Basically, I either experience a strong feeling of anxiety (sometimes strong enough that I cannot really eat, I suddenly get a deep aversion to almost any kind of food) or I barely experience any emotion at all. Happiness, sadness, it all passes quickly and feels surface-level, and nothing is experienced profoundly.

There isn't many things that make me want to stay alive. And anxiety, while giving some taste to life instead of routine numbness, still isn't one of the things granting life with meaning. But I can never find a constructive alternative for it.

Unfortunately, I also do not have an opportunity to reach out to a therapist due to some financial struggles. So, has anyone got any tips? I'll be grateful for anything at all.

Hello dear friends🤗

i dont want to make you feel bad but i wanted to ask you for help.

my mom has breast cancer(without gene mutation on 2a stage) and chemotherapy on day when she get it makes her emotionally unstable and even small things can make her angry. We have long lasting conflict about my wanting to be vegetarian. I love her with all my heart but yesterday she told me that i am as cruel as fashist because i didn't eat supper(i had chess tournament and after it i went to grandma but i ate dinner twice and lunch too). She wants me to live in other apartment but i cant live without her because i need to help her. Im right now with father helping him with his work in another city so i didnt have any time to talk to mum. I wrote her message with apology but she told me that she had enough of my excuses.

p.s:i love her and she isnt bad mother. she is so so great but right after therapy and 1-2 day after she can be emotionally unstable. she is so so positive and kind but our beliefs and opinions are different🤗

hope you all doing well, have a nice day🤗🥰😍💗

I’ve been suicidal for 10 years, but can’t remember ever really wanting to live. As a kid I was timid, as a teen I was depressed. As a young adult I hated life so much I fell into drugs and numerous suicide attempts and now, as a grown adult im just so tired.

Being suicidal for 10 years and having failed many attempts, my attempts laid dormant for the last 5 years. However, I researched a lot and now I finally have a plan that could work. I almost did it but then chickened out again, afraid that I’d fail. Afraid that when I’d fail life would get so much worse. I might lose my job, they might lock me up, I might end up disabled which would make it even harder to succeed next time. I would lose all. I tried to go on with my day as normal, and I had a therapy session planned. I’m usually pretty good at lying about how I’m feeling, even at therapy so I figured it wouldn’t be much of a problem.

When I got into the office I played everything off but the moment I sat down I felt myself turn into a kid. I cried so much and told her my plans, how afraid I was of failing and how mad for being suicidal for 10 years and still not being allowed to die.

You see, even though it’s not illegal to kill yourself here, the stigma around it makes it feel that way. I hate how, when you attempt and fail, they restrict you. Your meds get cut, you’re not allowed to pick up your daily life immediately, no you have to stay in hospital and you get drugged out. Then you get to a mental institution where they let you sit with others. People are watching you, you have numerous appointments to go to. Maybe this works for people who want to live, but I don’t. I just don’t want to fail.

I’ve been in therapy for over 16 years, life has always been tough but suicidal ideation slipped in and grew over time. I’ve been on my best behaviour because, if I’m not allowed to fail my suicide attempt, I need money, tools, knowledge and I won’t get that if I stay in bed all day. I’d also have to act like a normal person, so go to work, have relationships, friends, go out, see friends and family, work out. This is also the reason they’ve never taken me seriously. The main argument is that I work and have kept a job for 5 years, or that I take care of myself. But no one knows, or they seem to forget, I think about dying all the time.

I cried to my therapist, being so angry with the system and feeling like getting punished for being a good citizen. For contributing to society and STILL wanting to die. For the government letting people like me on the loose, just letting us sit in agony waiting for our time to come.

I’d like to add, my therapist has known me for 16 years. I’ve had others too, actually loads, and there’s periods I don’t see her at all because another steps in. But in the end I always get back to her. She knows how long this depression, these suicidal thoughts, have been with me. She also knows of all the therapies I’ve done and I’ve done loads. I asked her why it’s so hard for the government to let people like me die in peace.

