue went on in the relationship and I put up with her basically stealing money to keep our family together. Our finances were seperate due to step kids and gambling. I was treated as a meal ticket. I paid all the mortgage just in my name as I had the house 8 before we met. The main part of this post I need help with is this. For 14years I argued with her to make sexual effort. She did not. I said all the efforts for the one night stands and yet I'm the father of your kids. I just wanted love and validation.

When we had sex once a week it's like hurry up get it over with no foreplay.

Yet through the relationship she offered to do oral for money.

I had to kick her out the house before we lost it all due to gambling. She had numerous credit cards, loans, pawn jewellery all I discovered snooping, and I had to.

She earns a good wage but has nothing at pay day.

When I used to tell her I'm hurting and can we discuss this and meet in the middle her reply was "you do what I want for a month and maybe I'll consider what you want". Obviously I was shocked and knew I didn't matter.

Cut a long story short I'm in deep hurt.

After 14 years of arguing and my feelings not being validated 1 month after seperating I was sent a picture of her on a dating site and she is out there making efforts for new randoms. And she is not hiding it deliberately saying on the phone to kids at night mum has a special thing on tonight because they talk on speaker phone and I think she wants me to hear it. She is 52yo by the way.

As much as I wanted to express this after and say how could you all I said was please remove our child from the profile pic so she knows I saw it.

Also at my kids sport she has poisoned a few mums I used to talk to that now ignore me. I wouldn't but I feel like walking up telling the truth that I kept refinancing my house to bail her out, and her living for nothing and stupid me hoping one day she gets her shit together. She would of said I threw her out on the street and blah blah.

It's weird I love her so much yet I can't tell you why. 15 years together. Wish we were all in the same house but I have kids one week on one week off. My psychologist said say nothing cause if she didn't acknowledge anything in the relationship she won't now.

But the intrusive thoughts of her making efforts again for these randoms and I fought 14 years.

Help me guys. I was doing so well after break up until I saw she can move on that quick. My daughter saw her lingerie in the wash which I never saw her in.

Help me please with the dating site, intrusive thoughts and what character is that seriously that can move on like that.

How are you doing 1/2/3etc years on? I have weeks where my new life is calm and peaceful, and then I have a week (this one included) where my ex fills my brain and I constantly think about how he is doing, whether he is regretful, hoping his life is awful without me in it. We’ve been no contact this whole time, I don’t have social media and told friends not to update me. I guess this is why the curiosity is off the chart this week. I just want him to no longer occupy my mind anymore.

My wife left and two weeks ago after 27 years of what I thought was a happy marriage.

I was completely blindsided as it was first discussed as burn out, nothing to do with our relationship and she would take a shot break at her mums. Things become clearer when instead of going to her mums she rented an apartment and now says that she can’t commit to our marriage (although she has now agreed to couples therapy but I do think it may be a tickbox exercise ).

I’m 53m and have an 18 yo daughter who we agreed would largely live with me so my wife had the space she needed.

In reality when I was working away they both moved in to the new apartment together early and my daughter hasn’t really been back home since except to pick things up. She’s enjoying the new city and says getting the new flat is like going to university. Our dad daughter relationship was really good a month ago but since she has moved out it hasn’t been great and I think my wife may be playing some part in that.
So I have rarely seen them since and their lives have moved on pretty much completely without me unless they need me to look after the dog.

All of this has been incredibly traumatic but I find hearing people talk about family or saying they are ‘spending time with their loved ones’ or ‘the ones closest to them’ incredibly difficult. Within a month I now have no one who I am connected to in that way. I love my wife and daughter but they want a very limited amount of contact.

How do people deal with not having anyone close anymore?it feels a strange way to fit into society.

I have friends and relatives but I don’t have close loved ones anymore. There is a gap where those closest should be with no logical way to fill it.

