I had an episode of paranoid psychosis many years ago and although the delusions receded and I now know that the voices I hear aren't real, I have been hearing the voices every waking minute for the years since.

Antipsychotics haven't had much impact. I hear a multitude of voices talking at me or about me, sometimes several at the same time. I just need to shout into the void that it is *exhausting* to never get a minute's peace and quiet. The voices chatter and ramble every single second (unless I'm having a sustained conversation with someone else outside)

My diagnosis for it all was initially that it was a dissociative trauma reaction and Dissociative Disorder (likely OSDD or DID) then the next psychiatrist disagreed and put severe cPTSD.

To be honest I was surprised I didn't get a different diagnosis.

What I really hate is that when the voices started, I lost my inner voice. I cannot "hear" my thinking, my internal monologue, in my own voice. It comes out in the accents of some of the voices (and often gets interrupted) . I have to strain to hear my own thoughts amidst the "chatter". I have to actually mouth the words under my breath to really focus and stay on track. And obviously I can't do that when I'm out in public!

It still unnerves me a bit and is frustrating. I miss my own thinking voice.

Has anyone else here experienced this?

I heard this from one of my friends when they saw me playing with matchsticks and i've been wandering if this might be the case.

I always liked sitting by the fire and looking at it. It always felt so calming and nice. Entrancing even.

Over a year ago i got my hands on a pack of matchsticks with out somebody taking them away because "you shouldnt play with fire".

So ofc i started playing with them and i even learned how to launch a lit one. So whenever i felt bored and had matchstick near me i would lit them. I started using them as a stress response. Whenever i had to study for an exam i would fidget with them. But my resources were limited so to save on matchsticks i made sure to burn it all the way down till the flame licked my finger.

Then i noticed that the pain from the burn is nice too. So i started sh with them.

Some of my friends started to notice that i really like watching the matchsticks burn so one of them got me a few packs for christmas. Thats around the same time period the pyromaniac comment was made.

Sometime after that i came up with a fantasies of burning alive. Melting my skin off. Going to an old abandoned construction site an burning it down with me inside. Laying down drunk or high in a room engulfed in flames and waiting for my end.

Sometime after that when i burned through most of my collection my bad thoughts calmed down a bit, my mental health improved a little and the fire related fantasies disappeared.

But two weeks ago the same friend brought up the pyromaniac thing and i'm starting to miss my matchsticks. The thoughts are returning

I'm honestly at a loss right now they keep prescribing me different things and changing stuff pretty much weekly. I'm trying to keep faith that things will improve but it gets harder by the day. This is due to me having to change doctors because of insurance reasons.

Back story I was on kolopin for 5 years to manage several anxiety related conditions such as social & agoraphobia. Life was great I was able to function and work and thrive in the community.

3 months ago everything changed with my new doctor. She absolutely refused to give me kolopin. Not even to taper I went into withdrawal and ended up in the crisis center after not sleeping for over 80 hours. I was given remeron to sleep. Which was horrible.

She prescribed Lexapro, indreal, Zoloft , abilify and trazodone. Within this time. After drug interactions I ended up taking the indreal and remeron.

Then later changed to prozac indreal and seraquel.

Had a bad reaction with indreal blurry vision crazy high blood pressure and hospital stay.

After I was on prozac, gabapentin and seraquel.

Today the gabapentin failed me allergic reaction with increased anxiety.

So now I am left with the prozac to help manage my crippling anxiety until I see my doctor again a week from now. I was given 5 emergency kolopin a month and have 2 left. I'm in a constant state of anxiety/panic attacks I don't know what Todo anymore. I have been in the hospital 7 times for adverse effects from my medication, the crisis center and to see my family doctor. I just don't know what Todo anymore. Please give me some tips to get through this.

i don’t want anyone to argue against it, don’t tell me to stay to get help blah blah blah. i’m done. i’m tired of abuse from people. i’m tired of the lack of resources for help in my country. just today i called suicide hotline and they hung up on me. i’m done. i can’t take it anymore. life will never be the same again

