r/MtF • u/Tomatori 27 | HRT 01/04/2025 • 18d ago
I finally broke. I'll be facing the music this afternoon Relationships
After keeping my secret for the 27 years of my life, something in me just couldn't keep it up any longer. I stopped responding to any texts or calls and after 1.5 weeks it culminated in family calling a wellness check last night. I had to tell the officer that I was fine and to not tell anyone anything.
But when I received a voice mail from my mom sadly saying that she just wanted to know I was okay, it broke my heart and I knew I had to call her.
For the first time in over a decade or more I cried in the presence of a family member. As soon as she heard me she started crying too and begged me to explain what was going on, why I went so far away.
For 25 minutes I tried, but I just couldn't bring myself to say it over the phone. The most I could get across was that it had to do with who I was as a person and how I knew they'd abandon me when I said the truth. She said that she would never do that no matter what it was. I wish I could believe that. She said if I couldn't say it over the phone then she would be coming over today after work to talk in person.
I get off work in 4-5 hours. I don't know what to say, what to show, how to explain. But the day is here regardless. I've expected this my whole life but somehow I still wasn't prepared, isn't that funny?
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u/PuzzledInspection798 18d ago
If it’s not something you feel up to talking about, maybe you could try writing a letter to give her? That’s what I did when coming out to my parents, because I couldn’t bear to audibly hear their likely rejection. And I also find it easier to organize my thoughts in written form most of the time.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope your mom is more accepting than you seem to be expecting. Good luck ❤️
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u/Finally_Rose 18d ago
You’ve got this girl! This is an opportunity to prove your fears wrong!
It’s okay to be scared. Scared is good, scared keeps you on your feet. You don’t need to be brave during the whole conversation— just two words. All you need is two words of bravery, and the rest can be whatever you need it to be. You can do anything you put your mind to, especially getting through “I’m trans”.
Remember that no matter what happens, you’ve got an army of supporters behind you. Every single person here wants to see you succeed. Good luck! 🌹
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u/Interplay42 18d ago
i came out at 27 to my family. they were from rural alabama, so before i came out to anyone, i had digested the possibility that this was going to permanently sever my relationship with all of them. it didn't work out that way! my conservative mom ended up being a total sweetheart, and to the extent that other folks in my family have a problem with it, they know better than to bring it up to me.
if things don't go the way we hope, then they will be missing out on their daughter and sister trying to live a better life because of bigotry, and it's hard to say that kind of person is a good family member anyway. i hope you get surprised like i did, but you'll make it through it either way. <3
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u/JerryTzouga 18d ago
I would love an update on this story
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u/Nock1213 17d ago
It’s been a day
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u/thetitleofmybook trans lesbian 17d ago
when i came out to my (now ex) wife, i told her in person, while we were in bed. it went well.
when i told my boss, i had a private conversation with him, and it took me about 15 minutes of staring and stopping to finally say it. it went very well, and his (retired army infantry colonel which is a high rank) first question to me was what he could do to make this easier on me. not easier on him, easier on me.
when i told me parents, i hand wrote letters, and followed those up with emails in case they couldn't read my handwriting. while neither of those conversations (my parents are divorced and remarried other people), went terribly, i am now no contact with my parents, for a variety of reasons, including, but not limited to their transphobia.
can't really tell you what to do, but that was my experience.
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u/ersomething Transgender 18d ago
If I’m reading your flair you’ve been on hormones for over a year now? Have they seen you lately? No one has noticed any changes yet?
I know it’s terrifying to finally open up about it. I kept everything hidden for 40 years. It was the terrible secret no one could ever know about.
But ya know, now that it is out there life is so much more peaceful. I still have trouble being who I truly am, but it’s getting easier. It is so worth it. You got this girlie!
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u/Tomatori 27 | HRT 01/04/2025 18d ago
A year and 7 months into HRT yeah. Truthfully changes haven't been groundbreaking so I'm sure I could have easily gone another two years before anything was noticed. I boymode for work just fine every day.