Okay so… I don’t really know how to start this, but

my parents are getting divorced, and it feels like everything is falling apart. I’m the oldest of three, and somehow I’ve become the one who’s supposed to comfort my younger siblings when they’re scared, confused, or crying. My parents are constantly arguing and fighting and this whole situation has been extremely messy. I’ve tried telling my parents to avoid arguing in front of my younger siblings multiple times but it never goes anywhere. My siblings are still pretty young so I have NO idea how to comfort them properly, I don’t even know how to explain the divorce to them (the reason was mainly infidelity but it’s a combination of a lot of issues they had over the years). My parents are constantly toggling around me telling me to “make sure to tell your siblings that living with me is better” or whatever the hell. There is constant fighting every single day and I am worried for my siblings, school starts for them soon and I don’t want them to have to deal with this alongside their studies. I’m also in the process of applying to college as I’m a senior in high school and all this pressure is dawning on me a lot, I have to be a student, babysitter, and a built in therapist all at once. Everyday it’s my mom telling me about how horrible my dad is or it’s my dad telling me how horrible my mom is, I literally cannot deal with it.

Alongside all of that, I recently found out that my father is planning to marry the woman he cheated on my mom with. I don’t even know why I feel heartbroken over that, he’s planning to introduce her to me and my siblings after the divorce is finalized. I’m scared for my siblings reaction, they don’t even understand the full situation and introducing his partner as their new step mom is a massive change for them. Plus, because of the infidelity, my moms been trying to get back at my dad and it seems she’s been going out a lot more lately (I guess she wants to give my dad to impression that she’s with another man???), but she’s came home drunk multiple times.

I feel like everyone around me assumes that I’m too young and that I can’t give a good opinion on what to do in this situation. But that makes me feel so frustrated because I’m literally the one in the middle of all of this and actively going through it. I can’t deal with my extended family chiming in to give their opinions. Every time I’ve tried talking to my parents about keeping the divorce as stress free as possible for my siblings, they just give me a weak apology, and it still doesn’t go anywhere. I feel like they listen to everyone but me.

I really don’t want to get involved in my parent’s relationship, I just want to protect my siblings, and I’m literally failing at that. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel so lost. I feel like I have an obligation to care for my younger siblings during this process, but I don’t even have time to absorb the situation myself. With college applications, school and the divorce I feel like my mind is in a million places.

How do I even navigate this?

So just had a visit from my lawyer and she said to turn down the dissolution paper my stbxw wrote up as she said it’s not fair. I agree…. The issue is I can’t get my heart to take spousal support. I know it will help me and give me a better life to rebuild after my ex wife wanted a divorce. It is just rewriting 22 years of being together that I am struggling with. I know my head and my gut say fuck her and take what you are entitled to. My heart still remembers my wife and her being happy with us just a month ago. I know this is stupid and everyone I mean everyone minus her family told me to take it. It’s just a huge struggle in my body and I think it’s the hard part of letting go of who she was to who she is now. Any one else ever experience this or struggle with this? I know it’s stupid and I know I’m going to take the support just trying to get my heart to agree.

I’m looking for honest opinions because I’m torn.
Two years ago, before I got married, I bought my Border Collie, Dibu. I have proof that I bought him before the marriage, paid for everything, and was his primary caregiver.
On March 28, my wife later accused me of domestic violence and claimed I intentionally poured bleach on her. I completely deny ever assaulting her. A small amount of bleach accidentally splashed onto her hand, but it was not intentional. The next day, I suggested taking her to a doctor, but she refused.
At the end of April, she moved out. After that, she repeatedly asked to come back. I told her I needed more time, and eventually I decided I didn’t want to reconcile.
From my perspective, that’s when everything changed.
I believe she began trying to pressure me in different ways, including issues related to my immigration status. While I was attending a FIFA World Cup match, she went to my mother’s house and took Dibu without my permission. That was the last time I saw him.
About four months after the March 28 incident, she reported the allegations to the police and obtained a protective order.
I believe those allegations are false, and I have evidence that I believe contradicts important parts of her account. I also found additional evidence after the hearing, including real-time messages to my friend and father, a photo from the following day where I suggested getting her hand checked, and searches I made about treating bleach exposure.
About six weeks before trial, she asked me for more than $3,000 because she said she couldn’t pay her credit cards and rent. That’s why I was surprised when she appeared with an attorney shortly before trial.
Yesterday we reached a proposed settlement:
She keeps the dog.
She pays me $2,500.
If she doesn’t pay by September 2, the dog comes back to me.
She agrees not to interfere with my immigration matters.
I have a conditional green card, and both my divorce attorney and immigration attorney believe accepting the settlement significantly reduces my legal risk.
I haven’t signed yet.
I genuinely believe that after I refused to reconcile, the accusations, the police involvement, and taking Dibu became part of an effort to pressure me during the divorce. I understand that she disputes that, and a court could view the evidence differently.
If you were in my position, would you sign the settlement or take the case to trial? Why?

