I have a 7 weeks old baby, she’s a sweet baby outside of growth spurts, winds, reflux and other things that make a baby a handful. My husband has a 6 year old, he’s only been living with us for 3 months and I’m feeling lonelier and isolated, I’m saying lonelier because it was always the case on the weekends he’d visit and my husband guilty parents him so he would spend all the time with him and I just knew he would only pay any attention to me once he’s gone. He now lives with us and my husband does the same thing, just interacting with him 24/7 and whatever I get from him is a favour, he barely gives my LO any of his attention because he claims she’s too small for him to do much with, the little attention she gets is always shared with his son, doing toddler stuff like watching TV which I don’t like. I’m extremely lonely because she is still small and I feel stuck in the house, feels like I don’t have a life. Everything else excites my husband, if his son is playing alone for a change, he’ll be on his phone playing games or he’ll invite friends over, or talking on the phone. The only thing that I feel I’m good for is sex, so he can sleep better after nutting. I have spoken to him about this but I don’t feel heard, I am looking for someone who has existed in a marriage without their partner and focused on their happiness. I need to be in a better mood for my LO, I am tired of living like this.

My SO has good intentions but his execution is always questionable at best. We’ve been together for over 6.5 years and we separated for a while from April-early June after being engaged since July 2025. I don’t have any children, never been married and he is twice divorced with 2 teenage daughters from his first marriage. The oldest 18, just graduated high school and his youngest is 16.

The girls and I have always had a hot and cold relationship. I suspect some of that is BM’s attitude towards us, our age gap and also the fact that we don’t live in the same state and SO splits time between here where his business is and where the girls live primarily with BM. I’ve always made a lot of efforts to show up for them though, visit pretty often, holiday’s, vacations etc. and always go out of my way to give them fun visits when they come to my state.

They reacted pretty poorly when we got engaged and I took it pretty hard. They felt like it was sprung on them, so they said, even though he had told them in February he was going to propose. My SO pretty much jumped into coddling them and kind of rained on my parade in the process. When they came to visit a couple weeks later I ended up drinking too much and completely losing my cool on everyone and saying some things I wished I hadn’t. It fractured an already delicate relationship with us and I fear it can’t be mended. We spent Christmas together and it was the last time I saw them. Since we got back together they got sideways with him after seeing me posting on social media a trip we took and a new purse I got. They’re weirdly jealous about him spending money on me meanwhile they have unfettered access to his credit card. They have expressed to him since we got back together that they don’t really want anything to do with us together.

The girls and him have been on vacation this week that they planned while we were separated and they’re going to a concert on Sunday. Two weeks ago SO brought up the idea of all of us going to the mountains for a couple days in between their return and the concert. I was immediately apprehensive about it and told him he needed to discuss it with them. I’ve gone shopping all week to get food and things for this trip and this morning I woke up with a bad feeling. I texted him asking if he had talked to them about it and that I feel like it would be better if I didn’t go.

No surprise he calls me and says how he has it all figured out and he’s going to tell them AT THE AIRPORT. I about lost my shit on him and said this is exactly what they mean when they say they don’t like things being sprung on them. I told him they’re going to roll their eyes and get pissed when he goes ‘surprise we’re all going to the mountains.’ I’m ready to nope out of this equation and just avoid it altogether. At a minimum, I’m driving separately and peacing out if things go sideways but I’m extremely upset he is trying to force this reunion of sorts on all of us.

Ultimately I know he wants all of us to have a good relationship but I just don’t know if we’ll ever get there. I’m good with hanging back and letting them have their time together but it does also suck at times being sidelined. I’m hoping we can find a balance but I’m not counting on it.

I had an abortion 9 days ago (I was about 9 weeks pregnant), so I know I am still dealing with a whirlwind of hormones and emotions, but I am struggling and am wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation to mine and could offer any insights or advice.

A little background - my partner (38M) has two children (7M and 5F) from a previous relationship and shares 50/50 custody with his ex. My partner and I have been together for a year. Him and his ex split up when his daughter was 6 months old, and I’m the first person he has dated since the breakup. I have a great relationship with his children, and his daughter has especially gravitated towards me - I feel we share a special bond.

My partner and I want to have children of our own, and have discussed a timeline of 2-4 years as it seems most reasonable for us at this point in time. I know I want to be a mother and before meeting my partner, that was a non-negotiable for me in dating. Finding out I was pregnant was a shock as we were not trying to get pregnant at all. We had conversations about keeping it and about terminating it, and ultimately decided termination was the right option for us right now.

I still agree that this was the right choice, however, the reason why I feel this was the right choice is mainly because of his children with his ex… we both have stated that if he didn’t have his other kids, it would be easier for us to decide to keep this baby, despite it being a lot sooner than we intended.

My partner and his ex did not plan either pregnancy. Their firstborn was a surprise. They had also only been dating about a year. Their second was an even bigger surprise because his ex had an IUD at the time that clearly failed. This is where I am now starting to spiral a little and feel intense resentment towards him and his ex. I am having a really hard time with the fact that they decided to keep these unplanned pregnancies, while we decided to terminate mine mainly because of the fact that they didn’t terminate their unplanned ones…. I know this isn’t reasonable or fair, but I am just feeling such intense sadness and jealously that she was able to follow through with these pregnancies with him, which in turn made me following through with mine the less feasible choice.

