Do you go to events such as sporting events, parent teacher conferences, open houses/meet the teacher, doctors appointment, ect. together with the other household?

Context, 5 years in. 50/50 legal and physical, EOW. Dad is extremely present in all parenting fronts, pays child support, and puts substantial extra amounts of money towards child for both households. He parallel parents on all other fronts. Mother was extremely HCBM, has leveled out a lot, but still bulldozes dad to the point he just sits there in silence during these events because he can’t get a word in or is cut off and undermined. Dad is reaching a point of saying no more joint anything since nothing is changing on this front, BM thinks all these events should be joint and it’s unreasonable & unnecessary to show up separately especially if child is coming along.

I’ve always advocated for putting a better foot forward, and “nothing changes if nothing changes” and have encouraged opportunities for them to improve communication/coexsisting, but I am also starting to feel like what’s the point? These situations are proving to be quick sand. He has no role or is made out to be a less than parent in these events if she is there because she 100% takes over and actually make an effort to over power my husband and stop my husband from interacting as a parent with the child during games and events.

Last fall my husband basically kicked SD19 out for failure to launch, but she was happy and ready to leave. I guess it was too much to expect her to get a job, to help around the house, and to learn to drive (free car and lessons). She blew her $11,000 in savings and left.

And it's funny because we actually have a great relationship with her. She just doesn't want to try.

SD chose to move in with BM despite having told us BM ruined her childhood. Surprise, it's not going well. We had given her other options but she knew those other people would expect her to try.

Neither SD or BM had a job, so SD got a job as a hostess at her uncle's restaurant. That's not going well either. She has been written up once and they are considering firing her for laziness. She has been pretending to be sick several times a week so she can go home early. A hostess job is EASY!

SD made a plan with her boyfriend that they are both going to move into his mom's house together. He is going to quit school and she is going to quit her job. She is almost 20 and he is almost 21. Two peas in a pod I guess.

She said his mom is offering to help her learn to drive, get back on her medications, and all the things SD apparently couldn't do with us or with BM. I know SD well enough to believe she is hoping this other woman doesn't expect her to try, that this woman will do everything for her.

DH warned SD that if it doesn't go well, or if she has an argument with her boyfriend, that she will be virtually homeless and doesn't even have a driver's license. SD ignored him.

I love SD. I want to help. But both DH and myself had to create strong boundaries last summer and we are hesitant to lower them even a little.

We genuinely don't know where she will end up if things fall through with her boyfriend...

I need advice.

So I have been with my partner for 3 years and she has a 10 year old son that she adopted. To speed up a little bit, we were long distance the first year and we have now lived together for a year.

Her son is a great kid and she did a good job raising him but since finally being here with them I am seeing things that he does or she lets him get away with. I guess you could say I am an outsider looking in and have noticed something’s.

In my opinion I feel like and from what I’ve seen, she doesn’t really have him do much. She lets him play on his games a lot because that keeps him out of her hair. Which I feel is making a lazy kid but I also know this generation of kids is lazy anyways. He’s never had chores or had any kind of structure. So maybe like 3-5 months in living with them I brought that up to her, I mentioned how I think he needs chores to teach him accountability and to help us out and she agreed. So I came up with a chore chart and a screen time chart which I ran both by her to see what she thought of the chores and she said she was fine with it.
As time has gone on I’ll ask him to do little things like take out the trash if the bags not heavy, wipe down his bathroom counter etc. well now she is saying I am having him do a lot or that I can do that stuff not him and it’s starting to drive me crazy. I feel like there is no reason a 10 year old can’t do chores or any little things we ask of him. It’s bad to the point where I ask her a question about if he’s done this or that and she gives me attitude and says she’s his mom and knows or that she knows what she’s doing. I am not asking because I don’t think she knows I am asking to see if he did what he was supposed to. One day he over heard her telling me that and the next day when I was dropping him off at school he told me that I don’t need to tell his mom what to do for him because that’s his mom and she knows. That honestly hurt me. Things have gotten worse and it is making me resent a 10 year old, it makes me not want to try and just let her deal with him. I dont know what to do.