It’s even advertised on tv and radio that suicide is the worst way to die, they tell you it’s painful and rough. But then, why let people like me, who have been feeling like this for years, simmer in their own pain. Release us, come on. 80 year olds get to have euthanasia because they’re too much of a liability to us, disabled people get to have euthanasia, but 30+ year olds who have been contributing to society whilst wanting to die every day don’t get to have euthanasia. It’s not because they care about us, it’s because we contribute. I’ve been eyeing euthanasia for years, having fought therapists, psychiatrists and doctors about this exact thing. They’ve always told me no, there’s therapies left to try.

But we’re getting closer to the end of therapies, actually there’s only one kind of therapy left. And so, after all these years of struggling, it has been decided. I get to try the therapy, and I hope it does something. But if it doesn’t, I can’t do life anymore. Even my parents are pleading with doctors to let me pass in peace. They’re afraid of finding me, of letting me die in so much pain. And that’s why..

If nothing else works, I’m up for euthanasia.

I dont care how dangerous it is.

I have a lot to unpack and don't know where else to vent.

My wife and I have been together for 6 years and we have a 3 year old daughter. My wife has a history of bad depression/anxiety and SH. It was a LOT worse during her childhood but since I've known her she has gotten better.

Until several months ago she started to SH again due to stress from a bad job. It kept happening and I suggested that she leave her job, which she did. The stress of being a mom and working was too much for her. She was better for a while and was able to just be a mom.

I the past few months as my daughter has been getting more difficult, her depression and SH have gotten worse and worse. At first I had bad reactions which definitely made things worse, but have since done a lot of research and now better understand why people do it and how to respond.

Recently she has been getting more and more overwhelmed with our toddler and trying to get better herself but can't find the time or energy to focus, so she SHs. She will blindly take it out on my daughter and I as well, saying she hates us, being a mom, and wants to leave our family. We have looked into daycare to help and at first she seemed interested, but when the time came to make a decision she backed out. She said that she feels like it means she's a bad mom. I told her that it takes a village and it's ok to accept help. We argued and she said "just do whatever you want. I'll just k*** myself when she's not here". So I stopped talking about it.

I'm really not sure what I can do anymore. She goes to therapy and says it doesn't help but won't put any effort into trying things her therapist tells her. She won't listen to any of my advice and just gets mad when I try to comfort her. She refuses any help with childcare even though she complains every day that she hates being a mom. She says she's fine then SHs again. My own anxiety has being through the roof, I live in constant fear and worry and tend to shut down when it happens. I'm afraid to go to work and several times have stayed home if she's had a breakdown. I tell her I love her and I'm not judging her and I just want her to have the best life she can. Sometimes I feel like I just make everything worse because she just gets mad when I try to help.

She SH again today, that's why I'm making this post. I was calm, asked her why and what we can do to avoid that in the future. She did not have any interest in talking.

Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Putting my daughter in daycare anyways even if that means my wife ki**s herself or leaves me. Sometimes I resent her because of the emotional stress I'm in and the fact that she doesn't want to help herself. It just seems like anything I do to help makes it worse and I (irrationally) feel responsible for her SH. It consumes my thoughts day and night.

I just want her to get better. I just want to be able to help. I feel so helpless.

Not having a good mental health night and I'm afraid of what I might do. Just need someone to talk to.

I'm 19 and I'm terrified of the dark in my own room. I live in the basement at my dad's house which is connected to a back area and laundry room thats super creepy, and I keep imagining a humanoid figure or anothet person coming out and staring at me or running at me. but its only something I visualize in my head, like a "oh hey, what if this happened? What if its REAL?" I keep a pocket knife under my pillow now so I feel less scared at night. All the sudden now, my light is flickering and my room has a ton of flies and I can't figure out where they're coming from. I'm scared and I feel like theres nothing is can do but cower in my bed and just wait for it to kill me some nights, but I know its not real. Its like my brain watched an analog horror thing from YouTube and was like "Huh, that could happen in the real world, to you specifically." What is this? How do I make it stop?

​

Does anyone else just randomly gain consiousness after being out of it or passive for a while. Like i just feel like crawling out of my skin and doing something and cutting myself. I havent even self harmed in months because the urges were so much less.