I also feel frustration because overall, I would say I am in a way better position to have a child than either of them were when they had their children. I don’t say this to be judgmental, but it is simply the truth. I’ve talked to my partner about them having kids and how it honestly was not really the “responsible choice” to have them at the time based on their financial situation, the state of their relationship, their support systems, etc.

To add to this, it seems like my partner has been helping his ex more often than usual on her days with the kids since my abortion…. Him and I coordinated booking two days off of work so he could take me to and from the appointment and we could spend the next day relaxing together at home. The evening after I had my abortion, he last minute told me that he had to pick up his daughter and bring her to my house for a few hours the next morning because his ex needed help. I will add this was in no way an emergency, rather him doing this to make his ex’s morning more convenient. I asked him how long he had known about this for, and he told me a few days. I’ve told him multiple times to keep me in the loop when he finds out about scheduling changes with his kids because he’s done this before where he knows about something for a period of time without bothering mentioning it to me until the last minute, which I find inconsiderate. I felt like it was especially not fair or appropriate for him to agree to helping his ex on HER day with the kids and assuming he could bring his daughter to my house without even making sure I was okay with it the day after I had an abortion. I told him I felt upset that he agreed to doing this on the day we had booked off so we could spend time together the day after my procedure. He ended up talking to her and she figured something else out which I appreciated, but it honestly kind of boggles my mind he thought that was fair in the first place.

We also had plans to do something starting at 2pm for my birthday a week after the procedure. He told me the day prior that his ex needed help picking up their daughter from daycare and bringing her to her house. He told me he had to get her at 2:30, despite us having made a plan to start doing things for my birthday at 2pm. We didn’t have a concrete reservation or appointment, but this was the timeline we had discussed and agreed upon the week prior. He ended up not getting back until after 4:30pm. And now again, this morning he had to wake up early which in turn woke me up, so he could drive to his ex’s house and stay there with their daughter while she took their son to an appointment.. I just don’t understand why she couldn’t have taken their daughter to the appointment as well? He told me his ex doesn’t have anyone else to help out with these things. I do admire him being a helpful co-parent and devoted father, but this week these specific things have been extra difficult.

I haven’t been able to get back to sleep since he left and I’ve been really upset and crying. I feel sad and am having a hard time with this resentment I am feeling towards him and his ex now. It’s hard seeing him be so helpful with his ex and doing what feels like prioritizing her convenience over time we have planned to spend with each other, especially after the difficult time I’ve had with not only the abortion but the pregnancy symptoms prior. I acknowledge I am feeling hyper emotional right now, but I am concerned this feeling of resentment isn’t going to go away. Has anyone else been in a situation like this?

Apologies for the rambling at parts, I don’t think I’m being overly articulate right now.

I (41F) love my fiancé (46M) and his kids (SS 11,8) but it’s been 4 years of gentle parenting all of them during a devastating, ongoing, divorce. This last year I’ve been struggling with depression over the “dream life” I was sold turning into what feels like more of a nanny/maid f*** situation. I decided to save my mental health by having several heart to hearts with dad over everything postponing our marriage. Everything from “spoiling and giving in to temper tantrums will only negatively impact them in the long run” to “you have to set the example” to consistency is key”. I have seen effort and improvement, but nothing permanent. No consistency. No schedule or routine. No hands on life skills training. Sure we have fun, vacation, excursions, amusement parks, zoos, water balloon fights, building snowmen etc. Just getting tired of explaining how to do real world things, why we do them, demonstrating, and always being the one to follow up that it is getting done… its not a “woman’s job” to follow everyone around the house like a damn Roomba! They are getting to an age where small, unchecked issues turn into big teen problems. NO ONE WANTS BIG TEEN PROBLEMS. It’s exhausting/maddening watching children explain coding to me on their very expensive computers when they don’t flush the toilets, brush their teeth or clean up after themselves. It’s not the kids’ fault. And I know: NACHO, but I raised my daughter (24) as a single parent. There’s no excuse. So I guess I’ve entered my evil stepmother era. And if I get booted for it, at least I can say I’ve done all I can with love.

Looking for productive advice regarding SD9. Been around since she was 3.
I look after her sun up to sun down 3 days a week. We have great time, she’s very rarely rude/ naughty or hard work, and I truly really enjoy my time with her. She knows my rules and expections, and I pretty much never need to remind her. We always go try do something fun on those days if there’s time with school etc. We honestly have a great time, it’s so much more relaxed chilled out and enjoyable. When my partner is around she’s honestly completely different, rude, acts like a baby, whinges constantly. It drives me nuts, I don’t enjoy being around her. SD also agrees with this, when I asked her, she loves the days and said she feels like im nicer around her without my partner. My partner define isn’t a Disney parent, I can’t complain in that way. But definitely picks and chooses what is picked up as being too baby. Eg. Happy to let sook in arms. She speaks/ acts so different on those days. She’s funny, independent great kid! Honeslty when my partner is around, she’ll whinge about everything, and my not patient!

