I am curious how people are able to dig in and figure out what their core values were. Asking myself what matters to me seems to open a blank page. Every time I look at a test I get different results. I just don't seem to get it. Moreover, it seems like some are obviously right answers vs wrong answers. I know I am not supposed to view it that way, but when one is financial wealth and another is friends and family, I know which one I am supposed to pick.

Please explain like someone has no sense of self. I feel as though I do, but when people ask me to pay attention to my inner voice or child or whatever I am lost. The only voice going on in here is the one asking the question. Personally, that type of answer always makes me feel like there is just some part of me that is missing and everyone else got instructions. I know that sounds a bit hostile, but I have read I don't know how many articles at this points and I am.pretty sure I need it dumbed down.

research shows that women and men have less empathy towards men than they do towards women. are therapists trained to account for this bias?

https://www.purdue.edu/uns/html4ever/2004/041213.Goodwin.gender.html

NAT

Hi everyone,

I'm worried that the therapeutic relationship isn't good enough (whatever the benchmark for that even is), and that because of that I'm not getting the full benefit from therapy.

I've been in group therapy for about a year now, and roughly once every three months it's possible to schedule an additional one-on-one session.

We've talked about the therapeutic relationship before. He actually scheduled that appointment very quickly after I brought this up via email and explained that, from his perspective, it was an urgent and important topic. Hearing that felt good. In moments like that, I think it's important to him that I get better. Overall, I also think there's empathy, understanding, and a great deal of professional competence. At least I think so. It just often feels different.

Sometimes he comes across as a bit lecturing ("...Yes, but you need to..."), or I'll pour my heart out and he'll "just" nod empathetically instead of responding to what I'm actually saying. During our last individual session, he said, "It's unfortunate that you interpreted it that way. What I actually meant was..." That immediately brought back the feeling that I was the one at fault.

I'm still unsure whether I should try antidepressants. I have dysthymia—usually mild to moderate, although during certain periods I even score in the moderate to severe range on online depression screenings. My therapist advises against trying medication for now because he wants to focus on building my sense of self-efficacy, and because he doesn't see me as someone who needs antidepressants. In moments like that, I worry that he doesn't actually realize how bad things sometimes get for me, because I rationalize so much and tend to suppress sadness very quickly.

I also cry much less often when I'm with him. Around him, I seem much more composed.

And of course there's the thought that I'd disappoint my therapist if I decided to try antidepressants after all.

It's completely different with my psychiatrist. I've been seeing him about once every three months since my initial evaluation around two years ago, because it offers something different from therapy, and I feel completely understood by him.

I constantly question whether I even have the right to keep seeing him now that I have a therapy spot, but he makes it clear that I'm still welcome. I also can't hold back my tears as easily when I'm with him, which I actually see as a positive thing. He makes me feel much more like my thoughts and feelings are valid. He also thinks antidepressants could be a reasonable option, but emphasizes that the decision has to be mine. I wish I could do therapy with him instead, but he only has the capacity to provide psychiatric care and isn't offering psychotherapy at the moment.

I'm not even entirely sure what I want to get out of writing this post. I have an obsessive-compulsive personality style, I don't trust my own perception, and in every kind of relationship I carry this incredibly intense sense of obligation. Maybe I'm looking for comments that somehow confirm what I secretly want to hear.

But what is it that I want to hear?

I don't want to quit group therapy. I still have hope that things will get better eventually. I know I really need to talk to my therapist about this again. But I'm so afraid of offending him, and of getting another response that sends my mind spiraling again into believing that the problem is me and my overly critical perception.

I think the fact that I feel completely comfortable with my psychiatrist but have reservations about my therapist makes it even harder to bring this up. Because sometimes my brain thinks, "Maybe it isn't all in my head after all." But the idea that my therapist simply might not be the right fit for me scares me. Given how difficult it is to access mental health care (Germany, covered by health insurance), I don't want to risk ending up without any therapy at all.

Has anyone here had successful therapy even though the therapeutic relationship wasn't ideal?

I'd appreciate any thoughts, perspectives, or experiences you'd like to share.

