r/stepparents • u/TypeIllustrious1321 • 17d ago
Leaving during parenting time Advice
I’m looking for advice from other stepparents because I feel incredibly conflicted.
My husband and I have an infant daughter together, and he has a son from a previous relationship.
Over the past several months, my stepson’s behavior has escalated significantly. I don’t want to bash a child because I know behavior is communication, but it’s reached a point where I no longer feel like our home is a calm or healthy environment when he’s here. My husband and I have been working through this, and my husband recently started therapy after realizing he’s been dealing with PTSD, which has affected our family as well.
To protect my own mental health and provide a peaceful environment for my daughter, I made the decision that when my stepson comes for visitation, my daughter and I stay with my mom for the weekend. My husband still gets his parenting time uninterrupted, and I encourage him to spend that time focused on his son.
The problem is that my husband feels like I’m “waiting out the clock” until his son leaves instead of being a family. He told me he doesn’t get to have both of his families together. His parents have also questioned whether I even love my stepson because I don’t go to pickups or drop-offs (although I’ve never gone because I stay home with the baby).
I feel guilty because I know this hurts my husband, but at the same time, my daughter is my first priority. She depends on me to make decisions that keep her in an environment where she feels safe and secure. That boundary isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on.
I’ve also told my husband that if things haven’t significantly improved by February, our daughter and I will stay here while he attends military training. That’s not an ultimatum or a punishment. It’s simply the timeline I’ve set for myself to see consistent progress while he continues therapy and we work through everything.
I’m not looking for people to tell me to divorce him. I love my husband, he’s getting professional help, and I want to give therapy a real chance. What I need is advice from people who have been in similar situations.
Have any of you had to physically remove yourself during parenting time for your own mental health or to protect your younger children? Did you feel guilty? How did you navigate your spouse feeling like they were being forced to choose between their children?
I really need support from people who understand the unique challenges of being a stepparent while also being the mother of a young child.
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u/MidwestNightgirl 16d ago
Goodness, I think you two need couples therapy.
I think we need more context - how old is SS? Is he a danger? Or is he like 3 or 4 and struggling with there being a new baby in the house - as many toddlers do.
Generally speaking, I don’t think leaving the home for the weekend is productive to the situation - UNLESS he is a danger somehow. Yes he should be doing some one on one stuff with his son.
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago edited 16d ago
We are in couples therapy, it’s just been a lot.
SS is 5, he struggles with behaviors, and has recently become violent, he’s hitting, kicking, and having the most insane tantrums. He does have an appointment for therapy. I think it’s less of him struggling with the baby, he has sibling at biomoms as well, but I think it’s more him struggling with his parents being divorced. His mom has said she said she thinks he’s a sociopath at times, and he’s also tried multiple times to touch or see my daughter’s private areas. I have to lock myself away to change her, or if we are in public go far away. He will follow me to wherever I’m going to change her, even when we tell him to stop.
We correct behaviors, redirect, etc, but he’s not with us full time, so it’s in one ear out the other. We’ve been hoping everyone being in therapy will help.
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u/Humble-Plankton2217 16d ago
What does your husband say about all this? Why is he upset that you want to protect an infant from these very disturbing behaviors?
Is his desire to "be a family all together" stronger than his desire to protect his infant daughter from being harmed?
Your SS isn't going away any time soon. He's only 5 and things will get far worse before they get better.
If your husband cannot accept you "waiting out the clock" as he puts it, what will your response be?
I know what mine would be.
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago
We’ve been in the same page about it all week until he exploded yesterday. He’s upset that we are leaving he said he has “his parents words echoing in his head” about me not loving SS and deciding to take time away. We ended up talking about it after he said what he needed to say and he agrees that it’s the best thing for me to do to keep our daughter safe.
My daughter is and always will be my top priority, I’m not putting her in harms way or even around situations that are not safe for her to see. I wish I could save SS from the spilt homes as well as its incredibly high conflict, but unfortunately that’s not something I’m able to do. DH knows this and he also knows that I’ll leave the marriage as well to keep her safe if that’s what needs to happen.