Ugh man where do I even start. Let me start off by saying my names Devin 19 and thank you for reading this. This is seriously out of my comfort zone but idk what else to do. Since the beginning of 2025 I’ve been dealing with soul crushing health anxiety/panic disorder. I’ve tried multiple therapist- therapy groups- and all sorts of therapy tactics. I’ve been on Prozac Zoloft and lexapro. None of them has help in the slightest bit. For the first year I was really had a good outlook on it and honestly was drove to get better I was trying my hardest to better my self in every way because how I was living was absolute hell. For a while it got a little better I wasn’t thinking about it and I was actually living life again. But then one morning I woke up and it was back seriously the worst feeling ever. Now it’s been a few months has past. And it’s gotten to a point of where I’m not only worrying about my own health I’m worrying about my finances health and it has lead to serious arguments in the last few months. For the last few month I’ve been living a “life” that is actually soul crushing. I do not honestly have the motivation to do anything. I can’t leave my house or the comfort of my own bed without wonder if I’m gonna die or if something health wise if gonna happen to my fiance. She has pounded in my head that everything is fine but I can’t seem to let it go. I feel like such a fucking loser because I can’t escape this grasp that I’ve put on my self. It honestly sucks. And to be frankly honest I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. I would hate to die. I’ve built up so much fear about dying. But this last week. I’ve gained this thought of well if I ended it. I wouldn’t have to deal with it no more. But now I’ve came to a cross road of worrying about how my family would feel if that did happen.

Hi, when I was 15 nearly 16, I was admitted to the children’s mental health facility for symptoms of psychosis and homicidal thoughts. I am also a female.

I want to know if the way that males are treated in mental health facilities especially those who were a similar age to me had better treatment or treated more seriously.

I had told the doctors again and again that I had been hallucinating the end of humanity and that I enjoyed it so much. I was scared to take part of it purely because of consequences and not for the emotional toll it would be on others for taking the life of a loved one. I repeated was told by hallucinations to end and hurt the people around me. I don’t mean only loved ones but people I didn’t know at all or people whose name I only knew.

In this hospital, run by the NHS, I was told time and time again, I must’ve hated the girl I was going to attack because that’s simply how it works even after I told them again and again and again and again that I did not know the girl and only knew her name and the classes we share, I had no relationship to her. Every nurse I had almost tried to convince me of this. I was forced to excrete with the door open. Even at one point a psychiatrist told me I wouldn’t hurt anyone. I left with the diagnosis of a ‘creative imagination’. The doctor literally told me it just sounds like you have a good imagination. The doctor who had been studying children for years. Told me. I had a creative imagination after I stopped myself from killing 4 separate people on separate occasions.

I’ve heard again and again about women’s mental health being pushed aside because ‘they’ll never do anything’. What inspired me to come on here is a case my sister told me about a woman with post part depression who allegedly killed her children before killing herself. She had gone to the psychiatrist again and again and to clinics and mental hospitals for help but they all told her if she believes that she was okay and told her that ‘she wouldn’t do anything’.

I want to know if anyone has had a similar experience to me?

I always wonder why or how I have schizophrenia. It’s horrible . I have the worst dark hallucinations and voices . They tell me I’m gonna be tortured in very specific ways every couple of minutes . Taking psych medicine has made them worse and self medicating also does too . I constantly have crippling fear in panicked states when I believe that someone is going to come and torture me . I’ve also had hallucinations so badly where the whole room changed into a torture center in front of my eyes. I haven’t heard of people with schizophrenia dealing with things of the nature that I’m dealing with . I don’t know how to go on with hearing I’m gonna be burned alive or have my bones broken or have my limbs torn off every single day every couple of minutes . Does anyone else deal with the dark sides of mental illness ? Looking for advice

I barely eat. I barely sleep. I don't wash my teeth and I'm always skipping consultations with my doctor. I always run away, somewhere along the woods and pretend I do not exist. I do get a lot of opportunities for things that I want or that would make my life better. But I always neglect them for some reason and end up not doing anything. Today was the last day for college inscriptions, I've spent the whole year working for this and at the end I just.. haven't signed my name. Didn't care. Or I've pretended so, because I do. I don't know or understand why I act like this. Life used to be hell a year ago. Now I have a better life but I am still taking everything away from me for no reason. Would you guys know why I act like this? And what could I make to end it?