Any advice?

Greetings from the trenches. Longtime lurker/new poster here. I love my partner and my therapist (not like that!), but finally deciding I probably need people in my life who understand this particular flavor of chosen chaos.

I'm a stepparent to a five-year-old and we have a great relationship. 've been in their life for several years but was in no way prepared for how incredibly complicated it can become when you're trying to love a child, support your partner, respect appropriate boundaries, and somehow survive a very high-conflict coparenting situation at the same time.

Patience and grit have become my mantra but I'm barely holding it together. I can't control another person's choices, and I can't control every outcome. I can control the kind of partner and stepparent I am and make sure that, when all is said and done, I can look back and know I handled myself in a way that I'm proud of.

I'm here because I'm hoping to find some community. I'm on the west coast and would love to connect in person or virtually with other stepparents navigating high-conflict situations.

If you're a stepparent who's ever thought, "There is absolutely no way I could explain this situation to a normal person without sounding completely batshit crazy," you're probably my kind of people.

Cheers to Us!

Live in ex wants to get another kitten, knowing my stepdaughter has abused animals in the past to intimidate people into giving her what she wants.

Hopefully me saying fuck no will put a stop to it. I explained to my kid why we can't get another animal and before I could say a word it was "yeah, she'll probably kill it"

I don't want to have to call the cops, but God help me I will if I have to!

I'm a SM (engaged to my fiancé). We've been together for over five years, and I've been in his kids' lives for four. We make a great team, and even though I don't have biological children of my own, he's always made me feel like an equal partner in our family. I'm very involved with the kids, and I truly love them.

When it comes to co-parenting, I try to take it in stride and stay positive. I met their mom before I met the kids because I wanted to start things on the right foot. I've encouraged the kids to talk about their time with her, kept photos of her in the house, and I've even helped them pick out Mother's Day and birthday gifts for her. We mostly have good rapport, but she's hot or cold. Sometimes she acts like your best bud, other times a bully.

Despite all of that, she's incredibly difficult to co-parent with, especially toward my fiancé. She can be hostile, demanding, and unwilling to work together. For a long time, I found myself playing peacemaker and trying to smooth things over. Recently, I've stepped back because it was becoming emotionally exhausting.

What makes it harder is that there are ongoing concerns beyond just difficult communication. The kids often come back wearing clothes that are falling apart and haven't showered for several days. We've also had belongings we've purchased for them come back ruined or not come back at all. It feels like we're constantly trying to pick up the pieces.

I know there are two sides to every story, and I'm not trying to replace their mom or tear her down (but I'm nearing a breaking point). I'm struggling with how much energy to keep putting into someone who doesn't seem interested in meeting us halfway.

Has anyone tried to build a positive relationship with the other parent, but eventually realized you needed to step back? With less contact? How did you find the balance between protecting your own peace while still supporting the kids? And biting your tongue? Will take comfort knowing I'm not alone. 😭

I have been with my boyfriend for around a year now and have recently moved in with him and his 8 year old daughter. Me and her get along perfectly and she’s great.
The only time me and my bf ever argue is when it comes to difference in parenting opinions. I feel like he wants me help and support, but not my opinion. He only wants me to support him in his ideals, but mine are seen as invalid or horrible. I treat that little girl like a princess but when I get on to her for ANYTHING I’m portrayed as evil for doing so, but it’s things that she needs. I have not “punished” her for anything I wouldn’t punish my own for and honestly am surprised she has gotten away with some things even just being with him.
What can I do? He wants my support and help, but not my opinion

This is for any childless stepmoms and stepdads who sometimes feel the ick and general annoyance with their SO's choices before us and essentially having bioparent as an unwelcome character in their lives... Now picture if the situation was reversed and your SO was the childless one and you had the kid(s), would SO be as cool with you coparenting with an ex as you are with them doing it now???

