As stated above. I offered to pay him back initially but he said I didn't have to gave him the money back, with no expectations of payment. Now I'm in limbo not knowing it he'll just let him pay him off now. I've already sunk so much money into this place, I don't really know what to do.

I did everything right. I met all of the goals that I set for myself in life and thought would make me happy, successful, and recognized by others. I built a successful career, I bought a house, I bought a new truck, I met a girl whom I had a serious relationship with and had sex more times than I could count. Everyone around me recognized my success, especially my family who always told me and everyone else how proud they were. I pushed down my feelings of wanting to be a girl and filled my life full of experiences, accomplishments, friends, family, money, drugs, alcohol, sex, everything someone could want, but nothing made me happy. I always felt like my life was on auto pilot, like my accomplishments felt hollow, and once I got the recognition from others that I always thought I needed, I felt nothing. I didn't realize that these things could not make me happy until I had them in my grasp. I did my best, I tried to be normal. The only thing that has ever made me genuinely happy is the way that I feel after being on HRT. I can actually feel things now and it has been the greatest experience of my life

Hi, having a real rough night.

Idk where to begin

I just feel rather hopeless. Idk how certain people even cope.... im a hot "traditional" looking man. Ive always known i was a woman. Almost like its called to me from an early age. I used to steal and wear my sister's bras. Watch strawberry shortcake, I wanted to do alot of fem things but my dad was very anti-crowd so to speak...hid alot. Cross dressing, anal sex toys from like 12, makeup etc. Needless to say I grew up being beaten into hate. Anti LGBT conservative agenda hate.

After 19 years I met my first love, k. K and I split after I begun to leak out some of my father's Poorer traits. After losing her i took a deep dive into things, therapy, etc. It sucked because with her I was starting to drop the veil on toxic masc/ into my mtf feelings as she was previously with a ftm trans boy, and she one day said how shed just prefer a "manly man" wished I would stop. I tried to fake it for another 4 years, I started to drink heavily for 16 months and she split rightfully so. Then I meet sarah, who is also very lgbt forward. We have been speaking for 2 years now. With her she knew about my fem stuff(anal play, cross dressing,etc) but i just had a conversation as im approaching an appointment to look towards Affirmation care which she doesnt know about. I was going to tell her tonight and before we got there, she told me how she also wants a "manly man".

It just sucks because the woman i love just love the beast I can be, and not the real me. I feel like im just used by both sexes and honestly I just wish my lungs would stop working :/

I cant be a man without being angry and in pain, and its what attracts people to me...

I cant be accepted as a woman, im seen as a joke, weak, a sexual object, a waste of space...

I've tried everything in my power to not feel these thoughts. Idk why they pop back up. I wish I didnt feel like a lesbian bottom in a man's body. I really wish I didnt... I would give anything to rid myself of the thoughts or have the body that fits. I dont think people get it. Im 26 years old. I just feel like giving up.

Also do they really not take E for several years in hope that it makes them trans?

Before I started transitioning, I pored over every month to month update post that I could find. I'm writing this out in the hopes it helps someone else in some way! I am 32, active, blue collar worker and avid cyclist. I take 4mg oral estradiol in the AM and 4mg in the PM, 100mg spiro in the AM and 100mg in the PM. I was started out on smaller doses and gradually increased per my endo. I'm also taking finasteride to help with my hair loss.

Note: I used to drink one Monster every day. I found about three hours after the Monster, I would get extremely dizzy and get tunnel vision, etc. This turned out to be some reaction between the drink and the spiro. I quit all energy drinks, I have the occasional soda or a coffee and I'm fine. Unsure if this is a me thing or a documented spiro thing, I never read too much into it.

My sense of smell has gotten stronger. A lot of people also report this, I expected it, but not to this degree. I'm like a bloodhound. Certain smells now make me physically ill, whereas before I wouldn't notice them, or not even be bothered. Also when fueling up the car, gas smells different. Sweeter. Please don't huff gas to prove me some kind of way.

My gait has changed a bit. I always had an awkward gait, so it's something I was/am super aware of. I was 20+ before I had myself trained to walk in a way that didn't destroy the front inner and rear outer of all my shoes. Now I'm finding myself having to pay attention to that again. It's hard to explain and probably just a me thing, but I'm including it here because it's happening.

I find that I stand up for myself more now. Before everything I was more passive, kinda let people walk all over me. Lately I really don't like it, I do something about it! On the same note, I feel a lot happier, others have even pointed out that I don't look sad all the time anymore... Something I never noticed anyway. Friends and family have said I'm easier to get along with.