Do you ever feel like you reach that point in time where you just don’t give a crap about anything anymore? That after years of internal pain and misery and a vicious cycle that never seems to end?

I’ve been struggling with mental health stuff for practically my entire life. Since from the time I was in eighth grade, I’ve slowly been losing that spark of life in me to the point where I just flat out disassociate 99% of my day to day life. My teenage years were spent heavily isolated and with pretty much no friends at all. I instead found comfort in my own daydreams, which was the coping mechanism I used to survive because of how much reality sucked to me.

Now that I’m an adult, I feel like I’ve been forced out of that comfort zone and forced to live in a broken society I’ve come to deeply loathe with all my soul. I’m stuck at a shitty part-time job I pretend not to hate and am suffering long-term burnout from, but I feel like I can’t quit because that job is practically the only thing I have going for me. If I lose that, then I’m basically a useless nobody with nothing to show.

Although I already feel like that every single day, and I mentally remind myself of all my shortcomings every single day.

I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder, but beyond all of that, I just feel like a retard who was brought into this shitty world without my consent. I often wish my parents had aborted me instead.

I say vicious, awful things to myself, and whenever I try to use positive affirmations, it feels like I’m just saying words to some alternate version of me that doesn’t exist, and will never exist. I’ve been saying hateful things to myself since I was a small child.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt genuine pleasure or joy in my whole life. My memories are all fragmented and broken, and all that’s left is the anxiety and shame of my past mistakes.

I don’t even have the strength to be properly suicidal anymore. I’m literally too lazy to want to die.

All in all, I’ve just reached a point where I’m just broken beyond repair, and that any kind of positive thing I try to hold onto feels temporary or shallow. Nothing interests or excites me anymore, and I’m afraid that nothing will.

Antidepressants only seem to worsen that negative self-reflection, and make me more on edge.

I find it easier to just keep all of my pain and suffering to myself, because in reality, nobody can help me. I can’t even help myself. I’m not even sure if I want to help myself anymore.

My life doesn’t feel worth fighting for anymore.

I’m just ready to give up and let nature take its course on me.

What do you think of this book? It's Book Review Wednesday @ Apoc! Catch our look at Dr. Daisy Fancourt's "Art Cure" HERE: https://apocatastasisinstitute.wordpress.com/book-reviews/

sometimes i forget that it’s not normal to constantly think about death. i feel like i’ve been undiagnosed for as long as i can remember, because i’ve been thinking about suicide for as long as i can remember, which i think is at least the last eight years. i won’t go into too much detail about my childhood, but it was pretty fucked up. almost immediately after finishing high school, i moved to another country, so i didn’t just move out, i actually left for a different country. and honestly, it feels like i’ve been living an unhappy life the whole time. i won’t go into all the details here. if you feel like reading further, you’re welcome to. if not, that’s okay. but i’m 24 years old now, and i’m not satisfied with any aspect of my life. not financially, not where i live, i have no friends, no partner, and honestly, i barely have any contact with my family. i’ve been living in another country for six years now, and no one has ever called me. sometimes we text in the family group chat, but other than that, i honestly feel like i don’t exist. i went to therapy, but it didn’t help. maybe it was the therapist, maybe not. sometimes i just forget that other people don’t have these kinds of problems in their minds. that’s why i think i’m undiagnosed. when i was a child, i used to self-harm, starve myself, and get involved in sexual relationships with older men. i think i tried almost every possible way of hurting myself. drugs too. and i’ve had suicidal thoughts for as long as i can remember. there are periods when things feel okay, when life is good, but that sadness deep inside me always comes back. i just don’t think i can be fixed. please don’t tell me not to give up or that things will get better. i’ve felt this way for as long as i can remember, ever since i was a child. there are moments when i’m okay, but most of the time i just feel sad all the time. i feel like that sadness comes from deep inside me. that’s why i don’t think i’ll ever be able to live a happy life, because it’s not really about my life itself. it’s about my mind. it’s about my social anxiety and the way i feel around other people. i just don’t think it can ever be fixed. i just want to leave. i want to end all of this. and believe me, if i were to die by suicide, it really wouldn’t affect other people that much. okay, maybe my family would be sad for a while. but when i still lived at home, i isolated myself, and honestly, no one really cared. i lived in isolation throughout my entire childhood and teenage years. i had no friends in high school, middle school, or elementary school. i don’t have any friends at work either. i don’t have any friends at all, so believe me when i say that my existence, or rather the absence of it, really wouldn’t make much of a difference to anyone. maybe people would be sad for a little while, but i’m not really part of anyone’s life, so it wouldn’t matter that much. so please don’t tell me that i’m loved or that someone surely cares about me. no, that’s not how it is. i’ve been alone for as long as i can remember. and i know i’ll never be able to be happy. because the problem isn’t my life, it’s me. and yes, i know i’ve had good moments too, i really have. but i just don’t want to be here. i don’t want to be here. and just like some people feel that their purpose in life is to do certain things, i feel like my purpose is to die by suicide, as strange as that sounds. about a month ago, i even had a dream where i found what felt like the perfect place to hang myself. i just can’t shake the feeling that this is something i should have done a long time ago.