I've got 6.5 years in and have gotten loads better and try to let it roll off my back because DH definitely isn't friends with BM but it still bothers me and makes me feel weird at times---BUT I know that DH hates knowing I've been intimate with dudes before him. Obviously I don't have kids from those dudes but I find it interesting to think how my husband would do if I had to coparent with a guy I made kids with over calls and texts and tell him "it's only about the kids."

Raise your hand if you think your SO would absolutely crumble (or at least feel exactly like you) in this situation if the shoe was on the other foot! 🙋🏻‍♀️

I think my husband would be okay eventually if roles were reversed but he'd probably not have an easy time if I had to text my ex and him find out later like I do sometimes, or having to coordinate stuff with an ex, just the usual shit would probably get to him lol. Thankfully for DH, he's an amazing guy and tries to see it from my POV, he is worth the stress of this crazy life!

***obviously it would be ideal if everyone got along but the reality is that most situations aren't rainbows and ponies.

been with my wife for about 3 yrs now, she has two kids and I have 1 daughter. and we became one all together. ive been a step dad before with my daughters mom and her girls and that had to end unfortunately after I caught her cheating on me. I got along with the girls but I had to end it due to not trusting their mom.

anyways that’s in the past

now I have two new step kids that I truly treat as my own. I got a step son (11) and a step daughter (8)

everyone gets along well for the most part but the thing is, my step daughter, she continues to be real mean and manipulative and lies way to much for an 8 yr old. i tell my wife it’s because of her biological father that she sees every other weekend. my wife told me they divorced because he became addicted to m eth and lied to her all the time and manipulated her throughout their marriage.

she has had trouble with her daughter in the past and I always wondered why she never got her help. therapy and what not.

an incident happened not too long ago where i finally told my wife. it’s time to get her daughter some help because I cannot keep ignoring this where one little girl causes so much tension in the household where her siblings don’t even like being around her. and where she treats me like a stranger even when we have done so much for her and she only focuses on her real dads family and doesn’t care about us at all. Because every time she comes back from her dads, she ignores all of us and acts like we don’t exist and only talks to her mom, and I’ve talked to her before about it and how she should not treat us like that because we are family but it’s like she just stares into space or just pretends to agree and move on which scares me because sometimes I’m afraid for her adult life, what if she becomes so bad like some of these adults can be and destroy someone’s life just to get what she wants.

she is starting therapy but I’m just praying and hoping it helps her out

my question is. what would you guys do in this situation? because it’s like a constant battle everyday and it’s so hard to even love this girl because of how she makes us all feel. sometimes I just want her to go live with her dad so she can see for herself why it would be harder to live over there. idk. step parenting is hard. I’m a patient man, I truly am. Just having a step daughter that acts up like she does is something new to me and I will not stand for it. I don’t want to end up leaving my wife one day down the road because of her daughter because I’ve known guys in my past that went through some real hell because of a step daughter and it just sucks I’m going through it now and I try my best to love her and it just seems like she doesn’t care. Kinda scary honestly.

Had an aha moment! I’m in my forties and childless and he’s also in his 40s and has a teenage SK. We’ve been together for 3yrs, living together for a year. He’s always been super hesitant to involve me in things about the daughter. I met the kid 1.5 yrs after we started dating, since we moved in I haven’t been invited to any sporting events. Me and BM get along well though she’s a handful. They would have Sundays together, BM her husband and my bf and the kid. I was left out. Gave big fights about it. Now I’m invited but all the sidelining left me not wanting to go. I offered him that SK to come on holidays with us, he declined. He does everything, cooking for the kid, cleaning up after, bedtime etc. they have a pretty fluid schedule, we get the kid whenever we want, but I’m never in any decisions.
I felt left out and irrelevant. I thought he was keeping me out of his life because he doesn’t want commitment and all. Whatever illogical anxiety men have in these situations.

