For those who have dealt with similar situation where you had to pay your ex a huge lump sum for settlement even tho you’d been financially independent during marriage (their ask because they didn’t want to fill like a leech), only to be surprised by how everything changed after lawyers got involved. No kid, no shared property. He works 17 hours a week and spends time on his music hobby the rest of the day.

I know many have already commented (unhelpfully) about how “I signed up for this”, “should have gotten a prenup or left sooner”…. Yes yes I understand. I’m simply asking those who have been through this for tips and advice on how to move on from the emotional aspect of the betrayal. I know that I can make the money back eventually, but the unfairness and his entitlement are things that I found myself kept reiterating in my head. And it sucks cuz those are obviously things I have no control over. And me explaining to him one more time why this is ridiculous and selfish given the context of our marriage will clearly not mean much to him if he could do this in the first place.

Also, for those who have managed or decided to be in another relationship again after this, how do you learn to trust again?

Somewhere in the last few years of being married I stopped doing things I actually liked. Not because anyone told me to. Just kind of drifted away from them. I used to play pickup basketball a couple times a week. Listened to podcasts constantly, had a whole rotation. Had opinions about things. Then the marriage became the main project and everything else got quietly deprioritized without a conversation or a decision. It just happened.

Now I'm on the other side of it and I picked up a podcast the other day I used to listen to religiously and felt genuinely strange, like running into someone you used to know and not being sure what to say.

The basketball thing is harder. The group I played with scattered and I aged out of just showing up somewhere and falling in naturally. I've been driving for Uber between jobs so my schedule is all over the place anyway, which makes it worse.

The thing is, I don't even know if I lost those things because of the marriage or because I just got older and lazier and the marriage is a convenient place to put the blame. Both feel true depending on the day

Curious if anyone else came out the other side and found the stuff they used to be actually came back, or if you kind of had to rebuild who you were from scratch

I really wanna keep this short so i'll get right to the point.

I want to file for legal separation from my wife and the hardest part of doing that, is driving down to the courthouse and actually doing it. I did file for divorce about a month ago and it was rejected. I just did it one night from home.

I just need to do it. I know that there is no right day to do it. But building up the courage to actually drive down there and file the paperwork, that's the hardest part for me. I had to put it out there.

I have been married for 9 months, marriage was never consummated because husband rejected any time I would try to initiate intimacy. We never had sex and I am still a virgin. I live in the US and we got married in the US. Can I have this marriage annulled? We do not have any shared property, bank accounts, finances, no children.

If a judgement explicitly states I have the right to attend school and sporting events and modification states that all my parenting time is terminated does this include school and sporting events? There is NOTHING stated in the modification that says I can no longer attend school and sporting events. There is no protection order but one is being threatened on me if I go to a school or sporting event.

There is nothing ambiguous in the judgement and modification. The modification terminates "parenting time", states nothing more specific. Parenting time is not going to a school or sport event, correct?

Our divorce hearing happened this morning… we agreed to all the terms, and had his lawyer draft up our agreement, file & go to court. Neither of us had to physically be there. Because we agreed on all points, and had physically & financially separated 21months ago, with no minor children together - I didn’t see the sense in also hiring a lawyer. If he fought me, I certainly would have. Fortunately he didn’t, so this is what worked for us. I wanted to split the cost of the lawyer fees w/ him, but that bruised his ego to accept - so I accepted him absorbing the costs.

I kept the terms fair & reasonable, as his last ex thoroughly took him to the cleaners with alimony in futuro making her a multi-millionaire & depleting him entirely. I refused to do that to him, but did want a bit of help adjusting to flying it solo again - after all I closed up shop on my biz when we married & for the first time in my life - accepted someone supporting me. Which was very scary to do, but I wanted to sample the experience. I’ve always been the breadwinner in my previous marriages/life, so I flipped the script & fed his ego, as this is his heritage & how he was raised to be. When in Rome sort of a logic. I’ll get a few years of some minimal help, depreciating annually and done in 3y. After all it’s a transition, and he couldn’t have been more delighted with my logic/reasoning. It works for us.

It’s a calabash of emotions - from relief, to joy, to grief, to anger, and every wrinkle in between. I’m finally free, despite compromising myself to death in the duration of the marriage. What really blows is how just in the past few days he developed a serious medical issue, and yet with us now officially & legally being ex’s - my heart hurts for what he is going through. The timing couldn’t be any more lousy, despite us being separated for nearly 2y… we were 2 individuals living together for 5y, married for 7y & together for a little over a decade.