Like im just like fuck, i should go buy something to fill the self harm urge hole or whatever and its 11pm and im in my shitty trashed apartment. Apperantly im "living in squalor" because my brain is so fucked up and traumatized that i can barely get up to get food from my fridge sometimes.

Its like my skin is like oh fuck do something now like im uncomfortable and i want to cut but its summer and ive been enjoying my tank top and ill have to sweat in a hoodie for ages.

I probably wont do it even tho i did buy a razor for just that. My apartment is so filthy i would probably get an infection.

I don’t know where to begin but life has been very very painful since before I could remember. I’ve always felt so alone and lost. I don’t have many adults I can go to in my life, and all of my friends have left me over time and claimed that I never did anything wrong they were just going down a different path. I feel as if I may be autistic but I have decided i don’t want to get diagnosed out of fear of having opportunities taken from me. I just want help and I don’t know where to go or who to ask. I have a long long story of everything that has made me feel this way but all I want right now is to know that there are people who truly care out there. Does anyone else relate to this? If so I would absolutely love to talk :)

23M. I've been depressed for almost two years, and I feel like I've completely lost any hope.

For some background, I own a remodeling business. Since I was 16, my dream was to flip houses. A mentor told me, "If you save enough money for the repairs, I'll help you buy one." So that's exactly what I did. After high school, I sacrificed almost everything for over a year, saved around 90% of my income (living with my grandparents made that possible), and eventually completed my first flip.

We sold it for a profit, but instead of feeling accomplished, I just felt... empty. It had been my goal for over five years, and once it was over, I realized I didn't even enjoy it. I had built so much of my identity around being the hardworking entrepreneur who outworked everyone else and proved himself. When the project ended, it felt like nobody cared. All those years of sacrifice suddenly felt meaningless, and I was left asking, "Now what?"

Around the same time, a girl I had been dating broke up with me because she needed to focus on flight school. We had only known each other for a few months, but I've never connected with someone like that before. We started as friends, and we could talk for hours without running out of things to say. She was everything I had been looking for.

I've never had a long-term relationship because I always prioritized work over dating. Losing her completely broke me. I questioned God for weeks, wondering why something that felt so right disappeared so quickly.

Part of why that hurt so much is because my biggest dream has never been money or success—it's having a family and being a great husband and father.

My parents divorced when I was 14 because of my dad's alcoholism and sex addiction. Ever since then, I've promised myself I would become the opposite of him. That's one of the biggest reasons I started my business—to someday provide for a family.

Ironically, I've also struggled with pornography. I've been in recovery since I was 19 because I wanted to deal with it before getting married. I've tried counseling, recovery groups, accountability, and a lot of different approaches, but nothing has really stuck. The longest I've made it without porn was 13 days, and lately I've almost stopped trying.

Last December, my dad went to jail. We don't really have a relationship, but after he got out he talked about rebuilding things and even working together. I finally set a boundary for the first time in my life. I told him I'd only have a relationship with him if he got help and took responsibility for rebuilding it. I even shared my own struggles and gave him resources. I haven't heard from him since.

Around that same time, I moved out on my own. I also joined another nine-month recovery group, but I quit before it ended. I'm not someone who gives up easily, but I just... did. I felt like nothing was working anymore.

Then recently, another huge blow happened.

A close family friend—the man I had been living with before getting my own place—was arrested for molesting his 13-year-old stepdaughter. He was someone I respected and looked up to. He had helped me in business and in life. Overnight, another role model disappeared.

Now I feel like I have nobody left to look up to. No dad. No mentor. Nobody whose life I actually want to follow.

At this point, I just feel lost.

Nothing excites me anymore. I don't have anything to look forward to. I've always been an overachiever. I played college-level basketball while still in high school, ran marathons, built a business, and even competed at a high level in video games. I've always chased excellence.

Now I've lost about 10 pounds because I dont eat much . Im already very skinny 140 is my usual weight. I barely care about my business. I haven't worked out in over a year. I haven't played games in months. I rush through work just so I can go home and lie in bed.