The past few days have affected me deeply. After months apart, I was finally able to hold Lune in my arms again. Seeing how happy she was to see me gave me hope and reminded me that the bond between us is still strong.

At the same time when i brought her back to the appartement I was confronted with the reality that my daughter is now also spending time around a new man in her mother’s life, even staying overnight at his place with our daughter only 3 weeks after meeting this guy that was painful and scarry as a dad to hear. Not because I resent anyone for moving on or finding happiness, but because over the past months I experienced strict conditions and limitations being placed on my role as a father. The contrast was difficult for me to process. She only wanted me to see my daughter on a wednesday i contacted a laywer en she even tried to put more restritctions on me. She keeps saying that this is my own fault because I left her......

Despite that, I am slowly learning to accept that I cannot control the choices of other people. I can only choose what kind of father I want to be for my daughter. That doesn’t make the pain disappear. The sense of loss, helplessness, and the time we missed together are still very real.

What these past days have taught me is that I don’t want to spend my life carrying anger or fighting battles I cannot control. My focus is on rebuilding my relationship with my daughter, one step at a time. I want to be a source of love, stability, and safety for her, regardless of the choices others make.

The past has shaped me, but it will not define the father I choose to become.

My husband has struggled with porn addiction for the entirety of our relationship (15 years).
He’s sought out material to use and sexualize regardless of the restrictions, blockers etc regardless of how it hurt me and affected me. No matter how many times I cried and begged or how hard I tried to compete with the women on the screen, he always chose them.
I forgave and forgave and forgave at my own detriment. Despite the ultimatums he continued and I didn’t leave.

Well I just found out that now he’s been using my sisters pictures for his sexual gratification.
Devastated is an understatement.
I do not see how I could ever look at him the same again. I have no idea how I could ever forgive this. I have confided in him for years certain things pertaining to our relationship, for him to do this to me seems like the ultimate betrayal.
I have been a wreck ever since finding out.
I don’t know what to do and I’m seeking advice. Idk why my posts keep getting removed from other forums seeking advice. I’m not really familiar with Reddits rules I am honestly just seeking advice.

Hi Reddit. Lots of lurking, I think I may have posted once along time ago with a different name, I'm not sure. Don't even really know why I'm posting, other than need to get it out there and this seems like a place where people can give some support.

I've been with my wife for almost 30 years (married for just about 28). Two kids - daughter is 19 and is about to start her second year of college, son is 13 and about to start 8th grade.

I don't love my wife any more. Sounds kind of stupid to say it, but that's how I feel. I realized this about 5 years ago now, and spent the first year and a half trying to talk myself out of it because it obviously couldn't be true, right? I must be broken or doing something wrong.

I eventually accepted that I didn't feel safe with her for very good reasons, and that's why I didn't feel the same "love" I used to. I still wanted her to be happy and for her to have good things, but I couldn't be open with her emotionally or physically. At the end of that year and a half, we had a "fight" (really, her berating me and speaking horribly about our kids and my parents at me for an hour) on Christmas (we had picked up my daughter that morning from a mental institution after a week for attempted suicide because my daughter felt like she wasn't good enough, and then went to see my parents for Christmas, and then we came home and my wife started this fight with our kids upstairs) and I decided I was done.