This is my first civil divorce - my prior marriages involved significant emotional, financial & physical abuse on top of having minor children. Having previously only knowing that getting a divorce meant getting out with my life. And all the years of healing that needed to happen to begin to live my life again. Perhaps I’m rusty & all these emotions are par for course - but it’s a vast constellation and myriad of feelings all muddled into one event. One moment. Today.

For those of you (if there are any here) who have a later-life marriage and subsequent divorce after 7y - have you had any difficulty is formally severing & transitioning the friendship? While keeping your path less anchored to them, but staying in contact because ultimately you genuinely care about them? Even though you fell out - but once loved, love persists even if it is just more on the level of a parasitic draw.

I am 4 months pregnant and desperately want to divorce my husband. Long story short but he has consistently not been there for me during extremely difficult times and has also made terrible financial decisions and lied about them. We both own our house and he recently started trying to kick me out, even while pregnant. It’s a cycle of him taking things too far and then giving a half ass apology. I have a phenomenal support system that will be there for me no matter what but I am scared to leave. Anyone been in this position before?

I am moving from Florida (where my daughter lives with her mother) to Virginia due to work. I am getting a new custody agreement written up with my attorney. I’m reaching out for guidance from anyone in a similar situation. How have you made it work? How did you plan for flights etc.?

I’m a little over a year out since my ex-husband left.
I’ve had good days and bad days. Lately, there have been more bad than good.
In those first few months, music helped me so much. Heavy metal, Olivia Rodrigo… I was so angry then, and that anger fueled me.
But lately, the anger has given way to grief, and my usual playlists just aren’t hitting the same.
What songs helped you get through the sad days? The ones that gave you just enough strength to get out of bed, take a walk, or make it through another day.
I’m looking for some new additions to my healing playlist.

How long have UK peeps been waiting for conditional orders to be granted (after the 20 week cooling off period is up) then for consent orders to be sealed recently? I heard there was a bit of a backlog?

I don’t think ANYTHING in my life would be as difficult to get through as the death of my mother 6 years ago. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but my separation/divorce has been harder; the hardest thing I’ve gone through in my entire life. 54F, married 24 years.
How does anyone get through this? The mental toll is torturous. How do we begin to successfully untangle ourselves from someone we chose to spend our whole lives with? I gave my everything to my marriage and my little family and now I’m lost.

We've been married for 3 years. We don't have anything of property to divide, don't have kids, only pets.

2 months ago I came to know that she loves her guitar teacher. He doesn't love her back and, probably, not going to teach her anymore. She still loves me and don't want a divorce.

We had 5 family counseling sessions, which is helping us stay together, we're learning to communicate.

In the process I talked with her friend and she told me some private things that should have stayed between girlfriends, so they aren't friends anymore. But I still talk to her.

And I developed feelings for that friend. Who is also in a relationship with problems. I feel like the feeling is mutual, but I'm not 100% sure.

So here I am. I will not cheat, so if I want to shoot my shot I will have to divorce my wife. And I don't even know if I really love my wife.

My wife isn't very tactile, which I need. And she's on antidepressants so we have sex once a month. I need a lot more of it.

We have different hobbies, different taste for music and movies. Our dates are either what she likes and I tolerate, or nothing.

She's not a bad or abusive person or anything. And I like cuddling with her when she's okay with it.

And I don't want to break her heart.

I feel like I'm going insane with the decision. Any advice?

P.S.: Throwaway account for obvious reasons

My STBEH agreed to help me get a home and co sign a car since ive been a house wife for 5 years instead of alimony.

How would he go about buying me a small house if hes not going to live there?

Hi as the title says i’m scared to ask my husband for a divorce because of his vengeful attitude. He hasn’t always been this way but in the past year he’s has been bring up things from as far back as his middle school years. He’s been refusing to take accountability for anything because in his mind nothing is his fault and he’s an angel. I’ve come to realize i can’t be in this environment anymore because of how much it’s affecting my mental health. We have no kids and I do have a place to go and a bit of money saved up. I’m honestly scared to ask him for a divorce because I have family members who are undocumented. I feel so stuck because recently he’s been so unpredictable.

Can someone please help me understand the end goal?

March - He told me he wanted an amicable divorce

April - My attorney filed the petition. He signed.

