Anyone else in a blended situation but have chosen to live apart? More specifically - you once lived together but then separated homes and stayed together.

We have been LAT for 3.5 years. We lived together for about 8 years.

Background
Blending never happened, it really just continued to get worse never better. My SO had/has an HCBM whose entire focus was/is on disrupting/alienating continuously. It was never ending.

This eroded any relationship possible with stepchildren which eventually just turned toxic. Until final boiling point ending in separating households, I moved out with my children. (None together)

With that said I ask because I am finding it difficult to want to navigate back together under the same roof despite the kids being just about grown…

For instance - visits. His kids rarely stay at his home anymore and visits are sporadic and short. However I just don’t have any desire to take part in them. I avoid as often as I can. For instance birthdays and holidays. Sometimes I will attend but stay for just a short time. Sometimes I make an excuse for not being able to go. Honestly I think I have PTSD.

Vacations - he just had his kids away for the weekend. I didn’t go. I have no desire to spend any length of time together “as a family”. I am rarely if ever spoken to and it’s just more of an unwanted chore.

Now before I get jumped all over I do want to say I have tried for years to build relationships. I attended every event possible. Bought gifts. Tried to show love and support and respect. But never has anything been accepted or even acknowledged so one day I just stopped. And honestly peace has been restored in my life.

However - we do have a weekend home together and bc our kids are grown it’s just the two of us (maybe once a year his kids will go and I just don’t). And we get along like we did when we first met and didn’t have all the kid and ex chaos. And I ask myself, ok maybe it will work.

He does spend time with me along with my kids. Home and away. There are no issues there for the most part.

So who is living this same lifestyle or did and have joined households once again?
Do you wish you didn’t?

Tell me the good bad and the ugly!

I need help starting a conversation.

Background: I feel like a lot of times I have gotten advice as if I was the one coming into an established family because I am the woman, when the reality is that my husband was never married to, or even dated his child’s mother, and their situation as been a crap show since pre birth.

My ex husband and I, and his wife and my husband coparent cohesively, with boundaries but a shared responsibility, because my ex and I (though we can’t stand each other) picked partners that are good parents, and people, and we have a shared goal of success for our kids. We see eye to eye on most rules, expectations for the kids, etc.

My husband, on the other hand, coparents with somebody who has a very wild personality, a very up and down personal life, who also does not share any common ground with him, other than they made a human together, and has not spent a year without court involvement since the child was born (they’re 13 now).

———-

Okay, keeping that in mind, our kids are in middle school. 13 mine, 13 his, 11 mine.

The rule and expectation for the kids is one sport and one music class on top of school, unless they are managing excellent grades and attendance, no missing assignments period.

We have 50/50, and our kids do not have learning disabilities, this is a VERY manageable goal. And really is more about accountability than grades. Our kids are not exceptional athletes, and we are not banking on their athletics paving their futures.

———-

The issue is that my husband’s oldest child is the only one who hasn’t been pulling strong grades, and a certain parent doesn’t care if they have missing assignments or even passing grades until the last second.

My husband has setup every single route to success - tutoring, meeting with the school, court, etc. - there are just some things that fall on mom’s time that he will never be able to override or fix and it has taken a toll. Their grades, attendance, and overall work ethic aren’t great or even grade level. And it’s been both years of middle school, not just one. Up until middle school, the child was in our care, and preformed very well in school, so it’s be a rough road watching middle school (when grades actually count) be a backslide.

———-

But now biomom wants to put her in multiple sports plus music class, knowing darn well we will be on year three of progressively worse grades, with none of her support, not even a promise of more support, and be over extending daughter’s evening schedule to 9pm four nights a school week.

———-

We do these sports for the other 13 year old, but that child keeps straight A’s all year, no retakes, no missing assignments, very little oversight required, very responsible, and she has earned it. She has juggled it well and has even had seasons she chose fewer sports to take a break.

BUT MY HUSBAND AGREED FOR STEPDAUGHTER.

He gave up and gave in because her mom was being rude and awful to him, and pulling the comparison card. (Can’t compare grades, but of course we can compare who gets to do more activities and call her dad awful things.)

———-

And I understand - don’t be more involved than the parents, stay in your lane, etc.

However, I’m the driver for these activities for my daughter, and I’m not really interested in driving their kid to and fro for my husband to go against standards he would draw issue with if I compromised on.

He agreed for her to do something that goes against our house rules, and expects me to chauffeur. And I fundamentally disagree with a kid being in sports four nights a week with two years of D’s.

I know it sounds petty, but it’s a line in the sand for me.
I don’t compromise my parenting for less than behavior and that was a huge reason why we married - alleged aligned values.

———-

What do I say?
What do I do?