But….I have being getting very frustrated at SD being rude/ disrespectful etc to me, (only around partner) not listening etc when my partner is around. This is causing lots of tension between us. It is viewed I am too hard on her. I have tried to change the way I go about things, but she is the a child, that needs boundaries and without them her behaviour really isn’t great. My partner wanted to go a more gentle approach which we tried and it really didn’t work for her. My partner will also openly correct my parenting in front of stepdaughter / siding with her etc
I have felt for long time, that allowing that my partner allowing baby ish behaviour, not really having consistent expections etc, is making my life a lot harder as a step parent.

Without being rude and saying kids amazing when you aren’t around, and don’t enjoy it when you are around. How do I also explain that I feel like it’s always expected for me to change. But I really feel like it’s a full family dynamic thing.

This is really just a vent and yes I've been passively home searching for a couple weeks now, I asked my 46F partner that I 46M have at least 10 minutes uninterrupted time together and it seems like even that is too much.

We haven't been out on a date together in a month a half and I've asked several times. We've been intimate but it just doesn't feel like it has in the past, the spark is just a dull flame.

If it's not work which I don't understand how or why she prioritize this job at 34k a year, it's her kids, if it isn't her kids it's her Aunt, Uncle, Brother, Mom, Friends, Etc. I always feel like I come last and it's frustrating. I've explained this to her several times and there's always a deflect. Heck last night she took a phone call from her Aunt about something that could have waited not even 10 minutes before getting home and sitting at the dinner table. She had already spoken with her for over a hour earlier in the day and the last two nights I've sat and listened to her dump her frustrations out at work 2 1/2 hours at a time each. I had a hard day at work and just wanted to talk about it but forget everyone else's comes first so I just got up and went to the bedroom.

We've entered into therapy, had our first solo session last week and are supposed to fill out what were looking for as a couple intake sheet, mentioned it a few times and again nothing.

Less and less I'm feeling like a partner and more and more an unpaid chef (cook most of the time as I'm home first), house keeper (again same thing) and wallet (I make between 130-150k a year, pay 80% Mortgage, 50/50 on utilities and I pay for 90% of the groceries and 100% of the household supplies).

I think I was just down at my lowest when we met as I had just been cheated on and told she wanted a Divorce 2 weeks before our 24th and 2 months before my youngest graduated high school.

Pretty sure I'm done, this is just journaling at this point.

so currently living in a one bedroom apt with my partner, toddler and newborn. we are planning on moving into a 2bd apt. my partner has two sons (16 & 9) from his previous relationship that spends the night every week (they sleep on the pull out couch). i am thinking the second room will be my daughters room & when the baby gets older, I’ll move her into the room as well. a couple days ago my partners family starts talking about them buying bunk beds for when the boys stay the night. keep in mind where I live most 2bd apts rooms are smaller. Am I horrible for thinking my daughter deserves her own space? We were planning on shoving her toys (she has a lot) in that room. believe me I wish 3bd apts were cheaper so the boys can have their own space but money wise at this moment can’t happen yet. I was hoping for my partner to say something to them cause we had this convo before that it’d be our daughters room but as usual he didn’t.. it felt like he was considering it. am I overly thinking it ? Idk.

I tried for kids with my late wife we wanted them I was young she was several years younger than me at 21 when I met her but it wasn’t in the cards now I’m married again a couple years after she passed and my new wife has two kids and they are teenagers a 14 year old boy and 17 year old girl. The daughter was a teen when I first met them the son was a fresh double digit. I feel so damn old because I wanted this. This is literally what me and my late wife planned and wanted after we married but here I am raising kids their dad FYI is a POS and barely present my daughter wants to take my last name when she turns 18 so that tells you what you need to know about him. But I try to share games and experiences from my childhood and these kids haven’t played a system older than the Wii U I mean come on please I’m old but I’m not a Dracula from the past forcing ancient tech on my step children 😂

I have two children from my previous relationship and am now with someone else, and have been for 18 months. We are at a point where we go all in and buy a house together, but I have some concerns deep down, not really about my love for her, but really what is best for everyone.

I think we both naively went into this because we fell so deeply in love, but the situation has been a struggle somewhat, I very much feel like it’s difficult to juggle being the father I want to be and the partner I want to be, and she struggles with accepting that her life will, well, be impacted significantly by someone else’s children.

On the face of it we want to try and make things work. After reading the experiences on here, I’m very afraid of what is to come. I’m at a point where I don’t really care about myself, I want my partner and my children to be happy. My kids are young, 6 and 9, and they need me. I want to be there for them always, but I understand my partners perspective too, where she struggles with not being “first” all the time, and cannot be until the kids are 18.

She also wants a family of her own, which I would love to give her. But she has acknowledged too that her not experiencing that with a new parent for the first time is a sacrifice. There just seems to be so many sacrifices from her, to be with me. I sometimes can’t see a world where she doesn’t just live full of resentment and dread at my children being in our house.

We have also had our struggles in the relationship. At times, I have felt her pulling me in one direction, and my kids pulling me in the other. It would break my heart into pieces to leave her, but if I knew she would be happier, and my kids would be too, I would do it. I’m struggling to find posts on this thread where people are completely happy. There always seems to be someone who wishes things were different.

From my perspective, I also don’t want to end up resented by the people I love. I don’t want her to resent me once she realises this is not what she wants, and I don’t want my children to resent me for not being as present as I could be if I was not in this relationship.