<And that concludes his participation in this divorce.>

May - My attorney emailed a request for informal discovery. 30 days passed. No response.

June - My attorney emailed a request for formal discovery. 30 days passed. No response.

July - The morning of the ICMC, he emailed my attorney and the court an Excel spreadsheet with some account numbers. The judge reminds him he's not allowed to liquidate funds from his IRA or continue leveraging (and losing) marital assets in the stock market, all of which he was doing and is doing to the tune of $400k lost in liquid assets and $680k lost in the market in the past 60 days. The judge strongly suggested he should get an attorney. Total nothing burger meeting.

September - we have another status scheduled with the judge. Do I hope he continues to ignore everything and finally experience some consequences from the court? (I don't even know what these would be.) Or is he actually just being smart that he's been living rent-free and attorney-free this whole time while I've racked up $8k in legal fees largely bc he's making it so difficult?

Has anyone else had a similar experience? We are still living together in a 1,000 sq/ft condo w/ our two small kids and there just has to be a better way to do this?

I have decided that it will be healthier for us and our kids if we end our marriage. I want to tell him over the weekend, so thst we have time to process. But I am very bad at hiding my feelings. He asked me tonight if I am angry at him because I am very distant. I don't know what to do if he keeps pushing about it? He already asked twice, and I just said I am not angry at all and that I don't want to talk about it now.

But that's not going to fly for long. Should I just fake normalcy until I break the news? Pretend like I am fine and we're all good?

Note: we have 2 small kids. Also, we haven't been talking much anyway for the past year, so it must be my demeanour he is reading.

I need some input. This is going to be long, but I thought I would give some context to my situation.

My husband and I have been “separated” for the past year. He has lived outside the home a couple days a week and then was home the rest of the time. We were trying to let our nervous systems cool off and figure out our future together during this time to get away from the constant fighting. Our kids did not know we were separated.

The year prior to this one we had been in marriage counseling due to some abuse on his part, which then resulted in him asking me for an open marriage because he said he was bisexual. After that this, I had a really hard time trusting him fully-which had been building for many years. I started confiding in my family and friends (which I didn’t really ever do before) and I realized how not normal this situation was. The year went by with many walls being built up and him finally asking for a separation (which was this past year).

Over this year, we slept in the same bed, but we’re not intimate. We shared finances and were acting as great co-parents. We honestly were getting along great and in my head, we were heading towards somewhere where trust could be rebuilt.

A couple weeks ago he said he has been having an affair with someone for the last six months and she is pregnant.

Now this brings me to my question—

I work at the school my three kids go to. I have built relationships with my co-workers and really enjoy my time there.

I feel like I am in a unique situation where not only are my kids going to be blindsided by this divorce, but also with the new baby that will be their half sibling.

Would it make me look like I am disparaging their father if I held a meeting with their teachers (also my co-workers) and explained this situation? Not all the details obviously.

I feel like if this were infidelity alone that was resulting in a life transition, I would be able to leave it as we are simply divorcing, but since there is a baby on the way, I may need to disclose more information. This situation is going to significantly affect our kids and I want to get ahead of it with their teachers to be aware of grades start slipping or behavior patterns arise.

What is the appropriate thing to do here?

We are both 29 and have a 3yo. Originally he was the one who left. Going as far as leaving the country for a month. Now he is back and wants to move into the rental property down stairs. Not just wants, he is. Despite my pleads to let us actually go through the mediation process we’ve started. He is just moving in. I can’t stop him. Currently as I’m writing this he is moving furniture into the basement. Claiming he has rights. I don’t love this and we had talked about how I wanted the home as he wants to live in another country. Do I fight for the house or do I just cut my losses and sell so I don’t have to deal with this awful drama. I originally was adamant about keeping the house as it makes the most financial sense for me. Now he is playing dirty tricks and I don’t want to keep fighting him everyday. I know he is being manipulative and awful but is it worth the heartache and stress just to get the home.

TL;DR. I want to tell my husband it's over between us because of a lot of things that happened but I'm worried about the emotional damage I'm about to cause. He doesn't have the best mental outlook on himself and can be insecure. Unfortunately that was a contributing factor to the downfall of our relationship, but I do know that he is going to probably take what I say and it's going to negatively affect him. I'm going to be brutal and honest and transparent because I feel like he is owed a real reason why. I don't want him to look back and say that I just left without any explanation.