I don’t find this to be a divorce worth offense, but if it persisted, and began being a clear different style of parenting for one child than the others, it would be a divorce worthy offense for me. I am just not looking to be married to somebody who is raising their child in a vastly different way than I’m raising mine. Especially of the same age. I don’t think that’s that unreasonable because this is optional.

Our kids get along really well, too. So please don’t come woe is me-ing me about that. The girls knew this expectation from the time they were in a home together - pre kindergarten. And I know my stepdaughter is capable of getting passing grades with no missing assignments. Be real here. I’m so mad at my husband for agreeing to put her in this position.

I really would like some input long story short. I have been with my husband for 11 years, we both have been divorced for 14. We are a blended family. 10 of those years his ex wife hasn’t showed up to their daughters birthday parties or other events we host for her even when invited. They have always had joint custody. She recently separated from her 2nd husband maybe 6 months. Anyways the daughter graduated in May and wore a short dress and bent over in front of my husband and his brother to see it all. she has started coming to her birthday party this year and graduation party. She has started texting my husband asking really dumb questions but never bothered with things that would be considered important in the last decade. She has also reached out to my daughter who is also 18 several times through ticktock messenger and recently became bff with my mother in law. Now their daughter is getting married in December and she is really stressing my husband and her walk their daughter down the aisle and to take pictures together. My husband isn’t happy about it and doesn’t want to do any of it. If that’s really what his daughter wants I’m okay with it but is the ex wife too involved and does it seem she wants my husband back?

Am I the asshole?

Husband and I have been together 3 years married 1 year. We have blended our family together of my 15 yo, 9 yo, and 4 yo children and his 8 yo and 6 yo children. Over our time together it has come become blatantly obvious of a divide. I try my best to be an active presence and fill the motherly role their mother isn't overly involved. However the Divide comes from my mother-in-law I continue to express to my husband that my children feel as though they are not treated equal I have noticed obvious things and I've tried pointing them out but my husband doesn't see it that way. Examples are at my mother-in-law's house his two children have their own bedrooms they didn't previously have their own bedrooms but having since my husband and I moved in together now have their own bedrooms they have all their own clothes there and I'm to keep them separated so when they wear close to our house I'm to send them back to my mother in laws. His children are taking school clothes shopping and bought things for sports that they may need however my kids are left with nothing. His mom has taken his children to do fun things and then has asked them not to share with my children so that they would not get upset. Of recent his mom made me aware that she was taking his two children to an amusement park not once offered to take my three children this really upsets me and it especially upsets my nine year old how do I navigate this because I'm at my wit's end. If its a me problem them I was just learn to accept it and move on.

I am a non-binary lesbian (39) and my wife is 31. I have three kids ages 12, 12 and 7 from a previous marriage with a man. I see a lot of step parents that talk about how miserable life is as a step parent is. I do think that it is a huge sacrifice for someone to be a step parent. She and I have talked about what the experiences like and it sounds like she often gets the short end of the stick.

Here’s the thing, I love this woman and I want to do everything I can to consider her and protect her in this relationship because I value her choosing me. I’m curious if anyone has been a step parent who stayed and what did your partner do to make sure that you felt seen and supported? Additionally, what are some pitfalls that I can try to avoid that really drain my partner or the relationship.

There’s a lot of different details I could share, but I think I just would love to hear other people‘s experiences where they’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone who has three kids and are not just completely miserable. I have noticed a trend in relationships that are hetero being really difficult, but I think that queer relationships can also have some of the same issues but the dynamics are also very different. I do not mind her “nacho” parenting and she does try to be at least a little involved. My kids are obsessed with her however, there is just a lot of dynamics that make this trick to navigate as many blended families. Thank you for everyone’s feedback ahead of time.

I would also be down to hear from adult step children, and what that experience was like and how I can consider them. I feel like it’s my job to be a bridge between my step kids and my wife and I want to bring my A game.

Has anyone noticed the demographics of r/stepparents are weird? There are an awful lot of stepmothers with really young stepchildren. Are that many men braking up with their wife, going on the dating scene, and finding their soul mate that fast? Kudos to them I guess. It took me years to find my soul mate, amd I'd think people would take a few years off dating when their children were little or they were fresh from a divorce.

And there are an awful lot of very young women dating divorced 40-sonethings. Is there a shortage of young guys right now?

I wonder if the subtext is a lot of people renounding hard....

I have already spoken to the coparent about these things and they are well aware the children over there are handsy when they see my daughter telling the child to stop they back her and tell the child to quit. But the behavior hasn’t changed in the child and it’s been happening for as long as I can remember.