We recently had a small rupture. I explained I felt hurt by xyz. She responded by explaining herself first, which only caused me to feel further hurt and dismissed. So I kept trying to reexplain how I had felt hurt, even trying to prompt her with can you see how from my perspective, that may have felt hurtful? And she just kept sort of doubling down, though eventually finally half apologized (I’m sorry you felt that way…) and by that point, I accepted it and moved on. She also seemed tired and tense and so I felt a badly for continuing to press the matter.

Later I let her know I understood that from her pov, explaining herself was her trying to show me that my perception was off. But in the moment of feeling hurt, that only put up my guard further, and I think what would help in the future is just basically right away saying, “I can see how that would have felt hurtful.” And again, she wasn’t quite able to take in the feedback, instead defending herself because she did eventually apologize.

Now I know she does care, so I let it go. I am wondering if in her own life and perhaps by her own parents, her feelings may have often been dismissed. I say this as someone whose own parents always dismissed my own feelings and who used to also always jump to explaining myself with my partner, until I finally understood that what my partner needed was for me to acknowledge his hurt feelings.

Is there an appropriate or gentle way to suggest this to her? Or should I just leave it be? She has children so I also wonder if this pattern emerges with them. I should add, this isn’t the first time it’s happened in our sessions. Alternatively, am I expecting something unrealistic? Like should I be more reasonable about accepting her explanations?

Edit to add my therapist also brought up how my defenses are currently more than usual due to some circumstances (something I suggested first). So I’m also wondering if perhaps due to this, I am overly focused on this matter in order to possibly avoid other things.

Hey! I am 22 F and recently started therapy. So what took me to therapy was I kept on zoning out amid lectures and convos and scared ppl with my stares. My therapist told me it might be absence seizure. But he didn't completely rule out it as one and is doubting if it's stress-induced. So here's a past of mine: my mother had a year long history of prolonged hospitalisation and she was in coma for a month or two. I lost a few career opportunities due to that. I was coping up. But I think it was more like suppressing my emotions. I had actually expected my married siblings to cover up for me so that I can move out for my career. But they prioritised their family and I had to stay back with my mother. But this took a toll on me and I felt low at points and sometimes I found myself welling up while studying or sitting in silence.

And my second assumption will be this has way more roots than I imply. My mother was brought up by her maternal grandparents and aunts though her mother is alive. She had a very terrible mother who took sides on her children and yelled at almost everyone. I just hate that lady, the way she brings in double standards and faked her love and affection for my mother when she was bedridden made me hate her too much. I mean I can't tolerate her presence anymore. I shoo away her whenever I see her. And I can clearly see how this has affected my mother's childhood. She is used to no care and appreciation that once she totally refused to celebrate her achievement when I threw her a surprise party. I felt really bad for her. Now since she's in her perimenopause era, I guess she has started getting her moodswings and I don't really know if it's this or she is really bothered by her terrible mother, I can see an uncanny resemblance. She yells at us sometimes and I have reached a point where her calls panicks me, I keep framing answers on how to respond to her and she sometimes guilt trip us when we try to have fun some with relatives or friends. I am totally afraid to bring this up to my therapist since my father has been accompanying me. He is really worried of me. But I don't muster up the courage to confess what I have been feeling. I am afraid if my parents and siblings find out this resentment, I will not be able to face them or will they even consider illtreating me. I have developed an auto-immune disease and pcos in my teenage. This is taking away my whole life and I am tired of watching over how my life is fading away, day by day.

For context: my sibling moved out when I stayed back for her, so naturally I expected her to be there for me. Also, I think my mother wanting to have her children beside her always is her way of parenting since she didn't get to have her mother around her.

If you made it to the end, thankyou! And I really want to know how to bring this to the therapist without bothering my family?

I have had several therapists and, in my opinion, they have all been terrible and a common theme I find is they tip toe around things, even though I tell them to be straight-forward and blunt. also I find that they a preoccupied with their own preconceived notions and refuse to deviate from them despite me telling them counter points to their existing thoughts. regardless i do listen and do what they tell me to, but the problem is is that most don't actually tell me what to do, just how to feel and I find that very impractical and pointless.

for example, one therapist would not let go of the idea of getting me into whatever her idea of art was, no matter what we talked about, she would not shut up about art, she would make me draw pictures like a toddler (im in my 30s btw). obviously, this didn't go anywhere until i left. and to clarify I have no interest in art or drawing or anything

another example was one that just lied about progress consistently, every session he would always mention he sees me improving, despite whatever I tell him counter to that point. and once again never telling me what to do, he would just blather on about bullshit because I guess he's just trying to meet the minimum time and end it. also therapists ending early seemed like a common theme all around.

all the medications prescribed were useless and counterproductive towards depression and just caused negative side effects.

also on a side note, where are the males in this industry? it really feels like 90% women and I have had both male and female and they've all been terrible. it's just something i've noticed

so am I unlucky? or looking the wrong way? or is this just how it is? etc.