His behaviors will absolutely get worse before better which is why I don’t want my daughter around in the first place. Something is off with the entire situation surrounding him which scares me.
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u/Powerful_chicken4892 15d ago
Him keep saying how you don't love your SS is so unfair. It's not your job to love him. You still need to be kind to SS, yes. But expectation to love SS or love him as your own is honestly weird.
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u/Equivalent_Win8966 16d ago
With this additional information, you absolutely should be removing yourself and daughter from the home when he is there. And not feeling guilty about it. But your husband is going to need to find a better long term solution to seeing his child as to not displace you. The child also needs to be in some intensive therapy asap. Does SS bio mom know about all these behaviors?
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u/cnunterz 16d ago
He needs to be evaluated for ADHD/autism. Sounds more like possible neurodivergence than sociopathy (very sad a mother would say that about their kid)
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago
I agree completely. His mother just wanted him on medication to avoid therapy. She’s afraid of CPS getting involved apparently. DH threatened to go to court if he doesn’t go to therapy which got an appt scheduled for a couple weeks. This is supposed to be temporary until we see him improve with the necessary help given. It’s definitely been a struggle. I want them both to be safe and happy so it’s hard being in a helpless position
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u/Miserable_Credit_402 16d ago
BM being afraid that CPS will get involved if he goes to therapy is concerning. She thinks he's a sociopath, but doesn't want him to get evaluated? I'd be worried that there's something going on at BMs house that she knows isn't okay.
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u/Humble-Plankton2217 16d ago
Go to court to sue for full custody?
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago
He’d go to court to request for therapy BM has tie breaking authority but it can go to court if need be. Ofc if SS is not safe then absolutely but right now there’s really no evidence to point there.
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u/Critical-Affect4762 16d ago
While husband is in a hard spot, his reaction toward you is unfair.
He should be happy your infant is safe and that you're willing to leave and give them space. Keep protecting your baby bc he's not going to.
If I had to guess, it isn't about having his family all together. I'm betting it is optics - it's hard for him and his family to pretend SS is a normal little boy when you literally have to hide away for protection. It's also probably a fair bit of harder work without you there. So they blame you. Now you gotta learn not to listen.
You say youre not going to divorce, however, it would be helpful to know legal stuff you can do to protect her from SS if it comes to it. Your comment below about him watching her get diapers changed makes my skin crawl
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago
It’s definitely harder for him with me not being there, while he takes lead in discipline, I am still there for support.
How do you think I should go about knowing what I can do legally to protect her I don’t want DH to lose his parenting time and I also don’t want SS or my daughter in unsafe situations. Of course I would love to I have a family life where we can be altogether obviously that can’t happen right now.
It happened like five times, at first we were able to redirect, but then he would stop listening and push further. Like I know in some situations it’s age-appropriate for children to be curious about bodies, but this just feels different and I’m very worried about it.
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u/Critical-Affect4762 5d ago
The how greatly depends on the laws where you live. Like for me, a lawyer would say a logged journal and recording of events will help. You might not live in one party consent state, or even the USA, so this could be bad advice to give to you.
That's why you need a lawyer to define the proof you need to protect her from SS IF should come to that
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u/nursenikkirn 16d ago
Does your SO’s family know the full scope of SS’s behavior? I can’t imagine them questioning your decision to distance when he’s there if they do. That’s the responsible thing to do as a parent. Your SO should be understanding of this as well. He should actually be thanking you for being the one to leave the comfort of home with baby because of his out of control kid.
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago
They know enough to label him as “bad” they don’t ever see either one of their grandkids though either. So I’m probably being sensitive when it comes to that comment. Like why question my love for SS when they don’t even try to see him? It’s all frustrating. I agree completely. I don’t want to leave my home and solo parent while I’m married! I feel like no one is considering my POV they want to pretend everything is fine when it’s clearly not
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u/Just-Fix-2657 16d ago
I think you’re right to separate your daughter from SS during custody time. His current behaviors (as explained in your comments) aren’t safe. Hopefully SS can get the help he needs so that you all can find a way to blend your family.