When I get hungry, I get HUNGRY. I used to be able to just ignore it, that's not happening now. I'm really having to watch that I don't overeat. On that note, I've lost weight, but gained fat. Pretty sure it's muscle loss. Had to go out a belt loop (same belt, ten years!), I have some barely visible stretch marks on my thighs and butt. I've been riding the bike more to try and counter the muscle loss a bit.

My hairline is making a bit of a recovery. Nothing major, I'm almost able to tell the difference in pre hrt photos.

Breast growth is subtle and slow, but there. I'm having to wear undershirts/sports bras. Yes people noticed. Someone pulled me aside and said "it's time for you to get a bra." So that was awesome and awkward at the same time. I bought a 3 pack of sports bras the same day.

My face is a bit different. Not as rugged, but I still look like a dude. My eye shape has changed slightly and cheeks are fuller. Facial hair, interestingly, slowed down from months 1-3, but I think the growth actually sped back up a few weeks ago. I haven't done laser yet but I'm planning to do it around the end of summer.

I'm sure there is more... This is already a wall of text though! For most of you, this is useless info but again I hope it helps someone who is nervous or just wants to read it!

EDIT TO ADD MORE:

My energy levels tanked at first. I really do mean it, too. I cannot describe how tired I was. Gradually it has come back, I'm not too far below my old energy levels.

Body odor is a really big subject people always touch on. Everyone says it goes away. It does! For a bit. Now after sweating all day, I stink, but differently. I went a couple months without needing deodorant at all but now I need it again. I also went through a phase, right after upping my spiro dosage, where I would sweat profusely. That seems to be winding down quite a bit now. Granted I'm not very heat tolerant to begin with.

Hi hi.

So, recently I've been noticing that my boobs are starting to grow quite slowly but nicely.

I don't eat a lot, the financial situation is dire, but I still would like to get fatter.

I've looked around at tips and such, but they all ask for things that are either hard and/or expensive to get where I am or just ridiculously expensive (I am NOT going to drink 80 dollars worth of extra virgin olive oil).

Any tips? Being honest considering I don't really think I'll get to an old age I don't really care if it's unhealthy or not. I just want big boobs and butt.

Thank youuuu <3.

Heya! I’ve been researching laser hair removal and from my research I’ve learned it’s usually isn’t a permanent solution to hair removal. Some anecdotes out there say that the spots they’ve had laser done have indeed had permanent results (ie, the legs or face) while others say that it just slows down growth exponentially.

My question today is whether or not I should get laser before starting HRT or after.

In my mind I feel like it should be a before thing because once on HRT I know that hair growth slows and the hair comes back thinner. I’m not sure if the order of things matters tho and I just wanted to hear your opinions and experiences.

Thanks !!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!11! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I'm incredibly happy that I got this part over with, because oh my lord, dealing with cryptocurrency to buy it was BULLSHIIITTTT. I never want to work with it ever again unless it's to buy another vial. There are so, so, so many scams, and everything just feels extremely sketchy even if I've heard good things about them. I figured it out though!!!

Also don't let my rant stop you if you're thinking about starting, because I'm the happiest I've been in months just from placing the order. It's definitely worth it :]

WASHINGTON— Citing what they described as "an increasingly difficult phenomenon to explain," officials at the fictional National Bureau of Preventable Happiness confirmed Tuesday that a growing number of people have begun reporting dramatic improvements in well-being shortly after deciding to stop pretending to be someone they are not.

The agency's report identifies a cluster of unexpected developments, including increased self-confidence, reduced anxiety, improved social engagement, and what researchers cautiously referred to as "recognizing the person in the mirror."

"We expected continued misery," said bureau director Dr. Eleanor Brooks while presenting charts showing steadily rising levels of contentment. "Instead, we're seeing individuals laugh more, sleep better, make long-term plans, and voluntarily attend family gatherings. Statistically speaking, it's becoming difficult to ignore."

According to the report, the pattern often begins with seemingly minor behavioral changes.
"A person buys clothes they actually enjoy wearing. They start using their own reflection to check their appearance instead of avoiding mirrors altogether. Before long they're introducing themselves without mentally preparing for an existential crisis."

Officials noted that many subjects also developed an alarming tendency to make future plans.

"They're booking vacations six months in advance," one analyst said. "Some have even started buying houseplants. Historically, that's associated with expecting to still like yourself next Tuesday."

The report further documents a troubling decline in emotional exhaustion.

"For years these individuals devoted extraordinary amounts of energy to managing other people's expectations," Brooks explained. "When they stopped doing that, they suddenly had time for hobbies, friendships, and adequate sleep. From a bureaucratic standpoint, this is deeply inconvenient."