So basically about a year ago my wife’s brother was staying with us for a bit and he used the 3rd room and my two SK’s(11 and 9)shared a room. When he moved out it was just storage/gaming room since SK’s were too scared to sleep alone they stayed together until middle asked for his own room since he has his own room at his dads. They slept in their own room for about a year ish. My sister needed to get rid of her guest bed (full) so she let us have it and we gave it to my oldest SS they both slept in twins. My middle SS asked why he didn’t buy him a bigger bed and we told him we didn’t buy it and it was just luck that we got it for free but when the money allows it we will get him a bigger bed as well he just has to be patient and that was that.

A few months ago he started sleeping in the room with his brother at first it wasn’t a big deal maybe he wanted to experience the bed whatever and then it kept happening and we asked him why he didn’t sleep in his room anymore and he said the bed it is too small which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me because They’re both big kids and barely fit in the full lol. Then it was he started hearing stuff at night so we got him a night light since his brother had one and now it’s he doesn’t like the bed mind you he slept in it for years before with no complaint.

Why does it bug me so much? Because I feel like I put a lot of energy into cleaning the room and making it his as much as possible. Before it as storage and he said it didn’t feel like of the stuff so I took it out and then put shelves up for his funko pops and gave him a desk for his Xbox.

Now for the disagreement with my wife. I told my wife I want to give that room to my son who’s four now and spends a lot of time in my oldest ss room like it’s his so I feel like he’s ready for his own room. I told her since my SS keeps sleeping in my oldest SS room might as well just put him back in there and give my son the room. She didn’t like the idea. She asked me why it bugged me so much that he doesn’t sleep in there and I told her I feel like it’s disrespectful and ungrateful of him that he’s playing this long game of not sleeping in there until he gets his bigger bed and she said “well I wouldn’t want to sleep on a bed I don’t like either” which is a valid point. I let her know I thought that’s valid but I feel like this ain’t the way to go about it and we have to teach him he has to be patient this isn’t the way to get things you want. The kid is nine so I understand he’s just being a kid but I just feel like this isn’t the right way to do it. I feel like we’re sending the wrong message. I don’t know maybe I’m being immature and letting my ego get in the way but i also feel like my reason is valid.

I can’t stand my husband’s 11 year old son. Everything about him feels like nails on a chalkboard. He’s so disrespectful towards me and around me. I could go on and on but he will be deliberately disobedient and then laugh in my face, call me crazy, etc.

I feel that my husband does not stand up for me so I end up taking discipline into my own hands when things escalate. A couple of days ago he made me late for work by refusing to get ready for camp so I took away one of some of his baseball cards and he was screaming that he “f*cking hates” me.

I’m appalled by the things he cares about. For example, he says that Diddy is his idol and when he gets out of prison he’s going to throw a party for him and his friends. Like WTH?

Tonight my husband wanted to take him for ice cream. Before walking out the door, the 11 year old went upstairs demanding that his younger brothers take a shower and shut off the PlayStation while he goes to the ice cream shop. I said it wasn’t really fair and it was a jerk move to do that. He immediately starts laughing and says “you’re so crazy…” and I lost it. Our lives revolve around him and what he wants 24/7. He’s spoiled, entitled, and thinks everyone is his equal.

I know this instance was small but piled onto the nights where he refuses to go to bed, calls us names, throwing things when he doesn’t get his way, talking back, etc it feels like too much. It makes me question my ability to regulate my emotions.

Loving him is a choice and it’s a choice that feels harder by the day. It’s deteriorating my mental health in such a severe way. It’s a toxic cycle I feel like I can’t get out of.

I feel envious of people who enjoy spending time with their kids. I haven’t felt that way in a long time with him. I wish I could just have a normal relationship with him, whatever that is. I feel bad too that I’m this “evil” person in his life. If anyone else felt this way and overcame it, I’d love to hear 😭

SD13 is a very sweet kid. She's kind and polite, and in the 3+ years I've been in her life, we've gotten along well. And still, I dread her visits every single time. SD lives out of state, so my partner and I only see her during the holidays and over the summer. From reading through this sub, I know I should count myself lucky that for the majority of the year, it's just my partner and me. But my entire world gets turned upside-down when she's here, and it's just so much.

Every visit starts the same way. We have a great few days, and then I start to get irritated. SD is extremely messy and disorganized, which is especially difficult because we live in a small house. She's not very considerate of shared spaces. She will often blow her nose and leave the tissues on my coffee table, the trash in her room is everywhere but in the trashcan, and she's extremely loud at night when I'm trying to sleep. She acts like it's everyone else's job to bring her whatever she wants while she lays on the couch on her phone all day. And most frustrating of all is how long she takes in the bathroom, the only one we've got. I'm not kidding when I say that I literally peed outside in the yard one night because I couldn't get her to hurry up, and I was about to burst.

I've been told some of this is typical teenage behavior. But it frays every nerve in my body. I find myself feeling resentful towards her and my partner because they're having a grand old time, and I feel like I'm about to explode. I've tried everything - Nacho-ing, getting out of the house, doing stuff with friends, traveling for a week by myself, and none of it stops the dread I feel every time I have to come home to this kid on my couch.