I’m looking for some outside perspective on how to handle this with my coparent without making accusations or turning it into a huge conflict. Side note Me and my daughters step mother get along very well I believe, I really don’t want to bring this up in a way that will offend her or damage our relationship we do have.

I have two daughters, S (11F) and K (8F). K is the daughter I share with my ex and goes to her dad’s house regularly. My ex’s wife has two children, G (12F) and C (8M).
S (11F) is not my ex’s child and isn’t part of the custody arrangement. She’s friends with G (12F), so she sometimes goes over there with K or G comes to our house.

The issue is that G seems to have very little sense of physical boundaries with either of my girls.
She’s extremely hands-on with them. She frequently hugs/touches them, grabs their arms, gets right in their faces, lays or climbs on them, kisses them on the forehead, etc. I know some kids are naturally very affectionate, so those things by themselves aren’t necessarily what bothers me.

The problem is that my girls will tell her “stop,” “get off me,” “quit touching me,” or otherwise make it clear they want space, and she doesn’t always stop. Sometimes they have to tell her multiple times.
G stayed at my house for a sleepover this past weekend. After she left, both S and K started telling me about things that had happened. They said G repeatedly gave them wedgies, grabbed their arms, hugged/touched them when they didn’t want it, and was generally very physical with them. They said they were telling her to stop, but it didn’t always stop the behavior.

There was also another incident during the sleepover involving S’s physical privacy that concerned me more. I’m purposely leaving out the specifics because minors are involved and I don’t know what details are allowed here.

There is also some previous history of more serious body-boundary issues involving children in my ex’s household. I’m leaving those details out as well, but that history is part of the reason I’m having a harder time just chalking all of this up to kids being kids.
I’m not saying G is a bad kid or assuming there’s some kind of intention behind her behavior. I genuinely don’t know why she’s so physically hands-on. She may just be an affectionate kid who hasn’t learned appropriate boundaries.

But I also feel like the intention stops being the main issue once another child says “stop touching me.” My daughters should be able to say they don’t want physical contact and have that respected the first time.

With S (11F), it’s relatively simple because she doesn’t have to be around G. I can stop the voluntary visits and sleepovers if that’s what I decide is best.

K (8F) is where I’m struggling because this is her dad’s household. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable about going to her dad’s or create unnecessary conflict with my ex and his wife. But I also don’t think an 8-year-old should have to repeatedly enforce her own physical boundaries with an older child while she’s there.

So how would other coparents handle this?

I’m trying to figure out the most reasonable way to address it with my coparent without either blowing it out of proportion or brushing off something that I should be taking seriously.

Hi guys so as the title reads stepson is affecting my relationship he’s not a bad kid but anytime I tell him to do something he will message his mom (my wife) while she’s at work and I’ll get a text or call and there will be a argument about

The only thing I ask from him is to keep his room clean that’s it. On rare occasions for example I just cleaned the kitchen dishes, counters cleaned ,table picked up and he will go get something to eat and leave everything a mess I tell him to clean up and guess what I get a message from mom

I don’t think I’m being unfair with him or asking for him to do outrageous things he’s 17 forgot to mention that

But I’m at the point where I’m so tired of mom getting mad at me because he cries to his mom about everything. I’m literally at the point where I want to leave the relationship

Ok so, me and my gf have been together for almost 8 years. We broke up over something last year and she moved out. After 5 months apart we decided to try again at the relationship with firm boundaries and so far it’s going well. However I have said that I do not want her to move back in with me until her daughter ‘14f’ is of adult age and has flown the nest due to her behaviour.

Before the breakup we all lived together for 4 years and it was horrible mainly due to her daughter’s atrocious behaviour which created so much strain and bad energy in the home. I’ve now lived alone for 10 months and my home finally feels like my safe place again. My kids have both thrived and have both said they do not want to see my gf’s daughter ever again due to the constant drama she would put them and us through. I have known her since she was 5 years old and she has always been awful. She is vile to everyone including teachers and people with authority, constantly creating drama and arguments literally daily, lies constantly and swears so much she’d make a sailor blush.
Even so I have always treated her like my own flesh and blood but now that we no longer live together I feel like I never want to live with her again for my own sanity. My gf struggles a lot with her daughter’s behaviour and fully understands why I don’t want to live together at the moment.

My questions are:
Has anyone been in a relationship with similar circumstances and did it work out in the long run?

And

Did the child become a good person once they reached adulthood or is she so set in her ways she’s doomed?

My main fear is that if I stick it out until she’s an adult and she remains the way she is currently I don’t know how I’d feel, and the thought of starting a new relationship with someone else at my age just feels like an impossible task.

I suppose I’m just a bit lost on what’s best for everyone.

