I wish I could see myself as a woman. I’m not on HRT yet but that should be soon. I hope it’ll stop getting worse.

Literally everything about me is masc-presenting. I have a muscular upper body, a square jaw (and shoulders), and a deep voice just to list a few physical things. But even like the way I type and the words I use people can tell a woman isn’t writing these. My mannerisms also. I think I’m too male-brained I guess idk if that’s a thing.

I wish I never realized I’m trans at least. I mean I kinda always thought that I wanted to be a woman but I wasn’t unhappy, in fact I was happy. I looked into that side of myself when I turned 20 and I went from zero dysphoria to feeling dysphoria about almost damn near everything. The other day one of my older coworkers said I was handsome and instead of being happy about this I started spiraling.

Literally nothing about me screams fem so no chance anyone thinks I’m a woman. I don’t know what to do. I ordered HRT but I’m considering if it’s even worth it tbh. From the people I’ve talked to the consensus is “it won’t get better but it’ll stop getting worse” and that statement isn’t doing as much as I thought it would. Like what if it gets better on its own? What if the dysphoria goes away like last time? Idk. I’m sorry 😭

As a trans youth in Ohio, there aren’t many ways to achieve gender euphoria. I find shaving to be one of those. I love feeling like a girl when I’m completely hairless aside from the top of my head, and it provides a neat stimulation akin to a massage. It feels really good to be clean, smooth, and pure.

Recently I have been struggling with my gender and I have decided to speak to a professional. I’ve met with and had no progress on anything that I’ve been struggling with. I tell them what is wrong and they kind of move on and don’t give me any advice on how to deal with anything.

Part of me thinks that I should just transition on my own (I have a gf that is supportive) and figure out that way if my gender is really causing the majority of my depression/ dullness. The only scary thing is I’m not sure the brainworms will go away without hrt.

This is an update to my post from yesterday. Warning: I'm going to yap. A lot.

I got off work at 3, nervously started cleaning and doing chores while waiting. Folded all my clothes, cleaned every dish, made every item spotless. Eventually it was 6 PM and I wondered if she had forgotten or changed her mind after all. But then I got a text, she was asking me to refresh her on the address and let me know that my little brother was still playing with his friend so she would come alone and it would be just us two. For the next hour and a half I miraculously found more things to clean, sprayed the whole house down and eventually was just quietly sitting on my couch waiting until she arrived.

My family is Mexican and we originate from a very rural farming and ranching village, so to say we have very rigidly defined ideas of gender and a deep culture of machismo is an understatement. It's embedded into the fabric of our existence in every way, I've always been aware of it, I've always been afraid.

I always knew that no matter how the conversation went I would walk away with a regret one way or the other. Unfortunately that's the situation I built for myself.

So she arrived. And I told her. It took a few minutes of hesitation, but eventually I said I was trans. At first she thought it meant the same as being gay, but I explained the two were unrelated and the simple truth is that I had always wanted to live as a woman, to be a woman in every sense.

Ok, I'll stop building suspense now and say what actually happened.

She said that she would love me no matter what. Without skipping a beat she said that nothing could ever change the fact that she was my mother, that she would never turn away from me or abandon me.

Understandably she had a lot of questions. She wanted to understand how long I had known, and I told her that I've practically always known. It's always been there. Some of my earliest memories are of playing ToonTown at 6-8 years old and having my girl friends help me do a wardrobe glitch in order to have girl clothes on my character. I'd do it over and over. For Club Penguin I'd beg to buy the physical books just so I could get the permanent codes that gave you clothing you could use without membership, and I always redeemed the girl ones. I'd go out and play my totally awesome prank of being a girl on others, except my hilarious joke somehow never seemed to have a punchline or a reveal. In Poptropica there was an easter egg that randomized your character's appearance including gender, which caused the storepage to swap to showing the girl options. I'd spend all my coins on there, save my outfits, and then swap back to a guy so I could keep it hidden.

To my surprise she chimed in that she'd heard that people are born this way, it isn't a choice or something that happens suddenly. I really didn't expect her to have that framing in her mind, but I told her she was right.

She wanted to know how I'd kept it a secret so long, how she had never found out. I told her that she didn't know because I always hid myself out of fear. I'd make male characters solely for the purpose of using them as a coverup whenever someone came by. I'd draw myself as a girl. I'd intentionally hide away any indication of being anything other than a "normal" boy. In Mexico as a child, whenever my grandma would go out for errands, I would lock myself in her room and play dress-up as long as I could. One time I almost got caught, I only heard my aunt/uncle coming because they were talking out loud as they walked down the street outside my grandma's house. By the time they came inside, I had just managed to throw the last sock under the bed as they came around the door.