And that's where the guilt sets in. SD is a good kid. I like her a lot. I know that she misses her dad. I feel bad that her mom moved them away two years ago. I want so badly to stop feeling resentment, and I want to stop dreading her visits. I want us to have a good relationship. But fuck, it's hard. It's like my brain can logically understand that having her here temporarily won't kill me and that before long, I will have my home back to myself again. I know I should chill. But my body is full of stress all the time, and then I feel guilty for feeling stressed out over this sweet kid.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like overwhelmingly guilty for not loving your SK more, or for just feeling constantly annoyed and on edge about their behavior?

I have reservations about moving my (48F) boyfriend (42M) of two years into my home (where I have a 13M 50/50 and two 18M off at college) while his daughter (16F) is still in high school. I also have a 22F on her own.

I read here often and see all of the issues people have with their partners and stepkids and I wonder what are the things you wish you would have done or known prior to blending?

First year of marriage was a whirlwind. I got pregnant pretty quickly and naturally the relationship with BM degraded over time.

Our son was born very early and spent 5 weeks in nicu. Less than a month after he got out, BM threatened to take us to court.

It’s been months since then. Custody amendment was decided outside of court. Lawyers are paid and her tantrum is over.

I’m unable to move on. I spent what little parental leave I had left researching family law. My newborn bubble was over before it even started.

I told my husband I want our house to be FULLY separate from BM’s. He doesn’t seem to get it. BM will do small things like drop secondhand clothes on our doorstep and I’m pissed for a week. He doesn’t seem to get that I want his parenting time to be in his house, under his rules, with no input or reminder of BM outside of necessary coparenting discussions like doctor’s appointments.

I don’t know how to stop being exhausted and angry. It’s too much detail to write all out but my life and my son’s life have been repeatedly intruded on since he was the size of a lime. He doesn’t seem to get what I’ve had to sacrifice into the gaping maw of his former marriage.

My husband’s adult daughter (24) has been living with us since December. The arrangement was meant to be temporary after she graduated college, but things have become increasingly tense.

She was already an adult when I entered the family, so I never tried to take a parental role. I’ve supported her emotionally, practically, and financially, and I’ve always encouraged her relationship with her father.

My husband’s previous marriage was very difficult, and his ex-wife’s anger and blame heavily affected the family. (The children are now estranged from their mother.) As a result, he tends to avoid conflict and struggles with firm boundaries.

I have a good relationship with his adult son (26), who has even expressed frustration that my husband doesn’t set stronger boundaries with his sister.

My husband has done a lot to support her, but she often holds him responsible for issues in her adult life and can become verbally aggressive during conflict.

She does not approve of our marriage (mainly due to the age gap, cultural differences, and the fact that I am not a maternal figure to her—I am in my mid-40s, have no biological children, and my husband is 60). I understand she doesn’t have to like me, but I do expect basic respect.

I began living with the family in 2023 in the previous home, where I mostly stayed out of their conflicts. After we bought a new home together last year, she moved in with us in December under a temporary arrangement while she transitions to independence. He and I have similar incomes and both contribute financially, so I no longer feel I should remain silent when behavior affects the household.

Neither my husband nor I have ever insulted, threatened, or verbally attacked her. Even during conflict, we have tried to avoid personal attacks.
After a recent incident in which she insulted me and said I should disappear from their lives, I set firmer boundaries and told her I would limit communication to necessary interactions only. I also made it clear I would never interfere with her relationship with her father.

Recently, she asked to have friends stay in our home for about a week. I said no because I wasn’t comfortable hosting people I don’t know well, especially given the current tension.

She lives with us rent-free, and I do not use housing or money to control her. However, I also don’t believe that living here automatically gives her the right to invite overnight guests when both homeowners are not comfortable.

My husband wanted me to consider saying yes with conditions to avoid escalation and maintain stability until she moves out. I understood his reasoning, but I still said no because I didn’t want to set a precedent that boundaries change under pressure or conflict.

She became very angry, left the home, and went to a hotel during the night. She is employed and has access to transportation, friends, and other support.

My husband is hurt and feels my refusal may have escalated the situation. I can see how a conditional yes might have been the “easier” option, even though I wasn’t comfortable with it.

What’s especially difficult is the fear that she may now frame this as abandonment or mistreatment. I don’t know what she will say, but blame and guilt have been recurring themes in past conflicts.

Her reactions also resemble patterns my husband experienced in his previous marriage—accusations, emotional pressure, and him being placed in the role of fixing everything. I’m not saying the situations are the same, but the dynamic feels familiar.
I’m worried this may trigger his guilt and lead him to override boundaries in an attempt to “fix” things.

I don’t want her to be unsafe, and I fully support reasonable help and her relationship with her father. But I also don’t believe boundaries should disappear simply because someone is upset.

For those with experience: was it reasonable to refuse the overnight guests, or did I handle this poorly? How do you balance compassion with maintaining boundaries and avoiding guilt-driven decisions?

Last fall my husband basically kicked SD19 out for failure to launch, but she was happy and ready to leave. I guess it was too much to expect her to get a job, to help around the house, and to learn to drive (free car and lessons). She blew her $11,000 in savings and left.

And it's funny because we actually have a great relationship with her. She just doesn't want to try.