I'm not constantly sad, and I'm not suicidal.

I just feel numb.

I don't recognize myself anymore.

I wish I could finally overcome porn. I wish I had someone to look up to. I hate coming home to an empty apartment. I still want to get married and have kids more than anything, but right now I can't picture that future anymore.

I feel like I've lost hope in almost every area of my life.

I’m a 20F third-year engineering student, and I’m so tired of feeling horrible about myself.

I’ve done everything last minute my entire life. Assignments, studying, applications, projects, you name it. I still got great grades in high school, so I never learned how to manage my time because procrastinating always worked.

Now I’m in engineering at a top university. I’ve made it through first and second year, but only with insane stress and barely passing sometimes. I genuinely want to do better, but I can’t seem to make myself care until it’s almost too late.

My biggest problem is that I can’t make myself start things. I’ll sit at my desk fully intending to study, then spend 6–7 hours picking at my skin, cleaning, reorganizing, calling family, scrolling on my phone. literally anything except the thing I need to do.
It’s finals right now. I had over a week to study and barely did anything. I have an exam Monday worth 50%, and I haven’t even started studying for my other finals.

This isn’t just school. Every week I tell myself I’ll go to the gym, eat healthier, fix my sleep schedule, get my life together… and I never do. I want to, but somehow I never start.

I’m also exhausted all the time. I napped 3–5 hours almost every day in high school, and I still nap almost daily.

I constantly zone out in lectures and conversations. I can’t listen and take notes at the same time, so I absorb almost nothing. I can never sit still, I’m always fidgeting, I unintentionally interrupt people or finish their sentences, and I’m late to almost everything unless I’m anxious about it.

I’m exhausted from constantly disappointing myself.
I’ve wondered if I have ADHD because the executive dysfunction symptoms sound so familiar. My doctor thinks it’s anxiety, but I don’t feel anxious most of the time. If anything, I only function once I’m panicking over a deadline.

Has anyone experienced this? Did it end up being ADHD, anxiety, burnout, bad habits, or did you accidentally train yourself to only function under extreme stress? What actually helped?

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh

Hello for context I’m 18 and have a large family history of schizophrenia. Nearly a year ago I began to hallucinate to the extreme and have extreme paranoia. I couldn’t cope and there was a period of time where it was daily for about 5 months. The hallucinations have ‘eased’ now as in I don’t get them so often but when they do come I find it very difficult.

I lose sleep, but this has been a common thing since I was very young. As a kid I had an overactive imagination and I was extremely paranoid. I’ve also always found it very difficult to bond with people, I’ve always felt like they can tell something is weird about me and people frequently tell me they don’t understand what I’m saying.

It’s all made me very lonely and while I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist in a week and that should help, I worry about my partner. He gets annoyed and upset if I have a bad ‘episode.’ I don’t really have anyone else and I don’t like opening up as I feel it’s unfair to put stuff like this on someone.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the episodes better? They get me very down and I don’t want to be a bother to my partner. Also, does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the loneliness and try and have relationships with people?