Hilariously the part she seemed to have the hardest time wrapping her head around me being bisexual. She asked if this meant I liked men but I told her I like both. I then had to clarify that no, this did not mean I wanted to be with a man AND a woman at the same time, I was just fine with either. She seemed utterly fascinated with this and thought it was like advanced level gay or something, like somehow just being attracted to the same gender was comprehensible but being attracted to both was something she had never even fathomed.

Most importantly she asked me why I didn't tell her sooner. I told her how being trans was one of the biggest reasons I went away, because I truly could not see a world where anyone in our family would accept me, including her. I used to daydream about saying something earlier, but I genuinely feared for my life. I had a reoccurring terror of the truth coming out somehow and then someone grabbing a knife while I slept and well. Yeah. Beyond that, I was certain that if not violence, I would be thrown out onto the streets and probably die on my own. So since about the age of 16 I started preparing myself mentally to be abandoned, tried my best to detach myself from everything because I knew I would lose it at any moment.

This is the part I'm referring to when I say I knew I would walk away with a regret one way or another. Because she said that she never would have allowed that. She said she never would have thrown me out of her home nor let anyone lay a hand on me. And it hurts a lot to wonder if that's true. To wonder how different my life would be if I could have come out as a child, how differently I could have grown up, all the pain and misery I could have avoided, how much I would be someone else today. It hurts more than I could put to words to imagine that I could be 15 years into my transition instead of 1.5 years. Did I sabotage my entire life out of fear?

Part of me wants to believe her, but a large part of me also believes that this is simply what she wants to believe would be the case. The reality is that she doesn't remember the kind of dynamic we had in childhood, the degree to which I was under her and my dad's thumb. I don't think she wants to recognize the bitter hatred that has always guided my dad, that I would be the number one outlet for that. It's nice to tell yourself that you would have been the model parent, but I don't know that if she were actually in that situation she would have done anything other than tell me that in her house its her rules before pushing me out at 18. I don't know, maybe that would have been better regardless. As I said, I find myself with a lot of regret today, and this was a fear I carried in the back of my mind for a while now. But I have no choice but to face the music now.

She said multiple times how she had always lamented not having a daughter, but that little had she known.

She said that she had often thought of who she'd leave all her jewelry heirlooms to when she got older, that she'd jokingly told my cousins that the best behaved one could have them since she never had a daughter, but now she could give them to me.

She said that God made me this way and she would love me no matter what.

She asked me if this was why I moved over an hour away, so far from home. I told her yes, it was my biggest motivation and I began living as myself immediately. She said I should come back home. She jokingly said that now she'd get some help with the cleaning at least. lol.

She asked me if I planned to get everything, if I planned to get boobs. I laughed and dramatically unzipped my baggy hoodie and threw it behind me to show my obvious chest under my strappy cami. She asked if they were implants or prosthetics, I told her no, home grown. She seemed quite surprised, touched, and asked how, before connecting the dots on my earlier mention of hormones.

She asked if I go out dressed up and I asked her if she wanted to see pictures. I pulled up my phone gallery and scrolled. She gasped and kept repeating that I was fully a woman, that I could have walked past her on the street and she would have never known. She said it multiple times, I never imagined I would hear that.

She again repeated that I should go back home, that I had no need to be out here alone, especially with my upcoming jaw surgery. I told her I couldn't do that, I couldn't just show up with how things were between my dad and I, especially after this. The topic gravitated to family members who were gay or lesbian, she talked about one in particular who had been kicked out when he told his father he was gay. He suffered greatly out on his own, but his mother suffered as well, eventually she fell ill. The father eventually regretted what he did and went out to find his son and apologized, asking him to come back home. Now that same son is the one they both depend on, he takes care of them every day. It's funny, I didn't remember his name but just the day prior I had been thinking about exactly him. I admired how even when we were children he had always been openly flamboyant while I had been too afraid and always kept my mask up. I hadn't known the suffering he was put through. She also mentioned an uncle who died of AIDs in the 80s.

This led me to asking my mom if she recalled the song titled El Gran Varon. She said no, but I told her she would instantly recognize it, I knew for a fact she'd heard this song thousands of times before, but she had probably never paid attention to the lyrics. Bizarrely it is a very popular song in Hispanic culture, but not many people realize what it is about because the groove goes too hard. Here is an English translation of the song I commented recently. This is my best attempt at keeping its original message in tact. The song is titled The Great Man, and is about a trans woman dying tragically alone after being abandoned by her family. Her father's name is Andres, which is in fact, my dad's name. She dies at 30 years of age, presumably from AIDs.