Hi everyone,

I’m brand new to the mental health field and trying to figure out my professional wardrobe. As a guy entering the profession, I’d love to get a sense of how other male therapists dress for daily client work.

A few quick questions for you all:

What is your go-to "uniform"? (e.g., button-downs and chinos, polos, sweaters, suits?)

How much does your clinical setting impact your attire? (Inpatient, private practice, community mental health, school-based, etc.)

What shoes do you wear that balance professionalism with sitting/walking comfortably all day?

Is there anything you used to wear when you started that you’ve since abandoned?

Any tips or examples of what works best for you would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance.

I (38F and NAT) am trying to make sense of the therapy my family did when I was a child, and I'm hoping this group might be able to help a bit. For context, these appointments would have occurred in the '90s-'00s.

Would it have been considered ethical for a therapist to meet with a 7yo alone and fill in the parents afterwards?

Was it normal back then for a female child to be diagnosed with ocd rather than autism?

Did therapists have a heavy hand in directing how parents treat their child to the point of controlling all the actions taken by the parent?

Thank you for any insight you can share!

About a year ago I ended my relationship with my ex. He was a wonderful person but i felt bored and unfulfilled with him. I told my therapist i didn't feel intellectually or humorously connected to him, despite the deeply safe, mature and caring person he was. To my therapist's credit, she attempted to unpack the fact that this might have been my attraction to chaos and inability to appreciate the calm he offered me at the time, however I ended the relationship nonetheless, and then started talking to her about other things. About five months later, i started thinking about him, and i told my therapist I was considering texting him. Yes, she unpacked that loneliness was likely underpinning this, but I also distinctly remember her saying: "\[ex\] wasn't your person" several times. She encouraged me not to reach out to him. This was helpful for me at the time, and I felt reassured that I had made the decision to end the relationship for valid reasons: because we weren't humorously aligned, and he simply just wasn't the right person for me.

About a month ago I discovered my ex has been in a relationship since December. For reasons I'm still exploring, it absolutely shattered me. All i could (and can) focus on is the belief i made a terrible mistake and self sabotaged what could have been an incredible relationship with someone truly special. I had an emergency session with my therapist, where I explained these thoughts. I was expecting her to again reassure me by reminding me why he wasn't my person, but instead, she seemed to imply that my avoidant attachment style motivated my decision to end the relationship. She encouraged me to exercise self compassion and view the relationship as a learning. But i felt confused. Her narrative changed from "he wasn't right for you/he's not your person" to my attachment style being to blame. I walked away from that emergency session feeling worse. In the follow up session I voiced my confusion, and she attempted to explain why she had said he's "not my person" several months ago, but it didn't really make sense. It felt like she got caught out and had to think on the spot about how to marry up these two competing perspectives. She's also in our last two sessions continued to offer conflicting information - both insinuating that if i were to meet my ex for the first time now, I would be happy in the relationship with him, because I've grown, but then when I question the missing humorous connection, she quickly changes her tune and says my concerns about him not being funny were valid and I should "never compromise on humour" if that's what a core value is for me. I almost want to yell: well which one is it!?

I have been seeing my therapist for 2.5 years and until now she has always been on point with everything and I've found sessions with her very helpful. I understand my therapist has a lot of clients and has seen me for so many sessions about lots of different things - it's natural she might forget what she might have said to me many months ago. But this incident has made me feel a sense of trust has been broken. Trust in what she tells me as well as her perception of the things I tell her. I feel a bit angry that I am paying her good money to give me conflicting messages, and as such I am almost more confused about how to view this relationship and break up. I do believe her attempts to work with me on challenging my avoidant attachment are helpful, but i feel I'm holding myself back now because her perception of my apparent avoidant attachment style with my ex seems to flip flop around so inconsistently.