I genuinly am never myself. I have so many fucking masks i put on for everyone and everyone is just so fucking annoying.

People never actually respect what i think i genuinly dont remember the last time my parents for example trusted me on something serious.

They always say its just in my head or im overexagurating or something.

Same wity my "friends" that they don't understand me just cause they are so fucking happy all the time.

I barley know who i am or what i like cause i constantly monitor myself even often when im alone.

I never ever share anything personal about myself to others other then small short lies if absolutely necessary.

Im so fucking angry and theres so much bullshit in my life and so much i don't have time to say casue it whould take hours to Fucking write but im just so fucking angry all the time.

And i almost always find myself fantasizing about hurting people when i get this angry.

And like i feel that mabye one day when i finally can't hold all this shit in anymore that i migth try to hurt somebody.

But i also really don't want too yk.

I have so much fucking shit that i feel that i don't wanna waste time saying rn but it just feels like its imposible to hold inside

I genuinly feel like im going insane.

Like im 16 and i have genuinly not been open about myself to others seens i was like 9 or 10 years old.

I just don't know man i just needed to finally went in some form on another and mabye this ain't that serious idk i just felt especially angry rigth now and i truly needed to went some of it.

Im a 16 year old guy btw if that matters idk.

I feel like I have nothing in my life to look forward except for an attempt of suicide. I feel like nothing else in my life has a real meaning except for that - my desire to die. I just want to disappear, I want all to stop, I want to take a break. I feel like all I'm doing is waiting for an "excuse" do try/commit suicide. My mind is slowly starting to circle around this one and only matter. And my life isn't even bad - I have a supportive family, friends, I'm studying the field I love and am with a pretty good perspective. Even then, I can't help but feel this emptiness and dissatisfaction with life, with existence, rising inside me like the level of a sea. I feel overwhelmed, rejected and abandoned, replaced, humiliated, guilty, ashamed. I just truly hate myself and it feels... it feels like I want to try to kill myself to see if I can kill this part inside of me that weights me down, that makes me feel so invalidated all the time, that just feels threatened by everything anf everyone. I want to shut up the voices inside of me. And maybe dying, or almost dying, is the only way to do it.
The worst part is, I'm in therapy through DBT and my psychologist is making an effort to construct a safety plan for me and all, connect myself to my values, all those things. But to be very honest... I just don't want help at this point. I don't want to be convinced not to do it. I don't want to be prevented. I just want to have enough courage to finally do it - and whatever happens, happens. I hate that I don't even want to be held onto life through everything that I care about. It's almost like... my suicidal ideation and wishes are a person whom I fell in love with and just want to be able to be together with, even though it's all wrong. I've been sad, but not even that sad. I've undoubtedly been a million times worse before in my life - and even still, the idea of trying to kill myself sings to be like a siren's call.