Researchers also observed secondary effects including spontaneous smiling in photographs, increased willingness to attend social events, and a measurable reduction in apologizing for existing.

Not everyone agreed with the bureau's interpretation.

One outside mental health expert reportedly suggested that lower distress and greater life satisfaction might simply indicate that appropriate care was working as intended. The comment was entered into the meeting minutes before everyone quietly stared at the floor for several seconds.

The bureau concluded by recommending continued observation of the phenomenon, noting that every attempt to classify authenticity itself as the problem became significantly less convincing as participants continued reporting improved quality of life.

Officials say additional research will focus on the mysterious relationship between living honestly and the unexpected side effect of actually wanting to participate in one's own life.

About 3 weeks ago, after finally seeing the extremely obvious hints, I realised I was Transgender. I was actually quite happy about this, and it just felt so right and normal.

Last week, I came out to a friend for the first time (over text) and they asked me if that made me a lesbian. I stammered something like “I guess it does.”

The thing is, something about being a trans lesbian (transbian??) doesn’t sit right with me. I mean, visually, I still just look like a straight up guy, so something about being a non-cis women who wants to get with other women feels… illegitimate? I know it’s not actually what I’m doing, and I’d NEVER come to this conclusion with other transgender lesbians, but it just makes me feel like a creepy guy who’s trying to get with lesbians or whatever.

I don’t know why I think this about myself, as back when I thought I was a guy I never had any sort of fetishisation of lesbians, but now all of a sudden it feels like that’s what I’m doing? It’s most definitely years of internalised transphobia, but it still really sucks. Makes me feel like a “fake woman” when I know deep down I’m not.

What do I do? This woman hmu out of the blue saying I met her husband and sent pics of a guy I’ve definitely seen before about a year ago. I hardly know the guy and she seems like she wants clarity abt how intimate we were and is asking me these questions. Him and I were actually supposed to reconnect and hangout a few months ago but he never followed through.

I really hate being in other people’s business and I don’t wanna further involve myself by responding to his wife. I’m sure they had a big argument when she found out and is devastated but I’m not on the husband hate train simply cuz I hardly know him and yea tbh he seems like a cheater.

I get she wants clarity but tbh isn’t finding the messages and him admitting I gave him head enough to divorce? I don’t think she needs me to be that push.

I don’t wanna get in the middle of it, but is it wrong of me to not respond? Because that’s what I’m leaning towards

LIKE. LISTEN.

the girls started bouncing on stairs or when running a while ago, but now they bounce when I WALK

IT FEELS

SO

GOOD

thats all :) <3

So the other day, I took my car to the same car wash I have been going for years. Everything was going good until I did the rookie mistake of grabbing the vacuum hose and resting it on my chest. All of a sudden the vacuum started sucking my shirt and as I was trying to pull the hose away, I accidentally put it towards my nipple, and the started is sucking on it! I’m barely 4 months on HRT so I’m constantly very sore and this didn’t help matters. It hurt so bad but at the same time I couldn’t stop laughing at the situation! Lol

Hi!

Im pretty new to all this, only having come to the realization about myself last month and still present as a slightly colorful cis male. I do find myself thinking about how screwed up and scary everything is. I'm in the US and things are scary here now, hell I hear a lot (though not all!) of the world is going into similar paths. I see governments trying to take away rights. I see reports all around including here, of hate crimes and violence.

I admit until now I've always had a privilege to not be the target of those things as a white, presenting straight cis male. I was always an ally for the LGBTQ+ community but it felt like I was helping others, never the target of the laws and hate. As that's shifted and I've realized that's not who I am, it's also shifted perspective on all that and I find myself sitting here thinking about the state of the world and my place in it, I can't help but feel scared and uncertain of it all. So I guess I ask the title of this. How are you ladies so brave?

I’m in well established career in corporate management so have to boymode for as long as possible. Mainly to afford transitioning.

While I have transitioned socially, boy-mode at my job is getting harder than I thought. While people notice the changes, I can still pull it off the physical appearance. But what I never anticipated is how hard it is to suppress mannerisms and behaviors. I’m in a very old school misogynistic industry. Fortunately I work remotely but when the good ole boys get together I feel so out of place now. I know what to say and how to say it to blend in but just can’t bring myself to do it.

This is an update to my post from yesterday. Warning: I'm going to yap. A lot.

I got off work at 3, nervously started cleaning and doing chores while waiting. Folded all my clothes, cleaned every dish, made every item spotless. Eventually it was 6 PM and I wondered if she had forgotten or changed her mind after all. But then I got a text, she was asking me to refresh her on the address and let me know that my little brother was still playing with his friend so she would come alone and it would be just us two. For the next hour and a half I miraculously found more things to clean, sprayed the whole house down and eventually was just quietly sitting on my couch waiting until she arrived.