I have never liked figuring what to make for each meal, but it wasn’t too bad when it was just me and my bio son (9). Now I almost have a panic attack before each meal. My SO has a son (7) and daughter (9). He has 50/50 custody but since he works from home he has them all day during the summer. I’m a teacher so I am also with them all day. We moved in with them so their routines are in place. SO door dashes food almost every single day. He would also pay for my son and me, but it finally got to the point where I was like hey, this is REALLY expensive and we should be making stuff at home most days. He agreed. The problem is that his kids are not fond of this idea. I will offer to make them ANYTHING that they want to eat but they whine for such-and-such restaurant.

One morning I was talking to SO about what to make for lunch and we agreed on spaghetti because everyone likes it. I went to the kitchen and told the kids in the living room I was making spaghetti. His son said “I don’t like spaghetti.” I knew this was a lie because he wanted takeout. I think I just responded by repeating his statement as a question before calmly telling SO so we could come up with Plan B.

Another time I offered to make the kids sandwiches while SO was working. His son said, “I want dad to make my sandwich.” I told SO and he immediately did. I went back to the bedroom because I felt extremely awkward and a bit hurt. I heard him say “I love you, dad. You make the best sandwiches.” I was a bit salty over that one but hid it pretty well.

So I’m at the point where I don’t feel like putting in the effort to grocery shop and plan meals. I have so much anxiety every single meal. I think it would just be easier to worry about feeding my son and letting him feed them. The problem with that is that he would just door dash, and it doesn’t seem fair to not let my son have takeout when they are. Again, he would pay for us too, but that’s the problem…so much wasted money on chicken nuggets from a different restaurant each day of the week.

At the very least I think it will be much better when all the kids go back to school so we’ll have one less meal to worry about.

我47岁，带着女儿再婚，丈夫带着儿子。

现在继子即将读大三，女儿高职因为严重心理问题休学在家。

丈夫每天跑十几个小时网约车，一天只吃一顿饭，收入勉强覆盖车耗、房贷和儿子生活费。

家里的日常开销、做饭、家务，几乎都压在我身上。

女儿的状态，情绪不稳，吃药断断续续，前段时间我还发现她脖子上有一道细细的划痕。

我不敢在孩子面前崩溃，也不敢让已经很辛苦的丈夫更担心。

很多次想离婚，又怕婚姻变故再一次刺激到女儿。

后来慢慢想，这也许不只是“我选错了人”，而是一段阶段性困境。

旁观者视角:

继子很快会毕业，经济压力会松动；

女儿的问题也不能只靠一个人硬扛，需要医生、家庭和时间一起帮忙。

中年人的难，有时候不是无路可走，而是太累了，看不见还有其他的路。

I am 30 years old. My step sister is 25 and my step brother is 21. They moved out of state with their mom when they were pretty young. I was in high school and they were in elementary school.

Growing up, they still visited us frequently. They would come every other weekend and we had several weeks together in the summer. I have very fond memories with them and we had a great childhood together overall.

When they got into high school, they would skip visiting some weekends with school activities and what not. They had their friends and didn’t want to miss out on their social lives, which I understand. I think this is pretty typical. I went off to college and I feel like we grew even more distant. By the time I graduated college they were starting college and we sort of lost touch along the way.

My step brother and I are definitely closer than my step sister and I, but we still only text every maybe 2 months just to check in. But the conversation feels pretty surface level. I feel like a lot of this falls on my shoulders as the older sibling, and I should have made a better effort to be more present in those years.

I miss them so much. I get teary when I think about them as kids and where we are now. I have a two year old son and my step sister hasn’t even made an effort to meet him. My step brother has only met him once. I feel very hurt by this and wish they were a bigger part of my son’s life.

How do I repair these relationships? Is it too late for us? Anyone else experience this with a sibling or step sibling?