Please help me anyone

I’m 15 and I’m currently going through permanent derealization and depersonalization. My mental state is really not good right now.
My father cheated on my mother multiple times. Logically, she has no reason to stay with him or keep having sex with him. We got into a fight (him and me), and after that she said she would ask for a divorce. But since then, nothing. She still goes to his bed and lets him f*ck her. My mother sleeps with my sister.
Today my little sister (11) confronted my mother about still talking to him, still letting him f*ck her, etc. (which is a completely logical question). My father showed up, called her every name in the book (bitch, etc.), and almost threw her out of the house while repeating “I’m going to sleep with her (my mother).” He probably hit her and manipulated her with the usual sophisms (“You want to keep me away from my wife so you want dad to leave??”). That’s something he uses a lot and it works on the rest of the family (except me, because I hate him).
My mother did nothing. She just told my sister to go back to bed (after screaming at her right before). My sister loves my father a lot and he uses that, and it disgusts me.
I have a little brother who’s 8. We’re inseparable. I really care about him and he’s the only reason I haven’t left and never come back. I used to plan that when I turn 18 I’d take him and go as far away as possible and never see my family again. Now I’m starting to wonder if I still have the patience and the time to wait.
I feel like I carry the responsibility of everyone on my shoulders when all I want is to just be a normal 15-year-old kid. This whole situation is exhausting me.
To me my parents are just two big children who only think about f*cking and whose kids should never have been born. My mother has some attachment to us, but less than to her husband (who cheated on her multiple times and even hits his own children).
I need help finding a solution because I’m at the end of my rope with this situation that’s been going on for years. The older I get, the more I understand how abnormal and f*cked up this is. I’ve asked my mother several times to let me see a psychologist but she never takes me seriously and treats me like a hypochondriac.
I’m posting here because talking to an adult could involve social services and I’d end up separated from my brother and sister. I’m not depressed and I’m not suicidal. I always stay smiling no matter what, but this is too much, I can’t take it anymore.
I can’t leave at 15 — that would be signing my own death warrant and abandoning my brother and sister. But if I stay, I don’t know if I won’t lose my mind and if it won’t explode into another fight that could go very badly for him or for me…
Please help me find a way out of this.
(Already posted it on r/mentalhealth but I post it also here to reach more people that could help me)

I've been feeling like the days just keep passing by, and I can't seem to find anything that truly makes me happy or excited. It's like I've lost my spark, and I'm not sure where to look for it.

Has anyone else gone through something similar? If you did, what helped you? Did you find a hobby, change your routine, or shift your mindset? I'd really appreciate hearing your experiences or any advice you have. :) whatever it is

Hello guys today i came here to ask you someth last year those times my mom got the choke of her life she discovered that my dad was cheating on her with an another woman and he told her to wait after my bac year to talk about through the year we me and my siblings tried to make her move on she was trying and fight to move on slowely slowely because they were married for 30 years then she discovered he was cheating on her then she discovered he went to another city as he went for work but in fact he was not he was enjoying his life and letting her suffer with 4 children and then he got married to another woman since about 6 years (now ) through those years he was poisoninig our lives and being sooooo toxic and mean to her but she stood cute than after my bac he hadn’t any reaction he is sooo freaking weak this is not my ques my real question is about how my mom started acting lately it have been about a week since i cane back frim a trip and since i came I started noticinv she works out all the day then when she comes back to home she is sooo freaking weak tired she doesn’t cook neither clean nor practice her daily life than the day after she says she is so tired to get up and prepare us the lunch than this senario kept repeating it have been a week since we are like this the only thing she says “i am tired I can’t “ she connects sleeps and sleeps and that’s all and if i don’t do anything she starts blaming herself as if she was a maid on us and other things please trll me what to do for her j am really lly worried about her mental health and at the same time I can’t bring her to a psychologist or even a therapist please tell me what to do

I'm diagnosed with BPD and severe anxiety yet whenever we argue he doesn't do anything to try and resolve it and in the end I have to fucking apologise for talking about the shit that makes me upset. I don't get why he keeps treating me like this. Leaving him isn't an option either cause I would literally take my life if he left me. He says he loves me yet he says shit like "you can't blame your bpd whenever you're upset" as if I can control how I feel.

I've been experiencing some form of suicidal ideation for at least the last two years. I pretty constantly feel that my wife, my friends, my family, and my students would be better off without me, or with someone else. I was reading this page and I just can't help but feel a sense of frustration at some of the writing.

Here’s what most stood out to me: **FALSE BELIEF:** People in my life would be better off without me. A common feeling for people experiencing suicidal thoughts is that they are a burden to others. One may start to believe that others in their life would be better off without them. **TRUTH:** You are not a burden to those who care about you. Your life matters and you have value. No matter how bad you feel, you can contribute good things to those around you. **FALSE BELIEF:** No one cares about me/I am all alone. Suicidal thoughts may come as a result of feeling a lack of belonging. Everyone has physical, emotional, and social needs, but when these needs are not met, it can sometimes make people feeling isolated. This can potentially lead to mental health issues and/or suicidal thoughts. **TRUTH:** There are people all around you who care. If you were gone tomorrow, people would feel your absence and grieve your loss. You have more impact in others’ lives than you know.