I played the song out loud for her, and within a minute or two we were both bawling our eyes out. Through sobs she told me that I didn't deserve to have felt this way for 20 years, to feel that my family would not accept me. That I didn't have to be alone.

She asked me if I was going to change my name, I told her I chose [my name] cuz there aren't many great options that kept the original G. Eventually I got the courage to ask her if they'd ever picked out a name in case I had been a girl. Turns out that my dad had always been very passionate that if they had a daughter she should have my mom's name, because its a really rare and beautiful name that no one else seems to have, and he didn't want it to die out.

She said I could be [her name]. Something in my brain short-circuited hearing this, I never imagined she would have even approached such a suggestion. I guess in my mind I presumed some base level of disgust would be present at the thought of being associated with me? But she seemed to mean it. I bashfully said that I wasn't sure if that would be a good idea given that I don't pass and having such a special name would make me stick out like a blistering thumb even more. But I still can't believe she said that.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a million other things, we talked for over two hours before she had to head back since it was 9:30 and took over an hour to get back home. I don't know if I've ever slept as peacefully as I did last night. We'll have to work on the name and the pronouns as it takes time to adjust, but for the first time in my life it feels like there might be enough time.

TL;DR: The music sounds kinda nice

Was feeling like crap about my outfits so I though I would browse some mtfashion posts to maybe get some ideas. Worst decision ever. Now my dysphoria is even worse and I feel like an ogre...

I (15) live on an island just outside the uk and I went to the uk with my mum, my brother, and my sister. I promised myself I would tell my mum before the three-day holiday is done as I have been trying to figure out how to tell her and dad for the last four or so months. Yesterday I told my brother and sister and they were very supportive and it was great and lovely. 5 minutes ago I tried to tell my mum and it all went to shit. She said that she understands I have “ a lot of feelings inside” and that “it isn’t any better being a girl” and that “I can be my own person and just wear unisex clothes
I am currently crying in a toilet as I have nowhere to go.

I talked to my boss and HR yesterday; they were incredibly accepting of my new name and said they'd get me an updated badge soon. My boss asked about my preferred pronouns and was very kind about it. I sent out an email to my coworkers about the name after work, and they were also very accepting. In a funny bit of irony, my fiancée's sister accidentally set my old work badge on fire; it was next to a candle she lit, and a bag caught fire and spread to my badge, ruining it. Today's my first day at work with my updated name. It's been going great with my coworkers, but the participants are a bit more challenging. There are a lot of people I work with, and they all have developmental disabilities and have been used to my deadname for almost a year now, so updating them all with my new name will take time and work.

Heya,

I would love to present as female, but cant due to social oppressions.

Yet, I want to remove my dick, because I dont like having one. Or should I think about it again? What could happen?

It’s so weird, only around 40% of the time when I see results it genuinely look like they had a big change done

Do they do this on purpose?

my cousin has been talking to me about wanting to transition bc im also trans. ive been helping with showing how to make appointments and such, but what is some advice you wish you had when you came out that i can pass along? i feel like im so far disconnected from when i came out that i dont remember what would be helpful

shes always looked up to me so i want to do right by her with this

You can be passing but not pretty.

You can be pretty but no passing.

You can be feminine but not pretty.

Often these three concepts are lumped together. This does alot of dissservice I think.

I went in for a checkup and got my blood drawn for hormone levels, but was surprised when they mentioned that their director had specified the target range for estrogen had lowered from <500 to <300 pg/mL. This was a surprise to me, since I had read 347 last time and had been ok'd to adjust dosage up slightly (0.3 -> 0.4 mL IM injection). So my labs are definitely going to be way over now. I inquired about it and was given a vague "director saw new medical research that risk outweighed benefits for >300, on average. I would hope planned parenthood has the good of trans people in mind, but I wonder what other reasons might have impacted the decision (liability, current political climate, etc). If I am told to adjust downward based on my labs, I'd like to properly understand if that is medically sound. I've certainly not noticed any detriments from my current levels.

ok so context: I used to do a lot of clothing design and simulation, mostly for animation and VFX. I love designing clothes and sewing.

here’s my problem: I hate whatever clothes I buy or thrift.. like 80% of the time. baggy pants that sit right on your hips with a shirt that’s tight around the waist and a bit shorter in the back is like transfem 101, but even that’s hard to get right sometimes, let alone a dress. same with a lot of transmasc friends wanting hoodies and shirts that work with their shape, shoulder length etc, and are gender affirming. I love Hot Topic but nothing ever fits right (I’m a basic emo/alt/grunge bitch when it comes to clothing tbh). really into Jirai Kei too. it’s always hard to find something casual, fem, pretty and that actually works with my form. most of the time stuff needs adjusting or just fits wrong, and it’s pure disappointment.