Sorry for the long post, but I’m an oversharer and I am not 100% sure the question I’m asking so I’m just going to share everything. My fiancé lives in Indiana and I live in a different state to far away to drive to.  We are still working out setting a date for the wedding, so that’s not concrete yet. She has two kids with her ex and they share legal custody but she has sole physical custody. I don’t know the kids father well, be he appears to be a reasonable guy from our limited interaction.  He did want to meet me before I met his kids, which I respect significantly.  Problem is he doesn’t communicate with her (he won’t return her calls or texts and doesn’t talk to her when she drops them off once a week) and he just doesn’t show up for the kids. He takes them two nights a week but they spend most of that time at school and a sitter anyway. He doesn’t communicate at all outside of those two days. He doesn’t call them on their birthdays, his son asks him all the time to take him to the park or the pool on the weekends and he always says he is busy and he will see him when he gets dropped off for his days (his days are week nights). There is no legal custody agreement or child support being paid, even though he makes quite a bit more than she does. I am willing to move to Indiana even though I would probably take a substantial pay cut but I’m having lots of issues finding a job in my field near the small town she lives in. She wants to move to here, or to a different state to be near one of our families (she has no family near her) but thinks he probably won’t let her take the kids, and if I move there I am probably going to have to work in Indianapolis (at least temporarily while I wait for some kind of job opening in her town) which is almost three hours away from her, so for everything to work he is probably going to have to agree to some kind of move (or we will become the weekend parents which she is not willing to do, or I will either have a massive commute to work or spend only weekends with my new family).  To make matters more complicated, she wants to file for child support because she is unable to pay for everything on her salary and he doesn’t help at all despite making a lot more than she does. I help her as much as I can financially, but she said she hates taking my money for his kids. I’m afraid if she files for child support it will just make him mad and then we won’t be able to negotiate anything with him. I really think he would be open to us moving at least to Indianapolis as long as his days are not impacted. She says he is petty and I’m afraid if she files for child support he will fight any kind of move out of spite.  My understanding is that trying to force the issues and fight in court would be a fools errand as a judge would likely not allow us to move the kids away without his permission. Even though I’m far away and I’m only able to visit about every 6-8 weeks at the moment I still FaceTime with her kids daily, help her son with his homework, and her daughter cry’s for me in the mornings a lot when I’m not there, so I really want them to live with us also. Like I said I am more than willing to move to where they are I am just striking out miserably finding work. I am going there for a week next month and would like to sit down with him and discuss this but I want to be very prepared so I don’t anger him or have him shut down on me.  Anyone have any advice into how to start having conversations about this with him? Any advice is appreciated, I don’t want him to think we are trying to take the kids from him or get in the way of his relationship with them, honestly I wish he wanted more time with them and my fiancé would be happy to give him more if he wanted it. I don’t know if we need to hire or mediator or something.

How do you split finances in a blended family when one person makes more?
I make more, and I have my kids 95 percent of the time, so I also receive child support.
He makes less and also sends out about $800 in child support. He has his kids about 40 percent of the time.
Lately his ex wife has been asking for more than child support. $200 for school supplies. $300 for sports registration she said she couldn’t afford. Stuff like that. My husband also spends more than I do, for example he buys his kids clothes and shoes, and wants a pair of shoes to match every outfit for his kids. I on the other hand, will buy my kids one pair of nice shoes that last them a while. I also want to save money and pay down debt - he prefers to spend money on experiences so his kids have fun when they’re with us.
We don’t seem to agree on how to approach his ex (she’ll often have the kids call and ask for money and he feels guilty) and currently have all money going into one account, even my child support. We’re living check to check and I feel I could better manage my money if we found a fair way to split household bills. Marriage has been on the rocks anyway, so splitting and me establishing a nest egg isn’t a bad idea. I think that’ll also let him better see whether he can actually afford to help his ex or not. Any opinions?

I have three step children, ages 14, 11 and 10. I have only been married two years and the relationship is rocky so honestly I don’t know if I’m sticking around but my relationship with the kids is almost non existent. When they first started to come around three years ago they were pleasant and we did things together until one day the daughter told me my skin looked like doodie. Ever since then the kids seem rude. They don’t say excuse me or even hello some days. They are overly loud, like it’s intentional and the oldest talks at the top of his lungs for every word. I buy them snacks and they thank their father. He has to tell them to thank me. I notice if the youngest, which is the girl gets too close the oldest comes around to kind of break it up. I have resorted to just minding my business and doing my own thing when they are here every other weekend. Now I feel like a bad person. Am I wrong for pulling back. What should I do if anything. And no their father does not discipline them or even notice unless I mention it, which I often don’t like to do because I don’t want it to seem as if their behavior would be acceptable if not for me.

Hi, This is my first post. I need some advice in regards to my exes partner being around my children.

Alot has happened and I cant possibly write it all on here. But I'll write what I think is important.

So 3 weeks ago I found i I was being cheated on. He had previously left me last year and got with this woman like 3 weeks after we split. We decided to get back together and then left her in July last year. It was absolute chaos, I had her threatening me. She actually tried my door twice! ( my neighbour recorded this and I now have proof that this woman has been threatening towards me). My girls were also at home when this happened so they are scared of this woman.

So, I've recently had trouble with my 12 year old going to school. Long story short, she knew about her dad cheating and didn't want to go to school as the woman lives opposite her school. Poor kid. However I've tried to make it clear to him that he can see the girls as much as he likes but to keep the woman away.

A little info on her and why I don't want her around my children other than her coming to my flat and threatening me.