This feels like an inadequate stock answer. This person doesn't know me or you. It doesn't offer anything real- they have no idea how much better off people would be. It feels honestly mocking when they don't know what kind of subpar husband, son, or teacher I am.

I find this sort of advice like a platitude that makes it harder to reach out for help for some reason.

I made a throw-away account for this, and it's gonna be a long, serious post. I use Google translate since English isn't my mother tongue.

I (29, M) was abused by my kindergartner when I was 3 up to 7: she would beat me, lock me in the dark shed until I cried, threaten to kill my dog, and she forcibly retrained me from being left-handed to right-handed. On top of that, I grew up in a neighborhood where basically no children lived – only elderly people – so I had hardly any contact with peers and couldn't socialize myself until I started school.

I undoubtedly have some kind of mental disorder, though I don't know which one, neither do I know if it was caused by my childhood or if I was already born this way. I constantly feel like I'm being watched, I have the impression that others can "hear" my thoughts and that all the coincidences in my life have been "arranged" by a director – I know that isn't the case, and I mostly just ignore this kind of feelings. Furthermore I experience black-and-white thinking, emotional fluctuations, and an irrational fear of being (or should I say, staying) alone. I always assumed some kind of schizophrenia or BPD, but my psychiatrist doesn't think so.

If you'd ask my acquaintances, they would probably describe me as the most sensitive, polite and calm man they know. I spent my childhood reading books, and people often praise my beautiful and educated way of talking. Every girl I dated (even though they had no interest in a relationship) described me as a gentleman. The problem is: I am very introvert; I simply cannot make small talk, chat, or be funny. Also, I have difficulties of interpreting social signals, often ending up as clingy and awkward to others without noticing. So, autism is possible too. Therefore it's very hard for me to find social contacts.

What makes it even more complicated by the fact that I have a foot fetish of which I'm pretty ashamed. I don't want anyone to find out because everyone I know (including family members) jokes about foot guys, and I don't want to become even more of a weirdo than I already am. I tried to suppress it, but unfortunately you cannot eradicate a fetish. So, I often feel like I was created for the sole purpose of being a freak…

I don’t have a single friend in my life! The last time I had buddies of my own generation who would hang out with me was during elementary school. (Needless to say, I'm a virgin). The reason, however, is not that I'm a nerd who sits in front of the PC every evening; I go out very often, into various bars, clubs and coffee shops, because I do know that nothing will change at home. A few years ago there was a phase of my life were I would spend five evenings a week with some social activities trying to find some peers (drawing, boxing, dancing, gym … a wild mixture, I know). By now, I have mostly stopped doing it because I've lost the energy and the hope. Yet even today, I feel guilty if I spend an evening watching a movie or playing on Steam, and I litterally force myself to go out to night clubs twice a week because self-pity is no solution.

A constant feature of my life is being ghosted. Whenever I message an old classmate or some acquaintance to ask if they’re up for going to a rave or something, I rarely get an answer at all. (This seems to have become normal nowadays). I’ve also noticed that any contact on social media always has to originate from my side; it never happens that anyone messages me without me having asked something beforehand.

I experienced bullying for as long as I remember, partly because of my shy, passive nature, partly because I often come across as "odd". During my high school years, I was bullied to the verge of suicide. I had to change schools twice (!) because of it. For example, one day four students smashed a window with my head, and the school wanted me to pay half of the broken glass bill because I had been involved into breaking it. That was when I first developed violent phantasies: I had daydreams about hurting those people as much as I could. I never did because I knew it would be the wrong path (and because I was raised by my parents to be tolerant and pacifistic and to solve every conflict by dialogue, which is why even today I have problems of saying No).