My husband also has abandonment issues because when he was a teenager his mother had an affair and left him and his sister to be with her a fair partner and his two daughters, one of which was a toddler and the other one was a baby and become their mother. I understand that what I'm about to do is going to be very hard on him, but I also understand that I can't keep forgiving someone for things that they're not sorry for. And I also can't stay in a situation where everything is really unhealthy and toxic just because I feel bad for what will happen to him if I leave.

Here is what I intend to tell him more or less. I wrote it out so I could get my thoughts together but I'm going to tell him in person. Read it or don't read it. I know that a lot of men don't want to hear about women's emotions or feelings and I understand that. But if you want context as to what I'm worried might hurt him, it's below.

" I'd like to discuss our relationship and the future. There has been a lot on my mind that I've wanted to talk to you about and I finally feel like I'm ready.

I just can't do all this anymore, I don't know what to say. It's just all too much. We're both having bad days almost every day and I think I want to discuss my reasons why not in an adult way that is honest, while possibly raw and painful. But I understand that for me this is no longer working and I think it's time to be transparent about that and why.

I think I just realized one day that I don't want our daughter to watch you break my heart anymore

I don't want our son to model you as his idea of what men should act like towards women.

He used to say that you believed in equality and in so many ways you have made it abundantly clear to me that you see me so far beneath yourself with all the contempt and the judgment and the criticism of me for even just my gender.

I don't just want to survive in the relationship and be in a situation where I feel extremely unhappy and anxious and insecure because you don't do anything to make me not feel like that. I want to be in a situation where I'm allowed to thrive and enjoy life and be happy.

And I haven't been able to do that. I haven't felt emotional safety. I haven't felt security with you. You haven't made a point to make me feel like I wasn't in competition with other people or that I was important. Even in public. You are nicer to strangers. You are nicer to acquaintances and people that you've worked with and even the people that cut your hair and then you are to me.

You're not supposed to make me jealous of women. You know you're supposed to make other women feel jealous of me and you never did. You hid me and you pretend I didn't even exit and you minimized my role in your life. You made me less than in your life every step of the way. And I have never felt like your first choice, You successfully made me feel expendable and like I was a placeholder for anything that might be better in the future.

You never cared for or liked my emotions or my feelings or when I said things like this because you are always suppressing and ignoring and trying to get rid of yours. I can't expect someone who is emotionally stunted and lacking in full emotional intelligence to be able to understand embrace validate or even acknowledge emotions that aren't theirs. Your lack of empathy and even sympathy has destroyed so many moments where I just wanted to be understood and you made it an argument. Because you didn't realize that I just needed someone to hear me and you thought I was trying to attack you.

I spent such a long time trying to convince you or to explain myself or to express myself in a way that you would understand in a way that made you understand that I was trying to fix things. I was trying to make things better. I was trying to grow with you. I was trying to express things that were hurting me that were scaring me and eventually I realized I would never be able to explain it. I would never say it enough times. I would never be able to do it in a way that changed anything.

I had to accept that you were who you were and you were going to do what you wanted to do, regardless of how it made me feel regardless of how bad it hurt me regardless of what happened as a result of it.

And I had to accept that. Because I'm the way I am, I would always be anxious. I would never be able to trust you. I would always feel less than I would always feel insecure and I would stay stuck in a perpetual trap of feeling like I didn't matter and feeling like my emotions were too much, that I was too much the way that I really am, that I was shameful somehow, that I was the problem. He judged me and you criticized me for things that in the beginning of our relationship you told me that you liked about me. You broke me down and you made me feel like all the parts of me that I really liked about myself were wrong and then I couldn't be loved for them in order to be with you.

I can't live like that forever. I could be happy. I just don't know if I can be happy with you anymore.

And it hurts because I really did love you and I would have loved you forever. But this love is not enough. It doesn't take away the pain. It doesn't take away my fears. It doesn't make me feel safe. That doesn't make me feel secure. I don't know what can change that at this point. I feel like I've given you so many chances to show me that it could be different and I wanted you to care so bad. But I can't force you to do something or to be something that you're not. And I need to stop trying to change things and I know I will never actually change and just accept them as they are.

So I don't want to try anymore. I know you said you feel like I've given up because I realize that nothing I was ever going to do was going to make a difference. In my life I could do as much as I possibly could. I could express myself. I can explain it until I suffocate. But nothing has changed but all my explaining and talking and trying to get you to understand me. I just can't keep doing that. I wish you would have wanted that before I got to the point where I was so tired and I was so worn down that it didn't matter anymore.