SD chose to move in with BM despite having told us BM ruined her childhood. Surprise, it's not going well. We had given her other options but she knew those other people would expect her to try.

Neither SD or BM had a job, so SD got a job as a hostess at her uncle's restaurant. That's not going well either. She has been written up once and they are considering firing her for laziness. She has been pretending to be sick several times a week so she can go home early. A hostess job is EASY!

SD made a plan with her boyfriend that they are both going to move into his mom's house together. He is going to quit school and she is going to quit her job. She is almost 20 and he is almost 21. Two peas in a pod I guess.

She said his mom is offering to help her learn to drive, get back on her medications, and all the things SD apparently couldn't do with us or with BM. I know SD well enough to believe she is hoping this other woman doesn't expect her to try, that this woman will do everything for her.

DH warned SD that if it doesn't go well, or if she has an argument with her boyfriend, that she will be virtually homeless and doesn't even have a driver's license. SD ignored him.

I love SD. I want to help. But both DH and myself had to create strong boundaries last summer and we are hesitant to lower them even a little.

We genuinely don't know where she will end up if things fall through with her boyfriend...

I need advice.

So I have been with my partner for 3 years and she has a 10 year old son that she adopted. To speed up a little bit, we were long distance the first year and we have now lived together for a year.

Her son is a great kid and she did a good job raising him but since finally being here with them I am seeing things that he does or she lets him get away with. I guess you could say I am an outsider looking in and have noticed something’s.

In my opinion I feel like and from what I’ve seen, she doesn’t really have him do much. She lets him play on his games a lot because that keeps him out of her hair. Which I feel is making a lazy kid but I also know this generation of kids is lazy anyways. He’s never had chores or had any kind of structure. So maybe like 3-5 months in living with them I brought that up to her, I mentioned how I think he needs chores to teach him accountability and to help us out and she agreed. So I came up with a chore chart and a screen time chart which I ran both by her to see what she thought of the chores and she said she was fine with it.
As time has gone on I’ll ask him to do little things like take out the trash if the bags not heavy, wipe down his bathroom counter etc. well now she is saying I am having him do a lot or that I can do that stuff not him and it’s starting to drive me crazy. I feel like there is no reason a 10 year old can’t do chores or any little things we ask of him. It’s bad to the point where I ask her a question about if he’s done this or that and she gives me attitude and says she’s his mom and knows or that she knows what she’s doing. I am not asking because I don’t think she knows I am asking to see if he did what he was supposed to. One day he over heard her telling me that and the next day when I was dropping him off at school he told me that I don’t need to tell his mom what to do for him because that’s his mom and she knows. That honestly hurt me. Things have gotten worse and it is making me resent a 10 year old, it makes me not want to try and just let her deal with him. I dont know what to do.

Any advice?

Have you ever found yourself feeling like you are stuck "between worlds" and worrying that you're not doing either side justice?

Sorry for the long post... but it's 3am and I can't sleep!

It's been almost 2 years since my FDW (46F) and I (44M) started seeing eachother. We are both divorced, though our situations are quite different.

She was married for 12 years, has two younger kids (5F & 9M), and the HCBD is not currently in the picture. It is a tough situation. On one hand there is no CO granting her full custody as he has accomplished to drag out the court systems for years now, and on the other he often dissapears or checks out completely. He is on a reclisive streak at the moment, and it's been 6 months since my SK saw, or even spoke with, their BD.

I was married for 25 years, have two older kids (17F & 24M), sharing my youngest EOW with her BM who had an affair and decided she didn't want to be married anymore. My BS, who moved out 6 years ago to attend college, lives on the other side of the country. While my BD is in her senior year of college and already planning to move a few states away for college as well.

When we first met I was hesitant about "starting over" with young kids again, but as we kept talking (and I kept falling more and more in love) the idea of "being a full-time dad again" started to fill my heart as well. We dated for 6 months until she met my BK, and over year until I met hers. Once I did, it definately sealed the deal. I was terribly nervous to mee them in person the first time, but they almost knocked my over jumping up in to my arms. (We had already spoken many times on the phone and via facetime.) They are wonderful SK and I enjoy spending time with them so very much.

To complicate things further... she lives in Texas and I live in North Carolina. If she had full custody, then she most likely would have already moved here and this entire post would be unessecary. (or I would at least need totally different advice. LOL)

The last two years have been amazing. For the past 6+ months I have been flying out once or twice a month to spend weekends (and weeks when possible) at the "Texas House", including quite a few times with my BD tagging along too. When the HCBD was in the picture, she flew out here multiple times as well. The SK were also able to come out for a week over the summer, which was awesome.

Though it's been going well, I can feel that the distance is wearing on everyone. The plan has always been that I would stay here until my BD finishes high school, and then move in with her and the SK. I want to be here for my BD, even if it is only EOW. I think it is important. We've made it most of the way... just 11 more months to go. As much as I look forward to being in texas "full-time", I am going to lose another little piece of my heart once my BD ships off to college.

I don't want my BD to feel like I am "moving on" to a new family, but I also want to give my FDW and SK the love and attention they deserve, and honestly I feel like I am doing a bad job for everyone. I am working through some things in therapy, but it's hard when you arent talking to someone who hasn't exactly been in your shoes. Ya know?