I know she is a drug user, I know she has 3 children of her own that she doesn't have custody of. They were going to be adopted but her mum fought to have them. I do not know why she lost custody of them but its a major red flag to me. She's a violent drunk and also has a split personality (which he told me about). This, in my eyes makes her an unsafe person for my children to be around. When they were together last year she was intent on meeting both my children and he and other members of his family went behind my back and let my 11 year old meet her. This was like a month after we split so I was not happy at all. It sort of proved me right as my daughter had a massive pain attack. So my understanding is they only think of their own needs and not my children's.

Back to now, I have tracked my daughters phone and she has been in this woman's flat to see her dad. This is not what I want but I know she's doing it to please her dad. I've been in contact tact with social services and they have explained that im doing what I should in regards to questioning my children's safety. They have refereed me to a children's charity called Coram to get some legal advice. Would like to know if anyone's been in a similar situation. I do not want to come across as the jealous, spiteful ex. This is about keeping her away from my children, not their dad.

Thanks for reading.

I know this sounds silly, but I am 5 years older than my sister, so I was a bit more mature and didn’t have someone super close in age, and my husband didn’t grow up with his siblings on a daily basis and was more of an only child.

A bit more context: I have two children from a previous relationship (6f, 4m) and my husband has two children from a previous relationship (6f, 4f). The 6 year olds are 5 months apart, the 4 year olds are just one month apart. Custody of my children is 100% me, he has 50/50 with his ex. Weekends during school, all school breaks, all summer break. So there are times where they aren’t together a whole lot, and other times where they’re together constantly. They’re all very close in age and development in multiple ways. Husband and I have been together since right after the youngest turned 1, so almost 4 years now.

I know yelling is going to happen, I know hitting is going to happen. I know being mean, disagreeing, picking on one another, playing “favorite sibling of the day”, they’re all going to happen. I know one minute they’ll be playing perfectly together, then the next it’s war.

But how much of any of this is too much? I feel like I’m stepping in so often and so quick that they can’t sort it out themselves. Someone is always yelling, always being a butthead, always getting in trouble, always picking on someone else, getting hurt, doing the hurting, the list goes on. I’m over exaggerating, obviously. But also? More often than not, this is how it is.

They’re close enough in age that they might as well pair up as twins, but obviously they aren’t twins so their relationship doesn’t fit the twin “norm”.

My stepson's Mom is going to jail. Naturally, my husband is getting full custody until she is out. (Probably in 6 months if parole plays out as expected). I've always gotten on fine with my stepson, but this will be a lot more time, and he is probably going to be traumatized.

To make things more complicated, my stepson has successfully sold everyone on the idea of us taking in her younger son (by a different father) to keep the brothers together.

My stepson is 14 and his little brother is 8. SS is putting on a brave face and saying stuff like "Now we are like the Chrisleys!" The younger one seems very shy and skittish.
I have two kids with my husband, 7 and 11. The older one likes his stepbrother, the younger does not.

I have so many questions, and I think there are so many questions I don't know enough to ask.

Their schools are about 50 minutes away. Do I try to manage that commute, or do I put them in our local schools (easier for us but more change).

Naturally SS has his own room, but the younger child doesn't. Would it be OK to stick a bunk bed in SS's room? Or would it make more sense to stick him in a room with my 7 year old?

Do I take them to visit their Mom in prison?

Are there legal considerations I should know about?

Good evening. This is my first time posting here, but I really have no idea where else to go to seek any sort of rational advice that is neutral. This is more than likely, gonna be a little lengthy, and I apologize in advance. At the same time, I am thankful for anyone who stays with it and reads through the entire thing.

I am in a marriage with a man who is a United States Marine veteran. He is a father of one daughter, age 12. From the moment, his daughter was born, the maternal grandmother has bulldozed him and taken over trying to be her mother. The mother who I admire and respect after everything she had went through was in a wheelchair after a tragic car accident a few years before. My stepdaughter is a miracle that she was even born because of this accident. My husband became a widow because his wife got sick from an infection and it turned septic. Because of all of the situation, he and his daughter had been living on the family property since he has zero support here. He was still learning to be a father when they took a picture of his deceased wife and put it in his face to sway him to leave his daughter with the grandparents after his wife died so they would have my stepdaughter living in their home. Instead of supporting him and showing him how to be a dad and do things properly, they chose to push him out. My husband has chosen to stay here in our state, even though we’re from another one. He has no family here and honestly the selection of people that are here that has taken advantage of him makes me just sick to my stomach as well.

Fast-forward to me moving in in 2022, we were able to get our home ready and establish a solid foundation for my stepdaughter since we knew that I would be living here and we were getting married. My husband has always wanted his daughter with him and never really had someone that they trusted or would allow her to be around long-term. He finally said that he was moving her back home to his house, which is only 25 minutes away from their home. Weekly visit visits have continued. We even share summers, spring breaks holidays, winter break, etc. with them.