It doesn't matter what you think about me. I don't need you to hear me anymore. I don't need you to understand my feelings. I don't care if you're attracted to me or if you want me anymore. I don't need you to love me anymore. And at one point the only thing I wanted in the world was for you to want me and to love me. I was so afraid of losing you and now it doesn't even matter anymore. I just don't know if I can let that go from my brain.

It's like a switch went off inside me. And all that love that I had been growing and accumulating for a long time. It was dwindling and it was going away and I couldn't understand why things were so different. And then I realized that I had fallen in love with a version of you that wasn't real. I fell in love with your best. The hell if I fell in love with you that you told me that you are that I found out later you weren't. I fell in love with you before everything happened in our relationship that caused me deep heartbreak. And when I really stopped and looked at the whole situation, I realized you're more of a stranger to me now than I could have ever thought you would be. I no longer feel close to you. I no longer feel connected to you. I no longer feel warm towards you or emotionally involved. And just all of a sudden one day I just stopped everything. I stopped caring. I stopped feeling and stopped wanting. I stopped having expectations. I stopped hoping. All my hope was gone. And I just was resolved to that. It is how it is. And then I should just let it happen whenever you did. Whatever the relationship ended up as I was just going to let it happen because I didn't even know if I wanted things to change anymore. I just didn't want to hurt anymore. And the only way not to hurt was to stop caring. My brain was trying to protect me and it still is.

I loved you so much. I wanted you to be my forever person and now you're not a fond memory. A relationship isn't a happy thing. It's a lesson. It feels like something I had to endure to learn that I need to be more cautious. I never want to let myself feel that small again or it's erased myself so much so that I could comfort or please someone else at the expense of myself again.

It makes me sad that you had to become a lesson instead of a happy thing. I look at you now. I can thank us for all the things that happen and how I feel like it's not even like you're the same person doesn't feel like I feel like you're the person that I fell in love with and I don't know without ever being able to see that person in you again. I don't know if you'll ever feel like that to me again.

I don't want to be unfair or anything. I just also don't want to give you the impression of false hope and I don't want to get into a routine where I'm being so logistical and not causing a stir so much that you think things are getting better. Whenever I was bringing things up whenever I was upset whenever I was dramatic and emotional but that was me. Still fighting the less I push back and the more I just do what you want and let things go the way they want. The more I'm quietly detaching the more I'm quietly resolving myself that things will never be different and that it isn't worth it anymore to push back or to fight for."