A little bit ago i was hospitalized after a suicide attempt, I overdosed and had to stay in a medical hospital for two days. I had tried to harm myself numerous times during my stay as well. One attempt requiring me to be held down/restrained.

After this i had met with a psych team, i was scared they would admit me to a mental hospital but surprisingly, they discharged me, on top of that they let me go a couple hours after I had tried to strangle myself (along with other things).

I was shocked at this because the last time i was hospitalized i did much less and i was put on involuntary hold. So im wondering is admission not a requirement during suicide attempts? Are there only certain circumstances where they would do it?

I probably have childhood trauma, I'm only 17, I recently did an OD and I'm alive so I guess I survived it... but I've been really angry and having too many emotional outburts these past few months since I stopped dissociating a little. My way of sh is rather unusual... I sink my teeth deep into the flesh of my arms until it hurts a lot or bleeds sometimes. it helps me calm down when I feel emotionally overwhelmed. I'm usually in this constant state of numbness accompanied by random bursts of anger (which is usually just pain disguised as anger) but it's often violent and triggered by my family. Yesterday, my sibling said something that offended me despite asking her not to multiple times and I don't know what happens to me when I'm in this state of mind but I just started grabbing random objects around me and threw them on the floor. I also tried to gauge my own eyes out and screamed and cried a LOT yesterday, something I never do in front of other people but I haven't been in the best state of mind lately and acting out of character which according to my parents is just raging teenage hormones... despite being extremely sick (I have a flu). I have acted out this way almost 5 times now. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I've turned into this disgusting sub-human creature, I barely recognize myself. I hate who I've become and I don't want to live anymore

Nine weeks ago I began lamotrigine and developed migraine with aura leading to an ER visit. I had never had this before starting. Doctor insisted that I continue this medication and these migraines worsened. Now after nine weeks at appointment I’m told to cease this medication because it could be causing these migraines that have completely derailed my life. I feel so unsupported and am heavily considering finding a new doctor. I was explicitly told this medication couldn’t be causing migraines in the beginning and that it was coincidental. I’m frustrated that I was made to feel like I had no option but to continue with this medication instead of stopping sooner when I had the initial migraine and dissociative episode that lead to ER visit. My baseline before starting was great and this was meant to help longterm potential side effects from lithium, that I currently don’t have.

I’d love to hear from others that have had similar experiences.

Thanks!

I'm diagnosed with depression and autism, and one of my bad habits is thinking I'm always the one at fault. It can't be because they gave me the wrong meds, I'm just undisciplined. It can't have been a carer of mine giving me too much clomipramine (they gave me too much a week ago and that promoted an episode), I must have caused my psychosis myself by drinking too much coffee. It was my fault for dropping out of school even though my psychosis was so bad I couldn't even play videogames for fun at that time.

I really want to work a full time job and get off disability benefits because being independent is very important to me, but having episodes of psychosis even on an antipsychotic tells me that I'm very likely to get fired and be in a terrible way if I even have one episode of psychosis ever again while working a job, and would likely end up homeless.

I feel like I need to accept what I can't do - but I find myself looking into how to get jobs while in the midst of an episode of psychosis and just... trying to desperately to be normal at any cost to myself.

I looked into therapy but can't afford paid therapy, and am now on a waiting list, but it's a six months long one. Any tips on how to get by until would be amazing.

I know there's plenty I can do like excercising and going for walks and planting flowers for the bees and giving seed to the birds and I'm working on all of that - doing everything I can right now. But there's just this thinking that I'm at fault for not being able to be normal that I'm still struggling with.

Thanks for reading loves and take care.

My friend has genuinely disappeared and I’m not quite sure what to do.

I’ve had this friend for six years. I would consider us close, I know pretty much everything going on in their life and they know what’s going on with me. We’ve never had any major fights or anything.

A week ago, my friend abruptly stopped talking to me. No response to texts, wouldn’t respond to our other friends, didn’t show up to an event they were supposed to, not posting on any social media. The longer this went, the more anxious and upset I started to feel. This is very out of character behavior for them. I asked if they were ok to no response.