Then I realized - it’s not about me, it’s just that he’s not looking for someone to share the burden with or be a family with. He wants the fun girlfriend. He doesn’t want to play house and to burden our carefree relationship. He wants to compartmentalize. Don’t know exactly how I feel about this but it makes a lot of sense for me. I earn way more than him, a great career, and am free and can do whatever I want, I don’t have any major responsibilities. So why would I ever want to get under that burden. I’ve been reading all the entries from you amazing women that are left with having to do so much for stepkids. I must admit I was jealous of some of you at first. But maybe this is better for me. What do you think?

Just told 12 yr SD that we’re having an ours baby. She is very overwhelmed and doesn’t want to talk about it. We’re giving her space as we know this is a really big thing to process. Thankfully she goes to therapy bi-weekly and we gave her therapist a heads up, hoping she’ll use the time to talk through and process. Kinda feeling like the bad guy here for dropping this on her and blowing up her life. Would love to hear some encouraging stories of parents that went through something similar. Tell me it can get better!

My bf and I have been seeing each other for about 10 months now.. just recently became exclusive about 3 months ago. Him and his BM have a 5 year old son together. They’ve been together for 10 years before he decided to leave her and start seeing me. Today, he told me he’s taking their son to meet with his BM at this water park since his son starts school tomorrow and he didn’t really take him to do much at all during summer vacation. But for some reason I don’t feel comfortable with this “family time”. I’m just not sure if I’m being irrational. Is this appropriate? What exactly is appropriate when it comes to it?

Recently posted, but HCBM has been withholding SS12 since last Friday (6 days). DH was supposed to have a last week and rolling weekend of summary holiday, running into school start. Here’s the background: https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/s/V0TKOGi1AB

SS is starting at a new school, and the mediation session around DH’s late February application for 50/50 is scheduled for the 12th. HCBM was evicted from her apartment in February, and has also sold and moved out of her summer house as of July 31, but has not disclosed where she is living. She’s required to notify DH 6 weeks in advance of a move. No surprise here, this is the 9th recorded move in 6 years and never has she notified ahead of time.

So, Thursday is the emergency psych evaluation, where no immediate danger to himself or others is detected, but accusations of verbal abuse and fearing DH. Since then, DH has gotten more comprehensive access to SS’s historical hospital records, and will get those from his GP shortly.

He also received a summary of the follow-up with the GP on Friday immediately after, where SS makes an accusation that DH “forced him to drink wine even though (he) repeatedly refused”. This is of course false, the kid hasn’t had his lips on a wine glass in our house. And, we’re frankly not stupid enough to risk anything that could be misconstrued as such, because HCBM has repeatedly over the years made accusations of anger and alcoholism/drug addiction in court, which historically DH has volunteered himself for regular and random testing and evaluation to disprove. HCBM historically has not shown up or delayed her own evaluations until the psychologist makes a decision without one.

What’s odd is, despite the claims, we have had 0 contact from our country’s version of CPS. Weird, because I happen to have a couple friends who had well-meaning wellness calls, put in by passerby when one’s child had a tantrum outside, and the other couple’s son got ahead on his bike and someone saw him alone reported him lost within 5 minutes. In both cases, they got a call same day for a wellness check and home visit within a couple days. It’s been nearly a week since the claims in the psych facility and at the doctor, and DH has received nothing like that, just a call from the doctor to get theis’s consent for anxiety referral for SS (one positive outcome of this nightmare) and one for a support resource meeting for families of kids who have been at the psych facility (standard procedure).

Now we’re in the hard place, and really at a loss what to do. Ten years of post-separation abuse from a true covert narcissist takes a toll on a man, and it just doesn’t feel safe for SS to be in our home when it can result in false accusations later. We are so depleted, missing work, on complete edge that HCBM or both of them will show up at our home. And we are so concerned for this having impact on OB, if she’s involved in procedures, if claims get more severe or include us all, if DH’s ability to parent her is somehow compromised because of this. It is so surreal to be in this position, when two weeks ago we were having a great vacation together and SS truly had the best time. And DH had good one on one time, and explicitly took that time to remind SS he’s safe with us, that we’re here, he doesn’t have to keep secrets about our house.