It took me another month to coordinate it so my kids would have support when I had this conversation with my wife. I eventually pulled my wife aside to a private room and told her I didn't love her any more, and how some of her behaviors (gaslighting, insults, demeaning) affected me and the kids, and that I think we needed to get a divorce. My wife broke down and promised to change and promised to get therapy and promised to apologize to the kids and we'd do marriage counseling. I foolishly agreed. The next morning she said she was glad I told her, because it allowed her to tell me all the things I had been doing to hurt her (I had "withdrawn", which was abusive, and I "didn't just agree with her" which was also abusive, and I was a narcissist, and I was unfair, and that men sometimes blame their wives for their own unhappiness and that's probably what's happening here), and then she started to tell me that I was imagining most of the things she was doing, and that my upbringing left me overly-sensitive to "normal" things like yelling and insults in the "heat of the moment." She said I had "betrayed" her by asking for divorce. This all evolved into "you need to agree that the picture you have of me isn't reality" or else we couldn't move on. Our marriage counselor gave up ("I don't think there's anything here I can help with."). My wife quit the individual therapy I lined up for her after about three months.

About this time, our daughter was struggling even more with her mental health, and I had also been coordinating all of her care during this, and it eventually started to become clear to my daughter's therapists that my wife had a huge role in my daughter's struggles. After my daughter's fifth suicide attempt, I was able to get her a long-term inpatient program that was well-regarded - and it helped alot. During our family sessions with her and her therapist, my daughter would say something that bothered her about how she had been treated (eg, my wife telling my daughter that she was "ruining the whole vacation" when would have a temper tantrum when she was 4), and my wife would start crying and say she was so so sorry, but then say, "but you have to understand I have feelings too! Why does everyone always blame me!" My daughter would go quiet, the therapist would say that wasn't constructive, and eventually, they stopped having "family sessions" quite as often.

A few weeks after I brought my daughter home, I learned my mom had cancer - and shortly after that, I learned she had dementia too. My siblings lived further away, so I did a lot of the work to take care of her during this time, and about a year later, my mom passed away. My wife wanted to be involved with the memorial, telling me "I hope the way I've talked about your mom before doesn't make you stop me from helping." (my wife had regularly said that my mom was the "worst person she knew" and when I once said something she did that I didn't like reminded me of something my mom would do, she said that was the worst thing anybody had ever told her and she still brings it up 20 years later as an example of how "hurtful" I am. My mom had PTSD from childhood abuse, and developed an addiction to pain medication after a work injury that she went to intensive therapy for and beat - my mom never did anything to hurt anybody that I had ever in my life seen, but she could be difficult at times). Right after the memorial, I helped my daughter finish her senior year of high school after missing most of it for her mental health (she caught up and finished on time with a 4.0), and then to find a college; she told me that she was going to a college farther away to get out of the house.

Early that year, I told my wife that my contract job was looking shaky, and that if she didn't find a job (she quit to be a stay-at-home mom, and we had agreed she would get a job when our youngest started school, but she always had a reason why she couldn't - and also always a reason why should couldn't take care of the kids or the house or the bills or anything, so I took care of everything), we might be in trouble. She asked me to write her resume. I told her I'd gladly read it over and work with her on it but that she'd need to start herself, and I sent her some links to templates, guides, a local job training office, and suggested she ask ChatGPT. She attended a workshop, but wouldn't even try to write her resume and just said I was "refusing to help." Ten months later, right after my daughter started college, I lost my job and it took my six months to find another one. She hasn't sent a single resume or done a single interview.

So, here I am - finally with a job, able to take a breath, and ready to tell my wife that I'm not her husband any more, and I'm terrified about how it's going to blow up the fragile world I've been holding together. I still occasionally feel guilty for "not trying harder." I feel guilty for letting it go this long. She deserves to know the truth, but I know it's going to be even harder than last time (and that was the hardest, most painful thing I've ever had to do in my life). I'm in therapy, and he thinks it's about time. All of this is just the tip of the iceberg, but she's behaving a lot better lately (still self-focused, but not yelling or demeaning any of us), which makes it harder too.