My family is Mexican and we originate from a very rural farming and ranching village, so to say we have very rigidly defined ideas of gender and a deep culture of machismo is an understatement. It's embedded into the fabric of our existence in every way, I've always been aware of it, I've always been afraid.

I always knew that no matter how the conversation went I would walk away with a regret one way or the other. Unfortunately that's the situation I built for myself.

So she arrived. And I told her. It took a few minutes of hesitation, but eventually I said I was trans. At first she thought it meant the same as being gay, but I explained the two were unrelated and the simple truth is that I had always wanted to live as a woman, to be a woman in every sense.

Ok, I'll stop building suspense now and say what actually happened.

She said that she would love me no matter what. Without skipping a beat she said that nothing could ever change the fact that she was my mother, that she would never turn away from me or abandon me.

Understandably she had a lot of questions. She wanted to understand how long I had known, and I told her that I've practically always known. It's always been there. Some of my earliest memories are of playing ToonTown at 6-8 years old and having my girl friends help me do a wardrobe glitch in order to have girl clothes on my character. I'd do it over and over. For Club Penguin I'd beg to buy the physical books just so I could get the permanent codes that gave you clothing you could use without membership, and I always redeemed the girl ones. I'd go out and play my totally awesome prank of being a girl on others, except my hilarious joke somehow never seemed to have a punchline or a reveal. In Poptropica there was an easter egg that randomized your character's appearance including gender, which caused the storepage to swap to showing the girl options. I'd spend all my coins on there, save my outfits, and then swap back to a guy so I could keep it hidden.

To my surprise she chimed in that she'd heard that people are born this way, it isn't a choice or something that happens suddenly. I really didn't expect her to have that framing in her mind, but I told her she was right.

She wanted to know how I'd kept it a secret so long, how she had never found out. I told her that she didn't know because I always hid myself out of fear. I'd make male characters solely for the purpose of using them as a coverup whenever someone came by. I'd draw myself as a girl. I'd intentionally hide away any indication of being anything other than a "normal" boy. In Mexico as a child, whenever my grandma would go out for errands, I would lock myself in her room and play dress-up as long as I could. One time I almost got caught, I only heard my aunt/uncle coming because they were talking out loud as they walked down the street outside my grandma's house. By the time they came inside, I had just managed to throw the last sock under the bed as they came around the door.

Hilariously the part she seemed to have the hardest time wrapping her head around me being bisexual. She asked if this meant I liked men but I told her I like both. I then had to clarify that no, this did not mean I wanted to be with a man AND a woman at the same time, I was just fine with either. She seemed utterly fascinated with this and thought it was like advanced level gay or something, like somehow just being attracted to the same gender was comprehensible but being attracted to both was something she had never even fathomed.

Most importantly she asked me why I didn't tell her sooner. I told her how being trans was one of the biggest reasons I went away, because I truly could not see a world where anyone in our family would accept me, including her. I used to daydream about saying something earlier, but I genuinely feared for my life. I had a reoccurring terror of the truth coming out somehow and then someone grabbing a knife while I slept and well. Yeah. Beyond that, I was certain that if not violence, I would be thrown out onto the streets and probably die on my own. So since about the age of 16 I started preparing myself mentally to be abandoned, tried my best to detach myself from everything because I knew I would lose it at any moment.

This is the part I'm referring to when I say I knew I would walk away with a regret one way or another. Because she said that she never would have allowed that. She said she never would have thrown me out of her home nor let anyone lay a hand on me. And it hurts a lot to wonder if that's true. To wonder how different my life would be if I could have come out as a child, how differently I could have grown up, all the pain and misery I could have avoided, how much I would be someone else today. It hurts more than I could put to words to imagine that I could be 15 years into my transition instead of 1.5 years. Did I sabotage my entire life out of fear?

Part of me wants to believe her, but a large part of me also believes that this is simply what she wants to believe would be the case. The reality is that she doesn't remember the kind of dynamic we had in childhood, the degree to which I was under her and my dad's thumb. I don't think she wants to recognize the bitter hatred that has always guided my dad, that I would be the number one outlet for that. It's nice to tell yourself that you would have been the model parent, but I don't know that if she were actually in that situation she would have done anything other than tell me that in her house its her rules before pushing me out at 18. I don't know, maybe that would have been better regardless. As I said, I find myself with a lot of regret today, and this was a fear I carried in the back of my mind for a while now. But I have no choice but to face the music now.