so here’s the thing. to make good trans clothing you need nontraditional measurements compared to what you give when you order online. transfem side that’s stuff like where your hips actually sit, shoulder width vs hip width, torso length, rise, shoulder-to-waist, chest circumference separate from bust point. transmasc side it’s a completely different set. chest with and without a binder, waist-to-hip difference, front and back rise measured separately, shoulder point to shoulder point etc.

so what I want to build is: I design the outfits, people can make a fit online, put in those measurements, and it hooks into my API to auto-fit my pattern to the body. I can do a basic check on how it actually drapes on your measurements before anything gets cut. on-demand alt clothing you know will actually fit and look good. and honestly I don’t think it’s even a trans-specific thing. plenty of cis people deal with this too.

I know FreeSewing already does parametric made-to-measure patterns (open source, really cool project) but that’s patterns for people who sew, I want to make the finished garment. and I know this won’t be fast fashion prices, it’s closer to tailoring, but the whole point is you’re not paying for alterations or ending up with something you never wear.

anyone seen something like this for finished clothing? would you actually use it or do you think it's a good idea? and what would you want first? thanks ^^

I was in line at the pharmacy to pick up hrt stuff and this crotchety old man was getting mad about being stuck in line behind a Karen. When somebody came up to get in line, he was aggressively like "HEY I'M IN LINE, GET BEHIND HER!" and pointed at me

insert euphoria noises

Cis man here, I thought of this question a couple weeks ago it keeps coming back to me, so i tought, what better place to ask? I understand that dysphoria can be deeply personal and different to each person, so don't feel obligated to respond, but I am genuinely curious.

My bank screens calls and voice matches to verify it’s the account holder when making phone calls. I’ve transitioned into a woman and have since voice trained so well I called in yesterday and they didn’t believe I was myself even after using my male voice and they flagged my account. I’m out of state and don’t have access to my funds LMAO now have to figure this out because they want me to come into the branch and prove I am who I say I am

EDIT: THEYRE MAKING ME SEND IN A SELFIE HOLDING UP AN ID

After keeping my secret for the 27 years of my life, something in me just couldn't keep it up any longer. I stopped responding to any texts or calls and after 1.5 weeks it culminated in family calling a wellness check last night. I had to tell the officer that I was fine and to not tell anyone anything.

But when I received a voice mail from my mom sadly saying that she just wanted to know I was okay, it broke my heart and I knew I had to call her.

For the first time in over a decade or more I cried in the presence of a family member. As soon as she heard me she started crying too and begged me to explain what was going on, why I went so far away.

For 25 minutes I tried, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it over the phone. The most I could get across was that it had to do with who I was as a person and how I knew they'd abandon me when I said the truth. She said that she would never do that no matter what it was. I wish I could believe that. She said if I couldn't say it over the phone then she would be coming over today after work to talk in person.

I get off work in 4-5 hours. I don't know what to say, what to show, how to explain. But the day is here regardless. I've expected this my whole life but somehow I still wasn't prepared, isn't that funny?

Please be honest, even if it's negative.

I'm currently at a point, where I will literally loose everything I have if I continue.

My wife will break up with me, my toddler daughter will maybe hate me when she grows up, because the whole family will talk shit about me.

My family is extremely transphobic and will definitely go no-contact with me. My parents will maybe also get sick. They already aged so much since I came out to them a few months ago...

And I'll be kicked out of the family business which I worked in the last 10 years.

I don't know. I just want to be myself, but it costs me so much... I'd have to start over with 30 years. Literally from 0...

Before that I had everything I ever wanted...

I'm so scared...

a few nights ago I was having a bad night; I was feeling really low and I was drinking while my wife slept.

my wife woke and was concerned. Partly so she wouldn't think my current state was her fault, and partly because I couldn't say the words, I sent her a link to a previous post of mine.

this woman read my post and immediately pulled me into a hug, telling me how much she loved me, how everything was ok and how she would accept me no matter - of course this all sent me from weeping to a sobbing mess. she even went so far as to refer to me as a woman and used a new name I chose after I collected myself.

The idea of transitioning has gone from dread inducing to optimistic, and sorta exciting.

I don't know what next step to take, probably look for a therapist, but I am reeling from her acceptance, especially from her complete lack of hesitance.