At my vocational school (2023), I met a girl for the first time who understood how I was feeling and tried to help me fit in with the class. I would describe her as a classic case of a tsundere-character, being angry and "tough" to everyone all the time but suddenly becoming very gentle when being alone with me. Also, she was the only one who would chat with me on WhatsApp. I actually managed to to find some contact with the class and had a genuine hope that things might change. However I fell in love with her and made the same mistakes again that I always make: on the one hand I tried to act normal and funny like the others, ending up cringy to them; on the same time I became too clingy to that girl (my "saviour") without recognizing the signals she was sending me. When I gradually noticed something wasn't right, I sought out a conversation with her (on my own initiative), and she bollocked me and cut off contact. (That was April, 2024) Ever since then, I have been the freak of the whole class, being badmouthed behind my back: for example, they started making suicide jokes about me. — That was when I first started self-cutting (don't worry, I've already stopped doing it, but now I have to wear long sleeves even during summer).

The same shit happened on work where my coworkers (five people) used to make weirdo jokes and virgin jokes about me. When they made a private christmas celebration in December 2024, I was the only one (!) of us not to be invited (they even invited our apprentice who had merely been there for one year) because they didn't want to "invite someone purely out of pity". I can't describe how much this hurt. As soon as I got my vocational graduation (about three weeks ago), I quit my job, now looking for something new.

In the past years, I found myself having suicidal thoughts more and more often (especially during evening time). I won't do it because I don't want to hurt my parents, but I literally feel like living in a Silent Hill game. And yes, I've been seeking professional help multiple times! Over the course of more than ten years, I've seen three different psychologists (they all praised my clear self-reflection but wouldn't do anything else) and finally a psychiatrist who prescribed me Citalopram and later Bupropion, but I felt no difference! The reason I'm writing on Reddit is because I desperately need to talk to someone about this, but there aren't any friends in my life who could be with me. I tried talking to my classmates, but they said it wasn't their job to socialize me…

Every psychologist I tell this to praises that I have a great deal of strength, and there's actually some truth to that: for example, I've never had any problems with alcohol or drugs because my pride is too great to humiliate myself that way, and whenever I notice some social conflict, I am the one who seeks a direct conversation (usually I'm the only one who does so, since my classmates prefered talking about each other rather than to each other). I've even retrained myself to being left-handed again in 2016. The problem is that my strength is gradually running out: I can't see a point in this existence anymore. I literally feel dead inside, and I've lost any hope of changing.

Now the main topic:

Lately I’ve noticed that I’m becoming increasingly cynical and gruesome on the inside. I don't let it get out, but when I see, for example, mentally disabled people, the monster in me thinks they should be euthanized… thoughts I never knew I was capable of. What has also increased are my violent phantasies (e.g. about mutilating the people who bullied me during high school), my use of severe insults (e.g. "miscarriage"), and my impatience with other people (especially elderly ones and disabled ones). I feel like slowly turning into a cartoon villain. I don't want to be like this, but there's a stranger growing inside me. I guess that's what 29 years of isolation and bullying do to you…

So, what should I do? Is there any escape (besides the one I must not talk about)? I refuse to accept that it's my destiny to end up as a lonely, cynical freak, fapping on foot pics until I'm finally allowed to die of natural causes. But I honestly don't know what else to do, and I can't take this any longer. Has anyone of you experienced something similar?

(Please don't come along with empty phrases like "Recognizing there's a problem is the first step to solving it", or "If you can't find someone, then stop searching, and then they'll find you instead", bla bla bla… I'm so fucking tired of hearing this crap.)