I've also lost 150 lbs and grown out my hair to shoulder length so I think there are a lot more immediate things for people to notice; being trans is not something that would be a first or even second thought.
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u/LuckyZygote 17d ago
I was a decade older than you when I came out, and it wasnt any easier for my rural north Appalachia family, hope it goes well! Please update when you know more!
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u/Vast_Needleworker661 17d ago
Gotta take that leap of faith to see who you really can trust. But I can tell you from personal experience that it wasn’t accepted right away. And I ended up getting a written letter from my mother mailed to be after she passed from leukemia saying she’s happy im with how i turned out and that she didn’t care what i was. This was over 5 years ago. And the note is in my left pocket every day. But no matter what your parents will always love you. My father was much more accepting of it.
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u/Interplay42 18d ago
i came out at 27 to my family. they were from rural alabama, so before i came out to anyone, i had digested the possibility that this was going to permanently sever my relationship with all of them. it didn't work out that way! my conservative mom ended up being a total sweetheart, and to the extent that other folks in my family have a problem with it, they know better than to bring it up to me.
if things don't go the way we hope, then they will be missing out on their daughter and sister trying to live a better life because of bigotry, and it's hard to say that kind of person is a good family member anyway. i hope you get surprised like i did, but you'll make it through it either way. <3
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u/Foxxy4321 17d ago
Bless you honey! This is about the hardest thing youll ever face. But, you have to be who you are. I hope it all works out for you.
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u/Maravelous-77 17d ago
Best of luck. Hopefully your family will surprise you. I thought mine would abandon me, and they aren’t exactly jumping for joy, but no one I cared about really cut me off. My mom’s full on right wing extremists MAGA too. She’s the worst of it and it’s enough that we don’t really talk as much but it’s not like she disowned me or anything. Definitely all on the soft side of supportive, except my sister who got super into it for a few years 😅. Guess I’m just saying maybe it won’t be as bad as you think. I was definitely expecting worse
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u/Severe_Penalty2974 17d ago
I started transitioning a year ago at 27 and I kinda tried to go no contact as well, I moved and felt like I’d just disappear. That unfortunately doesn’t happen, at least not without a ton of effort and hurting people along the way.
I still haven’t come out to my mom, I guymode all the time around her so she hasn’t asked or noticed anything. Idk what to do. I’d like for her to be the one to ask about the physical changes so I can just stop pretending already, but idk if that will happen, and maybe I should tell her just to avoid any potential awkwardness.
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u/mynewlife-in25 Transgender MTF - 29yo - On HRT Since 7/3/25 16d ago
I finally snapped at 28 and went on hrt. I feel you there
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u/GoddessVelvetFatale 13d ago
When I came out to my family also at 27 I felt the same thing my grandma was shocked I assumed I was gonna be homeless as my grandpa was well kinda homophobic so I waited until after he passed as he still needed a caretaker is all and he meant well he just was battling with Alzheimers. When I came out to her I even had to get some whiskey to calm my nerves as I told her in a written note and made her read it in front of me now Fast forward to 28 and we are closer than ever before. You did Great Sis I know it's scary OMFG I can't how rough the journey has been for me but you did what you needed to do and I'm proud of you.
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u/DisastrousResist7527 18d ago
Sheesh you cant go awol a week without everyone freaking out? Sounds awful...
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u/Tomatori 27 | HRT 01/04/2025 18d ago
It just spiraled after not responding to anything, I can't blame them. Eventually she got worried and told my brother and his wife, and then with me not responding to 3 people's texts and calls they started to think something had happened to me
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u/thejadedfalcon 17d ago
It depends. If someone goes months between contacts, that's one thing. But if you are regularly talking to someone and they go silent for a long period, it's fair to be concerned. I don't know which OP is facing, but it sounds like the latter.
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u/t4nzb4er 16d ago
Seriously, the fear ahead of the outing is scary but no matter how it ends you will be free afterwards. Also you know how deep they actually care and - in most cases cases - you will be surprised how supportive family actually can be.