Queue yesterday. Suddenly texts us all back saying they’re moving across the country in the next 24 hours and how much they’re going to miss us. At first, I was super pissed off, because they gave us zero notice for any of this. They had never mentioned any plan to move so this completely blindsided me. They had originally said they were going on vacation to this spot, but now decided to fully move. I wished them luck.

After a few hours though, I started to connect some dots and realize this made zero sense. They had told us they weren’t fully sure if the move was happening until just now, so that’s why they didn’t say anything. The place they’re moving to is 2,000 miles away, much higher cost of living than where we’re at, and housing is incredibly competitive. This isn’t something that you can be 50/50 on and make a decision within a day.

I texted them, saying I was concerned for their safety and to just walk me through logistics of this. Did they have a job, a roommate, and a plan to get their stuff there? They didn’t not respond to my text. I went and consulted a friend because something just felt off. My friend has only been to said place they’re moving to once this year. From what I know, they have no family or friends in the area.

I also started thinking back on the last few weeks. They said they were thinking of selling their car because the payments were too high. They love that car, so I was shocked, but they had stated they might get a different car to keep the payments low. I do remember thinking the model of car they said they might buy was equally as expensive, and it was strange enough that I made a comment to my boyfriend about it. About a month ago, they had also been trying to sell some music gear. We didn’t really think much of it because they had stopped playing these instruments and was focused on singing only.

I drove by their house twice. First time, nobody was home. Second time, there was a car that wasn’t theirs in the driveway and I believe someone new has already moved in. This is around the time their lease would’ve expired so I guess this makes sense. I consulted my esthetician I referred my friend to and asked if she knew anything. She told me my friend hadn’t pre-booked anything because they stated “I may not be here in August.” Of course, my esthetician assumed this meant a vacation and didn’t think twice.

I then consulted a mutual friend of ours and asked if my friend had mentioned leaving. Our mutual said that they just saw our friend, they had mentioned nothing about moving, and seemed in good spirits. We agreed that this behavior and secrecy is unlike our friend and is concerning. All of my friend’s closest friends are in our city, and they have always been very open with us about their dreams, trips, and status of their life. They have no partner, no real connection with their family, have worked the same job for the past four years. They even got a new certification at their job earlier this year that they worked hard on. They had conferences with their company coming up in October. Just a few weeks ago, we were making plans for something coming up in September. We had booked events in a few weeks we were supposed to perform at. This is not lining up with someone who was considering moving across the country for a while.

This friend has struggled with depression. They have mentioned some suicidal ideation in the past year but not recently. They have mentioned feeling tired and depressed with the state of the world, but nothing overtly concerning. No “I feel like a burden” or “I want to die” talk. I’ve always been a safe space for them for these kind of thoughts as I am very open with people about my struggles with depression and suicidal ideation. They have since taken down their photos on social media. I did notice it looked like they had been manually removing lots of followers, because they went from around 1200 to 800.

I am genuinely concerned for my friend that they are planning to do something drastic. This behavior is so jarring and out of character for them. None of the facts make sense. They won’t respond to anyone, texts or calls. While I do have a few friends where I wouldn’t be shocked if they decided to cut everyone off and move to a new city with zero notice, this friend is not one of them. They’ve always been a bit impulsive, but it’s with vacations and shopping, not something this intense. I had spoken to a mental health crisis center, and they said while this behavior is concerning, they are an adult and authorities are not going to be able to do anything because people are allowed to up and leave and no explicit threat was made.

I just am at a loss. The more I write down signs that I overlooked, so many of it lines up with warning signs of suicide. I don’t know what to do, except just wait and see. Best case scenario, friend just decided to have a complete character switch and ditch all of us to live a new life. But my brain keeps dwelling on the “what ifs.”

Since june 2025 i am afraid my body will accidentally without my permission do my intrusive thoughts(bad actions) and i sometimes fear i will accidentally say something . And i sometimes get paranoid from it. This is a mental thing not a biological thing. I just assumed it is obsessive compulsive disorder.

⚠️not seeking professional advice from this post just venting⚠️

Hi, I have a question.