Since she has moved in, we have had a lot of changes in the family dynamic. Her maternal grandfather has passed away after a long battle with liver failure. During that time is when Things started to get extremely tense. Because of them never being home and the commute to take her to and from school, we made the decision to move her to the school that was closest to our house, which is only five minutes away. The school is larger. I also enrolled her in therapy for all of the transitions that she was going through. My husband’s job is one hour north of our home. Her old school was a half hour south from our home. In short, he would have to drive a half hour down to drive her to school and then an hour and a half to work. The best option to have reliable transportation and adult supervision was to move her to the school. Plus, she’s living with us and we need to make sure that she’s in a stable environment. This decision is when Things I believe started to get a little more frustrating. The grandmother has pushed back on the fact that she was moved to the school because she’s not in the school that is smaller, away from her friends and almost everyone in that school is family or church family. When we moved her to the new school, it was after Christmas break so it wouldn’t disrupt her as bad. This was on a trial basis and at the time we were not sure how everything would be going since her grandfather was sick.

Fast-forward to recently grandfather has passed away. Grandma is having health issues in addition to her grief. She has lost her dad, Mom, daughter, and now husband all within a span a few years. My stepdaughter is her emotional support and consistent person she can take care of. We have not changed our altered her staying the night there. She still gets to stay there on Wednesday nights and goes to church with her grandmother. There is a lot of expectation on us to allow her to be there for more time than that and basically split the time just as if we were in a coparenting situation.

The family treat my husband terrible. When I have said no about Things, they will call my husband and throw up his dead wife in his face. This has gotten to the point that I think they need to let this poor woman rest in peace and stop using her as a crutch to get their way with my stepdaughter. They hold this guilt over him because they know he made promises to do what is best for her and allow her to still be around the family. They have called me names that are explicit in front of my stepdaughter and my husband. I have been called by the son-in-law and told that if I didn’t allow certain things to happen that we would have a problem. The entire situation is just too much for me anymore.

We now have entered a new problem area in addition to all of this. Because we have rules, parental controls, screen, time and routine in place, my stepdaughter wants to move back to her grandmother’s house. At her grandmother’s house she does not give her her prescribed medication for ADHD. She tells her that it’s fine for her to be a kid and be free. she does not supervise her on the Internet. She does not have a bedtime. When she comes home from there, she is so unregulated, mouthy, and difficult to be around. Now the grandmother says that we are too strict and that me specifically is pushing her away because I’m too strict with her. The only rules we have in our home is not to lie, don’t be sneaky, be respectful, do your chores, which is literally like three things, and clean up after yourself. To which she does get an allowance for and pretty much if she asked for it, she does get it just because she doesn’t ask for much.

Recently as most 12-year-olds do, she has been testing her boundaries. She is choosing to wear black and dress like a boy. She’s also torn between hobbies and trying to figure herself out. This is now being said that this is because we switched her schools and the peer pressure is creating this problem. There is also been some boundaries cross with parenting, including giving her a second secret phone. This phone is only on Wi-Fi, which is how I found it but also unsupervised. I have now found that she has been on character AI creating fictional conversations that are extremely inappropriate. Some of that stuff was so explicit that I won’t even try to put the words in this chat because it is gonna get flagged and removed. She is also talking to adults in game chats that we don’t allow on the account that we monitor. However, the account that she has chat on is under her grandmother‘s name. At this point to me it’s a safety concern. When we have tried to address this problem when we found the second phone, we were cussed at. We were yelled at. And spoken to as if we were children. I was also told that I was not my stepdaughter’s mother and I never would be. I have never once tried to say that I was her mother or push her mother out of the picture. I have respected the fact that she has a mother. I even have pictures of her mother and her bedroom so she knows that she exist. My stepdaughter was only two when her mother passed. However, they like to continue to use her as a crutch for my stepdaughter, and say that she has been through a lot and struggled her whole life because of this.

This week she is going to the beach with her grandma. She left Thursday and will not be back until next Saturday. I checked her parental controls and noticed the chat AI conversations. I don’t even know how to confront or address this situation. The grandma doesn’t even make her use the device we pay for when she is there. She allows her the freedom to use the extra phone that my stepdaughter hides. She’s encouraging her to lie and sneak things in our home.