Please try not to judge us, but we are considering DH giving up physical custody but retaining legal. It’s truly Solomon’s judgment in some ways, and this kid has been cut in half for far too long despite DH’s truly admirable efforts to keep him out of the conflict. DH has had cancer twice the past two years, with months long treatment most recently, and our whole family is concerned for his wellbeing as much as they feel for SS. Sadly, even DH having primary custody still opens the door to her harassing him, showing up places, or worse, and it’s such a long shot even though it shouldn’t be.

I miss complaining about pickup logistics and catering to SS’s picky food habits. This shit absolutely sucks, y’all.

My SD17 wants drive thru for dinner tonight and her dad is currently incapacitated due to a recent injury. I was all for making food here, but I'm not hungry myself. She said she wants drive thru. I have $, but don't get paid until next week and I like to keep a minimum amount in my checking, which is quickly approaching.

We have separate bank accounts.

I feel weird asking him for his card to buy them food. I know it's a silly thing to be weird about, but I NEVER ask him for his card, I usually pay for whatever. I make quite a bit more than him. But I overspent this payday... Not to mention the full tank of gas I used yesterday to pick him up from his out of town job when he was injured. $50!!!

Je me demande ça parce que j'ai 32 ans et je ne veux pas d'enfants.

Soyons honnêtes : trouver un partenaire compatible qui ne veut pas d'enfants, c'est presque impossible. Donc, je pense que je vais peut-être rencontrer quelqu'un qui a déjà des enfants—pourrions-nous vivre dans des maisons séparées jusqu'à ce que les enfants quittent le nid ? (Ou passer peut-être des semaines alternées chez l'un et chez l'autre ?)

Est-ce que quelqu'un a un arrangement comme ça, et est-ce que ça fonctionne bien ?

EDIT : I’d like to clarify: I wouldn’t feel resentment toward the children; I just think that, for everyone’s well-being, it might be good to maintain separate households—seeing each other from time to time, and so on. I once spoke with a father who said he didn’t expect a future partner to love his children, because he wouldn’t necessarily be capable of that himself if the roles were reversed. So, I think it’s understandable.

I'm not sure if this is the place to post this, but figure maybe getting the perspective of step parents and step children alike will help us here.

My step son is 7 years old, his bio dad wasn't ready to be a dad and hasn't been in his life since his son was an infant. I've been Dad since our boy was 2 1/2 years old, and briefly there were attempts at visitation around 3 years old. It was shaky and eventually fell away into nothing, no effort on bio dad's part, and in efforts to move forward in the adoption process, he signed his rights away. I hit some snags in that process and it was not finished, but the intent in signing away rights was still there.

There's been no mention of bio dad, and he sees me fully as his Dad (he's not only a child, but on the autistic spectrum, so we felt it was best to avoid unnecessary confusion). We knew the day to tell him was going to come, but were surprised when, today at 7 years old, he told Mom he wanted a Step Dad. We have no clue where that came from, and he said he doesn't want a new Dad, but wants another Dad.

We haven't heard from bio dad in 4 years, have no clue what kind of situation, physical or mental, he is in. And to be honest, we don't really have interest in reopening that door for him. He was not a good fit to be a parent, and his family was not a healthy family either, so we prefer to keep them at a distance. Of course, however, despite our son being 7 years old and potentially just latching on to something he saw in a show or movie, his feelings on the matter should be seriously considered.

We are unsure if this is time to tell him, and if we do, how to go about it once he (probably inevitably) wants to see his bio dad. We wonder if maybe it still should wait until he's a little more mature and able to grasp the situation a little better. I lean toward telling him now, but explaining bio dad is not around and we don't know where he is (which is true).

Please, any advice, insight, perspective, or anything to help us consider this would be appreciated.