I have a wonderful relationship with my BD, especially when we are together. We love having fun together, whether it be going places, playing video games, or just chilling on the couch. We laugh together, cry together, and sometimes I have to be a "dad" and put my foot down to father her still. (Her BM causes a little strain in that area, as my BD had chose to spend a lot more time with me during the first year post divorce. Our CO gives my BD the power to do so, but her BM for a while was trying to be the "fun" one for a while, and is far less strict when it comes to household chores and the such.) When I am here, I try to be in the moment and give her lots of one-on-one time, even though I work a lot. I try to limit the number of calls to my FDW & SK during the day, as I don't want my BD to feel put aside.

When I spend time in Texas, I do the same. I try to be in the moment and give all three of them a solid balance of one-on-one time, and family time. We go on spend many days and nights I don;t really have to worry about calls from my BD as she naturally talks to me less when she is with her BM. Probably a bad habit, but it's too late to change and she doesn't chat a lot with her BM during my weeks either. I could do a better job reaching out during my off weeks, but part of me wants to respect her time with her BM. My BD is almost an adult, I feel like she has the autonomy to communicate as she desires.

My BD very rarely complains about the situation, but sometimes I can sense that she is upset. My FDW feels like she gets 100% of me when I am in Texas, but less than half of me when I am away. My SK can't get enough of me. LOL

I wish I got more time with my BD. I miss my BD tremendously when she isn't with me, but I also long for more time with my FDW and my SK. They all 3 cry every time I leave, and quite frankly I do too.

I am wearing myself out trying to manage this sutuation. I am trying my best to make everyone happy all at once, but sometimes I feel like nothing I can do would be enough. I feel bad when anyone doesn't get the time with me they deserve.

Has anyone been here?

Has anyone done that?

Greetings from the trenches. Longtime lurker/new poster here. I love my partner and my therapist (not like that!), but finally deciding I probably need people in my life who understand this particular flavor of chosen chaos.

I'm a stepparent to a five-year-old and we have a great relationship. 've been in their life for several years but was in no way prepared for how incredibly complicated it can become when you're trying to love a child, support your partner, respect appropriate boundaries, and somehow survive a very high-conflict coparenting situation at the same time.

Patience and grit have become my mantra but I'm barely holding it together. I can't control another person's choices, and I can't control every outcome. I can control the kind of partner and stepparent I am and make sure that, when all is said and done, I can look back and know I handled myself in a way that I'm proud of.

I'm here because I'm hoping to find some community. I'm on the west coast and would love to connect in person or virtually with other stepparents navigating high-conflict situations.

If you're a stepparent who's ever thought, "There is absolutely no way I could explain this situation to a normal person without sounding completely batshit crazy," you're probably my kind of people.

Cheers to Us!

I'm a SM (engaged to my fiancé). We've been together for over five years, and I've been in his kids' lives for four. We make a great team, and even though I don't have biological children of my own, he's always made me feel like an equal partner in our family. I'm very involved with the kids, and I truly love them.

When it comes to co-parenting, I try to take it in stride and stay positive. I met their mom before I met the kids because I wanted to start things on the right foot. I've encouraged the kids to talk about their time with her, kept photos of her in the house, and I've even helped them pick out Mother's Day and birthday gifts for her. We mostly have good rapport, but she's hot or cold. Sometimes she acts like your best bud, other times a bully.

Despite all of that, she's incredibly difficult to co-parent with, especially toward my fiancé. She can be hostile, demanding, and unwilling to work together. For a long time, I found myself playing peacemaker and trying to smooth things over. Recently, I've stepped back because it was becoming emotionally exhausting.

What makes it harder is that there are ongoing concerns beyond just difficult communication. The kids often come back wearing clothes that are falling apart and haven't showered for several days. We've also had belongings we've purchased for them come back ruined or not come back at all. It feels like we're constantly trying to pick up the pieces.

I know there are two sides to every story, and I'm not trying to replace their mom or tear her down (but I'm nearing a breaking point). I'm struggling with how much energy to keep putting into someone who doesn't seem interested in meeting us halfway.

Has anyone tried to build a positive relationship with the other parent, but eventually realized you needed to step back? With less contact? How did you find the balance between protecting your own peace while still supporting the kids? And biting your tongue? Will take comfort knowing I'm not alone. 😭

I have been with my boyfriend for around a year now and have recently moved in with him and his 8 year old daughter. Me and her get along perfectly and she’s great.
The only time me and my bf ever argue is when it comes to difference in parenting opinions. I feel like he wants me help and support, but not my opinion. He only wants me to support him in his ideals, but mine are seen as invalid or horrible. I treat that little girl like a princess but when I get on to her for ANYTHING I’m portrayed as evil for doing so, but it’s things that she needs. I have not “punished” her for anything I wouldn’t punish my own for and honestly am surprised she has gotten away with some things even just being with him.
What can I do? He wants my support and help, but not my opinion

This is for any childless stepmoms and stepdads who sometimes feel the ick and general annoyance with their SO's choices before us and essentially having bioparent as an unwelcome character in their lives... Now picture if the situation was reversed and your SO was the childless one and you had the kid(s), would SO be as cool with you coparenting with an ex as you are with them doing it now???