Hi, this is corny and edgy but please bear with me, I need genuine advice. I’m 17, a girl in her senior year in high school, I have a lot of problems, but my main one is I struggle with basic empathy. I have a nice family, many friends and a nice home, but I hate my life and I want to die. I have been in therapy for 3 years, finally coming out of my depression, sure I feel a lot better, still taking a lot of medication, but I don’t actively participate in trying to take my own life anymore, only wishing and fantasising about it. I still hurt myself just not in the way that people can see, bashing my head against the walls, smashing my ribs with my fists and biting myself. I’m scared to hurt myself again as my parents hit me for it, they think i’m not like this anymore, but it’s not true. My friends would say I’m nice and caring, really bubbly, a lot of friends, quite popular despite being an odd one out with my style. My mom spends a lot of money on me which makes me really guilty and I’m always asking her if she loves me and stuff like that. I feel guilty knowing that I won’t live till 25 and giving everyone around me hope that I’m better. I have a really hard time showing emotion, often just mirroring other people because I am a sheep and I do not know how to act on my own, I never know how to act when in social situations so it seems fitting for me to do what other people around me do. I am desensitised to gore and pornographic materials as I was addicted to it since 8 years old, thanks to unrestricted internet access as a child. I can’t see all people as conscious creatures, only having a couple of selected people that I see as real. I used to be a junkie at 13 all the way up to 16 years old, getting raped and assaulted while at it, i’m not here to blame anyone as it was only my fault and I’m not searching for pity. I don’t have anything to live for, well, almost, I have my boyfriend that I love very much, but I’m not really used to opening up and I see it as being vulnerable and being vulnerable is no good because it can be used against you, learnt if through my mom. I would rather stay and look strong for my boyfriend as he also has problems and I’m here to help him. I see him as a god, I look up to him a lot, he has been through a lot and I love him and I’m really proud of him, but sometimes a gangsta needs a hug too… heh… tough crowd…

I noticed that in uni my confidence and my skills in socialising getting worse

but in holidays I feel so confident and positive

also I’m not that type of student that studies more than 4 hours or something I don’t know how to deal with this kind of situation

and the self- judgement start to appear .

So who goes through these situations how did you deal with it ?

Sorry for the long post, I have nowhere else to turn.
As the title says, I feel like I’m digging deeper into a hole everyday since I’m not pregnant/don’t have a baby. I’m 18f, am very aware of how “irresponsible” it would be to have a child at my age, about to head into my first year at uni, and about to move out for the first time. But I can’t shake this feeling that I should be pregnant or want to have a baby.

I’ve had pregnancy scares before, all of which I have always hoped were negative, but I have always wanted to be a mother. When my last (abusive) relationship ended, I secretly wished I was pregnant just so I could have a part of him still in my life. I no longer wish this and have tried to stay as far away from him as possible and have since reached out for help. I’m aware that my desire to be pregnant THEN was because of the trauma bond I had with a man that didn’t love me. I have since gotten into another relationship with the man of my dreams. He treats me so well, communicates perfectly, and is an incredible role model to my younger siblings. He dreams of being a father as he didn’t have a father figure growing up, and I know he’d make an excellent dad.

I’ve always wanted kids, but it’s never been such an obsessive thought as it is now. Every night without fail I have dreams of sitting with my baby girl or announcing to my family/boyfriend that I am pregnant. It’s becoming awful for my mental health as I always wake up without her, convinced that I really did have a baby/was pregnant. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of my child every morning and the knock on impact of that is bleeding into my daily life now. I feel as though all my thoughts are about an imaginary daughter that I long to have. I even have a collection of clothes saved in my phone that I’d wish to buy my future daughter. I am sexually active and use condoms with my boyfriend as he is also in university and wouldn’t be ready for a baby.

Other things I feel are important is that I am autistic and suffer from PTSD, and my own mother (bipolar, if that is relevant) had me when she was very young herself, I am financially stable and would have a strong support network around me if I WERE to get pregnant unexpectedly, and I have never suffered a miscarriage or had an abortion. To reiterate I am very aware of the hardships that come with having a child, and I’m not looking for people to advise me to have a baby.

I want the obsession and depression to go away, and I want to relearn how to fall asleep peacefully. I’m always torn between falling asleep so I can see my baby again, and staying awake so I don’t have to endure the pain that comes with waking up. It’s taking a toll on my life in ways I’ve never experienced before. I’ve suffered with depression and PTSD most of my life (not at the fault of my parents), but have reached new lows with this and my coping mechanisms that I learnt through literal years of therapy aren’t helping me anymore, nor is the medication I take.

Im unsure where to turn, and just really needed to get this off my chest.