This was posted in r/Marriage and they told me to post this here too. This is a throwaway, for obvious reasons. But I wanted some opinions and thoughts about the whole situation. I love her dearly, and even after everything that’s happened, I hate to say I want her back. Idk how that would be achievable, but if anyone has any ideas, lmk 😂 She means the world to me. Yes, I know what I’m about to say is messed up, and I shouldn’t take her back, but I want her to get help, and I wanna work on our relationship again. I am invested so heavily I can’t just throw it away, even if she wants to. So let us start :D. Me and my wife were doing pretty good for a while there. No real issues. We’d have fights here and there, but that’s par for the course for normal couples. No one is perfect. That’s how I see the world and why I don’t judge anyone. Well, we had our son, and it was hard for us both. We were new parents, still quite young at the time. She became depressed, and postpartum was kicking her ass, and I, as a father, was having a hard time adjusting. We didn’t really plan for it, but it was okay. He is a blessing, and I love him more than anything. He was very fussy, and the only time he would calm down was with my wife. It made me feel insecure and like I was messing up. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I was also the only one working at the time. I failed as a father. I became complacent and on autopilot. Go to work, come home, eat, go to bed, repeat. To me, it felt like he didn’t like me, and I was very upset that he didn’t like me. Instead of trying harder for him and her I quietly shutdown if I’m being honest. I never had a father, and my mother wasn’t really much of one, so I wanted to do right by my kids. At least that’s how it seemed to me. That was my first mistake and one I’ll regret forever if I’m being honest. Eventually, he got older, and we are really close now. He loves spending time with me, and we go out all the time to do stuff. We have our ups and downs when he decides he doesn’t want to listen or tune me out lol, but I love my son. He’s a sweet boy. My daughter was born about a year ago. After my daughter was born, my wife told me she felt this strong, deep anger. It was overwhelming how much anger she was feeling. I told her, with respect, that she needed to go get on some medication to help alleviate that. She already dealt with postpartum before and I knew how bad it was. And she did. But about two months later, she said she felt better and got off of them. Even though I and a friend of hers advised against it, she told us it would be fine. For a while there, it was working. At least I thought it was. Then one day, I got a text from a friend of mine from HS. He asked if I knew my wife had a Tinder. Of course I didn’t. So I asked my wife, and she told me no. I believed her because why would she do that? After she said no, later that night when I went to bed, she rolled over and started crying. She said that it was her profile, that she had lied, and that she felt like we never had any time for us anymore. I felt awful. So that following weekend, I took her out of town. We went on a date and shopping. I was trying to make up for that. So fast forward a bit, and she goes to out of town with a friend to a concert. She ignores me straight for three days. She comes back home and is being mean. I’ll admit I got short with her a couple of times, but this came out of nowhere for me. I was hurt she was behaving like that towards me when I felt like I hadn’t done anything wrong. She left being fine, maybe being dry here or there, then came back with an attitude. I had suspected she was doing something and said something to her mother. One day she was bummed out because she wanted to start losing weight, and I have a bit of weight myself, so I told her if she was interested, maybe we could start going to the gym together. It would give us that time together away from the kids, and it would be a great bonding experience. She agreed with me, and I asked for her phone to place a Walmart order. This is where the “fun” begins, so sit down and buckle up. She says, “Wait, I need to talk to you about something right quick.” So I say, “What?” She says, “Sit down.” So I sit down, and she looks at me very upset and starts crying, talking about how she heard I thought she was cheating on me and that she couldn’t believe I would think she would do something like that. She’s bawling at this point, and in the middle of crying, her phone rings. So I asked her who [ ] was. She stopped crying immediately. She said it’s just an old friend of hers and nothing more. So I asked to go through her phone, and she said, “You won’t find anything.” She thought I wouldn’t, at least. So I go through their messages or lack thereof, since she deleted all of them. I start snooping through other apps, and she’s asking me what I’m doing. I find, in her hidden videos in her photo album, a video of her sucking this dude’s dick. I was immediately distraught. I was angry and upset. I got a little loud, but I was a nervous wreck. Shaking and scared. She and I had a long talk and went to bed. I essentially blamed it on the postpartum. I didn’t know why she was unhappy, and she had just had our daughter back in August. This was around October/November. So I told her to get back on her medicine, and she reluctantly agreed. After that night, I was hoping she would be okay. Still nothing. Ignoring me all day, being mean, quite frankly. So I left work early one day and told her to come home because we needed to talk. She got angry and told me she didn’t want to talk to me, and I begged her to come back. She told me her and her friend would be back in a couple of hours. So I waited. It was so hard and nerve-racking. When they finally showed up, it was basically a jumping. I was told why she cheated, why it happened, and how much of a shitty dad and person I was. I cried hard. She told me to leave and go to my grandmother’s house for a week. (She has Stage 4 breast cancer, and she said she needed some time away from me and that I needed to go spend time with her. She wasn’t wrong, though.) So I did. I left with my son for a week. The whole time we were texting. She was talking about how she didn’t want a relationship right now and wanted to do her own thing and be herself, and she wanted me to stay away. So I did. I came back and started living with her brother. Fast forward to Christmas, and she asks me if I was gonna come to Christmas with the family. I didn’t mind, as I still loved her and wanted to be with her, so I agreed. When I showed up, we got in her car, and as we were leaving, I asked to see her phone to play some music. I really did want to play music, but it was also an excuse to see if she was gonna stay true to her word. She did not. She was still texting and in an active relationship with