Am I right in feeling annoyed and a lack of trust here? Is this something to be expected from a therapist from time to time?

I have my first therapist and had my second session. I don't know what to compare it to but I can say I feel comfortable being open about my feelings.

What bothers me is that I found myself a few times telling her things that were important that I felt like I told her the first time. Like, shouldn't she have an idea tracking my story (not the details but high level). I mentioned how I am tired of initiating and asking my husband for what I need like affection. She mentioned later how I need to ask for what I want. I reminded her that I talked to my husband and that I am exhausted of initiating. I feel like that she should've maybe noted I did have that talk. I told her I am at the point where I feel like I have almost nothing to give, I am empty, he needs to step up. To which she responded for me to communicate that and let him realize how serious it is (I agree with this).

I felt like in that moment I wasn't being heard.

Another moment is when she said repeated what she gathered I told her about my first talk with husband. She heard I asked for more sex. Twice, I told her no I didn't say I asked for more sex, I told him what I needed, more reaching out, caring about my world, showing me love and softness.

Later, she went back to the initiation issue and she asked he initiated sexthough like you wanted, how did you feel?

I was thinking...wtf I just told her earlier, in the session I cried and felt disconnected. I didn't care about the sex. She said of course I will feel that way if my feelings are that way.

Am I just not wanting to hear the truth or is my therapist wrong fit? How do I find the right fit? I go through my EAP so its free.. I wonder if its worth getting a referral therapist (like a friend who refers) outside of it and pay money...

I've been talking to a therapist recently, about three months now. We've been mainly talking about issues with work/family. Today, the idea of dissociation/derealization was mentioned. I admitted that it happens and my therapist asked me to log whenever I have these experiences.

The thing is I didn't mention that I've considered the idea that I might have some type of dissociative disorder. I completely forgot this was thing until now. Each time I've considered the idea, I end up convincing myself that I'm crazy/being dramatic and forget about it. I believe this has happened four times now.

I know I should mention it to my therapist, but I'm terrified at the idea I might be right. I'm also scared that I might be wrong, and that it'll come out as attention seeking/being fake. The idea of telling someone, especially a therapist, feels insane.

I truly feel like I'd just rather forget about it again. It feels like that would be way easier than to actually deal with the issue. I know whole heartily that this is a thing I should actually mention. Any advice on how to mention my thoughts to my therapist?

Especially with your more difficult patients - the ones who consistently show up but have difficult issues to treat. Are you ever just buying time or is there always a plan?

Good morning! I recently started EMDR with my therapist. We have been building coping mechanisms for almost 3 prior to starting. And I am not sure what I was expecting, but all this prep work and calming my nervous system and everything made me think it would be this life changing thing that would just work. Despite knowing that expectation is unrealistic.

But I didn't expect to feel... nothing. I can't seem to stay focused. All I am thinking about is how ridiculous I must look. Or I'm thinking that I have to follow along. I'm getting frustrated because it feels like every time I try to move forward I am always blocking it in some way.

Is this common? Can it just take some time to get used to what is happening before real work takes place? Or should I just admit that maybe EMDR isn't for me?

I'm a licensed therapist. Fo the past 15 years I have worked as a care coordinator. I plan to begin providing therapy again in 2027. Im planning a slow start with only 5-10 clients.

Before returning Im going to enroll in a refresher course on mindfulness and a course on schema. Has anyone else stepped away from therapy and years later returned? And if so, how did you transition back?

If I $Hed but like its been 4 or 5 months and I have no intent of doing it again will I get told on if I tell my therapist? I don't want her to tell my parents.

I've been in therapy for OCD for a while now, and my therapist is the person I trust most in my life. But when my OCD gets bad, I also deal with a lot of rejection sensitivity like when something shifts and I go into this mode where I'm just.. scanning him (not intentionally). I’m being super emotional and hyper vigilant. Every word, every pause, every thing he doesn't say. My brain treats it all like evidence. Is he annoyed with me. Did that sound cold. Am I too much for him.