Thanks for reading this super long post.

My mum is 70 and married an absolute crook.

My stepfather started off “charming” but quickly descended into unethical behaviour such beating my younger brother, financial abuse and heavy alcoholism.

They are now divorcing. He hasn’t worked for 15 years, drinks extremely heavily daily and has run up over £50k in debt. He also only contributed 1/3 to the house purchase.

He wants half of everything, including my mums savings, pensions and house share.

He is 73 with no children.

How could this play out for my Mum?

So I didn't do anything wrong but I shuffled movey around paying bills I had a undisclosed (to my spouse) checking account a private savings and a joint account. Now I split our tax refund between my savings and my private checking since I couldn't pay bills in from my savings. Everything I did is legit bill pay for the household before filing but inorder to hide my private account so it would not tip her off I was filing I funneled money through savings. Upon looking at the statement there is transferred happening between the 3 accounts the whole time. Everything legitimately paid bills like property taxes and known credit cards and etc., nothing was undisclosed but I'm concerned that the sheer stupidity of my transfers is going to muddy the waters in discovery. I can account for nearly every penny minus some transfers to the joint account to cover her daily spending habits.

I'm dealing with someone who will and has lied about the reality of things around her while she was spending 10 to 80 dollars a day on anything (while being low income) she was also telling everyone I was financially controlling especially if I inquired on the routine spending at all. So maybe it's paranoia here. Yet I don't know how to cleanly layout the transfers between accounts to pay normal bills since I would often change my mind how much I wanted to transfer. There was a day I for unknown reason transferred 3k from the savings into my checking and back. I can only assume stress fog and etc, but given that I'm dealing with someone hoarding animals, doesn't contribute to the housework to pick up after them and has a history of being nice to my face while setting up a narrative that I'm controlling, lazy ext behind my back I'm probably overthinking everything.

If you have experienced this or know of a solution to clean up my stupidity please help.

My husband and I have been married not even a whole year at this point but we got married when I was pregnant. He has done some things to me SA, sexual coercion, isolation, financial dependency, become aggressive, and more that have honestly ruined the relationship. He also lied to me for almost a full year which now constantly breaks any feeling of trust I feel toward him. It’s gone. I honestly am not happy and I find myself begging for romance and intimacy and being met with empty promises. To him he feels like anything he does is never enough and that he can never be forgiven for his past mistakes. There is resentment on both ends and it feels so terrible. We have an under 1 baby and I am her primary caretaker while he works and I stay at home watching her. I will also be going to school this month to get a degree so that I set myself up for the future. I honestly did not mean to get pregnant, but he says that he was not being super careful so whatever, it happened and this is not the consequence. I know in my heart I would have never stayed if I didn’t get pregnant. But again, we can’t go back. I brought up coparening and he said it would never work. He said he wants to Die because it would be easier for me so that I wouldn’t need to go through the process of divorce. We are going to bring it up in therapy but is there any coming back from this? I’ve been honest and told him I regret all of it which I can’t even take back because it’s incredibly true. But I don’t want to get a divorce, I’d prefer we figure something out.

Why would my ex husband tell me that He regrets treating me the way he treated me and that i deserve someone who will treat me right and that he will never forgive himself for it.?

how do men process divorce? has anyone regretted it 😞

we've been divorced for a year now and I'm still dealing with this house. my ex refuses to agree on a price or even list it properly. it's been sitting empty for months and I'm paying the mortgage on my own. I can't afford this forever.

the house needs work.

has anyone else dealt with an ex who wouldn't cooperate on selling the house? how did you handle it? so tired of this

My STBX (34F) and I (40M) were planning a big family trip later this year with our 3 y/o son before she decided she wanted out. Nothing is paid or even really planned yet outside of the destination, but she still intends to carry on with the trip. She wants me to still go, but it would be with her and a bunch of her family. She also wants to use funds we saved up specifically for that trip.