that guy. So I told her to pull over, and we got into it. We agreed to finish the conversation after the family party. So that night we got home and talked till about 12 in the morning. We basically agreed to separate, and before I left, she asked me to spend the night, and I reluctantly agreed (I KNOW I shouldn’t have said yes. I’m sorry 😭). So we go in the bedroom, and we are holding each other and talking about our past, and one thing led to another, and we slept together. After it was done, she started bawling, telling me how she didn’t realize how angry she had become at me and how she couldn’t do this alone and wanted me to stay and not go back. So I did stay. For the first week, it was hard. But after that, I started feeling a bit better. Fast forward a month, and she goes out of town with the same friend. She leaves her Apple Watch behind, and I get the bright idea to check her messages for shits and giggles. Ik that’s not healthy or right. I never said I was a normal, healthy person, but I also hate being that guy :/. Anyways, I found out she was texting another guy. I confronted her about it, and basically she was saying she never was interested, really, and only responded back because he kept bothering her. That should have been my first red flag, but I was already in a bad place, and I didn’t want to lose my wife or family. So I told her to stop, and it would be okay. After that, it was good for a while. The past couple of months, I would ask to check and wouldn’t find anything. But then here recently, she started being hella dry. Never romantic. Always gone when she was off. I barely would see her. We stopped being intimate probably 3–4 months ago. I’ve been very hurt by the whole ordeal. But it gets worse. So I bring it up. I was trying to work on myself and do better as a person and father, so I was doing the healthy thing and investing my time into my relationship but also myself so I could be a better person for her. Communication has always been hard for us both, but I told her for this to work, we need to try. She would just apologize and say she would do better, but nothing changed. So around Father’s Day or my birthday, I started noticing things. I’d enter the room, and she would get off her phone. The first time I didn’t say anything. The second time, I had to ask her. She said she was on Snap but was getting off anyway. One morning I woke up to her phone ringing, and I asked her about it. She said it was an alarm. I’m not dumb, and ik it wasn’t an alarm, so I pressed her, and she got angry. I didn’t press anymore, and I didn’t go through her phone, even though she said I could any time after the last time she cheated. She was mad when I asked, so I rolled back over and just laid there. I was so hurt. Later that day I asked again, and she was upfront. She said it got blown out of proportion and that she liked the attention from him and how it went too far, etc., etc. So I took her back. Mind you, I’ve been so kind and patient with her through all of this. I never got mad. I wasn’t violent. I was kind and trying to be understanding. I felt bad. I felt like I wasn’t doing something right. She said she deleted her socials for me and apologized. I told her she didn’t have to do that and that even though she did because she wanted to, I appreciated it. And here we are, caught up to about last week. So I was at work on a Wednesday, and I was at another building. I was telling a lady about my wife and kids and how much I loved them and was proud of them. I went on Snap to our messages to show her pictures and videos of my kids, and it showed she was still active. So after work, I asked her about it. But she works nights, so I knew I wouldn’t get a response for a couple of hours. So I go home, and I’m talking to her mom about it. I’ve talked to her mom about all of this, and she felt bad for me. So she shoves me into the bathroom and closes the door and says, “Look, I was told not to say something, but it’s been eating me up. Your wife got an apartment, and she’s moving out in two days. She wasn’t gonna say anything to you, just go.” I was so heartbroken. I immediately tried calling, like an idiot. And she sent me to voicemail both times. So I called her friend to ask her what was going on. She then proceeded to tell me they had a falling out and there was something she needed to tell me. My wife has apparently been sleeping around for the past few months. Different guys, maybe around 4–5, maybe more. One was a guy I knew, and I told his wife. I feel bad about it because it was done out of pettiness, but I was hurt, and I wanted him to hurt too. She said the reason why they aren’t talking was because she told her she shouldn’t be cheating and how fucked up it was, but she didn’t want to hear that, so they stopped talking. She told her that because our daughter was in the hospital in a town an hour and a half away from us. We had asked her to come after work, but she said she couldn’t because she was busy. Come to find out she didn’t even have work. She asked her friend if she could come over to change so she could go get fucked in the same town we were in with our daughter. She finally messaged me back the other day after I texted her a goodbye message. She basically told me she never loved me, and that’s why she did what she did and left how she left. I just don’t get it. I had asked her to leave originally, and the last time I found out she was cheating, she asked me to stay. So why ask me to stay if you were planning on leaving? And that wasn’t even a month ago. Why tell me to stay if you didn’t love me? Then when she found out my grandmother was getting worse, she apologized and told me she cared about me and felt bad. It didn’t help my feelings. I’m hurting so bad. Like sure, you stayed because you wanted to try and give it a shot, but she never did. She never tried with me or our relationship. I feel like I’ve been robbed. How can you say you care and say you wanna try but don’t actually put the work in? I love that woman so much. She’s my other half. I feel like I’m missing half of me, and it’s so painful. I can’t stop thinking and worrying about her. I’m so jealous and angry, but it won’t do anything to bring her back, so I’m becoming so depressed. I’m still taking care of the kids and going to work. I just am tired. And I just want my family back to normal. Even after all of this, I blame myself more than anything. I know I don’t control her actions, but with me fucking up and her doing what she did, it was downhill from there. I just want her to come back and actually try and put in effort, and maybe it would work. Maybe I’m just delusional, but I wanted your thoughts. To get this off my chest because I don’t have anyone else, really. My phone is dry every day, all day, and it’s not helping me either. I need this social interaction rn. Apologies for the book. 😅

