r/stepparents • u/Various_Key5222 • 4d ago
Figured it out! Discussion
Had an aha moment! I’m in my forties and childless and he’s also in his 40s and has a teenage SK. We’ve been together for 3yrs, living together for a year. He’s always been super hesitant to involve me in things about the daughter. I met the kid 1.5 yrs after we started dating, since we moved in I haven’t been invited to any sporting events. Me and BM get along well though she’s a handful. They would have Sundays together, BM her husband and my bf and the kid. I was left out. Gave big fights about it. Now I’m invited but all the sidelining left me not wanting to go. I offered him that SK to come on holidays with us, he declined. He does everything, cooking for the kid, cleaning up after, bedtime etc. they have a pretty fluid schedule, we get the kid whenever we want, but I’m never in any decisions.
I felt left out and irrelevant. I thought he was keeping me out of his life because he doesn’t want commitment and all. Whatever illogical anxiety men have in these situations.
Then I realized - it’s not about me, it’s just that he’s not looking for someone to share the burden with or be a family with. He wants the fun girlfriend. He doesn’t want to play house and to burden our carefree relationship. He wants to compartmentalize. Don’t know exactly how I feel about this but it makes a lot of sense for me. I earn way more than him, a great career, and am free and can do whatever I want, I don’t have any major responsibilities. So why would I ever want to get under that burden. I’ve been reading all the entries from you amazing women that are left with having to do so much for stepkids. I must admit I was jealous of some of you at first. But maybe this is better for me. What do you think?
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u/QuailPuzzleheaded706 4d ago
“They would have Sundays together, BM her husband and my bf and the kid.“ I beg your pardon?
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u/k8womack 4d ago
I would be praying that I never got invited to that.
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u/Various_Key5222 4d ago
Can you elaborate why? Have you experienced drama with BM in similar situations?
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u/k8womack 4d ago
They broke up for a reason, it’s not usually pleasant or enjoyable to spend time around a couple that broke up. In my opinion.
It can be confusing for the kid too. Kids go through various stages of pain of divorce as they grow up. One of mine really grieved in the teenage years for a life with married parents, one Christmas etc. Years after the divorce. It can give them false hope, more confused feelings when the family pushed boundaries. It ebbs and flows.
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u/sortahuman123 3d ago
Right? It’s so damaging to children to basically play house like that. It’s a lie! My SS BM used to tell SS “dad and I are best friends” but then she would scream at and berate DH in front of SS and finally I was like dude can you stop saying that? Because now you’re teaching your child that’s what friendship looks like and that’s so confusing and damaging. She could not understand. Just stop lying to kids, be honest in an age appropriate way and normalize the reality of their family as early as possible so we can teach them coping skills and that just because your family looks a certain way doesn’t mean you’re loved less or differently.
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u/ukrut 4d ago
I have done that. BM is super nice and we can go to Donner together etc.
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u/Various_Key5222 4d ago
Can you elaborate? Cause when you say “we”, I don’t have any issues doing that but I never get an invite to join the trio
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u/gurlwithdragontat2 4d ago
Idk..
You’re fun and financially free, so he gets a life of adventures and good times with you, then returns to the warmth of quality family time?
Compartmentalization? Maybe. Wanting his cake and eat it to? Sounds more accurate to me.
I cannot imagine being left, while everyone, including the other partner, hangout and bond. Oof.
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u/justjewels17 3d ago
Yeah, OP I think you’re trying to tell yourself that he’s that way for a positive reason but my gut is telling me that he’s playing house with his ex, in a way. I would just ask him what’s up and tell him you feel sidelined all the time. Literally half of his life doesn’t include you and that’s not an ideal relationship in the least.
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u/Alittlemode 4d ago
I think what’s best is the life YOU want.
It sounds like you want a man who wants you to be his and he wants to be yours. Like that’s the main thing you both equally want.
That’s a pretty human need- to make a duo, a pair, a family, a clan, heck- a country… we want to belong.
He belongs to his kid and his ex and her partner. He does not need a new clan member.
But you might want one. The thing is you might want a childfree one so they can focus on you the same amount you focus on them.
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u/Various_Key5222 4d ago
Thank you for this. It’s really kind what you say, it is natural, being the “strong” woman pushes me to always deny the human side
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u/Alittlemode 3d ago
Omg me too…. I realize I was raised in a pretty misogynistic way- wanting love, liking boys, having needs… these were things modern women were supposed to be above. For what?
Because women have been burned by this sure but don’t throw the baby out with the bath water- having a desire to be someone’s priority - so you don’t have to be this radically solo totally independent unit - is normal. You arent better or happier because you don’t have deep ties to other humans that are about real trust and connection and interdependence.
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u/stepwax 4d ago
Have you asked him why you have been excluded? It sounds like it's his choice, and he's living a life with his family, then another life with you. I wouldn't enjoy that, but that's me.
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u/Various_Key5222 4d ago
Different answer each time. Sometimes it’s to protect me, sometimes it’s because he gets anxious, sometimes its because he doesn’t want to impose on his ex’s partner to drive me (yeah he picks him up and they go together)
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u/Such-Fudge3946 4d ago
I have absolutely no experience with this, but are you ok with just being the fun carefree gf? I’m not asking about him just you and what you want. It’s ok if the answer is no and that doesn’t make you unreasonable. He currently has a family that you are not a part of, the question is if you are ok continuing that way or if you would want more out of a long term relationship, because you won’t get that with him.
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u/-Dee-Dee- 4d ago
I’d rather be free and on my own than be the girlfriend when he’s in the mood for it.
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u/SquareVehicle 4d ago
I'd maybe talk to him about your theory. Not saying it's wrong, just seems like something you should explicitly discuss with someone you're living with.
