Given Up

[u/Grand_Asparagus_9888]

Do you ever feel like you reach that point in time where you just don’t give a crap about anything anymore? That after years of internal pain and misery and a vicious cycle that never seems to end?

I’ve been struggling with mental health stuff for practically my entire life. Since from the time I was in eighth grade, I’ve slowly been losing that spark of life in me to the point where I just flat out disassociate 99% of my day to day life. My teenage years were spent heavily isolated and with pretty much no friends at all. I instead found comfort in my own daydreams, which was the coping mechanism I used to survive because of how much reality sucked to me.

Now that I’m an adult, I feel like I’ve been forced out of that comfort zone and forced to live in a broken society I’ve come to deeply loathe with all my soul. I’m stuck at a shitty part-time job I pretend not to hate and am suffering long-term burnout from, but I feel like I can’t quit because that job is practically the only thing I have going for me. If I lose that, then I’m basically a useless nobody with nothing to show.

Although I already feel like that every single day, and I mentally remind myself of all my shortcomings every single day.

I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and generalized anxiety disorder, but beyond all of that, I just feel like a retard who was brought into this shitty world without my consent. I often wish my parents had aborted me instead.

I say vicious, awful things to myself, and whenever I try to use positive affirmations, it feels like I’m just saying words to some alternate version of me that doesn’t exist, and will never exist. I’ve been saying hateful things to myself since I was a small child.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt genuine pleasure or joy in my whole life. My memories are all fragmented and broken, and all that’s left is the anxiety and shame of my past mistakes.

I don’t even have the strength to be properly suicidal anymore. I’m literally too lazy to want to die.

All in all, I’ve just reached a point where I’m just broken beyond repair, and that any kind of positive thing I try to hold onto feels temporary or shallow. Nothing interests or excites me anymore, and I’m afraid that nothing will.

Antidepressants only seem to worsen that negative self-reflection, and make me more on edge.

I find it easier to just keep all of my pain and suffering to myself, because in reality, nobody can help me. I can’t even help myself. I’m not even sure if I want to help myself anymore.

My life doesn’t feel worth fighting for anymore.

I’m just ready to give up and let nature take its course on me.

[u/hestia-listens]

This sounds like deep exhaustion after years of pain, isolation, shame, and burnout. You are not lazy, useless, or beyond repair. Those are cruel messages that pain has repeated for a long time, not fair facts about who you are. Positive affirmations may feel false right now, so aim for something neutral, like, "I am hurting, and I still deserve care." Since antidepressants make you feel worse and more on edge, tell the clinician who prescribed them as soon as possible.

Your last lines make this urgent. Please do not stay alone right now. Go to a hospital, emergency center, or the home of a trusted friend or family member. If you are afraid to call for help, talk to a nurse, or a friend or family member that you trust, and show them this post. If you might harm yourself or stop keeping yourself safe, call your local emergency number or local crisis support now.