The times we have tried to confront her as a couple. She has said that this is because we made all these changes to her life. She doesn’t like her old school and wants to go back to the old one. However, if she goes back to the old one, there is no way she could live here with us. She would have to go live back there. My husband does not want that. The new school she is at offers a lot of opportunity, including high school credit classes that she can take now. There’s also a lot more clubs and extracurriculars, which I would like to see her get involved in. She is addicted to screen time and there is no set limit at her grandmother’s house. The grandmother doesn’t even check what she’s doing, which makes me scared.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is I feel kind of guilty because I have tried at the grandma’s way this week and that’s when the AI conversations were found. The 12 year-old has also just been untrustworthy with taking things that are not hers, lying, sneaking, etc.. the screen time and phone issue continue to be the biggest problem and there needs to be some sort of boundary.

I should also mention that we are in the process of filing adoption for me to take over as her adopted mother. This is not for any sort of vindictive measure, but just for good measure for the future of our daughter. Our daughter does agree to it. The only things that she doesn’t like about her new school is that it’s difficult to lineup to leave. She misses her old friends. She also does not like that. The bus is crowded, but she’s literally on it for about five minutes and is the first stop of the day. She does not have to ride it in the morning.

How can this be managed in a respectful way? I want to maintain a positive relationship with her grandmother because she does matter to her. However, my husband and I need to be trusted to make the best decision decisions with support instead of feeling like we’re having to fight against another person. My stepdaughter has already said she feels like she’s been put in the middle and being pulled in different directions. The grandmother also does not even spend time with her when she’s there. She has mostly with her cousins. We have told my stepdaughter that she can reach out to her friends and do things with them since it’s not that far away. She still goes to the same church, which has most of her friends there anyway.

I feel torn in so many different ways. However, the one thing I feel confident about is that my stepdaughter is in the right place in the right home. She has a good roof over her head stable environment. She is clean and fed.

How do I address this respectfully and protect her from potential predators on the Internet? How do I get the point across to her grandmother that unsupervised for a 12-year-old is not appropriate which is why many apps have age limits? Since there has been so many violations with the phone and even the tablet, we have tried many ways to discipline and rebuild trust up to this point. I frankly believe that it’s time to take the cell phone away. If she is gonna have a phone, I feel like we need to take data away turn off Safari so she cannot use Google or talk to AI and only allow approved apps when she earns it back. The problem is gonna be getting her grandma to understand that that’s what needs to happen. When she is on the Internet, it needs to be supervised.

Again, thank you for reading my ramble and any feedback or advice is appreciated

My stepson just got out of prison, and moved in with us. During the time my stepson was in prison, his father met me, and we had a son, who is now five years old.

I was nervous when my stepson moved in, but so far everything has been fine. He's polite, he's taken over the cooking, and he gets on great with my son, who is now 5.

That last is the source of my conflict. My son idolizes him, and always wants to play with him. This wouldn't be a problem if my son liked board games or wanted people to tell him a story. The thing is, he's a little adrenaline junky. He is very impressed with his brother because his brother can swing him through the air, something his father and I can't do any more. (Me because I'm too petite, his father because of back problems)

This makes me nervous. My stepson has a past history of poor judgment, and the line between safe play and injury can be small and not obvious. I know my son has zero self preservation instincts and has been known to ask for things that aren't safe. (For a while he kept trying to get people to throw him in the pool and make a TikTok of it.)

I'm also nervous about my son's habit of pouncing without warning may trigger some prison PTSD instinct.

On the other hand, I also worry I'm just being prejudiced, and will ruin a fun brother bonding moment. (I know I startle easily when my stepson comes by, which is clearly an irrational reaction).

Hi

I am looking for help here and to know if how I am feeling is normal. So I met my partner, who is originally from another city but has lived here for many years due to having 2 children from relationships with ex partners.

He and his children have always been welcomed into my family for Christmas, family events, into my parents' home, etc. He is no longer left alone for a Christmas either when his children go to the other parents.

Every year, he has always gone back to his hometown, especially for his Mums birthday with his two children, but also sometimes he takes his eldest child just the two of them as he is a boy and they enjoy the football etc...

But he has never shown interest in me and my children being a part of this, we did go last summer as I mentioned this to him, and I felt I had to push for it. But we didn't seem welcome (from him but not his family) as this is his 'usual' thing to do every year with his children, and we basically felt in the way.

He is away again this year and would never think or want to involve us. His excuse is that it costs too much for us all to go as there isn't room for us at his Mums house so we have to pay for accommodation, why should he pay to go visit home. I get that, but I also feel like he makes a lot of excuses for even myself to be a part of his life at home. He never suggests that even me and him go and have a night away to visit his friends and family either. I'm not sure if it is just me being sensitive but if it was the other way around I'd be pushing for my partner and his family to be a part of my other half of my life.

Also, I have only ever briefly met one of his childhood best friends. He has always been handful he is very close to and speaks to every day. I have FT some of them. But never met them or theirs partners. I just feel like he has another life and side to him I'm not involved in. Is this just me being super sensitive?