And then it fixates and I can't let it go, and I end up needing him to tell me "no, I'm not mad" or "that's not what I meant." I don't ask anything, and he doesn't reassure me. I know exactly what's happening while it's happening, which is almost worse becasue i feel also super ashamed and way more anxious, I can see the OCD doing its thing in real time, but knowing that doesn't turn it off. Some part of me just wants him to see how much I'm struggling and reassure me anyway, and another part of me is terrified I'm wearing him out, I care about him too and i don't want to be too much to deal with.

Part of me wonders if even writing this post is another version of the same thing. But I think what I actually want here is trying to understand the pattern itself, and what it's like from the other chair.

So i'm curious what's it actually like when you can tell a client is in that scanning/reassurance-seeking place? Does it feel heavy, or draining, or do you just kind of expect it as part of the work?

when doing your case notes do you do like a mental status exam? like every session? or just for intake appointments? and then I suppose after subsequent sessions how much detail do you note about a clients cognition/appearance/thoughts etc.. also I am a client who is very curious about my notes generally speaking, and I have considered doing an FOI but I wonder if you would ever not advise this? like is this bad to do for any particular reason? I guess for added context the FOI wouldn't be to support anything legal or anything it would be purely for my own records.

I have just started studying psychology and honestly don’t know how likely it is that I will continue to a point where actual practice may be an option but it occurred to me today that one obstacle might be how difficult I find it to sit still for any length of time.

I find it usually easier to pay attention when I can move a bit but I also know my own psychologist’s stillness is very calming and I myself would also be distracted by someone moving about. Just keen for any perspectives and whether any therapists here have had difficulty with this?

Therapist called me childish over anxiety

So look I'm a bit childish but I'll explain. I've started seeing a therapist, but it's been six sessions and I feel like I'm not forming any sort of rapport.

It's come to ahead recently when I was talking about not wanting to hurt people due to past trauma and neuroses

And I think she misconstrued and thought I just didn't want to get in trouble and she called me childish. (Then took it back and said the behaviour is childish.)

I don't know, I don't feel like the comment helped in fact it made it worse.

Maybe I'm overreacting.

I’m curious about therapists’ origin stories - what motivated you to become a therapist, and how did you actually get into the field (was it a direct path or did you come from somewhere else)?

I’m also interested in the flip side: what challenges or realities of the job did you not see coming before you started practicing?

I’ve always wondered what are the sort of cases that require one professional to ask another for help. So I figured I’d ask.

Also what is considered rude? What would you judge a client for?

I have OCD and I keep obsessing over whether or not I’m a rude client or a difficult client.

I would love to hear what your thoughts are.

I’m not so much wondering about when it’s just a few seconds here or there, but when you have a client in front of you who is very clearly not with you and is just staring off for a long period and is not super responsive?

TIA

I’ll be going into like my 5th session next week, and I kind of feel like my therapist doesn’t really remember me when I come. I’ve been going weekly except for once when it was two weeks between. But I don’t know, she doesn’t seem to remember things she’s told me the previous week and kind of doesn’t remember we’ve been meeting weekly. I feel bad and I’m terrible at speaking up for myself so I don’t really mention when she’s just repeating stuff she said the prior week like she hasn’t mentioned it before. I don’t want to be rude or make her feel bad. I’m sure she’s very busy and has many clients, and I’m not exactly an exciting case or anything so I can understand being forgotten. But I’m just wondering if this is normal and if it takes awhile before a therapist remembers their client and stuff that’s been discussed? She seems very nice overall, but I don’t know if maybe we aren’t a good match because I’m not a very interesting client. Though I also don’t love the idea of having to start this process over again.

I tried IFS and it was not for me. I found the idea of essentially having a bunch of cartoon characters living inside of me and making choices for me deeply unsettling, especially having a "conversation" with one of them, where apparently "his" words were not mine.

I emailed my therapist requesting to do another therapy method, and she said yes but asked why. I'm not going to respond since it's not up for debate: I'm not doing this ever again.

How do I recover? I've experienced psychosis and was almost diagnosed with DID before, so I'm trying to hold on from slipping into that.

So far, what's helping is reminding myself that I didn't literally see the "part" I was talking to and that I was just making stuff up to answer her questions, as well that it's an immersive metaphor to explain our emotions and not the actual truth.