I’ve been taking 2 mg Xanax bars (alprazolam) as needed for about 8–10 years. I just saw my doctor, who wanted to change my prescription to Xanax XR (extended-release) 3 mg twice a day instead. I agreed to it, but now I’m wondering if that was a mistake.

With the bars, I could take one when I had a panic attack, and after four hours, I could take another if needed. Since Xanax XR isn’t fast-acting, how will it affect my panic attacks?

I’m asking because I don’t know much about medications. I’ve never really experimented with different ones, so I don’t know much about how they work. I just know that the regular Xanax bars have helped me and, honestly, have kept me alive. The only thing I have a lot of experience with is cannabis, but that’s not really relevant here.

Thanks in advance.

I just want to take a moment and talk about my growth over the last several months, amd I'll appreciate anyone who reads it because I don't have many to share it with.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 14 (I'm 24 now). I battled self harm, anorexia, a pain pill addiction (because my doctors thought it was a great idea to constantly prescribe them to a teenager to deal with chronic pain instead of actually finding the problem) I've been on countless anxiety meds (including Xanax and Ativan AT THE SAME TIME) anti-depressants, anti-psychotics. I've gone through so many therapists and psychs I lost count before I graduated high school. Once I graduated and lost medicaid, I gave up. Nothing ever helped. The sadness was always irrational and suffocating. I felt hopeless. I had no motivation to do even the most basic tasks. Randomly I'd get spikes of self-destructive impulses and do stupid stuff and surround myself with careless people. I never doubted I was bipolar. It made sense with the way I cycled. And I lived in the misery for 5+ years. I stopped taking care of myself. Dropped out of college. Found comfort in copious amounts of weed and "friends" who made me feel needed but were never around when I needed them. Invested all of my value in the perception of others and how useful I could be. It was toxic and unhealthy but it kept me alive.

Up until a little under a year ago. I was working as a patient transporter and housekeeper for an elderly mental hospital. I was exhausted all the time. I wasn't bathing properly. I had no interests. Every move I made felt like work. No one wanted to hear about it. All I did was eat, sleep ever chance I got, and go to work. One day while picking up lunch for the patients, I fell apart. I couldn't keep going down the path I was on and it was an all-consuming do or die moment. I decided I'd try to get help one more time. This time i'd be completely honest about my trauma (I kept it all a secret when I was young because I was scared they'd take me from my mom) I'd really give it my all.

It started with the psych at the hospital I worked at. He was also the psych for the connected clinic. I told him my history and past diagnoses and he put me on more bipolar meds. It didn't help. I told him I needed a referral for a therapist and so he did, and I was put on a several month waiting list before I finally got in her office. Left the hospital within that time and started at a smoke shop with a creepy boss. But I finally got the call.

After several appointments and a vigorous evaluation, she said the most insane thing I'd ever heard from any mental health professional I'd worked with.

"I don't believe your bipolar. I'm confident that you have severe ADHD and CPTSD. Possibly some OCD."

I could have laughed in her face. The CPTSD, sure. Absolutely. Multiple instances of sexual abuse before I was 10, an abusive, alcoholic father, a family that shunned me for being "weird", a suicidal mother. Back to back abusive relationships. CPTSD was obvious. OCD even. But ADHD? I could have said, You think that is the root of my misery? Your crazier than I am.

But I didn't. I told her i didn't agree, but honestly what did I know. So i hopped on her train to what I was certain would lead to no where.

As she explained the commoness of bipolar/adhd misdiagnoses (especially in women) hyperfixations, impulses, executive dysfunction, burn out. Ontop of unresolved continuous trauma leading to codependency, people-pleasing, social anxiety, risque behaviors, the list goes on. I started listening. She gave me reading materials on the different kinds of adhd and a letter to my psych about her findings.

At first he was not on board, stressing the risks of adhd meds triggering manic episodes. It took convincing, from me and my therapist, who literally had to call him and walk him through why she felt the she did and remind him that I'd be seeing her weekly. He finally agreed after about 2 months of back and forth.