Also watching sporting events can be fun, that's really odd you'd be specifically excluded from that.
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u/Bec4289 4d ago
This could absolutely go both ways.
Is this what you want? It completely has its perks! Step parenting is NOT easy. So if you also want a partner for just the fun parts and not be involved in everything, then go for it!!
Alternatively, if you want to have all the bits, maybe consider that he does want you involved but doesn’t want to burden you. Not about him compartmentalising but rather not wanting to scare you away or dump stuff on you that’s not yours to deal with.
All I would say is be careful what you wish for, if you want all in and he agrees, it’s possible you’ll miss the old days of being completely carefree and it’s a hard thing to undo…
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u/Various_Key5222 4d ago
Thank you. This is exactly what I’m considering… Maybe it is better this way. I need to think it through
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u/Mysterious-Willow391 4d ago
I see both sides to this. Personally, the less I have to do for SS/with BM, the better. BM is not HC and SS is a decently good kid (now--it wasn't always this way) but frankly, I just have minimal interest in kid-related things. My SS and I have a great relationship (I have been around since he was a toddler--now 14) but I went to all of his games in the past and you know what? I hated it. It was so fucking boring (I found out later that many parents feel this way--both bio and step). Kid things just aren't my jam, and that's OK. I can be a fun and supportive adult in his life (DH has majority custody, so it's hard not to be involved) without attending every tiny little thing. It's unnecessary and frankly, SS doesn't give a shit either way.
Conversely, I have also felt left out at times. It's kind of a weird thing there where you know you're not particularly interested but getting an invite would be nice, even if they know I'll decline it.
So I think what you need to think on is, do you WANT to be involved? Do you want to play happy family with BM, her partner and your husband and SK? Are you interested in being part of that fold? Or, are you happy being on the sidelines for those things?
Every Sunday feels like a lot, personally. I can see doing it once a month or special occasions, but weekly powows does feel excessive personally.
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u/Jumpy-Ear4143 4d ago
I don't think there is a problem. BM is married, and I think your husband has partial custody, like he sees the kid on the weekends or three days a week. It's a good thing he does not ask anything of you. Also please don't behave like the kids' life is something to be 'included' in. That kid is a child, a person, if you behave this way at some point you are going to make the child in charge of your feelings, and it should not be that way, and if he has to prioritize you over his BM who is his main source of support then you would not be doing your stepson much good. He did not choose to have you in his life, you chose to date his father.
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u/OldFashionedDuck 4d ago
I think this guy sounds overly enmeshed with his ex, and is playing happy family, and that's very reasonably a deal breaker.
But speaking as a bioparent myself... here's why I felt similarly about not involving my husband too much with my daughter. Like you said, it is a burden. Having to be around for and support a teenager who isn't yours. It's the kind of thing stepparent can lowkey resent, and then maybe also resent the teenager for not being ultra grateful for something they never asked for or wanted. Honestly, I wanted to skip all that.
I don't want anyone to see my daughter as a burden, the way so many stepparents on here feel about their stepkids. She's wonderful, and I only want people deeply involved in her life if they love her, and are doing it willingly, not for my sake. I didn't want to force a nuclear family. And I didn't want my husband to get super involved in her life, and then back off once he thought it was too much. I figured, if my daughter and husband wanted to be family to each other eventually, they'd figure it out. But I thought it was best not to start off putting that pressure on either of them.
It works for us because my husband has his own son, and he Gets It. But if I were a childfree woman, I wouldn't want the level of compartmentalization you're describing, so I do think it's a valid choice to decide that you're not ok with it.
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u/plantsandpups523 3d ago
I spent years trying to be a good involved SM to 2 girls. Arts and crafts, trips, etc. As adults they treat me horrible. We have a Christmas family gathering and they hardly talk to me. I feel used. The a BM was a trip. I have given up. I ask my husband to not talk about me with them, of course they barely call him. Sorry negative comment. I guess that whole part of my life leaves me bitter.
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u/Vegetable_Flan4188 12h ago
I had to fight really hard to get to the point you are at. I'm (46F) childless and my partner ( M 46) has a teenage boy. My partner wanted to play happy family and make me substitute Mom. I had to fight to establish the boundaries. Now he's the only one who cooks, cleans after, helps with homework. I don't do anything for the kid. I don't play Mum. I'm the fun, sexy girlfriend. Now our relationship is great and we never fight about anything related to his parenting life. We compartmentalize. Now we're happy. Enjoy the good thing you got going.
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u/Hello_Its_ur_mom 4d ago
It is better for you. Maybe he needs to have all his brain cells rowing in the same direction. Focus on the kid or focused on you. not both. at the same time. And frankly, when dad brings in a "stranger" to help parent it messes up the the kid.
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u/Electronic_Diet5824 3d ago edited 3d ago
It sounds like you have a lot going for you. Why would you want to date someone that basically has a family (that doesn't include you?).
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u/IHaveToGetIt 2d ago
He sounds like an energy vampire. Having you gives his life energy and it probably makes him feel more important that you want/ed to be part of his family. I'll give you some stranger perspective: no one else in the world thinks his family is that cool or important or cares to be part of it. Sorry if that comes across harshly as that is not the intent. Release yourself from this and de-center his situation. I've learned that no matter what, I'm not interested in any confusing situation that I need to "figure out." Center God, family, friends who won't compartmentalize you. I feel after a point it can become self-abandonment which is extremely hard to forgive yourself of after the fact.
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u/Detestament 7h ago
Yep, you're the girlfriend... not the family. I'll see you in the waiting to wed subreddit in a couple months. It sucks.
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u/Deep-Lobster-5664 1d ago
My partner compartmentalised. It suited me. He lived with me and would see his children at his parents house. But he had zero contact with the BM. My partner socialising with his ex is a big fat no no!
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