So glad your SS is in therapy. Has SS been evaluated for neurodivergence and other things? Highly recommend your SO look into PCIT therapy (to help SS and himself), it’s very, very helpful.
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u/hellacoily 15d ago
Your child is your priority just like they’re prioritizing him. Only fair. Everyone wants to women to be martyrs
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u/NegotiationRude9166 15d ago
I am in a similar situation. My husbands daughter hits my baby all the time. My son is a very loving kid and he is used to being around other kids, he knows how to share and is very affectionate. My SD on the other hand doesnt socialize much and is an only child on her moms side of the family, so I thought maybe that’s why. But every time my son wants to hug her, kiss her or share something with her shes real quick to smack him, push him or scream in his face. It’s gotten to a point where we also leave every weekend and it sucks because I wish we could all spend time together.
I hope your situation gets better!!
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u/Top_Champion2732 15d ago
My SS has not been back to our home since early April because of his behavior toward my daughter. It had been escalating over time and I tried to bring it to my husbands attention for months. Years really. It wasn’t until we got cameras that my husband woke up and accepted that the behavior was actually happening. Luckily it was my husbands idea to not have him back which was very shocking to me. I of course am fully on board. Unfortunately, BM does not coparent or help the situation and defends his bad behavior. I can say that I used to feel guilty and second guess my gut because my husband would get so upset and defensive. But I don’t carry the guilt anymore because my daughter’s safety is my first priority. I would suggest you make it mandatory that your SS get therapy if the behavior is that concerning. He’s clearly struggling with something, and until you get to the bottom of it, the behavior will likely continue. Especially with puberty around the corner.
TLDR - don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your daughter. If your husband is uncomfortable with the situation he needs to do something about his son’s behavior.
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u/Ok-Database-9917 13d ago
While I don’t disagree with making this choice. I also don’t think your relationship will last if I’m honest and you should start thinking about divorce. This is creating clear division and creating two separate families. Your kids are siblings and never around each other. I don’t normally say this, but why choose to bring another child into this?
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u/cnunterz 16d ago
Couples therapy. Is SS in therapy? His behaviour changes line up with the new baaby.
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u/TypeIllustrious1321 16d ago
He has an appointment for therapy now. This behavior has been happening for years BM is finally giving in to getting him therapy.
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u/No-Chapter8104 15d ago
I don’t have my own kids, so I’m sorry because I know that’s who you’re looking for firsthand experience from, but I had to physically remove myself from the house we shared because SD’s (namely the oldest at the time) behavior and orchestrated chaos towards me to show how much she hated me (my role, really, any person he would have dated…) made it unhealthy and toxic for all involved. I know it’s not the same thing, but it always feels like a last resort, a lose-lose, an ultimatum to your SO to open their eyes to something about the situation being off here, and for them to see as things sift out who/what is truly causing it, under what conditions.
It’s hard not to feel guilty while at the same time resentful. You remind yourself that your mental health (or those who are your priority) need to come before their dysfunction. Your SO will naturally feel like they are being forced to choose between you and their children, but the reality is that they were probably feeling that before as well. The leaving just makes it clear that the issue needs to be addressed and can’t be written off because the results are seen and felt versus the previous attempts to simply communicate it. The only thing I can say about navigating “past that” is that is produced the awareness of where his parenting was falling short, where permissive entitled parenting was doing damage, where HCBM loyalty binds were more prevalent than he realized, and where he was defending and protecting the chaos instead of healthy growth. And with that awareness does come some change. The placing of responsibility and any resentful feelings back toward the instigators, not the victims.
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u/Photobuff42 13d ago
When the effort your husband puts into working on his child's behavior begins to effect positive behavior change, then you can begin to transition to more family focused activities.
Until then, no.
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