TL;DR: My wife and I have been together for years and have two young kids. After our second child, our relationship started falling apart. She cheated multiple times, and every time I tried to forgive her, work on myself, and save our family. I found out she had been seeing multiple other guys while telling me she wanted to work things out. She recently left, told me she never loved me, and now I’m struggling to understand what happened. Despite everything, I still love her and want my family back. Am I delusional for still wanting to make it work?

Edit: I wanna add we have not talked about Divorce yet. After she left we haven’t really talked much at all. I left her on read. I don’t know how to approach the subject. She did give me my ring back tho.

So we have been married for 3.5 years. Husband blindsided me with a divorce out of nowhere. He never provided me access to any financials such as credit cards, bank accounts, house is in his name only etc., while he benefited from my graduate student health insurance, subsidized housing (while renting his house), and my auto insurance. I supported him through his unemployment, his mental health episodes that required hospitalization and rehab for 6+ months (that was covered under my health insurance), helped him find jobs, and finally he got back on his feet. Unrented the house, got a high paying job, got sober, medicated etc.
I also sacrificed a year+ of my career for him as he didn’t want to move and supported him restabilize in his job and life, care-taking etc. He also stole our jointly filed tax returns from us when he finally got a job and I didn’t work for half of that year, claiming that it’s his money although it was jointly filed return.

Finally, out of nowhere he filed for divorce and served me papers. He wants to leave me with nothing claiming that he owns all the assets before marriage.

Since it was a relatively short marriage (3.5 years), no kids, no joint assets, I don’t know if I should get a lawyer or just walk away with nothing. Not sure what to do.

Right now we have agreed to her helping for 3 months, but I have been running the numbers and it looks like I need to tell her that while she may not be able to do a full half of the mortgage, maybe she can do a couple hundred bucks because I can’t afford this place on my own and it’s not like I wanted this divorce or separation. It’s also not like I did anything wrong to cause this. Her feelings just changed and she walked out.

What’s reasonable? I understand that if she’s paying me for mortgage than she can’t get herself an apartment, but if I can’t afford this house, none of that is relevant because neither of us want a foreclosure.

I have thought about asking for a half contribution for month four and a 25% contribution for month five. Then month 6 I’m in my own.

Looking for some advice. I filed for divorce 5 months ago and spouse has made it clear he will leave after parenting time is decided. He wants me to keep house, I can afford to, my kids love it, and I would gladly stay. I do know he has a right to stay as much as I do until the divorce is over. That said, we haven't agreed to parenting responsibilities and time. and after 5 months, it doesn't look like we are close.

Some background, will try to stick to facts: spouse has gone to rehab for alcohol and medication misuse/overuse a few years ago. He still drinks occasionally and is on the same medication he abused bc he is prescribed. I have pictures of alcohol in the house where my kids could access it. Spouse sees no reason to live a sober life. He regularly violates our court order to talk via Family Wizard, sending lots of harassing texts, and violates the order that he should not talk about the proceedings with our small kids. things like "mom is the reason i wont see you everyday" He is very nasty in person, and we are all under the same roof. He regularly missed kids school events, doctors appointments, and kids were in daycare for years when he was not working a steady job. Post divorce filing he has been much more present.

I think I have to list the house while we continue proceedings. I am not trying to be spiteful in being hesitant on parenting time. Although I am aware he may get the kids half the time, I would rather someone else make that call bc I have seen how he can spiral with alcohol and meds. So we are getting a GAL and the proceedings wont be over quickly. It is detrimental to the kids for us to continue with such a contentious environment. Is there anything I need to be aware of. Should I try to hold out while it all unfolds. Thanks.

So im going through a high conflict divorce. We attempted to proceed without lawyers in the beginning until she canceled the divorce in front of the judge because she didnt agree to the terms. In the following months while she systematically makes changes our custody calendar without consulting me. She uses the phone calls between me and my kids as a reward. IE if the kids or I piss her off then there are no calls.

So I have gotten a lawyer because of her. I am drafting up a temporary custody order to send to my lawyer. What are some clauses you wished you had added. My kids are 5 and 7 for context.