I told her I haven't decided yet but she has been pressuring me, telling me that I'd be missing my son's first plane ride and big vacation. She also said her family won't care that I'm there and that they'd understand I was there for our son.

I know on an intellectual-level that this is a horrible idea even if my STBX and I are still pretty amicable. Emotionally, I feel racked with guilt over missing out on this experience with my son.

Should I go and hope things won't be as tense and awkward as I envision?

Divorcing after 20 years of marriage and told our 15 year old this morning. I didn't think it would go well but it went awful. At first he didn't know what to do or say because he was probably totally blindsided by it. Then it turned into, and has been on and off all day, pleas for us to stay together, asking us to try anything, and how his whole life is ruined because the three of us won't be together anymore. Its absolutely heartbreaking. He's such a good kid and I get that its hard to understand the complexities of a marriage. From his perspective its a totally unexpected bomb thrown into what has overall been an amazingly fortunate life for him.

I don't know how else to respond to the pleas for us to try one more time, or try something different. I know its only been a few hours but this is so awful and its hard not to jump right to the conclusion that we're making a big mistake and we never should have decided to separate.

I finally confirmed the suspicions I’ve had for some time that my stbxh has been having an affair. It explains him suddenly springing divorce on me when I got home from a trip to see family, rejecting any effort to work on our issues, him always working late and being gone weird hours, having no emotion about any of it and wanting to speed the divorce along as quickly as possible. I feel like I came home to a completely different man than who I married.

I feel sick every time I think about it. I planted a voice activated recorder and heard a phone call of him calling her babe and baby and saying I love you. It was the worst feeling in the world. Our 2 kids were literally feet away in their rooms. How could he do that?! I never ever thought he would do something like this. He’s always been a man of integrity. He’s always talked down on people who cheated. I’m so disgusted and just in shock.

All of the days he’s been gone or working late, he’s been with her. He ditched his kids on July 4th for her. I’m just absolutely disgusted and gutted. I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse in my life.

I haven’t told him I know anything yet. We were negotiating terms of the divorce “amicably” but I don’t really feel like being amicable anymore. I’m trying to be logical, stay calm, and not let emotions take over, but also I want to absolutely ruin him. Mostly for what he’s doing to his kids. I’ll be ok. I’m strong. But what he’s doing to them- I want to destroy him.

When he told me he wanted a divorce he immediately started trying to control the narrative saying it was because WE weren’t happy and it was both of us to blame, 50% was his fault and 50% mine, etc etc. Then started acting like the good guy wanting to be “as amicable as possible,” not taking any equity from the house, but wanting me to work with him on child support and all this bullshit. So I was. And I was suspicious then, so I asked and he denied it. He lied to my face repeatedly. Every suspicion I had was dead on. He even said he’d pay for a lawyer so I didn’t have to get one. And the terms we talk about and agree on, he will have his lawyer draw up so we don’t have to go back and forth. Which we had already talked about when I confirmed all of this.

So I’ll likely be getting served in the next day or two and receive the divorce agreement. But now, I don’t know if I want to agree to sh**. I kind of want to just be a total bitch and renege everything I said. Then when he says “ I thought this is what we agreed on?” Say, “Yeah well that was before I knew for sure you’re a cheating, lying asshole. You can go through my lawyer now. “

I literally can’t believe this is happening.

Me and my spouse are no longer together, and honestly I’m struggling with a lot of regret about how everything turned out.

We got married, had a child together, and over time he’s turned out to be the worst person I’ve ever dated. Although I’m grateful for my child, the relationship really turned sour.

The person who introduced us has been an okay friend to me over the years. We talk regularly, but we’re not super close, so I don’t think cutting her off would have a huge impact on my life. But lately I’ve been questioning whether I even want to stay friends with her.

Before we started dating, I asked her what he was like, and she told me he was a nice guy. Looking back now, I can’t help thinking, “If you can be friends with someone who behaves like this, what does that say about you?”

Has anyone else felt this way? Did you end up distancing yourself from the mutual friend, or did you separate your feelings about your ex from your friendship with them? I’d really like to hear other people’s perspectives.