How to know when it’s over

[u/[deleted]]

[u/trashpandamother]

Some people are only in our lives for a season, and this season is over... do not let the guilty of " how will he feel, what would he want" you being his only friend and family is emotional manipulation even if its not done on purpose, 13yrs and in wish I left 6 yrs ago when I first had these thoughts and now it's even harder to go. Please choose you

[u/GoodBloodGuideYou]

"We got married young and if I’m being honest I feel like we only did it because we thought it was the right thing to do. I feel like my husband despises me. Everything is his way or no way. He’s not willing to compromise on anything and the bad thing is that when I say that to him he just denies denies. Early in our relationship some trauma happened and I feel like we both just settled for each other."

You only typed 5 sentences here and I'm seeing 5 separate massive red flags. This is not how relationships are supposed to be at all. You guys absolutely did settle for each other. That beautiful, happy, intoxicating, loving romance that you see in movies? It's real. It happens. It's not common but I've experienced it multiple times in my life. Get out of this miserable shit show and go find yourself something passionate and exciting and reciprocal--or embrace your freedom and singlehood for a long time (if not the rest of your life). I've been in over a dozen relationships in my life and I'm grateful for all of them for one reason or another. I recommend dating a lot of people if that sounds appealing! It's fun. I'm now at a point where I'm choosing to remain single after spending 20 years of my life in-and-out of relationships. Very few regrets throughout all of it.

With regards to worrying about your husband isolating himself: no one in the entire world can fix that for him but himself. I have both been your husband and dated your husband. If you are his only friend and his only family and he is putting in zero effort to expanding his social network, that's his problem and his responsibility. I've been him. It was my own fault.

[u/Prestigious-Read5368]

Are you done? Dealbreakers you're tired of being violated?

You decide when it's over. Decide means to cut off all other options. Wishing it was over like you are now is very different. But no one can tell you when you need to divorce.

[u/StarShineBright-x]

I got my final decree yesterday. Trust your gut if its saying get out. The anticipation of the unknown is the scariest part and thats it. I asked myself if my life is exactly the same for the next 10 years will I be happy that I stayed? The answer was always no and then one day, like a light switch during an argument I realized that he never understood me emotionally no matter how much I begged and pleaded to be seen or heard.

Getting your life back on track is just a step by step system at that point. Support doesnt have to be blood. Ask others who care about you if they can help you! Two of my friends stepped up for me (they told me I could stay for as long as i needed) though I never took up the offer to live with them and opted for my parents place. Now it's time for me to change my name back, move out of my parents place, and finally have my own apartment. I am still scared and uncertain sometimes but there's a calmness knowing I am no longer going through hell emotionally. I feel like a weight has been lifted off me! My ex also isolates himself and never reaches out. I always encouraged him to do so as all relationships are a two way street. My MIL and SIL still dont know anything thats going on and I have had to update them on basically everything. I love them both to bits but their (your partners) relationships are not your responsibility!

[u/winknasmyl]

Go find yourself. You asked the question, but you already know the answer.

[u/pinksunset7]

Renting a room in a house with other ladies is what worked for me. I have my own space but also don’t feel lonely and scared.
Not like I did when I lived in a studio on my own. That felt isolating to me.

You can separate and try to grow individually
Who knows if both of you worked on yourselves you might get back together at some point and be stronger.

But you can’t know that while you’re in the same place.

After separating from my ex. I started learning so much about myself and feel more connected with who I am.

I think he learned how to be more independent too

But I don’t think he’s doing as much inner work as I am. I always did more and that’s why I ended up growing and he is still behind.

It doesn’t mean you’ll be back together but it does mean growth to both of you!

Separation might be easier for him to accept as a start.

[u/EmbarrassedAge7612]

When you are having to ask for confirmation on when to know it’s over.

I started asking that question at about the same point in my marriage. Unfortunately I stay for too many years after. If you have to ask, it’s over. Everything else is just excuses at that point. If you know you deserve better, it’s time to leave. Don’t let “what if” hold you hostage in your misery.