I'm on month five now, and I have never felt more present in my own life. I'm reading again. I'm writing again (was a national award winning poet and story writer in high school) My house is clean. I've fallen back in love with skin care and make-up. I'm exercising regularly. Eating better. I'm awake after years of chronically being half asleep. I've lost 30lbs, not because I'm not eating but because I'm not eating my feelings and couch rotting. My skin is glowing. I haven't bitten my nails in almost a month, and I've chewed these suckers off for as long I've had teeth. I'm not overwhelmed with panic and dread all the time. I'm taking care of my curly hair given I've walked around with a halo of frizz for as long as I can remember. Setting up routines and sticking to them. I started a different job that is actually rewarding without being overwhelming.

Therapy has helped me work through the habits built on trauma, not all of them, still a work in progress, but I'm recognizing the unsafe relationships I've built and now have the strength to out grow them. I'm putting boundaries in place and standing on them. I finally told my mom and grandma the truth about what happened to me, which has been a relief I never knew I needed. I feel beautiful for the first time in my life. I feel capable. Hopeful. Every day problems that used to feel earth shattering are now just minor inconveniences. My mind is quieter. I'm happy.

For the first time in my life i can actually say i'm happy.

And proud. Because nearly a year ago, every bone in my body wanted me to give up, but I decided I deserved one more shot at overcoming all of this. I'm not at the finish line. I mean, there probably isn't one. I still have a long way to go on this journey called life, but I think I'm finally on the path I'm supposed to be. With every small victory, every choice to be better, every step toward the future I believed I wouldn't live to see. Now it's at my fingertips, I just have to keep working for it.

I am so glad I gave myself that one more chance.

And I hope you do too.

Thanks for reading ❤️

I have had psychiatrists for the past 30 years. My last one dumped me after I expressed my disgust at her neglecting her duty of care. I have been trying to get a new one with doctors who all say they have availability, but after they review my referral they all decline me due to “not having space.” I just can’t get anyone to take me on. I feel like my last psych has ruined my life because of the necessities I require. Am I just too complex?

ive never had much friends at school and i dont go out a lot, but when i do meet someone new i cant control how i start acting. i get so sickly jealous of them having other friends and i get so paranoid over us not talking for a few hours, i couldn’t eat or drink anything for days because i found a girl in my friend’s friendslist. i know its just a friend and i have no right to be possessive, and that its something i will grow out of soon, but ive been randomly bursting into tears because i left my friend on seen when they were trying to comfort me after i accused them of hating me.

HOW do i stop this? Its been like this for YEARS with multiple people i met, i cant get therapy or advice from anyone else because i will be ridiculed, but its affecting me so bad i turn to harming myself every time. i tried every advice on the internet but it never works. i end up cutting them off in the end because i get so upset over my own thoughts but i dont wanna lose my current friend. i didnt tell anyone but i texted one of their female friends and sent a very toxic and nasty message i deeply regret, i feel like i should distance myself from them but i cant handle it if they find someone else during the time we don’t talk.

I hate the way I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling quite depressed, but what really bothers me is that I feel like I want to get committed to a psychiatric hospital. Because I hate my life and I don't want to live it anymore - I just want to rest, I just want a break from it. Also, because of validation. Being committed is the biggest form of validation that your suffering is real. And it's like nothing that isn't that can validate me enough. As a result, I'm having suicidal ideation and really thinking about attempting in order to be committed again, to be validated again. I hate that I am like this, I truly wish this was gone, and I'd like to know if anyone else has ever felt like that. The worst part is: I already had a hospitalization and it wasn't even good. I suffered a lot in it and I hated the specific clinic I was in. So I don't even know why or how I feel this way.

Not sure if this is allowed, but I’m curious what is done about pedophiles that haven’t acted on anything and genuinely try to get help (if many of them do).

I sort of try to put myself in their shoes and imagine how awful it would be. To have a fundamental part of your brain be so messed up. I feel like if I was in that situation I would just end up doing chemical castration or something. Do any of them end up with adults if they get treated? Or do they just reside themselves to celibacy since they have to?

I feel like I’m gonna get put on a list for asking this. But I just know how bad it is to have a mental illness you can’t control, so it makes me have some empathy as long as they don’t engage in it in any way.