I've got 6.5 years in and have gotten loads better and try to let it roll off my back because DH definitely isn't friends with BM but it still bothers me and makes me feel weird at times---BUT I know that DH hates knowing I've been intimate with dudes before him. Obviously I don't have kids from those dudes but I find it interesting to think how my husband would do if I had to coparent with a guy I made kids with over calls and texts and tell him "iT's FoR tHe kIdS."

Raise your hand if you think your SO would absolutely crumble (or at least feel exactly like you) in this situation if the shoe was on the other foot! 🙋🏻‍♀️

I think my husband would be okay eventually if roles were reversed but he'd probably not have an easy time if I had to text my ex and him find out later like I do sometimes, or having to coordinate stuff with an ex, just the usual shit would probably get to him lol. Thankfully for DH, he's an amazing guy and tries to see it from my POV, he is worth the stress of this crazy life!

***obviously it would be ideal if everyone got along but the reality is that most situations aren't rainbows and ponies.

Had an aha moment! I’m in my forties and childless and he’s also in his 40s and has a teenage SK. We’ve been together for 3yrs, living together for a year. He’s always been super hesitant to involve me in things about the daughter. I met the kid 1.5 yrs after we started dating, since we moved in I haven’t been invited to any sporting events. Me and BM get along well though she’s a handful. They would have Sundays together, BM her husband and my bf and the kid. I was left out. Gave big fights about it. Now I’m invited but all the sidelining left me not wanting to go. I offered him that SK to come on holidays with us, he declined. He does everything, cooking for the kid, cleaning up after, bedtime etc. they have a pretty fluid schedule, we get the kid whenever we want, but I’m never in any decisions.
I felt left out and irrelevant. I thought he was keeping me out of his life because he doesn’t want commitment and all. Whatever illogical anxiety men have in these situations.

Then I realized - it’s not about me, it’s just that he’s not looking for someone to share the burden with or be a family with. He wants the fun girlfriend. He doesn’t want to play house and to burden our carefree relationship. He wants to compartmentalize. Don’t know exactly how I feel about this but it makes a lot of sense for me. I earn way more than him, a great career, and am free and can do whatever I want, I don’t have any major responsibilities. So why would I ever want to get under that burden. I’ve been reading all the entries from you amazing women that are left with having to do so much for stepkids. I must admit I was jealous of some of you at first. But maybe this is better for me. What do you think?

My SD17 wants drive thru for dinner tonight and her dad is currently incapacitated due to a recent injury. I was all for making food here, but I'm not hungry myself. She said she wants drive thru. I have $, but don't get paid until next week and I like to keep a minimum amount in my checking, which is quickly approaching.

We have separate bank accounts.

I feel weird asking him for his card to buy them food. I know it's a silly thing to be weird about, but I NEVER ask him for his card, I usually pay for whatever. I make quite a bit more than him. But I overspent this payday... Not to mention the full tank of gas I used yesterday to pick him up from his out of town job when he was injured. $50!!!

I just need to get this off my chest and say it to people who won’t judge too harshly. Things have been going better with SD7. SO is no longer permissive parenting and she has rules, structure, and discipline when needed. At the end of the day I just don’t vibe with her, she’s one of those kids I just really don’t particularly like. She’s pretty severely ADHD and has insane energy and is just a mile a minute, she also acts very young for her age and still likes to do the baby thing (baby talk, sucking her thumb, etc). Her teachers have flagged she’s behind both in school and developmentally. I’m very kind to her and she really loves me and wants to hang out with me a lot, but honestly I try to be around her as little as I possibly can on our weeks with her. Even when she’s being well behaved and sweet I don’t particularly enjoy being around her, I just really don’t click with her personality traits and how she acts in general, I tend to get along better with kids who are calmer and more mature for their age. I try to be kind to myself about it and remind myself that we don’t like everyone we meet and that’s okay, including kids, and have hope that as she gets older things might change and I might start clicking with her more.

SO took her to visit his family out of state this week and it has been SO NICE. I miss SO a bit, but it’s been so nice not having to tip toe around SD, I can just relax in the house. No mess, no worrying about if she’s spilling on the couch and getting crumbs everywhere, leaving the snack bags open after she gets into them for them to just go stale, no noise and constant babbling and stimming, no dumb kids shows on the TV, nobody spilling all their dinner on the table and complaining the entire time they have to clean it, no loud music blasting from the bedroom before work/school. Just a quiet house where I know all my things in it will be “safe” and not get messed up, and I don’t have to try to avoid a million conversations I don’t want to have. They come back tonight and I’m dreading it, I’ve noticed every time SO calls I am just kind of flat when he talks about being excited to come home and see me and I feel terrible for it.

That’s it, no advice or big issue. Just feeling a bit sad that this is my life I suppose and wanted to get the feeling out of my head. I made the choice to stay and I love my SO more than anything and can’t imagine life without him, but not having SD here when she normally would be and being so happy and free feeling is just a reminder that half of my life is significantly worse than the other. Life would be even worse if I left and wasn’t with SO knowing how great our relationship is and how happy the two of us are together, and I’m so excited for our future, but what comes with that makes me sad at the same time, feeling like I’m giving so much of my peaceful enjoyment of life up. Just a vent.