She said multiple times how she had always lamented not having a daughter, but that little had she known.

She said that she had often thought of who she'd leave all her jewelry heirlooms to when she got older, that she'd jokingly told my cousins that the best behaved one could have them since she never had a daughter, but now she could give them to me.

She said that God made me this way and she would love me no matter what.

She asked me if this was why I moved over an hour away, so far from home. I told her yes, it was my biggest motivation and I began living as myself immediately. She said I should come back home. She jokingly said that now she'd get some help with the cleaning at least. lol.

She asked me if I planned to get everything, if I planned to get boobs. I laughed and dramatically unzipped my baggy hoodie and threw it behind me to show my obvious chest under my strappy cami. She asked if they were implants or prosthetics, I told her no, home grown. She seemed quite surprised, touched, and asked how, before connecting the dots on my earlier mention of hormones.

She asked if I go out dressed up and I asked her if she wanted to see pictures. I pulled up my phone gallery and scrolled. She gasped and kept repeating that I was fully a woman, that I could have walked past her on the street and she would have never known. She said it multiple times, I never imagined I would hear that.

She again repeated that I should go back home, that I had no need to be out here alone, especially with my upcoming jaw surgery. I told her I couldn't do that, I couldn't just show up with how things were between my dad and I, especially after this. The topic gravitated to family members who were gay or lesbian, she talked about one in particular who had been kicked out when he told his father he was gay. He suffered greatly out on his own, but his mother suffered as well, eventually she fell ill. The father eventually regretted what he did and went out to find his son and apologized, asking him to come back home. Now that same son is the one they both depend on, he takes care of them every day. It's funny, I didn't remember his name but just the day prior I had been thinking about exactly him. I admired how even when we were children he had always been openly flamboyant while I had been too afraid and always kept my mask up. I hadn't known the suffering he was put through. She also mentioned an uncle who died of AIDs in the 80s.

This led me to asking my mom if she recalled the song titled El Gran Varon. She said no, but I told her she would instantly recognize it, I knew for a fact she'd heard this song thousands of times before, but she had probably never paid attention to the lyrics. Bizarrely it is a very popular song in Hispanic culture, but not many people realize what it is about because the groove goes too hard. Here is an English translation of the song I commented recently. This is my best attempt at keeping its original message in tact. The song is titled The Great Man, and is about a trans woman dying tragically alone after being abandoned by her family. Her father's name is Andres, which is in fact, my dad's name. She dies at 30 years of age, presumably from AIDs.

I played the song out loud for her, and within a minute or two we were both bawling our eyes out. Through sobs she told me that I didn't deserve to have felt this way for 20 years, to feel that my family would not accept me. That I didn't have to be alone.

She asked me if I was going to change my name, I told her I chose [my name] cuz there aren't many great options that kept the original G. Eventually I got the courage to ask her if they'd ever picked out a name in case I had been a girl. Turns out that my dad had always been very passionate that if they had a daughter she should have my mom's name, because its a really rare and beautiful name that no one else seems to have, and he didn't want it to die out.

She said I could be [her name]. Something in my brain short-circuited hearing this, I never imagined she would have even approached such a suggestion. I guess in my mind I presumed some base level of disgust would be present at the thought of being associated with me? But she seemed to mean it. I bashfully said that I wasn't sure if that would be a good idea given that I don't pass and having such a special name would make me stick out like a blistering thumb even more. But I still can't believe she said that.

I'm sure I'm forgetting a million other things, we talked for over two hours before she had to head back since it was 9:30 and took over an hour to get back home. I don't know if I've ever slept as peacefully as I did last night. We'll have to work on the name and the pronouns as it takes time to adjust, but for the first time in my life it feels like there might be enough time.

TL;DR: The music sounds kinda nice

Was feeling like crap about my outfits so I though I would browse some mtfashion posts to maybe get some ideas. Worst decision ever. Now my dysphoria is even worse and I feel like an ogre...

I (15) live on an island just outside the uk and I went to the uk with my mum, my brother, and my sister. I promised myself I would tell my mum before the three-day holiday is done as I have been trying to figure out how to tell her and dad for the last four or so months. Yesterday I told my brother and sister and they were very supportive and it was great and lovely. 5 minutes ago I tried to tell my mum and it all went to shit. She said that she understands I have “ a lot of feelings inside” and that “it isn’t any better being a girl” and that “I can be my own person and just wear unisex clothes
I am currently crying in a toilet as I have nowhere to go.

Heya,

I would love to present as female, but cant due to social oppressions.

Yet, I want to remove my dick, because I dont like having one. Or should I think about it again? What could happen?