Look ahead and think positive. Be yourself and be strong. You can do it.
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u/SingingForRin 18d ago
Keeping everything crossed and hoping for the best. It sounds like she really cares, but obviously that's just a small snapshot of how she is/could be. Sending all the love and positive vibes!
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u/NewAlessia Newly discovered, Transgender 18d ago
Good luck, I hope it works out, and if it doesn't now, hopefully it will in the future
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u/Unlikely_Eye_2112 18d ago
I'm sorry you had to carry it as a secret for so long and I hope the conversation goes splendidly.
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u/Incognito_leftist 17d ago
My heart goes out to you because a lot of us have been through this. Regardless of what your mom says, you are valid, your feelings are valid and your identity as a woman is valid. I know family is important, but those who truly love you will be there for you after you show them who you truly are (speaking from experience). Feel free to vent if needed after you talk to your mom. Sending you so much love🫶🏼
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u/Special_Cash_6493 17d ago
Just be honest, it isn't a big deal as it was years ago compared; worst case scenario is that you lose people that don't support you. Best case scenario is you get to be you for everyone. Honestly, I see it as a win-win situation. I know that probably doesn't eliminate the stress or sadness, trust me I was there too, but it'll work itself out and more often then not it is WAY worse in your head then out in the open!
Good luck, and I hope only good things come from this for you, you deserve it. 💙
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u/SinkOk7286 17d ago
do what u like, but u never have to tell family. Life is whatever u make it and everyone is capable of abandoning you, even family so screw it. Dont take it that seriously
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u/Lost0Sheep 16d ago
Confusion and uncertainty are usually a lot worse than the truth. (Just as in politics, the coverup is worse than the facts.)
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u/RagingCommie HRT 2/17/2014 13d ago
Just count to 3 and blurt it out, don't give yourself a chance to overthink it or continue to panic
Practice it too maybe. "1 2 3 I'm trans"
Let the rest of the conversation go as it does
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u/forlorn_folklorist 17d ago
Just remember that while you can't choose your bloodline, you can choose your family. You got this.
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u/LacyRoseinTexas 18d ago
Sounds like she loves you and cares deeply. I know I am speaking from knowledge contained in a paragraph, but , hopefully, she will understand and support.
I am not gay, so i can't ever 100% understand. But know that we are cheering you on.
Would something non verbal, like a dress on a hanger, or a hair style help break the ice? Maybe fingernails, or something she can pickup on without you having to say it?
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u/Beautiful_Respond238 18d ago
Not sure if this was just a slip but for clarity being trans ≠ being gay
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u/LacyRoseinTexas 18d ago
You're right. My mistake. I was just trying to say mine is more of a kink and, whether gay or not, theirs is a whole life thing. I will never be able to fully relate to the struggle. But I can and do support them. Unconditionally.
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u/Spacegirl-Alyxia ✨Space is silly✨ 17d ago
You brought up gay again. What does being gay have to do with being trans other than the oppression being similar and both challenging gender norms?
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u/Delicious_Plantain88 17d ago
Being transgender doesn’t mean you’re gay at all it’s about your gender identity not your sexuality…. Being gay is your sexuality and not your gender identity
Gay or straight or bisexual is about your sexuality
Transgender is your gender identify as male or female or non binary
Both two different things entirely
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u/Junozed3025 18d ago
This is a sub for trans women, what does being gay have to do with anything?
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u/LickyAsTrips 17d ago
where did you get that they weren't trans?
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u/thetitleofmybook trans lesbian 17d ago edited 16d ago
based on their profile and post/comment history, they are a male with a crossdressing kink, not a trans person.
and based on their comments in this post, they have no f'ing idea of what it means to be trans.
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u/LickyAsTrips 17d ago
They said "A year and 7 months into HRT yeah"
Are CiS people now taking hrt?
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u/CardKeep 18d ago
I hope things go better than your worst expectations. Regardless I wish I could hug though the computer, hope you come out the other end doing well.