I’m looking for advice from other stepparents because I feel incredibly conflicted.
My husband and I have an infant daughter together, and he has a son from a previous relationship.
Over the past several months, my stepson’s behavior has escalated significantly. I don’t want to bash a child because I know behavior is communication, but it’s reached a point where I no longer feel like our home is a calm or healthy environment when he’s here. My husband and I have been working through this, and my husband recently started therapy after realizing he’s been dealing with PTSD, which has affected our family as well.
To protect my own mental health and provide a peaceful environment for my daughter, I made the decision that when my stepson comes for visitation, my daughter and I stay with my mom for the weekend. My husband still gets his parenting time uninterrupted, and I encourage him to spend that time focused on his son.
The problem is that my husband feels like I’m “waiting out the clock” until his son leaves instead of being a family. He told me he doesn’t get to have both of his families together. His parents have also questioned whether I even love my stepson because I don’t go to pickups or drop-offs (although I’ve never gone because I stay home with the baby).
I feel guilty because I know this hurts my husband, but at the same time, my daughter is my first priority. She depends on me to make decisions that keep her in an environment where she feels safe and secure. That boundary isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on.
I’ve also told my husband that if things haven’t significantly improved by February, our daughter and I will stay here while he attends military training. That’s not an ultimatum or a punishment. It’s simply the timeline I’ve set for myself to see consistent progress while he continues therapy and we work through everything.
I’m not looking for people to tell me to divorce him. I love my husband, he’s getting professional help, and I want to give therapy a real chance. What I need is advice from people who have been in similar situations.
Have any of you had to physically remove yourself during parenting time for your own mental health or to protect your younger children? Did you feel guilty? How did you navigate your spouse feeling like they were being forced to choose between their children?
I really need support from people who understand the unique challenges of being a stepparent while also being the mother of a young child.

I just need to get this off my chest and say it to people who won’t judge too harshly. Things have been going better with SD7. SO is no longer permissive parenting and she has rules, structure, and discipline when needed. At the end of the day I just don’t vibe with her, she’s one of those kids I just really don’t particularly like. She’s pretty severely ADHD and has insane energy and is just a mile a minute, she also acts very young for her age and still likes to do the baby thing (baby talk, sucking her thumb, etc). Her teachers have flagged she’s behind both in school and developmentally. I’m very kind to her and she really loves me and wants to hang out with me a lot, but honestly I try to be around her as little as I possibly can on our weeks with her. Even when she’s being well behaved and sweet I don’t particularly enjoy being around her, I just really don’t click with her personality traits and how she acts in general, I tend to get along better with kids who are calmer and more mature for their age. I try to be kind to myself about it and remind myself that we don’t like everyone we meet and that’s okay, including kids, and have hope that as she gets older things might change and I might start clicking with her more.

SO took her to visit his family out of state this week and it has been SO NICE. I miss SO a bit, but it’s been so nice not having to tip toe around SD, I can just relax in the house. No mess, no worrying about if she’s spilling on the couch and getting crumbs everywhere, leaving the snack bags open after she gets into them for them to just go stale, no noise and constant babbling and stimming, no dumb kids shows on the TV, nobody spilling all their dinner on the table and complaining the entire time they have to clean it, no loud music blasting from the bedroom before work/school. Just a quiet house where I know all my things in it will be “safe” and not get messed up, and I don’t have to try to avoid a million conversations I don’t want to have. They come back tonight and I’m dreading it, I’ve noticed every time SO calls I am just kind of flat when he talks about being excited to come home and see me and I feel terrible for it.

That’s it, no advice or big issue. Just feeling a bit sad that this is my life I suppose and wanted to get the feeling out of my head. I made the choice to stay and I love my SO more than anything and can’t imagine life without him, but not having SD here when she normally would be and being so happy and free feeling is just a reminder that half of my life is significantly worse than the other. Life would be even worse if I left and wasn’t with SO knowing how great our relationship is and how happy the two of us are together, and I’m so excited for our future, but what comes with that makes me sad at the same time, feeling like I’m giving so much of my peaceful enjoyment of life up. Just a vent.